2
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:32,360
Well, hello.

3
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:37,840
Hello, hello, hello,
and welcome to QI

4
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:42,080
for a bracing dose
of health and safety gone mad.

5
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:45,280
Speaking of life-saving
devices, I have some here.

6
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:47,720
And I'd like you to tell me
what you think they're for.

7
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:49,360
These are the real thing.

8
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:52,960
And they are there to save lives.

9
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,360
How would that save your life?
Can you see...?

10
00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:01,080
If you look... You've got to look at
your neighbour to see
what you look like

11
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:04,600
and see if you can work out
how this can be of any use.

12
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,040
JEREMY: Is it for doing complicated
experiments?

13
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:11,080
Not really a complicated experiment.

14
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:14,720
It's for dealing with
animals that don't like
being looked at in the eye.

15
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,960
Oh, Alan, you are on sparkling form.
Absolutely right.

16
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:19,840
What sort of animal might that be?
A bear?

17
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,920
Not a bear, actually,
in this instance.

18
00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:24,480
Some dogs don't like it. Plenty
of animals don't like it. Ants?

19
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:27,320
Ants? Not so much ants.

20
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,720
It's great that you're trying.

21
00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:32,480
But not ants.

22
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:35,960
A tiger or a lion?
It's a big primate.

23
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,600
A gorilla? It's a gorilla.

24
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,080
It's a gorilla,

25
00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:43,120
you'll see it has written on the
side of it there, in Dutch,

26
00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:48,120
"De oplossing..."
And then it says, "Bokito kijker",

27
00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:50,120
which means "Bokito viewer".

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00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,760
"Kijken" is to look.

29
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:58,240
But the trouble with these is it does
look a bit like you're going, "Oh!"

30
00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:00,000
Gorillas like that.

31
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,920
What they don't like
is a long, loving look.

32
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:06,400
What happened was in Rotterdam Zoo,
this gorilla called Bokito,

33
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,840
and a woman thought
she was bonding with him,

34
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,120
and she would sit and smile,

35
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:15,880
and gaze lovingly into his big
brown eyes, and that's the worst
thing you can do to a silverback,

36
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,520
to a dominant male.

37
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,760
One day, he just grabbed her.

38
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:24,600
He leapt over, bit her 100 times
and he broke many of her bones,
shall we say.

39
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,240
She was very nearly killed.
But fortunately, being Dutch...

40
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:31,400
I'd like to have a pair of these
if I ever get pulled
over for speeding.

41
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:38,000
"Do you know why you've been pulled
over?" "I've no idea."

44
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:46,360
We went to the zoo, and my mate Mike,
who's an odd bloke anyway,

45
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:51,640
we were in the monkey enclosure, and
he was staring at a monkey for ages.

46
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:54,360
And the monkey stared back at him
and went like this...

47
00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,520
Hello!

48
00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,520
And what did that mean, do we think?

49
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,760
Well, they're married now, so...

50
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:10,520
So if you're feeling a bit tired, can
you put them on upside down?
I suppose you could.

51
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:15,760
So, for weeks and weeks, this woman
had been thinking, "I'm getting on
really well with this gorilla".

52
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:19,120
And the gorilla's been
thinking, "I hate her."

53
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:22,120
I'm going to do something,
at some point, I'm going to crack.

54
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:25,560
But did they check that it wasn't
just an incredibly annoying woman?

55
00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:31,120
Tell me they didn't put
the gorilla down, or anything.
No, he was tranquillised.

56
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:35,240
After attacking her,
he went into a cafe where
he caused a bit of a sensation.

57
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:38,920
"Cappuccino. Don't look at me!"

58
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,480
"What would you like, sir?"

59
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:49,240
"Cappuccino and biscuits?
Certainly, we'll bring it over.

60
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:52,680
"No, no, it's on us."
"I'm sorry the cappuccino isn't
actually in the cup

61
00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:55,960
"but I'm not really looking
properly." That would be a
nightmare.

62
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,400
Because if you had those on like
that, and the cappuccinos were there,

63
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,080
or the cappuccinos were there,

64
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:05,840
and the gorilla's going, "Why are you
looking at the cappuccinos there?"

65
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:10,320
The gorilla would think you were
giving him the shoddy one.

66
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,240
Would dark glasses not do?
They would, they would.

67
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:17,240
To be honest with you, David,
this was more or less a publicity
gimmick

68
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,440
by a health insurance company.
It was to emphasise the fact, also,

69
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:24,920
and they gave them out at the zoo,
don't look directly into the eyes
of Bokito the gorilla.

70
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,360
The other option you have is,
you don't have to wear these,

71
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,240
just hide under a picnic table,
and you'll be fine.

72
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,760
I would say so, yes.
Why are they hiding under there?

73
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,760
Because there's a bloody
great gorilla!

74
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:40,840
Splendid answers,
all round, thank you very much.

75
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:46,200
Palmistry won't tell you your future
but it can tell you your past in the
form of genetic markers

76
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,480
that were set down while you
were in the womb.

77
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,400
There's somebody
playing with me.

78
00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:00,360
He sort of looks funny
with what you're doing.
There's a piece of wire.

79
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:08,240
I've been goosed by the palm
of a skeleton. I've been sitting
here for 10 minutes,

80
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,720
thinking, "When shall I do it,
when shall I do it?

81
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,480
"They're talking about palms,
it should be now, it should be now!"

82
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,520
Yay!

83
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,960
You see? It had to end...

84
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,720
Oh, dear.

85
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:27,480
Oh, dear. I just don't know where
this goes.

86
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,480
"Sorry."

87
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,720
"Keith, man,
me head's come off."

88
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:37,920
Heavens, thank you.
Carry on, carry on.

89
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:42,080
They actually look a little bit
like the Cheeky Girls.

90
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,840
They do. Yes.

91
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:50,520
There's some characters behind
me, shifty looking characters.

92
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:52,200
What were they up to last night?

93
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,080
They were up all night
making a picnic table.

94
00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:01,040
Before you get too insulting,
they're in the studio tonight.

95
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:03,400
I just thought I would warn you.

96
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:07,600
They were winning the Mr Handsome
contest. That's more like it.

97
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,160
Were they harming horses?

98
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,480
You know, when people harm
horses, slash horses? No!

99
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:17,480
It was a night-time covert
activity like slashing horses.

100
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:24,480
Slashing goats? No, let's assume we
wouldn't invite into the studio
people who maimed animals.

101
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,960
Were they pretending to be gas men?

102
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,440
And thereby sealing
the property of aged people?

103
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:35,960
No. If I told you this
was in Wiltshire, would that help?

104
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,320
Cathedral stealing!

105
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,920
Grave robbing?
Grave robbing's always...

106
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:43,840
They drew something rude
on Stonehenge?

107
00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,720
They drew something
rude on Stonehenge?

108
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,840
Crop circles! Oh, Alan, well done!
Crop circles, absolutely right.

109
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:52,960
APPLAUSE

110
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,840
There they are. The equipment needed
for crop circling,

111
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:59,720
a plank with rope,
but what was the crop circle?

112
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,200
We commissioned them. A QI symbol.

113
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,480
A QI crop circle,
and they did it for us.

114
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:08,360
It's impressive, we're
rather pleased with it.
Because QI's run by aliens.

115
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:11,600
Would you like to see it?
I certainly would.
Let's have it,

116
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,840
we went to the expense of having
a travelling aerial shot. Oh!

117
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,680
What do you think of that? Oats!

118
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:27,720
Extraordinary thing is,
within half-an-hour of its
completion and the dawn rising,

119
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,200
we were contacted.

120
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:35,320
Someone wanted to know, they said,
"Is it real, or is it man-made?"

121
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:41,480
You know the Burns address to
the haggis? Yes, it's a poem.

122
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:46,760
It's a poem which on Burns Night,
at a Burns supper,
somebody would address it.

123
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:50,840
It comes in...that's obviously
been cut open, as you can see.

124
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,840
Before it's cut, someone addresses
it, and it starts with -

125
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,840
"Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,

126
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:59,200
"Great chieftain o' the puddin' race,
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

127
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:02,720
"Painch, tripe, or thairm.
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm."

128
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,320
Bravo!

129
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,960
APPLAUSE

130
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,080
But...

131
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,960
There it is, being piped in.

132
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,920
But there's somebody I know was
doing a Burns supper abroad

133
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:21,120
and they had sent
the address over to Germany,
and it was translated into German

134
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,240
but the German translated it back,

135
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,600
and the line instead of, "Great
chieftain o' the puddin' race",

136
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,960
was translated back as, "Mighty
Fuhrer of the sausage people."

137
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,080
Oh, that's fabulous.

138
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,640
You can't fit a square
peg in a round hole,

139
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:48,080
so how would you make a square
hole with a round drill?

140
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,320
That's the question,
can it be done?

141
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:51,720
BONG
Yes, Jack Dee?

142
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,840
I would drill four small
holes...don't laugh
before it's happened.

143
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:02,280
I might surprise you yet.
I'm thinking while I talk.

144
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:08,080
I would drill four small holes
that would describe a square.
The corners? Corners.

145
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:13,960
And then with a hacksaw, I would
join them, and knock the square
through, and thus creating a square.

146
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,320
It's a way of punching
a square into the surface.

147
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:20,320
But there is actually a way of
using a round drill bit.

148
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,600
Well, my way's better.

149
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,960
That would have been brilliant if it
had gone...woo-woo

150
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,320
and every word you said....

151
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:29,480
One day.

152
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,960
Even the bit where you said...
Don't laugh before you hear it.

153
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:40,080
There's a particular shape,
a sort of circular triangle,

154
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:45,200
which, when it revolves,
a part of it makes a square.

155
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:48,200
A circular triangle!? Well...

156
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,840
Oh, no, no, no,
this is your first time -

157
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,320
this sort of thing happens
all the time on his show.

158
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:57,400
"It's a sort of circular triangle."

159
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,200
Yeah, and it makes a square.

160
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:05,600
It's not the fact that I'm
boggled by that, it's the fact that

161
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,480
I now realise there's a possibility
you could have

162
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,080
a Toblerone-Rolo combo. Yes!

163
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:18,320
Something you've dreamt
about for years.
A Roblerone.

164
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,080
Do you know what will freak you out
completely, Ross Noble?

165
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,320
The name for this
form of triangle is a Reuleaux.

166
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:26,840
It genuinely is.

167
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,360
LAUGHTER

168
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:30,600
I'm not joking...

169
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,320
I think you have to have
points for that,

170
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,920
you somehow found a triangle
that was a Rolo.

171
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,920
It's called a Reuleaux triangle,
and it's a very particular shape.

172
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,720
We come on this show
and we discover things,

173
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:45,400
and tonight I've just discovered
that the best three words to hear

174
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,200
in a Geordie accent are
Toblerone-Rolo combo.

175
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,960
Thanks, now everyone I meet's
going to go,

176
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:53,600
"Could you say Toblerone, please?

177
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:56,720
"Go on, Geordie man, dance for us."

178
00:10:56,720 --> 00:11:00,320
You've got to form a band now,
called that.

179
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:04,720
All right, me and Cheryl Cole?

180
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:07,960
Her, me and Jimmy Nail as a trio.

181
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:12,160
"Ladies and gentlemen,
the Toblerone-Rolo combo."

182
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:14,280
You've got to play the trombone.

183
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:15,440
The trombone?

184
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,320
My God.

185
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:22,600
Right, OK, do you want to see
a picture of this Reuleaux triangle?

186
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:28,720
Is it only available in airports?
Let's roll it.

187
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:34,120
You see, that's a sort of
round-ended triangle, there it is.

188
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:37,720
And that is the drill bit,
and it is describing a square,

189
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,080
if you see, exactly.

190
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,320
Isn't that crazy?

191
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,320
How loony is that?

192
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,720
You sicken me.

193
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:49,440
I use a greasy shampoo.

194
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,960
Do you?
What do you use, Stephen?

195
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:56,600
I use a sort of normal-
to-intelligent-aristocratic hair...

196
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:01,600
Did you not find when
they stopped you taking
your shampoo on holiday,

197
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,320
the first three or four
hours of your holiday

198
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:07,920
you're looking around for a shampoo
in Spain that suits you?

199
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,680
It is a nightmare, isn't it?

200
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,840
And I go, "Bloody Al Qaeda!"

201
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,720
"I don't know what greasy
is in Spanish."

202
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,960
I've got greasy in Spanish
in my dictionary,

203
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,440
but I can't see
it on any of the shampoo bottles,

204
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:25,760
and I just think,
"I'm on holiday here!

205
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,840
"I'm trying to relax,
and I'm going round finding
a shampoo that works for me!"

206
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:33,080
And that's Osama Bin Laden's fault!

207
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,960
And when I catch you,
you're going to pay!

208
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,160
Wow.

209
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,680
It really inconvenienced me.

210
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,600
You've got no hair at all.

211
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,320
I've got thick hair!

212
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,440
Where!? What!?

213
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,840
I've got lots of hair!

214
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,600
I've got thick hair, that's thick!
Yeah!

215
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:50,960
I just don't grow it.

216
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:55,200
Anyway, you're the last person to
be laughing at my hair!

217
00:12:55,200 --> 00:13:00,440
He's not wandering around Spain for
five days looking for greasy
shampoo, you weirdo!

218
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:04,600
You can just put your shampoo in your
hold luggage, cut out the problem.

219
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,440
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

220
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,600
You can't do that.

221
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:10,720
Yes, you can.

222
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,600
Why have you been...?

223
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:13,960
Because I cut and run.

224
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:19,360
When I hit holiday, I don't
stand around like some dummy,

225
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:23,160
waiting for the carousel to bring
my bag around - I cut and run!

226
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:26,720
No, I spend five hours
looking for shampoo.

227
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:29,320
I go out there and get some shampoo.

228
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,600
Why are you sticking up
for Al Qaeda?!

229
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,440
LAUGHTER

230
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,720
What's the matter with you people?!

231
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:38,080
I'm suffering here,
and you don't care, do you?

232
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,720
You're turning into Michael Caine
more every second.

233
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,120
It's quite disturbing.

234
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:45,320
I've got something else
to give you here.

235
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:49,840
I'm going to hand these
blank £2 coins.

236
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,840
Just try and draw the Queen's
head as she is on the coin.

237
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:56,960
The Queen's head on a coin?
Yeah, wearing a crown,
you know, an outline.

238
00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,080
Which way does she look?

239
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:01,440
No-one knows.

240
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,720
Don't ask for help.

241
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:07,200
Oi! Alan Davies, I'm going to take
points away if you cheat.

242
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,960
How do you think
I got through school?

243
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,960
I asked for help.

244
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,200
Is everyone done? Yes.

245
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,720
She looks like Lenny Henry on mine,
unfortunately.

246
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,200
That's all right.

247
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,840
OK, done.

248
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,200
OK, hold them up.

249
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:21,840
I like it.

250
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,840
Mine looks like a triceratops.

251
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,320
And let's have a look at yours.

252
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:28,960
Extraordinary.

253
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:32,720
The point is, you've all -
especially Bill, somehow -

254
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,600
you've all made the fundamental
error that everybody makes,

255
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,320
in thinking she faces left.

256
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,080
She faces right.
KLAXON

257
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,200
You said left!

258
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:42,840
Because most people think that.

259
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,560
I'm sorry, it's too late now.

260
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:49,600
88% of people think the
Queen faces left on her coins.

261
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:57,080
On every coin that ever was stamped
since she was Queen, it's always
faced the right. Never ask for help.

262
00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:01,440
Do they take it in turns?
So did her father face the other way?

263
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:02,880
Yes. And Prince Charles...

264
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:06,000
He's full-on with the ears
like that.

265
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,840
They've alternated since Charles II.

266
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:12,760
But does she not face the
other way on the paper money?

267
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,560
No, on the stamp. All right.

268
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:22,920
One theory as to why 88% of people
seem to think she faces left is
because she does on the definitive

269
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:27,800
edition of the stamps, which
we can see here. But on the other

270
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,200
hand, that's true in Denmark -
Queen Margrethe,

271
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:36,000
they also think she faces left,
but on the stamp she looks out and
on the coin she looks to the right.

272
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:42,320
If you ask a Dane which way she
faces on their coins, they will say,
as most of us would, left.

273
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,560
It's something to do, probably,
with right-handedness.

274
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,640
We just picture a profile that way.

275
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,840
It's really strange,
cos we handle these things

276
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:54,520
every day, unless you're Giles when
you have someone to do it for you.

277
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,120
It's bizarre that we just
don't notice, isn't it?

278
00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:04,360
The worst I ever saw,
and it was just me and I did want to
help, was on a cross-Channel ferry.

279
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:10,160
We've all been there when it's a
terrible storm and everybody was
being sick, really badly sick, and I

280
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:16,000
went in to the loos and you know the
doors have got those sort of ships'
doors so there's a lip at the bottom?

281
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:22,480
The entire lavatory was sick and, as
the ship rolled, there was a man,

282
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:25,360
a businessman, you know,
a suit, a tie,

283
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,560
respectable-looking
man, lying and the sick...

284
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,080
Oh!

285
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,280
..would come across him,
break over his head.

286
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:38,720
I stood at the door looking at this
sight and he was being sick

287
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:43,960
and he just looks straight at me
and just went,

288
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,600
"Kill me."

289
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,280
LAUGHTER

290
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:51,440
And I thought,
"If I had a heart, I would."

291
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:57,320
Moving on. The
point is, it isn't easy predicting
what the future will look like

292
00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:01,400
beyond saying that hopefully we'll
all have jet packs and smoke pipes.

293
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,760
Sorry, did you just say Beyonce?

294
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,840
Probably. I usually do.

295
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:10,480
It isn't easy to predict what the
future will look like beyond saying
that hopefully we'll all be riding

296
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:17,520
round on jet packs and smoking
pipes. He said Beyonce!
Did he not say Beyonce?

297
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,640
APPLAUSE

298
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,280
Where did I say Beyonce?

299
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:26,280
"Beyond saying." Oh, golly.

300
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,200
Oh.

301
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,200
What are you actually trying to say?
Beyond saying. "It's difficult to

302
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,440
predict what the future would be like
beyond saying..." You can't say

303
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,000
that without saying Beyonce.

304
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,120
You can't! OK.

305
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:44,360
OK, I'm watching, I'm listening.

306
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:49,080
It isn't easy to predict what
the future will look like beyond
remarking that hopefully...

307
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,240
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

308
00:17:53,960 --> 00:18:01,560
You have to get up pretty early
in the morning. He's got the
big money in the middle there.

309
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:05,400
Now it's time for a round
of quick-fire hypotheticals.

310
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:18,040
So, all you have to do is tell me
the first thing that comes
into your head, basically.

311
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,440
Let's say you found a
fallen tree in the forest.

312
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:27,800
Obviously,
it fell down before you arrived,
but did it make a sound as it fell?

313
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,760
Ooh, um... No.

314
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,760
KLAXON BLARES

315
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:36,520
Well,
no-one's going to say yes, are they?

316
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,960
Yeah, you're right. Do you know
where this question comes from?

317
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,400
It's a famous... Bishop Berkeley.

318
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:48,200
Yes. If there's no-one to hear
a sound, is there a sound?

319
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,280
It depends so much what you
mean by sound, doesn't it?

320
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:55,920
Well, there isn't because sound is
the vibration of the eardrum. Is it?

321
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,040
Well,
it depends, though, cos part of the

322
00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:01,640
definition of sound is that there
has to be a recipient for the sound.

323
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:05,520
There's the thing that makes the
noise and there's the transmission
of the noise and then

324
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,800
the reception of the noise. But if
there's no reception,
maybe the noise doesn't exist.

325
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:13,040
Other things are still vibrating,
but whether that vibration
counts as a sound or not...

326
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:16,760
The definition of sound
is what happens in the ear.

327
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:20,480
There isn't any sound if
there's no-one to hear it.
It's a mooty point.

328
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,960
There's the speed of sound and
it's only what happens in the ear.

329
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:27,520
How do you get that speed
between that and your ear?

330
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,640
LAUGHTER

331
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:31,440
No. I'm...

332
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:38,720
Maybe by the time that tree's
fallen and you've got there, that
sound's halfway round the world

333
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:42,880
and making someone
else very nervous. "Argh!"

334
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,960
Stephen, are you sure about this?

335
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:49,400
Well, no-one is sure.
That's why it's a hypothetical.

336
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,760
To a semanticist or a neurologist,
they may say that sound is that, but

337
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:56,360
to a physicist, they would say the
propagation of sound waves is sound.

338
00:19:56,360 --> 00:20:01,520
Whether or not there is an ear
to vibrate, it is a sound wave.
And if it's a sound wave...

339
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,800
I disagree that they are
sound waves because...

340
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,280
You may disagree, but that's...
You're welcome to.

341
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:13,480
They only become a sound wave
when there's an ear to receive it.

342
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,320
Do you remember we talked about
that thing that really astonished me?

343
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:21,320
Did you know that light's invisible?
In a dark vacuum,

344
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:24,160
if you shoot a beam of
light across the eyeballs like that,

345
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:28,000
you can't see it, because you
can only see what light hits.

346
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:33,080
But people said, "But that's a stupid
answer because the definition of

347
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,720
light is something that goes into
your eye and is then received.

348
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,520
Until it does that, it's not light.
Mmm.

349
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,840
But we have all kinds of things
like, not ears, for example.

350
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:46,280
Are you saying that it's not sound
if it registers on a recording
device that is left there without

351
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:49,640
a human there, that it's bending
the needle of a recording device?

352
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:54,920
Does the machine not hear? Is it
not a sound wave that is actually
causing the machine to register?

353
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:59,560
Yes, but in Bishop Berkeley...
I talked about you, not
about Bishop Berkeley.

354
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:04,000
The point is, it's not as
simple as just to say yes or no.

355
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,400
Go on, Stephen, go on!

356
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,880
You've got him! You've got him!

357
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,440
APPLAUSE

358
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:14,400
I've swam with dolphins
as well and it is quite an
extraordinary experience.

359
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,760
SEAN: It's terrible when
they reject you.

360
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:22,640
That's horrible
and all your family and all your
therapists are standing on the beach

361
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:27,760
and it's freezing cold
and there's loads of dolphins just
pissing off back to the sea.

362
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:30,880
And then you look
round and you go, "Hmm...

363
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:36,120
"I suppose we'd just better carry
on with the medication, then."

364
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,240
No, Sean. If they rejected you...

365
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:44,320
"I mean, at least we tried.

366
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:47,520
"Can I have a towel?"

367
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,800
There was a Frenchman who
had nothing better to do than to

368
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:55,760
electrocute people's faces, in order
to make their lips turn upwards

369
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,320
without their eyes moving.
There we are.

370
00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,440
That's what he liked to do.

371
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,400
It's a job.
He's only ten years old, that boy.

372
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:14,040
"As you can't have real sideburns,
have these electric ones."

373
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:18,760
His name was Guillaume Duchenne
and he defined a true smile
as having to involve the face

374
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:24,320
and the eyes and what he discovered
was that you can't control your
eyes, can't make your eyes smile -

375
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:28,560
it's involuntary - whereas
you can make your lips smile.
Here are some rather

376
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:32,680
horrifying attempts
to try and make people smile.

377
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:38,000
These are all the QI researchers.
Bending over backwards for the show.

378
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,040
It's disturbing.

379
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:42,120
Couldn't he get
a different volunteer?

380
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,720
Poor Barry. Day 60...

381
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,080
Urgh! Day 61...

382
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:50,800
Uragh!

383
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:57,040
The second one from the bottom,
looks like the bloke's
come in from the side.

384
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,080
He's been surprised, I suppose.

385
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:03,280
No, there is actually, Andy,
a third probe you can't see.

386
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:10,280
Mr Duchenne actually
gave the numbers out. 58 is,
"I forgot my mother's birthday".

387
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,680
61 - "Left the gas on".

388
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:18,720
That's not "Left the gas on".
That's "I've just trodden
on a cat and it's died".

389
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:28,120
The real smile is called the
Duchenne Smile, and with only
the mouth smiling, it's known

390
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:33,640
in the trade of happiness studies,
gelotology, it's known as...
A Gordon Brown.

391
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,520
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

392
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:45,320
There have been things like yokes,
you put them on your shoulders.
There, look at that.

393
00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:50,040
Splendid. And it's extraordinary
how much they did give you
a slight advantage.

394
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:53,200
It looks silly, but I find myself,
more and more,

395
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,320
as I enter my 30s now...
LAUGHTER

396
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,120
..doing that. Yes.

397
00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:01,480
And it makes a hell of a difference.
Take them away, David.

398
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:02,960
Hello, David... Not yet.

399
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:07,920
Hello, David, it's lovely to see you.
Now try them. Sorry, what?

400
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:11,360
Put them there.

401
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:13,960
Hello, David.

402
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:17,280
Oh, sush! You see. Practical proof.

403
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:21,560
He's misunderstanding,
for comic effect, but it's...true.

404
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,400
Hello, David, lovely to see you.

405
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:28,280
It genuinely makes a difference.

406
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:29,880
It sounds much better.

407
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,280
That's very disorienting.

408
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:36,440
And when you talk yourself with them,
you almost fall over.

409
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:39,440
So don't talk yourself like this.
Also, you look like an idiot.

410
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:43,600
I feel like I'm in front of myself.
Yes.

411
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:46,840
What's nice is it also has
a nice warming effect on the ears.

412
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:50,520
It's really a win win win
win win win win, isn't it?

413
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,480
I find it very comforting,
and also it means you can't hear

414
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:56,240
all the horrible things
people behind me are saying.

415
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,800
You have to reverse it like that.

416
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,040
Shut up, shut up, shut up!

417
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:08,600
I've just had a bizarre
realisation that I know loads
about hedgehogs and I don't know why.

418
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:11,080
When did that happen?
I think it's rather nice.

419
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:16,240
You know those tapes that
you get, when you listen to them
subliminally... During the night?

420
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:21,720
..to learn foreign languages?
I think that Chinese one
was a hedgehog tape.

421
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:25,880
It was, cos a hedgehog
snuck in and swapped tapes.

422
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:31,640
Didn't even change tapes.
It just sat by the bed going,
"For many years, we were feared

423
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:35,880
and despised by the British public
and then along came
Beatrix Potter..."

424
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:38,160
I'll be getting you back
for the cheese.

425
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,720
I wouldn't call
your hedgehog knowledge "loads".

426
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:48,280
You know a couple of things,
but compared to what you know
about other stuff, it's loads.

427
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:52,880
All right,
let's compare my hedgehog knowledge
with your hedgehog knowledge. OK.

428
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:56,680
OK, Sean, here's a chance for you
to pound him into the dust.

429
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:58,800
It's a hedgehog slam down!

430
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,560
What do you call a baby hedgehog?

431
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,400
FOGHORN

432
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:05,520
Tiggy-Winkle Junior.

433
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,280
There is a name. Two names.

434
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:10,480
A...hoglet.

435
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,520
Yes, it's the right answer!
In your face!

436
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:16,720
In your face!

437
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:24,160
Nothing like a
graceful winner, is there(?)
You could have said urchin.

438
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,760
They're also known as urchins.
There's saliva coming out.

439
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:33,760
Graham. Come with me,
Daniel Radcliffe. Oh, I say.

440
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:40,000
This did seem like a good idea. So if
you want to kneel down there. Right.

441
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,720
This feels very wrong, doesn't it?

442
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,280
Children are watching and sobbing.

443
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,080
"What's he doing?!"

444
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:57,160
"He found Dorothy,
now he's killing Harry Potter."

445
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:01,600
Are you all right there? Yeah.

446
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:05,280
Daniel, have you finished
both of the Harry Potter films?

447
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:07,600
It'll be fine, it'll be fine,
it'll be fine.

448
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:11,560
They can easily finish them
without you.

449
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:14,760
I'm so bad at this.
I was about to lean through.

450
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:21,720
Are you all right there?
Are you comfortable?
Yes, it's lovely, thank you.

451
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:23,800
Nothing can go wrong.
Wouldn't it be awful?

452
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:30,240
We had the stuff about the bullet
and soon there'll be some story -

453
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:33,200
"and then Graham got distracted
by a bright light".

454
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:39,360
Have I done it..?
I think I've done it all right.

455
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:43,760
You'll live on in films for ever.

456
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:46,760
DRUM ROLL

457
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:48,280
Drum roll. OK, here we go.

458
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:52,480
So, three...two...

459
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,200
AUDIENCE: One...

460
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:55,240
Argh!

461
00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,920
On that bombshell,
ladies and gentlemen...

462
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:07,120
..it's thanks to Graham
and the late Daniel Radcliffe.

463
00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:08,720
Goodnight!