1 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:30,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:34,400 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 3 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:39,800 and welcome to QI, where tonight, once again, the Is have it. 4 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:43,440 I spy with my little eye the illustrious Sandi Toksvig! 5 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:48,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 6 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:51,760 The indubitable Jimmy Carr! 7 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. 8 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,680 The incorrigible Lee Mack! 9 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. 10 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:05,720 And the 'ilarious Alan Davies. 11 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:09,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:14,640 And I hear with my little ear their buzzers. Sandi goes... 13 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,600 "Aye-aye." LAUGHTER 14 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:20,800 - Jimmy goes... - "Oi-oi!" LAUGHTER 15 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:23,280 - Lee goes... - "Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye!" 16 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,800 - LAUGHTER - And Alan goes... 17 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:28,480 "# I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" 18 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:30,000 LAUGHTER 19 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,120 Don't forget your Nobody Knows Joker. 20 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:35,640 FANFARE "Nobody knows!" 21 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:39,680 That's the one. There is a question to which the answer is, "Nobody knows" 22 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:45,080 and if you can predict which that question is and wave your banner, you'll get points. 23 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:49,240 And so to question I, I mean question one. No, I was right the first time. 24 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:53,520 What's the difference between an ai and an aye-aye? 25 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:57,160 Have you heard of an ai? It's a very useful word in Scrabble. 26 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:01,040 - A-I. - Yes. Oh, yes! It's a sloth. 27 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:04,800 - A sloth! Exactly. But what about an aye-aye? - Two sloths. 28 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,400 LAUGHTER 29 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,760 All right, so we've got the ai. Where does the ai live? 30 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:13,080 - Where does it live? - In a tree. 31 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:18,240 - Yeah. In which part of the world would you expect to find it? - South America. - Yes. 32 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:22,920 They're wonderful things. They look like humans dressed in a sloth costume. 33 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:28,120 But to be fair, you could say that about any animal. A giraffe looks like a human in a giraffe costume. 34 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:32,400 - You look at a picture of an ai and I think you'll see what I mean. - Oh! 35 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:37,760 - That does look like a person in a costume. - He's climbing a tree which looks like a man dressed as a tree. 36 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,520 - LAUGHTER - Yes. 37 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:43,320 He also looks like he's made of that stuff they used to make dish mops out of. 38 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,000 - Their heads are very disproportionate. - They are. 39 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:50,600 They live up to their name. They're very lazy. They only come down to defecate. 40 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:55,160 - They come down from a tree to defecate? - Yes. - The benefit of living in a tree is you can... 41 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:59,680 - Poo on whomever you like? - Maybe they've got a downstairs toilet. - Yes. 42 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:04,800 - Hadn't thought of that, had you? - Once you've had it put in, you want to use it. - Absolutely. 43 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:09,560 Very unusually for mammals, they need to bask in the sun to warm up their metabolism. 44 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:13,520 So that's the ai. We've got the ai. But tell me about the aye-aye. 45 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:19,680 - Is it spelt the same as the ai? - No. - Obviously there's more letters. - It's AYE-hyphen-AYE. 46 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,400 - Aye-aye, sir. - And I happen to have been and seen one. 47 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:26,160 Very few people have, cos it's one of the most endangered species. 48 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:30,080 - Is it a Geordie version of that? - Aye-aye? No, that's the why-aye. 49 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,480 - Oh. - Are we in the same part of the world? 50 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,480 - We're not in the same part of the world. - Is it a sloth? - No. 51 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:38,320 It's more closely related to us. It's a primate. 52 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:41,920 - Primate? - But it's not an ape or a monkey. What other kinds... 53 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:46,120 - Is it the aye-aye orang-utan? - Lemur? - Lemur. It's a lemur. 54 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:49,640 - Therefore, it must come from only one place on earth. - Oh! - Bradford. 55 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,640 LAUGHTER 56 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:54,480 It looks like someone's put some water on a gremlin. 57 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,520 - LAUGHTER - Yes. 58 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,320 That's exactly right. Which you know you mustn't do. 59 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:04,160 - I would think that the animal on the left has an easier job getting a well-fitting hat. - Yes. 60 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,560 - LAUGHTER And a girlfriend. - Yes. 61 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:12,800 - That may be why the aye-aye is so endangered. - It's Madagascar. - That's the only place you get lemurs. 62 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:17,760 You can't see there, but they have the most extraordinary middle finger which is fully extended 63 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:23,680 and looks like a dried twig. Really unusual. They tap with their finger on the barks of trees 64 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:27,960 and bring out little worms and grubs which they catch and eat off their finger, 65 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:32,160 - like a piece of cutlery. - So nature has designed them to eat Hula Hoops? 66 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,400 - Basically. - That's extraordinary. 67 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:39,040 Zoologists would say they fill the niche that woodpeckers filled in other environments. 68 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:44,920 There are superstitions about them, that if you... Pardon me. If I did this to you, or this, 69 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,840 - if one of those did that to you, that'd be... - That's right. 70 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:51,360 It's called the Fady, which is the taboo system of the local people, 71 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:55,800 and because they're nocturnal creatures and because they look so weird, 72 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:59,560 they regard them as a curse and they have a habit of killing them. 73 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,880 - It does look like a really bad hair transplant. - It does. 74 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,400 Well, I'm not surprised people kill them. 75 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:10,320 Never mind superstition, if you walk across a street doing that, you're going to get a guy going, 76 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:14,520 - "I can take him on." - And also, I'm not surprised they're endangered, 77 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:20,880 cos they're clearly not mating, are they? They're looking at each other and going, "I'd rather not". 78 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,880 - It is dark, remember. - All the ugly ones come out in the dark. 79 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,960 - LAUGHTER - That's how Jimmy mates. - Oh! 80 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,520 "I'm happy to do it, love, but it'll have to be with the lights off." 81 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,640 JIMMY LAUGHS 82 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:37,760 LAUGHTER I can't believe your wife told you that story. 83 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:40,160 - LAUGHTER - Oh! 84 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,560 APPLAUSE 85 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:47,240 - It's like... - I even did that in a northern accent. 86 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:50,240 It's like watching two 1970s northern comics having a row. 87 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:55,000 - "Funny, cos your wife said..." "Your wife doesn't exist." "You what?" - LAUGHTER 88 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:59,520 - They do that on the streets of New York with "your mama". - They do what with my mama? 89 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:04,000 - LAUGHTER Why don't you say "one's mama"? - One's mama. - Yeah. 90 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:08,640 - I'd love you to do that on the streets of New York. - One's mama. - "Oh, one's mama to you!" 91 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:11,440 Yes. That'll jolly well show them! 92 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,720 Anyway, you didn't get that right, so let's try it again. 93 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:18,040 What's the difference between an "aye" and an "aye-aye"? 94 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:23,080 - It's the same question. - Yes, but with different answers. - BUZZER 95 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:27,320 - Is it different answers? - Yes. - Oh. I don't know, then. LAUGHTER 96 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:32,720 - Maybe this time, aye-aye, sir. Is it "Aye-aye, sir" and "Aye, sir" are two different things? - Yes. 97 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:38,000 That's the difference. In the navy... There's Kenneth Williams. A shining example! 98 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,960 Do you know how they separate the men from the boys in the navy? With a crowbar. 99 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,920 LAUGHTER 100 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,240 - Oh, dear. - Aww! 101 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,800 As you know, they say, "Aye" in the navy, but they also say, "Aye-aye". 102 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,880 And there is a difference and I want you to tell me what that difference is. 103 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,320 Does "Aye" mean yes, as in "What do you want?" 104 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:00,880 So you go, "You!" "Aye?" "Go and mop the floor." "Aye-aye." 105 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:04,520 Basically, yes. "Aye" is an agreement or an assent. 106 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:09,600 So the captain might say, "Nice morning, isn't it?" and the sailor would say, "Aye, sir." 107 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:13,360 But he might say, "Order hands to bathe" and then he'd go, "Aye-aye, sir" 108 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:17,680 - meaning, "I heard your order, I'll carry it out". - Wash my hands. - No. - What does it mean? 109 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:21,040 All hands overboard. Sounds like, "Jump in the water". 110 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:24,920 - Hands are what you call the ship's company. - All sailors have a bath together. 111 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:30,280 Yes, in the sea. "Hands to bathe" means, when they're in nice waters, they let the men swim in the sea. 112 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,840 But don't take your hats off. LAUGHTER 113 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:37,320 - Whatever you do! - Don't take your hats off, the seagulls might need somewhere to land. 114 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,680 Are they singing a song while that's going on? 115 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:44,240 - If synchronised swimmers dressed like that, you'd think more of the sport. - You would! 116 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:49,000 - It'd get on TV more. - Also, you could combine it with Total Wipeout. 117 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,600 You could run across the top as they're doing synchronised swimming. 118 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:56,960 More Is now. Why won't this woman stop staring at you? 119 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,400 BUZZER She's only human. 120 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:02,480 LAUGHTER 121 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:05,840 She's got her needs, like any woman. LAUGHTER 122 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:11,040 - Are we being suggested to say cos her eyes are following you around the room? - Yeah, they do. 123 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,880 They don't literally follow you around the room, 124 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,440 but that experience is, wherever you are in relation to that painting, 125 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:21,280 - she is looking at you. - What if you're behind her? Behind the painting? 126 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:24,320 That only works on paintings of owls. LAUGHTER 127 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:28,280 What's the most famous painting in the Wallace Collection in London? 128 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:32,000 You know you're looking at the wrong person, don't you? LAUGHTER 129 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:37,360 - It's only... - Lee, I wasn't looking at you. - Sometimes your eyes follow me round the room, Stephen. 130 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:41,520 - Sandi... - I honestly thought someone was stood behind me. 131 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,720 - It is the Cavalier? - It is the Laughing Cavalier. 132 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:49,360 - The Laughing Cavalier? - Very good. That has the same quality, as well. 133 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,600 It's true of a lot of portraits. 134 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:56,600 Surely any painting where the person is looking at the artist. It's not unique to that painting. 135 00:08:56,600 --> 00:09:02,240 - No, it isn't. - Any painting where the subject is looking towards the camera, for want of a better word. 136 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:06,920 But if you have a painting where someone's looking down, even if you get down to the eye level, 137 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:10,720 - it will never look at you. - You would look mad in an art gallery doing that. 138 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:15,080 - LAUGHTER He's looking at me! - Look at me! - But it DOESN'T look at you. 139 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:20,040 - They only look at you when they're looking straight out. - It's not like that in Scooby-Doo, though. 140 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:25,840 - There's somebody behind the painting and they really are following you around. - In horror films. 141 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:29,360 - Exactly. - If you were to look at me now, and I walked over there 142 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:34,720 and you fixed your gaze forward, you wouldn't be looking at me. So you'd think it'd be true of the painting. 143 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,480 But you're not looking at the eyes of the painting, 144 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:40,080 you're looking through the eyes of the artist. 145 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:44,760 So wherever you stand, you look through the eyes of the artist, not your own eyes. Good night. 146 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:49,680 - Rather beautifully put. - Stephen is three-dimensional and the painting is two-dimensional 147 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:52,880 - so that doesn't work. - But I'm looking at you through my eyes. 148 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:57,040 So if I walk over there, I'm still looking at you through my eyes so it doesn't work. 149 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:59,720 But I'm not looking at HIS eyes, the subject's eyes - 150 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:03,680 I'm looking through the artist's eyes and they stay fixed at all times. 151 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:08,120 So it's like bending light. It's like having a telescope that bends round, 152 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:14,320 - you're looking through the artist's eyes. - In a nice way, I'm going to say I don't think you fully understood. 153 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 154 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:21,760 If you change the word "nice" to "patronising", that works. LAUGHTER 155 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:26,080 - Well... - And you're kind with the word "fully" cos I don't think I understood any of it. 156 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:33,480 - LAUGHTER - Anyway, we've got a little example of an optical illusion here. 157 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,440 If you photograph it in the right way, as you're about to see, 158 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:38,840 the eye plays extraordinary tricks on you. 159 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:42,000 So there it is. This is Einstein. There he is in profile. 160 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,280 And there's the inverted bit, 161 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:48,800 but hello, your eye tells you that's poking outwards, and yet it isn't. 162 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,160 That's the inside bit. 163 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:54,920 And your eye refuses to believe it until you get to that. 164 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:59,240 - Oh, you're twisting my melon, man. - Isn't that extraordinary? 165 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:04,160 - Why does it do that? - Because your brain is programmed to recognise human faces. 166 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:08,560 One of the first things babies do is look at faces, and you expect to see a face 167 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:11,800 - and even though you know it isn't a real face... - Ahh. 168 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,360 - ..your brain fills in the gaps. - I did it again. 169 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:17,640 - It's an astonishing illusion. - Does it only work with Einstein? 170 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,040 - No! - LAUGHTER Would it work with another man? 171 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:23,120 - It would work with any human being. - Ahh! - It's very creepy. 172 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:27,720 - It's amazing, isn't it? - But I can't believe it did the same trick twice. - I know. 173 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,760 - Listen, we're not going to fall for it this time. - And yet... 174 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,920 - LAUGHTER - Not three times. 175 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:36,240 Outside, outside, outside, outside, outside. 176 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:40,640 - This is going to be inside, Lee. This one's inside. - Inside. - Inside. 177 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:42,800 - Ahh! - Oh! 178 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,760 How does he do it? How does he do it? 179 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:50,400 - It's so clever. - He's so clever. - We literally filmed this. You can see, 180 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:54,800 - that's all it is. - This is a great trick. I might cut my head in half and scoop out my brain. 181 00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:57,640 LAUGHTER 182 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:03,520 - What a wonderful thing. It would make the most wonderful blancmange. - LAUGHTER 183 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:07,520 Are we going to bother with the rest of the show? Cos I could happily just... 184 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,480 LAUGHTER I mean, it's lovely chatting and everything, 185 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:14,480 - and I love what we do, but let's just... - You're hypnotised. 186 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:20,080 - Have you got any others apart from Einstein? - No. But we can make the Queen happy or sad with a £5 note. 187 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:24,600 You can do this with your own £5 notes. We'll give you a demonstration. You do a little fold. 188 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,240 Aww. Ahh! 189 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:31,640 - Aww. Ahh! - LAUGHTER 190 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,680 APPLAUSE 191 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:39,320 - That's brilliant. - Do you remember when they ran the Derby, her horse, Carlton House? 192 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:43,000 "It's winning, it's winning, it's going to win the Derby! Oh, bollocks." 193 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,440 - LAUGHTER - It came third and a Frenchman won. 194 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:51,200 - Does it only work on a fiver? Does it work on bigger money? - It'll work on most denominations. 195 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:55,480 - And will it work on the Queen if you tilt HER? - It will also work on the sovereign herself. 196 00:12:55,480 --> 00:13:00,320 Is that why she looks so sad when she's bowing? Not that the Queen bows much. 197 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,840 - She's probably never bowed in her life. - No, I've met her. 198 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,400 - Does she bow? - She does, yes. 199 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,480 LAUGHTER 200 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,000 Another thing is to find out where and how we look. 201 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,680 There is a whole science called gaze detection. 202 00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:18,240 - No, I do not... - LAUGHTER Don't even look at me. 203 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,760 - It's a science, is it, Stephen? - LAUGHTER 204 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,280 - It's actually a "dar" I believe. - No, not the gaydar. 205 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,160 Gaze detection. G-A-Z-E. 206 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:32,320 And there are tests done between men and women and the different way they look at bodies. 207 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,640 When women look at a human being, they look at their faces. 208 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,680 - When men look at a human being... - I know this. 209 00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:41,840 Yes. Yes, they... 210 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:47,160 - It's the... - I'm afraid they look at their faces and their groins. - Their personality. - Yeah. 211 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:51,400 And their groins. And the American Kennel Association, even more disturbingly, 212 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,720 found that when looking at animals, women look at the dog's face, 213 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,880 men look at the dog's face and genitals. 214 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,720 There are some things you can't hide. 215 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:05,880 And gaze detection is most important commercially, though, for what? 216 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:10,240 For the new idea that I've just had of writing advertising slogans on ladies' groins. 217 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,080 - No! - We're going to be rich, Stephen! 218 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:15,840 - No! - It's not just ladies' groins. 219 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:19,040 - Men look at men's groins, as well. - I'm afraid they do. 220 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:23,480 - You wouldn't get much of a slogan on a Chihuahua, would you? - LAUGHTER 221 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:27,440 - You wouldn't get much of a slogan on me, never mind the Chihuahua. - Oh, now! 222 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,960 - Why, though? Why do boys look at dogs' genitals? - This is news to us. 223 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:34,280 LAUGHTER This is news to all of us. There's not one man in the room 224 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:38,360 thinking this is observational comedy, going, "That's me". LAUGHTER 225 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:43,600 - We're all going, "What? We look at dogs' genitals?" - You may not know you do it, but you do it. 226 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:48,000 This is what the experiments show. It's most useful in merchandising in supermarkets, 227 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,480 to see that there are certain areas in any store 228 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:55,560 where people are automatically drawn and therefore they are the most valuable, 229 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,720 so the items that go there are the ones that are being pushed. 230 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:03,080 So if you really wanted to sell something to men, have a beautiful woman walk past, 231 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:07,720 and you'd look at the things right by her eye and she'd have a dog with her with large genitals. 232 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:11,400 - LAUGHTER - Yes. You're conflating the various things I've said. 233 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:14,680 I'm still horrified by men looking at dogs' genitals! 234 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,800 - LAUGHTER - Do we do the same with horses? - It is news to men. 235 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:24,720 Horses don't do anything for our self-esteem. LAUGHTER 236 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:29,520 I went to a wedding in a beautiful country church and it was in the middle of fields and so on, 237 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:33,360 and the couple were having their picture taken, and not one of us had noticed 238 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,800 there was a horse in the field just behind the happy couple 239 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:43,360 - who had the biggest area of expertise I've ever seen. - LAUGHTER 240 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,680 - That's all you can see in the photographs. - LAUGHTER 241 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,600 They couldn't crop it out, it was so large. 242 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:55,160 Well, we must move on, charming as this is. The way to get the eyes to follow you around the room 243 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:58,920 is to paint them looking straight ahead. Next, a question about infancy. 244 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:03,280 Which best-selling children's author has something to say on rabid dogs, 245 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:07,560 suicide victims, slaughtering cattle and how to tie your shoelaces? 246 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:12,440 - BUZZER - Yes, Lee? - Katie Price. LAUGHTER 247 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:18,320 - It's a wild stab in the dark... - That was the title of her second book. - How To Slaughter Cattle? 248 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:22,680 - Yeah. - Yeah? This has probably sold 150 million copies since its first publication. 249 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:25,840 - In a children's book? - A book written for children. 250 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:29,200 Look at the boys looking round at the dog's genitals. LAUGHTER 251 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:33,920 He is! That's Dick on the left. Dick, Anne and Julian. 252 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,160 And Dick is looking at Timmy's bits. 253 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,120 Girls, eyes forward. Boys going, "Hello!" 254 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:43,840 - You see, even Enid Blyton knew. - It's an old English book? 255 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:48,440 - Published in the Edwardian era. - Are we looking for the name of the book or the author? 256 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:53,200 The name of the author was Robert, later Lord, Baden-Powell. 257 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:57,320 - Oh, Scouting For Boys? - Scouting For Boys is the right answer. 258 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,960 Scouting For Boys has got something on suicide? 259 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:04,680 - It has. It has an amazing entry. Maybe you'd like to hear it. - I would love to hear it. 260 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:10,280 "When a man attempts suicide..." They don't count women, "..a scout should know what to do with him." 261 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,760 - LAUGHTER - "In a case where the would-be suicide has taken poison, 262 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:19,040 "give milk and make him vomit by tickling the inside of the throat with a finger or a feather. 263 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,880 "In the case of hanging, cut down the body at once, 264 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:25,080 "taking care to support it with one arm while cutting the cord. 265 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:29,800 - "A tenderfoot," which is scouting for novice... - They make that sound very simple. 266 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:35,040 "..is sometimes inclined to be timid about handling an insensible or a dead man, or even seeing blood. 267 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,560 "Well, he won't be much use till he gets over such nonsense." 268 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,640 LAUGHTER 269 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:44,880 There you are. Advice to young boys on how to slaughter cattle. 270 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:49,120 "If you're a beginner in slaughtering with a knife, 271 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:55,400 "it's sometimes useful to first drop the animal insensible by a heavy blow with a big hammer 272 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:59,560 - "or the back of a felling axe on top of the head." - LAUGHTER 273 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:03,240 - Kindest thing to do, really. - Stopping a runaway horse? 274 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:06,880 - Does he give advice on that? - He does. - Lie down. - That would stop the horse? 275 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:10,800 - Oh, no, they don't tread on you. - Oh, I know, play dead. 276 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:16,040 - How would that stop the horse? - I'm thinking of a ferocious grizzly bear again, aren't I? 277 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:20,360 What you don't do is stand in front of it waving your arms. That's the mistake to make. 278 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:27,200 - You go to the side and ease it towards the side of a wall or house. - When it's running? 279 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,080 You ease a running horse to the side of a wall, yeah? 280 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:34,400 "Don't worry, lads, I'll just ease this running horse to the side of a wall." 281 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:39,040 It can see out of the corner of its eye, and it will slow it down, according to Baden-Powell. 282 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:42,000 "Give us a hand!" "I can't, Uncle Pete's hung himself." 283 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,920 - What about saving someone who's fallen in front of a train? - Oh, I know this, 284 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:49,400 you ease the train up against a wall. LAUGHTER 285 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,200 "If the train is very close, lie flat between the rails, 286 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:55,280 "make the man do the same till the train passes over, 287 00:18:55,280 --> 00:19:00,160 "while everyone else will be running about screaming, excited and doing nothing." 288 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:04,360 - You jump on the track with him and push his head down? - Yes. - Sure, I'd do that(!) 289 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:09,240 - Is there such a big gap between the wheels? - There is in the movies but I wouldn't be the one to try it. 290 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:14,360 It'd be great if you hung yourself and a scout cut you down, and you went, "OK, I'll jump under a train." 291 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:19,520 "He's here again!" LAUGHTER "Hello, mate!" 292 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:23,120 I was once given a book that was given to women in the 17th century, 293 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:26,760 and it was advice for young ladies, and the advice for the marriage bed, 294 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:30,600 it says, "Of the marriage bed, we can't speak of a husband's appetite, 295 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,200 "so we will describe it in terms of food." 296 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,840 And what it said is that you must feed your husband whenever he's hungry, 297 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,880 feed him a variety of meals, or you will soon find he's eating next door. 298 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,480 LAUGHTER 299 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,520 I like this book, was it called The Good Old Days? 300 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:49,160 Goodness gracious me! With that in mind, here's an initiative test. 301 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:52,640 What should you do if you were to meet a friendly jackal? 302 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,000 Well, I know where my eyes are going! 303 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,920 LAUGHTER 304 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:01,560 Do they use their friendliness to lure you into a terrible trap? 305 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,360 Well, they sort of do. 306 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:07,080 - But how can it be friendly? I don't understand the concept. - That's the point. 307 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:12,440 They're only friendly under one circumstance, because they're wild animals, they're not tameable. 308 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,640 - It's if they have rabies. - Oh! 309 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,760 One of the symptoms of rabies in wild animals 310 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,960 is that they become very docile and they will approach humans and look rather submissive. 311 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,920 A great mistake would be to pet them. 312 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:27,160 Is the hint not that they are frothing at the mouth, usually? 313 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,280 They don't always froth at the mouth, so you can't always tell. 314 00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:34,200 I did a trip for the BBC in which I canoed the Zambezi, 315 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,240 which I don't recommend. 316 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,320 You get a condition I can only describe as trench bottom. 317 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:43,760 I was told all the way down to avoid all dogs because of rabies. 318 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,560 I was very surprised to see that most of the local people 319 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:49,120 had a dog with them, and I thought, "That's nice. 320 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:52,200 "They've all got a pet." But it turns out that's not the case. 321 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,840 They've got the dog in case they're attacked by a crocodile. 322 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,120 So what they do is throw the dog. 323 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:03,560 They throw the dog at the crocodile as a sort of a tapas. 324 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,920 - My God! - I'm sorry, did your boat have a dog? - No. - They had you? 325 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:19,640 "We've got a small lady from the BBC we're using. Don't tell anyone." 326 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:22,720 If you meet a friendly jackal, 327 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,720 you should probably give it a good kicking to be on the safe side. 328 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,160 The next question requires a bit of intelligence. 329 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:31,200 Who finished off Russia's greatest love machine? 330 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,080 BUZZER 331 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:34,520 Boney M. 332 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,320 LAUGHTER 333 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:42,960 No, he can't say that! How has he got away with that? 334 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:47,120 - We're talking about Rasputin? - We are. - Let's go through the lyrics. 335 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:48,880 This is all I know about Rasputin. 336 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:52,560 - Ra, Ra Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine. - Lover of the Russian Queen. 337 00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,720 Yes. This is how I learned history. 338 00:21:56,360 --> 00:22:00,400 - If it doesn't rhyme, it can't be true. - Do you mean who killed him? 339 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:04,040 - Yes. - We don't really know. - Is it that moment? 340 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:07,120 Everybody tried, didn't say? There was a prostitute who tried. 341 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:11,880 I like the way Sandi led us into that. "Nobody knows, but I do, you fools!" 342 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:16,400 There's a man who's given credit for it, 343 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,760 who claimed to be responsible, who was Prince Felix Yusupov. 344 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,640 It seems that he wasn't personally responsible for it. 345 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,680 He claimed to have poisoned him 346 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,960 and the poison didn't work, then they shot him. 347 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:32,240 There's Grigor Rasputin. He was just plain shot in the forehead. 348 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:35,640 They tried to poison him and then he was shot and then he was drowned, 349 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:39,640 and then they got him out of the river and they decided to burn him, and my favourite bit, 350 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,360 which I'm sure is not true, is that he then sat up in the fire. 351 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:46,600 - He sat up? - It was all part of demonising this extraordinary man. 352 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,400 What was his importance to Russia? Why was he worth killing? 353 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:53,200 - Do you know anything about him? - He had the ear of the Tsarina. 354 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:58,120 - He had the ear of the Tsarina, exactly. - He had more than her ear! - There were rumours. 355 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,000 He certainly shagged a lot of women, 356 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:04,280 because he had a peculiar theological belief that the more you sinned the more holy you were, 357 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:07,200 which is rather handy. 358 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,240 He basically had the freedom of the palace, 359 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:12,280 and this was when Russia was about to join the First World War, 360 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:16,000 and he tried to persuade the Tsar and Tsarina not to go to war with Germany. 361 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:21,160 So one of the countries that had a great interest in the death of Rasputin was Britain. 362 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:25,600 Because we were at war with Germany, and we wanted at least half the German Army 363 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:29,040 to be occupied on the Eastern Front fighting the Russians. 364 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:33,200 - He doesn't look like a love machine. - It so happens the last bullet that went into the brain 365 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:37,240 of Rasputin was from a gun that came from an MI6 operative. 366 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:41,000 We don't know if it was a British plot. 367 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,880 But certainly it benefited Britain that Rasputin was killed, 368 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,480 because it kept Russia in the war for longer. 369 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,360 He must have had a good chat-up line, 370 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:51,800 cos if you saw him at a party you wouldn't think, "I bet he pulls by the end." 371 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:55,880 Anyway, the point was, Prince Yusupov arranged a party, 372 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,960 and he claimed in his autobiography that he gave cakes and drinks 373 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:01,400 to Rasputin which were filled with cyanide 374 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:05,480 and he didn't seem to move at all, and then they stabbed him 375 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,560 and then they shot him, and he got up again, 376 00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:09,400 so then they threw him in the river, 377 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,440 and they found when his body was exhumed that he has drowned. 378 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,280 An autopsy showed it just wasn't true. 379 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,880 If I was at a party and they were giving out cakes full of cyanide 380 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,600 and then they stabbed me, I would leave then. 381 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,600 I would make my excuses, no matter how rude it appeared, 382 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,360 before they got their gun out. 383 00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:27,320 I think I'd go, "Do you know what, I've got an early morning." 384 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,560 What about the durable Mike Malloy? Have you heard of him? 385 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:33,040 Now, he is a man who really wouldn't die. 386 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:37,520 This is a very extraordinary story. The durable Mike Malloy. 387 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:41,480 We're in the age of prohibition, and we're in New York City. 388 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:44,760 We've got a gang of criminals, 389 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:49,240 because anyone who runs a speakeasy is a criminal in prohibition, and they hit on a scam. 390 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,360 They thought, "We'll get some drunks, 391 00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:56,160 "we'll get them to sign life insurance forms to our benefit, 392 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:59,720 "and then we'll feed them so much alcohol that they'll die. 393 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:03,760 "And we'll get all the money." What can go wrong? 394 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:06,600 Had they never met Irish people before? 395 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,040 They were bankrupt! 396 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:11,560 They ran out of booze! 397 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:16,080 Owner Anthony Marino hatched this plan, got this Irishman, 398 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,800 he was Irish, they befriended him, 399 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:21,960 they plied him with free drinks, and they got him to sign 400 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:25,400 three different life insurance policies amounting to nearly 2,000, 401 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:26,840 a lot of money in those days. 402 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:31,520 After several weeks of free booze, they started to get a bit impatient, because he wasn't dying. 403 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:33,080 He kept singing the same songs! 404 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:37,880 God, he's doing that one again! 405 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,840 # Oh, Danny boy... # 406 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:42,600 "He seems tipsy." 407 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:46,000 They started adding antifreeze, he collapsed a bit, 408 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:47,960 but he kept coming back for more drink. 409 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:51,000 So they then gave him drinks that were filled with turpentine, 410 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:54,880 horse liniment, rat poison, rotten oysters in wood alcohol 411 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,680 and sardines mixed with carpet tacks. 412 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:04,920 - None of this had any effect. - "Thanks very much... I suppose if it's on the house!" 413 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:09,280 So next, they got him drunk, they stripped him naked - this is midwinter New York - 414 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:14,120 and they poured five gallons of cold water on him before dumping him on a snow bank. 415 00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:18,800 If you've ever been in New York, midwinter, it is seriously cold, gets to minus 20 degrees. 416 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:21,120 Why didn't they just shoot him? 417 00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:23,320 - I think a bullet hole might have been... - A giveaway. 418 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:26,520 I think naked on a mound of snow's quite a giveaway, isn't it? 419 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,800 He was drunk, having sex with a snowman(?) LAUGHTER 420 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,480 But, the police found him - he turned up the next day saying 421 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:36,360 "You'll never guess what happened, they found me in Central Park, on the snow, naked! 422 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:39,840 "They took me to a hostel and got me these nice new clothes." 423 00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:42,520 And so he carried on drinking. 424 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:46,400 They paid a cab driver 150 bucks to knock him over. 425 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:50,000 After two attempts, they left him sprawled in the road... 426 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:52,640 Awaiting news of his death, several weeks later 427 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:56,000 he came fresh out of hospital, turning up looking for a drink. 428 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:57,680 LAUGHTER 429 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,400 So finally they challenged him to a rigged drinking contest - 430 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:05,440 they got him really pissed, and then pushed a gas hose in his throat and gassed him to death. 431 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:06,600 - Awww... - So they cheated. 432 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:11,520 But a few months later - don't worry - they started squabbling amongst themselves, 433 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:13,960 and they all went down the river to Sing Sing 434 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:17,320 and got fried in the electric chair, the whole gang of them. 435 00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:23,880 When you said they put a gas hose in his mouth, and cheated... the audience went "Awww!" 436 00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:28,080 - But before that, when they were trying to kill the man... - LAUGHTER 437 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:32,440 - you were going, "Well, that just sounds like bloody good fun!" - LAUGHTER 438 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:34,360 "The gas hose - That's not playing straight." 439 00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:38,000 - Not cricket! - It's an interesting morality you're working with. 440 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,640 LAUGHTER 441 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,080 Take a good, hard look at yourselves. 442 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:45,240 Well, that's the story of "Durable" Mike Molloy. 443 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:47,920 A hero of his time, in some ways. 444 00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:50,120 - Did HE tell you that story? - No... - LAUGHTER 445 00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:52,520 And he's here tonight(!) LAUGHTER 446 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:55,120 Comes in, naked, full of gas... 447 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:58,200 IRISH ACCENT: "Oh, they didn't get me at all!" 448 00:27:58,200 --> 00:27:59,680 He's up there... 449 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,200 LAUGHTER 450 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:05,560 Now, how many things beginning with I are there in this picture...? 451 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:11,280 Oh, now...are we looking at insects? 452 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:13,520 We are, Alan, you're spot on. 453 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:18,720 - So...we don't know. - No, I think there's going to be like, a square metre of sky 454 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,800 and there's going to be... a hundred thousand insects. 455 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:25,080 - There's billions. Millions and millions... - We couldn't count it. 456 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:30,840 They take a square kilometre, and they use little entomological radars to see how many there are. 457 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:33,920 And high up in the air at all times, there are billions of insects... 458 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:38,040 So did they find this on the first Space Shuttle when they didn't have windscreen wipers... 459 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:39,520 LAUGHTER 460 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:45,200 Well, actually in the early days of flight, Lindbergh and various others started to do tests, and they put 461 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:49,080 sticky things on... Because they were thinking, "Why are there insects so high up?" 462 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:53,080 as we got to go higher and higher. And the record was they found a termite at 19,000 feet. 463 00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:54,720 - It was on an aeroplane. - No...! 464 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:56,480 LAUGHTER 465 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:03,440 30 million large insects, which is larger than a ladybird, were discovered by this radar. 466 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:07,680 But take into account smaller insects, aphids or parasitic wasps, 467 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:11,480 which outnumber the large ones by a factor of hundreds or so, 468 00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:15,280 you're talking about a serious quantity, it's like an insect belt 469 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:16,760 around the world. 470 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:19,640 So, how many insects do you eat a year? 471 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:21,560 Oh, not on purpose, you mean? 472 00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:23,080 Not on purpose. 473 00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:25,080 - Are you inhaling them all the time? - Yes. 474 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:28,920 - And then they get stopped by your systems. - There are a few myths on the internet - 475 00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:32,080 most people might eat eight spiders a year. 476 00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:36,360 The myth is, that when you're sleeping, spiders crawl into your mouth. 477 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,080 - Please, please, tell me that's not true. - It is not true. 478 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:40,400 LEE: No, it's hedgehogs. 479 00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:45,040 SANDI: That wouldn't be so bad, you'd know it was coming. 480 00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:47,920 There's an internet thing about it being a pound a year, 481 00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,320 which is overdoing it, but to give an example, 482 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:54,640 in the USA there are laws about how much insect matter 483 00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:57,240 can be sold in food. Right? So... 484 00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:00,840 the average jar of peanut butter is legally permitted 485 00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:05,000 to contain 30 insect fragments per 100 grams. 486 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:07,120 Well, that's what makes it crunchy. 487 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:08,760 And... 488 00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:11,720 Get the smooth stuff, there's nothing in it. 489 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:13,880 And one rodent hair. 490 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:15,160 SANDI: No! 491 00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:18,320 That's an allowable limit. 492 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:22,440 There's a weird thing on food safety where's there an amount of faeces allowed as well. 493 00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:24,600 - That's right. - Which is really distressing. 494 00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:29,160 Yes. Tomato juice is allowed to contain ten fly eggs, 495 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:31,240 or two maggots, 496 00:30:31,240 --> 00:30:34,760 from the drosophila fly per 500ml. 497 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:40,760 Ginger is allowed 3mg of mammalian excreta per 100g. 498 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:47,720 Um, fig paste is allowed to contain 13 or more insect heads per 100g. 499 00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:51,680 Ground marjoram, the kind you find in a spice jar, 500 00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:56,560 can contain 1,175 insect fragments per 10g. 501 00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:59,960 Pot Noodle, do what you like. 502 00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:05,320 The point is, there are allowable levels of tiny bits of insects in most food. 503 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:09,560 It wouldn't be pounds a year, but we have bits of insect inside us whether we like it or not. 504 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:13,560 You know when you get the ingredients on the side, people are obsessed by calories, 505 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:17,560 and what are the ingredients, does it have E numbers in? Is it fresh? 506 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:22,880 That whole thing. But they never write "tiny bit of shit in this." 507 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:24,960 I mean, not much! 508 00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:27,800 But your recommended daily allowance... 509 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:30,360 - of shit in this tomato juice. - "May contain crap." 510 00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:33,040 - Yeah, "may contain a bit of crap." - Now, eyes front, 511 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:34,840 I spy general ignorance up ahead. 512 00:31:34,840 --> 00:31:39,000 What can you tell me about the lifespan of this lobster? 513 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,440 BUZZER I don't know but look at the size of the fish he's just caught. 514 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:45,720 LAUGHTER 515 00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:50,320 APPLAUSE I don't think the fish was that big, he's just giving it all that. 516 00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:56,160 - In theory, a lobster can live forever. In theory. - It's not one of these, is it? 517 00:31:56,160 --> 00:32:00,520 Yes, it is. The point is, you can't tell the age of a lobster. 518 00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:04,240 FANFARE AND APPLAUSE 519 00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:11,120 - So you say you can't tell the age of a lobster? - No. 520 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:16,920 - They shed their actual... The whole skin comes off. - Did you say lobsters can live forever? 521 00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:22,760 In theory. The trouble is, we don't know, because they live so far down on the ocean's floor, 522 00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:27,240 there may be giant submarine-sized lobsters for all we know, but we've never seen them. 523 00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:32,840 Yes, and they have a special protease-type DNA enzyme called telomerase 524 00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:36,400 which basically replaces lost DNA during cell division, 525 00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:40,280 so that their cells remain young and pristine each time they divide. 526 00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:43,800 Unlike with us, where they just get flabbier and flabbier. 527 00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:50,320 The largest on record was caught off Nova Scotia in 1977. It was 3.5 foot long from tail to claw. 528 00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:55,280 - 3.5 foot? That's a lot smaller than a submarine. - Yes, it's a lot smaller than this studio. 529 00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:59,080 It's a lot smaller than many things, but the largest lobster ever caught. 530 00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:03,440 - LAUGHTER - Yeah, Lee! - Sandi did say they could be as big as a submarine. 531 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:06,400 - Sorry, I missed that bit. - That's all right. 532 00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:11,600 Just so you know, I didn't randomly say, "3.5 foot, I've got an interesting fact about 3.5 foot, 533 00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:17,600 "a lot smaller than a submarine. Back to you, Stephen. Beat that with your interesting facts!" 534 00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:22,000 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It was relevant to what she said. That would be a bonkers way to... 535 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:27,200 - I've got slightly too used to you saying rather stupid things. - LAUGHTER 536 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:31,680 - I apologise on bended knees. - You mean stupid things like 537 00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:35,600 lobsters can live forever and grow to the size of submarines? 538 00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:40,640 - What doesn't make sense in the picture is it shouldn't be red. - Why not? 539 00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:44,320 Because it's in the water, it should be black. Are they not only red... 540 00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:47,760 - SIREN BLARES - You thought it was dead. 541 00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:51,600 No. The vast majority of lobsters are a sort of darkish colour, 542 00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:56,440 with little bits of iridescent colours on them, but you can get red ones. 543 00:33:56,440 --> 00:34:01,240 - Have you ever seen a blue lobster? - I'm not falling for this again, Stephen. - Have you? 544 00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:05,440 - Er, I don't think I have seen one. - Would you like to see a blue lobster? - Oh, here we go. 545 00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:09,920 - Go on. Is it going to hurt? - There, have a look behind you and you'll see a nice blue lobster. 546 00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:13,080 Look at that. Every now and again you get a really blue lobster. 547 00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,000 I just think BP have got a lot to answer for. LAUGHTER 548 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:19,480 - It looks like it's been sprayed by a vandal. - It does look like it. 549 00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:22,760 But Sandi was right about it detaching itself from its old shell. 550 00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:26,320 It does that 25 times in the first five years of its life. 551 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:31,360 And each time it does, it grows by 50 percent. But it's a really odd business and quite dangerous. 552 00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,600 It has to detach itself from its old shell. 553 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:37,880 It has teeth inside its stomach and they're part of the exoskeleton 554 00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:41,640 so the lobster has to pull out the lining of its throat, stomach and anus 555 00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:47,720 - every time it gets rid of its shell. - I've had hangovers where I've felt like that. 556 00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:50,320 LAUGHTER Ohh! 557 00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:55,080 They also, rather like the people of Doncaster, communicate with each other by urinating. 558 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:58,000 LAUGHTER 559 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:03,880 - Hang on, why Doncaster? - I was there with a TV crew on Friday night and there was a lot of weeing. 560 00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:08,680 - You should have been at Wembley at a cup final. - It was horrible on the terrace when it used to... 561 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:13,480 - It used to rush down the terraces. - You know how they get the Champagne glasses and do that? 562 00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:17,840 - Yes. Exactly. - That's where they got the idea from. All bubbling at the bottom. 563 00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:20,960 In America, you can buy a Stadium Pal. A Stadium Pal. 564 00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:25,680 - This is a little thing you can pee in. - It's a thing you attach to yourself and it goes in a bottle. 565 00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:30,720 And they've developed one for women, but it looks a bit more like a gravy boat. I'm not sure. 566 00:35:30,720 --> 00:35:36,440 - Now with wings! - That would be good for long journeys in the car, too. 567 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:39,800 - There is a thing you can pee into in the car. - You pee in a bag. - Yeah. 568 00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:42,840 You can pee in a bag anyway, no-one's stopping you. 569 00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:47,600 If you're not allowed to use a mobile phone in a car, you're not allowed to urinate in a bag. 570 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:51,040 - You pull over. - If you pull over, why don't you go in a tree? 571 00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:53,600 - Go in a tree? - In a tree. 572 00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:57,840 Not in a tree, against a tree. I don't mean carry a woodpecker with you at all times. 573 00:35:57,840 --> 00:36:01,680 "Tap a hole in there for us!" LAUGHTER 574 00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:04,880 "Fill it in and on your way!" 575 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:06,720 I really need to pee now. 576 00:36:06,720 --> 00:36:11,240 Oh...not long. You always... Why do you always need a pee? 577 00:36:11,240 --> 00:36:14,760 I drink loads of coffee, pints of coffee. I run on caffeine. 578 00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:18,120 - OK, let's get on. Anyone have to pee? - Want that? 579 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:21,160 Don't do that to him, that's cruel. 580 00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:23,200 APPLAUSE 581 00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:24,760 Which side is it? 582 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:28,440 - He can't tell! - Which side? 583 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:30,800 Get it the right way round, for God's sake. 584 00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:33,200 It'll be like Wembley again. 585 00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:38,400 - Don't you dare! - You know, I never thought I'd see... - Shh, shh! 586 00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:42,880 - You're making it come back. - Never thought I'd see Einstein in that position. 587 00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:46,040 Not so clever now, are you? Yeah. 588 00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:49,800 Suddenly it's...P = MC squared! 589 00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:51,560 CHEERING 590 00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:54,520 So, the fact is, it's impossible to age a lobster. 591 00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:58,240 What would they have called this shop in the olden days? 592 00:36:58,240 --> 00:37:03,480 Well, I'm guessing not an old pork pie shop? That's a bit too easy. 593 00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:06,720 - How do you pronounce it, you mean? - How do you pronounce it? 594 00:37:06,720 --> 00:37:10,600 - BUZZER - Lee? - "Yee Old Pork Pie Shopp-ee." 595 00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:14,160 - SIREN BLARES - Oh, no! 596 00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:17,560 - It's... That's not pronounced "Yee." - OK. 597 00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:20,120 - It's pronounced... - BUZZER - Yeah? - "Yey!" - No. 598 00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:23,720 - Old porkie pie shop. - No, you said it. - It's "the". - Why is it "the"? 599 00:37:23,720 --> 00:37:28,560 - It's the way they wrote it down, isn't it? - It's because it's not a Y. It looks like a Y, 600 00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:33,720 and they used Ys when printing came in. It's an Old English letter from Anglo-Saxon called the thorn, 601 00:37:33,720 --> 00:37:36,240 which is the letter for a "th", like a Greek theta. 602 00:37:36,240 --> 00:37:40,080 When printing came in, a lot of them didn't bother making a separate thorn, 603 00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:42,520 they used the Y cos it was so similar, 604 00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:45,360 so when they were writing "the", they would put a Y in. 605 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:51,200 But they knew to pronounce it "the", and that, much as we do in texts and tweets these days, 606 00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:57,440 it's been very common for human beings to abbreviate, and they abbreviated "that", to "yt", th't. 607 00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:03,200 Whenever you see in old churches "ye this" or "ye that" or you see "ye olde" it's actually "the". 608 00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:07,000 - What about "Old-ee"? - You don't pronounce the silent "e" on it. - "Shopp-ee"? 609 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:12,560 - Or "Shoppe". - I haven't got one word right. Here we go, I've got one. Pie? - Yes! 610 00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:16,520 - Spot on! - Get in! Now, how do you say that tricky one in the middle? 611 00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:21,240 How northern is that? If someone's just flicked onto this show, and said, "Oh, Lee Mack's on." 612 00:38:21,240 --> 00:38:24,960 And you go, "Pie!" and there's a round of applause. LAUGHTER 613 00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:28,080 - In which war did both sides fight under the Union Jack? - BUZZER 614 00:38:28,080 --> 00:38:30,600 Ye Second World War. 615 00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:33,440 Both sides fought under the Union... What, the Germans? 616 00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:37,480 I wanted to get a gag in about "ye", I can't think of any other wars, 617 00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:40,880 I just... I panicked. I panicked after the "ye". 618 00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:45,200 Cos what's happened, I've said "ye", it hasn't got a laugh, I have to back it up with a fact, 619 00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:48,200 I've gone in, worst possible war. Everything about it - 620 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,640 the joke was wrong, the story is inaccurate, 621 00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:53,160 everything about that was totally terrible. 622 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:55,360 The explanation was brilliant, I have to say. 623 00:38:55,360 --> 00:39:00,120 - Which war is most likely to involve both sides? - English Civil War. 624 00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:04,120 - SIREN WAILS American Civil War. - No. 625 00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:07,440 It hadn't come into existence as a flag by then. 626 00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:12,280 - Is it... - The American War Of Independence is the right answer. 627 00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:15,320 Because the British flew the Union Jack, Union Flag as it was then known. 628 00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:18,160 And George Washington designed the Stars And Stripes 629 00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:21,920 and, in fact, the canton - the important quarter of the flag - was the Union Jack. 630 00:39:21,920 --> 00:39:27,480 So you can see an example of an early American Union Flag with the Union Jack in its corner. 631 00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:32,280 - The stripes... The stars - Betsy Ross hadn't made that yet. - That's right. 632 00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:36,200 There is one state in America that has a Union Jack still in its state flag. 633 00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:41,040 - Do you know which state that is? - I would say...Alaska. 634 00:39:41,040 --> 00:39:42,680 Who are you going to ask? Sandi? 635 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:45,000 - CHEERING - Hey-hey! Erm... 636 00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,400 I don't know, but I would guess Virginia. 637 00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:50,640 - No, it's not. It's actually Hawaii. - Oh, is it? 638 00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:53,160 - Hawaii has a Union Jack in the state flag. - Ooh! 639 00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:55,960 What went up by 57% during the Blitz? 640 00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:58,200 - BUZZER - Yeah? 641 00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:01,760 House prices? LAUGHTER 642 00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:05,520 - They might, but no. - Was it Mother Brown's knees? 643 00:40:05,520 --> 00:40:12,320 - By 57 %? - They were always up listening to the Cockneys during the Blitz. Always up. 644 00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:16,560 - The birth rate? - No. - Grave robbing? - Crime. 645 00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:22,120 - Oh! - Crime went up a huge amount during the Blitz. - Sorry, do you count crime as dropping bombs? 646 00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:26,520 Because if that is listed as a crime, there was a lot of that going on. 647 00:40:26,520 --> 00:40:31,840 It's not a crime, in acts of war, to do that, unfortunately. But I'm talking about Londoners' crime. 648 00:40:31,840 --> 00:40:34,120 Mad Frankie Fraser actually said, 649 00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:37,080 "It was a tragedy when Hitler surrendered, 650 00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:40,240 "because wartime London was a criminal's paradise." 651 00:40:40,240 --> 00:40:41,680 That's the way he put it. 652 00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:46,280 All you had to do was get an ARP Warden, you know, like Hodges in Dad's Army, 653 00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:51,480 "Napoleon!", all that. You put one of those on and people just obey you, and a tin hat with a "W" on it. 654 00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:55,800 And people would actually help them load their cars with stuff they'd stolen. 655 00:40:55,800 --> 00:41:00,480 "Here, come here! Help me load this car!" They'd go, "Ooh, yes," because you were a warden. 656 00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:04,840 - Are you suggesting that's what the Queen Mother was doing in the East End? - No! 657 00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:10,200 - My granddad was one of those, an ARP warden. - Was he? - Well, he says that. - Oh, I'm sure he was. 658 00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:14,640 - So was it mainly looting? - There was looting, there was also scams. 659 00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:19,640 There was one fellow called Handy who made a claim for his house being bombed - for which you got £500 - 660 00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:22,240 19 times... 661 00:41:22,240 --> 00:41:23,960 before they caught onto him. 662 00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:27,640 And ordinary people were also committing crimes through ration books. 663 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:31,760 People who didn't think of themselves as criminals were black-marketeering, 664 00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:37,320 or involving themselves in the black market. Generally speaking, it was a very good time to be a criminal, 665 00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:42,800 because the police and everybody were concerned with bombs falling on houses and incendiary bombs. 666 00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:48,240 Is there truth in... I read a thing about... A house would be bombed and the people would be dead, 667 00:41:48,240 --> 00:41:50,680 - people would come and steal watches... - Oh, yes. 668 00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:56,440 - It's really grizzly. - I'm afraid it is. We think of it as our finest hour and of the Blitz spirit. 669 00:41:56,440 --> 00:42:01,760 Unfortunately, there's another side to it. There was a huge amount of bravery and camaraderie 670 00:42:01,760 --> 00:42:05,600 and communal spirit and so on, but there was also, sadly, the darker side. 671 00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:08,760 Now, I spy with my little eye, the scores, 672 00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:10,480 and how interesting they are. 673 00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:13,600 In first place, by really quite a long way, 674 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:18,160 - is Sandi Toksvig with 12 points! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 675 00:42:21,040 --> 00:42:25,960 And in second place, with minus four, Jimmy Carr! 676 00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,440 APPLAUSE Oh! Very happy with that. 677 00:42:30,400 --> 00:42:33,880 Only just in third place, with minus five, Lee Mack! 678 00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:38,240 APPLAUSE I'll take that - third. Best I've done. 679 00:42:38,240 --> 00:42:45,240 And a proud fourth place with double-I, minus 11, is Alan Davies! 680 00:42:45,240 --> 00:42:48,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 681 00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:54,640 So, it's thanks to Sandi, Jimmy, Lee and Alan. 682 00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:59,680 And as Yogi Berra said, "You can observe a lot by watching." Goodnight. 683 00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:08,480 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 684 00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:12,520 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk