1 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:37,400 Hello. Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 3 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:40,160 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 4 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:44,600 This is Captain Fry speaking in, I hope, a very reassuring tone, 5 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:49,440 welcoming you aboard this QI international, around-the-world trip. 6 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:53,480 We have an impressive roster of VIP passengers on board with us tonight. 7 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:56,320 International man of mystery Jack Dee. 8 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,360 APPLAUSE 9 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,640 Global phenomenon Bill Bailey. 10 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:06,320 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:11,000 Seasoned world traveller David Mitchell. 12 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,480 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:19,440 And from another planet entirely, Alan Davies. 14 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:22,400 APPLAUSE 15 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:33,080 And gentlemen, if at any time you wish to get my attention, don't hesitate to use your call buttons. 16 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,000 Jack goes... 17 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,400 'Icelandair to Inverness, Gate B.' 18 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,040 LAUGHTER 19 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,040 Bill goes... 20 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:44,160 'Iran Air to Istanbul, last call.' 21 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,280 David goes... 22 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,040 'Air India to Islamabad now closing.' 23 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,840 And Alan goes... 24 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,680 'Unexpected item in the bagging area.' 25 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:59,000 - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Very good. - Oh, yeah. 26 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:07,680 Good. If you make sure that all your seats are in an upright position, we are cleared for take-off. 27 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,720 Don't forget that this year we are celebrating our ignorance 28 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,520 with the Nobody Knows Round. 29 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,680 FANFARE 'Nobody knows.' 30 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:20,680 If you think that nobody knows the answer to that question, 31 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:24,960 then you can wave your "nobody" and you get a big bonus. 32 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:29,280 But if you wave it and you're wrong, you get a bit of an old forfeit. 33 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:33,240 What are the points that you can gain by using it correctly? 34 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:39,120 I think we all agree that nobody in this universe understands QI's scoring system. 35 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:45,560 So, by that logic, were we to raise the subject of the scoring system and I was to do that, then... 36 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,280 A-ha! 37 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:51,480 - APPLAUSE - Nobody knows. - Nobody knows. 38 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:57,160 - He's made a very good point. - It's a good point. 39 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,440 I suppose I'm trapped in an infinite loop. 40 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:02,360 - Yes. Fortunately, that isn't one of the questions. - Ah. 41 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:06,920 If it were, in the hypothetical round, a question, "What is the QI scoring system?", 42 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:11,200 and nobody knows, what would happen to the person that DOES the QI scoring? 43 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,160 Would they not then feel rather sad? 44 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:18,440 - They would. - They, at least, presumably, are sitting there THINKING that they know. 45 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:23,280 His name's Colin. He is brilliant. He works for Lumina, the scoring-system people, 46 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:27,080 and HE knows what he's doing. But it is a bit of a puzzle to the rest of the world. 47 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:32,720 - There's a company out there responsible for the scoring system on this programme? - That's right. 48 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:36,360 For nine years we've used them, and I think they've served us proud. 49 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:39,520 - What happened before then? - Served themselves! 50 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:44,080 - They must be laughing all the way. - What a good scam, Colin! 51 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,800 I think they also do Pointless and Eggheads, 52 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,400 and other things like that. 53 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:53,160 - I think they reserve a lot of their creativity for this show, don't they? - Yes, I know! 54 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:57,880 - I wonder what the score is now. - Yes, the score now... 55 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:02,000 - Amazingly, Bill has three and everyone else has zero. - APPLAUSE 56 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,040 Why three? 57 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:14,640 I either thought one or ten, but three? 58 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:19,320 - How could you divide your contribution by three? - Better than you, you, you. Three! 59 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,840 APPLAUSE 60 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,600 Let's get going, shall we? 61 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:30,960 Now, if by some terrible, terrible concatenation of circumstances, 62 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:35,680 both my co-pilot and I on this flight are suddenly taken ill, 63 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,280 how would you land this plane? 64 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:40,600 Can't they just land themselves? 65 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:45,040 I'd stop reading the Kindle on the steering wheel and concentrate. 66 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,480 LAUGHTER 67 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:51,480 That would be a wise start, yes. 68 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:58,240 - Don't you radio the...? The co-pilot is slumped normally in these situations. - Someone talks you in. 69 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:02,080 - Somebody talks you in? - That's what happens in the movies. 70 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:08,560 - Robert Duvall would probably be good. That's who I'd ring. - Or Lloyd Bridges in the case of Airplane. 71 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:13,640 - Perfect choice. - Presumably, there are legal problems with someone talking you down 72 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:19,240 because you could sue if it was interpreted by your relatives that you were given bad advice. 73 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:24,800 So probably these days, the air traffic controller would refuse to give advice and say, 74 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:28,200 "We're not covered for my saying something..." 75 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:34,080 You'd have to sign a waiver and text it to them, then insurance would cover you to be talked down. 76 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:40,400 It is a minefield. Extraordinarily, and happily, it has never occurred in commercial airline travel history 77 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:46,720 that someone has gone, "Can anyone fly this plane because the pilot and co-pilot are ill or dead?" 78 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:50,560 It's never happened, but it would be fraught with difficulty. 79 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,000 They have tried various simulations. 80 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:59,200 For example, those with American civil private pilot licences in America who can fly light planes 81 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,400 were invited on to simulators of big jets. 82 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:07,280 One of them couldn't even operate the seat that moved him towards the control. 83 00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:13,320 Another one turned the radio off. Another one turned off the autopilot and instantly crashed the plane. 84 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:16,080 The fact is it's incredibly difficult. 85 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:21,840 Stephen, am I allowed to say that in your uniform how incredibly unlike a pilot you look? 86 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,160 So what do I look like instead? 87 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:26,240 Be brutal, be frank. 88 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:29,720 I think you'd be the chap who calls himself the bursar. 89 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:34,360 He's got a big leather wallet and takes money for duty-free. 90 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,520 Yeah, CALLS himself the bursar. 91 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:41,240 - He calls himself the bursar? - Yes, I think he does. - Or the purser? 92 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:45,320 - The bursar is the one that does the money for... - Public schools. - Yeah. 93 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,880 What kind of plane is he flying on? 94 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:49,600 LAUGHTER 95 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:54,560 "The bursar will be collecting money for the end-of-term jamboree." 96 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,120 "Here on Charterhouse Air..." 97 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:01,760 The bursar with the trolley and then, with the drinks, the groundsman. 98 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:08,400 Anyway, the fact is it's fraught with difficulty. The first problem is simply getting into the cockpit 99 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,720 because since 9/11, of course, cockpits are locked. 100 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:17,760 If the pilot and co-pilot were too ill to be able to fly, they may be too ill to let you into the cockpit. 101 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:21,320 - Do they have a secret knock? - That's a lovely thought. 102 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:27,360 - When they give them their lunch, they have to get in. - Yes. - So they must have a coded knock or something? 103 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,600 Like... "It's me. 104 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,880 "I've got your... 105 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,920 "I've got your lunch." 106 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:37,680 Something like that. They go, "It must be the lunch." 107 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:42,800 Yes, it must be Deirdre with the lunch. The lunches. Why do I say "lunches"? 108 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:46,880 - Because there's more than one. - But why is there more...? 109 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 110 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:57,400 - You are accruing points at a fantastic rate. - I tell you what... 111 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:01,360 - Why is there more than one lunch? - They have to eat different meals. 112 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:07,600 - Yes, the pilot and the co-pilot must eat different meals. - In case one of them gets botulism? - Exactly. 113 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:13,320 If one is by accident poisoned. And in extra long-haul flights, there are three pilots, not two. 114 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:17,400 So you can't get into the cockpit, it's very dangerous, never been done. 115 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:23,840 If it was on autopilot, you'd be able to fly level, but once you got into the landing situation, 116 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:29,960 yes, the film scenario would take over whereby you'd be told how to operate the flaps and at what speed, 117 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:35,960 but there are so many variables in terms of glide paths and vertical and horizontal axes and so on, 118 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,800 it is extraordinarily difficult. There is an auto-land system. 119 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:45,360 There's no way of flying it remotely from the ground? Just somebody with a Wii or something. 120 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,440 - I don't know. - Maybe one day. 121 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,040 Someone comes in the room. "What? Oh!" 122 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,840 LAUGHTER 123 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,120 It's a horrifying thought, 124 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:02,520 but fortunately it never has yet happened in major commercial air travel. 125 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:08,440 They say the chances are one in ten if it was an intelligent person and the plane was on autopilot, 126 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:14,760 - they could be talked down, there is a one in ten chance the plane would survive the landing. - Right. 127 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:19,760 - If it was not on autopilot, probably one in 100. - This is not reassuring. 128 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,360 There are 400,000 people in the air at any given time. 129 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:26,680 - Is that right? - Yeah. - That's fabulous. Wow! 130 00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:29,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 131 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,360 Very good! 132 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:38,440 There is no question that trampolining is a very popular sport. 133 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:43,000 - Yes! It sounded really plausible. - I heard it once in a pub or something. 134 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:50,640 There are points if you can give me, within five years, when the autopilot was invented. 135 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,480 1965. 136 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,320 1965 we've got there. 137 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:00,240 - 1970. - 1970. 138 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,840 '77 to coincide with the Jubilee. 139 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:06,240 I'm going to go for 1945. 140 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:10,080 You're the closest, but you're still miles away. It's 1914. 141 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:16,480 The first autopilot was used at the Paris Air Show. An American invented it. They were a huge success. 142 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:20,640 They had a big rubber band on the joystick. "Look, no hands! 143 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,800 "It's flying itself!" 144 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:27,000 The gyroscope got so popular they would have the pilots standing on the wings. 145 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:33,960 - We've got a picture showing you how impressive it could be. - People were just crazy in those days. 146 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:40,120 That's when people went over Niagara Falls in a barrel. They were mental! 147 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:43,000 Those were the days of the barnstormers. 148 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,400 You wouldn't want to be ball boy. 149 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:49,880 But it's a surprisingly ancient invention. It was the early days... 150 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:54,360 That's almost before aeroplanes were invented. He probably had this thing in his shed, 151 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:59,800 - hoping something would be invented he could apply it to. - It was a gyroscopic corrective mechanism. 152 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:05,680 Is the modern autopilot still recognisably the same system? 153 00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:12,240 - No, it's more complicated. - It's not a gyroscope where you put string in and wind it round to get it going? 154 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:18,280 One of the worrying things about the autopilot is it's on for most of the time you're in the plane. 155 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:23,600 They switch it off just before they land. They switch it off just as they take off... 156 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:28,640 They watch the telly, then now and again they go to that channel where the map is 157 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:32,080 to make sure they're heading in the right direction. 158 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:35,200 Then they put Michelle Pfeiffer back on. 159 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:40,320 There are long flights, but where is the shortest commercial flight? Do you know? 160 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:42,920 Oh, Bill! 161 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:47,760 I think I might know this. I don't know. I'll try it. I'll go out on a limb. 162 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,960 Is it the Orkney Isles? 163 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,440 - Yes! - Is it? - Yes! 164 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,680 - APPLAUSE - Oh, Bill, well done! 165 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:02,280 - How many points? - There's another 4.5 points(!) 166 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:07,000 - Yeah. - It's between... - 27 and a half, I think you'll find. 167 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:10,040 - It's between Westray and Westray Papa. - Yeah. 168 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:16,080 It's usually done in around two minutes, though the record is 58 seconds from take-off to landing. 169 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:19,600 Do you think people go, "I hope it's a quick one today?" 170 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:23,640 The distance is shorter than the runway of Edinburgh Airport. 171 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:28,400 Do they just take off, throw peanuts at you and then land? 172 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,960 Run up to you and rush back again. 173 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:35,960 But the most bizarre thing about it is a return ticket is £39. 174 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:39,160 - It's not cheap. - Why don't they build a bridge? 175 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:45,120 - I'm assuming there is some sort of gorge to be got over. - I assume there is too. 176 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:50,160 You get a certificate and a miniature of Highland Park whisky for doing the flight, 177 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:55,600 so maybe people just get off on the idea of doing the shortest flight in the world. 178 00:12:55,600 --> 00:13:00,080 The sea's quite choppy round there, so it's quite difficult... 179 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:05,440 It is a bit like that. They just do the exits and... "Oh, here we are." 180 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,520 Well, there we are. 181 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:14,240 Ladies and gentlemen, we've arrived at our first destination, which is India. 182 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:19,080 Which of these two gentlemen is going to make the better policeman? 183 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:23,840 One of them has seen the camera and is about to arrest the photographer. 184 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:28,320 That seems to be what policemen do nowadays, so I'll go with that one. 185 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:32,360 - Interesting. - And he's got a Biro. - Yeah, the one with the pen. 186 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:38,280 Writing notes down. The other one seems to be more concerned with how he looks. 187 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:43,320 He's smiling, chatting away. The other one's a bit more sober, more professional. 188 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,960 I think it's the guy in white behind them. 189 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,800 He's plain-clothes. He's mingling in. 190 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,320 You've missed the one detail that the state of Madhya Pradesh 191 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:59,240 will pay policemen an extra 30 rupees a month to grow a moustache. 192 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:03,360 - Really? - They consider that policemen are better in all kinds of ways. 193 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:09,400 They're less intimidating, they work better with the community, they're more respected by the public. 194 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:13,480 - They're extraordinary... - The human race never ceases to disappoint. 195 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:17,640 It's not just India. The British had weird ideas about moustaches. 196 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:23,560 In India, they're considered a sign of virility, but at the moment there's a north-south divide. 197 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:27,920 In the north of India, it's rarer to have moustaches because in Bollywood 198 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:32,320 and the cricket team, the great heroes tend not to have moustaches, 199 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:37,440 but in Tamil cinema, everybody has a moustache and that is just considered... 200 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:40,960 It's Steve Wright in the Afternoon, isn't it? 201 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,800 I've never trusted a moustache. I'm completely the other way. 202 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:48,200 That's interesting because in the British Army from 1860 203 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:52,040 it was a regulation that every soldier had to have a moustache. 204 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:58,160 You could be imprisoned for shaving your upper lip, right up until the First World War, 205 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:02,640 - then you had the option of shaving off your moustache. - Why? 206 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,360 Why suddenly in the First World War? 207 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:09,400 "We're fighting total war. The moustache, that was ridiculous." 208 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:15,800 Surely, if they think...if we need moustaches, we need them more than ever now. It should be beards. 209 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,840 They give you a certain... Don't they? 210 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:22,520 - Yeah? Yeah? - APPLAUSE 211 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:24,520 I think so. 212 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:28,640 But this "beh-h-h" sort of moustache is... 213 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,000 APPLAUSE 214 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:35,040 Thank you. It's going to win a war, isn't it? 215 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:40,600 But as you can see there, that's typical British soldiers, all of them with moustaches. 216 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:46,240 I'm just imagining that that moustache is going to have its own website by the end of this. 217 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:51,520 How long do you imagine the longest moustache in the world might be? 218 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,440 24 feet. 219 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:57,040 - Well, that's a little bit too much. - OK. 12. 220 00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:01,680 - It's 14 feet. There it is. It's pretty impressive, isn't it? - Wow. 221 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:05,200 - This man makes a living out of it. - LAUGHTER 222 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:10,480 He was in the film Octopussy. I don't know what he did with his moustache... 223 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,960 - But it's pretty impressive. - Do you distrust him? 224 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,000 Deeply. 225 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:20,400 If he turned up to do a bit of woodwork in the house 226 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:24,640 and he just... "I'll measure 14 feet." 227 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,760 APPLAUSE 228 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,000 I'd naturally... 229 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:37,560 - You wouldn't want to stand at a urinal. - Oh... 230 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:41,520 - Oh, dear. - Trailing it around on the floor? 231 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,960 He's wringing them out! 232 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,280 LAUGHTER 233 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:49,680 - Did... When you were children, did you have Action Men toys? - Yes. 234 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:54,760 If I was to show you a picture of an Action Man toy, what could you tell me about this particular one? 235 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:56,680 - Oh, Lord! - That's the adventurer. 236 00:16:56,680 --> 00:17:00,360 Well, the adventurer just had a polo neck and jeans and boots. 237 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,240 He seemed to be kind of a one-man band. 238 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,880 - Yes, but this one is a member of an armed service. - Well, he'll be in the Navy. 239 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:09,960 Exactly, because it's only in the Navy that you're allowed to grow a beard. 240 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:13,800 Yes, yes. And there are three jolly Jack Tars. 241 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:18,480 In the Disney Corporation, none of the staff can have facial hair. 242 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,760 - Really? In Disney? - Or earrings or anything. 243 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:26,040 There was a rather good story about Disney some years ago. 244 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:30,200 There was a furious e-mail sent out by the head of human resources, or whatever, 245 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,600 to all Disney employees, and said, 246 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:38,280 "The Disney Corporation takes strong exception to the use by some employees 247 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:44,120 "of the phrase 'Mauschwitz' to describe the Disney Corporation. 248 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:50,800 - "If it is used again, anyone using it will be summarily fired." - Shot! 249 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:56,640 Within half an hour, they were using the phrase "Duckau". 250 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,160 - I think it's very pleasing, isn't it? - APPLAUSE 251 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:09,600 It's interesting they didn't, in any way, see the irony of the fact people had been using a term - 252 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:12,680 a sort of fascist term - to refer to refer to their organisation. 253 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:17,800 - "Well, we'll put a stop to this!" - Yes, I know! Exactly. Exactly! 254 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:22,480 You might like to see a picture of some interesting moustaches there. 255 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:27,680 And I have actually... I have what you might call moustachabilia. 256 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:32,320 These are real things used by people with moustaches. 257 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:37,640 This is simply to drink. It's a silver, beautifully made thing you put in a cup 258 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:41,360 so that you can sip through here without... 259 00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:46,320 - Without staining your moustache. - Keeps it out of it. - Nice and dry. 260 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:50,760 With soup, you'd want a soup spoon. You just sip through that part. 261 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:54,800 So you take your soup like so and you just...like that. 262 00:18:54,800 --> 00:19:00,600 Again, I keep my moustache nice and dry. What else have I got here? 263 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:05,080 They hadn't invented the straw at this point? 264 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:12,160 Albert Finney had this in Murder On The Orient Express. At night this went round your ears. 265 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,480 Like that. Look at that. 266 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:18,160 LAUGHTER Wh-What's that for, though? 267 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:23,920 - You say you want to keep your moustache. Keep it from what? - Escaping! 268 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,840 APPLAUSE 269 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,840 Wild creatures of the night? I don't know. 270 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:40,440 - People might come and nibble at it. - There's a slight air of gimp about it. - There is! 271 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:45,880 - Isn't there? - The odd thing is that people using that spoon and drink cover 272 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:52,320 are people who don't want to look stupid. "I don't want to look like a complete arse, 273 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:59,160 - "so excuse me while I get out all my paraphernalia." - It is true, what you are saying. 274 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:03,560 Oh, dear. I'm going to take my moustache off now, cos it's causing me rather a lot of pain. 275 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:08,200 Mm. Now, this is a question inspired by the International Brigade, 276 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:13,240 who fought - as I'm sure you know - on the republican side in the Spanish Civil War. 277 00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:15,560 Which of these is the odd one out? 278 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:23,200 - Machine gun. - Machine gun. - A tomato. - It's a Vickers. - Vickers? 279 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,960 You asked which one is the odd one out. They ALL are! 280 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:30,240 They're all the odd one out! They kind of are, aren't they? 281 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:33,160 Well, there is a misapprehension about jellyfish. 282 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:37,720 - If you're stung by a jellyfish, what are you supposed to do? - Wee on it. - Yes. The odd thing is, 283 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:42,640 the jellyfish is the odd one out cos it's the only one you're NOT supposed to wee on. 284 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,680 - You're supposed to wee on a tomato? - Yes. 285 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:50,080 Weeing on tomatoes is good, and weeing on machine... 286 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:53,520 - DAVID: I've never been stung by a tomato. - Not for that reason. 287 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:58,600 If they'd known about the weeing in the First World War, it could've saved a lot of casualties! 288 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,960 Well, it DID, actually. They did use them. 289 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,120 After the first wave on the Somme, 290 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,800 everyone's following with their cocks out? 291 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:11,360 It's not quite like that. There's a little more to it, David. 292 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,200 To get rid of the jellyfish first, 293 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,880 it's a fallacy to suggest that you should pee on a jellyfish sting. 294 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:20,440 The best thing you can do is sea water, which is likely to be around anyway. 295 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:22,560 Sometimes, acid is better than... 296 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,840 But you can't be sure unless you know the species. 297 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:28,840 But just leave it alone, and use sea water. Tomatoes? 298 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:32,280 Well, the fact is, the world is running out of phosphorus, 299 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:36,160 and human urine is an extremely good fertiliser for tomatoes. 300 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,600 When you said "urinate on tomatoes", 301 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:41,120 I thought you meant instead of salad dressing. 302 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,240 I agree - it was a laxly phrased question. 303 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:51,440 We're quite happy to use animal manure in order to grow things and know that they grow well. 304 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,480 I know. That's weird, isn't it? That's because I think we find - 305 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:57,640 and this may be a function of our own self loathing. 306 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:03,280 - We find our own excrement more disgusting than that of other creatures. - Speak for yourself! 307 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:12,040 - What about the wee and the gun, though? Why is... - Now, the gun... 308 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:15,920 - Now, what is the issue with machine guns? - They kill you dead. 309 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,720 Dead, Stephen, dead. 310 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:22,480 - As a... We have here... - A gun?! 311 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:26,840 We have a gentleman from the Royal Armouries - welcome. 312 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 313 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:37,040 - Thank you very much. - He's not going to wee on it, is he?! 314 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,280 We did ask if he would - he declined. 315 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,800 He's left it unattended. Come on! 316 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:46,080 It's a mark one Vickers, 1917 model, as used in the First World War. 317 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,800 Used by the British Army all the way up to the Korean War. 318 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:52,360 A very, very popular form, but the main problem for the operator 319 00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:57,280 - aside from them getting jammed occasionally - was overheating. So they had a jacket, 320 00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:59,720 - and they were water cooled. - Oh, OK. 321 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:03,720 But very often, of course, you were fighting in places where there was no water. 322 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:07,000 There's a jerry can - that's not where the water comes from. 323 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,200 The water is poured into a hole in the top, 324 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:13,960 and then it condenses and collects in the jerry can. You then reuse it. 325 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:17,480 But in the Spanish Civil War, the phrase "pass the piss" was used, 326 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:19,640 and they would actually fill up jerry cans 327 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,600 and use human urine to cool down the guns. 328 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,920 It was the only way of doing it - there was no water. 329 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:29,120 - Oh, I see. - Must have been horrible in the trenches - 330 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:34,720 - not only the risk of being shot, but then, later, a very nasty cup of tea. - Yes! 331 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:37,120 "Which jerry can did you use for the...?" 332 00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:40,360 Actually, Robert Graves, in his great novel Goodbye To All That, 333 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:44,520 claims they used to make tea from the water used in the machine guns. 334 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:48,760 - Yeah, yeah. Very unpleasant. - But that's not necessarily... - Pee water. 335 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:53,560 There's no shortage of water in eastern France. 336 00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:59,080 No, hence I was saying it was the International Brigade, in particular - the drier parts of La Mancha. 337 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:01,720 They probably made sangria out of it. 338 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,560 The Russians actually made a gun with a hole in which to pee, 339 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,640 they were so used to the idea that peeing into it would help. 340 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:11,000 They gave a little peehole so you could pee straight into the gun. 341 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,880 So you could pee and...while you're firing the gun. 342 00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:15,360 I don't think... 343 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:21,680 Oh! Oh, that's good. Oh! 344 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:23,520 Oh, I needed that. 345 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,600 What a relief! 346 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,400 Well, there you are. That's really the answer, I suppose. 347 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:37,640 The jellyfish is the odd one out, because it's the only one that isn't improved by being widdled upon. 348 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:43,520 Maybe we can ask our lovely Royal Armouries friend to wheel away his Vickers now. Thank you very much. 349 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:55,080 Now, what was Italy's biggest export in the year 1953? 350 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:58,200 Er...frozen urine. 351 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:01,640 KLAXONS WAIL 352 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:09,320 - Urine? - Yes, urine. We know you, Bill Bailey. 353 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:10,960 Would it be dried pasta? 354 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:13,600 - KLAXON WAILS - Ooh, I'm sorry. 355 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:19,640 It came from a place called Castelfidardo, and it's an object. 356 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:24,160 - It had thousands of parts but a very complex mechanism. - Jigsaw. Jigsaw! 357 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,720 In 1954, they were overtaken by Fiat, 358 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:32,240 who then were the biggest exporter from Italy with their cars, 359 00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:34,680 but in the year 1953, amazingly, 360 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,880 it was this object that Italy exported more than anything else. 361 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:41,720 - It was a musical instrument, Bill. - Oh. Em, er... A hurdy-gurdy. 362 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:45,960 - No, an accordion. - An accordion is the right answer! - Yes. - There you are. 363 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,520 Rather extraordinary! 364 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,640 There you are - it's the Italian town of Castelfidardo, 365 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,920 which still makes them to this very day, and is proud to do so. 366 00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:05,920 Mm. Now what did Mussolini want Italians to eat to make them big and strong? 367 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:09,280 He had a national propaganda day for this foodstuff 368 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:12,640 and he wanted Italians to take to it. 369 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:18,200 - Was it a vegetable? - Not quite. - Nuts. - Not nuts, no. 370 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:22,840 - It's something Italians do eat. They have a specialist dish. - Polenta? - Very close. 371 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:26,200 - What's a great Italian dish, apart from pasta? - Macaroni cheese. 372 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:28,040 - R... - Ravioli? - Ri... 373 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:34,200 - Risotto! - Which is made from...? - Rice. - Rice, exactly. 374 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:39,800 And he wanted Italians off the habit of eating pasta and onto rice. 375 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:46,840 - They didn't take kindly to this and so here are some... - Paddy fields. - ..Italian ladies growing rice. 376 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:50,200 - And singing while they do it. - As they did it. 377 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:56,040 He had on his side the Futurists. You probably know about the Futurist movement. 378 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,800 - Not yet. - Like the Dadaists... 379 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:03,640 "Not yet". Very good! Much too quick. That was brilliant. 380 00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:08,560 The Futurists were an art movement and they were pretty witty. 381 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:12,960 Filippo Tommaso Marinetti, one of the great Futurists, 382 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:17,000 said pasta made Italians lethargic, pessimistic and sentimental. 383 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:23,000 This caused outrage. He opened his own restaurant and had some extraordinary dishes. 384 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:27,360 Way ahead of Heston Blumenthal and anybody like that. 385 00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:31,640 My favourite one is Aerofood. Pieces of olive, fennel and kumquat 386 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:34,080 eaten with the right hand, 387 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:40,720 while the left hand caresses various pieces of sandpaper, velvet and silk. 388 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:46,880 All the while, the diner is blasted with a giant fan and sprayed with the scent of carnation 389 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,920 to the music of Wagner. 390 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:50,640 LAUGHTER 391 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:53,680 Isn't that a dish? 392 00:27:54,680 --> 00:28:00,760 I think somebody should have the guts and the wit to open a Futurist restaurant. 393 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:06,840 There was Chicken Fiat. The chicken is roasted with a handful of ball bearings inside. 394 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:14,120 When the flesh has fully absorbed the flavour of the mild steel balls, it is served with whipped cream. 395 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:21,480 And Excited Pig - a salami skinned is cooked in strong espresso coffee, flavoured with eau de cologne. 396 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:23,040 GROANS 397 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:25,520 Have you been to a motorway services? 398 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:31,880 - I quite like the idea of a chicken that tastes a bit of metal. - Yes. 399 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:35,360 I love the idea of stroking something while you're eating. 400 00:28:35,360 --> 00:28:39,240 Have you ever been to one of those - there's one in Berlin I went to - 401 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:42,080 restaurants where it's completely dark? 402 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:45,640 All the waiters are blind, and they lead you to your table, 403 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,800 they recite the menu to you, and you order the food 404 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:52,080 and it's put in front of you. You often use your fingers. 405 00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:54,720 It concentrates you entirely on the taste of the food. 406 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:58,280 I know it sounds a bit weird, but it is a fantastic experience. 407 00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:01,000 I'm not saying you should go there every night. 408 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:05,040 The kitchen - chefs wandering around with no fingers. 409 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:08,720 I get stressed in restaurants, 410 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:12,400 when the waiters don't write down your order. 411 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:15,640 You know - "No, we're a cool restaurant, we can remember it." 412 00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:18,800 And you say, "Well, CAN you remember? Are you sure?" 413 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,560 Because this is specifically what I have to eat. 414 00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:24,880 If I want to torture my mother, which... 415 00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:29,760 Then, it's a free country. 416 00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:32,280 Do what you like, Wing Commander. 417 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:35,480 In a restaurant, she'll say, "What are you going to have?" 418 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:38,480 You say, "I'm not telling you. I'm going to tell the waiter." 419 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:42,360 - "No, tell me what you're going to have." - "Waterboarding for you, Mother." 420 00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:45,840 There ARE people who cannot... Who just can't bear it 421 00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:48,560 unless they know what everyone else is going to order. 422 00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:52,040 So it does drive my mother slightly potty not to tell her. 423 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,080 Now, as far as pasta is concerned, 424 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:58,360 what sort of sauces fit what sort of pasta? 425 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:01,160 Do you think there's a rule that you should apply? 426 00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:03,160 The Italians have a kind of code, 427 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:07,120 that certain pastas hold more sauce, so if it's a very strong flavour, 428 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:11,120 you want a pasta like the little shell-shaped ones. 429 00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:14,000 Anything hollow, they reckon should have a tomatoey one, 430 00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:17,680 because it's more liquid and it fills the inside of the tube, as well. 431 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:22,200 - They also don't have Parmesan on, by any means, any of it. - They often regard that as vulgar. 432 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:26,560 - And Bolognese is just for idiots. - Yeah. 'Fraid so, yeah. 433 00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:29,800 And the other major thing is that we use about four times more sauce 434 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:31,600 on the pasta than the Italians do. 435 00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:33,560 They just basically coat the pasta with the sauce. 436 00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:38,040 The point is, though, they just have pasta as one of many courses in an elegant meal. 437 00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:42,640 We say, "Oh, pasta's a great way of getting the whole chore of feeding ourselves over with, 438 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:46,520 "in one great stodgy go. We'll have loads. 439 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:51,120 "I'll have a pile of it, until I just can't face another mouthful." 440 00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:54,240 Exactly. You're looking at the cooking instructions. 441 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:56,200 "Serves what?" 442 00:30:56,200 --> 00:30:57,920 APPLAUSE 443 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:02,480 "Serves four? Nah! I'll double that, I think." 444 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:06,120 I regard myself, in some ways, as a sophisticated being and, yet, 445 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:10,640 I'm not even ashamed of the fact that I love spaghetti hoops on toast. I just do! 446 00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:15,880 That's what the Italians wouldn't understand - the thing to do with pasta is to put it on toast. 447 00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:19,560 Is that what you do after a show? Go home, get some spaghetti hoops, heat them, 448 00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:23,600 put the toast on, turn the lights out, put the blindfold on... 449 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:33,240 My life! That's my life! 450 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:40,280 Moving to another country now, which international head of state 451 00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:45,520 snubbed Jesse Owens after his triumph at the 1936 Olympics? 452 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:48,120 - Yes, Jack? - Hitler. 453 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:54,520 - KLAXON SOUNDS - Oddly enough, it's not true. It's what the whole world thinks. 454 00:31:54,520 --> 00:32:00,040 And we know this from no greater source than Jesse Owens himself. 455 00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:04,680 It's a really rather sad and very typically unfortunate story. 456 00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:11,320 Jesse Owens won four gold medals at the 1936 Berlin Olympics, stage-managed, of course, by Hitler. 457 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:16,480 On the first day, Hitler congratulated only German winners. 458 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:22,240 Someone said to him that he should either congratulate all the winners or none of them, 459 00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:28,320 - so he said, "I won't congratulate any winners." So he didn't personally... - Look at the far right. 460 00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:32,720 - ..he didn't personally congratulate Jesse Owens. - LAUGHTER 461 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:34,640 Who are you looking at there? 462 00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:38,840 The bloke on the far right is just going like that. 463 00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:42,600 That bloke on the far right is called Hermann Goering. 464 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:45,080 LAUGHTER 465 00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:48,560 - Surely they're all on the far right? - Hey! 466 00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:52,520 - Wa-hey! - APPLAUSE 467 00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:54,840 Brilliant! 468 00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:02,800 They're all taking bets on how high the high jump was going to go. 469 00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:08,560 - "About there." - The one on Hitler's left is thinking, "I didn't get the memo." 470 00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:10,800 How To Dress. 471 00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:16,840 Well, no, it is rather sad. Hitler decided that he wouldn't congratulate anyone, 472 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:21,480 so he didn't snub Jesse Owens at all. According to Jesse Owens, 473 00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:25,920 "When I passed the Chancellor, he arose, waved his hand at me 474 00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:31,560 "and I waved back at him. Hitler didn't snub me. It was..." Who snubbed him? 475 00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:36,720 - So Hitler wasn't such a bad guy after all... - The jury's still out. 476 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:41,320 - We know he's bad, but he didn't snub Jesse Owens. - The King of England. 477 00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:43,840 - No, FDR. - Bastard. 478 00:33:43,840 --> 00:33:48,600 The President of his own country. It's a terrible story here. 479 00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:53,440 "The President didn't even send me a telegram." He won four golds. 480 00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:59,280 "When I came back to my native country, I couldn't ride in the front of the bus, 481 00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:06,520 "I had to go to the back door, I wasn't invited to the White House to shake hands with the President." 482 00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:12,440 He had to use the goods lift at the Waldorf Astoria to get into the reception 483 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:17,240 for returning US athletes as he wasn't to use the front door. 484 00:34:17,240 --> 00:34:23,640 - Sammy Davis Junior couldn't go in the front of hotels in Vegas where he was performing. - Astonishing. 485 00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:29,160 - He went in through the kitchen. - I know. That still happens to me sometimes. 486 00:34:29,160 --> 00:34:35,040 Moving on elsewhere again, where does the rainwater that falls into this creek go? 487 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:39,080 - It's in Wyoming, I should say. - FANFARE 488 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:42,000 - 'Nobody knows!' - You're right! 489 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:43,760 CHEERING 490 00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:45,640 Well done! 491 00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:49,040 All right! 492 00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:58,560 You're very good at this. As you probably know, round about the Rockies 493 00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:04,600 there is the Continental Divide and rainwater that falls on one side drains into the Pacific, 494 00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:09,920 - the other to the Atlantic, but in this particular place... - LAUGHTER 495 00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:12,960 Nobody knows. 496 00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:17,320 - It's called North Two Ocean Creek in Wyoming. - It's a big one. 497 00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:22,760 - LAUGHTER - Nobody, as you rightly say, knows. And there it is. 498 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:29,440 Now fasten your seatbelts as we head into a spot of unexpected general ignorance. 499 00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:32,360 Name the world's largest pyramid. 500 00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:36,440 Don't know the name of any. 501 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:38,960 - That one in the middle. - LAUGHTER 502 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:41,000 KLAXON 503 00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:48,320 Oh, Jack! I'm so sorry. 504 00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:53,120 - Am I really that predictable? - I'm afraid you are. Terrible thought. 505 00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:59,600 Well, well, I don't know. I'm going to say something that will be wrong, like Giza. 506 00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:02,040 Well, that's where we're looking. 507 00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:06,960 - The three great pyramids of Giza. - It's not an Aztec one, is it? 508 00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:12,240 Yes, it is. I don't expect you to know its name. If you did, you'd get 40 points. 509 00:36:12,240 --> 00:36:17,000 I don't know its name, but I'll spit out some consonants! 510 00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:21,360 - It's called Cholula. - Ah, Cholula! 511 00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:27,480 - It was on the tip of my tongue. - It's not Opl-lopl-opl...? - No, it's not Popocatepetl. 512 00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:34,000 It's Cholula. Although it's got a flat top and it's not as high, its cubic capacity is much bigger. 513 00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:39,840 It's 4.3 million cubic yards as opposed to Khufu or Cheops' 3.36. 514 00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:45,880 - It's not actually a pyramid. - According to archaeologists, that qualifies as a pyramid. 515 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:49,640 There is a word for a pyramid with a flat top. 516 00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:53,040 - Unfinished. - LAUGHTER 517 00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:56,560 APPLAUSE 518 00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:58,560 It's on the sign. 519 00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:02,480 "Due for completion early BC497." 520 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:06,000 It's called a frustum. Name the world's fattest country. 521 00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:09,560 Or the country with the fattest citizens. 522 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:12,520 - Cos otherwise I'd say it would be Russia. - No. - Tonga. 523 00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:15,280 - Not Tonga. No. - Fiji. 524 00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:18,520 No, but you're absolutely in the right area, you've correctly... 525 00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:21,400 - Vanuatu. - No, you're abso... 526 00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:23,760 - You're so... Oh! - The Cook Islands. 527 00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:26,000 - So close to round there. - Fiji. 528 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:27,120 It begins with N. 529 00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:28,440 Nnnn... 530 00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:29,920 Nyuh! 531 00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:31,840 Nnn-not Tonga. 532 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:33,040 Nauru. 533 00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:34,640 Near Tonga. 534 00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:35,920 North Tonga! 535 00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:38,200 Nnn-never Tonga. 536 00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:39,520 Is it Nauru? 537 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:41,920 Now! Exactly, yes. 538 00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:43,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 539 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:45,720 In your face! 540 00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:50,840 It only has a population of 10,000 people, 541 00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:55,480 but 97% of the men are obese or overweight and 93% of women are obese or overweight. 542 00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:59,600 - I remember they had a one-man Olympic team and he was in the weightlifting. - Yes. 543 00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:02,720 They get rather upset at being called obese and they say they're a stocky people 544 00:38:02,720 --> 00:38:04,120 - and... - Big boned. 545 00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:05,640 Big boned, exactly. Exactly. 546 00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:08,240 - It's their metabolism. - Well, I'm afraid the fact is, 547 00:38:08,240 --> 00:38:10,720 you can't really put on weight, as I know to my cost, 548 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:12,720 unless you put things in your mouth. 549 00:38:12,720 --> 00:38:14,800 That's where it comes from. 550 00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:18,920 When was the First World War first named as such? 551 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:24,760 The outbreak. The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. 552 00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:28,800 - You think it was straightaway? - Before it started. 553 00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:34,320 It would be an act of a pessimist to call it that early. 554 00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:39,920 - It's going to be some point after 1939, isn't it? - A realist, surely. 555 00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:42,840 "There's going to be more of these." KLAXON 556 00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:49,560 Excuse me! I think what I said, people in the box, 557 00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:51,760 is AFTER 1939, 558 00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:55,440 which may contain 1939, but does not mean it. 559 00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:57,400 KLAXON 560 00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:02,040 OK... No, no, no. 561 00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:08,200 I think "After 1939" and "After the Second World War" are not synonymous. 562 00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:12,640 This is just giving you time to type "After 1939". 563 00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:14,520 KLAXON 564 00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:18,800 Oh... 565 00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:22,760 Why not just type, "Mitchell is a cock"? 566 00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:28,160 - I wouldn't put it past them! - LAUGHTER 567 00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:35,160 No, the surprising news is that it was in 1918 that it was first called the First World War. 568 00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:39,600 A British officer, Lt Col Charles a Court Repington, 569 00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:45,920 recorded in his diary for 10th September that he met Major Johnstone of Harvard University 570 00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:51,760 to discuss what to call the war. Repington said to call it The War was no good. 571 00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:56,560 - That War? - To call it the German War gave too much credit to the Boche. 572 00:39:56,560 --> 00:40:02,600 "I suggested the World War," Repington said, "Finally, we agreed to call it the First World War 573 00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:08,640 "to prevent the millennium folk from forgetting that the history of the world was the history of war." 574 00:40:08,640 --> 00:40:13,840 In 1920 he published a book called The First World War, 1914-18. 575 00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:20,040 - Wasn't it called The Great War? - Yes, but there was another Great War before that. Do you know it? 576 00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:26,120 - Napoleonic War? - Napoleonic, yes. So wars do change their names. There you are. 577 00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:28,960 Supplementary on this international question, 578 00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:34,000 why did the colonels in chief of the Royal Dragoons and the 1st King's Dragoon Guards 579 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:37,040 fail to turn up for duty at the start of the First World War? 580 00:40:37,040 --> 00:40:39,640 They were entwined in an embrace. 581 00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:50,760 - Only now can we reveal the truth. - It was one of those embarrassing things about... - Oh, I know! - Yes? 582 00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:52,560 Because it was Kaiser Bill. 583 00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:56,960 Yes. Kaiser Bill was in fact the colonel in chief of the Royal Dragoons, 584 00:40:56,960 --> 00:41:01,040 and Franz Joseph Habsburg was the colonel in chief of the King's Dragoons, 585 00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:04,960 - so... - That's a security risk, that. - It was a bit, wasn't it? 586 00:41:04,960 --> 00:41:10,000 If it turned out that Osama bin Laden was actually an admiral of the fleet, 587 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:11,720 that would have been a nightmare. 588 00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:15,720 We appointed Emperor Hirohito a field marshal in the 1930s though, 589 00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:19,640 so we carried on doing this. There was a bit of embarrassment when they had to go to war 590 00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:23,320 with their colonel in chief. It was eventually sorted out, 591 00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:25,480 and we pretty much spanked their botties. 592 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:26,840 We pretty much did. 593 00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:29,680 - So... - Only four years of carnage. - Yes. Quite. 594 00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:31,600 And lastly, 595 00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:34,480 on the international journey that we've been enjoying, 596 00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:36,960 who invented this salute? 597 00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:39,320 - The Scouts. - The Scouts, no. 598 00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:42,760 Is this a kind of "who were the first fascists" question? 599 00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:44,080 Not really, no. 600 00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:47,080 Who actually used this as a salute first, do we know? 601 00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:48,800 Oh! Was it a Roman? 602 00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:51,240 - Ah... No. - KLAXON 603 00:41:51,240 --> 00:41:53,240 Unfortunately not. 604 00:41:53,240 --> 00:41:57,000 It was basically the French Classical artists, notably David, 605 00:41:57,000 --> 00:42:00,560 - the leading French Classical artist, who... - Artists have a salute?! 606 00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:05,520 They painted Romans doing this, but there is no evidence in Roman literature, murals or art 607 00:42:05,520 --> 00:42:09,000 - that Romans ever did this as a salute. - They're bound to have done. 608 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:13,560 - At some point, I mean... - They might have put their arms out, but it wasn't used as a salute. 609 00:42:13,560 --> 00:42:17,040 It just became a common idea that they did this. 610 00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:20,680 And so it then became very much a symbol of the Olympic movement, 611 00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:23,240 it was the Olympic salute, until 1936. 612 00:42:23,240 --> 00:42:29,160 Um, and also, American school children when they took the Oath Of Allegiance they did that. 613 00:42:29,160 --> 00:42:32,800 - And then again, once it became a fascist salute... - Now they do... 614 00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:40,000 It's a strange thought that the Nazi salute was in fact American school children and Olympic athletes 615 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:43,680 who first used it. There you are, wasn't invented by the Nazis at all. 616 00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:49,720 And with that we reach our final destination. Please remain seated for the scores. 617 00:42:49,720 --> 00:42:55,360 My goodness, me. Well, I'm afraid very much in the bucket class, 618 00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:58,680 with minus 44, is David Mitchell! 619 00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:01,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 620 00:43:06,080 --> 00:43:09,840 Standing room only at the back. With minus 27 it's Jack Dee! 621 00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:11,880 APPLAUSE 622 00:43:14,080 --> 00:43:19,720 - With a surprising amount of leg room, at minus 10, Alan Davies! - Thank you. 623 00:43:19,720 --> 00:43:27,520 Which means... that tonight's First Class passenger with four points is Bill Bailey! 624 00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:30,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 625 00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:41,520 So thank you for flying with QI International. My cabin crew, David, Jack, Bill and Alan, and I 626 00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:47,560 wish you a pleasant onward journey. And don't forget the wise words of Halvard Lange, PM of Norway, 627 00:43:47,560 --> 00:43:54,200 who said, "We do not regard Englishmen as foreigners. We look on them as rather mad Norwegians." 628 00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:56,120 Good night.