1 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,640 Go-o-o-o-o-od evening, 3 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:36,320 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:37,760 and welcome to QI, 5 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:42,080 where we have an ill-assorted imbroglio of interesting items 6 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:44,440 initiated by I. 7 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:49,360 Here for your immediate inspection are the inestimable John Bishop... 8 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:57,320 ..the inimitable Frank Skinner. 10 00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:00,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:04,880 - The incomparable Sean Lock. - Thank you. 12 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:07,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:11,040 And Alan Davies is also in. 14 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:21,920 Now, this evening the buzzers are intentionally irritating. 16 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,800 John goes... 17 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:26,400 MOSQUITO WHINE 18 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:33,960 Frank goes... 19 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,680 SMALL DOG YAPPING 20 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:48,480 Can I ask, how long is this show? 21 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:51,960 LAUGHTER It depends how often you use the buzzer. 22 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,640 Sean goes... 23 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,080 TODDLER SCREAMS 24 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,480 And Alan goes... "WRONG AGAIN" ALARM 25 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 26 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,440 As John and Frank have never played the game before, 27 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:19,200 I should explain that each of you has a Nobody Knows placard. 28 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:22,840 - You might like to show it. It's a question mark. - Nobody knows. 29 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:27,680 That's it. There will be a question tonight to which nobody knows the answer. 30 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:32,720 If you think, when I ask it, that this is the question to which there is no known answer, 31 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,160 you wave your card and you get extra points. 32 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:38,320 It looks like they had Strictly Come Dancing one night, 33 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,280 and someone did a dance so experimental... 34 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:42,720 LAUGHTER 35 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,800 You can consider it that way. 36 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,400 Now, to warm up the new boys, here's an easy one to begin with. 37 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,080 What's the French for "innuendo"? 38 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:55,200 Is it "double entendre"? 39 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:58,640 "WRONG AGAIN" ALARM Ohhhhh! 40 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:02,520 No, I've just remembered, "double entendre" is French for "big tits". 41 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,160 LAUGHTER 42 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:09,800 "Double entendre" means nothing to a Frenchman. You could say "double entente". 43 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,720 - "Entente" is like a... - Two-man tent. 44 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:21,040 No. Or "double sens", double sense. But they don't say "double entendre". 45 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:24,000 So it's a French phrase that the French don't use? 46 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,640 - So it's not French. - Exactly. 47 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:28,600 That's precisely what this round of questions is about. 48 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,480 There are other examples. If you're at a performance, 49 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:34,760 someone is very brilliant, you want them to perform again... 50 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:39,880 - Encore! - You'd shout "encore". What would they shout in France? - "More". 51 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,680 No. But good thought! 52 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:46,720 But "encore" is a French word meaning "more", but they don't shout it. 53 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:50,240 They shout a Latin word which means "twice". 54 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,280 - Mm. Mm. - Anyone? 55 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,880 Anyone in the audience? CALLS FROM AUDIENCE 56 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,720 Bis. B-I-S. 57 00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:01,440 - Bis! Bis! - That's crap. - They should try "encore". 58 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:04,120 You'd hate to do a show, wouldn't you, 59 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,360 and at the end, everyone goes "Bis". 60 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,200 "Bi-i-i-i-is!" 61 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,120 - It's like that. - MOSQUITO WHINE 62 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,840 APPLAUSE 63 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:19,320 There are other phrases which we use, which sound French, 64 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,520 but again mean nothing to a Frenchman. 65 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,120 "Cause celebre" is not a French phrase. 66 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:27,400 Like "en-suite" for a bathroom, the French would go, "What?" 67 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,440 What about "bidet"? 68 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:35,000 "Bidet", they do indeed have, though it's easier to do a handstand in the shower, to be honest. 69 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,440 LAUGHTER 70 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:40,840 And if you want the expense of-of a bidet... 71 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:44,600 - "Easier"? - If you're as nimble as I am. 72 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,760 I'd pay good money to see that. 73 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,880 I'd like to see you with a camera, going, "Tweet this." 74 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:01,840 The trouble is with the handstand in the shower, though, 75 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:05,040 it's like when you see a mountain stream, and you think, 76 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,720 "The water looks all right but I don't know where it's been." 77 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:12,600 When you're upside down and this water is pouring across your face, 78 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:16,560 lodging in your nostrils, and you know that it's been... 79 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,320 LAUGHTER Well, that's a worry. 80 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:25,920 I had a friend who had read somewhere that if you slept upside down, it made you more intelligent 81 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:29,080 - because the blood went to your brain. - Went to your brain. 82 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:34,800 And I became obsessed with the idea that he would have a wet dream and die. 83 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,240 LAUGHTER 84 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:44,400 Oh, that's so... In so many ways, a horrific image. 85 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:52,120 This guy also told us, that a Chinese Burn, is called a Chinese Burn, because in China, 86 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,760 it's a form of torture. 87 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,720 - I was told that at school. - It's the sort of thing school... 88 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:01,720 So a student in Tiananmen Square is stopped and a soldier says, "You, 89 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,200 "Come here, come here, arm out." 90 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,520 LAUGHTER 91 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,080 "Be careful, next time..." 92 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,600 "Next time, it be dead leg." 93 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:17,160 - I like the way you resisted the opportunity to go "dead reg." - Oh! 94 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:20,120 - Yeah, we're not ready for those jokes yet. - Oh, no, no, no. 95 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:24,640 So yes, there are words we use, "decolletage", for example, we use for the... 96 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:27,240 The French use "decollete" for that. 97 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,800 Excuse me, when you say "we", you mean you. 98 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:31,240 LAUGHTER 99 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,120 Well, it's not a common phrase. 100 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:38,880 No, it's not. Nobody says, "Look at the decolletage on that." 101 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:40,400 You never stop learning. 102 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:45,240 I've already learned how to say to my teenage sons, "Look at the knockers on that" 103 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,320 without their mum getting annoyed. 104 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,680 And now you can say "decolletage". 105 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,760 "Decolletage"! 106 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:57,440 Also, "en-suite", which is used commonly these days for a bathroom connected to a bedroom. 107 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:01,720 - In France, they didn't use... - (COCKNEY) And of course, the en-suite. 108 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,880 - It's - commonly - used. 109 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:09,720 There's a Greek phrase. The Greeks say "Katatraya stayeftika", I think it is. 110 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,640 And it means, "Who gives a shit?" 111 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:16,280 But literally, it means, "There is trouble in the gypsy village." 112 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:18,280 LAUGHTER 113 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,600 It's true. 114 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:29,320 Depending how high you are up socially, it's right, isn't it? 115 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,240 Posh people wouldn't give a shit. 116 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:37,560 Anyway, that's the point. You can ask a Frenchman for a double entendre if you like, 117 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,760 but you'll be lucky if he gives you one. 118 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,520 Not to some... LAUGHTER 119 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:44,080 Thank you very much. 120 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:46,120 Now to some I-tunes. 121 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:49,760 Who wrote the songs, I'm Leaning On A Lamppost 122 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,920 and When I'm Cleaning Windows? 123 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,080 SMALL DOG YAPPING 124 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:58,280 Definitely not George Formby, 125 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:04,040 even though his wife Beryl insisted George had a credit so that he'd get money. 126 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:07,960 You're absolutely right, and you're a bit of a fan of George Formby? 127 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,480 I am indeed, yeah. 128 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,320 I'm Leaning On A Lamppost was one of his big hits. 129 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,000 Wasn't When I'm Cleaning Windows a bit dodgy? 130 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,760 Well, there was a phrase, "The blushing bride, she looks divine 131 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,720 "The bridegroom, he is doing fine 132 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,720 "I'd rather have his job than mine 133 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,520 "When I'm cleaning windows." 134 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:25,960 The BBC banned it. 135 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:31,520 However, George Formby was invited to perform at Windsor in front of the Royal Family in 1941, 136 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:34,080 and some troops, during the War, obviously, 137 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:38,240 and the Queen Mother insisted he sing the song properly, with no cuts. 138 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:42,960 She loved it, and asked him to sing it another three times. But the BBC still banned it. 139 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:46,160 There's a George Formby lyric, my favourite double entendre, 140 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,240 and he says, "I wonder who's under her balcony now, 141 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:52,800 "Who's kissing my girl. Does he kiss her under the nose 142 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:56,800 "Or underneath the archway where the Sweet William grows?" 143 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,240 Whoa! 144 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,920 You're a special group, George Formby fans, 145 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:05,240 and it's usual amongst George Formby fans, I believe, 146 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:09,200 that they teach themselves the banjolele, and as you are one, 147 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,440 we have a banjolele. 148 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:13,800 Can you delight us with some Formby? 149 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,600 - Am I on the spot? - I don't know if it's tuned but... 150 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:20,880 Don't worry about that. "My dog has fleas", is what you need to remember. 151 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:24,560 # My dog has... # Oh, this one doesn't have fleas, he has distemper. 152 00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:26,800 LAUGHTER 153 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:32,400 That, um, When I'm Cleaning Windows has got another bit that goes, 154 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:36,240 # Eight o'clock, a girl awakes At ten past eight a bath she takes 155 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:40,840 # At quarter past, my ladder breaks When I'm cleaning windows. # 156 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,360 LAUGHTER 157 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,400 Er, there's a bit that goes... 158 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:54,280 # There's a famous movie queen She looks a beauty on the screen 159 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:58,680 # She's more like 80 than 18 When I'm cleaning windows 160 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:03,240 # She takes her hair down all behind Then takes down her never mind 161 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:07,720 # And finally takes down the blind When I'm cleaning windows. # 162 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,160 Cheeky! 163 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,080 APPLAUSE 164 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:13,000 Brilliant! 165 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:17,920 Thank you very much. 166 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:24,080 So, what is it about George Formby? He was one of the biggest film stars of his time in Britain, wasn't he? 167 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:28,080 I went to his grave, and 168 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:32,520 there's a massive great, white stone, and the big face and it says, 169 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,680 "George Formby." And it's a massive monument, 170 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:39,800 and when you get closer, you realise, it's his dad. 171 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,400 He was Junior, wasn't he? 172 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,720 His dad was a massive music hall star, and at the bottom it says, 173 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:47,720 "Also George Formby, OBE." Blah, blah, blah. 174 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,760 So he got terrible billing, even on his own grave. 175 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,760 And the wife you alluded to, Beryl, was fanatically jealous. 176 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:57,680 I mean, if a make-up girl on a film so much as smiled at him, 177 00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:59,720 she'd have her sacked, wouldn't she? 178 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:03,600 Indeed, but I think George got away with quite a lot of saucy... 179 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:07,560 - (AS GEORGE FORMBY) Turned out nice again. - Exactly. It turned out nice quite a lot! 180 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:12,080 George used to say that Beryl only gave him five bob a week pocket money, 181 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,160 but his brother claimed, after George died, 182 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,440 that that was something that George came up with, 183 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,400 so when he was in the bar, he'd say, "I'd love to get a round in, 184 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,080 "but Beryl only gives me five bob a week." 185 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:27,880 There is a tradition, I don't know if it exists in other languages, 186 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:32,720 or whether it's peculiarly English, of the tradition of Frankie Howerd, Carry On. 187 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,920 It must exist in other languages. It must. 188 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:36,320 I guess it must. 189 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,480 Even in America, it doesn't really. 190 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:42,440 - They don't seem to set the same store. - They seem a bit more mature, maybe. 191 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:43,880 Maybe they are more mature! 192 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:47,080 More sophisticated. They've got over it. 193 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:50,760 "Yeah, that did us until we were about eight." 194 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:53,400 In other countries, that symbolism is terribly sad, 195 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:54,960 portentous and awful. 196 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:58,600 - All of Ibsen's plays are about... - Yes, true. 197 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:02,080 The Master Builder's about towers and erections, 198 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:07,160 and it just means the man's sad and lusts after women he can't possibly have. 199 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:11,240 Everyone sits in the theatre, going, "Oh, God, this is awful." 200 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,880 In England, it would be Benny Hill going.... 201 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:22,240 They can be clever, those innuendos. There used to be a joke, "She was only a so-and-so's daughter... 202 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:26,080 She was only a road-mender's daughter but she liked having her ass felt, 203 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,280 - or whatever it was. - That's it. - LAUGHTER 204 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:33,440 She was only a fishmonger's daughter, but she could lay it on the slab and say, "fillet". 205 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:36,000 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 206 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:45,200 Does anyone recognise the photograph behind you, where that's from? 207 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,840 That's from Round The Horne. 208 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,840 A hugely successful radio series of the 1960s. 209 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:55,320 That's Kenneth Horne in the middle and they pushed the boundaries of innuendo, probably further 210 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,920 than they'd ever been pushed in British comic life, 211 00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:02,840 especially with Kenneth Williams and Hugh Paddick who played a couple called Jules and Sandy. 212 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:07,400 who basically used gay slang, in the 1960s, lunchtime Radio 2 comedy 213 00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:11,840 at a time when millions were listening. They were doing extraordinary stuff. 214 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:15,680 But that was the great thing. They'd got that Polari thing going, 215 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:18,640 they had their own language, so they could say, "Oh God, 216 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:23,040 "my lallies are so tired," and people literally had no idea. 217 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:24,480 But it sounded funny. 218 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,920 - That's right, yeah, I know. - And as long as you go, 219 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:28,960 "Oooer," every now and again... 220 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,480 I know. I know. Anyway, there you are. 221 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:37,520 That's probably enough innuendo. 222 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:43,440 If I see another double entendre, I'll whip it out and probably stick a blue pencil through it. 223 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,120 Now to an initiative test. 224 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,600 I want everybody here, and I'm including the audience, 225 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:53,960 our lovely audience, I want you to think of your favourite colour 226 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:59,560 and on the count of three, I want you to shout it out, as loud as you can. All right? 227 00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:03,240 It affects everyone in the room. OK? One, two, three... 228 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,600 ALL SHOUT 229 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:08,320 OK. So, Frank. What did John shout? 230 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,880 LAUGHTER 231 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,400 I was mainly listening to me. 232 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:15,600 Yes. 233 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,600 - Do you know what Frank shouted? - Pink. 234 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,000 - Did you shout, "Pink?" - No. 235 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,760 Do you know what Alan shouted? 236 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:25,720 Red. 237 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,840 - Did you shout, "Red?" - No. 238 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,400 - Do you know what Sean shouted? - Blue. 239 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:36,120 - I thought you shouted, "Yellow." What did you shout? - Blue. - Oh. - That was a guess, wasn't it? 240 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,960 I thought he shouted blue. He was really loud. 241 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:45,680 The fact is, it's very common, and these are use in tests for teamwork, 242 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:50,040 it's very common for people not to listen to other people when they are speaking. 243 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:53,880 It's not unusual, if you're making a noise yourself, 244 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,240 - to be... - Sorry? - What? 245 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,040 - Sorry, I wasn't... - Oh, I beg your pardon! 246 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:05,600 And as there are, as you know, people who make money out of paying management people 247 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:10,200 to take courses in teamwork and it seems it's very, very important, that 248 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:13,960 even when you are shouting, you should hear what the other person is saying. 249 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,880 What a load of bollocks! 250 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:19,360 I know. You should have seen me when I first saw this, 251 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:23,880 because if there is a profession, it is that of people who basically 252 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:28,360 get management people to pay them, to tell them the art of 253 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,840 the so obvious, it makes your nose bleed. 254 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:35,560 "When you're speaking it's really important that people hear what you're saying. 255 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:39,000 - "You know, we do a four week course on this." - The one I like, is the 256 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,600 people who come to your house and give you advice on what to do to sell it. 257 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,480 - Oh, really? - Especially when you don't want to sell it. 258 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,280 - Yes! That can be annoying. - Went in the toilet. 259 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:52,640 Put the toilet lid down, and said, "Lid down when showing." 260 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,840 Oh, really? So no floating solids? 261 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,080 LAUGHTER 262 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:59,360 - I always tell my clients that. - Flush it first! 263 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:04,720 And I would stop the family doing hand stands in the shower. 264 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,960 It's a living bidet. 265 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:11,120 Pay the full price for colonic irrigation, don't do it like that. 266 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:14,360 We're being very critical, but the next time I'm in a situation 267 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:18,880 where I have to shout out a colour, simultaneously with a lot of other 268 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,320 people, I'm going to pay a lot more attention. 269 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,040 That's good to know. You're advancing. 270 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:26,880 ALAN: I said, "Blue" but really, I meant, "Red." 271 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,720 That's really difficult! 272 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,000 I also don't think that works, because I think 273 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,320 if you're making a noise, you can't hear a noise. 274 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:40,560 I think that would make choral singing an impossibility if that were true. 275 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,920 - LAUGHTER - That's true. 276 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,960 It is... 277 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:51,120 - Especially when they do that "I Can Sing A Rainbow" song. - Yes. 278 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:55,240 It might surprise you, but I've not been in a lot of choirs. 279 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:59,560 That's a good point. But I've lived that life where we've had... 280 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:03,040 cos I used to have a normal life in a corporate world, 281 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,680 and I've been on training days... 282 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:08,040 Oh, you've actually been on the bloody things? 283 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:12,520 - And were they all absolute...? - I mean, there's some part of it that you think, 284 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,920 this could be good. I can see what's going on, 285 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,720 when they say, "There's an issue within the company, 286 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:21,640 "you've all got different views, why don't you draw a picture? 287 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,560 "Instead of talking, let's draw a picture," 288 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:29,880 "What are we going to draw?" "Anything that comes into your mind. Not a cock." 289 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,920 - Apparently that's... - LAUGHTER 290 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,040 Getting to the bottom of a corporate infrastructure, 291 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:39,440 cock drawing, saying, "That's you," doesn't really help. 292 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,800 We had all these things, and honest to God, 293 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,600 you do get to it and you start looking at people and think, 294 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,760 "You live your life like this." 295 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,320 You can see them going home to their kids saying, 296 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:53,240 "Come on, I could make your tea, but wouldn't it be better 297 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,800 "if you made your tea? 298 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,880 "Wouldn't you feel better as a team if we made tea together?" 299 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,480 "Wouldn't it be better if tea didn't exist? 300 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,480 "Let's all think. Draw your tea. 301 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,920 LAUGHTER 302 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:07,480 "And let's remove it as an issue." 303 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:11,040 Well, it's becoming rapidly more clear, there are many people 304 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:16,400 who need to be killed and nearly all of them are management consultants. However, hopefully... 305 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:19,360 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 306 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,600 Hopefully, that classic piece of management school trickery 307 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:26,680 will have taught you all a valuable lesson about the importance of listening, 308 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:29,200 so listen to this. What is an interrobang? 309 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:35,000 Is it the way you ask a question, 310 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,640 like the Australians finish all their sentences like it's a question? 311 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,680 - It's the lift. - As if everything's a question? 312 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,720 - Yeah. - Yeah, and goes up at the end? 313 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:47,880 No, it isn't that. They sometimes call that the AQI, the Australian question intonation. 314 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:51,920 But that's not it. It's a punctuation mark that had a brief vogue 315 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:57,720 and it consisted of a question mark, which is the "interro" part, 316 00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,640 and a "bang" is a printer's name for an exclamation mark. 317 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:04,040 - And there it is, that's how it looked. - I love it! 318 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,360 It's rather good, isn't it? We should use it. 319 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:11,080 You know sometimes when you're typing a letter and you want to go, "What the heck?!" 320 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:14,440 It's not really a question, but because it begins with "What the..." 321 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:18,120 You think maybe it should be a question. That's the symbol they were using. 322 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:21,160 You do see people, they'll put a question mark 323 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:25,360 - and then an exclamation mark, to kind of make that point. - Precisely. 324 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:30,360 In the 1960s, they had a brief vogue and there were typewriters that had it as a character. 325 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:34,000 And it does exist as a Unicode character in the Askey set. 326 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:39,640 What does that mean when sometimes you see a question mark upside down on a text? 327 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,880 - Well, in Spain, they do that. - Put one at the start. 328 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:45,120 - JOHN: - It means someone's in the shower! 329 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:47,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 330 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:55,160 In Spain, a question begins with an upside down one and ends with a right way up one. 331 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:58,560 And indeed, they did an upside down interrobang, 332 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:02,400 which was known as a gnaborretni, which is just interrobang backwards. 333 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,360 - Gnaborretni? - Gnaborretni. 334 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,920 # Do doo do doo-do! # 335 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,600 LAUGHTER 336 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:11,640 There was the sarcastrophe. 337 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:16,720 Which is a little like the circumflex accent the French used to have, 338 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:20,680 what's called a carat, you know, a little sort of hat shape. 339 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:24,960 You'd put that - "Oh, that's really funny" - outside the "really", 340 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,920 would indicate you were being sarcastic. 341 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:29,920 What's always frustrated me 342 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:32,920 is that on a standard typewriter keyboard, 343 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:37,360 - when you hit the semi-colon... - Ye-e-es? 344 00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:41,160 ..you just have to hit the key, but to get the colon, 345 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,800 you have to press that other key. 346 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:47,640 If I was a colon, I'd think, "Surely I take precedence? 347 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:51,680 "You are merely a semi version of me, 348 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,920 "I should be the one that just needs one key!" 349 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,800 - I share your pain, Frank. - Yeah! 350 00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:02,360 I've stayed up till dawn with whisky, going, "Why?!" 351 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:06,520 No, but I'll tell you, it's led me to an overuse of the hyphen. 352 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,240 - As might... - Instead of going 353 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:13,200 - all round the houses to the colon, I think, "Oh, I'll put a hyphen." - Don't go down that track, Frank! 354 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,400 Get off the hyphen now, Frank! 355 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,880 There's people here for you, you don't have to go "hyphen"! 356 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:23,320 We can support you, we're friends here, Frank. 357 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:25,400 APPLAUSE 358 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,920 You know, your hyphen will just wear out. 359 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:35,120 - Unless you regularly put some cream on it. - The alternative is to use... 360 00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:37,720 It'll be hanging down by your knees before you know it! 361 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,000 I don't want to be using a semi-colon 362 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:43,560 instead of what should be a colon, just out of laziness. 363 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:47,120 I wouldn't know when you should use a colon or a semi-colon. 364 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:51,480 No-one uses a semi-colon, that's why you don't have a semi-colonic irrigation. 365 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:55,960 - Messy! - That's the technical term for standing on your head in the shower. 366 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:00,920 Yes, the interrobang might be a useful new punctuation mark. 367 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:04,360 Now, let's play... WA-WA-WA-WAAAA 368 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:06,160 How Ironic Is That? 369 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:10,280 Mm, yes. I'm going to outline some situations, 370 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:16,720 and all you have to do is tell me how ironic they are, and why. 371 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,800 Is it out of 100? 372 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:25,200 No, you can just give me a sort of sense of just exactly how ironic you think they are. 373 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:27,880 I'm just worried about how we grade the irony. 374 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:29,800 I would say shiny... 375 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,680 Shall I tell you... 376 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,640 ..down to rusty. 377 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:37,840 Shall I tell you what the shades of irony supposedly are? 378 00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:41,440 I think what we're getting at is, "irony"'s often weirdly misused. 379 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:44,200 People say, "Ironically, he wasn't there." 380 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:47,160 - You mean, unfortunately. - The invisible man. 381 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,320 LAUGHTER 382 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:52,760 There's verbal irony, the opposite of what's... 383 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:56,160 "As clear as mud", "Oh, this is a fine state of affairs". 384 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:59,000 Slightly less than sarcasm, that's verbal irony. 385 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,680 There's comic irony. Dr Strangelove. 386 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:06,880 "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the War Room," for example, is an ironic remark. 387 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:09,120 Dramatic irony. 388 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,760 Little does he know that I'm about to... 389 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:16,720 Yeah, the audience knows Oedipus is the very murderer that he's hunting, as it were. 390 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:21,440 - Dramatic irony. - As in, "Dive, thoughts, down to my soul. Here Clarence comes." 391 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:25,200 Yes. That's just the kind of thing. Richard III and others. 392 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:26,640 APPLAUSE 393 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:33,040 Ladies and gentlemen, an all-round entertainer! 394 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:37,480 And then there's Socratic irony, which is pretending to be dumber than you are, 395 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,280 like Socrates, or like Columbo. 396 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,960 Lieutenant Columbo, the greatest ever detective. There you are. 397 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,160 God, that's the greatest ever show. 398 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:49,120 Is that it? Like Socrates or Lieutenant Columbo? 399 00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:53,520 - I would be hard put to say... - I know they both did that, but beyond that... 400 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,200 I would be hard put to say which was greater. 401 00:23:56,200 --> 00:24:00,320 I think Columbo is the greatest TV series ever made. I worship it. 402 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,600 - I absolutely agree with that. - I'm glad. 403 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:07,560 I once spent a long night with David Baddiel having an argument 404 00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:10,960 about whether Columbo had one eye or not. 405 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,040 Peter Falk, you mean? Yeah. 406 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:14,880 Well, no, this was the debate. 407 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,280 My argument was that Peter Falk does indeed have one eye, 408 00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:22,640 but in Columbo, that eye plays the part of a real eye. 409 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,440 Yes! LAUGHTER 410 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:26,320 I think there's truth in that. 411 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:30,200 - Columbo has two eyes. - That's how good he was. I agree. 412 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:33,520 How did this argument go on for so long? 413 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,680 - Was it like Women In Love? - He wouldn't have it. 414 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:40,200 Were you wrestling naked in front of a fire? Women In Love? 415 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:44,960 That was how we had to decide it in the end. We couldn't find a coin. 416 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:48,600 So, is this ironic? John Kendrick was an American sea captain 417 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:51,040 who put into Honolulu Harbour in 1794 418 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:56,480 and was killed by the cannon which was fired to salute him. 419 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,840 GROANING 420 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:02,240 Now, we understand situational and arguably, comic irony, 421 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:05,440 though the audience was very sympathetic. 422 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:08,280 - That's fairly ironic. - It's pretty ironic, isn't it? 423 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:10,720 It's almost up in the spangly section. 424 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:15,640 Yes. What about Clement Vallandigham, who was an Ohio lawyer 425 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:21,280 who died in 1871 while defending a man who was accused of murder during a bar room brawl. 426 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:25,560 To show the jury how the pistol might have gone off accidentally, 427 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,880 this lawyer grabbed the gun, put it in his pocket, 428 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:33,280 and re-enacted the events as he imagined them. 429 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:36,480 - And sure enough... - He was shot by a cannon. 430 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:42,200 No, the pistol went off and he was killed by the gun in exactly the way he was describing. 431 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:47,120 Just before he died from his own wounds, his client was acquitted. 432 00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:50,320 And the good thing is, his client didn't have to pay. 433 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,000 No, exactly. It's perfect. 434 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,800 Situational irony, I think that would be called. 435 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,040 But, now, what about Abraham Lincoln? 436 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:01,120 He was shot while sitting in Ford's Theatre, 437 00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:04,400 while Kennedy was shot while sitting in a Ford Lincoln. 438 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:09,320 Many other coincidences like that. That's just simply coincidence. 439 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:14,320 - Not irony. - Reagan was shot in Washington, and Washington was shot with a raygun. 440 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:15,760 LAUGHTER 441 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:19,080 If only that were true. 442 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:25,600 It would almost be worth inventing a time machine and going back with a raygun just to do that. 443 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:30,600 It's true. But nobody knew what a raygun was then, so they just went, "What's that?" 444 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:32,240 LAUGHTER 445 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:37,120 I have a picture - is this ironic? Is there something ironic about that? 446 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:41,120 That you basically cut all the wool off a sheep 447 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:44,440 - then knit it together again. - A sheep in sheep's clothing! 448 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:48,080 More ironic that we look at it and go, "Awww," 449 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:52,720 - then go, "Um-num-num!" - "M-m-mint sauce!" 450 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:59,680 I saw an advert for a meat supplier and it said, "Caring for pork, from farm to fork." 451 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:03,080 LAUGHTER 452 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:06,880 I thought, there's a certain point where you go, "You're not really caring." 453 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,360 I wouldn't call that caring when you're just going... 454 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:13,480 MIMICS NOISE OF A MINCER 455 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:19,240 With the eyeballs, to make sausages. Phhhhfffft! 456 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,440 "Aaagh! Phhhhfffft!" 457 00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:25,280 This is rather ironic. 458 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:28,960 In 1989 in America, convicted murderer Michael Godwin 459 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,800 had his sentence reduced to life imprisonment 460 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:34,320 after five years awaiting the electric chair. 461 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:39,320 But he was then accidentally electrocuted while sitting naked on a steel lavatory seat 462 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:42,320 in his cell in Columbia. He was trying to fix his TV set. 463 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,160 He bit into a wire and was electrocuted. 464 00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:49,720 - That is a kind of cosmic irony, really. - That's not irony. That's God's will. 465 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:53,120 It's God's will. I think you may well be right. 466 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:57,440 That's irony for you. The things we call irony often really aren't that ironic. 467 00:27:57,440 --> 00:27:59,200 Ironically. Or not. 468 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:05,160 Now, um, for some inside information. What's inside this? 469 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:06,480 Can anyone tell me? 470 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:08,960 It's a natural thing. 471 00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:10,520 Well, it looks like a coconut. 472 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:14,600 - It could be an elephant turd, couldn't it? - It could be. It isn't. 473 00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:18,560 This thing is actually a nut. 474 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:21,840 Weirdly, the things inside it are not nuts, 475 00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:26,400 but the things inside it are familiar to all of us as nuts. 476 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:29,040 This is how these grow. 477 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:30,760 Here they are. 478 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:32,840 - Oh, Brazil nuts. - Brazil nuts. 479 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:37,720 They grow inside... These are seeds, but we call them nuts. 480 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:41,880 Biologically, these are the seeds, and they grow inside this, the nut. 481 00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:43,640 They grow on top of the tree. 482 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:46,600 They're very heavy, they've been known to kill people. 483 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:49,280 But it's a very strange life cycle they have. 484 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:52,120 This tree cannot be cultivated, so they're only wild. 485 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:57,840 Only wild trees produce these nuts, inside which are the Brazils. 486 00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:01,680 And they can only be pollinated by a very particular bee, 487 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,680 and that bee will only be able to pollinate it 488 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,600 if there is in the area a very particular orchid. 489 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:11,800 So there's a really strange chain of necessary life situations 490 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:15,440 in order for us to get our purple Quality Street, essentially. 491 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:18,920 There is something unique as well about the Brazil nut. 492 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:21,800 As you know, there are people who are allergic to nuts. 493 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:26,320 But the Brazil nut, uniquely, amongst all the nuts... 494 00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:27,920 This is really unfortunate. 495 00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:34,040 You can sexually transmit Brazil nut to a partner. 496 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:38,280 That is to say, if a male has eaten a Brazil nut, 497 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:42,800 and they inseminate a person who is allergic, 498 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:47,720 that person's allergy will be affected by it. 499 00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:50,240 That's a good murder plot, isn't it? 500 00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:52,320 LAUGHTER 501 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:54,520 It is amazing. 502 00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:59,960 I actually feel right in the middle of an episode of House now. 503 00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:04,520 Cos how on earth has that been found out? 504 00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:07,520 Surely the woman would feel the Brazil nut? 505 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:09,600 LAUGHTER 506 00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:13,840 I think you may have slightly misunderstood... 507 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:15,640 The man would too, really. 508 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:18,360 May contain nuts! 509 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:19,800 LAUGHTER 510 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:24,280 We must ask the QI audience, both the physical one here, and those watching TV, 511 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:26,120 to be our experimental cohort, 512 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:30,600 and I want you all to eat Brazil nuts and then make love to your beloveds. 513 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:32,640 - I'll eat the nuts. - Yep. 514 00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:36,080 LAUGHTER Sean is volunteering on that side. 515 00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:40,760 I'm happy to eat the nuts. You line up, I'll eat the nuts, let's check it out. 516 00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:46,640 - There you are. - Let's do this! - Let's do this thing for science. - Yeah. 517 00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:50,120 Incidentally, does anyone know, in a packet of mixed nuts, 518 00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:52,600 why do the Brazils always rise to the top? 519 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:56,000 Surely nobody knows that. 520 00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:59,240 TRUMPET FANFARE You're right! 521 00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:03,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm very impressed. 522 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:06,720 It is a known and observable process, 523 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:11,520 that in bags of muesli and nuts, the Brazil nuts do go to the top. 524 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:14,920 Scientists have worked hard to try and understand why. 525 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:19,320 At first they thought the little ones settle down through and leave the big ones at the top. 526 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:24,000 You may say, why should they waste their time? There are all kind of good reasons, 527 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,320 like sorting rubble after earthquakes. 528 00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:29,920 I've got to be honest, I've never heard of an earthquake victim 529 00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:32,280 being crushed by a load of nuts. 530 00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:36,120 No, nor have I, I'm talking about the science behind the lodgement 531 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:38,440 and the dislodgement of solid objects. 532 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:42,200 You'd think, because they're the heaviest nut in the bag... 533 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:46,480 - It seems counterintuitive. - In a box of muesli, it's the larger items, for example, 534 00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:49,000 the currants, that go to the bottom. 535 00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:52,000 - You get a lot of currants in the last portion. - You do. 536 00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:54,280 Nobody knows precisely why it happens, 537 00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:56,840 but it seems to be an observable phenomenon. 538 00:31:56,840 --> 00:32:00,280 But if you get almonds in mixed nuts, 539 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:04,800 I find they rise to the top, above the Brazil nuts. 540 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:09,080 - And I'm starting to think it could be... - TOGETHER: - Alphabetical order! 541 00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:14,160 - Almonds, Brazils... - Cashews... 542 00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:18,400 Cashews, dates, maybe. And so on. 543 00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:21,920 - Walnuts at the bottom. - And walnuts right at the bottom. 544 00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:24,520 Good, you're all doing extremely well. 545 00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:27,960 What do the signal bars on your phone mean? 546 00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:32,440 Well, it means how much... signal... you can... 547 00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:34,520 LAUGHTER 548 00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:37,840 Don't be scared. 549 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,720 They mean how... how... 550 00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:45,800 the thing with the thing in the sky and they come through, 551 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:49,280 - not there, all gone. - I need it in English, I'm afraid. 552 00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:53,240 - It's got... - Talky talky power all gone away. 553 00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:57,720 Sky no fly down in the air here. 554 00:32:57,720 --> 00:32:59,040 Big bird in sky. 555 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,880 You're either connected or you're not connected. 556 00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:06,720 So levels of connectivity are a bit irrelevant. 557 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:10,360 Yes, I would have accepted a Nobody Knows card, too late now, 558 00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:14,320 because basically, there is no standardisation between manufacturers, 559 00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:17,920 and different handset makers have different ways of showing 560 00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:19,880 what is apparently a full signal, 561 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:23,560 and we're all really thrilled, "Oh, look, I've got five bars." 562 00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:25,760 Absolutely meaningless. 563 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:29,120 How many Nobody Knows questions are there in this tonight? 564 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:30,520 Ah! Nobody knows. 565 00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:35,480 What I find really annoying is when you're talking to someone on the mobile phone and it cuts out, 566 00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:40,680 then when they call you back again, they say, "Dunno what happened then." 567 00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:43,320 In the past, I've always said, "Well, it must be you, 568 00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:46,120 "because I've got five bars." But now you're telling me... 569 00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:50,080 - Exactly. I'm afraid that is... - You've pulled the rug from under me, Stephen! 570 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:54,280 I'm sorry to do that, but that's one thing we do on this show. 571 00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:58,320 Nobody knows quite what the signal bars on your phone really signify. 572 00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:01,480 And now we sink our claws into the soft underbelly of knowledge, 573 00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:05,840 and tear out the fetid entrails of general ignorance. 574 00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:07,800 So fingers on buzzers, please. 575 00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:10,200 What use is an inflatable anchor? 576 00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:12,840 MOSQUITO WHINE 577 00:34:12,840 --> 00:34:14,400 Yes? 578 00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:18,840 Is it for hot air balloons? 579 00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:23,560 Very smart answer. No. 580 00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:25,000 SMALL DOG YAPPING 581 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:32,040 - Yes? - Is it to stop submarines from, um... going too low? 582 00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:35,200 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 583 00:34:37,720 --> 00:34:39,720 That's so sweet. 584 00:34:39,720 --> 00:34:42,960 When the surface is incredibly sandy, 585 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:46,800 and a standard claw anchor would have nothing to catch onto, 586 00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:49,440 you send down an inflatable one. 587 00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:54,440 It's a spike. It goes into the sand, and you inflate it with fluid, not air, in fact. 588 00:34:54,440 --> 00:35:00,280 And it lodges in the sand. That's what they use. Now you know. 589 00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:04,000 Which animal did Richard I have three of on his shirt? 590 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,920 Now, can I suggest that at this point in history, 591 00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:09,240 no-one in England had ever seen a lion. 592 00:35:09,240 --> 00:35:10,800 Is that possible? 593 00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:12,960 So, it's not a lion. 594 00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:17,200 - What did Richard I spend most of his time doing? - I don't know. 595 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:18,760 - Crusades. - Crusading. 596 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:22,800 - There weren't any lions in Arabia, were there? - There were in Africa. 597 00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:24,560 Bloody everywhere, they were. 598 00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:28,720 Zoos. The Tower of London had a menagerie, a little later, I grant you. 599 00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:31,520 In a picnic in those days, not wasps, lions. 600 00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:32,960 Millions of them. 601 00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:35,160 GET OFF ME SANDWICH! 602 00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:36,960 The point is... 603 00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:41,560 Seen some lions! Swans are the bastards. 604 00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:46,360 He looks like he's going, "Ooh, get you in your suit of armour!" 605 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:49,800 He looks like he's doing a sort of, "Ooh!" 606 00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:53,400 This is the badge of English royalty that was first used by Richard I, 607 00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:55,360 and it's three... 608 00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:58,320 Well, I'd say, not lions. 609 00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:01,240 You're right to avoid the word lions. 610 00:36:01,240 --> 00:36:04,960 They were known as leopards. They called them leopards. 611 00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:09,200 They were not familiar with the difference between a leopard and a lion. 612 00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:13,240 And leopard really just means a bearded lion, and it's a heraldic thing. 613 00:36:13,240 --> 00:36:18,280 If they were that shape sideways on, those were leopards. 614 00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:20,040 So there was a song, wasn't there? 615 00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:22,080 - Wasn't there, Frank Skinner? - There was. 616 00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,960 And that would have caused me a lot of scanning problems. 617 00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:27,320 Yes. It was based, however, on a lie. 618 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:30,680 No, it was based on a lion. 619 00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:35,080 - "Three leopards on my shirt." - Were they rampant or couchant? 620 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:37,800 - Good question. - AUDIENCE: Oooh! 621 00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:40,600 It's gone a bit Sale Of The Century! 622 00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:44,880 They were actually passant gardant. 623 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:48,160 But the rampant lion is the sign of the Kings of Scotland. 624 00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:52,480 - Very hairy knees, the Scottish one. - Yes, they have rather, haven't they? 625 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:54,840 They would be called lions in heraldry, 626 00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:58,560 whereas the three lions on the shirt would be known as leopards. 627 00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:04,280 So, which years did your song chart, Frank Skinner and David Baddiel's Three Lions? 628 00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:09,480 - It was number one in... - '96, and then again in '98. 629 00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:11,440 Yeah. It charted in... 630 00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:15,360 And then it charted in, er, 2000. 631 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:17,760 2002. It missed out 2000, I'm afraid. 632 00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:21,880 - Did it? - Yeah. 2002, 2006 and 2010. 633 00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:24,800 - That's quite impressive. - I must check my platinum discs. 634 00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:26,400 Ooh! 635 00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:30,040 Yes, I think we can safely say we milked it. 636 00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:33,720 You milked those leopards. 637 00:37:33,720 --> 00:37:37,040 Can I ask, was it big in any other country? 638 00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:39,040 It got to the top ten in Germany. 639 00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:41,720 The Germans, when they actually won Euro 96, 640 00:37:41,720 --> 00:37:44,680 which is what the song was originally written for, 641 00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,000 they figured they'd won the song as well, 642 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:51,640 so they were on the balcony in Berlin, leading the crowd 643 00:37:51,640 --> 00:37:53,360 in Three Lions On A Shirt. 644 00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:54,960 My God. 645 00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:56,400 Now, that's irony. 646 00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:58,200 LAUGHTER 647 00:37:58,200 --> 00:38:00,960 Very good. 648 00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:02,840 APPLAUSE 649 00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:06,120 The fact is, anyone can get a Grant of Arms. 650 00:38:06,120 --> 00:38:08,600 You only need £4,225, 651 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:11,640 which is cheaper than some cherished number plates. 652 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:14,640 Sir Christopher Frayling, former Chairman of the Arts Council 653 00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:17,360 and expert on Clint Eastwood movies 654 00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:22,840 took a motto, which is "Perge Scellus Diem Perficias". 655 00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:27,080 - "Go ahead, punk, make my day"? - Yes! Very good! 656 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:29,160 APPLAUSE 657 00:38:30,240 --> 00:38:35,800 In heraldic, "Proceed, varlet, and render perfect the day." 658 00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:38,360 On my coat of arms, its says, "Katatraya stayeftika". 659 00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:40,840 "There is trouble in the gypsy village." 660 00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,760 What's the Latin for "Nick nack nocky noo?" 661 00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:47,200 LAUGHTER 662 00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:49,640 Frank Skinner's career as a pop star 663 00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:53,440 is, in fact, built on a lamentable terminological inexactitude, 664 00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:54,880 or lie. 665 00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:57,000 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 666 00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:59,960 Now, name... 667 00:38:59,960 --> 00:39:01,760 APPLAUSE 668 00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:05,320 If you can, see if you can name a living animal 669 00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:11,160 whose scientific name is exactly the same as its common name. 670 00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:12,600 SMALL DOG YAPPING 671 00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:15,280 Isn't a gorilla called Gorilla gorilla? 672 00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:16,720 "WRONG AGAIN" ALARM 673 00:39:16,720 --> 00:39:22,120 I'm afraid so. Unfortunately, it's called Gorilla gorilla, but the common name for it is just gorilla. 674 00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:24,640 There's only one animal we can think of 675 00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:28,640 where the common name for it is exactly the same as its Latinate... 676 00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:30,280 Does it sound a bit Latiny? 677 00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:32,560 - In a way. - Is it rhinoceros? - No, that's Greek. 678 00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:35,640 - It's not that, no. That doesn't sound Latin at all. - Horse? 679 00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:39,520 No, that's equus. No, it's not a mammal, OK? 680 00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:42,520 - It's not a mammal? - Frog. 681 00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:47,680 No, it's not. It's herpetic, it's ophidian, it's long and narrow. 682 00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:52,240 - Snake. - Snake. It's a kind of snake. - Oh, it's a kind of snake, not snake. 683 00:39:52,240 --> 00:39:53,680 LAUGHTER 684 00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:56,600 - No, no, it's a species we're after. - Monty Python. 685 00:39:56,600 --> 00:40:00,640 Oh, I see, cos if you know about them, you don't go, "Look, snake." 686 00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:03,560 You go, "Ah, it's Snakus curmuncunus." 687 00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:07,080 - Exactly. There is one where precisely... - Boa constrictor. 688 00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:10,200 - Boa constrictor is the right answer! - I was thinking it! 689 00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,200 APPLAUSE 690 00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:18,640 The scientific name for the Boa constrictor is Boa constrictor. 691 00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:22,640 As far as we can tell at QI, there is no other animal where that's true. 692 00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,600 There's some plants where it's true, Aloe vera, or whatever, 693 00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:29,640 but no living animal, as far as we know, except the Boa constrictor, 694 00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:32,320 has the same common name as scientific name. 695 00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:35,520 What's wrong with these bananas? 696 00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:37,520 They're upside down. 697 00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:39,600 Yes, they're upside down. 698 00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:41,440 Bananas do not grow like that. 699 00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:43,520 They grow like... that. 700 00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,520 - They grow upwards. - It's my area of expertise. 701 00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:49,520 I'm impressed. I'm very impressed. Well done. 702 00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:53,040 You probably know something else interesting about bananas. 703 00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:56,760 They have a quality, you might call it a negative quality, 704 00:40:56,760 --> 00:41:00,080 which some other foods have, including these. 705 00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:03,880 And that is, they are faintly radioactive. 706 00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:06,720 Not that there's any harm in eating bananas. 707 00:41:06,720 --> 00:41:11,320 The isotope in question from potassium, K40, is present in our bodies in any case. 708 00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:15,040 Especially in men, in our little naughty areas. 709 00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:17,200 Is that why they look like bananas? 710 00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:18,440 No. 711 00:41:18,440 --> 00:41:23,320 - No, actually, within the epididymes, the... - Speak for yourself! 712 00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:27,800 - Actually, yes! - I'm waiting for mine to stop being green. 713 00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:29,080 Oh, no! 714 00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:33,480 I'm more in the line with the Brazil nut. 715 00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:38,840 How long is the half life of the radioactive component of a banana? 716 00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:42,840 - I'd say six hours. - 1.25 billion years. 717 00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:45,800 You were only a bit out, then. 718 00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:49,480 It was going to be one or the other. 719 00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:54,760 Brazil nuts contain radium, and are 1,000 times more radioactive than other foods. 720 00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:59,640 We're told that if you walk into a nuclear power plant with a pocket full of Brazils, 721 00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:02,440 it's liable to set off the radiation leak alarm. 722 00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:04,520 True story. 723 00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:08,240 - And get a bit of a reputation. - Yes, definitely. 724 00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:13,360 "Here he comes, cheeky chappy, with his pocket full of Brazil nuts." 725 00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:18,360 And an easy one to end with - which country is the world's largest producer of Brazil nuts? 726 00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:22,920 - TODDLER SCREAMS - Costa Rica! 727 00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:25,320 - No. - Ah. 728 00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:28,160 - Nice idea. - Brazil. - No! 729 00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:32,680 - Brazil is the second largest. - Bolivia. 730 00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:35,680 Bolivia is the right answer! 731 00:42:37,760 --> 00:42:42,680 I suspect you were thinking of Bolivia Newton John, which isn't quite the same. 732 00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:44,160 I often do. 733 00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:46,000 Bolivia is the world's... 734 00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:51,720 - Surely with all that radiation, it should be Bolivia Neutron Bomb. - You'd think! 735 00:42:51,720 --> 00:42:55,080 Which brings me to the nutty scores. 736 00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,160 Well, my goodness, my gracious, and my word. 737 00:42:58,160 --> 00:43:03,320 - We have a tie for first place. - Fight! - And would you believe... 738 00:43:03,320 --> 00:43:05,240 We're not Harry Hill here. 739 00:43:05,240 --> 00:43:06,680 Wonderful as he is. 740 00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:10,440 Would you believe that our two winners, our tie for first place, 741 00:43:10,440 --> 00:43:14,200 is our first-time players, Frank Skinner and John Bishop, four points! 742 00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:16,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 743 00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:22,960 And in third place with minus 14 points, it's Sean Lock! 744 00:43:22,960 --> 00:43:26,960 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you. 745 00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:33,280 But I'm afraid that the currant that settled at the bottom of the box 746 00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:35,920 with minus 21 is Alan Davies. 747 00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:38,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 748 00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:46,360 Well, that's your lot for this week. My thanks to John, Frank, Sean and Alan. 749 00:43:46,360 --> 00:43:49,080 I leave you with these wise words from Groucho Marx. 750 00:43:49,080 --> 00:43:52,240 "He may look like an idiot, he may sound like an idiot, 751 00:43:52,240 --> 00:43:56,120 "but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot." Goodnight. 752 00:43:56,120 --> 00:44:00,040 APPLAUSE 753 00:44:15,440 --> 00:44:18,480 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 754 00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:21,560 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk