1 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:26,640 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,000 Good...evening! 3 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:36,200 Good evening. Good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:39,680 and welcome to an absolutely choice edition of QI, 5 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,000 which is all about indecision. 6 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:46,040 All in a dither tonight are A, Jimmy Carr... 7 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:49,080 CHEERING 8 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:52,360 - ..B, Rich Hall... - CHEERING 9 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:57,240 - ..C, Phill Jupitus - CHEERING 10 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:03,200 ..or D, none of the above, Alan Davies. 11 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:06,120 CHEERING 12 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:12,440 Your buzzers are designed to help you make up your mind. 13 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,560 - Jimmy goes... - WOMAN: "Turn right. Turn right." 14 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:19,160 - Phill goes... - WOMAN: "Turn left. Turn left." 15 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,440 - Rich goes... - WOMAN: "Turn round. Turn round." 16 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:27,000 - And Alan goes... - MAN: "Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle? Are you sure? 17 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,320 "Would you blow into this bag, please, sir?" 18 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:33,040 And don't forget your "nobody knows" jokers. 19 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:34,440 Have you got them there? 20 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,520 FANFARE "Nobody knows." 21 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:40,360 There is a question, to which the answer is "nobody knows". 22 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,760 If you can flag it up, you get extra points. 23 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:47,240 Now, why was this tosser thrown out of The Magic Circle? 24 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:50,640 "Tosser" is a technical term in this particular - 25 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,520 Was he using real magic? 26 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,640 That's not the reason, but it's a damn good thought. 27 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:59,280 - What gets you thrown out of The Magic Circle? - Giving away the secrets. 28 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:03,760 Yes. This guy, John Lenahan, was thrown out of The Magic Circle 29 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:07,400 for giving away a particular - a very famous - 30 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:11,600 you just have to buy a book and you know how to do it. 31 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,680 He said if he'd been a murderer, he'd have be out of prison by now, 32 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:20,200 but he's out of The Magic Circle for life because he appeared on Des Lynam's "How Do They Do That?" 33 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,600 - and revealed... - Oh, Lynam! 34 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,840 ..one of the classic card scams 35 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:28,280 that is used on street corners to make money. 36 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:32,040 - Oh! Find the Lady. - Or as they call it in America, Three-card Monte. 37 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,120 - Exactly. - Because Find the Lady... 38 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:39,120 I prefer Three-card Monte because Find the Lady - I had a really bad experience in Thailand once. 39 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:43,240 - Did you feel a bit of a dick?! - LAUGHTER 40 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,480 Oh, I'm sorry! 41 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,280 APPLAUSE 42 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,080 And they've always got the guy that comes up and goes, 43 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:56,840 "Oh, this looks pretty good, everyone. I might have a go at this." 44 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:59,640 You're right. They have shills - the guys who say... 45 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,840 They put the money down and are paid out, you know. 46 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:07,680 - We've given you some money. Have you got it there? - OK. - I have some to pay you, in case you get it right. 47 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:11,640 Here you are. Watch the screen. All you have to do is find the lady. 48 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:15,640 Watch and then... There we go. 49 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:19,720 - There she is. - Oh, OK. - Keep your eyes on her. 50 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,240 OK, which is she? 51 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:25,320 - Left. - You're saying the left? - Yes. - Middle. - Middle?! 52 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,640 - Audience? - ALL: Left. - It's obviously the left. 53 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:31,680 Here you are. Course it's on the left. 54 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,480 You just follow it with your eyes. 55 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:37,400 Let's have another go. This time, we'll do it for money now you've got the idea. 56 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,120 Keep your eyes on the lady. 57 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,640 - There she is. - OK. 58 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:52,160 - OK. Where's she gone? - Right, OK, you three put that on a card each, 59 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,920 and I will stick this in a lady's knickers in the audience. 60 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:59,520 That's a whole other game! That's a whole other lady to find. 61 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,760 There's a lady put her hand up over there. 62 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:05,480 - She put her hand up what? - LAUGHTER 63 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:11,720 That's the trouble with this game. You always want to see it a second time. 64 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,400 - Place your bets. - I'm going left. - Left. OK. 65 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,760 I'm going left. 66 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:19,520 - Right. - Right. - Left. 67 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:20,840 Three lefts and a right. 68 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:25,680 Audience, how many think left? 69 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,840 Oh, most of you. 70 00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:29,120 How many think middle? 71 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,800 Only very few. How many think right? Actually, the majority think right. 72 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,320 OK, let's show. 73 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,920 - It is indeed the left! - Two in a row! Come on! 74 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:43,800 - That's brilliant. - That's it, I'm getting my real money out. I'm on a roll! 75 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,520 That's the time to quit! 76 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:49,120 I ought to explain when talking about John Lenahan, 77 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:52,960 when I called him a tosser, that is the name for the guy who does that trick. 78 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:57,480 It's called tossing. You can win a lot of money by tossing. 79 00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,480 - Argh! - What the...? 80 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,160 LAUGHTER 81 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:09,240 I think somebody thought it was real money. Anyway... Interesting. 82 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:13,600 - OK. - What the hell was that? - We'll find out, maybe or maybe not. 83 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,880 - OK, so - - I'm not in on that, I just want you to know! 84 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,040 LAUGHTER 85 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,880 Anyway, John Lenahan was expelled from The Magic Circle 86 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,400 for exposing the secret of Find the Lady on TV. 87 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,040 The real secret is, even if you choose correctly, 88 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:30,240 someone is likely to run off with the money, 89 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:31,960 because that's the way they work. 90 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:35,400 Now for something beginning with "I" you wouldn't choose in 100 years. 91 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:39,120 Who expected the Spanish Inquisition? 92 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:40,720 Was it... Er... Was it... 93 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:43,440 No. LAUGHTER 94 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:47,080 According to Monty Python, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. 95 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,360 But, in fact, they couldn't be more wrong. 96 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:52,640 Was it the Ku Klux Klan? Because those two fellas... 97 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,800 Yeah, it's true. They did wear similar... 98 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,040 - PHILL: - I thought that was the Pet Shop Boys. 99 00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:58,280 LAUGHTER 100 00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:02,160 That's one of their best videos, actually. It's very moody. 101 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:06,160 The fact is, the Spanish Inquisition always gave you 30 days' notice. 102 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,920 - They said... - LAUGHTER 103 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:12,640 They said, "We're coming to inquisite you," or whatever verb they would use. 104 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:16,680 "Is that Mr Rabinowitz? It's the Inquisition here. 105 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:19,200 "How are you? Good. 106 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:23,400 "We're going to come round and pull your balls out through your mouth." 107 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,440 "We're in the area. 108 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:29,400 "But only for the next 30 days. Take advantage." 109 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:33,440 - They gave you 30 days? - They're like the TV licence van! 110 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,000 They gave you 30 days to prepare and prove that you weren't a heretic. 111 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,680 You had to wait around the house all day. 112 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:44,760 - "They'll be there between eight and five." - Or get a priest! Exactly! 113 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,640 Or say, "Torture my neighbour. I won't be in. 114 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:50,520 "He'll take my torture for me." 115 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:55,560 No, it is a surprising thing, perhaps. But when was it instituted? 116 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,680 It went on for 350 years. 117 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,800 - Give me a century. - 1483. 118 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,560 - I can tell you - - Bloody hell, that's close! Did you say 1483? - Yeah. 119 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,880 Is that a guess? 120 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,000 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 121 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,440 I'm right! 122 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:22,480 It was 1478. But five years... That's very close. 123 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:26,840 They called and said, "We're coming around in five years," so in '78... 124 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,040 LAUGHTER 125 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:32,320 You're right. The Spanish took it upon themselves to have their own inquisition. 126 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,720 There was a Papal Inquisition, but they wanted their own. 127 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,080 It was an anti-Semitic piece of legislation. 128 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:41,880 They doubted that Jews who had to convert to stay in Spain, 129 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:45,640 they doubted that they actually really meant it. 130 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:50,080 - It was under these rulers of Spain at that time, Ferdinand and Isabella. - Wow! 131 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,360 - Yeah. - She's a dog. - LAUGHTER 132 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:57,600 She wouldn't mind you saying that. She would take it on the chin. LAUGHTER 133 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,520 I went to a Museum of Torture in Spain. 134 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,000 - Did you? - And I thought - 135 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,400 I didn't know anything about it - but I imagined 136 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,040 that the Spanish Inquisition was an awful few years. 137 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:11,040 - Yeah. It was. - But it went on for 350 years. - You're right. 138 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:15,400 - And they had lots and lots of implements of torture that really... - Oh, it was grotesque. 139 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:19,520 I mean, you can't make it up. But the one that really sticks in my mind is the one where 140 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:23,000 you would be impaled through your anus on a very large pole 141 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,560 that would go up your inside, 142 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:29,440 - but miss all your vital organs, and then come out at your shoulder. - Oh, God... 143 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,280 So it wouldn't kill you and you'd just be there for days. 144 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:37,000 Usually, it'd be something public, so you'd be an example. 145 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:40,920 Did you know they put hanging people from cages full of spikes 146 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,160 from a pole at the entrance to towns? 147 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:46,040 The Catholic Church, you won't be surprised to know, 148 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:50,400 - still has the Inquisition. - What?! - It's changed its name. In 1908, it changed to 149 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,360 the Sacred Congregation of the Holy Office. 150 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:56,160 In 1965, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, 151 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:59,520 and the leader under Pope John Paul II was... 152 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:03,480 - Who was in charge of it? - Ratzinger. - It was indeed. Our current Pope. 153 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:06,040 He was in charge of the Spanish Inquisition, was he? 154 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:09,160 - Not the Spanish. - They're very good at changing their name. 155 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:13,600 People talk about the Roman Empire falling. I don't think they fell, they became a church, 156 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,800 - continued on regardless. - Basically. 157 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,760 Now then, given the choice, 158 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:23,440 what would be the next best thing to having a Nobel Prize-winner in our audience tonight? 159 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:25,920 Dennis Leary had a joke about the Peace Prize. 160 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:29,440 He said, "I'd kill for one of those." LAUGHTER 161 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:35,040 That's very good. There is a sort of seriocomic version of the Nobel Peace Prize. 162 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,320 - Oh, it's the Ig Nobel Awards. - Yes! 163 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:40,680 The prize is given to people who usually are genuine scientists 164 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:45,240 who have conducted research, some of which is just a little bit weird. 165 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:50,360 We have on our left a woman who invented an emergency bra 166 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:54,480 that can be torn apart and turned into a gas mask. 167 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,600 Two gas masks, obviously! 168 00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:01,160 On the right is the inventor of the Ig Nobel Prize, Marc Abrahams. 169 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:05,760 I'm proud to say that in our audience, we have a winner of the Ig Nobel Prize, 170 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:08,800 Professor Chris McManus! Are you there? There he is! 171 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,880 - Whaa-hey! - APPLAUSE 172 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,680 - Now... - APPLAUSE 173 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:19,160 Professor McManus, they called you in the Press the "Oddball Professor". 174 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:23,240 Perhaps you'd like to tell us the reason you won the Ig Nobel Prize. 175 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:26,000 I got the prize in 2002 176 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:30,600 - for some work that was done half a lifetime earlier in 1976. - Yes? 177 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,920 And the paper was published in the most prestigious of science journals, Nature, 178 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:40,440 and it was called "Scrotal Asymmetry In Man and In Ancient Sculpture". 179 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:46,000 - LAUGHTER - So, your work was looking at how male testicles were asymmetrical? 180 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,160 - Precisely. - I've got an issue. Maybe you could help 181 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:50,440 because you're an expert. 182 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,800 Perhaps I should examine you afterwards. It's probably easier. 183 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:58,040 I think I can explain. One of mine is bigger than the other two. 184 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,520 Very good. You are actually speaking with purpose, aren't you? 185 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:13,080 - A higher percentage of men have one ball lower than the other. Tell us which that is. - That's right. 186 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:17,520 Most people have the right one is higher and the left one is lower. 187 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:19,560 - Right. - And that's the normal way round. 188 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:22,440 - Wait a minute. - Which is fine. Yeah, hang on... Oh, whoa... 189 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,680 - LAUGHTER - For the joker...! 190 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:30,680 I've got two on the left. 191 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:36,760 - There's nothing on the right at all! - Right! But... 192 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:40,640 the surprising thing is, that in Ancient and indeed Renaissance sculpture, 193 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:45,280 - you found... - If you look at Michelangelo's David or any of these great sculptures, 194 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:50,080 the right one is higher and the left one is lower AND it's bigger. 195 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,320 - Yes. - Which makes sense, if you think about it. 196 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,480 LAUGHTER 197 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,520 Why does that makes sense? 198 00:11:56,520 --> 00:12:00,360 - You'd expect the heavier one to go lower. - Yes, right. Oh, I see. 199 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:03,080 - But it's against... - The trouble is, it ain't that way. 200 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,720 - When you get home later, you'll find that... - Oh, no need, man! 201 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,120 ..the higher one is also the bigger one. 202 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,720 So the Greeks got it wrong. That was where it got interesting. 203 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:20,120 That's odd, because they had bodies. Is it because they used mirrors and their own equipment, 204 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:22,960 and got it the wrong way round, or was there some other reason? 205 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,840 Their real problem is that they had a theory, 206 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:29,600 - and there's nothing more dangerous than a theory that's wrong. - Yes. 207 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:34,880 They didn't know what the testicles were for. It seems strange, but they hadn't quite worked it out. 208 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:38,000 JIMMY: Mine are purely decorative. LAUGHTER 209 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,360 - What was the Greek theory? - Aristotle had this charming theory 210 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:44,920 that little boys have tiny testicles and very high voices. 211 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:49,040 But as you get bigger and you go into puberty, the testicles get bigger, 212 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:53,320 - they pull down and they tension the body and the voice gets deeper. - Oh! 213 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:56,400 So they thought they were weights to tension the male body. 214 00:12:56,400 --> 00:13:00,000 LAUGHTER JIMMY: And is that not the case? 215 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,800 Which is why Barry White never did a marathon. 216 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:10,400 So for that, you won the Ig Nobel Prize and is that something you are proud of? 217 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:14,000 It's something I can't deny. Put it that way. 218 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,440 - Um... - It doesn't go to stupid people but goes to genuine scientists. - Yes. 219 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:21,840 At the end of the Nobel Prizes, Marc Abrahams always sends his consolations 220 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:25,520 to those who haven't won it and particularly to those who have. 221 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,760 - I also believe you are expected to make an acceptance speech. - I did. 222 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,000 It's a tradition of the speech to be interrupted by a young girl 223 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,960 who shouts, "Please stop it, I'm bored!" Is that correct? 224 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:39,960 Yes. Marc has the problem that the Oscars and all the other award ceremonies have 225 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,800 that everybody talks too long and thanks everybody. 226 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:47,960 He came up with this device called Little Miss Sweetie Poo - who's a charming eight-year-old girl. 227 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,800 After 60 seconds she walks across stage and says, "Please stop, I'm bored. 228 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:56,120 - "Please stop, I'm bored. Please stop, I'm bored." - A brilliant idea. 229 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,880 You had your own daughters do that job I believe. 230 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:02,800 At the show in London... I have identical twin daughters so we had both of them doing 231 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:07,880 - "Please stop, I'm bored." "Please stop, I'm bored." - Is not one of them slightly bigger than the other? 232 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,480 LAUGHTER 233 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,040 Maybe a little shorter? 234 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,480 - Touche. - Oh, that's brilliant. 235 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,320 Well, Professor McManus, thank you very much indeed. 236 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,480 Congratulations. 237 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:24,920 - That is quite interesting. - That is quite interesting, isn't it? 238 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:30,960 Anyway, the next best thing to winning a Nobel Prize is winning an Ig Nobel Prize. 239 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,600 First they make you laugh and then they make you think. 240 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,800 Here's a tricky decision. Which is more mammaly? A mouse or a hippopotamus? 241 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:41,080 - More mammaly? - More mammaly? - Right. 242 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:44,720 So is this which one has got breasts? 243 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:45,880 No. 244 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,120 Cos a mammal is... 245 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,040 It's about the way we decide. Indecision is our theme today. 246 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:54,160 If you give people tests about categories, 247 00:14:54,160 --> 00:15:00,080 and you show them certain kinds of items that fit a category. Say you're doing the fruit category 248 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,440 and you show them an apple and a pear, they think they're both fruit. 249 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,760 But show them a fig and a raisin and they'll take a bit longer. 250 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:11,800 Show them a pumpkin and an olive and they'll take a lot longer. Ooh, are they fruits or are they...? 251 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,320 - The same with mammals. - Yeah. - People instantly say that a mouse is a mammal. 252 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:20,120 A hippotamus? Oh, it's wet and slimy... Oh, of course it's a mammal. It just takes a bit longer. 253 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:24,960 I think if I was to stage an all-mouse production of West Side Story... 254 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,000 STEPHEN CHUCKLES 255 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,760 HUMS THEME 256 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,760 LAUGHTER 257 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:35,520 The way this is set up there, it does sort of look like the hippo is sneaking up on the mouse. 258 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,080 It does, doesn't it? 259 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,360 Could we Photoshop a Rizla in that mouse? 260 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:40,400 LAUGHTER 261 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:48,560 Shall I be really nerdy and say that really you shouldn't say Rizla? Do you know what you should day? 262 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:50,520 HIGH-PITCHED: What should you say, Stephen? 263 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:54,040 Well, it's French and riz is the French for rice... 264 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:57,320 - Yeah. - ..and the company that makes it is Lacroix. 265 00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:02,320 And you may notice when you see a Rizla packet that sometimes you might have torn the top part off... 266 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:05,640 - Why, Stephen? - ..for some reason. For some reason might need 267 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,960 - a spare piece of cardboard... - Yeah, just to jot... - Yeah, exactly. 268 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:13,680 Just to jot down something. An email address. Exactly. But you'll notice 269 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:19,080 it says "Riz la" - Rizla, we think - and then there's a big cross. 270 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,160 And the company's Lacroix which is "the cross". 271 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:25,480 It's "rice the cross". It's rice paper made by "the cross" - 272 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,080 Lacroix. Lacroix is the name of the company. 273 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:32,200 Stephen, when I get to Glastonbury I'm going to be talking about that for nine hours. 274 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,400 LAUGHTER 275 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:37,720 - See, it's not there. Right. - Look! Look! - The cross. The cross. 276 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,520 No, where the cross WAS. 277 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,760 I tore that bit off. 278 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,880 I'd love a fajita. 279 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,680 LAUGHTER 280 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,080 Anyway I can see I'm boring you. 281 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,720 - Um, here I am... - Not until we get an eight-year-old girl 282 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,680 running in front of you telling you who you are. 283 00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,800 I want the twins! 284 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:03,720 One way to tell if something's a mammal is the check whether it has nipples 285 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,160 which reminds me of a piece of I for Irishness. 286 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,120 What do you call an Irishman with no nipples? 287 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:13,760 - Um, that's Richard Harris of course. - In A Man Called Horse. A great movie, isn't it? 288 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:18,600 - I've seen worse. - It seemed extreme at first but now there's guys in Camden Town that have that done. 289 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:19,960 Yes, it's true. 290 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:24,200 - That'd be an Edinburgh show now, wouldn't it? Part of the festival. - Done things ten times worse 291 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:29,280 - than that for writing MacArthur Park. - Oh, yes - the cake left out in the rain. 292 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,000 The cake in the rain. Who cares? 293 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:35,680 If my nan left a cake out in the rain it would've absorbed all the rain - she made a very dry cake. 294 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:36,920 LAUGHTER 295 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:42,960 He didn't actually write, to be fair to Richard Harris - it was written by Jimmy Webb - but he did sing it. 296 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:48,200 I think he is guilty of that. This isn't about Richard Harris, this is about Irishmen with no nipples. 297 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:53,520 It seems bizarre but there is a real historical point of interest here. 298 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,920 - What could an Irishman never be if he had no nipples? - Symmetric. 299 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,080 We came back to... 300 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,680 What?! Symmetric?! 301 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:05,440 Going back in the past in Ireland, it's a very peculiar thing 302 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:10,440 but part of your way of showing loyalty to your sovereign - if you were an Irish subject 303 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,360 in the ancient days of the Irish kings - 304 00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:14,120 was you had to suck their nipples. 305 00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,080 - RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER - Right. 306 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,640 So... And you may say, "OK, but what kind of person doesn't have nipples?" 307 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:25,600 There would be fights, contests and people would apply, as it were, to be King of Ireland. 308 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:29,920 And if they were found not suitable, they would have their nipples cut off, 309 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:34,880 - which meant they could never be King of Ireland. - Sorry? They did it like Britain's Got Talent?! 310 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:39,520 - Yes. - This is how Britain's Got Talent should tweak it so that it's the same. 311 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:42,120 It would be quite something. 312 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:45,440 But there is Old Croghan Man, one of the peat bog discoveries 313 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:50,280 He was so well preserved that when he was discovered, it wasn't archaeologists, or museums, 314 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,880 or anthropologists they contacted - it was the police. 315 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:58,680 It was between 300-odd to 100-odd BC that this person had died... 316 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,240 - The chances of... - He was so well preserved... 317 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:06,040 - You would describe it as a cold case. - You would. - No chance of getting a conviction. 318 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:12,080 People said, "Oh, my god! Here's this recently killed body." He was found with nipples cut off. 319 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:17,120 He appears to have been someone who was deprived ritually of his attribute of kingship 320 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:21,080 - before being killed. So there you are. - Wow. - That seems to be the case. 321 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:25,280 There are extra points if you can tell me the national colour of Ireland. 322 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:28,600 - Well this feels like a trap! - It does indeed! 323 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:33,320 - That's the flag but that's not necessarily an indication of what the national colour is. - Blue. 324 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,160 - Blue is the right answer! - Yes! - Get in! 325 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,200 Very good! 326 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,760 - Well done, yes. - APPLAUSE 327 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,880 The fact is it's changed now that everybody thinks it's green. 328 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:47,400 And everyone paints themselves green in Chicago and New York 329 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:53,040 for Saint Patrick's Day. But Saint Patrick's colour was blue - Saint Patrick's blue. 330 00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:59,200 The coat of arms of Ireland is a shield of a harp against a ground of Saint Patrick's blue. 331 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:03,840 And the Irish Guards are distinct because of the blue in their bearskins. 332 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:09,160 So blue was always the colour of Ireland until really in 1798, 333 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,640 when they had one of their many rebellions. 334 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:17,080 And then green became a symbol of Irish nationalism and sort of took over from blue. 335 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:20,840 Sucking a king's nipples was a gesture of submission in ancient Ireland. 336 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:22,880 If you lost yours you couldn't be king. 337 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:26,600 You've got a big decision coming up in 40 minutes, imagine, OK? 338 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:31,040 What's the best thing you can do now to ensure that you make the right choice? 339 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:34,160 - Just make the decision now. - STEPHEN CHUCKLES 340 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:38,360 No, it's coming up. You may not know what it is, like Dwight here. 341 00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:41,320 Get into a rage. You make the right choices when angry. 342 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:46,040 Very well remembered from a previous edition. One of them is anger. 343 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:50,480 Apparently you make better decisions when you're angry. I'm giving you a clue. 344 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:53,440 - You're giving me a clue? - Have some water. - Yes. 345 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:54,920 Lots and lots of water. 346 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,720 - Drink lots of water... - So that in 40 minutes... 347 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:01,880 You'll be in the loo and you won't have to make the decision. 348 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,360 Bizarrely, no. 349 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:07,760 You'd be popping to go to the loo and that's when we make our best decisions. 350 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,080 - When we need a wee? - Shut up! - Yes. - Shut up! 351 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,720 It's true, girlfriend! 352 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,560 APPLAUSE Shut up! 353 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,240 Absolutely. 354 00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:23,960 The last decision I made when busting for a piss, was to pull over and have a piss at the side of a road. 355 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,760 Not that that's the best decision I ever made but it happened. 356 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:32,240 If you're given a SERIOUS decision to make, it seems...that, for some reason, 357 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:36,960 - it somehow allows you to make clearer decisions. - Do you know why I think it is? 358 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,080 I think that's probably right. 359 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:42,680 It's conscious versus unconscious mind. Your unconscious mind is the smart bit 360 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:47,760 - and the answers bubble up. You know when you're trying to remember something? - Absolutely. 361 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:52,880 To not concentrate on that thing, to distract yourself and sometimes it bubbles up organically. 362 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,360 - Exactly. - When you focus on it, 363 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:58,080 when you need a pee, that's all you can think about - needing a pee. Suddenly... 364 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:03,960 - Or the opposite - a crossword clue pops into your head. - I'm going to try and nail the General Ignorance. 365 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,840 I think I'm definitely going to do Celebrity Mastermind now. 366 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:11,360 - You should! - Just 20 bottles of Evian before I go on. 367 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:17,400 HE BARKS WORDS 368 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:20,480 "Red! Orange! Hitler! 369 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:21,920 "I've got to go, John!" 370 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:25,120 "Red, orange, Hitler"? I'm trying to think what that would be... 371 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,400 What is your specialist subject?! 372 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,520 Painting. 373 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,200 JIMMY: Love it! 374 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:37,280 Fair enough. Good one. According to the father of history who was Herodotus, the Greek historian... 375 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,320 Surely there hadn't been much history? 376 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:45,160 - He wrote... - Back then, it was... I mean, when he's talking about, 377 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,160 it's, "You know, two weeks ago..." 378 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:50,960 Has he got his hair woven into his beard? 379 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,720 It does... It does look all one-piece, doesn't it? 380 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:58,600 - A bit of hairdressing. - That's the... But he wrote of the Persians, 381 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:01,840 "When they wanted to make a decision, they made a decision drunk 382 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:05,040 "and then reviewed it when sober. And if they both tallied, 383 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:08,720 "they thought it was right. Or, they made a decision when sober 384 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:13,200 "and then reviewed it when drunk." But he said also, as if shocked, 385 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:17,160 "To vomit or obey natural calls, in the presence of another, 386 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:18,960 "is forbidden among them." 387 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:22,160 It's like, "Gosh, Persians are really weird, 388 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:25,760 they don't pee and poo in front of each other. It says more about Greeks, which Herodotus was. 389 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,960 But he was surprised by that. Don't you think it's odd? 390 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:33,600 Does he mean that they go behind a tree, whereas the Greeks would go in front of the tree? 391 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:38,240 - In front of each other. - The Romans used to all sit around chatting, didn't they? - Yes. 392 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:43,600 I've seen the toilets in Pompeii. They just used to sit there - "All right?" - next to each other. 393 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,120 And why not? Well, all kinds of reasons, actually. 394 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:48,800 We stare straight ahead. Straight ahead at the wall. 395 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:53,880 Whereas, me, I'd go in with a ghetto blaster, so people can't hear the noises. Honestly. 396 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,560 That reminds me of one story about Marilyn Monroe. 397 00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:01,520 When she was engaged to Arthur Miller, the playwright, she was very nervous about meeting 398 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:06,200 his parents, who were Jewish intellectuals, and they went to their small house in New York. 399 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:11,080 "Come in, meet Mum and Dad." And they were having a dinner and, at one point, she wanted to get up 400 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:14,680 and use the loo, and she realised that it was above the dining room. 401 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:19,360 To disguise the sound of herself peeing, she turned the taps on 402 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:22,960 and then had a pee and then flushed the loo and turned the taps off. 403 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:26,080 And the next day, Arthur Miller called up his father and said, 404 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:30,480 "So what did you think of Marilyn?" His father said, "Nice girl - pisses like a horse." 405 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:31,560 LAUGHTER 406 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:33,440 It's perfectly fantastic! 407 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,040 "Wow! What?!" 408 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:44,240 Now, what big decision did the driver of the number 78 London bus 409 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:47,240 have to make in December 1952? 410 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,000 - "Turn right." - Ooh, yes, Jimmy? 411 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:52,560 - The Coronation is all I know about '52. - Ah, yes. 412 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,280 - The Queen didn't get the bus, did she? - No, she didn't! 413 00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:58,160 You might, if you were bus users, know where the 78 goes. 414 00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,200 - It's... - It doesn't go my way. 415 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:03,640 - Tower Bridge. - Sorry? Where? - Tower Bridge. - It does! 416 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:05,800 - He had to jump the bridge. - Brilliant! 417 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,920 He had to jump the bridge! 418 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:12,560 - APPLAUSE - Whoa! 419 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:17,280 He was approaching it and there was some mistake with the warning sign. 420 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,440 As he was getting on... Do you know these? 421 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:22,480 They're called bascules, for the French for a seesaw. 422 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:27,160 And as he was approaching the first one, he was already on it when he saw they were rising. 423 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:30,080 He took a split-second decision and accelerated. 424 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,080 The second one was lower down 425 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:36,040 and, three foot in the air, whatever it was, he landed on the second one. 426 00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:39,720 No-one was injured. And he won, for his bravery, £10. 427 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,680 LAUGHTER 428 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,320 And Employee of the Month. 429 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,240 - I'm sure Employee of the Month. - Maybe Driver of the Week. 430 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,640 It was very brave. Very brave fellow. 431 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,760 - You'll want to know his name. - Bob Knievel. 432 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:55,920 It was a good bus driver's name, Albert Gunton. 433 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:57,840 - Berty Gunton. - Of course it was. 434 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:01,880 He should be proud. If his family are watching, I hope you're still proud of him. 435 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,480 What is that thing about split-second decisions? 436 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:08,480 - I don't know. He just made the right one. - He must've needed a wee. 437 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:12,960 Making a split decision and coming close to something and... 438 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:15,520 It's weird when that happens. There are two odds. 439 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:19,880 One is, there may be something small you've seen that you can't remember. 440 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:24,400 The other is, you wouldn't be able to tell the story if you'd got it wrong. 441 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:27,720 - Everybody is alive, by definition - - So, all the anecdotes about 442 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:31,160 "I made a split-second decision and it went very badly", they're not here? 443 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,640 - They're not there to be told! There is that side of it! - Yes... 444 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:39,320 - Anyway... - Like the conductor who fell out the back! - Exactly! 445 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,320 LAUGHTER 446 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:49,520 - The one thing we can say - - As he falls into the Thames, 447 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:52,080 "Gunton...!" 448 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:55,160 One thing we can say with confidence, Boris, 449 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:59,000 is that that wouldn't have happened with a bendy bus. 450 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,680 The brilliant thing with the bendy bus, 451 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:05,960 it would go between the two things, and the bridge could play the accordion! 452 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:10,320 That's true! It never occurred to me! 453 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:15,160 If one or other of these identical twins committed a burglary 454 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:18,440 and you had eye-witness reports, DNA and fingerprints, 455 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,080 how could you get a conviction? 456 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,320 - "Turn left." - Waterboarding. 457 00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:28,800 - I may have to refine that. - "Turn right." 458 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:32,320 It's even simpler. It's twins. It's the evil one. 459 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:37,400 It's, a, we have to be legal, so waterboarding is out. 460 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:42,200 - But they are identical - monozygotic twins - in other words, their DNA is... - What have we got? 461 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,960 - We've got DNA. - Fingerprints. Eye-witness reports. 462 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:50,280 - Are fingerprints the same in..? - No, that's the point. Fingerprints are very, very, very simliar 463 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:53,680 and you have to be a heck of an expert to be able to detect the difference, 464 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:59,200 - but in a court, you can demonstrate the difference. - Is this real or did you forget to tape CSI? 465 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:05,720 It's a real question. There have been, indeed very recently, here's a case, just January 2009. 466 00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:10,360 6.8m-worth of jewellery was stolen from the Kaufhaus des Westens, 467 00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:15,920 one of the great department stores of the world, one of my favourites, in Berlin. 468 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:19,480 - And they stole... - As it was German, nobody cared. 469 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:21,440 Well, 6.8m-worth, a lot of insurance. 470 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:26,080 A pair of twins named Abbas and Hassam Omurat were amongst the three suspects 471 00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:31,480 and walked free, despite their being DNA evidence of their presence at the scene. Or one presence. 472 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:35,800 "From the evidence we have, we can deduce that at least one of the brothers took part 473 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,760 "in the crime, but it has not been possible to determine which one." 474 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:42,760 You can't imprison both, just because one of them did it. That's the point. 475 00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:48,920 - What happens with conjoined twins? - That has happened, as well. In the case of the original Siamise twins, 476 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,160 one of them was rather a drunkard and commited an offence, 477 00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:56,320 but couldn't go to prison because it would mean imprisoning the other, so they got away scot-free. 478 00:28:56,320 --> 00:29:00,200 Now, identity parades. Fascinating things. 479 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:05,600 As you know, you are a suspect and the police are supposed to get people who look vaguely like you, 480 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:09,400 wear the same clothes, and an eyewitness says "number three" or whatever. 481 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:13,360 - Nowadays, they use something called VIPER. - Viper? 482 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:16,720 Video Identification Parade Electronic Recording. 483 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:20,720 Because as recently as 1997, South Yorkshire Police had a suspect 484 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:23,360 who was six foot three, 16 stone and black. 485 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:26,000 They couldn't find anyone of that description, 486 00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:29,480 so they got a make-up artist to black-up a group of white men, 487 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:32,960 - but not including their hands. - GROANING 488 00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:36,440 Unsurprisingly, the eyewitness chose the genuinely black person. 489 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:38,960 These days, they have all kinds of ID parades, 490 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:43,440 but the old type is not regarded as reliable. 491 00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:48,640 There are reasons for that, and we might be able to demonstrate what those reasons are. 492 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:52,840 Earlier in the show, you may remember a rascal ran across the set 493 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:55,440 and stole some money from my hand. 494 00:29:55,440 --> 00:30:00,120 - You all saw it happen. - You apprehended him! - Can you pick the culprit from this line-up? 495 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:02,640 We've apprehended him and we've got some others 496 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:05,200 to see if you can find out who it is. 497 00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:08,120 Here they are. One, two, three and four. 498 00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:11,040 Was it number one, stealing our money? 499 00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:14,440 Was it number two, stealing our hearts? Or is that just me? Er... 500 00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:16,840 - Was it number three... - LAUGHTER 501 00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:20,880 Was it number three, stealing himself for a spanking? 502 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:24,880 Or was it number four, stealing a format idea from Never Mind The Buzzcocks? 503 00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,160 LAUGHTER 504 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:38,520 Steady! 505 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,960 Very good control from our ID parade. 506 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:45,360 So I'll ask each one of you to give me a number. 507 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:50,040 You all saw the moment, or at least very briefly, which is how crimes are committed. 508 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:54,040 - Phill, one, two, three or four? - Er... 509 00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:59,640 This isn't fair. Phill's had much more experience in this game. He's built a career on this game. 510 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:01,760 He knows which one is in The Kooks. 511 00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:03,400 I think... 512 00:31:03,400 --> 00:31:07,120 If you could just stick a bass player in there for me! 513 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:10,440 - It was fleeting, wasn't it? - It was. - Two. 514 00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:13,520 - Number two. - I'm going one. - Two and one. 515 00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:18,160 - Two. - Two? - It's number one. - Number one. We're split between two and one. 516 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,120 Those in the audience who think it's one, raise your hand. 517 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:24,000 That's quite a fair number. 518 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:28,720 - Who thinks it's number two? - You probably had a better view. - That's quite a lot. 519 00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:29,760 Number three? 520 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:34,240 A few of you. And number four? Again, a few of you. 521 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:37,200 - Would the real thief please step forward? - Wait a minute! 522 00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:39,880 There you are! Number two. Well done. 523 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:43,920 Well done. Very good. Very good, indeed. 524 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:48,760 Thank you all for our line-up, including the three innocents. 525 00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:51,680 APPLAUSE 526 00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:54,200 - Can I just...? - Yeah? 527 00:31:54,200 --> 00:32:00,320 I got that wrong. I said number one and it was actually number two, but when I saw number one, 528 00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:04,880 I instantly thought, "That guy has done something very, very bad." 529 00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:07,760 I think, in a couple of months' time, the news will land 530 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:10,760 that he's done a terrible thing and I'll be proven tight. 531 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:15,080 That, unfortunately, is, kind of, the way people go. "Ooh, I don't like his face". 532 00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:18,560 I have to say, I am impressed by the audience, because, as you probably all know, 533 00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:23,480 we've all heard of tests in which this kind of thing happens if you're doing forensics 534 00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:27,080 - or criminology this happens in lectures and so on. - I was sitting in a cafe 535 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:30,320 and I saw some kids stealing a scooter with some bolt-cutters 536 00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:35,160 and they sped off with it and a few minutes later the police arrived and I went over the road 537 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:37,320 and I said, "I saw the kids who did this." 538 00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:41,160 And the copper said, "What colour was the scooter, sir?" 539 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:43,160 I said, "It was gold, metallic gold." 540 00:32:43,160 --> 00:32:48,840 - And the owner was there and he went, "It was silver." - So suddenly you weren't very trusted? 541 00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:51,480 No, and about ten minutes later, the kids came past 542 00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:56,120 and I followed them round the corner onto Highbury Fields - keeping my distance - 543 00:32:56,120 --> 00:33:02,560 and then phoned the police station, "It's here. I've followed them. They're walking along." 544 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:05,760 - No-one came. - That's because you were doing a silly voice. 545 00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:08,480 LAUGHTER 546 00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:10,360 Do it in your own voice next time. 547 00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:15,040 It isn't entirely useless having an ID parade. 548 00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:18,600 - You did very well. - I got it right! - You got it right. 549 00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:22,280 - You know how I got it right? - How? - I wet my pants. 550 00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:26,600 - That's it! Exactly! - LAUGHTER 551 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:32,160 You're learning! All right. 552 00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:36,200 It is more difficult than we think, or realise, to pick a suspect from a parade, 553 00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:38,560 although half our panel did very well. 554 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:43,320 And now to the moment when I'm afraid you have no choice at all. Fingers on buzzers, please. 555 00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:46,800 Remember, we haven't had our "nobody knows" question. 556 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:50,680 Who was the first person to go round the world in 80 days? 557 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,360 "Turn right." Michael Palin. 558 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:55,040 KLAXON WAILS 559 00:33:55,040 --> 00:33:57,920 - Really? - Yes! 560 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:03,160 I meant a real person. I'm not counting fictional. 561 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:06,200 - In fiction, of course... - Phileas Fogg. - Yes. - A blue whale. 562 00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:09,600 The "first person" was very much in the question. 563 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:13,360 But it's interesting I said "person". It was a woman. 564 00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:15,440 Amy Johnson? WOMAN SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE 565 00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:17,760 Shout that again, in the audience. 566 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:20,840 - Nellie Bly! - Well done, audience member! 567 00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:24,360 - Nellie Bly is the right answer! - Nellie Bly? - Yes. 568 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:28,240 APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH 569 00:34:28,240 --> 00:34:30,400 Very impressed indeed. 570 00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:33,960 Nellie Bly is someone we all should've heard of. 571 00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:37,600 She was possibly the world's first investigative journalist. 572 00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:40,440 She was a remarkably bold, brave and adventurous woman. 573 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:44,560 She worked for The World, which was Joseph Pulitzer's newspaper. 574 00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:49,360 In 1890, after the astonishing success of Jules Verne's Around The World In Eighty Days, 575 00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:54,880 Joseph Pulitzer decided that he would try and get someone genuinely to go round the world in 80 days. 576 00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:58,760 He awarded the role to one of his journalists and Nellie Bly said, 577 00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:04,080 "If you don't give me the task, I will go to another newspaper." 578 00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:07,400 And so valued was she, he said, "You've got the job." 579 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:11,080 And she did it in 72 days, which is pretty damned impressive. 580 00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:14,240 In those days, before aeroplanes, obviously, 581 00:35:14,240 --> 00:35:17,720 getting from one place, all the way round the globe, to another 582 00:35:17,720 --> 00:35:20,280 in that amount of time was a heck of an achievement. 583 00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:24,160 - It took a long time to get from Scotland to London in those days. - Quite! 584 00:35:24,160 --> 00:35:27,760 Can you remember in the book the forms of travel Phileas Fogg used? 585 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:31,240 - There were some trains, weren't there? - Trains. - Hot air balloons. 586 00:35:31,240 --> 00:35:35,840 - Not hot air balloons! - There's a balloon on the screen! - Because of the film. 587 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:38,280 In the Michael Todd film with David Niven, 588 00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:41,800 one always thinks of the balloon, but he doesn't use a balloon. 589 00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:47,600 Anyway, she did it in 72 days, six hours and 11 minutes from New York to New York. 590 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:50,760 She should be remembered for campaigns against bad landlords, 591 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:53,080 injustice, injustice to women in prisons 592 00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:56,880 and, most amazingly, she managed to smuggle herself into an insane asylum 593 00:35:56,880 --> 00:36:01,880 and wrote an extraordinary report about the unbelievable cruelty dealt to the mentally ill. 594 00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:07,120 It sounds like she managed to talk her way out of an insane asylum... 595 00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:11,880 - Good point! - ..with a story about being an investigative journalist. That is genius. 596 00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:13,440 In both cases, impressive. 597 00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:18,960 How can you tell which of these chicks is male and which is female? 598 00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:21,840 This must be... This must be... 599 00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:24,320 - I'm afraid not! - KLAXON WAILS 600 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:26,240 No. 601 00:36:26,240 --> 00:36:30,280 Had you said that in the 1920s, the answer would've been "nobody knows". 602 00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:33,200 But in 1929, the Japanese astonished the world 603 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:37,200 by revealing that they'd found a way to sex chicks. 604 00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:39,680 In other words, to determine their gender. 605 00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:43,040 It sounds... It sounds so wrong, doesn't it? 606 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:46,680 - "I know how to sex a chick!" - JIMMY: I can do that! 607 00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:49,200 It seems impossible with the naked eye to do it 608 00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:52,560 because you have to wait till they're six weeks old. 609 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:55,560 And in the egg-laying industry, that's a heck of a waste, 610 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:59,640 because the male chicks are of no use whatsoever to them. 611 00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:02,480 Gassed on the first day. Enjoy your eggs! 612 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:04,400 That's why... Good point! 613 00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:07,640 In 1927, at the World Poultry Congress in Ottawa, 614 00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:11,040 - this was announced... - The what?! - The World Poultry Congress. 615 00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:12,360 That's a lot of chickens. 616 00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:15,480 "Will the representative of Albania make himself known?" 617 00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:18,760 "Albanian chicken!" CLUCKING 618 00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:21,560 It's one of the biggest businesses in the world. 619 00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:24,360 The most popular bird we eat, then we eat their eggs. 620 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:26,840 And so there are World Poultry Congresses! 621 00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:31,160 We've all done corporate gigs. I imagine I did 20 minutes at the end. 622 00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:35,040 I once did Phillips Small Appliances. Sounds mad. 623 00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:39,560 - That poor boy! - It was a long time... - LAUGHTER 624 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:42,840 - It was a long time ago... - Leave his appliances alone! 625 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:47,520 - It was a long time ago... - Which is why I won't have him in the house any more! 626 00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:51,720 - How do you sex a chicken? - It's very complex, that's the point. 627 00:37:51,720 --> 00:37:55,440 And it's highly... No, we do know. It's highly paid. 628 00:37:55,440 --> 00:38:00,360 The discovery lowered the price of eggs worldwide overnight. 629 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,360 That's how important it was. 630 00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:05,240 The Zen-Nippon Chick Sexing School was founded. 631 00:38:05,240 --> 00:38:07,480 RAUCOUS LAUGHTER 632 00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:12,240 I know you're laughing, but it's true! It's true! 633 00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:15,080 You're looking at a graduate. 634 00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:18,080 And they taught their sexers in such a rigorous way 635 00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:22,440 that only five to ten percent of applicants received accreditation. 636 00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:25,840 When you passed, you were paid huge sums of money. 637 00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:30,320 - You are chick master! - Yes. Hundreds of dollars a day. It was a really big business. 638 00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:34,600 - It still is! - "Boy..." "How do you know?" "I know." 639 00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:38,760 - "You don't know. You pay." - LAUGHTER 640 00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:42,560 The best in the business can sex around 1,200 chicks an hour 641 00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:46,000 and there are some talented ones who can have one in each hand... 642 00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:48,200 "Boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, boy, boy, girl, 643 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:54,200 "girl, girl, boy, boy. Boy, girl, boy, girl. Boyyyy." 644 00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:57,360 - The point is... - LAUGHTER 645 00:38:57,360 --> 00:39:02,720 The point is, you go like that, and pop them in bins. Girl bin, boy bin. 646 00:39:02,720 --> 00:39:04,800 And you can do 1,200. 647 00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:08,560 - Is it to do with the weight? - No. They do a slight squeeze... 648 00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:11,320 - "A girl!" - You won't like this. 649 00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:16,320 - They do a slight squeeze... - And if they go, "Oww!" it's a girl. 650 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:17,920 And if they go... 651 00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:22,160 - That's naughty! - If they go, "Steady on, mate..." - It's a boy! 652 00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:27,040 They have a cloaca tract, which is their reproductive and excretory tract, 653 00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:31,240 and there is a slight difference in the ridges and bumps, the innies and outies. 654 00:39:31,240 --> 00:39:36,520 So you do a slight squeeze. If it's too big, you throttle them, or the outie becomes an innie. 655 00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:40,520 It's a real skill. It's something I vaguely knew about growing up in Norfolk, 656 00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:46,240 because in Norfolk there is a community of Vietnamese turkey sexers, who live... 657 00:39:46,240 --> 00:39:48,600 I know it sounds mad! 658 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:50,960 I can never watch Platoon again! 659 00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:53,680 You've ruined Apocalypse Now for me. 660 00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:56,880 - I'm sorry about that. - "What sex is chicken?! 661 00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:59,840 - "You tell me now!" - This is... 662 00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:03,240 - JIMMY LAUGHS - I know it sounds bonkers. 663 00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:07,320 They live in tunnels under the fence! 664 00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:13,120 - Not in the fence, it's in Norfolk, he said defensively. - I beg your pardon. 665 00:40:13,120 --> 00:40:15,800 - Tell me they work for Bernard, please! - Of course! 666 00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:18,920 Bernard Matthews is the largest employer. 667 00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:22,960 "Mr Matthew, this one bootiful!" LAUGHTER 668 00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:25,960 APPLAUSE 669 00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:30,600 All right. Chicken sexing is a fine art these days. 670 00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:36,120 The sun rises roughly in the east, as we know, and sets in the west. But what does the moon do? 671 00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:40,040 - What direction does the moon... - Which moon are we talking about? 672 00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:42,720 KLAXON WAILS 673 00:40:43,960 --> 00:40:46,640 - This show is getting tough. - Whoa! 674 00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:48,280 Wow! 675 00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:51,360 - It goes the other way. - The opposite direction? - Yes. 676 00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:56,880 - Actually... That isn't true, either. - KLAXON WAILS 677 00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:59,880 - No, it's the same. - It's the same. 678 00:40:59,880 --> 00:41:04,840 - "Are you sure?" - The same. - Correct! Well done! 679 00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:07,640 The moon rises in the east and sets in the west. 680 00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:12,880 Lastly, how many different species of mussel can you see here? 681 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:16,720 - Is this it? - Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! There you go. 682 00:41:16,720 --> 00:41:19,400 - "Nobody knows." - Jimmy got there first! 683 00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:23,120 - I just found it quicker than Phill. - It had to be! 684 00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:25,080 - Well done. - It's the last one. 685 00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:29,920 - It's almost impossible to identify... - Even themselves. - Yes. 686 00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:32,600 - Impossible to do or impossible to care? - Well...! 687 00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:38,600 Do you think they just go, "Shall we just boil these and eat them? Time's a-wasting." 688 00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:41,440 We used to think, by size and appearance, you could tell. 689 00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:46,680 We now find the genome tells us. Species we thought were different we've discovered are the same. 690 00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:50,480 And conversely, species we thought were the same are different. 691 00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:57,440 So, which nation are secretly training their citizens to be able to tell what species of mussel... 692 00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:02,520 - Do the Albanians have mussel ninjas? - It is almost certainly the Albanians, you're right. 693 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:07,320 But the time has finally come to act decisively and declare tonight's winner. 694 00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:10,920 It's very exciting. Yes, indeed. 695 00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:13,760 Let's... Well, let's start at the top. 696 00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:16,520 With a fantastic result, 697 00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:19,280 our winner with a clear plus-10 points is Phill Jupitus! 698 00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:22,520 APPLAUSE 699 00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:25,200 I don't know how that happened. I never know how that happens. 700 00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:30,880 In a rather surprising second place, with four points, it's the audience! 701 00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:35,600 Congratulations! 702 00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:38,520 Very impressive! 703 00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:42,680 That puts Jimmy, who would otherwise have come second, 704 00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:46,360 - in third place with minus one. - APPLAUSE 705 00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:52,680 And in fourth place with minus two, Rich Hall! 706 00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:55,800 APPLAUSE 707 00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:59,800 But, erm, it still doesn't stop Alan from coming last, I fear, 708 00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:03,320 - with minus 14! - APPLAUSE 709 00:43:03,320 --> 00:43:06,520 END-OF-SHOW JINGLE 710 00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:12,360 So, thanks to Rich, Jimmy, Phill and Alan. 711 00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:16,680 I leave you with this tale of choice in Soviet Russia from comedian Yakov Smirnoff. 712 00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:21,160 "In Russia, we had only two channels. Channel One was propaganda. 713 00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:24,560 "Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you, 714 00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:27,080 "'Turn back at once to Channel One.'" 715 00:43:27,080 --> 00:43:31,560 - Thank you and goodnight. - CHEERING 716 00:43:32,920 --> 00:43:36,960 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 717 00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:41,000 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk