1 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:25,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,800 Well! 3 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:34,560 Goooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 4 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:40,280 And welcome to QI for a show that's all about insects and other invertebrates. 5 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:43,040 Let me introduce our completely spineless panel. 6 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:47,280 - Busy as a bee, Jimmy Carr. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:53,320 - Snug as a bug, Sarah Millican. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:55,400 --> 00:01:00,240 - Knee-high to a grasshopper, Johnny Vegas. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:09,200 - And banging his head fruitlessly against a window, Alan Davies. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:15,320 So before we begin, we should hear your buzzes. Jimmy goes... 11 00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:18,800 - FLY BUZZING - Ooh, it's annoying. 12 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:23,200 - Sarah goes... - CRICKETS CHIRP Aw! 13 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:28,240 - Johnny goes... - MOSQUITO BUZZES / LAUGHTER 14 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,800 - And Alan goes... - MOSQUITO BUZZES 15 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,040 SPLATTING 16 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:39,800 Now, don't forget, there are some questions to which nobody knows the answer. 17 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,800 - FANFARE - 'Nobody knows!' 18 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:47,320 If you play your joker to a question to which nobody knows the answer you get extra points. 19 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:51,160 - If you use it at the wrong time, you look like a bit of a tit. - LAUGHTER 20 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,800 - So, to question one. - Right. 21 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,600 - LAUGHTER - What's the point? 22 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,640 - LAUGHTER - Aw! 23 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:02,800 What do bees do better than dogs? 24 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,760 - BUZZER - Yes, Jimmy. 25 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,040 Make honey. LAUGHTER 26 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,880 That's probably true, I have to say. 27 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:15,120 Probably true! You're giving me probably on making honey. 28 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:17,600 OK, if that's the way you want to play it. 29 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:23,760 - I'll give you that one. - Thank you very much. I'm already in the lead. LAUGHTER 30 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:29,160 They're better at sneaking up on you than dogs are. You'd never know if a bee had sniffed your crotch. 31 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:31,800 - LAUGHTER - Well, you might not. 32 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:36,280 - There'd be a buzzing noise. But oddly enough, you used the word there... - Is it crotch? 33 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:39,440 - LAUGHTER - No. 34 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:42,680 - Sniffing? - Sniffing. We use dogs to sniff, 35 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,000 - to sniff in customs and for security... - Sniffer bees! 36 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:49,080 ..for explosives and drugs. 37 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:52,640 It takes a dog about three months at least to be trained 38 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:56,160 to be a sniffer dog. It takes a bee ten minutes. 39 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,400 All you have to do is put it in a box, 40 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:04,240 add the smell and some sugar simultaneously, do that a few times, 41 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:10,720 and it will instantly associate that smell with sugar and a reward and next time it comes across the smell, 42 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:15,560 its proboscis will come out and if you set it all up right, it will cause an alarm. 43 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:19,360 - So why aren't we in airports killing bees, then? - It's beginning to happen. 44 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:22,920 Unless drug dealers have an allergy to stings, 45 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:26,280 I can't see them being pinned up against the wall by a policeman... 46 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:31,600 - LAUGHTER - ..with a bee on a bit of kite twine. 47 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,200 There's a company called Inscentinel which has developed this 48 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:40,200 and it is beginning to be used by the military and airports and various others. 49 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:43,560 You pop a bee in a little box and you train it. 50 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:47,960 - That's not a little box, that's like the worst rucksack ever invented. - LAUGHTER 51 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:52,880 What if they like savoury stuff? What if they haven't got much of a sweet tooth? 52 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:56,600 The great thing about bees is they only like sugar. 53 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:02,200 There may be a rogue bee that likes meat or salami, and that would be useless. 54 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:06,120 - Pasties? - Pasties. - He wouldn't be able to do that as a job. - A Cornish bee. 55 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:10,320 - LAUGHTER - You shove a few in a box 56 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:14,200 and then waft them near the thing you want them to check, there it is. 57 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:19,760 That's not a bad idea cos that's the old joke about the best way to smuggle drugs being in a dog's bum. 58 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:24,520 Because when the sniffer dogs come through... LAUGHTER 59 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:29,520 ..as soon as the dog sniffs, you just go, "Come here, you! Naughty little thing." 60 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:33,480 - But with bees, how much could you get in a bee's bum? Very little. - Very little. 61 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:36,120 My dad once punched a bee. 62 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:41,360 - Punched a bee? - Yeah, it went for him, and it was huge, so he just punched it. 63 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:46,320 He said it was like a velvet tennis ball. LAUGHTER 64 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,600 A rather beautiful phrase, velvet tennis balls of the sky. 65 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:54,040 I like that he was thinking of such poetic things when he was punching a bee. 66 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:58,840 - Bees are valuable and they are in trouble. There seems to be... - That one was. 67 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,800 - LAUGHTER - I'm going to offer you a reward. 68 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:06,320 I've got a plate here of insect-related foods, Sarah, 69 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:10,720 and you can choose your reward. This is a lolly which has got ants in it. 70 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:15,000 This is a scorpion brittle, like a peanut brittle, only with a scorpion in it. 71 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:19,840 I don't know if you can see it. Or just some dried bugs here. Would you like one of those? 72 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:22,560 And where is the treat part? LAUGHTER 73 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:25,600 - Chocolate ant, would you like a chocolate ant? - I'll suck it. 74 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,760 - Would you? - No. LAUGHTER 75 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:34,040 - Are you going to risk any of these? - Erm, I'll have a look at them. - If I had a chocolate ant, would you? 76 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:40,040 - Er, I'll let you go first. - I've eaten it. There it is. - I'm not really bothered, to be honest with you. - Ah! 77 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:43,960 - LAUGHTER - You made me eat it! - APPLAUSE 78 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:51,520 - Well, I want more bravery, because these are treats. - I don't even eat brown bread. 79 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,800 Don't give things like that to us. 80 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:59,800 - You think of brown bread as being some sort of strange life form that's... - Well, it's unnecessary. 81 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:04,600 - LAUGHTER - If that's a new range of pick 'n' mix, no wonder Woolies went under. 82 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:08,920 - LAUGHTER - It may well be the world is going to turn towards this kind of food 83 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:14,440 because 2.5 billion of the world's population already regularly eat insects. 84 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,360 Is that just by mistake when you're on a bike? LAUGHTER 85 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:22,480 These are treats and it may well be that it will solve the problem. 86 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:25,360 By the year 2030, they reckon there will be 87 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,640 such a shortage of protein on the planet 88 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:33,480 that there will be a genuine problem of starvation. There's already a problem with starvation 89 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:37,000 but it will multiply enormously as the population increases. 90 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,920 And insects and other invertebrates may be the answer. 91 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:44,040 - Spider is genius. Like chicken legs but they have loads of them. - Yes! 92 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:48,560 What do you think are the advantages of eating and breeding insects for food? 93 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:52,480 - You get to pretend to be a giant. - LAUGHTER 94 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:55,320 A giant of commerce. 95 00:06:55,320 --> 00:07:00,480 And you can train them all to come and exercise in front of you and get them to build tiny cars. 96 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:05,760 - LAUGHTER - Well, there is that. - And I'll say, "Call me Johnny Nissan!" 97 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:11,920 - LAUGHTER - In the wild, when they lay eggs, they lay billions. - That's right. 98 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:16,080 Only a few of them survive. But if you've got them, you can have all billion of them. 99 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,280 Yeah, exactly. And they need far less feed than cattle. 100 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,720 They produce far less noxious gas than cattle. 101 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:29,520 - But how would you contain the insect equivalent of foot-and-mouth? - LAUGHTER 102 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:35,000 - That would be a problem. - "Have you been near a fly?" "Yes." "Leave the airport." 103 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:39,520 If you're trying to get this as an idea, this could solve starvation, 104 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:44,360 could you maybe pick a picture of a guy that looks less nuts? LAUGHTER 105 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:48,840 If you're trying to market it, if he's meant to be Captain Birdseye of the insect world, 106 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:52,320 he couldn't look any creepier. LAUGHTER 107 00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:55,960 He looks as if he's auditioning to play the master in the original Dr Who. 108 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,640 - Even the frame in the picture looks like he's about to black out. - LAUGHTER 109 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:03,720 - And the spider. - "They're good for you." 110 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:06,240 HE MOANS 111 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:10,080 "My vocal chords are swelling up." 112 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:15,520 - There is no reason not to eat them. - "I expect you to die, Mr Bond." - LAUGHTER 113 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:22,480 - Sorry. - Shrimp is essentially the same thing. It's just in the sea. That one is on land. - Exactly. 114 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:27,200 - They are delicious. - We eat shrimp if there's a special on at Iceland. - LAUGHTER 115 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,880 - STEPHEN COUGHS - Excuse me. - Take a moment. 116 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:34,520 - It may be that ant. - It's the ant! - LAUGHTER 117 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:43,040 Oh, no, they're delicious, they could solve the problems of starvation...by killing us all. 118 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:46,200 - LAUGHTER - I have got a problem in my throat. 119 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:52,360 Look at that man looming over you going, "At last, I got you, Fry." 120 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:57,280 - Maybe that was a mistake. - There's one brave ant. "We're going to cover you in chocolate, 121 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:02,080 "we'll put you in front of Stephen Fry, you're going to go down there and sort things out." 122 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:06,040 - "Once you're inside, release it." - I've eaten those. 123 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:09,680 They've got a terrible bitter aftertaste, the smoked insects, 124 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,760 the little ants. I had them at Bug World in Liverpool. 125 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,960 Were you supposed to eat them? Cos isn't that like a zoo? 126 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:21,640 Is it shut now because you ate everything? LAUGHTER 127 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:26,640 - That giant snail was a mistake. - LAUGHTER - It looked like a burger. 128 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:34,560 - Oh! - You're offered a bit at the end. But then you're not meant to go back on a frenzy and break the others. 129 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:37,080 Just with a different hat on every time. 130 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:42,960 I like a zoo where there's a buffet on the way out. Panda burger anyone? LAUGHTER 131 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,960 Go to the Natural History Museum just lifting the cases. 132 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,960 LAUGHTER 133 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:57,160 I've also got acid reflux, I have to say. One little ant. 134 00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:00,760 Here am I supposed to be advertising it as the future of humanity, 135 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:04,880 - and I have to say, I feel like shit at the moment. - LAUGHTER 136 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:10,480 - That has not gone down well. - APPLAUSE 137 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:15,560 The meat marketing board are watching this at the moment going, "Die! Die!" 138 00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:20,240 - LAUGHTER - Talking of bees and dogs, 139 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:25,640 do you know the premier site on the internet for dogs that are dressed as bees? 140 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:30,160 LAUGHTER The best one? My favourite or the most popular one? 141 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:34,320 LAUGHTER It's beedogs.com. 142 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:38,560 Can you imagine a bee flying back and going, "I've found the queen!" 143 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:41,960 - LAUGHTER - "I've found the mother of all queens!" 144 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:46,640 I've got a little extra question for you. I was going to offer you a reward of a chocolate ant, 145 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:51,520 but I suspect there'd be no takers. I think I've got a leg stuck between my teeth. 146 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:55,440 - There are hundreds of ants coming across the studio floor. - LAUGHTER 147 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:59,160 How can you tell if your dog has a guilty conscience? 148 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:04,240 Is there a particular... Aww. Look at that boxer. 149 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,440 - Is it that your slippers are full? - Your slippers are full? 150 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:11,480 - I was trying to put it in a nice way. Of shit. - I know what you mean. - LAUGHTER 151 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,560 I know what you're saying. 152 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,760 I think they go in the opposite direction. 153 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:19,440 What a dog does with a guilty conscience is make a massive fuss of you. 154 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,640 - Ah, very interesting. - More than usual. 155 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:25,640 - To try and make you love it and to make up... - I thought that was husbands. 156 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:29,640 LAUGHTER When you say a guilty conscience, do they have a... 157 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:33,680 That's a point. The answer should've been nobody knows. The people who own dogs 158 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:39,360 think they can recognise a guilty look in their dog, but they've done a number of tests 159 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:43,480 in which they have told their owner their dog has done this particular thing 160 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:49,040 and the owner has said, "Oh, yes, that's its guilty look, I recognise that" and it hasn't done anything. 161 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:54,120 It's all in the mind of the owner. I've still got a little scaly something in the back of my throat. 162 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:59,520 - Have a bit of scorpion brittle to take it away. - Take the edge off, yeah. 163 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,480 I was so looking forward to being brave and butch and taking this insect. 164 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:08,480 Revolting! There it is. Oh, a little wing casing or something. 165 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,360 - AUDIENCE: Ohhh! - Very unpleasant. 166 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:14,000 Dogs can identify guilt in people. 167 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:17,440 - Yes, can they? They probably can. - Yeah, they can. 168 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:21,600 - If you come in... - Certainly in airports, but bees are better at it. LAUGHTER 169 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:26,960 That's very good. Now, why aren't there any vegan Venus flytraps? 170 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:32,480 - Yes, Sarah? - Maybe there are, but people don't invite them round for dinner 171 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:37,280 cos it's too complicated. LAUGHTER 172 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:40,920 That's a very good answer. Would you like a reward? 173 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,320 No, thank you. LAUGHTER 174 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,960 - Ohh. - Vegan? - Yes. 175 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,440 - Are you all right? - No, I'm not all right. 176 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,760 Suppose a leaf fell in, why don't they eat the leaf? 177 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:54,480 Cos hasn't it got... I had one of these when I was a kid. 178 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:58,440 - Hasn't it got to hit two of them within a certain time frame? - Absolutely right. 179 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:02,040 They have a sort of time system on these tiny hairs, 180 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,520 you can see it here. Poor little thing. 181 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,880 - And then it just does another movement and bang. - Ooh. 182 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:11,360 - And it is really... - Do you know what the coolest thing about them is? 183 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,760 When that closes, that bit there is the stomach. 184 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,240 It just closes really tight and then that becomes the stomach. 185 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,720 And all the digestive juices absorb the little animal. 186 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:26,480 It has a design fault, then. If you were one of those plants and you were starving 187 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:31,640 - but you had a mouthful of lettuce... - Yes. - ..it would never know. 188 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:36,880 - No. - It would starve to death rather than eat a salad. - Exactly. 189 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:39,200 - LAUGHTER - Because the salad didn't move 190 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:43,120 - in the right way. - You have so much in common with these. LAUGHTER 191 00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:49,840 - If you fell asleep next to one of them for long enough... - Yes? 192 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:53,000 ..and it closed on your finger, 193 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,280 would it be able to digest part of your finger? 194 00:13:56,280 --> 00:14:00,720 I'm going to send you one and you will do the experiment. 195 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:04,640 - LAUGHTER - And let us know. You could try your knob, as well. It'd be funnier. 196 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:08,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 197 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:12,120 - In the cause of science. - I couldn't... - APPLAUSE 198 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:17,040 - It would be a penis flytrap then. - Aww! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 199 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:22,360 - Well, we'll see. - You're considering it. - Yeah. - LAUGHTER 200 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:25,920 There are other exciting ways of catching insects. 201 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:31,360 - You know the South American bolas, like a sling that you swing round? - Yeah. 202 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:34,960 There's a spider that does the same thing to catch insects. 203 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,520 There, look at that. It's very clever. 204 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,880 - It swings this... - That's not real, it's just a drawing. 205 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:45,360 - LAUGHTER - I admit, we don't actually have a photo of it. 206 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:49,960 I'll tell you why you don't have a photo. Because you made it up. It's not even a good picture. 207 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,160 That isn't even a good spider. It's a heart-shaped thing. 208 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:58,600 You started off doing a heart, it was probably a love letter, then you went, "I'll put some legs on it". 209 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:04,200 I'm very sorry. But do look it up on the net. I'm sure you'll find a photograph. The bolas spider. 210 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:08,560 - And he's doing this, is he? - He makes a sort of lasso. - He lassos the insect 211 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:12,360 - and then he does... - He goes, "Yee-hah!" - LAUGHTER 212 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:18,280 - It does seem crazy, but nature is crazy. - And then he drinks in a saloon. - Yes. 213 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,800 What's the best way to charm a worm? 214 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,960 There's a worm. How would you charm a worm? 215 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,960 You tap, don't you? Because when it rains, they come up. 216 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:33,240 Birds do that when they jump up and down, they make a noise like rain and they come up. 217 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:37,440 Yes, actually, what they think is that there is a mole nearby. 218 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:42,480 And the earthworm's way of escaping is to come to the surface, because moles don't come up. 219 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:47,920 - Are they not friends? I imagine they would be friends. - No, Moley and Wormy, not friends. 220 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:54,240 - Moley eaty Wormy. - I'm going to stop you there, because in my mind, they are quite good friends. - Aww. 221 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:57,720 They live underground and they have a terrific old time. 222 00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,560 Could you charm a worm with a tiny flute? 223 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:05,560 Well, it's good you should say this because worm charming is a big, I won't say industry, 224 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:10,520 but it is a big pastime, both in America and in this country. There is the commercial side of it. 225 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:16,480 - Erm, because... - Oh, for God's sake! - I know. - LAUGHTER 226 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:19,920 - I know you've got your "get a life" look on. - LAUGHTER 227 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,840 - And I do know what you mean, but... - I really have. 228 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:29,360 There's nothing that discernable, is there? When you go, "Hi, you've got lovely..." 229 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:34,360 - Oh, you mean charming them in that sense. - No eyes. - They have a little saddle, that can be attractive. 230 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:39,120 - But that's that myth, that that's where they've been cut in half. - Oh, I see, and re-grown. Yes. 231 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:45,400 - Something happened between... - You can chop them in half. You can do it with any animal. - Yeah, but they... 232 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,880 - LAUGHTER - They don't join back together. 233 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:52,280 No, they can't. It's a myth. But in America they call it grunting, worm charming, 234 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:56,360 and it's reasonably big business because Americans love to fish, 235 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:59,720 and obviously bait shops need worms as well as maggots as... 236 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:03,400 - The girl in the foreground is tapping the ground with flip-flops. - She is. 237 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:07,040 - She's got flip-flops on so she's taken extra flip-flops. - LAUGHTER 238 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:12,840 - She's only done it to annoy you. - It looks like a car boot sale where everyone forgot the cars. 239 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:16,840 - LAUGHTER - They've been Photoshopped out of the picture. 240 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:21,600 - APPLAUSE - It does rather, doesn't it? 241 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:25,240 - What it is, in Britain, the sport, if I can call it that... - You may not! 242 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,480 ..involves dozens of competitors. Oh, my God! 243 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:31,720 - Is that a worm on her T-shirt? - She has a worm on her shirt! 244 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:35,480 - I don't know if that's a worm. I don't think we should look at that. - Oh, dear. 245 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:39,640 - You have to lure as many worms... - Ken Dodd on the right. - ..as you can in 30 minutes. 246 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:44,320 - With a recorder? - Well, with anything you choose. You can just tap... 247 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,440 And why the time constraint, is that because you're out on day release? 248 00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:52,080 - LAUGHTER - Possibly. The low point was in Woodhall. 249 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:58,280 The Woodhall worm charming festival in Lincolnshire, none of the entrants in August 2010 250 00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:04,640 - managed to lure a single worm. - This is the worm-charming festival, isn't it? 251 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,200 Were those people inside at the time, were they in a building? 252 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:12,360 Yeah, it was raining, they had to do it in the church hall. 253 00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:17,840 - LAUGHTER - That would explain it. - I'm getting nothing. 254 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:20,440 LAUGHTER 255 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:25,160 How do they decide the winner if nobody actually lured any worms? 256 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:30,280 Well, a spokesman said they were all winners because they raised more than £200 257 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:35,440 for the Woodhall Spa Twinning Association. I don't know who Woodhall is twinned with. 258 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:39,160 I don't think it's twinned with anywhere. I think they had a suicide pact. 259 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:43,120 - LAUGHTER - Why has she got string on her fork? What's going on with these people? 260 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:49,200 That's her fork, like when you're at the airport, with your case going round, you put a ribbon on. 261 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:54,400 - At least when you go trainspotting, there are trains. - LAUGHTER 262 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:58,520 That's the best thing. The trainspotters are stood on the hill going, "Losers!" 263 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,840 - LAUGHTER - "Get a life!" 264 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:04,560 APPLAUSE 265 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:09,880 - Oh, dear. It's true. - "Keep digging, Cynthia, they're only jealous." - LAUGHTER 266 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:15,560 Well, the fact is, yes, you can vibrate worms to the surface by pretending to be a mole. 267 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:19,080 Now, when would you go out with a bucketful of ladybirds? 268 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:24,280 What about if you had a bit of spare time and your hobby was collecting ladybirds? 269 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:27,840 - LAUGHTER - Yes. - Would that work? - It might. But why do we like ladybirds? 270 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:33,920 - Don't they kill, er... - Greenfly. - Greenfly, yeah. They are very good pest controller animals. 271 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:38,600 - Are you sure they're not pests? I think they might be. - Well, they're a pest if you're an aphid. 272 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:41,800 - But... - I thought you said if you were an atheist. 273 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,520 LAUGHTER 274 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:48,320 That's a fantastic idea. 275 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,360 Those ladybirds, proving the existence of God again. 276 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:55,640 LAUGHTER There must be a god because they're so adorable. 277 00:19:55,640 --> 00:20:00,200 Well, they're sold on the internet to gardeners 278 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:05,880 - and the idea is that they help you with your aphid control problem. - So they're all alive in a bucket? 279 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:10,240 Yeah. There are all kinds of insects you can buy. I remember buying for a conservatory, 280 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,320 you can buy gall wasps, I think they were, 281 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:16,600 because there was some sort of pest I had in the conservatory. 282 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,560 Did they just ring the bell? Two wasps turned up? 283 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,600 LAUGHTER "We're here about the aphids." 284 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,200 LAUGHTER "Where do you want us?" 285 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:29,520 No, ladybirds are very helpful, obviously, but the problem with them is, 286 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,760 if you order them on the internet and you get a bucketful, 287 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,640 if you release them, they'll simply fly away. 288 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:40,000 So there's a secret to it. You release them at night cos they don't fly at night. 289 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,280 So you release them into your garden at night and they go to work. 290 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:47,520 Then during the day, they may fly away, but they may by then have eaten your aphids. 291 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:51,560 - Why don't they fly at night? - They prefer not to. - Can't see where they're going. 292 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:55,920 - We don't have an answer to that. - My mum used to be like that driving. Didn't like it. 293 00:20:55,920 --> 00:21:00,120 Why not just go through them individually and break a bit of wing? 294 00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:04,360 - LAUGHTER - And then keep them in your garden? - You do want them to fly a bit. 295 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:09,000 - Well, that's why I said break a bit. I didn't say snap both. - LAUGHTER 296 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:13,200 Break a bit so they can have a bit of aspirational flight, but they can't escape. 297 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:20,320 - That's cruel. - Well, I paid for them online. It's not like I go out picking on random ladybirds. 298 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,480 - Slavery is what it is. - Yes. - No, no, no. 299 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:26,120 What it is, it's about getting your money's worth. 300 00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:30,280 LAUGHTER A bucketful of ladybirds. 301 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:36,520 Now, how did the thing with the amazing eyes escape from the tank? Look at that. 302 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:40,680 It's known as a mantis shrimp, although it isn't a true shrimp. 303 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:44,800 - It's a crustacean. - It doesn't sound like anything. - It looks amazing, doesn't it? 304 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,960 Are those the eyes on the top? 305 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:51,520 The top bits are the eyes, which are extraordinary because they're divided into three. 306 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:56,080 - So they have three types of vision in each eye. Look at it. - Like bifocals? - Yes, they are. 307 00:21:56,080 --> 00:22:02,560 They've got two of these eyes, but even more than that, they have power that is almost beyond belief. 308 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:07,560 - They can cut through glass. - Hang on, this is sounding like Saturday morning kids' TV. 309 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:13,680 - Power beyond belief. - They do! It's extraordinary... - Is it the power of prayer, Stephen? Do they pray... 310 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:18,520 LAUGHTER Do they pray to get out of the tank to the little baby Jesus? 311 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,520 They're mantis shrimps, but not praying mantis shrimps. 312 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:24,440 Nice though, come on! LAUGHTER 313 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:31,120 They can accelerate, they can accelerate through the water at 10,000 times the force of gravity, 314 00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:36,640 which causes the water in front of them to boil. I know it sounds mad. 315 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:42,320 - That's how extraordinary they are. - It seems like a disadvantage cos when you stop, you're in boiling water. 316 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:46,960 LAUGHTER "I seem to have cooked myself." So they cook themselves? 317 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,400 They have this amazing power. 318 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:54,480 They have been known to break out of aquarium glass with one strike of their claw. 319 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:59,560 - They can actually break the glass and get out of their aquariums. - Have we got footage of this? 320 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:03,160 - I can show you one punching its prey. - It had better have a "Kapow!" 321 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:07,120 That's it on the left there. And this is obviously massively slowed down. 322 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:10,200 - And there it... Bang! - Ooh. 323 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,720 And that was a really... There you go... 324 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:20,200 - That is insect domestic violence. - LAUGHTER 325 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:23,360 It really is. They're very powerful creatures. 326 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:27,960 They have three sections of each eye. They can see ultra-violet, infrared, polarised, 327 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:31,920 and are the only creature on earth that can see circularly-polarised light. 328 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:35,760 - Does that mean they can watch Avatar without the glasses? - Yes. - LAUGHTER 329 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:40,400 That's exactly what it means, basically. They're very remarkable creatures. 330 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,480 - Where do they live? - Vietnam, that's where you find them. 331 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:49,000 - Would you like to see a shrimp on a running machine? - More than you know! LAUGHTER 332 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:53,720 - Take a look at this. - It's the Iceland research facility. 333 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:56,160 LAUGHTER 334 00:23:56,160 --> 00:24:01,960 - Aw! How good's that? - It's very good, isn't it? - They've not got it with a stop button. 335 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:07,040 No, I know, it doesn't have control. Do you know, they can go three hours before they get exhausted? 336 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:09,160 What has he got on the iPod? 337 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:13,760 - Yeah. - He does look much slimmer than he did at the beginning of the footage. 338 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:19,840 There are various excuses that scientists have given for why they're doing that to them. 339 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:21,880 Was it mainly boredom? LAUGHTER 340 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:28,560 I was kicked out of there for just breaking one wing on a ladybird, and look what they're doing. 341 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:32,600 Are they doing any research into Marie Rose sauce? LAUGHTER 342 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:35,360 Because you need the two together, in a wine glass. 343 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:39,200 It's like shrimp horse-jumping. When the white line comes round, it jumps. 344 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,280 - Oh, does it? Oh, yes! - LAUGHTER 345 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:45,000 - Oh! - Whey! - LAUGHTER 346 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,480 - And he's coming up here now on the third turn. - LAUGHTER 347 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:51,480 And he's looking strong. He's not looking bad. 348 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:54,360 - He's lost his jockey but he's still in the race. - LAUGHTER 349 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:59,520 The man responsible is called Professor David Scholnick of Pacific University in Oregon. 350 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,480 - He gives his name out? - Yes. - LAUGHTER 351 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:07,920 He said, "These studies will give us a better idea of how marine animals can perform in their native habitat 352 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:12,840 "when faced with increasing pathogens and immunological challenges". How I've no idea. 353 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:16,760 - We have to take his word for it. - I'm waiting to see a crab with some dumbbells. 354 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:20,960 LAUGHTER It is strange, when you look at that, 355 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:24,240 because the shrimp is an insect, but we quite happily eat that. 356 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,880 - Pick the legs off it, take the head off. - I know. And lobsters and things. 357 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:30,560 As you say, we'll happily eat them as a treat. 358 00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:34,120 - But these... Oh, God. - LAUGHTER 359 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:38,120 It's not done me any favours. And I felt so confident. 360 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:41,680 - I was going to have the scorpion, as well, but I'm not now. - LAUGHTER 361 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:47,680 - I'll have the scorpion. - Would you like the scorpion? - I'll have it. - Oh, my dear fellow. There you are. 362 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:52,200 - You mean you're going to take it... - I've had those. The aftertaste is just horrendous. 363 00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:54,520 It's there for hours. But I'll have that. 364 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:58,800 - Yeah? Are you going to eat it now in front of us? - If I put it all in my mouth, it might... 365 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,080 - I'll break it in half. - Good idea. 366 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:05,640 - Make it manageable. - Yep. - # Half the poison, half the fun 367 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,520 LAUGHTER 368 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,120 - Ready? - God, it... 369 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:14,000 LAUGHTER 370 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,880 - APPLAUSE - That's God telling me something, isn't it? 371 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:23,760 - Wow, that is one tough... - I think the scorpion might be alive. I think it might be like Han Solo. - Hey! 372 00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:28,320 - Not any more, it's not. - Erm... Tail end or front? 373 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:31,840 I would go for the front. The tail end might have a sting in it. 374 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,040 - Always ask a lady. - Hey! 375 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:38,280 - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Ohh! 376 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,720 James Carr! 377 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,800 Well, you could hardly break the thing, so... 378 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,040 - LAUGHTER - Come back in nine hours. 379 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:53,680 - LAUGHTER - Oh, you're having one, too! Good for you! 380 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,400 - Excellent. - I've been licking the brittle and I'll be there all night. 381 00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,760 - I was eating it like a Club biscuit. - LAUGHTER 382 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:04,720 - Licking all the chocolate off. - Is it quite sweet? It's basically sugar. - It's horrible. 383 00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:10,120 - I can't feel my toes. - Oh, dear. - LAUGHTER 384 00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:12,920 It's like hemlock. It just works all the way up. 385 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,440 It's like bonfire night with death. 386 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:18,880 - LAUGHTER - Go on, Sarah, you know you want to. 387 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:22,360 - You've got to be joking. - Have a lick anyway. 388 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:27,800 - Is this what you had, the chocolate ant? - Sarah, just think, what if we all develop superpowers as a result? 389 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,080 - LAUGHTER - Ohh! 390 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:32,640 - LAUGHTER - Ohhh... 391 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:35,320 - Alan had the ant. - How could you eat that? 392 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:40,880 - He has the power! - You saw what it did to me. - He has the power of nausea! 393 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:45,440 - LAUGHTER Ohh! - That is absolutely repellent. 394 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:49,120 - As soon as you break the chocolate, if whiffs. - I know, it's not nice. 395 00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:52,880 Something's happening. Something's happening! 396 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:56,080 - LAUGHTER - Whey! 397 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:58,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 398 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:01,840 - Oh, my word! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 399 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:07,720 - Something... - Power of the scorpion! 400 00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:14,200 LAUGHTER Can I ask, are scorpions known for forward rolls? 401 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:19,680 - LAUGHTER - Definitely. - Oh, yes, Sarah, you're showing your ignorance there. 402 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:24,840 - LAUGHTER - I've tried a scorpion and I've tried an ant. - Well done. - And that's it. 403 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,800 - All right. - That's like the start of a really bad musical. 404 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:31,640 BOTH: # I tried a scorpion, I tried an ant 405 00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:34,480 - # And that's it - LAUGHTER 406 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:37,800 - # Try a bug, try a bug, no - LAUGHTER 407 00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:42,680 - I mean... - # Now I'm an insect sycophant - LAUGHTER 408 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:47,640 - Have you had anything, Sarah? - No. - You should try an ant. - I think you should have an ant. 409 00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:51,000 - Well, you're not me mam, so... - LAUGHTER 410 00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:54,200 APPLAUSE 411 00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:58,640 You might all end up with superpowers, but you'll need somebody to save. 412 00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:02,640 - That's true. - No, we'll need somebody to push us round. - LAUGHTER 413 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:08,080 - We'll need some home help once we get our superpowers. We'll all be delirious. - That'll be champion. 414 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:12,080 - Oh, good. - Remember, never put anything in your mouth that hasn't been boiled. 415 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:14,880 I thought that was an old mother's thing. 416 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:19,160 My mam said you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. 417 00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:22,920 - LAUGHTER - That was my sex chat. 418 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,120 - That was your sex chat? - Yeah. 419 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:27,320 LAUGHTER 420 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:30,800 - She didn't mention your vagina, then? Just your mouth. - LAUGHTER 421 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:34,080 - Well... - LAUGHTER 422 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:37,360 - Oh, no! - LAUGHTER 423 00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:40,480 - I don't know what came over me. - APPLAUSE 424 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:43,880 - This is my first time on the show! - I know. 425 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:47,160 Don't make me put a scorpion up me nunny. 426 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:51,440 LAUGHTER Sarah, if you would just entertain... 427 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:54,200 I'm not saying now, I'm not saying now, 428 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:58,160 but if you did five minutes before an gynaecological appointment 429 00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:00,920 and you went, "I've got a bit of an itch..." 430 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:04,560 - LAUGHTER - You would be the subject of a medical paper 431 00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:07,160 that would be published around the world! 432 00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:09,640 - Wow. Fame. - You would be the miracle woman. 433 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:14,240 - Anyway... - That shrimp is now looking like it's going, "Hurry up". - LAUGHTER 434 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:18,960 - "Is there another round? Cos I don't think I've got another jump in me." - LAUGHTER 435 00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:22,000 Apparently it'll take him three hours to get exhausted. 436 00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:27,600 Anyway, from shrimp mills to ant mills. What does an ant mill do? 437 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:32,160 - Is it like ground ants? - Ground ants? 438 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:37,160 - Delicious. - Would you like some ground ant? - Do they make bread? - No. 439 00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:40,440 No, what happens is, occasionally they lose the pheromone trail 440 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:44,200 that the leaders have and they start following each other in a circle 441 00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:49,680 and the circle just goes round and round and round and round until they die. 442 00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:53,480 - They just get completely stuck. - What, like an ultimate conga? - Yes. 443 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:55,720 LAUGHTER 444 00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:58,800 HE SINGS CONGA 445 00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:00,920 I'm knackered! 446 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:05,560 There was one observed in the 1920s. It was 1,200 feet in circumference. 447 00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:10,120 It took two and a half hours for an ant to complete a whole circuit 448 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:14,160 and they were just going round and round and they just follow the one in front. 449 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:17,000 - Like dads at a wedding. - Yes! - LAUGHTER 450 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:19,520 If one of them was a bit down 451 00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:21,880 and wanted to take some others with it... 452 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:25,200 Yes! It could lead them on a false trail. 453 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:28,280 - Absolutely. - Cool. - Wouldn't that be beastly? 454 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:32,840 I've got a rule. If it comes in my house then I'm allowed to kill it. 455 00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:35,000 - Right. - Trespassing. 456 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:38,280 - So how many Jehovah's Witnesses have you... - LAUGHTER 457 00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:40,840 APPLAUSE 458 00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:46,480 - Yeah. You're laughing, but... - LAUGHTER 459 00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:49,080 - Yeah. Four. - Under the floorboards. 460 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:53,160 But if it's outside, I have to leave it alone, cos technically I'm in its house. 461 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:55,440 That's a rather sweet way of looking at it. 462 00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:59,280 Ants in an ant mill follow each other round in a circle until they died. 463 00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:03,400 Why shouldn't you breathe... Excuse me, what shouldn't you breathe in... 464 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:09,800 - What shouldn't you breathe in if you're a stink ant? - Is it your own... 465 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:13,280 - Your friend's anus. - LAUGHTER 466 00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:15,720 I think that's a general rule. 467 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,080 - You don't have to be a stink ant. - LAUGHTER 468 00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:20,480 It's a really weird life cycle, this. 469 00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:25,600 It's a really creepy and unpleasant life cycle that the stink ant is victim of. 470 00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:29,360 It spends its life in the rainforests of Cameroon 471 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:35,160 foraging on the ground, eating bits of leaf mould and generally having a perfectly reasonable life. 472 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:38,040 And way up in the canopy somewhere is this spore. 473 00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:44,800 And occasionally they go "Pssshhh!", a fungus, and millions of these things drop down. 474 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:49,240 And if the ant breathes it in, it eats the ant from inside 475 00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:52,800 and it starts with the brain and it sends the ant a bit mad. 476 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:56,160 And it does something that the ant would never otherwise do. 477 00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:58,440 It makes the ant climb the tree. 478 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:02,200 So the ant climbs the tree and it gets to a certain height 479 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:05,520 and it's kind of programmed its brain. It sounds insane. 480 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:09,640 The ant then puts its mandibles into the tree and waits to die 481 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:12,880 and then the spore keeps growing and growing 482 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:16,400 and it pushes a shoot out of what was once the brain of this poor ant, 483 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:18,800 it's eaten all its other soft parts, 484 00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:22,200 and this great shoot comes out which produces more spore 485 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:24,360 that drops down and drags up more ants. 486 00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:28,200 We've got a picture, just in case you don't believe me, of a poor ant... 487 00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:32,760 - You've done a picture of this happening. - This is a real thing. This is the ant climbing up, 488 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:36,280 looking a bit unfortunate. You'll be able to see, this is it here. 489 00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:40,920 It's been eaten from the inside and there is the spore growing out of what was once its brain. 490 00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:43,600 You can see, the rest of its body has been eaten. 491 00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:47,160 And that is... And there's that spore growing out 492 00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:51,160 and then it eventually stops and the whole thing starts again. 493 00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:55,200 - What a weird and cruel thing. Isn't it? - Aw, that's sad. 494 00:33:55,200 --> 00:34:00,360 It's like when people say, "There must be a god because of skylarks and water voles." 495 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:03,480 - You say, "Yeah, and because of that?" - LAUGHTER 496 00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:07,760 It's called cordyceps, this particular fungus, and that's its life cycle, 497 00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:10,360 basically to rain down onto the forest floor, 498 00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:15,120 get breathed in by an ant, make the ant go crazy and climb a tree and complete its cycle. 499 00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:18,240 Or to give it its human name, Special Brew. 500 00:34:18,240 --> 00:34:21,320 LAUGHTER 501 00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:26,520 That is a good visual representation of what the hangover's like off it. 502 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:30,320 - LAUGHTER - Ohh, what am I doing up a tree? 503 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:34,520 - LAUGHTER - Agh, my head feels like I'm growing spores! 504 00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:37,000 LAUGHTER 505 00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:42,160 - Imagine if it happened to people. - Oh, God. - To see someone, like, "Oh, no, he's going up a tree". 506 00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:45,080 - LAUGHTER - And all the soft tissues get eaten. 507 00:34:45,080 --> 00:34:49,000 You can see, it's not just the brain, it's all the bits lower down. 508 00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:52,640 - You'd just have to let them go. - I'd be really gutted if I breathed it in, 509 00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:56,400 didn't really climb the tree, fell off and just ended up with a bump. 510 00:34:56,400 --> 00:35:00,080 - LAUGHTER - Cos there wasn't enough material to feed off. 511 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:04,560 - Aww! - You just wake up and they go, "What's that?" and you go, "Oh, nothing". 512 00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:07,520 - LAUGHTER - There's plenty in there. 513 00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:11,520 And so to the inevitable backbone of QI, General Ignorance. 514 00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:16,320 Fingers on buzzers if you please. Name a vertebrate with no backbone. 515 00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:19,880 Nick Clegg. LAUGHTER 516 00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:23,480 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Whey! 517 00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:28,480 A popular answer. 518 00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:33,560 - Er... - A vertebrate without a backbone? - It seems an impossibility. 519 00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:39,080 - But there is something that is classified as a vertebrate that has no backbone. - Worms? - No, a big... 520 00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:44,000 - Like a whale or something? - Well, it's not a mammal. It is a fish, though. Big fish. 521 00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:49,040 - Eel. - Dolphin? - Er, a dolphin isn't really a fish, to be honest. 522 00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:52,240 - LAUGHTER Well, it looks like one. - It looks like one, I agree. 523 00:35:52,240 --> 00:35:57,040 - Stingray. - Well, stingrays and mantas don't have them, but it's the shark. 524 00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:59,440 Sharks are classified as vertebrates. 525 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:02,960 They neither have ribcages nor do they have backbones. 526 00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:07,920 They have things that look very like a backbone, but they're half the weight of bone, 527 00:36:07,920 --> 00:36:12,240 they're cartilaginous matter with connective tissue. You can see a cross-section. 528 00:36:12,240 --> 00:36:15,960 - He doesn't look very happy. - No. It's a very cross section. 529 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:22,400 LAUGHTER You see the thing behind his eye going all the way back to his tail, 530 00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:25,480 along his back that looks like a bone? LAUGHTER 531 00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:32,080 - Yes. - I'm just saying... - I know. It's not actual bone, though. It's cartilaginous matter. 532 00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:35,200 Cartilage, as we would say in England. 533 00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:39,760 - LAUGHTER - That's all I have to say on that subject. So, there we are. - Fine. 534 00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:42,800 - Let that be an end to it! - Yes. - LAUGHTER 535 00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:47,080 What's the strongest creature for its weight in the world? 536 00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:51,080 - Is it Johnny? LAUGHTER - Geoff Capes. - Geoff Capes? 537 00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:55,320 There is a stronger man than Geoff Capes in the world at the moment. 538 00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:59,280 - Zydrunas Savickas, who can... - Can he pull a lorry along with his teeth? 539 00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:05,160 A 70-tonne plane. But that's only 411 times his own weight and it has to have wheels. 540 00:37:05,160 --> 00:37:10,000 This creature can pull a force equal to 100,000 times its body weight. 541 00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:12,920 When I say creature, I mean, it is a living thing, 542 00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:16,960 - but it's not even an insect, it's tinier. - Our old friend bacteria. 543 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:21,880 It's a bacterium. It's a bug in that sense. And it's not one you want to catch. 544 00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:26,200 It's one that would be most unwelcome in the trouser department. 545 00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:30,800 - Crab. - No, no, no, it's an actual bacterium, not an insect. 546 00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:36,280 - Gonorrhoea. - Gonorrhoea is the right answer. - The strongest thing in the world? - Yep, the gonorrhoea... 547 00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:38,520 - It pulls down your pants and... - LAUGHTER 548 00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:43,720 - Oh, that's your excuse for catching it. - Seriously, love, I didn't stand a chance. 549 00:37:43,720 --> 00:37:47,240 Stripped me bare! Do you know how strong they are? 550 00:37:47,240 --> 00:37:51,680 They have these bundles of long, thin, contractile filaments called pilis... 551 00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:55,280 - Why is all that toast on screen? - They use these to crawl 552 00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:59,440 and they can pull along 100,000 times their weight, which is a very small weight. 553 00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:02,000 Do you know what the cure for gonorrhoea used to be? 554 00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:06,800 - Er... - Yeah. They'd put a sort of umbrella up the urethra, 555 00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:10,840 press a button to open the umbrella inside the shaft and then pull out... 556 00:38:10,840 --> 00:38:14,800 - We've heard it all. We don't need to hear it. - I'd like to hear it. Tell us again. 557 00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:19,320 - LAUGHTER - You can only do it if they're in your house. 558 00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:22,680 If you had a particularly unsympathetic doctor, 559 00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:25,720 he'd then jump around the room going # I'm singing in the rain 560 00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:29,400 - LAUGHTER - Yes. 561 00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:31,960 And he'd splash in your own tears. 562 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:36,040 LAUGHTER They then cover it in chocolate and sell it as ants. 563 00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:39,760 - LAUGHTER - Oh, dear me. Yeah. 564 00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:44,880 That's enough of gonorrhoea, I feel. What do oystercatchers mainly eat? 565 00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:48,600 - BUZZER - Yes? - Oysters? 566 00:38:48,600 --> 00:38:51,880 - Ohh! - ALARM BLARES 567 00:38:51,880 --> 00:38:55,840 - They're just misnamed, oystercatchers. - What do they catch? 568 00:38:55,840 --> 00:38:59,200 - Is it other shellfish? - Yes. Cockles and mussels, mostly. 569 00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:02,600 - Are they not very good at catching oysters? - They just love a cockle. 570 00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:04,680 Who doesn't, pet? Who doesn't? LAUGHTER 571 00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:09,520 - Are they mainly cockneys? - A huge percentage of European ones are in Britain. 572 00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:14,600 And the amount they catch is astonishing. Each oystercatcher can get 500 cockles a day 573 00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:17,840 and given that half of the European population is in Britain, 574 00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:20,000 that's more than 300,000 birds, 575 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:24,720 that's a potential seasonal consumption of 8.9 million tonnes of cockles. 576 00:39:24,720 --> 00:39:27,880 - I love a cockle. - I love cockle. In vinegar. 577 00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:30,680 - With a stick. - Yep. That's it. Gorgeous. 578 00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:35,520 - From a man in a little mobile kiosk. - A little hint of grittiness sometimes. 579 00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:39,600 - Bit of vinegar. - Yep. Anyway, which animal has the most genes? 580 00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:42,040 - Des Lynam. - LAUGHTER 581 00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:44,720 Jeremy Clarkson. 582 00:39:44,720 --> 00:39:48,000 - ALARM BLARES - Ohh! 583 00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:50,320 APPLAUSE 584 00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:52,600 Ohh. 585 00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:55,120 That's unfortunate. 586 00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:58,760 It's to do with the age, it's not to do with the complexity. 587 00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:01,240 - It's Jeremy Clarkson, then. - LAUGHTER 588 00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:05,360 - Isn't it some plant that has loads more genes than us? - Yes. 589 00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:09,600 There are quite a few things that have more genes than us. The fruit fly has many more. 590 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:13,200 - This is a little water flea. - Don't they think that's because of the age? 591 00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:18,520 - It's just been around for so long, it's mutated all these different times? - 8,000 more genes than us. 592 00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:21,240 It's quite a lot. It doesn't do much. It lies around. 593 00:40:21,240 --> 00:40:26,320 - It carries its own umbrella. - LAUGHTER 594 00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:32,240 It's a very important part of the food chain in water. 595 00:40:32,240 --> 00:40:38,320 - It's eaten by fish and... - You can imagine the fish going, "Mm, taste those extra genes!" - Yes! 596 00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:42,840 Now, why are moths attracted to light? 597 00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:47,880 - FANFARE - 'Nobody knows!' - Oh, Alan! Well done! 598 00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:52,040 - You're good at this. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 599 00:40:53,680 --> 00:41:00,760 - Very good! - Well, I just feel that it would've come up, someone would've told me. 600 00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:03,280 Yes, you're right. There are various theories. 601 00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:07,560 One is that they're used to the moon and that other sources of light disorient it 602 00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:12,320 - and they use the moon for navigation and... - It does seem odd that they only come out at night. 603 00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:16,840 - If they saw the sun, they would love it. - Yes, you'd think! - It would be... LAUGHTER 604 00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:20,680 If they got up in the morning, they'd go, "Look at that!" 605 00:41:20,680 --> 00:41:23,560 - Cos the amount they love my bedside lamp... - Exactly. 606 00:41:23,560 --> 00:41:28,120 I mean, they love my beside lamp, but the sun is significantly bigger than my bedside lamp. 607 00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:31,240 Maybe that's why they don't, cos if they went for the sun, 608 00:41:31,240 --> 00:41:36,640 they would all just go for the sun and then fly into the atmosphere and that would be a disaster. 609 00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:40,760 Some people believe different sources of light confuse their navigation system 610 00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:44,320 and others think that the moth may think the light is the moon, 611 00:41:44,320 --> 00:41:48,320 others think the infrared spectrum from things like candles 612 00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:51,080 may contain a few of the same frequencies of light 613 00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:56,200 that are given off by a female moth's pheromones. But they're all theories. No-one really knows. 614 00:41:56,200 --> 00:42:02,920 I like their ambition. They think it's the moon and they go, "I could make it. Look at these. Come on!" 615 00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:07,120 If you try and catch one, if you're trying to kill it like I do, cos it's in the house, 616 00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:10,360 and then you turn the light off, I always feel really guilty 617 00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:13,200 - cos it's as if they go... - SHE SIGHS 618 00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:16,960 - LAUGHTER - So, nobody knows. 619 00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:23,760 And that mystery brings us to the eternal mystery of the scores and how fascinating they are. 620 00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:28,480 In a resolute last place with minus-24, it's Mr Jimmy Carr! 621 00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:32,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 622 00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:38,280 Almost teetering on the brink of plusness is Alan with minus-1! 623 00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:42,320 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Minus-1. 624 00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:49,800 And Sarah Millican's first performance has been astonishing with plus-2! 625 00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:52,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 626 00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:57,960 But tonight's winner with plus-4 is Johnny Vegas! 627 00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:01,680 - Yes! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 628 00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:08,840 Ohh! That's all from Jimmy, Johnny, Sarah, Alan and me, 629 00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:11,200 apart from this final word from Bill Vaughn. 630 00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:14,400 "We hope that when the insects do take over the world, 631 00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:20,120 "they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on our picnics." Good night. 632 00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:22,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 633 00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:28,720 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 634 00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:32,760 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 635 00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:32,840 .