1 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:26,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:32,480 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 3 00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:36,360 Welcome to QI, where tonight we'll be putting sliced bread to shame 4 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:40,400 and reinventing the wheel in a show all about inventions. 5 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,560 Joining me at the lab bench, 6 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:46,080 we have a world first, Nina Conti and Gran... 7 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,920 - Hello. - APPLAUSE 8 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:54,920 ..the peculiarly innovative Sean Lock... 9 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:02,480 ..the patently absurd Bill Bailey... 11 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:10,760 ..and I'm afraid it's back to the drawing board, Alan Davies. 13 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:12,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,360 Now, panel, 15 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:20,080 if you have any bright ideas you wish to share, 16 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,880 - activate the light bulb in front of you. Bill goes... - BELL 17 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,600 - ..Sean goes... - HIGHER-PITCHED BELL 18 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:30,000 - ..and Nina or Gran goes... - HIGHER-PITCHED BELL 19 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,120 - ..and Alan goes... - ELECTRIC CURRENT NOISE 20 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:34,960 Excellent. 21 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:39,000 - Er, so you've brought your grandmother with you. - "Hello". 22 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,360 Is she familiar with our rule we have in this series? 23 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:46,240 We have a "Don't know" rule. We have a 'Nobody Knows' rule. 24 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:49,480 - Right. - There's a joker you have, which is the 'Nobody Knows'... 25 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,800 TANNOY: Nobody knows! 26 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:55,560 There may be a question to which nobody actually knows the answer. 27 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:58,560 The answer is, nobody knows. Can she...? 28 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:02,480 - There you go, Gran. - "I can hold it." - Have you got it? - "It's a bit..." 29 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,880 - She's got a little bit of arthritis in the fingers. - "It's mesmerising." 30 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:09,760 - Do you want me to hold it for you? - "No, dear." - Oh, all right. 31 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:12,280 "Slap me on the bottom with it, dear. 32 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:17,280 - "I won't be like that, I'm just excited." - Fair enough. 33 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,160 Good. Now, my first question is, 34 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:23,880 why should you be glad that you didn't invent the flying car, 35 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,760 the parachute suit or the web rotary press? 36 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:32,080 I've got a feeling that the guy with the parachute suit, didn't he die? 37 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:33,480 He did. 38 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:36,760 Um...and then it does follow that they all died. 39 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:40,080 They were all killed by their own inventions. 40 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,120 The inventor of the web rotary press, for example, 41 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:47,080 which was a huge advance and revolutionised printing, 42 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:51,360 unfortunately the inventor fell into the works and got gummed up in them and died. 43 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,080 - Really? - Yeah. Very sad business. 44 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:57,760 But it did change printing. He was called William Bullock. 45 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,920 Which bit of it did he fall in? 46 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:03,280 Well, into the gearing. I can't imagine how he managed it. 47 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,640 A bloke the other day, he went through a machine, 48 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:09,000 and his whole body went through a tunnel the size of a CD 49 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:10,120 and he survived. 50 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:11,960 What?! 51 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,560 LAUGHTER 52 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:17,040 Was it Ronnie Corbett? LAUGHTER 53 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,800 Yeah. That would explain it. 54 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:24,120 No, his whole head went in, broke every bone in his body... 55 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,360 - But he did live? - He lived... - Wow! - ..to tell the tale. 56 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:30,960 Unfortunately, though, he is now in a redundant format. 57 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,160 LAUGHTER 58 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,600 APPLAUSE 59 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,400 Sad. 60 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,480 That was the fate of William Bullock. 61 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:45,840 When it comes to the parachute suit, it was a man called Franz Reichelt, who was an Austrian, 62 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:51,080 who was convinced he could jump off the Eiffel Tower, this was in 1912, wearing a parachute suit. 63 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,760 People warned him it was not a good idea, but he was utterly confident. 64 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:58,200 He ripped a page out of a book to test which way the wind was going 65 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,800 and his last words were, "A bientot." 66 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:03,480 Unfortunately, that was the instruction manual(!) 67 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,920 He jumped off and hit the ground a little bit too hard, 68 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,840 and was dead. 69 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,200 So that was not a good result. 70 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,760 That's not actually an invention, then, is it? 71 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:18,000 That's just a really stupid thing to do. 72 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,640 Yes. 73 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:23,040 Where's the grey area where inventions become...suicide? 74 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:26,480 It was a parachute suit that might have worked from higher up. 75 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:30,800 The principle behind it was sound - as we know from parachutes, they do work. 76 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:34,120 - But he just... - He invented jumping off things. 77 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,040 He invented jumping off things badly, yeah. 78 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:40,000 The flying car you ought to know about. 79 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,680 This was a Californian engineer called Henry Smolinski. 80 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,200 - Look at that. - "It's lovely. 81 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,240 "I can't fly or drive, though, 82 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:50,480 "because I can't see, because my eyes are marbles. 83 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:55,120 "But I can point where I want to go, look. There! 84 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,720 "Higher! There's buildings down there. 85 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:01,320 - "Hello." - Hello. 86 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:05,440 - "Pull my finger, dear." - OK. - "Nothing happened." 87 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,120 LAUGHTER 88 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,880 You've got a very, very warm finger there, Gran. 89 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,440 "Oh, no, don't say that, dear. 90 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:16,520 "It'll draw attention to it. Where it's been." 91 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,440 All right, thank you! Thank you! 92 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,640 Thank you, Gran. 93 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,720 On the face of it, it's rather a marvellous idea. 94 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:28,360 Smolinski's idea was that you drove to an airport, you collected the wings, 95 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,480 you'd fly 500 miles-odd to the next city, 96 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,760 where you'd take the wings off and you would drive off again. 97 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,760 And it worked really well. 98 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:39,160 Then in 1973, he was on a flight and one of the struts broke 99 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,400 and he and his co-pilot plunged to their death. 100 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:45,520 The idea was never thought of again. I think it should be brought back. 101 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,120 I thought he would have died when he was in the air 102 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,720 and he got up to go around with the drinks trolley. 103 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,280 LAUGHTER 104 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:57,840 - It's simple. It worked with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. - Yes. 105 00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:00,400 Did they have two sets of controls? 106 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,680 - You've asked an intelligent question. - Extraordinary(!) 107 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,080 - Hooray! - APPLAUSE 108 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,600 Joysticks, and it turns over like in Thunderbirds? 109 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,240 Was it a big switch - "Plane", "Car"? 110 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:20,080 The car steering was modified so you could fly from the driver's seat, 111 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,280 so it was pretty much all in one. 112 00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:25,400 - So you could steer it with the steering wheel? - Yes. 113 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:29,160 - I'd love one of those, wouldn't you? - I'd love one too. 114 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,960 - "Difficult to park, dear." - I think it's a brilliant idea. 115 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,600 - I don't like flying. - Don't you? - No. 116 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:39,360 But I was bought a flying lesson for my 40th birthday. 117 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:43,000 My entire family clubbed together and bought me a flying lesson. 118 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,280 It was £99. 119 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,400 Your entire family spent £99 on you? 120 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:52,880 Yeah, on my 40th, so I was in quite a bad mood when I turned up. 121 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,360 Especially as there's 99 of them. 122 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,760 LAUGHTER 123 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:02,280 "I have to stay in overhead compartment, don't I, dear?" Yes. 124 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:06,720 - Oh, that's a bit mean. - "No nuts." 125 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:09,520 You have to open the compartment slowly in case you fall out? 126 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:13,280 - "I'll fall out and hurt someone, yes, it's tragic." - It is tragic. 127 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,560 "But I'll keep going. Happy days." 128 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,800 Are you allowed to use the loo? 129 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:21,360 "No, I don't have any bodily functions, dear. 130 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:25,240 "I just sit there for comfort, but nothing happens." 131 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,160 LAUGHTER 132 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,760 Too much information, Gran. 133 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,560 There are all these other grans in the overhead compartments, 134 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:36,800 crawling about during the flight! 135 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:41,320 I don't know why you go on the plane. Why don't you just post yourself? 136 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,080 LAUGHTER 137 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,920 "It's expensive, dear. I'm heavy." That's not true. 138 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,360 I lost her once on a plane, an airline, 139 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:51,640 which for legal reasons I'm not supposed to name. 140 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,160 - "Ryanair." - LAUGHTER 141 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:58,080 - APPLAUSE - She's fab! 142 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:05,640 Did you have to pay an extra seat for her or an extra cabin area? 143 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,200 "No, unfortunately she's a cheapskate." 144 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,320 That's why I... I don't know. 145 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:13,720 She's a bit big for hand luggage, so it's a dilemma. 146 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,440 "It's always a risk. 147 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:18,080 "Would you put your granny in the hold, dear?" 148 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,400 No, I wouldn't. 149 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,760 I have a friend who has one of those micro pigs, 150 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:29,080 and she puts the pig in hand luggage in the cabin without telling them. 151 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,720 - It's only a pig, isn't it? - It's one of those tiny pigs. 152 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,520 Are they easy to look after? My wife would love one of those. 153 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,760 You can grow them in special tubes, 154 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:42,520 so they're triangular and they'll fit in a Toblerone box. 155 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:47,200 - Well, somebody... - Is that a Toblerone? "Oink!" No. 156 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:51,280 Sometimes they grow and grow, and basically you've got a huge pig. 157 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,200 You've just got an actual pig. 158 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,880 What you bought was a piglet. 159 00:08:55,880 --> 00:09:00,200 Imagine being conned by a pig salesman! 160 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,840 It's called buying a pig in a poke. It's a phrase for it. 161 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:07,920 - Pig salesmen used to be dishonest. - "Can you say that, Nina?" 162 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,840 What, pig in a poke? "Can I say that?" 163 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,520 Go on, say, "Pig in a poke." 164 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,200 "That's a challenge to a ventriloquist." 165 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,640 - If I say pig in a poke, it's fine. - You say it, Gran. 166 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,440 - "No." - AUDIENCE: Ooh! 167 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,480 - Go on, Gran. "Pig in a poke." - APPLAUSE 168 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,840 That was impressive! 169 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:31,760 - How do they do that? - How do they do that? - I didn't know it meant that. 170 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:33,840 A pig in a poke? What's a poke, then? 171 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,080 A poke is a sack. A pocket is a small poke. 172 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:40,320 - So you haven't seen the pig? - Exactly. - It could be a dog. 173 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:45,480 The point is all those inventions tragically killed their inventors. 174 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:49,520 Which well-known invention is the wickedness which lurks in the belly 175 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,560 and deserves to dwell in the cesspool? 176 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:58,040 The wickedness which lurks in the belly. 177 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:02,440 - Er... - Do you know... - Sunny Delight. 178 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:07,880 - "I know!" - Gran? - We know, because this...yes... 179 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,000 Um...I am a belly speaker. 180 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,000 You are a belly speaker. Ventriloquist. 181 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,960 That's it. You're a tummy speaker. 182 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,840 It was considered to be a possession by demons 183 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,840 if someone could have this voice come from their tummy - 184 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:24,480 it didn't seem to come out of their mouths - or throw their voice. 185 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:27,000 There was a Patriarch of Constantinople 186 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:28,480 by the name of Photius, 187 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:32,360 who once excommunicated the Pope, and he was the one... 188 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,240 There you are! Have a go. Have a go. 189 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,080 Oh, have we all got these? 190 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,680 - MUMBLING: - "Pig in a poke." 191 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:42,040 - APPLAUSE - I am very impressed. 192 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:47,160 - Here's one. - The weird thing is... - ELECTRIC CURRENT NOISE 193 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,240 That puppet is a ventriloquist, 194 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:52,480 and its lips didn't move when you said that, 195 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:56,440 so it's operating you, which is fantastic! 196 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,200 It really is a lot... 197 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,160 - MUMBLING: - "It really is a lot harder than it looks." 198 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:07,560 - "You've had a stroke, dear." - LAUGHTER 199 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:10,200 APPLAUSE 200 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,920 "He looks like ET." 201 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:17,440 - No, don't, Gran. - "I am Bogdan. 202 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,080 "I like you very much. 203 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,800 "You are attractive lady." 204 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:28,200 "If I start on you, you'll never see the light of day again." 205 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,760 "Come with me. I have Oyster Card." 206 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,840 LAUGHTER 207 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,880 - MUMBLING: - "Are you moving your lips?" 208 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,280 HE MUMBLES 209 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:45,040 HE MUMBLES 210 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,720 Sean, let's see if you can do any better. 211 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,640 - Are you hoping...? - I'm not moving my lips! 212 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:59,880 Oh, sorry, it's a left-handed puppet. Sorry! 213 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:04,480 HE GROANS 214 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,760 That's the only thing I tend to do is... HE GROANS 215 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,800 LAUGHTER 216 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,160 "Pieces of eight. Pieces of eight." 217 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,440 You don't actually have to stretch your mouth. 218 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:23,680 It's the only way I can do it! I can't do it any other way! 219 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,360 HE SCREAMS 220 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,480 - BELL - Hey! 221 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:36,040 "Oh, no!" 222 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,560 - Oh, I've broken it! - You have! 223 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,400 Oh! 224 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:46,120 - BELL - Oh, Bill Bailey! 225 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,080 "What the hell's he doing?" 226 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:53,320 0h, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! 227 00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:59,000 What a wretched disappointment to us all you are. 228 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,520 HE SOBS 229 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:07,960 I can't get the talking to... I can't get the talking to you. 230 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,760 - MUMBLING: - "You're an idiot." 231 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:12,800 It's very difficult. 232 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:16,280 You have to look like you're listening when you're talking. 233 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:19,560 - You look at her? - Yes, you have to look like you're listening 234 00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:22,080 when you are in fact talking. It's quite difficult. 235 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:25,320 "The first rule of show business, make everything look easy." Sorry. 236 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,760 - That's true. - "Not like this half-wit over here, 237 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,800 - "milking it for all it's worth." - LAUGHTER 238 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,040 APPLAUSE 239 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,920 I think...it doesn't matter if your lips move, because surely 240 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,200 this gives the game away. 241 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,240 LAUGHTER 242 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:45,840 In those circumstances, yes. 243 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:49,040 A stick here suggests it's not actually a real thing, 244 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:52,880 so it doesn't really matter whether my lips move, does it? 245 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:55,040 "I thought this was a highbrow show." 246 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:56,440 To make it highbrow... 247 00:13:56,440 --> 00:14:00,040 I'm sure you can help us, Nina, on the history of ventriloquism. 248 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,880 I know that it has a very dark history, 249 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:06,720 and that ventriloquists used to earn their living 250 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:10,320 as if their words were divine utterances. 251 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,120 - Yes, that's the point. - LAUGHTER 252 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,000 I'm so sorry. 253 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,760 I'm sorry. I was listening, but my hand came out of the top. 254 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,520 I shocked myself! 255 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:24,720 - That's very disturbing. - It is quite disturbing. 256 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,080 Really disturbing. 257 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,720 That's horrible. It looks like Alien. 258 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,520 HE SCREAMS 259 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:35,360 It looks like Lady Gaga's sleeves. 260 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,240 Well, you're absolutely right, 261 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:41,600 it was regarded as divine utterance, or demonic possession, in fact. 262 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:46,680 - And I know one woman died from her ventriloquism. - Who was that? 263 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:49,120 Um...but I don't know her name. I bet you do. 264 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:52,240 With her utterances, she was objecting to 265 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:55,640 - the marriage of Henry VIII... - To Anne Boleyn. 266 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,160 - To Anne Boleyn. - Her name was Elizabeth Barton, 267 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:00,280 and she was known as the Holy Maid of Kent. 268 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,640 She was a very good ventriloquist, and these voices would come 269 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,120 without her mouth moving as if from her stomach. 270 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,600 - "Nice tits, too." - LAUGHTER 271 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:12,920 She became very popular until she started to say... 272 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,480 - Look at the bloke looking at her tits as well! - LAUGHTER 273 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:24,280 "You've got yours out as well tonight. 274 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:28,280 "Is that to distract from the lip movement?" 275 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:31,120 She was very popular until she said that 276 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:34,080 if Henry VIII married Anne Boleyn, he would be deposed. 277 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,120 Henry VIII didn't like that, so had her head chopped off. 278 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,320 Ironically, her head was put on top of a pole... 279 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:43,000 - And carried on talking! - It was quite a strange fate 280 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,960 for a ventriloquist to have their head stuck on a pole. 281 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,840 But she was indeed, she suffered for her art. 282 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:54,080 But in the 19th century it became known to be a piece of entertainment rather than demonic spirits. 283 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,800 But the first ventriloquists on stage didn't have dummies. 284 00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,320 What did they have? 285 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:02,320 They used to do things like voices inside suitcases. 286 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,360 And then ones who did chimney sweeps, 287 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,120 where there would be a chimney 288 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,920 and the sound of the chimney-sweep boy going up the chimney 289 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:12,000 and getting more smothered and quieter and distant as he went. 290 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,440 Huge rounds of applause. 291 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:19,080 But it was a man called Fred Russell who came up with his character, Costa Joe, one of the first dummies. 292 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,480 Was he blind? LAUGHTER 293 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,800 He made that one afternoon. 294 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,840 It's not the most beautiful object you've ever seen, is it? 295 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:30,000 But that's when the dummies became popular. 296 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,000 There were many, many famous acts. 297 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,760 Some of them, rather bizarrely, on radio. 298 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,400 - Educating Archie. - LAUGHTER 299 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,960 Educating Archie was one of the most successful 300 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,160 radio comedy shows in BBC radio history. 301 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,120 Peter Brough, there's Peter Brough, 302 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:47,280 there's Archie, and it was a radio show. 303 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,880 He had the puppet the whole time? He never even, 304 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,920 "What's the point with the puppet?" 305 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,800 It's the show that Tony Hancock first appeared on, in fact. 306 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:59,160 He made the mistake, Peter Brough, when television arrived, of appearing on television. 307 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:02,600 He just spoke like this while his puppet was talking. 308 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:06,520 He didn't even begin to venture towards ventriloquism. 309 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,680 "Nina is a ventriloquist, apparently." 310 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:13,160 - Nina, are you? - "I'm yet to see evidence of that." 311 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:17,480 But my mentor, Ken Campbell, who taught me ventriloquism, 312 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:22,240 he excited me by saying that people don't say the first thing 313 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:25,160 that comes into their head, they say the second thing, 314 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,480 and we are all barmier than we let it be known. 315 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:31,200 "Once your insanity starts to leak, they put you away." 316 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,960 But the ventriloquated doll can allow us access 317 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,120 to the madness of the ventriloquist. 318 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:39,160 It's a kind of Tourette's, almost. 319 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,880 "Licensed Tourette's, dear." 320 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,520 Licensed Tourette's. That's a very good thing. 321 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:46,560 Ken Campbell was one of the true great men of the 20th century, 322 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,200 as an entertainer, a director, 323 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,800 a show-maker, actor, comic and ventriloquist. 324 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,640 What happened to his dolls? 325 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,320 Oh, he bequeathed them to me in his will. 326 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:59,840 - "And I'm one of them, you see?" - Were you one of Ken Campbell's? 327 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,800 "I was one of his, yes, so I've been recycled." 328 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:06,200 - There is a doll heaven, isn't there? - There is a doll heaven. 329 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,480 - We've just made a film about this. - Have you? 330 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,480 When Ken left me his puppets in his will, 331 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,640 I found this place called Vent Haven in Kentucky 332 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,200 where dummies go to rest. There it is! 333 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,880 Aaaargh! 334 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,520 Aaaargh! 335 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:26,480 Aaaargh! You'd never stop screaming, would you? 336 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:33,920 - If you're a coulrophobe, you won't be... But that's right... - Aaaargh! 337 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:38,320 Over 700 ventriloquists who have died have bequeathed their puppets 338 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,600 to Vent Haven, Kentucky. 339 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,360 - Apart from Gran... - "No, I'm there, actually." 340 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:45,120 Who do you reckon has murdered the most? 341 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:50,360 You're thinking of Chucky in Child's Play, aren't you? 342 00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:55,000 Your classic puppet was a really big, round, blue-eyed sort of thing 343 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:59,480 with dark eyebrows and a very particular sort of look. 344 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:03,880 - Do you recognise what that still is from? - Magic. - The film Magic. 345 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,080 This story is the classic, 346 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:09,280 the ventriloquist who gets taken over, gets possessed. 347 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:13,000 Is there any truth in that? Do ventriloquists get slightly too close? 348 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,560 - Does Keith Harris get... - ORVILLE VOICE: - A bit too close to Orville? 349 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,560 I can't speak for him. 350 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,160 "No, because you're not that good a ventriloquist." 351 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:25,600 - I know that I have fallen for my puppets. - Really? 352 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,160 "What do you mean, dear?" 353 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:31,000 I have on stage sometimes looked at Granny and thought, 354 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,800 why aren't you saying anything? This is your line. 355 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,480 Oh, really? That's hilarious. 356 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,680 - That's hilarious! - APPLAUSE 357 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,800 The madness is starting to kick in. 358 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,200 It must be a wildly schizophrenic profession. 359 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:54,480 I don't know on what dark night of the soul Keith Harris invented a duck like that. 360 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,840 - "Or a haircut like that!" - I was going to say! 361 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:01,480 - As for the shirt, holy smoke! - Well, still... 362 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,240 I love the fact that Orville is in a nappy. 363 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,840 That was odd, wasn't it? A duck in a nappy. 364 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,880 Which was the opposite of Donald Duck, 365 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,680 because he always had his privates out, didn't he? 366 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,160 Yes. Good point. There you go. 367 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:18,120 - A very good point. A very good point. - Thank you. 368 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,440 I think I made that point excellently. 369 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,480 LAUGHTER 370 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:25,160 I'm delighted with that point. 371 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:29,040 - I'll give you a point for that point. - Thank you. 372 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:32,080 - MUMBLING: - The art of ventriloquism has come on leaps and bounds 373 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:33,640 since back in the good old days. 374 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,680 - You're doing it now! - Yeah. 375 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:36,840 Speaking of which, 376 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:41,160 which of you here has, has ever had, or used to have an imaginary friend? 377 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,680 Did you, Gran? Did you have an imaginary friend? 378 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,960 "I think..." I can't say his name! 379 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,680 "I think Bill Bailey - that's a hard one - 380 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,840 "I think you're my imaginary friend. You're slightly out of focus. 381 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,960 "Fuzzy, kind of. And you, Sean..." 382 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:59,840 That's very strange. My reality is being called into question by... 383 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,320 LAUGHTER 384 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,560 This is one of the odder conversations I've had, but... 385 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,760 "If your imaginary friend falls over in the forest 386 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,520 "and there's no one to hear, does that...? I can't finish this!" 387 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:17,480 That's a good philosophical point. We're getting Bishop Berkeley from Gran. I am very impressed. 388 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:20,080 Did you have one? I mean, lots of children do. 389 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:23,120 - Did you have an imaginary friend? - I'm not aware of it. 390 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,160 They didn't used to come round much. 391 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:28,000 LAUGHTER 392 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,120 An imaginary friend who never plays with you! 393 00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,640 An imaginary friend who counts you dead! 394 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,720 Yeah, I wanted to be his friend, but... 395 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:41,920 - Ah, that's so sad! - ..he just wasn't interested. 396 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,760 But we're familiar with the concept, 397 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:47,000 and the fact that a lot of children do seem to have an imaginary friend, 398 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,440 - which can worry their parents. - It is a really peculiar thing. 399 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:54,720 They lay places at the table for them, they have seats on sofas to watch television 400 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,600 and they have tea parties for them. 401 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:02,040 But according to psychiatrists, having an imaginary friend is a very good thing for a child. 402 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:06,320 Children who've had them tend to have more social and verbal skills than those who don't. 403 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,800 Although, it must be said, a certain proportion of them are malevolent. 404 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:14,360 Some people have imaginary friends who scare their children, which is a very worrying thought. 405 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,880 A nasty imaginary friend. 406 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:20,480 - I hear voices. - Do you? - But I ignore them and I just carry on killing. 407 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,040 LAUGHTER 408 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,760 APPLAUSE 409 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:32,000 The voices say, "Stop killing people, Sean!" 410 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:37,080 "You know this is wrong, Sean. This isn't fair. They don't deserve it." 411 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,560 I ignore them. 412 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:44,360 It is, yes, it's quite a phenomenon. It was Yasser Arafat, of all people, 413 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,880 who said the history of religious wars 414 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:50,040 is the history of people fighting over their imaginary friends. 415 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,480 It's weird the man who founded the Palestinian movement, 416 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:57,280 which is now so bound up with religious extremism, 417 00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:59,320 was himself rather sceptical about it all. 418 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:02,160 The world has hardly come on, let's be honest. 419 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:05,320 The interesting thing I know about him, he married a Frenchwoman. 420 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:07,600 You wouldn't think that, would you? 421 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,680 It's not beyond the bounds of reason! 422 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:14,760 You'd think - he's very interested in helping his local area - 423 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,120 he'd choose one of his local women. 424 00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:21,280 Yes, but the very nature of being a Palestinian meant he had no homeland in which to live, 425 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:26,840 so it was quite likely he would choose someone from a homeland where he'd had to reside in exile. 426 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:31,400 - And many did in France. - Or maybe she was just an imaginary wife. 427 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,160 Or maybe she was just damn hot! 428 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,280 - She was foxy. - Foxy, yeah. 429 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:42,040 - Was he... - Was he a pussy hound? I don't know. 430 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:47,320 - Why did I say that? - LAUGHTER 431 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:50,400 - APPLAUSE - Something has gone wrong. 432 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,240 I'm intrigued to know... 433 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:57,960 I'm intrigued to think you thought that was what I was about to say. 434 00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:01,400 You looked into my eyes and thought, "He's going to say pussy hound. 435 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,760 "I'll beat him to it. I'll beat him to the punch." 436 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,480 - Now... - Is a pussy hound like a liger? 437 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,440 LAUGHTER 438 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,200 A cat and a dog together. 439 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:19,520 It's actually a dog that a gentleman would send out to find ladies. 440 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:21,560 HE WHISTLES 441 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:27,840 It's a combination. It's kind of both independent and yet loyal. 442 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:32,160 Yes! I like the idea of that. Very good. 443 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,960 - Now, Candice Bergen, actress. - Oh, yes. 444 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:39,000 - Fond of her? - She's very, very beautiful. - Very, very beautiful. 445 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,440 Didn't have so much an imaginary friend as an imaginary brother. 446 00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:46,720 - Can you imagine why that might be? - "It was Charlie McCarthy, wasn't it?" 447 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:51,960 - Exactly. The most famous American ventriloquist was...? - Edgar Bergen. 448 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:55,320 - Edgar Bergen. He was a huge star. - "His lips moved too." 449 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,720 His puppet was called Charlie McCarthy, 450 00:24:57,720 --> 00:24:59,880 and in the house he had his own bedroom, 451 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:03,080 his own wardrobe, monogrammed clothes, 452 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:07,880 and Edgar Bergen's real daughter, Candice, was brought up, basically, 453 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:11,440 as Charlie McCarthy's brother, in a rather freakish and extraordinary way. 454 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:14,120 It's amazing she's turned out as sane as she is. 455 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:17,080 Now, you all have an invention under your benches, 456 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:20,680 and we'd like to know what they are. What are we looking at? 457 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:24,360 Well, it's some kind of measuring device. Er... 458 00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:28,840 - We gave it to you for a reason. - Really? - Yes. A quality you have. 459 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:32,200 - You might be more likely to guess it than others. - Oh, I see. 460 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:34,360 Is it a beard-measuring device? 461 00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:36,320 I wouldn't call your beard a quality. 462 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:40,320 - I mean, it's a lovely beard, but it's not a quality. - Whoa! Whoa! 463 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:44,200 - You've crossed the line, Fry! - It's a feature. 464 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:47,720 - Don't diss the beard. - It's a charming facial feature. 465 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:49,600 It has a musical connection. 466 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,920 If you were some kind of instrumentalist, 467 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:55,200 you might be born, as it were, with limitations that annoy you. 468 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:56,680 Ah, wait a minute. 469 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,400 Is this something which stretches the reach of a pianist? 470 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,560 Yes. Exactly what it is. Well done. 471 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,680 APPLAUSE 472 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,800 Because most people might manage an octave, C to C, kind of thing, 473 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:16,200 - and some, as you know, can do C to E. - I can do C to E. 474 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:18,800 - That's a wide reach. - It is a wide reach. 475 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:22,360 So the hand would go in there and you would just undo this thing? 476 00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:24,280 That's right. And stretch. 477 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:28,240 - And then stretch and stretch and stretch like that? - Yeah. 478 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:30,760 - Supposedly it would give you... - Ouch! 479 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:36,000 - So what have you got there, Sean? - It's a bottle, Stephen. 480 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:40,120 - And what do you think it was for? - For putting stuff in. 481 00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:43,160 OK. Next, moving on to you, Nina. 482 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,240 LAUGHTER 483 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:46,800 What have you got there? 484 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:51,320 "Is this one mine? A suppository for Charlie McCarthy." 485 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:54,560 - Do you know, the bizarre thing is, you're not far off. - Oh, really? 486 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:57,360 You can unscrew the bottom. 487 00:26:57,360 --> 00:27:00,880 You're going to have to help me, Gran. "With my teeth?" 488 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:03,160 Help me. "I can't get a grip." 489 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:05,800 - Maybe Bill will help. - You get one of those with a... 490 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:07,960 "I can't do it, dear." 491 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,680 ..with Preparation H. 492 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:14,200 - Has this been up someone's arse? - Yes. 493 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:16,600 LAUGHTER 494 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,040 Alan has exactly got it. 495 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:19,840 When you get Preparation H, 496 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,280 you screw a plastic one of those on the top 497 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:24,720 and you insert it in your rectum. 498 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:27,840 - Out of the holes... - The dark oil comes out of the holes. 499 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,680 ..comes the haemorrhoid treatment. Exactly right. 500 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,640 For the treatment of haemorrhoids. 501 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:35,400 - So, this unscrews? - Then you pop in the ointment. 502 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:38,160 - The ointment goes in there? - Then you screw it up. 503 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,160 - Then you put the thing up your botty. - Up the old...? 504 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,480 As you screw it up, the ointment squirts out, 505 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:45,920 reaching all the places you need it to reach. 506 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:48,440 "It squirts out? Happy days, dear." 507 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,520 At least half the people on the planet 508 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:54,160 will be afflicted with haemorrhoids at some point in their lives. 509 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:58,000 - Is it something you could self-medicate? - Yes. 510 00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:02,240 You don't need to. You could ask a friend to do it if you wanted. 511 00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:03,480 Or an imaginary friend. 512 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:06,160 I think it would be best, to be perfectly honest. 513 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,320 What have you got, Alan? 514 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:11,920 I've got a pair of glasses that enable me to see into my lap. 515 00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,400 I wonder if they're... 516 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:19,200 Because I can read this book, but I'm looking up at you. 517 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:23,240 Whilst I'm looking down, I could read and write 518 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:25,240 but see straight ahead. 519 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:29,920 - Are they for an artist or a painter? - No, they're more lazy than that. 520 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:32,000 They're called lying-down spectacles. 521 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,280 You can lie in bed, put the book on your chest, 522 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,440 and you'd be able to read while lying down. 523 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:37,880 That's rather elegant. 524 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:40,920 That's exactly what you need when you're sunbathing 525 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,600 so you don't have to hold the book like that. Actually, you can do it. 526 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:45,840 Absolutely perfect. 527 00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:49,440 It doesn't look weird at all, you look great(!) 528 00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:53,560 If you caught the sun on the mirror, you'd be instantly blinded. 529 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:56,000 But it's a surprisingly clear image, isn't it? 530 00:28:56,000 --> 00:29:00,680 And here I have this little device with a cork on the end. 531 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:03,960 It's in the shape of a policeman's whistle, which is a hint, 532 00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:07,480 because policemen would carry these around with them. 533 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:08,920 That's for blowing bubbles. 534 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:12,360 It does look like it. There would be a liquid in there. 535 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:15,760 The liquid would be salts of ammonia. 536 00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:18,960 - Oh, smelling salts. - Smelling salts, exactly! 537 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:22,400 This was called the policeman's lady reviver. 538 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:25,960 - "I need that, dear." - You need a lady reviver? 539 00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:30,080 When a lady fainted in the street, the policeman would whip it out... 540 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,120 LAUGHTER 541 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:35,200 Please! Oh! 542 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:37,520 APPLAUSE 543 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:41,000 That was them. That was them. 544 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,680 He would whip it out and wave it under the lady's nose. 545 00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:47,480 - That would wake her up. - Under the...woo-hoo! 546 00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:51,600 Yes. The sharp smell of ammonia, which was in the smelling salts. 547 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:55,200 Have you come to a sensible decision as to what your flask is for? 548 00:29:55,200 --> 00:30:00,120 It's got it written on it if you took the trouble to bloody read it. 549 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:03,480 - "Harden Star Hand Grenade." - Yeah. 550 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:06,000 It's a hand grenade, Stephen. 551 00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:07,320 It's a kind of hand grenade. 552 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,240 - It's a fire-extinguisher hand grenade. - It's a water grenade. 553 00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:12,400 You'd fill it with aqueous solution 554 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:13,880 and you'd throw it at a fire. 555 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:17,280 That was the idea. You'd throw it. Those are our inventions, 556 00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:19,160 lots of very imaginative ones, 557 00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:23,160 and they were kindly lent to us by the Maurice Collins Collection. 558 00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:24,880 All in beautiful condition. 559 00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,520 Thank you for that and for not breaking them. 560 00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:29,840 How did Edwin Beard Budding's invention 561 00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:33,280 affect an army of men with wooden blocks strapped to their feet? 562 00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:37,520 - Did he invent duckboards? - No, but at least you're thinking. 563 00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:41,120 - LAUGHTER - I mean that in a non-patronising way! 564 00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:43,920 Nobody knows! 565 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:47,320 - He's put up the card backwards. - LAUGHTER 566 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,200 Cheapskates - do you just put it on one side?! 567 00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:56,840 - You cheap...bastards! - Yeah, that's right, it's their fault(!) 568 00:30:56,840 --> 00:30:59,680 - No... - That doesn't count, I put it up the wrong way. 569 00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:01,000 We do exactly know why. 570 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:04,200 There was a profession, which employed many, many people, 571 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,200 and in order to fulfil their profession, 572 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:08,840 they wore blocks on their feet. 573 00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:11,560 But this invention got rid of the need for these people... 574 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:12,600 The periscope. 575 00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:15,960 No, it's rather weirder than that. There's a hint for you, darlings. 576 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,240 - Oh. Grass... - Grass. Yes. 577 00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:24,520 - How, if you wanted a lawn in olden days... - SEAN: The roller. 578 00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:26,400 You'd mow it with a roller?! 579 00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:28,520 - No, the roller... - The roller FLATTENS it. 580 00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:29,880 - Scything. - You'd scythe it. 581 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:32,240 You'd have scythemen in grand country houses, 582 00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:36,240 and they had...like a golf swing, a very precise action. 583 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:39,400 And so the grass was according to how high they were - 584 00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:41,520 so they'd wear blocks for the higher grass 585 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:43,800 and the shorter blocks for the lower grass, 586 00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:45,520 and they would scythe away. 587 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:49,080 And this man, Edwin, invented a little machine 588 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:52,480 for sort of cutting the nap of cloth on soldiers' uniforms. 589 00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:55,520 And he thought, "I wonder if that would work on grass?" 590 00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:58,240 And he eventually came up with the lawnmower. 591 00:31:58,240 --> 00:31:59,640 A pretty good invention, 592 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:02,840 but actually it altered the world in the most amazing way. 593 00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:06,000 It allowed football, cricket, all kinds of games to be played. 594 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,800 Public parks - everybody could suddenly have a lawn. 595 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:12,000 So he was rather a human benefactor in a way. 596 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:15,080 - And where did he do this? - In Stroud. Stroud in Gloucestershire. 597 00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:18,320 - Is he celebrated there? - Edwin Budding? I'm sure he is, in Stroud. 598 00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:20,160 I hope there are Stroudians watching. 599 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:23,440 Probably up there with Laurie Lee as one of the great Strouders. 600 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:27,000 "That's a shame for the men - it's my idea of heaven, 601 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:31,400 "a lot of men that can't run away from you very quickly. 602 00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:32,840 "With blocks on." 603 00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:36,400 It was a shame for the scythemen, I suppose. 604 00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:39,840 But, yeah. A happy story. I don't see a downside to that story. 605 00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:42,800 Apart from the fact that there is a British Lawnmowers Museum - 606 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:43,840 a bit depressing. 607 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:46,440 The Southport British Lawnmower Museum, 608 00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:50,760 if you happen to be in Southport, has over 300 exhibits, 609 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:53,680 especially for its Lawnmowers of the Rich and Famous. 610 00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:58,480 Where you are able to look, and possibly even touch, Vanessa Feltz's lawnmower. 611 00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:02,640 - Not just Vanessa Feltz, Alan Titchmarsh... - Oh, he'd probably have a really nice one. 612 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:05,960 Nicholas Parsons. What sort of lawnmower would he have? 613 00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:08,480 - Old. - But heavily made-up. - Heavily made-up?! 614 00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:11,080 LAUGHTER A Bakelite one. 615 00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:14,640 Brian May, Roger McGough, Albert Pierrepoint, the public hangman, 616 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:17,080 and Prince Charles and Princess Diana. 617 00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:19,280 I can't believe they had personal lawnmowers. 618 00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:22,120 - I don't mow my grass. - What do you do with it? - I threaten it. 619 00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:24,840 - LAUGHTER - Ah! Does it work? 620 00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:27,680 It's going very well. 621 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:31,480 Cowed it into submission. "Don't you grow...!" 622 00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:33,920 Anyway - the invention of the lawnmower put 623 00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:37,200 large numbers of scythemen out to grass, as you might say. 624 00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:38,920 The inventor of bacon and eggs 625 00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:41,880 also coined the phrase "torches of freedom". 626 00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:43,640 Who was he, what were they? 627 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,480 - Sorry - the inventor of bacon and eggs?! - I know - 628 00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:47,520 it sounds a bit mad, 629 00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:50,600 but bacon and eggs as a dish that is a sort of breakfast staple 630 00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:53,680 was invented, as it were, by one man. He made it popular. 631 00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:58,400 "Torches of freedom" is a phrase that he came up with, this same man. His name was Edward Bernays. 632 00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:03,080 - He happened to be a nephew of Sigmund Freud. - SEAN: Oh, well... 633 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:05,360 LAUGHTER 634 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:09,000 He was employed by a food company, and American breakfasts in his day 635 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:13,320 were very light - a roll, orange juice, cup of coffee, that was it. 636 00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:17,280 He collected 5,000 doctors, who basically made testament to the fact 637 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:20,560 that a heavy breakfast was better for you than a light breakfast. 638 00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:24,160 And he basically persuaded America to eat heartily for breakfast, 639 00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,200 and bacon and eggs became the staple. 640 00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:29,840 And this man is really responsible for what we call public relations. 641 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:32,080 Two million deaths by heart disease later...! 642 00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:33,720 LAUGHTER 643 00:34:33,720 --> 00:34:35,960 Not only that, but he also got women to smoke. 644 00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:37,400 There was a real problem... 645 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:40,120 LAUGHTER 646 00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:44,080 Did he encourage that man to jump off the Eiffel Tower as well?! 647 00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:46,560 There was a real problem in the early 20th century 648 00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:49,960 for the tobacco companies, in that women just didn't smoke. 649 00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:51,400 In New York City in the '20s, 650 00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:53,600 a woman was ARRESTED for smoking outside, 651 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:55,720 it was considered totally unfeminine. 652 00:34:55,720 --> 00:34:59,280 I've seen old photos, when they've clearly said, "Come on, girls..." 653 00:34:59,280 --> 00:35:02,880 - Well, that's the point... - Everyone's having a drag at the same moment. 654 00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:07,120 This is the point - this is a photo opportunity, he invented it. This is his PR moment. 655 00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:09,200 His job was to sell cigarettes to women, 656 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:12,480 and to sell to America the idea that women should smoke. 657 00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:15,720 So, during an Easter parade, he got these women, 658 00:35:15,720 --> 00:35:18,160 and photographed them all smoking. 659 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,000 And it was a scandal, it was on the front page everywhere. 660 00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:23,360 But what he said was, "This is feminism." 661 00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:25,920 This was during the suffrage movement in America, 662 00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:27,960 he said, "This is an act of independence. 663 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:29,920 "These cigarettes are not cigarettes, 664 00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:31,440 "they are torches of freedom." 665 00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:34,680 - Torches of freedom! - And so the idea of women smoking 666 00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:39,840 became a proof of their independence, and of their feminism. 667 00:35:39,840 --> 00:35:43,440 - "She's set fire to her face." - She has! 668 00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:46,600 - Hasn't got the hang of it. - Not very used to the smoking. 669 00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:52,040 So he was a pretty cunning devil, this Edward Bernays. 670 00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:55,200 Right, let's enough invention - let's now turn our attention 671 00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:57,960 to the very real, but impractical, general ignorance. 672 00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:01,440 So fingers on buzzers, those that are still working. 673 00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:03,320 Who invented the internet? 674 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:05,760 - Now... - Now. 675 00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:09,080 - BELL - Yes? - Tim Berners... 676 00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:11,400 KLAXON 677 00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:13,680 Fortunately I couldn't remember the name! 678 00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:16,240 Lucky you couldn't remember his name. 679 00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:19,200 I think I'm safe with this answer - Parsley the Lion. 680 00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:20,920 LAUGHTER 681 00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:23,800 You won't have that up there, will you? 682 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:25,040 Wrong, but no forfeit. 683 00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,000 But on this very programme, you were telling the story of how 684 00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:29,960 Tim Berners-Lee invented the internet. 685 00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:31,920 Of how he invented the World Wide Web. 686 00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:34,040 Which is much later than the internet. 687 00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:36,200 It had been around for 20 years before that. 688 00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:39,360 It's just one of the things that you can use on the internet. 689 00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:45,680 - It was actually in the 1960s. - 1960s? One of the Beatles. 690 00:36:45,680 --> 00:36:46,800 LAUGHTER 691 00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:50,040 No! That's not quite how things worked. 692 00:36:50,040 --> 00:36:51,720 ARPANET was the original internet - 693 00:36:51,720 --> 00:36:54,760 it was an offshoot of the American defence programme, 694 00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:58,000 and the first communication took place in California, 695 00:36:58,000 --> 00:36:59,120 and when was that? 696 00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:05,000 In 1969. Two computers, and they were 400 miles apart, one in LA, 697 00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:07,200 and one at the Stanford Research Institute. 698 00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:08,880 And the first message, was "LO". 699 00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:12,040 And it wasn't going to say "LOL"! 700 00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:14,840 - LAUGHTER - It was going to say "LOGIN", 701 00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:18,480 but crashed after the L and the O. But it was the first worthy attempt. 702 00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:21,400 Do you use the computer, Gran? 703 00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:23,800 "Yes, I use it for dating." 704 00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:26,320 - Do you now?! - "Oh, yes, I do, yes. 705 00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:28,960 "I've met a racing driver, 706 00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:31,720 "and he thinks I'm a 20-year-old lap dancer..." 707 00:37:31,720 --> 00:37:34,400 - LAUGHTER - "Happy days!" 708 00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:35,840 LAUGHTER 709 00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:42,240 "He's in for a shock!" 710 00:37:42,240 --> 00:37:45,240 According to Berners-Lee, who did invent the World Wide Web, 711 00:37:45,240 --> 00:37:48,280 the true fathers of the internet are Vint Cerf and Bob Kahn, 712 00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:51,840 who invented the internet protocol. So there you are. 713 00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:54,600 Now, how did dinosaurs have sex? 714 00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:56,320 LAUGHTER 715 00:37:57,920 --> 00:37:59,280 You're right! 716 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:01,720 You're right. We just don't know. 717 00:38:01,720 --> 00:38:05,360 APPLAUSE 718 00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:07,480 You're good at those. 719 00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:11,720 No extant genitals. 720 00:38:11,720 --> 00:38:14,360 No soft tissue. It wouldn't necessarily be soft, 721 00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:17,160 but the soft tissues are the bits that don't survive 722 00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:18,360 in fossils, of course. 723 00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:21,800 It's only in the last 15 years they've been able to sex a dinosaur fossil. 724 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:24,200 The female dinosaurs have a special sort of cavity 725 00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:27,400 for making extra calcium for eggs. 726 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:30,920 That's how you can tell from a fossil whether it's female or male. 727 00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:32,480 Obviously, that would be wrong, 728 00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:35,320 because that would be inter-species dinosaur sex. 729 00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:38,480 The weirdest kind, and that would be wrong. 730 00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:42,200 I think he's just looking for a cheap thrill. 731 00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:45,200 That's not about procreation at all. 732 00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:47,840 - No, it isn't. - That is a dinosaur S&M dungeon, that. 733 00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:52,920 And the best guess is that, like most birds and reptiles, 734 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:55,000 dinosaurs had a cloacal sac. 735 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,360 Oh! 736 00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:59,200 A single opening for both waste and reproduction. 737 00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:01,560 - Like sharks. - Like sharks, exactly. 738 00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:04,840 And they mated by a cloacal kiss. There we are. 739 00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:08,760 What are the right conditions for dry rot? 740 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,840 - Well, it's damp. - Yes - that's the point. 741 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:15,120 - "It's a trick question, dear." - It's a trick question, yes. 742 00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:18,360 - Have you ever had dry rot? - "Only on my face." 743 00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:20,560 - LAUGHTER - Lovely. 744 00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:23,400 - "The latex." - Lovely news. Dry rot, it needs to be damp. 745 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,080 What about rising damp? 746 00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:28,480 The really surprising thing about rising damp - 747 00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:30,480 can you tell me what that is? 748 00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:32,800 - It's not damp. - "It goes down." 749 00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:36,200 Even more extraordinary than that. 750 00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:40,400 According to many, many people in the architectural, surveying and building world, 751 00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:44,400 it doesn't exist. It's madey-uppey. 752 00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:48,200 - It's mould, it's just mould? - Well, it's basically normal damp 753 00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:51,280 which has come from a source, like a leak or something, 754 00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:54,080 and this idea that you need to put in a damp course, was... 755 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:58,520 Many people genuinely say it honestly doesn't exist, yet it's in the building regulations. 756 00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:03,560 The former chairman of the Royal Institute of Chartered Surveyors said it was a myth, rising damp, 757 00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:08,120 and a building expert says that rising damp is only possible in swamps, 758 00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:12,080 and that as a diagnosis it only became common in the '60s. 759 00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:14,960 I'll tell you when you DO see it. I've seen girls in London 760 00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:17,480 wearing flared jeans going over their shoes... 761 00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:23,120 - Yes, that's true. - ..on a rainy day, and they get damp almost up to their knees. 762 00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:26,440 It's not to say that capillary action doesn't exist - it does! 763 00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:30,040 - Rising damp only exists in ladies' jeans! - Yes! 764 00:40:30,040 --> 00:40:34,400 It's a heck of a controversial thought, but a myth. 765 00:40:34,400 --> 00:40:37,120 Name a disease spread by feral pigeons. 766 00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:40,040 Erm...bum hair. 767 00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:42,880 - There aren't any. - Exactly. 768 00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:47,120 - There's nothing wrong with them. - Again, that's it. You're doing awfully well, Alan, 769 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:50,040 - you're on fire tonight! - I'm doing very well! 770 00:40:50,040 --> 00:40:54,200 Basically, this idea that they are disease-infested 771 00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:57,920 and disease-spreading vermin is nonsense, 772 00:40:57,920 --> 00:40:59,640 according to experts on pigeons. 773 00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:04,040 This thing of them being rats with wings is considered very unfair by those in the know - 774 00:41:04,040 --> 00:41:05,840 they don't spread that much disease. 775 00:41:05,840 --> 00:41:09,320 They do leave a fair amount of poo, but then so do humans, don't we? 776 00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:12,440 We've just got a better way of dealing with it, perhaps. 777 00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:15,440 I tend not to leave it on people's shoulders. 778 00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:18,360 Well, that's the difference! 779 00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:21,280 I mean, I wouldn't say I was well brought up... 780 00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:26,800 There's a few benchmarks we tried to set early on... 781 00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:28,520 in my toilet training. 782 00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:30,560 That was one - never on the shoulder. 783 00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:34,040 It had a big red "No" through it. It was in my bedroom on the door. 784 00:41:34,040 --> 00:41:38,560 There's a picture of a man with a turd over his shoulder, 785 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:40,600 and it says, "No, Sean!" 786 00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:45,640 You learnt your lesson, and we're all very tidy poo-ers, I'm sure, 787 00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:48,000 here in this room, including Granny. 788 00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:52,640 - "Not at all. Don't even do them, dear. Don't eat, don't excrete." - Oh! 789 00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:55,080 That's the secret of a long and happy life. 790 00:41:55,080 --> 00:41:58,560 And that's your lot. Time to invent the scores. 791 00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:03,880 Oh, my goodness me! Very exciting. Very exciting indeed. 792 00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:07,480 I'm afraid, despite some remarkable performances, in last place 793 00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:10,360 with minus three, it's Bill Bailey. 794 00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:14,120 APPLAUSE 795 00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:20,000 And erm, in a very creditable fourth place with one point, Alan Davies. 796 00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:24,040 APPLAUSE 797 00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:28,520 Third place with three, Sean Lock. 798 00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:33,000 APPLAUSE 799 00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:35,760 In second place with four is Gran! 800 00:42:35,760 --> 00:42:37,800 "Oh! Very nice." 801 00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:41,520 APPLAUSE 802 00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:44,720 Which means that our winner with plus five is Nina Conti! 803 00:42:44,720 --> 00:42:46,800 APPLAUSE 804 00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:53,440 My thanks to Bill, Nina, Gran, Sean and Alan, 805 00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:55,560 and I leave you with this from Sid Caesar. 806 00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:59,240 The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. 807 00:42:59,240 --> 00:43:03,200 The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. Goodnight. 808 00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:05,960 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 809 00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:22,840 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 810 00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:25,880 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk