1 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:35,440 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 2 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:38,960 Welcome to QI for another incongruous in-gathering 3 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,560 of I-related information including income tax, inflation 4 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:43,760 and Imperial Rome. 5 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:46,520 Let's have a look at tonight's four Is. 6 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,640 The eye-catching Sandi Toksvig. 7 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:52,920 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 8 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:57,560 The eye-watering Al Murray. 9 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:01,240 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 10 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,720 The I-rish Dara O'Briain. 11 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:07,720 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 12 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:11,520 And aye, aye, aye, it's Alan Davies. 13 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:16,760 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 14 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:18,960 Right, let's hear your I-buzzers. 15 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:23,920 - Sandy goes... - BIRD CAWS 16 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,920 That was an ibis. 17 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:31,520 - Al goes... - MEN CHANT 18 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:38,640 - That was an Ibex. Dara goes... - ENGINE REVS 19 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:42,560 That was a Seat Ibiza. 20 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:43,920 And Alan goes... 21 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:47,600 # I, I, I, I, like you very much 22 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:51,240 # I, I, I, I, think you're great. # 23 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:53,600 And don't forget, if you spot a question 24 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,960 to which you think nobody knows the answer, 25 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,000 you can always play your ignoramus joker like so. 26 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,640 Nobody knows! 27 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:04,560 There may be a question to which the answer is, nobody knows. 28 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:07,480 So, describe, if you can, in detail, 29 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:10,400 the world's most exotic tax inspectors. 30 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,040 Not the ones who brought me into Balham once? 31 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,440 Were you once given a right going over? 32 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,760 I was once given a right going over, yeah. 33 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:22,880 I'd taken tax advice from Harry Hill so it was my own fault! 34 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:28,920 He used to be a doctor so I thought he knew what he was talking about. 35 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,680 I once went three days with a tax inspector 36 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,160 going through, honestly, every single decimal point of everything. 37 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,920 After three days, he didn't find anything and he said, 38 00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:40,840 "To be honest, Miss Toksvig, I just wanted to meet you." 39 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:46,480 - Wow! - I know. - Was either of them exotic, 40 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:50,480 did they have a flowery tie or anything about them... 41 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:54,040 - Is it going to be one of those tax haven things? - No, it's not. 42 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,920 We're in the Middle East, we're in an Islamic country 43 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:59,880 where people would be embarrassed by a certain type of person, 44 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,840 a transgender person. 45 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:06,400 In Pakistan, they have a squadron of transgender tax collectors 46 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:09,760 who come basically to embarrass people into paying. 47 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:12,480 They go, "Hiya. 48 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:13,640 "You all right?" 49 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:17,160 First of all, you go to the shop and say, 50 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,000 "You owe us this much in tax." 51 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,360 And they would simply say, "We refuse to pay." 52 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:26,040 They'd say, "OK, then tomorrow we will send in a group of transgender tax collectors 53 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:30,600 "who will dance and sing in your shop until you pay." 54 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,720 # The crying game. # 55 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:36,280 But only 5% of people pay tax in Pakistan so it's not working, is it? 56 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,120 There's only so many transgender people. 57 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:43,120 They're very busy belting out I Am What I Am in shops all around the country. 58 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:49,560 Well, there is quite a transgender, I suppose one would use the word, community in Pakistan. 59 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:53,040 And they have obviously had it very tough, especially in the more 60 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:57,000 extremist parts of that country where such things are frowned upon. 61 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,040 But they are classed together with transvestites and eunuchs 62 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,600 and there's a special word for them which is hijra. 63 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:05,720 But how extraordinary for a mother if she sees her son, 64 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:10,240 putting on her high heels and she looks at him now and thinks, "Tax inspector!" 65 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:13,560 It is, it's a glamour profession now. 66 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,440 I have to do this, mother. I'm a tax inspector. 67 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:19,640 - It may well happen. - Nothing else is going on. 68 00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:24,200 Why are you wearing that dress this evening? 69 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:28,040 There you are. In India, in Andhra Pradesh, they've tried drumming. 70 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:32,640 They simply drum outside the shop or household and keep it up until they pay their taxes. 71 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,040 What if you own a drum shop? 72 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:38,120 - That would be... - That would be a fatal flaw, wouldn't it? 73 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:41,120 It would but that's going to be a very low percentage. 74 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,240 You're nitpicking here, I think, Dara. 75 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,720 What would we do here? 76 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:50,120 Morris dancers, I think, outside your shop. "I'll pay, I will pay!" 77 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:56,160 Basically, the governments of the world are looking for imaginative solutions to raise their taxes. 78 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:59,240 And that is one, using transgender people in Karachi. 79 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,720 You're looking astonished! 80 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:05,280 I'm totally astonished. It's boggling. It's brilliant. 81 00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:08,760 While living in Pakistan was there any point at which Osama Bin Laden 82 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,720 didn't pay his taxes and was in danger 83 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:15,040 of four transgender people knocking on the door of his massive compound? 84 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:16,320 No wonder he was hiding! 85 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,160 I wonder what that man does for a living. What's he done? 86 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:23,080 The whole conversation... Four of them turn up? 87 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:26,000 Four of them, going through his papers, as you can see. 88 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,520 "You come for my tax? I sold you that scarf." 89 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:32,000 I think that's a counterfeit designer bag 90 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,040 that she's wearing as well. 91 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,440 He's going to get the hit squad. 92 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,400 Yes, he's going to get the full show. 93 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:39,440 Here come the girls! 94 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,480 LAUGHTER 95 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:46,000 That's what they sing. 96 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:50,760 "We are the hit squad and the first hit will be Cher's I Believe." 97 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,720 Absolutely. 98 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,400 There you go. 99 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:58,760 Now, compare the tax advantages of being a drug dealer in Tennessee 100 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:01,920 to those of being a bank robber in the Netherlands. 101 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:06,360 Is it in Tennessee they can claim back 102 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,600 the expense of buying the drugs against tax 103 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,520 as a business expense or something? 104 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:15,440 - You're in the right area. - There's some kind of accounting loophole. 105 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,480 What they tried in Tennessee was to put a duty on drugs, 106 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:20,720 as you do on alcohol and tobacco. 107 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:24,360 So all these criminals who were found as drug dealers 108 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:27,720 not only went to prison but they had to pay this tax on the drugs. 109 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:28,960 Like a stamp duty? 110 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,480 Yes, but then constitutionally, it was discovered to be against... 111 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:36,960 It counted as double jeopardy cos they were getting punished twice for the same crime. 112 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:40,960 So now the state of Tennessee is paying money back 113 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,960 to all the drug dealers. 114 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,240 It's already paid millions out. 115 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:50,760 About 161 people have already received 3.7 million... 116 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,520 Because there was a bit of a screw-up. 117 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,040 They thought it was a clever idea to get extra money 118 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:59,360 out of drug criminals, instead they've actually lost out. 119 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,240 They'll only spend it on drugs. 120 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,280 So with bank robbers in the Netherlands, it must be that 121 00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:08,480 - you can claim for the expense of your gun. - Yes! - Is that right? - Absolutely right. 122 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:13,000 Someone was found guilty of holding a place up with a gun 123 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:17,680 and he was fined and his gun was an allowable expense 124 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:21,560 - so the price of his gun was deducted from his fine. - Fantastic. 125 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:26,240 - But presumably you'd need a receipt, first of all. - Yes. 126 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:27,760 It was a working expense. 127 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:31,240 So if you commit crimes that are worth less than your gun, 128 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,720 - you will always be ahead. - Yes! 129 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:38,440 - A very expensive getaway car. - Yes, exactly. 130 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:40,320 Use a Porsche as a getaway car! 131 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,880 - Very expensive silk stockings over your face. - La Perla, you see. 132 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:44,920 Absolutely. 133 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:48,560 Presumably you'd have to prove you bought the right thing for the crime. 134 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,520 If you had a gun, fine. But if you had a ballistic missile, 135 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,440 - they're not going to cough up. - I think you're right. 136 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,680 Was it Robert Morley who used to run Miss World? 137 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,520 Eric Morley, I think his name was. 138 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,960 He claimed his racehorses as a tax expense 139 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:06,000 and it went all the way to court with him saying, basically, 140 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,480 "I'm in the business of being Eric Morley 141 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:13,320 "and that includes owning racehorses to keep up my kind of lifestyle 142 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:17,840 "and have the swagger of being the man that runs Miss World, I need racehorses." And he won. 143 00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:21,560 - Good God. - So he was able to claim his racehorses as a business expense. 144 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,520 I once bought a racehorse by mistake. 145 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:27,600 What had you originally gone into the shop for? 146 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,560 I was there as a tax inspector. 147 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:32,760 You wanted a pint of Activia pouring yoghurt 148 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,280 and you bought a racehorse 149 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,960 Oh, you heard about that little problem I had? 150 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:42,040 LAUGHTER 151 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,920 Table this, people. 152 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:47,600 No, what happened was, I was at Epsom and somebody had given a racehorse 153 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,040 to auction to the crowd to raise money for charity. 154 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:54,480 And I was asked if I'd auction it off. So I said, "What am I bid for this marvellous racehorse? 155 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:57,280 I'm standing next to the horse and nobody bids. 156 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,680 So I said, "I'll start us off. 3,000 Guineas." 157 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:00,840 STEPHEN GASPS 158 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:04,240 Silence. I was the only person who bid... 159 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:05,480 Oh, Sandy! 160 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:11,040 ..on the horse and I'd come in my sports car. I'd no idea how I was going to get it home. 161 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:15,800 - So, did you have to pay out? - No, the man very nicely bought it back off me. 162 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,200 - How much for? - Well, I lost on it. 163 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:23,360 For about a minute and a half, I owned a racehorse. 164 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,040 Did you follow the fortunes of that racehorse? 165 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:29,880 No, I've never been to the races again. It's too terrifying. 166 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,080 Good Lord. Well, there you are. 167 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,240 I do know an actor who claimed his carpet on the grounds 168 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:39,840 that it was wear and tear because he used to walk up and down learning his lines. 169 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:43,080 - Quite clever. - Didn't get away with it. 170 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,800 - But he still put it in. - Good effort. 171 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,880 Yes. Absolutely. I tried to claim for a bed once. No reason. 172 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,080 I was new to the game, I just thought you put everything down. 173 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:55,040 Why? Because you had to sleep with directors to get parts? 174 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:56,760 Exactly. 175 00:09:56,760 --> 00:10:01,400 Turns out you don't actually have to use a bed for that. Behind a skip, anything. 176 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,680 They're not discerning about it. 177 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:07,080 I was dressing the room, I was putting music on. They don't care. 178 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,760 They want to use you and go. You're nothing to them. 179 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,440 I did try and claim for some paintings in my office 180 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,920 and I was in the tax inspector's place and he said, 181 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,040 "What is this, paintings in the office?" 182 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:22,440 I said, "For goodness sake, nobody could possibly work in an office which had no art in it. 183 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:26,480 And as I looked around, there was a single solitary poster... 184 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,880 of the Heimlich manoeuvre. 185 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,880 LAUGHTER 186 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,240 - I couldn't think how often that would come up. - No, not really. 187 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,920 Not when you're on your own, in particular. 188 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,800 People will try anything, basically. 189 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,760 Now, why does this house have bricked up windows? 190 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:45,880 Ah, I expect there'll be a klaxon, 191 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:48,640 but there was window tax, wasn't there? 192 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:51,200 KLAXON 193 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,880 People like to go around the place and point at a black window 194 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,040 and go, "Window tax, you see?" 195 00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,280 Yeah, I'm one of those people. 196 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,960 Because there was a window tax from the 1690s right up to 1851. 197 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,800 What is this, then? A sort of 18th century fashionably solid curtain? 198 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,320 Yes, basically. 199 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,720 It was just to balance the house out, basically. 200 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,520 There were a lot of bricked in ones but this is an example 201 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:18,200 of where it was just used to make it look slightly more symmetrical. 202 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,920 It looks slightly like they had a child they didn't love 203 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:24,080 and they bricked them into a part of the house. 204 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:29,160 Looking at the brickwork, I think there was an extension somewhere. Anyway... 205 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:33,960 That doesn't excuse the fact that Granny has been living in that slim portion of... 206 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,880 They just slide pizzas under the door. 207 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,720 Was there not a brick tax at one point? I think you can tell 208 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,680 the age of some London buildings by the size of the brick. 209 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:47,440 Is that right? Certainly before the window tax, there was a hearth and chimney tax for fireplaces. 210 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,600 Then they decided the window tax would be a good idea. 211 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:54,800 It was in the 1850s that they realised the British glass industry was doing very badly. 212 00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:58,160 There's an example... Those were blanked out for window tax. 213 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,360 A, people were not getting enough light 214 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:04,560 and it was very disadvantageous for the poor who lived in dark places, 215 00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:07,840 and the British glass industry was getting really depressed. 216 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,280 But the candle makers were raking it in. 217 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:12,560 Candle makers were raking it in, there is that. 218 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:15,480 Is it or isn't it where daylight robbery comes from? 219 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:20,280 This idea of taking away the windows and window tax was daylight robbery. I'm not sure. 220 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:24,040 No, I think daylight robbery is you just take something in plain sight. 221 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,280 It's shameless robbery, daylight robbery. 222 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,560 That house would make a very good advent calendar. 223 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:31,320 Yes, it would. 224 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,000 Imagine that. A huge chocolate behind... 225 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,520 LAUGHTER 226 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,760 Scare the life out of the children! 227 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:43,920 Surely somebody's rung the doorbell and gone, "By the way, they've repealed the window tax." 228 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,920 But other countries have chosen other strange taxes. 229 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:49,040 What do you think they taxed in Amsterdam? 230 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:52,240 There's a narrowness, isn't there? The width of the building. 231 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,560 Yes, they taxed the width in Amsterdam. 232 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:58,240 Hence you get those extraordinary, Dutch, very, very narrow houses. 233 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:02,520 - And all of them have that gable extended... - For a pulley system? 234 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:06,280 So everything got lifted up cos the doors were too narrow to bring things in. 235 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:10,320 It results in rather beautiful architecture, don't you think? 236 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:14,000 - Nobody agrees with me. Everyone thinks it's hideous... - It's lovely. 237 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,320 - I think they just look very narrow. - Well, yes! 238 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,200 Nice buildings, could be a bit wider. 239 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,840 It's the sort of building that I think, ooh, 240 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:25,480 - imagine if you'd forgotten something on the top floor... - That's true. 241 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:30,240 And you'd gone... You'd buy another. Whatever it was, you'd buy another. 242 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,880 It's nice to have the stairs up, maybe in a spiral, 243 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,880 but there should be a pole down. 244 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:38,640 - Have you ever been down a fireman's pole? - No, I haven't! 245 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:39,960 LAUGHTER 246 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,680 You really tried to keep a straight face! 247 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,360 I meant it in the most serious way. 248 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:48,560 That raises a question, why don't firemen live in bungalows? 249 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:53,720 Why the pole? Why not be on the same level as the fire truck? 250 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,600 Because you've got to jump into your boots, haven't you? 251 00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:02,360 No, you don't, you can just put them on! Just pull the boots on! 252 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:05,560 It's Wallace and Gromit you're thinking of! 253 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,800 Oh, going to a fire isn't enough of an adventure, is it? 254 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,400 It's not exciting enough. 255 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,080 It's quite scary, I visited a fire station in Indiana 256 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,680 and they said, "Go on, jump." 257 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:22,200 And there's a pole, and I suddenly realised, I don't want to do this. 258 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,720 I eventually did it, and it's horribly squeaky, 259 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:28,840 - like nails on a blackboard. - Is it like a slide that's warm? 260 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,800 It should have been oiled, I feel. 261 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,800 LAUGHTER 262 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:38,200 Oil's flammable! They can't turn up at a fire covered in oil! 263 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,240 That's true! I hadn't thought it through! 264 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:42,880 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 265 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:47,000 You're quite right. Yeah, I don't think these things through. 266 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:52,040 Surely there's training, because I would presume if you jump and grab it with cloth, 267 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:55,400 you'll just go straight down at nearly terminal velocity. 268 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:59,680 - Grab it with your leg. - Get nasty burns. 269 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:03,000 That would be an ironic thing, to get a burn on the way to a fire. 270 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,640 While they're going down holding on with their legs, 271 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:09,560 - they're putting their hat on and doing their... - Bungalow. 272 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:13,280 - You're right. - Bungalows, I'm sorry. - The fire engines take up all the room. 273 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:18,280 That's true, you've got to have... Two machines abreast is usual, isn't it, 274 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,960 and if all the living quarters were next door... 275 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:25,240 - Sorry, I just thought of breasts. - LAUGHTER 276 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,320 Two machines...? 277 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:30,200 Two machines per breast! 278 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:35,080 It was an odd moment, Alan, because I was with you. 279 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:38,240 LAUGHTER 280 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,840 - Some sort of pumping going on... - Oh, dear! 281 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:45,240 - Lifting machine, or a... - Never mind, no. Anyway... 282 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:48,840 What I don't like is they no longer have a ladder on the top 283 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:53,160 that sometimes comes adrift and one dangles off the end going round corners. 284 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,840 Oh, yes, like in, was it One Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing 285 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:59,200 or one of those Disney films where they go round London...? 286 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,000 The only recent film, I think it was Terminator 3. 287 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,840 Oh, did they use it in Terminator 3? 288 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:08,920 - The Terminator was hanging off the end and went through buildings. - Wow. 289 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:12,280 It was very exciting. I think it was perhaps done on a computer. 290 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,840 Yeah, that's probably true. 291 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:18,320 Now, talking of large tax bills, 292 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:21,320 named the best paid sportsman of all time. 293 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,640 - So it's not going to be one of those. - I was going to say one of those, 294 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:28,440 - I was going to say that one on the left. - Were you? Not the best laid! 295 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,560 KLAXON SOUNDS 296 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:31,800 That's ridiculous! 297 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,520 LAUGHTER 298 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,680 - Thought crime for Alan Davies! - Absolutely! 299 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,920 - Is it of all-time? So... - It's going to be relative, 300 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:44,120 - so it's going to be someone in Ancient Greece or something. - Spartacus. - Imperial Rome. 301 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,560 Imperial Rome is indeed where we need to be, yeah. 302 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,240 - Is it a gladiator of some description? - Not a gladiator. 303 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:51,600 - Charioteer? - Charioteer. 304 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:55,600 A charioteer by the name of Gaius Appuleius Diocles, 305 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:59,600 and he was a Lusitanian Spaniard, and he was the greatest sportsman of his age. 306 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,520 He wasn't a looker, though, was he? 307 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:05,160 That might not be accurate! We know he was... 308 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,720 What makes you say that?! 309 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,040 Judging by the horses... 310 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:12,880 After a while, you do turn into a little bit like the animal that you work with. 311 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:14,840 LAUGHTER 312 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,640 He won 1,462 races, 313 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:24,280 which racked up 35,863,120 sesterces in prize money, 314 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:27,400 as recorded in a monumental inscription, exactly that amount. 315 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,680 He's the champion of all charioteers, 316 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:32,240 and if you compare this to the average wage of the day 317 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:35,720 and use all the calculations that people use to determine these things, 318 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:40,960 his career winnings amounted to an equivalent of 15 billion. 319 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,840 - Quite astonishing amount of money. - That would make Tiger Woods pale! 320 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,120 That's a fantastic... 321 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:48,600 Tiger Woods was the first to earn a billion, 322 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:51,840 so he's certainly the best paid of our time, but not of all time. 323 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,280 - I wish charioteer was rhyming slang. - For...? 324 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,040 (QUIETLY) You know, a queer. 325 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,640 Oh! 326 00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,800 I think we've got enough words! 327 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:01,200 Another one! 328 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:07,040 - Iron and ginger. - It would've been funnier... - "He's a charioteer." 329 00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:08,680 Chariot! 330 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,720 LAUGHTER 331 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,040 If we pretended. 332 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,680 HE WHINNIES 333 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,920 LAUGHTER 334 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:21,640 - Ben Hur. - Yeah, Ben Hur. - Well, Ben Hur would suit, I think. 335 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,640 If you try to reclaim it, to empower yourself by using a word 336 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,080 we just invented that was never actually slang, 337 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,760 and you're going, "Well, I am a charioteer 338 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,520 "and none of you can say it." 339 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:37,320 It's our word, we've got it back for ourselves. A charioteer of fire. 340 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,320 - Down a pole. - Hey! 341 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:45,280 - You reclaimed that in under a minute. It's the fastest ever. - It was pretty good, wasn't it? 342 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:52,320 Well, anyway, this was in 146 AD that he retired as the richest sportsman. 343 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:55,960 And they had four horses and there were up to 12 teams 344 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,160 and they would go round a lap, like Ben Hur, 345 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:03,800 and the skill was cornering, it was incredibly difficult. And he won nearly 1,500 races. 346 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:08,560 - Nero used to race in chariot races and he always won everything. - Yeah. 347 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,880 So what used to happen, on one occasion he fell out of the chariot 348 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,960 and everybody stopped and pretended that their horse had got 349 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:18,600 something wrong with them, having a look, going, "Is he back in?" 350 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,480 - And then he got back in and he won. - Gosh! 351 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:25,720 - Is it true or is it a myth that people were killed in the filming? - In the original Ben Hur, 352 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:29,960 - the silent one, I think people were killed, in the previous version. - In the silent one 353 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,200 they were going at phenomenal speed. 354 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,280 - Nobody minded in those days. - No, you couldn't hear a thing. 355 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:39,120 - No, quite. - ALAN WAILS 356 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:41,000 The card comes up. 357 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,960 Do you know the connection between Ben Hur and Billy the Kid? 358 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:47,120 Well, do you know who wrote Ben Hur the novel? 359 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,280 I feel like I did know it and now I don't. 360 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,760 He was a man called Wallace and he was the governor of New Mexico. 361 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:57,160 - And he was the one who signed Billy the Kid's death warrant. - That's fabulous trivia. 362 00:19:57,160 --> 00:20:00,920 - Isn't it? - Yes. Well done, you. I think you should get an extra point for that. 363 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,320 LAUGHTER 364 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:05,920 Thank you very much. Staying in that period of time for a moment, 365 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:10,920 please fill me in on this little piece of information. Who had to return to their birthplace 366 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:15,360 - for the census? - This is going to be one of those things where we say 367 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:18,440 Joseph and Mary and it isn't Joseph and Mary because... 368 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,160 KLAXON SOUNDS 369 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:26,960 - Yeah, it isn't that at all because. - Tiger Woods? - It's not. 370 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:30,200 Clever, always being one step behind. 371 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:34,920 - LAUGHTER - The story is given in one of the Gospels - Luke - 372 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:38,440 where it says that Caesar Augustus, if you remember, in those days 373 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,440 issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire 374 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:46,720 - Roman world. And we know this is simply... - Not true. The dates are all over the place. 375 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:50,160 No, there was never a census of the entire Roman world. 376 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,280 And there is also absolutely no truth in the fact that you had to 377 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:56,880 return to the place of your birth in order to complete a census. 378 00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:01,520 There's only one reason why Luke would want you to think 379 00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:05,160 that Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem to give birth. 380 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:09,160 - To fulfil the prophecy? - To fulfil the prophecy is the point. 381 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,360 In the Old Testament it says that the Messiah will be born 382 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:15,600 from the stem off Jesse, and that means? 383 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,400 What is the stem of Jesse? 384 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:21,160 There's so many answers I don't even know where to begin. LAUGHTER 385 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,320 What time is this broadcast? 386 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:27,560 King David in the Bible was David, son of Jesse. 387 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:32,320 And in the various prophecies, they say the Messiah will be born 388 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:35,480 in Bethlehem from the stem of Jesse, i.e. from the family. 389 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:40,240 But it's all about Joseph, and Mary, supposedly, is a virgin, 390 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,520 so the stem of Jesse's got nothing to do with it. 391 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:47,080 - I know, the whole thing doesn't make sense. - What?! 392 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:51,240 - I don't believe for a minute. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 393 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:55,360 I spent a lot of time on this as a kid in Ireland. 394 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:59,360 Don't tell me now, don't let the scales fall from my eyes now. 395 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:03,640 It doesn't make any sense anyway. If you were going to count people... 396 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:07,400 - If we had the census here, I'd have to go back to Copenhagen. - That's the point. 397 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:11,240 It's only put in there in order to get him to be born in Bethlehem. 398 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,760 Luke is the Gospel writer who's most determined 399 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,120 to fit in all the prophesies. 400 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:20,880 And it wasn't a Bethlehem tourist board-type thing, where they said, 401 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,720 "Is there any chance you could place this story here? 402 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:28,760 "We've got the guys with the relics ready to go! 403 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,240 "Can you shift it to us?" 404 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:35,920 - Like Santa Claus, Lapland, versus Santa Claus, North Pole. - Yes. 405 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:39,040 This is probably exactly an excellent parallel to draw 406 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,440 between the two things! 407 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,200 But Lapland have just decided that's where Santa lives. 408 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:46,960 - And of course, the real St Nicholas came from Turkey. - Of course. 409 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,920 And lived in the North Pole! 410 00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:54,080 The things we've really been cheated on are the really interesting books 411 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,000 that should have been in the Bible. 412 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,520 The Bible was assembled over a long period of time, 413 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,760 well after the birth of Christ. 414 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,960 It was 300 years later, they got together. 415 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,400 There were constant conferences going on, 416 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:09,480 deciding on which bits of scripture they should include in the Bible. 417 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,400 There are some wonderful ones about the infancy of Christ. 418 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:15,640 Wouldn't this make you more interested in Jesus? 419 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:19,000 This is one here. They're the Infancy Gospels, 420 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,360 which were rejected from the final cut of the Bible. 421 00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:25,680 Is this like an Easter egg, ironically, on a DVD? 422 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,240 "Mary dismounted from her beast 423 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:30,000 "and sat down with the child Jesus in her bosom, 424 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,280 "and there were, with Joseph, three boys, 425 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,880 "and Mary, a girl, going on the journey along with them, 426 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,680 "and lo, suddenly, there came forth from the cave many dragons. 427 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,440 "When the children saw them, they cried out in great terror. 428 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,040 "Then, Jesus went down from the bosom of his mother 429 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,120 "and stood on his feet before the dragons, 430 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:48,520 "and they adored Jesus and thereafter retired." 431 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:50,080 Oh, that's fantastic! 432 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:51,680 That's marvellous! 433 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:55,240 Wouldn't you have paid more attention in Sunday school?! 434 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,840 You're reading that to us in your Harry Potter voice, as well! 435 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,840 The Bible meets Puff, The Magic Dragon - that's fantastic! 436 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:11,080 That is typical - "Oh, that lizard? That's a dragon! That's a dragon!" 437 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,600 What did the 2001 census reveal to be 438 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:15,720 the fourth-largest religion in Britain? 439 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:19,840 This is going to go off, but I'm going to say Jedi. 440 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:21,720 KLAXON BLARES 441 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:25,520 No, the fourth-largest number of people put Jedi as their religion, 442 00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:28,560 but they were not counted as a religion. 443 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:31,600 Those who put Jedi were put in the box "No religion". 444 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,440 They were ruled out for being silly. 445 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:37,080 For being silly. The fourth-biggest religion is, in fact, in Britain? 446 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:41,040 - Christian's got to be the top one still. Muslim second? - Yeah. 447 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,520 Sikh? Hindu? 448 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,320 Yes, fourth is Sikh. There were 14 Scots who put "Sith". 449 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:51,840 Do you know when they released the press release about this... 450 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:55,000 Was it something like 37,000 or something? 451 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,760 Huge, more than that, 390,000. 452 00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,840 The actual official form said... 453 00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,400 - What was the number? - 390,000. 454 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:05,080 It was released as, "390,000 Jedi there are." 455 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:08,000 That is very good! 456 00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:13,240 I'm reminded of an injustice that we did to you last series, Dara. 457 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,880 Do you remember, we did this thing about a louse 458 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:18,120 that goes into the tongue of fish? 459 00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,960 - Yes, I remember that, it was revolting. - It was revolting. 460 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,440 It goes into the tongue, it eats the fish's tongue 461 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:26,160 and becomes the fish's tongue and lives inside them, 462 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:31,040 and you said, "But surely fish don't have tongues?" 463 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:32,480 I brushed you off. 464 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:36,160 In, I'm sure, a friendly way, I said, "Silly Dara!" 465 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:37,520 No, you stood over me, 466 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:40,560 I remember vividly, with a cane, and you beat me! 467 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:45,920 You said, "Your impertinence! You're here at my mercy!" 468 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,160 - It turns out that fish don't have tongues. - Yes! 469 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:51,600 You're right, so I can give you some points for that from last time. 470 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,320 They look like tongues, but they aren't muscles 471 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:57,640 and they don't have taste buds. They're called basihyal, 472 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:01,280 and they're quite a common dish in Newfoundland, cod's basihyal. 473 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,640 Sorry, is he going to get points and we weren't even there?! 474 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,920 - Al... - I've know loads of stuff I haven't said! 475 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:17,600 No, I'm OK, cos I came on in series two 476 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:20,960 and I mentioned a thing called the triple point of water being zero. 477 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,920 On series three, I came back and they said, 478 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:26,800 "No, we've had e-mails - actually, the temperature is 0.01." Right? 479 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,640 So I was one hundredth of a degree off on this, 480 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:32,640 and he docked me points the following year! 481 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,360 I'm happily take them, yeah! 482 00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:38,720 Exactly. What goes around comes around. Don't feel bad. 483 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,480 You may get points in two years' time. 484 00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:42,920 When you least expect it! 485 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,520 Stephen will appear and go, "Some points!" 486 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:52,760 It isn't actually a tongue, and it doesn't have taste buds, 487 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,040 as I say, but what's it actually for? 488 00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:57,360 Fooling Dara O Briain! 489 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,960 Getting bits out of your teeth. 490 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:04,440 - Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl! - I'm going to go, now, it's too late. 491 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,560 Nobody knows, is the answer. 492 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,320 You could have waved your "Nobody knows"... 493 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:12,320 If I do it now, can I have points in three years? 494 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:16,360 - Maybe! - Not understood this game at all! 495 00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:20,320 - You're not alone! - Like a nightmare! 496 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:22,760 On the subject of numbers, though, 497 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:26,200 what is the smallest uninteresting number? 498 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:30,320 - What's an interesting number? - They're all interesting to me. I really love numbers. 499 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:33,960 Three sounds quite interesting. It sounds more interesting than two. 500 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,720 Three is the magic number. 501 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,960 Three is sexy, four is somebody's going to fall out of bed. 502 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:43,000 We've got to go high. Numbers have fascinating properties. 503 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:46,000 But it doesn't make sense. The smallest most uninteresting... 504 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,520 If it was the smallest most uninteresting number... 505 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:51,000 - It's a paradox. - It would be interesting. 506 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,520 You're absolutely right. But nonetheless, it is, in mathematical terms 507 00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:58,440 the least-interesting number, but we're aware of the paradox behind it. 508 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:02,520 So, ignoring the paradox side of it, cos it is quite interesting, 509 00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:05,320 there is a number... 510 00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:07,080 Is it only of numerical interest, 511 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:09,280 or is it of a physical interest as well? 512 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:11,840 Do you know the Hardy-Ramanujan story? 513 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:14,720 I know so many Hardy-Ramanujan stories. 514 00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:17,280 There was a very great mathematician, 515 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:20,760 probably one of the three greatest mathematicians who ever lived, 516 00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:24,120 called Ramanujan, who was a self-taught Indian from Tamil Nadu, 517 00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:25,600 a remarkable man. 518 00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:29,360 He ended up being the first Indian to be a Fellow of the Royal Society 519 00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:31,440 or a Fellow of an Oxbridge college. 520 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:35,040 He worked with GH Hardy at Trinity College, Cambridge, 521 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:37,560 who was then the most famous mathematician around. 522 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:41,720 But he ended up in hospital with tuberculosis, and he was dying. 523 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,920 - It's an incredibly sad story. - Three years? 524 00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:46,440 That's right. Remarkable work. 525 00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:49,360 Anyway, Hardy went in one day to sit at his bedside 526 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:51,640 and couldn't think of anything to say. 527 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:55,920 And he said "Well, the licence number of the cab I came in was rather dull. 528 00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:58,960 "1729. That's not an interesting number, is it?" 529 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:03,200 And Ramanujan instantly said "On the contrary, it's the smallest number 530 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:06,800 "that is expressible as the sum of two cubes in two different ways." 531 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:09,440 Which is extraordinary, you must admit. 532 00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:13,040 You must have quite a mathematical mind to see that. So that, for example, 533 00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:17,080 - is an interesting number. - I feel like Homer Simpson at the moment. 534 00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:21,960 - Anyway, there is... - There is a number. 535 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:26,760 Let's put people out of their mathematical misery. 536 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:31,400 There is an online encyclopaedia of integer sequences, which lists thousands of sequences 537 00:29:31,400 --> 00:29:33,840 of integers which have different qualities. 538 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:38,400 And the smallest number which does not appear in any of these lists, 539 00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:41,920 and is therefore uninteresting, is 12,407. 540 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:44,760 But as Sandi rightly said, that makes it interesting. 541 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:48,200 It is the smallest number that does not appear to have any quality 542 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:51,320 that, to a mathematician, is interesting. 543 00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:53,800 - I feel kind of sad. - 12,407. 544 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:56,400 Now it's the most famous number in the country. 545 00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:58,640 It now becomes the most famous number, 546 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:02,080 - after 1729. - But it will now go on a list of QI facts. 547 00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:06,440 - So now it will be on a list. - Google it now, and it will appear. 548 00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:11,360 Yeah, but in pure mathmetical terms, arithmetical terms, it will remain uninteresting. 549 00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:15,360 You could stick it on Big Brother. You could let it win Britain's Got Talent. 550 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,320 The mathematicians will always regard it as... 551 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:21,960 LAUGHTER 552 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:24,200 It is still arithmetically uninteresting. 553 00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:27,680 But it has become culturally interesting. That's the difference. 554 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:30,680 On that bombshell, let's move on. 555 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:35,280 Now for something terribly important. Why did the MoD 556 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:37,400 want the PM to join the AA? 557 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:43,760 - This present David Cameron PM, or any? - No, the Prime Minister at the time was Harold Macmillan. 558 00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:48,160 Did the MoD want the country to become part of the Temperance movement? 559 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:50,800 No, it's not that AA. 560 00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:54,480 - The Automobile Association. - Exactly, that AA. 561 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,880 - Really? - Yes. So Harold Macmillan was Prime Minister. 562 00:30:57,880 --> 00:31:00,920 - What was going on in the world then? - The Cold War. 563 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:04,840 The Cold War was at its height, and they knew Kennedy had this system - 564 00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:10,600 wherever he was, he could retaliate if the Soviets sent missiles. And they wanted a similar system. 565 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:12,480 SANDI LAUGHS 566 00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:17,560 There's Lord Mountbatten, who was the chief of staff at the time. 567 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:20,760 And they said "We'd better have men with the Prime Minister 568 00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:24,400 "who have radios and things in case there's news of a Soviet attack." 569 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,480 And they said "That's too expensive", 570 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:32,120 and the Prime Minister said "I don't want people following me around. Let's use the system the AA use." 571 00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:36,440 The idea was that they would get a signal from the AA 572 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:40,160 to the car if the Soviets launched a strike. 573 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:43,320 That would mean the Prime Minister could then stop off 574 00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:47,240 at the nearest telephone and issue the order for a counter-strike. 575 00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:52,360 And there were some very exciting memos. This is very British. You'll like this very much. 576 00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:58,280 Brian Saunders, private secretary to the Minister, said "It will be necessary for someone to make 577 00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:02,600 "a daily or weekly call to the AA control station to check that they're in working order. 578 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,800 "I understand that if an emergency arose 579 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:08,080 "while the Prime Minister was on the road, 580 00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:11,160 "the proposal is to use the radio to get him to a telephone. 581 00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:14,880 "Perhaps we should see that our drivers are provided with four pennies." 582 00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:17,520 They really thought it through. 583 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:21,320 So that could stop you - "All right, we've got the signal. 584 00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:24,000 "There are bombs on the way from the Soviet Union." 585 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,520 Stop off at a kiosk, and nobody's got any money. 586 00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:28,480 But they'd thought about that. But no. 587 00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:31,240 The Prime Minister's private secretary replied 588 00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:34,520 "Shortage of pennies should not present any difficulties 589 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:37,520 "such as you envisage. In such cases, it's a simple matter 590 00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:41,200 "to have the cost of any telephone call transferred by dialling 100 591 00:32:41,200 --> 00:32:43,560 "and requesting reversal of the charge." 592 00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:50,960 This is all true. "This doesn't take any appreciable extra time. The system works in both normal 593 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,560 "and STD telephone kiosks, 594 00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:56,440 "and our drivers are well aware of it." 595 00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:58,240 So we were safe all the time. 596 00:32:58,240 --> 00:33:01,160 If there was a missile, we'd have got a message, said "Look, 597 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:04,320 "there's a red kiosk", he'd have stopped, got in 598 00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:06,560 and called up the operator and said 599 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:11,520 "I want to call the Ministry of Defence armed bunker. 600 00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:14,800 "Could you reverse the charges?" 601 00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:18,720 "It's the Prime Minister here." "Get off the line!" 602 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:23,000 Doen't he look marvellous, the AA? Have I misremembered this - 603 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:26,760 - Didn't they used to salute if you were a member as you drove past? - That's right. 604 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:31,760 - We should have that back again. - They'd be veering off the road. 605 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:36,560 They have our security at heart, because Bligh considered buying full membership 606 00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:41,680 of the RAC as well, just in case. They really lashed out. 607 00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:44,520 But they discovered after the Cuban missile crisis 608 00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:47,440 that they didn't have any protocols in place 609 00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:49,600 for firing our nuclear weapons, 610 00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:52,640 which is how they ended up with this thing 611 00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:54,720 where when you become Prime Minister, 612 00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:57,640 you sit down and write a letter to the Trident captains 613 00:33:57,640 --> 00:33:59,600 that's then sent to the submarine. 614 00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:01,760 And when the captain gets the letter, 615 00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,720 he burns the old letter that's in the submarine safe 616 00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:07,120 - and replaces it with the new one. - Really? 617 00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:10,720 Yeah, and apparently when you become Prime Minister, 618 00:34:10,720 --> 00:34:13,560 you're sat down and told there are four possible options 619 00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:15,560 of what you can tell the captain. 620 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:18,960 One is to nuke Moscow. The other one is to surrender. 621 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,680 The other one is to go to America and hand yourself over 622 00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:23,720 and the other one's to go to Sydney. 623 00:34:23,720 --> 00:34:26,480 And no-one knows what they write in the letters, 624 00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:30,560 and the letters are then destroyed when the government changes hands. 625 00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:35,280 So a decision is made years before, when they arrive? 626 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:37,960 They can change their minds and write another one. 627 00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:40,960 But surely they should change their mind 628 00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:43,640 as the situation unfolds at the time? 629 00:34:43,640 --> 00:34:46,480 It's to do with the Today programme as well. 630 00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:49,320 They come up at 6 o'clock in the morning GMT, 631 00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:53,800 and if the Today programme's not on on long wave, they assume the worst 632 00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,560 - and open the safe. - So would I. - Good Lord. 633 00:34:56,560 --> 00:35:00,560 If John Humphrys wasn't there, I wouldn't know what to do. 634 00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:03,680 I hope they remember there's no Today programme on Sundays. 635 00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:07,480 I'm sure they've thought about that. 636 00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:13,080 What if the war started in Sydney and...? 637 00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:16,240 One of the options is also "You make your mind up." 638 00:35:16,240 --> 00:35:19,800 I bet all the captains have peeked at the letter. 639 00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:23,920 Steamed it open with a kettle. "Ooh." 640 00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:25,640 "He signed it Dave!" 641 00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:32,200 "And he admits he doesn't know what the Big Society means himself." 642 00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:35,800 Anyway, now it's time to include all of our incompetencies 643 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:39,520 into one easily managed inquiry that we call General Ignorance. 644 00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:44,960 Fingers on buzzers. What does the eye represent in the US dollar? 645 00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:46,320 MEN CHANT 646 00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:47,920 - Yes, Al? - Freemasonry? 647 00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:49,000 KLAXON 648 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:53,000 - Oh, you fell into our trap. - I knew it. 649 00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:55,880 In fact, the eye was used as a symbol in freemasonry 650 00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:57,960 after the design of the dollar. 651 00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:03,240 It's just an all-seeing Providence, supposedly. It's just there to show... 652 00:36:03,240 --> 00:36:05,560 It's a bit trippy, though, isn't it? 653 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:08,120 - It's a weird thing. - Benjamin Franklin was a Mason. 654 00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:11,800 He was the only Mason on the design committee of the dollar bill, 655 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:15,880 but he wasn't on the final committee and the eye was not used 656 00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:19,320 - as a Masonic symbol until after. - A committee designed that? - Yes. 657 00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:22,600 Remarkable that you'd get that passed by a committee 658 00:36:22,600 --> 00:36:25,560 and they'd go "Yeah, why don't we stick a..." 659 00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:30,440 - A floating eye. - "A floating, freaky, disembodied eye, we all like that?" 660 00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:35,000 - "Yeah, great idea! Let's do that." - "I still want the cock and balls." 661 00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:36,320 LAUGHTER 662 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:42,680 "Sure we don't just want a natural scene, like a river or something normal?" 663 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:44,920 "No, a floating eye. A floating, 664 00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:50,200 "disembodied, all-seeing eye above a pyramid. What could be more American than that?" 665 00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:54,400 - "OK." - The extraordinary thing is that it hasn't changed. 666 00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:58,400 Ours changes all the time. And there's that old quiz question - 667 00:36:58,400 --> 00:37:02,720 is it 100,000 acres, a million acres or 10 million acres of woodland 668 00:37:02,720 --> 00:37:06,560 that is chopped down every year for making American currency notes? 669 00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:10,160 They're not made of paper, probably. 670 00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:12,600 No, they're made of linen. So no trees. 671 00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:15,040 What were the inhabitants of Mexico 672 00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:17,120 called before the Europeans arrived? 673 00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:20,000 - I'm going to say Aztecs. - Oh! 674 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:21,560 KLAXON BLARES 675 00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:25,520 - No. - Mexicans? 676 00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:29,160 Basically, Mexica, yeah. Aztec was the reference to an island 677 00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:35,680 in the middle of the lake from which they traced their source, but they didn't call themselves Aztecs. 678 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:38,280 - It looks like a fantastic place. - It looks great. 679 00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:41,680 Imagine how excited the Spanish were that they'd conquered it 680 00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:44,360 and killed all its people and stolen all its gold. 681 00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:48,200 It's a massive selection of Mexican transgender people. 682 00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:53,360 They are a Nahua people, and their language is Nahuatl. 683 00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:56,920 And there are words in English that are derived from Nahuatl. 684 00:37:56,920 --> 00:38:00,240 Points are available if you can give me some Nahuatl words we use. 685 00:38:00,240 --> 00:38:03,200 - Chocolate. - Chocolate is one. Very good. 686 00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:04,960 I've run out. 687 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:06,920 Burrito? 688 00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:08,360 Burrito! 689 00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:14,560 Burrito is Spanish for "little donkey", 690 00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:19,240 because it's in the shape of a little donkey. Your breakfast burrito. It's not that. 691 00:38:19,240 --> 00:38:24,160 - Guacamole? - I don't think so. I think that's also Spanish. 692 00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:26,240 Refried beans? 693 00:38:26,240 --> 00:38:27,880 Tequila? 694 00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:31,960 - I'll give you tequila. - Really? - Tequila is a Nahuatl word. 695 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:35,280 You got that by a process of elimination. 696 00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:39,080 That is not knowledge, that's a crapshoot. 697 00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:41,440 Welcome to QI. 698 00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:44,400 You could have tomato. 699 00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:49,240 - Tomato! - Very good. - Tequila. 700 00:38:49,240 --> 00:38:53,480 We've already had tequila. But I haven't yet heard avocado. 701 00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:54,800 I said avocado. 702 00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:58,680 - Oh, then you get the avocado points. - Avocado. 703 00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:04,480 Breaking news just coming in. Guacamole is a Nahuatl word! 704 00:39:04,480 --> 00:39:06,560 Oh! 705 00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:11,280 - Guacamole. - Yeah. Yes, indeed. 706 00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:13,120 Sex and drugs and guacamole. 707 00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:18,920 Do you not think it sounds like Toad of Toad Hall's Mexican cousin? 708 00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:24,920 Guacamole. Guacamole's coming over. Ai, ai, ai! Arriba! 709 00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:29,840 You could have had chilli as well. Anyway, there we are. 710 00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:31,840 What did Prince Albert invent? 711 00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:34,480 - Oh, the cock ring. - Oh! 712 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:36,200 KLAXON BLARES 713 00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:42,160 - Yeah? - The comb-over. 714 00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:48,640 Bizarrely, there was something he did invent, which is not 715 00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:50,680 quite as intimate as the item 716 00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:55,200 - of piercing jewellery that you referred to. - A cutlass? - No. 717 00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:59,000 He and Victoria were very young when they married, 20-years-old. 718 00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:02,760 And she was very nervous. She wrote a diary, as you may know. 719 00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:08,480 And it was quite an intimate diary, and she described the wedding night - not the full, physical details, 720 00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:12,680 but she described the experience as, "both gratifying and bewildering." 721 00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:14,600 Isn't that rather wonderful? 722 00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:16,840 We've all been there... LAUGHTER 723 00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:19,760 So anyway - they enjoyed enough to have nine children, 724 00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:22,840 and what he invented was a device that allowed them 725 00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:25,240 to lock the bedroom door from the bed. 726 00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:29,760 To give them marital privacy. Isn't that rather splendid? 727 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:31,640 Dude! 728 00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:34,960 - Yeah... - LAUGHTER 729 00:40:34,960 --> 00:40:37,600 Excuse me while I just... Fsst! 730 00:40:39,240 --> 00:40:44,000 But he wore very tight trousers, and this myth grew up in the 20th century 731 00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:47,640 that he somehow anchored his penis to one side of his body or another 732 00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:50,800 by means of some sort of ring that was therefore able to 733 00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:52,920 pull it backwards so that it wasn't on show 734 00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:54,840 at parties, because he was a Victorian 735 00:40:54,840 --> 00:40:59,360 and it would have been rude wearing such tight trousers. But there is no evidence for this. 736 00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:01,000 What noise does a mute swan make? 737 00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:06,240 - And you're allowed to do an imitation, if you like. - 'Allo. 738 00:41:06,240 --> 00:41:08,600 LAUGHTER 739 00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:10,040 I could break your arm. 740 00:41:10,040 --> 00:41:14,400 LAUGHTER 741 00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:16,400 Does that, doesn't it? 742 00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:18,680 HE MOUTHS KLAXON BLARES 743 00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:20,000 Oh! Dear, oh dear, oh dear. 744 00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:24,720 Well, you'd think being called a mute swan... I'm afraid again you've fallen into our trap. 745 00:41:24,720 --> 00:41:26,720 They hoot, don't they, like a goose? 746 00:41:26,720 --> 00:41:28,880 There's a range of noises that swans make - 747 00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:31,320 hissing, snorting, grunting and indeed honking. 748 00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:33,640 They do all those noises. 749 00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:37,040 They just do it more quietly than other species of swan 750 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:39,400 and therefore they were called the mute swan. 751 00:41:39,400 --> 00:41:41,480 They make a very loud noise when they fly. 752 00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:45,840 They're the heaviest bird that flies, in all nature. 753 00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:49,760 They're rubbish landers, though, they are. 754 00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:52,720 They come in, and the feet are going like this. 755 00:41:52,720 --> 00:41:56,440 - That's my swan impersonation, landing on the Thames. - Very good. 756 00:41:56,440 --> 00:41:58,520 LAUGHTER 757 00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:01,440 Which brings us nicely to the swansong of the scores 758 00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:04,640 and what remarkable reading they make too, ladies and gentlemen. 759 00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:08,720 In first place with a majestic plus 11, Sandi Toksvig. 760 00:42:08,720 --> 00:42:11,840 APPLAUSE 761 00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:18,560 And in a very creditable second place, with plus six, Dara O'Briain. 762 00:42:18,560 --> 00:42:21,160 APPLAUSE 763 00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:28,920 And first time up, Al Murray can hardly be ashamed of minus 13. 764 00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:31,440 APPLAUSE 765 00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:37,600 And Alan is all too used to bringing up the rear with minus 22. 766 00:42:37,600 --> 00:42:40,400 APPLAUSE 767 00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:49,640 All that's left for me to do is to thank Sandi, Dara, Al and of course, Alan, 768 00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:53,560 and I leave you with this piece of sound financial advice from Will Rogers: 769 00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:56,320 "A fool and his money are soon elected." 770 00:42:56,320 --> 00:42:57,680 Good night. 771 00:42:57,680 --> 00:42:59,840 APPLAUSE 772 00:43:14,080 --> 00:43:17,120 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 773 00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:20,160 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk