1 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:34,919 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:39,719 and welcome to QI, where tonight, once again, the "I"s have it. 3 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:46,119 So, which international head of state snubbed Jesse Owens 4 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:48,639 after his triumph at the 1936 Olympics? 5 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:50,079 DING-DONG 6 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,279 Yes, Jack? Hitler. Ahhh! 7 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:53,840 BUZZER HOOTS 8 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:56,999 Oddly enough, it's not true. 9 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,679 It's what the whole world thinks but it isn't true 10 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:03,479 and we know this from no greater source than Jesse Owens himself. 11 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:07,999 In fact, it's a really rather sad and a very typically, I'm afraid, unfortunate story. 12 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:12,679 Jesse Owens, as you probably know, won four gold medals at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. 13 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:15,160 The Olympics was staged-managed, of course, by Hitler. 14 00:01:15,161 --> 00:01:20,639 Now, on the first day, Hitler congratulated only German winners. 15 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:25,799 And someone said to him that he should either congratulate all the winners or none of them. 16 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:29,919 So he said, "Well, in that case, I won't congratulate any winners." 17 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,199 So he didn't snub Jesse Owens at all. 18 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,399 In fact, according to Jesse Owens, he said, 19 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:39,319 "When I passed the Chancellor, he rose, waved his hand at me and I waved back at him." 20 00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:41,759 "Hitler didn't snub me. It was..." 21 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,519 King of England. 22 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:44,919 No. FDR. 23 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,639 Oh, bastard! The president of his own country. 24 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:50,759 He didn't personally congratulate Jesse Owens. 25 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:52,199 LAUGHTER 26 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,479 Who are you looking at there? 27 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:57,559 The bloke on the far right is just going like that... 28 00:01:57,560 --> 00:01:59,599 He is a bit. 29 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,440 That bloke on the far right is called Hermann Goering. 30 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:08,399 Surely they're all on the far right. 31 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:09,800 Ya-hey! 32 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,040 B-r-r-rilliant! 33 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:25,599 It's usual amongst George Formby fans, I believe, that they teach themselves the banjolele. 34 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:29,839 And as you are one, we have a banjolele. 35 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,199 Can you delight us with some Formby? 36 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,160 Am I on the spot? I don't know if it's tuned or not but just do what you can. 37 00:02:35,161 --> 00:02:37,239 Oh, don't worry about that. We'll be very happy. 38 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,279 My dog has fleas, is what you need to remember. My dog has... 39 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,960 Well, this one doesn't have fleas. He has distemper. 40 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:50,799 When I'm Cleaning Windows has got another bit that goes, 41 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:54,879 ♪ Eight o'clock, a girl awakes At ten past eight, a bath she takes 42 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:59,799 ♪ At quarter past, my ladder breaks When I'm cleaning windows... ♪ 43 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:03,040 Heh-heh heh-heh hey! Wahey! 44 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,559 There's a bit that goes 45 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:12,999 ♪ There's a famous movie queen She looks a beauty on the screen 46 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:17,319 ♪ She's more like 80 than 18 When I'm cleaning windows 47 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:21,959 ♪ She takes her hair down all behind Then takes down her never-mind 48 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:26,559 ♪ And finally takes down the blind When I'm cleaning windows. ♪ 49 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:28,439 Cheeky! 50 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:29,480 Brilliant. 51 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,359 Now for something terribly important. 52 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:40,479 Why did the MoD want the PM to join the AA? 53 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:44,559 This present, David Cameron, PM, or any? No. 54 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,840 The Prime Minister at the time was Harold Macmillan. 55 00:03:46,841 --> 00:03:51,999 Did the MoD want the country to become part of the temperance movement? 56 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,159 Ha ha! No, it's not that AA. The Automobile Association. 57 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,559 The Automobile Association, exactly. 58 00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:58,920 It's that AA. Really? Yes. 59 00:03:58,921 --> 00:04:02,839 So when Harold Macmillan was Prime Minister, what was going on in the world around that time? 60 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:06,199 The Cold War. The Cold War was at its absolute height. 61 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:09,559 And they knew that Kennedy had this system where, wherever he was, 62 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,000 he could retaliate in case the Soviets sent missiles. 63 00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:15,559 And they thought, "Well, we better have a similar system." 64 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,119 And they thought... 65 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:20,639 There's Lord Mountbatten who was the chief of staff at the time. 66 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:21,918 And they said, "Well, you know, 67 00:04:21,919 --> 00:04:24,360 "you better have men going round with the Prime Minister who 68 00:04:24,361 --> 00:04:27,159 "have got radios and things in case there's news of a Soviet attack." 69 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,479 And he said, "Well, that's far too expensive." 70 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:30,799 The Prime Minister said, 71 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,679 "I don't want people following me around all the time." 72 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:37,519 "I tell you what, we'll use the system the AA use." So, basically, the idea was 73 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:43,239 that they would get a signal from the AA to the car if the Soviets had launched a strike. 74 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,359 That would mean the Prime Minister could then stop off 75 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:50,319 at the nearest telephone and issue the order for a counter-strike. 76 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:53,359 And there were some very exciting memos. 77 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,439 This is very British. You'll like this very much. 78 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,679 Brian Saunders, private secretary to the Prime Minister, said, 79 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:03,879 "It will presumably be necessary for someone to make a daily or weekly call to the AA control station 80 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,680 "as a check that they are in working order. 81 00:05:05,681 --> 00:05:07,519 "And I understand that, 82 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,639 "if an emergency arose while the Prime Minister was on the road, 83 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:13,879 "the proposal is to use the radio to get him to a telephone. 84 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:17,959 "Perhaps we should see that our drivers are provided with four pennies." 85 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,599 They'd gone and thought it through. 86 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:23,999 So imagine them stopping and going, "All right, we've got the signal. 87 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,559 "There are bombs on the way from the Soviet Union." 88 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,599 "Stop off at the nearest kiosk," and nobody's got any money. 89 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:34,319 But they thought about that. Bligh, the Prime Minister's private principal secretary, replied, 90 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:38,399 "Shortage of pennies should not present any difficulties, such as you envisage. 91 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:41,319 "In such cases, it's a simple matter to have the cost 92 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:46,680 "of any telephone call transferred by dialling 100 and requesting reversal of the charge." 93 00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:50,839 This is all true! 94 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:54,039 "And this doesn't take any appreciable extra time. 95 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:59,519 "The system works in both normal and STD telephone kiosks. And our drivers are well-aware of it." 96 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,319 So we were safe all the time. 97 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,239 The Prime Minister would have got a message and said, 98 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,279 "Look, there's a red kiosk," 99 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:09,959 would have stopped, got in and called... called up the operator and said, 100 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:14,319 "I want to call the Ministry of Defence armed bunker. 101 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:17,000 "And could you reverse the charges?" 102 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:22,839 Scouting for Boys has got something on suicide? It has. 103 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:26,519 It has an amazing entry on suicide. Maybe you'd like to hear it? I would love to hear it. 104 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:29,559 "When a man has gone so far as to attempt suicide..." 105 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:33,959 They don't count women for some reason - "..a scout should know what to do with him. 106 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,599 "In a case where the would-be suicide has taken poison, give milk and make him vomit, 107 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:41,039 "which is done by tickling the inside of the throat with a finger or a feather. 108 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,639 "In the case of hanging, cut down the body at once, 109 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:47,079 "taking care to support him with one arm while cutting the cord. 110 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,719 "A tenderfoot, which is scouting for novice..." That's not hard. 111 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,798 To me, that sounds very simple. It does, doesn't it? 112 00:06:51,799 --> 00:06:53,960 "A novice is sometimes inclined to be timid about 113 00:06:53,961 --> 00:06:56,999 "handling an insensible man or dead man, or even seeing blood. 114 00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,560 "Well, he won't be much use till he gets over such nonsense." 115 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,999 Slaughtering cattle. Advice to young boys on how to slaughter cattle. 116 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,119 "If you're a beginner in slaughtering with a knife, 117 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:14,799 "it's sometimes useful to first drop the animal insensible 118 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:20,519 "by a heavy blow with a big hammer or the back of a felling axe on top of the head." 119 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,479 The kindest thing to do, really. 120 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,239 Stopping a runaway horse? 121 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:28,879 He doesn't give advice on that, does he? He does, yes. Lie down. 122 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,439 That would stop the horse? Oh, no. They don't tread on you. 123 00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:35,199 What you don't do is stand in front of it waving your arms. That's the mistake to make. 124 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:39,679 What you should do is go to the side and basically ease it towards the side of a wall or side of a house. 125 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,199 What, when it's running? Yeah. 126 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,119 You ease a running horse to the side of a wall? 127 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,959 Don't worry, mate, I'll just ease this running horse to the side of the wall. 128 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:53,599 It'll see you and will be pushed towards it. That will slow it down naturally according to Baden-Powell. 129 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:54,638 "Give us a hand." 130 00:07:54,639 --> 00:07:56,560 "I can't. Uncle Pete's hung himself." 131 00:07:56,561 --> 00:07:59,199 What about saving someone who's fallen in front of a train? 132 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:03,959 Oh, well, I know this. You ease the train up against the wall. 133 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,919 "If the train is very close, lie flat between the rails. 134 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,839 "Make the man do the same till the train passes over, 135 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:13,719 "while everyone else will be running about, screaming and excited, and doing nothing." 136 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,120 You're supposed to jump on the track with him. Yeah. 137 00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:18,919 And push his head down? Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'm going to do that. 138 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,719 Does that work, though? Is there such a big gap between the wheels? 139 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,798 It does in movies but I wouldn't be the one to try it. 140 00:08:23,799 --> 00:08:26,278 It'd be great if you hung yourself and then a Scout cut you down 141 00:08:26,279 --> 00:08:28,680 and you went, "Oh, don't worry, I'll jump under a train." 142 00:08:28,681 --> 00:08:31,359 And, again... He's here again! 143 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,119 All right, mate? 144 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,239 I've just done voice for them. 145 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,359 So if you have Tom-Tom or Garmin... 146 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,319 Huh-huh! No! 147 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:43,559 You'd drive along and it goes, "Now the interesting thing is..." 148 00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:46,759 LAUGHTER 149 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,360 APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH 150 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:54,559 "The most daft thing. You would not believe it but..." 151 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:58,039 Did you do it as if you were talking to me? That's the worry. 152 00:08:58,040 --> 00:08:59,759 "Left, you moron!" 153 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,799 If you take a wrong turn instead of making a U-turn, 154 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,319 does the hooter come on? 155 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,959 I've put my voice on Katie's. When she drives, it's me. 156 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,799 Oh, that's nice, because you can put your own voice on, can't you? 157 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:15,120 Yeah, you can record it. "Left, left, left! LEFT!" 158 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:19,239 Which is funny the first couple of times. 159 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:20,480 Yes, that's the problem. 160 00:09:20,481 --> 00:09:25,559 I had a sat-nav and the Nullarbor Plain in Australia, the big, long... 161 00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:26,880 Between Adelaide and Perth. 162 00:09:26,881 --> 00:09:29,799 Yeah, the longest straight road in the world. 163 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,959 And I started my bike, turned it on and it said, 164 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:37,519 "Drive forward for two days." 165 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:41,800 But the best bit was, it went, "Then turn left." 166 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,119 But the stupid thing was, it was such a long road, 167 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:52,880 I missed the left-hand turn! 168 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:57,679 Patrick Lichfield once told me a very good story. 169 00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:01,119 Oh! Beautiful name-drop, if I may say so. He was lovely. Did you know him? 170 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:06,519 I did. Such a lovely man. He'd been asked to photograph a royal wedding at Hampton Court. 171 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,959 The Queen told him it'd be the first time all the crowned heads of Europe 172 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,639 were together, available for a photograph. He said, 173 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:16,599 "Well, I know them all, ma'am. Everyone except Princess Catherine of Greece. 174 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,759 "She's very elderly. She's in a wheelchair." She said, "Oh, right." 175 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:24,479 "It's very difficult with all these heads, about 60 of them and everyone's ma'am," and so on. 176 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,999 And he noticed in the corner an elderly lady in a wheelchair. 177 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:28,240 He said, "Oh, marvellous!" 178 00:10:28,241 --> 00:10:32,079 He went over and pushed her into the photographs like this 179 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:33,360 and he took the picture. 180 00:10:33,361 --> 00:10:37,519 And the Queen said, "Patrick, who's that woman? 181 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:41,799 "Princess Catherine of Greece." She said, "No, it isn't." 182 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:46,599 Anyway, apparently some bloke had been on a tour of the house with his mother... 183 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:51,159 ..and needed the lavatory. And he just opened the door and shoved his mother through, 184 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:53,959 just to keep her quiet while he went to the lavatory. 185 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:58,959 And Patrick gave her a Polaroid of this elderly woman with all the crown heads of Europe. 186 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,600 That's fantastic! 187 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,319 Have a look at this glass tank behind me 188 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:08,079 and tell me how many balls there are in there. 189 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:09,160 One. 190 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,999 Two, three. Well done, Alan. 191 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,880 Four. So far, so good. Yep. Five. 192 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,759 The worst episode of the National Lottery, ever. 193 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,999 So how many are there in there, would you say? Five. 194 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,440 Five? Five. Well, it looked like five, didn't it? 195 00:11:27,441 --> 00:11:29,599 HOOTER BUZZES 196 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:35,119 But you might be rather surprised to know that there are actually over a thousand. 197 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:39,039 A thousand. And we can show you, perhaps, a better view of how many there are. 198 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,159 Watch that. 199 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:43,159 They're all invisible and, in fact, 200 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,799 we have an example of precisely these kinds of... 201 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,679 There they are. 202 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:50,159 Yeah, they're gooey. They're really weird. 203 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,879 They're called hydrogel beads. Are they edible? 204 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:58,559 I wouldn't want to take responsibility but I don't think they'll do you any harm. Try one. 205 00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,239 What are they used for? 206 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,479 Well, they have a commercial use, actually. 207 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,800 Oh, I broke it! Oh, no! Has it burst? Yeah, burst. 208 00:12:04,801 --> 00:12:07,719 No, it's sort of gone into pieces, actually. 209 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:11,199 It's a rather strange material. Can you guess their commercial use? 210 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,759 Packing things. No, flower arranging is one. 211 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:18,239 Is it for packing goldfish, when you get them through your... 212 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,959 Why aren't they making battleships out of it? 213 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:24,599 All kinds of new uses may be found. Submarines. Make a submarine out of it. 214 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,119 I have to say, this feels gorgeous. 215 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:31,519 JACK: It's quite good, isn't it? It's actually quite addictive, isn't it? 216 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,759 Something quite gorgeous about that. Yeah. 217 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:37,440 JACK: Might have a play around with that later. Yep, you might. 218 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:42,839 Another use is the manufacture of... 219 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:44,039 Behave! 220 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,359 That's disgusting. 221 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,160 Another use... 222 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,400 Jack's going to put his willy in it. 223 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:57,239 Oh, dear! I've already put it in that one. 224 00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:00,919 It's weird because when he put it in, you couldn't see it. 225 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,839 Ohhh! 226 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,920 It's the refractive index. I need time to think of a comeback! 227 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:12,839 What variety of lettuce did they serve on board the Titanic? 228 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,439 Iceberg. 229 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:15,959 GROANS 230 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,840 BUZZER HOOTS 231 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:24,159 Well, bless you for... I took one for the team, as it were. 232 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,159 You did take one for the team. 233 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,999 The iceberg lettuce had been developed in Pennsylvania 234 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,799 but was not available in Europe until many years later. 235 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,839 Was it is rocket, lollo rosso? 236 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,039 The answer is, we don't know. Oh. 237 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,839 We do know there were 700 heads of lettuce on board. 238 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,599 You make them sound like heads of state. I know! 239 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,559 The most grand of all the lettuce, the head of lettuce. 240 00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:47,959 Why did they only have 700 lettuce - how many were on the Titanic? 241 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:53,079 Either they'd already eaten that much and that's how much was saved, or they just didn't order that much. 242 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,319 What, they saved the lettuce, but not the people? 243 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:58,359 1,500 people died and they're going, 244 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,559 "Get the lettuce, for crying out loud!" 245 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:02,799 I have a horrible feeling I misread my card. 246 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:07,679 It was, "Hold the front page. 7,000 heads of lettuce." 247 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:11,279 No wonder the bloody thing sank, then, if it was full of lettuce. 248 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,519 Lettuces float. 249 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,919 Well, why did it sink, then? 250 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,840 What is wrong with these people? 251 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:23,879 What about the durable Mike Malloy, have you heard of him? 252 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,199 Now here's a man who really wouldn't die. 253 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,679 This is a very extraordinary story. 254 00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,199 The durable Mike Malloy. 255 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,399 We're in the age of Prohibition. 256 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,759 And we're in New York City. 257 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,399 And we've got a gang of criminals because, obviously, 258 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:41,239 anyone who runs a speakeasy is a criminal by definition, during Prohibition. 259 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:42,520 And they hit on a scam. 260 00:14:42,521 --> 00:14:49,439 They thought, "We'll get some drunks. We'll get them to sign life insurance forms to our benefit. 261 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:52,999 "And then we'll just feed them so much alcohol that they'll die." 262 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,559 "And we'll get all their money." 263 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:57,039 What can go wrong? 264 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,879 Had they never met Irish people before? 265 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,079 That's the problem. They were bankrupt. 266 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,320 They ran out of booze! 267 00:15:03,321 --> 00:15:07,879 So owner Anthony Marino hatched this plan. "We're going to need a bigger pub." 268 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:12,879 He got this Irishman called Mike Malloy. They befriended him, they plied him with free drinks. 269 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:16,559 And they got him to sign three different life insurance policies, 270 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,999 amounting to nearly 2,000, which was a lot of money in those days. 271 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:24,799 After several weeks of free booze, they started to get a bit impatient because, because he wasn't... 272 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,719 He kept singing the same songs! So they started... 273 00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:30,639 "God, he's doing that one again"! 274 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:34,559 ♪ Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the pipes... ♪ 275 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:38,039 They started adding antifreeze. 276 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:41,239 He collapsed a bit but he kept coming back for more drink. 277 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,479 So they then gave him drinks that were filled with turpentine, 278 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,639 horse liniment, rat poison, rotten oysters in wood alcohol 279 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:50,479 and sardines mixed with carpet tacks. 280 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:54,719 Do we have any record of... "Oh, thanks very much." None of this would have any effect. 281 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,999 I suppose if it's on the house... Yeah. 282 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,200 He's downing that. 283 00:15:58,201 --> 00:16:02,959 So, next, they got him drunk, they stripped him naked - this is midwinter in New York - and 284 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:07,399 they poured five gallons of cold water on him, before dumping him on a snow bank. 285 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:12,679 New York in midwinter is seriously cold, minus 20 degrees sometimes. Why didn't they just shoot him? 286 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,439 A bullet hole might have been a... ..a bit of a giveaway. 287 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,799 Oh, I don't know. I think naked on a mound of snow is quite a giveaway. 288 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:23,079 Well, he was very drunk. So drunk he was having sex with a snowman? 289 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:26,039 But the police found him and he turned up the next day saying, 290 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:29,959 "You'll never guess what happened. They found me in Central Park, on the snow, naked. 291 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:33,119 "Dunno how! They took me to a hostel and got me these nice new clothes." 292 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,839 So he carried on drinking and they were really getting desperate. 293 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,679 They paid a cab driver 150 bucks to knock him over. 294 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:42,639 After two attempts, they left him sprawled in the road, 295 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:44,959 awaiting news of his death. 296 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:49,279 Several weeks later, he came fresh out of hospital and turned up, looking for a drink. 297 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:53,239 So, finally, they challenged him to a rigged drinking contest. 298 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:55,199 They got him really, really pissed 299 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,719 and then pushed a gas hose in his throat and gassed him to death. Aw. 300 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,879 So they cheated. Yeah. 301 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:05,199 But a few months later, don't worry, they started squabbling amongst themselves 302 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:10,599 and all went down the river to Sing Sing and got fried in the electric chair, the whole gang of them. 303 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:16,039 The thing I find interesting about that story is when you said they put a gas hose in his mouth and cheated, 304 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:20,359 the audience went, "Aww." But, before that, when they were trying to kill the man, 305 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:23,599 you were going, "Well, that just sounds like bloody good fun!" 306 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:27,079 Then, the gas hose, you went, "Now that's not playing straight." 307 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,039 Not cricket. 308 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:32,919 It's an interesting morality you're working with there. 309 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,359 Take a good, hard look at yourselves. 310 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:39,319 There it is. That's the story of durable Mike Malloy. 311 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:40,520 A hero of his time. 312 00:17:40,521 --> 00:17:44,319 I've got a little task for you to do. A little Christmas party game. 313 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:47,919 I've got these phonebooks here and they've been interleaved. 314 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,479 That's all it is. There's no glue or anything. 315 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,719 They've literally, like a pack of cards, one page inside another... 316 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:58,719 That must have taken ages. It did. Our props people are very proud of their work. There you are. 317 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:03,239 We'll share. All I want you to do - you've got ropes there - is just pull them apart. 318 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:08,079 So you can take one each. Can't be done. Go on, pull them apart. It can't be done. 319 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,480 Go on. Try. You can't, can you? It can't be done. 320 00:18:10,481 --> 00:18:11,839 You literally can't. 321 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,240 It's quite extraordinary. 322 00:18:13,241 --> 00:18:16,000 Strong as Brian is... Go on, pull, Brian, pull! 323 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,160 Sean's alive! 324 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,359 How come your water wasn't spilt? That's magical. 325 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,239 Yes. Yes, it's an old trick. 326 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,799 Me and Brian have been doing this trick for years. 327 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,079 That is, I think, proof positive... 328 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,959 I'm trying to sit on top of me tipped-up chair. 329 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:55,119 A man as strong as Brian, he may pull Sean off his chair, but it can't be done. 330 00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:58,039 In fact, you need 8,000lbs of force in order to do it. 331 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,279 Really? Why? It really is quite bizarre. 332 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,559 It's friction. And it's just replicated each time by... 333 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,199 If you loosen them... 334 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,959 STEPHEN LAUGHS 335 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,719 This time it's me. This time it's personal! 336 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:13,440 He's having a tantrum. 337 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,480 ROSS: You can't, can you? 338 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:28,640 BRIAN: Still can't do it! 339 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,520 Hooray! 340 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:46,759 How can you tell which of these chicks is male and which is female? 341 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:50,639 Oh this must be, this must be. 342 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,839 Oh, I'm afraid not. BUZZER HOOTS 343 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:58,159 In the 1920s, the answer would have been "Nobody knows". 344 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:01,999 Oh, for crying out... But in 1929, the Japanese astonished the world 345 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:05,239 by revealing that they found a way to sex chicks. 346 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:08,480 In other words, to determine their gender. It sounds... 347 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,840 It sounds so wrong, doesn't it? I know how to sex a chick! 348 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,039 It seems impossible to the naked eye to do it 349 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:21,519 because you have to wait until they're six weeks old. 350 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,359 In the egg-laying industry, that's a heck of a waste 351 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:28,439 because male chicks are of no use whatsoever to the egg-laying industry. 352 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,759 Gassed on the first day? 353 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,319 Enjoy your eggs! 354 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,239 That's why... Ha! Quite. 355 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,919 So how do you tell the sex, how do you sex a chicken? 356 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:38,919 Well, it's very complex. That's the point. It's highly... 357 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,119 No, we do know. It's highly paid. 358 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:44,919 And the discovery lowered the price of eggs worldwide overnight. 359 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:47,919 That's how important it was. 360 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,800 And the Zen Nippon Chick-sexing School was founded. 361 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:57,799 That is true. 362 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:00,639 You're looking at a graduate. 363 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:04,159 And they taught their sexers in such a rigorous way that 364 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:07,999 only 5 to 10 percent of applicants received accreditation. 365 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,400 When you passed, you were paid huge sums of money. 366 00:21:10,401 --> 00:21:14,239 COD-CHINESE ACCENT: You're a chick master. Yeah, hundreds of dollars a day. 367 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:17,319 It was a really big business. Boy. It still is. How do you know? 368 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,159 I know. 369 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,320 You don't know. There was one handsome... 370 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:28,119 The best in the business can sex around 1,200 chicks an hour and there 371 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,559 are some incredibly talented ones who can have one in each hand... 372 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:35,479 Boy. Girl. Boy. Boy. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Boy. Girl. Girl. Girl. 373 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,160 Boy. Girl. Boy. Girl. Boy-y-y. 374 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:46,039 The point is, the point is you pick them up and you just go like that and pop them in bins. 375 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,279 Girl bin, boy bin. Girl bin, boy bin. 376 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,359 And you can do 1,200. 377 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,920 So, something to do with the weight? 378 00:21:51,921 --> 00:21:55,479 No, it's not. They look, they do a slight squeeze... A girl. 379 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,879 You won't like this, they do a slight squeeze. 380 00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:00,840 Eek! And if they go, "Ow," they're a girl. 381 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:07,719 That's naughty. If they go, "steady on, mate..." ..it's a boy. 382 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:12,599 They have a cloacal tract, which is their reproductive and their excretory tract, 383 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:16,799 and there is a slight difference in the ridges and bumps - sort of innies and outies that they have. 384 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,399 So you do a slight squeeze. 385 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:22,239 If it's too big, you throttle them or the outie becomes an innie, 386 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:23,480 so it's a real skill. 387 00:22:23,481 --> 00:22:26,199 This is something I vaguely knew about growing up in Norfolk. 388 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:30,840 Because, in Norfolk, there is a community of Vietnamese turkey-sexers who live... 389 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:34,159 I know it sounds mad! 390 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,519 I can never watch Platoon again! 391 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,239 You've ruined Apocalypse Now for me. 392 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:40,400 I'm sorry about that. 393 00:22:40,401 --> 00:22:42,479 What sexy chicken? 394 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:43,840 You tell me now! 395 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:46,799 This is this. 396 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,839 I know it sounds bonkers. 397 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:52,879 They live in tunnels under the Fens. 398 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,559 This is not in the Fens, it's in Norfolk, he said, defensively. 399 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,679 The Fens are in Cambridgeshire, I mean Huntingdonshire. 400 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,159 Tell me they work for Bernard, please. 401 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,479 Well, of course. Bernard Matthews is the largest employer for... 402 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:06,520 Mr Matthew, this one beau-iful. 403 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:17,639 Imagine being conned by a pig salesman. 404 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:20,039 It's called buying a pig in a poke. 405 00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:22,279 There is actually a phrase for it. 406 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,319 Pig salesmen used to be dishonest. Really? Yeah. 407 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:25,358 Can I say that, Nina? 408 00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:27,238 What, pig in a poke? Can I say that? 409 00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:29,440 Is that what that means? Go on, say pig in a poke. 410 00:23:29,441 --> 00:23:32,479 That is a challenge to a ventriloquist. Come on. 411 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,999 No, if I said pig in a poke, it's fine. You say it, Gran. 412 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,759 No. Ohhh! 413 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,599 Go on, Gran. Pig in a poke. 414 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:41,919 Yay! 415 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:44,279 That was impressive. 416 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:45,360 Oh, indeed. 417 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:50,079 How long do the best hugs last? 418 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,000 20 seconds. That's a very long hug. 419 00:23:52,001 --> 00:23:56,839 I would start getting embarrassed and restless if someone hugged me for 20 seconds. 420 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,439 Do you want to test that? Can we test that? 421 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:00,960 Yeah, no, please. 422 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,360 Oh, hello. Here we go. 423 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,999 That was lovely. 424 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,479 I'm on the clock. 425 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:13,999 I'm on the clock. 426 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,919 Yep. That was... Oh, God, this is too long. 427 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:21,839 It is really bad. This is too long. This is really long. Oh, I'm embarrassed now. 428 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,440 Dave, did you say, "I'm on the clock"? 429 00:24:23,441 --> 00:24:27,039 On the clock, yeah. And, lovely! Thank you. 430 00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:31,719 That's got to be at least 20 seconds and that was embarrassing. That was very uncomfortable. 431 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,440 See if you can beat it! Oh, God! 432 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,479 Oh that's lovely. Lovely. 433 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,239 Gather round. Come on. 434 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:44,440 Group hug. 435 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,480 Heavens above! 436 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,840 I've been waiting years to do this. 437 00:24:52,841 --> 00:24:57,599 Well, if you lot are all hugging, I'm playing tiddlywinks so sod the lot of you! 438 00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,679 Right, that was love... That was unusual. 439 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,999 RONNI: Aw, that was lovely. I wasn't expecting that response 440 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:09,640 but it was charming. You're both wearing very nice aftershave, by the way. Want your watch back? 441 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,039 Which well-known invention is 442 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:18,160 "the wickedness which lurks in the belly and deserves to dwell in the cesspool"? 443 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,680 "The wickedness which lurks in the belly..." 444 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:28,080 Nina's cooking? Sunny Delight. 445 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,519 Oh, I know! Yes, Gran? We know cos this is... 446 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:34,959 Er, yes, because, erm, 447 00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,679 I'm a belly-speaker. 448 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,638 You are a belly-speaker. Ven-tril-o-quism. 449 00:25:38,639 --> 00:25:40,600 That's it. So you're a tummy-speaker. 450 00:25:40,601 --> 00:25:43,479 And it was considered to be possession by demons if someone 451 00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:47,519 could have this voice come from their tummy, that didn't seem to come out of the mouth, 452 00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:50,119 or throw their voice, as you used to say. Ah. 453 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:53,079 And there was a Patriarch of Constantinople by the name of Photios 454 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,199 who once ex-communicated the Pope. 455 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:56,639 LAUGHTER 456 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:57,999 And he was the one... 457 00:25:58,000 --> 00:25:59,880 There you are! Have a go. Have a go. 458 00:25:59,881 --> 00:26:01,719 Oh, have we all got one of these? 459 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,320 Pig in a poke. Yes. 460 00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:07,680 I'm very impressed. 461 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,359 The weird thing is... 462 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:12,799 ELECTRICAL BUZZ 463 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:17,079 That puppet is a ventriloquist and its lips didn't move when you said that. 464 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:18,279 Really? 465 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:22,039 So it is operating you, which is fantastic. 466 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:23,839 It really is a lot... 467 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:26,799 It really is a lot harder than it looks. 468 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,479 Give me hope. 469 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,720 You've had a stroke, dear. Hello. 470 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:37,559 It's like ET. Hey! 471 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:39,279 Ohhh! Hig in a hoke. 472 00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:40,639 No, don't, Gran. 473 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,079 Oh, no, let's not kiss. 474 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,719 I am Bogdan. I like you very much. 475 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:47,559 You are attractive lady. 476 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:50,479 You're too small for me, dear. Oh. 477 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:53,919 For certain, you'd never see the light of day again. 478 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:57,440 Come with me. I have Oyster card. 479 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:02,519 Are you, are you moving your lips? 480 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:06,359 How about that? Urgh-urr, der, er, der. 481 00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:10,679 You do look like you're in a state, you really do. 482 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:14,239 Sean, let's see if you can do any better. 483 00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:15,719 SILENCE 484 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,639 LAUGHTER 485 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:21,759 Are you hoping we're going to... I'm not moving my lips. I'm just... 486 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:25,519 Oh, sorry. It's a left-handed puppet, isn't it? Sorry. 487 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,759 I'll speak. 488 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:29,239 Oooh. 489 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:31,639 It looks like he's... Ooh. 490 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:34,000 That's the only thing I tend to do, this "oooh". 491 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:42,279 This is great. This is great! 492 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,079 You don't actually have to stretch your mouth to do it. 493 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:49,320 It's the only way I can do it. I can't do it any other way. 494 00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:59,119 BELL DINGS 495 00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:00,879 Wa-hey! 496 00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,000 Oh, no. Oh, I've broken it. 497 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,479 Oh! Oh, Bill Bailey. 498 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:14,120 What the hell's he doing? 499 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:19,880 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. 500 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:25,160 What a wretched disappointment to us all, you are. 501 00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:33,599 I can't get the talking to... I can't get to talking to you. 502 00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:35,200 Well, you're an idiot. 503 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:38,439 It's very difficult. 504 00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:43,159 You have to look like you're listening when you're talking. You look at her when she's talking? 505 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,359 You have to look like you're listening when you're talking. 506 00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:50,479 It's quite difficult. The first rule of showbusiness - make everything look easy. 507 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,079 Yes, that's true. Like this half-wit over here. 508 00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:55,560 I'm milking it for all it's worth, dear. 509 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:01,520 APPLAUSE 510 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:06,828 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 511 00:29:06,829 --> 00:29:07,949 Synced and cleaned by Major4579 512 00:29:07,950 --> 00:29:10,880 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net