1 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:31,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:35,680 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,760 good evening, good evening, good evening. 4 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:42,840 Hello. Happy Christmas, and welcome to QI On Ice. 5 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:46,080 To keep us warm while Jack Frost is nibbling at our chestnuts, 6 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,920 my stable is fairly heaving with red-nosed reindeer. 7 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,960 Ding-dong, it's Sean Lock! 8 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:56,840 Wey-ey, the lad's in a manger. It's Ross Noble. 10 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:58,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:04,280 And bless my rissoles, it's that merry gentleman, 12 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,600 Father Christmas himself, Brian Blessed! 13 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,640 ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERING 14 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:18,240 And as the old carol says, "Hither page and stand by me, 15 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:21,200 "Yonder peasant, who is he?" It's Alan Davies! 16 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 17 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:32,840 So let's hear your jingle bells. Sean goes... 18 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:34,680 SLEIGH BELLS JANGLE 19 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,240 Very nice. Ross goes... 20 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:38,360 BELLS CHIME 21 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,280 How pleasant. Brian goes... 22 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:42,320 CHURCH BELLS PEAL 23 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,840 And Alan goes... 24 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:49,800 PARTY HORN BLOWER SQUEAKS 25 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:51,760 Thank you for putting us in party mood. 26 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:54,080 Don't forget that this year, 27 00:01:54,080 --> 00:02:00,040 we are celebrating our ignorance with the Nobody Knows bonus. 28 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:02,400 "NOBODY KNOWS" FANFARE 29 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:08,600 Identify the one question tonight to which nobody knows the answer and you can get points galore. 30 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:13,440 Can you do me a favour? Can you just put that there? 31 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:15,600 It really is the Riddler! 32 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,720 LAUGHTER 33 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,880 He does look like the Riddler! Very good! 34 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:24,040 Now Christmas, of course, is a time for relaxing and feasting, 35 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:25,680 so answer me this. 36 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,880 Where do they take the most days off work 37 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:33,840 and have the most expensive Big Macs in the world? 38 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:37,800 Resolute in Canada, where the Eskimos, the Inuit, 39 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,240 six months of the year it's dark there 40 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:43,240 and they have great big bloody Big Macs 41 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,920 and wonderful great big steaks and lots of sex. 42 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,200 - LAUGHTER - They've got to shag all the winter. 43 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,600 That's true. 44 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:57,440 That's like the best voiceover ever. "Bloody big Big Macs! 45 00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:59,800 "Shag the life out of you!" 46 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:03,000 It's a good answer. 47 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,640 This is a country themed to our series. 48 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:08,920 - Iceland. - Iceland is the right answer. 49 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:11,200 It's extraordinary how many days off they take. 50 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,920 Per thousand people, they take off 367 days in the year, 51 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:17,640 compared to about 20-odd in Britain 52 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,440 and one in Switzerland. 53 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,960 - Probably minus seven in Germany. - Have they always got a cold? 54 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:27,360 I think they just have that attitude to life. 55 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,360 Because they're lazy. 56 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,120 Possibly. 57 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:35,200 It's the access to all those delicious prawn rings. 58 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:36,800 At such low, low prices. 59 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,360 MEXICAN ACCENT: "I'm not going to work today." 60 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,520 "I've got another one. "I'm not going to work today." 61 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:46,640 "That's how we talk." 62 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,600 MEXICAN ACCENT: "That is how we talk in Iceland." 63 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:54,120 "It's very cold here! You want some more prawns, it's all frozen!" 64 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:57,680 Their Big Mac is more than twice a Big Mac in Britain. 65 00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:00,160 It's so expensive that McDonald's has withdrawn 66 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:03,440 from Iceland. It's a very odd country. Have you been, Brian? 67 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,320 I've not. It's one of the few countries I've not been too. 68 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,040 It's full of firsts. 69 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:11,680 It has more Nobel Prize winners per capita than any country on earth. 70 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,520 Do you know how many it's had? 71 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:16,160 - 14. - No. - One. - Yes. 72 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,760 One is the right answer, but the population is so small - 73 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:23,160 320,000, which is roughly the population of Croydon - 74 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,080 that as a per capita average... 75 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:31,800 There he is, Laxness. He won the 1955 Nobel Prize for Literature. 76 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,960 He was the only one to win but cos it's such a small population, 77 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:38,840 it's four times more on average per capita than the United States. 78 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:42,320 It shows how useless statistics are, really. 79 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:46,120 It also uses three times more electricity than any other country on earth. 80 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,600 But what's good about their electricity? 81 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:50,040 Geothermal activity. 82 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:54,040 100% of it is from either hydro-electric or geothermal. 83 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,000 In that sense, it's the cleanest electricity in the world. 84 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,080 Doesn't everybody live on the edge? 85 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:03,120 Do you mean, like, "Let's take loads of drugs! 86 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,240 "Let's drive our cars as fast as possible!" 87 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:09,480 - Literally live on the edge. - Live fast, die young. 88 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:13,000 Living on the edge in Iceland is going out in just your pants. 89 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,520 You don't have to drive a car, even. 90 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:18,960 It's not wearing your thermals for a day. 91 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:22,920 On the coast, I mean. I think pretty much everyone lives on the coast. 92 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:27,440 It's also the world's youngest country. What do I mean by that? 93 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:31,400 - It's volcanic, so it came up... - Geologically, it's the world's youngest country. 94 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,720 - But it has the world's oldest... - Parliament? 95 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:37,440 Yes! Yes, yes. 947AD, and do you know what it is called? 96 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,440 - The Yakult. - Do that voice again. 97 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,480 Is it "Ye Olde Parliament"? 98 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:47,840 "Shall we pass laws?" "No, we're living on the edge! 99 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:49,520 "We don't need no laws. 100 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,320 "We've got a prawn ring and all that." 101 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:56,320 - What is a prawn ring? - You don't know? - No, I don't. 102 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,720 - It's prawns arranged in a ring. - Is it battered? 103 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:03,200 It's a ring of prawns. WOMAN CACKLES 104 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:08,600 Run around a bit, that's what the old comics used to say! 105 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,560 - Run around a bit, will you? - I paid for two. 106 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,360 There should be one over there. 107 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,360 - So it's party food? - Yes. 108 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:23,000 - I had you down as an Iceland man. - No, no. Sadly not. 109 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:27,560 It comes in like a little plastic circle, circular cover. 110 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:31,120 It's individual prawns in a layer? 111 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:34,800 Imagine a show called One Man And His Prawn. 112 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,280 He whistled and they all perfectly got themselves 113 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,040 into a circular pen and then were photographed. 114 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:44,320 - That's what it looks like. - So they're all aligned. 115 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:48,920 It's like when they get attacked, that's what they do, go into a circle to defend themselves. 116 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:53,240 You want to get yourself a tiny sheepdog... 117 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,040 HE WHISTLES Come by. 118 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,240 - You need a prawndog! - You need a prawndog. 119 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,440 What's the aquatic equivalent of sheepdog? 120 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,640 What are you talking about, Ross? 121 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:07,080 You're talking absolute nonsense. Sheepdogs for prawns? 122 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:11,040 You don't get a sheepdog, you get a prawndog for prawns! 123 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:17,800 That is, one, why I keep losing that competition. 124 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,240 - Two... - Why your prawns are all over the shop. 125 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:23,880 And two, I've got prawns everywhere and I've been banned from Crufts. 126 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:27,000 - It's out of order. Appalling. - Very good. 127 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:31,520 - Forget it. - Excellent. Right. 128 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:35,960 The point is, Iceland is a world leader in surprising areas. 129 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,040 Here's something quite interesting. 130 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,600 Two points for anyone who can tell me this. 131 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:46,560 In what way is Iceland's most recent volcano similar to Genghis Khan? 132 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:50,560 I think they are both shagnasties. 133 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:55,280 Genghis Khan has apparently shagged everything that moves 134 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:59,560 and he is the father and mother of all populations in Europe and Asia, 135 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:03,840 so he shagged everything that moves. 136 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,120 And the volcano, of course, 137 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:11,000 has spurted out, had an orgasm of ammonia and has fertilised Europe. 138 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,400 Am I right? 139 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,000 Damn good answer. 140 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 141 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,400 To be brutally honest, that's not what's on my card. 142 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,000 Oh, shit. 143 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,720 If there was no such thing as science, you would be right. 144 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:32,880 I think I know what it is. I think, obviously, that volcano stopped lots of transport. 145 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:37,360 He must have stopped something happening which the volcano stopped happening. 146 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:41,600 You are in the right area. The odd thing is it's beneficial, especially at the moment. 147 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,400 It's a thing we talk about a lot. 148 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:47,000 That volcano poured out, they reckon, 149 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:50,640 between 150,000 and 300,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide. 150 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,920 A huge amount of carbon came out as a result of it, 151 00:08:53,920 --> 00:09:00,040 but if you remember, no-one flew for however long it was 152 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,680 and the lack of flying saved three million tonnes. 153 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,880 In fact, it was a huge offset of carbon. 154 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:11,400 And in the case of Ghengis Khan, he slaughtered his way across the world 155 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,680 and had the largest empire the world has ever seen - 156 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:20,280 four times that of Alexander, twice the size of the Roman Empire, and he killed about 40 million people. 157 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:24,600 The result was there was so little farming that the forests grew back, 158 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:28,240 and you can time a huge benefit to the world from his slaughter. 159 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,720 - That's extraordinary, isn't it? - What do we have to pronounce? 160 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,200 That's what I was... 161 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,680 How did you know I was going to ask that as a supplementary question? 162 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,320 - I thought you already did. - Did I already say it? 163 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,840 - Either that or I read it off the autocue. - You read it! 164 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:45,160 You great big cheater! 165 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,920 APPLAUSE 166 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:52,880 - Says it there. - I'd now like you to pronounce the name of the volcano. 167 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,040 - It's written up there for you. - Oh, God alive! 168 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:58,200 Eye-eye-yarpn-oy-ey-jurp prawn rings. 169 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,040 You should have been a newsreader. 170 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,280 With your accent, you've got the best chance. 171 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,080 Ay-ach-jolla-jokull. 172 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:08,560 It looks a bit like that, yeah. Any thoughts? 173 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:11,480 Ee-jaff-yallie-jock-rull. 174 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:13,040 Brian, have a go. 175 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:17,040 EE-YA-JAFF-JALLA-JOKULL! 176 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,360 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 177 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,040 There's an Icelandic woman just gone... 178 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,840 You may have set it off again, doing that. 179 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:31,320 I think the umlaut changes it, doesn't it? Those little dots. 180 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,880 I think actually the way you are supposed to pronounce it is "udj". 181 00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:39,520 - If only. - It changes it. 182 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:43,160 Apparently it's... EY-ya-fyat-lah-YOH-kuhtl. 183 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,000 Is that translated as "big smoky bastard"? 184 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,720 Yes. 185 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,840 "You will go by ferry". 186 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,280 That's basically the answer. 187 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:57,600 What shouldn't you do with the Icelandic phone book? 188 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:01,000 Is it "try and use it alphabetically"? 189 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,840 Cos they're all called Magnusson. 190 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:07,400 - It's a... - Is it just "use it"? Never use it. 191 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,280 It's along those lines. 192 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:13,080 - How do Icelandic people name themselves? - Son and daughter. 193 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,360 Right. Your daughter would be "Alandottir", 194 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:18,040 - if you were Icelandic. - Not a bad idea. 195 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,040 - Yes, nice name! - When they marry... - That would be her surname. 196 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:25,160 - ..the women don't take the man's name, they keep their father's name. - Exactly right. 197 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,680 The only thing I know about Iceland. And that everyone's on the edge. 198 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,920 - I'd be Royson. - Oh, yeah. - Royson. What's your father's name? 199 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,600 - Er... - Oh! There we are, you see, we've worked it out. 200 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:40,360 - We've found it. Your father was Malcolm. - Yes. - So you'd be Ross Malcolmson. 201 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:44,520 But the point is, there are an enormous number of surnames which are just identical 202 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:48,040 so what you shouldn't do is look people up by their surname, 203 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:51,440 as you'd do in most books. You'd look them up by their first name. 204 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,360 And often their profession, as well. 205 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,200 There's so few people there... 206 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:59,280 you could probably just poke your head out the window and go, 207 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:02,520 "What's your phone number?" 208 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:06,880 At football matches, when somebody goes, "Come on, son!", do all the players go, "Me, or...?" 209 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,440 LAUGHTER 210 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:11,440 One of the oddest things about Iceland is... 211 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:15,640 Well, I'll show you. Have a look at this. These are Icelandic. 212 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,840 What do you reckon they are? 213 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,800 - Legs. - Yes. 214 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,640 If I were to tell you that those are empty, does that help? 215 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,200 - Hollow legs. - Yeah. 216 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,600 Oh, are they Icelandic cock pants? 217 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:34,000 Is it because, like, when you go out on the beach, everything shrinks, 218 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:38,120 so you put them on and then it gives you a little bit of profile? 219 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:42,560 - A little bit extra. - Are they a pair of trousers? A pair of ski pants? 220 00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:46,120 - They are a pair of trousers made of human skin. - Nice. 221 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:50,760 They are on display at the Icelandic Museum of Witchcraft, 222 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,640 which is an extraordinary place because Icelandic witchcraft is pretty odd. 223 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:59,480 What happens is you ask a friend when he dies, can you have his skin? 224 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:01,520 "Can I have your legs?" 225 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:04,600 If he gives you permission, you flay the skin below the waist, 226 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:08,640 completely, in one piece, and you wear them as tights. 227 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,440 It gets weirder. 228 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,440 You then have to steal, from a widow, a coin, 229 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:18,480 and you put the coin inside the scrotal area, the sac - 230 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,920 as you see, the whole thing is more or less complete, 231 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,240 with a written incantation. 232 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,240 - And then... - You open a bank. 233 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,520 LAUGHTER 234 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,080 APPLAUSE 235 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,320 And that's how the Icelandic economy works. 236 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:41,960 They sort of do, because then the scrotum apparently fills with money. 237 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,760 That's the incantation. 238 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:47,040 They are sort of necropants. There is an official... 239 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:51,720 - Necropants! - Yeah. - That's the sort of thing you see advertised at three o'clock in the morning. 240 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:56,920 - "Do you want necropants?" - The Icelandic name is nabrok. 241 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,800 But we were talking about the Icelandic phone book. 242 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,120 I've got another interesting thing about phone books, a little task. 243 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,880 A Christmas party game. I've got these phone books here 244 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,160 and they have been interleaved. 245 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:12,160 There's no glue or anything. They are like a pack of cards. 246 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:15,440 - One page goes inside another. - That must have taken ages. - It did. 247 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,960 Our props people are very proud of their work. 248 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,400 - There you are. - We'll share. 249 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,600 All I want you to do, you've got ropes, there, 250 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,920 is just pull them apart. 251 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,760 You can take one each. 252 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:29,600 - Pull them apart. - It can't be done. - Go on. 253 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:33,560 You can't, can you? You literally can't. It's quite extraordinary. 254 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:36,680 - Strong as Brian is. - Pull, Brian. Pull! 255 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:41,080 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 256 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:52,000 Sean's alive! 257 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,240 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 258 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:01,040 How come your water wasn't spilt? That's magical. 259 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,920 Yes, it's an old trick. 260 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:06,400 Me and Brian have been doing this trick for years. 261 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,640 I was trying to sit on top of my tipped-up chair. 262 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,560 A man as strong as Brian, 263 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:17,240 he may be able to pull Sean off his chair, but it can't be done. 264 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,960 In fact, you need 8,000lbs of force in order to do it. It's bizarre. 265 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:24,240 It's friction, and it's just replicated each time. I know. 266 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,880 If you loosen them... 267 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,360 This time it's me! 268 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,400 - It's personal. - Having a tantrum. 269 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 270 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,160 APPLAUSE 271 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:49,800 Still can't do it! 272 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,200 AUDIENCE CHEERS 273 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,320 Has anyone got a lighter? 274 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:08,240 No. And you can stop reading the escort pages as well. 275 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,200 Very good eyesight from there! 276 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,280 I know my Alan! 277 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,200 - Well, there you are. - WOMAN CACKLES 278 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,920 The fact is, yes, surprising as it... 279 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,080 LAUGHTER 280 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,000 Nurse, she's out of bed again! 281 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:27,480 From Iceland to Alaska. 282 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:31,960 The Eskimo-Indian Olympics have been held every year since 1961. 283 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:35,320 Phone books are not involved, but these are. 284 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,000 More toys for you to play with. 285 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,320 Voila. Voila. 286 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:42,720 And I'm afraid you have to be prepared to get sticky. 287 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:47,040 These lubed rods, here, which are very icky. 288 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:52,640 He's been trying to get me to do this for years. 289 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:57,480 Sorry, Stephen, but this contravenes my superinjunction. 290 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:02,560 APPLAUSE 291 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,960 All you have to do is work out what the sports are 292 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,960 in the World Eskimo-Indian Olympics, as they're now called. 293 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:14,920 - That's obviously... - You can play it with Brian. 294 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,640 It's actually... 295 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,600 Each ones of these games is, like most games, 296 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,480 to hone the skills you need 297 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,560 for the environment in which you live. 298 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:28,040 - Is this a two-person game? - It is. You each... - Is it fire? 299 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:31,760 Leave the string for the moment and grab the stick and... 300 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,200 - It's all right. - Is that what I think it is? 301 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,880 No, you have to do it with your hands. No. 302 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,640 That's it. 303 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:44,040 It's the one who can, without twisting or jerking, 304 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,120 the one who can get the stick off the other. 305 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:49,320 - SEAN: - Oh, Christ, I've got no chance! 306 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:53,280 Woo-hoo! 307 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,800 There you can see them doing it. 308 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,480 Well, have a go. 309 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,560 This time... This time you're going on the floor. 310 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,640 - There you go. - You're holding my hand there, Brian. - Sorry! 311 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:13,560 - No twisting or jerking. - Hold on to one side. - My hands are too big. 312 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,040 - Can you go... - Oh, look! 313 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:24,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 314 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,960 Fabulous. 315 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:34,760 - Fabulous. And we have a string game yet to play. - Oh, great(!) 316 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:38,080 - Let me guess. We have to wrap round our balls and pull. - No, we don't. 317 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:41,120 You do have to wrap it around an organ. 318 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,920 That's it! Forget it! 319 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,320 Fortunately, not an organ of generation. 320 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:50,240 An auditory organ, one of your ears. 321 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,480 Each wraps it around the ear. 322 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:55,960 You wrap the other end round your ear and you pull. 323 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,280 With your ear! With your ear! 324 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:02,160 Come on boys, be brave. 325 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:07,040 - Is it round your ear? - It's a pain endurance test. 326 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:10,040 - I'll go round the other ear. - Look what's happened to his ear. 327 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,000 I don't want that to happen to my ear! 328 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,120 As you can see from the photograph, 329 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,000 it's... Endurance and pain are really the... 330 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,160 You've got glasses on. 331 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,960 Hello. 332 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:28,880 - I've got quite springy ears. - Is that an advantage or disadvantage? 333 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:32,360 - It's a disadvantage, because they're very, very springy. - Wow! 334 00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:37,160 I declare the winner there Brian. Who's been winning on your side? 335 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:42,720 - You've turned it into a plait. - I cheated, look. I've tied it. 336 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:44,560 Definitely cheating. 337 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:49,280 These are official sports of the Eskimo Olympics. It's a very fine part of the world, 338 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,600 I don't know if you've ever been there? It's very beautiful. 339 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,760 - You've been there, I'm sure. - Yes. - Icy wastes. 340 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,920 You told me an interesting thing I didn't know about Canada. 341 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:01,880 Yes. I went on an expedition to the North Pole in 2004. 342 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:07,280 It goes to 70 degrees below zero and 60 degrees wind-chill factor. 343 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:12,040 And, I mean, when you want to have a pee you've got 25 seconds to have a piss, or your cock'll fall off. 344 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,640 LAUGHTER And the thing is... 345 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,200 That's motivation! 346 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:21,480 The astonishing thing is that as we approached the Magnetic North Pole, 347 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:26,000 suddenly you could feel the magnetism. 348 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,480 - And my hair stood on end... - Wow! - Yes! 349 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,600 Everything was titillated! 350 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,960 And at that moment, I felt this great earthquake, 351 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:40,560 and up came a great Russian Typhoon submarine, 352 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:45,720 and it came through the ice, and the men got off and so forth, 353 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:51,120 - and they called me Father Christmas. - You must have given them the fright of their life! - I know! 354 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:53,560 I've got ice down here, and I sang... 355 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,000 SINGS OPERATICALLY 356 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,760 LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH 357 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,480 Fantastic! 358 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,320 It was wonderful. 359 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,160 Very, very good. 360 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:15,560 Now, in 1845, Sir John Franklin led an expedition to the Arctic 361 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:19,320 to discover the Northwest Passage. A group of his men 362 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,720 set off across the ice 363 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:28,040 with a sled-load of button polish, handkerchiefs, curtain rods 364 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,400 and a writing desk. 365 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,720 Why? What were they doing? 366 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:35,360 "NOBODY KNOWS" FANFARE 367 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,280 Yes! You are right! 368 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 369 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:42,520 Well done. 370 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:48,560 My assumption is that, sadly, none of them made it back. 371 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:52,280 No, they didn't. It was one of the most disastrous expeditions in history. 372 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:56,120 They were off on a sled-boot sale. 373 00:21:56,120 --> 00:22:01,920 It was 128 men, all perished in this expedition. 374 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:06,440 35 different rescue parties tried over decades to find them, and find out what happened. 375 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:10,680 It wasn't until the 1980s that it was discovered precisely what happened to them. 376 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:15,520 Their bodies were well preserved in ice. Do you know what it was that they discovered? 377 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:19,600 Laurence Llewelyn Bowen going, "Those curtains are terrible." 378 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,080 It was discovered that their bodies 379 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,000 were filled with toxic levels of lead, 380 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:26,640 and they had gone on the expedition 381 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:31,480 with some very early examples of canned food, and the solder that was used was lead-solder. 382 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,840 Lead poisoning, amongst other things, 383 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:37,880 can make people have mass delusions, and so these poor people 384 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,520 loaded the sled with button polish, and handkerchiefs, 385 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,800 and a writing desk, and went off into the wasteland. 386 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:47,440 I know it sounds funny, but it is awful, isn't it? 387 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:52,000 I imagine they went to open a really disappointing shop. A pound shop on ice. 388 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:55,240 We know from the archaeology of it that that is what they did, 389 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:58,160 but as Alan rightly said, nobody knows WHY they did it, 390 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:01,760 except that it was some sort of delusion that they must've had. 391 00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:04,080 At the other end of the world, what did Captain Scott 392 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,920 take to the Antarctic to keep his lads entertained? 393 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,600 A first edition of Razzle. 394 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,000 LAUGHTER 395 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,840 Yeah, cos he was going to take strippers, but out there, 396 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,920 so many clothes, they're just sat there going, "Oh, come on." 397 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,760 - It was for musical entertainment. - A gramophone. 398 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:25,520 - There was a gramophone on the second one, but more extraordinarily... - A triangle. 399 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:28,320 - Much more extraordinarily. - A piano. 400 00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,760 - Not just a piano... - Hammond organ. 401 00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:32,880 A player-piano, a pianola. 402 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,600 You know, the kind that plays itself, 403 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,480 - with a piano roll. - I bet they were delighted! 404 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,600 I used to have one of those, you do it with your feet... 405 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:46,480 Right, you power it with your pedals and the punch paper goes through, and it plays itself like that. 406 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,000 I suppose they figured that out there it's so cold, 407 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,160 - you wouldn't want to be playing the piano. - Oddly enough... 408 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,600 If you did have your gloves on it'd be a right racket. 409 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:59,200 On one of his first expeditions he took a real piano, only to discover that nobody on board could play. 410 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:00,960 So when he went on the second one, 411 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:04,840 this company were very pleased to furnish him with the pianola, 412 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,200 being this exciting piece of modern technology, and 20 rolls. 413 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:11,120 And on the final expedition, on which they all perished, 414 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:14,400 another company got in and gave them another pianola with 250 rolls, 415 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,680 each one being a different piece of music. 416 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:22,280 And he actually took it off the ship! It took real effort to get it on land, to the first base camp, 417 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:26,040 - just so they could have music. - They didn't drag it to the Pole with them? 418 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,280 No, that would have been a bit silly. 419 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:32,360 Leave it there. You get there, there's loads of others. Amundsen's taken a whole band. 420 00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:33,640 LAUGHTER 421 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:37,280 It was very interesting, to put a kind of sad note to the story, 422 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:41,320 that of course Scott got there and he went on the known route, 423 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:45,320 which was tough, going up the glaciers and so forth, 424 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:49,440 but Amundsen of course went a different route, and found it was easy. And he was lucky. 425 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:53,800 - So he got there days before Scott did. - When Scott got there he discovered the Norwegian flag. 426 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:56,960 When Scott got there he saw the Norwegian flag, 427 00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,720 and then Scott coming back was depressed and so forth, 428 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,080 and they all died, gradually, one by one, etc. 429 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:06,520 But Amundsen got back to Norway, and he was in the bath, 430 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:14,080 and his wife came into the bathroom and said, "Scott has died on the way back from the South Pole!" 431 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,920 - And Amundsen said, "He's beaten me!" - Oh, really? 432 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:21,960 Yes. Because he meant, by dying, it was "Scott of the Antarctic" 433 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:25,040 - and not "Amundsen of the Antarctic". - He became a hero. 434 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,360 - He became a hero. - What he should have said was, 435 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:29,520 "Can I have his piano?" 436 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:31,240 LAUGHTER 437 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:34,920 Well, the one on the left of the photograph is the famous Oates, 438 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:38,560 who sacrificed his life, who left the tent and said, "I may be some time." 439 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:41,280 And there's Scott in the middle. Do you remember, 440 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:44,120 rather moving, the last words he wrote in his diary? 441 00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:48,040 "We took risks, we knew we were taking them, and things have come out against us, 442 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:50,920 "therefore we have no reason to complain." 443 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:54,400 - He ended with the words, "For God's sake, look after our people." - Yes. 444 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,680 Er, while we're in the Antarctic, what happens when a penguin 445 00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,480 steps on a land mine? 446 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,520 - I dare say nothing at all. SEAN: - It flies. 447 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,520 LAUGHTER 448 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,400 It either goes off or it doesn't. 449 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:09,440 I'm going it doesn't. 450 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,520 Surely the land mines would be frozen, would they? 451 00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:15,120 So it would just...cruise over. 452 00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:18,840 If a human stood on them they'd be blown up. Alan is absolutely right. 453 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,640 - BRIAN: They're too light. - They're too light. 454 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:25,440 That may seem rather irrelevant except there is a place on Earth 455 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:29,680 where thousands of land mines were laid, which is... 456 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,720 - The Falklands. - The Falkland Islands, by the Argentinians. 457 00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:36,120 So no humans can go there, and most importantly, no whalers. 458 00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:39,560 There was a big whaling industry, and rather sadly, 459 00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:44,840 because there are not many trees on the Falklands, what the whalers did is they captured the whale, 460 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:48,360 and they wanted to burn the, you know, to boil it up so they'd get 461 00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:51,200 the whale oil, which is where all the money was. 462 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:54,160 There are no trees to burn, so they used to burn penguins. 463 00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:57,200 Penguins have a lot of oil under themselves as well, 464 00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:00,600 so they'd use the penguin oil to make the fire to burn the whales, 465 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:04,760 and the population went down from ten million to a very small number. 466 00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:09,040 - But since the land mines... - "Chuck another penguin on the fire, son." 467 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:11,360 - I know! It's terrible! - "What are you doing?" 468 00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:15,720 "I'm just burning some penguins so I can boil up this whale." 469 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:20,920 - I know! It is absurd. - That's a job. - But the beauty of it is, 470 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:23,320 it's one of the laws of unintended consequences - 471 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:26,600 because of these land mines, the whalers can't go anywhere near it. 472 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:29,840 The penguins are now multiplying and doing really well. 473 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:34,000 The penguins have now evolved fingers, they stand there going... 474 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,800 The penguins are now laying more mines. 475 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,480 - Yes! - Branching out. 476 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:43,840 Now, where's the best place to look for the abominable snowman? 477 00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:47,160 - I think this is an area of your expertise. - Yeah, yeah, on your left. 478 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:50,360 I'll start it all off for the lads. Yes, yes, yes. 479 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:53,120 Of course, you are looking at one. 480 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:57,320 It is called Sasquatch, Bigfoot in Canada, 481 00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:01,080 and in Russia it is called the Almas Giant, or the Yeti, 482 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:02,720 Sukpa, or Meh-Teh-Ma. 483 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,120 Then in China they have their own hairy men, 484 00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:08,800 and it is Sukpa, Meh-Teh-Ma out there as well, Yeti. 485 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:11,600 And then in Sumatra it is called Orang Pendek, 486 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:14,400 or "upright man," not meaning an orang-utan. 487 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:19,800 There is no doubt at all that yetis obviously do exist. 488 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:24,720 There are great parts of the world that we don't know about. 489 00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:30,880 When I was in Mongolia, the Mongols were telling me that in the late autumn you get migrations 490 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:35,520 of dozens and dozens and dozens of Almas Giants, 491 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:37,560 and they see them in the distance. 492 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:41,080 So, I want to go out there one day, and go to northern Mongolia 493 00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:44,560 and just go... BELLOWING ROAR 494 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:47,280 And I think that might scare them off. 495 00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:50,760 Brilliant. Well, that's fantastic, thank you very much. 496 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:54,120 APPLAUSE 497 00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:57,400 There are some who are disbelievers. You are a believer? 498 00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:00,720 Yes, from the different people I meet, the trackers I meet. 499 00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:03,560 You have to remember that the large mountain gorilla 500 00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:05,760 was only discovered about 90 years ago. 501 00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:09,400 - Yes. - That's a giant mountain gorilla in Rwanda. 502 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:13,200 There are so many more discoveries. We are discovering them all the time. 503 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:14,760 There is so much to discover. 504 00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:17,960 So I think, I don't think we've scratched the surface yet. 505 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:22,800 And there are indeed centres for the study of them. One in Siberia, and one in the Bhutanese area. 506 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:26,520 - Bhutan has a Yeti Park, that's right. - It's a hell of a thought. 507 00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:30,240 Well, that is a brilliant answer, and completely correct, of course. 508 00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:34,040 Now, where did Queen Victoria get her ice from? 509 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:35,880 Hmm! 510 00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:40,800 - She liked ice in her drink. - Would it come down the Thames? 511 00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:45,440 - It was imported, I'll tell you that. - From icebergs. - Not icebergs, no. 512 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:51,680 For a time it was the world's most famous lake, because it provided ice for the Royal Families of Europe, 513 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:56,240 and its name was synonymous with "ice" before refrigeration allowed us to make ice ourselves. 514 00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:59,640 And it was called Lake Wenham. It still exists, it's now a reservoir 515 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:03,200 outside Boston, Massachusetts. It was a man called Tudor 516 00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:06,880 who had the brilliant idea of chopping it all up - there it is 517 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:09,080 being chopped up and sent to Britain. 518 00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:11,720 There was a shop in the Strand with a huge block of ice, 519 00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:15,880 and they had a newspaper behind the ice to show its clarity. 520 00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:19,960 Crowds would gather round. You could read the newspaper through the clear ice, 521 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:21,680 and it was the wonder of the age. 522 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:25,200 You had to be very rich to afford it, because it had come a long way. 523 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:27,960 But it would last a long time, and it was Lake Wenham ice. 524 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:32,040 - Wow. - Gosh. - Good bit of American enterprise. 525 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:35,840 I bet he was pissed off the day they invented the refrigerator. 526 00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:37,400 I'm sure he was. 527 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:41,360 They tried to suggest that frozen lake ice was actually better for you, 528 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:43,160 was clearer and more pure. 529 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:46,680 Now, why did the Spanish Duke of Alba 530 00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:48,560 order 7,000 pairs of ice skates? 531 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:50,160 Because he was a millipede. 532 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:53,520 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 533 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:54,840 Good answer. 534 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:00,640 You can't see from that picture. 535 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:02,720 Thousands of legs. 536 00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:06,800 Any thoughts as to why he might have ordered 7,000 pairs of ice skates? 537 00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:10,240 He wanted to wipe it out. He went, "I hate ice skating. 538 00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:13,680 "I'm going to buy all the boots and it'll just die out." 539 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:18,080 - We're talking the 17th century. - That's what I'd do. - The Pope... 540 00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:20,520 - With show-jumping, though. - Right. 541 00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:22,520 I'd buy all the horses. 542 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:26,760 - Why don't you just buy...? - And all those funny blocks 543 00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,800 that look like walls you've never seen before, buy all those. 544 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:33,160 And then show-jumping would be finished forever. 545 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:36,360 - So trying to wipe out ice-skating as a sport? - Yes. Yeah. 546 00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,720 - Be a good James Bond plot, wouldn't it? - 17th century. 547 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,040 Instead of trying to take over the world, 548 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:43,000 I'm trying to stop show-jumping. 549 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:46,400 James Bond's got to get me and kill me, before... 550 00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:49,040 Trouble is, though, you've got all them obstacles. 551 00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:54,120 You've got all them obstacles in your garden, and you've bought the horses, 552 00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:56,680 they're going to... It's in their nature. 553 00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:59,080 - They're going to be doing it in the garden. - Yeah. 554 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,840 - You'll look out... - Hoisted by my own petard. 555 00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:03,600 - Exactly. - Yes. 556 00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:06,160 - Is it to do with the Inquisition? - Not quite. 557 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:11,480 It was to do with the Pope, who in his glory and humility and wisdom and Christian charity 558 00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:15,120 sentenced the entire population of the Netherlands to death 559 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:17,960 for heresy, because they'd gone... 560 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:20,960 - He'd thought it through. - ..because they'd gone Protestant. 561 00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:23,920 He decided they should all die. Spain being a Catholic kingdom 562 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:27,160 decided they would be the ones to invade the Netherlands, 563 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:31,440 and the enterprising Dutch, in one battle when it was very cold, 564 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:34,400 the Spaniards attacked them and the Dutch came out on skates! 565 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:40,360 Because they were used to skating up and down their canals. They left hundreds of Spaniards dead. 566 00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:44,240 the Duke of Alba determined it should never happen again, 567 00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:48,680 so he ordered 7,000 pairs of ice skates so the Spanish army would be prepared for war on ice. 568 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:50,400 - It was never used. - I tell you what. 569 00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:53,120 There is a Saturday night programme... 570 00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:54,240 LAUGHTER 571 00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:57,200 It's Celebrity War On Ice! 572 00:32:57,200 --> 00:33:01,440 - Wouldn't it be great? - "Here come the Spanish - they've never skated before!" 573 00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:04,520 "Look out, Manuel, it's cold!" Whoops! 574 00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:07,120 True entertainment. There you are. 575 00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:09,560 That's a true story, and an interesting one. 576 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:14,160 So you've all done very well, so you can have a reward. 577 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,160 This is an ice cream. 578 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:19,120 Pass yours to Sean there and then keep one for yourself, Brian. 579 00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:23,400 There's spoons as well. Well done, Alan, very good. 580 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,920 - Ooh, cold, ooh! - It is ice cream, yeah. 581 00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:30,360 - I love a long spoon. - I just want you to give me some tasting notes on it, basically. 582 00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:32,360 Tell me what you think of it. 583 00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:35,640 - Is it going to be breast milk? - No, it's not. 584 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,560 There was, wasn't there? There was a breast milk... 585 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:42,040 - It's Turkish, in fact. Turkish ice cream. - Very lovely. 586 00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:46,040 - The odd thing is, I have to tell you... - Is it a body part? 587 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:48,600 - It is fox testicle ice cream. - Fox testicle. 588 00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,200 LAUGHTER 589 00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:53,760 APPLAUSE 590 00:33:57,640 --> 00:33:58,920 - SEAN: - I knew it! 591 00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,120 I'm a slave to a fox's bollock, me. 592 00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:06,480 Well, I'm playing with words here. 593 00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:09,040 It's not actually from the testicles of a fox. 594 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:12,480 - Oh, what?! - I'm sorry to disappoint you! 595 00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:16,640 Its actual name in Turkish, if I get this right, is salepi dondurma, 596 00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:18,960 and it means "fox testicles". 597 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:22,760 "Salep" means the same as an English word we use for a flower, 598 00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:25,640 from the Greek for "testicle", which is "orchis". 599 00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:28,120 And the orchid, because of the shape of its root, 600 00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:29,840 comes from the word testicle. 601 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:31,880 And this is made from a particular orchid. 602 00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:33,880 - Do you like the taste? - It's delightful! 603 00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:35,760 It's better than a kick in the orchids. 604 00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:38,160 - Wahey! Exactly. - Or even the testicles. 605 00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:39,880 LAUGHTER 606 00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:42,680 We call it the Early Purple Orchid. 607 00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:44,160 Aww. 608 00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:48,520 I'm glad you like it. It is a delicacy, but unfortunately it's becoming an endangered orchid. 609 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:52,440 - It's now illegal to export it. - We've just eaten one! - I know! 610 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:55,760 And now, an icy chill strikes the cockles as we brave 611 00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:58,320 the frozen wastes of general ignorance. 612 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:01,960 So, frostbitten fingers on your buzzers as we ask, quickly, 613 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:07,000 - what are igloos usually made from? - CHURCH BELLS RINGING 614 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:10,680 - Blue ice? - Oh! 615 00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:13,000 KLAXON SOUNDS 616 00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:15,720 No. You get a forfeit. They are not made of ice, at all. 617 00:35:15,720 --> 00:35:19,680 - They are made from glue. - Nice thought. 618 00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:23,840 - Is it an Apple glue? Are they actually iGlues? - iGlue? 619 00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:25,640 Very good. 620 00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:29,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 621 00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:31,280 - iGlue! - Very good. 622 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:36,560 No. They're usually made from Caribou hide. 623 00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:38,960 That is the usual igloo, very, very rare for them 624 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:42,200 to be made out of blocks of snow of cartoonists' fame. 625 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:45,880 There's your typical igloo, and there's your cliche igloo, 626 00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:47,760 which is very rare. 627 00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:51,080 Now, what do you say to a husky, to make it go? 628 00:35:54,720 --> 00:35:57,800 I like that, that's a good shot of Brian. 629 00:35:57,800 --> 00:36:02,560 - Most people think that you're supposed to say... - Mush? 630 00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:04,760 In fact, for years that hasn't been said. 631 00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:09,240 Mush actually comes from the French "marche". Just meaning "go." 632 00:36:09,240 --> 00:36:13,240 I thought it was just cockneys, "Come on, mush. 633 00:36:13,240 --> 00:36:15,480 "Come on, dogs, all in, all in." 634 00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:18,600 - So there are trends in what huskies respond to? - Very much so. 635 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:21,240 So the huskies, if you say "mush" now, 636 00:36:21,240 --> 00:36:23,560 they would go "Oh, that is so..." 637 00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:26,000 "That is so last year." 638 00:36:26,000 --> 00:36:28,080 You've got to say "wicked," or "sick." 639 00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:31,160 Well, possibly, possibly wicked or sick. 640 00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:33,000 They say "Hike-on" or "Hike." 641 00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:37,000 - The fact is, they're so keen to do it, aren't they? - Yes. 642 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,920 They get fantastically excited and happy. 643 00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:43,000 It is one of the most exhilarating things you can do. It is fantastic. 644 00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:47,120 It's interesting, when I did go to Mongolia, 645 00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:52,000 in actual fact, the Mongols have mainly huskies and wolves. 646 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:53,840 They don't have dogs. 647 00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:57,080 When I had a fire woman mending all the fires, 648 00:36:57,080 --> 00:36:59,480 she had a great big bloody wolf. 649 00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:03,840 He was in my tent, he slept with me, this wonderful wolf. It adored me. 650 00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:06,240 I gave it Mars Bars, and things like that. 651 00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:11,880 She said, "He will climb with you, go climb." 652 00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:16,240 And I climbed 14,000 feet up this ridge, and I climbed it with a wolf. 653 00:37:16,240 --> 00:37:18,800 We came back down, got back into my tent. 654 00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:22,720 You have to understand, ladies and gentlemen, even at my age, 655 00:37:22,720 --> 00:37:25,040 in my 70s, I'm a randy bastard. 656 00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:28,040 I was missing my wife horribly. 657 00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:34,200 I took this great big bloody wolf, looked at his face, and I just went, 658 00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:37,680 # Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme What I cry for 659 00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:42,120 # You know you got the kind of kisses that I'd die for 660 00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:45,360 # You know you made me love you... # 661 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:48,920 HUMS AND HOWLS 662 00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:50,840 He absolutely adored me. 663 00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:53,000 Right, you know earlier, 664 00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:56,560 you were saying you don't suffer from altitude sickness...? 665 00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:58,040 I think you do. 666 00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:02,240 I think we've worked out, 667 00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:05,120 we know why Brian's huskies were going so fast. 668 00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:08,280 "Hike, hike!" "Quickly, boys, he's gaining on us." 669 00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:11,400 Dear God. 670 00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,560 The whole time they're pulling him, 671 00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:19,640 "He's still there! Come on. Bastard, he's fast!" 672 00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:23,960 Well, they are extraordinary animals. 673 00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:27,160 A 73-strong team once pulled a ten-tonne truck. 674 00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:29,920 - They are pretty impressive animals. - They are amazing. 675 00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:33,320 Now, what can you see here? Have a look. 676 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:35,440 - What's that? - Ooh! - Aah! 677 00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:36,640 BELL JANGLES 678 00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:40,320 - It's not what you think it is. - It's not the Loch Ness Monster. - It's a hoax. 679 00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:43,760 - Absolutely right, it's a forgery. - It's a famous hoax. 680 00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:48,600 - Do you know why the forgery was made? - Yes, I read a book... - There must have been a cash prize... 681 00:38:48,600 --> 00:38:52,400 It wasn't that, actually - it was revenge, oddly enough. 682 00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:55,760 It was a journalist - Marmaduke Wetherell. 683 00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:57,560 Marmaduke Wetherell, yes! 684 00:38:57,560 --> 00:39:02,480 He, er... Yes, of course. Shut up, I know something! 685 00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:04,440 I actually know something. Yes. 686 00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:07,360 Marmaduke Wetherell was a big game hunter. 687 00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:12,280 And he was... There was a competition, er... 688 00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:14,240 LAUGHTER 689 00:39:14,240 --> 00:39:17,360 Shut your face! I actually... Years, I've... 690 00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:21,560 Years and years I've waited, I know about Marmaduke Wetherell. 691 00:39:21,560 --> 00:39:25,600 I remember at the time, I thought, "That's going to come in handy some time." 692 00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:28,280 And then thought, "Probably not," but turns out it is. 693 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:32,200 There was a competition, er, by one of the newspapers, 694 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:35,200 to prove that the Loch Ness Monster existed. 695 00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:38,200 So Marmaduke Wetherell cut the legs off a hippo, 696 00:39:38,200 --> 00:39:43,280 and he made fake footprints with the severed hippo legs, 697 00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:47,160 and then presumably he got found out... 698 00:39:47,160 --> 00:39:51,080 - It's... - If you say no, I'll punch you in the face. 699 00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:55,080 You're really close. The point is, he wanted the prize. 700 00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:59,480 He was fooled by the artificial hippo footprints, 701 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:05,880 and he went to the Daily Mail and said "I've found these footprints," and the Daily Mail published them. 702 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:10,760 The Natural History Museum saw them and said, "This is a fake. These are hippo footprints." 703 00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:14,840 And he was fired by the Daily Mail. And he was so angry that he then put together 704 00:40:14,840 --> 00:40:19,400 this hoax, with someone else, whose name was...Christian Spurling, 705 00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:23,920 and many people believed that to be Nessie. And finally, 706 00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:27,520 to round off this merry edition of QI, 707 00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:33,360 let's see if we can perform, between us, a Christmassy song. 708 00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:38,040 You've each got some bells. Now, this could be a disaster. 709 00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:41,600 Put on your hats, there's a darling. 710 00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:46,160 I don't mean to alarm you, but mine has a fuse. 711 00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:51,640 - Now, have you got one of these cards here? - It's really tight. 712 00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:55,560 You see those bells? Your bells are numbered, 713 00:40:55,560 --> 00:41:00,240 and you should have a card, and we're going to see if... That's it. 714 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:03,080 - Tuning up. - Have you got your numbers clear? 715 00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:05,800 For God's sake don't do that. Stephen's butler'll turn up. 716 00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:07,960 Oh, Lord bless us all. 717 00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:11,040 - I've got a baton. - "You rang, sir?" 718 00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:14,000 We're going to try and play a Christmassy tune. OK? 719 00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:16,400 Are you ready? Have you got your numbers? 720 00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:19,920 Can you see the numbers on your cards? One, two, three. 721 00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:21,360 - One. - DING 722 00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:22,800 - Four, four. - DING 723 00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:24,240 - Five. - DING 724 00:41:24,240 --> 00:41:27,360 - Four, three, two, two. - DINGING 725 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:30,880 - Two, five, five, six. - DINGING 726 00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:33,520 - Five, four, three, one. - DINGING 727 00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:36,840 - One, six, six, seven. - DINGING 728 00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:39,080 - Six, five, four, two. - DINGING 729 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:40,760 - One, one, two, five. - DINGING 730 00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:44,760 - Three, four. - DINGING 731 00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:46,320 Well done. 732 00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:48,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 733 00:41:48,240 --> 00:41:49,680 Brilliant. 734 00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,040 Staggering. 735 00:41:55,240 --> 00:41:59,000 Such musicianship. Most impressive. 736 00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:02,440 And with that, we must look at the horrible cacophony of the scores. 737 00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:06,560 And it makes absolutely fascinating Christmas reading. 738 00:42:06,560 --> 00:42:10,800 I'm sorry to say that in last place, with minus eight, it's Sean Lock. 739 00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:12,600 APPLAUSE 740 00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:20,360 In third place, with a very creditable minus three, it's Ross Noble. 741 00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:22,000 APPLAUSE 742 00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:29,200 Our first-timer, in second place, with minus two, Brian Blessed. 743 00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 744 00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:37,120 But, do my eyes deceive me? With plus nine, 745 00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:39,840 a runaway winner, Alan Davies! 746 00:42:39,840 --> 00:42:41,160 CHEERING 747 00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:44,360 Well, there you are. 748 00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:52,840 So all that's left for me is to thank Brian, Sean, Ross, and of course Alan, 749 00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:56,400 and to leave you with this comforting thought from RG Daniels - 750 00:42:56,400 --> 00:42:59,080 "The most delightful advantage of being bald 751 00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:01,000 "is that one can hear snowflakes." 752 00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:03,920 Good night, and a very merry Christmas! 753 00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:18,040 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 754 00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:21,720 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk