1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,040 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:28,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:35,920 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 4 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:40,480 Good even and welcome to a special Shakespearean edition of QI, 5 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:44,640 dedicated to and entitled The Immortal Bard. 6 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:50,160 Strutting and fretting their hour upon the stage tonight are The Two Gentlemen of Verona - 7 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:52,520 David Mitchell and Bill Bailey! 8 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,560 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:02,200 The Merry Wife of Windsor, Sue Perkins. 10 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,240 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:10,720 And Much Ado About Nothing, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:12,720 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,800 So let the trumpets sound. David goes... 14 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,200 TRUMPET FANFARE 15 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,480 Nice. Sue goes... 16 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:28,320 TRUMPET FANFARE 17 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,520 Bill goes... 18 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,040 TRUMPET FANFARE 19 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:36,040 And Alan goes... 20 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,560 CHEESY TRUMPET MUSIC 21 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,080 Of course he does. 22 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,400 So let's take to the stage, good gentles all. 23 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:52,600 When David Tennant played Hamlet at the RSC, what did Tchaikovsky play? 24 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,440 - What? - Tchaikovsky? - LAUGHTER 25 00:01:55,440 --> 00:02:00,680 - Tchaikovsky being the composer Tchaikovsky? - Was he in the cast, Tchaikovsky? 26 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:04,000 - He was. - Was he? - Pyotr Ilyich? 27 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:10,560 Not Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, the Russian composer. Another musician called Tchaikovsky. 28 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:14,920 He was also a pianist, a startling, amazing pianist, most eccentric. 29 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:20,400 - Richard Stilgoe? - No, I've already told you his name. It was Tchaikovsky. 30 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,840 Are you saying he played Richard Stilgoe? 31 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,080 He blew into Richard Stilgoe and a noise came out the other end? 32 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:33,480 You're putting him in the past tense, so I'm assuming he shuffled off his mortal coil? 33 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:38,800 - To quote Hamlet. - That will be the only quote. That's it. I've blown all my quotes. 34 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:43,440 - You've done damn well. Good start. - So if he's dead... - He was dead. 35 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,800 - He's not alive? - The skull? - Yes, he played the skull. 36 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:52,320 - APPLAUSE - We don't have the real skull there, but that's what a skull looks like. 37 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:56,400 He was a very passionate Shakespearean. 38 00:02:56,400 --> 00:03:01,240 That is the real thing. Tchaikovsky bequeathed it to the Royal Shakespeare Company, 39 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:06,880 asking that it be used in productions of Hamlet for the part of... Do you remember the character? 40 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,560 - Is it Yorick? - Yorick, yes. 41 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:15,200 "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest..." 42 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:18,600 - "Wait a minute, this is Tchaikovsky! - It's not Yorick. 43 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,120 "I'll play a tune on his teeth." 44 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,760 There was a bit of trouble, health and safety issues. 45 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:30,160 A human tissue licence had to be ordered for him to appear on stage. 46 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:35,440 Did they cut his head off? He's gone, "When I die, I'd like my skull to be used by the RSC." 47 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,280 Someone's got to saw it off and rot it down. 48 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:43,080 The funeral directors thought it might be illegal. They had to get clearance. 49 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:48,440 David Tennant every day held it in his hand. Tchaikovsky would have been very pleased. 50 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:51,720 - There he is. - Look at that - a tramp yesterday! 51 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,840 You hope they've had to dirty it up again. 52 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:59,680 - Very much. - That's not just a bit of the guy still clinging... 53 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:03,680 There's a little face still on there he's got to wash off! 54 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,240 It's a long time since I've seen Hamlet. 55 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:11,760 Because it's such a well-known bit, you don't really question what happens in it. 56 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:15,840 It's an odd thing to do, to pick up a bloke's skull from a graveyard. 57 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:19,320 - It's someone he knew... - Then to go, "Alas, I knew him," 58 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:23,360 rather than going, "I feel a bit weird, having picked up his skull." 59 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:28,480 He's sort of saying, "It's ridiculous, I knew this man. I sat on his lap when I was a boy." 60 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:34,480 His jests "were wont to set the table on a roar". He says, "Where are your jokes now?" 61 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:40,960 - Not so funny now! - It is one of the great contemplations of death and mortality and it must be weirder 62 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,760 when you're doing it to a real person. 63 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:48,800 I presume David Tennant knew he was doing it to a chap who wanted it to be a symbol of death. 64 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:54,640 It'll be like I'm A Celebrity. Agents are going to put their acts down to have their skulls used... 65 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:58,520 "I'll get you your skull. You'll be in Shakespeare...one day!" 66 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:04,560 It would be awful if for your whole life you'd wanted to be an actor and it hadn't really worked out, 67 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:09,000 so you bequeathed your skull and it was used in a production of Hamlet, 68 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:15,920 then all the reviewers said, "I don't know, Yorick, it felt a bit stilted. It ruined that scene." 69 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,640 LAUGHTER 70 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,800 Name the Scottish play that Shakespeare wrote. 71 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,280 - Ah! Taggart. - Taggart! 72 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:24,400 LAUGHTER 73 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:28,160 It's not... Yeah, you see, you're trying to trick us, aren't you? 74 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:33,560 Your tricksy little QI. Two Gentlemen Of...Kilmarnock or something. 75 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,080 LAUGHTER 76 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:36,880 Demon Of Strathclyde. 77 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,520 Oh, go on, Macbeth! 78 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:40,600 - Yes. - Is it? 79 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,120 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 80 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,320 I was expecting this... 81 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:51,040 - HE MIMICS KLAXON - We thought that as actors, you might say, "Never, never!" 82 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,240 Then you would have got the forfeit. 83 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,000 I'd have the forfeit. 84 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,520 Because of course, there is a tradition 85 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:01,280 that the very saying of the name Macbeth in a theatre is bad luck. 86 00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:04,360 You have to sleep with ALL of your co-stars immediately. 87 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,480 Is that what you were told? 88 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,280 - Yes! Why? - How interesting. 89 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,080 What? 90 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:14,640 Do you know how this came about, this reputation of Macbeth 91 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,040 for being an unlucky play? 92 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:21,400 Is it because Macbeth was the sort of play in a company's repertoire 93 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:25,080 that they'd bring out when something closed suddenly? 94 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:28,760 Cos it was sort of short and usually went down quite well, 95 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,720 and so mention of Macbeth would imply that the current production 96 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,520 - was soon to close. - It's certainly true. 97 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,360 It is the shortest of the Tragedies, it's a banker, 98 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:39,680 people always go and see Macbeth, it's a popular play, um... 99 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,160 No, there is actually a really specific reason, it was a hoax. 100 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:47,040 A late 19th-century wit who was writing a review of Macbeth 101 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,720 just made up this story that, "This play's cursed, you know." 102 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:53,120 It was Max Beerbohm who made this story up entirely. 103 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:56,800 Although not many years later, in the 1942 production 104 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,520 - of dear Johnny Gielgud. - Dear, dear, Johnny. 105 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,720 Yes. 106 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,080 - Four people died in that production. - SUE: What?! 107 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:06,360 - Yes. - Is that the one where they used machine-gun fire... 108 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,600 to bring Birnam Wood to Dunsinane? 109 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:12,560 They certainly used searing make-up, didn't they? 110 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:16,880 - God, that's fantastic. - It's always good to go with an inflatable crown. 111 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:21,200 Yes, the two witches died, the Duncan died and the scene designer. 112 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:25,360 The set was then re-designed for a comedy and the principle in that died. 113 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:30,200 The radiant Diana Wynyard, a '30s and '40s actress you may remember, there she is. 114 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,800 She played Lady Macbeth and thought it would be more convincing 115 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,200 in the sleep walking scene to have her eyes closed. 116 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:40,000 - And she walked off the stage into the orchestra pit. - LAUGHTER 117 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,360 I don't know whether that's Macbeth's curse 118 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,920 or a being-a-stupid-actress curse. 119 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,360 They're all watching her going, "Just let her go." 120 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,560 It's the only way she'll learn. 121 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:57,560 Did she carry on going from the sort of bowels of... 122 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,280 Out damn....SPOT! 123 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,160 Then she climbed out again, apparently. 124 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,000 Doing it all through rehearsals, "I'm going to carry on." 125 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,880 There's a few things that weren't, you know, hoaxes, 126 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:12,760 were real practical applications, like whistling, 127 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:17,080 that was always imbued into... Every time I did a play, it was like, "Don't whistle backstage..." 128 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,600 You are a terrible whistler. 129 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:22,320 Well...maybe it's that. HE WHISTLES BROKENLY 130 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:26,800 - No, it's because... Wasn't it that was how they used to cue the scenery coming down? - That's right. 131 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,360 They used whistles for cues. 132 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:29,680 And... 133 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,360 - You could have a nasty accident. - You could, yeah, exactly. 134 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,040 Isn't it ridiculous though, that the way they got people 135 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:38,160 to stop whistling is to say, "It's a superstition, it's bad luck." 136 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:41,720 And then people go, "I won't then." People should adopt that with mobile phones. 137 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:46,360 You tell people, "You're in the audience of a theatre, you maybe want to turn your phone off, 138 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:50,360 so that if somebody rings you, it doesn't spoil it for everyone," people go, "Well... 139 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,840 "I hear that, but also I'm going to leave my phone on." 140 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:56,600 If you tell them it's bad luck, they'll presumably all turn it off." 141 00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:57,840 Yeah. 142 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:01,560 Like a curse, like an ancient curse. Tutankhamen said before he died, 143 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:04,720 couldn't abide the sound of the Nokia ring tone. 144 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,920 LAUGHTER And cursed everyone. 145 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,960 HE MIMICS NOKIA RING TONE 146 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:13,600 I curse all of you. 147 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:16,920 Or if you put a... 148 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,760 There was an article in, I don't know, say The Daily Mail, 149 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:23,920 - suggesting that other people's disapproval was carcinogenic. - LAUGHTER 150 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,040 Yes! 151 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:26,760 - Very good, brilliant. - APPLAUSE 152 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,840 Brilliant. 153 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,240 Or your house price might go down slightly. 154 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:39,320 "A tidal wave of immigrants would suddenly invade the country," 155 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:42,320 says Melanie Phillips, would you turn your mobile phone off. 156 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:46,160 Turn your phone off or Kosovan squirrels will steal your thimbles. 157 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,080 LAUGHTER 158 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:51,440 I was in a theatre not long ago when a phone went off and the actor just said, 159 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,920 - "Oh, for fuck's sake!" - LAUGHTER 160 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:57,800 - Turned to you in the audience... - Not to me! 161 00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:59,880 I'm glad to say on this occasion. 162 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,600 There was a time when, um... 163 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,000 Sometimes doctors are needed on stage. 164 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,680 When Ralph Richardson suddenly went up and said, 165 00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,280 "Excuse me, is there a doctor in the house?" 166 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:13,080 And a man said, "Yes, I'm a doctor." He said, "Oh, Doctor, 167 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,920 - "isn't this an awful play?" - LAUGHTER 168 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:23,240 - The best one is the Pia Zadora. - Oh, the Pia Zadora. It is the greatest, do tell it. 169 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:27,280 Pia Zadora, when there was a production of The Diary Of Anne Frank, 170 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,760 and Pia Zadora was so bad that when the Nazis... 171 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:34,480 HE KNOCKS They came downstairs and somebody shouted, "She's in the attic!" 172 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 173 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,080 In the attic! 174 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:44,560 What about Richard Harris coming on drunk? 175 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:48,040 And someone in the audience said, "Harris is drunk!" 176 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:50,720 And he stood up, cos he'd fallen down, and he said, 177 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,000 "If you think I'm drunk wait till you see O'Toole." 178 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,600 LAUGHTER 179 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,720 Peter O'Toole was in the Coach & Horses in Soho one lunchtime 180 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:03,160 having a drink and he made best friends with the drinker he was standing next to 181 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,200 and they getting absolutely pissed and... 182 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:09,600 O'Toole said, "Um, what shall we do? Let's go and catch a matinee of something." 183 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,800 So they wandered down Shaftesbury Avenue and said, 184 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,320 "Let's go here, see if it's any good." They sat down, 185 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:15,640 both very drunk. 186 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,720 And about ten minutes in, Peter O'Toole nudged his friend and said, "You'll like this, 187 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,640 "this is where I come on... Oh, fuck!" 188 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 189 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:29,240 I love that. 190 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:32,560 - Let me get this straight, he knew he had to be somewhere... - Yeah. 191 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:36,560 His subconscious took him there somehow, but it all went wrong. 192 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,280 We were in Edinburgh in this production of 12 Angry Men, 193 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:41,520 and one of the jurors fainted on stage 194 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,480 and his eyes rolled back in his head and he went, "Ugh." 195 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,840 And his head hit the table, bang! Like that. 196 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:50,600 So all of us picked him up, bodily, and carried him off the stage 197 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:55,680 and you could see the audience going, "I don't remember a bit where one of the jurors dies." 198 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,960 LAUGHTER It was terribly... 199 00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:01,560 It was very hot that year and somebody fainted in the audience as well, 200 00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:04,400 and she cart-wheeled down through the stairs like this, 201 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,040 sort of stage... 202 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:09,960 and she went... Rag-dolled, all the way down to the front of the stage, 203 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,000 and people were going, "Huh!" Like that. 204 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,840 And she knocked over someone in a wheelchair, right? 205 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,800 And he fell out of his chair, "Ah!" Like that. 206 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:21,240 Then the boyfriend got up, came down, saw his girlfriend unconscious, 207 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,160 and he fainted, right? 208 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,320 So there was a pile of bodies... 209 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,800 - at the front of the stage! - How bizarre! 210 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:33,000 Very odd thing to faint at the sight of unconsciousness. 211 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,320 LAUGHTER 212 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:39,120 - Not at the sight of blood, just... - I can't bear sleeping people. 213 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:42,320 - Oh, my word! Yeah. - It could trigger another and another 214 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:45,760 and another, and then the whole world would... If people had it. 215 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:49,320 It would be a very low-key version of a zombie movie. 216 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:50,480 LAUGHTER 217 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:56,280 Oh, yes, Max Beerbohm it was who invented the curse of Macbeth in 1898. 218 00:12:56,280 --> 00:13:04,120 Leonard Bernstein's musical based on Romeo And Juliet was set in New York. What was it originally called? 219 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:07,160 TRUMPET FANFARE 220 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,040 Was it West Side Story? 221 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,680 KLAXON SOUNDS 222 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:15,720 It became West Side Story, but it was originally called...? 223 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,400 - East Side Story. - Yes! - APPLAUSE 224 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,640 BILL: I was so close! 225 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:28,440 Originally, when they were working on it in the late '40s, 226 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:34,160 it was gangs of Catholics versus gangs of Jews in the Lower East Side, then five years later, 227 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,760 they decided they wanted Puerto Ricans against white gangs. 228 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:43,840 Catholics would just have to tap someone and they'd go, "I wish I hadn't done that. I feel awful now." 229 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:48,880 - It's just ten years of terrible guilt. Puerto Ricans are a bit more feisty. - They are. 230 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,920 - Let's admit that it worked. - Gay and feisty, by the look of them. 231 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:56,160 - The world of the musical. - Yeah. - Showgirls all! 232 00:13:56,160 --> 00:14:00,400 And all their pipes have been airbrushed out of this photograph. 233 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,440 LAUGHTER 234 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,360 APPLAUSE 235 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,960 Oh, heavens above! 236 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:21,000 West Side Story may be the best and certainly the best-known musical based on a Shakespearean fable. 237 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,160 But do you know of any others? 238 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,640 - Points going... - Kiss Me, Kate. 239 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:32,280 - Kiss Me, Kate, yes, by Cole Porter, was based on... - The Taming Of The Shrew. - Exactly. 240 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:35,120 - Is Cats based on Hamlet? - No. 241 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:42,880 But, odd as that sounds, there is a stage musical playing in London at the moment based on Hamlet. 242 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:46,360 - Is it "Hamlet! The Musical"? - No. 243 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:52,200 There is "Hamlet! The Musical", but this is a big West End musical based on a big movie 244 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,920 - that is the story of Hamlet. - Not Spamalot? - No. 245 00:14:55,920 --> 00:15:00,000 - It's a young prince. - Oh! - Born... - Yes. - He's not a human. 246 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,320 He's not a human? Is it ET? 247 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:06,080 Thank you, audience. The Lion King is based on Hamlet. 248 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,200 Did you not know? 249 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:11,480 At what point does Hamlet say, "Hakuna matata"? 250 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 251 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:18,720 - What about The Tempest? What would they have made of that? - Wicked. 252 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,320 - The Perfect Storm. - LAUGHTER 253 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,840 - Speed. Speed 2. - Twister. 254 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:30,440 LAUGHTER Harold And Kumar Get The Munchies. 255 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:36,640 Prospero's Books is one, but there's a '50s classic sci-fi movie. 256 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:40,880 - SHOUT FROM AUDIENCE - The audience are really joining in. - Rip One Out? 257 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:46,040 - Forbidden Planet. - Yes, with monsters... - Or its working title, Rip One Out! 258 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,440 There was one based on The Comedy Of Errors, a musical. 259 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:53,680 - What happens in The Comedy Of Errors? - It has two sets of identical twins. 260 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:59,320 One of them's shipwrecked, who's a girl, who's a boy? I'm married. Everyone's dead! 261 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:05,000 - The Boys From Syracuse is the name of the musical. - Terminator...2. - No! 262 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:08,880 Shylock is sent back from the future to... 263 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:12,640 Oh, I've got my chain stuck in my ruff! 264 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:14,880 LAUGHTER 265 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,720 Oh, that was embarrassing. 266 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:25,480 - Yeah. Hmm... - It sounded like it should sound rude. 267 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,960 Then you think about it... 268 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,360 No, not really. 269 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:35,800 So, there we are. What do Sigmund Freud, Mark Twain, Henry James, 270 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:40,160 a Looney from Newcastle and the Holy Ghost have in common? 271 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:44,040 Mark Twain had a link, but I don't know about the others. 272 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:48,520 He was sceptical about Shakespeare because he thought a toff wrote it. 273 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:52,760 He didn't believe that a normal boy from Stratford could write properly. 274 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:57,000 He was a Shakespearean sceptic, as were the others. 275 00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,760 Sigmund Freud also believed that and Henry James 276 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:05,600 and Professor Looney, that was unfortunately his name, from Newcastle 277 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:09,080 who wrote a book in 1920 called Shakespeare Identified. 278 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:15,560 This movement in the 19th century had the idea that Francis Bacon may have written Shakespeare's works, 279 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:19,880 particularly a woman, Delia Bacon, an American, completely insane. 280 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:25,800 She came over to England and wrote a 625-page book in which she didn't even mention the name Bacon, 281 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:29,640 then when she died, she claimed she was the Holy Spirit. 282 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:32,200 - SHE claimed SHE was the Holy Spirit? - Yes. 283 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:37,440 The Holy Spirit, if she was right, also doesn't believe Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare. 284 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:40,280 There were two other main candidates. 285 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,400 Hang on. TRUMPET FANFARE 286 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,360 What was it? LAUGHTER 287 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:50,760 - Marlowe. - Christopher Marlowe. - Christopher Marlowe is one. 288 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:55,640 - But the most popular one... - Earl of Oxford? - The Earl of Oxford, Edward de Vere. 289 00:17:55,640 --> 00:18:01,520 - Is that Edward de Vere? - That's Edward de Vere. - Wow, there's a lot going on there! - There is. 290 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,040 How did he keep that hat on? 291 00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:08,240 It's sort of Cate Blanchett with a moustache. 292 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:11,520 - LAUGHTER - But there are serious people. 293 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:16,960 Freud liked the fact that he lost his father early on like Hamlet. 294 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:22,440 Of course, Freud had an Oedipus Complex theory about Hamlet, so he liked that idea. 295 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:27,560 Looney invented a fanciful scenario because the Earl of Oxford died in 1604 296 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:31,960 and Shakespeare carried on writing plays many years after that. 297 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,800 That might be the point at which to abandon the theory. 298 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:41,960 You'd think. Instead of which, he claimed that before dying, he'd left a whole sheaf of plays 299 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:46,080 and that his servant Shakespeare produced them one after the other. 300 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:51,120 Isn't The Tempest written four or five years after he died, six years maybe, 301 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:55,880 referencing stuff of the time, so after de Vere's dead? 302 00:18:55,880 --> 00:19:01,200 - Yes, quite. - He probably just left, "Insert topical gag here." - That's right. 303 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:06,000 There are... Mark Rylance and Derek Jacobi, both supreme actors, 304 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,760 they believe it was the Earl of Oxford. 305 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,200 There isn't a shred of evidence. 306 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:17,240 It doesn't matter. On the basis that what Shakespeare means to people is "the guy that wrote those plays", 307 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:22,640 so if the guy that wrote those plays is a different guy, that's still, "What a great guy!" 308 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:29,880 - Yes. - It's not an earth-shattering conspiracy, really, is it, that perhaps it isn't him? - No. 309 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,040 Over 5,000 books on the subject, incredibly. 310 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:38,720 - It's extraordinary. - Yet no scrap of evidence? - Not real evidence, just speculation. 311 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,720 They say, "We know so little about Shakespeare." 312 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:46,560 There are very few people of the Elizabethan era about whom we know more. 313 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:52,000 Ben Jonson, a famous playwright, we don't know where he was born or how many children he had. 314 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:56,840 If other people were writing the plays, why didn't they say so at the time? 315 00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:02,120 - Quite. - They always say, "He didn't write all that." Wouldn't it have come out? 316 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:08,480 If it was Ben Jonson or any of those others, jolly good luck to them, I say. 317 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:11,360 Was it just because he wasn't posh? 318 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:15,840 It's snobbery. They think he was just this kid from Warwickshire, 319 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:21,840 but his father was a glover which was a decent trade and he went to the grammar school almost certainly. 320 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:28,080 He's sort of, you'd think, exactly as far up the society as you'd expect a major writer to be. 321 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:32,840 - Yes. - It's not like now the best novels are written by the Duke of Westminster. 322 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,720 A very good point. 323 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:39,080 Those people anyway claim that he didn't write his plays, all those ones we saw, 324 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:42,720 but how many words did Shakespeare write? 325 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,120 SUE: Oh, that would be quite a lot. 326 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,920 How many different words? 327 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,440 Yes. Yes, well, there are any number of things here, 328 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:53,920 one is simply how many pieces of his handwriting do we have? 329 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:58,200 - There's his signature. - There is, a few times, isn't there? 330 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:03,880 - He never spelled his name the same twice. - No. And it's pretty wonky writing, it's got to be said. 331 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:09,080 - Shacks-poor. - He was probably more used to, you know, typing. 332 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,560 LAUGHTER 333 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,840 - He was on the sauce on the top one. - He was on something. 334 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,400 - That one looks as if it says "galley pot". - LAUGHTER 335 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,400 The "William" is quite good on one of them. 336 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:23,800 Anyway, this reinforces some people's arguments who say he got a clerk even to write his name. 337 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:30,160 - He couldn't even write his own name. - But could he have theoretically dictated these plays to someone else? 338 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:34,680 Well...it's possible. Barbara Cartland used to lay on a sofa and dictate her marvellous novels. 339 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,360 I think AA Gill, the journalist, dictates, doesn't he? 340 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,720 Because he has very severe dyslexia, 341 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,560 I think he does. 342 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:43,360 So there are people who do. 343 00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:47,160 - So, he's got bad handwriting and that means he didn't write any plays. - No. 344 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:51,080 But it is surprising we don't have many examples of his handwriting 345 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,200 because the plays were presumably written out by other people. 346 00:21:54,200 --> 00:22:00,600 His vocabulary - how many words do you think he used? I'm not counting repeats. "The" he used a lot. 347 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:05,320 - Dagger, murder, wife. - This could take us a long time. 348 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:08,360 - We've got to start somewhere. - You're right. 349 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:12,760 - 5,000. - There are 20,000 words. 20,000 words. 350 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:18,440 How does that compare to the average vocabulary of a Briton, would we say, roughly? 351 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:22,120 - Four times as much. - No, half as much. - Less. 352 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:26,160 We're not saying Shakespeare used every word he knew in his books. 353 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:32,480 - He left lots out. I don't remember the word "clitoris" in any of them. - I think it's in the Second Folio. 354 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:37,320 It might be. It's about half out of the modern English person's vocabulary. 355 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:41,880 He didn't have certain words to call on like "texting" or "vajazzle". 356 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:48,440 On the other hand, he did have "guerdon" and "bodkin" and "fardel", which we don't use so much. 357 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:53,000 - Yogurt. - I don't suppose Shakespeare knew what yogurt was. - Broadband. 358 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:54,880 Broadband. 359 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:58,320 "Activia Pouring Yogurt" was a phrase you never heard him say. 360 00:22:58,320 --> 00:22:59,880 I can't get my head round... 361 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:02,600 - He'd have used that if it had existed. - Yes. 362 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:06,080 If I were to say I couldn't get my head round Activia Pouring Yogurt, 363 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:10,120 it would sound peculiar, but why would we want to pour a yogurt? 364 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:12,320 - What you want is pouring furniture. - Ah, yes! 365 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,240 Because it's quite difficult getting furniture to move. 366 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,680 If you could pour the furniture where you wanted it, 367 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,480 - and to the extent you wanted it... - Then it sets. - Exactly. 368 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:23,440 If could be made out of that thing Terminator 2 is made out of. 369 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:24,520 - Yeah. - Yes, exactly. 370 00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,240 They've got that already. Concrete. 371 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:27,440 Oh, yes. 372 00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:32,040 Well, I... You try and make a piano out of concrete. 373 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:34,320 I will. I'll give it a bloody good go. 374 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:36,480 Essentially, you want spray-on wood, don't you? 375 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,400 I'm not talking about Viagra. 376 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,760 - Hey! - You could sort of go... 377 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:44,040 You could go, "Tssh, tssh, tssh, tssh, tssh, tssh," and have a chair. 378 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,120 The future is 3D printing, is it not? 379 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:48,560 - Have you seen that? - It's amazing! - Extraordinary. 380 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:49,760 I've seen that. 381 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,480 That's some kind of voodoo. 382 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,800 It really is phenomenal. Phenomenal. 383 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,320 So it can create a 3D object? 384 00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:58,560 - Yes. - You put an object into a case, like that. 385 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,240 - Like a vole, so I've got a vole. - Say a vole. 386 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:02,840 Well, maybe not a... Yeah, a vole. 387 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:06,000 But you'd have to have it sedated in some way, 388 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:07,880 cos you wouldn't want it moving around. 389 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:11,120 It's been very humanely treated, it's sleeping. 390 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:12,960 It's sleeping and probably laminated. 391 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:16,080 And then you press a button and then you leave it for a few hours 392 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,160 and you come back and there's another vole! 393 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,680 That's cloning! How come that's...? 394 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:23,680 Lasers make calibrations of exactly every single detail of it. 395 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:26,200 I mean, really, really complex things can be printed. 396 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,040 What's it made of, then? 397 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,080 - It can be of different things. - Plastic. 398 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,560 - Plastics and resins and so on. - Marzipan. 399 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:34,200 I've seen some really complex... 400 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:35,400 - Marzipan?! - ..things. 401 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:40,400 You can make a marzipan vole? Ah! The wonders of technology! 402 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:44,160 Thank God! After all those years of postgraduate research. 403 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:47,040 - Hallelujah. - And we have a marzipan vole finally. 404 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:50,120 Wheel, steam engine, microchip, marzipan vole. 405 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,680 It's the decline of human civilisation! 406 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:57,520 That's when we knew it had all gone wrong, with a Battenberg rodent. 407 00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:58,560 Oh, well. 408 00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:00,960 Still, there are a lot of words. 409 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:04,680 In The Sun, David Crystal, a well-known linguistic fellow, 410 00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:09,720 estimated there would be about 6,000 words in any complete history of The Sun, 411 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,760 whereas the King James Bible has just 8,000. 412 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:16,680 The idea that we're dumbed down to a lower vocabulary may not be true. 413 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:21,520 Shakespeare coined over 1,000 new words, but not all caught on. 414 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:25,960 Here are some that didn't. See if you can put them into a sentence. 415 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:31,200 - Swoltery. Quatch. - I've got a swoltery quatch at the moment. 416 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:35,240 Already we're there, aren't we? 417 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:43,200 It happened when I put my kickie-wickies on. 418 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:46,120 I cockled me foxship! I've always been near-legged. 419 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:49,360 - You're a boggler in those. - I've boggled me carlot. 420 00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:53,480 Your Foxship, what happened to cockled boggler? 421 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:58,760 - Carlot - that's a thing. - A sexy garage. - It's true, actually. 422 00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:03,200 - Ahead of its time. - Way ahead. - A boggler is a very clumsy burglar. 423 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:10,720 A burglar that can't believe the stuff he's getting his hands on! 424 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:13,080 "Look at this DVD player!" 425 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:16,360 He used it to mean a hesitator. One who boggles. 426 00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:19,840 I don't know if it's as in boggling the mind. 427 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:23,240 What is a kickie-wickie? Is it Russell Brand's football? 428 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:28,640 It's an affectionate term for a wife. "Ah, my dear kickie-wickie." 429 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:31,240 That's not an affectionate term! 430 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:33,880 Domestic violence was a lot more acceptable... 431 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:37,760 Ah, the old smashie-washie. 432 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:39,560 The old battery-wattery. 433 00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,680 Punchy-wunchy. 434 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,800 And the quatch? Or is it a quatch? It's actually an adjective. 435 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,600 Quatch. It means to be a bit podgy. 436 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,400 - A bit quatchy? - Yeah. 437 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,000 Luckily, I'm wearing a surgical truss. 438 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:58,160 - Plump, shall we say? Wappened is corrupt. - Wappened. 439 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:02,280 That's never really caught on, but look at the ones that did. 440 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:05,680 Here's just a small example of words first used in Shakespeare. 441 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:08,120 Accessible, acutely, assembled... 442 00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:13,120 even-handed, eyeball, Frenchwoman, hunchbacked, neglected, overpower, 443 00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:16,840 radiant, revealing, rose-cheeked, schooldays.... 444 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:19,600 Frenchwoman? That's a bit of a stretch. 445 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,320 LAUGHTER 446 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:24,480 He invented it. 447 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,720 He invented taking the space out. 448 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:29,000 Yes, well done. 449 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:30,840 Even-handed. 450 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,480 "Zis is my wife. She's a... 451 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:37,840 "A thingummyjig. I don't know. What can I call her? 452 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:39,680 "Oh, Frenchwoman!" 453 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,920 - BRUMMIE: - "I think you'll find she's a Frenchwoman." 454 00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:47,560 You can't be absolutely certain. They may have been in use before, 455 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:50,760 but he is often the first printed source we have. 456 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:55,440 He'd have to have a pretty good idea that people would understand him. 457 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,320 Yes, exactly. 458 00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:59,840 Also, there are phrases he came up with, 459 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:02,400 and those now have come into the realm of cliche, 460 00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:06,160 so much so that we can't imagine that they didn't exist in the English language. 461 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,120 There are very many. We have a list here - 462 00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:09,160 "Be all and end all," 463 00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:12,320 "laid on with a trowel," "laughing stock," 464 00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:15,240 "more in sorrow than anger," "once more into the breach," 465 00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:19,240 "one fell swoop," "to play fast and loose," "there's the rub..." 466 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:21,200 How did he say, "What the Dickens"?! 467 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,080 Dickens didn't come along for another 250 years! 468 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:26,840 Exactly. "A wild goose chase," that's one of his. 469 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,320 "A heart of gold," "high time." 470 00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:31,400 "The game's up," "forever and a day," 471 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,480 "dead as a doornail," that's one of his. 472 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,560 "Foregone conclusion." And, of course, many more that aren't there. 473 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:39,680 "To the manor born," "cruel to be kind." 474 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:42,680 Basically the title of every programme we'll ever need. 475 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,200 Yes. He did give a lot of titles, didn't he? 476 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,240 If you're having trouble making up a programme title, 477 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:49,720 open your Shakespeare. 478 00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:52,880 Yes, go to the Shakespeare randomiser. 479 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,240 - Oh, I've done it again. - Oh, no. LAUGHTER 480 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:57,840 You know... 481 00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:02,200 This bit of ruff is not behaving. I've said that before. 482 00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:06,560 - LAUGHTER - Oh, dear, oh, dear. 483 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:10,560 So there we are. Call me a swoltery boggler if you like, 484 00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:11,840 but answer me this. 485 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:15,040 How did Dangerous Dan Tucker clean up Shakespeare? 486 00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:18,760 DRAMATIC: Oh, I sense I'm falling into a pit, but I shall do it anyway. 487 00:29:18,760 --> 00:29:21,280 I don't know why I'm speaking like that, it's the hat. 488 00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:25,480 Did he do an abridged version? Take out the mucky bits like the boggling...? 489 00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:26,560 KLAXON BLARES 490 00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:28,680 Oh, no, he didn't, I'm afraid. 491 00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:31,480 He didn't take out the rude bits. People did, as we know. 492 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:36,280 - Think of his name, "Dangerous Dan," what does that make you think of? - It makes me think of the Wild West. 493 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:38,240 Yes, stay in the Wild West. 494 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:41,080 What did people with names like Dangerous Dan...? 495 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:45,000 When they cleaned something up, it was unlikely to be a cupboard or a spare bedroom. 496 00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:46,720 - They shot people. - Outlaws. 497 00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:49,560 It would be a town. He cleaned up the town of Shakespeare. 498 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:52,720 - "Clean up this town." - There was a town called Shakespeare. 499 00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:54,960 - There it is. It's now a ghost town. - Wow. 500 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,240 That looks like a fun way to spend a weekend(!) 501 00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:02,200 It's in New Mexico, and it was lawless, back in the day. 502 00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:05,960 So they sent for Dangerous Dan, who was a pretty violent sheriff. 503 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:07,360 Hence the "Dangerous" bit. 504 00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:09,760 Well, quite. He really was dangerous, too. 505 00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:12,440 He'd already been city marshal in Silver City, 506 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:14,840 where, as a deputy sheriff, he killed a drunken man 507 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:17,520 who was standing on the street, throwing rocks at people. 508 00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:18,760 He went up and shot him. 509 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:20,880 So he didn't put up with bad behaviour. 510 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:23,000 - He was a zero tolerance sheriff. - Yeah. 511 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:25,640 So within the space of a few months in Shakespeare, 512 00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:27,880 he shot dead a cattle rustler, 513 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,680 he killed a man who rode into a hotel riding a horse... 514 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:31,720 Oh, come on! 515 00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:34,880 ..arrested and hanged the outlaw Russian Bill Tattenbaum 516 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:36,240 for stealing a horse 517 00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:40,840 and hanged Sandy King for "being a damned nuisance." 518 00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:44,480 Thank God they can't do that any more! 519 00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:46,560 Well, quite. He'd been "a damned nuisance." 520 00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:50,360 There's only about 17 people who'd live in those houses. 521 00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:52,480 Yeah, he wiped out the entire population. 522 00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:55,480 - "No more trouble here!" - Yeah. 523 00:30:55,480 --> 00:31:00,120 Of course, the little trap you fell into, the rewriting of Shakespeare, 524 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:03,400 was primarily the work of a famous couple, whose name was...? 525 00:31:03,400 --> 00:31:04,640 Richard and Judy. 526 00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:08,400 - The Bowdlers. - Oh, Bowdler. - The Bowdlers, indeed. 527 00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:10,400 - Absolutely, the Bowdlers. - Thomas Bowdler. 528 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:13,600 Thomas and Harriet Bowdler. Let's not forget Harriet. 529 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,280 She was particularly strong with her blue pencil. 530 00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:18,960 If she saw a word like "swoggle" or something. 531 00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:23,760 They brought out children's editions of Shakespeare, where the bloody, nasty bits were cut out. 532 00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:26,760 Did they give the tragedies happy endings? 533 00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,440 Nahum Tate wrote a version of King Lear with a happy ending. 534 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:32,560 And that was very popular for over 100 years. 535 00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:35,920 - People like happy endings. - They do, don't they? 536 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:38,280 I say give them what they want - big song at the end. 537 00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:41,040 Funnily enough, they did they give them what they wanted, 538 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:44,680 big song at the end - even after a tragedy, on would come a comic 539 00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:47,240 and do a jig and make a lot of jokes about the tragedy. 540 00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:48,520 That's the way... 541 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:51,840 So they'd blow wind, crack your cheeks, "My mother-in-law..." 542 00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:55,240 - Exactly. - "Don't worry, it was all pretend." 543 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:57,960 SHE HUMS A COMIC DITTY 544 00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:00,520 Now, how did Shakespeare's Bottom get to Norwich? 545 00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:05,960 Are there relics? Bits of him? 546 00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:10,240 He had a famous comedian who played Bottom and Falstaff. 547 00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:15,280 - Who did? - Shakespeare. And he created them for him. He was the funniest man in England. 548 00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:21,560 And his name is sometimes put. It says Kemp instead of Bottom on the original play script 549 00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:25,480 because it was so obviously Kemp who would play him. Will Kemp. 550 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:28,360 But he had a dreadful falling out with Shakespeare 551 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:30,680 or whoever ran the company, Burbage or somebody, 552 00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:32,160 and he went off in a right huff. 553 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:35,960 But he decided as a publicity stunt to Morris dance 554 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:40,280 - all the way to Norwich from London. - That's unnecessary. 555 00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:41,320 LAUGHTER 556 00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:44,880 It took him about three weeks, but he did it over nine days 557 00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:49,760 - and a famous phrase comes from this. - Cocking about? 558 00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:51,160 Er, no. 559 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:54,240 Making a right tit of yourself? 560 00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:59,520 Kemp's nine days wonder. It's where "a nine days wonder" comes from. 561 00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:01,760 He just did it for publicity. 562 00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:04,560 "I may have left Shakespeare's company, but I'm the man 563 00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:06,400 "and they will go down now." 564 00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:11,480 Quite the reverse happened. He went off to Italy and died in penury. 565 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:14,280 - His gravestone says, "Kemp. A man." - LAUGHTER 566 00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:20,320 And after he left, the first play Shakespeare wrote was Henry V in which Falstaff dies offstage. 567 00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:23,120 Kemp was kind of got rid of that way 568 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:26,320 and a new man called Armin came in and played the comedians. 569 00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:30,480 While we're on the subject of Will Kemp and his Morris dancing, 570 00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:33,000 what do you call a group of Morris dancers? 571 00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:34,040 An arse. 572 00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:37,720 - A swarm? - A swarm... 573 00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:40,920 - An embarrassment. - Oh... 574 00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:43,360 A plague? 575 00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:44,640 A bell-end. 576 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:46,440 A bell-end! 577 00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:52,040 - LAUGHTER - Honestly, poor old Britain. We've got one folk tradition in England 578 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:55,040 - and all we do is laugh at it. - It's true. 579 00:33:55,040 --> 00:33:59,600 It really generates hostility, Morris dancing. I think... 580 00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:04,560 - We're so mean about it. - I think we think they're up to something. 581 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:07,240 BILL: A perve of Morris dancers! 582 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:10,920 I think it's very valuable that we can point to that 583 00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:13,600 and say, "See? It's a free country." 584 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:17,920 LAUGHTER They're not doing that in Afghanistan! 585 00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:22,200 If we were going to ban anything, we'd ban that. 586 00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:28,360 What'll happen is if this scene of all of us dressed like this now and this photograph behind us 587 00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:34,000 is shown, we'll end up as an "And finally..." section on foreign news programmes. 588 00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:39,800 "Les anglais... Haha!" LAUGHTER 589 00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:42,720 It's known as a side, anyway. 590 00:34:42,720 --> 00:34:45,440 - A side. - A group of Morris men. 591 00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:47,280 No-one quite knows where it comes from. 592 00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:50,200 They think it's from Moorish 593 00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:55,120 to celebrate the expulsion of the Moors from Spain. 594 00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:58,560 Certainly not pagan and mystical or anything. 595 00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:02,600 It's pretty recent. 14th century is the earliest you can go back to it. 596 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,240 There are 150 sides now registered in the USA, 597 00:35:05,240 --> 00:35:09,400 so American Morris dancing is taking off in a BIG way! 598 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:13,080 - That's three per state, on average. - AMERICAN: - "I've joined a bell-end!" 599 00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:18,520 "This is what they do in Old England. 600 00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:22,560 - "Merry England." - There's an Arctic Morris group based in Helsinki. 601 00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:29,080 But now time to visit that undiscovered country from whose bourn no idiot returns, 602 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:34,680 as we bring down the curtain on general ignorance. Sound trumpets! Farewell, sour annoy! 603 00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:38,840 For here, I hope, begins our lasting joy. Fingers on buzzers. 604 00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:43,360 What best describes, in one word, Richard III's appearance? 605 00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:47,640 Hunchback! KLAXON SOUNDS 606 00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:49,280 No! 607 00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:53,920 No, there's no evidence at all that Richard III had a hunched back. 608 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:58,000 It's just the black propaganda of the Tudors who succeeded him. 609 00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:01,760 - The character in the play does. - Certainly. 610 00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:04,040 And a sort of twisted arm. 611 00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:09,000 A bottled spider is one of the things he's called. Hideous name. 612 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:13,480 It seems he was rather a decent fellow. Intelligent, kind. 613 00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:19,720 A man called Polydore Vergil, a historian determined to paint him as black as possible, 614 00:36:19,720 --> 00:36:24,680 described him as ugly. They associated ugliness with wickedness. 615 00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:29,920 So while on that sort of thing, how beautiful was Cleopatra? 616 00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:32,280 She was minging. 617 00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:35,200 A bit weird looking, but striking? 618 00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:38,080 - Yes, that's probably fair. - Bit of a weird nose? 619 00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:41,400 Long nose. It seems possible she had a long, pointy nose. 620 00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:45,880 There's no contemporary suggestion that she was particularly beautiful. 621 00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:50,360 - She had a very beautiful voice and was charismatic. - She seemed sexy. 622 00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:53,680 She seemed sexy, which I find is half the battle. 623 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:59,560 Her mouth is very small. It only extends as far as her nostril. 624 00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:02,480 That isn't necessarily Cleopatra. 625 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:06,120 - No? - That's just a woman... - An artist's impression. 626 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:09,520 Just a woman going mad with some napkins. 627 00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:11,360 Yeah, she's gone serviette crazy. 628 00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:17,320 "Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety," 629 00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:22,720 as Enobarbus said about her. How did Christopher Marlowe die? 630 00:37:22,720 --> 00:37:25,040 - Well, now... - DRAMATIC FANFARE 631 00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:26,320 Da-dum! 632 00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:29,880 - Yes? - Let me say it so you can mock me. 633 00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:32,480 He died in a bar brawl by being stabbed. 634 00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:35,360 KLAXON SOUNDS 635 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:40,600 Oh, dear me. He was stabbed, but not in a tavern brawl. 636 00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:43,000 It was thought so for many years, 637 00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:47,200 but it wasn't until 1925 that the documents came to light 638 00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:54,320 that showed he was killed at the house of a Mrs Eleanor Bull by a man called Ingram Frizer, 639 00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:57,160 with whom he'd spent the day and argued over the bill. 640 00:37:57,160 --> 00:38:00,240 Over a bill? That's a bit harsh. 641 00:38:00,240 --> 00:38:04,960 - "I only had a mineral water!" - Yes, exactly. 642 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:07,080 - So it wasn't a tavern? - No. 643 00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:10,200 What was the bill for, then? A restaurant? 644 00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:13,080 - A pop-up restaurant! - They call it a tavern. 645 00:38:13,080 --> 00:38:16,560 It was a smart restaurant, but went downhill after that stabbing. 646 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:19,880 - It might have been a prostitute. - Right. - A brothel. 647 00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:22,760 SUE: So a brothel bill. 648 00:38:22,760 --> 00:38:25,000 "I didn't have that. No." 649 00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:29,440 To be honest, the service charge is redundant. 650 00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:33,320 "I had one of them, two of them. 651 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:36,880 "I asked for that, but it never happened." 652 00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:38,520 It was off. 653 00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,880 "If we all chip in, we can afford that." 654 00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:46,720 Why don't we just get one big one and all have a bit? 655 00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:52,360 Oh, I don't know... Oh, no. Dear me. Anyway... 656 00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:54,480 He was unlikely to be in a brothel. 657 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:57,880 He didn't trust anyone who didn't love tobacco or boys. 658 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:02,480 - Ah, well. - Anyway, what made Lord Byron limp? 659 00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:06,080 LAUGHTER That's a follow-up question. 660 00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:09,040 Item four on the brothel bill? 661 00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:13,080 Eight hours of Morris dancing? 662 00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:16,720 He had, from birth, a pronounced limp. 663 00:39:16,720 --> 00:39:19,680 L-I-M-P. Pronounced "limp". 664 00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:23,280 They're not sure if he had a club foot. 665 00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:26,080 We know that, in fact, he didn't have a club foot. 666 00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:30,120 It's often said that he did. That's what people have heard of. 667 00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:33,160 He had a sort of withered leg, and you can tell from his boots. 668 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:35,520 He was very athletic and hated this limp, 669 00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:38,760 but he swam the Hellespont and he boxed 670 00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:41,160 and was very worried about his weight. 671 00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:44,360 He was possibly an early male anorexic. 672 00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:47,880 And he liked to spend money, did old Byron. 673 00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:52,200 He ordered batches of two dozen at a time of white linen trousers, which he only wore once, 674 00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:55,160 and silk handkerchiefs in batches of 100. 675 00:39:55,160 --> 00:40:00,520 Each one was nine guineas, an average man's pay for the year. 676 00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:05,600 Was he coining it in with the writing at this time? 677 00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:10,040 He inherited at an early age, which he spent very fast, 678 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:13,240 but he was, in fact, incredibly highly paid. 679 00:40:13,240 --> 00:40:18,400 For every canto of Don Juan, his last great masterpiece, he got thousands. 680 00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:21,680 So he'd run out of hankies, "Oh, I'll write another canto." 681 00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:23,800 He was hugely successful. 682 00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:29,040 - White linen trousers? - Yes. - Sounds like something out of Miami Vice. 683 00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:31,920 It does a bit. He had to leave England 684 00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:35,400 because there was a scandal about him possibly having had sex with... 685 00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:36,640 ..a young... 686 00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:38,400 BILL: ..goat. 687 00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:41,000 LAUGHTER 688 00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:44,960 He kept a bear at Cambridge in his rooms. 689 00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:51,480 The Master of Trinity said, "The rules are absolutely clear. No domestic animals." 690 00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:56,120 He said, "I assure you, Master, he's not domestic. He's entirely wild." 691 00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,480 So he was allowed to keep it. 692 00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:01,680 There was a rumour that he'd shagged his sister. 693 00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:05,400 - I thought you were going to say the bear! - No! 694 00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:10,280 - As far as I know... - Is that more horrific than shagging your sister? 695 00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:12,960 - It's just different, really. - It is. 696 00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:14,760 It's probably braver. 697 00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:16,960 LAUGHTER 698 00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:20,000 Lord Byron limped because of an abnormality in one leg, 699 00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:21,720 but it wasn't a club foot. 700 00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:24,680 Now what can the Queen do that an idiot can't? 701 00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:31,920 By the looks of it, kill people with their own eyes. 702 00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:38,720 - She doesn't look in the best mood. - "One tires of Morris dancing..." 703 00:41:38,720 --> 00:41:42,200 This is something she's allowed to do, but doesn't, 704 00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:45,440 - that an idiot is not allowed to do. - Drive? Vote? - Vote. 705 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:47,760 Most people think the Queen can't vote. 706 00:41:47,760 --> 00:41:50,000 She has every right to vote, as any citizen, 707 00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:52,680 but she's never exercised that, as far as we know. 708 00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:55,800 But idiots are not allowed to vote. 709 00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:58,720 And lunatics may only vote during their lucid periods. 710 00:41:58,720 --> 00:42:00,560 LAUGHTER 711 00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:03,640 They test them on the way in. 712 00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:08,200 Most people think the Royals can't vote. They just choose not to. 713 00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:12,440 Alas, alack and well away, our revels now are ended. 714 00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:18,240 All spirits are now melted into air, into thin air, and we must consult the scores. 715 00:42:18,240 --> 00:42:20,680 Oh, my gracious heavens. 716 00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:26,480 I'm afraid, rather down the bottom of the list, with minus 14... 717 00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:29,560 - Bill Bailey! - APPLAUSE 718 00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:36,680 And four to the better with minus 10, Sue Perkins! 719 00:42:36,680 --> 00:42:38,720 APPLAUSE 720 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:48,320 Second witch, with a very creditable plus 3, Alan Davies! 721 00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:50,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 722 00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:52,400 Very good. 723 00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:57,320 But tonight's Prince of Denmark with six points is David Mitchell! 724 00:42:57,320 --> 00:42:59,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 725 00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:11,400 Well, it only remains for me to thank our dramatis personae - Sue, David, Bill and Alan - 726 00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:14,880 and leave you with this perceptive thought from Robert Wilensky. 727 00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:17,760 "We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards 728 00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:20,240 "could produce the complete works of Shakespeare, 729 00:43:20,240 --> 00:43:23,600 "but now, thanks to the internet, we know that this is not true." 730 00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:24,640 Good night. 731 00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:49,000 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd