1 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:34,880 Goo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:37,899 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 3 00:00:37,899 --> 00:00:45,240 Welcome to tonight's QI where we're giving ourselves up to an evening of idleness and indolence. 4 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:50,560 Joining me in the hammock with a large gin and tonic in this week's edition of Knitting Today, 5 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:58,079 we have the inactive Ross Noble. 6 00:00:58,079 --> 00:01:05,599 The immobile Dara O Briain. 7 00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:12,280 The indolent Jeremy Clarkson. 8 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:22,260 And the simply inoperative Alan Davies. 9 00:01:22,260 --> 00:01:29,939 Should any of our panel feel the need to bother with their buzzers, they sound like this. Ross goes... 10 00:01:29,939 --> 00:01:32,439 Dara goes... 11 00:01:32,439 --> 00:01:34,939 Jeremy goes... 12 00:01:34,939 --> 00:01:40,640 And Alan goes... 13 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:44,020 Have another go. 14 00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:47,079 It's that kind of a lazy, lazy day. 15 00:01:47,079 --> 00:01:53,120 And before we dive in, I should remind our panel of the Nobody Knows joker. 16 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,599 'Nobody knows.' 17 00:01:54,599 --> 00:01:58,740 For this series, there may be a question to which the answer is "nobody knows". 18 00:01:58,740 --> 00:02:03,939 If you think I've asked that question, wave the question mark as Alan demonstrated. 19 00:02:03,939 --> 00:02:11,759 We might as well shamble along into a question. I've got my hands on the American nuclear trigger. 20 00:02:11,759 --> 00:02:17,319 Without putting yourselves to too much effort, see if you can tell me what the code is. 21 00:02:17,319 --> 00:02:23,420 - The secret trigger code? - The secret trigger code given to every President between 1960 and 1977. 22 00:02:23,420 --> 00:02:29,800 I think that if you've got to remember it under pressure and it would be a pressured situation, 23 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,539 beginning the end of the world, it's got to be something quite simple. 24 00:02:32,539 --> 00:02:36,500 It's zero-zero-zero-zero, zero-zero-zero-zero. 25 00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:42,079 - That literally was the code. Four zeros twice - eight. - Eight zeros? - Eight zeros. 26 00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:46,259 - I'm good at maths, me! - Eight zeros. That was the password. 27 00:02:46,259 --> 00:02:57,340 Is that because it's just about the end of the world and you go, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohh"? 28 00:02:57,340 --> 00:02:59,579 Did the President, when he was testing this, 29 00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:03,319 did he do the chip and pin, that little dance you do 30 00:03:03,319 --> 00:03:07,020 when the shopkeeper is looking at you and you kind of go... pretend to press... 31 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,340 Or the... 32 00:03:09,340 --> 00:03:12,419 I just do a cover. 33 00:03:12,419 --> 00:03:18,800 Have you not noticed polite shopkeepers now do this which is when you nick all the penny chews? 34 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,759 You're there with the lovely Debbie McGee, going... 35 00:03:27,759 --> 00:03:29,020 Ta-da! 36 00:03:29,020 --> 00:03:34,879 While you're doing your number, you say a different number slightly under your breath. 37 00:03:34,879 --> 00:03:39,900 - That's like rubbing your tummy and patting your head. - 4577. - That is clever. - "His number's 4577..." 38 00:03:39,900 --> 00:03:46,360 The people I most hated at school were those who in a test did that as if one cared what drivel... 39 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:51,740 - That's because you're not an idiot. - Oh, no, it's such a creepy way of behaving. 40 00:03:51,740 --> 00:03:56,099 So I always just do it like that, grandly make sure that my number... 41 00:03:56,099 --> 00:03:59,300 I published mine in The Sun once. 42 00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:04,139 - I remember that. - It went badly wrong. - That was very funny. - I couldn't understand it. 43 00:04:04,139 --> 00:04:09,900 They were complaining that everybody's bank details had been left on a train by a civil servant. 44 00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:13,240 I thought that makes no difference. All they can do is make a deposit. 45 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:17,079 So I published my bank account number. "What will you do with that?" 46 00:04:17,079 --> 00:04:26,360 And the Diabetic Society helped themselves to 500 quid. 47 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,819 Well... 48 00:04:29,899 --> 00:04:34,379 In case we feel smug, the British had code, what do you think that was? 49 00:04:34,379 --> 00:04:36,350 Crikey. 50 00:04:36,350 --> 00:04:39,220 "We didn't even have one" is the answer. 51 00:04:39,220 --> 00:04:42,680 Basically, it was a bicycle lock key 52 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,189 and to arm the weapon you remove two screws from the panel 53 00:04:45,189 --> 00:04:48,090 like opening the back of a remote control device, you know that? 54 00:04:48,090 --> 00:04:51,019 And this reveals the sequence of dials, but these wasn't codes. 55 00:04:51,019 --> 00:04:55,730 It was many settings, whether you wanted the bomb for an air burst or a ground burst. 56 00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:57,290 You just do it really like that. 57 00:04:57,290 --> 00:05:00,839 So Harold Wilson had to undo the back of a panel 58 00:05:00,839 --> 00:05:01,870 and then...? 59 00:05:01,870 --> 00:05:05,360 How do you think they brought politicians into that's all? It was just Flight Lieutenant Sanderson. 60 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:07,810 Oh, he just sets off. When the mood took him. 61 00:05:07,810 --> 00:05:11,319 They should've had it like you know the top of a tin of ham. 62 00:05:14,470 --> 00:05:18,360 Farewell, that one was good to the end, but never mind, lovely ham sandwich. 63 00:05:18,490 --> 00:05:20,629 Absolutely. That would have been the answer. 64 00:05:20,629 --> 00:05:25,180 As far as passwords are concerned, what do you think is the current state of advice? 65 00:05:25,180 --> 00:05:31,699 I'm sure everyone watching probably has passwords for anything from bank accounts to social media. 66 00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:38,879 - What's the advice? - The advice is that you should have a different password for everything you have 67 00:05:38,879 --> 00:05:43,259 and that it must always contain at least eight digits, 68 00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:48,579 some of which should be numbers and some letters, and you mustn't write them down anywhere. 69 00:05:48,579 --> 00:05:51,939 Exactly. That's the point. That kind of advice is useless. 70 00:05:51,939 --> 00:05:55,340 There isn't a human being on the planet you would want to meet 71 00:05:55,340 --> 00:06:00,980 who is capable of having all those in his head at the same time. 72 00:06:00,980 --> 00:06:03,959 The current advice is don't bother about writing it down 73 00:06:03,959 --> 00:06:06,939 if you've written it down and it's in a drawer in your desk. 74 00:06:06,939 --> 00:06:11,279 You're more likely to have your password stolen online by malware 75 00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:15,959 than by a burglar getting into your house and seeing it written down. 76 00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:22,920 If you need lots of different ones for different things, do what I do and have each of the Seven Dwarfs... 77 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:26,319 - Oh, shit! - You've given it away now. 78 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:32,199 A burglar breaking into your house is usually a lot less interested in information theft 79 00:06:32,199 --> 00:06:34,639 than in selling your television. 80 00:06:34,639 --> 00:06:38,100 This idea of writing it down being dangerous was oversold. 81 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:43,279 There is a complete mismatch between a person who'll get your password by using technology 82 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:45,980 and a person who breaks into your house to get your TV. 83 00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:52,040 You've really got to watch them smackhead geeks. They're the ones, the real ones. 84 00:06:53,159 --> 00:06:57,480 They go around like that with glasses on. Forget it. It's over. 85 00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:01,160 Have you noticed, if you've ever tried to wire up a Wi-Fi router, 86 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:06,290 when you're on the phone to a man in India and he says, "Go and read the numbers off the back of the router", 87 00:07:06,290 --> 00:07:08,970 why does it have a password on the back of the router? 88 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:14,889 There's a default password that you can change by going in, using your web browser. 89 00:07:14,889 --> 00:07:19,160 You can access your... 90 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:22,560 Are you a Help Desk of some description? 91 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:27,420 I am a bloody Help Desk. All my friends call me up just because I'm a boring nerd. 92 00:07:27,420 --> 00:07:33,060 - What you're saying is correct... - "Have you tried turning it off?" 93 00:07:33,060 --> 00:07:36,370 "Take the card out and hit it with your teeth!" Have you had that one? 94 00:07:36,370 --> 00:07:39,399 - With your teeth? - Yeah, like that. 95 00:07:40,399 --> 00:07:45,279 No, no, he went, "I've got Jeremy Clarkson on the phone." 96 00:07:45,279 --> 00:07:52,439 "Shove it up your arse. Go on." 97 00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:54,439 You can see it coming a mile off! 98 00:07:54,439 --> 00:08:01,730 "You know that petrol you love so much? Pour it on your head and have a cigarette. Go on." 99 00:08:01,730 --> 00:08:07,620 The greatest danger when setting a password is thinking of a word that sounds cool at the time. 100 00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:11,660 Cos you go, "Oh, superspy, that'll be a good one!" 101 00:08:11,660 --> 00:08:17,459 Suddenly, you go, "I'll have a whole other identity. It'll be amazing. I'll be The Raven." 102 00:08:17,459 --> 00:08:21,579 And you'll forget your spy name the next time you go to check your Hotmail account. 103 00:08:21,579 --> 00:08:24,689 "Was it The Hawk? No. 104 00:08:24,689 --> 00:08:26,769 "Was it The Eagle? No..." 105 00:08:26,769 --> 00:08:31,379 I've never been able to read these incomprehensible bits of scribbly writing you're supposed to reproduce 106 00:08:31,379 --> 00:08:37,120 - to show that you're not a bot. - "Captchas", they're called. 107 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:40,799 Apparently, computers can't scan in and recognise a wavy "3" 108 00:08:40,799 --> 00:08:46,100 or can't tell a kitten from a rabbit, which is the weird thing. 109 00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:51,960 "Which of these are kittens?" Click, click, click and then the rabbit... But robots haven't worked this out. 110 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:55,570 This is how we will win the war. 111 00:08:55,570 --> 00:08:57,580 "Which of these two animals do you like?" 112 00:08:57,580 --> 00:09:04,519 You've got a problem if it says to come up with a password and you're just holding up kittens. 113 00:09:04,519 --> 00:09:07,240 I'd rub them off the screen. Is that not what you're supposed to do? 114 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:16,179 - I'd find as many kittens as the computer asks for. - Lots of static electricity. Just put them up there. 115 00:09:16,179 --> 00:09:21,090 Static is only so strong. Over time, they'll slowly begin to slide down. 116 00:09:21,090 --> 00:09:27,940 That's exactly why I do it. I have a kitten and a puppy and I bet on which one gets down first. 117 00:09:27,940 --> 00:09:30,179 That's why I don't have a computer. 118 00:09:30,179 --> 00:09:35,559 It's strange how the biometric systems that have been in movies for at least 30 years, 119 00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:38,730 retinal scans, thumbprints and so on, aren't really used. 120 00:09:38,730 --> 00:09:42,559 A lot of laptops ask for a thumb, but they haven't really taken off. 121 00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:46,220 - I love the eye thing at airports. - You do use those? 122 00:09:46,220 --> 00:09:51,929 Yes, it's really good getting very drunk on the plane, so your eyes are completely bloodshot. 123 00:09:51,929 --> 00:09:57,779 You think, "They'll never do it this time. I'll be locked in this box for ever." It always knows it's me! 124 00:09:57,779 --> 00:10:04,139 In the airport, you know when you go through the first security bit and they take your photograph? 125 00:10:04,139 --> 00:10:08,090 What I do is I do a different hairstyle. 126 00:10:08,090 --> 00:10:10,700 Like that, then change it for the next time. 127 00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:15,080 Whom is that inconveniencing more? 128 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:17,529 The security person or you? 129 00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:22,820 Who's the one who's having things looked up their bottom and missing their flight? 130 00:10:22,820 --> 00:10:27,769 Well, you know, there's only so much time you can kill in duty free. isn't there? 131 00:10:27,769 --> 00:10:30,559 Why not shove something unusual up there? 132 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:34,919 Go on, guess what that is, guess what it is! 133 00:10:34,919 --> 00:10:39,179 I went through Gatwick to get on a flight to Spain. 134 00:10:39,179 --> 00:10:43,690 You know the way some people behind you get stopped and they go, "You've got fluids," or whatever? 135 00:10:43,690 --> 00:10:46,129 Or they go, "You can't do this." 136 00:10:46,129 --> 00:10:51,889 And they all started laughing. They said, "I'm sorry, sir, you can't bring this." 137 00:10:51,889 --> 00:11:00,860 It was like one of those two-litre bottles of soft drink filled with water and a fish floating around! 138 00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:05,730 - They wanted to take their fish on holiday? - They brought their fish with them. 139 00:11:05,730 --> 00:11:13,399 You could see your man going, "The fish is grand, it's not the problem, but you can't bring the fluid." 140 00:11:13,399 --> 00:11:19,200 Are you sure it wasn't just a Japanese couple and that was their packed lunch? 141 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:23,179 - You'd just have to drink a bit of the water. - To prove that this is...? 142 00:11:23,179 --> 00:11:28,399 - To prove it's not a... - Presumably, the fish is already proving they're not making a bomb. 143 00:11:28,399 --> 00:11:31,649 "We did think, but evidently not..." 144 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:35,639 Fish don't swim in nitroglycerine! 145 00:11:35,639 --> 00:11:39,159 It's been trained to swim in explosive fluid! 146 00:11:39,159 --> 00:11:43,570 That is exactly how I found out that I really like baby food 147 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,009 because they said, "Can you eat a bit of the baby food?" 148 00:11:46,009 --> 00:11:50,879 I went, "All right... That's good!" 149 00:11:50,879 --> 00:11:55,399 "We'll get some more for the child. Give her peanuts." 150 00:11:55,399 --> 00:11:58,879 - Delicious! - Stewed apple. - Oh, yes, lovely. 151 00:11:58,879 --> 00:12:04,919 The point is, there's more chance of someone tracking your computer than breaking into your house. 152 00:12:04,919 --> 00:12:09,519 You might be better off choosing a complicated password and writing it down. 153 00:12:09,519 --> 00:12:14,970 What's the best way to ensure that you get the best person for any job within the hierarchy? 154 00:12:14,970 --> 00:12:18,129 Or indeed of you like the least bad person. 155 00:12:18,129 --> 00:12:23,419 I'm talking about a principle in the promotion of people within office hierarchies. 156 00:12:23,419 --> 00:12:29,090 - Employee gets promoted to one level above their degree of competence. - Yes. That is exactly right. 157 00:12:29,090 --> 00:12:31,679 Do you know what's that called? There's a name for that. 158 00:12:31,679 --> 00:12:33,679 - "The Peter Principle"? - It's "The Peter Principle". 159 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:36,820 The idea is if, say, you start in the office and you're very good at filing or whatever 160 00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:39,289 They say we'll move him up to this or her up to this. 161 00:12:39,289 --> 00:12:42,370 They go upstairs, "She's surely good at that". Moving up, moving up. 162 00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:47,519 As you're good at things you will get promoted, until you get to the thing you're not good at. 163 00:12:47,519 --> 00:12:50,679 And that's sort of inherent flaw with a hierarchy ecosystem. 164 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:54,620 So what would be way of electing MPs? 165 00:12:54,620 --> 00:12:57,200 Obviously, people have fiddled around with types of 166 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:01,330 whether there's first past the post or AV or PR or single transfer of their vote. 167 00:13:01,330 --> 00:13:05,049 But there's a system which guarantees certain number of things. 168 00:13:05,049 --> 00:13:10,620 It guarantees, for example, powerful interest groups can have no influence whatsoever on the outcome. 169 00:13:10,620 --> 00:13:15,840 - That's good. - Unlike the current system where elections are won by people who are good at winning elections. 170 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:21,179 It does not favour the charismatic, the rich, the well-educated or the well-connected. 171 00:13:21,179 --> 00:13:25,769 Votes cannot be bought, it's impossible in this system to be corrupt. 172 00:13:25,769 --> 00:13:29,639 It's called "sortition" - it's what the Greeks used. 173 00:13:29,639 --> 00:13:32,720 And it is, quite simply, lottery. 174 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,279 It is the same way we choose a jury. 175 00:13:35,279 --> 00:13:39,730 You are told that is your duty for certain number of years to be a politician. 176 00:13:39,730 --> 00:13:42,179 And you're paid for it. It's a brilliant idea! 177 00:13:42,179 --> 00:13:45,500 Yeah, it's a brilliant idea, except for the fact that if it's a lottery 178 00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:48,419 do you really want to find out who the MPs are gonna be 179 00:13:48,419 --> 00:13:52,179 by Dale Winton, pressing a button? 180 00:13:52,179 --> 00:13:54,500 - It could be you. Aahh! - Everybodyyy? 181 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:57,659 Obviously, maybe I shouldn't have used a word "lottery". 182 00:13:57,659 --> 00:14:01,740 But by random selection of a citizen, essentially. that it becomes a part of a citizen's duty 183 00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:05,450 for a some part in their life to be involved in the presence of government. 184 00:14:05,450 --> 00:14:08,120 How many times could you put it off before they made you do it like jury service? 185 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:11,600 Well, it's an interesting point, isn't it? I mean, in Australia they make you vote, don't they? 186 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:17,360 - Yes. - And jury service, I'm not sure I've been let off jury service as perhaps you would be. 187 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,220 If you are a known face... 188 00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:21,769 - Sadly doesn't wash any more. - Doesn't it? - No. 189 00:14:21,769 --> 00:14:23,490 Oh, I'd write a letter. 190 00:14:23,490 --> 00:14:30,169 I'm so sorry but I don't want some blood dripped murderer staring at me saying, "I know you". 191 00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:37,769 The defendant comes out, sits down, "Oh, shit, it's Clarkson. Oh, God, no." 192 00:14:40,970 --> 00:14:45,899 And then sinks into a sombrero, going, "I shall not get justice here". 193 00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:53,049 What are the chances of an Italian, and a German, and a Mexican, all... 194 00:14:53,049 --> 00:14:56,799 "You're clearly guilty cos you drive a Prius" 195 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,940 The system they should have is that you just open the doors of parliament 196 00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:07,820 and everyone just like piles in, and anyone who gets a seat are allowed to stay, everyone else - out. 197 00:15:07,820 --> 00:15:11,320 - When the music stops, you seat down. - Exactly. 198 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,940 The Speaker of the House with a mouth organ. 199 00:15:13,940 --> 00:15:19,759 But sortition is a genuine system that was genuinely used by the world's first really great democracy, Greece. 200 00:15:19,759 --> 00:15:23,679 And it seemed to work very well. They believed that the idea of a professional politician 201 00:15:23,679 --> 00:15:30,360 with vested interest was inimical to the idea of "demo-cracy", "rule of people", ordinary people. And that it... 202 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:35,899 But it wasn't opened to everybody, was it? Cos there are quite a few people I've just thought of I don't want doing it. 203 00:15:35,899 --> 00:15:39,409 But mostly the ones who want to do it, which are the ones we have, obviously. 204 00:15:39,409 --> 00:15:42,100 I'm just more intrigued by the fact of it being random punters. 205 00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:46,940 But it being done like that "Noel's house party" thing when the television shows you. 206 00:15:46,940 --> 00:15:49,450 You know, where they flash round and there will be someone sitting on the couch. 207 00:15:50,889 --> 00:15:58,980 And then they go, "And the Minister of Education is, Geoffrey McComal". And he goes, "Oh, shite." 208 00:15:58,980 --> 00:16:01,159 "What? Oh, no." 209 00:16:01,159 --> 00:16:04,299 But anyway, it's worth thinking about, isn't it? It is a fascinating idea 210 00:16:04,299 --> 00:16:07,980 that we would have a duty to be politicians. It would stop us moaning quite so much. 211 00:16:07,980 --> 00:16:13,080 Why might it be a good idea to use your leisure time smoking 30 cigarettes a day, 212 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:16,639 drinking explosives and eating dried blood? 213 00:16:16,639 --> 00:16:18,980 - Why would it be? - Yes. 214 00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:24,500 How might that help one? And, indeed, in a strange way, possibly even lengthen one's life? 215 00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,500 We're in a war here. 216 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:29,039 And there were black ops on both sides. 217 00:16:29,039 --> 00:16:35,460 While we were in Italy, the Italians who weren't as witless as perhaps we like to think of them as being ours enemy 218 00:16:35,460 --> 00:16:38,399 They sent boxes of matches as gifts 219 00:16:38,399 --> 00:16:42,049 that would drop down on the allied troops, and inside were little folded bits of paper 220 00:16:42,049 --> 00:16:44,370 and the folded bits of paper said... There they were, look. 221 00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:48,220 This is how to pretend to be ill, very convincingly. You're gonna lose the war. 222 00:16:48,220 --> 00:16:52,409 You're having a miserable time fighting us. It's ghastly. You probably gonna be killed. 223 00:16:52,409 --> 00:16:55,210 You've got a family back home. You've done your bit. 224 00:16:55,210 --> 00:16:58,419 Just pretend to be ill. And you'll get sent home. 225 00:16:58,419 --> 00:17:00,720 It's rather clever. 226 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:05,480 And it gives advice for psychological things as well. It says, "Act as if you hate to be ill." 227 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:10,329 It's quite good psychology. "Stick to one set of symptoms. And don't tell the doctor too much." 228 00:17:10,329 --> 00:17:17,160 Basically, smoke as much as you can, 20 to 30 cigarettes a day. If you normally smoke as much, double it. 229 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,059 And otherwise there are various other little tricks you can use. 230 00:17:19,059 --> 00:17:21,759 Why smoke them? Or this was before people were worrying about lung cancer? 231 00:17:21,759 --> 00:17:25,079 I know if you did smoke a lot it wasn't about lung cancer, it was about the fact that it would make people breathless. 232 00:17:25,079 --> 00:17:28,170 and it could bring on conditions similar to cardiac arrhythmia and so on. 233 00:17:28,170 --> 00:17:30,019 Isn't it easier to just shoot yourself in the foot? 234 00:17:30,019 --> 00:17:33,660 Well, the trouble is, that was such a known thing, a "blighty one" it was called. 235 00:17:33,660 --> 00:17:39,410 I mean, anybody who was shot in the foot in the war, people went, "I don't think so". 236 00:17:39,410 --> 00:17:40,730 Shoot yourself in the ear. 237 00:17:40,730 --> 00:17:44,400 - That's a difficult one to get exactly right. - Well... 238 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:48,140 In your foot the worst is you gonna get the bullet in the ground.. 239 00:17:48,140 --> 00:17:50,720 I think I can blow my own ear off. 240 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:57,819 I think it's odd how you can paralyse your arm by bandaging a pebble on your funny bone. 241 00:17:57,819 --> 00:18:01,440 And then there's a needless drawing of a bottom. Figure 1. 242 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:07,380 There's no such thing as a needless drawing of a bottom. That's what I can say. 243 00:18:07,380 --> 00:18:12,579 It doesn't feature in any of this. Why is there a bottom? Not mentioned. 244 00:18:12,579 --> 00:18:19,000 It is there to catch your eye. It's how advertisers do these days. 245 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:23,420 The British, of course, replied in kind. And what we tended to do is flood them with 246 00:18:23,420 --> 00:18:28,380 books that looked like real German manuals, sporting books, all kinds of things, catholic prayer book. 247 00:18:28,380 --> 00:18:31,259 And sort of half-way through suddenly there will be this list of ways 248 00:18:31,259 --> 00:18:35,420 of how to pretend to be ill. And we really did use an enormous number of them. 249 00:18:35,420 --> 00:18:38,619 There was a man called Delmer, who was in charge of it, Denis Sefton Delmer. 250 00:18:38,619 --> 00:18:42,440 And he hoped to appeal to the sort of Germans in a "Schweinhund" as he called it. 251 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:47,400 And there were manuals, step-by-step instructions as to how to fake a wide range of diseases. 252 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:51,720 And they sort of had a double effect, once cos the Germans knew they were there, obviously. 253 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,700 And that meant they doubted a lot of people who were genuinely ill. 254 00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:57,440 And sent real ill people back to the front. 255 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:01,049 Where they could be a) demoralised and b) spread infection. 256 00:19:01,049 --> 00:19:04,960 And generally it's just all part of the strange little things people do. 257 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,859 But there was a good way to fake tuberculosis. And this is really fascinating. 258 00:19:08,859 --> 00:19:15,180 How would fake tuberculosis? Sadly we are at the time again when tuberculosis was a big threat to our population. 259 00:19:15,180 --> 00:19:17,019 Pretend to be a badger. 260 00:19:17,019 --> 00:19:22,220 Well, there is the issue whether or not badgers do or don't. Yes, I know. 261 00:19:22,220 --> 00:19:25,210 I can tell which side you're on in the great badger debate. 262 00:19:25,210 --> 00:19:28,170 But, aside from that, tuberculosis... 263 00:19:28,170 --> 00:19:30,650 Glass, powdered glass. 264 00:19:30,650 --> 00:19:33,950 Well, certainly you have to cough, cough blood is important. 265 00:19:33,950 --> 00:19:37,630 But the mucus you bring up is gonna be analysed by a doctor. 266 00:19:37,630 --> 00:19:40,990 This is only applied to men and I think you'll see why, in a little while. 267 00:19:40,990 --> 00:19:43,930 So, you get to have a nice genuine cough by doing a lot of smoking. 268 00:19:43,930 --> 00:19:47,720 Tell the doctor you had flue some time ago but the cough just hasn't gone away. 269 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,579 And there's blood in your mucus. 270 00:19:49,579 --> 00:19:52,539 You can add the blood to your mucus, obviously, just cut a finger and just add it to mucus. 271 00:19:52,539 --> 00:19:54,960 That's easy, cos he would want to analyse it. 272 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,470 But what do you add to the mucus 273 00:19:57,470 --> 00:20:02,140 that would allow him to believe that you might have a tuberculosis bacterium inside? Well.. 274 00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:05,279 - Sperm. - You're very close. Horribly close. 275 00:20:05,279 --> 00:20:06,960 I'm afraid it's a little worse, in fact. 276 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:11,210 - Dingleberries. - What the gentleman must do is not wash downstairs for a while 277 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:14,960 until cheese develops under the foreskin. 278 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,470 - Charming. - And they take a little bit of this cheesy substance 279 00:20:17,470 --> 00:20:20,230 and add it to the mucus, and the blood. 280 00:20:20,230 --> 00:20:23,740 And so when the doctor asks for the sputum you give them that. 281 00:20:23,740 --> 00:20:26,789 And a lazy doctor, and a pretty averagely competent doctor 282 00:20:26,789 --> 00:20:31,180 would be fooled by the similarity of whatever it is in smegma. 283 00:20:31,180 --> 00:20:33,980 Or perhaps he just would rather not do the analysis. 284 00:20:34,309 --> 00:20:35,789 He wouldn't know that is was smegma. 285 00:20:35,789 --> 00:20:40,819 He not just gonna send you to a psychiatric ward, going "You're eating knob cheese." 286 00:20:40,819 --> 00:20:47,849 Point is he doesn't know it, you're using your knob cheese because it looks like TB bacillus. 287 00:20:47,849 --> 00:20:48,970 That's the point. 288 00:20:48,970 --> 00:20:53,500 Yeah, but the thing is, he's gonna know, he's gonna see the crackers falling out your pocket. 289 00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:54,410 The what? 290 00:20:55,099 --> 00:20:59,890 Jacobs crackers, you can't just eat it straight, it looks bad. 291 00:21:03,009 --> 00:21:05,210 "Other crackers are available." 292 00:21:06,559 --> 00:21:09,119 This is the worst conversation I've ever been in ever. 293 00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:13,670 Ladies and gentleman, this may be a television first, but I just want you 294 00:21:13,670 --> 00:21:17,009 to remember we're talking about a piece of history, we're talking about how people 295 00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:19,220 tried to malinger or pretend to be ill 296 00:21:19,220 --> 00:21:22,779 - Personal hygiene is very important. - We're talking about personal hygiene, we're talking about 297 00:21:22,779 --> 00:21:27,950 a fact, some people might giggle when the word "smegma" or "cock cheese" is used on the television. 298 00:21:27,950 --> 00:21:30,859 I think that's their problem, not ours. 299 00:21:30,859 --> 00:21:34,380 So, since we've got nothing better to do, what about a board game? 300 00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:39,880 Why was Alfred's Game so much more successful than Alfred's Other Game? 301 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:42,119 - That is Alfred who is... - Scrabble? 302 00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:44,519 Yes, Scrabble is the answer. 303 00:21:44,519 --> 00:21:49,259 - Alfred Butts. - And he sold that for bugger-all. - It's interesting. 304 00:21:49,259 --> 00:21:54,319 He had the idea of the board and the 15 by 15 squares and the triple letter and double word and so on. 305 00:21:54,319 --> 00:22:00,730 He made them himself. In the early '50s, it was in the shops of New York and it wasn't a great success. 306 00:22:00,730 --> 00:22:07,640 The chap who ran Macy's, the famous department store, he played it one Christmas and he went nuts for it. 307 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:09,599 The following year, it sold four million. 308 00:22:09,599 --> 00:22:16,380 It was the fastest growing game in the history of that genre of games. It just completely went wild. 309 00:22:16,380 --> 00:22:22,170 And all he got, I say "all", was about 1.6 million, Butts, the inventor. 310 00:22:22,170 --> 00:22:26,440 But he never complained about it. He said, "It allowed me to have a wonderful life." He was proud of it. 311 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:31,690 He then produced another game which he called Alfred's Other Game. 312 00:22:31,690 --> 00:22:35,529 That wasn't a hit, despite the lady in the black, busty dress. 313 00:22:35,529 --> 00:22:40,329 The principle of the scoring is pretty obvious. He used the frequency of letters in English. 314 00:22:40,329 --> 00:22:44,819 The highest score you could have from one word has been worked out. 315 00:22:44,819 --> 00:22:48,579 I wonder if you know what that word is? It's unlikely. 316 00:22:48,579 --> 00:22:54,099 - The highest I got was "underpass" on two triple word scores. - Very good. I did "bezique" once. 317 00:22:54,099 --> 00:22:56,599 - You would though, wouldn't you? - That was very lucky. 318 00:22:56,599 --> 00:23:01,839 - You would have "underpass", wouldn't you? - "Underpass" is good. 319 00:23:01,839 --> 00:23:04,660 You've got to use all seven. You get the plus 50... 320 00:23:04,660 --> 00:23:10,289 The most irritating thing about playing Scrabble is when people use words that aren't in common usage. 321 00:23:10,289 --> 00:23:16,519 - Just earlier this year, they announced that "grrl" is now a word, but it isn't. - No, it isn't. 322 00:23:16,519 --> 00:23:22,440 And I have my house rule which is you can't use a word you don't know the meaning of. 323 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:26,519 - I'd go even further than that. - Some people just learn lists of words. 324 00:23:26,519 --> 00:23:32,359 - Why put in a word that you just...? - Do you let people have the list of two-letter words? - No. - No. 325 00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:34,240 "Jo" is a classic case in point. 326 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:40,079 I know it means "love", but I never use the word "jo" in conversation. Therefore, you can't have it. 327 00:23:40,079 --> 00:23:44,319 - Or people who spell "axe" in the American way. - Without the E. - No! 328 00:23:44,319 --> 00:23:49,819 - Do you know the most commonly played word in Scrabble? - "Penis." - No. - It is in my house. 329 00:23:49,819 --> 00:23:53,079 - It's rather thrilling. - "Gay"? 330 00:23:53,079 --> 00:23:55,660 - No, not "gay". - It's a good word. 331 00:23:55,660 --> 00:23:58,400 - It's a fine word. - Seven points. 332 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,799 - QI! - QI, thank you. 333 00:24:00,799 --> 00:24:03,799 "Qi" is the most commonly played word in Scrabble. 334 00:24:03,799 --> 00:24:09,329 It's a Q that doesn't need a U and if it's on a triple letter, you score well. 335 00:24:09,329 --> 00:24:13,819 It's the Chinese for the "life force". If you could play the word 336 00:24:13,819 --> 00:24:17,970 and it would involve intersecting with many other words because it's longer than seven letters, 337 00:24:17,970 --> 00:24:21,140 if you could get "oxyphenbutazone", 338 00:24:21,140 --> 00:24:25,779 there is a technical, potential score of 1,178. 339 00:24:25,779 --> 00:24:29,769 - Just for playing that... - And I bet you've done it. - Never, no. 340 00:24:29,769 --> 00:24:32,420 Is this Call My Bluff? 341 00:24:32,420 --> 00:24:36,240 Can I just point out, I'm dyslexic, I've never played Scrabble. 342 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:42,359 To me, playing Scrabble is like decorating a bathroom. 343 00:24:42,359 --> 00:24:44,410 - That is unfortunate. - Finished! 344 00:24:44,410 --> 00:24:49,009 There are games of Scrabble that involve words like "bezique" and there are games of Scrabble that involvewords like "tits". 345 00:24:49,009 --> 00:24:50,400 You know, I do both. 346 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:53,039 You look at the Scrabble board and go, 347 00:24:53,039 --> 00:24:56,609 "God, we really aren't the sophisticated people we thought we were." 348 00:24:56,609 --> 00:25:00,730 The highest recorded single word is 392 for "caziques", 349 00:25:00,730 --> 00:25:03,309 - played by Dr. Karl. - "quizzically" would get you 400, I reckon. 350 00:25:03,309 --> 00:25:05,369 That's, obviously, counting any one of the "z"s. 351 00:25:05,369 --> 00:25:07,390 - Oh, well, obviously, yes. - That's pretty good. 352 00:25:07,390 --> 00:25:11,289 - But If you get it on two treble words. - Yeah, that would be the key, isn't it? It would be fantastic. 353 00:25:11,289 --> 00:25:14,589 Alright, well, we gonna move on somewhere where spelling isn't quite as important. 354 00:25:14,589 --> 00:25:16,319 Is it "Boggle" next? I like that too. 355 00:25:16,319 --> 00:25:20,910 No, this is Monopoly. Strategically speaking, which are the properties, that are best 356 00:25:20,910 --> 00:25:22,740 to buy straight away, if you can? 357 00:25:22,740 --> 00:25:26,390 - Are they the ones that if somebody is in Jail people will constantly end up starting again? - That's the point. 358 00:25:26,390 --> 00:25:30,549 If you get a 6 or an 8, which are the most likely throws you'll get for a dice game, 359 00:25:30,549 --> 00:25:32,769 you are gonna land on one of those as you move out of Jail. 360 00:25:32,769 --> 00:25:37,089 Which is rather appropriate because Vine Street, Marlborough Street and Bow Street are all streets 361 00:25:37,089 --> 00:25:38,460 which have in common...? 362 00:25:38,460 --> 00:25:40,799 - Courts. - They used to have, yes, Magistrates' Courts in them. 363 00:25:40,799 --> 00:25:43,450 And I think they all, actually, now in disuse, but.. 364 00:25:43,450 --> 00:25:46,140 And why is there a dog? 365 00:25:46,140 --> 00:25:47,089 And a hat? 366 00:25:47,089 --> 00:25:48,920 Which one would you choose? You'd choose the car, I suppose. 367 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:50,539 I'd choose a car or a ship. 368 00:25:50,539 --> 00:25:53,660 - Why would you choose?.. Who said that I will?.. - Well, I will dog. 369 00:25:53,660 --> 00:25:58,970 - You take the dog for a walk around London. - Yeah, but hold on a second, you'd go for the dog over the iron? 370 00:26:00,980 --> 00:26:05,980 Give it a choice, you got, right? Dog or the iron, in most scenarios dog is a better option. 371 00:26:05,980 --> 00:26:07,910 - True. - Greyhound racing. 372 00:26:07,910 --> 00:26:10,849 They're off. Oh, the iron's lost again. 373 00:26:12,519 --> 00:26:15,519 "Quick, quick! The criminals are getting away, release the iron!" 374 00:26:16,509 --> 00:26:20,250 "Darling, I've gotta get to that formal occasion in the next while." 375 00:26:22,430 --> 00:26:26,500 Do we know how they arrived at the idea of an iron, a dog, ship? 376 00:26:26,500 --> 00:26:31,619 Apparently, one of the theories is that these were all things that were on his wife's charm bracelet. 377 00:26:31,619 --> 00:26:34,430 His wife had a charm bracelet, inventor of the game. 378 00:26:34,430 --> 00:26:37,710 - She had a ship on her charm...? - I don't know. 379 00:26:37,710 --> 00:26:39,269 They only have an iron. 380 00:26:41,210 --> 00:26:45,900 "To remind you of the indentured servitude of our married life, 381 00:26:45,900 --> 00:26:50,480 "here's an iron. Now go walk the dog." 382 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:56,849 My next question on idleness is what did the dormouse do on his gap year? 383 00:26:56,849 --> 00:26:59,529 - There's a dormouse. Aren't they charming? - Sweet. 384 00:26:59,529 --> 00:27:07,799 - I suppose you know the most obvious thing about a dormouse is... - They sleep in teapots? - Well... 385 00:27:07,799 --> 00:27:12,559 - According to Lewis Carroll they do. - They're very quiet. - They're not mice. 386 00:27:12,559 --> 00:27:19,099 - Obviously, yes. - They're not doors, either. - They're neither doors, nor mice. 387 00:27:19,099 --> 00:27:24,660 - The dorm is the key. The dormancy of them. - They sleep. - They spend so much time asleep. 388 00:27:24,660 --> 00:27:31,450 - They're the only animal that will hibernate for 18 months, sometimes. Aww, look at him asleep. - He's dead! 389 00:27:31,450 --> 00:27:32,980 - Oh, shush! - He's dead! 390 00:27:32,980 --> 00:27:35,859 - Shush! - He has been killed... 391 00:27:35,859 --> 00:27:40,250 That creature has been killed by those falling nuts. 392 00:27:40,250 --> 00:27:47,210 - No! - He tried to pick them up. - They live a surprisingly long life. 393 00:27:47,210 --> 00:27:53,660 - If they're asleep for 18 months... 18 months?! - They see how the harvest is going to be on the beech trees 394 00:27:53,660 --> 00:28:00,740 very early in the season and if they think there won't be many nuts, they just sleep through. 395 00:28:00,740 --> 00:28:06,460 They eat as much as they possibly can, put on huge amounts of fat and sleep. Quite astonishing. 396 00:28:06,460 --> 00:28:12,859 At our house you can see the river from the bottom of the garden and we were showing this to people 397 00:28:12,859 --> 00:28:20,250 who'd brought their kids. And a squirrel came down off a tree and scampered to the water's edge. 398 00:28:20,250 --> 00:28:25,599 This is the Thames. And it started swimming in the water. 399 00:28:25,599 --> 00:28:31,019 You could see the ripple where he was going, the tail, when wet... 400 00:28:31,019 --> 00:28:36,779 And we're all going, "This is fantastic! Look at him swim!" And then all the parents go, "Jesus! 401 00:28:36,779 --> 00:28:44,539 "I hope he can swim all the way otherwise we're encouraging our children to watch a squirrel drown." 402 00:28:44,539 --> 00:28:48,619 "Someone go out there, just in case he doesn't make it! I'll go." 403 00:28:48,619 --> 00:28:52,410 And the squirrel goes, "Jesus, they're coming for me!" 404 00:28:52,410 --> 00:28:57,609 - Tell me he made it. - He disappeared from view and then, as we go, 405 00:28:57,609 --> 00:29:04,099 "We have to explain death to these children," emerges out of the water, shakes himself off, 406 00:29:04,099 --> 00:29:07,220 tail - whoomp! Runs into the trees. 407 00:29:07,220 --> 00:29:10,140 - Oh... - He swam the Thames? 408 00:29:10,140 --> 00:29:18,980 - He swam the Thames. - I'm very happy. - And raised 400 quid for Sport Relief. 409 00:29:18,980 --> 00:29:22,759 You have to watch the last item on every local news coverage 410 00:29:22,759 --> 00:29:28,009 because two minutes later he was on water skis. 411 00:29:28,009 --> 00:29:28,740 Now... 412 00:29:28,740 --> 00:29:35,900 could you demonstrate the best way to sit the dolls you've been given, which you should find somewhere, 413 00:29:35,900 --> 00:29:39,339 in a chair? We're really after what's best for the back. 414 00:29:39,339 --> 00:29:46,089 - You've got a chair and a bendy... - 'His politics are terrifying.' Please don't pull the string. 415 00:29:46,089 --> 00:29:51,420 - These are Stigs that you can buy in shops. - You pull the string and Clarkson speaks? 416 00:29:51,420 --> 00:29:59,160 Could anything give nightmares to children more? You're not Woody from Toy Story, are you? 417 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:03,440 Well, what we're after is what you think, what you seriously think, 418 00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:07,779 is possibly the healthiest way to sit at a chair in an office. 419 00:30:07,779 --> 00:30:11,980 I can reveal that this is how the Stig actually sits in a chair. 420 00:30:11,980 --> 00:30:13,769 There. 421 00:30:13,769 --> 00:30:18,930 - You've all gone for very unusual postures. - Yes, I love those. 422 00:30:18,930 --> 00:30:23,450 The head just came off mine and he revealed himself to be Action Man. 423 00:30:23,450 --> 00:30:28,359 - I knew it! You're all doing very interesting shapes. - There you go. 424 00:30:28,359 --> 00:30:30,519 That's good for his back, is it? 425 00:30:30,519 --> 00:30:34,160 Oddly enough, Clarkson wins. 426 00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:40,720 - It's not difficult! - You win because you're right, not just because you're the least wrong. 427 00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:43,920 The idea was that sitting up straight was good for your back. 428 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:52,420 Actually, quite a steep backward... 30-odd degrees, is much better for you. 429 00:30:52,420 --> 00:30:57,019 It's a bit unfortunate if you slip off your chair. It looks lazy, so bosses never like to see it, 430 00:30:57,019 --> 00:31:01,140 but you can say, "It said on QI so it must be true," 431 00:31:01,140 --> 00:31:04,960 or you can point to the research that's been done. 432 00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:11,369 You know if you use a chair like a lion tamer uses a chair? Would that repel a cat? 433 00:31:11,369 --> 00:31:18,319 - That's how you start, I guess. Start on a cat and you build up through the feline species. - Really? 434 00:31:18,319 --> 00:31:22,779 - You start with a smaller chair? - No, you start with a cat. 435 00:31:22,779 --> 00:31:25,859 I'd start with a lion and a really huge chair. 436 00:31:25,859 --> 00:31:29,759 - No, start with a small cat and a small chair. - I see. 437 00:31:29,759 --> 00:31:35,480 Use Stig to show me where the nasty man touched you, Alan. 438 00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:37,059 Stephen... 439 00:31:37,059 --> 00:31:39,930 Oh, dear! 440 00:31:39,930 --> 00:31:43,079 Put them all away now, children. 441 00:31:43,079 --> 00:31:43,940 Thank you... 442 00:31:43,940 --> 00:31:50,400 - This must have been... - Yes? - I've got bloody Jim Henson here! 443 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:53,920 Oh, look, look, actually. What we can do is have 444 00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:59,099 our very own mock execution. 445 00:31:59,099 --> 00:32:01,920 All we need now is a saw and there you go. 446 00:32:13,099 --> 00:32:18,460 Just because you revealed his identity in a book, you've got to fry him. Unfair. 447 00:32:18,460 --> 00:32:23,140 Moving on, if you can put away your toys... 448 00:32:23,140 --> 00:32:25,329 Let's have an ingenious interlude now. 449 00:32:25,329 --> 00:32:31,099 I want you all to make a homopolar motor. You should have a bowl with these. 450 00:32:31,099 --> 00:32:34,940 This was first done in 1820 by one of the great scientists 451 00:32:34,940 --> 00:32:36,529 and it's rather amazing. 452 00:32:36,529 --> 00:32:41,819 You've got a wood screw, a magnet, a piece of wire and a battery. 453 00:32:41,819 --> 00:32:46,519 - A homophobic motor, did you say? - No! Homopolar! - Homopolar. 454 00:32:46,519 --> 00:32:51,880 It means you get rather depressed and you're gay. No, shush. 455 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:54,920 - Sir? Sir? What do you have to do? - Watch the tape behind. 456 00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:56,640 The tape behind. 457 00:32:59,170 --> 00:33:01,799 Take the screw... 458 00:33:01,799 --> 00:33:07,079 - ..in your... - You touch it. - ..in your right hand... 459 00:33:07,079 --> 00:33:08,049 Wha...?! 460 00:33:08,049 --> 00:33:09,200 What's he doing now? 461 00:33:12,519 --> 00:33:15,680 Is that just stuck to the...? What's he done? Oh, I see. 462 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:18,690 - Ohh! - That's it. 463 00:33:18,690 --> 00:33:23,900 - Holy moly! If this works... - It's extraordinary how fast it goes round. - Jesus! 464 00:33:23,900 --> 00:33:29,079 - It spins round so fast... - Oh, yeah! - It really, really does. 465 00:33:29,079 --> 00:33:34,059 - It's still going! I'm not even connected! - Why doesn't mine work? 466 00:33:34,059 --> 00:33:39,660 - Why is that working? - Look at that! - If I was to use the power from the buzzer 467 00:33:39,660 --> 00:33:43,519 - and just stick that... - It's going without the wire. 468 00:33:47,599 --> 00:33:54,920 - It's slowing down. - What? - Slowing down. - You don't need the wire. 469 00:33:54,920 --> 00:34:00,009 - Your finger might be completing the circuit. - I've got sparks! 470 00:34:00,009 --> 00:34:02,490 - I dropped it down there. - Oh, dear. 471 00:34:02,490 --> 00:34:09,130 Perhaps you could be kind... Thank you. Michael Faraday demonstrated it all that time ago in 1820. 472 00:34:09,130 --> 00:34:13,900 And the ingenious thing about it is the speed at which it goes round. 473 00:34:13,900 --> 00:34:16,329 It goes at about 10,000rpm. 474 00:34:16,329 --> 00:34:24,179 All right, into the ice-cold shower of general ignorance we plunge ourselves. Fingers on buzzers. 475 00:34:24,179 --> 00:34:25,780 If they're still working, Ross. 476 00:34:25,780 --> 00:34:30,039 - We live in a spiral galaxy, don't we? Yes, thank you. - It's fine. 477 00:34:30,039 --> 00:34:36,099 We live in a spiral galaxy called the Milky Way. How many arms does that spiral have? 478 00:34:36,099 --> 00:34:38,639 - Two. - No. 479 00:34:38,639 --> 00:34:47,900 - 'Nobody knows!' - Yes, you're right! We don't know. Very good. 480 00:34:47,900 --> 00:34:53,659 - And the reason we don't know is because we're inside it. - We couldn't possibly know. 481 00:34:53,659 --> 00:35:00,519 We can see distant galaxies and count their arms, but our own, when you're inside, you can't tell. 482 00:35:00,519 --> 00:35:06,050 Now can you be bothered to tell me what make and model of car this is? 483 00:35:09,500 --> 00:35:16,340 - Yes? - It's a three-wheeler. You drove one hilariously and kept falling over at corners. 484 00:35:16,340 --> 00:35:21,010 Is it a Robin Reliant? 485 00:35:21,010 --> 00:35:24,099 That was really mean of me. I knew someone would do that. 486 00:35:24,099 --> 00:35:27,400 - Everyone calls it a Robin Reliant. - It's not a Robin Reliant. 487 00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:33,369 - It's a Regal supervan. - Yes. - The Robin was a different model. 488 00:35:33,369 --> 00:35:38,900 It gets in the way of Mr Bean's Mini as well. People think that's a Robin Reliant. 489 00:35:38,900 --> 00:35:42,050 They are these Regal supervans. 490 00:35:42,050 --> 00:35:47,599 You have driven a Reliant Robin. Would you like to remind yourself of that experience? 491 00:35:47,599 --> 00:35:51,579 This was setting off in it. Sheffield. 492 00:35:51,579 --> 00:35:53,320 You get to the first corner and... 493 00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:56,650 That was a fast one 494 00:35:56,650 --> 00:35:58,699 and then it rolled over again. 495 00:35:58,699 --> 00:36:04,539 And then it rolled over all day. And then it rolled in the river. 496 00:36:04,539 --> 00:36:08,900 Now apparently letters came to your office saying 497 00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:16,199 - that if "Mr So-called Jeremy Clarkson..." - On So-called Top So-Called Gear, yes. 498 00:36:16,199 --> 00:36:22,139 "..knew how to drive the Robin, he would know you cannot drive it at speed." 499 00:36:22,139 --> 00:36:26,780 - As if you were all incredibly disappointed. - Oh, bother! 500 00:36:26,780 --> 00:36:31,969 Oh, no, it's rolled over again. I must drive more carefully so it's completely boring. 501 00:36:31,969 --> 00:36:39,059 - You challenged the Stig to drive it. - He rolled it over. - First corner. - It was unbelievably comfortable. 502 00:36:39,059 --> 00:36:45,039 You'd be very surprised. As it flops over, I don't know if it's the shape, but... "That's nice." 503 00:36:45,039 --> 00:36:51,659 It's quite annoying to be sitting bolt upright. Everybody looks a bit idiotic when they're driving. 504 00:36:51,659 --> 00:36:55,980 And so to think, "I'm a bit weary. Oh, yes..." 505 00:36:55,980 --> 00:37:00,059 - And have a lie down. - I once flipped a Land Rover. 506 00:37:00,059 --> 00:37:06,659 The thing went over, onto its roof, onto its side. My wife's lip gloss hit me in the face. 507 00:37:06,659 --> 00:37:10,980 And then the sat nav on the dashboard just came crashing down 508 00:37:10,980 --> 00:37:18,400 and I was lying there, dust all over the place, and the sat nav went, "Off route. Recalculating." 509 00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:25,260 - "If possible, do a U-turn." - I just remembered, when we did rolling the Reliant Robin over, 510 00:37:25,260 --> 00:37:30,699 Health and Safety got involved and they made us take every single thing out of the car, 511 00:37:30,699 --> 00:37:36,929 including my cigarettes and lighter, lest these catapult around and smack me in the eye. 512 00:37:36,929 --> 00:37:43,519 So every thing was taken out. Then they put in this sort of window-breaking hammer. 513 00:37:43,519 --> 00:37:49,369 A very substantial piece of steel. A window punch. And they put that on the centre console. 514 00:37:49,369 --> 00:37:55,039 And the abiding memory I have was this spike going...pshhh! 515 00:37:55,039 --> 00:37:59,219 The safety equipment bloody nearly took my head off. 516 00:37:59,219 --> 00:38:03,250 Unhealth and lack of safety gone mad. 517 00:38:03,250 --> 00:38:07,079 I'm thinking of training either as a doctor or a vet. 518 00:38:07,079 --> 00:38:13,300 Obviously I want the... Good God. I want the shortest possible course. Which should I choose? 519 00:38:13,300 --> 00:38:15,480 Which is the quickest one to become? 520 00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:21,500 I'll do it. Ready? Doctors. 521 00:38:21,500 --> 00:38:27,340 People have it in their heads that it takes longer to qualify as a vet than as a doctor. It doesn't. 522 00:38:27,340 --> 00:38:32,019 By about two years it doesn't. A veterinary degree takes 5 or 6 years, 523 00:38:32,019 --> 00:38:35,260 but to become a British GP is a minimum of 9 years. 524 00:38:35,260 --> 00:38:40,340 And then 12 years to be a hospital consultant. 525 00:38:40,340 --> 00:38:46,889 - How long was it for vets? - Vets, it depends on the course, but five or six years. - OK. 526 00:38:46,889 --> 00:38:49,920 They have the highest suicide rate, do they not? 527 00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:56,500 - The only people who want to be vets are people who love animals. - And most of the time they... 528 00:38:56,500 --> 00:39:00,579 "I love animals. I so want to be a vet." And you study for six years 529 00:39:00,579 --> 00:39:03,889 - and then all you do is drive around killing animals. - Put them to sleep! 530 00:39:03,889 --> 00:39:08,900 "My dog's not well." 531 00:39:08,900 --> 00:39:12,239 "My horse! It's been in the family..." 532 00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:19,059 - Eventually, it's going to get to you. You'll get fed up. - If you're doing them three at a time! 533 00:39:19,059 --> 00:39:26,840 You're not quite as emotionally attached as you previously were! You're popping them gang-stylee! 534 00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:30,639 You're lining them up three in a row to see how many you can do... 535 00:39:30,639 --> 00:39:35,940 I'm sometimes terrified when our vet comes to shoot the donkeys or the horses. 536 00:39:35,940 --> 00:39:39,739 "Donkey or horse - you decide." 537 00:39:39,739 --> 00:39:45,969 When you did that sound effect there, that's the end of EastEnders. 538 00:39:45,969 --> 00:39:51,880 - In my head, every time I watch EastEnders and they go... - Horses are dying! 539 00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:56,250 You'll hear, "Doof doof..." and I'll imagine bleeding donkeys falling. 540 00:39:56,250 --> 00:40:00,340 It should have been terriers. 541 00:40:00,340 --> 00:40:05,940 - Oh... - "And now All Creatures Great And Small..." Doof, doof, doof! 542 00:40:05,940 --> 00:40:11,199 - That's how it starts! - Well, it will take at least nine years to train as a GP 543 00:40:11,199 --> 00:40:12,980 whereas vets can do it in five. 544 00:40:12,980 --> 00:40:17,690 Now, which gets more from charity in the UK, animals or humans? 545 00:40:17,690 --> 00:40:21,429 Oh, it's, it's donkey sanctuaries, it's animals. 546 00:40:23,780 --> 00:40:27,449 No, we like to think of ourselves as that animal loving thing and we like to 547 00:40:27,449 --> 00:40:31,579 tell stories of how mad people have given huge sums to donkey sanctuaries or whatever 548 00:40:31,579 --> 00:40:36,019 but in fact it always has been the case that far and away the most money we give is to human charities 549 00:40:36,019 --> 00:40:38,050 and in particular one kind, if you can name it. 550 00:40:38,050 --> 00:40:40,050 - Well, it's children charities. - No, not children charities. 551 00:40:40,050 --> 00:40:41,579 - Cancer. - Cancer. 552 00:40:41,579 --> 00:40:45,710 To children riding on the backs of sick donkeys. 553 00:40:45,710 --> 00:40:48,659 We give a lot more to animals than we do to the old. 554 00:40:48,659 --> 00:40:53,869 That may be true, they've just amalgamated the two major all people's charities happening at the time, 555 00:40:53,869 --> 00:40:59,960 I'm sorry, I thought you said they've amalgamated animals and old people. 556 00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:05,530 What you've created there is a sort of venison.. You've got your guns. 557 00:41:05,530 --> 00:41:08,760 It's a sort of venison that they called "old deers". 558 00:41:13,030 --> 00:41:17,989 Basically, cancer research gets the most, by massively in front. Children charities do well, and obviously some of those are 559 00:41:17,989 --> 00:41:20,710 also child cancer related but not as well as the National Trust. 560 00:41:20,710 --> 00:41:23,389 The National Trust gets more money than children's charities do. 561 00:41:23,389 --> 00:41:26,260 The RSPCA is Britain's favourite animal charity 562 00:41:26,260 --> 00:41:29,800 but even that has never been in the Top 10 of British giving. 563 00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:32,980 Which brings us ambling idly towards the scores 564 00:41:32,980 --> 00:41:38,019 and what reading they make. In last place... 565 00:41:38,019 --> 00:41:40,900 with an impressive minus 15, Dara O Briain! 566 00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:51,940 Lounging lazily behind him on plus 1, Jeremy Clarkson! 567 00:41:57,780 --> 00:42:01,900 Er, a little bit ahead there, though, on plus 4 is Ross Noble! 568 00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:13,019 And in an episode which is all about indolence, who would ever have thought that the day would come 569 00:42:13,019 --> 00:42:17,400 when I would say that our runaway winner with plus 12 is Alan Davies! 570 00:42:26,159 --> 00:42:27,239 Well... 571 00:42:27,239 --> 00:42:31,860 That's all from this indolent edition of QI, so it's good night 572 00:42:31,860 --> 00:42:36,519 and I leave our losers with these wise words from James Thurber. 573 00:42:36,519 --> 00:42:40,780 "It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all." Good night.