1 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,720 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:39,240 Gooooood evening, 3 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:42,200 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 4 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:46,520 and welcome to an episode of QI that is jam-packed with J words. 5 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,920 Joining me to joust and jostle 6 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:52,920 in tonight's J-themed jamboree are the jazzy Bill Bailey... 7 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,520 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,280 ..the jest-propelled Jimmy Carr... 9 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,920 APPLAUSE 10 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:08,560 ..the jasmine-scented Victoria Coren... 11 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:11,280 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,480 ..and that jolly jackanapes, Alan Davies. 13 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:19,240 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:28,600 We have fantastically obscure and recondite J buzzers. 15 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:29,840 Bill goes... 16 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,480 STRING MUSIC 17 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:35,200 - That's a jarana. - Oh, it's jarana, yes. 18 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:36,920 It's a Mexican percussive... 19 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,720 Yes, you strum it. With a "Jheeurgh"... 20 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:41,760 Exactly. Victoria goes... 21 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:45,520 STRING MUSIC 22 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:49,720 That's a Finnish instrument called a jouhikko. 23 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,680 - And Jimmy goes... - I don't imagine I'll get this. 24 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,280 STRING MUSIC 25 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:56,920 Good. 26 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,120 LAUGHTER 27 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,800 Correct. Well, I think we both know. Tell them. 28 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,640 It's actually a Russian instrument. It's a jalalaika. 29 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:06,080 Finally, Alan goes... 30 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,280 BOING! 31 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:08,560 LAUGHTER 32 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:09,720 - Jewish harp. - It is. 33 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,600 It was originally called a jaws harp 34 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,920 because it's played in the mouth like that. 35 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,680 Anyway, to get you in the mood, 36 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:21,560 what do these unfamiliar J words mean? 37 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,880 - There are lots of them. - Janker. I've heard of jankers. 38 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:29,440 - That's an army thing, isn't it? - Yes. Jankers is an army punishment. 39 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,640 Cleaning latrines or peeling 10,000 spuds. 40 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,960 That's right, you're put on jankers. 41 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,280 It looks like lots of them are minced oaths. 42 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:39,640 What was that? A minced...? 43 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:42,640 A minced oath. Like saying "fudge" or "sugar". 44 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,400 Like a bowdlerised version of a swear word. 45 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,040 Like saying, "By... carbonate of soda." 46 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,400 Or, "Shut the front door!" 47 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,000 LAUGHTER 48 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:56,720 Or fu...crying out loud! 49 00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:01,720 - Have you ever said that? - What, fu-crying... - Fu-crying out loud? 50 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,640 It works very well. Or fu-Christ's sake. 51 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:08,320 For photographers that follow you. 52 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,840 "Why don't you just f...otograph someone else?" 53 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:13,920 LAUGHTER 54 00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:15,160 A jollop? 55 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:19,920 It's a juice, some sort of unguent. Some sort of... 56 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:22,480 A jollop is actually a turkey's wattle. 57 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,520 I'm going to say, "Bluff." 58 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:26,840 LAUGHTER 59 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,720 Sorry, is it the wrong game? 60 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,240 It's a good word, yeah. 61 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:35,240 - Or it can mean a strong liquor. - Jollop - a strong liquor? 62 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,720 - Don't. - I didn't say anything. 63 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,960 I didn't say anything. I was going to, but I didn't. 64 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:44,080 A jentacular, jentacular... 65 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:48,240 Is this what friends of Jennifer Aniston say how she looks before she goes out? 66 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,520 LAUGHTER 67 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:54,240 - No. It means, "pertaining to breakfast". - It does not. 68 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,720 BILL: Why? Why do you need that, though? 69 00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:00,160 - In your life? - Well, you have a lunchy word. It's a lunchy type of thing. 70 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:04,040 - It's a breakfasty type of thing. - What's a lunch word, then? 71 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:05,840 LAUGHTER 72 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:08,440 - So you would say toast is a bit jentacular? - Yeah. 73 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,720 This toast is jentacular! LAUGHTER 74 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,720 When has anyone ever said that, ever? 75 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,240 These are unusual words, I grant you. 76 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,000 It's like "pandiculate". It means, "to yawn". 77 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,440 - But you'd never use it in that sense. - No. 78 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,160 You'd just say "yawn", cos we've got the word "yawn". 79 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,360 - So we don't need to know that word, is what you're saying? - No. 80 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:30,880 So I need to forget that now 81 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:34,120 cos that's taken vital space I need for pin numbers, 82 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,320 really useful things, in my brain. 83 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,160 Not what I should say about breakfast. "Ooh, it's 11! 84 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:42,640 "Oh, I said jentacular! What an idiot!" 85 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,440 LAUGHTER 86 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,200 - Here to astonish you... - Go on. 87 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:50,440 One of these words on this board has 28 separate meanings. 88 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,640 I'm going to put those meanings up. Tell me which word it is. 89 00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,400 Back passage, vagina, penis. 90 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,640 - AUDIENCE: Jobbie! - Junt! 91 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,160 Jobbie, you think? 92 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:08,280 - Jigger. - We're getting a lot of jiggering from the audience. 93 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:12,200 - It must be jigger. - I'm with jigger. - Jigger is the right answer. 94 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,480 I'm going to share five points with Victoria 95 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:17,320 and five points with the audience. 96 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,880 CHEERING 97 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,120 The word jigger has all those definitions. 98 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,920 It's a measuring device - a jigger of rum. 99 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,920 A snooker rest, an odd-looking person, Bill. 100 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,080 Sorry, just an odd-looking person. A distillery. 101 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,720 LAUGHTER 102 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,600 Don't say vagina and point to me. 103 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,840 LAUGHTER 104 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,520 - Again. - Penis and... 105 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,240 LAUGHTER 106 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:49,480 ..woman's coat. That's a nice... thingummy. 107 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,760 People do complain that there aren't any good words for vagina. 108 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:55,040 There's no way of saying it that sounds nice. 109 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,400 Jigger is not the answer. 110 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:57,680 LAUGHTER 111 00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:59,800 I think twinkle cave. 112 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:01,160 LAUGHTER 113 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,400 Twinkle cave? 114 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,800 APPLAUSE 115 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,920 It's a less offensive term for a fu-fu. 116 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:16,600 So jigger is back passage, vagina, penis... 117 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,960 - Well, that's confusing right there. - Straight away. 118 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,720 "Just stick it in me jigger." "What?" 119 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:23,920 "You're going to have to be more specific, love." 120 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,800 "Do you mean jigger one or jigger two?" 121 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,840 It's also a golf club. So if you ask your caddy, "Do you think 122 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:32,640 "I should pull my jigger out for this shot? What do you think?" 123 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:33,920 Yeah, get your jigger out, 124 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:37,480 rest it on your jigger, stick it in my jigger, mind the jigger. 125 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,880 What about Ouija board? You're at a party. 126 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,640 "Let's all put our fingers together on your jigger." 127 00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:44,800 LAUGHTER 128 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:49,120 "It's moving. Is it doing that by itself or are we making it?" 129 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,360 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 130 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,040 Potter's wheel. 131 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,760 That's what they used to put on the TV when they ran out of programmes. 132 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:00,920 "Put the jigger on. NOT THAT ONE!" 133 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,640 LAUGHTER 134 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,400 Revolving. A revolving jigger. 135 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,560 Certain words do double duty. Certain words do triple duty. 136 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,280 Words like jigger seem to do multiple duty. 137 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,600 But what did Dr Johnson tie up with his padlock? 138 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:26,080 - Did he bury his cheese to stop it getting burnt in the fire? - You're confusing him with Samuel Pepys... 139 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:28,080 - Aw! - LAUGHTER 140 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:32,440 - ..who did indeed bury a Parmesan cheese in his garden in 1666... - They're very valuable. 141 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:36,040 ..which was 60 years before Johnson. 142 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:39,240 He's the guy that did the dictionary, right? 143 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,840 One of the many things he did. He wrote Rasselas. 144 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:45,920 He was one of the greatest literary figures of his age. 145 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,360 But he was physically... 146 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,240 I wouldn't say "disabled" exactly, 147 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:53,440 but he was victim of many of the diseases of the age. 148 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:57,560 - Gout? - Scrofula, gout, yeah. - They all had gout, didn't they? - Things like that. 149 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:01,400 - What is scrofula? - Scrofula used to be called "the king's evil". 150 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,880 - Ooh! - Inflammation of the jigger. 151 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,960 - LAUGHTER - That would more or less cover it! 152 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:12,120 Sorry. I'm a question late, but I'm suddenly thinking about those meanings of "jigger". 153 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,640 Do you think that's where "jiggery-pokery" comes from? 154 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,000 - Oh, my goodness! - It really might. 155 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,480 That's true...in both senses. You could poke... 156 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:22,640 I think you'll find it's more... 157 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,720 Oh, well, it could be, I suppose. Yeah. 158 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:32,280 It could, if you're having fun on the farm, be "piggery-jokery". Yes, there's a thought. 159 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:33,960 JIMMY LAUGHS 160 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,640 - LAUGHTER - But anyway... 161 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:40,160 Dr Johnson was half-blind and scarred by scrofula. 162 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:45,240 He also had the usual array of 18th-century maladies - palsy, dropsy, gout, flatulence. 163 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,160 He had massive white headphones. 164 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,440 LAUGHTER 165 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:54,560 And he suffered from OCD and probably from Tourette's syndrome. 166 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,480 The man that wrote the dictionary had Tourette's? 167 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,640 I've got to re-read that book. 168 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,200 He gestured wildly 169 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:06,040 and it seemed to be a tic. We would probably now call it Tourette's. 170 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:10,520 I think that's rather beautiful if somebody who suffered from Tourette's created the dictionary. 171 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:12,560 - It is. - Total verbal control. 172 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:16,160 How lovely if Johnson, 173 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:19,720 if he had that form of Tourette's where he couldn't control his spoken language, 174 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:23,800 - to make a dictionary. That's very poetic. - It would be, wouldn't it? 175 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:27,320 - He was prone to seizures and outbursts. - VICTORIA: Himself? 176 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:31,160 Yeah. He went to live with Mrs Hester Thrale in Streatham. 177 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,320 He was deeply in love with Mrs Thrale 178 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,320 and he basically said to her, 179 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,080 "I have a padlock and chain, 180 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,760 "and at any moment, when I seem to be out of control, 181 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:43,520 - "I'm now giving you permission in advance to chain me up." - Wow. 182 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,960 I know a woman in Streatham that will still do that. 183 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:51,120 - LAUGHTER - She's surprisingly reasonable. 184 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:55,040 Sadly, what happened was that Mr Thrale died 185 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,600 and instead of Hester Thrale marrying Johnson, 186 00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:01,440 she went off to Italy and married a very young, handsome Italian. 187 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:04,880 - Is that sad for her? It sounds like that's gone quite well. - No, sad for Johnson. 188 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:07,280 - Was he prone to just lash out? - To flail. 189 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:09,000 He was prone to flail. 190 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,880 So, Dr Johnson liked to be tied up and padlocked. 191 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:17,560 When I say he liked to be, I can quote you what Mrs Thrale said. 192 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:21,680 - This is quite surprising and advanced for its age. - Go on. - She said here, 193 00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:26,920 "Says Johnson, a woman has such power between the ages of 25 and 45 194 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:31,280 "that she may tie a man to a post and whip him if she will." 195 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,680 And added the footnote, 196 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:37,720 "This, he knew of himself, was literally and strictly true." 197 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,280 So he obviously did like to be whipped. 198 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:45,120 - Whilst tied up. - Yup, that's right. So, there we are. 199 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,960 But what's the one thing we can all agree 200 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,520 Hitler, Stalin and Franco got right 201 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:52,400 and Mussolini got wrong? 202 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,760 Mussolini surrendered. 203 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:59,720 Well, no, there's something the three moustachioed dictators 204 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,400 loathed and detested 205 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,520 but Mussolini rather liked. 206 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:05,880 - Erm... - Pasta. - Yes. 207 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,120 LAUGHTER 208 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:13,240 Say what you want about Simon Schama, 209 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,720 he'd never come up with that. 210 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,400 Let's stick with the letter J. 211 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,960 - Jackets with jeans, like Clarkson. - No. 212 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,160 Oh! Was it double denim? 213 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,840 That again doesn't begin with J. 214 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,720 - J, J, J, jizz... - The 20th century... 215 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,560 Yes! You're close. 216 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:31,080 I'm close? 217 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:34,560 20th century. You only got one vowel out. 218 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,520 - Jazz! - Jazz! Jazz music. 219 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,920 APPLAUSE 220 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:44,880 I disagree with this question. 221 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:48,560 Our very, very naughty people have suggested 222 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:52,720 that Hitler, Stalin and Franco were right for disliking jazz. 223 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,440 I personally love jazz. 224 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:57,520 So you're saying that Hitler didn't like jazz? 225 00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,200 Not just didn't like it. 226 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,760 - The more I hear about this guy, the less I like him. - I know. 227 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:06,600 I know. I agree. Jazz was, to the Germans, inimical. 228 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,240 They thought it was total evil. 229 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:13,000 - It was completely against everything they stood for. - But people, presumably, 230 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,680 did listen to it in great numbers. 231 00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:17,880 There's a bit of...yow! SNAPS FINGERS 232 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,440 A bit of that of an evening, and then as soon as the SS come round, 233 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:24,040 "Turn it off!" 234 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,680 But Mussolini, oddly enough, for all his faults - 235 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,920 and let's face it, they were many and grievous - 236 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:32,200 he listened to jazz in private. His son, Romano, 237 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,600 was one of post-war Italy's most celebrated jazz musicians. 238 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:39,160 He played with Dizzy Gillespie, Duke Ellington and Chet Baker. 239 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,040 You can't get much higher than that in the jazz world. 240 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:45,080 I know what they mean. Just Bill clicking his fingers there, 241 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:48,680 I felt the urge to do very bad things. 242 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:51,840 - You know... - I got the best seat this evening. 243 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,520 LAUGHTER 244 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,320 BILL CLICKS FINGERS 245 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:58,320 Is that how they would scare German machine gun outposts? 246 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,680 They'd just creep up and go, "Zoo-babiddy-bow! 247 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,680 "Bow-bow!" 248 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:07,040 They're firing regularly and you fire syncopatively. 249 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,120 Yeah. Boom-boom, boom-boom-boom! 250 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,640 But it's quite important. I read One For The Road, and also, 251 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,040 I spent a little bit of time in South Africa. 252 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:20,000 - Jazz clubs are very important, culturally... - Absolutely. In South Africa, huge. 253 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:25,600 Underground, illegal, likely to be shut down with disastrous consequences for all who take part, 254 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,520 but really quite important, so hard to imagine it 255 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,680 being that now. 256 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:35,760 But like rock and roll, it became a symbol of defiance. 257 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,920 - In Paris, it was hugely important. - Wasn't that Hitler's thing with comedy? 258 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:43,200 He didn't like Jewish comedy cos if you laugh with someone - presumably the same with music - 259 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,000 if you enjoy their music, you couldn't hate them. 260 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,800 What you're experiencing there is cognitive dissonance. 261 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:51,200 Cognitive dissonance is exactly right. 262 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,120 I think you'll find that's it. 263 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,360 Take the audience through cognitive dissonance. 264 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,760 Never mind them, take me through cognitive dissonance. 265 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,320 It's exactly what you described - 266 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,920 the ability to hold two opposing opinions at the same time. 267 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:07,040 They seem to contradict each other, but actually, humans can do that. 268 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,480 Here's cognitive dissonance. 269 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,960 Here I am on QI, like you see on the television. 270 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,760 It's quite nice, everyone seems nice, I'm having a nice time. 271 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:17,120 And yet, we've had the question, "What did Hitler get right?" 272 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:21,040 Which is exactly what my grandmother told me would happen if I went on television. 273 00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:22,960 LAUGHTER 274 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:27,400 Last night, I had an anxiety dream about coming on here. 275 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,120 I was so terrified of it. In the dream, I was sitting here. 276 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:31,760 I think I was on the other side. 277 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,680 - An you were asking the question very sternly. - No. - Yes. 278 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:40,000 The question was, "Why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs?" 279 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,640 LAUGHTER 280 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:46,600 I didn't know the answer. And I said, "Do they worship it?" 281 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,160 And the screens went, "Worship it! Worship it!" 282 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,560 LAUGHTER 283 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:52,880 Which was absolutely terrifying. 284 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:56,520 Stephen, ask the question. Let's make it happen. 285 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:01,680 I'm such an amateur, I didn't even Google the answer. 286 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:08,640 That's an amazing dream. That's very specific. It's not like... 287 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:12,240 I dream, "Oh, I went up to the shops and bought some milk and bread." 288 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:15,240 I wake up and go, "Where is it?" 289 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:21,160 I thought, "I'm sure I went up the shop and got it but... 290 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:25,160 "That's a crazy dream. Must have been that blue cheese I had last night." 291 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:26,440 But that's really... 292 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,440 Yeah, definately the blue cheese was the issue. 293 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,640 "Blue cheese." 294 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,520 Were you actually asleep? Or was this a sort of premonition? 295 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,320 - We'll find out. - Yes, we will. 296 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:43,680 - Can we just confirm, this is happening now? - Yes. 297 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:46,480 We're not in one of Vicky's dreams, cos that would be... 298 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:47,680 That'd be brilliant! 299 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,560 You could be the March Hare. I'll be the Aztecs... 300 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,880 - Bring it on. - Let's get some blue cheese. 301 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:55,720 LAUGHTER 302 00:15:55,720 --> 00:16:00,360 Well, Maxim Gorky, the great Russian writer, wrote this on the subject of jazz - 303 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:04,080 "The dry knock of an idiotic hammer penetrates the utter stillness. 304 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:07,680 "One, two, three, ten, 20 strikes, 305 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:12,560 "and afterwards, a wild whistling and squeaking, as if a ball of mud was falling into clear water. 306 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:15,480 "Then follows a rattling, howling and screaming, 307 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,560 "like the clamour of a metal pig, the cry of a donkey, 308 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,160 "or the amorous croaking of a monstrous frog. 309 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,480 "The offensive chaos of this insanity 310 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,920 "combines into a compulsive, pulsing rhythm. 311 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:30,120 "Listen to this screaming for only a few minutes, 312 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,680 "and one involuntarily pictures an orchestra 313 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,920 "of sexually wound-up mad men, 314 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,520 "conducted by a stallion-like creature 315 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:42,360 - "who is swinging his giant genitals." - LAUGHTER 316 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,800 I am now having an anxiety dream! 317 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,040 That's a description of Jedward, isn't it? 318 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,560 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 319 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:58,600 Well, anyway, that's probably enough jazz. Here are four J birds. 320 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,240 What immediately comes to mind when you look at them? 321 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:05,880 - Wings. - It's J I'm after. 322 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,360 There's something that allows you to recognise them 323 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,240 that a bird-spotter would call their... 324 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:12,320 - Jizz. - Yes! 325 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:15,800 - Yes. - You knew that? - I'm a twitterer, aren't I? - Yes! 326 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:19,560 APPLAUSE 327 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:23,800 Jizz is an acronym, not... 328 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,200 Don't think of where you might think it's going. 329 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,120 It's the General Impression, Size and Shape. 330 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:32,800 It came from being able to spot planes in the war. 331 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:37,480 You could spot the outline of planes from underneath. 332 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,160 It was a military term, Jizz, 333 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,440 - but birders use it, too. - Everything you say is believed by many 334 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:45,000 but unfortunately, there's no evidence for that. 335 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:49,520 So while you got the word absolutely right 336 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,200 and there are points pouring your way, 337 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,920 - the actual explanation is not proven. - So there'd be a book 338 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:58,200 I could look up the internet at home, "Jizz on birds," and that is fine. 339 00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,280 Yes. 340 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:00,840 LAUGHTER 341 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,320 Absolutely right. 342 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,840 I've got a lot of growing up to do, is all I know. 343 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,800 The pop etymology is that it might be "just is". 344 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,440 In other words, you can't say specifically 345 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:16,680 why that aeroplane is Spitfire or that bird is a siskin. It just is. 346 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,000 Or even "gist", the essence, the gist. 347 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,280 - Yeah. - But no-one's quite sure. 348 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,960 The other kind of jizz is a contraction of the word jism. 349 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:29,800 - What does that mean? - Jism, jisar, jisat, jisarum. 350 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,920 - I could tell you where it comes from. I could show you! - No! 351 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,560 LAUGHTER 352 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:35,960 You're not to do that. 353 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:39,280 - Again. - Too late? - Yes. 354 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:42,880 Jism has a meaning. Can you imagine what jism might mean? 355 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,760 It means spirit or energy. 356 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,040 - Yeah. "I withhold my jism. I deny them..." - You shouldn't do that. 357 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,480 Is that meant to encourage us? What's that doing? 358 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,000 LAUGHTER 359 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:57,200 - It's spiritual energy. - Oh, yeah, sure(!) 360 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,880 That looks like we're trying to sell some sort of massage CD. 361 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:04,600 - Here's a top jizz fact. - Go on. 362 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,640 Imagine one little sperm. 363 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,400 - A tiny-winey little sperm. - Got it. 364 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,280 They're very, very small. 365 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,760 You couldn't see it with the naked eye. 366 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:18,200 No bigger than an acorn. 367 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:22,840 You know about computers and memories and things. 368 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,720 They have information on them, 369 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:29,920 which is expressed in terms of bytes, kilobytes or megabytes. 370 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:34,600 How much information do you think is in the DNA of one little sperm? 371 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,280 I think it just says, "Swim." 372 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,120 - So - what, one bit? - One bit. 373 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:41,240 - One bit. - One bit of information - swim that way. 374 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:43,120 Either one bit or one trillion bits. 375 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:46,240 It's 37.5 megabytes. 376 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,840 Which means that a normal ejaculation... 377 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:52,160 - Talk about your hard drive. - ..represents... 378 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:53,560 LAUGHTER 379 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,200 Is this...just after you've logged off? 380 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:04,320 Just going to plug in my dongle, Bill. 381 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,640 How many more of these can we...? 382 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,800 - Before we go home. - As long as it's not a floppy. 383 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,360 You can still hold a lot in a floppy. 384 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,520 A normal male ejaculation, if there is such a thing... 385 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,320 I came here to talk about the Aztecs! 386 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,600 LAUGHTER 387 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:26,320 Will you accept my personal apology, Victoria? 388 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:31,280 ..is the equivalent of 15,875 gigabytes. 389 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,760 That's 15.8 terabytes. 390 00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:39,800 That's about 7,500 laptops' worth of information in one ejaculation. 391 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,720 It's gone to waste, just thrown away. 392 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,000 LAUGHTER 393 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,120 - Well, not necessarily. - Down the end of a sock. 394 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:48,840 LAUGHTER 395 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,360 - Stop it. - What? He started it. 396 00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:54,240 LAUGHTER 397 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,720 Yes, jizz, as you knew as a bird-spotter, 398 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:01,280 is that indefinable something, the shape, the gait, the outline 399 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,080 that allows you to identify a bird. But we have 400 00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:05,520 the four birds we showed you. 401 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:09,320 - I thought you were going to say, "We have some jizz." - No! 402 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,360 "We have some birds you can identify here by their jizz." 403 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:14,440 - We literally do. - Oh, look. 404 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:17,880 Yep. They all begin with J, that's your clue. 405 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:22,080 - I'm going to say that's a jayhawk. - That's not a hawk, is it? Look at it. 406 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:27,240 - What are you saying?! - That, swooping down and picking up a rabbit?! 407 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:31,960 Look, that's it to scale, Bill. That's the size of it. 408 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,400 Oh, right. Oh, it's a long way off. 409 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,320 - It's massive! - Have you seen a hawk's beak and eye? 410 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,400 A hawk's... Yes! It's not the common hawk. 411 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,000 It's a raptor. That's not a raptor, 412 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,120 that's a flipping flycatcher or something. 413 00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:46,080 - You are very good, it's a flycatcher. - It's a flycatcher, 414 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,240 - there you go. - He's good, he's good. 415 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,720 Yeah, don't mess with the jizzmeister. 416 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,400 Hey, I was second on that. 417 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:55,760 - No, you weren't, you weren't even close. - I came second. - A hawk? 418 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:57,440 You just mentioned a type of bird, 419 00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:01,360 - that's not coming second. - Stick up the next one. I'll get it. - In medieval times, 420 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,600 did they go out with one of them on a gauntlet? "Fly!" 421 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:07,480 - That is called a blacktail. - "Bring me a fly!" 422 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:12,400 Shh! Just to finish it, that was a flycatcher, it was a Juan Fernandez tit-tyrant. 423 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:15,240 LAUGHTER 424 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:18,160 - A crested... - Oh, God, here we go again. 425 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,120 - Wait a minute. - Oh, tit-tyrant, oh... 426 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:25,960 "A Juan Fernandez tit-tyrant." 427 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:30,280 A crested, spotty-chested member of the tyrant flycatcher... 428 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:31,720 A spotty-chested member? 429 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,760 There are points for knowing where the Juan Fernandez Islands are. 430 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:39,680 SPLUTTERS: Breast Cock Lane? 431 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:42,880 That's the spirit! 432 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,640 APPLAUSE 433 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,320 Now you're getting it. 434 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,000 You are getting into it very much. 435 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:53,640 - The Juan Fernandez Islands? - Somewhere in South America. - Chile. 436 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,480 - Chile. - Fair enough, OK. The next bird, this black one here. 437 00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:01,040 It's some sort of... What is that, a bird of para...? No. 438 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:02,800 It's got massive green...feet. 439 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:04,800 It's a weaver bird, in fact. 440 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,920 If I tell you it's a weaver bird, 441 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,920 - you'll probably know it comes from...? - Yorkshire. 442 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,400 LAUGHTER 443 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,720 Yeah. 444 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,960 - It's Jackson's widowbird. - Jackson's widowbird? - The next one. 445 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:23,240 - At least name the type of bird that it is. - Jabiru, it's a stork. 446 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:27,000 - And it is a jabiru, correct answer. - Yes, of course. - Very good. 447 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,520 APPLAUSE 448 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:31,120 This man is good. 449 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:32,760 That is a jabiru, it's a stork, 450 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,720 and it can be five foot tall with a nine-foot wingspan. 451 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:39,480 It's a hell of a stork. Well spotted. This man is impressive. 452 00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:41,560 - Oh, thank you. - OK, and the last one. 453 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,480 Oh, it's very punk rock, it's from... 454 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,520 I would say it's from the '70s. 455 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,280 JEW'S HARP PLAYS 456 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:50,480 Jedward. 457 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 458 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,040 We'll allow you that. 459 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,080 I think he could be called the Jedward bird from now on, 460 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:00,720 it does have another J word. 461 00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:03,960 - Do you know what type of bird that is, Bill? - It's, erm... 462 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:08,320 - Hawk. It's a hawk! - Look at the size of its beak! 463 00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,840 - How can it pick up a rabbit? - Those are oranges! 464 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:12,800 - It's actually a waxwing. - It's a waxwing. 465 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:16,640 - It's a Japanese waxwing. - Oh, it's a Japanese one! - Japanese waxwing, 466 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:20,200 found in Japan, China and Eastern Russia. Very good. OK. 467 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,920 What did Watson do twice as often as Holmes? 468 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:25,520 Oh, I don't want to say now. 469 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,440 - I guess he had more time on his hands. - Stick with it. 470 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,040 What did he do twice...? 471 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:32,960 Oh, I do know. It's, er... 472 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:34,800 it's, er...ejaculate. 473 00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:37,240 Ejaculate is the right answer! 474 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:38,840 APPLAUSE 475 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,480 This is the one thing I know about Sherlock Homes 476 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:46,680 because it's in the book. It's an old term meaning to... 477 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,960 To exclaim, expostulate. 478 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:53,360 He constantly... "'But, Holmes!' I ejaculated," you get a lot. 479 00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:56,440 - I mean, the books are brilliant anyway. - They are. 480 00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:59,200 But every 20 pages, that happens and you go... 481 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,080 SNIGGERS 482 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:06,680 Yes, there are 23 ejaculations in the canon, as it's known. 483 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:08,960 - They call it the canon? - Christ! 484 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:12,120 The canon is the... 485 00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:14,680 - And one up the spout. - Oh, Christ. 486 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:17,800 As in the word "canonical". 487 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,760 - I give to you the canon. - Yeah. - Stand back! 488 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:26,680 There's approximately 23 ejaculations. 489 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:30,400 48 terabytes of information are coming your way. 490 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:34,040 - Stand by! - You're a very lucky lady. 491 00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:40,480 - Watson ejaculates 11 times. - Christ on a bike! 492 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:45,040 Holmes, on one occasion, refers to Watson's ejaculations of wonder 493 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,280 being invaluable to his art. 494 00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:51,360 Watson does ejaculate from his very heart 495 00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:54,520 in the direction of his fiancee. Holmes gives six, 496 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:57,880 but there is one where it's quite hard to tell who it is. So... 497 00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:01,240 - That can happen, Stephen, yeah. - Who's ejaculating here? 498 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,480 Let's just, let's just...imagine. 499 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:07,520 "So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat, 500 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:10,080 "when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up." 501 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:11,960 LAUGHTER 502 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:16,120 - "I found..." - Have you ever been woken up by a sudden ejaculation? 503 00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:19,520 - Stop! - We've talked enough about your dreams. 504 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:23,000 There's a fellow called Phelps in the wonderful story The Naval Treaty. 505 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,320 He ejaculates three times, actually. 506 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:28,680 The only other ejaculator is Mrs Sinclair's husband, 507 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:33,120 who ejaculates from a second-floor window. 508 00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:34,840 LAUGHTER 509 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:39,000 This is the most fun I've ever had on this show. 510 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,880 The funny thing is, it probably would be... 511 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,520 - I'm not joining in with this, by the way. - Quite right. 512 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,520 This is genuinely a point about Sherlock Holmes. 513 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:52,880 He probably did ejaculate fewer times than Watson, in the other sense as well. 514 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:55,880 - Obviously, they didn't exist. They're invented. - He wasn't married. 515 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:59,800 - But doesn't he seem like he's constantly taking it out on the violin? - Yes. 516 00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:01,880 And the injections of cocaine. 517 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:05,000 - Drugs don't help, do they? - Some of them do. 518 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:06,960 LAUGHTER Apparently. 519 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:09,840 - The old blue cheese. - The "blue cheese". 520 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:11,440 LAUGHTER 521 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,720 So, now, 522 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:16,800 whose speech intones, harangues and declaims 523 00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:22,160 in a long, meandering cascade of sounds, syllables, stresses and intonations 524 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:25,000 that might at first seem to be full of sense and meaning, 525 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:28,240 but soon reveal itself to be an empty, vain, hollow, 526 00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:31,480 - and completely meaningless stream of gibberish? - JALALAIKA PLAYS 527 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:35,200 - You. - LAUGHTER, BELL RINGS 528 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:39,040 APPLAUSE 529 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:45,840 - Yeah. - So, it's a stream of gibberish that sounds intelligent? 530 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:49,320 This is a technical term, used by people who study such things, 531 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:52,600 to describe a stage of speech. 532 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:55,240 - BILL: Tongues? Speaking in tongues? - Like a baby. 533 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:59,200 - VICTORIA: A juvenile? - Toddlers, babies, you're in the right area. 534 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:02,480 - There are phases... - AUDIENCE: Aw! 535 00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:05,960 - Aw, bless! - Did they really need to add the little kittens there? 536 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,040 Was it not cute enough? 537 00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:12,320 - I know. It's so sweet, isn't it? - Look at the little babies! 538 00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:17,160 It's known as "jargon", oddly enough. It's known as "toddler jargon", 539 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,720 where the rhythms and the intonations 540 00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:22,960 are like the language that is going to become the one they speak. 541 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:27,760 If they're Japanese, it will sound like Japanese, but not actually be Japanese. If they're Welsh, 542 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:31,120 or German, or Peruvian, it will sound like their language. 543 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:35,800 - So they get the structure, the syntax, before...? - Yeah, so it'll go like... 544 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,440 STEPHEN IMITATES A BABY 545 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:43,440 AS A BABY: I told you he would come along and ruin our life! 546 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:48,720 - So basically small children are like Snoopy's teacher? - Yes! That's right. Long strings of syllables, 547 00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:51,320 having varied stress and intonation in the same rhythm 548 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:53,960 and rise and fall, the same cadences as English speech. 549 00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:55,960 They sound like whole sentences, 550 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:59,120 but don't actually mean anything at all. 551 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:02,800 - Like Eamonn Holmes. - LAUGHTER 552 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,240 Don't all kids get it at the same age as well? 553 00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:08,320 Yes, more or less. That's the extraordinary thing. 554 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:12,640 That's what Noam Chomsky discovered, the great linguist, was that language was pre-programmed. 555 00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:15,520 If you're going to have a baby, you can go to a website, 556 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,560 and put your due date in, 557 00:29:18,560 --> 00:29:24,000 and then they will send you emails weekly telling you what the development of the foetus is, 558 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:27,440 and then after you have the baby, they will then send you emails weekly saying, 559 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:30,240 - "This is what your baby will be doing." - Good Lord! 560 00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:33,320 There are phases where it will be blowing spit bubbles, 561 00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:36,280 and it's astonishing. Every week, it's right. 562 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:39,680 But wouldn't it be disturbing if your baby was either ahead 563 00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:41,960 or behind? Would you not be freaked out? 564 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:43,880 Yes, you would be. 565 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:47,480 It's in the early weeks, the early first three or four months, 566 00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:52,840 all the little developmental stages are the same for all infants. It's really, really interesting. 567 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:57,000 - Learning to point, things like that. - Oh, it's miraculous. It is a phenomenal thing, 568 00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,200 the growth of a child, 569 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:02,920 and as you say, the stages of inbuilt, programmed development of language 570 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:07,120 and gesture, which seems to be predictable, as you say. 571 00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:10,080 And between that 12 and 13 months, you get that babble. 572 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:13,560 Anyway, who first used the expression, "OMG?" 573 00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:17,160 - Was it Hannah Montana? - It wasn't Hannah Montana. - That was my guess. 574 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:19,760 - It was a good guess, a reasonable guess. - I'm guessing 575 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:23,160 - that in the past, it's meant something else. - No, as "Oh, my God." 576 00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:25,680 - "Oh, my God..." - Jesus. - Not J...! 577 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:30,040 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 578 00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:34,200 No, this is genuinely a use of OMG in a communication. 579 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,720 Is it going to be on a Morse Code...? 580 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:39,960 No, though funnily enough, you're in the right area. 581 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:41,600 - Military? - Kissinger? 582 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,880 Not military, naval. It was two of the great naval figures 583 00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:46,240 of the First World War. 584 00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:49,960 - Who was the First Lord of the Admiralty during the...? - Oh! 585 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:52,560 - Erm, I have no idea. - Churchill. - Winston Churchill. 586 00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:57,720 But the great Lord Fisher, in 1917, wrote a letter to Winston Churchill 587 00:30:57,720 --> 00:31:01,000 saying, "I hear that a new order of knighthoods is on the tapis", 588 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:02,160 meaning "on the carpet". 589 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:05,280 "OMG, shower it on the Admiralty." 590 00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:08,560 - Hmm! - So there you are - "Oh, my God." 591 00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:12,760 - What year was that, sorry? - 1917. - OMG. - Yeah, OMG. 592 00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,960 - That's a really good fact. - That's a good fact, isn't it? 593 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:17,720 Can we be certain he meant, "Oh, my God"? 594 00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:20,640 Yes, definitely, he put, "Oh, my God" in brackets afterwards. 595 00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:22,440 He wrote, "OMG, brackets, Oh, my God." 596 00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:25,080 That rather ruined the point of abbreviating it to save time! 597 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:27,440 As he was the first user, I guess he had to explain it. 598 00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:32,760 "OMG, by which I mean, of course, the longer expression 'Oh, my God'." 599 00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:36,040 Eric Partridge's Dictionary of Abbreviations in 1942 600 00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:40,440 contained dozens of SMS-friendly examples such as "agn" for again, 601 00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:42,640 "mth" for month and "gd" for good. 602 00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:44,320 So they pre-existed. 603 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:48,040 But I heard someone vocalise "lol". I actually heard... 604 00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,600 Someone said "lol" as opposed to laugh. 605 00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:53,080 It was two kids in the street, I told them a joke 606 00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:54,800 and she went "lol", like that. 607 00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:58,600 - Rather than laugh? - Rather than laugh. 608 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:02,600 - That's just some horrible post-Orwellian nightmare. - It is. 609 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:06,120 How amazing is that going to be at stand-up gigs? If people just... 610 00:32:06,120 --> 00:32:08,360 An audience starts going "lol"? 611 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:11,040 Let's just try it. 612 00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:15,600 After three, just say the word "lol" with as little expression as you can. 613 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:17,280 Here we go. One, two, three. 614 00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:19,480 AUDIENCE: Lol. 615 00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:23,120 Tim Minchin has actually suggested 616 00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:26,760 that because people don't laugh out loud when they say "lol", 617 00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:30,680 he suggests "MAS - mildly amused smirk." 618 00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:32,600 Which could be quite good, 619 00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:36,040 - because that's what happens. - Or "NELI" is another one you could have. 620 00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:38,800 N-E-L-I, "Not even laughing inwardly." 621 00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:42,080 But you'll be impressed to know 622 00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:46,920 that in 1659 is the first use of "to unfriend." 623 00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:49,640 Which we thought was a modern Facebook phrase. 624 00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:52,320 But "to unfriend" was used by Thomas Fuller, 625 00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:54,320 who wrote to theologist John Heylyn, 626 00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:57,000 "I hope, sir, that we are not mutually unfriended 627 00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:59,920 "by this difference which hath happened betwixt us." 628 00:32:59,920 --> 00:33:02,720 Yes, and then I believe his friend wrote back 629 00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:05,400 - that he "liked" that message. - Yes, exactly. 630 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:08,160 Anyway, where do Arabic numbers come from? 631 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:10,360 Ooh. 632 00:33:10,360 --> 00:33:12,920 I...don't know. 633 00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:17,320 Interesting fact, though, the oasis is about 110 miles that way. 634 00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:19,600 No, that's the chart position. In... 635 00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:22,320 LAUGHTER 636 00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:27,160 ..in the Yemen. 637 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:30,440 - They're not as big there, are they? - Nah, they don't like it. 638 00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:33,880 - What do we mean by Arabic numbers? - We mean the ones we use, don't we? 639 00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:38,360 I presume you mean how people who speak or write Arabic write numbers. 640 00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:40,920 - No, we call our numbers Arabic numbers. - Do we? 641 00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:42,360 I thought our numbers... OK. 642 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:46,680 Roman alphabet and Arabic numerals. 643 00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:48,880 And Gregorian...chanting. 644 00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:52,160 And French...pastries. 645 00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:56,600 - Come on, you must know this. - Danish pastries, German mustard... 646 00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:57,720 Is it Persia? 647 00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,800 - No, it's not Persia. - It's not going to be in Arabia, is it? 648 00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:04,480 - It's not Arabia. - It's just outside Arabia. Arabia Parkway. 649 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:09,560 It's actually Hindu. In Arabic, they call them Hindu numbers. 650 00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:11,960 In fact, in Arabic numbers, we have very little in common. 651 00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:15,800 You can see a car number plate here and you'll see that on the left 652 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:17,280 is 29-5994 653 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:23,160 and on the right, that is the Arabic for 29-5994. 654 00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:26,240 And as you see, it's only the 9 that is actually the same. 655 00:34:26,240 --> 00:34:29,120 - So they're not Arabic numbers at all. - No, we tend to call them that. 656 00:34:29,120 --> 00:34:31,640 We should start... Let's call them Hindu numbers. 657 00:34:31,640 --> 00:34:34,040 We should call them Hindu numbers, exactly right. 658 00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:35,880 Or we could call them "numbers". 659 00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:38,560 Yeah, but what's the fun in that? 660 00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:42,360 Yeah, quite. I want you to tell me, because it's quite interesting, 661 00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:44,120 and that's the name of the game, 662 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:46,400 which is the only number in the English language 663 00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:48,880 which, when written out, is in alphabetical order? 664 00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:52,000 Erm...eight. 665 00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:55,880 - No. - OK, well, seven. - 43. 666 00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:58,120 Eight is good, but I comes after G. 667 00:34:58,120 --> 00:34:59,840 OK, I'm going to have to guess, 668 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:02,880 - because there's not enough time and I'm dyslexic. - One. Two. 669 00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:05,360 - Two. - No. - Three. 670 00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:07,360 O comes before T. 671 00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:09,760 So they have to be in alphabetical order. 672 00:35:09,760 --> 00:35:12,520 - Oh, I see. Ohh. - Forty. 673 00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:13,800 Yes! Well done. 674 00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:17,000 APPLAUSE 675 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:18,360 Very good. 676 00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:21,160 Were you going through all the numbers? 677 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:25,120 I bet I was going through all the numbers at the same time you were. 678 00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:27,560 - 40 is the one. - Alan was on three when you got there. 679 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:31,400 You three were all talking and we're sitting going, 680 00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:34,280 MUTTERING: "No, not that one, no..." 681 00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:37,800 All right. What's the most difficult word to guess in hangman? 682 00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:42,480 Whatever you've got written there, I can tell you it's "cull". 683 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:45,200 - Cull? - It doesn't matter what you've got written. C-U-L-L. 684 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:48,960 In the number of letters you get in hangman, nobody ever says C or L. 685 00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:51,800 They'll go for U when they've gone through the other vowels. 686 00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:55,560 Then they've got blank U blank blank, and one turn left. 687 00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:59,520 - That's really good. - If you're going to play hangman and you want to have a bet on it... 688 00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:02,160 - OK. Have you played hangman for money? - Yes. 689 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,480 Who plays hangman for money?! 690 00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:07,000 Victoria Coren, she bets on anything. 691 00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:11,920 I was about to say, "I've done everything for money," but I know what you'd do with that. 692 00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:13,920 I really appreciate it! 693 00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:18,160 So, "cull". I think it might be something without any vowels. 694 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:21,760 No! Because they go through the vowels and if it's not there, 695 00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:27,120 - "Oh, no vowels. Must be 'rhythm'. " - Yes, but this is a four-letter word. 696 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:30,480 So it might be "lynx" or "onyx" in that case. 697 00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:34,720 There is someone who's been very scientific about this, which you'd appreciate as a games player. 698 00:36:34,720 --> 00:36:37,880 This person designed an algorithm to arrive at this conclusion, 699 00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:44,280 and he basically simulated 50 hangman games for every word in the dictionary. 700 00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:47,560 That's 90,000 words. Nearly five million games. 701 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:50,280 He then took the thousand trickiest words, 702 00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:52,480 and ran the game 3,000 times on each. 703 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:55,360 In total, he played nearly 15 million games 704 00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:57,520 to reach the conclusion 705 00:36:57,520 --> 00:37:01,080 that, actually, the hardest is the word "jazz". 706 00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:04,640 - What? - People just don't get the word "jazz". - Really? 707 00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:09,560 - Or possibly "jizz", but no-one knows if he tried "jizz". - They never guess Z. 708 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:13,400 The other words were "hajj", H-A-J-J, which is a difficult one, 709 00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:15,360 "jazz", "lynx", apparently. 710 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:17,880 "Buzz" was also difficult, and "fuzz" 711 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:21,200 because people just choose Z as the last resort. 712 00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:23,240 Fine. Next time we're out in a bar, 713 00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:26,320 you play "jazz", I'll play "cull", we'll see who wins. 714 00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:30,000 You've got it. OK. But you've rather given away your strategy. 715 00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:32,040 - LAUGHTER - Anyway, 716 00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:35,400 why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs? 717 00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:39,680 No! APPLAUSE 718 00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:43,120 You see? 719 00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:45,880 The thing is, Victoria, 720 00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:48,800 whatever you dreamt was the answer IS the right answer. 721 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:53,280 Yeah, but I know the answer isn't, "Did they worship it?" because... 722 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:55,760 BELL RINGS 723 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:03,160 I think you'll find I said that's NOT the answer. 724 00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:05,400 What the answer actually is, I don't know. 725 00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:09,120 Why is a raven like a writing desk? It's that sort of question. 726 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,920 - It is. - Maybe for years people will now debate this. 727 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:14,160 50 years from now, people will be asking, 728 00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:16,920 "Why was the March Hare important to the Aztecs?" 729 00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:21,000 There is a kind of answer that maybe your subconscious somehow knew. 730 00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:23,280 They worshipped rabbits, not hares. 731 00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:29,000 So some part of your brain knew that Aztecs worshipped rabbits. 732 00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:31,720 - They honestly...? Aztecs worshipped rabbits? - It's true. 733 00:38:31,720 --> 00:38:34,200 I swear to you I didn't know that. 734 00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:37,560 I swear, and I think they're going to believe me. 735 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:39,120 I'll go even further than this. 736 00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:41,080 There are many people who believe 737 00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:44,760 that the rabbits that the Aztecs worshipped were jackrabbits, 738 00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:48,200 which are, in fact, technically a type of hare. 739 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:52,560 - And a J word, which makes it even better. - And a J word. - This is spooky! 740 00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:54,320 So, Victoria Coren... 741 00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:55,600 Burn the witch! 742 00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:58,480 APPLAUSE 743 00:38:58,480 --> 00:39:00,320 Witch! 744 00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:05,120 - Absolutely spooky. - You didn't see that one coming, 745 00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:07,040 and yet you did. 746 00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:09,520 I dreamt a thing that I didn't think I knew 747 00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:12,800 - that you say is nearly a fact beginning with J? - Yeah. 748 00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:17,920 - This world is far more mysterious than we give it credit for. - Isn't it just? 749 00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:20,760 Anyway, now we come to our exciting jolly jape. 750 00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:25,160 I have a jigger device. Alan, you're going to have to help me with this. 751 00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:28,280 This is a device for fishing 752 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:31,920 in the Inuit world of the Arctic, 753 00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:34,320 where, as you know, you think of ice fishing - 754 00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:37,160 they pop a hole in the ice and they sit forlornly 755 00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:40,280 with a little fishing rod, hoping for a fish. But a better way 756 00:39:40,280 --> 00:39:43,680 would be to have a net, but how can you put a net through thick ice? 757 00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:46,040 They've developed an extraordinary machine. 758 00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:49,480 Now, you have to use your imagination here. 759 00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:51,480 I've got this carpet, which I'm going to unroll. 760 00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:56,400 And here I have my device. Now, Alan, 761 00:39:56,400 --> 00:39:58,880 you're the one who's going to have to operate it. 762 00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:02,000 There, you've got the string. Now, 763 00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:03,840 this is actually used by the Inuits 764 00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:07,680 to connect two holes, distantly from each other, 765 00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:10,440 in such a way that they can thread between them 766 00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:14,280 and therefore lay a net down and catch lots of fish under ice. 767 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:16,760 That's it! Yeah. 768 00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:20,040 You're pushing with the string, but imagine this is upside-down. 769 00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:23,360 - This is the bottom of the ice. - Oh, yeah. 770 00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:25,200 So we're upside-down here. 771 00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:27,520 - Oh, wow! Now I feel weird. - Oh, whoa! 772 00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:29,760 - I can't breathe! - Yeah. 773 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:32,360 Be bolder, be bolder. 774 00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:35,840 I'm not getting any purchase on the rug. 775 00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:38,480 That is what all the girls say. 776 00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:40,720 BILL: Ah, I see. 777 00:40:40,720 --> 00:40:43,480 - It's a really... - Now I'm getting a bit of grip. 778 00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:45,280 - Oh, yes. - Look at that! 779 00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:50,320 - Look at me go now! - You might want to watch it really as it works. 780 00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:52,480 There's the real thing. 781 00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:54,960 There's an Inuit. 782 00:40:57,560 --> 00:41:00,800 The point is, it goes under the water. 783 00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:04,240 - He licks there, so he can see it through the ice. - Eugh! 784 00:41:04,240 --> 00:41:08,440 And he digs it and it is underneath. 785 00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:12,360 By pulling it... There we go. 786 00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:14,920 Ooh, aah, eeh, aah! 787 00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:16,480 - BILL: Yes? - You see? 788 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:18,720 - Now, have a look this way. - There we go. 789 00:41:18,720 --> 00:41:21,000 This is it under the ice. 790 00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:24,360 - How does it not sink? - Exactly. How does it not just plummet? 791 00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:26,000 It's wood so it floats. 792 00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:29,320 - Oh, I see. - How does his tongue not stick to the ice? 793 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,000 - LAUGHTER - Like in Dumb And Dumber - 794 00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:35,960 - how is he not just going... - MUMBLED: - "This was a terrible idea"? 795 00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:38,280 When it gets to the other end, he pulls up the rope, 796 00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:41,000 from which he can then hang the net which catches the fish. 797 00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:44,600 - Brilliant. - When you think about it, there's no other way you could do that. 798 00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:48,720 You couldn't just put a hole in the ice. How do you get the string to the other hole? 799 00:41:48,720 --> 00:41:50,760 BILL: Devilishly clever, though. 800 00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:54,040 When did they invent this? Is this a recent thing? 801 00:41:54,040 --> 00:41:56,120 - About 100 years ago. - Wow! 802 00:41:56,120 --> 00:42:01,640 Anyway, that, ladies and gentlemen, is the Inuit fish jigger. 803 00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:04,520 APPLAUSE 804 00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:07,400 I'm going to pop it away. 805 00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:11,440 Which brings us to the scores! 806 00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:14,800 I don't know whether to do this backwards or forwards. 807 00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:18,320 I'll go backwards, actually, with our last place. It's noble 808 00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,920 but it's -22. Jimmy Carr! 809 00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:23,320 APPLAUSE 810 00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:27,040 I took a few for the team! I took a couple for the team. 811 00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:30,080 But I'm always happy to see, 812 00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:34,720 in somewhere as high as third place, Alan Davies with -6! 813 00:42:34,720 --> 00:42:36,320 Thank you very much. 814 00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:38,560 APPLAUSE 815 00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:43,920 And this is astonishing. With +10, Bill Bailey. 816 00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:46,760 I never get +10. 817 00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:49,800 - Really? Really? - No. 818 00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:51,440 APPLAUSE 819 00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:55,080 And the mad woman who dreams of Aztecs and hares, 820 00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:57,280 Victoria Coren on +13! 821 00:42:57,280 --> 00:42:59,760 APPLAUSE 822 00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:09,400 Well, that's all from Victoria, Jimmy, Bill, Alan and me. 823 00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:13,040 Be gloriously good to each other, thank you and goodnight.