1 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:39,680 Hello! 3 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,240 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:49,160 and welcome to QI, where tonight our topic is Journeys. 5 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:52,120 And let's see who's in the arrivals hall today. 6 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:55,400 All the way up from Down Under, it's Cal Wilson. 7 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,000 Hello! 9 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,800 The only way here is from Essex - Phill Jupitus. 10 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:13,720 And...from Port Talbot Parkway, stopping at Pyle, Bridgend, Pencoed, 12 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:18,120 Llanharan, Pontyclun, Ninian Park and Cardiff Central - 13 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,520 Rob Brydon. 14 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:22,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:29,320 And bearing the label, "Not Wanted On Voyage," Alan Davies. 16 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:32,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 17 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:39,720 And they all have little buzzer noises and Cal goes... 18 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:41,800 PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT CHIMES 19 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:42,840 And Rob goes... 20 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,320 STEAM TRAIN WHISTLES 21 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:46,360 Phill goes... 22 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:48,120 FOGHORN BLARES 23 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:51,160 - Which you do, in fact, don't you? - I do. 24 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,280 - LAUGHTER - And Alan goes... 25 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,400 HORN HONKS 26 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,040 That's your chosen mode of transport. 27 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:58,280 We've travelled a lot, Alan, 28 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,120 and one of the places we travelled to a few months ago was Australia, 29 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,720 and that's where we found Cal, 30 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,800 who is New Zealand's perhaps greatest stand-up comedian 31 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,800 - and works mostly in Melbourne now, don't you? - Yes, I do, I do. 32 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,440 - I've got the Antipodes covered! - Yeah! 33 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,120 But we liked you so much we smuggled you in our luggage 34 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,640 - and we brought you back here, so, welcome. - Thank you. 35 00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:18,760 I make a better souvenir than an interesting key ring, I suppose. 36 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,200 Exactly, exactly! 37 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,480 - I did want a koala but... - A stuffed koala? 38 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,560 - Not on, apparently. - No. 39 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:28,400 The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single question - 40 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:31,440 where the hell did I leave my passport? 41 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,720 I lost mine on a plane once and it had gone down, 42 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,080 - under the cushion of my seat. - Oh! 43 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:37,880 - Oh, yeah. - The actual plane seat. 44 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:41,360 - Yeah. - I was on the plane for a... I refused to get off the plane. 45 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:46,720 - Yeah, you have to get your seat disassembled. I've had that. - Eventually, I found it. 46 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,160 That's the end of the story. 47 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,480 LAUGHTER 48 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,800 Oh, that's a beautiful story! That is... 49 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,440 That is a lovely, lovely story. 50 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,280 Stephen, is that Alan Davies or is it...? 51 00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,440 Hang on, is it Peter Ustinov?! LAUGHTER 52 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,000 That was a hell of an anecdote! 53 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,080 If that is the level of the bar this evening, I may go home. 54 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:07,280 LAUGHTER 55 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:10,440 Is it you? Specifically you? Where did YOU leave YOUR passport? 56 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,520 No, it's technique. 57 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:14,640 The University of Wisconsin, when you lose something, 58 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:18,240 it actually helps to say the name of the thing that you've lost, 59 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,560 or you are looking for. 60 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:20,920 - Dignity. - Yes! 61 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,280 - LAUGHTER - Very good. 62 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,400 APPLAUSE 63 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:26,600 - Brilliant! - You see? 64 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,600 - Exactly. - For me, that would make it worse. 65 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,920 - That would just draw attention to it. - Your wallet has a name?! 66 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,280 Well, no... 67 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,320 "Peregrine!" 68 00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:39,600 - LAUGHTER - "PEREGRINE! Baaa!" 69 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,680 "Peregrine!" 70 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,280 - LAUGHTER - That's how... 71 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,200 - It might work! - It has now! 72 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,120 From now on it will be called Peregrine. 73 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:56,080 But anyway, that's not the point, the point is, for example, 74 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:59,440 you open a cutlery drawer and where the hell's the garlic peeler, or whatever? 75 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:03,920 - If you just say garlic peeler. - Yes, the garlic peeler. Again... 76 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:06,800 - "Andrew! "Andrew!" - LAUGHTER 77 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:11,280 You're missing my point about names, here. 78 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,760 I just mean the word we give the thing. 79 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:19,320 Its normal description, as found in a dictionary. 80 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,160 Not from the list of given names. 81 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,600 It isn't Julian the cheese grater. 82 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,080 LAUGHTER 83 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,240 It isn't Barbara the corkscrew. 84 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:31,600 It'd put a different complexion on Marlon Brando yelling "Stella!" 85 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,200 when it was just a pair of glasses he was after. 86 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,560 - He lost his wallet! - His sunglasses are called Stella. Exactly. 87 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,920 So, what did you do? You have to say, 88 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:42,720 - "Wallet, wallet, wallet"? - "Keys, keys, keys, keys, 89 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,040 - "keys, keys." - Yeah, exactly. 90 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,840 So, you say, sort of, you know, "bottle opener, bottle opener." 91 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,040 You've got more chance of seeing it, you're look... 92 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,480 - "Money, money, money..." - LAUGHTER 93 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,120 - You know that phrase... - "GOLD, GOLD!" 94 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,080 - LAUGHTER - You know that phrase, "It was just staring me in the face," 95 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:57,560 and you somehow couldn't see it? 96 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,640 The act of speaking does something in your brain 97 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,120 that actually allows your eyes to see it more clearly. 98 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,640 - That's been demonstrated. - Reminds me of that phrase, 99 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,520 "Couldn't see the wood for the trees," 100 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,280 - have you ever come across that phrase before? - I have, I have. 101 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:13,360 - I never used to understand it. - What it basically means is 102 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,240 you're looking at... Wait. 103 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:20,360 - LAUGHTER You're looking for wood. - Yes, yes. 104 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,760 - Not in the way you might! - No, not in that sense! - LAUGHTER 105 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:26,600 - You're looking, you're looking for wood... - Yeah. 106 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,600 - ..and you're looking at trees. - Yes. 107 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,680 So, you are, in essence, looking at wood. 108 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:35,680 - They are wood, aren't they? - But you're s... I've got it, Alan. LAUGHTER 109 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:40,120 But you're seeing trees so you can't see the wood for the trees 110 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:43,800 and, I think, in a funny old way, it's a little bit like what you're talking about. 111 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,520 - LAUGHTER - Almost exactly not. 112 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,080 - Yeah. - Yeah. - LAUGHTER 113 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,040 It's nice you brought that up. It's a good... 114 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:51,840 Now, the other thing, before I finish, 115 00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:55,080 the other thing I'd like to bring up is this business now with passports. 116 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:57,720 - They don't like you to smile in the photograph. - Oh, no. 117 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:00,320 - When I grew up, a smile was always mandatory. - A big grin, yes. 118 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:01,800 Like, if you're... 119 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,320 LAUGHTER 120 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:07,200 But now, you have to look like you're suspected of having done something. 121 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,600 I look like a Russian prison guard in my passport photo. 122 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,400 I can see that! I can see that! Absolutely. 123 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:13,760 LAUGHTER 124 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,600 A hatchet-faced Silesian fish wife. 125 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,200 LAUGHTER 126 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:21,800 Every single photo booth I get into appears to be set on "paedophile". 127 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:25,000 LAUGHTER 128 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,960 Try and recreate that look for us now, could you? 129 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:31,080 Right, for a kick-off, what you have to do in a photo-Me booth 130 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:32,960 is, they don't let you wear glasses either, 131 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,320 and, also, because the camera lens is behind the mirror 132 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,240 and you don't know where it is you're always looking slightly off... 133 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,680 - That's true. - Is it down...? OK, this is the look. 134 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:45,200 LAUGHTER 135 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,160 Stay away from my children! 136 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,520 APPLAUSE 137 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:55,240 It gets you... It gets you out of a lot of baby-sitting duties, though. 138 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,760 I bet our passports would look quite good together 139 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,960 cos you're the paedophile and I'm the prison guard. 140 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,640 Yeah, we should travel together. 141 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:06,200 - LAUGHTER - I'm with my Kiwi handler. 142 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,560 - Do kiwis have handlers? - LAUGHTER 143 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,960 - There's not, they're not very good... - Are they edible? 144 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,920 - We're not allowed to eat them. - Like swans? 145 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:18,120 I mean, the Queen's allowed them. Is the Queen allowed kiwis? 146 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:21,200 - I don't think she is. - Could she eat anything cos she's the Queen? 147 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:25,080 - I wouldn't be the one to tell her not to but... - I imagine not! - No, no. 148 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,760 "Stop eating that kiwi, you dreadful old woman!" 149 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:28,960 LAUGHTER 150 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,280 I imagine that you'd be a bit more polite. 151 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,920 You are Stephen Fry off the telly. 152 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,120 - You don't have to do the "dreadful old woman." - No... 153 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:36,840 But it would be a dreadful thing to do. 154 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:41,120 - You could say, "Stop eating that kiwi, ma'am, have some jam." - Exactly, exactly. 155 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:44,200 - "Your Majesty, put the puffin down!" - LAUGHTER 156 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,120 Let's just have situations where we tell the Queen to stop eating... 157 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:48,720 That sounds like a children's game. 158 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,400 "And now have a round of Your Majesty Put The Puffin Down!" 159 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,520 - LAUGHTER - "You're the Queen, so, one...two...three... - Trousers off! 160 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,680 "..Your Majesty, put the puffin down!" Yes, very good. 161 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,320 I don't know why or how we got there, 162 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,320 but that's what journeys do to you. 163 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:03,720 Anyway, describe the travel arrangements 164 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,480 of the Japanese flying snail. 165 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,280 - FOGHORN BLARES - Where is it going? 166 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,640 LAUGHTER 167 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:15,440 Er, it probably won't travel more than 11 miles, but very fast. 168 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:16,520 Does it drop? 169 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,400 - Yes. - Is it a fall? 170 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,040 Yes, but how would it get up? 171 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,600 - They haven't got wings, have they, you see? - They haven't. 172 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,360 They haven't, but we haven't got wings and we fly, how do we do it? 173 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:26,920 - In an aeroplane. - In an aeroplane. 174 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:30,400 - We get in... - I've got the answer. - ..a conveyance of flight. - STEAM TRAIN WHISTLES 175 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:34,320 - They hop on a bird or a creature with wings - a bird. - Yes. 176 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:35,960 Erm, they hop on... 177 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,480 Could have been a bat? 178 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:40,040 Could've been a bat. Could have been a bat or a bird. 179 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,160 Or a strange hybrid of bird bat. LAUGHTER 180 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:45,360 They hop onto a creature with the ability to fly. 181 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,080 But 11 miles, that's very, very high. 182 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,640 - It's not the height, it's not the altitude, they travel... - LAUGHTER 183 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:53,800 They are not going up into space! 184 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,080 I've got it in my head that they're dropping 11 miles. 185 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,280 It's not a voluntary act, they get eaten by birds. 186 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,840 - Oh. - There are two types of bird on the little island of Haha-jima. 187 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:04,920 Haha-jima, it's one of the Ogasawara Islands, south of Japan, 188 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:09,120 as you can see, and there is the Japanese White-eye and the Brown-eyed bulbul, 189 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,800 which are two types of bird. There they are. 190 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,720 And they eat this particular snail... 191 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:17,720 and about 15% of them survive the process 192 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:21,720 and are excreted out alive and so they are, kind of, spreading their, 193 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:25,080 - spreading the genes further around. - Is this to scale? - Yeah. 194 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,160 - Because that seems unlikely. - No, it's not! 195 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,640 LAUGHTER 196 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,560 That'd be a seriously weighed down bulbul. 197 00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,560 That snail would eat that bird! I'd back the snail! 198 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:38,440 Is the, is the bird on the left, is that a white ring around its eye 199 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,320 - or has it just excreted a full size snail? - Yeah! Oh! 200 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:42,800 "Whoa!" 201 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,240 LAUGHTER 202 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,480 It can be up to between 30 minutes or two hours later 203 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,160 that it passes through the bird's system, as it were, 204 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,080 and the bird can fly at about 11mph. 205 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,840 Is the snail doing some of the work, to pass through that quickly? 206 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:56,680 Is it trundling towards the exit of the bird as well? 207 00:09:56,680 --> 00:10:00,440 It's the normal peristaltic action of the digestive system of the bird 208 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:03,120 pushing it through its crop, down into its tummy 209 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:06,200 - and then out of its little botty. - Does the snail go into his own shell, 210 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:09,760 by which I don't mean get a little self-conscious? 211 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,240 Does he retreat into his shell to take shelter? 212 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,600 I should imagine he would. I should imagine he would. 213 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,920 Don't they pick them from the shell? Don't they...? 214 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,800 Like you do in a restaurant with a little special fork? 215 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:23,200 - They've got a special fork! - Which is called Arnold, by the way. 216 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:27,240 - I'm writing it down. Ice cream scoop called Vanessa. - Yes! 217 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,560 - So, anyway... - What would you call one of those pizza cutters? 218 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:31,680 The rolly pizza cutter? 219 00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:34,240 - Clement. - Clement. 220 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:37,080 - Can we call it Dave? - LAUGHTER 221 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,160 Well, there you are. 222 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,920 Yes, good. So, the cry goes up, "Abandon ship," now. 223 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,160 That's our next question, "Abandon ship." 224 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,040 Now, we are proud Britons and one proud Kiwi, 225 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,560 what do we say next? What do we chaps say? 226 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,480 Women and children first! 227 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:51,920 Oh! 228 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,320 KLAXON BLARES 229 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,160 As far as we know, that's only ever been cried twice. 230 00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,000 It's called the Birkenhead Drill 231 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,520 and it happened on board a ship called the Birkenhead 232 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,840 but that was cos the captain pointed a gun at his crew 233 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,920 and said, "Women and children first." 234 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:09,000 This had not been an idea that especially existed before 235 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,480 and, in fact, it's very un-British. 236 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,080 Women have a lesser chance of surviving 237 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,280 if a British ship sinks than a Continental one. 238 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,520 - That's good to know! - Yup, so there you go. - LAUGHTER 239 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,920 So, we aren't the gallant creatures that we thought we were, at all. 240 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:26,440 The Titanic was the other one in which men were told to stand back 241 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,520 and there was, we've had this on QI before, 242 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,440 there was one crew member who survived, 243 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:31,920 went all the way home to Liverpool 244 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,120 and he had the door slammed in his face by his mother 245 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,080 who was ashamed of him for having survived. 246 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:40,160 - But, in fact, more... - She sounds nice. - Yeah, charming! 247 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:41,320 LAUGHTER 248 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,800 Extraordinary. I mean, unbelievable! 249 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:48,480 But, obviously, you want a fair number of fit, strong people 250 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,880 who know their way around the waters, as it were, 251 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:53,360 once you're in the lifeboat cos if it's women and children 252 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,920 there's not really going to be that much, necessarily, use in being in the lifeboat. 253 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,440 That's a bit sexist, Stephen! 254 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:03,320 You need at least one crew member who can navigate by the stars or who can operate the oars efficiently. 255 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,120 Or isn't going, "Oh, look, 256 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,520 "there's a fish over there! Let's go over there!" 257 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,160 I wasn't going to be the one to say that, I'm glad you did. 258 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:13,320 Known as the Birkenhead Drill, it's not common. 259 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:17,400 Has anybody here ever had to muster? Have you ever mustered, Stephen? 260 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:18,680 Not on a ship. 261 00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:22,480 Well, I was filming something on a cruise ship, and it hit a rock. 262 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:23,520 Good gracious. 263 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,240 And we had to genuinely muster. 264 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,720 And the important thing in that situation 265 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:29,560 is to stay calm. 266 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:31,880 I absolutely cacked myself. 267 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,240 LAUGHTER 268 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,120 - I was terrified. - Really? - Yes! 269 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:39,040 Yeah, hard to believe(!) I was. 270 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:43,640 It was very frightening. We were filming a scene with James Corden. 271 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,000 It was a thing called Cruise Of The Gods. 272 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,680 We'd blacked out the windows of this cabin to simulate night. 273 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:54,720 All of a sudden, the boat tipped at an incredible angle one way. 274 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:58,840 - James Corden gone over to the...? - LAUGHTER 275 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:01,280 - Naughty! - That's very naughty, Alan. 276 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,880 That's very naughty. 277 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,840 APPLAUSE 278 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:10,080 You know, a lot of people in Britain struggle with their weight, Alan. 279 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,480 - Yes, I do. Yeah. - I wasn't thinking of you! 280 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:17,320 - < Were you with him? - LAUGHTER 281 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:20,560 And we ended up having to abandon ship that night, 282 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,000 - just like...similar to Titanic. - Wowser! 283 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,200 LAUGHTER Yeah, I don't want to say just like... 284 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:27,320 - Yeah. - It wasn't that bad. 285 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,840 It's a good enough story without embellishing that much. 286 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,880 All right, yeah. But we get off, 287 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:35,520 and we're watching the ship lit up in the background... 288 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,040 And where was the nearest land? 289 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:40,360 We were close to land because we were coming out of a port. 290 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,720 The captain was coming out of port too fast, 291 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,360 and sure enough, we went... CRUNCHING SOUND 292 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:48,400 So we were quite close. But a very frightening experience. 293 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:52,600 I mean, with all due deference to the captain of this vessel 294 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,520 going too fast out of port, 295 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,040 I mean, if he doesn't do that, his kids can't water-ski. 296 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,440 - LAUGHTER - Fair point. 297 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,120 - He's got to give them a treat, hasn't he? - Yeah. 298 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,960 What's the point of being a captain if you can't have a laugh? 299 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:08,360 Anyway, there you are, yes. 300 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,680 Who used to hang out with Richard Burton 301 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,200 and drive cabbies round the bend? 302 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,800 - PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT CHIMES - Yeah. 303 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:15,960 Elizabeth Hailer? 304 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,440 Oh, very good! 305 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,640 That is...no. 306 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,640 - Who is that? Go on. - It's not OJ Simpson? 307 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:23,640 It is OJ Simpson! Very good. With Burton, 308 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,600 of course, so, now we're confusing you, 309 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,320 because this is a bit naughty of us. 310 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,440 This enemy of cabs was a real enemy of cabs. 311 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,520 And oddly enough, by mentioning Elizabeth Hailer, 312 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,200 for which, chapeau, as they say, you've got the right gender, 313 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:40,400 because the person who annoyed this cabbie was in fact a woman. 314 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:44,640 - That's the Richard Burton we're talking about. Who was he? - Was he an English explorer? 315 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,720 He was an amazing man. 316 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,040 He went off for years at a time and occasionally wrote letters to his wife? 317 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,400 As seems to be... no tweeting or Skypeing. 318 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:56,000 There was no tweeting. Absolutely. He spoke 29 languages. 319 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,720 He was a quite remarkable man. 320 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,880 And he gave the English-speaking world 321 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,400 the unexpurgated translation of the 1,001 Nights, 322 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,160 and indeed, the Kama Sutra. 323 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,960 So he was considered by Victorians as absolutely outrageous and scandalous. 324 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:12,880 But he was an extraordinary scholar and adventurer, a remarkable man. 325 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,960 But he had a friend called Mrs Prodgers, 326 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,280 who I assume must have been... 327 00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:20,440 that sounds like a Welsh surname, presumably, is it? 328 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,760 Is Prodgers a name you've come across before? 329 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,360 - No. - It's a new one on me. - I've never heard Prodgers. 330 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,480 - Quite a nice name. Mrs Prodgers. - "Mrs Prodgers came in yesterday." 331 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:29,640 "What did she want?" 332 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:32,400 "Well, she wouldn't say. She was looking for you." 333 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,520 You've built up a whole little scenario in your head! 334 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,400 "She looked upset, though. 335 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,720 "I hear her Bronwyn is taking her exams this week." 336 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:44,640 "Yes, she is. Mind you, that glandular fever has played hell with her revision." 337 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:47,800 And we'll look in next week for Episode 2 of Life With The Prodgers! 338 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,720 LAUGHTER 339 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,480 But this woman, whose name was Prodgers, 340 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,120 had conducted a lifelong, insane, 341 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,280 very typically Victorian-ly eccentric battle against cabbies, 342 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,840 for whom, for some reason, she really had it in for them. 343 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,440 Seems they ply a harmless trade, in those days, of course, 344 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:05,480 using horses rather than engines, and she knew to within feet 345 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:09,520 the exact limits of the journeys they could make for one shilling, 346 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,480 and she would make them make the journey 347 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,920 within a few yards of the boundary which would then allow them to charge more, 348 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,480 and then she would wait precisely the amount of time she was allowed to wait 349 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,760 without them charging extra waiting time. 350 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:24,400 And then she gloried more than anything else in them trying to get more money off her, 351 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,320 and then she would take them to court, and she would usually win. 352 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,560 It was a bizarre practice. 353 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,880 But it got to the stage... she also travelled in some style, 354 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,920 so when she arrived at King's Cross station, she'd have five porters - 355 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:39,280 three for her luggage, and two to carry her children. 356 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,960 And there'd be the line of cabs outside just as there is today 357 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,440 in any station, and there would be a shout of, 358 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,760 "Mrs Prodgers! Mrs Prodgers!" and they'd all bugger off. 359 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,720 - LAUGHTER - They'd all disappear. 360 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:52,280 And in 1876, on Bonfire Night, 361 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:56,040 they made an effigy of her, the cabbies, and burned her in a huge bonfire, 362 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,400 and there were music hall songs about it. 363 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,320 It was a very famous bizarre thing, 364 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,440 that this woman had it in for cabbies. 365 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,840 Who knows, one of them may have tried to molest her 366 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:09,240 - or failed to molest her or whatever. - What an awful moment, when you realise she's in your cab. 367 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,280 I know. "Oh, it's bloody Prodgers." 368 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:15,480 "Taxi!" And she jumps in... "Oh, shit! Mrs Prodgers!" 369 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:17,760 Yeah. "I've got Mrs Prodgers." Very extraordinary. 370 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:20,880 But for some reason, she was very friendly with Richard Burton, 371 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,960 and he helped her and gave her advice, and considering he was, 372 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,000 as you rightly say, 373 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:29,600 not considered a particularly gallant man - as far as his wife was concerned, he was away a lot - 374 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:30,960 he was helpful and kind to her. 375 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,840 The rest of the family never understood, 376 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,840 because he was usually short-tempered with them. 377 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:39,120 It was a standing joke, his regard for Mrs Prodgers. 378 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,400 She wasn't his alter ego? Like his... 379 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,960 No, I don't think he... 380 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,520 He'd dress up as Mrs Prodgers. 381 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,360 Were they ever seen in the same room? 382 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:49,640 Because he goes off exploring, thousands and thousands of miles, 383 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:53,640 - but as Mrs Prodgers, he only goes about 20 centimetres a time! - Interesting thought. 384 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,480 I got into a taxi once in London, 385 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,800 and the taxi driver saw me in the mirror and went, 386 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:02,920 "Hello, mate. Can I say, we do enjoy, the wife and I, watching you," 387 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:05,680 and I thought, "Oh, this is going to be lovely." 388 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,640 And he started telling me what he liked. 389 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,720 But he was mistaking me for Ben Miller. 390 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:10,840 A lot of them do that. 391 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,240 And he started listing lots of Ben's projects. 392 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,800 "I like that Primeval!" 393 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,120 Yeah, and he said The Worst Week Of My Life, 394 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:20,280 so I just played along. I said, "Thanks very much," 395 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,240 and then he actually said, 396 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,720 "I'll tell you who you must get confused for..." 397 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,000 LAUGHTER 398 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,200 "It's that Welsh one. It's that..." 399 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,760 And I said, "Oh, Rob Brydon?" He said, "Yeah!" 400 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,680 I said, "Oh, he's good," I said. 401 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,000 I said, "I think he's fantastic." 402 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,560 And he said, "What, him? The Welsh one? I think he's a twat." 403 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:39,960 LAUGHTER 404 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,560 APPLAUSE 405 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,840 So, there we are. That was Richard Burton. 406 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:52,280 How long would it take you to bicycle from Land's End 407 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,880 - to the northernmost part of Britain? - What, John O'Groats? 408 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:58,840 - Oh! - KLAXON BLARES 409 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:04,480 - Mean of me, wasn't it? - No, no, ask clear, well-defined questions! 410 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,920 - We just like to make you say things! - You can't buzz buzz me on chitchat! 411 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:09,120 LAUGHTER 412 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:12,200 - No, it's not the northernmost part of Britain. - Is it not? 413 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:13,680 No, surprisingly. 414 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:17,000 It, sort of, advertises itself as such and it has a little hut. 415 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,600 There's the last house in Scotland, in John O'Groats. 416 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,040 There's one of those boys in callipers. 417 00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:23,840 I haven't seen one for years. 418 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:27,080 - A long time ago, I know. - There was one on the high street when I was a kid. 419 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,480 It used to be called the Spastic Society, it's now Scope, isn't it? 420 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,960 - You put a penny in and he was still there the next week. - LAUGHTER 421 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,800 Did you put the penny in to make him go away?! 422 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,520 - I thought it would get him better, poor lad. - Oh, bless! 423 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,800 Look at him, there, he's obviously on his holidays, isn't he? 424 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,920 I used to like those ones where you put the penny in 425 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,280 and it just rolled round and round, and round... 426 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,960 We had a guide dog, you put the penny in its head. 427 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:54,120 - We had a lifeboat one where you put the penny in and the lifeboat came out. - That's right! I like that. 428 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:58,080 There's a brilliant model of Queen Victoria's dog in Sydney, 429 00:19:58,080 --> 00:19:59,760 outside the Queen Victoria building, 430 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,600 and it's like a, you know, you put in your donation, but it talks. 431 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,800 So, it's a little, like, Highland terrier 432 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,240 and it says, in very beautiful newsreader tones, 433 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,840 "During my lifetime because of my good deeds, 434 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:13,640 "after my death I was granted the power of speech." LAUGHTER 435 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,960 Like this. And then it goes, 436 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,640 "If you put a coin in the box I will say thank you." 437 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,880 And then it pauses and then goes, "Thank you." LAUGHTER 438 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,960 "Woof." 439 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:28,080 That lad said nothing to me. 440 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:31,560 - Not a word! - Every week, I put something in his box. 441 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,920 Which...? Do you put it in the box or is it his head? 442 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,240 It's got a slot in his box. 443 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:37,880 He might have two slots. Some of them would have two slots. 444 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:41,520 - Two slots in the box, yeah. Women... No, stop it! - LAUGHTER 445 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:42,840 PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT CHIMES 446 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,760 - I never said that! - I resign! - Yes, quite right. Absolutely shameful. 447 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,680 - We've established this is not your area. - Yeah, exactly. 448 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,680 He looks, he looked a little bit like... 449 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,960 - It's like you're talking about Narnia or somewhere. - LAUGHTER 450 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:57,400 - It's a fantastical land you've only heard about. - Exactly. 451 00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,200 "You make your way through the fur coats and suddenly...!" 452 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:03,000 - Whoa! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 453 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,800 Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Dear, oh, dear! 454 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:11,320 Wielding a coin. A single coin. 455 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,240 For a while you have a magical time but then you meet an ice maiden. 456 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:17,120 - Yes. It's all... Oh, dear God! - LAUGHTER 457 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:21,240 - Anyway, yes... - You're telling me there's somewhere further than John O'Groats? 458 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,720 There is indeed - Dunnet Head. That's the actual northernmost spot. 459 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,400 If you've got to John O'Groats and you haven't gone there... 460 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:30,400 You wouldn't cycle on there, would you? It's a bit bumpy! 461 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,360 It's rather beautiful, isn't it? 462 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,920 It's about 603 miles, as the crow flies, 463 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,360 but by road it's about 800 miles. 464 00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:41,760 Cyclists could take 10 to 14 days doing it. 465 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:45,280 The record for running the route, what would you say, is...? 466 00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:49,120 - Have a guess. - You couldn't do it in less than a week, could you? 467 00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:53,080 No, no. It's nine days and two hours, which is pretty damn good going. 468 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,800 - I'll say! - In 2005, a golfer named David Sullivan 469 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,560 hit a golf ball all the way. Took him seven weeks. 470 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,720 I don't know what his score was. 471 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:04,160 Be awful if he didn't fill his card correctly at the end. Disqualified. 472 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,800 - Was it a putter? - LAUGHTER 473 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:10,760 Did he mean to do it? Did he mean to do it? 474 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,880 Was he just trying to get it in... "Wait a minute!" 475 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,440 - Just playing it where it lies... - "Oh, I've lost it again!" 476 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:18,400 It would land in the back of a lorry going the other direction - 477 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,080 "Oh, Christ!" 478 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:22,600 I feel sorry for the bloke that was standing waiting for him 479 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,200 - holding the flag. - LAUGHTER 480 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,240 So, people have done it in all kinds of different ways. 481 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:33,080 In 1911 there was a motorcycle record of 29 hours and 12 minutes, 482 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,600 which led to a ban on further attempts 483 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:40,640 because the time necessarily proved that they had been breaking the speed limit, which was 20mph. 484 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:45,480 Now, here's a bird you might see near John O'Groats. What is it? 485 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:46,920 - Well... - Gannet! 486 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,040 - Fulmar. - Not a gannet, it's not a falcon. 487 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:51,160 Is it the one puffin the Queen hasn't eaten? 488 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,240 It is a puffin, well done! 489 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,080 - It's a puffin? - It is a puffin. 490 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:58,840 Yes, we usually think of puffins as looking more like this, don't we? 491 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:01,440 - There, that's, exactly. Well... - Photoshop. Photoshop. 492 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,200 - ..when they've had sex... - It's a ninja puffin. 493 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:07,800 ..and it's winter they don't need to look all bright like that, and so they go all dull. 494 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:08,880 But its beak is...? 495 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,760 - Well, I suppose its beak has shrunk enough... - It falls off. 496 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,480 - It falls off?! - Yes. - What?! 497 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,640 Yeah. I know. It's just there to attract a mate and then once... 498 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,720 - The dirty, dirty puffins! - LAUGHTER 499 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:21,800 Is it the equivalent of a woman losing her figure 500 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,880 after she's got married? LAUGHTER AND GROANING 501 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:28,760 - The minute the ring goes on, they just go to pieces. - Oh, now, behave! 502 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,320 To me, it looks more like a woman taking her padded bra off. 503 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,720 - That's what it looks like. - Yes, I'm afraid there is... 504 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,480 She's just not making an effort any more, is she? 505 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,760 The eye, there, has just been stuck on? Is that...? 506 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,640 Yeah, again, it's a colour, there. It's all to, kind of... 507 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,320 - Just blind. I look great. - Brighter, sexy... 508 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:47,000 - "Oh, hello, it's worked!" - LAUGHTER 509 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,760 They rather sweetly pair for life, male and female puffins, 510 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,000 and they make one egg a year. 511 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,960 So once they've mated, they don't need to attract each other any more. 512 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,960 So, you know, for the winter season, when they're busy feeding 513 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,520 and then they just, sort of, put on their spring make-up... 514 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:01,640 "I remember when you cared about me!" 515 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,960 - Exactly. - "You used to have a pink beak!" - LAUGHTER 516 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:09,480 - But then it comes back? - Yes. - "You should put the eye make-up on!" - It comes back again. - It comes back?! 517 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:12,000 Yes, but they are lovely little creatures, aren't they? 518 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:13,960 Do you know what a baby puffin is called? 519 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,160 A puff. 520 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:16,440 STEPHEN CHUCKLES 521 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,880 - It's a puffling. Isn't that lovely? - ALL: - Ah! 522 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,240 - Exactly, ah! - That's like something out of Harry Potter. - They loved that! 523 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,280 Say it again, they loved it! 524 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:26,400 Puffling. 525 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,000 - ALL: - Ah! 526 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:31,760 How many people now have a new nickname for their partner? LAUGHTER 527 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,080 - Exactly. Puffling. - "For their partner," did you say? 528 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:38,040 - For a moment I thought you were going to say their penis. - LAUGHTER 529 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,400 - For some people, that is their partner. - Puffling. 530 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:47,040 Aren't they like those party hats you can get with a bit of elastic? 531 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:50,760 - Handy. - The one on the left, he looks like "whoa"! He could easily... 532 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:54,400 Honestly, a toucan could do great on that puffin island. 533 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:56,120 - Can you imagine? - He'd score big-time. 534 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:59,120 - Oh, Nelly! - Oh-ho-ho-ho, yeah! 535 00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:01,600 - "Hey, ladies, yeah." - Well, they spend the time... 536 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,480 - "From the tropics." - LAUGHTER 537 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:07,360 - "This doesn't fall off after." - LAUGHTER 538 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:13,400 "No, I'm keeping this. Yeah, I've still got the Guinness money." 539 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:16,720 - They are... - He'd be freezing cold, though, wouldn't he, after a while? 540 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,640 "Ahhh! How'd you do this up here?" 541 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,240 Would his beak gets smaller in the winter? 542 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:25,400 Are these just Arctic toucans? 543 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:29,320 Right, no, they're not, actually, they're a kind of auk, in fact. 544 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:31,520 Most of those, you'll find in the north Atlantic. 545 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:34,440 These, indeed, John O'Groats would be a very good place to see them. 546 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:36,440 - Not Auckland? - Not Auckland, oddly enough. 547 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:38,760 That's spelt with a C, a little redundant C, A-U-C-K. 548 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:40,880 - Oh, of course it is. - Yeah. But out to sea, 549 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:43,400 they are pelagic and they have little backward, 550 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,000 sort of like barbed rows of things, 551 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:47,000 to, basically, to store fish in their mouth 552 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,200 but they are lovely, lovely creatures. 553 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:53,400 Of course, the Catholic Church counted them as fish, so you could eat them on Fridays. Good. 554 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,440 So, for evolutionary reasons, puffins' beaks fall off after sex, 555 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,360 assuming you believe in evolution, that is. 556 00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:01,160 Like that, what was the name of the naturalist on board the Beagle? 557 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:05,000 - Charles Darwin, you mean? - Oh! - Oh, drat! - KLAXON BLARES 558 00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:08,720 This is a whole new tactic he's doing! 559 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:10,800 He wasn't the naturalist on board the Beagle. 560 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,280 There was an official naturalist on board the Beagle 561 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,400 and it wasn't Charles Darwin. He was the...? 562 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:18,880 - I don't care any more! - Oh, you're angry, I'm sorry. 563 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:21,480 - Phillip, I wish it hadn't happened to you. - He was the cook. 564 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,600 - He wasn't the cook, no. - He was the figurehead on the prow. STEPHEN LAUGHS 565 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,320 He wasn't that either! He was, in fact, the geologist. 566 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:30,040 - The geologist. - He took four times as many notes on geology 567 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:31,600 as he did on zoology, oddly enough. 568 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:34,280 It was the doctor, whose name was McCormick, 569 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,920 who was the official naturalist, 570 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,080 and he really resented Darwin being there. 571 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:41,080 It was for rather snobbish British 19th century reasons 572 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,920 that FitzRoy, whose voyage it was, wanted a gentleman companion 573 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:47,680 and Charles Darwin fitted the bill rather more than the doctor. 574 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,320 Was there an advert in The Telegraph? 575 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:51,160 "Wanted - puffling"? 576 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:54,480 - LAUGHTER - Yes, "to accompany on long voyage." 577 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,760 The doctor resented Darwin because he took his place at the captain's table, 578 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:01,240 and was treated as an equal. Fitzroy was an independently rich gentleman, 579 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:02,440 as they called him then. 580 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:04,640 Darwin writes in his diary, in fact, 581 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:08,480 "My friend the doctor is an ass, but we jog along very amicably. 582 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:10,280 "At present, he is in great tribulation 583 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:13,040 "whether his cabin should be painted French grey or dead white. 584 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,400 "I hear little, excepting this subject, from him." 585 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:16,880 So he was obviously a man to go, 586 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:18,800 "How shall I paint my cabin?" 587 00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,440 That's all he ever talked about! 588 00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:22,480 But Christmas Day in 1835, 589 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,560 there's the young Darwin before he grew that massive beard, 590 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:29,520 they went to Tierra del Fuego, the land of the fire, right down below South America, 591 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:32,320 and there, Darwin was very astonished to note what happened 592 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:36,520 when the local people had a famine. What they turned to eat. 593 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:40,240 Can you imagine what it is that they ate when times were difficult? 594 00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:41,360 - Guinea pigs? - Penguins? 595 00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:44,560 - Guinea pigs are eaten in South America commonly. - Just a snack! - That's... 596 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:46,880 - One another? - One another is right, 597 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:50,040 - but a particular type of person was chosen. - Elderly people. 598 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:51,440 And the particular type of...? 599 00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,560 - Elderly women? - Elderly women is the answer. 600 00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:56,440 The elderly women ran for the hills when there was any kind of famine 601 00:27:56,440 --> 00:28:02,080 - because they were the ones... - "Mmm-mm! That's some good old lady!" - LAUGHTER 602 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:06,320 - "I've got the GILF cookbook!" - LAUGHTER AND GROANING 603 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:08,000 That's terrible! 604 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:10,280 That's just awful, Phillip Jupitus. 605 00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:14,120 - Erm, but the reason being that... - "Their arms are so tender!" 606 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:17,200 Well, they explained to the crew of the Beagle that the reason was, 607 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:21,040 I'm afraid to say, that the old women were the least useful members of the tribe 608 00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:24,120 because old men and children, and others could otter hunt 609 00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:27,320 - but the old women couldn't hunt for otters. - What about the knitting?! 610 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,040 - I'm sorry? - What about the knitting and crochet? - Well, exactly. 611 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,760 - I know, exactly. - And who is going to teach you rummy? 612 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:35,200 - That's a very good point. Yes. - LAUGHTER 613 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:38,560 They can make dumplings. All these things, only old ladies can do. 614 00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:42,480 How does their society evolve with nobody to say, "Oh, I know!" 615 00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:46,080 - LAUGHTER - "Oh, I know!" 616 00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:49,000 - The thing is, they'd still be able to make dumplings. - "Hello!" 617 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,000 - Completely devoid of that. - They could make dumplings out of them. 618 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:53,640 - Yes, exactly. - That's true. 619 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:55,880 Very, very good point. 620 00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:58,040 There we are. That's one of the exciting things 621 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:01,720 that Charles Darwin, who was not the naturalist on the Beagle, discovered. 622 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:06,640 So we travel to a more exotic place where they had jackal-headed gods. 623 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:09,000 - Where would I be? - Egypt. - Ah! 624 00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:12,160 KLAXON BLARES 625 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:13,960 "What, Egypt, you mean?" 626 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:17,040 - You didn't quite say that, did you? - Sorry, I didn't quite say... 627 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:19,360 "What, Egypt, you mean?" 628 00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:21,320 LAUGHTER 629 00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:22,760 Not Egypt, in fact. 630 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:25,040 Those have been known as jackal-headed gods. 631 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:29,120 - That particular God, extra points if you know that. - Anubis. - Well done! 632 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:30,440 Anubis is the right answer. 633 00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:33,680 Anubis who was, do you know what the duty of Anubis was? 634 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:35,040 Something to do with death. 635 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:37,160 Didn't he guide you into the spirit world? 636 00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:38,960 Another five points, I think, there. 637 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,720 There's a name for a god that guides you into the underworld, 638 00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:44,800 like Mercury, who guided you as far as the River Styx, 639 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:46,320 and that's a psychopomp. 640 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:49,800 - That's a good word! - A psychopomp? - A psychopomp. 641 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:52,720 Sounds like something you'd find in a medical examination. 642 00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:54,600 "I'm sorry, you've got psychopomps." 643 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:58,000 - "It may be benign, it may be malignant." - Yes, "We're going to have to operate." 644 00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:00,160 A malignant psychopomp, you wouldn't want. 645 00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:02,080 Erm, but, in fact, what has been discovered, 646 00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:05,560 and this is, you won't find this on Egyptological websites 647 00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:09,760 where they will continue to call Anubis and other Egyptian deities jackal-headed, 648 00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:14,320 but the animals that existed at the time of ancient Egypt 649 00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:17,200 were, we now know from DNA, wolves, not jackals. 650 00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:19,080 So, from a zoological point of view, 651 00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:21,520 if not from an Egyptological point of view, 652 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:24,760 they are in fact the wolf-headed, not jackal-headed. 653 00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:27,840 You heard it here first. A very recent discovery. 654 00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:29,240 So, that's exciting, isn't it? 655 00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:32,320 But now we come to a very special part of the programme here. 656 00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:34,320 In this series, we're occasionally featuring 657 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:35,800 theories which are interesting, 658 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:38,800 but which we don't necessarily believe, 100%, at least. 659 00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:41,080 We call them Dubious Theories. 660 00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:44,960 'A Dubious Theory from Stephen Fry.' 661 00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:47,200 Yeah, thank you. Yes. 662 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:53,600 The years between 614 and 911 AD didn't exist. 663 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:57,400 The Holy Roman Emperor Otto III got his chroniclers to fake 664 00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,240 nearly 300 years of history, 665 00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,440 so there was no such person as Charlemagne, 666 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:07,440 and we're currently actually living in the year 1715 AD. 667 00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:10,000 This is called the Phantom Time Hypothesis. 668 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:13,600 Is it dubious? Look it up on phantomschmantom.com 669 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:15,720 and decide for yourself. 670 00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:18,480 That's like the earliest version of Wikipedia, then, isn't it? 671 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:21,880 Like someone's just gone in and changed the pages to make it... 672 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,600 Yeah. The theory is that this emperor wanted to be on the throne 673 00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:28,120 in the year 1000 AD, but in fact it was only 700 AD, 674 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:32,040 so he basically got the chroniclers to pretend these 300 years existed. 675 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:35,000 It was one Heribert Illig who started this argument in 1990, 676 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:37,160 and his evidence is the apparent stagnation 677 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:40,840 in the development of architecture, ceramics and thought at this time. 678 00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:44,440 It is, after all, the beginning of the age known as the Dark Ages. 679 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:46,840 And there's very little archaeological evidence 680 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:49,640 which can be reliably dated to this period. 681 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:53,400 There's a very limited number of written sources, which could be faked or just wrong. 682 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,600 I know it's just mad, but anyway, 683 00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:58,600 there are a range of achievements that are given to Charlemagne 684 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:02,240 that make you think he must have been mythical rather than real. 685 00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:04,240 His size, his warrior, his scholarship, 686 00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:06,920 his inventions, his brilliance, and so on. 687 00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,920 Anyway, it's worth looking up, and you can decide for yourself 688 00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:11,200 whether or not it is true. 689 00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:14,120 It's an amazing thought that this could be the year 1715. 690 00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:17,520 - I'm all for it. - In which case, we'll have a Jacobite rebellion any minute. 691 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:19,840 - LAUGHTER - There you go. 692 00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:24,480 There we are. So, as I say, look it up in phantomschmantom.com. 693 00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:29,160 Now, name two interesting things you can do with a coconut in Hawaii. 694 00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:33,920 Do you get different coconuts in Hawaii from other places? 695 00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:36,240 It's a very touristy thing which is frowned upon 696 00:32:36,240 --> 00:32:38,400 by the officials who do, nonetheless, do it. 697 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:41,040 Thousands and thousands of these are done every year. 698 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:44,200 Some kind of...you throw them from a moving vehicle? 699 00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:46,320 You use it as a postcard. 700 00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:47,360 Postcard. 701 00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:49,520 Yeah, and you can see, there they are. 702 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:52,560 You buy them like that, and they will help you decorate it. 703 00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:55,240 You can see the writing on one of them there. 704 00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:57,200 "Just nuts about...", "See you some time..." 705 00:32:57,200 --> 00:33:00,000 You put a stamp on. 10 dollars it costs, something like that, 706 00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:01,840 to send it to the mainland of America. 707 00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:03,560 It'd be annoying to get one of those. 708 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:07,160 - It really would, wouldn't it? - "Where's the coconut I sent you?" 709 00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:09,840 - Where is it, then? - "Oh, well, there was a fire." 710 00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:12,280 A fire that I threw it into! 711 00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:13,880 LAUGHTER 712 00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:16,280 A bit of rationality, and I threw it in a bin. 713 00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:19,600 I had a friend who was nearly killed by a coconut. I've known him for 20 years, 714 00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:20,960 and I was furious with him, 715 00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:23,280 because he only told me a couple of months ago, 716 00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:25,200 and if I had nearly been killed by a coconut, 717 00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:27,080 - I would be... - Everyone would know about it. 718 00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:29,760 Every conversation. "Hello, I'm Cal. I survived a coconut." 719 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:31,160 LAUGHTER 720 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:33,120 But he said he was just standing on a beach, 721 00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:35,920 and a coconut fell from a tree, and he said it was such a good shot - 722 00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:37,280 it hit him directly on the head - 723 00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:40,280 such a good shot, he could hear other coconuts high-fiving each other. 724 00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:42,840 LAUGHTER 725 00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:45,360 Other things you can do with a coconut, 726 00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:46,720 not necessarily in Hawaii... 727 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:49,920 - Get the coconut milk out. - Well, yes, the water, the milk. 728 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:52,120 You can use it as a rehydration drip, which they did 729 00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:54,440 during World War II, both the Japanese and Americans, 730 00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:57,520 cos it's sterile, but it's perfectly serviceable 731 00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:59,040 for rehydration to use it as a drip. 732 00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:02,160 Have a little coconut into you, dripping into you. 733 00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:03,920 The other thing to do, 734 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:07,480 if you have a tooth knocked out, immersion in coconut water will keep it viable 735 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,120 for reinsertion better than milk. 736 00:34:09,120 --> 00:34:10,560 So there you are. 737 00:34:10,560 --> 00:34:12,840 Little things you can do with coconuts. 738 00:34:12,840 --> 00:34:15,240 Now, why did JFK keep a coconut on his desk? 739 00:34:15,240 --> 00:34:16,880 And there he did, you can see. 740 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:19,760 - No question about it. - Was he missing a tooth? 741 00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,160 No, that wasn't it. 742 00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:25,200 - Was it a recording device of some sort? A CIA nut? - No, it isn't. 743 00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:28,160 - No, it isn't. - Postcard from a friend? 744 00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:31,280 It's not a postcard from a friend. It's a rather important memento. 745 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:34,800 Amongst JFK's achievements, obviously he was a youngish and... 746 00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:38,040 - He was on a torpedo boat in the war. - A torpedo boat, PT109, yeah. 747 00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:40,120 - Famously, he was heroic. - Is it from then? - Yes. 748 00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:43,160 His torpedo boat was sunk by the enemy, 749 00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:45,640 and he found himself stranded on the Solomon Islands, 750 00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:48,520 completely isolated, and there were local islanders. 751 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:52,360 He had no pen or paper, so he carved onto a coconut, 752 00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:56,440 which he gave to some of the local native islanders, 753 00:34:56,440 --> 00:35:00,160 and asked them to take it to the capital, Rendova, and he carved on it, 754 00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:03,120 "Nauro Island. Commander. Native knows position. 755 00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:06,560 "He can pilot. 11 alive. Need small boat. Kennedy." 756 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:08,800 The natives took it, and eventually he was rescued. 757 00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:12,360 "Hurry up and pick us up. We are eating the old women here." 758 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,560 LAUGHTER So it was a postcard? 759 00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:17,240 It was indeed! You're kind of right. 760 00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:20,440 He started the whole fashion, and of course, they gave it back to him 761 00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:22,280 as a memento and he kept it on his desk. 762 00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:24,800 Didn't bring him much luck, but... 763 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:28,040 LAUGHTER 764 00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:29,440 - Bit dark! - Sorry. 765 00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:31,760 Sorry! That's awful. 766 00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:34,440 I can remember it. You're too old. I mean...hang on. 767 00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:36,400 LAUGHTER 768 00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:39,240 I think I may actually be getting dementia. 769 00:35:39,240 --> 00:35:41,120 Can you really remember it? 770 00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:45,320 - Yes, I can. - "I was standing on a grassy knoll with a rifle..." 771 00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:47,080 And a voice told me... 772 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:50,200 APPLAUSE 773 00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:53,600 Yeah. I was six years old, I think. 774 00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:56,400 - Something like that. - I can remember Ronald Reagan being shot, 775 00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:57,960 and my dad was in the kitchen, 776 00:35:57,960 --> 00:35:59,720 and I said "Reagan's been shot." 777 00:35:59,720 --> 00:36:02,040 - And he went, "Oh." - LAUGHTER 778 00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:04,000 That's a bit blase! 779 00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:08,200 And he thought I meant Regan in The Sweeney. 780 00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:11,320 - Oh! - LAUGHTER 781 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:15,160 In 1981, they had this premiere of a British movie, Chariots Of Fire. 782 00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:18,280 And they asked our comedy troupe, me and Hugh and Emma and Tony Slattery, 783 00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:20,960 if we would perform a little cabaret 784 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:23,240 at the Dorchester Hotel after the premiere. 785 00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:25,520 And I'd spoken to my mother. I'd said to her, 786 00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:28,120 "I'm very excited. We're going to the Dorchester." She said, 787 00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:30,320 "Do you know, the last time I went to the Dorchester, 788 00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:33,480 "it all broke up very early because it was the night Kennedy got shot." 789 00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:35,800 In 1962. I said, "Oh, gosh, blimey." 790 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:38,760 Anyway, so I'm doing the sketch with Emma, and suddenly 791 00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:40,760 - we notice the audience going, - HE MUTTERS 792 00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:43,320 and everyone's disappeared, all these executives from Fox 793 00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:45,760 and everything. And Reagan had been shot. 794 00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:48,120 So I rang my mother up and said, 795 00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:49,880 "What happened?" She said, 796 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:53,000 "No member of this family is ever allowed to go to the Dorchester again. 797 00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:55,120 "It's not safe for Western democracy." 798 00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:58,360 Which is why, during W Bush's administration, 799 00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:00,200 Stephen dined there on a daily basis! 800 00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:04,520 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 801 00:37:06,240 --> 00:37:10,400 - Anyway... - "Waiter, any news?" 802 00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:12,600 - LAUGHTER - Dear me. Still. 803 00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:16,400 Which travel organisation includes a mandatory fee 804 00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:18,840 for the repatriation of your corpse? 805 00:37:18,840 --> 00:37:20,480 Er, the AA? Thomas Cook? 806 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:24,960 No, this is a very particular event that you can subscribe to, 807 00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:27,840 which, er, they sort out your travel 808 00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:30,360 and your participation in this event, 809 00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:33,120 but included in it is a fee for the repatriation of your corpse. 810 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:35,840 It's not expected you'll die, but there is a chance. 811 00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:38,120 It's not running the bulls at Pamplona, is it? 812 00:37:38,120 --> 00:37:39,560 No, not the bulls at Pamplona. 813 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:43,360 - I was going to say dining with you at the Dorchester! - That might do it. 814 00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:46,720 - It's not one of these Ironman races, is it? - It's that sort of thing. 815 00:37:46,720 --> 00:37:48,880 It's an incredibly difficult marathon. 816 00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:51,360 It's called the Marathon des Sables, 817 00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:54,120 - which your French will tell you means...? - Marathon of the sable. 818 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:56,520 LAUGHTER 819 00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:58,800 These little black furry creatures... Yes. 820 00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:03,400 - Sand is sable in French. - Oh, sable. Sorry, sorry. 821 00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:05,480 It's the Marathon of the Sands, 822 00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:08,160 and it's an extraordinarily enduring and gruelling event 823 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,680 in which you have to carry your own food, although there are water stops, 824 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:15,080 and it's a six-day... Each day you run a marathon in the Sahara Desert. 825 00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:16,760 People are very weird, aren't they? 826 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:20,080 I have a friend who does it and she's done it twice, which is extraordinary. 827 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:23,440 Did she have to go back because she had forgotten something? 828 00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:26,160 - On two separate years! - They'd better not tell Izzard about it. 829 00:38:26,160 --> 00:38:29,920 - AS EDDIE IZZARD: - "Really? Er... OK!" 830 00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:31,640 LAUGHTER 831 00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:34,280 "How many? How many do they do? OK." 832 00:38:34,280 --> 00:38:35,720 LAUGHTER 833 00:38:35,720 --> 00:38:41,120 "Er, I'm going to do 120 Desert marathons a week, for a year." 834 00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:43,880 - LAUGHTER - "Yes, true story." 835 00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:46,000 Very good Eddie, I have to say! 836 00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:48,040 APPLAUSE 837 00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:54,200 I'm going to the pub every night for 27 years. 838 00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:56,520 LAUGHTER 839 00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:59,920 In tribute to Nelson Mandela. 840 00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:02,160 Consider the case of Mauro Prosperi, 841 00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:05,080 who was a very experienced runner, an Italian policeman, in fact, 842 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:08,720 who, in 1994, was doing the Marathon des Sables and there was a sandstorm, 843 00:39:08,720 --> 00:39:10,840 and he disobeyed the official instructions 844 00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:13,160 that if you are in a sandstorm, you hunker down 845 00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:14,320 and wait till it passes. 846 00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:17,120 I guess he wanted to win, so he carried on running and got lost. 847 00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:20,160 And this is a bad thing in the Sahara, as I'm sure you can imagine. 848 00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:23,120 By the second day he was drinking his urine, naturally. 849 00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:24,960 On the third he found an abandoned shrine, 850 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:28,400 managed to kill a couple of bats, whose blood he drank. 851 00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:32,640 He then decided to kill himself with the penknife, but he was so dehydrated, the blood didn't flow. 852 00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:34,920 He was rather encouraged to wake up the next morning, 853 00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:39,240 and so he ran for the next five days, drinking urine and dew, 854 00:39:39,240 --> 00:39:42,640 and eating the occasional lizard that he found and managed to kill on the way. 855 00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:46,760 After nine days, he encountered some nomads who got him back to safety. 856 00:39:46,760 --> 00:39:51,600 He'd lost three stone and was 130 miles off course in Algeria. 857 00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:55,480 - LAUGHTER - So, and then he did it again for six years. 858 00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:58,720 He went back and did it again. Amazing. 859 00:39:58,720 --> 00:40:01,640 I mean, bizarre, but there you go. Sheesh! 860 00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:06,160 - No-one gives the nomads much credit in that story, do they? - No, quite! 861 00:40:06,160 --> 00:40:09,800 "He was out there for nine days". "Oh, my whole life!" 862 00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:11,840 Yeah, exactly. 863 00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:13,840 - PHILL LAUGHS - "He walked for six days." 864 00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:16,080 "Oh, get over yourself!" 865 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:17,480 LAUGHTER 866 00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:19,200 I was doing that when I was three. 867 00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:24,000 - "Drinking your own piss? Luxury." - LAUGHTER 868 00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:29,560 But his description of it is really a very good ode to life, isn't it? 869 00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:32,040 He said, "I didn't panic, I just despaired." 870 00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:33,240 There you are. 871 00:40:33,240 --> 00:40:36,360 Anyway, what did Napoleon say to Josephine 872 00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:39,840 - on his way back from a journey? - Ah, I sense a trap! 873 00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:41,880 LAUGHTER 874 00:40:41,880 --> 00:40:45,560 The only thing I know about Napoleon to Josephine was he said, 875 00:40:45,560 --> 00:40:49,080 - what was it? Rob, what was it? - LAUGHTER 876 00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:52,360 Phill? 877 00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:54,040 - LAUGHTER - Cal? 878 00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:58,480 I'm, I'm going to do it! "I'm coming back, don't wash!" 879 00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:01,400 - Oh! - KLAXON BLARES 880 00:41:01,400 --> 00:41:05,360 No, that is one of the two things that people know that Napoleon said. 881 00:41:05,360 --> 00:41:08,840 "Yeah, I shall be home soon, don't wash." Cos he liked them dirty! 882 00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:10,720 There is no evidence of that whatsoever. 883 00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:13,640 The earliest place this quotation can be sourced is 1981. 884 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:15,080 I only know the other one. 885 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:18,040 The other one, which might be...? What? 886 00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:19,680 It's the one... Rob? 887 00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:20,720 LAUGHTER 888 00:41:20,720 --> 00:41:22,400 Phill, you know it. 889 00:41:22,400 --> 00:41:25,720 - Cal, it's... Really? - I'm still stuck on the no washing. 890 00:41:25,720 --> 00:41:28,200 - "Pas ce soir, Josephine." - Oh! - Ah, got away with it! 891 00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:32,400 Josephine, on the right, there, she's got the same black eyes 892 00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:35,400 that all the people in my pictures have got on my computer 893 00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:37,840 when I try and get rid of the red eye. 894 00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:40,320 They end up with massive black dots 895 00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:44,040 and they look like something from a zombie film. 896 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:45,480 I'm sorry you fell into our trap, 897 00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:48,400 but you managed to avoid the trap of, "Not tonight, Josephine," 898 00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:51,200 which is the other thing he was supposed to have said. 899 00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:55,480 That appears in a play, WG Wills play called The Royal Divorce, which didn't come out until 1891, 900 00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:59,400 some 70 years after the death of the Emperor. 901 00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:03,400 - "An army marches on its stomach." - Yes, well, indeed, yes. 902 00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:07,160 - Did he say that? - Unlikely to have said that to Josephine, 903 00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:09,000 - but he might have done. - LAUGHTER 904 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:12,360 I think he meant it more as a, sort of, you know, point about logistics. 905 00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:15,320 Maybe he discussed all sorts of battle stuff? 906 00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:16,680 He might have done. 907 00:42:16,680 --> 00:42:19,880 He said, "I prefer a lucky general to a skilled one," as well. 908 00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:23,840 We don't know anything particular that Josephine and Napoleon might have said to each other 909 00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:28,200 but we do know one thing - "Journeys end in lovers meeting," 910 00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:31,000 - that's Shakespeare... - LAUGHTER 911 00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:32,760 ..and in fourth place. 912 00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:35,240 PHILL LAUGHS 913 00:42:35,240 --> 00:42:37,760 In fourth place, we have, I'm sorry to say 914 00:42:37,760 --> 00:42:42,760 but he did fall into some of our honeytraps rather cumbrously, 915 00:42:42,760 --> 00:42:44,240 Phill Jupitus with minus 16! 916 00:42:44,240 --> 00:42:45,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 917 00:42:48,760 --> 00:42:50,600 And... 918 00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:53,520 our little kiwi fruit is third with minus eight! 919 00:42:53,520 --> 00:42:55,000 Cal Wilson! 920 00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:57,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 921 00:42:59,920 --> 00:43:02,640 But hold the front page... 922 00:43:02,640 --> 00:43:04,560 second, with minus three, Rob Brydon! 923 00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:06,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 924 00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:15,080 With an astonishing plus four, Alan Davies is the winner! 925 00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:16,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 926 00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:27,160 So, that's all from Rob, Phill, Cal, Alan and me. 927 00:43:27,160 --> 00:43:30,560 The last word on journeys comes from Erma Bombeck, who said, 928 00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:34,280 "Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic 929 00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:36,760 "who waved away the dessert cart." 930 00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:38,840 Have a safe trip. Good night. 931 00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:41,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE