1 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:13,240 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:31,960 APPLAUSE 3 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:39,240 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:43,440 and dare I say again, good evening and welcome to QI, 5 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,320 which tonight features Jack and Jill, 6 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:48,640 and indeed John, James, Johannes, 7 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,680 or anybody else whose name begins with J. 8 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:55,160 Let's meet every man Jack of 'em. Jack the Lad, Sue Perkins. 9 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:57,960 APPLAUSE 10 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,360 Jack the Giant Killer, Katy Brand. 11 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:05,720 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:09,160 Mad Jack McMad, winner of last year's Mr Madman competition, 13 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,680 David Mitchell. 14 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:13,480 APPLAUSE 15 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:19,400 And someone who doesn't know Jack. It's Alan Davies. 16 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,120 APPLAUSE 17 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:28,920 So, buzzer-wise, let's hear it for the girls. Katy goes... 18 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:34,480 # Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene. # 19 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,480 - I worship that woman. - Sue goes... 20 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,640 # The Jean Genie lives on his back 21 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:41,320 # The Jean Genie. # 22 00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:43,080 Happy with that. 23 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,840 Good. David goes... 24 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:48,840 # Jennifer Juniper... # 25 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:50,960 Awww. And Alan goes... 26 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:54,200 MUSIC: "Jessica" by The Allman Brothers Band 27 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:55,440 Ah! 28 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:59,520 Ah, now do you know, that's the theme for Top Gear. 29 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:03,440 - Top Gear! - And what's the name of that piece of music? 30 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:06,600 It's hard to think that the most testosterone-driven programme 31 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:10,400 in television history is introduced by Jessica. 32 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:15,160 That's the name of that song. It is. Jessica by the Allman Brothers. 33 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:18,320 And that's the most interesting fact in the world. 34 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:22,680 So, don't forget, we are looking for names beginning with J. 35 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:25,560 Who dies if they don't have sex for a year? 36 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,560 Is it Russell Brand? 37 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,760 SIREN WAILS 38 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:37,720 Good night! Bye-bye! 39 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,880 - I fear we were there before you, Sue. - Yeah, you were. 40 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:44,080 He so doesn't begin with a J. Jo Brand does, but she may die, I don't know. 41 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:48,440 - No, it's two years before Jo Brand dies. - Yeah, exactly. 42 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,360 I suspect it's not a human. 43 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,080 Correctly correctington. 44 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,480 - It's something other... - It is from the animal kingdom. 45 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:57,120 I actually conducted an experiment many years ago to see 46 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:00,520 if you could survive a year without having sex, 47 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,920 and I'm happy to tell you that yes, you can. 48 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:07,280 I was worried your experiment was going to be that you'd had sex 49 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,200 with a variety of animals to see. 50 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:12,000 It wasn't clear to me that it was you, 51 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,560 it sounded to me like you had someone in a room locked up 52 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,920 for a year just to see if they would die without sex. 53 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,600 - They were the control. - They were the control, yeah. 54 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:25,560 - While you were freely roaming. - Yes. And as it turned out, neither of us had sex. 55 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:28,680 Could you not have saved each other by having sex with one another? 56 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,600 I think if you put someone in a room and then you have sex with them, 57 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,040 that's a crime. 58 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:37,040 So it's an animal and it's going to begin with a J? 59 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:40,440 Well, yes, though the species of animal doesn't begin with J. 60 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:43,960 - Right. - It's just that the particular gender begins with a J. 61 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:47,000 It's a furry mammal often kept as a pet. And the male... 62 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,680 - Cat, dog, rabbit, hamster, gerbil... - Cow?! 63 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,400 Cat! Gerbil. 64 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,640 No, you were closer with gerbil. 65 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,520 - A ferret. - A ferret. - Ferret. 66 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:57,680 - Now, what's a male ferret called? - Jeff. 67 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,960 - He might be. - They're actually, they begin with H. 68 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,600 They're called a hob. 69 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,760 - A hob? - But a female is called a... 70 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:06,960 Jenny? 71 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,920 - Not a Jenny, but it might as well be, almost. - Julia. - Jennifer. - No. 72 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,320 A June. Judy. 73 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,400 # Jolene, Jolene... # 74 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:17,560 - It's not Jolene. That would be so pleasing. - Jane. 75 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,520 No, it's a jill. 76 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,640 - How did we not get Jill? - A hob and a jill. Who knows why these...? 77 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,720 A hob and a jill. That doesn't go. 78 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:27,160 These are medieval assignations. It's extraordinary. 79 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:28,400 It sounds like a dance. 80 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:32,200 And what happens on, is it literally on day 365, they just explode? 81 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:35,840 It's a leap year! Come on! 82 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:42,280 In mid-summer they become oestrus, they're on heat. 83 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:44,600 - The poor jill, the poor female ferret. - Jill Ferret. 84 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,240 Jill Ferret, yeah, 85 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,880 and if she hasn't had sex, she carries on producing oestrogen, 86 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:51,600 she gets aplastic anaemia and dies. 87 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:54,760 - So she basically boils to death of heat. - Yeah, kind of. 88 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,240 So what you have to do if you have a pet female ferret, 89 00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,320 - is either spay her... - Shag it. - Sleep with her. 90 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,600 No... 91 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:07,080 - Treat her nice. - It would be the ultimate sacrifice. 92 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:11,960 - Find a hob for her. - Find a hob for her, you don't shag her, Katy. - And then cook her on the hob, yeah. 93 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,440 Well, you can give injections. You can give injections. 94 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,920 It's easier to have sex with her, really. 95 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:20,520 It's going to take away some of the pride in the conquest 96 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:24,000 from the male ferret, isn't it? You know, towards the end of the summer. 97 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:27,400 The male ferret is very ferocious. They have a hooked penis. 98 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:28,760 Do they have a bone in there? 99 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:33,160 They don't, like a badger, that's good, though. It's a hook, really. 100 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:36,320 And so it's up to the male to unhook himself when he's satisfied. 101 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:39,560 - He also bites the back of the neck of the female. - It sounds like fun. 102 00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:40,960 It sounds like Russell Brand! 103 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,840 "Come 'ere, love!" 104 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:49,400 So yeah, there's your ferret. And it comes from the Latin, "furritus", which means? 105 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:50,680 "Have sex with me or die." 106 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,360 It means, actually, "little thief". 107 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,720 - Oh. - They're always nicking things. 108 00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,960 That ferret looks very sweet there 109 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:03,040 and doesn't look like the sort of ferret that would hook you 110 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,640 with a bone in its penis. 111 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,720 But that's how they get you in, isn't it? 112 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,000 - Exactly. - They get you with the eyes, the soft eyes. 113 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,560 - Yeah, they look so loveable. - Then comes the boomerang cock. 114 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,600 Apparently, flatworms fight with their penises like swords. 115 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:23,680 And the one that loses gets stabbed and becomes a girl. 116 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:28,600 - That's a brilliant system. - So they do these fights, and they've both got penises, fight, fight, argh! 117 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,680 It's like fencing, but when the rapier goes in, it becomes a lady 118 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:32,760 and has to give birth. 119 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,760 But that's win-win for the victorious one, 120 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:39,880 - because they win and then they get to have a shag... - Yeah. 121 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,560 ..with the newly formed female. 122 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:45,120 Whereas the loser gets hurt and then suddenly develops breasts. 123 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,680 - And violated. - Feels violated and then has a baby. 124 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,680 Let's not get all women's lib about this. 125 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,840 Let's leave that. 126 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:56,760 Anyway, what made Mad Jack so mad? 127 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,040 Something he ate, I expect. 128 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:04,520 - Had he been on holiday? - That's a mad Jack, that's a very familiar... 129 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:08,400 People are always eating things, or there's stuff in paint, that makes you mad, doesn't it? 130 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,320 But no, it's really, where does the phrase Mad Jack come from? 131 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,640 - Why Mad Jack? - The original Mad Jack. 132 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,680 They go back quite a long way. It's basically applied to anybody, 133 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,760 whether they're named John or Jack or not. They're just called Mad Jack 134 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:21,000 and no-one quite knows why. 135 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,080 - Who was the first Mad Jack? - Very hard to trace. Very hard to trace. 136 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:28,360 There was Mad Jack Mytton, who was a very eccentric aristocrat, 137 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:32,400 who paid ?10 to a thousand of the constituents of Shrewsbury 138 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:36,160 for their vote, which is the equivalent of ?750,000 139 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:39,360 in today's money. That was in 1819 140 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,880 - and he was elected to be the member for Shrewsbury. - No shit! 141 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:47,040 Sounds broadly similar to our current system. 142 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:49,200 And also similar to our current system is, 143 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,280 he found debating incredibly boring, 144 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:55,360 he only attended one session of Parliament, for 30 minutes, 145 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,320 having paid ?750,000 for the privilege. 146 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,240 And stood down in the next year, 1820. 147 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,280 - It's a hobby. - If you're an aristocrat, 148 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:04,840 you're eccentric, aren't you? 149 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:08,680 - But if you're poor, you're just mad and you're a loony. I know. - And you end up in an asylum. 150 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,400 Though he did end his days 151 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,520 in a debtors' prison, he lost all his money. 152 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:18,040 He used to...he once set fire to his night shirt to cure his hiccups. 153 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:23,080 That would probably work, but it's not actually a shock, is it? 154 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:24,440 No, it's not. 155 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:26,200 If you can get someone else to do it 156 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,840 when you're not expecting it, then that's a shock. 157 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:32,920 Although it could end up in a sort of Clouseau-Cato scenario, 158 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,200 where it's impossible to explain to someone 159 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:39,000 that it's no longer necessary for them to find a moment to set fire to your pyjamas. 160 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,240 Did he wake up in the burns unit and go... 161 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,840 - Oh! - HE HICCUPS 162 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:47,640 Oh! 163 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,600 He also liked to get up in the middle of the night 164 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,720 and shoot ducks while he was naked. 165 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:55,920 - Naked duck shooting. - SUE: Was there any reason for the nudity? 166 00:08:55,920 --> 00:09:00,200 He probably thought, "They're naked, why shouldn't I be?" 167 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,200 Is it wrong to be starting to slightly fall in love with this man? 168 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,240 I know what you mean. 169 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,800 You might fall in love with Charles Howard, 170 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:09,680 who was the 20th Earl of Suffolk. 171 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:13,440 And during the war, he went into Nazi-occupied Paris 172 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:19,920 and he rescued 10 million worth of industrial diamonds 173 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,920 and all the heavy water that the Germans had. 174 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:27,320 But he also managed to bring back 50 nuclear scientists from Paris. 175 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,680 This is all during the time the Nazis were occupying. 176 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,240 So he was described by Harold Macmillan as a kind of cross 177 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,680 between Francis Drake and the Scarlet Pimpernel. 178 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:35,840 He was a very brave man. 179 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,160 He then trained himself to be able to defuse bombs 180 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,920 and had his own bomb disposal unit, 181 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:44,840 which was his secretary, Eileen, and his chauffeur, Fred. 182 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:48,400 When you say he trained himself, that's quite hardcore. 183 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,200 - It is. - There's only one way to go if you get it wrong. - Yeah. 184 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:55,280 Well, he did unfortunately get it wrong, on his... I think his 35th bomb, 185 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:58,320 aged 34, 35 or something, so he was, he was a good Mad Jack. 186 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,600 There was Mad Jack Churchill as well, in the Second World War. 187 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,600 And he was the only soldier known to have gone into battle 188 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:08,800 in the Second World War armed with...what weapon of choice? 189 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,120 Teapot. 190 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:12,680 SUE: A dessert spoon. 191 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,320 Sorry, cosy. Tea cosy. 192 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,600 - A tea cosy! - SUE: A cheese slicer. - A bow and arrow. 193 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:20,200 Did he know what decade or even what century he was in? 194 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,880 - He was a gallant, chivalrous man. - "Marvellous stuff!" 195 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:26,160 And also, he would have a sword on the battlefield. 196 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:29,640 That's even stupider, isn't it? Because if you've got a bow and arrow, 197 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,600 you can't use a sword at the same time. 198 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:36,280 He thought no gentleman was dressed for battle unless they had a sword. 199 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,800 And he also said that if you smile at the enemy, 200 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,680 they're less likely to shoot you. 201 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:41,880 And he was... 202 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,440 SUE: I wonder how he died! 203 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,960 No, he was taken prisoner, in fact. 204 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,840 Because he was so charming. 205 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:53,040 Who is that devastating man with the lovely smile? 206 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,920 He was actually housed at Sachsenhausen, 207 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,720 which was the VIP prison camp. 208 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:01,600 The Germans thought he was related to Winston Churchill, which he wasn't. 209 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,160 Mad Jack Churchill. 210 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:06,320 Anyway, Mad Jack Churchill didn't die until 1996, so he had 211 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:10,800 a more fortunate life than Charles Howard, 20th Earl of Suffolk. 212 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,200 There's a load of Jacks. 213 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,640 But how did Queen Jenga arrange her harem? 214 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,400 Oh, was it like that and then that and then that? 215 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,680 Three rows that way and then three rows... 216 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:24,040 SIREN WAILS 217 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:25,840 For you! 218 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:30,200 You're being so kind. She was quite a piece of work, Queen Jenga. 219 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,840 Bow and arrow and sword, apparently. 220 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,200 And sword, exactly. 221 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,680 He didn't think of the bells, though. 222 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,200 - No, the bells... - That would have clinched it for him. 223 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:42,800 - That would have been a good... - That's just to make people look up. Ding ding ding! Who is it? 224 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:47,000 She was a 17th-century member of the Royal Family of... 225 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,040 Well, she killed her brother, who was called Ngola, 226 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,160 after which the country Angola is named, 227 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,400 supposedly her nephew as well, and ate his heart. 228 00:11:55,400 --> 00:12:00,200 And she liked men to fight each other to death 229 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,680 and the winner would sleep with her for the night 230 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,440 and then be killed in the morning. 231 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:06,000 So she was... 232 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,560 What's the incentive to then enter the competition? 233 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:12,360 You're killed either way, so it's whether you get a shag or you're killed without one. 234 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,160 But what kind of shag would you have 235 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,840 when you know at the end of it, you're going to get murdered? 236 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:20,360 I mean, that is one tense coitus. 237 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:24,640 I think Mr Tiggy would probably be a bit shrivelly, wouldn't he? 238 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,360 Yes, Mr Tiggy would. 239 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,400 Is that not a universal name? 240 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,440 Oh, my goodness. 241 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,200 Too much Mr Tiggy information. 242 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:40,000 There must be the promise of a reprieve. 243 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:43,080 Well, you'd think if you were really, really good. 244 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:46,600 "If you really please me, I will not kill you with my bells." 245 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,840 "Or my sword or my big bag." 246 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,600 What's the bell for? 247 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,680 Is that to just give somebody tinnitus 248 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:57,400 - before they're eviscerated, or something? - Room service. 249 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:58,720 She was not a... 250 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:00,040 You rang? 251 00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:03,160 She was not a kindly soul, it must be said. 252 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,800 But what of the game Jenga? What do we know of its origins? 253 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:09,560 - I want to say it's Scandinavian. - Does it mean something? 254 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:11,120 It does mean something. 255 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:14,720 It's a Swahili word, so it is African. 256 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,760 Swahili for "timber!" 257 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:21,280 Actually, the reverse. It's the Swahili for to build 258 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,360 and it was invented by a woman called Leslie Scott 259 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,000 and she's still with us, I think, so it is pretty recent. 260 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,360 You can always get giant versions of it. 261 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:32,040 We had a giant one. We thought it'd be a great thing to have 262 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:34,520 at a party with lots of toddlers around, but actually, 263 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:39,160 - three or four of them got quite severely injured. - Whoops! 264 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:41,880 You build them up and say, "The kids will like that," 265 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:46,160 and you wonder off and have a glass of Pimm's and suddenly there's... 266 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,600 - Blood everywhere! - Yeah. 267 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,280 Slaughter! Infanticide! 268 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,480 Buried underneath a lot of... 269 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:55,040 "Where's Timmy?" "I don't know." 270 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:57,360 "He's under the Jenga!" 271 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:02,440 - That's an extremely middle-class form of neglect, isn't it? - Yeah. 272 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,800 Crushed by the Jenga. 273 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:08,600 - I've never liked Jenga. - Yes, why does it have to be plain wood? 274 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,320 It makes it look like it was invented at the time of Boudica. 275 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,720 - It could be colourful wood. - There are versions with coloured wood. 276 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,760 There are adult truth-or-dare versions, 277 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,920 there are rolling dice versions. 278 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:21,240 People have tried all kinds of variations. 279 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:25,880 What about a Lego version? And then, you know... 280 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,240 Too easy, do you think? 281 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,360 Trying to get one out would not be easy. 282 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,880 You could play it with cement and bricks. 283 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:34,640 Then you're just building a house. 284 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,080 It's just construction. 285 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,480 Gold bars! 286 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,600 Well, the only limit is your imagination. 287 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:45,680 Surely that's not Jenga's slogan, is it? 288 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:49,280 I'd say there are severe limits to that game 289 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:52,400 within even my limited imagination. 290 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:56,520 - I think their slogan is - (DEEP AMERICAN VOICE) - "This summer..." 291 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,480 "Logs will fall." 292 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,560 Are the children safe? "Waah!" 293 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:06,320 Oh, my God, yeah! It's like The Borrowers. 294 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:07,840 How many pieces are there? 295 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,120 - 90. - Too many. - What? 296 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:13,680 - 90. - No, it's got to be a number that's divisible by three. 297 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:17,360 - Intelligence. That's nice to hear. - 90 is a number divisible by three. 298 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:19,760 Divisible by three. 299 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,800 335! 300 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,440 I said 90! 301 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,320 Well, that's true, it is. 302 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:28,800 APPLAUSE 303 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,760 Hoist by my own petard! 304 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:33,280 Are there not 90, then? 305 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,120 - No, there are 54. 18 rows. - A triple 18. 306 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,840 I'm quite good with threes, because of the dartboard. 307 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:41,200 54, also divisible by three. 308 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,240 You can tell whether a number is divisible by three if you add up... 309 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:45,600 Like 54, you add the five and four 310 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:48,480 and if that's divisible by three, the number is divisible by three. 311 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:52,240 - That's very true. - Where were you when I was seven? 312 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:55,520 If it's divisible by nine, you add the numbers and they add up to nine. 313 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,880 - 81, 72... - Oh, God! 314 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:01,480 - 54 again. - Does it work over 100? 315 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,480 Yes, always. Nine's a freakish, fantastic, great number. 316 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,160 You add up the digits until you come to a single number. 317 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,120 108, 117, 126, 318 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:12,800 - 135, 144, 153... - All add up to nine. 319 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,240 All working. 162. How long have we got? 320 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,160 You've lost me, I'm afraid. 321 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:18,560 171, 180, yeah. 322 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:22,240 It is amazing, isn't it? It's really just, "Coo-wow!" 323 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:26,280 - Maybe God's a mathematician. - Up to 180, and then 189... 324 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:30,160 - Is still... - Yeah, is 17 + 1, which is 18, and 8 + 1 is 9. 325 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,760 - Oh, you can do it that way? - Yes, it still reduces down to nine. 326 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:36,120 - And keep going? - Until you get it down to a single number. 327 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:39,280 I don't know whether to cry or wet myself with excitement. 328 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,160 I'm going to do both. 329 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:42,440 I always do both. 330 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,520 Exciting news for home learners! 331 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,880 Describe the best ever game of royal hide and seek. 332 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:53,680 Well, I presume the Hampton Court Maze is involved. 333 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,640 Well, no, actually. That's just sort of giving an example. 334 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,160 Oh, no. 335 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:00,360 - Up the tree. The Royal Oak. - That's certainly... 336 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,640 that was pretty good. I mean, he hid. 337 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:05,120 The princes in the Tower, and they hid so well 338 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:07,960 that it was hundreds of years and then they were skeletons. 339 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,280 Is it any game of hide and seek 340 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,560 in which you never find Prince Edward again? 341 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:15,840 No. Remember, we're in the world of Js. 342 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:19,000 Now, the Civil War, Charles I. 343 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:22,040 - John. - No, Charles I had two sons. - There's a J in it. 344 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,800 Charles, who became Charles II. 345 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,840 - And James... - Who became? - James I. 346 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,160 - No. - James II. 347 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,800 It makes sense, because The Second was their surname 348 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:30,960 and they were brothers. 349 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:33,480 SUE: That's what, yeah. 350 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,720 KATY: They're like the boys from the band Blue. 351 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,320 - There's Duncan from Blue, and there's Simon from Blue. - Yeah. 352 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:41,320 - They're all related as well, aren't they? - Well, 353 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,960 James was imprisoned at St James's Palace. 354 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,760 Named not after him, but the saint, of course. 355 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,160 Oh, what an ordeal(!) 356 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,920 Yeah, I know. He used to play hide and seek and he was so good at it 357 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:54,560 that the servants would spend hours looking for him and... 358 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:57,360 Oh, they wouldn't look for him at all. 359 00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,760 He'd be hiding and they'd go and have lunch. 360 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:02,880 "Another game of hide and seek?" "Yes." 361 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,160 "Oh, we couldn't find you, sir." 362 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,560 It was all part of his plan, 363 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,560 because one day he managed to get hold of the gardener's key, 364 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:12,760 and while playing hide and seek he actually escaped from the Palace 365 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:16,120 and met up with a Colonel Blumpstead, or some similar name, 366 00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:20,160 who was a royalist, as you would be if you were called Blumpstead. 367 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,880 "Oh, Blumpstead, Blumpstead!" 368 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:27,040 And he escaped to Holland, where he lived a happy life. 369 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,000 It was actually Bampfield, not Blumpstead. 370 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,080 But still, "Bampfield" is clearly a royalist. 371 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,640 So are you saying the hide and seek prowess was sort of 372 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,040 all part of the strategy, or that was just a happy...? 373 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,840 - Yeah, preparing for an escape. - Oh, I see. - At the age of 12. 374 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:41,080 It's like the Shawshank Redemption. 375 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,000 Yeah, except he was 12, which is impressive. 376 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,320 - He was 12?! - He was 12, so it's quite impressive. 377 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:46,640 - He was only 12. - Brilliant. 378 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,840 How does he come into contact with Major Bampfield? 379 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:52,480 I guess secret messages were passed in some way... 380 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:54,640 I'd dread to think, now I know he's 12. 381 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:57,560 You've got to be careful as a boy, running away with a random colonel. 382 00:18:57,560 --> 00:18:59,040 - To Amsterdam. - Especially... 383 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:02,480 You can't be sure. I mean, he might be a royalist, or... 384 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:05,560 Especially to Amsterdam, yes, quite. No, you're right. 385 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,400 "Come with me, it's going to be such fun." 386 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,200 "No, really, I am seriously a colonel." 387 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:19,880 Possibly the saddest story of hide and seek that you can think of, 388 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,840 although it has a kind of happy ending, is Liu Wei, 389 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,280 a Chinese pianist who was playing hide and seek 390 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:31,200 and he electrocuted himself so badly that he lost both his arms 391 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,720 so he learnt to play the piano with his toes, and in 2010, 392 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,920 he won China's Got Talent! 393 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,760 - Which is rather pleasing. - So he can play, and all of his toes work...? 394 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,760 They look like fingers. It's astonishing, really amazing. 395 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:49,000 Are you sure he just hasn't got his head in the wrong place? 396 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:53,120 He's got his hands down a pair of trousers. 397 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,440 "Look at my toes! Look at my toes! 398 00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,880 "Now I take my socks off... 399 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:03,800 "Playing the piano with my toes, everyone!" 400 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,920 He's saying he's a man who can play the piano with his feet. 401 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,320 He's a man with a penis that looks like a face. 402 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,560 Still, he wins China's Got Talent. 403 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,840 I'm sure Si-mon Cao-wel 404 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:18,240 would have checked out his credentials in every respect. 405 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,920 So, while on the subject of King James's, 406 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:25,720 imagine that Jamie Oliver was to be crowned the next king of England. 407 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,000 - It's sort of... - Not inconceivable. 408 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,400 Not inconceivable in the strange world in which we live. 409 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:31,480 President Oliver. 410 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,200 What number James would he be? 411 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,080 What would be his regnal number, as the official says it? 412 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,520 It would be different in England from Scotland. 413 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,200 No, there's just one UK, so it would be the same in both, 414 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,640 but what would it be? 415 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,320 I'm desperate to say James III. 416 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:47,000 SIREN WAILS Yes! 417 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,960 No. 418 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:53,000 No, because what happened was, when Elizabeth was crowned, 419 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:57,720 60 years ago, she was of course called Queen Elizabeth II. 420 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:00,480 But in Scotland, there was a bit of an outcry. 421 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,480 Because she wasn't the second Queen Elizabeth in Scotland, 422 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,040 she was the first. 423 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,760 They had Mary Queen of Scots 424 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:09,600 when Elizabeth I was on the throne. 425 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:14,280 So a few early "E II R" pillar boxes were trashed in Scotland 426 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:15,720 and there was a big fuss. 427 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,880 And Winston Churchill, who was Prime Minister in 1953, 428 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:20,520 he sort of decided that there... 429 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,800 This is 350 years later! 430 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:25,280 I know, people have long memories on these things. 431 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,760 So Churchill essentially laid down a convention 432 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:32,800 whereby UK monarchs would be numbered uniformly 433 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,520 according to either an English or Scottish reckoning, 434 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:36,960 whichever was higher. 435 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,440 So James I of England was James the..? 436 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,040 Sixth. 437 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:45,680 ..VI of Scotland. So James II was James VII, 438 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,960 so if there were another James, he would be called James VIII. 439 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,400 That would be the procedure. 440 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,080 I worry when you say things like this 441 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:57,080 that you're the only person who knows 442 00:21:57,080 --> 00:22:01,160 and if Jamie Oliver did become king and you weren't around to tell them, 443 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,120 - they might get it wrong. - That's sweet. 444 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:06,920 You need to leave these things in a notebook somewhere. 445 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,960 We need to get some tablets for you to... 446 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,400 Princess Anne looks a lot like my daughter in that picture, quite disturbingly. 447 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,960 Gosh! She's very young there, isn't she? 448 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:19,400 I feel sorry for all the other finalists to be Queen. 449 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:23,160 APPLAUSE 450 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,600 There is also unresolved controversy over the naming of the QE2. 451 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,760 Do you know what this might be? 452 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:36,240 Well, I've always wondered, 453 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:40,520 I was never sure whether the QE2 was named after Queen Elizabeth II, 454 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,120 - or was the second ship called Queen Elizabeth? - Yes. 455 00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:45,000 Because there's a Queen Mary 2. 456 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:48,120 Exactly. The second vessel of the Cunard line to be called Queen Mary. 457 00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:51,320 And opinion is divided, but a lot of people think it was literally 458 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,640 just the second ship to be called Queen Elizabeth. 459 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,040 But the Queen herself, when launching it, saying, 460 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,440 "I name this ship Queen Elizabeth The Second" 461 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,160 so Cunard had to rename it, basically, because she'd done it. 462 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:05,880 I was once invited to the launching of a Swan Hellenic cruise liner 463 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:09,720 and they said, "So, you say your speech, and then you hand over 464 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,400 "to Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, who will do the launching." 465 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:15,000 I said, "Oh, I'm not going to do the launching?" 466 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,480 They said, "You can't launch a ship! 467 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,200 "You're a man!" Did you know that men can't launch ships? 468 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,760 - So only women can launch ships? - Yes, because I think 469 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:26,200 - it was Edward VII or someone... - It's bad luck, isn't it? 470 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,080 launched the Lusitania and the Titanic 471 00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:30,720 and marine people are quite superstitious. 472 00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:34,160 And women moan about the glass ceiling! 473 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:37,280 We can't even launch ships! 474 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,440 We don't want top-level employment, 475 00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:42,120 we just want to smash a bottle of champagne against a ship. 476 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:47,600 - Everyone wants to launch ships. It's the best job! - It's just that. 477 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:50,320 You've got to say, "I name this ship..." 478 00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:53,160 - "Barry." - "Barry." - Smash. 479 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:56,960 - Yeah. - So there is indeed controversy. Opinion is divided. 480 00:23:56,960 --> 00:24:02,920 How does the Siberian Jay stick his nuts to a tree? 481 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:04,680 LAUGHTER 482 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:08,840 - It's not snot? - It's not. - Beak mucus? 483 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,080 - Saliva. - Tears? - He uses saliva. 484 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:14,120 Tears! (RUSSIAN VOICE) "Oh, it's so cold here. 485 00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,000 "Thank God my nuts have stuck." 486 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:22,200 90% of all the oaks in Britain 487 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:25,800 are germinated, as it were, by the European Jay. 488 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:29,200 They collect over a billion a year 489 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,440 and bury them in the ground. 490 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,280 They can have nine in their gullet and one in their beak. 491 00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:37,120 Is it from whole acorns or is it because they've eaten them? 492 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,320 They hold them in their gullet, then bury them 493 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,320 in the same way squirrels do with nuts, but the point is, 494 00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:45,480 the Siberian Jay lives in a very cold climate, of course, 495 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:48,320 and it's harder to bury things cos of the impacted ice 496 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:51,880 so it sticks the nuts it gets from its trees 497 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,720 with its saliva to the tree itself. 498 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:58,440 - Does that mean you get trees growing off trees? - It's like the jay... 499 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:00,000 I imagine after a night out, 500 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,560 it would be the Siberian Jay version of a street of kebab shops. 501 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:08,960 They can just fly down an avenue of trees, just snacking... 502 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:12,120 - On a snotty nut! - It's probably quite lucky, isn't it, 503 00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:15,720 that nothing germinates from a discarded kebab? 504 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,360 Our city centres would be even worse. 505 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:25,920 These little disgusting saplings with doner meat coming off them. 506 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:29,040 Oh, a very Doctor Who nightmare, isn't it? 507 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:33,760 Anyway, how did the first person to realise they were colour-blind 508 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:35,880 know they were colour-blind? 509 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:39,400 Did they say, "Ah, the red shoots of spring"? 510 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,560 Undoubtedly someone would have corrected them. 511 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,960 "I'm giving a green light to a bull." 512 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,600 Do you know the name for the classic sort of colour-blindness? 513 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,920 I know the guy who it was, a guy called John Dalton. 514 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:54,000 That's right! That's right, John Dalton. 515 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:55,840 Well done. Points, definitely. 516 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:59,880 There he is. He was a very brilliant and precocious child 517 00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:03,800 from a Quaker family. By the age of 12, he was supervising the school 518 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:07,240 but he made a rather drastic error, given that he was a Quaker 519 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,440 and therefore from a rather pious family 520 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:13,640 and he decided to buy his mother a pair of bloomers... 521 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,840 they weren't bloomers in those days, a pair of stockings, 522 00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:18,000 for her birthday 523 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,800 and they were a vivid red and he thought they were blue. 524 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:24,920 And she was shocked, because red was the colour of a whore. 525 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:29,320 And to buy your mother red pants was just not done. 526 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,080 Buying your mother pants is normal! 527 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,920 Buying red pants, that's weird. 528 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,280 But the other thing is, 529 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:41,760 he noticed that his brother didn't tell the difference either 530 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:46,600 so made the connection, which holds true, that there is a genetic disposition to colour-blindness. 531 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,000 So he's the first person to point out it's generic 532 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:51,040 because his brother also has the condition 533 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,920 - and this is obviously pre-genetics. - Not genetic, 534 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:57,200 but family, sort of related, inherited traits were understood. 535 00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:00,360 He actually thought the reason for it 536 00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:02,680 was that the liquid in the eye which we all have 537 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,520 was tinted blue, which was making him see wrong 538 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:10,040 and when he died, he'd ordered that his eyeballs be dug out and squirted 539 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:13,040 and that instantly proved that they weren't tinted blue. 540 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:16,520 We now know that it's a problem with the cones of the eye. 541 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:20,280 - Is there red-blue colour-blindness? I thought it was just red-green. - Red-green, yes, 542 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:22,760 but they see it as a kind of... I say they, 543 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,960 there are lots of different types of colour-blindness. Strangely, 544 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:29,800 there are four top 20 billiards... snooker players, I beg your pardon, 545 00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:32,840 - Peter Ebdon, of course, who are colour-blind. - That'll be awkward. 546 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,800 Just occasionally, they have to ask the referee which ball... 547 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:39,120 Which is the table and which is the ball? 548 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,640 He can't be doing well there, if you look. All the reds are over there. 549 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:46,280 He's ground his way into a World Championship 550 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:48,200 so it's not done him any harm. 551 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:51,160 You know traffic police play snooker? Did you know about that? 552 00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:53,920 They're bored in a lay-by, 553 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:56,720 they first have to book a red car and that's one point, 554 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,600 so they chase the red car, find something wrong with it, 555 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:03,360 give them a fine because they've got one rear light missing 556 00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:05,280 and then they can choose any colour. 557 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:07,840 Say they'll go for a black car for seven points, 558 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:09,640 then a blue car will be five points, 559 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:12,000 then they go back to red until they've done 15 reds. 560 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:13,560 Let's all get white cars. 561 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,000 Then they can just fuck off. 562 00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,240 APPLAUSE 563 00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:28,400 I'd say worse things have been done in a lay-by than that. 564 00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:33,120 Horribly true. Horribly, horribly, horribly true. 565 00:28:33,120 --> 00:28:35,880 But yes, that was Dalton's problem. 566 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,480 He's sure that his mother wasn't also colour-blind 567 00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:41,520 but just didn't like being bought pants by her child? 568 00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:44,040 I think we're pretty certain about that. 569 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:45,960 I think it was perhaps more normal 570 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,360 to buy stockings, shall we say, for a lady. 571 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:52,520 It's just nothing, just suspenders, something normal to buy your mother. 572 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:54,800 A little frilly... 573 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:56,560 A French little tunic. 574 00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:59,560 Everyone likes their mother to look sexy. 575 00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:03,400 Sexy and blue, not red, because that makes her look a bit whorey. 576 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:07,240 - That's going too far. - "Oh, David. Ann Summers vouchers again!" 577 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:11,160 Is there a big drawer full of Ann Summers vouchers? 578 00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:17,240 I love that Agent Provocateur Christmas... 579 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:19,480 What... 580 00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,280 What do you know of the colour-blind test cards? 581 00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:25,400 What are you seeing on there? 582 00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:26,720 The number 74. 583 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:28,360 Very clear. Well done. 584 00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:31,480 I can see it, but not very clearly. 585 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:34,520 - So what does it mean they can't become? - Pilots? 586 00:29:34,520 --> 00:29:37,520 - Well, no, oddly enough. - Snooker players. No, of course not. 587 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,400 - We know they can be world champions. - Bullfighters. - Actually, 588 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:43,080 it's a myth that you can't be a pilot if you're colour-blind. 589 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:45,840 It's only if you're very severely colour-blind 590 00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:49,920 - that you're disallowed. - You can't tell the difference between the blue sky and the green land? 591 00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:52,320 - Yes, something like that. - And the grey tarmac. 592 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,720 The very worst kind of colour-blindness, or "blindness". 593 00:29:56,920 --> 00:30:00,240 Anyway, they're called the Ishihara tests, 594 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:03,720 devised by Shinobu Ishihara, who worked at a military medical school 595 00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:06,560 and was asked to screen military recruits for abnormalities 596 00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:10,200 for colour vision. The first plate, that's an orange number 12, 597 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:13,720 I'm sure you can see. This was used in the army to weed out draft dodgers 598 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:17,400 because if they pretended they couldn't see that it was a 12, 599 00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,520 they knew they were lying, as everyone who can see 600 00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:22,960 can see that's a 12. There's no kind of colour-blindness 601 00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:24,360 that can mistake those two. 602 00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:27,040 And I was feeling proud of being able to see it. 603 00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:29,600 But don't despair if you're colour-blind. 604 00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:31,480 There is one advantage you might have. 605 00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:33,200 Can you think what that would be? 606 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:38,520 Ration books? Something with colour? 607 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:40,920 No, you're less likely to be fooled by camouflage. 608 00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:44,720 Because the tamarind, the New World monkey, is colour-blind. 609 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:48,240 - Ration books was a rubbish guess! - The tamarind is much, much better 610 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,680 at eating insects that are disguised as leaves or twigs or whatever 611 00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:54,800 than other mammals or birds who eat insects 612 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:58,720 because they rely on colour more for identifying things, 613 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,080 so colour-blind people were used often 614 00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:05,080 for spotting... "Ah, I can see tanks covered in a drape," for example. 615 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:06,240 What begins with J 616 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:09,440 and was used by the first man to row the Atlantic to attempt suicide? 617 00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:10,600 Jizz. 618 00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:15,480 Suicide by jizz? 619 00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:18,640 On any level, I mean... 620 00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:22,960 Jill the ferret, sex-starved for 364 days, 621 00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:24,880 attacked him in an erotic frenzy. 622 00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:26,320 MUSIC: "Jessica" 623 00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:27,560 Jellyfish. 624 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:30,880 - That's... - That's something that can kill you and they are in the sea. 625 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:32,800 You're right. It's slightly confusing. 626 00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:35,320 He just happened to be the first man to row the Atlantic. 627 00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:37,400 - But it wasn't while he was on the boat? - No. 628 00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:38,960 He was a very extraordinary... 629 00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:42,880 As a child, he nicked a pistol from his Scout troop leader 630 00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:44,680 and fired at his fellow Scouts 631 00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:48,560 - and was expelled from the Scout movement... - And got a badge for it. 632 00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:49,880 - Accuracy! - Yes! 633 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:52,760 But then at age 13, he ran away from home to live in the jungle. 634 00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:56,640 In his early 20s, he met a pirate, who taught him to be a pirate 635 00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:58,960 and he pirated his way around the Caribbean, 636 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,560 smuggling liquor and cigarettes and things 637 00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:03,600 and then in 1969, January 20th, 638 00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:08,240 he pushed off from the Canary Islands in a self-rising rowing boat 639 00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:10,160 and rowed all the way to Florida. 640 00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:13,480 It took him 180 days and he was the first person to do that. 641 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:17,160 But it was when he was in the jungle in South America 642 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,600 that he despaired of his life 643 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:23,520 and so he wanted to be killed by something beginning with J. 644 00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:24,760 Oh. Is it a jaguar? 645 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:28,280 Is the right answer! Jaguar! Exactly. 646 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:31,160 APPLAUSE 647 00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,800 So what did he do? Did he go out in a meat skirt and a meat helmet 648 00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:38,320 - and just wait there in the middle of the jungle? - Well, in a sense... 649 00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:40,760 No, he just wound them up all night by teasing them. 650 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:43,360 "You look like a cougar. No-one can tell the difference. 651 00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:44,640 "You're a panther!" 652 00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:46,920 He kept a gun by his side in case he changed his mind 653 00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:49,440 and as the jaguar attacked, he did change his mind 654 00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:51,280 and shot it dead and then sold its skin, 655 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:54,080 - so it was a bit, frankly, unfair on the jaguar. - So he didn't die? 656 00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:56,080 So he was just lying? Basically lying? 657 00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:58,880 He really wanted to end his life so he went out and aggravated... 658 00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:02,360 - He had a gun! - He also had a spear! - I know, if he really meant it... 659 00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:04,640 I don't believe this bloke! I'm sorry. 660 00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:07,880 "I don't know how to kill myself. 661 00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:10,800 "I'm going to wait here for a big cat to arrive." 662 00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:12,640 Sit here winding up jaguars for days. 663 00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:14,480 He was just doing it for attention. 664 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:16,240 Yes, I think so. 665 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:19,760 The J part of it is that his name is John Fairfax, and if you look up 666 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:22,920 who the first person to row the Atlantic single-handed was, 667 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:27,440 - it was John. - Good old Johnny Fairfax. - Absolutely. 668 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:30,040 Now, who's this? What are they doing? 669 00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:32,200 "I thought it would be ten times as exciting 670 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:34,440 "as a swing boat at the fair, but it wasn't. 671 00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:37,080 "There was no sensation, just a lot of noise and wind. 672 00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:39,400 "My hair was blown into a tangled mess 673 00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:42,040 "which couldn't be combed out for days." 674 00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:44,720 The inventor of the hairdryer. 675 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:49,560 Is it Brian May on the latest Thorpe Park ride? 676 00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:54,520 Well, we're with a transport experience and this person 677 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:58,480 was famous for their achievement in it, but the first time they tried it 678 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:00,720 - they found it horrible, noisy, windy. - Amy Johnson? 679 00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:03,520 Amy Johnson is the right answer! Very good. 680 00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:04,960 It's a J, it's a J. 681 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:07,480 There she is. 682 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,040 APPLAUSE 683 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:11,160 That's the J. And what was her great feat? 684 00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:12,600 - Flew the Atlantic. - Yeah. 685 00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:14,840 - No, that was Alcock and Brown. - Flew across America. 686 00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:17,280 - No, she flew from... - Flew to the moon. 687 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:18,840 She flew from Britain to Australia. 688 00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:22,080 - To Australia? - Yeah. Heck of a flight. - Did she ever come back? 689 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:25,320 Yes, she certainly did, and when she came back, she landed at 690 00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:29,040 what was then the sort of London Airport, which was Croydon Airport, 691 00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:31,440 and there were 200,000 people there to meet her. 692 00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,040 - You're kidding? - No, it was a sensation of the age. 693 00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,440 Was there a car boot sale going on as well? 694 00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:40,760 No. There was... She had a 12-mile parade through London. 695 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,760 So she was describing when she first got into an aeroplane, 696 00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:44,920 and first flew? 697 00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:47,680 She absolutely hated it. But she stuck with it and became, 698 00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:50,320 obviously, incredibly good at it. So yes, now then, 699 00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:54,200 talking of flight, I want you all to do a jolly jape now, 700 00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:55,960 which is make a dart, a paper dart, 701 00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:59,440 and see the person who can throw it the furthest wins. 702 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:01,000 Talk amongst yourselves. 703 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:04,520 There are various kinds you can do, just try the type you did at school. 704 00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:06,520 Oh, I've totally forgotten how to do this. 705 00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:10,480 And obviously take your time, as quickly as you can. 706 00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:14,120 Thing is, I'm going to make one the way we used to make them at school, 707 00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:15,680 knowing they didn't fly very well. 708 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:18,360 Well, some people were good at it and some people weren't. 709 00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:21,160 Interested to see how well you're doing. 710 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:22,440 Precision engineering. 711 00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:25,080 - Oops, I've made a hat. 712 00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:29,920 I'm put little flaps on mine, is that all right? And a tail. 713 00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:31,880 I've just had that idea! 714 00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:34,960 You seem to be ready, who's ready? 715 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:37,000 David, have a go. 716 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:38,840 As far as you can go. 717 00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:42,480 APPLAUSE 718 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:44,400 Not bad. 719 00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:48,000 Should you throw or should you cast like a bowler? 720 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:49,880 - Ah. Well, it's up to you. - Look at that. 721 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:52,320 Yours looks great, I have to say. 722 00:35:54,240 --> 00:35:57,240 APPLAUSE 723 00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:01,520 - It went up because of the flaps. - Yeah. Your flaps. 724 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,800 - Corrugated roof tiles. - Flaps gave it lift. 725 00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:06,800 Watch out in the back row, this is going to be lethal. 726 00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:09,880 It's one of those stealth ones, you won't be able to see it, 727 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:11,320 you won't be able to measure it. 728 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:15,400 You can buy it from Wickes, "It's got her name on it." Oh! 729 00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:18,960 APPLAUSE 730 00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:25,200 - A suicide plane. - Impossible. It defies all laws of physics. 731 00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:27,720 I thought it was acrobatics. 732 00:36:27,720 --> 00:36:29,240 Sue, your chance for glory. 733 00:36:29,240 --> 00:36:30,760 I don't think it's going to happen. 734 00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:34,240 APPLAUSE 735 00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:39,720 Well, despite the brilliance of Amy Johnson... 736 00:36:39,720 --> 00:36:42,560 But would you be surprised to know that the paper aeroplane 737 00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:44,560 that goes the furthest looks like this? 738 00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:46,560 - Stop it! - Yeah, that's a bracelet. 739 00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:49,720 I know, it seems hardly credible. 740 00:36:49,720 --> 00:36:51,840 What do you do? You just scrunch it up and chuck it. 741 00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:55,960 I'm unfortunately not very good at throwing it. 742 00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:59,280 I've practised a bit, but the world record is 200 yards. 743 00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:01,240 - No way! - I'm not kidding you. 744 00:37:01,240 --> 00:37:03,480 - Straight down. - You're supposed to twist it. 745 00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:07,040 That's why I'm not good at it, I've never thrown an American football. 746 00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:09,280 You do it in the style of an American football. 747 00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:11,360 - ALL: Whoa! - There you go! 748 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:13,600 APPLAUSE That's amazing! 749 00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:15,440 Pretty good, isn't it? 750 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:18,480 And that's... 751 00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:21,360 So why aren't all aeroplanes designed like that? 752 00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:24,680 It was invented by a man called Mark Forti, whose father worked for NASA. 753 00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:26,240 Oh, what a cheat. 754 00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:28,680 Yes, it's a short plastic cylinder, 755 00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,880 slightly weighted on the leading edge and that's as simple as that. 756 00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:33,480 So you use sticky-back plastic, 757 00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:36,600 which some purists would say doesn't make it a proper aeroplane, 758 00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:38,960 because it has to be slightly heavier at the front. 759 00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:42,480 You would not imagine that was so aerodynamic a shape as a dart, 760 00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:45,880 which just to our eyes looks right, doesn't it? 761 00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:47,520 Is that the future of aeroplanes? 762 00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:49,000 Darts, the future of darts. 763 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:51,000 I thought you said "ducks". 764 00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:54,360 They're going to evolve into kind of cylindrical, little beaks at the top. 765 00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:57,600 Yeah, birds everywhere are watching this programme, 766 00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:00,240 "What have we been doing all these... All this? 767 00:38:00,240 --> 00:38:02,320 "We should have just done that!" 768 00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:08,560 "And just jumped. What have we been doing?!" 769 00:38:09,720 --> 00:38:12,800 But we were saying earlier about Amy Johnson, 770 00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:16,760 almost gave up flying because it made such a mess of her hair. 771 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:19,800 Can you remember who wrote the first dictionary in English? 772 00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:22,080 - Oh, yes. Johnson. - Samuel Johnson. 773 00:38:22,080 --> 00:38:23,160 Samuel Johnson! 774 00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:25,240 SIREN WAILS 775 00:38:25,240 --> 00:38:26,600 No, it wasn't Samuel Johnson. 776 00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:29,120 I led you down the garden path and spanked you. 777 00:38:29,120 --> 00:38:30,240 - Baldrick. - Baldrick! 778 00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:32,840 "B." 779 00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:34,880 Probably a B, yes. 780 00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:38,360 "We're going to have to write the whole dictionary tonight!" 781 00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:41,640 Yes. Dr Johnson's dictionary, written in the earlier part 782 00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:44,320 of the 18th century, was preceded by, well, there was... 783 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,960 - Famously, the first dictionary. - Weren't there lots? 784 00:38:46,960 --> 00:38:50,080 There was a Richard Mulcaster in the 16th century, 785 00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:53,040 who came up with the name football, in fact, and indeed, 786 00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:55,640 invented refereeing and the idea of football teams, 787 00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:58,920 but he wrote Elementary in 1582, which was the first to gather 788 00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:01,840 "all the words which we use in our English tung, out of all 789 00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:05,040 professions, as well learned as not, into one dictionarie." 790 00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:06,680 But he didn't give definitions. 791 00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:09,520 He just listed all the words that he thought there existed. 792 00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:15,080 But Robert Cawdrey's Table Alphabeticall, of 1604, 793 00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:17,960 not only listed words, but gave definitions, so it was 794 00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:21,280 perhaps the first true dictionary, in the sense that we know it. 795 00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:23,400 It listed around 3,000 hard words, 796 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,240 as he called them, defining each one. 797 00:39:25,240 --> 00:39:27,760 So then Johnson's dictionary had how many entries? 798 00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:31,880 At around the time there were about 250,000 or 300,000 words. 799 00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:34,160 - How many did he list? - 42. 800 00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:36,320 Oh, you were so close. 42,000. 801 00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:37,920 Thousand. 802 00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:40,800 That was really close. 42,773. 803 00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:44,400 But we've got some Johnson words that have gone out of use. 804 00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:46,640 Maybe you can imagine what they mean. 805 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:48,800 Tonguepad. 806 00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:50,880 - Mouth-friend? - Mouth-friend. 807 00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:54,680 Don't we all need a mouth-friend? 808 00:39:54,680 --> 00:39:57,800 Sometimes we certainly do need a tonguepad and a mouth-friend. 809 00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:00,280 KATY AND SUE: Sometimes I like a frigorifick. 810 00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:01,880 I hear you, girl! 811 00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:03,200 Frigorifick. 812 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,480 Yeah. We've all been frigorifick in our time. 813 00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:07,080 A depucelate is... 814 00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:08,520 That's a coffee. 815 00:40:08,520 --> 00:40:10,040 I think it's single shot, isn't it? 816 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:12,440 You can get those in, yeah, Starbucks. 817 00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:14,680 It's not "depu-kela-tay," it's depucelate. 818 00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:17,840 That's what you do before a big date, isn't it? 819 00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:20,880 If you're meeting a mouth-friend. 820 00:40:20,880 --> 00:40:24,280 You get a bit tonguepad. Slip of the old shapesmith. 821 00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:28,360 Is a shapesmith just a rubbish blacksmith? 822 00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:31,440 - No, a shapesmith is basically what we... - "I've done a thing." 823 00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:32,720 There you are. 824 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:38,000 "You did a shape." "Yeah." 825 00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:39,760 It sort of looks like a doorknob. 826 00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:41,560 It's not a horseshoe, 827 00:40:41,560 --> 00:40:43,760 but it's sort of horse jewellery in some way. 828 00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:45,040 Like a horse clog. 829 00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:46,720 A horse nipple clamp. 830 00:40:46,720 --> 00:40:49,160 - They founded Camden Market and sold all that crap. - Yes. 831 00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:52,080 No, a shapesmith is actually what we would call a personal trainer, 832 00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:55,360 someone who gets you into shape and improves the shape of your body. 833 00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:57,040 Time for that word to come back. 834 00:40:57,040 --> 00:41:00,400 - Exactly. - "I'm going to see my shapesmith." - My shapesmith, yeah. 835 00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:02,000 "Personal trainer," hate that. 836 00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:04,680 A tonguepad is just a talker, someone who natters all the time. 837 00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:07,840 - A mouth-friend is... - Gossip? 838 00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:09,640 No, someone who is a friend to your face, 839 00:41:09,640 --> 00:41:13,360 - but is duplicitous behind your back. - Oh, God, I know a few of those. 840 00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,280 Yeah, a few mouth-friends, pretends to be your friend. 841 00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:19,040 To depucelate is to deflower, to bereave of virginity. 842 00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:20,880 It's not a bereavement! 843 00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:24,320 Let's not see it as that. 844 00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:28,040 Frigorifick sounds like something Del Boy might say, but what is frig...? 845 00:41:28,040 --> 00:41:29,360 Actually, I suppose... 846 00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:33,240 It's probably rather badly spelt. We should pronounce - yes, cold - 847 00:41:33,240 --> 00:41:36,000 we should pronounce it "frijorifick", probably. 848 00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:37,240 It just means causing cold, 849 00:41:37,240 --> 00:41:39,440 something that's frigorifick causes cold. 850 00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:42,520 Some of his definitions were just a little bit lazy. 851 00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:45,880 "Sock. Something put between the foot and the shoe." 852 00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:49,760 He must have thought, though, 853 00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:51,680 because you know, previous diction... 854 00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:54,600 the one before, you say had been just of hard words. 855 00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:57,200 He must have thought, "Everyone knows what a sock is! 856 00:41:57,200 --> 00:41:59,080 "If you've got this book 857 00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:02,640 "and you don't know what a sock is, then I can't help you." 858 00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:07,120 Exactly. Oats was a famous one. 859 00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:10,200 He said horrible things about the Scots in his one on oats, didn't he? 860 00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:12,640 He did. He said "a grain which in England 861 00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:16,240 "is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people." 862 00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:21,040 He describes "to worm" - 863 00:42:21,040 --> 00:42:24,160 "to deprive a dog of something, nobody knows what, under his tongue, 864 00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:28,680 "which is said to prevent him, nobody knows why, from running mad." 865 00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:30,960 - It's a very strange... - Wasn't a scientist, then. 866 00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:32,600 No, I think probably not. 867 00:42:32,600 --> 00:42:34,840 He was one of our greatest men of letters. 868 00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:37,760 Well, we've come to the amen, because it's time for the scores. 869 00:42:37,760 --> 00:42:42,240 It's all we've got time for. Let's see who's hit the jackpot. 870 00:42:42,240 --> 00:42:45,280 HE INHALES DEEPLY 871 00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:48,200 Well... 872 00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:49,600 He's died! 873 00:42:50,840 --> 00:42:55,640 I'm afraid it's Sue who's died in last place, with minus 12. 874 00:42:55,640 --> 00:42:59,560 APPLAUSE 875 00:43:00,720 --> 00:43:04,720 And really, it's a massive step up for Alan, 876 00:43:04,720 --> 00:43:07,760 on our third place, with minus seven. 877 00:43:07,760 --> 00:43:10,560 APPLAUSE 878 00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:11,840 Robbed. 879 00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:15,840 And having been depucelated, QI-wise, 880 00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:20,280 it's pretty impressive to break your virginity with minus three, Katy. 881 00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:22,600 APPLAUSE 882 00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:29,040 But our mouth-friend of the week, clear winner on plus five, 883 00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:30,600 is David Mitchell. 884 00:43:30,600 --> 00:43:33,720 APPLAUSE 885 00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:40,400 So, this is where we jack it all in 886 00:43:40,400 --> 00:43:44,040 and say that's all from Sue, David, Katy, Alan and me. 887 00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:46,600 Be excessively nice to each other. Good night. 888 00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:08,400 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd