1 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,800 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:38,680 Go-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:41,040 good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:44,560 good evening and welcome to QI, for a show all about joints. 5 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:48,360 And joining me are the shapely ankles of Cal Wilson. 6 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,360 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,880 The sharp elbows of Jack Whitehall. 8 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:58,480 APPLAUSE 9 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:02,240 The cold shoulders of Jimmy Carr. 10 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,040 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:10,720 And hip, hip, hooray, it's Alan Davies. 12 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:12,960 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:20,080 But before we begin, let's hear your buzzers. And Jack goes... 14 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,400 # The finger bone connected to the hand bone. # 15 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:24,760 And Jimmy goes... 16 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:28,800 # The hand bone connected to the wrist bone. # 17 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,640 And Cal goes... 18 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,200 # The wrist bone connected to the arm bone. # 19 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,040 And Alan goes... 20 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:37,360 # The minute you walked in the joint. # 21 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,200 Oh, and then you walked in the joint. 22 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,040 Joint, J for Joint. 23 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:43,520 J for Joint, very good. Excellent. All right. 24 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,080 Well, now, Alan, we're going to make your life a little easier, 25 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:48,720 - we're going to lower the lights here. - I can go home? - Yeah... 26 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:52,080 SLOW MUSIC PLAYS 27 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:53,880 Right. Now, Alan... 28 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,240 Oh, this is unfair. Alan gets a girl. I've got Jack! 29 00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,440 Jack's a girl. 30 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:03,800 Steady, steady. 31 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,360 I'm going to ask Alan a very specific question now. 32 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:09,920 Can you feel your sphincter relaxing? 33 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,880 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 34 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,640 It's a perfectly innocent question. 35 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:24,560 I must say, I thought it was until you asked me. 36 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:33,120 Well, what you might have said is, "Which sphincter?" 37 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,120 Oh, of course. Oh. 38 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:39,320 Because you may not know this, but you have many sphincters. 39 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:41,720 Oh, I know a thing or two about sphincters. 40 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:43,560 Tell me about sphincters. 41 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:46,000 I once had... This may not be an appropriate story. 42 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:48,240 I certainly hope not. 43 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,920 I once had a bladder complaint, this is not STI, it was just, 44 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,880 I was getting up in the middle of the night to pee. 45 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,040 Why are you looking at me when you say that? 46 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:58,320 Because I thought you would understand. 47 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:02,640 If you go to the doctor, sometimes they say, "We're going to put a camera in and explore," 48 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,960 and it was in my bladder, there was a bit of an issue. 49 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:08,320 So they decided to get a camera and just pop it in my bladder. 50 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,840 And obviously the easiest way to get in is to, is to... 51 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,400 Is through the schlong. 52 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,240 Is through the schlong. 53 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:15,400 And I thought, 54 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:18,120 I imagined the camera would be like the width of a human hair. 55 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,640 - It was like a pen. - Ow! 56 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:24,280 - And they fed it in, and it was about ten years ago I had this... - What..? 57 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,840 And it was about ten years ago, 58 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,600 and it was a lovely nurse that was doing the procedure, 59 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:45,000 and as she fed it, she went, "What do you do for a living?" 60 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,400 Trying to start a conversation at this awkward moment. 61 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,720 "What do you do for a living?" I went, "I'm a comedian." 62 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:51,160 And she went, "Tell us a joke." 63 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,320 And it is a matter of professional pride that I did. 64 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,520 Oh, well done. 65 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:58,480 They offer you the DVD, though, at the end, if they've put a camera in you, you get the DVD. 66 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,760 - They do. - But for what eventuality? My dad got one... 67 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,280 YouTube. 68 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:06,640 ..of the inside of his things, but, like, when is that appropriate? At Christmas? 69 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,760 "Oh, let's not watch the Great Escape this year, 70 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,320 "let's watch your dad's stomach." 71 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,160 The Great Escape is when they pull it out. 72 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,040 Ow! 73 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:18,040 But then, the reason I mentioned that is because there are two sphincters on the way in. 74 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,160 And the painful bit is when go, "We're just going to go through the sphincter, 75 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,040 "you might feel a little tightening." 76 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:25,600 "You might feel a little something." It's got a camera in it. 77 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:29,240 I love the way it looks like you're playing snooker or something. 78 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,200 Just going to hit the camera into the... 79 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:36,600 The point is, a sphincter is a ring of muscle that can contract 80 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,920 and expand, and we'd lowered the lights so that your eye sphincters, 81 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,760 your optic sphincters will have dilated your eyes, Alan. 82 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:46,240 So your sphincters will have relaxed, we hope. 83 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,760 All of my sphincters are clenched. 84 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:52,240 There's no photographing my innards this evening. 85 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,200 They can expand or contract, excite and delight. 86 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:59,800 We have an endoscope here that you may... No, we don't, don't worry, it's all right. No, it's fine. 87 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,160 You really were worried. 88 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:04,760 I did have a similar experience to Jimmy's in New Zealand. 89 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:08,680 I was going for a lady's examination, and so lying there with 90 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:12,760 this doctor doing the examination and she's just tinkering away. 91 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,400 And then she goes, "Haven't I seen you on Thank God You're Here?" 92 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,160 Which is a TV show back home. 93 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,800 And I went, "Yes, but why are you recognising me now?" 94 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,520 I went to get something looked at, which was a sort of rash 95 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:27,960 near the top of my leg, so it was a slight worry. 96 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,840 It turns out it was nothing, but I didn't know that at the time, 97 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:35,440 and I went to have it examined and he did the thing where he recognised me, but thought I was George Lamb. 98 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,080 He said, "Oh, you're that guy, George Lamb." 99 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,000 And I was about to correct him, but I thought, 100 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,480 "If that is an STI, I'd rather him thinking 101 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:45,040 "that George Lamb had it than I did." 102 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,480 Anyway, so, you've got, the other thing is, 103 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:53,840 you even have within your capillary system, your blood system, each has 104 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,840 a little sphincter, so the chances are we probably have thousands. 105 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:59,000 Nobody quite knows how many sphincters we have. 106 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,080 We have thousands and thousands of them. 107 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,400 So, now, what is this? 108 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:08,440 - Snake. - Excuse me? - Is it a snake? - Oh dear! 109 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:15,360 - What a shame. - Is it a legless lizard? - Yes, it's the right answer. 110 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,680 - It's a lizard. - How can you tell it's drunk? 111 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:23,040 Because it keeps going, "I love you! You're great." 112 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:24,480 "Come here." 113 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,560 - "Don't go, have another one." - Yes, it is. 114 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,960 Snakes, you think of as looking like that 115 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,080 but lizards can look like that too. 116 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:33,480 They don't have to have legs. 117 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,000 In fact, two thirds of that is tail. 118 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:39,040 Real snakes have got movable jaws. 119 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,000 HE GRUMBLES 120 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,400 And lizards don't. 121 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:44,800 Your thinking of dogs. 122 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:50,200 That was uncanny, wasn't it? It was like a snake was in the room. 123 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:56,520 For a moment there, I was, "Whoa!" 124 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:59,600 Also the eyes are very different. 125 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,880 Snake eyes have this particular film over them. 126 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,760 Another difference, of course, I don't have a lizard in my trousers. 127 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:11,040 - Ladies! - Dear, oh dear. 128 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,320 In England, you get... 129 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:16,360 Adders, vipers and grass snakes. 130 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:20,680 And there is another kind that I had in my garden in Norfolk not long ago, 131 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:22,000 which is a slowworm. 132 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,680 Which is neither a worm nor a snake but again is a legless lizard. 133 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:30,120 My brother had them, I think, when he came back from school once. 134 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:33,360 He had them? Oh, you mean in his tummy? 135 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,240 - Yeah. - Seriously?! - Yeah, and we couldn't lick the loo seat. 136 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,680 Not that we were licking the loo seat before. 137 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,200 He was accused of doing that at school 138 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,440 and we had to get rid of them because he had the worms. 139 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,360 - But that looks a lot bigger. - They accused him of licking the loo seat? 140 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:49,040 No, because that's how you get worms. 141 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:53,880 - By licking the loo seat?! - Yes! You lick the loo seat. 142 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,640 I thought you said Lucy. 143 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:04,960 - The loo seat. - That is definitely my first fact of the evening. 144 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,360 There we are. Off to a flyer. 145 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,960 Like the loo seat and you will get worms of the belly. 146 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:13,080 You will get more than worms, you will get universal contempt. 147 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:16,960 That's far worse. 148 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,840 You can get STIs from loo seats, interestingly, Stephen, 149 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:23,040 but only if you sit down before the last guy has got up. 150 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:26,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 151 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:35,400 STI - is that Sexually Transmitted Information? 152 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:39,040 Sexually Transmitted Information should be a thing, shouldn't it? 153 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,160 It sounds like the late-night version of QI though, doesn't it? 154 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:47,720 - The adult after-12 edition. - Yes, STI. - Provocative questions. 155 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,880 I like the sound of it. 156 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:54,080 All right, now. Let's play Stick The Knees On The Elephants. 157 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:57,400 You should have cards with elephants on, 158 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:00,040 and you should have little red dots, 159 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,160 and you have to stick your red dot on the knees of the elephant. Simple as that. 160 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:06,680 It's a little fun art/craft thing that you can do. 161 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,240 I feel a little bit like we're in, we've under-performed 162 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:11,800 - and we've been taken to a special class. - More or less right. 163 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,040 Where it's mainly arts and crafts and colouring-in 164 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,640 - and you can't fail, we've all done very well. - That's right. 165 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,920 I'm just doing polka dots. 166 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:24,080 Very sweet, but try and do it on the knees of the elephant if you can. 167 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,440 I think elephants have got a lot of knees. 168 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,360 That's my, that's my... Because, otherwise, 169 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,920 why would you have given us this many dots? 170 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:34,400 It is a lot of dots. You don't have to use all the dots, I may say. 171 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:38,480 This elephant's actually got the same thing that Jack used to have 172 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:39,960 at the top of his thigh. 173 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,520 - Turns out it was nothing, but it was a real worry. - Yes. 174 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,200 - I've marked his sphincter on there as well. - So have I! 175 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,920 - Well done. - Oh, snap. - We've got matching sphincters. 176 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:52,360 All right, so if you'd like to present and show? 177 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:55,880 Sorry. Sphincter, eyes, because it's nice to get to know them. 178 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,440 And four knees. 179 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,000 Can you tilt the cards forward so they're not too shiny? 180 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,200 They reflect on the camera. 181 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,560 OK. I've gone, I've gone four knees on each. 182 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,040 Are you tilting it forward as asked? You're not, are you? 183 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:12,800 I can't get taken down to a lower class than this, can I? 184 00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,320 I'm already doing arts and crafts. 185 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,040 - Dear, oh dear, oh dear. - These are knees. 186 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:20,000 - Well, I mean... - I've gone knees on the front, none on the back. 187 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,400 Everyone except Alan has at least managed to put dots on the knees, 188 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:27,640 which are at the back of the elephant, because the front two joints are elbows. 189 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:28,680 Oh. 190 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:31,880 All mammals essentially... 191 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:36,040 Whoa, whoa, you're going to have to back up there a little bit. 192 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,000 He's got elbows on his leg...? 193 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,200 On his front legs, yes. His front legs are essentially arms. 194 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,960 I mean, the bones in his front leg are the radius and the ulna, 195 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,640 just like ours. 196 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:48,680 They're essentially walking on their hands and on their hind legs. 197 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:50,720 And we may think of elephants with four knees, 198 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,400 they don't, they only have the two knees at the back. 199 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:57,920 The two front ones are elbows. It seems unlikely, but it's true. 200 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,240 That means my interesting fact that the elephant 201 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:04,080 - is the only animal in the world that has four knees is complete rubbish. - Exactly. 202 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,400 It's a common fact on the internet and it's a lie. 203 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,320 - Wow. - And any zoologist will tell you so. 204 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,200 I felt sorry for an elephant the other day. 205 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,000 I watched it and the new BBC show, Planet Earth Live. 206 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,840 - Oh, don't talk to me about that. - With Richard Hammond on it. 207 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,720 He was stood in front of all these elephants 208 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,160 in one of his tragic midlife-crisis necklaces 209 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,840 and it definitely had ivory on it. 210 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:28,160 It did! It had a little thing! That's probably one of his cousins. Get him! 211 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,680 They put Richard Hammond out in the middle of the night 212 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:32,200 with lots of lions around 213 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:36,880 just hoping that he would be savaged live on television. 214 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:40,400 I'm afraid it's minus ten to everybody except Alan. There you go. 215 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,360 That's very good. So, well done, Alan. 216 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,400 In fact, you got it right in the end. 217 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:47,040 No, I didn't, I put two knees, I thought it only had two knees... 218 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,640 - Which it does. - But I put them on the front, where the elbows are. - Oh, you put them...did you? 219 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,160 Oh, OK, well yes, you get the minus ten, sorry about that. 220 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,600 We can have here... A man here. 221 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:59,520 - How many legs does a sheep have, according to him? - Four. 222 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:07,760 - None. - If you go into a butcher, you can order a leg of lamb or two legs 223 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:10,320 but if it was from just the one lamb, you could have... 224 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,400 Two legs and two drumsticks. 225 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,320 - We have leg of lamb and we have... - Shoulder. 226 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:22,280 Shoulder. They call the front legs of the lamb the shoulders. 227 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:26,080 And if it was a pig, what are the front legs of a pig called? 228 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,800 - Drumsticks. - No, they're not drumsticks - Sausages. 229 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,000 No, they're not sausages either. 230 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:36,920 No. Hands. It's a hand of pig if you go into a butcher. 231 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:41,680 - The call them hands. - Hand of pig? - I've experienced hand of pig before. 232 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:44,720 - I'm sure you have. - I've apologised. Don't go on about it. 233 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:49,800 - That's why you're on that side. - Exactly. It's a court order. 234 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,640 - By the way, how does an elephant drink? - With its trunk. 235 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,160 Oh, Alanny-wanny-woo. 236 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,160 SIREN 237 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:04,640 There's a sense in which, prepositionally, you were correct, because it does drink with... 238 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:05,760 I don't understand that. 239 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:09,040 You said with its trunk, you didn't say THROUGH its trunk. 240 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:10,680 It doesn't drink through its trunk, 241 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,800 - but in a sense it does drink with its trunk. - It scoops it into its mouth. 242 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,800 Because it sucks it up and then blows it back into its mouth. 243 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,920 They drink to forget, don't they? 244 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,080 So they don't suck it up or they'd drown, it's their nose, 245 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,640 like if we drank through our nose, we would be in real trouble. 246 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:31,040 - You can do Tequila shots through your nose, can't you? - Oh, yes, you can. 247 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:35,040 - You can, yeah. I mean it's not, it's not a way to hydrate. - No. 248 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:39,280 You know how sometimes if you were violently ill and you're sick 249 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:40,960 and it comes out your mouth and your nose, 250 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,600 could an elephant vomit out of its trunk? 251 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:47,160 I wouldn't be surprised if it could. And I don't know if anybody's been cruel enough to experiment on making 252 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:51,240 an elephant dependent on cocaine, because that would be, that would be 253 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,280 a pretty extraordinarily expensive habit, wouldn't it, really? 254 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,360 I view that as the highest calling of the stand-up comedian. 255 00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,800 If you're doing a concert and you can time a joke 256 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,720 - so that someone's taking a sip and it comes out of their nose. - Yeah, that is, isn't it? 257 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,080 It's the best thing when they've ruined their evening. 258 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,440 Ah! Covered in snot and booze. 259 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:09,920 Imagine if you made an elephant laugh so much 260 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:11,800 something came out of its trunk. 261 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:15,240 And then it applauded. With its hands. 262 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:19,240 The front of house staff at the Savoy Theatre, many years ago, 263 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:21,440 when Noises Off, the Michael Frayn thing, 264 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,120 told me that every single day there were wet seats, 265 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:25,640 people wet themselves laughing. 266 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,760 - Isn't that because elderly people go to the cinema? - No. 267 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,760 I mean the theatre. 268 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:32,760 I did a gig in Reading, Reading Festival, and I was doing so well 269 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:36,760 on stage actually someone in the audience wet himself, 270 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,320 straight into a bottle and then threw it at me. 271 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,240 - That's how good I was doing. I was that funny. - Does that really happen? 272 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,520 - Hit me straight on the head. - Does that really happen? 273 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,240 Monsters of Rock at Donington, they do that, don't they? 274 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,040 Well, they throw stuff up onto the stage. 275 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,040 Yeah, full of urine. It didn't break though? 276 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,440 Well it's like when Bono was meant to play at Glastonbury 277 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,520 and then he pulled out and I'd been literally saving up 278 00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:59,800 months' worth of piss to throw at him 279 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,440 and I had to wait for the entire year. 280 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:04,840 - You poor thing! - Had about that much, like a vat. 281 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,200 A water cannon. 282 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,080 Poor Bono, he does come in for it, doesn't he? Bless him. Anyway. 283 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,560 He did his back in, that's why he couldn't do it though, 284 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:15,520 which is fair enough because I imagine my back would be pretty sore 285 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,280 - if I'd spent the last 20 years with my head up my own arse. - Whoa! 286 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,880 APPLAUSE 287 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:27,600 Oh, wow. Wowzeroony. 288 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:31,600 So, yes. Yes, your skeleton is just like Jumbo's but, apart from that, 289 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:36,320 what else do we have in common with elephants, uniquely with elephants? 290 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,400 - Tusks. Tusks. - We don't really have tusks though, to be honest. 291 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,560 - We do, big tusks. - Walruses and others animals do. 292 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,640 Oh, I'm thinking of walruses, sorry. 293 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,640 Is it after a certain age you get the horrible whiskers under your chin? 294 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,320 Oh, now, you just said, what's the last word you said? 295 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,400 - Chin. - That's it, it's as simple as that. 296 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:57,440 Very oddly, the only mammals that have chins are humans and elephants. 297 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,240 You may say, hang on, dogs have chins, no they don't. 298 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:01,760 - Wow. - They don't have chins. 299 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,440 Look at that real chin bone, chin bone on the right, 300 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:08,400 the right, the elephant, the left, the human. But no, obviously there's a big difference 301 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,200 but they both have chins. 302 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,800 The elephant one, the actual face structure looks a bit like 303 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:16,400 one of those women on Made In Chelsea. It does! 304 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,960 Because they do, all those women on Made In Chelsea look like 305 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,640 a horse that's swallowed an anvil and it's just sitting there. 306 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,600 I was watching it on 3D TV the other day, and one of them started talking 307 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,680 about her gap year and I was nearly knocked off my sofa. 308 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:33,000 That PG Wodehouse thing about the sort of goofy upper class person 309 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,200 who looked as if he'd swallowed a laundry basket. 310 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,640 You know, that sort of thick neck, and huge Adams apple. 311 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,600 And a constant look on their face 312 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:43,480 like they've just forgotten their own name, like... 313 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,120 Absolutely right. 314 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,880 And the weird thing is, nobody quite knows why we have chins, as it were. 315 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:52,040 We know that they're extremely useful for various things - 316 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:54,880 speech and so on - but do we have a chin because we can speak, 317 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:57,200 or do we speak because we have a chin? 318 00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:00,000 - No-one knows why we've got a chin? - To grow beards on it. 319 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:03,120 There are things we can do with it. I agree, we can stroke it. 320 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,720 I am currently peacocking, which is what I'm doing with this. 321 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:09,680 - Are you? - Yeah, this beard is peacocking. That's what I'm doing. 322 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,000 In as much as it's an attractive display to attract women? 323 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,080 To impress, yes, for ladies. 324 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,480 So the ladies in here are currently impressed by this. 325 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:19,200 I am peacocking with my beard. I know they may not be showing it. 326 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,680 Try and peacock less camply, if you're pursuing ladies. 327 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,080 OK. 328 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,720 It's just a suggestion, if it's the ladies you want to attract. 329 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,480 - "Yeah. Oi, babes, check this out." - That's better, there you go. 330 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,640 "I call it the clunge sponge!" 331 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,480 - Whoa! - Too far? - Maybe. Maybe. 332 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:38,800 - Split the difference. - Split the difference. - OK. 333 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,760 Oh, dear! 334 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,360 The ancient Greeks used it for earache, 335 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:48,440 Columbus took 80 tonnes of it to America 336 00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:51,200 and Henry VIII made it compulsory. 337 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:54,520 - What am I talking about? - Hang on, what's the theme of the show? 338 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,600 - Joints. - Yes. - I'm going to guess marijuana. 339 00:17:56,600 --> 00:18:00,080 Marijuana is the right answer. Hemp. Cannabis. 340 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:04,080 So he took 80 tonnes to America? You're saying he is a trafficker? 341 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,120 You're saying Columbus was a drug trafficker. 342 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,320 He must've had a very big sphincter. 343 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 344 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,800 It was pretty enormous. 345 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:17,600 Got a joint in his hand there. 346 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,560 As you probably know, 347 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:24,400 cannabis plant is also used for the creation of hemp as ropes. 348 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,560 He had tonnes of it just on his ship alone, of rope made from hemp. 349 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:32,880 Also, under King James, it was made compulsory for the colonials 350 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,360 to grow it and use it because they mostly wore hemp clothing. 351 00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:38,640 Hemp is used as an oil, a lubricant, all kinds of things. 352 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,480 You can buy hemp oil now. 353 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,480 By the middle of the 19th century, cannabis was recommended 354 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,720 by the US Pharmacopeia for the following disorders - neuralgia, 355 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:51,680 tetanus, typhus, cholera, rabies, dysentery, alcoholism, anthrax, 356 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:57,440 leprosy, incontinence, snakebite, gout, tonsillitis and insanity. 357 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,680 - That seemed to be a list of pretty much everything there. - It did, didn't it? 358 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,040 If you went into the chemist, they only had one thing. 359 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,520 "What have you got?" "Well, I'll have a think." 360 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:09,120 Well, there's a good word for that - panacea. The cure all, literally. 361 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:11,960 They did more or less think it was a panacea, as they did many drugs. 362 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:15,000 They did with heroin when it came out and cocaine. 363 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,920 In defence of both of those, it will take the edge off. 364 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,040 There are still people who believe it. 365 00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:26,480 They are very keen for the legalisation of medicinal marijuana. 366 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:29,000 It seems weird that we haven't got medicinal marijuana 367 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,640 but we have got medicinal heroin. 368 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,200 - Yes, isn't it? - That's an odd quirk. 369 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:36,480 I suppose so except that there is no real painkiller available 370 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:40,000 except the one that we get from the poppy 371 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,760 which includes morphine and heroin. 372 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,680 We just can't make a drug that does the same thing. 373 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:49,040 - Mummy's hugs. - Mummy's hugs and kisses. You sweetheart! 374 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,680 - That's so lovely. - And if they don't work, heroin. 375 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:57,320 You've got it spot on the money, Jack, absolutely. 376 00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:00,160 It is illegal to sell the seeds of cannabis in America 377 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:03,000 except in one circumstance. Can you imagine what that might be? 378 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,400 Is it if you want to grow a beanstalk? 379 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:08,480 No, it is for birdseed, funnily enough. 380 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,280 Birdseed can have cannabis seeds in it. 381 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:13,040 Anyway, there we are. So, what next? Oh, let's have another 382 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:15,560 pin the something on the something round, shall we? 383 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:19,240 Because we enjoyed that last time enormously, didn't we? 384 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,120 So let's pin the knee on the bird. 385 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:23,960 Stick a little sticker on the bird's knee. That's all you have to do. 386 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,200 Well, it's never going to be where I think it's going to be. 387 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,680 In the knee bit. 388 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,040 Oh. 389 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:32,560 Or it could be a double bluff. 390 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:35,120 Oh, not a double bluff. 391 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,800 Well, I'm going to put in an early pitch for there. 392 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,600 - I'm going to say it's got a knee in its neck. - Right. 393 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:44,440 And that's how it bends its neck, and it's a little quirk of nature. 394 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:45,920 Oh, and Jack's put one on his... 395 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,920 - You're not putting it on the knee, where the knee is! - But he bites it. 396 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:53,880 No, because the bendy bit would be... Oh, no. That could be a little camp arm. 397 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,560 But the wings are going to be the arms this time, aren't they? 398 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,160 The wings are the arms, aren't they? The wings are the arms. 399 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,480 The wings are the arms. 400 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,920 - The legs have got the knees in. - The legs have got the knees in, definitely. 401 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:08,240 - Where they bend in the middle. - STEPHEN SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK 402 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:11,920 - I'm going knees, I'm going in. - Going in, he's going in, ladies and gentlemen. 403 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,000 I'm feeling a double bluff. 404 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,400 You're covering the animal with red dots, Cal. 405 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:18,960 No, I've just given it a perm. 406 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:20,960 You're giving it a cock's comb. 407 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:24,360 There we are, so you've.. Ah, dear. I'm afraid, Alan, 408 00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,360 you've fallen into our little trap. 409 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:27,880 No shit. 410 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,400 Those are not the knees. 411 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,080 People think birds' knees goes backwards, those are ankles. 412 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:34,760 Ah, you see. 413 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,520 - I thought there was going to be something like that. - Here, maybe? 414 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:41,880 There. Now, Jack, points for Jack. 415 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,320 You lose one for the bottom one, which is the... Forget that one, in fact. 416 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,480 Is this an unusual flamingo, 417 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,680 in that it's got a duck coming out of its arse? 418 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,520 It's pretty hard to deny. 419 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:01,160 Where are the duck's knees, for goodness sake? 420 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,200 Ask the flamingo. 421 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,520 Yeah. Well, there are the knees, at the top. 422 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:08,040 They're usually covered in feather. And the bottom bit is the ankle. 423 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,560 I know it seems strange. 424 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:12,080 So there's a chance, if you kicked a flamingo in the knees 425 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,520 and the balls at the same time, that's some pain, isn't it? 426 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:16,920 - Whoa, yes. - Because they must be in the same sort of area. 427 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:21,480 Yes. They don't really have testicles, though, do they? 428 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,560 I mean, they have little sexual parts. 429 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,080 Well, so as do I. 430 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:31,280 It would be quite an unnerving sight, 431 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:33,040 as flocks of flamingos flew overhead, 432 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:34,920 if they did have dangling testicles. 433 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,720 Yeah, boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl. 434 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:38,680 It would be very worrying. 435 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,920 - So, have I got a point? - I think so, Jack, yeah. Yeah. 436 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,680 There's an apple for you. 437 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:48,360 Oh! Oh, I can't tell you how much that works. 438 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:53,000 - That always works with me. Thank you. - There's more where that's from. - Bless you. Apple for me. 439 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:57,320 Starts with an apple, next thing you know, you're in some sort of therapy. Be careful. 440 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:01,160 Behave. What did Glaswegian women lose on their wedding night? 441 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,400 A fight. 442 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:03,880 A fight! 443 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:05,640 A fight with a Glaswegian man. 444 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,160 A long battle against alcoholism? 445 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:11,200 It's, I mean not necessarily Glaswegian, but I mean... 446 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,280 Oh, their chips. 447 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:16,960 In the past, it was a very traditional thing on your wedding, 448 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,440 to lose, almost as a dowry, and the men would be given it 449 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:23,600 as a 21st birthday present, it would be the loss of their..? 450 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:24,840 Teeth. 451 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,120 Teeth is the right answer. 452 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:29,000 Have them all out in one go, have a few days of eating milk 453 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,840 and bread and then have dentures put in. 454 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:35,040 It was considered a good thing. It would save you all dentistry bills for the rest of your life. 455 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:36,840 - My mother was offered this. - Was she? 456 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:39,120 My mother got offered this when she was a young woman, 457 00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:41,880 I think she was about 18, she was nursing in Limerick, I think, 458 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,280 and she went in to see her dentist about like a back tooth, 459 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,960 and he tried to convince her to have all her teeth taken out. 460 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:49,320 He just went, "Well, you've got, I mean, you've got quite 461 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,320 "good teeth, but really, it's going to be expensive over the years. 462 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:53,960 "You know what, we've got an offer on, 463 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,760 "I will take all of these out and we can just put in dentures. 464 00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:58,480 "And dentures really are the future." 465 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,400 It does seem a bit odd, it does seem that 466 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,640 the woman getting her teeth out on her wedding night 467 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,040 is more of a present for the husband, really, doesn't it? 468 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:07,920 There are advantages, you might say, yes, absolutely, that there 469 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:10,200 could be pleasurable outcomes. 470 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,440 That was unfortunate! 471 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,040 Stop it and behave. So... 472 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,920 You'd be very good on those sex chat lines. 473 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:29,440 "Would you like a pleasurable outcome with your little sexual bits?" 474 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,760 Let's return to the 19th century and think about false teeth. 475 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:36,920 - Now, what were false teeth made of in those days? - Wood. 476 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:40,000 They were. Wood was used. Supposedly George Washington... 477 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,640 - Abraham Lincoln had wooden false teeth. - Well, yes, he did. 478 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,480 And he would fall asleep in Congress, 479 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:47,240 or wherever they sit and they were sprung loaded, these things, 480 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:50,240 so if you relax your jaw, the spring would fire them out of your mouth. 481 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,640 That's absolutely right, they did. 482 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:55,560 They did have springs, in France, in particular, they had 483 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,760 holes in their gums with, so they would sort of hang the tooth on it. 484 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,840 I was looking at my granny the other day and I had a really good idea, OK. 485 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:06,280 This is what I'm going to pitch when I go on Dragons Den, is to create 486 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:09,440 some dentures that clamp shut every time they sense racism coming out. 487 00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:12,520 It would be brilliant, wouldn't it? 488 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:17,400 As soon as she starts... Doof! You'd get through a lot at Christmas. 489 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,640 "I've got nothing against them personally, but..." 490 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:24,320 I think the word, the word "but" would be the key, wouldn't it, 491 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,880 the trigger word. "I'm not racist, but..." 492 00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,440 Yeah. 493 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,440 Teeth is the answer. 494 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:31,560 Well, yes, exactly. 495 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:32,960 I think they used teeth. 496 00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:34,720 They did, but whose teeth could they use? 497 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:38,080 Well, either... Did poor people sell their teeth? 498 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:39,800 Yes, poor people did sell their teeth. 499 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,400 And also I think dead people. 500 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:45,440 - But a particular kind of dead person. You were not allowed to rob a grave. - Are we not? 501 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,640 - Not a grave, no. So there are other places... - Oh! 502 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:50,560 I know, it's disappointing. 503 00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,280 I'm in a lot of trouble. 504 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,640 There are other places where you might find too many dead bodies, 505 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,360 of healthy young men, usually, who might have good teeth. 506 00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:03,480 - Oh, battlefields. - Battlefields is the right answer. - How depressing. 507 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:08,040 What became known as Waterloo teeth. It became almost your patriotic duty, 508 00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:11,320 if you lost a tooth, to fit in that of a dead soldier from Waterloo. 509 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,000 There were these scavengers who went around the battlefields 510 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,960 pulling out the teeth of the dead bodies 511 00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:19,800 and sending them back in barrels, and people would buy them 512 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,280 and fit them into the holes where their teeth were, and use them. 513 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,000 Barrels? How many people died? 514 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,080 - Well, thousands died in the Battle of Waterloo. - Barrels, wow! 515 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:29,920 Yes, yeah, and each head had 32 teeth in it. 516 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:34,480 And the dead horses, their teeth were sent to the people from the Only Way Is Essex. 517 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:40,480 Absolutely right. Spot on. Spot on. 518 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:43,640 But right up until the American Civil War and past the 1860s, 519 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,440 they were called Waterloo teeth, even though, of course, that was, 520 00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:49,600 the Battle of Waterloo was in 1815, so it was, you know, 45 years later. 521 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:53,400 There's a tourist attraction in Victoria in Australia 522 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,840 called Casper's World In Miniature. It's all a bit bonkers. 523 00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:59,120 Then you get to the end of it, you walk into this room 524 00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:02,560 and suddenly you're in this room full of sculptures made out of human teeth. 525 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:05,600 - Oh, my goodness! - Crazy things like a tooth fairy made out of human teeth 526 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:10,080 and a hamburger made of human teeth and a castle made out of human teeth! 527 00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:11,880 The horrible thing is, because it's food, 528 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,920 you're looking at a hamburger and you wonder what it would taste like, 529 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,440 and you think about teeth on teeth. It's very grotesque. 530 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,040 - And this is in Victoria? - In Victoria in Australia. 531 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:23,120 And then, we went through this exhibition, all quite disturbed, 532 00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:25,000 and we walked out through the gift shop 533 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,840 and there was an elderly man sitting there eating mashed banana 534 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,800 - because he had no teeth! - Oh, my God! 535 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:33,120 I always find whenever I'm in Melbourne, 536 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,320 I can't get the image out of my head when they say, 537 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,160 "There's a terrible crime," or something like that, 538 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,480 "Victorian Police were soon on the scene," 539 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,520 and I picture truncheons, moutaches, "How now, then!" 540 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:44,920 You just can't help... 541 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:48,160 Victorian police just means something very particular. 542 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:49,720 Absolutely. 543 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:52,480 There's a story you may have come across in the newspapers 544 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:55,720 not that long ago about a Polish dentist. 545 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:58,200 Does that ring a bell? A female Polish dentist? 546 00:27:58,200 --> 00:27:59,920 She got revenge on someone by... 547 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:01,400 Her lover left her. 548 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:03,000 And she took out all his teeth. 549 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,800 Her lover left her and then went to see her when he had, 550 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,480 stupid idiot, went to see her when he had toothache, 551 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:10,560 and she took all his teeth out. 552 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,280 Apparently, it was in all the newspapers, but it's bollocks. 553 00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:16,720 Can you imagine, something in British newspapers that isn't true?! 554 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:18,840 - She took his bollocks out? - No, no. 555 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,080 What she should have done is taken all the teeth out 556 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,600 and then made a little hole in his scrotum and put them all in there. 557 00:28:26,120 --> 00:28:29,120 Just loose and then sewn it up again. 558 00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:31,560 Yes, that is a much better idea. 559 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:36,240 I think we can all agree she missed a great opportunity. 560 00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:39,000 He just would have had a bag of teeth hanging around there. 561 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:40,120 Oh! 562 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:43,920 But you can have a look at this little device. What do you think that might be? 563 00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:46,160 I think it's a piece of dental equipment, Stephen. 564 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:48,120 It's certainly a piece of dental equipment. 565 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:49,560 I pieced that together myself. 566 00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:50,960 I need that more specifically. 567 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:53,080 I bet it's a tongue clamp or something grotesque. 568 00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:54,280 No, it's not a tongue clamp. 569 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:56,840 Oh, is it for snipping open the scrotum to put the teeth in? 570 00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:59,080 Behave yourself, behave yourself! 571 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,280 Well, presumably to yank something out. 572 00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:02,760 It looks like a yanky out thing. 573 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:04,360 It's not a yanky out thing. 574 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:06,800 Well, it kind of crosses over and it's got those sort 575 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:09,840 of cutting things, is it for making, turning the upper lip into a fringe? 576 00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:13,320 I think it looks like you might jam it in somewhere, open it up 577 00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:15,040 and then you could put the tooth in. 578 00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:18,080 Ow! No, it's not that. It's called the masticator. 579 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:20,720 It's for people who had no teeth, you first chopped your food 580 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:22,520 up a little and then you really mash it up. 581 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,680 And so it's ready, you don't need your teeth to chew. 582 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:30,080 It basically just gets your food into a soft pulp. 583 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,200 That's it, exactly. 584 00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:36,560 There was a very common belief in the... 585 00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:38,960 Ow! You see. 586 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,080 A load of teeth have fallen out! 587 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:45,600 It's a valuable exhibit in the British Dental Museum and we're very grateful. Be careful with it. 588 00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:48,400 - It's a rusty old tool. - You could use it on your apple. 589 00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:51,480 - I could, couldn't I? - Remember? - On my lovely apple. 590 00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,360 I might do that. 591 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:56,160 You're being very flirty, Jack. I quite like it. 592 00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:57,480 So, anyway... 593 00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:00,760 APPLAUSE 594 00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:04,000 Yeah, that's... 595 00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,600 My sphincter just tightened. 596 00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:08,520 So... 597 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:12,160 Not for the first time this evening, I shouldn't wonder. 598 00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:13,720 That's your masticator and... 599 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:15,880 It's not your sphincter, it's your masticator. 600 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:21,320 So, who's got noisy knees and a urine-soaked hairbrush? 601 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:22,400 Oh, who hasn't?! 602 00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:27,040 A creaking knees is something that just happens to you. 603 00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:29,640 It sounds like a parent complaint. 604 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:33,240 You know, your knees go and the kid's peed on your hairbrush! 605 00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:36,640 That would indeed happen, but this is a very particular species. 606 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:39,280 My grandmother? We're returning to her. 607 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:43,000 Your grandmother's not coming well out of this programme, is she? 608 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:45,320 Racist, pissy gran! 609 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,880 - Is it a bushbaby? - No, it's not. It is a mammal. 610 00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:53,360 It's an ungulate, you'll find it in Africa in the Savannah. 611 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:57,800 - What kind of ungulates do we find in the Savannah? - Richard Hammond. 612 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,240 - Klipspringers. Things like that. - Yeah. Antelopes. 613 00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:08,320 It's a kind of antelope called an eland, which you may have heard of. 614 00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:11,560 - There it is. Fine specimen. - I can't see it's hairbrush. 615 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:14,360 It's hairbrush is the tufty little bit up the top, 616 00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:17,160 and the bigger and the maler they are, the bigger their hairbrush. 617 00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:19,800 There it is. And they soak it in their own urine 618 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,920 in order to face off other males for the right to mate 619 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:25,240 and pass on their genes. 620 00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:27,800 And what you were talking about was your display. 621 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:30,280 I sometimes soak this is urine. I don't want any trouble. 622 00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:34,320 That's its hairbrush, anyway. 623 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:38,400 And it soaks it in urine, and this apparently is a big, butch thing to do if you're an eland. 624 00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:40,960 But the other thing is it snaps its tendons over its legs 625 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:43,760 like a guitar string, which makes a really very loud noise, 626 00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:46,360 and the thicker and the bigger the muscles of its leg, 627 00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:50,320 the louder the noise, and hence the more chance it has of mating. 628 00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:54,240 A lot of animals do make noises to attract mates in different ways. 629 00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:56,280 I don't know any humans that get mates by... 630 00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:58,440 When you get to a certain age, you get out of a chair 631 00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:01,600 and something makes a noise, you go, "Was that me?" 632 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:04,320 Something creaks. A weird snap. 633 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:06,800 Or if you squat and go for a low shelf in the library, 634 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:10,760 as you stand up, there's a sound of crunching gravel as your knees... 635 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:13,800 I don't know at what age you start going, "Oohhh!" 636 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:16,000 when you sit into or get out of a chair. 637 00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:17,960 Yes, it was a Billy Connolly point, wasn't it, 638 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:19,920 when you shout to pick something up - "Aaah!" 639 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:22,480 So true. 640 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:25,880 I had my son when I was 38, and so he's three now, 641 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:29,520 but he's grown up so that when he bends down to pick things up, he goes, "Uurghh!" 642 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:32,320 - Cos that's what Mummy does! - That's perfect! 643 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:34,960 THEY BOTH GROAN 644 00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:37,920 My little girl, if you carry her up the stairs, she goes, 645 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:41,080 "Oh, so many stairs!" 646 00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:48,200 - If you carry her! - She's copying me. They were virtually her first words. 647 00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:51,120 I'm only 23 and I got depressed so much the other day 648 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:56,520 cos I turned down sexual intercourse with my girlfriend and the reason that I gave was cos I had heartburn. 649 00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:58,840 23! That shouldn't be happening. 650 00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:01,080 She said, "I'll give you anything you want." 651 00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:03,520 I was like, "Some Rennie, some Rennie, quick!" 652 00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:05,520 You need PPI, proton pump inhibitors. 653 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:08,960 Oh, I offered her one of them as well! 654 00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:14,920 Well, really, that is sad news, a 23-year-old, you really shouldn't 655 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:17,840 be using that as an excuse not to have sex, to be perfectly honest. 656 00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:21,560 That's not good enough. No. I can recommend a diet for you. 657 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:24,680 Come and see me. 658 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:28,760 - Anyway... - I knew this would happen. 659 00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:31,480 - It involves nuts. - Stop it. 660 00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:37,000 There is a new meaning to "We shall march on Whitehall." 661 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:46,440 - Who wrote The Cat In The Hat? - Dr Seuss. 662 00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:50,440 SIREN 663 00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:56,920 - I'm afraid, not Dr "Syooce", but Dr "Zoyce". - Zoyce. 664 00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:59,840 He's spelt S-E-U-S-S, a Germanic name. 665 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:02,040 His real name was Theodor Seuss Geisel. 666 00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:07,240 But there was a Dr "Syooce", and he did really propose something, 667 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,160 which is still held to be true today, 668 00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:11,040 and I wonder if you might guess what that is. 669 00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:13,600 - A scientific thing? - It is a very scientific thing, yes. 670 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:16,120 It doesn't look like he enjoyed it, though, does he? 671 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:18,520 Well, like a lot of Victorians, he does look a bit sombre 672 00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:20,280 and solemn, shall we say. 673 00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:22,080 Jack, Jack, it's a proper beard. 674 00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:27,200 Physics? Chemistry? hats? 675 00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:30,040 One that transformed the way we looked at the world, literally. 676 00:34:30,040 --> 00:34:31,480 Glasses. 677 00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:38,680 - I was trying to stress not "looked" but "world". - Geology. - Yeah. 678 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:41,200 He discovered by looking at rock formations and fossils, 679 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:44,200 there were so many strange things in common with the way 680 00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:46,480 the different continents fit together. 681 00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:48,840 Was he the guy that did continental drift? 682 00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:50,480 Not so much continental drift, 683 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:54,800 but he had this idea that there was once one big super continent. 684 00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:57,360 - Gondwanaland. - Which he called Gondwanaland, exactly. 685 00:34:57,360 --> 00:34:59,440 He was the man who named it, and as you know, 686 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:02,440 New Zealand was one of the islands that spun off from it. 687 00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:04,200 India, Africa, and you can see 688 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:08,080 where South America and Africa fit together like jigsaw puzzles. 689 00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:09,520 That photo was taken earlier? 690 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,960 Quite a lot earlier, yes, millions of years earlier. 691 00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:15,960 And that's what Dr Suess did, and he was pronounced Dr "Syooce", 692 00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:18,080 as opposed to Theodor "Zoyce" Geisel, 693 00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:21,960 who created The Cat In The Hat and Sam I Am and other such things. 694 00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:25,840 His first children's manuscript story was rejected 27 times 695 00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:28,920 because he was told it had no moral. There he is, 696 00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:30,880 with his most famous creation, I suppose. 697 00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:35,680 And he tried different surnames. He tried, for example, Rosetta Stone. 698 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:36,880 Quite a good idea. 699 00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:40,560 And Theo Lesieg, "Lesieg" being "Geisel" backwards. 700 00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:42,880 But in the end, Dr "Zoyce" was the one that caught on. 701 00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:46,880 So anyway, Dr Edward "Syooce" is the man who first came up with 702 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:50,120 the idea of the supercontinent Gondwanaland. 703 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:53,960 So, what kind of glass does the Pope-mobile have in its windows? 704 00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:57,520 Oh, probably, has he got the slidey kind so he can sell ice creams? 705 00:35:57,520 --> 00:35:59,960 I imagine it plays the ice cream van music, 706 00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:02,640 I'm not casting aspersions on the Catholic Church, but... 707 00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:03,680 Now, be very careful. 708 00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:06,560 - Stained glass. - Stained glass, that's a very good point. 709 00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:09,680 - It's tinted. - How lovely would that be? - Tinted. 710 00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:12,760 Is it tinted so like when they're all waving, everyone thinks that 711 00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:16,960 he's in there doing that, but actually he's cracking open some tinnies, flicking the v's at people. 712 00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:19,240 What else would you say about the glass? 713 00:36:19,240 --> 00:36:23,280 You want us to say bulletproof, don't you, that's a thing, isn't it? 714 00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:25,640 - I wouldn't, would I, want you to say what? - Bulletproof. - Oh! 715 00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:28,400 SIREN 716 00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:31,040 I'm afraid we're being very technical with you, there is 717 00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:34,200 no such thing as bulletproof glass, by any manufacturer. 718 00:36:34,200 --> 00:36:37,440 - That's cost me a fortune in my house! - It's bullet-resistant glass. 719 00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:42,560 They don't claim it to be bulletproof. Four inches thick will do, it's layered with vinyl 720 00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:45,040 and things in between to absorb the shock of the bullet. 721 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:49,240 But there's a really clever, which is one-way bullet-resistant glass, 722 00:36:49,240 --> 00:36:53,360 where you shoot into it and the bullet does that, 723 00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:56,000 but you can shoot out from the other side and it goes through. 724 00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:57,600 If that gets fitted incorrectly... 725 00:36:57,600 --> 00:37:00,160 - So the Pope could fire back. - You've got one shot. 726 00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:01,840 I can't see how that could be possible. 727 00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:05,680 It's because of the lamination. I can describe it to you if you wish. 728 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:08,480 It's because of the order in which the layers are assembled. 729 00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:12,040 The shock absorber layer is on the inside, with the glass on the outside, was the reason. 730 00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:14,320 That would be great if you could be shot by the Pope. 731 00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:15,960 How exciting would that be? 732 00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:20,080 He'd shoot you, "Yeah, you're going to hell, I've had a word." 733 00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:23,640 He'd definitely do the sideways thing, wouldn't he? 734 00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:28,280 Just as a matter of interest, how many Popes does the Vatican have per square kilometre? 735 00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:30,280 - How many Popes? - Yeah. 736 00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:32,840 Like, buried or in storage? 737 00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:34,480 No, actually live, living Popes? 738 00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:36,160 - One. - No. 739 00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:39,880 There's actually 2.27 recurring, because Vatican City is only 740 00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:45,400 0.44 of a kilometre, so the average would be, per square kilometre... 741 00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:49,360 Well, I think we have it, ladies and gentlemen - the most annoying question ever asked. 742 00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:52,280 I think we've done it! 743 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:55,960 I understand your point of view, you're quite right. 744 00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:59,800 - Well, we weren't going to get it, were we? - No, you weren't. 745 00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:02,680 So, anyway, how would you improve this plane here? 746 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,640 - How would you make it a bit safer? - Well, now... It's incomplete. 747 00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:08,680 Well, I'm no aeronautical engineer, but I can see a flaw. 748 00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:09,720 Yeah. 749 00:38:09,720 --> 00:38:12,960 - Ryanair just get worse and worse, don't they? - They do, don't they? 750 00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:16,240 O'Leary would charge you for the extra air conditioning. 751 00:38:16,240 --> 00:38:19,720 Is it so you get a cheaper ticket if you bring your own fuselage? 752 00:38:19,720 --> 00:38:23,600 When Michael O'Leary dies, they should put him in his coffin 753 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:27,720 and then build a grave that is slightly too small for the coffin to fit into, 754 00:38:27,720 --> 00:38:32,240 - so it's just like that baggage thing that you have to try and put the baggage in. - Yes! 755 00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:34,880 His family will be trying to shove him in, and when they can't, 756 00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:38,200 - "Sorry, we'll have to charge you extra." - Oh, there would be much cheering. 757 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:41,280 No. This was a rather cunning insight that when airplanes returned 758 00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:44,200 you know, battered and hurt like that, that one there, 759 00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:47,600 as you can see, has been pretty badly hurt, 760 00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:50,480 but it came back and the crew survived. 761 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:55,560 But the ones that didn't come back were hit elsewhere. 762 00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:58,760 If you're hit there, you can clearly survive. 763 00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:00,640 So spend the money on extra armouring 764 00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:03,040 on the bits where it wasn't hit. 765 00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:04,800 And that's where its knees are. 766 00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:10,360 And there are the fine, four Merlin engines. 767 00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:12,440 It's good, isn't it? It's a clever insight. 768 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:14,640 It is quite cunning. So there you are. 769 00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:17,800 But now we're going to close, very excitingly, with a jolly jape, 770 00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:19,320 which I like to do from time to time, 771 00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:22,640 which is to bring out a really extraordinary mechanism, a device. 772 00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:25,840 It's called the Strandbeest. 773 00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:29,080 And if you know Dutch, you'll know that means... 774 00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:33,600 - Er, Strandbeest. - Yeah. - It means "sexy good times, Def Leppard". 775 00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:37,000 That's all the Dutch I know. 776 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:40,800 Strand is like English word strand, beach. 777 00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:43,680 And beest, as in hartebeest or wildebeest, 778 00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:45,760 is beast, basically. So it... 779 00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:48,160 - A sand beast. - A sand beast. 780 00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:50,560 So is this like a waiter that's done loads of tourists? 781 00:39:50,560 --> 00:39:54,400 There's a man called Theo Jansen who's an extraordinary artist inventor, 782 00:39:54,400 --> 00:39:58,520 - who has created this remarkable machine. Do you know about it? - It walks along. 783 00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:00,720 It walks on the sand without any electronics 784 00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:03,000 or anything else like that, just powered by the wind. 785 00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:05,400 I mean, it's extraordinary. Come of the things it can do - 786 00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:07,520 No metallic or electronic parts, remember that. 787 00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:09,960 It can detect the tide coming in, walk away from the water, 788 00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:13,000 anchor itself by hammering a pin into the ground, 789 00:40:13,000 --> 00:40:15,200 that's what it looks like, if the wind is too strong. 790 00:40:15,200 --> 00:40:18,080 It can even store up air in bottles when the wind is blowing 791 00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:20,520 and release it to keep itself moving when the wind drops. 792 00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:22,040 Lots of clips on YouTube, 793 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:25,360 but you have to go to Holland to see them live on the beach. 794 00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,880 But through the magic of the next big thing in tech, 795 00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:31,240 which is 3D printing, where you can print an object out. 796 00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:34,600 This is a 3D printed object, it's entirely 3D printed. 797 00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:37,400 It needed no extra thing except the propeller on the end. 798 00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:38,800 Wow. 799 00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:40,800 And this is a version of the sea beast. 800 00:40:40,800 --> 00:40:42,480 And instead of blowing, 801 00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:45,720 I'm going to use a little sort of electric fan, like so. 802 00:40:45,720 --> 00:40:47,760 There we go. 803 00:40:47,760 --> 00:40:49,760 Whoa, whoa! Sand beast! 804 00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:53,040 Isn't that cool? 805 00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:54,240 That's great. 806 00:40:54,240 --> 00:40:55,960 And that was printed out? 807 00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:57,480 But isn't that an amazing object? 808 00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:00,880 Oh, it looks really spooky. 809 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:03,040 I can't believe you got that from a 3D printer. 810 00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:05,800 - I know. - I feel like this is going to be bluff, 811 00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:08,760 - that can't be a real thing. - I promise you it's true. 812 00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:10,800 So how does it work? Is it a block of resin? 813 00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:13,520 It's basically lasers fusing powdered plastic together. 814 00:41:13,520 --> 00:41:15,200 Even though they consist of at least 815 00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:17,720 76 separate moving interlocking parts, 816 00:41:17,720 --> 00:41:20,560 they emerge from the printer ready to operate without the need for 817 00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:24,240 further assembly, with the exception of the addition of the propeller. 818 00:41:24,240 --> 00:41:26,680 - No way. - That's absolutely right. 819 00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:28,280 - That is the future. - Isn't it amazing? 820 00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:30,640 You want to make sure you hit the right number of copies. 821 00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:32,880 - Yeah. - Don't you, when... Oh, 12, oh.. 822 00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:34,720 12, it does take rather a long time. 823 00:41:34,720 --> 00:41:37,880 My house is full of sand beasts. Argh! There are sand beasts! 824 00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:40,600 But they are becoming commercially available. 825 00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:44,240 Now you can get a consumer 3D printer for about ?1,600. 826 00:41:44,240 --> 00:41:47,840 Although it's available on the QI website for ?12.99. 827 00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:49,520 I'm blown away by that, it's amazing. 828 00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:52,520 I think we should, let's hear it for this amazing machine. 829 00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:54,200 APPLAUSE 830 00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:55,760 Brilliant. 831 00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:57,320 Really impressive. How lovely. 832 00:41:57,320 --> 00:42:01,600 Well, that brings us to the end of tonight's questions, 833 00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:04,600 so please do join me now for the scoreboard. 834 00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:09,800 We have a clear winner. With minus five points, it's Cal Wilson. 835 00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:12,760 APPLAUSE 836 00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:21,960 And a highly creditable blue and dewy-eyed second, with minus 24 is Jack Whitehall. 837 00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:23,320 APPLAUSE 838 00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:33,800 It's crowded at the bottom. That's a very unfortunate phrase. 839 00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:38,720 With minus 45, in third place, Jimmy Carr. 840 00:42:38,720 --> 00:42:42,960 - Minus 45? - APPLAUSE 841 00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:48,840 But, six of the best behind, on minus 51, Alan Davies! 842 00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:51,720 APPLAUSE 843 00:42:57,440 --> 00:43:01,880 Thank you all very much indeed for watching. That's all from Jack, Jimmy, Cal, Alan and me. 844 00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:05,640 Spend the rest of your lives being extremely good to each other. Goodnight. 845 00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:26,400 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd