1 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,640 Well, goooooood evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:39,840 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 3 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:45,440 and welcome to QI, which tonight is just a jumble of J things, 4 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:51,280 and joining me in the land where the Jumblies live are an owl, Jo Brand. 5 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:53,600 APPLAUSE 6 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:56,480 And we have to have a pussycat, John Sessions. 7 00:00:56,480 --> 00:01:00,000 APPLAUSE 8 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:03,240 And a beautiful pea-green Dara O'Briain. 9 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:06,200 APPLAUSE 10 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:11,400 And...all at sea, with a mind like a sieve, Alan Davies. 11 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,920 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:22,120 So, let's hear your J buzzers, if we may. Jo goes: 13 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:25,120 # I'm still Jenny from the block. # 14 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,640 Yes, that was obviously some female artiste. 15 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:32,680 - ALAN: J-Lo. - J-Lo. - Yeah. - John goes: 16 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,600 # I got 99 problems But a bitch ain't one - hit me! # 17 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,600 I'd give you ten points if you knew who that was? 18 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,480 Uh...Usher. 19 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,520 - I think J would have helped you. - Jay-Z? 20 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:51,360 - It's too late now. But yes, Jay-Z is the answer. Jay-Z. - Right. 21 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:55,000 Or Jay-Zed, as we call him in England. 22 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:56,680 And Dara goes: 23 00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:59,200 # It's not about the money, money, money 24 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,000 # We don't need your money, money, money... # 25 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:06,880 - And that was? - The lovely Jessie J. - Jessie J, absolutely. And Alan: 26 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,080 MAN: # J, we're like Jack and Jill 27 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,200 WOMAN: # K, we're so kissable 28 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:15,000 MAN: # L is the lovelight in your eyes. # 29 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:16,480 Aw! It's The Alphabet Song. 30 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:18,720 I think it was Perry Como. I may be imagining it. 31 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,000 It wasn't a J person, was it? 32 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,360 - No. - I think it might have been his brother Jerry Como. 33 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:28,920 Never mind. Those are your J buzzers and J is our jamboree today. 34 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:33,120 So, what do jockeys use their whips for? 35 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,400 - # Hit me! # - Oh, oh, oh...! 36 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:41,320 Do they have whips? Or are they not called...crops? 37 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:45,120 A riding crop is a whip, so that's not the problem. 38 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:49,880 Well, recently they have decided that they can only use the whip, 39 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:53,240 I believe, on the flat, eight times, 40 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,240 and in the final furlong, 41 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:59,880 if they use it more than five times, 42 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,760 they forfeit their portion of the win, if they do, in fact, win. 43 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:08,560 Wow, this is very impressive. For all I know, you're right. 44 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,360 LAUGHTER 45 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:15,360 I know that in Britain, if you use your whip more than eight times, 46 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:18,720 there is almost always going to be a steward's inquiry. 47 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:22,000 Only if you use it on the horse. If you're hitting yourself... 48 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,600 Obviously. I was taking that as read. 49 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:27,880 If you go, "Argh, argh!" They don't mind! 50 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,920 Is he being lowered on like the old kings used to be? 51 00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:34,520 That is Frankie Dettori's signature leap from the saddle. 52 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,720 - He's wearing Arsenal colours... - He is? - ..cos he's an Arsenal fan. 53 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,600 - Is that the reason? - I made it up. 54 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,840 No, of course, it isn't the reason. He wears the colours of his owner. 55 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,360 There is, also, the very famous American jockey Robert Mapplethorpe 56 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:52,160 - who decided... - Arse jockey! - ..to put his whip UP his arse. - He did. 57 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,040 And photograph it. The way we all do, I think. 58 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:59,040 - And it caused rather a stir in American circles. - It did. - To say the least. 59 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:03,960 - It's a variation on the photocopier thing, isn't it? - Absolutely. 60 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:07,920 Wherein you put a photocopier up your arse? 61 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:12,200 - Oh, surely, we've all been there. - It was a helluva Christmas party! 62 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:17,680 No, I'm presuming it's some sort of encouragement to the horse to run? 63 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,760 You used a very important word - encouragement 64 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:24,000 because naturally the RSPCA and those who care for animals 65 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,320 are not particularly, frankly, pleased 66 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:30,600 by the sight of animals being hit for sport. 67 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,280 They don't find it acceptable. 68 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:35,640 - Quite a weapon, close up, isn't it? - It's a heck of a thing, 69 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:38,200 but there's been a study by the RSPCA at Sydney University. 70 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,880 They found that whipping does not have the effect of horsing a speed up. 71 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:45,280 - Er, speeding a horse up. - LAUGHTER 72 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:48,240 - APPLAUSE - These glasses... 73 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,960 I don't want to get all street on you there, 74 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,560 but when you horse your speed up, it does, say, 75 00:04:56,560 --> 00:05:00,080 it's when you get your methamphetamines and mix heroin in with it. 76 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,920 And that will make you run! 77 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,800 What have you done with Stephen Fry? 78 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:10,600 OK. Let me start that again. They found that whipping does not have the effect of speeding a horse up. 79 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:15,160 The RSPCAA claims this settles the case against whipping. 80 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,520 The study has been criticised by racing authorities. 81 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:20,920 They say it's too small a cohort of testings, 82 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:22,680 only 48 horses in five races, etc. 83 00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:25,800 According to jockeys, speed is not the main purpose of the whip. 84 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:29,760 The main uses are safety of both horse and jockey, 85 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,240 stopping the horse from veering, losing balance, 86 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:33,400 backing off from a jump 87 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,920 or prompting it to change the length of its stride. 88 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,720 They're never allowed to use it to coerce the horse. 89 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:43,040 The other is precisely the word you used - "encouragement - 90 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,040 which, obviously, the animal lobby says, 91 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,400 - "Come on, that's just a euphemism for coercion." - Yes. 92 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:52,520 "It would be delightful if you could run just a tiny bit faster now, this race is almost at an end." 93 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:56,160 I think we've all seen horses being enthusiastically "encouraged" 94 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,240 - in the last furlong of a race. - LAUGHTER 95 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,560 If you were in a race with somebody alongside you 96 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,160 - like at a parents' day, for school... - Egg and spoon. 97 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:06,680 - More the three-legged one where you have somebody with you. - Oh, yes. 98 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:10,160 If one of the people had a whip and felt that you were lagging 99 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,560 and other parents were beating you and then whipped you, 100 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,160 your motivation wouldn't be to run, 101 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,160 you'd think, "Stop whipping me, you prick!" 102 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,840 - You'd punch them in the face. - Yes. 103 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:22,520 And also the notion that "Ow! You whipped me on the bum, therefore, I will be propelled forward," 104 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:26,840 as opposed to reacting, veering off, randomly finding out what is... 105 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:29,920 I was caned in prep school and I never won a single race. It was terrible. 106 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:32,120 There you are, they whipped you every day. 107 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:33,640 They whipped me every day. 108 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:37,720 Did they whip you during the races? That would have been an impressive prep school thing, 109 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:41,280 if they gave you a head start and then ran after you with the cane. 110 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,880 - It would be a five-legged race. - I'm not saying that on a... 111 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:48,800 When you say "a three-legged race," you're thinking of two people, 112 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,520 but what we're talking about here, Dara, is horses and people. 113 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:55,520 I wasn't saying that the last time I went to a school sports day, I brought a horse 114 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:58,600 in an effort to win the three-legged race, and nobody sussed it. 115 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,080 LAUGHTER I would love to see that. 116 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,000 Have you met my delightful wife, Juniper? 117 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,280 HE SNORTS 118 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:06,720 LAUGHTER 119 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:09,760 What happened to the old carrot dangled in front of the horse? 120 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:12,760 Ah, the carrot or the stick, you're absolutely right. 121 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:16,640 Well, inflicting pain is not part of the intended method. 122 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,960 The whip currently used in British horse racing 123 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:24,160 has an energy-absorbing design, which means it does not cause pain if used correctly, supposedly. 124 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,440 The fact is, some people, 125 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:28,240 and I have to say, I probably count myself amongst them, 126 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:31,280 think it would be a nice idea to have a sport in which 127 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,600 you didn't have to hit animals at all. Maybe I'm wrong. 128 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,000 However, what does a robot jockey do? 129 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,480 Ah yes, these robot jockeys ride camels, don't they? 130 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:43,080 You are good, and you've already got the points. 131 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:44,800 Yeah, yeah, the robot jockeys, 132 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,240 they're a form of racing in Dubai, in particular, 133 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,680 - and perhaps across the... - In the UAE, generally. 134 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:53,800 They have camel racing and camels at that speed, probably could not take a human weight on them, 135 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:57,400 they'd have to be quite small. So I am presuming that at some stage 136 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:02,800 they experimented with either little people or with children. 137 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:06,400 But it was reintroduced by King Fahd of Saudi Arabia 138 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:10,880 in the 1970s, and children were indeed taken from their parents 139 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,240 and forced to be the jockeys on these camels. 140 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,280 What do you mean, "taken from their parents"? 141 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,480 People would just turn up at a random house? 142 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,280 I'm afraid, as you probably know, much of the service industries 143 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,320 are performed by Sri Lankans and Indians. 144 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:26,680 The Gulf Arab people themselves don't do much of the basic work. 145 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,480 It was Indian children who were taken to be jockeys. 146 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:33,160 It was not a pleasant story, there's no way of dressing it up nicely. 147 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:36,280 How much control do they have over the camels, exactly? 148 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:39,680 Well, they've got reins and also GPS, so they know where they are. 149 00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,640 Now, you may say, "Why put a face and a hat and costume on it?" 150 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:47,200 The fact is, the camels were spooked out when the robots just looked like machines. 151 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:50,600 The camels were much more relaxed at the idea that it was a human, 152 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,280 - because they've sort of grown used to the idea. - Right. 153 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:57,280 So these only weigh a few kilos, they're not that expensive. 154 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,480 About 500 each. They whip the camels by remote control, 155 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,640 because the managers are following in a truck, 156 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,840 so they do whip, I'm afraid. 157 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,760 They're far lighter than the child jockeys, 158 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:10,000 and I suppose it's less inhumane. 159 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,640 They were designed in Switzerland. Ha-ha. 160 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:14,280 LAUGHTER 161 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,720 Please may I tell you the only camel joke that I know? 162 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:18,080 - Please, please. - OK. 163 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:20,960 There's two guys in the army out in the desert, 164 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:25,320 and there's a new recruit, and there are no women around at all, 165 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:28,080 and the new recruit says, "What do we do for sex?" 166 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:31,280 And the old guy says, "I'm afraid it's the camels." 167 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:35,440 And so that evening, they're all let out towards the camels, 168 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,560 and the old bloke's running really fast 169 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:40,480 and the young guy says, "What are you doing? It's only a camel." 170 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,360 And he goes, "Yeah, but you don't want to get an ugly one, do you?" 171 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:44,800 LAUGHTER 172 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,240 So what are those camels we're looking at? 173 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,080 What sort of camels are they? 174 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,000 Hang on, I'm sorry, there is another camel joke. 175 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,600 LAUGHTER 176 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:58,440 Same starting point, taken from the first couple of minutes and said, 177 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,960 "Oh I'm afraid there are no women here, I'm afraid it's the camels." 178 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:06,400 So, late at night, the guy declares "I can't take it any more, I'm as horny as hell," 179 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,240 and he goes out and he rides the camel. 180 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,120 He comes back in and he goes, "Well, that's the best we can do." 181 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:15,640 And the man says, "Well, actually, when I said 'We've got the camels', 182 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,400 "we normally ride them into town." 183 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 184 00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:21,080 Very good. 185 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,640 Anybody else got any camel jokes? 186 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,240 - No. - Excellent. - They are dromedaries, aren't they? 187 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,720 Those are dromedaries, and how can you tell? 188 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,960 Because they have two humps. 189 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,080 No, because they have one hump. 190 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:38,240 Oh. Oh, I thought the robots were sitting between the humps. 191 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:39,840 It does look a bit like that. No. 192 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,200 Bactrian camels with two humps are incredibly rare, 193 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:46,200 - especially in the wild. That's a Bactrian on the left. - Oh, yes. 194 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:49,400 You find them in Mongolia and in China, and there are probably 195 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,600 not much more than 1,000 left in the wild. 196 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,600 They had them at the zoo when I was a kid 197 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,240 cos that's the sort I've been on. 198 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,840 That's what we think of as a proper camel, a two-humped camel. 199 00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,160 In fact, it only had one hump, then I sat on it 200 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,320 - and it looked like... - LAUGHTER 201 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:03,560 Oh, nonsense! 202 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:07,480 So, there's another sport associated with camels in another country. 203 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:08,920 Are you familiar with it? 204 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,720 Smoking? 205 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:14,560 There is Camel smoking, that is unquestionably... 206 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:19,000 - I wouldn't say a sport, but it's an occupation. - It's sport to me! 207 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,840 It is a physical sport involving the camels. 208 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:22,960 Water polo? 209 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,600 No, it doesn't involve humans. It only involves the camels. 210 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:27,960 Chess? 211 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:33,960 I sometimes... I look at you and I wonder where these things grow, 212 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,640 where they come from, what's going on. 213 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,680 It'd just be nice to see, wouldn't it? 214 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:41,320 It would be fantastic to see camels playing chess. 215 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:42,960 "Checkmate." 216 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,840 "Thirsty? Me neither." 217 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,400 "Let's go again." 218 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,240 Um, we have to go to Turkey 219 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,680 and in Turkey, they have two males and a female 220 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:56,720 - and as often happens with mammals... - Three-legged races! 221 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,920 - It wouldn't be three-legged, would it? - No. 222 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,120 You've got two males and a female 223 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,440 and that tends to make the two males fight, 224 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,520 so you then take the female away 225 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:08,520 and you have camel wrestling. It's a Turkish sport. 226 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,120 It's a kind of wrestling they do. 227 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:14,480 - They kind of push each other over. - It does look enormously popular. Look at the crowds. - Yes! 228 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:17,560 - That's good numbers for camel wrestling. - It's incredibly popular. 229 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,960 This is given to me as if it's unusual, 230 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,760 but I suppose maybe it is, maybe it's just me. 231 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,640 When they're in the mood for sex, 232 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,880 they urinate, use their tails to swish urine onto their own back, 233 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:31,720 froth at the mouth, spit and dribble. Isn't that usual? 234 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,520 LAUGHTER 235 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:37,480 Also our hind feathers flare 236 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,200 and we stamp. 237 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:43,400 That's right. Apparently, it seems they deliberately waste water 238 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,440 by this urinating and frothing and dribbling 239 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:49,360 as a way of showing their superiority, because obviously, 240 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:54,520 water conservation is what they're all about as desert animals. 241 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,920 Anyway, why does Joe Camel like Nosmo King? 242 00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:00,920 - # Hit me! # - Whoa! 243 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:04,400 Joe Camel was the mascot for Camel cigarettes. 244 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,160 Yes. There he is. Old Joe. 245 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,360 There's old Joe up there. 246 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:14,840 And Nosmo King was a British vaudeville act in the 1930s 247 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:18,800 and I think, obviously Nosmo King is "No Smoking". 248 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,680 That's right. He saw two doors. 249 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:22,640 Once said "nosmo", one said "king" 250 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,960 and when they closed in the theatre, it said "no smoking". 251 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:30,840 He wasn't tended to call himself Fi Reexit or something else that... 252 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,560 Emerge Ncyexit! 253 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,520 No, he wasn't any of those. 254 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,960 - It was in the 1920s, as you said, then the '30s... - Toi Let. 255 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,080 Roy Alcircle. 256 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,440 But you haven't actually answered my question, 257 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:51,040 - which is why would Joe Camel - like - Nosmo King? 258 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,200 - He'd like... - You'd think he'd dislike him. 259 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:57,720 Because Nosmo King used to be sponsored by Camel tobacco. 260 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:00,840 No. Joe Camel and cigarette manufacturers 261 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,240 would like something that said, "No Smoking". 262 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,760 It makes you think of smoking. 263 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,200 Yes! What psychiatrists have found 264 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,920 is that "No Smoking" signs make people want a cigarette. 265 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,560 It makes you feel rebellious. 266 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,720 Not just rebellious, it puts it into your head. 267 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,160 - It reminds me... - Putting signs up saying, "No Smoking" 268 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:21,600 - is something that makes people want to smoke. - Reminds me of the tube. 269 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,440 - It worked very well with that bloke. - Worked very well with him! 270 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:28,760 The fact is, anyway, the sign, "No Smoking" makes people want to smoke 271 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,640 so that's why Joe Camel would like Nosmo King. 272 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,800 That's a rather complex way of putting it. 273 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,320 - Now, which one of you can imitate an expectant jackrabbit? - # Hit me! # 274 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,920 - Yeah, wow! That's quick. - It's a kind of hare, a jackrabbit. 275 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:44,000 It is a hare. It's American for "hare", basically. 276 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,160 It's an American hare, yeah. But the female jackrabbit, 277 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,920 when she gives birth to her young, 278 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,800 makes no attempt to suckle them 279 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,320 and they are just left to... forage for their own. 280 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:54,960 So she's a bad mother. 281 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:58,920 - Daily Mail is going to go crazy with this. - I would imitate her like that, with a fag. 282 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:00,680 LAUGHTER 283 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,760 - I guess. - What you say may be true, 284 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:08,080 but there is something more extraordinarily true about the pregnancy of the female jackrabbit. 285 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:11,000 And this was something that was suggested by Aristotle. 286 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,000 I know how you love to have an Ancient Greek... 287 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,960 I'm distracted by that rabbit being fisted in the background. 288 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,960 - LAUGHTER - Absolutely. 289 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,120 I don't know who did our little silhouette. 290 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,800 It's not entirely successful. 291 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:27,480 It's a good effort and we thank them for it, but Aristotle suggested 292 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:32,560 that hares could get pregnant when they were already pregnant, 293 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,400 - which in most mammals... - LAUGHTER 294 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,040 Isn't that rather sweet? 295 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,080 I think you'll agree, is a bit peculiar. 296 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:41,160 Aristotle thought of it, and he was scoffed by scientists 297 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:42,560 until very, very recently, 298 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:45,040 it was discovered that he was absolutely right! 299 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,480 - It was discovered in Berlin. - Cats do this. 300 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,720 A male hare... Cats? 301 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,240 Cats do do this, yeah. 302 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:54,080 - A cat can have... - Impregnated by more than one tom. 303 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,680 Yeah, we have two cats and they have the same mother, but different fathers. 304 00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,120 And humans even can. 305 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:02,640 There were twins born in 2010, in Arkansas, conceived two weeks apart. 306 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:05,480 They were actually conceived at different times. 307 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:09,480 So one egg was fertilised, then another, so they could have had different fathers. 308 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,920 Twins with different fathers - it's a weird idea. 309 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:15,120 All this is recently new knowledge, but Aristotle was spot on. 310 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,040 It's known as "superfecundation", 311 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,480 when two different ova are fertilised in the same cycle. 312 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:20,880 Aww! 313 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:24,720 - Or it's superconception... "Aw, the little fluffy bunnies!" - LAUGHTER 314 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:30,040 So, complete the phrase, "Pregnant mothers should eat..." 315 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:31,520 - JO: - Loads. 316 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,360 LAUGHTER 317 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,880 Erm... Burgers... 318 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,920 The equivalent of two slices of bread extra per day, 319 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:41,800 and no more is necessary. 320 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:45,080 That's probably about right and that's only in the third trimester. 321 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,520 The fact is, the idea that you should eat for two, 322 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,640 which you managed to avoid, is nonsense. 323 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:53,360 A pregnant woman should eat no more than she normally eats. 324 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,840 She might have changes in appetite. 325 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,800 Did you have any particular dietary desires when you were pregnant? 326 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,880 I gnawed my husband's leg occasionally. 327 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,080 And that was unusual? 328 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,880 LAUGHTER 329 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,480 - Not as far as our marriage was concerned. - That's what I mean. 330 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:09,600 So did you have any peculiar appetites that were 331 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,480 specifically related to pregnancy? 332 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,480 - No, I was very boring, I didn't, really. - No sort of coal? 333 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:19,960 They say that you only want to eat coal if you're lacking vitamins, don't they? 334 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:24,560 - Certainly, exactly. - So, no-one eats coal any more. - So you were obviously not lacking anything. 335 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:28,680 - My mother smoked my father's pipe. - Could she not get her own pipe(?) 336 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:30,680 LAUGHTER Your poor father. 337 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:34,640 - It was her pregnancy that made her want to do it? - Yeah. She just loved pipe tobacco. 338 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,200 - God, that's extraordinary. - Yeah. 339 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:40,120 There's no more beautiful image of motherhood than a pregnant woman smoking a pipe(!) 340 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,680 Just the essentials of nature(!) 341 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,000 A woman going... 342 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,960 Then tapping it out on the table, and then digging a little bit out. 343 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:51,000 I thought you were going to say, "Tapping it out on her belly." 344 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,040 When I got pregnant, my grandma said to me, 345 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,560 "Oh, eating for two, are we?" 346 00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,680 And I went, "Bog off, I'm not cutting down." 347 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,280 LAUGHTER 348 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,240 Anyway, moving on... 349 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,120 - What have they done to the javelin to improve it? - # Hit me! # 350 00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:13,040 - John, you've got to stop answering every question. - Sorry! 351 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:14,880 Let the others get in! 352 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,760 - I'm sorry to be a bore. - No, you're not being a bore. It's fine. 353 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,280 I like enthusiasm. 354 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:23,280 It's just like a little puppy shagging a sapling. 355 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:24,800 - ALAN'S BUZZER - Thank you. 356 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:28,360 - Alan. - Didn't they change the javelin because they were throwing it too far? 357 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:30,680 - Yes! That's the point. - Were they in danger of hitting 358 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:34,200 the long-distance runners on the other side of the stadium? 359 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,920 You don't want them to be able to throw it further than 100 metres 360 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,360 and what kept happening was that they just got better and better 361 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:43,560 and there was a particular technique called the Spanish technique 362 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,560 which involved spinning your body round 363 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:48,040 like a discus thrower or a hammer thrower 364 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,280 and Miguel de la Quadra Salcedo 365 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:54,360 threw a javelin 112 metres using this system, 366 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:56,320 so it was outlawed by the IAAF. 367 00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:00,960 If you spear one of the judges and he staggers backwards... 368 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,280 LAUGHTER 369 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:05,280 ..and is taken into an ambulance and driven to hospital, 370 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,720 the record's going to be about five miles! 371 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,840 I think you're right! 372 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,360 That was their problem. Their problem was simply safety, 373 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,480 especially with this Spanish style of spinning 374 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,240 because if it went out of control, 375 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:19,880 there was no net like with the hammer, you could spear anybody, 376 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,840 so they banned the spinning business, the turning round. 377 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:28,600 But then javelin makers used special paint and dimples to improve the aerodynamic nature, 378 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,880 - so again, they had to ban that. - Like with a golf ball? 379 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,000 - I was actually a javelin champion when I was at school. - Were you? 380 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,840 I was, but I slightly ruined my career 381 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,600 because on the last sports day, 382 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,200 I was in the toilets having a fag 383 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,880 and I was using Swan Vestas 384 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,920 and I blew it out and put it back in the box while it was still alight 385 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,240 - and it blew up in my hand. - Ouch. 386 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,800 And so I had to throw the javelin with my left hand 387 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,480 and it went about three foot. 388 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:59,080 - Oh, dear! - They should make them throw underarm. That would be good. 389 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:02,560 That would certainly make a difference. At the moment... 390 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:05,480 At the moment, all these things have been banned, 391 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,400 all these dimples, all the special paint 392 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,960 but they'll have to make the javelin worse again soon 393 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:14,240 because the world record now, with the current javelin, 394 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:16,560 is 98.48 metres. It's really close to the maximum. 395 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:20,240 Is there a standard javelin they all use? It's not like they arrive at the stadium... 396 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,480 They ought, presumably, to allow people, 397 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,000 force people to take one at random. 398 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,760 Everyone puts a javelin in and everyone takes a javelin out. 399 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,360 Like a billiard cue or something, 400 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,720 but I will give you points if you can tell me, 401 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,360 as far as the javelin is concerned, 402 00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:39,960 almost exactly a third of all javelin medals awarded since 1908 403 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,920 have gone to competitors from three countries. 404 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,400 - JOHN: - Finland. - Keep going. 405 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,240 - Czechoslovakia. - Poland. - Bulgaria. The United Kingdom. 406 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:51,400 No, it's weird. You should have stayed where you were with Finland 407 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,400 - because the others, it was Norway and Sweden. - Oh, really? 408 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:55,960 Scandiwegia, is the answer. 409 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:59,600 Just, for some reason, they seem to be very good at throwing sticks. 410 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,960 There you are. Very good. 411 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,480 So, now, 412 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,960 which should you avoid going to bed with, 413 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,320 a jactitator or a jactitator? 414 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:09,840 The second one. 415 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,560 LAUGHTER 416 00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,360 Why? 417 00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:16,040 Erm...because... 418 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:19,520 it means, um... 419 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:22,440 someone that wiggles about a lot. 420 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:24,560 - Yes! - Oh, does it? 421 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 422 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,680 The official name for it is Willis-Ekbom disease, 423 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,320 also known as "restlessness", 424 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,880 or particularly, "restless leg syndrome." 425 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,280 That's one meaning of "jactitation". 426 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:40,840 - The other... - Yes, the other is? 427 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:44,480 ..is speaking unpleasantly of somebody? 428 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:48,120 No, nice that you're trying and don't be put off. 429 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:49,400 LAUGHTER 430 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:52,160 I still want to see that puppy shagging that sapling, 431 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,640 but it's a very specific... 432 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,560 I won't say "crime", exactly. 433 00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,840 it's a malfeasance, possibly, it's a wrongdoing that people do. 434 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:04,760 - And that is to maintain that you're married to someone when you aren't. - That's right. 435 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:06,480 You are so angry, because... 436 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,320 Wow, you're angry. 437 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:12,240 If a man says, "Oh, yes, she's my wife, we're married," 438 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:15,200 she goes, "No, we're not," you can go to court 439 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:18,160 and your remedy is a suit of jactitation of marriage, 440 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:23,840 in which you ask the court to declare you are not married to the person who is claiming that you are. 441 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,440 Is the "jactitation" the denying of the marriage, 442 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:29,640 or is it the maintaining you're still married when you're not? 443 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,800 A "jactitator" is one who claims to be married to you when they aren't. 444 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,800 So "Ding-dong," "Darling I'm home!" "You're not married to me." 445 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:36,960 LAUGHTER 446 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:41,200 - The bad guy is the "ding-dong," "Darling, I'm home!" in this situation? - Exactly. - Stop doing this! 447 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:42,400 LAUGHTER 448 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:45,600 So I could take you to court, because you never stop... 449 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:49,000 Saying that we are married. But we're married in comedy, Alan. 450 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,080 - We're married in comedy. - There you go again. 451 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:55,320 Comedy. Comedy and erotic love, those two, surely... 452 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,600 - Do you... - Hello! 453 00:22:56,600 --> 00:23:00,680 Do you know what the opposite is? Cos my husband often says he's NOT married to me. 454 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,160 LAUGHTER 455 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:07,600 - What's that called? - Shame. - Embarrassment. - "Embarrassment"! 456 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,680 On the subject of twitchy legs, 457 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,200 why do we dance around 458 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,960 when we need a pee, why do we do that? 459 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,520 LAUGHTER 460 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:20,320 To try and keep it moving so it doesn't come out of the pipe? 461 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:23,440 No, the odd thing is, it is the worst thing to do. 462 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:27,120 If you really want not to pee, keep as still as possible. 463 00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:30,240 Clench the end of your cock incredibly hard? 464 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:32,480 LAUGHTER 465 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,680 I've tried that, but it doesn't work. 466 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,760 I've found it best to get someone else to do that. 467 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,440 A full bladder creates a... 468 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,880 "Tie a knot in it". "ANOTHER one?!" 469 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:47,360 A full bladder creates a sense of urgency in the mind 470 00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:51,120 and the conflict between the desire to take action and relieve the stress 471 00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:53,360 and the fact that circumstances don't permit it 472 00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:58,000 is translated into various rhythmic displacement behaviours. 473 00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,800 Was it Enoch Powell who used to say, 474 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,000 "I always speak when I'm dying for a piss, because I do much more..." 475 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,560 It lends urgency. 476 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,480 Yes, and David Cameron thought he was going to have a crack at it, 477 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:09,640 - didn't he? - Oh, did he? 478 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,640 - Mm. - Oh, well, no wonder... 479 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,680 Wet himself. 480 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:18,560 - So, during Enoch Powell's famous Rivers of Blood speech... - "Rivers of piss" speech. 481 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:22,320 - Every time he said, "Rivers of..." he'd go... - HE GROANS 482 00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:23,840 - "Aah!" - LAUGHTER 483 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:25,000 That poor fellow. 484 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:29,320 I do think those urinals should be done on an obvious demand, 485 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:32,200 because the guy at the end seems very relaxed about it, but, man, 486 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:33,920 the guy number three, really... 487 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:36,360 - Whoa! He's desperate. - ..needs to go very soon. 488 00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:38,600 There's a perfectly good tree, just there. 489 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:39,840 LAUGHTER 490 00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:41,960 It's probably a pop festival, so half of them 491 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,920 are actually wanting to go and ingest drugs rather than urinate. 492 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:46,560 That's the thing. 493 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,080 "M'lud, they're probably horsing the speed, m'lud." 494 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,360 LAUGHTER 495 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:53,280 "They're smacking themselves with skank!" 496 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,400 "I know all the words, oh yes." All right. 497 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,080 Who gets most use from Jacobson's organ? 498 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:00,720 # Money! # 499 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,120 Mrs Jacobson gets most use... 500 00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:05,640 KLAXON SOUNDS 501 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:07,600 APPLAUSE # Hit me! # 502 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:12,160 All right. It's your turn now, John. 503 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:17,560 Jacobson's organ enables, particularly lions and deer, 504 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:22,720 to chemically detect the pheromones in creatures of the opposite sex. 505 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:26,880 - In lionesses, or... - Not just creatures of the opposite sex, but also prey and predators. 506 00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,360 Prey and predators. 507 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:31,720 Yes. It's an organ. You see it in snakes, 508 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:34,200 lions, it's not just related to mammals, 509 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,200 but it's a patch of specialised skin on the roof of the mouth. 510 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,120 Many vertebrates have it, including humans. We have it. 511 00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:42,120 Oh, yes, we do. 512 00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:45,360 Unfortunately, we seem to have lost the use of it. 513 00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:47,920 But snakes and lizards can tell 514 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:52,400 when an ant has been present a week earlier... 515 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,880 - just by using that. - Well, how useful's that?! 516 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,480 Well, it can tell them when it comes back again. 517 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,360 - "An ant was here a week ago"(!) - It might be. 518 00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:02,200 - LAUGHTER - That's really improved my life(!) 519 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:05,720 And they think, "Aw, I'd love an ant now!" 520 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:07,440 "No, it was last week." 521 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:13,120 But in the case of horses, giraffes, camels, zebras, big animals... 522 00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:16,360 when they do it, there's an expression you've probably seen them pull, 523 00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:19,440 where they almost turn their face inside out and stop breathing. 524 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:22,680 That's in order to get the chemicals onto their Jacob... 525 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,000 "An ant! There's been an ant! 526 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,600 "There's been an ant in this stable, last Tuesday!" 527 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:30,280 LAUGHTER 528 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:33,320 APPLAUSE 529 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:40,600 In their case, it's less likely to be an ant 530 00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:41,960 than there was female or a male 531 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,560 - or a predator or a prey. - Makes them look gorgeous(!) 532 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:45,960 It's a funny old look, isn't it? 533 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:50,320 The one in the middle has had its hair styled by someone from Girls Aloud! 534 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:52,760 - LAUGHTER - I think they're rather fun. 535 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,040 He's had the GHDs on that! 536 00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:57,560 A rather fetching Emma Bunton look, I thought. 537 00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:01,920 - Rather touching little bangs. - LAUGHTER 538 00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:04,520 So, what could be as good as spending eight hours 539 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,840 - sitting on the lavatory? - Oh, very little. 540 00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:11,200 What could be as good as sitting for eight hours on the lavatory? 541 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:13,000 With the seat up or down? 542 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:16,480 Sitting with the seat down, I think, probably. 543 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:18,640 In terms of evacuating yourself? 544 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,200 No, you're not actually pooing for eight hours. 545 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,320 Sitting on the lavatory for eight hours, you're expanding calories. 546 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:26,640 - Are you? - Just by sitting on the loo. 547 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:28,560 This is not recommended in any of the books. 548 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,440 - With this, we are all losing weight now. - We're burning calories. 549 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:33,280 Plus of course, we're using our brains, 550 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:36,000 - or some of us are using our brains. - LAUGHTER 551 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,000 Who did you mean by that? 552 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:43,480 The fact is, eight hours of sitting on the lavatory 553 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:46,800 uses the same calories as one hour of jogging. 554 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,600 - JOHN: - Good God. - JO: - No! - Yes! 555 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:50,080 Right, I'm off. 556 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:53,920 It doesn't have to be a lavatory. Pretend you're on the lavatory, 557 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:55,960 unless you want to go for a jog. 558 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,600 Unless you really are pushing, you're really heaving... 559 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:02,200 If you are, as they used to say, straining at stool. Yes. 560 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:04,280 Now, that takes some clenching. 561 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:06,840 Unclench, clench, unclench. That'll be good for you. 562 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:08,440 But eight hours, that's too much. 563 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:11,400 You'll have a sphincter that could grab onto a pool cue 564 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,920 and I don't know what you could do with a sphincter that could do that. 565 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,240 Don't go any further. You've gone far enough. 566 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:18,720 - Can I go further? - Please do. 567 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:20,320 Well, a friend of mine used to work 568 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:23,520 as a nursing assistant in a home for elderly people 569 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:26,920 and there was one very old guy, I think he was about 95, 570 00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:29,440 - and he was really constipated. - Poor soul. 571 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,480 So they gave him a massive dose of laxatives 572 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:37,320 and he was kind of left on the loo to see what would happen, 573 00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:41,360 and this friend of mine swears this is true, 574 00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:43,600 and he said that when he came back, 575 00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:46,320 this bloke was lying on the floor 576 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:48,560 and the reason he'd fallen off the toilet 577 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:52,160 was cos he had done such a big poo, it had levered him off. 578 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:54,960 Oh, my God! 579 00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:59,440 It's a charming story and I love it, and... 580 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:03,760 You not getting any cardiovascular work, are you, sitting on the loo? 581 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:07,080 - It's not aerobically efficient, no. - Plenty more where that came from. 582 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:09,600 There was a man who had a light bulb screwed up his arse 583 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:11,400 and this was mentioned to Alan Bennett 584 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:14,160 and Alan Bennett said, "What wattage?" 585 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:18,280 Where did modern jogging as a mass movement begin? 586 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:21,760 Jim Fixx in the 1960s, was it? 587 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,760 No, you're right, he was the first American to make it popular 588 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:26,560 - but there was actually... - ALAN'S BUZZER 589 00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:28,760 - Yes? - Forrest Gump. - No! 590 00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:33,840 - That is Jim Fixx. - (ALABAMA ACCENT) "Run, Forrest, run!" 591 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:37,480 That is Jim Fixx, who was the man who popularised jogging in America 592 00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:39,840 but who died of a heart attack while jogging. 593 00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,400 That fixed it for Jim! 594 00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:46,680 It did. The man who actually gets the credit for starting it 595 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,920 is a man called Arthur Lydiard, a New Zealander in the early '60s. 596 00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:52,520 The police would see people running in tracksuits 597 00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:53,760 and they would stop them 598 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:56,840 and it was just an odd sight. It had never been seen before. 599 00:29:56,840 --> 00:30:00,160 - Now we take it for granted. - Suspicious activity. - Especially in New Zealand, 600 00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:02,640 people jogging all over the place, very outdoorsy place, 601 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:05,360 but then, yes, they were constantly being arrested. 602 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:07,440 The father of utilitarianism - 603 00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:11,160 who would you describe as the father of utilitarianism? 604 00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:12,920 - Jeremy Bentham? - Jeremy Bentham. 605 00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:17,360 - He's stuffed. - He is. - London University. - They've taken him out. - The University College, yes. 606 00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:19,320 - They removed him, didn't they? - He's in a box. 607 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:21,520 Now you have to make an appointment to see him. 608 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:23,920 - Yes, because people kept stealing him. - They did! 609 00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:26,800 I didn't know. I did a debate as a student in London University 610 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:28,760 and I was walking around the corridors, 611 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:31,480 trying to get the thing ready in my head, and I just walked in... 612 00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:33,760 I saw this box in the middle of a corridor. 613 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:35,480 It's not like there's a big sign... 614 00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:38,520 - No, and he's dressed. - ..going, "Body in a box, body in a box!" 615 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:40,600 You just see this little cupboard 616 00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:43,240 and you look in and there's, like... 617 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:45,560 a dead man looking at you. 618 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:48,200 One of the most brilliant men of his age, of course. 619 00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:52,360 Jeremy Bentham and James Mill used their utilitarian hypotheses... 620 00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:54,440 - On John Stuart Mill. - ..on John Stuart. 621 00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:57,120 - James Mill was John Stuart Mill's father. - I see. 622 00:30:57,120 --> 00:31:02,320 And he and Bentham sort of bombarded poor John Stuart Mill as a child 623 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:04,960 with facts, so by the age of four, 624 00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:07,880 he could speak Greek and Latin 625 00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:11,600 and in his teens, he had an appalling breakdown 626 00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:14,960 as a result of this forced knowledge feeding, 627 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:18,320 and the only thing that brought him back to sanity 628 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:21,680 was reading the poetry of Wordsworth and Coleridge, apparently. 629 00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:25,480 - That's so like my own life. - Yes! - LAUGHTER 630 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:27,160 I thought it was only me. 631 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:31,160 I just have to do a story that's worse than the poo story. 632 00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:34,440 - Go on, then. - Well, it's to do with pranks at medical school. 633 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,320 - Oh, lovely. - My flatmate, 634 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:39,760 they had a girl in their group at medical school who was very annoying 635 00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:42,800 so they decided to play a trick on her, so basically, 636 00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:45,320 they got a hand from the lab 637 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,720 - and put it on her pillow... - Oh, God. 638 00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:51,200 ..in their student digs, and then they all hid in the kitchen 639 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:53,960 and she came in from a night out, went into her room 640 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:57,280 and they expected that she'd open the door and go, "Wah!" like that, 641 00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,560 and then they would all go in there and point and laugh 642 00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:02,440 and she went in there 643 00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:05,520 and for ages, there was just complete silence 644 00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:08,200 and they thought, "Oh, dear, God, what's going on?" 645 00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:10,200 Please, God, no, not what I think it is. 646 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:11,320 LAUGHTER 647 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:14,200 I hope you're not thinking what I'm thinking, Alan. 648 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:17,800 Please, let's not... 649 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:22,840 - Anyway... - Did she ball it into a fist? - No, no! Don't! 650 00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:25,080 And then couldn't get it out! 651 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:27,520 We're all thinking... It must be the wrong thing. 652 00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:31,160 No, so they went into the room and she was sitting on the bed eating it. 653 00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:33,200 - Eating it?! - No! 654 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:34,680 Oh, that's even worse! 655 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:35,840 - I know. - Oh! 656 00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:38,720 I'm sorry to have to tell you, but that's absolutely true. 657 00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:40,280 Why was she eating it? 658 00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:42,720 - She was hungry! - Because...yeah. 659 00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:44,600 Why? What? "She was hungry?" 660 00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:46,880 That's like, I'm hungry right now. 661 00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:49,320 I'm not eating your hand! 662 00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:52,640 Oh, Lord. Well, yeah. OK, how did we get there? Oh, yes. 663 00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:54,800 We were talking about jogging, weren't we? 664 00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:57,800 Then we were talking about the stuffing of Jeremy Bentham. 665 00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:00,120 Anyway, he invented a kind of trotting jog 666 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:03,280 that he called ante-prandial circumgyration... 667 00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:05,680 - Oh, for fuck's sake. - ..which was his way... 668 00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:07,640 How annoying of him to be intelligent. 669 00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:10,640 - Yes, very annoying. - If only everybody were really stupid. 670 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:12,760 It's not annoying of him to be intelligent. 671 00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:15,320 - It's quite annoying of us to be a bit thick. - Ah, now, 672 00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:19,560 don't be. Celebrate the glory of Jeremy Bentham. He was one of our greatest men. 673 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:22,840 However, jogging is apparently very good for the memory. It does seem 674 00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:26,000 that a few days of running can lead to the growth 675 00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:28,000 of hundreds of thousands of new brain cells 676 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:29,880 in the memory-forming part of the brain. 677 00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:32,800 I'm getting off the toilet and going back to jogging. 678 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:36,720 Yes, but you can also reproduce that by lying on a mechanised table 679 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:39,240 that shakes the body several times a second 680 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:42,120 - and that will also increase your memory. - What are those things? 681 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:44,600 Those things you stand on that vibrate really quickly. 682 00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:49,000 - Oh, those plates. - Yes, those are fun. - Little plates. - Th-th-th-th. 683 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:51,160 I think you sounded like B-Bruce Forsyth, then. 684 00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:52,600 LAUGHTER 685 00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:55,400 Yes, it's a Forsythificator. 686 00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:58,440 - Well, let's face it... - Very nice to see you! 687 00:33:58,440 --> 00:34:00,760 An evening here without Bruce Forsyth or Ken Dodd... 688 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:03,560 - Oh, you've got a good Ken Dodd story, haven't you? - Oh, gosh. 689 00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:05,120 Tell me your Ken Dodd story. 690 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:07,880 Um, a broadcaster of some description 691 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:10,880 went to interview a politician, British politician, 692 00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:15,440 and he saw this wonderful picture, as he perceived, of Ken Dodd 693 00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:19,360 on the wall, and the politician came in, 694 00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:21,800 and the guy said, "Oh, that's wonderful, Ken Dodd, 695 00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:24,560 "I mean, he's just one of the greatest, greatest comedians 696 00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:26,480 "this country has ever produced," 697 00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:29,880 and the man said, "Do you mind? That's my wife." 698 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:31,640 LAUGHTER 699 00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:36,000 - I want to know who the politician is! - I want to know, too. 700 00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:37,640 Whose wife looks like Ken Dodd! 701 00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:39,120 It's true. 702 00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:42,280 "My wife, or Doddy, as I call her." 703 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:46,640 "What a fine day, what a fine day to marry a politician!" 704 00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:50,680 Then in came the children. # "We are the Diddymen..." # 705 00:34:53,240 --> 00:34:55,840 The little Diddymen! 706 00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:57,520 Oh, my God. 707 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,600 Anyway, eight hours on the loo 708 00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:03,040 burns as many calories as an hour's jogging. 709 00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:05,880 So, what does a cockroach find absolutely disgusting? 710 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:08,520 Jeremy Kyle. LAUGHTER 711 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:12,400 - Yes! - Yes? - Is the right answer! 712 00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:15,840 Because Jeremy Kyle - almost, but he does count - is a human being, right? 713 00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:19,040 We don't like cockroaches and cockroaches don't like us. 714 00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:22,640 If they see us, they not only run away, as soon as possible, 715 00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:25,280 they wash themselves after they've been touched by us. 716 00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:27,080 They find us revolting. 717 00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:30,960 I used to live in a flat when I was a student nurse 718 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:34,400 and it was absolutely inundated with cockroaches. 719 00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:40,200 And one night, I came home from the pub and I'd left the telly on, 720 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:44,000 and there were two cockroaches sitting on the settee, watching telly. 721 00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:45,200 Wow. 722 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:47,800 They were looking at the telly kind of going, "Werr..." 723 00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:49,360 Was it a documentary about insects? 724 00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:51,880 It was Jeremy Kyle. 725 00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:53,360 LAUGHTER 726 00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:56,240 - So they like Jeremy Kyle? - No, there were people 727 00:35:56,240 --> 00:35:59,280 - in whatever they were watching. - They really don't like people. 728 00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:02,160 But also, as well, I was once painting the ceiling 729 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:05,160 in the flat and a cockroach actually fell in my mouth. 730 00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:06,440 ALL: Oh! 731 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:09,000 Cockroaches are everywhere, aren't they? 732 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,200 In hospitals, particularly, anywhere where there's sort of... 733 00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:14,240 I mean, it's a huge... 734 00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:16,440 I once went into a hospital kitchen at night 735 00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:18,840 and turned the light on and for a split second, 736 00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:21,480 the entire floor was brown. And then it was white. 737 00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:24,320 It's just astonishing. And then they disappear. 738 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:26,920 And they don't do that much damage, and yet they do repulse us. 739 00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:30,200 And the point is, we repulse them, hence they disappeared so quickly. 740 00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:32,720 But there is something that they must hate even more, 741 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:36,320 and this is a real test for anybody who's sung, 742 00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:39,040 "All things bright and beautiful, the good Lord made them all," 743 00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:42,520 because He also made some things not very bright and beautiful, 744 00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:45,360 and one of the least bright and beautiful things imaginable, 745 00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:49,440 which is a parasitic wasp that has the most extraordinary life cycle. 746 00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:51,520 They're called jewel wasps, 747 00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:53,680 because they're faintly jewel-coloured. 748 00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:56,480 They go up to the cockroach. 749 00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:59,440 They then impart a sting into its brain 750 00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:01,800 which turns it into a sort of zombie. 751 00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:03,960 It doesn't kill it. 752 00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:05,880 But it kind of makes it... "Errh." 753 00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:08,680 And they then saw off one of its antennae, 754 00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:13,800 and uses the other one as a lead... literally, and pulls it to its nest. 755 00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:16,520 There it's leading it, it's now pulling it. 756 00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,920 - As you see, it's much smaller than the cockroach. - Good God! 757 00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:23,280 This poor cockroach, I'm afraid, will have a pretty miserable time. 758 00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:25,720 He then gets packed into the nest... 759 00:37:25,720 --> 00:37:30,040 and then he lays eggs inside. 760 00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:34,080 And the baby wasp is born in, 761 00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:36,000 and eats the cockroach alive 762 00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:40,720 from the inside, in a very special order, to keep the cockroach alive. 763 00:37:40,720 --> 00:37:44,800 Because cockroach meat goes off very quickly and it's very warm. 764 00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:47,800 And that is the life cycle of the jewel wasp. 765 00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:52,920 Now, if you ask me that if there's a benign, divine God 766 00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:56,280 who looks down on creation and loves it all, you just ask him 767 00:37:56,280 --> 00:38:00,200 how the hell he came up with something so cruel, 768 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,080 so unpleasant, so vile. 769 00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:07,880 Only evolution could cause that kind of horrible life cycle 770 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:09,320 for the cockroach. 771 00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:12,480 I mean, it's a pretty grim business. So, there you go. 772 00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:15,520 I thought I'd leave you with that charming thought(!) 773 00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:19,240 - If only you could do that with Piers Morgan. - Yes, oh! 774 00:38:19,240 --> 00:38:20,960 APPLAUSE 775 00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:25,880 STEPHEN LAUGHS 776 00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:29,520 - A very pleasing thought. - Very good. 777 00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:31,920 Here's a simple question. Why are we all such arseholes? 778 00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:34,560 LAUGHTER 779 00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:37,320 Well, I'm contractually obliged. LAUGHTER 780 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:42,240 Well, let me say that there are two types of living creature. 781 00:38:42,240 --> 00:38:46,440 There are protostomes and deuterostomes. 782 00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:50,160 "Stoma" is the Greek for "mouth". 783 00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:54,360 If you're a protostome, when you are just developing as an egg, 784 00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:58,880 and dividing and turning into what will become a lovely little person, 785 00:38:58,880 --> 00:39:04,120 protostomes start at the mouth and then grow outwards. 786 00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:07,800 But humans... we start as an arsehole. 787 00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:11,840 We are deuterostomes, because we're "second mouths". 788 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:14,320 We start as a bottom and then work outwards. 789 00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:19,240 So we begin as arseholes. We all begin as little botties. 790 00:39:19,240 --> 00:39:22,560 It's a rather nice thing to know, it puts us all on an equal footing. 791 00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:24,320 Next time you look at George Osborne 792 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,400 saying something grand about the economy, 793 00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:29,360 say, "You started life, and continued life, as an arsehole." 794 00:39:29,360 --> 00:39:32,240 - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - So, there you are. 795 00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:37,280 Now, this is very exciting, 796 00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:40,360 because we have a very special finale tonight. 797 00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:43,960 Tonight, entirely alone, without the aid of a safety net, 798 00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:48,000 I am going to do something that has never been done by any human being 799 00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:51,000 since the beginning of time. 800 00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:52,960 AUDIENCE: Woo! 801 00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:54,200 - Yes! - Rash claim. 802 00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:56,240 And all I need is...this. 803 00:39:56,240 --> 00:39:57,760 "A simple pack o' cards!" No. 804 00:39:57,760 --> 00:40:00,720 All I need is, indeed, 805 00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:02,440 a simple pack of cards. 806 00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:05,320 What I'm going to do is shuffle them. I'll shuffle this pack. 807 00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,800 There are different ways of shuffling, as you know, 808 00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:09,400 there's the overhand shuffle... 809 00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:12,560 - Shut up! - ..like that. 810 00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:14,280 There is your standard riffle, 811 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:15,800 which just...riffle 812 00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:18,160 - and push the cards together. - ALAN APPLAUDS 813 00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,960 Everyone can do that... Wait, wait! I haven't come to it yet. 814 00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:23,560 And then there's the weave, which is rather more pleasing. 815 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:25,600 Some people can do a weave that's so accurate, 816 00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:29,240 they actually go A-B-B, A-B, A-B, A-B, like that. 817 00:40:29,240 --> 00:40:31,920 And there, that gives you a nice little fan, like so. 818 00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:33,600 It's a beautiful thing. 819 00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:36,920 And now I have produced a pack of cards... 820 00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:40,560 and that pack of cards, ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, 821 00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:44,080 has never before, in the history of our planet, been in that order. 822 00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:47,720 It's never been in that order before. 823 00:40:47,720 --> 00:40:49,280 How can you possibly know that? 824 00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:52,280 How can we know that? It's a simple mathematical fact. 825 00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:57,240 The order of cards is a gigantic number. 826 00:40:57,240 --> 00:41:01,920 It's a number which is known by mathematicians as "shriek". 827 00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:04,040 You write it as "52!" You'll know this. 828 00:41:04,040 --> 00:41:06,160 52 factorial. 829 00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:12,560 It's 52 factorial, which is 52 times 51, times 50, times 49, times 48... 830 00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:17,240 These are all the possibilities in which a pack of cards can be. 831 00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:21,400 Just 52 of them. And that number is big. It's this big. 832 00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:23,360 Look how big this number is. 833 00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:26,920 That number is so big that, were you to imagine 834 00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:30,400 that if every star in our galaxy had a trillion planets, 835 00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:33,960 each with a trillion people living on them, 836 00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:37,600 and each of these people had a trillion pack of cards, 837 00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:42,160 and somehow they managed to shuffle them all 1,000 times a second, 838 00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:44,640 and they'd been doing that since The Big Bang, 839 00:41:44,640 --> 00:41:47,720 they would only just now be starting to repeat shuffles. 840 00:41:47,720 --> 00:41:49,960 So, I can say, 841 00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:54,480 with all the mathematical certainty that is possible, 842 00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:57,920 that this pack of cards has never been in this order before. 843 00:41:57,920 --> 00:42:01,240 It's an absolute world first! 844 00:42:01,240 --> 00:42:03,440 Wow, very good. 845 00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:07,080 APPLAUSE 846 00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:10,760 I know that seems amazing, 847 00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:14,040 but that number tells it all. It is astonishing. 848 00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:15,800 And I have done something, as I say, 849 00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:18,480 that has never been done by any human being before. 850 00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:20,640 I've produced this pack of cards in this order. 851 00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:23,640 And for that I'm going to award myself some points, so there. 852 00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:28,200 Anyway, that comes to the scores, I think. 853 00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:31,480 We'll go in reverse order from... 854 00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:33,280 Well, from last to first. 855 00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:37,920 It's actually marvellous. We don't have a single minus number. 856 00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:39,400 We don't even have a zero. 857 00:42:39,400 --> 00:42:41,320 Everybody's on a plus! 858 00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:44,200 We have, equal, 859 00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:46,880 Dara, Jo and Alan with one point. 860 00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:51,320 APPLAUSE 861 00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:57,320 In a clear second place, with 16, is John Sessions! 862 00:42:57,320 --> 00:42:59,320 APPLAUSE 863 00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:06,520 But the clear winner, with 52 shriek, 864 00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:10,760 52 times 51, that number you saw, is me! 865 00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:13,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 866 00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:23,840 Well, that's all from John, Dara, Jo, Alan and me. 867 00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:27,400 Thank you, be utterly lovely unto each other, and goodnight. 868 00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:30,000 APPLAUSE 869 00:43:49,640 --> 00:43:52,680 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd