1 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,440 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:38,960 Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening, 3 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:43,480 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome, 4 00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:48,720 welcome to an episode of QI that is all about jeopardy. 5 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,960 Joining me to fight crime, fear and disorder tonight, 6 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,200 Wonder Woman, Julia Zemiro. 7 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,280 Yes. 8 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,160 A Super Girl, Sue Perkins. 9 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:09,680 A Boy Wonder, Ross Noble. 10 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:17,120 And our own Danger Mouse, Alan Davies. 11 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,360 So, buzzers, please. Julia goes... 12 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:28,200 PSYCHO STABBING THEME 13 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,880 Oh, that's jeopardy. 14 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,320 And Sue goes... 15 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:33,880 JAWS THEME 16 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:35,360 Ooh. 17 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,360 SHE PRESSES IT AGAIN 18 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:40,600 Yeah. Definitely worth doing twice. Ross goes... 19 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,440 DRAMATIC SURPRISE MUSIC 20 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,920 And Alan goes... 21 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,280 VEHICLE REVERSE WARNING 22 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:49,360 LAUGHTER 23 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:52,360 Well, they are quite dangerous, vehicles, yeah, good choice. 24 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,840 Yes, absolutely. Well, we must be vigilant, because danger stalks us 25 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:58,400 from the moment we wake up to the moment we retire. 26 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:02,400 How far can you go on a cup of Joe? Hmm? 27 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:05,600 - Cup of Joe being an Americanism for? - Java coffee? - Coffee? 28 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:08,920 - Coffee, a cup of coffee, yeah. - I thought it was an insane cat. 29 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,760 That you could actually ride on the back of Joe. 30 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,600 - That is a caffeine-crazed cat, yes. - That's a flat white too many 31 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:17,520 - for that little kitty. - It is rather, isn't it? 32 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,440 How far you can actually go in terms of energy? 33 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:24,480 - Is that what you...? - It's actually, it's more literal than that. 34 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,680 If you're carrying a cup of coffee, 35 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,560 how far can you go before you spill it? 36 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,560 This is all down to a science. What is the science of 37 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:36,600 - the movement of liquids called? Do you know? - Wobble-ology. 38 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,520 Fluid... 39 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,560 - dynamics. - Yes. 40 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,040 - It's a whole science. - Of course. - Oh, fluid dynamics! 41 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,640 It's a whole science and a most important one 42 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:48,760 and much has been discovered as a result of fluid dynamics. 43 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:52,560 It is a very useful and fruitful area of discovery. 44 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:55,000 One of the things they've discovered 45 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,040 is that the average human stepping pace 46 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,800 happens to cause an oscillation, 47 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:03,680 which means that between seven and ten steps, 48 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:05,800 you are going to spill the coffee. 49 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,000 You will set up a series of wave movements that means 50 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,960 the furthest you can go is probably about ten steps 51 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,520 before you will definitely have spilled some coffee. 52 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:15,040 This is the Mrs Overall effect. 53 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,160 Yeah, exactly. Exactly. 54 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:21,240 So, a long jumper could still perform and drink before it spilt 55 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,080 because that's only three? 56 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,360 - That's true, but... - Whoa, whoa! Hey! 57 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:28,400 I think they're talking about a normal walking pace rather 58 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,000 than a hop, skip and a jump, or a long run 59 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:34,840 but it is a peculiar fact and it's verifiable by trial. 60 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:39,920 Some scientists need some serious, proper work to be getting on with. 61 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,880 It was probably from not doing proper work. 62 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,560 They probably went down and just went, "Shall we get a coffee?" 63 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:49,560 And they went, "Oh, I'm meant to be working. Right, measure me. Hey!" 64 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,960 It is the University of California and Santa Barbara, 65 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:55,560 which is known as the surfers' university for slackers 66 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:56,960 in California, though I'm sure 67 00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:00,840 that's deeply unfair on a highly respectable academic institution. 68 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,400 They suggest a flexible container to act as 69 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,800 a sloshing absorber, 70 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,560 with a series of annular ring baffles. 71 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:09,000 So they're suggesting the... 72 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,600 Annular ring baffles! 73 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:16,120 That's a character in The Hobbit, surely. Mr Ring Baffles. 74 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:17,840 That sounds like space. 75 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:21,280 I'll tell you what, the amount of times my annular has been baffled. 76 00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:24,520 - Oh, dear. I'm always down the hospital. - Baffle your ring, sir? 77 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:26,040 Yeah. 78 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,320 - It's a bit of a tautology, because annular means ring-like anyway. - Yes. 79 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:32,240 - So it's a bit silly. - Annular ring baffle? 80 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,840 You used to take the baffle out of your exhaust pipe to make it 81 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:37,520 - louder when I was a teenager. - Baffling is sound muffling, 82 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:41,440 but it's also absorbing waves and that's essentially the same thing. 83 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,560 Because if you're muffling sound, you're absorbing the waves. 84 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,840 So if you put a baffle in your anus, that'll make you have quiet farts. 85 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:50,080 An arse silencer. 86 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:53,560 I suppose so. I suppose it would. 87 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,880 Until pressure builds up to such a stage... 88 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:59,840 - And then you're potentially lethal. - You could have someone's eye out 89 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:02,400 in the aisle at Waitrose, which you wouldn't want. 90 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:06,160 - No. - But there have been more obviously useful... 91 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:07,600 Baffle your ring, sir? 92 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:11,200 There have been more useful applications for this 93 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:15,440 business of whole... this whole resonance business of building up 94 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:19,840 frequencies that cause oscillations that can be dangerous. 95 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:22,280 And have you seen Albert Bridge in London? 96 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:23,880 There's a sign leading from Chelsea. 97 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:27,080 There it is. It's a famous sign, it's a rather beautiful one, 98 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,920 "All troops must break step when marching over this bridge." 99 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:32,560 - Why would that be? - Something to do with an oscillation. 100 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,960 Yeah, exactly. If you're marching in rhythm, 101 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,960 "Chunk, chunk, chunk, chunk, chunk," 102 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,640 you might set up a resonance that would cause the bridge to collapse. 103 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:45,640 The marching creates an oscillation, which creates an unstable structure, 104 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:49,000 which means the bridge can act like one of those pirate ship rides 105 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,720 - when the local fair comes. - Yeah. 106 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:54,520 That's why Michael Flatley can never get north of the Thames. 107 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:55,640 LAUGHTER 108 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,800 That's a true, it's a true reason. He's furious. 109 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:02,640 He's always wanted to go to Madame Tussauds. 110 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:06,840 Right now he's at the Elephant and Castle going, "I can't believe it, I want to go and see the Queen 111 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:08,640 "and I just can't get over there. 112 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:10,240 "It's a bleedin' nightmare..." 113 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,640 Shocking state of affairs. And the fact that... 114 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,440 Talking of crossing the Thames, 115 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,080 there's another bridge where that problem arose - 116 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:21,720 the Millennium bridge between St Paul's and Tate Modern, 117 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:23,640 the wibbly-wobbly bridge as it was known, 118 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:27,000 closed for two years and it cost £5 million to put right, 119 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,440 the fact that it was twisting in the wind. 120 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,840 That was mainly cos Russell Watson was making videos on it. 121 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,120 Every time you see any Russell Watson video, 122 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:38,160 it's him by the Thames, looking out into the distance. 123 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,800 There's nothing wrong with that bridge, it was him singing. 124 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:44,120 You've got Flatley up one end, you've got Watson up the other - 125 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:46,880 - it's a nightmare. - Good, well, I think we've... 126 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,560 LAUGHTER 127 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:54,760 Now, what's smaller than the moon and keeps moving the sea around? 128 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:56,680 Smaller than the moon. 129 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,520 Is it a seal on caffeine? 130 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,240 No. 131 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:02,720 Is it one of our other moons? 132 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:05,280 No, it's not a moon of any kind, it's not a celestial body. 133 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:09,680 - It's a marine creature. - Like a big whale? 134 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,160 This better be the blue whale. 135 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:12,840 It so is not the blue whale. 136 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,320 Is it an animal that lives in the sea 137 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:18,720 that moves the sea with its mass? 138 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,840 Yes, ultimately, with its combined mass, not its individual mass. 139 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,240 - Is it plankton? - PSYCHO STABBING THEME 140 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:28,520 Many, many, many fish, like a school of, a school of... 141 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,920 Fish. 142 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:35,600 No, it actually accounts for 40% of the biomass of the ocean. 143 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:36,880 Algae. 144 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:40,120 - No. It's, amazingly, not. - Cola tins. - But it's not a fish. 145 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,840 No. We call it a fish, but it isn't a fish. No. 146 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:46,200 - Jellyfish. - Jellyfish is the right answer. - Ah, genius right here. 147 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,000 It's quite extraordinary. 148 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:51,600 Now, it used to be believed that a jellyfish propelled 149 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:54,320 itself by squirting water out of the back, as it were, 150 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:57,480 by jet propulsion, but it's been discovered by the scientists 151 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,280 at Caltech that it's actually slightly more complex. 152 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,120 And what these jellyfish do is, 153 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,320 they essentially cause an enormous amount of the water at the top, 154 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,760 which is oxygen rich, to go down to the bottom, 155 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,200 and a lot of the water at the bottom, 156 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,920 which is full of nutrients, to go to the top. 157 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:18,200 And they keep the circulation of the water extremely healthy. 158 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,760 And they might contribute a trillion watts of energy, 159 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:25,080 which is easily as much as wind or tidal pull. 160 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,160 And they also mix the cold with the deep warm water at the surface. 161 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,480 I've got one I put in the bath 162 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,800 - so I don't have to do that. - Yeah, that would do it. 163 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,320 Just chuck it in the end... 164 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:36,520 Yeah. My God! 165 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,400 "Up your end, get back up your end, I don't want stinging." 166 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,880 So they're like the mixer tap of the ocean. 167 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:43,760 It's a very good way of putting it. 168 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:49,040 But they can be malign as well - it so happened in 1982 169 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:52,680 that a ship had in its bilge water a particular one called 170 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:58,360 the Mnemiopsis leidyi, which is a comb jelly, from North America, 171 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:02,360 and they arrived and had no local predator. 172 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:06,120 In less then a decade, the population had reached 173 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:10,560 a biomass of one billion tonnes in the Black Sea, 174 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,240 which is where they were. 175 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:15,120 And one billion tonnes is ten times the weight of all the fish 176 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,720 we catch every year around the world. 177 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,360 And it destroyed everything. 178 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:23,160 Fortunately, then an another carnivorous jellyfish arrived, 179 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:27,280 and it only eats the Mnemiopsis and so it ate them all, 180 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:28,760 and once it had eaten them all, 181 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,600 the balance was restored and fish returned. 182 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,160 Just one of these things turned up? 183 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:37,800 - No, a few in the bilge water of a ship. - And it ate the lot. 184 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,320 No, enough to breed, but my God did they breed. 185 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,560 Isn't that extraordinary? Those just little jellyfish that look so kind 186 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:48,360 of light and nothingness are 40% of the biomass of the ocean. 187 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:53,320 I think that's quite interesting. How many jellyfish are there here? 188 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,880 - In that picture? - Yeah. 189 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:59,360 What, is it one with a very flamboyant hat on? 190 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,160 KLAXON 191 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,960 - Oh! - Ah, dear. 192 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:06,280 Sorry, where are the words "with a flamboyant hat on"? 193 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,400 It was the one that was enough. But it is a flamboyant hat. 194 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,760 The flamboyant hat gives it its name. 195 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:14,320 Portuguese Conquistadors wore hats like that. 196 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,120 They didn't have many in Croydon. 197 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,840 They didn't, no. But... 198 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,280 Is it a Man O' War? 199 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:23,080 A Portuguese Man O' War is what it is, but it's not... 200 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,000 I'll give you a clue that it's not a jellyfish. 201 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,160 And it isn't even a single creature. 202 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:33,360 A Portuguese Man O' War is not one animal. It's a colony of animals. 203 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:37,520 - Oh, God. - Aaah. - That operate together as one, with incredible... 204 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:40,320 - Like the Borg. - Yes, we are Borg, exactly. 205 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,680 We are Borg. We are jellyfish. 206 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:44,640 Why isn't it called the Men O' War then? 207 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:47,560 I know, because originally people didn't understand that 208 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:49,880 and so they called it the Portuguese Man O' War, 209 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,960 it looked like a Portuguese helmet on the top. 210 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,920 The inflatable bladder along the top is one creature, 211 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,720 which provides buoyancy, and works as a sail. 212 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:03,440 The tentacles are separate and carry the coiled, spring-loaded 213 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:09,200 harpoons, which have the most incredible speed. 214 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:12,440 They explode in 700 billionths of a second, 215 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:16,080 which is the fastest known animal mechanism on earth. 216 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:17,480 And very painful. 217 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:21,680 And there are other creatures that make part of this colony. 218 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:25,720 Gastrozooids, which digest the food, and gonozooids, 219 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,440 which are the gonads, the sexual reproduction part of it. 220 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,120 - They're separate? - They are. 221 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,360 The stomach floats along and then you've got the gonads behind. 222 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,600 - Yeah. - So the stomach's looking for its bollocks, essentially. 223 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:40,040 It's called a Siphonophore, that kind of a creature, 224 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,480 and because they drift passively, 225 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:46,000 they collect in vast herds of thousands or so. 226 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,280 And that's why the appearance of one is enough to 227 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,440 clear an Australian beach, as you probably know, 228 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,720 because one tends to mean there are going to be lots. 229 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,320 And the sting is very painful. 230 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,240 10,000 Australians a year, on average, 231 00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:00,520 receive a Portuguese Man O' War sting. Not pleasant. 232 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,080 - Toughens you up though. - Exactly. 233 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,440 I mean, that's life, isn't it? 234 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,560 One day it'll toughen you up enough to win a test match against us. 235 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:10,800 AUDIENCE GASPS AND APPLAUDS 236 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:14,200 - Sorry. Come on. - Yeah, that's it. 237 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,800 How many times in history have I been in a position 238 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,040 to be able to say that? Not many. 239 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,000 - Oh, I know, and I enjoyed it, so much. - Exactly. 240 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:28,080 A Man O' War can hurt you, but not kill you. 241 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,400 But what is Australia's deadliest creature, in fact? 242 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:31,600 PSYCHO STABBING THEME 243 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,600 Rupert Murdoch. 244 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 245 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,040 - After Rupert Murdoch. - So sorry about that. 246 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,840 And the fact he came here. Yeah, sorry. 247 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,960 Yeah. Excluding a member of the human race, 248 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:51,200 which I'm not sure whether that does or not, but anyway. 249 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,360 Are we talking deadliest in terms of its actual killing ability? 250 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:57,680 - Causes the most fatalities every year. - I would say the kangaroo. 251 00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:58,760 It's not the kangaroo. 252 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,960 Is it the spiders, the funnel web, the red back? 253 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,240 KLAXON 254 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,760 It's not that. Spiders. 255 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,480 - It's going to be something on the road. - It's the box jellyfish. 256 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,200 - KLAXON - It's not, that is a nasty creature. 257 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,600 - But they stop your heart. - Is it people? - Is it rabbits? 258 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,120 Is it rabbits running in front of utes, 259 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,760 - or some sort of...? - You're right that most 260 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:22,520 of the deaths caused by animals in Australia are caused on the road. 261 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,760 - The animal that is most responsible... - Crocodile? 262 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,800 - DRAMATICALLY: - Is it man? 263 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,960 The most deadly of all the creatures? 264 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,440 DRAMATIC SURPRISE MUSIC 265 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,360 - Snakes. - Shark. - No. 266 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:36,560 KLAXON 267 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,880 - I was not born there. - Is it the domestic cat? 268 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,720 It's not the domestic cat, though in the year under, 269 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,240 the sample year we're taking, 270 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,120 one human being in Australia was killed by a cat that year. 271 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,960 But 128... 272 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,640 A cunning plan, executed skilfully and quietly. 273 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,720 - Yeah. - It's the road, the road's involved. 274 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,840 - Often the road is involved. - Are the people in a car at the time? 275 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,120 - Sometimes yes, but... - Oh, a kite, is it the...? 276 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,560 But sometimes they're on the animal involved. 277 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:02,920 - They're on the animal. - Horses? - Oh, horse. 278 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:04,240 It's a horse, yes. 279 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,720 - A horse, more people are killed by horses than... - Really? 280 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,960 - Oh, ho! - Oh, it's a very angry horse there. 281 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,200 That is a very angry horse. 282 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,680 - He needs a dental hygiene appointment ASAP. - It does. 283 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:15,120 Yeah, because they fall off and break their neck or 284 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,680 indeed they cause car crashes, and so on. 285 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,520 And horses kill three times more than the ones you've mentioned. 286 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:24,800 Is it because people just don't ride horses often then, all of a sudden, 287 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:28,840 they decide, "Oh, I did this once as a kid," and they get on a horse? 288 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,880 I mean, they're incredible animals. They're very powerful. 289 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,200 Incredibly powerful, 290 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,440 they're incredibly stupid and incredibly nervous. 291 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,960 They shy, they rear, they're frightened. 292 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,840 "Oh, what's that?" It's a hedge. 293 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:44,160 "Oh!" It's a piece of paper! 294 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,320 When we lived in Australia, my wife bought a horse 295 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,280 and she was desperate to try and get me to ride, right. 296 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,520 She said, "I've bought a horse, it's docile, you'll be fine." 297 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:58,320 - They never are. - Well, no, actually the problem was it was too docile. 298 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:02,320 What happened was it ended up being studied by Melbourne University 299 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,400 because, yeah, because it was one of the few horses 300 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:10,960 that was...medically got narcolepsy. 301 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:14,480 So I swear to God, no... 302 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:18,040 It's one of the rare cases of a narcoleptic horse. 303 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,800 So she buys this horse and she says... 304 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,280 She couldn't work out why every time, 305 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:26,320 when she was grooming it, it would get heavier and it would just... 306 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:28,480 LAUGHTER 307 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:29,920 "Oh, oh, eh, woah!" Like that. 308 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:32,400 And so she couldn't groom it, because it would fall on her. 309 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:37,440 So she says to me, "It's fine, the horse is narcoleptic, get on it." 310 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,560 And so I got on it, in full motorbike gear, because 311 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:44,720 I wasn't taking any chances, and I sat on this horse and it started 312 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:48,080 to just, and you know normally you kick a horse to make it go. 313 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,440 This one, you kicked it and it would go, "What? Eh?" 314 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:51,720 Like that, to wake it up. 315 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:55,520 I had a friend, he never came to visit us, unfortunately, 316 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,720 but I've a got a friend over here who's got narcolepsy himself 317 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:02,280 and that would've been the funniest thing. Can you imagine? 318 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,280 Cos he would've been on the back of the horse and then, like, 319 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,040 if they got it in time - it would be rubbish if he was awake 320 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:11,280 and the horse went - and he's like, "Uh!" and the horse... 321 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:14,000 It's a waste of time. Could you imagine, 322 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:18,000 as a cowboy film, a narcoleptic...? Just the two of them. 323 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,800 It was a genuine narcoleptic horse. 324 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:26,680 And sometimes it would fall asleep against the electric fence. 325 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,840 So it would go, it would go like that, "Ha, hey, ha, ho, ho!" 326 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:32,240 It's like Jack Douglas from the Carry On Films. 327 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,280 Yeah. It was amazing, narcoleptic horse. 328 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,560 - Oh, well, that's my kind of horse, frankly. - Yeah. 329 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:40,640 But it is the horse that turns out to be the deadliest animal, 330 00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:42,200 followed by the cow, 331 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,720 20 deaths are from cow, those are mostly on the road again, 332 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,040 and then dog, 12 deaths from dogs. 333 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,400 Sharks killed 11 in this particular period we're looking at, 334 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,720 though last year was a very bad year for shark deaths, particularly in 335 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,480 Western Australia, I know in Perth. 336 00:16:56,480 --> 00:17:00,280 Eight by snakes, which is amazing because Australia has something like 337 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:04,200 80 or 90% of all the deadly snakes on earth. 338 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,840 Crocodiles, alligators only four, spiders only three, and one person 339 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,280 killed by cat. 340 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,200 - But what a cat. - Yes. 341 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:17,160 - Did you see that woman... She had her bum bitten off by a shark... - Ow. 342 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,720 ..and they did, you know how they do face transplants? 343 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:25,800 - They did a bum-otomy? - They didn't put a face on it. 344 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,440 They did that to Ann Widdecombe. 345 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:33,920 So she actually had a bum transplant. 346 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,360 Who donates their bum?! 347 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,040 "Not my organs, but if you could just..." 348 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:42,040 I could do with one buttock, like a kidney, you could do with one. 349 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,960 A bum, that's just a bit of flesh, you could get that from anywhere. 350 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,760 I don't see that as amazing. 351 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:50,120 You could harvest that off somebody while queuing at the supermarket. 352 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:54,320 But one buttock? That's how you'd create the fart, 353 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:59,120 that would be... Where's the joy in life of going, "Oh, here it comes"? 354 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,120 HE SIGHS 355 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:02,880 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 356 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,840 Someone must go and measure our felicity by flatulence, 357 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,200 it has to be said. 358 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:14,440 I'm not sure that it's the vibrating of the buttocks that 359 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,280 makes the noise. 360 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,960 You want to get it baffled. 361 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,840 Yeah. Indeed. 362 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:26,880 We discovered in series G that spiders are not deadly as such, 363 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,960 but they are aggressive and they're certainly cannibalistic. 364 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,280 If put 10,000 spiders in one room, 365 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:36,160 you'd eventually end up with one enormously fat spider. 366 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,680 And the works of Shakespeare. 367 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:41,560 Yes! Anyway, horses kill twice as many Australians 368 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,680 as any other creature. 369 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,960 How would you defend yourself against this beast? 370 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,960 - Oi! - Oh. - What the hell is that? - Yeah. 371 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,600 - What is it, Stephen? I can't... - It's a dinosaur. - Yeah. 372 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,440 It's a dinosaur called Fruitadens haagororum. 373 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,960 - It's a weird-looking dinosaur. - It is a weird-looking one. 374 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,200 It's a friendly-looking one, strangely. 375 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,920 Well, if you ignore the massive great spear its got for a tail. 376 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,320 - That is pretty big. - It's got a lovely fringe though. 377 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,160 - It's got a mohawk. - It's actually feathered, in fact. 378 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,880 - Oh, feathered fringe. - And it has front fangs upwards, very unusual. 379 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:17,080 - Front fangs and a feathered fringe? - Front fangs and a feathered fringe. 380 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:18,400 Are you Ronnie Barker? 381 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:24,960 The surprising thing about it, I suppose, is that we have this 382 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:28,040 view of dinosaurs, which is largely to do with their size. 383 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:29,680 The way to deal with that would be 384 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,280 just to squash it with your foot, because it's tiny. 385 00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,400 It's absolutely... It's basically about four inches tall. 386 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,240 It's the smallest dinosaur we know about. 387 00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:41,120 Tiny-winy little dinosaur. Absolutely, four inches, that's it. 388 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:44,680 - So was it a herbivore? An omnivore? Aaah. - Aah. 389 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,960 Paris Hilton would have that in a flash. 390 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:51,600 Yeah, exactly. It's about the size of a Chihuahua. A tiny Chihuahua. 391 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:55,240 It ate plants and worms and some people think frogs, possibly. 392 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:56,840 It lived in the late Jurassic period, 393 00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:59,200 150 million years ago, 394 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,680 dodging between the legs of all the Allosauruses and Brachiosauruses. 395 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:05,680 It's called "Fruitadens" 396 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:09,520 because the first fossilised remains of one were found in Fruita, 397 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:13,320 which you may remember is a town in Colorado, which gave the world 398 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:16,760 Mike the Headless Chicken, who was a hero of a QI episode some years ago. 399 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,480 Oh yes, Mike the Headless Chicken. 400 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,560 - Though it's a bit of a coincidence. - He lived for years. 401 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,000 So it's probably a scavenger. 402 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,440 It was the dinosaur equivalent of a rat, probably. 403 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:28,440 - Four inches, that thing's four inches? - Four inches, yeah. 404 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:32,200 Ornithischia is the name of its family, "bird-hipped" that means. 405 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:36,240 Its closest living relative is a bird. 406 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:40,120 As you probably know, a lot of people think that all dinosaurs were ancestors of birds, 407 00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:44,360 and it's certainly true that recent experiments have been able to 408 00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:47,280 trigger ancient dinosaur genes. 409 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,760 They've managed to produce chicken embryo that grew 410 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,320 curved dinosaur fangs by triggering 411 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:57,080 dormant genes that are not usually triggered in the birth of a chicken. 412 00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,720 I bet Colonel Sanders is shitting himself! 413 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,720 And then they grew one with a small tail, not a feathery tail, 414 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:03,760 but a real tail. 415 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,600 And palaeontologist Jack Horner, who wrote a book called 416 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:10,080 How To Build A Dinosaur, predicts the imminent arrival of the world's 417 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:14,720 first chicken-osaurus, basically a chicken with fangs, tails and arms. 418 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,680 - You're talking crazy stuff. - I know it is crazy stuff, isn't it? 419 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,720 It would have scared the living daylights... 420 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:22,680 They'll still make the KFC fang-o-saurus burger. 421 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,120 Nothing will stop them. 422 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,720 But no dinosaur was bigger than what? 423 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,880 What is the biggest living creature that has ever existed on the planet? 424 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:32,360 The T-Rex? Or that giant tall one there. 425 00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:35,160 No, I said no dinosaur was ever bigger than the biggest living... 426 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,760 - Oh, I see. - The whale. - The blue whale, 427 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:40,440 it was your chance to be right with the blue whale, Alan! 428 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:44,880 The blue whale is bigger than any dinosaur. I know. 429 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,680 Ooh. Bummeroony. I'm so sorry. 430 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,920 But there still are very small reptiles. 431 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:53,360 I've been to Madagascar and had one, a brookesia chameleon, a pygmy chameleon, 432 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:56,200 and I've had one right on my finger and you can see that. 433 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,360 They are absolutely, they are perfect, perfect chameleons. 434 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:00,840 Was it tasty? 435 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,320 Aaah. 436 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,360 Here's a question, if you ate a chameleon...? 437 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:06,080 It was just the most beautiful thing. 438 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:08,440 Went for a night walk in the woods and came across it. 439 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:11,000 Obviously incredibly easy to miss. 440 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,600 And they sit there quite happily on your finger. 441 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:17,360 They are perfect chameleons, their eyes do the thing of swivelling in all directions. 442 00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:22,320 Right, so, if you're threatened by a Fruitadens dinosaur, 443 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,200 the best thing is probably to squish it with your foot. 444 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:28,600 How did blind King John of Bohemia find his way round the battlefield? 445 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:29,920 Like that. 446 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:35,000 - By saying, "Where are we?!" - He must have had helpers. 447 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,440 - Somebody must have helped him. - They did in the most particular way. 448 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:42,040 He became King of Bohemia in Poland as a teenager and he loved war 449 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:45,360 and that was his undoing, because he developed ophthalmia 450 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:48,480 and became blind but that didn't stop him from wanting to fight. 451 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,600 He joined up with Philip IV of France 452 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:55,000 and made the big mistake of taking on Britain. 453 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,080 Oh, you don't do that. Oh, no. 454 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,440 We get the dusty old cane out of the cupboard 455 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:04,000 and we give Johnny Frenchman a damn good slapping. 456 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:09,120 - So this is the Hundred Years' War? - It was indeed. 457 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:15,280 In 1346, 30,000 troops of Philip, including blind John of Bohemia, 458 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:19,040 died at the battle and 200 English died. 459 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,880 - That is embarrassing. - That is a bit embarrassing. 460 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,080 It is a bit of a whitewash. 461 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,760 But many people regard that battle as the end of chivalry 462 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:29,320 because we cheated by using longbows and canon. 463 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,280 - You see! - The French were used to hand-to-hand combat 464 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:37,000 - and they just couldn't cope. - "I spit on your face!" 465 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:41,000 "Let's have a little wine before we begin. Just a little." 466 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,520 We had a technological advantage. 467 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:46,360 You'd think after 20,000 the other 10,000 think, "You know, I'm going to jack this in." 468 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:50,000 Actually, John of Bohemia's son Charles did run away, very sensibly, 469 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:53,440 and had a very successful life. He became a highly creditable holy Roman emperor 470 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:56,160 and presided over a golden age of Bohemia. 471 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,320 Who goes in and cleans up this mess? 472 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:01,080 Oh, there's a lot of scavenging, I'm afraid, of the dead bodies. 473 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,440 It's a pretty nasty business, those battles, 474 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:07,640 but importantly John did fight. What he would do was, as it were, 475 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:11,000 he would have a rider to the left of him and rider to the right of him 476 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,360 and he would be lashed to them and they pointed him 477 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,840 in the right direction and he would just wield away. 478 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,920 The two of them surely would just ride well away from the battle 479 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,000 saying, "You've got him, sir, you've got him! 480 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,880 "There's another one. Well done, sir!" And bash swords together. 481 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,520 Unfortunately... 482 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:31,880 - With sound effects. - The whistle of arrows. - "That was a close one! 483 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,000 "Oh, I'm hit, sir! I'm hit!" 484 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,200 That's what you and I would do, but unfortunately they were too stupid 485 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:39,320 and they did indeed dart into the fray. 486 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:40,800 Is this what they wore? 487 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,640 One's got one of those perfume bottles and a pineapple on his head. 488 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:47,360 The other one's wearing those things that you squeeze an orange with. 489 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:49,360 Oh, yes! That's right. It is. 490 00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:51,320 A lemon juicer kind of thing. 491 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:54,160 Did he ask for that costume or was it cos he was blind and went, 492 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:57,000 "Stick a pineapple on his head. That'll be a laugh?" 493 00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:58,760 How would they choose who would flank? 494 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,440 I guess he just gave orders, "You will go one side of me and you will go the other." 495 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:06,320 That'd be a great idea for blind people nowadays with the white stick. 496 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,040 Some people don't get out their way and don't pay them respect. 497 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,960 I say we get rid of the white stick, give them a sword, 498 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,200 down the street like that. 499 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:18,800 People in wheelchairs, the old Boadicea things out the side. 500 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:23,240 - Or a light sabre. - Exactly. Now we're talking. 501 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,200 Can you get those? Are they real then? 502 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:26,480 Oh, yeah. 503 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:29,080 They are real. They are absolutely real. 504 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:31,560 IMITATES MOVING LIGHT SABRE 505 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:37,000 If you strike me down now, I will become more powerful than ever. 506 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,600 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 507 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:47,040 Alec Guinness spoke of a story when he became Catholic 508 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:51,280 and when his son Matthew was about eight, 509 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:55,040 he decided to give him a crucifix for his birthday. 510 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:58,120 "You may not appreciate it now, but one day you will find 511 00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:00,480 "this extremely important." 512 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:02,760 And Matthew picked it up and just went... 513 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:04,160 IMITATES AN AEROPLANE 514 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,920 Well, blind King John of Bohemia did die in the Battle of Crecy, 515 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:14,120 but so brave was he considered by the victor of Crecy, 516 00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:16,080 the Black Prince, 517 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,840 that he took blind King John of Bohemia's motto, 518 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,240 which was German for "I serve." Do you know what that is? 519 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,560 - Where the bloody hell am I? - Ich... Ich... 520 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:28,000 - Yes, the Prince of Wales. - Ich... - Ich dien, 521 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:31,880 which is still the motto of the Prince of Wales, "I serve". 522 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:34,960 Also, this is more controversial, the three ostrich feathers that were 523 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:36,360 the symbol of Bohemian Prince 524 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:39,120 and it all comes from blind King John of Bohemia. 525 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:43,080 Anyway, so that was the Battle of Crecy - the end of the days 526 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,080 of chivalry, the beginning of machine wars if you like, 527 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,520 - longbows and canons and so on. - And cheating. 528 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,320 And cheating, if you want to put it that way. 529 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:52,800 Speaking of riding into danger, 530 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:58,520 which fairground ride is most dangerous - the Wall of Death, 531 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:02,680 the Wheel of Death, the Death Slide 532 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,720 or the Euthanasia Coaster? 533 00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:09,680 Well, I'd go for the latter, but that's just, 534 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,960 - I've been on a Wall of Death. - Yes, what is a Wall of Death? 535 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,080 That's the bike where you go up and there's a... 536 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,680 - What keeps you from falling? - Sticky tape. 537 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,880 LAUGHTER 538 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:24,920 Audience? Centripetal, centripetal force. 539 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:29,360 - Like a salad spinner. - Yeah, if you like, exactly. - Was it fun? 540 00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:32,360 It's a lot of fun, my dad detached his retina. 541 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:35,120 - Woah, seriously? - Yeah. - No! - Yeah, on the... 542 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,520 What, before he got on, he went, "Right, here we go, hey!" 543 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,680 - He wanted to be like blind King John of Bohemia. - Yes, and you stick. 544 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:42,880 My sister went on one of those, right, 545 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,280 at the Cramlington Carnival and as it was going around, 546 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:50,680 there was a kid next to her with a goldfish in a bag and it exploded. 547 00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,560 - Ah. - Oh, no! 548 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:55,800 But the trouble is, he couldn't do anything about it, 549 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,880 she couldn't do anything about it, so they're on there like that, 550 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,840 "Wey hey!" and it went, "Boof!" like that. 551 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:04,040 And the two of them just sort of go, "Woah!" like that. 552 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,000 As it slowed down, "Blurgh," and then, yeah. 553 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:07,240 Poor little goldfish. 554 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:10,240 The Wall of Death is also an expression 555 00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,920 at heavy metal concerts. 556 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:17,120 - Yes. - Just before some amazing song that's going to go off, 557 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:22,280 all the fans move out into two lines and leave a passageway 558 00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:25,760 and before the most violent sort of song reaches some crescendo, 559 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:27,720 - they all go, "Boom!" - Absolutely right. 560 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:31,200 It's a kind of moshing wall, exactly, in which they fight, 561 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,720 and there has been a death at one of those in fact. 562 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,600 Well done for naming that. Definite points there. 563 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,800 The Wall of Death was first seen in Coney Island in 1915. 564 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:42,960 There have been a few reported accidents but no fatalities, 565 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:47,120 - and we can add to that list, two detached retinae. - Yeah. 566 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:50,320 There was one, a guy had a bear on. Have you seen that? 567 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:54,160 A car on a Wall of Death and there's a bear in the car. 568 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:58,000 - Poor bear. - Just putting it out there. - Not nice! 569 00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:00,600 The Wheel of Death is slightly harder to describe, 570 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:03,480 it's a circus apparatus, a beam attached to a tower. 571 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:08,320 The tower rotates about its centre and there's a hoop 572 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:11,080 and the acrobat stands inside and they're inside something 573 00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:14,160 that's also rotating so it's a kind of double rotation thing. 574 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:19,120 - With no safety cables? - No, it was invented in 1933 as the space wheel 575 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:22,640 and there were fatalities and then it was brought back in 1970 576 00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:25,320 as the Wheel of Death and, ironically, since then, 577 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:27,240 there have been no deaths. It's been safer. 578 00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:29,560 - Have you seen the Globe of Death? - Oh, no. What's that? 579 00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:31,560 It's like a mesh ball, like that, 580 00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,040 and one motorbike goes round, like this, 581 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:36,720 - and the other one goes like that. - Oh, my God! 582 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,680 - The timing has to be so good. - Yeah. 583 00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:43,360 The Death Slide is really better known as a zip wire. 584 00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:46,120 But you are right that in theory the most deadly of them 585 00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:47,760 all is the Euthanasia Coaster. 586 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:50,200 It's a project of an art student in London called 587 00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:53,480 Julijonas Urbonas, a Lithuanian PHD student. 588 00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:56,000 It exists as a 1:500 scale model, and you can see there, 589 00:29:56,000 --> 00:30:00,200 the idea is that the ride would last three minutes. 590 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:04,320 A two minute ascent to the very, very top, it's 1,600 foot. 591 00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:06,200 - Oh, God! - So very, very high. 592 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:09,440 You then have a minute's 223mph plunge 593 00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:12,640 down into those rolls like that, during which you're 594 00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:18,680 pulling ten G's, and that would kill the rider through what's called 595 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:23,880 cerebral hypoxia, in other words, deprivation of oxygen to the brain. 596 00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:27,560 - Have Chessington World of Adventure bought it? - No, they haven't. 597 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:30,600 He believes his design offers a humane and meaningful death. 598 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:32,520 I don't know quite why it's meaningful. 599 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,040 - Die like a screaming clown. - That would be amazing, 600 00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:39,160 - because you could actually build a chapel at the end. - Yes. 601 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:42,240 - And the family could just sit there. - Absolutely. 602 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:44,640 And then the best thing of all is, after the funeral, 603 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:46,800 you get a picture of your loved one, like that. 604 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 605 00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:58,800 - On a handy key ring. - Have it on mugs, anything you want. 606 00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:01,960 Well, he believes that the ascent offers the chance for reflection 607 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:05,440 and the riders can still pull out once they've reached the top. 608 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:09,120 If not, death is painless, quick and apparently euphoric. 609 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:10,960 Though how they know, I don't know. 610 00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:15,000 There's one in Auckland, one of those ball things that you 611 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:17,960 sit in and you have the bungee straps and they fire you up the top. 612 00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:19,920 - Oh, my goodness. - But they make you wear like 613 00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:21,440 one of those surgical mask things. 614 00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:24,840 And I said, "Why are they wearing the surgical masks?" 615 00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:28,200 And apparently, because it's right next to an office building, 616 00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:31,720 people are trying to work and you hear, "Arrrgh!" 617 00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:36,440 Like this. And it was putting them off. So now it's kind of, "Wargh." 618 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:40,040 So some bloke's going, "Well, our predicted sales over the next..." 619 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:41,800 "Waaargh!" 620 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:45,600 Vomit on the windows. 621 00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:48,120 I went to Alton Towers once and they had this ride 622 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:51,560 where you just go along and then you get to the edge of a vertical drop 623 00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:53,800 and it goes like that and everyone goes, "Aargh!" 624 00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:56,480 And then it just drops you straight down a hole in the ground. 625 00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:58,480 - Good God! - And if you sit in the cafe next to it, 626 00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:01,480 you can see it out the window. So while you're having your sandwiches, 627 00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:04,720 about every 60 seconds, "Aargh!" 628 00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:07,400 - LAUGHTER - "Aargh!" 629 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:11,640 - All day long. - Why do people...? I couldn't bear it. 630 00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:13,920 I'm always fascinated why people love that feeling. 631 00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:15,680 I mean, roller coasters when I was a kid, 632 00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:18,720 it was like, "Argh," and that was it. But now they're so extreme. 633 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:22,400 - Yeah. They really are. - I don't get the kind of exhilaration of it. 634 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,480 No. I've bungee jumped and that was so exciting, 635 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:29,080 I immediately had to do it again, I absolutely loved it. 636 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:31,960 What about the guy who made his own bungee jump? 637 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:33,640 That was stupid. 638 00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:36,560 - I think he won a Darwin Award. - Oh, dear. 639 00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:38,640 He made his own bungee jump with a rope. 640 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,600 LAUGHTER 641 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:42,880 So, just hung himself. 642 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:44,800 Well, no, it took his foot off. 643 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:47,040 AUDIENCE GASPS 644 00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:49,040 When the rope went taut, his foot came off. 645 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:52,640 - That's just horrific. - That's what the Darwin Awards are all about. 646 00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:54,120 Yeah, it certainly is. 647 00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:57,040 What's the biggest dead body in the world? 648 00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:58,400 'Vehicle reversing.' 649 00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:00,040 Blue whale. 650 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:01,640 KLAXON 651 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:12,760 - I'll give you a hint, it's a body of water. - The Dead Sea. 652 00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:14,520 KLAXON 653 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:19,240 - No, it isn't the Dead Sea. - The Black Sea cos of the jellyfish. - Yes! 654 00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:22,760 Not because of the jellyfish. They certainly didn't help, 655 00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:26,400 but the Black Sea only the very top has any living things growing. 656 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:29,280 90% of it is absolutely dead 657 00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:32,680 and it is much, much, much, much, much, much bigger 658 00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:34,920 than the Dead Sea, and much, much deader, 659 00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:38,840 90% as I say is just simply nothing. 660 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:41,960 It's been dead for millennia so it's not our fault for once. 661 00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:45,640 It's a very steep basin into which the upper and lower layers don't mix 662 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:49,960 and the bacteria use up all the oxygen and you take the oxygen out of a sulphate, 663 00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,800 you're left with hydrogen sulphide, which is the rotten eggs' smell 664 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:56,240 the Black Sea is the largest reservoir of hydrogen sulphide 665 00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:58,160 on the planet and it's deadly. 666 00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,760 Is there any use for that? Someone can devise a use for that, 667 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:03,800 some scientist who isn't measuring how long it takes to spill 668 00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:06,000 his coffee on the way back from the machine. 669 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:07,640 They have already devised a use for it 670 00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:10,480 - and that is as a poison to kill people. - Great(!) 671 00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:12,960 If the euthanasia rollercoaster doesn't take off. 672 00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:14,840 It's a hell of a Butlins. 673 00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:18,560 In Japan, in particular, it's very, very popular 674 00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:21,880 because you can use various household cleaners and pesticides 675 00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:24,000 to make it and 2,000 detergent suicides 676 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:27,280 as they're called have been recorded in Japan since 2005. 677 00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:30,680 A single breath is enough to kill a human being. 678 00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:33,320 It's almost as deadly as hydrogen cyanide. 679 00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:37,080 It's a lot, isn't it? I know, it's pretty disturbing. 680 00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:39,200 One of the dangers is that after the first sniff 681 00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:43,000 it does not smell anything, it kills the olfactory system 682 00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:45,400 and so 80% of people who turn up at the scene 683 00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:49,400 of a detergent suicide are themselves poisoned by the gas remaining 684 00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:52,840 because they can't smell it. So it's really most unfortunate. 685 00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:55,640 So there's not much cheerful about that, I have to say, 686 00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:59,440 I'm sorry about that. So we can cheer ourselves up. 687 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:01,080 What isn't a blue whale, 688 00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:05,960 but floats around in the sea and weighs as much as a blue whale? 689 00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:09,160 Is it an elephant on holiday? 690 00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:11,840 An elephant doesn't weigh as much as a blue whale. 691 00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:13,760 - No, it's really... - A ship? 692 00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:15,000 - No. - Submarine. 693 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:17,200 No, it's something that the blue whale consumes. 694 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:18,440 - A massive lilo. - Plankton. 695 00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:21,000 The blue whale can consume its own weight in? 696 00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:23,960 - Plankton. - Well, actually in water. It dives all the way down 697 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,040 and then dives up again with its mouth open 698 00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:27,880 and it swells, and swells, and swells. 699 00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:30,600 And it literally can take on 90 tonnes of water. 700 00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:32,640 Quite a staggering sum. 701 00:35:32,640 --> 00:35:34,000 Got to love a blue whale. 702 00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,680 - That's right, we do love them. - That's one thirsty mother. 703 00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:39,160 They can actually take in something their size. 704 00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:41,080 Not to swallow, as you know, because, 705 00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:43,080 - as we've discussed... - The grapefruit issue. 706 00:35:43,080 --> 00:35:46,160 A grapefruit is the biggest thing they can get down their gullet. 707 00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:49,880 But they get this gigantic amount of water inside them. Really amazing. 708 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:52,000 And they go really deep and no one's been able to go 709 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,440 deep enough to find out what they do until very recently. 710 00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:56,720 - Just gossiping. - Just gossiping. That's right. 711 00:35:56,720 --> 00:36:00,360 "Ooh, kaa." "Really?" 712 00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:03,480 Having quizzes in which people say, "Is the answer Alan Davies?" 713 00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:06,000 Yeah. 714 00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:10,080 The water in a blue whale's mouth weighs as much as a blue whale does. 715 00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:14,640 Why shouldn't you mess with the maxillofacial death pyramid? 716 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:17,200 Is it cos it's got the word "death" in it? 717 00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:21,000 That is a hint, the maxillofacial death pyramid. 718 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,280 - Call it the fun pyramid. - Maxillofacial means? 719 00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:27,400 Maxillofacial is who you go to see when you get a broken cheekbone. 720 00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:30,320 - Yeah, exactly. it is the maxillary area, the jaw. - It's the top jaw. 721 00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:33,040 But it's, the maxillary, the pyramid is actually sort of there, 722 00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:34,920 from the bridge of the nose down through... 723 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,880 It's like a facial Bermuda Triangle. 724 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:38,440 There it is, yeah, yeah. 725 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:42,080 And it's basically about blood flow from the brain down, 726 00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:45,120 if you've got little infections and things, it goes down through 727 00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:47,320 there and then gets sorted out by the immune system. 728 00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:49,600 What can happen if you pick your nose and your spots 729 00:36:49,600 --> 00:36:53,000 and things, is you can get bacteria in it that sort of block it 730 00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:56,720 and force it all the way back up into the brain. 731 00:36:56,720 --> 00:36:59,560 Meningitis is an example of that, and syphilis indeed is. 732 00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:04,120 - From picking your nose?! - Not from picking your nose... 733 00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:06,560 - Good God!! - Yeah, that's how you get syphilis. 734 00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:09,880 It does, it slightly depends on what you're picking it with! 735 00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:12,840 LAUGHTER 736 00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:14,840 That's how you explain it to the wife. 737 00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:19,280 "No, I was just picking my nose, love. Must have spread." 738 00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:22,680 There is actually a DIY hard-core punk band from Sheffield 739 00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:27,000 - called the Maxillofacial Death Pyramid. - Really? 740 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:30,000 - I like the sound of that. - It's quite a mouthful when asking for a ticket, 741 00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:32,880 but they're probably excellent and, if you're watching, you know, 742 00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:36,840 I'm coming to your next concert. I absolutely guarantee it. 743 00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:39,560 The internationally recognised symbol for death metal bands. 744 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:43,040 - Yeah. - So you've got to be a little bit careful about picking your nose, 745 00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:46,120 pleasurable an activity as it is. 746 00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:48,640 You can die from it! 747 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:50,640 Yeah. That's something to tell the children. 748 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:55,360 Well, there you are. Now, making hydrogen with nails 749 00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:59,200 and drain cleaner would be a very jolly jape indeed, don't you think? 750 00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:00,960 - Yes, I think so. - So, let's try it. 751 00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:03,880 To prove that it's hydrogen, I'm going to have to set fire it. 752 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:06,080 And I'm going to set fire to it on my own hand, 753 00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:07,360 first of all I'm going to have 754 00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:09,280 a basin of water, I'm going to put here, 755 00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:13,240 to dip my hand in, to wet it so I don't burn myself too badly. 756 00:38:13,240 --> 00:38:15,800 And then I have my really... 757 00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:17,400 Oh, hello. 758 00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:21,000 Made a mistake, sorry, man in my ear furious with me. 759 00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:23,680 "What are you fucking doing?!" 760 00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:25,080 "Put the water down! 761 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:30,800 "Do this properly or you will die, do you understand?!" 762 00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:35,680 - No... - "Start again, for fuck's sake!" 763 00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:37,480 LAUGHTER 764 00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:41,200 He was much gentler, very sweet. So, anyway. 765 00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:44,680 I've been told to tell you not to try this at home. 766 00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:47,840 - Try it in someone else's home. - Yeah. 767 00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:52,040 The fire exits are there, and there. 768 00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:54,360 What I've got here is I've got some ordinary 769 00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:56,960 green-coloured washing-up liquid. 770 00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:01,280 We're not allowed to mention it's Fairy. Its name. 771 00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:04,320 And I've got a little chemical lab, I don't know what you call 772 00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:07,200 - this little... - Flask. - Flask, I think is the word. 773 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:10,120 Oh, this is like going on a picnic with Heston Blumenthal. 774 00:39:10,120 --> 00:39:13,320 - LAUGHTER - It's got some nails in it and I'm going to add a few more, 775 00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:15,000 a little bit of zinc. 776 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:18,440 And I've got here, this is the hydrochloric acid, very strong. 777 00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:21,000 When are you going to put on the safety goggles, Stephen? 778 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:22,960 Now, cos I'm about to open the bottle of acid. 779 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:26,000 "Put the fucking safety goggles on!" 780 00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:30,680 Not only that, but I've also got, I've also got a... 781 00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:34,000 - I've also got a mask. Here we go. - What about us?! 782 00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:37,240 Sorry, can I just ask, YOU'RE putting on safety goggles? 783 00:39:37,240 --> 00:39:40,680 - Yeah! - YOU'RE putting on a mask. 784 00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:42,200 What's the story here? 785 00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:44,040 Yeah, you're fine, you're expendable. 786 00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:47,400 I may have the mask upside down. 787 00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:49,320 It does tell you to put the mask on your children 788 00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:51,840 before putting it on yourself, as on an aeroplane. 789 00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:53,960 "Got the fucking mask upside down!" 790 00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:58,200 Right, OK. I've got the goggles, I've got this. 791 00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:03,520 Now what I'm going to do, all right, is I'm going to pour this acid. 792 00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:05,440 Jesus, onto some nails?! 793 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:07,200 - Into the nails, that's right. - Why? 794 00:40:07,200 --> 00:40:09,520 The zinc and the hydrochloric acid will react. 795 00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:11,880 - Has he been drinking? - Yeah. He's been drinking that. 796 00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:14,760 Oh, there we go. And that's, that's going to produce quite a lot. 797 00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:16,920 - It's going towards me! - It's blowing our way! 798 00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:21,160 I now have to put this, I have to put this cork in it. 799 00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:23,600 - Geez! - If I put the cork in it tight enough, 800 00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:28,080 it will come out of here, and I put this in here and it will bubble up. 801 00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:30,960 Right, that's important. 802 00:40:32,480 --> 00:40:35,720 - If you say so. - The bubbles are made of hydrogen. 803 00:40:35,720 --> 00:40:38,520 And the only way to prove it is to grasp the bubbles, 804 00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:42,200 I'm going to wet my hand now, to be safer. And grasp these bubbles. 805 00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:44,960 What the hell is that? It looks like a sex cactus. 806 00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:47,000 And I'm going to go... 807 00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:48,680 Oh, God! 808 00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:52,480 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 809 00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:55,560 Really exciting. Really exciting. 810 00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:58,840 We can try that again. 811 00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:00,520 Oh, yeah. 812 00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:02,400 - Let's get even more bubbles. - That is great. 813 00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:05,080 Stephen's goggles are so steamed up, he's completely blind! 814 00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:08,760 - Even more bubbles here. Here we go. - Blind King John of Bohemia. 815 00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:12,160 - Oh, come on, oh, work, lighter. - Anyone got a light? 816 00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:16,560 - Oh the lighter's stopped working. - APPLAUSE 817 00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:19,720 Let's try it again, one more. 818 00:41:19,720 --> 00:41:21,400 Wet your hand again! You didn't wet it! 819 00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:23,600 - You didn't wet the hand! - Come on. Bloody lighter! 820 00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:26,480 - Expelliarmus! - Oh. Oh there we go. 821 00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:29,040 - We'll take that off now. - Wow! 822 00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:32,040 - I've made hydrogen, ladies and gentlemen. - Wow. 823 00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:33,440 APPLAUSE 824 00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:39,320 - Wow. - How very exciting. - Pretty exciting. Let's cover that. 825 00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:42,720 "Put the lid on the acid!" 826 00:41:42,720 --> 00:41:47,440 There we are. We can let all the hydrogen disappear. 827 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:52,600 And our wonderful science elf said, he said, he's so scientific, 828 00:41:52,600 --> 00:41:55,920 he said, "And don't touch that because it's exothermic." 829 00:41:55,920 --> 00:41:58,560 - It just means it's hot. - Hot, it's hot. 830 00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:01,360 - Had to say "exothermic." - That's the smell, that's quite the... 831 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:03,920 - Can you smell? - Pretty whiffy. - Yes. - Pretty eggy whiffy. 832 00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:06,240 Well, a bit of hydrogen sulphide probably in there, 833 00:42:06,240 --> 00:42:08,800 that might kill you, of course. But let's hope not. 834 00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:13,840 Let's hope at least you survive until we get to the scores. 835 00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:18,400 Well, I have to say, sadly, in last place... 836 00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:20,000 Is it that bad? 837 00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:21,160 It's down wind. 838 00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:24,120 Well, especially now I know it's potentially fatal. Yes, it is! 839 00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:29,720 No, it's not hydrogen sulphide. It's just hydrogen. 840 00:42:29,720 --> 00:42:33,360 So, I'm afraid in last place, but it's a very creditable last place, 841 00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:36,440 and only just, with minus 16, is Julia Zemiro. Oh! 842 00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:38,880 - APPLAUSE - Thank you. 843 00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:46,520 And through some extraordinary good fortune, avoiding final place, 844 00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:49,200 third place with minus 14, Alan Davies. 845 00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:51,600 - Thank you very much. - Highly respectable. 846 00:42:51,600 --> 00:42:54,000 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 847 00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:57,280 And, my goodness, it's tight at the top, 848 00:42:57,280 --> 00:43:00,040 with minus seven, in second place, Ross Noble. 849 00:43:00,040 --> 00:43:03,040 APPLAUSE 850 00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:07,320 So, that can only mean that our winner, 851 00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:11,600 with a magnificent minus six, is Sue Perkins. 852 00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:17,480 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 853 00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:20,320 So, it's goodnight from Sue, Ross, Julia, Alan and me. 854 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:22,040 Now, you come back soon now, you hear? 855 00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:24,360 Do that thing and be lovely to each other. Goodnight.