1 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:30,320 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:37,200 Well! Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:38,480 good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,400 good evening, good evening, good evening, 5 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:44,760 and welcome to QI, where we're all feeling rather jolly. 6 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:48,120 Here to tickle our ribs are four jolly good fellows. 7 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,960 The jovial Rob Brydon. 8 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,440 The jocular Tim Vine. 10 00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:00,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:04,520 The jubilant Julia Zemiro. 12 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:07,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:10,760 And Jesus, it's Alan Davies. 14 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:14,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:20,000 Ah, well, so if anyone wants to go beyond a joke tonight, 16 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,600 they'll have to jingle their jangles and Julia goes... 17 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,720 LAUGHING KOOKABURRA 18 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,000 - Oh, it's an animal from my country. - Yeah. 19 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:31,040 - That's nice, a bird, a kookaburra, thank you. - It is a kookaburra, 20 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:35,360 - well spotted. Tim goes... - LAUGHING HYENA 21 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,480 Oh, it's an animal from my country. 22 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:40,800 And Rob goes... 23 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,200 GIGGLING BABY 24 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:47,200 - Aw! It's an animal from the country. - Yeah. 25 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:51,080 - And Alan goes... - BRAYING DONKEY 26 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,720 - Wow. - Fabulous. 27 00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:00,120 So, simple question, who's Hapi? 28 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:07,400 - He's happy in the picture. - Yes. - Yes. - Old men with young ladies. Or... 29 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:08,600 old ladies with young men. 30 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,240 - I was going to say... - Why not? - They may be gerontophiles. 31 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,520 - Not me. - Not you? No, fair enough. OK. 32 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:15,680 - It's one of the dwarfs. - True, as in the old joke. 33 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:18,520 - Six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy. - I can't believe it! 34 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,840 - They haven't got that on the klaxon? - No, they haven't. 35 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:25,240 This is a Hapi whose name is Hapi, spelt H-A-P-I. 36 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:30,800 - Edwin Starr had a song, H-A-P-P-Y Radio. - Oh, really? - Yeah. 37 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:34,160 - Anyway, continue. - No, that's good. It's good - good information. 38 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:36,080 We love good information here, as you know. 39 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:40,400 - We have to go back to a previous civilisation. - Is it... Um, no. 40 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,200 - Aztecs. - Egyptian. - Egyptian is right. - Oh, get stuffed, I can't believe it! 41 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,240 - LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - When you get it right, 42 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,280 you don't have to insult me. 43 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:51,800 - No, I know. - You can accept your points gracefully. 44 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,360 That picture is actually the backdrop to a famous game show - 45 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:55,560 I'll Name That Tomb In One. 46 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,920 - Very good. - What sort of reaction is that?! 47 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,280 - It's one Tim is very used to. - It's what I'm used to, yes. - Yes. 48 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,520 That's what you sphinx. 49 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:13,680 - So that is the god... - A very unusual mind we have on this show. - It is. 50 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:17,680 This is a god called Hapi, who was always represented to have 51 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,800 been faintly pot-bellied and sort of hermaphroditic with breasts. 52 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,960 Hapi had breasts, though was not considered female, 53 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,280 and had a sort of harem of...? 54 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,120 - Ladies. - Men. - Animals. - No. 55 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:32,680 - Men. Boys. - Castrati. - Frogs. - Frogs? - Yeah. 56 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,200 Frogs, Tim. 57 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,200 Er, hang on. 58 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,560 There'll be a pun in a minute. 59 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:42,240 Do you think if the frogs in the harem really started to get it on 60 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:45,120 with each other, and one of them whipped out a camcorder, 61 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:48,600 - would that be "frogs' porn"? - Oh! 62 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:49,960 APPLAUSE 63 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,960 You are a malign influence. 64 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,960 The worrying thing is, I have actually done that joke in the past. 65 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:05,920 - It's too late now, it's too late. - He's the thief of bad gags. 66 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,280 The fact is, Hapi was the god who was responsible for 67 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:12,080 the flooding of the Nile, which was an annual event, took place in July 68 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,920 and was cause of much celebration. 69 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:16,600 If you've ever been up or down the Nile, 70 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:19,800 you will know that it's really just this great carving of green 71 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:23,120 through a desert, which is all made fertile by this river. 72 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,480 So it was... The whole civilisation was predicated on the flooding 73 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,280 of the Nile and Hapi was the god who caused it. 74 00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:32,000 So, moving on, what's the jolliest, 75 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:37,280 but frankly most dangerous thing you can buy in a joke shop? 76 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:38,640 LAUGHING HYENA 77 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:42,680 - Tim? - I went to a joke shop. I said, "What are you actually selling here?" 78 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,960 He said, "Nothing, we're not a real shop." 79 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:52,640 Anyway, I've got some jokes here that give you an example. Here we are. 80 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:56,480 And almost all of these were invented by one man, 81 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:59,640 who could be regarded as the father of the joke shop. 82 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,560 Have some nuts, Tim. 83 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,840 - What happens when you open the nuts? - JULIA: Oh, no. 84 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,160 I'm guessing I could aim this at Rob... 85 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,080 - SQUEAKING - You're guessing. 86 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:09,680 And it's hours of laughter. 87 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:14,120 Tim, that reminds me of last Saturday evening, in an odd way. 88 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:18,160 It's a man called Soren Sorensen Adams. 89 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,960 And he started life working for a coal-tar derivative company. 90 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,760 And coal-tar derivatives have many uses, one of which was for a dye. 91 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,840 And the particular dye that came from coal-tar 92 00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:31,240 had the bizarre side effect of making people sneeze. 93 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,840 So the company managed to isolate the ingredient 94 00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,560 that made people sneeze and took it out. 95 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,440 And he happened to be passing and he saw 96 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:41,480 these great barrels of the stuff that made people sneeze. He thought, "I'll have those." 97 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:45,680 So he founded The Cachoo Sneezing Powder Company, 98 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:47,760 and it was a huge, huge success. 99 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:52,080 He sold 15,000 worth of Cachoo, just in the first year, 100 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,440 a vast sum in 1910, which is around the time we are. 101 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:58,680 But 25 years later, it was banned by the FDA for being toxic. 102 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,240 - Oh. - But he had meantime... - After several deaths. 103 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:02,800 Yes. 104 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:06,680 Meantime, he had invented the squirting lapel flower. 105 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:10,400 - Oh. - Oh. - That would fool anybody, wouldn't it? - Oldie but a goody, yes. 106 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,280 There we go. It has a little ring. 107 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:16,800 - I used to have one of those. - There's a... - Oh... - Hey! Highly amusing. 108 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,680 - Help yourself to a dog turd. Oops, there we are. - Eurgh. 109 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:23,040 They're different. The old ones were hard plastic, that's squidgy. 110 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,520 - You're touching that. Eurgh. - It's really quite unpleasant. 111 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,640 Oh... Oh, dear! 112 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,360 That is horrible, isn't it? 113 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,080 JULIA: Eurgh! 114 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:40,440 - Even if that isn't a dog turd, that's a horrible thing to do. - Uuuuugh! 115 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,080 Oh, my God! 116 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,720 - Oh! - If you swallow that... 117 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:56,360 If I swallow it, it's going to come out the other end, that'll be good. 118 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:59,240 What is it then? Fake or not? 119 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,040 Then it would be a real false turd. 120 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:02,840 Oh, actually, Alan, I'm just getting a... 121 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:05,960 just getting a message there's been a bit of a mix-up, apparently. 122 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,720 - This is a real one! - Oh, dear. 123 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,640 And here's a... Here's a... You can cut your finger off. 124 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:19,000 Or you could try this pen. Try writing something with the pen. 125 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,360 Oh, this is going to be hilarious. 126 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,840 - Go on, then. - Oh, dear. 127 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,960 - I never touched it! - Did he get a shock? - I think so. 128 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:36,400 That is... I'm really sorry, because that is quite a severe electric shock. 129 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,040 - It's not... - I'll just take your word for it. 130 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:43,880 It's not insignificant, that one. That is barely a joke. 131 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:48,680 - It's not funny at all, Stephen! - I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 132 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:53,880 - Give it back to me. - That really hurt. - Aaah. A bendy pencil. 133 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,720 - I don't want a bendy pencil! - A joy buzzer. 134 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,600 He sold three million of these during the Depression. 135 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,720 - When you shake hands with someone with one of those? - That's right, you put 136 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,880 the sort of ring on your finger so it looks sort of normal. And then... 137 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:09,520 - Can you buzz me? - Yeah, you want to shake hands. Like that. 138 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,760 - It doesn't give you a shock. - It's a bit of a letdown. - It's just a buzz. 139 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:16,640 He passed on... I say, "He passed on this," I don't mean... 140 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:19,160 He thought this was too vulgar to sell - 141 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,960 the standard whoopee cushion. You might want to blow that up. Yeah. 142 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:26,840 It's not Soren Lorensen, who's the imaginary friend in the Charlie and Lola books is it? 143 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:31,480 No, it's not. It's Soren Sorensen Adams. It's quite difficult to... 144 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,960 Is this a joke whoopee cushion you can't blow up? 145 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,240 It is difficult to get the sphincter open, isn't it? 146 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,040 - SQUEAKING - Whoa! 147 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,160 Ah, there we go, that's right. 148 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:45,160 Maybe while Alan isn't looking... Alan, lean over here for a second. 149 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:48,400 That's it, take the false egg, which is hilarious. 150 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:50,200 WHOOPEE CUSHION EMITS NO SOUND 151 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 152 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:59,280 That was possibly the least convincing whoopee cushion noise I've ever heard. 153 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:04,120 - JULIA: Silent but deadly. - Yeah. - It was strangely realistic. - Yeah. 154 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,080 I just smothered it completely. 155 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:11,120 - Alan's wearing a whoopee cushion silencer on his jeans. - Very sensible. 156 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,000 The best one is the fart... the remote-control fart machine. 157 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,560 - Yeah. - Have you got one of those? - Of course I have. Yes. 158 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:18,200 - Has anyone got one? - How does it work? 159 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,120 - You've got to get one. - They are marvellous. 160 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,480 You just, at Christmas... 161 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,600 You bury it under the cushion near your aunt. 162 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:27,080 Yes, it's funny even if you just put it under your dog's basket, because the dog... 163 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:29,680 - Absolutely. - The dog goes like that. 164 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,520 - I'll take a picture. Alan, smile. - No, what's going to happen now!! 165 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,320 Oh. It's supposed to be water. 166 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:39,200 Anyway, we can probably put away our little tray of fun toys, 167 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:43,280 having electrocuted Alan, which was the purpose of the evening. Maybe you could pass me your... 168 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:47,240 - How do you blow it up, then? - Could you pass me your turd? 169 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:53,280 Woo. That's meant... I think if you over, maybe. 170 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:54,560 Have a go. 171 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:55,960 FRUITY RASPBERRY 172 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,080 That's better! 173 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 174 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:07,200 - One of these has never had a round of applause from 600 people before. - Yeah. 175 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:11,280 I read somewhere that this was "the intellectual quiz show" and you can see why. 176 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:15,920 Now, one of the things I want to prepare you for is to see 177 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:19,120 if you can, during the course of today's lesson, 178 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:22,160 prepare, in any spare moments you have, a limerick for me. 179 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:26,280 - You know what a limerick is? - Yes. - Aside from being a county in Ireland. - It's a town. 180 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:28,160 - Yes. - There was an old man from Limerick, 181 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,560 who was unaware of the short, often humorous, poems 182 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,400 that shared the same name as his home town. 183 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,880 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 184 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,120 Very, very good. Anyway, so do be ready for that. 185 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,360 But we've got a quicky for you. What happens if you put 186 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:46,800 someone's hand in a bowl of water while they're sleeping? 187 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,400 LAUGHING BABY 188 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,040 They have a little widdle, don't they? 189 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,880 Oh, no! 190 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,680 - they don't have a little widdle. - They don't? 191 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,000 No, it's a total myth. 192 00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,480 Total myth, perpetuated by schoolchildren and others. 193 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,040 All kinds of experiments have been done. 194 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,880 That splendid programme Myth Busters tried it. 195 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,480 Zero wetting ensued. There's no reason why it should happen. 196 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:13,040 - It must have happened once. - Well, by coincidence, possibly. - By coincidence. 197 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,960 That coincidence was assumed to be causal 198 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,200 and from that moment on the myth was born. 199 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,560 You can try it at home, I recommend it, with your spouses and children. 200 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:22,280 Like the one where if you wet yourself 201 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:23,840 while driving, you crash the car. 202 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:30,240 - I would frankly... - Has that not happened to everyone? 203 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,680 If I crashed a car, I think I would wet myself. 204 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:37,040 - It's the other way round. - That's what's interesting about the experiment. - Yeah, it is. Absolutely. 205 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,080 What about when you fall asleep and you wake up 206 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,120 and you've had half your eyebrow shaved off? 207 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:44,360 - Then you have bad friends. - I do have hideous friends. 208 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,720 - Yeah, cos that's the other thing that can happen. - Yeah. 209 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,720 It's all right, I'm over it, it's fine. 210 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,280 - You had your eyebrows shaved off? - Yeah, you know? 211 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:52,840 Obviously no-one's had it happen. 212 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:56,200 Yeah, you fall asleep and someone goes, "Oh, this will be even funnier." 213 00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:59,960 Put your hand in a bottle of thing and voom, voom, you wake up and you look hideous. 214 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:03,240 - That's just vile! - I'm Australian. 215 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,640 Anyway, Sorensen didn't sell whoopee cushions 216 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,200 because he didn't think flatulence was amusing, 217 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:17,280 so what is the most amusing thing to come out of a sewage plant? 218 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,520 - Look at that. That's disturbing. - That's really very unpleasant. 219 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,720 And there are people in the background there, bobbing along. 220 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:27,680 - Is that in the UK? - That's actually in Ghana. - Ghana. 221 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,480 LAUGHING KOOKABURRA 222 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,920 Poo jokes. Is that the funniest thing to come out of a sewerage...? 223 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,080 - TIM: - Crap jokes? - What jokes? 224 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,960 - Crap jokes. Yeah, really crap jokes. - Thank you, good on you. 225 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:41,720 No, there is something that really does cause laughter that comes out. 226 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:45,760 Oh, OK, I know, I know. It's a type of gas, then, isn't it? 227 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,640 It's the same gas... I've got it, Julia! 228 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:51,280 - It's the same gas, like what they might call a laughing gas... - Yes. 229 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:54,680 ..but here, rather than being in canisters in a dentist's room, 230 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:57,480 - perhaps, or in another medical establishment... - Yeah... 231 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:02,600 Perhaps it's coming out as a natural by-product of the faeces, the waste, 232 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:06,960 the faecal matter, that's gushing forth in a liquidised form. 233 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,720 - So that's what it is. - It is! - Oh, I love it! BRAYING DONKEY 234 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,360 Is it nitrous oxide? 235 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:12,400 Nitrous oxide. 236 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 237 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:23,200 - I'll accept that Rob did the work and you... - I got the answer right! 238 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:24,960 Stephen, can I just say this? 239 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,400 It's called nitrous oxide, of course. 240 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,560 APPLAUSE 241 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:34,920 - GIGGLING BABY - Yeah? 242 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:36,600 Nitrous oxide. 243 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:39,720 LAUGHING KOOKABURRA 244 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,920 - Sulphuric acid. - Ha! 245 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:47,480 Yes, it's a very important greenhouse gas - N2O, nitrous oxide. 246 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:52,520 In fact, it's 300 times more potent, as a greenhouse gas, than CO2. 247 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:57,200 Its most significant man-made source is sewage-treatment plants, 248 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,680 alongside agricultural waste and nitrogen fertilisers. 249 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:03,080 It's also pumped into bags of crisps. 250 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,360 Why would it be pumped into bags of crisps? 251 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:08,440 All crisp packets are filled with gas, aren't they, to keep them fresh? 252 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,480 - Exactly - it's to expel the oxygen. - They also pump it with gas 253 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,480 so that you think you're getting more chips than you actually are. 254 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:17,120 And then you go, "Oh, it's only a third full! Ripped off!" 255 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:21,160 - It's almost as if they want to make a profit out of you. - Almost! - It's really annoying. 256 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,400 Yes, it was first used as a dental anaesthetic. 257 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,320 I'll give you ten points if you are ten years either way right. 258 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:29,440 - What year? - I don't know when it was but I did have a general anaesthetic 259 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,920 - quite recently, which I think is, er... - Interesting. 260 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:35,280 Interesting. And it was the same one that killed Michael Jackson. 261 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:37,680 Oh, good! That's... 262 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,160 No, I mean good that you survived. 263 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,280 - BRAYING DONKEY - Yeah? 264 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:46,040 - Propofol. - Yeah, that's one, yes. - That's what it was, propofol. 265 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:49,320 - I'm so good on drugs! - I was lying there and I said, "Is this the thing?" 266 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:50,760 APPLAUSE 267 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:55,000 It is an absolutely GORGEOUS feeling. 268 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:59,040 - It's a remarkable sensation, isn't it? Yeah. It goes in through your hands... - That's right. 269 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:03,080 And then, er, the feel... I don't know if people have had it recently, but I mean, 270 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,200 if he was using this to get to sleep, 271 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:08,840 he was in a bad way because it goes right... You can feel it. 272 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:12,120 But your head stays very, you know, awake, 273 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:17,920 and, er, I said to the anaesthetist, "Wow! My arms and my legs, they're like weights." 274 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:20,160 They were being pulled into the bed. 275 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,080 I said, "But my head is completely..." 276 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:24,480 It's extraordinary! 277 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,240 And the next second, you're going, "Oh," and you're waking up. 278 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:32,040 - Wheeled into the recovery room. - Imagine having to have that every night to get you off. 279 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:35,120 - It's horrifying, isn't it? - I used to go out with an anaesthetist. 280 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,600 She was a local girl. 281 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,880 LAUGHTER 282 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,400 1920. 283 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,560 - No, it's... - LAUGHING KOOKABURRA 284 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,480 - 1930! - No. 285 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,200 - GIGGLING BABY - Ah. Ah, ah... 286 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,400 1878. 287 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,160 - No, even earlier. - 1820. 288 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,600 - 1844. Yes, quite early. - That early? 289 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,640 Although it had been used before that as a recreational drug, 290 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:04,000 - by, of course... Who were the great recreational drug users? - Rock musicians. - No, not... 291 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,200 There weren't many rock musicians before the 1840s. 292 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:12,160 There were, but you just didn't know about it. They were there! 293 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,560 - When was Byron alive? - Ah, you're in the right area. 294 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,600 We're in the area of Romantic poets. 295 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:20,840 And who was the great opium eater - apart from Thomas De Quincey - of the Romantic poets? 296 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,000 - I'm going to take a stab at this, Stephen. Pam Ayres. - No! 297 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,920 Can the audience please provide the answer? 298 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:32,680 AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT 299 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,720 Casanova?! 300 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:38,360 - Samuel Taylor Coleridge. - Of course it was! 301 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:41,040 He wrote Kubla Khan while under the influence of opium. 302 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:43,240 Yes. In Xanadu, did Kubla Khan... 303 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,760 - JULIA & STEPHEN: A stately pleasure dome decree... - Of course he did. 304 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:51,040 - It's also that great musical with Olivia Newton-John. - Indeed. 305 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:54,520 And laughing gas, as you can see, was used as a recreational drug 306 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,560 and Coleridge was one of the ones to use it. 307 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,840 In fact, he described the dreamy, sedated state. 308 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,800 He said, "The first time I inspired..." Breathed in. 309 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:06,720 "..the nitrous oxide, I felt a highly pleasurable sensation of warmth over my whole frame. 310 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,800 "The only motion which I felt inclined to make 311 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,280 "was that of laughing at those who were looking at me." 312 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,600 So there you can see. There's a satirical cartoon... 313 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,040 She doesn't look very willing, though, that lady. 314 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,760 She, it must be said, is being forced into it. 315 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,440 - LAUGH! - But the others have already had it and are laughing. 316 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,120 She's about to laugh, clearly. 317 00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,840 - Looks like a giant whoopee cushion, actually. - It does! 318 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,560 The man on the left's got tiny chicken legs! 319 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:33,280 And like all lazy cartoonists, he's written "laughing gas" on it, so that you know what's going on. 320 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:38,040 - Is this the inspiration for the scene in Mary Poppins where they float to the ceiling? - Maybe it is. 321 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:42,480 The chapter of the book in Mary Poppins in which they all do rise to the ceiling is called Laughing Gas. 322 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:43,840 There's a book?! 323 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,520 LAUGHTER 324 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,080 You! And you know who it's written by. 325 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,920 - No, I didn't even know there was a book! - PL Travers. - Is there? 326 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,120 - Yes, she wrote many... - She's Australian. - Yes. 327 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:58,000 Did she adapt the film? Was it one of those novellas... 328 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:02,120 No, she disowned the film completely. In fact, they're making a film at the moment 329 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,720 about the relationship between Walt Disney and PL Travers. 330 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,760 And she absolutely loathed the film, 331 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:11,480 - which is crazy cos it is one of the greatest films ever made. - I thought it was super! 332 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:14,200 ..califragilisticexpialidocious. 333 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:17,800 - In the book, is there a dark side to Mary Poppins? - Yeah, there is. 334 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,880 There's a kind of world of weird creatures and so on. 335 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,640 I don't know what her objection was to it. 336 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,120 - I thought it was absolutely magnificent. - It is. 337 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:30,360 So there you go. What would be the best flavour for an exploding sandwich? 338 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,240 - LAUGHING HYENA - Tim Vine? 339 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,720 Cheese and ham grenade. 340 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:42,680 Very good. Very good. Excellent. There is... 341 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,120 - No, is it wrong, then? - It's wrong. 342 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:47,440 Well, I mean it would explode, obviously. 343 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:50,840 Sauerkraut and cabbage can make you explode, on a different level, also funny. 344 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:55,600 This one would make you explode on that level too. It's in fact a classic English sandwich, 345 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,600 as in The Importance Of Being Earnest. 346 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:01,760 - What are the sandwiches that Aunt Augusta particularly liked? - Watercress. - Cucumber? - Mustard. 347 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,960 She particularly liked cucumber sandwiches. 348 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,440 But this a very specific species of cucumber. 349 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,560 There it is, you see, it's quite spiky. 350 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,600 - The exploding cucumber of Panama. - There's the fuse. 351 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:15,400 - Yes, it's the exploding cucumber. It's the squirting or exploding cucumber. - Come on. 352 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,680 It's a Mediterranean plant and, when touched, 353 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:22,320 it propels its seeds in a sticky mucus at over 60mph. 354 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:26,560 - You're pointing at Rob. - I'm not pointing at Rob. 355 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,520 I'm just saying when that picture came up, 356 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,600 we looked across at each other and we both went, "Oh, testicles." 357 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,600 - I mean it's clear. Didn't we? Were you? - But can we be very clear, 358 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:41,960 I do not propel my seeds in a sticky mucus at 80mph. 359 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,120 And certainly not up to 30 feet. 360 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:49,560 - No, not... Well, on a good day, on a good day. - In the teens. 361 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,840 So you can see it's being touched here 362 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:56,600 and you can see the effect of the operation of it exploding. 363 00:19:56,600 --> 00:20:01,480 If you look carefully. Boing! Yeah, that's... I mean it's a sexual act. 364 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:06,320 I mean, it is spreading its seed. And you can see the seeds flying everywhere. Whoa! 365 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:09,520 - Does it do that to itself? - Well, no, it's... 366 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,520 Because that looks like another bit of it. 367 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,400 Yeah, when it's very, very ripe and it falls, it will do it, 368 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,600 but otherwise when touched it will also do it. 369 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,360 Its actual Linnaean name is Ecballium elaterium, 370 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:22,600 which translates as "the squirting squirter". Ecballium as in 371 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:26,760 "ballistics" - it throws out - and that's the forceful ejection of its seeds. 372 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,320 But the elaterium is the fact that is a violent purgative. 373 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,120 So it's a squirting squirter that gives you the squirts. 374 00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:36,520 So, yes, it would... It would make you explode from behind as well. 375 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:39,200 - So in that sense it's fully explosive. - Great! 376 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,440 Now, what's the world's longest-running gag? 377 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,320 - LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - Yes? 378 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,200 "Look over there!" 379 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,680 - And they look... Pah! You shoot them. - No! 380 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:54,240 It's using a particular joke to displace warfare, actually, 381 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,200 and it's been going on since the 13th century 382 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:59,960 in a particular couple of tribes in Mali, in fact. 383 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,560 The tribes are called the Traore and the Kone tribes, 384 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,400 and what happens is, 385 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,240 is that you have to take a joke from a member of the other tribe, 386 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,520 who basically accuses you of being a bean-eater - 387 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,000 of eating lots of beans, which is an insult. 388 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,480 And you have to take that insult. 389 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:17,160 And then you can find another member of the opposing tribe 390 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,000 and accuse them of being a bean-eater. 391 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,280 And they just hang around calling each other bean-eaters. 392 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,640 And that is... That saves them from killing each other. 393 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:28,800 - It's not the greatest joke in the world. - It's better than genocide. - But it's better than genocide 394 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,920 and is the longest-running gag, as far as we know, in the world. 395 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:34,560 It's a rather civilised way of sorting things out. 396 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,520 Great idea for a panel show, as well. 397 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,400 Yes, isn't it? Absolutely. Superb. 398 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:40,720 You're a bean-eater. 399 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:42,320 YOU'RE a bean-eater. 400 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,200 Alan, you're a bean-eater. 401 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,560 - Julia... - Yes? - You're a bean-eater. 402 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,400 Stephen, you ARE a bean-eater. 403 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,600 You're a has-been eater. 404 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,320 Oh! 405 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,200 APPLAUSE And is that where it ends? 406 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,200 - A has-been eater's a whole different thing. - It certainly is. 407 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,400 There are, of course, the "yo mama" jokes, as well, 408 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:04,080 which are used in the African-American community. 409 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:09,640 "Yo mama's so fat that she could usefully have a calorie-controlled diet and regular exercise." 410 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:13,680 They're probably better than that, as jokes, but... 411 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:16,440 But mums are often used. Like, I remember the first time, 412 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,840 as an adult, I went back to France to visit relatives 413 00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:22,400 and you know, my cousin driving - angry all the time. 414 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:26,160 - "Ta mere, ta mere!" Your mother, your mother. - Yeah, "Ta mere est une putain." 415 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,920 So maybe mothers have always been the butts of jokes. 416 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:33,480 Oh, absolutely. Back to Shakespeare you've got, in Titus Andronicus, "Villain, what has thou done? 417 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:37,040 "That which thou canst not undo. Thou hast undone our mother. 418 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,920 "Villain, I have DONE thy mother." 419 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:41,320 Oh. 420 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:45,240 And all over the world, curses against people's mothers are very, very common. 421 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:50,440 - Sam Kinison does some fantastic heckle put downs. - Oh, DID, yes. Dead, sadly. - Did, yes. 422 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:54,000 About people shouting, saying, "Oi!" from the audience. 423 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,560 "Yeah, that was the noise your mother made... 424 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,840 "when I did her last night. 425 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:02,520 "You won't recognise her. When I was finished, I shaved her back!" 426 00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:06,600 That's a heck of a put-down, isn't it? 427 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,960 - He was a furious, furious comedian, wasn't he? - A brilliant comedian. 428 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,840 So, yes, the Traore and the Kone clans in Mali have been calling 429 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,640 each other Mr Bean, essentially, since the 13th century. 430 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:20,120 What did the world's first jukebox have on offer? 431 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,920 Is it going to be a man in a box and you give him something 432 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,440 and he plays for you? 433 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,120 No. Do you know where the word "jukebox" comes from? 434 00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:29,720 Yes, I've heard this and I can't remember it. 435 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:33,280 - There is a story attached to this, isn't there? - Yeah. - Er... Oh! 436 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:34,720 A juke joint was a brothel - 437 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:37,240 it was Southern American slang for a brothel, 438 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:42,040 probably from the African "juk", meaning "disorderly or unruly". And so the... 439 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:45,240 So the popular vehicle the Nissan Juke is a Nissan Brothel? 440 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,920 Yeah, well, I'm afraid so. There you go. 441 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,200 And they were called juke houses or juke joints 442 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:53,920 and, like all kinds of places of ill repute and law-breaking, of course 443 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:58,760 they served all kinds of liquor and offered dancing and, indeed, music. And gambling. 444 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:02,920 And then when the first commercially available box that you could 445 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:04,840 put a nickel in and it played a tune, 446 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:07,600 people just called it a jukebox, cos they kind of thought 447 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:11,120 it was like making your own private little dance hall or juke joint. 448 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,520 And the manufacturers resisted this terribly - 449 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,680 they didn't want it to be called a "brothel box". 450 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:18,440 But that's what they became known as. The very first one is, 451 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,480 you'd actually go into a shop where there was a speaking tube, 452 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:25,560 and you would speak down and say, "I would like Foxtrot In Blue by the..." 453 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:30,120 You know, whoever, Jelly Roll Morton. And the person at the other end would go, "Very good, sir." 454 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:32,920 And he would go off and find it and put it in the record player 455 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:37,040 and attach the speaking tube to the horn of the gramophone and you would listen that way. 456 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:39,520 - Is that a Wurlitzer? - It's a Rockola. 457 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,120 - They are beautiful things, and... - Really lovely objects. 458 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,760 They are beautiful, and yet, whenever you go to someone's house and they have one, 459 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,840 they are almost invariably people with no taste. 460 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,000 Except for Lee Mack. 461 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:57,480 He has one and a man with greater taste you will never encounter. 462 00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:00,920 He had great trouble getting it up the stairs, as well, didn't he? 463 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,400 Cos it weighs like a small car, basically. 464 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,680 Yes. The really old ones weigh an absolute ton. 465 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:11,640 - Well, the very old ones, of course, had the band in there as well, didn't they? - Yes, yes. 466 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,400 Well, they're magnificent devices 467 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:16,480 and now, of course, the kind of things, like pinball machines, 468 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:20,520 that rock stars have in their lonely drug-infested houses. 469 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:24,440 Funny you should say "juke" refers to a brothel because, of course, rock'n'roll music... 470 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:28,400 - Rock'n'roll is slang for sex. - Also for jiggy-jiggy doo-doo. 471 00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,200 - Yes, so it's all... - Yes. "Jiggy-jiggy doo-doo?" 472 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,920 I don't know, it's... 473 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:35,440 Jiggy-jiggy, DOO-DOO! 474 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:40,240 Yes, jukeboxes were originally brothels in the Deep South of America. 475 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,560 - Now, what's the worst place to be licked by a goat? - Oh! 476 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:46,760 At your parents' house. 477 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:50,360 - The perineum. - Well, the perineum would be 478 00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:53,960 - a bit unpleasant... - What bizarre set of circumstances 479 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:57,840 would result in you being... 480 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:02,800 Having your perineum well and truly licked by a goat? 481 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:06,960 Yeah. A goat rimming is not necessarily a form of anything. 482 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,120 - You're squatting... - In the bush! 483 00:26:09,120 --> 00:26:11,760 Yes. This the excuse you give the doctor, isn't it? 484 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:15,040 - You're caught short out on a country walk... - Yeah. 485 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:19,200 And you squat down onto a discarded sandwich. 486 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,600 And a passing goat... 487 00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:27,120 - ..licks it. - This is never going to have a happy ending. 488 00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:29,200 Licks it off your perineum. 489 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:30,720 So has this happened, then? 490 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,320 Has somebody been... Has somebody been licked? 491 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,360 - Well, somewhere in the world, it's happening right now. - Yeah. 492 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:39,480 What he said is not the right answer, I ought to tell you. 493 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,480 - So it's not the perineum? - No, it's not. - Is it to do with the tongue 494 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,920 because it's so raspy and...? 495 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,400 It is to do with the raspiness of the goat's tongue. 496 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:51,240 It was used as a torture. You would tie someone to a tree, so their legs were sticking out. 497 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:54,560 - Not licking the feet? - Bare feet and cover the feet... - They did it with pigs too. 498 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:57,000 Cover the feet with honey and the goat would lick it. 499 00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,200 At first it would be a pleasant tickling sensation, 500 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,200 and then it would rip off layers of skin. 501 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:05,520 - It was horrible. - Ugh. - I know. - It would have livened up that scene in Goldfinger, wouldn't it? 502 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:08,680 He's tied down and the laser beam comes between his legs. 503 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:11,720 If he'd said, you know, "Oh, my God, no! Not the goat." 504 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:17,360 "Ah, Mr Bond, I put some honey on to the underside on your foot. 505 00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:20,160 "You might call it your sole! Ah ha ha. 506 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:22,560 - "Bring in the goat." - BLEATS LIKE GOAT 507 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:26,040 And he goes, "Oh, no, no, not the goat. It's a furry goat. No. Oh." 508 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:28,320 And then he goes, "Actually that's quite pleasant." 509 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,040 And he says, "Soon the pleasure will turn to pain, 510 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:34,160 "Mr Bond." And then he said, "You expect me to talk?" 511 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:38,760 - "No. I expect you to die." - Well, yes. 512 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,040 But Franciscus Brunus, a late Medieval jurist 513 00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,720 and expert on torture, said in 1502, 514 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:47,680 "I hear this is a very hard torture and totally safe." 515 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:51,000 Tickling was used in the stocks, as well. 516 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,040 You tickled people's feet in the stocks. 517 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,760 And in the Han Dynasty in China, they used tickling a lot. 518 00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,480 In The Old Curiosity Shop - I don't know if you've read that... 519 00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,240 It's the only Dickens novel I've read. 520 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:04,160 - Oh, well, you might remember. - Can't remember any of it. - Oh, dear. Well you might remember... 521 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,800 - I seem to have no memory function whatsoever nowadays. - No. 522 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,680 There was Little Nell, who died, and Oscar Wilde said of that, 523 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:11,640 "You would have to have a heart of stone 524 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,120 "to read the death of Little Nell without laughing." 525 00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:18,800 Cos it is Dickens at his most sentimental, unfortunately. 526 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,440 But there was a Mr Jasper Packlemerton, 527 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:26,840 and Jasper Packlemerton apparently killed 14 wives by tickling them to death. 528 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:29,920 - And Dickens... - With a knife. 529 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:35,000 - Tickle tickle! - Dickens may have got this from an Illustrated Police News of 1869, 530 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:38,160 where a wife was driven insane by her husband tickling her. 531 00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:41,200 She was fooled by her husband into thinking that by being tied to 532 00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:43,720 a plank it would help her back, 533 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:48,000 and he then proceeded to tickle her toes until she went mad. 534 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,320 - Which is not nice, to be honest. - How long did it take? 535 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:54,240 - It would take a while, I think, yeah. - Days? - Yeah, it would. It would basically take a while. 536 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:56,400 Now let's see how your J for "jeography" is. 537 00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:58,600 Lots of points for the right answer 538 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:02,320 and a measly minus ten for a wrong one, so try and be right. 539 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:04,920 What's the name of the largest mountain in Japan? 540 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:08,720 - Fuji. - Is the right answer! 541 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:10,560 Yes. It's an active volcano, 542 00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:14,280 although it hasn't actually erupted for 200 years. 543 00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:18,680 - So it's probably about due. - Yeah, it probably is. - Vesuvius is overdue. 544 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:21,440 It's right next to Naples and it's overdue 545 00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:25,080 and there's no way of predicting when it will erupt. 546 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:27,960 - No, I know. - They told us this when we went to see it on a school trip! 547 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:30,680 That'll cheer you up, won't it(?) 548 00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:35,520 They said... This is in the days before 'Ealth and Safety. They took you up into the crater to... 549 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:38,240 Any minute now we're expecting it. 550 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:40,520 It's overdue, we're standing in the crater of it - 551 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:44,200 a party of schoolchildren - and to get there you had to walk across 552 00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:49,280 - a lava flow that had a sulphur crust that was about that thick. - Whoa. 553 00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:51,680 And so you walked across it and there were places where 554 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:54,160 it had fallen through and had just a small fence round it 555 00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:56,560 and underneath was - blurp, blurp - a volcanic mire. 556 00:29:56,560 --> 00:30:01,240 - Yeah, I know, it's amazing, isn't it? - And they said to us, "Walk in pairs and don't jump up and down." 557 00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:07,200 That was the safety brief. We gathered together and jumped up and down together. 558 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:09,760 Of course you did. Because they told you not to. 559 00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:12,000 Because as 12-year-old boys, what are we doing to do? 560 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:16,000 Anyway, so can you name a Caribbean island group beginning with B? 561 00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:17,040 Bahamas. 562 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:18,400 KLAXON BLARES 563 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,160 Oh, Alan got there first. And I'm afraid 564 00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:23,800 - they're not Caribbean, no, they're Atlantic. - What? 565 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:27,240 They're not in the Caribbean, the Bahamas, they're in the Atlantic. 566 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:30,240 - I've been on holiday to them. I've done a lot of holidays. - Yes, you have. 567 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:33,880 There is an island group beginning with B in the Caribbean. 568 00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:38,520 - British Virgin. - Very good in the audience. - That was a superb accent! 569 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:43,440 Someone shouted out one of the rarest things you could possibly imagine, British Virgin! 570 00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:46,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 571 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:52,240 I wouldn't have accepted Barbados because it's a single island. 572 00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:54,640 - It's only one island, Barbados. - Exactly. There you go. 573 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:57,360 - The Bahamas are not in the Caribbean? - No, I know, big surprise. 574 00:30:57,360 --> 00:31:01,280 This bloke came up and said, "I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy." 575 00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:04,160 I said, "Don't be SO SILLY." 576 00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:06,880 Excellent! 577 00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:11,640 Now, which is the largest of the Great Lakes of North America? 578 00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:13,440 Ontario. 579 00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:15,760 - KLAXON BLARES - No, it's not Ontario. 580 00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:18,160 Is it a slightly trick question and is it Hudson? 581 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,360 - It's not Hudson, no, Hudson Bay. - That big... Oh, that's Hudson Bay. 582 00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:25,080 Most of us were brought up to believe Lake Superior was the largest lake in the WORLD. 583 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:27,680 - That was the other one I was going to get wrong. - Yes. - Yes. 584 00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:30,640 In fact, all Americans are taught now that it's actually 585 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:35,040 Michigan-Huron, which are two lakes together, 586 00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:38,080 but now considered one lake for various technical reasons. 587 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:40,680 - Michigan-Huron. - They were formed - I know this... 588 00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:45,000 They were formed after an ice age when the ice melted and retreated 589 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,280 and they left a big puddle, a very big puddle. 590 00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:49,080 A very big puddle indeed. 591 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:51,880 It's connected by the Straits of Mackinac, along the top there. 592 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:53,640 But they're considered a single lake 593 00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:57,680 because they lie at the same elevation and rise and fall together, so they are one lake. 594 00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:00,520 - They're bigger than Lake Superior. - It is but one lake! - Exactly. 595 00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:02,840 So, now, who can name a Shakespeare play set in Verona? 596 00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:06,840 - LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - Yeah? 597 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:09,280 - Romeo and Juliet? - Yes, perfect, well done. 598 00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:11,400 - Ah, thank you. - Well done. - APPLAUSE 599 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,240 Oh, thank you. 600 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:18,680 Yes, you avoided the trap of saying Two Gentlemen Of Verona, which is not set in Verona. 601 00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:22,160 - He really looked like he was enjoying sitting for that portrait(!) - Yes, he did! 602 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:25,080 - Do you know where Two Gentlemen Of Verona IS set? - Birmingham. 603 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:27,200 Not in Birmingham. 604 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:32,840 - But Two Gentlemen Of Verona IS in Italy? - It is in Italy - it's actually set in Milan. - Great. 605 00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:37,400 The gentlemen themselves are FROM Verona. But well avoided, well avoided, well avoided. 606 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:40,880 I went to see The Merchant Of Venice on Broadway, with Al Pacino, 607 00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:42,840 and that seemed to be set in Brooklyn. 608 00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:45,440 Yes, that would... 609 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:48,280 - AS PACINO: - "Does a Jew not have... 610 00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:49,600 "FEELINGS?" 611 00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:52,080 I remember I said to this bloke, 612 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:55,960 "I'm appearing in Hamlet at the Globe Theatre." He said, "Are you being facetious?" 613 00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:58,320 I said, "No, Polonius." 614 00:32:58,320 --> 00:33:00,880 - LAUGHTER - Very good. 615 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:06,720 Finally on "jeography", which country crosses the most time zones? 616 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:10,840 - Is it... Oh. - Yeah, go on, go on, do it, do it. - Come along. - Oh, all right. 617 00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:14,120 - LAUGHING BABY Go on, hey. - Wales. 618 00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:19,760 You see, I told you! I knew not to do it. 619 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:23,800 - And yet you won. - And you're, "Go on, do it." - At least you didn't get a klaxon. 620 00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:24,960 Well, it was my first... 621 00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:28,240 - Yeah? - Canada. - No, it's not Canada. - KLAXON BLARES 622 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:32,720 - I'm afraid we did... - I think it's a trick, because I think it's going to be a country that's got outposts. 623 00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:34,520 Possessions, you're correct. 624 00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:36,920 - Is it the United Kingdom? - It's not the United Kingdom. 625 00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:40,520 We don't count our possessions as all being part of the mother country, 626 00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:41,840 but one ex-colonial power 627 00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:44,200 does regard all its outlying possessions as being 628 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:46,520 - part of the mother country. - LAUGHING KOOKABURRA 629 00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:47,760 - France. - France? 630 00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:49,960 France is right. Oh, yes, you got the buzzer, 631 00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:51,280 I'll have to give it to Julia. 632 00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:53,640 - Yes. - You were just too lazy to buzz. - Well, I was... 633 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:55,640 You've got to use the buzzer - that's the rule. 634 00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:56,960 Exactly. 635 00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:59,480 Yes, so France has 12 different time zones. 636 00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:02,960 The US has 11 time zones, because of Hawaii being all the way, 637 00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:05,240 and Russia nine. 638 00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:09,240 Now, what is the longest thing about this animal? 639 00:34:09,240 --> 00:34:10,840 Oh, its cock. 640 00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:14,240 - Oh, dear, oh, dear. - Its ears. - It's a bilby. That's a bilby. 641 00:34:14,240 --> 00:34:16,880 - It's not a bilby. - Oh, I just lost a point. - Is it not? 642 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:18,560 And the longest thing is not the ears, 643 00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:21,400 we rather hid the longest thing. It's a cute little creature. 644 00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:23,320 - Is it its tail? - It is the tail. 645 00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:26,040 - Well done, and let's have a look. - Points! - I was going to say tail! 646 00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:28,400 - Aw. - Oh, look at that. - It's a cute little thing. 647 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:32,320 - Look at him! - It hops like a little kangaroo. - It's easy to catch him, you stick your foot down. 648 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:33,600 There it goes. 649 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:36,440 - It lives in the Gobi Desert. - JULIA: That is cute. 650 00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:39,720 And it has a very long tail, as you can see, that it uses for balance 651 00:34:39,720 --> 00:34:42,560 and, rather like a kangaroo, it can also sit up on it. 652 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:44,360 Very, very endearing. 653 00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:47,240 The ears are thought to be, you know, to let the cool... 654 00:34:47,240 --> 00:34:51,240 to cool itself - the blood cools through the ears. That looks rather dead, that one. 655 00:34:51,240 --> 00:34:55,320 Well, he's got a... He's treated himself to a Kinder Surprise. 656 00:34:56,440 --> 00:35:02,240 - He's swallowed the toy and choked on it. - Yeah. And it's called a jerboa. 657 00:35:02,240 --> 00:35:05,600 - Jerboa. - It's called a jerboa with a J, hence our J. 658 00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:09,080 It's from an Arabian word in fact, meaning "flesh of the loins", 659 00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:10,480 rather oddly. 660 00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:12,640 But it's the same origin as the word gerbil. 661 00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:14,880 And what is it about humans and big ears? 662 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:18,920 - They get bigger. - They get bigger. - The ears get bigger. - Yeah, I mean old... 663 00:35:18,920 --> 00:35:21,120 So does the nose, is that right? 664 00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:23,040 Old men do seem to have longer ears, 665 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:27,680 but the trouble is, no-one's done a study where they've measured their ears when they were younger 666 00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:31,080 because it could well be, it's logical... 667 00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:34,760 - The head's getting smaller. - ..that having large ears is a predictor of a long life. 668 00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:37,040 - I know what that man did for a living. - What's that? 669 00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:39,400 He was a bowler hat model. 670 00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:41,560 JULIA: That is a weird-looking guy. 671 00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:45,400 - He was a very fine bowler hat model. - I've got quite big ears, 672 00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:49,000 but I can also see what it's like to be someone whose ears are flat 673 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,840 against the side of their head, because I can go like that. 674 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:53,880 - Oh, my goodness. - And I can hold it, 675 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:56,920 and it's like having an instant face-lift, like that. 676 00:35:56,920 --> 00:36:02,080 - How do you do that? - Well, I can't really talk like this as well. - I see. 677 00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:06,200 I'll tell you later. It means I can do a thing like when you do it on a roller coaster 678 00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:08,440 and you're just going over the top, you go... 679 00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:11,880 LAUGHTER 680 00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:21,200 I bet your so-called serious brother Jeremy can't do that. 681 00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:23,600 - He can't do that. - Yeah. There's another way. 682 00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:26,960 He could host a phone-in about it, though, couldn't he? 683 00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:29,000 He could. Call in if you can wiggle your ears. 684 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:32,720 "Having a problem with your ears? Give us a ring now. Go on." 685 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:34,480 He did once on his show genuinely have... 686 00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:37,000 I thought they were running out of things to do that day. 687 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,600 He said, "Please..." And, honestly, it wasn't a joke, 688 00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:43,320 he said, "Please phone in if the sound of your own voice terrifies you." 689 00:36:45,560 --> 00:36:48,080 That was a phone-in topic. And did anyone call in? 690 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:52,520 - People rang in screaming, "Argh!" - Any calls? - Get someone else to ring. 691 00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:55,080 - Yeah, they had some people ring up. - Sobbing. 692 00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:57,160 "Help me, I'm so afraid!" 693 00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:03,280 Anyway, why would the King of France enjoy a naive salad for starters? 694 00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:06,040 He's got a tiny head - has he got massive ears under that wig? 695 00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,040 Of course, naive backwards is...? 696 00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:15,120 - Evian. - Evian, as in the water. - Is it? 697 00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:17,880 - Isn't it? Evian. - Yeah... Yes, it is... - Yes, it is. - ..Mr Fry. 698 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:20,480 So it's not that it's backwards that it's relevant, 699 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:24,280 but it's that the letters of naive make Evian, 700 00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:28,120 and the letters of naive salad could be rearranged to make... 701 00:37:28,120 --> 00:37:32,720 - Dallas. - No, that would be, that would be two Ls, darling. 702 00:37:32,720 --> 00:37:36,160 - You're absolutely right, carry on. - Yes, yeah. Naive salad. 703 00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:39,960 See if we can rearrange them. Anyone in the audience who can see what's going on? 704 00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:44,760 - Alive. - Alan...Davies! 705 00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:45,800 APPLAUSE 706 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:50,280 - JULIA: Aah, yeah! - Naive salad. 707 00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:53,400 - Of course, I think your middle name is Roger, isn't it? - It is. 708 00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:55,520 So Alan R Davies would be "anal adviser", 709 00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:59,560 um, which might be even better. 710 00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:02,480 The King of France might enjoy an anal adviser. 711 00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:05,560 Must get a business card done immediately. 712 00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:07,880 Or you could be "a ladies van". 713 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:12,960 But the point is, the Kings of France enjoyed an Anagrammateur Royale - 714 00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:16,040 a royal anagrammer. It was like a court jester. 715 00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:19,280 He would make up flattering anagrams of your name. 716 00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:24,000 We probably know the famous ones, like Britney Spears is an anagram of...? 717 00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:27,040 Presbyterians, rather strangely, but it is. 718 00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:30,600 Virginia Bottomley, who was a Tory MP under Margaret Thatcher, 719 00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:33,760 anagramatises into "I'm an evil Tory bigot". 720 00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:37,560 Which is just one of those things. 721 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:39,920 And you get ones... The ones which always fascinate me 722 00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:43,800 is "laptop machines" is an anagram of Apple Macintosh, 723 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:46,720 - which is very extraordinary, isn't it? - Oh, wacky. 724 00:38:46,720 --> 00:38:50,480 And in Japan they had a similar sort of wordplay fest, 725 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:53,520 which is where someone would start off with a haiku - five, seven, 726 00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:57,640 five syllables - and then someone would add a seven syllable line. 727 00:38:57,640 --> 00:39:01,200 It was called the maeku-zuke, responding to the front line. 728 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:04,160 And you'd end up making some witty or satirical poem on the fly. 729 00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:06,120 And that's why I asked you to write a limerick. 730 00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:10,680 - So have you got a limerick for me? Any of you? I hope you have. - I do. 731 00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:14,040 - Oh, go on then. - Girls first. - Yeah. 732 00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:16,560 SHE CLEARS THROAT 733 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:19,200 I carouse in a style bacchanalian 734 00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:22,560 But I sleep in a way marsupalian 735 00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:24,040 I like to eat cheese 736 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:25,080 But I never say please 737 00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:27,200 Yes, I'm French but I'm also Australian. 738 00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:29,320 Oh, that's very good! 739 00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:36,840 It's certainly better than the one I know about an Australian. 740 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:38,640 There was a young man from Australia 741 00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:40,400 Who painted his arse like a dahlia 742 00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:42,160 Tuppence a smell Was all very well 743 00:39:42,160 --> 00:39:44,240 But threepence a lick was a failure. 744 00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:51,240 - Alan, what have you got for us? - I've got... 745 00:39:51,240 --> 00:39:52,920 There once was a show on TV 746 00:39:52,920 --> 00:39:55,680 That was always the smart place to be 747 00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:57,320 I'm fully aware You'd rather be there 748 00:39:57,320 --> 00:39:59,040 But instead you're stuck here with me. 749 00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:01,240 Oh, very good. 750 00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:03,360 I like it. 751 00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:05,000 I've... 752 00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:08,200 I've got one about Rob Brydon. Ooh. 753 00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:11,320 - Ooh! - Just because I've found something that rhymes with Brydon. 754 00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:13,920 There was a young man called Rob Brydon, 755 00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:17,000 Whose favourite film was the Poseidon... 756 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:18,680 Adventure... 757 00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:22,080 ..and he... 758 00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:24,440 Would watch it regularly 759 00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:27,680 That funny old man called Rob Brydon. 760 00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:33,080 Very good. Excellent because that's not an easy rhyme. Yeah, yeah. 761 00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:35,440 It's easy to win on QI 762 00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:37,400 You don't need an IQ that's high 763 00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:39,280 Try not to be haughty Just be a bit naughty 764 00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:41,000 And make sure you please Stephen Fry. 765 00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:43,880 Yo, I like it! Very good. 766 00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:45,880 I say. 767 00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:49,160 Highly flattering. Many points. 768 00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:50,800 Appearing one night on QI 769 00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:53,280 I made up three facts on the fly 770 00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:55,280 The first was untrue The second was too 771 00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:57,240 And the third was about the size of my cock. 772 00:40:57,240 --> 00:40:58,920 And it was no exaggeration, Julia. 773 00:41:02,040 --> 00:41:05,440 Yes. Rob, what have you got for us? 774 00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:08,360 Nothing, as will become evident. 775 00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:10,320 There once was a chap called Tim Vine... 776 00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:11,360 Oh, hello. 777 00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:13,760 Whose punning was simply sublime 778 00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:16,880 Sat next to Alan... Oh, bugger! 779 00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,000 OK. 780 00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:23,800 There once was a man called Tim Vine 781 00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:26,960 Whose punning was more than just fine 782 00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:30,520 Sat on the panel With no end of flannel 783 00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:33,120 That lovely young chap called Tim Vine. 784 00:41:33,120 --> 00:41:34,160 Tim Vine. 785 00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:36,640 Oh, that's very good, very good. Very, very fine. 786 00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:38,560 APPLAUSE 787 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:41,320 Here's one I read in one of the Piccolo book of jokes. 788 00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:44,800 There was a young man from Devizes Whose ears were different sizes 789 00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:46,680 One was quite small And no use at all 790 00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:49,200 The other was huge and won prizes. 791 00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:52,480 Oh, that's very sweet. I like that. Excellent. Well, 792 00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:54,920 the strange thing about limericks is no-one knows why 793 00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:57,760 they are called limericks. They seem to have no relationship to 794 00:41:57,760 --> 00:42:00,080 the town of Limerick, but they are and continue to be 795 00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:02,400 popular and sometimes excessively rude. 796 00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:04,600 There was a young chaplain from Kings 797 00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:07,280 Who talked about God and such things 798 00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:10,080 But his real desire Was a boy in the choir 799 00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:11,880 With a bottom like jelly on springs. 800 00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:19,200 - There we go. - Lovely. - Fair enough. - JULIA: Top that! - Yeah. 801 00:42:20,840 --> 00:42:24,880 That brings us to the somewhat predictable punch line that we call the scores. 802 00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:26,400 Let's see what's been happening. 803 00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:27,920 Well, divine as he is, 804 00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:31,360 I'm afraid in last place with -27 is Tim Vine. 805 00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:33,720 APPLAUSE 806 00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:39,160 In a... 807 00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:43,440 The beau of the valleys is in third place with -6, Rob Brydon. 808 00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:46,280 APPLAUSE 809 00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:47,320 Not good. 810 00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:50,480 And far from a failure, 811 00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:53,840 that wonderful Franco-Australian Julia, with -3. 812 00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:57,480 APPLAUSE Oh, phew. Thank you. 813 00:42:57,480 --> 00:42:59,280 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 814 00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:02,680 It makes men gasp and stretch their eyes, 815 00:43:02,680 --> 00:43:05,280 Alan Davies is clear winner with +12! 816 00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:07,760 APPLAUSE 817 00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:16,160 So that's all from Rob, Julia, Tim, Alan and me. 818 00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:19,600 Thank you, good night and be extremely pleasant to each other. Bye-bye. 819 00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:22,520 APPLAUSE 820 00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:41,560 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd