3 00:00:31,180 --> 00:00:35,620 Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d evening, 4 00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:38,780 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 5 00:00:38,780 --> 00:00:42,220 and welcome to QI. 6 00:00:42,220 --> 00:00:47,420 Now, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single question, 7 00:00:47,420 --> 00:00:50,580 where the hell did I leave my passport? 8 00:00:50,580 --> 00:00:51,980 I lost mine in a plane once 9 00:00:51,980 --> 00:00:55,700 - and it had gone down under the cushion of my seat. - Oh! Yeah. 10 00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:58,100 - The actual plane seat. - Yeah. I once had to have a... 11 00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:01,020 I was on the plane for ages, I refused to get off the plane. 12 00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:03,060 You have to have your seat disassembled. 13 00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:04,900 And eventually I found it. 14 00:01:06,020 --> 00:01:09,140 - That was the end of the story. - Oh! 15 00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:11,620 That's a beautiful story. 16 00:01:11,620 --> 00:01:14,820 That is... That is a lovely, lovely story. 17 00:01:14,820 --> 00:01:17,660 Is it specifically you, where did you leave YOUR passport? 18 00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:20,540 No, it's this technique. The University of Wisconsin. 19 00:01:20,540 --> 00:01:24,580 When you lose something, it actually helps to say the name of the thing 20 00:01:24,580 --> 00:01:26,660 that you have lost, or you are looking for. 21 00:01:26,660 --> 00:01:29,500 - Dignity. - Yes, for example! Very good. 22 00:01:32,020 --> 00:01:36,820 - Brilliant. You see? Exactly. - For me that would make it worse. 23 00:01:36,820 --> 00:01:38,700 That would just draw attention to it. 24 00:01:38,700 --> 00:01:41,540 - Your wallet has a name?! - Well, no, just... 25 00:01:41,540 --> 00:01:45,500 "Peregrine! Peregrine! 26 00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:47,260 "Bah! 27 00:01:47,260 --> 00:01:49,380 "Peregrine?" 28 00:01:50,820 --> 00:01:52,420 That's how... 29 00:01:55,860 --> 00:01:58,620 - It might work. - It has now. 30 00:01:58,620 --> 00:02:00,740 Yes, from now on, it will be called Peregrine. 31 00:02:00,740 --> 00:02:02,500 But anyway, that's not the point. 32 00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,860 The point is, for example, you open a cutlery drawer 33 00:02:04,860 --> 00:02:06,780 and where the hell's the garlic peeler? 34 00:02:06,780 --> 00:02:09,100 But if you just say garlic peeler, garlic peeler... 35 00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:11,780 Yes, the garlic peeler, again, of course. 36 00:02:11,780 --> 00:02:17,580 - "Andrew! Andrew!" - You're missing my point about names here. 37 00:02:18,980 --> 00:02:21,900 I just mean the word we give the thing. 38 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:25,780 Its normal description as found in a dictionary, 39 00:02:25,780 --> 00:02:28,220 not from a list of given names. 40 00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:32,380 It isn't Julian the cheese grater. 41 00:02:33,980 --> 00:02:36,980 - Have you ever had a macaroni pie? - I don't believe such a thing exists. 42 00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:38,780 - Have you? - Yes, I have. - Yes? 43 00:02:38,780 --> 00:02:41,700 I had one in Glasgow last week, it's the most astonishing thing. 44 00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:44,420 It's a pie, but it's filled with macaroni cheese. 45 00:02:44,420 --> 00:02:47,380 You look at it and you think, "I am going to have a heart attack." 46 00:02:47,380 --> 00:02:49,220 Immediately, before you've eaten it. 47 00:02:49,220 --> 00:02:50,580 Sandi came up to my home town, 48 00:02:50,580 --> 00:02:53,460 and I thought I could show her many of the delights of my home town, 49 00:02:53,460 --> 00:02:57,700 or I could take her to a bus stop and give her a macaroni pie. 50 00:02:57,700 --> 00:03:00,500 And so we stood, because if you eat it outside, 51 00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:02,180 it's like al fresco, it's European. 52 00:03:02,180 --> 00:03:05,460 - And we stood just in a bus stop... - Yes. In the pouring rain. 53 00:03:05,460 --> 00:03:10,380 Two lesbians eating a macaroni pie in the middle of Glasgow, 54 00:03:10,380 --> 00:03:13,100 - it created quite a stir. - Yes. 55 00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:17,020 How many times have you dreamt of two lesbians eating a macaroni pie? 56 00:03:17,020 --> 00:03:21,820 Let's be honest. Girl on girl macaroni pie action. 57 00:03:21,820 --> 00:03:24,700 Stephen, I'm out of my comfort zone, I'm out of my comfort zone. 58 00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:27,260 - Well, in America... - That's niche. That's niche. 59 00:03:27,260 --> 00:03:31,020 - In America they... - SUSAN: "That's niche!" 60 00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:34,540 Adults are to blame, they always read into things, 61 00:03:34,540 --> 00:03:36,620 something filthy with the children's stuff. 62 00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:39,860 - I know, they do, they do. - You know. What's that one, Bert and Ernie? 63 00:03:39,860 --> 00:03:42,540 - They always thought something was going on there. - Yeah. 64 00:03:42,540 --> 00:03:45,860 - With those two sleeping together. - Yes. 65 00:03:45,860 --> 00:03:50,580 I mean, obviously, there is something going on there, but that's fine. 66 00:03:50,580 --> 00:03:54,620 - That's a bad example. - Yeah, that's right. I know. 67 00:03:54,620 --> 00:03:56,220 Noddy, there's another one. 68 00:03:56,220 --> 00:03:59,180 - You know, something's going on there with those shoes. - Yes. 69 00:03:59,180 --> 00:04:00,460 They're marvellous. 70 00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:03,340 Though sometimes there genuinely is, do you know what I mean? 71 00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:05,460 - Like... - Yes. Anal Witness 4, for example, 72 00:04:05,460 --> 00:04:08,260 - there's only one way of looking at it. - Well, that... 73 00:04:08,260 --> 00:04:12,300 But like, I sort of read, I think having kids you do read into... 74 00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:14,140 Like Fireman Sam, you know Fireman Sam? 75 00:04:14,140 --> 00:04:16,980 - Here we go, what's wrong with him? - Listen to this. 76 00:04:16,980 --> 00:04:18,460 This is a social issue, right. 77 00:04:18,460 --> 00:04:20,660 You know Norman, the kid who sets all the fires? 78 00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:23,460 - Oh yeah, he's annoying. - "Norman!" - He's annoying. He's naughty. 79 00:04:23,460 --> 00:04:27,140 - "Norman, have you been setting fires?!" - You know him, right. 80 00:04:27,140 --> 00:04:30,260 He's this little ginger... I've not got anything against ginger people, 81 00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:32,580 I'm just stating a fact, he's a little ginger kid. 82 00:04:32,580 --> 00:04:35,260 But he's from a single parent family... again, 83 00:04:35,260 --> 00:04:38,460 I'm just letting you know the facts, right, never, we never know his dad. 84 00:04:38,460 --> 00:04:39,780 One episode I was watching, 85 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,300 they did a group photo of the whole of the village. 86 00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:43,820 Fireman Sam took his helmet off, 87 00:04:43,820 --> 00:04:46,100 he's the only other ginger in the village. 88 00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:50,500 - Oh! - That's all I'm saying. 89 00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:52,020 Those fires - cry for help. 90 00:04:52,020 --> 00:04:55,700 - That's what they are. - Wow! - That's what they are. - Whoa. 91 00:04:55,700 --> 00:04:59,060 "I just want to know who my dad is!" That's what he's doing. 92 00:04:59,060 --> 00:05:01,580 But I've got an interesting experiment, 93 00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:04,380 and I do love, as you know, to do an interesting experiment. 94 00:05:04,380 --> 00:05:07,260 - He does love an experiment. - Now these will represent red ants. 95 00:05:08,860 --> 00:05:11,980 And this is just... I just find this magical. 96 00:05:11,980 --> 00:05:14,380 It's something you can do at home, ladies and gentlemen, 97 00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:15,860 this is what's fun about it. 98 00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:19,020 - And... - Will we form an island and swim across the jar of water? 99 00:05:19,020 --> 00:05:23,020 No. This is red coloured sand and this is floating on top. 100 00:05:23,020 --> 00:05:27,100 You'll notice wherever I drop it, it tends to start clinging together. 101 00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:29,540 So you've got... Here's your little raft of red ants, 102 00:05:29,540 --> 00:05:31,700 there they are, in the water. 103 00:05:31,700 --> 00:05:34,540 And I can put my finger in it like that 104 00:05:34,540 --> 00:05:36,860 and my finger will come out completely dry. 105 00:05:36,860 --> 00:05:39,220 - Absolutely dry. - That's bizarre. - Holy cow! 106 00:05:39,220 --> 00:05:41,020 Yeah, there you are, there you are. 107 00:05:41,020 --> 00:05:45,220 And I've got no sand on my finger at all. And it just... But... 108 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,340 Are you a devil? 109 00:05:47,340 --> 00:05:49,340 Watch this. This will excite you. 110 00:05:49,340 --> 00:05:52,380 - I'm going to pour all this in here. - Blue ants are attacking red ants! 111 00:05:52,380 --> 00:05:54,980 Yeah, all these blue ants here, it's just horrible. 112 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:57,100 And look at that, it's all clustered down below. 113 00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:58,620 But this is the magic part. 114 00:05:58,620 --> 00:06:02,100 I get my spoon and I get all this sand that's underwater now, 115 00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:05,940 and I just pick up a little bit of it like so. 116 00:06:05,940 --> 00:06:08,620 - And it's completely dry. - Hey! - It's utterly dry. 117 00:06:08,620 --> 00:06:10,820 - Witchcraft! - Sorcery! 118 00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:14,100 - Burn him! - It's completely dry. It is, look. - Witch! - There it is. 119 00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:15,780 Sand, absolutely dry, even though 120 00:06:15,780 --> 00:06:17,820 there are odd drops of water next to it. 121 00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:20,900 - Isn't that magical? - That really is. - GREG: That's just sand and water? 122 00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:24,860 Well, I can tell you. It's the special nature of the sand. 123 00:06:24,860 --> 00:06:26,780 It's been, as it were, coated. 124 00:06:26,780 --> 00:06:32,300 And without wishing to give away the name of a brand of spray 125 00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:36,260 that you are encouraged when you buy suede shoes 126 00:06:36,260 --> 00:06:38,500 to use to protect your suede shoes, 127 00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:42,500 that might be called something that rhymed with Gotch Scard... 128 00:06:45,020 --> 00:06:48,780 If you wanted to try this experiment at home, 129 00:06:48,780 --> 00:06:51,780 you would get a can of that Gotch Scard 130 00:06:51,780 --> 00:06:53,860 and spray the sand with it, 131 00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:56,780 and you will be able to amaze your friends, 132 00:06:56,780 --> 00:06:59,220 if, but only if, you're as sad as I am. 133 00:07:00,260 --> 00:07:01,780 And there you are. Hooray! 134 00:07:01,780 --> 00:07:04,220 APPLAUSE 135 00:07:06,980 --> 00:07:11,380 Where did Beethoven put his Jingling Johnny? 136 00:07:13,940 --> 00:07:17,460 BELL RINGS - Yes, Sarah? - Mrs Beethoven? 137 00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:25,460 Somebody had to say it. 138 00:07:27,140 --> 00:07:30,180 - Jingling Johnny? - Yes. What do you think? 139 00:07:30,180 --> 00:07:31,900 I can't imagine a Jingling Johnny, 140 00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:34,100 and it's something that the good folk at Durex 141 00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:36,100 have obviously missed out on. 142 00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:41,540 A seasonal range, that actually, you know, with a bell in the, um... 143 00:07:42,540 --> 00:07:43,940 Ohhh! 144 00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:46,420 You'd be going like the clappers. 145 00:07:46,420 --> 00:07:49,140 - With holly round it. - Yeah. Be nice. 146 00:07:49,140 --> 00:07:52,660 - Flavours, flavours. - With holly round it? I'd stop you... - Ooh, turkey. 147 00:07:52,660 --> 00:07:55,180 - Ohh... - Stuffing! 148 00:08:00,740 --> 00:08:04,620 Well, how lovely to start our... 149 00:08:04,620 --> 00:08:06,220 PHILL: Plum duff. 150 00:08:06,220 --> 00:08:09,140 Imagine, and as a special treat as you walk into the bedroom, 151 00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:11,380 a little brandy on it. Wooofff! 152 00:08:12,820 --> 00:08:14,780 PAINED: "Happy Christmas! Oh!" 153 00:08:14,780 --> 00:08:18,020 I'll take that copy of Fifty Shades Of Grey away from you. 154 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:23,340 What did Watson do twice as often as Holmes? 155 00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:25,500 Oh, I don't want to say now. 156 00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:29,220 - I guess he had more time on his hands. - Stick with it, stick with it. 157 00:08:29,220 --> 00:08:34,380 - Oh, no, I do know. - Yes? - It's, er... It's...ejaculate. 158 00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:36,500 Ejaculate is the right answer. 159 00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:39,580 APPLAUSE 160 00:08:39,580 --> 00:08:41,740 This is the one thing I know about Sherlock Holmes, 161 00:08:41,740 --> 00:08:42,980 because it's in the book. 162 00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:45,620 - Yes. - It's an old term meaning to... 163 00:08:45,620 --> 00:08:48,380 - To exclaim. - Exclaim. - Expostulate. 164 00:08:48,380 --> 00:08:53,580 He's constantly, "'But Holmes!' I ejaculated." You get a lot. 165 00:08:53,580 --> 00:08:56,020 I mean, the books are brilliant anyway, 166 00:08:56,020 --> 00:08:59,540 but every twenty pages that happens and you go, "Hur hur hur..." 167 00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:05,660 Yes, there are 23 ejaculations in the canon, as it's known. 168 00:09:05,660 --> 00:09:07,820 BILL: Oh, Christ! 169 00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:12,980 - The canon is the... - And one up the spout! 170 00:09:12,980 --> 00:09:16,540 - Oh...! - As in the word canonical. 171 00:09:16,540 --> 00:09:19,740 - I give to you the canon. - Yeah. 172 00:09:19,740 --> 00:09:21,780 - Stand back. - Yes. 173 00:09:23,140 --> 00:09:26,380 There's approximately 23 ejaculations, 174 00:09:26,380 --> 00:09:29,420 48 terabytes of information coming your way. 175 00:09:29,420 --> 00:09:33,260 - I'm so wishing... - Stand by! JIMMY: - You're a very lucky lady. 176 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,940 - Watson ejaculates 11 times. - Christ on a bike! 177 00:09:38,940 --> 00:09:44,460 Holmes, on one occasion, refers to Watson's ejaculations of wonder 178 00:09:44,460 --> 00:09:46,620 being invaluable to his art. 179 00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:49,980 Watson does ejaculate from his very heart, 180 00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:51,700 in the direction of his fiancee. 181 00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:53,420 Holmes gives six. 182 00:09:53,420 --> 00:09:57,300 But there is one which it's quite hard to tell who it is. So... 183 00:09:57,300 --> 00:10:00,580 - JIMMY: That can happen, Stephen. - Who's ejaculating here? 184 00:10:00,580 --> 00:10:02,820 Let's just, let's just imagine. 185 00:10:02,820 --> 00:10:07,260 "So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat 186 00:10:07,260 --> 00:10:11,420 "when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up, and I found..." 187 00:10:11,420 --> 00:10:13,820 BILL: Oh no, he's having one now. 188 00:10:13,820 --> 00:10:17,100 Have you ever been woken up by a sudden ejaculation? 189 00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:19,540 You've talked enough about your dreams. 190 00:10:19,540 --> 00:10:21,980 There's a fellow called Phelps in the wonderful story 191 00:10:21,980 --> 00:10:25,420 The Naval Treaty, he ejaculates three times, actually. 192 00:10:25,420 --> 00:10:28,060 And the only other ejaculator is Mrs St Clair's husband, 193 00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:31,580 who ejaculates from a second floor window. 194 00:10:35,820 --> 00:10:38,740 This is the most fun I have ever had on this show. 195 00:10:40,780 --> 00:10:44,180 Name something interesting you can do with a Slinky. 196 00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:47,060 - Well, it's a... - Well, you can't untangle it. 197 00:10:47,060 --> 00:10:50,180 That's certainly... Oh God, I got through so many as a child. 198 00:10:50,180 --> 00:10:52,060 They're the most, it is the most... 199 00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:55,180 You go to the top of the stairs, and look at this, it's... Oh no! 200 00:10:55,180 --> 00:10:56,580 And then that would be it. 201 00:10:56,580 --> 00:10:59,180 We've given you some stairs, in fact, you can take your stairs 202 00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:02,060 - and your Slinky out and demonstrate. - Oh, wow, are there Slinkys? 203 00:11:02,060 --> 00:11:05,180 There may be young people here who've never had the excitement. 204 00:11:05,180 --> 00:11:09,380 - You can attach... - This is... I'm going back, look at that! - Yay! 205 00:11:09,380 --> 00:11:10,860 Isn't that fun? 206 00:11:10,860 --> 00:11:12,620 They're the best thing. 207 00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:18,220 Oh dear, you may have pointed it in the wrong direction. 208 00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:21,580 - I'm literally the happiest man in the world. - Brilliant. - Hey! 209 00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:25,300 He invented this out of... He was a suspension designer, wasn't he? 210 00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:29,300 He was a naval officer, his name was Richard James. And it was in 194... 211 00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:41,380 - It's called the Alan Effect. - Just what... - No! 212 00:11:41,380 --> 00:11:45,620 You don't do it like that. You lift the top. 213 00:11:47,460 --> 00:11:49,740 JEREMY: Somebody go and get him a Raleigh Chopper. 214 00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:53,300 How can you not work a Slinky?! 215 00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,980 How can you not do that? Yeah! 216 00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:57,540 CHEERING 217 00:12:01,180 --> 00:12:04,780 Can you imagine giving this to a child now and going, 218 00:12:04,780 --> 00:12:07,940 "That's it, that's your gift." Happy Christmas." 219 00:12:07,940 --> 00:12:09,580 But didn't he invent it by accident? 220 00:12:09,580 --> 00:12:11,820 He was making coiled springs and he invented... 221 00:12:11,820 --> 00:12:14,980 He was an American naval officer. He literally knocked over a spring, 222 00:12:14,980 --> 00:12:17,940 and it went for a walk, and he thought, "Oh, that's interesting." 223 00:12:17,940 --> 00:12:20,900 So he developed and experimented and came up with the Slinky. 224 00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:22,980 - And more than... - Look, to be fair, it was his wife 225 00:12:22,980 --> 00:12:25,500 - who thought it would make a good toy. - Yes, it's true. 226 00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:29,540 Let us remember that sometimes women get overlooked in these things. 227 00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:33,460 More than 300 million were sold, which is an incredible number. 228 00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:36,460 All to me, because I kept breaking them. 229 00:12:36,460 --> 00:12:39,180 - I know, because they tangle up. - Now if you'll put them away... 230 00:12:39,180 --> 00:12:40,820 Do you mind if I keep the stairs? 231 00:12:40,820 --> 00:12:43,700 There's a few shelves in the kitchen that I still can't reach. 232 00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:45,380 You're very welcome. 233 00:12:47,180 --> 00:12:51,100 But what we do have is a very extraordinary effect that happens 234 00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:55,020 if you drop a Slinky, which is that when you let go of it, 235 00:12:55,020 --> 00:12:57,100 the bottom does not move. 236 00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:59,940 Watch the film and you'll see what I mean. 237 00:12:59,940 --> 00:13:04,300 It's actually really astonishing. It's a very peculiar effect. 238 00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:07,100 Watch the bottom of the Slinky, as it actually happens, 239 00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,620 in very high speed camera. 240 00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:11,940 The bottom is completely still. 241 00:13:11,940 --> 00:13:13,780 - Isn't that amazing? - Oh wow. - Wow! 242 00:13:13,780 --> 00:13:15,940 That is a really bizarre effect. 243 00:13:15,940 --> 00:13:17,900 I can't explain quite why that happens. 244 00:13:17,900 --> 00:13:20,460 - Oh, I bet James May could. - He probably could. 245 00:13:25,980 --> 00:13:28,100 Tell me your Ken Dodd story. 246 00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:32,780 A broadcaster of some description went to interview a politician, 247 00:13:32,780 --> 00:13:35,740 a British politician, and he saw this wonderful picture 248 00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:40,100 as he perceived of Ken Dodd, on the wall. 249 00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:43,780 And the politician came in and the guy said, "Oh, that's wonderful, 250 00:13:43,780 --> 00:13:46,420 "Ken Dodd, I mean, he's just one of the greatest, 251 00:13:46,420 --> 00:13:49,020 "greatest comedians this country has ever produced." 252 00:13:49,020 --> 00:13:51,540 And the man said, "Do you mind? That's my wife." 253 00:13:55,540 --> 00:13:58,180 - I want to know who the politician is... - No, I wouldn't. 254 00:13:58,180 --> 00:14:01,980 - ..whose wife looks like Ken Dodd! - It's true, true. 255 00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:04,700 Meet my wife, or Doddy as I call her. 256 00:14:04,700 --> 00:14:08,220 "What a fine day, what a fine day to marry a politician. 257 00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:11,500 - "I'm telling you." I love it. - And in came the children... 258 00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:13,300 "We are the Diddy Men." 259 00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:19,300 There's a wonderful actor called Richard Brain, a very fine actor, 260 00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:22,340 and he was in a commercial where he had to play a mummy. 261 00:14:22,340 --> 00:14:24,580 And he was wrapped up and he... 262 00:14:24,580 --> 00:14:28,340 At one point, just absolutely had to go for a pee. 263 00:14:28,340 --> 00:14:32,140 - Inevitably. - And... - SUE: He made papier mache. 264 00:14:32,140 --> 00:14:35,420 The undoing and the doing up of the bandaging was taking so long 265 00:14:35,420 --> 00:14:39,340 that somebody rummaged around and pulled his old fellow out, 266 00:14:39,340 --> 00:14:43,940 while he peed, and to this day he doesn't know who it was because... 267 00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:47,620 ..because when it was called to wrap 268 00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,580 it was just him and the costume person unwinding him 269 00:14:50,580 --> 00:14:52,460 an everybody else biffed off. 270 00:14:52,460 --> 00:14:55,500 Did he line them all up and say, "Would you take my penis in hand?" 271 00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,340 He didn't know, he didn't see them. 272 00:14:57,340 --> 00:15:00,180 "No. Maybe. Stand over there. No." 273 00:15:00,180 --> 00:15:04,580 - It's just... - It's like a more modern version of the Cinderella story. 274 00:15:04,580 --> 00:15:09,180 Prince going round, "I'll know that feel anywhere." 275 00:15:09,180 --> 00:15:10,860 Mummified man. 276 00:15:10,860 --> 00:15:13,660 Yeah, all the ugly sisters putting on hand cream. 277 00:15:15,140 --> 00:15:18,380 You've got paper and you've got pencil, we might like you, 278 00:15:18,380 --> 00:15:20,420 during the course of the evening, 279 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,940 design a hat and the winner gets a prize. 280 00:15:22,940 --> 00:15:27,060 - So there you are. - OK. - Any kind of hat. 281 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:30,500 But don't let it ruin your concentration for the next question, 282 00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:31,900 if I can put it that way... 283 00:15:31,900 --> 00:15:35,660 - I invented multi-tasking. - There you are. Exactly. 284 00:15:35,660 --> 00:15:38,020 - So the... - JOHNNY YELLS: I'm drawing! 285 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,700 Sorry. 286 00:15:45,220 --> 00:15:48,620 Can you please keep it down, Stephen! 287 00:15:48,620 --> 00:15:51,060 Do you know, I sometimes have weird dreams 288 00:15:51,060 --> 00:15:53,020 in which we're married, Johnny. 289 00:15:54,740 --> 00:15:58,260 - I want you to tell me, because it's quite interesting... - Go on. 290 00:15:58,260 --> 00:15:59,780 And that's the name of the game. 291 00:15:59,780 --> 00:16:01,860 Which is the only number in the English language 292 00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:04,340 which when written out is in alphabetical order? 293 00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:08,980 - Eight. - No. 294 00:16:08,980 --> 00:16:10,700 - OK, well, seven. - 43. 295 00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:14,740 - Eight is good, but I comes after G. - OK, I'm going to have to guess, 296 00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:17,180 because there's not enough time and I'm dyslexic. 297 00:16:17,180 --> 00:16:20,940 - One, two. Two? - No. - Three? 298 00:16:20,940 --> 00:16:23,780 O comes before T. 299 00:16:23,780 --> 00:16:27,180 - So they have to be in alphabetical order. - Oh, I see, ah. - Yes, that's... 300 00:16:27,180 --> 00:16:29,180 - 40. - Yes! Well done. 301 00:16:29,180 --> 00:16:31,380 Isn't she good? 302 00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:35,660 - Very good. Very, very good. - Were you going through all the numbers? 303 00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:38,780 I was going through all the numbers at the same time that you were 304 00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:41,260 - and we got there... - Yeah, 40 is the one. 305 00:16:41,260 --> 00:16:43,820 Yeah, Alan was on three when you said that. 306 00:16:43,820 --> 00:16:47,060 And you three were all talking and we're sitting there going... 307 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:55,020 It's time for a jolly jape, this time involving lasers and balloons. 308 00:16:55,020 --> 00:16:57,260 What can be coming next? 309 00:16:57,260 --> 00:17:00,460 Here we are. And I've got my laser. 310 00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:03,620 This is one of these things they use, you know... 311 00:17:03,620 --> 00:17:05,420 I'm going to point it behind me. 312 00:17:06,420 --> 00:17:10,020 And we're using the smoke because it shows up the laser line. 313 00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:11,980 - Can you see it there? - Oh yes. - Yeah. 314 00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:14,340 I'm deliberately... they keep shouting in my ear, 315 00:17:14,340 --> 00:17:16,100 "Don't point it at people's eyes." 316 00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:19,300 - I'm not! - "Don't point it at their fucking eyes! 317 00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:23,060 "It's fucking dangerous!" 318 00:17:23,060 --> 00:17:27,580 The thing is, he knows he's the one who's going to be fired. 319 00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:30,220 But there you are, you can see reasonably well 320 00:17:30,220 --> 00:17:31,980 that there is a laser light there. 321 00:17:31,980 --> 00:17:34,260 The lighting men are up there going, "AAAARGH!" 322 00:17:36,260 --> 00:17:40,180 This is ordinary laser light, the kind you'd use to, you know, 323 00:17:40,180 --> 00:17:42,700 at conferences to point on maps and all the rest of it. 324 00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:45,340 And I'm just going to press the laser here and... Oh! 325 00:17:45,340 --> 00:17:47,580 And... Oh! 326 00:17:47,580 --> 00:17:49,860 - And... Oh! - Whoa. 327 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:53,220 - And... - Green, wow, cool! Ooooh. 328 00:17:53,220 --> 00:17:56,980 - Nothing. It's not popping though. - Weird. 329 00:17:56,980 --> 00:18:00,100 - So, the black ones pop and the white one doesn't. Alan... - Racist. 330 00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:02,460 You should have a... 331 00:18:05,300 --> 00:18:08,460 That doesn't even begin to make sense. It's just... 332 00:18:08,460 --> 00:18:13,380 I want you... Take your black marker, please, 333 00:18:13,380 --> 00:18:17,340 and make a black target roughly in the centre of the balloon. 334 00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:20,820 And I'll let you press the button as a reward if you do it sensibly. 335 00:18:20,820 --> 00:18:22,260 So, do a big... 336 00:18:22,260 --> 00:18:25,580 - The temptation to draw a cock and balls is overwhelming. - I know. 337 00:18:25,580 --> 00:18:28,340 A big black spot, so it'll work, just there, 338 00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:30,900 and fill it in as black as you can. 339 00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:33,660 - Talk amongst yourselves. - That's right. 340 00:18:33,660 --> 00:18:35,060 If you'd worked for Blue Peter, 341 00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:37,460 you'd know how to do that while presenting to camera. 342 00:18:37,460 --> 00:18:40,220 - Oh yeah, sorry. - Yeah. There, you see, exactly. 343 00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:44,820 I haven't done a cock and balls and I know you're disappointed. 344 00:18:44,820 --> 00:18:48,020 - They're not. - This is the back of Stephen Fry's head. 345 00:18:48,020 --> 00:18:50,420 Yeah, it is actually not unlike. OK. 346 00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:53,420 - Will that do it, do you think? - I reckon that's black enough. 347 00:18:53,420 --> 00:18:57,620 We know that black absorbs light and heat and white we know reflects it. 348 00:18:57,620 --> 00:19:02,340 And we saw that the laser had enough energy to burst the black balloon. 349 00:19:02,340 --> 00:19:04,180 So all you have to do, just leave it there, 350 00:19:04,180 --> 00:19:07,180 it should be pointing in the right direction. 351 00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:08,580 Hooray! 352 00:19:10,780 --> 00:19:13,460 - There we are, well done. - Very enjoyable. 353 00:19:14,860 --> 00:19:18,660 I get sent very odd things by members of the public, thank you. 354 00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:22,980 And I got sent a thing to stand up weeing, and I thought it was... 355 00:19:22,980 --> 00:19:24,940 - Oh a funnel. - It's called a Shewee. 356 00:19:24,940 --> 00:19:27,420 - It's the most marvellous thing. - It's Japanese, isn't it? 357 00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:30,620 Oh, darling, I piss in all sorts of places now. 358 00:19:30,620 --> 00:19:32,540 I get out of the car, I can't be bothered to 359 00:19:32,540 --> 00:19:34,900 pop into the service station, on the back wheel, 360 00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:36,460 it's the most marvellous thing. 361 00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:39,260 It is mostly for driving, I thought, the Shewee. 362 00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:42,460 Driving under the influence of the need for a wee 363 00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:45,820 - is the most dangerous thing a human can do. - I would imagine it would be. 364 00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:48,740 I have reached 170 miles an hour. 365 00:19:48,740 --> 00:19:52,020 And disabled parking spaces outside motorway service stations, 366 00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:54,380 they're mine, because I am disabled by the need... 367 00:19:54,380 --> 00:19:57,420 - Exactly. - You are just... You can become consumed with... 368 00:19:57,420 --> 00:20:01,700 I had a wee, I had a wee in just a water bottle once, driving 369 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,500 about 100 mile an hour, just wee in this water bottle, and... 370 00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:07,420 - But then it won't stop. - Well, I failed my driving test. 371 00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:11,660 Hey! Hey! That old one. 372 00:20:12,900 --> 00:20:15,180 It reminds me of that phrase, Stephen, 373 00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:17,660 "Couldn't see the wood for the trees." 374 00:20:17,660 --> 00:20:20,660 - Have you ever come across that phrase before? - I have, I have. 375 00:20:20,660 --> 00:20:23,660 - I never used to understand it. - What it basically means is, 376 00:20:23,660 --> 00:20:25,580 you're looking at... Wait. 377 00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:31,740 - You're looking for wood. - Yes, yeah. - Not, not in the way you might. 378 00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:33,900 - No, not in that sense. - You're... - Yeah. 379 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:38,780 You're looking, you're looking for wood, and you're looking at trees. 380 00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:42,940 - Yes. - So you are in essence looking at wood. - They're wood, aren't they? 381 00:20:42,940 --> 00:20:45,700 But you're... I've got it, Alan. 382 00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:47,780 But you're, but you're seeing trees, 383 00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:50,580 - so you can't see the wood for the trees. - ..The trees. 384 00:20:50,580 --> 00:20:52,340 And I think, in a funny old way, 385 00:20:52,340 --> 00:20:55,180 it's a little bit like what you're talking about, isn't it? 386 00:20:55,180 --> 00:20:57,780 - Almost exactly not, yeah. - Yeah. Yeah. 387 00:20:57,780 --> 00:21:00,780 But it's nice, it's nice you brought that up. It's a good... 388 00:21:00,780 --> 00:21:04,500 - So that is Mormon porn? - That's Mormon porn. Yeah. 389 00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:07,580 They also have special underwear, do you know about that? 390 00:21:07,580 --> 00:21:10,940 Mormons wear, and devout ones, I suppose, for their whole lives, 391 00:21:10,940 --> 00:21:13,460 wear a special kind of undergarment which covers them 392 00:21:13,460 --> 00:21:15,580 from the knees right up to the top. 393 00:21:15,580 --> 00:21:18,100 - We can see an example of the garment. - I've got that on now. 394 00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:19,700 Have you? Are you wearing a garment? 395 00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:22,060 It goes all the way up to there and down to me knees. 396 00:21:22,060 --> 00:21:25,620 - Yes, up to? - Boobs. - Yes, up, but not over. - Not all the way, no. 397 00:21:25,620 --> 00:21:28,740 Yes, no, yours are nice, flying free and beautiful and lovely and... 398 00:21:31,700 --> 00:21:34,700 Not, not flying, but no, to be fair, 399 00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:38,460 it's a fulsome pair of funbags, and we... 400 00:21:41,780 --> 00:21:44,180 Can I have that as a quote on my next poster? 401 00:21:45,940 --> 00:21:49,020 It's party treat time now. Isn't this exciting? 402 00:21:49,020 --> 00:21:51,740 I've got something really interesting for you to try. 403 00:21:51,740 --> 00:21:54,180 It's powdered Miracle Berry. 404 00:21:54,180 --> 00:21:57,660 Now, you should have a little cup like this. 405 00:21:57,660 --> 00:22:01,500 So if you could instantly put that pill, as it were, in your mouth. 406 00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:04,420 - I promise you it's not going to hurt you. - We don't even question it. 407 00:22:04,420 --> 00:22:06,500 - We're just doing it! - Don't swallow it. 408 00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:08,820 - Yes, Stephen, we... - Don't swallow it, please do it. 409 00:22:08,820 --> 00:22:13,060 "Show me your titties." We've been down this road before, mister. 410 00:22:13,060 --> 00:22:14,580 It's in. 411 00:22:14,580 --> 00:22:17,340 "Only bite it when you see the whites of their eyes." 412 00:22:17,340 --> 00:22:19,940 Don't bite it, don't bite it, just roll it around your mouth, 413 00:22:19,940 --> 00:22:21,940 roll it around your tongue, it's quite sweet. 414 00:22:21,940 --> 00:22:24,580 It takes time to work, but it's rather extraordinary. 415 00:22:24,580 --> 00:22:27,980 - It's like a dead Refresher. - Yeah, it's exactly what it's like. 416 00:22:27,980 --> 00:22:30,340 But just let it, try and do a bit of action on it, 417 00:22:30,340 --> 00:22:32,540 just so that you can get it to dissolve. 418 00:22:32,540 --> 00:22:34,460 Spread it all over your tongue. 419 00:22:34,460 --> 00:22:37,260 It is quite miraculous, it's why it's called the Miracle Fruit. 420 00:22:37,260 --> 00:22:38,900 I've slightly crunched mine. 421 00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:41,860 - Don't worry, don't swallow it, just keep it... - Why not? 422 00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:44,100 No, keep it in your mouth, there's a good reason, 423 00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:46,780 I want for it to cover all of your tongue. It does something 424 00:22:46,780 --> 00:22:49,420 extraordinary to it, and that's what you'll discover. 425 00:22:49,420 --> 00:22:52,780 - So keep sucking, keep sucking. - I must remember this speech. 426 00:22:55,180 --> 00:22:56,660 You walk away! 427 00:23:00,340 --> 00:23:01,780 If you've made them swallow... 428 00:23:01,780 --> 00:23:06,180 It does something extraordinary to your tongue. Don't swallow it! 429 00:23:06,180 --> 00:23:10,860 - So, do you feel you've more or less coated yourself in it? - Yeah. 430 00:23:10,860 --> 00:23:13,180 What it does is, it actually gets rid of 431 00:23:13,180 --> 00:23:16,180 your tongue's ability to detect sour and bitter. 432 00:23:16,180 --> 00:23:18,100 So I want you just to take a bite on this lemon. 433 00:23:18,100 --> 00:23:21,180 You'll find, when you bite on the lemon, that it's not exactly sweet, 434 00:23:21,180 --> 00:23:24,340 but that it really has taken away 90% of its sourness. 435 00:23:24,340 --> 00:23:27,580 - I'm going in. - Interesting, isn't it? Your whole pill? 436 00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:31,220 - I've done, I've done... - Oh, you've not... - I've done a lot of coating. 437 00:23:31,220 --> 00:23:35,140 - Oh, that's delicious. - Isn't it? It's extraordinary. - Oh, that's good. 438 00:23:35,140 --> 00:23:37,660 - None of you has pulled an "argh" face. - That's lovely. 439 00:23:37,660 --> 00:23:39,220 That is like a really sweet orange. 440 00:23:39,220 --> 00:23:41,660 - Exactly. It's bizarre. - I'm going to regret it later. 441 00:23:41,660 --> 00:23:44,180 - It is a most extraordinary experience. - Hmm, I love that. 442 00:23:44,180 --> 00:23:46,860 And that will last for about half an hour, 443 00:23:46,860 --> 00:23:49,980 - 20 minutes. - I'm going to have chronic gastritis in 20 minutes. 444 00:23:49,980 --> 00:23:51,700 You'd be able to have lime. 445 00:23:51,700 --> 00:23:53,620 It was very popular, this Miracle Fruit. 446 00:23:53,620 --> 00:23:56,620 They had parties where they'd have a rainbow of different flavours 447 00:23:56,620 --> 00:23:59,860 that would occur, because it takes away your ability 448 00:23:59,860 --> 00:24:02,540 to taste the bitter or the sour, or indeed the salt, 449 00:24:02,540 --> 00:24:05,700 so everything becomes sweet, but it retains a little of its own flavour. 450 00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:07,940 - But it does work, doesn't it? - Amazing. - It is. 451 00:24:07,940 --> 00:24:11,740 Although it is vitamin C, so internally I'm rebelling. 452 00:24:13,500 --> 00:24:16,020 I'm going to save one in my pocket, have one later. 453 00:24:16,020 --> 00:24:18,540 - I'm going to give one to a friend. - Sure you are. - Yeah. 454 00:24:24,860 --> 00:24:28,380 - That's just so bad! - It makes it taste so much nicer. 455 00:24:28,380 --> 00:24:31,860 - Just pop that in your mouth. - We've witnessed something big tonight. 456 00:24:31,860 --> 00:24:34,700 - Yeah. - Yeah, it's all over. - It'll taste lovely for half an hour. 457 00:24:37,540 --> 00:24:39,420 LIZA: "My favourite word is titties." 458 00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:44,060 - You are so... - It's not sour any more, is it? No. 459 00:24:44,060 --> 00:24:45,740 It's not sour any more. 460 00:24:45,740 --> 00:24:47,860 That is so bad, you people. 461 00:24:50,020 --> 00:24:54,180 - Gerard de Nerval. - No. Wonderful, good. 462 00:24:54,180 --> 00:24:57,340 - Gerard de Nerval was a fascinating man. - He was. 463 00:24:57,340 --> 00:25:00,860 - I very much enjoyed the way you said that. - Je suis le veuf, l'encontre. 464 00:25:00,860 --> 00:25:04,260 - Le Tenebreux. - And he also famously had a pet lobster, Gerard de Nerval. 465 00:25:04,260 --> 00:25:06,940 - He did indeed. - That he used to take for walks on a lead. 466 00:25:06,940 --> 00:25:09,900 "Vite, vite, monsieur! 467 00:25:09,900 --> 00:25:11,460 "Monsieur Clicky!" 468 00:25:11,460 --> 00:25:13,780 - Stay with it, stay with it, stay with it. - Alors! 469 00:25:13,780 --> 00:25:16,820 Stay with it, because it's good. Because... 470 00:25:16,820 --> 00:25:20,140 - Non! - J'ai fatigue. - Non! 471 00:25:20,140 --> 00:25:22,020 Allez vite. 472 00:25:23,900 --> 00:25:30,540 - L'eau, s'il vous plait, l'eau! - Non. Non, pas de l'eau. Non. 473 00:25:30,540 --> 00:25:32,300 Le artichoke de Jerusalem. 474 00:25:36,700 --> 00:25:38,500 And then boomf, he's gone. 475 00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:41,540 I never thought I'd see the day 476 00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:45,420 when Bill Bailey force-fed Gerard de Nerval's lobster 477 00:25:45,420 --> 00:25:48,540 with Jerusalem artichoke, and yet the day came. 478 00:25:48,540 --> 00:25:50,860 Anyway, let's just return to this other poet, 479 00:25:50,860 --> 00:25:53,660 who was the lover of the young Verlaine. 480 00:25:53,660 --> 00:25:55,380 - Oh, sorry... - Verlaine! 481 00:25:55,380 --> 00:25:57,460 BUZZER HONKS 482 00:25:59,860 --> 00:26:02,820 - Very quick. - Did I ever give that away! 483 00:26:02,820 --> 00:26:06,740 We're going to end with really exciting Wild West action. 484 00:26:06,740 --> 00:26:12,940 Who fancies a shoot-out with a real life vortex cannon? 485 00:26:12,940 --> 00:26:15,820 I've given you one each next, you've got a box. 486 00:26:15,820 --> 00:26:18,900 See that box there? It's simply a box, all right? 487 00:26:18,900 --> 00:26:23,020 Now the hole is where the vortex emerges, 488 00:26:23,020 --> 00:26:26,860 so if you lean it so that the hole is pointing at the target, 489 00:26:26,860 --> 00:26:28,660 all right, and basically, 490 00:26:28,660 --> 00:26:32,940 what you've got to do is smack the side of the box, all right? 491 00:26:32,940 --> 00:26:35,740 After three, two, one, smack! 492 00:26:37,060 --> 00:26:39,620 Very good. There you are! Now... APPLAUSE 493 00:26:50,460 --> 00:26:52,540 But what we can... Yes. 494 00:26:52,540 --> 00:26:54,940 What we can do, before you destroy the box... 495 00:26:59,980 --> 00:27:02,260 - Before you destroy the box... - Oh, sorry. 496 00:27:02,260 --> 00:27:05,500 You can do something even more exciting - fill it with smoke. 497 00:27:05,500 --> 00:27:08,660 And it will demonstrate what in fact was happening with the air. 498 00:27:08,660 --> 00:27:11,860 You should all have smoke machines. That's it. 499 00:27:14,380 --> 00:27:16,540 Fill it with smoke, fill it with smoke. 500 00:27:16,540 --> 00:27:18,300 Fill it with smoke, and now... 501 00:27:18,300 --> 00:27:20,620 Look. Look at that. 502 00:27:23,700 --> 00:27:25,380 Just a gentle tap. 503 00:27:25,380 --> 00:27:27,940 That is a vortex, the beautiful smoke rings. 504 00:27:29,620 --> 00:27:31,220 A lovely one there. 505 00:27:34,820 --> 00:27:38,340 I've got an enormous cannon here, 506 00:27:38,340 --> 00:27:40,780 and I'm going to fill mine with... 507 00:27:43,820 --> 00:27:47,460 I'll see if I can get mine across the, across the... 508 00:27:47,460 --> 00:27:51,100 - You can make them chase each other, look. - ..across the room here. 509 00:27:51,100 --> 00:27:54,340 Here we go. I've got it the wrong way round, obviously. 510 00:27:54,340 --> 00:27:56,220 That doesn't help. 511 00:27:57,780 --> 00:27:59,380 AUDIENCE CHEERS 512 00:28:01,540 --> 00:28:03,500 We'll let the smoke drift a little. 513 00:28:06,620 --> 00:28:08,300 Would anyone like a big dustbin? 514 00:28:10,620 --> 00:28:13,980 It's simply pressure of air creating this wonderful vortex. 515 00:28:13,980 --> 00:28:18,220 - JOHNNY: No, it's not, it's magic. - Nice one, Alan. 516 00:28:18,220 --> 00:28:21,900 With this kind of magic, we could make the tiny people big again. 517 00:28:21,900 --> 00:28:24,260 Yes! 519 00:28:34,300 --> 00:28:35,820 There you are.