1 00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:10,240 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:30,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:33,760 G-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-d evening, 4 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:37,680 good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome. 5 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:41,280 All right. Alan, we're going to make your life a little easier, 6 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:44,120 - we're going to lower the lights in here... - I can go home? - Yeah. 7 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:45,600 LAUGHTER 8 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,160 ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS 9 00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:49,320 Now, Alan... 10 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,720 Oh, this is unfair! Alan gets a girl, I've got Jack! 11 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:53,320 LAUGHTER 12 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,520 - I'm going to ask Alan... - Jack's a girl. 13 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:56,880 LAUGHTER 14 00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:58,720 Steady, steady. 15 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:02,080 I'm going to ask Alan a very specific question now. 16 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:05,280 Can you feel your sphincter relaxing? 17 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:09,360 LAUGHTER 18 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,280 APPLAUSE 19 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:16,720 It's a perfectly innocent question. 20 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,320 I must say, I thought it was until you asked me. 21 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,800 LAUGHTER 22 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,880 Well, what you might have said is, 23 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:28,680 "Which sphincter?" 24 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:30,880 - Oh, of course. Oh! - CHUCKLING 25 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:33,880 Because you may not know this, but you have many sphincters. 26 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:35,800 - Oh, I know... I know a little... - Yes? 27 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:38,160 - I know about sphincters. - Tell me about sphincters. 28 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:41,440 - I once had... This may not be an appropriate story... - LAUGHTER 29 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:44,800 - I certainly hope not! - ..for QI, but I once had a bladder complaint. 30 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,800 This is not STI, it was just a... 31 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,520 - I was getting up in the middle of the night... - Why are you looking at me when you say that?! 32 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,280 - You're the arbitrator. - Cos I thought you would understand! 33 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,760 - The doctor sometimes says, "We'll pop a camera in..." - Ow! 34 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,560 "..and explore..." It was in my bladder, 35 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,720 - there was a bit of an issue... - An endoscope. Yes. 36 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:04,440 So they decided to get a camera and just...pop it in my bladder. 37 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:07,040 And, obviously, the easiest way to get in is to...is to... 38 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,600 - Is through the...schlong. - Is through the schlong. 39 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:12,480 And I imagined the camera would be like the width of a human hair. 40 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,520 - It was like a... It was like a pen! - Ow! 41 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,040 GROANING 42 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:19,680 And they fed it in, and it was about ten years ago I had this... 43 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:24,240 LAUGHTER 44 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:27,400 LIGHT APPLAUSE 45 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,840 And it was about ten years ago, 46 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,160 and it was a lovely nurse that was doing the procedure, 47 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,560 and as fed it, she went, "What do you do for a living?" 48 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:42,400 She was trying to start conversation at this awkward moment. 49 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,960 I went, "I'm a comedian," and she went, "Tell us a joke." 50 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,600 - No! - LAUGHTER 51 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,600 - And it is a matter of professional pride that I did. - Oh, well done! 52 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,920 There's a claim to the origin of the term "lynch," 53 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,520 which is a man called James Lynch Fitzstephen, 54 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,720 who was the mayor of Galway in Ireland. 55 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,840 And he hanged his own son from the balcony of his house 56 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:07,360 after convicting him of the murder of a Spanish visitor in 1493. 57 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,120 So that's pretty bold, isn't it? 58 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,000 - Wow. - Christ on a bike! 59 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:14,400 It's extreme. He learnt his lesson. He never did it again. 60 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,800 - LAUGHTER - No. 61 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:20,560 - Did you say he hanged his own son for stealing a bike? - No. - No! 62 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,080 - Did you...? What did you think I said? - Did you nod off? 63 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,680 I misheard you. I'm so hungry, I don't know what I'm saying. 64 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,160 - No, for killing a... - I can't concentrate when I'm hungry. 65 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:30,720 - ..killing a Spaniard. - For killing a Spanish visitor, yeah. 66 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:32,080 Has anyone got any food? 67 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,360 - He killed... - Do you not listen to...? - No, he doesn't. 68 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:36,200 - I'm starving hungry. - Are you? 69 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:39,080 And now I can't concentrate because I'm having a blood sugar crash. 70 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:41,280 I hope you never get called up for jury service 71 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,160 and you're hungry in the afternoon. 72 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,560 "What was it, killed a Spaniard or stole a bike?" 73 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:48,280 LAUGHTER 74 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,000 It's quite an important difference. 75 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,640 "I don't know what he said. I'm starving. Can I have an apple?" 76 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:54,960 - Where did that come from? - I don't know. - Stole a bike? 77 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,520 He was... Your mind was wandering. 78 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,760 I was just drifting off. I was thinking about pasta. 79 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,320 LAUGHTER 80 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:01,880 When his brain sugar drops, 81 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,480 I'm afraid all kinds of weird things start to happen. 82 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,400 Well, has no-one got something to eat here? 83 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,160 Are you bringing something down? 84 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,520 - Here you are, in you go, come on. - Thank you very much. 85 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,480 APPLAUSE 86 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,160 - What have we got? What have we got? - Some homemade flapjacks. 87 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,960 - Oh flapjacks! - Flapjacks! - Yes! Thank you. 88 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,760 - Can I have a kiss? - Yeah, go on. 89 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,760 Oh, she has to have a kiss. Very good. 90 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:26,680 APPLAUSE 91 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,400 I've got something interesting to show you now. 92 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,840 So, I want you to tell me what it is, quite simply. 93 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:37,000 - What's the name for one of these? - Oh, God! 94 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,120 - It's a Toby Jug, isn't it? - Yes. Yes. 95 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:41,720 - No, this is known as a character jug. - Oh. 96 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:45,000 If you want to know what a Toby Jug looks like, it's that. 97 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,600 A Toby Jug is the whole person. 98 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,640 - Oh, the whole person. - Isn't that pretty?! 99 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,640 If it's a head, it's called a character jug. 100 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,280 - But I've got something more interesting, - I - think, 101 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:55,320 - which - I - hope you're going to like. 102 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:56,960 It's got water in it. 103 00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:00,960 All you have to do is drink the water without spilling it. 104 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,240 It's got holes in it, so if you lift it... 105 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:04,760 WATER DRIPS 106 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,400 LAUGHTER 107 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,360 It's got HOLES in it, so that's not going to work. 108 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,720 Do you see? No. 109 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,520 It's gone down my sleeve! 110 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:17,440 LAUGHTER 111 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,920 - You just cover up two. - So, you've got to try and work it out. 112 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,840 Right, I'm going to hollow out this biro and use it as a straw. 113 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,600 - Like that... - I'm evolving. - Ah, you're getting there! 114 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,680 So, what you're doing... But, no, don't pour it, 115 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,400 because the water will come up. 116 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,640 Look at the handle. 117 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:32,360 The handle is connected to the bottom, 118 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,680 - so if you could suck one of those tubes... - You suck... - Oh, got it. 119 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:36,920 Cover the holes... 120 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,040 - The other hole. - ..and then suck through there, 121 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,280 BUT there's a secret hole you've got to cover. 122 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,040 Hole there, get those two... 123 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,360 - Look under! - My one's got loads of holes. 124 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:47,560 No, look under the top of the handle. 125 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,840 - Oh, that hole there. - Oh, there's a hole there as well. 126 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:53,200 If you cover THAT and the other two holes, then you can... 127 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,040 I mean, it's a bit of a palaver. 128 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:57,840 There, yes... 129 00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:00,080 Could they not just have made a cup? 130 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,840 - Oh, Sue! - Just an electrical hazard waiting to... - So like this? 131 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,840 Someone may as well just set fire to me. 132 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:07,520 That's it, now you can suck it. It's pure... Don't tip it! 133 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,160 - Don't tip it! - Oh, bollocks! - So, you just... 134 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:13,240 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 135 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,640 Yes, jizz, as you knew, as a bird spotter, 136 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,320 is that indefinable something, 137 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:23,160 the shape, the gait, the outline that allows you to identify a bird. 138 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,720 - Yes. - But we have the four birds we showed you... 139 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,200 - I thought you were going to say, "We have some jizz." - No. 140 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,520 LAUGHTER 141 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,880 "We have some birds here you can identify by their jizz." 142 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,760 - We literally do. - All right. - We literally do. - Oh, look. 143 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,920 Yeah. They all begin with J, that's your clue. 144 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,240 I'll say a J-Hawk. Because that's all I can think of... 145 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,320 No. That's not a hawk, is it? Look at it! I mean... 146 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,160 That is a hawk! What are you saying?! 147 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,680 - Yeah, what kind of...? - How is that a hawk? - That is a hawk! 148 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:50,160 - Swooping down and picking up a rabbit?! - That's not... 149 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,360 That is to scale, Bill. That's the size of it. 150 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,720 Oh, right! Oh, it's a long way off! 151 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,720 - It's massive! - Have you seen a hawk's beak and eye? 152 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,840 A hawk's beak, yes. It's not the common hawk. 153 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,320 A hawk's got... It's a raptor! 154 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:04,240 That's not a raptor, that's a flippin' flycatcher or something. 155 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,160 You are very good. It's a flycatcher. 156 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,160 - It's a flycatcher, there you go. - He's good. 157 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,480 Yeah, don't mess with the jizz-meister. 158 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:12,280 APPLAUSE 159 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,880 - Hey, I was second on that. - No, you weren't. Not even close. 160 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,200 - I came second. - A hawk?! 161 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,480 You just mentioned a bird, that's not coming second. 162 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,200 - OK, stick up the next one. I'm sure I'll get it. - That is just... 163 00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:24,120 In medieval times, did they go out with one of them on a gauntlet? 164 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:26,120 - Fly! - That is called... 165 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,360 - That is called a black tail. - Bring me a fly! 166 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,840 Ssh! Just to finish it, that WAS a flycatcher. 167 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,480 It was a Juan Fernandez Tit-Tyrant. 168 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,960 LAUGHTER 169 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,160 - A crested... - Oh, God, here we go again! 170 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:40,040 LAUGHTER 171 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,960 - Wait a minute, wait a minute... - "Oh, we all know a tit tyrant!" 172 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:46,040 A Juan Fernandez...Tit-Tyrant. 173 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:49,120 A crested, spotted-chested member of the Tyrant flycatcher... 174 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:52,760 - You just invented that! - A spotty-chested member?! 175 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:56,280 There are points for knowing where the Juan Fernandez Islands are. 176 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,000 Juan Fernandez? 177 00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,960 SHE STUTTERS Breast Cock Lane? 178 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,840 LAUGHTER 179 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,720 That's the spirit! 180 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,720 APPLAUSE 181 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:10,840 - Now you're getting it. - You are getting into this very much. 182 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,720 What I'm going to try and do... 183 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:15,040 I'm going to try and create something 184 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,720 that will make you think, "No! 185 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,240 "No, Stephen, this is not possible! 186 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:23,600 "Stephen, I will now bow down and worship you forever." 187 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,720 I'm going to try and create... 188 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:27,880 a square... 189 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,880 - ..bubble. - No! 190 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,520 - "Shut up, Stephen!" - LAUGHTER 191 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,960 I'm on the verge of worshiping you forever. 192 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,640 Yeah, exactly. How would you not be? 193 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,800 - A square bubble. - Shut the front door. 194 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,160 All right, so I've got this... I've got this here. 195 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:45,040 - Can you see that bubble there? - Oh! - Wow! - Wow! 196 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,480 Well, it's not yet square, but if I...if I blow... 197 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,120 No way! 198 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:55,760 - Square bubble! - Oh! - Square bubble! 199 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 200 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,440 How amazing is that?! 201 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:06,800 Very cool. 202 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:10,280 On television, virtually live, "as live," as we say, 203 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:13,960 it's probably the only interesting and important thing 204 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,280 I've ever done in my life. 205 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:16,600 LAUGHTER 206 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:19,880 But I'm proud, and thank you for enjoying my square bubble. 207 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,840 Or you could try this pen. Try writing something with the pen. 208 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,320 Oh, this is going to be hilarious(!) 209 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,040 - Go on, then. - Oh, dear... 210 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 211 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,000 I don't want to touch it! 212 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,920 - Electric shock? - I think so. 213 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,040 That's... I'm really sorry, 214 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:42,000 cos that is quite a severe electric shock. 215 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,120 - It's not... - I'll just take your word for it. 216 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,480 It's not insignificant, that one. That is...barely a joke. 217 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:50,240 It's not funny at all, Stephen! 218 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,680 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 219 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,480 - Yeah, give it back. - That really hurt! 220 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:56,800 Aww! 221 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,360 A bendy pencil... 222 00:09:58,360 --> 00:09:59,920 I don't want a bendy pencil! 223 00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,360 LAUGHTER 224 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:05,560 Have you ever seen an inside-out moon? 225 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,160 ALL SIGH 226 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,320 - The Clangers. - They were wonderful! - The land where the Clangers live. 227 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,640 - ALAN BABBLES - Hello, baby Clanger. 228 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,400 There's the Soup Dragon. 229 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,280 HE CONTINUES TO BABBLE 230 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,680 They didn't do... They didn't make that noise. 231 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,160 No! Bill, do it. Listen to Bill. 232 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,400 No, they went like... HE WHISTLES LIKE A CLANGER 233 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,160 Yeah, but the Soup Dragon... 234 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,520 - Are you doing the Soup Dragon? - Yeah. - Oh, right. 235 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:31,000 - The Soup Dragon was more... - He did a gurgle! 236 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,600 HE GURGLES 237 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,120 LAUGHTER 238 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:35,640 HE CONTINUES TO GURGLE 239 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:38,720 I have to say, in all honesty, as an impartial judge, 240 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,760 Bill wins the Clanger impression award. 241 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 242 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:47,080 Did you hear about the auctioneer summoned to a Scottish castle? 243 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,440 This is not a joke by the way. He was summoned to a Scottish castle - 244 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,680 the Lord had just died and the family were selling the contents - 245 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,320 and he was looking around, trying to find this hat stand. 246 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:59,480 And then finally he came across it, and it was a German soldier. 247 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:02,560 And what had happened was that the Lord, or his ancestors, 248 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:04,560 had been in the First World War with his batman, 249 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,240 who it was always supposed was a little more than his batman... 250 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:08,360 Right... 251 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,640 ..who looked over the trench to see if it was all right 252 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,600 and was shot by the Germans on the other side, 253 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,160 and this enraged the Scottish chap so much, 254 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,960 he ran across no man's land, killed the German, 255 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,840 dragged him back to the... to the British trenches, 256 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,440 sent him home with instructions he be stuffed 257 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,040 and used as a hat stand for the rest of time. 258 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:28,560 But only 80 years had elapsed, so it was as though... 259 00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:31,000 His ancestors would still be around in Germany, 260 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,480 and they would come and have to... 261 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,400 And they had to go and find them and say, 262 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:36,680 "Oh, did he... Did he have a dignified death? 263 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:38,320 - "Not really, no." - No. 264 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:39,840 LAUGHTER 265 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,920 I had two fellas come into my flat once, 266 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,200 and they must have been first-time burglars and... 267 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,640 and I was a first-time burglaree, or whatever. 268 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,200 - Yeah. - So I was coming down the stairs... - A victim. - That's it! 269 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,480 I was coming down the stairs, I was in my boxer shorts, 270 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,360 and they were sort of at the bottom of the stairs in masks, and... 271 00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:58,720 Bloody hell! 272 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,400 ..there was a point where I thought, "I'm dead. This is it." 273 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:02,920 - And THEY panicked. - Yes. 274 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,400 I don't know why, cos I'm not a scary-looking bloke, 275 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,400 and after, there was a bit of silence and then one of them went, 276 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,160 - "Can we borrow some milk?" Like... - Oh! 277 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,080 APPLAUSE 278 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:14,800 Were they three cats? 279 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,560 LAUGHTER 280 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:19,360 Well, it is often the case that the criminal is more scared. 281 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:22,040 You know, it is a scary thing to do, if it's a child, I suppose. 282 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,720 A friend of mine saw a mugging in Central Park in New York, 283 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,880 and he started running after the mugger, 284 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,560 and then he realised, he thought, "What am I going to do?" 285 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:31,200 And this mugger turned round, 286 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:34,240 so he turned round and started running after him. 287 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:37,080 And he just...he just shouted out, "I'm a marathon runner, 288 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,560 "I'm going to keep my distance from you, whatever you do," 289 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:42,000 and just kept running backwards and forwards like that, 290 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,080 and in the end the guy dropped the bag and ran off, 291 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,440 because he just didn't know... 292 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,440 They were just to-ing and fro-ing like that. 293 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,760 And he just maintained a constant distance from him. 294 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:52,640 I can remember getting mugged and I was 17, 16 or 17, 295 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,600 I got mugged and the guy said, "Give us your money or we'll beat you up," 296 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:56,840 and I remember thinking, 297 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,480 "Out of the two options, I'm not bothered about this 20 quid," 298 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:02,720 and I gave him the money and then he beat me up, he still beat me up. 299 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,920 And I remember afterwards being more upset 300 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,720 by that sort of breach of verbal contract, you know. 301 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,000 Like, we'd entered into an agreement, didn't we? 302 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,200 - Yes. - A gentleman's agreement. - Yeah. I was like, "No, not fair..." 303 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,760 There is no stronger, hotter smart that you feel, 304 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,480 as a child in particular, than injustice, is there? 305 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:22,080 Injustice is a horrible thing. And that was unjust. 306 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:25,200 There's the bridge, and you're about to see a superhero, 307 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,800 a man of astounding courage and bravery, 308 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,640 do a bungee jump off the original AJ Hackett bridge. 309 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,960 There he is. Can you see him there? 310 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,120 He's fat, he's... 311 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,400 It's...it's me! 312 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,040 LAUGHTER 313 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,360 THEY CHEER AND GROAN 314 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:44,880 There I am. That was me bungee jumping just last... 315 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,440 Earlier this year, in fact. 316 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:47,800 Wow! Goodness me. 317 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,280 And you know, the weird thing is, 318 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,240 I am the biggest coward in the world... 319 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:55,000 The moment I was picked up by the relief boat that picks you up, 320 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,760 I said, "I want to do it again!" 321 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:58,480 LAUGHTER 322 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,000 The adrenaline surge is so enormous. 323 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,480 It is the biggest fun I've ever had. 324 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,960 A rush. Well done. 325 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,560 And does it...does it pull at your ankles? 326 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,680 Well, the major problem usually is detached retinas, actually. 327 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,720 - Yes. - People get pop-eyed. 328 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:16,000 What about when we went scuba diving and your mask was too tight? 329 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,320 - Do you remember that? - Oh, yeah. No, I don't want to... 330 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,280 His eyes nearly came out of his head! 331 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,600 LAUGHTER 332 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:26,400 And inside the mask were these massive eyes... 333 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,920 We're all going, "Come and have a look at Bill!" 334 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,000 "Check he's all right, check he's all right..." 335 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,560 And when we found out he was all right, I laughed my head off. 336 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,080 LAUGHTER 337 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,880 - No! No, can I just...? - The thing is... 338 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,600 Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Rewind. Rewind. 339 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,400 Can we just go back to the bit where you said...? 340 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,360 When you checked we were all right, you laughed my head off? 341 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,400 You were laughing from the minute my face came out of the water. 342 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,920 LAUGHTER 343 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:51,720 There's these fucking massive eyes! 344 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:54,000 There was blood pouring out of my eyes. 345 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,280 He had no idea at all, couldn't feel anything! 346 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:59,800 I had no idea. I was running around and people were going, "Oh, my God!" 347 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:03,360 ALAN SCREAMS "Oh, my God!" I went, "What? What?!" 348 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:07,240 Like Carrie, or something, with blood streaming from my eyes... 349 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,880 You had huge great eyeballs, 350 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:12,560 - which took quite a long time for them to recede as well. - Yes, it did. 351 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:14,360 And a lot of laughing was going on. 352 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:17,240 I thought you had some sort of magnifying mask on, 353 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:20,560 - but when you took the mask off, they were still enormous. - Enormous... 354 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,520 LAUGHTER 355 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:24,920 When we lived in Australia, my wife bought a horse 356 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,400 and she was desperate to try and get me to ride, right? 357 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,160 So she said, "I've bought this horse, 358 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,560 - "it's really docile and you'll be fine." - They never are. 359 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:34,920 Well, no, actually, the problem was it was TOO docile. 360 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:38,880 What happened was it ended up being studied by Melbourne University 361 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:40,640 because... Yeah! 362 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:44,680 Because it was one of the few horses that was... 363 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:46,840 medically, got narcolepsy. 364 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:50,200 LAUGHTER So, I swear to God... No... 365 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:54,720 It's one of the rare cases of a narcoleptic horse. 366 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,800 So, she buys this horse and she says... 367 00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:00,440 She couldn't work out why every time, when she was grooming it, 368 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,840 it would get heavier and it would just... 369 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,440 LAUGHTER 370 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,600 HE CRIES OUT ..like that. 371 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,400 And...so, she couldn't groom it, because it would fall on her. 372 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:14,160 So she says to me, "It's fine, the horse is narcoleptic, get on it." 373 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:16,360 And so I got on it, in full motorbike gear, 374 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,840 cos I wasn't taking any chances, 375 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:22,320 and I sat on this horse and it started to just... 376 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:25,280 and you know, normally, you kick a horse to make it go? 377 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,760 This one, you kicked it and it would go, "What? Eh?" 378 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:29,000 Like that, to wake it up. 379 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,440 And sometimes it would fall asleep against the electric fence... 380 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:33,560 LAUGHTER 381 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,560 So it would go... It would go like that... 382 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,040 "Ah! Hey! Ah! Oh! Hey!" 383 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,080 It's like Jack Douglas from the Carry On films. 384 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,800 LAUGHTER 385 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,440 There's a man called Theo Jansen 386 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,560 who's an extraordinary artist/inventor, 387 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:49,480 who has created this remarkable machine. Do you know about it? 388 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,320 - It walks along... - It walks on the sand without any electronics 389 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,840 or anything else like that, just powered by the wind. 390 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:57,680 It's really extraordinary. These are some of the things it can do. 391 00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,960 No metallic or electronic parts, remember that. 392 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,680 It can detect the tide coming in, walk away from the water, 393 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:05,160 anchor itself by hammering a pin into the ground... 394 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,760 That's what it looks like. ..if the wind gets too strong. 395 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,880 It can even store up air in bottles when the wind is blowing, 396 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,400 and release it to keep itself moving when the wind drops. 397 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,720 Lots of clips on YouTube, 398 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,400 but you have to go to Holland to see them live on the beach. 399 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:21,080 BUT, through the magic of the next big thing in tech, 400 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,560 which is 3-D printing, where you can print an object out... 401 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,880 This is a 3-D printed object. It's entirely 3-D printed. 402 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:31,120 It needed no extra thing, except to have the propeller put on the end. 403 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:33,920 - Wow! - And this is a version of the sea beast. 404 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,400 And instead of blowing, I'm going to use a little electric fan like so. 405 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,040 - There we go. - Wow! 406 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:42,800 Ooh, ooh, sand beast. 407 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,280 - Isn't that cool? - That's great! 408 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:48,680 And that was printed out? 409 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,520 But isn't that an amazing object? 410 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:54,040 - Oh, it looks really spooky. - Move your glasses. 411 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,600 - I can't believe you got that from a 3-D printer. - I know! 412 00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:59,160 I sort of feel like this is going to be...it's going to bluff, 413 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,360 - that can't be a real thing. - I promise you it's true. 414 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:03,840 So, how does it work? Is it a block of resin? How does it...? 415 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,600 It's basically lasers fusing powdered plastic together. 416 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,040 Even though it consists of 417 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,680 at least 76 separate moving interlocking parts, 418 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:13,120 they emerge from the printer ready to operate 419 00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:15,240 without the need for further assembly, 420 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:18,280 - with the exception of the addition of the propeller. - No way! 421 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:21,240 - That's absolutely right. - That is the future! - Isn't it amazing?! 422 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,800 Let's hear it for this amazing machine. Brilliant. 423 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,840 APPLAUSE 424 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,000 Really impressive. 425 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,040 The saddest, possibly, 426 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:34,080 the saddest story of hide and seek that you can think of, 427 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,440 although it has a kind of happy ending, 428 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:39,880 is Liu Wei, a Chinese pianist who was playing hide and seek 429 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,680 and he electrocuted himself so badly that he lost both his arms. 430 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,680 So he learnt to play the piano with his toes. 431 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:48,640 So, he could play...? And all of his toes work? 432 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:51,040 They look like fingers, it's actually astonishing. 433 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:52,240 It's really amazing. 434 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,720 Are you sure he just hasn't got his head in the wrong place? 435 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,160 LAUGHTER 436 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:58,560 He's got his hands down a pair of trousers! 437 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,560 "Look at my toes! Look at my toes! Coming out of the end of my... 438 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,440 "I've taken my socks off." 439 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,040 - "I play the piano with my toes, everyone." - Exactly. 440 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,920 He's saying he's a man who can play the piano with his feet. 441 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,080 He's a man with a penis that looks like a face. 442 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,360 LAUGHTER 443 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,960 I just...I have to do a story that's to do with pranks at medical school. 444 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,760 - Oh, lovely. - Because my flatmates... 445 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:27,120 They had a girl in their group at medical school 446 00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:30,160 that was very annoying, so they decided to play a trick on her. 447 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:33,520 So basically they got a hand from the lab 448 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:37,880 - and put it on her pillow in the student digs. - Oh, God. 449 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:39,680 And then they all hid in the kitchen 450 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:42,640 and she came in from a night out, went into her room, 451 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,560 and they expected she would just open the door and go, "Argh!" 452 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:49,400 Like that, and then they would all go in there and point and laugh. 453 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:53,200 And she went in there and, for ages, there was just complete silence, 454 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:56,160 and they thought, "Oh, God, what's going on?" 455 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:58,640 Please, God, no, not what I think it is! 456 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:04,240 I hope you're not thinking what I'm thinking, Alan. 457 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,480 - Please let's not... - No. 458 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:09,120 - Did she ball it into a fist...? - Anyway... - No, no! 459 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,200 - GROANS AND LAUGHTER - Don't! 460 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,600 - ..and then couldn't get it out? - We're all thinking... 461 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,200 We're all thinking what must be the wrong thing. 462 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,800 No, so they went into the room and she was sitting on the bed... 463 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,480 - eating it. - Eating it?! 464 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,080 SHOUTING AND GROANING 465 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,440 Oh, that's even worse! 466 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,760 I know. I'm sorry to have to tell you, but that's absolutely true. 467 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,600 Why was she eating it?! 468 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,280 - Because she was hungry! - Because I think it freaked... Yes. 469 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,840 What does...? Why...? What...? She was hungry? 470 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,760 It's like... I'm hungry right now, I'm not eating your hand. 471 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,800 LAUGHTER 472 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:42,920 I want you all to do a jolly jape now, which is make a dart, 473 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:46,200 a paper dart, and the person who can throw it the furthest wins. 474 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,480 - Talk amongst yourselves! - Yeah. 475 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,040 We want a piece of this paper... 476 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,000 There are various kinds you can do, just try the type you did at school. 477 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,080 Oh, I've totally forgotten now to do this. 478 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,440 And, obviously, take your time, as quickly as you can. 479 00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:00,560 I'm going to make one the way we used to make them at school, 480 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,160 knowing full well that they didn't fly very well. 481 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:05,360 Well, some people were good at it and some weren't. 482 00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:07,400 Interesting to see how well you're doing. 483 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,120 It's precision engineering. 484 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,280 Oops, I've made a hat. 485 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,320 LAUGHTER 486 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,800 I'm going to put little flaps on mine, and a tail. 487 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,400 Mine's just... I've just had that idea! 488 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:22,680 You seem to be ready. Who's ready? David, have a go. 489 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,240 - I've done this completely wrong... - As far as you can go. 490 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,280 Not bad. 491 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 492 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,760 Should you throw or should you cast like a bowler? 493 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,160 Ah! Well, it's up to you. 494 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,400 - Yours is great, look at that. - Yeah, that looks very good. 495 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,800 Whoa, there we go. 496 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:44,920 APPLAUSE 497 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,440 - It went up because of the flaps. - Yeah. Your flaps. 498 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,120 - Corrugated roof tiles! - Flaps gave it lift. 499 00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:54,160 Watch out in the back row, this is going to be lethal. 500 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:55,800 It's one of those stealth ones. 501 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,480 You won't be able to see it, you won't be able to measure it. 502 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,600 You can buy it from Wickes. "It's got our name on it." Oh! 503 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:04,280 APPLAUSE 504 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,640 A suicide plane! 505 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,480 That's impossible! It defies all laws of physics. 506 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,440 I thought it was acrobatics. 507 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,160 Sue, your chance for glory. 508 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,040 I don't think it's going to happen. 509 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:21,080 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 510 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,160 Well, despite the brilliance of Amy Johnson... 511 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,840 Would you be surprised to know 512 00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:31,520 that the paper airplane that goes the furthest looks like this? 513 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:34,040 - Stop it! - No! - Yeah, that's a bracelet. 514 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:36,120 I know. It seems hardly credible. 515 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,800 What do you do? Do you just scrunch it up and chuck it? 516 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,520 I'm unfortunately not very good at throwing it. 517 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:46,240 I've practiced a bit, but the world record is 200 yards. 518 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,320 - No way! - I'm not kidding you. - Straight down. 519 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,920 You're supposed to twist it, and that's why I'm not good at it. 520 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:52,720 I've never thrown an American football. 521 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,240 You do it in the style of an American football. 522 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:56,760 - Whoa! - There you go. 523 00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:59,120 APPLAUSE 524 00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,080 - Not bad. - That's amazing! 525 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:02,440 Pretty good, isn't it? 526 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,920 Are you a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang fan? 527 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,240 I haven't watched it since I was a child, 528 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:11,280 because I think that's when you're supposed to watch it. 529 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,960 Do you know, that's girls, you see. 530 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,600 Little girls grow up to be women, 531 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:17,040 and little boys grow up to be big little boys. 532 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,760 - We still watch children's films. - We've got too much stuff to do. 533 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,240 - Do you have children, though? - No. 534 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,680 - Ah, well, when you do, then remember... - No, no, no, no! 535 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:26,760 - You plan not to? - No. There's no "when," Stephen. 536 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,160 - There's no... - No. - You're not going to adopt a little shiny little baby? 537 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:31,800 A SHINY one?! 538 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,480 LAUGHTER 539 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,320 Are they varnished? Can I varnish one? 540 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:40,640 I don't know. They might be more attractive if they're shiny. 541 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:42,080 It's not my field, I don't... 542 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:45,840 And then Stephen revealed his plans for a child-buffing workshop... 543 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,240 LAUGHTER 544 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:53,120 ..where craftsmen will get toddlers to a high sheen. 545 00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:54,880 LAUGHTER 546 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:58,000 "More... More lacquer, little boy?" 547 00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,840 LAUGHTER 548 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:02,440 HE IMITATES MACHINE WHIRRING 549 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:04,800 APPLAUSE 550 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:11,640 - Oh, dear! - "You're the shiniest one." 551 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,040 "We shall put you in Harrods' window." 552 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,280 Oh, stop it! 553 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:18,160 "I'm still alive in here, I'm still alive in here." 554 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,320 - "Why, I can see..." - "Help me!" 555 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,240 "I can see my face in your face. It's..." 556 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,280 HE IMITATES MACHINE WHIRRING 557 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:26,720 You might have changed my mind. 558 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,840 I thought they were very matte, I had no idea. 559 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:31,480 Nice shiny little baby, I think they're lovely. 560 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:34,440 Although, slightly put off by the idea of the child-buffing. 561 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:37,240 LAUGHTER 562 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:43,000 Thank you for that, so much. 563 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:51,240 Now, making hydrogen with nails and drain cleaner 564 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,000 would be a very jolly jape indeed, don't you think? 565 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,040 - Yes, I think so. - So, let's try it. 566 00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,720 To prove that it's hydrogen, I'm going to have to set fire it. 567 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:00,640 And I'm going to set fire to it on my own hand, 568 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,200 so, first of all I'm going to have a little basin of water 569 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,240 I'm going to put here, to dip my hand in, 570 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,520 to wet it, so I don't burn myself too badly. 571 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,320 And then I have my really exci... 572 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,120 Oh, hello? 573 00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:15,600 Made a mistake, sorry. Man in my ear's furious with me. 574 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:18,000 "What are you fucking doing?! 575 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:19,520 "Put the water down!" 576 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,120 LAUGHTER 577 00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:25,440 "Do this properly or you will die, do you understand?!" 578 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,080 LAUGHTER 579 00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:29,280 - No... - "Start again, for fuck's sake!" 580 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:31,400 LAUGHTER 581 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:34,120 He was much gentler than that. He was very sweet. 582 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:35,240 So, anyway... 583 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:40,240 I've been told to tell you not to try this at home. 584 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,120 - Try it in someone else's home... - Yeah. 585 00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:43,720 LAUGHTER 586 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,760 The fire exits are there, and there. 587 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:51,600 What I've got here is some ordinary green-coloured washing up liquid. 588 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:55,000 We're not allowed to mention it's Fairy... Its name! 589 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:58,280 I've got a little chemical lab, a little... 590 00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,440 - I don't know what you call this... - Flask. - Flask, I think, is the word. 591 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,240 Oh, this is like going on a picnic with Heston Blumenthal! 592 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:05,680 LAUGHTER 593 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,000 It's got some nails in it and I'm going to add a few more 594 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,520 and a little bit of zinc. 595 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:12,840 And I've got here, this is the hydrochloric acid, very strong. 596 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,840 When are you going to put on the safety goggles? 597 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:18,000 I'll put them on now, because I'm about to open the bottle of acid. 598 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,000 "Put the fucking safety goggles on!" 599 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:21,640 LAUGHTER 600 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,560 Not only that, but I've also got... 601 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,440 I've also got a... I've also got a mask. 602 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,600 - Here we go. - What about us?! 603 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,120 Sorry, can I just ask, YOU'RE putting on safety goggles? 604 00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:32,600 Yeah! 605 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:34,920 - YOU'RE putting on a mask. - What's the story here? 606 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:36,760 You're fine, you're expendable. 607 00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:38,880 LAUGHTER 608 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:41,200 I may have the mask upside down. 609 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,520 It does tell you to put the mask on your children 610 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:46,800 before putting it on yourself, as on an aeroplane. 611 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:48,560 "Got the fucking mask upside down!" 612 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,120 LAUGHTER 613 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:53,520 Right, OK. I've got the goggles, I've got this. 614 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:57,720 Now what I'm going to do, all right, is I'm going to pour this acid... 615 00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:59,360 Jesus, onto some nails?! 616 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:01,800 - ..into the nails, that's right. - Why? 617 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:04,440 And it...the zinc and the hydrochloric acid will react. 618 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,400 Has he been drinking? Has he been drinking? 619 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:07,840 Yeah. He's been drinking THAT. 620 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,760 Oh, there we go. And that's...that's going to produce quite a lot. 621 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:12,480 It's going towards me! 622 00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,640 It's blowing our way! It's blowing our way! 623 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:16,520 - I now have to put this cork in it. - Geez! 624 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,640 If I put the cork in it tight enough, 625 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:19,840 it will come out of here, 626 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,960 and I put this in here and it will bubble up. 627 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:24,520 Right, that's important. 628 00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:25,880 LAUGHTER 629 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:27,520 If you say so! 630 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,680 If it... The bubbles are made of hydrogen. 631 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,200 This is my contention, and the only way to prove it 632 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:35,560 is to grasp the bubbles... I'm going to wet my hand now, to be safer, 633 00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:37,800 - and grasp these bubbles... - What the hell is that?! 634 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:41,080 - I'm going to take the bubbles there. - It's like a sex cactus. 635 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:43,280 And I'm going to go... Oh, God! 636 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:45,560 SCREAMING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 637 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,840 Wow! Really exciting. 638 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,000 Pretty exciting! 639 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:52,160 We can try that again. 640 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,720 Oh, yeah! 641 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:55,240 Let's get even more bubbles. 642 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:56,400 That is great. 643 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,200 Stephen's goggles are so steamed up, he's completely blind! 644 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:00,920 Even more bubbles here. Here we go. 645 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,280 - He's blind as blind King John of Bohemia. - Here we go. 646 00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,000 Oh, come on... Oh work, lighter! 647 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,360 - Anyone got a light? - Oh, the lighter's stopped working. 648 00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:10,240 GASPING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 649 00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:13,400 Let's try it again, one more. 650 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,360 Wet your hand again, you didn't wet it. 651 00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:17,640 - You didn't wet the hand! - Come on. Bloody lighter! 652 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:19,160 Expelliarmus! 653 00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:20,640 Oh. 654 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:22,520 Phew. That actually hurt. 655 00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:25,840 - Wow! - I've made hydrogen, ladies and gentlemen. Wow! 656 00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:28,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 657 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:31,640 - How very exciting. - Pretty exciting! 658 00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:33,760 Let's cover that. 659 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:35,520 "PUT THE LID ON THE ACID!" 660 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:37,480 LAUGHTER 661 00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:53,880 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd