1 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,000 Gooooooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:42,120 good evening, good evening, good evening 3 00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:45,600 and welcome to an episode of QI that's all about inventions 4 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:49,520 and discoveries, in fact anything that's "just the job". 5 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:53,040 They say that the greatest of all inventors is accident. 6 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:57,120 With that in mind, let's meet the tremendously timely Jason Manford. 7 00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:00,440 APPLAUSE 8 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:04,480 The consistently coincidental Jeremy Clarkson. 9 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:08,120 APPLAUSE 10 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:11,720 The stupefyingly serendipitous Sandi Toksvig. 11 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:16,160 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:21,000 And an accident waiting to happen, Alan Davies. 13 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,160 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,720 So, let's hear your Alexander Graham Bells. 15 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,280 Jason goes... 16 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:33,040 OLD-FASHIONED PHONE RINGS 17 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:34,440 - It's all right. - Jeremy goes... 18 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:35,880 Is it going to be a car horn? 19 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,200 MODERN PHONE RINGS 20 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:39,400 - No. - Surprising. Sandi goes... 21 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:40,840 I want something trim. 22 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:42,680 ELECTRONIC PHONE RINGS 23 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:44,640 Good guess. And Alan goes... 24 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:48,720 MUSIC: "Ride Of The Valkyries" By Wagner 25 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:52,840 Oh. 26 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,520 Oh. 27 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,960 - I could listen to this for ever. - He loves this one. 28 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:00,680 It's a 14-and-a-half hour... 29 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,960 - Orgasm. - It's a Wagner ring tone. 30 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,200 Isn't that wonderful? I could listen to that for ever. 31 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:10,960 Anyway, so, let's begin with an interesting question. 32 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,240 What were chainsaws originally invented for? 33 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,200 Proctology. 34 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:23,560 - Wow! That's scary. - SANDI: Yeah, that's a... 35 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:26,440 - Slicing an arse in half. - Yeah. 36 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,440 - Well, do you know, you were in the right area. - SANDI: Really? 37 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,680 - I have to say. I mean... - Circumcision. 38 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:37,560 What I mean is, you began straight away with medicine. 39 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,520 You didn't say trees or, you know, cutting down, you know, buildings. 40 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,400 Oh, cutting off legs. So, like bones and... 41 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:43,720 Bones is the right answer. 42 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:46,680 Yes, in particular it was a rather unpleasant procedure. 43 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,560 Oh, don't, it'll be a boy thing against a girl thing. It will be. 44 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,160 - Well, not against, in order to... - Well, no, no, but it... 45 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,920 It was doctors trying to help. 46 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,000 Oh, I know what it is. I know what it is. 47 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:58,680 It'll be a boy thinking a woman's taking far too long over labour 48 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,840 going, "Oh, I can't stand all that panting, I know, 49 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,840 "we'll get a chainsaw and just cut that baby out." That's what it is. 50 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:07,600 Do you know, you're absolutely right. 51 00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:09,480 APPLAUSE 52 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:14,440 Oh, my God! 53 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:18,000 It was in...it was in 1783. 54 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,880 That's no excuse. 55 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:23,680 It was two Scots doctors called John Aitken and James Jeffrey, 56 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,880 and it was called a symphysiotomy and it was a procedure 57 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:31,000 to widen the pelvis if the baby's head was too large to pass through. 58 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:34,560 Oh, can you hear the high tone of all those sighs in the audience? 59 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,080 - What I like about this picture... - It's a bit eye-watering. 60 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,680 It's a ladies' ward, so of course there is some baking going on 61 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,960 on the left-hand side. Yes. 62 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,600 Oh, that's right, there is. 63 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:47,240 A little cake display case of buns in the oven, Stephen, 64 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,920 - you see what I did there. - Buns in the oven! 65 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,720 - They didn't really, darling? - I'm afraid they did. 66 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,120 When I say chainsaw, it was literally a chain, 67 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,920 - it was like a watch chain in fact. - Ah, right. - It was an up-and-down... 68 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,160 JASON: So it wasn't a full lumberjack giving it... 69 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:03,040 IMITATES CHAINSAW NOISE ..it's a boy! 70 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,560 They hadn't yet invented the internal combustion engine. 71 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:07,240 And Caesarean sections, they were... 72 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,280 - Caesarean sections have replaced the same idea, that the... - Phew. 73 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,320 Yes, quite, exactly. It's a bit of a relief. 74 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,960 It would have been easier to do the Caesarean section, I think. 75 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,440 Sawing the pelvic bone in half is not as easy as maybe just 76 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:20,240 - a small incision in... - I know, you would have thought they have... 77 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:21,800 Pop it out of the sunroof. 78 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:24,360 But this was before antiseptic surgery 79 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,880 and of course it was before any kind of anaesthetic. 80 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:29,240 Was there not a meeting? You know what I mean? 81 00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,840 There was not a meeting where someone goes, "I've got it." 82 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:35,000 And they go, "What?" And they go, "Chainsaw, innit?" 83 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:38,560 Well, they looked at a watch chain and they said, you know, if you can, 84 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:43,080 we could sort of ease away the bone like that, rather than using a saw. 85 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,640 I know, everyone's wincing. 86 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,560 Have we got another question that isn't about that? 87 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:50,720 Would it heal? Presumably not very well. 88 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:53,240 Well, they then went on to use the same thing, for example, 89 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:56,920 if someone had a bit of diseased bone, they would do the same thing, 90 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,920 they would sort of take it and they'd go up and down like that, 91 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:03,840 and then they'd do it lower down and the two bits would fuse together, 92 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,520 and they'd have a stiff arm, but it would get rid of the diseased bone. 93 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:08,960 It was called an osteotome. 94 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,960 It eventually became like a chainsaw, you can see one here. 95 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,880 - That is more like a chainsaw. - My God! You don't want that... 96 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,360 - But pretty unpleasant. - You don't want that coming at you. 97 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,320 You really don't. You really, really don't. 98 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,800 I remember my wife had a baby, I remember it well... 99 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:24,640 - I was going to say. - Yeah... - Kind of thing you wouldn't forget. 100 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,600 It was a grand day, but when she had a baby, 101 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:29,920 and there's a point where you go in to see the fella 102 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,440 - who's going to sort it out on the day. - Obstetrician? 103 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,920 That's him, yeah, he's got an official title. 104 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,760 And you go and see him, and as the husband, he says, 105 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,360 "Right, you sit there on a chair." 106 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,800 And then he pulls the curtain across 107 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,040 while him and your wife are in this thing, 108 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,320 while he has a little dabble, or whatever he's doing. 109 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:50,200 - It's a bit intimate, isn't it? - You go, "I've seen it, mate." 110 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,520 Do you know what I mean? There's nothing...this is why we're here. 111 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,320 Well, you don't look when that happens though, do you, 112 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,880 at the moment of conception? Do you actually have a look? 113 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,200 You're looking into... 114 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:05,760 Surely... Surely... Sorry. 115 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,040 I think I was watching... 116 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,640 Stephen doesn't need to know, Jason, he doesn't need to know. 117 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:12,960 Well, I thought you were gazing lovingly into her eyes while... 118 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,720 Gazing lovingly...gazing lovingly at the Bourne Identity, 119 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,320 which is still on the television. 120 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,360 - As you reach for your drink. - Oh, I'm... 121 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:27,000 What do you think, darling, that he's got a periscope at the moment of...? 122 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:28,480 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, look... 123 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,040 I don't know why you and I are having this conversation. 124 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,040 It's true. 125 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:36,520 APPLAUSE 126 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:41,720 After the invention of the internal combustion engine, 127 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:44,680 where we're getting Jeremy to his home territory now, 128 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,720 eventually by 1920 they were small enough 129 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:49,920 - to be able to have a hand-powered... chain. - Cut down trees. 130 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,080 - And then they cut down trees. Exactly. - Yes. 131 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:53,960 Well, anyway, there you are. 132 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,520 Chainsaws were originally invented for midwives. 133 00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:59,040 Staying in that general area, unfortunately, 134 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,280 explain how an electric jockstrap works. 135 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,560 Is there going to be a demonstration? 136 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,480 - Do you know, I kind of wish there were. - JASON: Is that what this is? 137 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:13,960 - No. - Argh, oh! That's what this is. 138 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,680 Is it a warming thing, or...? 139 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:19,360 An electric anything takes us into a period of time. 140 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,400 - Galvanism. It's Victorian, galvanism. - Galvan, exactly. 141 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:24,880 Everybody thought electricity would cure everything, 142 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,400 stimulate everything and achieve everything. 143 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:30,080 And so at the back of every newspaper there was an electrical 144 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:33,880 something, a galvanic bath, but these were electric jockstraps. 145 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,720 Well, presumably, because they had all sorts of things to stop boys 146 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,760 playing with themselves, it must have been... 147 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,520 That would stop you, wouldn't it? It would stop you, wouldn't it? 148 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,280 - If you had a shock in your pants. - No, I'm thinking it might be nice. 149 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:47,200 - Yes. - Oh, really? - You're spot on. We men know that. 150 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,760 Because there are certain code words in Victorian English. 151 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:55,880 "Nervous and general debility, lost vigour, decline, 152 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,440 "and the whole train of gloomy attendants," 153 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,960 was standard code for impotence. 154 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,480 Enter the Heidelberg electric belt. 155 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,760 There it is. 156 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,560 - It's a bit high up, isn't it? - Yes. 157 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:10,880 Oh, I see, so actually there's the thing down there. 158 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:14,440 That's really kind of buzzing away in the important area. 159 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:18,320 And that is actually going to cause you to, well, I'm afraid 160 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:22,800 the phrase is probably embarrassing, they advise "seminal economy". 161 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,720 - They're advising against... - Is that with easyJet? - Yeah. 162 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,560 They're advising against 163 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:33,040 "wantonly jettisoning too much nervous substance." 164 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,680 - Which basically... - Is that what they called it? 165 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:39,040 That's code for semen. In other words, it's essentially a sex toy. 166 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,040 - "Wantonly jettisoning." - It is... 167 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:44,560 Don't wantonly jettison your nervous substance. 168 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,040 I like the idea of nervous semen just coming out going... 169 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:49,440 "Woaaah." 170 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:51,240 SANDI: He's quite camp. 171 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,320 Perhaps he's having problems with his virility 172 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,920 - cos he's sleeping with the wrong sex. - Well, it might be that. 173 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:59,320 But there genuinely was an item, as you can see, hugely advertised, 174 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:00,800 there were lots of different... 175 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:05,280 So is it designed then to lift the dormant chap or to de-nervify 176 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,520 - the semen? - It's basically designed saying, 177 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:12,040 "Would you like to enjoy the experience of a little bit 178 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:15,080 "of a tingling down there that maybe has disappeared?" 179 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,480 But it probably was just like, 180 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,760 "That's a damn good thing to take to a hotel room." 181 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:21,040 - Why have they gone out of fashion? - I know. 182 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,440 Are these still for sale? 183 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,200 I feel like if Ann Summers did them, you could see, 184 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,960 not in the upstairs bit, the downstairs bit of Ann Summers... 185 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,880 Tell me about this, Jason, because I... 186 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,280 Upstairs is like, just like chocolate willies and that. 187 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,840 Downstairs...someone's going to get hurt, Stephen. 188 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,840 Really? I've never been in an Ann Summers. You'd think it would be 189 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,720 - the other way round, you'd have to go upstairs... - No, you come in 190 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:46,800 at ground floor level. I'm only going off our nearest 12 branches. 191 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,440 Yes, right. 192 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:51,760 But, yeah, that's the normal one. 193 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:54,920 And then you sort of pop downstairs, you know, anniversary, or whatever... 194 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,160 Good gracious. 195 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,800 But the other thing about that is you got ten days' free trial. 196 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,680 - Wow! - I don't know if you can see, but it's actually printed there. 197 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,000 What if you send it back and it goes to somebody else? 198 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,160 That's what I'm worried about with the free trial. 199 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:09,040 I know, exactly. You're using a used one. 200 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:12,120 It is going to get much more acceptable and decent, 201 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,160 this programme, I promise you, as we move on. 202 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,000 So anyway, unfortunately, we are staying in the nether regions. 203 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:20,080 Why would you want to wear your underpants inside-out? 204 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,280 And I'm not looking at you here, I have to say, Sandi. 205 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:24,800 This is a male question. 206 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,920 A cameraman I used to work with reckoned he could get five days 207 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,600 out of a single pair of underpants, 208 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,880 and I can't work out what the fifth is. 209 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,560 We know inside-out then back to front, 210 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,480 then back to front and inside-out covers all the important parts. 211 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,560 - But the fifth is a mystery. - He had a fifth day... 212 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,120 The fifth day, he wore them as a hat. 213 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,280 LAUGHTER 214 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:47,560 - Never quite understood it. - Look, he's got his glasses round his neck! 215 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,640 JASON: "I might do a bit of reading." 216 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,600 And a Martini! Yes, it's a very peculiar photograph. 217 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,160 I don't really understand it. 218 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,800 - But what sort of pants is he wearing? - Y-fronts. 219 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,840 Y-fronts, now, all Y-fronts are the same. 220 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:00,520 What is it about them that's the same? 221 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,320 Oh, is it because they've...one side? 222 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,840 - Yes, they're made for right-handed people. - The aperture. 223 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,000 So you might say, wear them inside-out 224 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:10,280 and then a left-handed person would be able to use that, 225 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,600 but the weird thing is, counter-intuitively, 226 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,280 and I have some Y-fronts for you... 227 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:17,120 - This may be your first time, Sandi! - I couldn't be more thrilled. 228 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,600 - Green for you. - Please don't pass me a pair of Y-fronts. 229 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:20,880 I'll take the pink one. 230 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,880 You'll take the pink one. 231 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:26,200 It's like Reservoir Dogs, isn't it? Go on, and you can be Mr Blue. 232 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:30,040 Now, you may say, "OK, so the right hand opens the flap there." 233 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,560 Turn them inside-out and it's still the right hand. 234 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,920 Show the audience. Those are inside-out. 235 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:39,760 And you would think, but they don't reverse in that sense. 236 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,440 They're magic pants! 237 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,920 - They're magic pants. - They're the same. 238 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,920 I'm actually left-handed, so... 239 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,640 You've got them on back to front. 240 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 241 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,480 No, it's there! Look, it's there, there's the bit. 242 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:56,920 That's not helped me at all! 243 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,040 You would think that turning them inside-out 244 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,280 would move the right to the left, but it doesn't. 245 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:05,200 And you'd have to have a really good topological brain 246 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,600 to map that in your head. 247 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:11,240 I have a photograph of David Walliams on my telephone 248 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:16,160 in a pair of underpants. He's got two Ys going on. 249 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,800 Oh! That's odd. 250 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:19,960 That explains a lot about David Walliams. 251 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,000 LAUGHTER 252 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:26,160 As an individual, he's certainly not none-too-wise. 253 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,640 Day Five. 254 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,520 LAUGHTER 255 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:33,240 - I didn't mention, Alan, that we had to collect... - Oh, don't! Stop it! 256 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:36,080 ..we had to collect these from the crew, because we didn't have any. 257 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:38,040 No, they are of course brand new and clean. 258 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:40,920 - They're rather good for a warm day. - They are. 259 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,640 That's why they were developed. And it started with the X-fronts, 260 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:47,680 which were in an X-shape. And they were reasonably successful. 261 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,480 And then, a man in America called Arthur Kneibler 262 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,040 came up with Y-fronts, or jockey shorts. 263 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,560 And it just took off enormously. 264 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,880 AMERICAN ACCENT: Jockey shawts! Jockeys! 265 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:59,960 - And they were an instant... - Jockey shawts! 266 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,760 "I'm turning my jockey shawts inside-out. 267 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,400 "But I still can't find my cock!" 268 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,560 LAUGHTER 269 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:10,400 Oh, dear. This really has probably begun 270 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,360 about as low as any programme we've ever done. 271 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,720 - It's going to rise, I promise you. - It's going to rise?! 272 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 273 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,800 I swear, Stephen, it's a gift. 274 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:29,280 Your abilities for innuendo astound me every year! 275 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:32,480 I don't mean to, I know, I just have to whip it out 276 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,840 and stick a red pencil through it. 277 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,400 - Anyway... - I feel I've inadvertently arrived on a boys' night. 278 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:43,560 And now we come to our Dubious Theory, ladies and gentlemen. 279 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:46,600 - WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS - 'A Dubious Theory from Stephen Fry.' 280 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,120 Yes. People who believe in "urotherapy" 281 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:52,560 claim that drinking your own urine can cure everything 282 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,520 from cancer to the common cold, 283 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:58,840 not to mention boosting your libido and generally pepping you up. 284 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,240 Others say, "That's a load of old widdle." 285 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,600 Look it up on "drinkmyurine.co.uk," 286 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,800 and decide for yourself. 287 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:10,840 WHIMSICAL MUSIC 'A Dubious Theory from Stephen Fry.' 288 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,080 This is Hayley Mills' website, is it? 289 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,400 - Not Hayley Mills. - Sarah, wasn't it Sarah...? 290 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,880 - Sarah...? - Is it Miles? - Miles. 291 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:21,040 Sarah Miles is what I meant, not Hayley Mills! 292 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,560 Yeah, Sarah Miles, the actress, is a urinobibe. 293 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,520 She drinks her own urine. 294 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,840 What's the reason that it might make you better? Surely it's full of... 295 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:32,600 Let me give you the theory of a woman called Martha Christy. 296 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:35,080 She wrote, "Your own perfect medicine. 297 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:37,720 "The very first toilet visit of the day," 298 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,880 she says, "..is the most beneficial." 299 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,320 She recommends starting 300 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:45,000 "with five drops of fresh morning urine under the tongue." 301 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:46,040 Urgh! 302 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:48,640 "Before gradually increasing the dosage 303 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,040 "to as much as a cupful morning and night." 304 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:54,400 Give over! Five drops, that's remarkable control! 305 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,840 LAUGHTER 306 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,160 I think the idea is to take a pipette. 307 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:02,880 A pipette! And put it in...? 308 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,120 Urgh! 309 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:07,480 No, not in your, no! You pee into a bowl or something, 310 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,360 - and then, I don't know. - A bowl. 311 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:13,080 "Your first toilet visit of the day," she likes to call it. 312 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:18,160 But Victorian women used to take warm boys' urine for freckles. 313 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:22,280 - Really? - It was thought to be, if you applied it to your face... 314 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,840 - It would give you freckles or take them away? - Take them away. 315 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,200 JASON: It's a wonder why...! 316 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,200 You may have noticed I have a completely freckle-free complexion. 317 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:33,280 - It's a wonder why we're still here sometimes. - It is, isn't it? 318 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,760 You read stuff, you think, 319 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:38,400 "Victorian women pissing on their own faces for freckles!" 320 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:42,760 SANDI: No, they didn't wee on their own faces, they got a boy to do it! 321 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,960 You'd have to be a contortionist to wee on your own face! 322 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,880 You really would, wouldn't you? 323 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,760 I'd have thought a headstand would probably do it, wouldn't it? 324 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,160 LAUGHTER 325 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,600 Gravity would take its course. 326 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:59,280 I get sent very odd things by members of the public. Thank you. 327 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:04,240 Erm, and, er, I got sent a thing to stand up weeing. And I thought... 328 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,480 - Oh, a funnel? - JASON: Oh, the She-Pee? 329 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:09,240 - It's the most marvellous thing. - It's Japanese, isn't it? 330 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:12,960 Oh, darling, I piss in all sorts of places now. I get out of the car, 331 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:18,080 I can't be bothered to pop into the service station, on the back wheel! 332 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,360 It is mostly for driving, I thought, the She-Wee. 333 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,960 Driving under the influence of the need for a wee 334 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,720 is the most dangerous thing a human being can do. 335 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:30,400 I have reached 170 miles an hour. 336 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,480 Disabled parking spaces outside motorway service stations, 337 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:37,760 they're mine, because I am disabled by the need...you are just...! 338 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,760 You become consumed with...! 339 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:44,760 JASON: I had a wee in a water bottle once, driving about 100 mile an hour, 340 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:48,720 - and, er... - But then it won't stop. - Well, I failed my driving test. 341 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,120 LAUGHTER AND CHEERING 342 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,760 Peeing in a bottle in a car when you realise 343 00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,040 there's more than will fit in the bottle. 344 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:02,760 - Oh, that's the worst... - "No, no, no! What am I going to do now?! 345 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:06,080 "I can't empty it out of the window, you can't pinch it off!" 346 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,560 Just have a little sip! 347 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,520 LAUGHTER 348 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,400 Well, I feel better! 349 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:15,400 A coach full of schoolchildren just moves alongside, 350 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:19,240 they look down on you and you're going, "A-a-agh!" 351 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:23,240 What you need is a straw, see? Take it out as it goes in. 352 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:27,440 - Straight back in again. - And it'll cure your cancer as well. 353 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:28,720 And your freckles. 354 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,880 Do you know of any other urinobibes? 355 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:33,640 - SANDI: Er, no I don't. - JD Salinger, apparently. 356 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:37,440 And of course, Jennifer Saunders, not Jennifer Saunders herself, 357 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,680 but her character, Eddie Monsoon in Ab Fab. 358 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:43,600 "It's urine therapy, darling. It's not to be sniffed at," as she says. 359 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,960 The prime minister, Morarji Desai, of India, he was a urinobibe. 360 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,360 He was elected when he was 80 years old, 361 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,120 so it obviously didn't do any harm. 362 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,560 Helen Andrews of the British Dietetic Association says, 363 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,360 "There are no health benefits. In fact, it could be detrimental. 364 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:59,040 "Each time you put it back, it'll come out more concentrated." 365 00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:00,400 And that's not good for health. 366 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,680 That first toilet visit in the morning, 367 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,800 sometimes you don't want to be in the same room as that! 368 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,280 Never mind putting it under your tongue! 369 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,720 Imagine if you've had asparagus the night before. 370 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:14,360 JASON: But sometimes it's got that Sugar Puff smell, hasn't it? 371 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,800 You know, on that day you might go, "All right, I'll risk it." 372 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,800 Anyway, that's probably enough about pee. 373 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:25,920 So, what was your great-grandmother doing down the back of the sofa? 374 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,200 Was she, was she a Borrower? 375 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,320 Was she a Borrower? No, she wasn't a Borrower. 376 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,200 I come from a particularly small family, 377 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,240 and we lost many, in various pieces of furniture. 378 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:40,520 I had an aunt went through a cane chair, we never saw her again. 379 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,840 JASON: Was she dead and been cremated and you spilt it? 380 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,560 What was happening around the time of one's great-grandmother, 381 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:49,680 - what sort of...? - They were using the elderly to stuff sofas. 382 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:55,840 About a hundred years ago families began to do a thing in order to 383 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:59,480 register their lives and formalise their existences, after weddings. 384 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,840 - Photographs. - Photographs, exactly. - So Victorian... 385 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:03,240 And particularly their babies, 386 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,280 they liked to have their babies photographed, 387 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:08,800 but exposure times were quite long and how do you keep a baby still? 388 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:12,320 - Oh, I've seen this! This is this weird thing. - Heroin. 389 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,080 There's loads of pictures of them. 390 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,080 - They've got like sheets over their head. - Yes. 391 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,480 - And they're sort of holding the child in place. - Exactly. 392 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,800 They're called "hidden mother photographs". 393 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,040 - They're terrifying, there's a website of them. - Yes. 394 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,080 - And they're terrifying, yeah. Look at that. - Look, there's one. - Oh, wow! 395 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,360 - That's horrible! - It's like a woman in a burqa. 396 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,040 Yes. It's horrible. Extraordinary. 397 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:33,480 There's the mother pretending to be a sofa or an item of furniture, 398 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,760 keeping her baby quiet and still enough 399 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,560 for the exposure time of the photograph. 400 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,360 We've got another one where the mother looks a bit like a carpet. 401 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,240 I mean it's really. There... 402 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,960 - That's not even a baby! - I know, it's a young girl. 403 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,360 - There is a whole class of these. - Yeah. 404 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,480 "Don't move, you bitch, don't move." 405 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,880 And you, Jason, definitely get the points there 406 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:59,520 - for having known about them. - It's terrifying. - They are rather peculiar. 407 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,360 It's brilliant though, there's hundreds 408 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,960 and they're all sinister, like, rather than just let the kid 409 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:08,400 - stand by itself, you've gone, "Go and stand with that ghost." - Yes. 410 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,200 - It's weird. - Well, the mother will be talking to the child, 411 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:14,120 saying, "It's all right, darling, sit still, I'm going to hold you." 412 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,200 The chair's talking! 413 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,120 "I am a sofa, ha-ha-ha!" 414 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,280 I'm afraid there's an even more macabre class of photograph. 415 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:25,840 Obviously, back in those days, infant mortality was very high 416 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,240 and families decided that it would be a good idea 417 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:31,320 to have a photograph of their dead child. And so they would be 418 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:34,600 as if asleep. We're not going to show them to you, 419 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,440 but there are lots of photographs of dead babies 420 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,880 made to look as if they're asleep. 421 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,240 - The Victorians were weird! - They were. 422 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:45,040 "I want to put a picture of my dead child on my mantelpiece. 423 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,880 "Then I'm going to drink some urine 424 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:50,600 "and pop my penis into this electrical thing." 425 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,840 Come to think of it, we beat ourselves up 426 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,480 for being a sort of morally corrupt generation. 427 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,160 SANDI: They used to take the hair of dead people 428 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:01,160 - and turn it into jewellery, didn't they? - Yes, they certainly did. 429 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:05,040 There was certainly a melancholy, macabre obsession with death. 430 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,360 Maybe it's not so much an obsession with death. 431 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,080 It's just that death was more present in people's lives. 432 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,480 You're quite right. We are probably amongst 433 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,120 the first generations of human beings ever, 434 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,840 most of whom have never seen a dead human body. 435 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,480 As it happens, I went to the body farm in Tennessee, 436 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,920 where I suddenly saw 200, never having seen a single one. 437 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,480 - SANDI: Sorry, the body farm? - It's called the body farm, yes. 438 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,960 Wow, we have the Body Shop, it's not quite the same thing. 439 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:32,080 No, it's forensic pathology, and they take bodies who volunteer, 440 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,320 and they're burnt and hidden in the trunks of cars. 441 00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,600 - It's a study of decomposition. - They decompose. 442 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:39,000 A lot of murderers have been brought to book because of it, 443 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,600 because you've been able to prove they've been dead that long. 444 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,680 - SANDI: Where is this place? - In Tennessee. 445 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,160 You have the best holidays, honestly. 446 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:49,200 Did you hear about the auctioneer summoned to the big Scottish castle? 447 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,360 This is not a joke, by the way. But he was summoned 448 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,600 to a big Scottish castle, the lord had just died 449 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,400 and the family were selling off all the contents. 450 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,880 And he was looking around trying to find this hat stand, 451 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,600 and then finally he came across it and it was a German soldier. 452 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:03,200 And what had happened was that 453 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,320 the lord, or his ancestors, had been in the First World War 454 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:08,440 with his batman, who it was always supposed 455 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:10,600 - was a little more than his batman... - Right. 456 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,600 ..who had looked over the trench and was shot by the Germans 457 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,840 on the other side, and this enraged the Scottish chap so much, 458 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:20,600 he ran across No-Man's Land, killed the German, 459 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,160 dragged him back to the British trenches, 460 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,200 sent him home with instructions 461 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:28,680 he be stuffed and used as a hat stand for the rest of time. 462 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:31,520 Only 80 years had elapsed, so it was as though, 463 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,920 his ancestors would still be around in Germany and they would... 464 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:36,840 and they had to go find them and say, 465 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:40,640 "Oh, did he have a dignified death?" "Not really, no." 466 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,680 LAUGHTER 467 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,920 - JASON: Umbrella in his mouth. - He's stood since 1917 468 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,440 in the hall of a Scottish castle, a stuffed German soldier. 469 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,600 That's not a bad idea when you die, 470 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:54,800 just to say, "Right, I'll be a hat stand now." 471 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:56,640 I'd do that, stand around the house. 472 00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:00,200 SANDI: You could get a job in a photographer's, holding babies. 473 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:03,040 LAUGHTER 474 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,480 We have for you probably the first ever photograph of a human being, 475 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,160 which is rather exciting. 476 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,200 It's from the 1840s and it's by Louis Daguerre himself. 477 00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:14,200 He took a photograph, in those days very long exposure, 478 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:17,160 and all the people who were there would have moved through as a blur, 479 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,120 you wouldn't have seen, but there is a boot boy 480 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:22,320 with a customer with his leg up as it were, and you can see that 481 00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:25,160 and we can probably circle it for you and give it a little bit of a... 482 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:26,800 And that is the first human being, 483 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,120 or pair of human beings, ever photographed. 484 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:32,280 - It's rather wonderful, isn't it? - How long's he take doing them shoes then? 485 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:33,880 Yeah, I know. It's surprising. 486 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,160 - It was a ten-minute exposure, in fact. - Oh, OK. 487 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,720 That's not too bad then. 488 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:40,760 - It was in 1838, that's how long ago it was. - Wow. 489 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,120 And we have a photograph for you and you have to identify 490 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:47,200 who the person is in the photograph, which... Who's that? 491 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:48,760 Is that Bruce Forsyth? 492 00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:52,760 - It's not Bruce Forsyth, no. - SANDI: In the early years. 493 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:53,880 It's quite surprising, 494 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,640 it's someone you would not imagine there would be a photograph of. 495 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,880 - OK. Can you give us a country? - He's British. 496 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,000 He was Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. 497 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:02,440 Oh, Prime Minister of Britain. 498 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:05,360 But he was from an Irish family. Actually the Duke of Wellington. 499 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,480 - Wow! Duke of Wellington. - Yeah. The victor of Waterloo. 500 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:13,080 As an old man. He looks surprisingly benign, considering his reputation. 501 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:15,840 - But isn't it amazing there is a photograph of him? - I had no idea. 502 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,320 - Yeah. It's rather fabulous. - That's a great picture. 503 00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:20,680 - It is actually a lovely picture, isn't it? - It is, yeah. 504 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,680 Anyway, let's move onto something very, very different. 505 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:27,160 Name something interesting you can do with a Slinky. 506 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:30,160 - Well, it's a... - Well, you can't untangle it. 507 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:32,720 That's certainly... Oh, God, I got through so many as a child. 508 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:34,920 - They're the most, it is the most... - Wasn't it? Oh. 509 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:38,280 You go to the top of the stairs, and go, "Look at this, it's, oh, no!" 510 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:41,040 - And then that would be it, and your toy. - We've given you some stairs, 511 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,680 you can take your stairs and your Slinky out and demonstrate. 512 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,800 - Oh, wow. - There may be young people in the audience 513 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:48,440 - who've never had the excitement. - You're going to love this. 514 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:51,520 - You can attach it to your... - This is, I'm going back, look at that! 515 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:53,200 Yeah! 516 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:55,480 - Isn't that fun? - They're the best things. 517 00:24:56,600 --> 00:25:00,640 Oh, dear, you may have pointed it in the wrong direction. 518 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,760 - I'm literally the happiest man in the world. - Brilliant. 519 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:05,320 Hey! That was a beauty. 520 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:08,240 But he invented this out of, he was a suspension designer, wasn't he? 521 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:10,800 He was a naval officer, his name is Richard James. 522 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:12,320 And it was in 194... 523 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:23,120 It's called the Alan Effect. 524 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:27,760 No! You don't do it like that. 525 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:30,240 You lift the top. 526 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:33,360 Somebody go and get him a Raleigh trike. 527 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,240 How can you not work a Slinky?! 528 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:37,840 How can you not do that? 529 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,320 Yeah! 530 00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:41,240 APPLAUSE 531 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,640 Can you imagine giving this to a child now and going, 532 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:51,080 "That's it, that's your gift. Have a toy, happy Christmas." 533 00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:54,000 JASON: Whatever you do, don't attach it to your electric jockstrap. 534 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:57,200 - No, absolutely. - Didn't he invent it by accident? - Yes. 535 00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:59,280 He was making coiled springs and he invented... 536 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,920 He was an American naval officer and he literally knocked over 537 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,040 a spring, and it went for a walk, and he thought, 538 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:07,160 "Oh, that's interesting." And so he developed and he experimented 539 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:10,120 - and he came up with the Slinky. And more than... - Look, to be fair, 540 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,120 - it was his wife who thought it would make a good toy. - Yes, it's true. 541 00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:16,960 Let us remember that sometimes women get overlooked in these things. 542 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:20,880 More than 300 million were sold, which is an incredible number. 543 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,000 All to me, because I kept breaking them. 544 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:26,240 Yeah, I know, because they tangle up. Now if you'll put them away... 545 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,200 Do you mind if I keep the stairs? 546 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:31,120 Because there's a few shelves in the kitchen that I still can't reach. 547 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:32,560 You're very welcome. 548 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:38,640 But what we do have is a very extraordinary effect that happens 549 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,480 if you drop a Slinky, which is that when you let go of it, 550 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,520 the bottom does not move. 551 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:47,080 Watch the film and you'll see what I mean. 552 00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:49,640 It's actually really astonishing. 553 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,480 It's a very peculiar effect. 554 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:54,600 Watch the bottom of the Slinky, as it actually happens, 555 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,080 in very high speed camera. 556 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,880 - The bottom is completely still. Isn't that amazing? - Oh, wow. 557 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:02,960 - Wow! - That is a really bizarre effect. 558 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,320 And they can't really explain quite why that happens. 559 00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:07,280 Oh, I bet James May could. 560 00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:09,440 LAUGHTER 561 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:11,400 APPLAUSE 562 00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:17,360 "No, no, you see, the thing is..." Oh, God! 563 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:18,920 Is there a use for this discovery? 564 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,040 Maybe Jason's idea of crossing it with 565 00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,400 the Heidelberg electric jockstrap 566 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:26,080 may result in a really quite remarkable experience. 567 00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:29,320 - You'll see me on the next series of Dragons' Den. - Yeah. 568 00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:32,120 "I have jettisoned wantonly, but it hasn't hit the floor." 569 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:38,480 It is a great phrase, wantonly to jettison, isn't it? 570 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,480 It really is marvellous. Anyway. 571 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:43,120 Now, we've got more toys to play with, so put the Slinky away. 572 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:45,920 I'm going to ask you, basically this simple question - 573 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:49,120 - why are jerries better than flimsies? - Jerry? 574 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:52,480 - When we say a jerry, there are jerries, jerry...? - Jerry cans. 575 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,680 Jerry cans. Jerry cans. 576 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:57,480 - And what were jerry cans? - Well, it's for petrol. 577 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,960 - It's a thing that was used in the war, wasn't it? - By whom? 578 00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:01,640 Well, presumably by the Germans. 579 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,920 That's... We eventually used them, but firstly by the Germans. 580 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,600 And we had something else called the flimsy. 581 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:11,720 And unfortunately, the flimsy was absolutely cack. 582 00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:13,400 But didn't the name give it away? 583 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:15,480 We only won the war by nicking all their ideas. 584 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:18,160 Yeah. On the left is a jerry can. 585 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,560 And there on the right is a flimsy. 586 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,880 And General Auchinleck, who was the predecessor of Montgomery 587 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:27,280 in the Eighth Army, actually said this about the flimsy. He said, 588 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,080 "The flimsy is an ill-constructed container for carrying fuel," 589 00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:33,360 he said, "leaked 30% of its fuel between base 590 00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:36,360 "and consumer, with huge consequences in lost lives, 591 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:37,840 "battles and shipping." 592 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:40,000 So British soldiers basically spent their life 593 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:41,680 trying to steal the jerry can. 594 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,080 To the extent the Germans started booby-trapping them, 595 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,280 cos they knew that the British wanted to steal them, 596 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:48,640 cos they were the most desirable object, the jerry can. 597 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:49,920 I have two of them for you. 598 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:53,520 They are absolutely astonishing, incredible inventions. 599 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:56,080 Basically they're a single weld, like this. 600 00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:58,640 They have this fabulous cap, they have an inner lining, 601 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:01,640 which means they can carry water or petrol. 602 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:05,000 This thing opens and what's called a "donkey dick" comes out. 603 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:07,960 - It was nicknamed the donkey dick. But rather cleverly... - So similar. 604 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,080 It's been a hell of a show for me, I tell you. 605 00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:13,920 But even, I mean they have this little indentation here. 606 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,480 - What do you think that does? - Strength. - It strengthens it, 607 00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:19,880 - but also in heat, it... - It allows it to expand. - It allows it to expand. 608 00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:24,920 And the handles are absolute genius, because if you have two empty ones, 609 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:28,240 you can hold them together using the handles. 610 00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:31,600 - One here... I'm going to stand up like so... - Standing. 611 00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:33,920 So you simply hold them like that, using that, but also, 612 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:36,880 when you're holding it, you hand it to someone else, there's a handle. 613 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:39,200 - You simply take it, like that. - Oh, I see. - And they are... 614 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:42,160 Getting the donkey's dick out now, sir. 615 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:46,080 You won't be able to, it's really, really stiff. 616 00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:47,760 APPLAUSE 617 00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:49,200 God! 618 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,200 It's amazing! It's a real talent. 619 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:54,960 - I'm so sorry. How do I do it? - I don't know how you do it. 620 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:56,080 It's amazing. I love it. 621 00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:59,080 But that is genuinely one of the most brilliant designs ever made. 622 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:02,040 - It's never been improved. - But they still lost. - They still did lose. 623 00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:04,520 One of the reasons they lost is that by the end of the war, 624 00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:08,320 we produced 21 million of the jerry cans, and I will quote 625 00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:11,800 President Roosevelt, who said, "Without these cans, it would 626 00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:16,360 "have been impossible for our armies to cut their way across France 627 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:20,600 "at a lightning pace which exceeded even the German blitzkrieg of 1940." 628 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:24,880 So basically we won the war by stealing the Germans' jerry can, 629 00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:27,080 because the movement of vehicles 630 00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:29,800 and therefore of petrol, is absolutely essential in war. 631 00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:32,600 - So is that where the word, so the word flimsy has come from that? - No. 632 00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:34,000 - No. Flimsy existed as a word. - OK. 633 00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:36,520 They were called flimsies because they were just so shite. 634 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:37,760 Oh, I see, right. 635 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:40,400 They were just square metal boxes that rotted and leaked 636 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:41,840 - and were useless. - OK. 637 00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:44,880 And these designs were, I mean almost every aspect of them... 638 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:48,080 and not only that, they floated, which the British ones didn't do. 639 00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:50,600 So the Germans could drop them at sea or in rivers, 640 00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:52,640 I mean, they were kind of the iPod of the day, 641 00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:55,040 they were just the most perfect design imaginable. 642 00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:59,520 Anyway, can you name an everyday object that was invented in a jail? 643 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:03,760 - Not a glider. - You don't really use a glider every day, do you? 644 00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:06,080 - Oh, you use one every day? - Yes, that's the point. 645 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:07,440 You're told to use it every day. 646 00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:09,560 - Toothbrush. - Yes! Is the right answer. 647 00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:12,600 I will be very impressed if you get the name of the man who invented it. 648 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:14,160 Mr Toothbrush. 649 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,960 - No, because... - Mr Oral B. 650 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:19,040 - Toothbrushes...! - LAUGHTER 651 00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:20,760 - You're on the right lines. - Mr Wisdom. 652 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:23,480 - There are still toothbrushes... - Gibbs. - ..under this name. 653 00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:27,280 - Addis. - Yes, Addis! Addis is the right answer. 654 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:31,600 - He was in prison? - He was in prison, it goes all the way back to 1780. 655 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:35,360 He was in prison for rioting, and he was expected to clean his teeth 656 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:39,080 using a piece of rag and some soot scraped off the back of a chimney. 657 00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:41,960 So he decided a scaled down broom would be better. 658 00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:44,080 So he got some pieces of bone from the food 659 00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:46,120 and he drilled little holes in it 660 00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:48,600 and managed to blag some horse hair off a warder 661 00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:50,720 and made a toothbrush. And then... 662 00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:52,080 You open the door and go, 663 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:55,280 "Warder, you haven't got any horse hair, have you?" 664 00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:56,600 In those days, those prisons, 665 00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:59,040 you were allowed to have your own money in prison and so on. 666 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:02,960 They often had horses working as warders. Ah. 667 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,120 "Do you have any horse hair?" HE SNORTS 668 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:07,160 There is that possibility. 669 00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:09,600 On his release, he decided to market it, 670 00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:12,120 it coincided with the arrival of sugar from the West Indies 671 00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:14,680 and the rise of tooth decay and was a gigantic success. 672 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,480 And to this very day, toothbrushes are marketed 673 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:19,640 under the name of Addis, as you know. 674 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,360 SANDI: There's a connection between toothbrushes and prison, 675 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,200 because the great Dame Ethel Smyth, the wonderful composer... 676 00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:28,320 - Who wrote... - ..who wrote The March of the Women for the suffragettes, 677 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:31,920 she was arrested, also for rioting, and she was taken to Holloway Prison. 678 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:35,000 And in order to support her, all the suffragettes came 679 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,720 and stood below her window and sang The March of the Women. 680 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:40,240 And she leant out and conducted with her toothbrush. 681 00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:43,800 Oh, there you are. That is a very good connection. I like that. 682 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:45,840 APPLAUSE 683 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:50,360 What's the least promising invention in history? 684 00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:52,920 Something that people thought wasn't going to be a success? 685 00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:56,000 Yeah, least welcomed and then turned out to be most successful. 686 00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:58,160 It wasn't the energy-saving light bulb? 687 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:00,520 Because that's one, that's an invention that for me... 688 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,800 - Yeah, but that's been forced upon us, hasn't it? - Yes. 689 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:04,120 And it's the worst invention. 690 00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:07,440 - "I need this room to be light in about an hour." - Yeah. 691 00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:10,360 I leave them on 24 hours a day so that I can read a book 692 00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:11,600 when I go to bed at night. 693 00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:14,080 This was invented by a man called Sylvan Goldberg, 694 00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:15,960 but you wouldn't think of it as an invention 695 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:18,640 and yet I suppose it is, and it's the shopping trolley. 696 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:21,440 And men thought it was effeminate to walk around a shop 697 00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:23,760 pushing a trolley, and women thought it was an insult 698 00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:25,400 to their ability to carry a basket. 699 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:28,280 "Perfectly capable of carrying baskets, I don't need you to do it." 700 00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:30,840 So he invented it in 1938, and for two years 701 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:34,320 he paid people basically just to wander round supermarkets. 702 00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:37,600 Or the early shops wheeling them, so people got used to the sight of it. 703 00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:40,200 - And then he died in 1984. - Did he pay them to wear those clothes? 704 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,080 Someone must have paid her to wear that outfit. 705 00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:46,920 Sylvan Goldberg died in 1984 worth 400 million. 706 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:49,480 - That's a lot of pound coins. - So, he kept the...yes. 707 00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:53,600 - Very good. - It's a lot of clogged canals, is what it is. 708 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:56,760 It's a lot of clogged canals as well, yes. So it did work. 709 00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:58,400 Another example was bubble gum, 710 00:33:58,440 --> 00:34:01,400 which was invented by a man called Frank Fleer in 1906. 711 00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:03,160 He called it "Blibber-Blubber." 712 00:34:03,200 --> 00:34:06,200 But unfortunately, his particular recipe meant that once 713 00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:10,000 the bubble had burst, you had to use turpentine to get it off. 714 00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,240 - Which is in itself toxic anyway. - JASON: That's brilliant. 715 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:16,880 So if you've ever got any form of gum, particularly nicotine gum... 716 00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:20,120 - In your hair? - No, on the screen of an iPhone. - Oh, no. Is that...? 717 00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:23,000 That's what I want an invention for, I've just decided. 718 00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:25,000 If you get the gum on the front of an iPhone, 719 00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:27,520 there is no way of removing it. Hammer, chisel. 720 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:29,480 There must be an app. 721 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:34,480 APPLAUSE 722 00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:38,520 - The nicotine gum removal app. - Very good. Very good. 723 00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:41,040 And I think Sandi will approve of this as well, 724 00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:43,320 we ought to hear it for Mary Anderson. 1903. 725 00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:45,720 - Ah, Mary Anderson. - Do you know about Mary Anderson? - I do. 726 00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:48,040 - Tell me about her. - She invented the windscreen wiper. 727 00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:49,960 You're absolutely, you are a fountain of... 728 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:52,360 Well, what I love about that is that it had to be a woman 729 00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:55,080 who invented the windscreen wiper, because up until then 730 00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:58,360 men had been going, "Don't be silly, dear, I can see perfectly well." 731 00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:00,400 So, of course it was a woman who invented it. 732 00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:02,560 Unfortunately, yes, she noticed tram drivers, 733 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,480 street car drivers, having to stop and move snow away 734 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:07,200 and she invented it in 1903, 735 00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:09,520 and really there just weren't enough cars. 736 00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:13,120 And by the time it was useful, her patent had elapsed, 737 00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,040 - so she made not a cent from it. - Oh. 738 00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:17,960 It's the same as Dorothy Levitt, who invented the rear-view mirror. 739 00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:21,200 So women enabled you to see where you were going and where you'd been. 740 00:35:21,240 --> 00:35:24,920 Oh, they did it to do their lipstick, come on. 741 00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:28,360 Dorothy Levitt recommended that you take your compact mirror 742 00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:30,840 and place it on the dash so that you could see behind you, 743 00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:33,240 and she was the person who invented the rear-view mirror. 744 00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:35,160 But again, she didn't make any money out of it, 745 00:35:35,200 --> 00:35:37,160 because there was no patent available for it. 746 00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:40,120 - I'm very impressed you knew about Mary Anderson. - Thank you very much. 747 00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:42,160 And we should indeed pay due courtesy to her. 748 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:45,160 Anyway, you know how they used to have men with red flags 749 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:46,600 walking in front of cars? 750 00:35:46,640 --> 00:35:49,240 - Well, yes. - Yes? - I've heard of such a thing. 751 00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:52,240 - KLAXON BLARES - Oh! 752 00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:54,000 LAUGHTER 753 00:35:54,040 --> 00:35:56,600 - JASON: What a trick. - Because they never did. 754 00:35:56,640 --> 00:36:01,480 No, they had a Red Flag Act, which was a little bit earlier. 755 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,800 And it meant, if you were in a steam... 756 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,640 See, he tricks you now. It doesn't feel like it's a question. 757 00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:08,640 It feels like it's in the conversation. 758 00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:12,240 It was a trap, it was a wicked trap, I'm very ashamed of myself. 759 00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:13,880 So nobody ever had to follow a car? 760 00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:15,880 I've seen a drawing of somebody doing it. 761 00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:18,000 I know drawings aren't necessarily real. 762 00:36:18,040 --> 00:36:20,040 I saw a drawing of a unicorn once. 763 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:24,000 The Red Flag Act of 1865 764 00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:27,600 required men known as "stalkers" to walk 60 yards in front of a vehicle. 765 00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:30,360 - 60 yards?! - Yes, carrying a red flag. 766 00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:33,200 That's miles in front! "It's back there, it's coming." 767 00:36:33,240 --> 00:36:35,400 - It lasted till 1878. - Any minute now. 768 00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:39,120 So it was only relevant to traction engines and steam buses. 769 00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:42,600 From 1878 to 1896 the flag was optional, 770 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:44,120 and in 1896 it was abolished. 771 00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:46,600 By then there were no more than 80 cars in the UK. 772 00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:48,520 So there was never a time when cars 773 00:36:48,560 --> 00:36:51,240 were preceded by red flags in the UK. 774 00:36:51,280 --> 00:36:54,360 There was never a time, yeah. But talking of useless inventions, 775 00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:57,320 What about the dry-ear ear dryer? 776 00:36:57,360 --> 00:37:00,360 It's a machine to dry your ears. OK. 777 00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:04,720 "Drying your ears has never been simpler or more effective, 778 00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:08,160 "the device blows hot air into your ear." 779 00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:12,960 Although the instructions advise you to dry your ears first with a towel. 780 00:37:14,720 --> 00:37:17,520 - Is this contemporary, this is modern? - Yes, it's a real invention. 781 00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:20,200 - All you need is a tube, don't you? - But it's modern? - Modern, yeah. 782 00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:22,680 - You just need a tube. - Yeah. Or a hairdryer would do the job. 783 00:37:22,720 --> 00:37:25,200 You don't even need that, Stephen, you just need a tube. 784 00:37:25,240 --> 00:37:27,880 - But most people have hairdryers. - Yeah, but a tube, just a tube! 785 00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:30,200 A tube would do it. I know, you're right. 786 00:37:30,240 --> 00:37:33,360 JASON: Have you ever invented something that's already invented? 787 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:36,600 I've done that a few times. I invented the bike once. 788 00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:39,760 And, erm, yeah, I saw someone on a unicycle and genuinely went, 789 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:42,280 "That'd be brilliant with two wheels." 790 00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:45,600 I also invented glasses as well when I was at school. 791 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:48,800 - Really? - Yeah, I was doing some geography and so I had the map out. 792 00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:51,800 I had a ruler and a pencil and I had to have a magnifying glass, 793 00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:54,680 and I couldn't do all three at the same time. I was thinking, 794 00:37:54,720 --> 00:37:57,160 "What'd be really good is some sort of magnifying device, 795 00:37:57,200 --> 00:37:58,760 "but attached to your face." 796 00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:04,320 It was a genuine "Eureka" moment, and I thought, "Oh, no, that's glasses." 797 00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:08,600 Anyway, here's a marvellous question, 798 00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:11,960 what was wrong with the first sound recording device? 799 00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:14,120 Didn't work? Didn't have any speakers? 800 00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:16,720 Well, it was that it recorded sound perfectly well... 801 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:18,800 - But you couldn't play it back. - Yes. - Play it back. 802 00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:21,080 You couldn't play it back. A man called Martinville, 803 00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:22,360 he was a Frenchman, 804 00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:25,520 he used burnt soot and it registered sound waves on it. 805 00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:27,520 But they sort of scratched it out, didn't they? 806 00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:30,280 But recently it was reverse engineered and engineers 807 00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:34,200 managed to get the sound back of him singing Au Clair de la Lune. 808 00:38:34,240 --> 00:38:36,720 Is that the thing they played on Radio 4 and Charlotte Green 809 00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:39,720 - cried with laughter, was it? - Would you like to hear that moment? 810 00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:41,720 It was one of my favourite moments of all time. 811 00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:44,160 Unfortunately, she had to announce the death of Abby Mann 812 00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:46,160 and she couldn't help corpsing, bless her. 813 00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:49,560 So listen to this, because you'll hear the oldest-ever sound recording 814 00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:51,640 plus the unfortunate event that followed. 815 00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:55,160 CHARLOTTE GREEN: 'American historians have discovered what they think 816 00:38:55,200 --> 00:38:58,400 'is the earliest recording of the human voice, made on a device 817 00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:02,200 'which scratched sound waves onto paper blackened by smoke. 818 00:39:02,240 --> 00:39:07,000 'It was made in 1860, 17 years before Thomas Edison first demonstrated 819 00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:10,880 'the gramophone, and featured an excerpt from a French song, 820 00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:13,320 'Au Clair de la Lune.' 821 00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:16,400 DISTORTED WARBLING 822 00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:23,600 WARBLING CONTINUES 823 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:26,480 SUPPRESSING LAUGHTER: 'The... the award-winning screenwriter, 824 00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:29,120 'Abby Mann, has died at the age of 80.' Oh, no. 825 00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:33,240 'He won an Academy award in 1961 for Judgment at Nuremberg. 826 00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:35,640 'Excuse me, sorry. 827 00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:39,160 'Abby Mann also won several Emmys, including...' 828 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:44,560 SUPPRESSING LAUGHTER: 'Including one in 1973 for... 829 00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:46,440 'For a film which featured a...' 830 00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:51,440 SUPPRESSING LAUGHTER: 'A police detective called...' 831 00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:53,480 SHE LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY 832 00:39:53,520 --> 00:39:56,280 'The character, on whom a long-running TV series 833 00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:57,760 'was eventually based.' 834 00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:01,560 Charlotte Green's great contribution. 835 00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:03,800 There's somebody in the corner of the room going... 836 00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:05,600 HE WARBLES 837 00:40:05,640 --> 00:40:08,800 "We haven't got it, we're going to have to go with the item anyway. 838 00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:11,440 "I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it, I know what it sounds like." 839 00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:14,240 HE WARBLES 840 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:16,960 "They'll never know, they'll never know. Don't laugh." 841 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:18,760 HE WARBLES 842 00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:23,880 - So this one you could record into it, but then nobody could hear it? - Yes. 843 00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:26,960 Could you not just get that for Jedward, like, for their next album? 844 00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:32,560 - They have a lovely day out, that's fine. - Everything would be perfect. 845 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,280 - Nobody has to suffer. - You're right. You're absolutely right. 846 00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,480 OK, so now we're going to go for a jolly jape, 847 00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:40,720 and I have an extraordinary pendulum swing that my friends here 848 00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:44,200 are going to bring on and I'm going to show you a remarkable action. 849 00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:49,320 It's handmade by our chief science elf, Will Bowen, 850 00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:52,120 who's a bit of a genius, and it's an effect that was first noted 851 00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:55,080 by Galileo, that's how old it is. But you don't see many of these 852 00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:57,240 and I think it would make a great executive toy. 853 00:40:57,280 --> 00:40:59,760 So I'm going to lay this down here, 854 00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:01,520 and push it and let go. 855 00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:03,760 And it will start to go in this rather beautiful... 856 00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:05,600 - Look at that, isn't that lovely? - Oh, wow. 857 00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:08,800 But, it's better than that, because then it starts to get a bit, 858 00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:10,640 get a bit ordinary. 859 00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:14,320 And then it starts to move into a different sort of rhythm 860 00:41:14,360 --> 00:41:17,920 and then they start to get in step, like that. 861 00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:21,560 Ooh, look at that, they're starting to move together again. 862 00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:25,080 But then something really amazing happens as well, 863 00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:27,360 which is they go back into their wave formation, 864 00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:28,680 which is about to happen. 865 00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:32,400 It's a whole long process, but it's utterly predictable 866 00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:35,560 and it follows very specific laws of physics. 867 00:41:35,600 --> 00:41:40,360 And here it goes back into its waves again. 868 00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:42,600 Look at that. 869 00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:45,200 I think that's pretty amazing, isn't it? 870 00:41:45,240 --> 00:41:47,440 APPLAUSE 871 00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:51,960 And it will carry on doing that, and as you can see, 872 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,280 it will carry on going through those cycles behind us, 873 00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:57,400 and it's a principle, as I say, that Galileo worked out. 874 00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:00,360 The central bob makes 60 swings in a minute. 875 00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:03,640 The one to its left does 59 in 60 seconds, and so on. 876 00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:06,480 And it means after one minute they're back to where they started. 877 00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:08,560 It doesn't matter how far you push a pendulum, 878 00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:10,280 it still takes the same amount of time 879 00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:11,880 to swing from one side to the other. 880 00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:14,480 And it's using that that makes it go in and out of sync 881 00:42:14,520 --> 00:42:17,680 in these different ways. There it is. It's the Galileo Pendulum 882 00:42:17,720 --> 00:42:19,960 and wouldn't it make a great executive toy? 883 00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:22,640 Well, that's all the inventions we've got time for this week, 884 00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:24,480 except of course for the scores. 885 00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:26,200 And believe me, these are not invented, 886 00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:28,960 much as though people may believe it, the scores are rigorously 887 00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:30,560 and scientifically worked out. 888 00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:33,280 And in first place, with an extraordinary plus 13, 889 00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:35,800 is Sandi Toksvig. 890 00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:37,320 Wow! 891 00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:38,840 APPLAUSE 892 00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:44,640 And only ten points behind in second place with plus three, 893 00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:47,200 - Jeremy Clarkson. - A plus! 894 00:42:47,240 --> 00:42:48,440 APPLAUSE 895 00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:49,840 Why am I clapping? 896 00:42:51,600 --> 00:42:56,200 And very impressive from Jason Manford, with plus two! Wow! 897 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:57,360 I don't know how I got that. 898 00:42:57,400 --> 00:42:58,680 APPLAUSE 899 00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:05,640 And I'm afraid the smallest swing of the pendulum, minus eight, 900 00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:07,040 Alan Davies. 901 00:43:07,080 --> 00:43:08,920 APPLAUSE 902 00:43:15,120 --> 00:43:20,520 And that's all from Jason, Jeremy, Sandi, Alan and me. 903 00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:24,520 Thank you, be extremely kind to each other for ever and good night.