1 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:27,840 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:37,360 Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:39,960 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:42,760 good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, 5 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:46,240 where tonight we're cantering through the whole kit and caboodle. 6 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:48,600 It's a catch-all that can cover anything and anyone, 7 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,800 including the wild expanse of Ross Noble. 8 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,840 CHEERING 9 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,720 The far reaches of Noel Fielding. 10 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,440 CHEERING 11 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,640 The sweeping vistas of Colin Lane. 12 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:10,400 CHEERING 13 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,960 And the frozen wastes of Alan Davies. 14 00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:20,680 CHEERING 15 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,920 So, catch my attention if you can. Ross goes: 16 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,480 SCHOOL BELL RINGS 17 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:31,920 Noel goes: 18 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,120 TRAIN HORN 19 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:35,680 Colin goes: 20 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,240 WIBBLE WOBBLE 21 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:38,480 LAUGHING 22 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,400 And Alan goes: 23 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,840 MAN'S VOICE: Stephen, Stephen! I want some points! 24 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:44,640 LAUGHTER 25 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:47,720 Now, in case anybody's wondering, because he hasn't done that 26 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:50,920 much television in Britain, we found Colin in Australia. 27 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:56,600 - Colin, in 1994, you won the Perrier Award, didn't you? - Yes. 28 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,760 - For comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe. - Yes. 29 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:01,480 Which is an incredibly distinguished award to win, as... 30 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:03,520 - HE COUGHS - ..I know. 31 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,360 And, no, ignore that. 32 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:08,600 - But you haven't won the Perrier Award, Stephen? - Yes, I did win it, yes. 33 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,840 - Oh, you did? - I was the... My group was the first to win it, ever. 34 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,520 - Yeah. - The first? - As it happens, yeah. 35 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:16,200 But I wonder who you beat in 1994? Who came second or third? 36 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,200 There were a few other nominees. 37 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,040 - Yeah, who were the other nominees? - Er... Um.. 38 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:25,040 I think the main competition came from a little fellow.... 39 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,760 ALAN YAWNS 40 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,280 - ..his name was Alan Davies. - Alan Davies. 41 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:31,000 - Oh, no, whatever. - Yes. - Oh. 42 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:32,080 Alan Davies, yes. Yes. 43 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,520 Then I went to Melbourne and I stayed at Colin's house 44 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:38,280 and he'd put the Perrier Award on the bedside table! 45 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:47,400 He said he had to look for it, he had to look in the loft for it. 46 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:50,520 And the Perrier Award, Alan, was a... 47 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,920 In case you want to know what it looks like. 48 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,960 Was like a piece of wood with like a silver Perrier bottle on top, 49 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,640 with a little cap on it, 50 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,920 that kind of just fell off a couple of days after we got it. 51 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,800 And the award for Best Newcomer, was a lovely... 52 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,320 - Really, you? - Did you? 53 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:12,080 - That was you? - Did you win it? Yeah! - That was you! 54 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,800 It's a better trophy, isn't it? It's like a sort of big cube. 55 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,000 It's a much better, it's like an oblong Perspex. 56 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,560 Yeah, like a Star Trek thing. 57 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:27,000 With the shape of a Perrier bottle made out of bubbles inside it, 58 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,280 it's really, it's really, really nice. 59 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:30,680 I gave it to my mum, yeah. 60 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:36,360 Anyway, that's enough inspecting our own bottoms, it's embarrassing. 61 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,720 So, suggest, if you may, 62 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:42,520 some uses of kitty litter that don't involve a kitty. 63 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:45,320 Aaah. There's a kitty. I've got some kitty litter here. 64 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,800 Anyone could use it for absorbing their urine, couldn't they? 65 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,600 Well, you could use it in the same way that a kitty would use it, 66 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,640 yeah, because it does soak up liquid. 67 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:57,040 Can you - when you drop your phone in the loo - you're supposed to put it in a tub 68 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,200 - of rice to get the moisture out. - Indeed. - Can you do that with cat litter? 69 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:03,200 There's an episode of Elementary which is based on that very fact. 70 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:06,240 There's an episode of Jonathan Creek where I wee'd in some cat litter. 71 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,800 I say "I"- the character Jonathan. 72 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:13,520 Let's work backwards as to how that could possibly be a plot line 73 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,280 that you pee'd in cat litter. 74 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,080 I just got trapped in the cellar for ages and I needed a wee. 75 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,080 Oh, I see, well, that's fair enough. 76 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,000 When you're at school, when people throw up, don't they put cat, 77 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,920 - I don't know... - Sawdust. - That's a good thing to do. - Ah. - That, exactly, anything like that. 78 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:29,120 We used to have a sort of weird brown sand. 79 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,600 Yeah, and they say, "There's nothing to see here," 80 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:32,920 but there is, isn't there? 81 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,440 Yes, there really is. 82 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,840 - It's a really good spectacle. - There's a lot to see there. 83 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,080 There's a lot to see. 84 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,040 Also they would draw a chalk line round it, like it had died. 85 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,360 Yes. The scene of a body. 86 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,720 The skill was to make it in the shape of a dead body. 87 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,400 Make it look like a mammal. 88 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:50,880 Oh, look, a racoon has died in the playground. 89 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:54,160 It's always a bit of fun to put it in a sugar bowl, 90 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:58,440 so that when somebody adds it to their tea, just, phoom, tea's gone. 91 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,120 Probably the most profitable use, bizarrely, 92 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,080 was by the American tobacco industry. 93 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:07,880 Can you imagine why that might be? 94 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,880 There's a tax on tobacco, obviously, there was 95 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,760 a tax on small cigars and American tobacco companies... 96 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:13,920 Filters, in filters? 97 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:17,800 They bulked-up their small cigars to become big cigars... 98 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,160 ..using, amongst 99 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,400 other things, the ingredients of cat litter, which is disgusting. 100 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:25,720 That's a big cigar. 101 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,520 No, I think that's someone's leg! She's just eaten someone. 102 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,760 That is enormous. 103 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,400 I think they've bulked that one up too much. 104 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:38,320 That's a normal-sized cigar, I think, but she's just a very small woman. 105 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,200 They apparently reduced their tax take on tobacco by over 106 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:46,000 a billion this way, by bumping small cigars into the big-cigar category. 107 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:50,520 But unfortunately a lot of cats leapt up and wee'd on their faces. 108 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,680 "I'm going to celebrate the deal. Aaaah." 109 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:57,560 Why did they choose kitty litter as the filling? 110 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,360 Oh, it was because it's a kind of neutral stuff that burns, 111 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,920 that doesn't really taste of anything unpleasant, 112 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,680 - and is cheap and isn't tobacco. - It burns? 113 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,360 - So it doesn't have a tax on it. - What about just some soil, maybe? 114 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,120 That would be cheaper than kitty litter. 115 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,960 The trouble with soil is, it wouldn't burn 116 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,720 - and it would taste unpleasant. - What about air? 117 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:16,880 - Just a foot pump. - Yeah. 118 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:19,800 Or better still, some helium, so that you can just have your cigar 119 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:23,000 and you don't have to hold it, you just take your hand away and it just 120 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,760 floats there like that, and then you can just go back to it and go... 121 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:29,600 And then you go... 122 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,360 HIGH VOICE: "This is a lovely cigar. 123 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,440 "It's enormous!" 124 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,560 So it's highly flammable, so basically, if a kitten... 125 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:40,680 It's not highly flammable. You can just burn it, like tobacco. 126 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:42,880 It doesn't go, whoomf! 127 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:48,160 It's probably apocryphal, but there was a story about Churchill, 128 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,280 or if you are an American, about Clarence Darrow, 129 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:53,880 the famous lawyer, if you remember the Scopes Monkey Trial, 130 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:58,160 he was the great lawyer who defended the teacher who was teaching evolution. 131 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,960 I can see why Winston Churchill was so angry. 132 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:04,520 He's the Prime Minister and he's got a cigar with a dent in it. 133 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,560 That's from where a small kitten landed on him. 134 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,480 And then leapt off. 135 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,960 They had they had a trick, supposedly, which withdrew 136 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:17,560 people's attention from what they were saying and made them agree with them. 137 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,360 And that was, they would stick a needle or long pin 138 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:24,200 into their cigar lengthways which has the effect of keeping 139 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:29,280 the ash from falling, and so at meetings, people would just stare at 140 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:31,680 the cigars and they would say things like, 141 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:37,160 "We shall not give independence to India," and they go, "Yes, fine, absolutely, I agree with you." 142 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,480 Because they just couldn't take in what was being said. 143 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:41,720 It was a brilliant strategy. 144 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,200 It was like just now when you said monkey trial. 145 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,720 I couldn't hear anything else you were saying. 146 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,840 Just imagining a trial with monkeys. 147 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:55,480 - A monkey challenge. - It's like gorilla warfare. Gorillas! 148 00:07:55,480 --> 00:08:00,120 - None of the information going in. - Or a kangaroo court. - Exactly! 149 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:04,040 It's very confusing, but there are other uses for kitty litter. 150 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,160 A small jar of clean litter in the fridge 151 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,680 will get rid of unwanted smells. 152 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:11,480 - Will it? With the lid off. - Yes. 153 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,800 You seal it in a vacuum! 154 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,400 People would put it in with the lid on! You know that? Not me! 155 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,760 I know the lid off, 156 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:27,080 but other people, they would put it in and say, "The fridge still stinks, right!" 157 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:30,480 - You've got to help people! - Kitty litter doesn't come with a lid. 158 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:35,120 It doesn't come in a jar, either, does it?! You brought the jar up! 159 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,600 No, you put it in a jar. 160 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:43,440 - Yes, but not with the lid on! - All right, pointlessly I will concede you that. 161 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:47,640 - Does it have to be a jar? - It doesn't! It could be a cup! A teacup. 162 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:51,120 - A saucer. A simple saucer. - Some sort of vessel or receptacle. 163 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:57,560 You've got to be very careful not to use the vegetable tray, 164 00:08:57,560 --> 00:09:00,960 because if you fill that full of kitty litter, very confusing. 165 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:05,800 Yes. You can put a cup full of litter in a pair of tights, 166 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,040 bear with me, 167 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:11,600 tie off the top and leave it in your shoes overnight for freshness. 168 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,280 There's a hint, yes, audience going "ooh!" 169 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,280 Someone's going to try that in the audience. 170 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:19,560 - Someone's got a teenage son with smelly... - GEORDIE ACCENT: - ..trainers. 171 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:22,640 - "Trainers?" - Is that what went wrong... "Trainers." 172 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:27,000 - Ross? "What are you doing to me? I said "trainers". - Trainers. 173 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:31,800 - GEORDIE ACCENT: - I've got to put some tights in me shoes with kitty litter in them. 174 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:35,000 Oh, yeah, he's laughing now, any minute now I'll go... 175 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:39,360 So when you see the male ballet dancers in their tights, 176 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,880 is that what the, is that what's down the front there? 177 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,680 Absolutely. Yeah. 178 00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:46,880 When they're lifting, they'll go, "Hmm, fresh. Fresh." 179 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:50,040 "Go on love, smell that, eat your dinner off that." 180 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,680 "I'm not eating me dinner off that." 181 00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:53,440 "I got it out the fridge 20 minutes ago. 182 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:54,720 "There's a jar down there." 183 00:09:57,560 --> 00:10:00,280 Yeah, the point is, the last thing that kitty litter needs is 184 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,960 a kitty, really, you can use it for so many other things. 185 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:06,400 Name the product which put Kendal on the map. 186 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,040 ALL: Ah, oh, aaah... 187 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:15,400 - I'm being pointed at. - Let's do it one letter at a time. 188 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,480 - Yeah. - M... 189 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,240 I just I love saying that word as well. Those words together. 190 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:21,360 - Do you? - Yeah. 191 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,080 I have no idea what you're talking about. 192 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,760 You're the only one who doesn't, we're all desperate to say it. 193 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,480 - Kendal Mint Cake. - What? 194 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:30,800 - KLAXON BLARES - Oh, that's so unfair! 195 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,160 There is a mint cake which went up Everest for the first, 196 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,480 the conquering of Everest, and Scott took on the... 197 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:39,120 - High sugar, for giving you energy when you're up a mountain. - It's rather delicious. 198 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,920 - I see. - But it's not what put Kendal on the map, as it were. 199 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:44,360 Kendal became famous for another product. 200 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:47,600 And it's actually extraordinary, it's a machine that was built 201 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:53,320 in 1750, and is possibly the oldest still working machine in the world. 202 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,480 It's still producing the same stuff now. 203 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,960 It was actually built to make gunpowder, 204 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:05,560 but quite early on in its life, it was schlepped down to Kendal by ass 205 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:09,920 or donkey, and then started to make what it still makes to this day. 206 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,760 Which is of the same consistency as gunpowder. 207 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,280 - Sherbet Dip. - Sherbet Dip! 208 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,640 That map's only of any use really if you're going, driving to Kendal. 209 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:22,920 If you're, it is, exactly. You're absolutely right. 210 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,240 - It's not much use for anything else. - It's for walking. 211 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:26,800 And even then it's pretty vague. 212 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,720 I used to sell those maps and people would come in and they'd go, 213 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,200 "I'm going to Birmingham," and I'd go, "No, you can't." 214 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,000 - "Yeah, I've only got a Kendal map." - Do you use it in the home? 215 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,960 We nowadays very rarely use it. 216 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:41,320 It was the most popular form of delivery of this drug, 217 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,440 up until about 1900. 218 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:44,960 Nicotine? 219 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:48,000 Nicotine is the right answer. How was nicotine most delivered? 220 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,240 - Snuff. - Snuff. 221 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,680 Kendal has a snuff mill that has been going 222 00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:56,560 - since 1750 and still produces snuff. - Ah, the old Kendal snuff mill. 223 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:59,440 - The old Kendal snuff mill. - I think I knew that. - Exactly. 224 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,400 I have some snuff for you to try, in different flavours. 225 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,200 You can see whether the lid is lying or not. 226 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:06,840 Arrgh! 227 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,720 In special QI lids. You can take it if you want. 228 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,560 - You obviously inhale it up the nose. - You do it all, right? 229 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,320 Oh! 230 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,840 You're going to spill... 231 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,640 Don't do it all, no. It's very sharp. 232 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,240 It is, it's sharp. 233 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,800 Nothing. Nothing. 234 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:31,520 Oh really! No! 235 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,240 Nothing. 236 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,640 - Oh, you're licking it. - Woooooo! 237 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:39,960 On the gums. Oh, a moustache. It is quite sharp. 238 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,400 You've had a go. What's your flavour saying, Alan? 239 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,000 The only time... it says Christmas pudding. 240 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,120 You've got Christmas pudding. 241 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,200 The only time I've had a... 242 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,960 Ross Noble! 243 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,920 Honestly, it's fine, it's good, put it in your eyes. 244 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,040 It's good. 245 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,600 This is probably the only time my nan's going to watch me 246 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,160 on telly and I'll be like that the whole show. 247 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,120 What do you reckon, Colin? 248 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,680 Oh, that is the... the flavour says "kitty litter". 249 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,560 Ah-ha-ha. 250 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,520 - That is awful! - You're not a fan? 251 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:20,920 - I'm not a fan. It says "champagne". - Yeah, they're different. 252 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,640 There are so many, I mean hundreds, 253 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,040 - thousands of different flavours or sorts, as they're called. - Ugh! 254 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,000 What does yours say on the lid, Noel? 255 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,080 - What flavour? - Yeah. - Jealousy. 256 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,960 - By Calvin Klein. - Whisky and honey. 257 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,800 - Whisky and honey. Does it taste...? Yours, Ross? - No, not really. 258 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,800 - When you've come down? - I can't see! 259 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,080 I can't see anything. 260 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,880 - Noel will read it to you. - Who's talking to me?! 261 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:50,240 - Your flavour's madness. - It says "peanut butter"! 262 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:53,560 - No, it says "Perrier". - Oh, does it? Arrgh! 263 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,440 Ah, Perrier smells of victory. 264 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,480 The problem is, it makes your snot brown, 265 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,040 so there are snuff handkerchiefs which are brown silk 266 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:10,040 handkerchiefs or dark coloured silk handkerchiefs. 267 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:13,120 But that will, really, you'll see, you'll get a... 268 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,040 It'll look as if you've wiped your arse, I'm afraid. 269 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:17,960 Ugh! 270 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,600 That, from here, looks like the Turin Shroud. 271 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,680 I can see the face of our Lord! You're right! 272 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,000 Even though you know it's snuff, you're like, "Urggh!" 273 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,480 - Even though, exactly. - "He's shat in his hanky!" 274 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,320 Even though they know. 275 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,720 Aaarggh! 276 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,760 It's like your eyeball comes out in the wet wipe. 277 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,240 It's fine. 278 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,960 What are the advantages, if one can put it that way, of taking snuff instead of smoking? 279 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,240 Sorry. 280 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:57,040 - Well, there's no smoky stinkiness. - Yeah, that you... - It's very self-contained. 281 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,480 Lung cancer, emphysema, heart disease are unlikely. 282 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,360 - Not bothering other people. - It doesn't bother other people. 283 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,280 - It doesn't make your clothes smell. - It could be perfumed. 284 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,360 - But it will rot inside your nose, sinuses and... - Nasopharyngeal... 285 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:12,120 - NASAL VOICE: "It affects the way you talk as well, Stephen." - Yeah, well there is that. 286 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,000 It does slightly increase your chances of nasopharyngeal 287 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,080 - cancer, but only slightly. - Oh great, thanks very much(!) 288 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,200 Not one pinch, I promise. 289 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,920 It is, of course, necessary for me at this point not to 290 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,560 recommend snuff, or any other tobacco products. 291 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:27,280 Is that Little Mix? 292 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:34,680 I don't want to alarm anyone, but the one at the top left is me. 293 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:39,520 It is! Oh, my goodness. 294 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:49,760 There's no doubting it. 295 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,240 Members of Parliament, you may be pleased to note, 296 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,880 get a free ration of snuff. 297 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,920 There's a bit snuff box kept in Parliament for them. 298 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:02,000 A freedom of information enquiry showed that one box lasts two years 299 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,640 and costs £6, so it's hardly an expenses scandal. 300 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,920 They've been bulking that out with cat litter, surely? 301 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,920 This'll last you two years, this will. 302 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,440 Anyway, s'nuff said about Kendal. 303 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:21,320 Why isn't the tiny woman in your snuff box wearing any pants? 304 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,680 There's a picture in the lid of your snuff box. 305 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:28,160 Wow! I think the snuff's kicked in. 306 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:31,680 - I've only got a head shot. - Well, it's only a head shot. 307 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,160 But as it happens, she wouldn't be wearing any pants. 308 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:38,040 - I've got a full...a full... - Have you? - No. - You liar. 309 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,120 I've taken her face and arranged the snuff 310 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,440 so it looks like she's a bearded lady. 311 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:45,480 - Like that magnetic thing with the iron filings. - Yeah, yeah. 312 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,680 - I used to love that. - Pants as in undergarments? Those sort of pants? 313 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,960 Well, it's a woman who was probably you could regard as almost 314 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,440 the first celebrity, in a strange sort of way, 315 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,200 in as much as she wasn't an aristocrat, a politician, 316 00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:01,680 an artist, a warrior, she had no accomplishment whatsoever. 317 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,480 Katie Price. 318 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,000 Basically, she was... 319 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,520 That's quite extraordinary. 320 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:15,240 She was an 18th-century courtesan, which is not a word we use any more. 321 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:20,080 So she really rose to fame in the mid-18th century, 322 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,080 when she fell off her horse in St James's Park, 323 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,360 and it was revealed to the astonished onlookers... 324 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,440 She was going commando. 325 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,560 She was going commando, she had no underwear. 326 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,680 There is a picture, which is slightly overdone, 327 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,400 but it's an example of how famous... 328 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:36,240 Slightly missing the crucial aspects as well. 329 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,360 Yeah, exactly, somewhat. 330 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,440 - That's what going commando is? No...no pants? - No pants. 331 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:42,880 Yeah. 332 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,440 - Kitty Fisher, for such was her name. - Kitty Fisher? 333 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:49,280 Kitty Fisher. She went commando, and she exploited it enormously. 334 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:52,560 And there were snuff boxes produced with pictures of her in them, and... 335 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:54,360 Muff boxes? 336 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:57,000 Well, ah, ah, and... 337 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,280 - Just for her. - And there were watches, 338 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:03,080 called montres lubriques, lubricous watches, which used 339 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:05,880 the clockwork to show her doing rather pornographical things, in 340 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,840 a sort of like a sort of automaton kind of thing, a little movement. 341 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:11,280 Oh, God, you wouldn't want the grandfather clock with 342 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,200 a pendulum version, would you? 343 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:18,240 No, you certainly wouldn't. She led a sensationally dissolute... 344 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,200 I don't even know why that's funny. 345 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,160 No, but it is. We'll just sort of imagine. 346 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,040 - Just don't over-think it. - No. - That's my approach to life. 347 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,640 Her life was sensationally dissolute. 348 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:31,760 Casanova describes a moment when she ate a 1,000 guinea note, 349 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,520 with butter spread on it. 350 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:37,480 - And 1,000 guineas in those days could buy you, you know, an estate. - The kingdom of... 351 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,840 It could buy a country house with servants and... 352 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,280 - I mean it's staggering. - So, she was an idiot. 353 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:46,400 Well...just incredibly carefree, I suppose you'd describe that. 354 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,120 She had portraits painted of her by Reynolds, 355 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:51,720 the great portraitist of his day, and she, apparently... 356 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,200 The one in the middle doesn't really look like her. 357 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,720 No, that... No, that... 358 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,280 The one in the middle looks like Alan Sugar. 359 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:01,120 These are...these are... 360 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:05,240 IMITATES ALAN SUGAR: "I started with nothing! I had a van." 361 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:09,600 "I have taken... I've taken my wealth and I've swallowed it. 362 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:12,320 "And I'll tell you what, you're going to get down on your knees 363 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:14,560 "and you're going to wait for that note to come out." 364 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,440 Is that why she didn't have the knickers on? 365 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:19,680 She was waiting for...she was just waiting... That's all it was. 366 00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,920 - People thought she was... - Oh! - There it is! There it is! 367 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,640 Here it comes, I can see the Queen's face! 368 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,880 - Oh, it's gone back in again. - It was a king in the mid-18th century. 369 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,400 - Oh, was it a king? - Yes. 370 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:34,120 So, Reynolds... These are not examples of paintings of her, but she got through 371 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:36,760 so many lovers that he had to keep all the paintings he did, 372 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,600 because a man would say, "I'm in love with Kitty and I want you 373 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,840 "to do a painting of her," and about halfway through she was onto a new man. 374 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,200 - She was extraordinary. - So he made a flick book. 375 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:48,960 Basically a flick book of pictures of her. Yeah, she was pretty extraordinary. 376 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,600 Perhaps the first celeb, but like some modern celebs, 377 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,760 she sometimes forgot to wear any pants. 378 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,160 Name some features you really don't want in a submarine. 379 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,600 Holes. 380 00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,440 You do want holes 381 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:03,560 - for the torpedoes and for getting... - I thought I was onto a winner there. 382 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,360 Is it patio doors? 383 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:10,840 That's certainly one you probably could do without. 384 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,960 - Something you really, really don't want. - Decking? 385 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,200 There is a class of British submarine. I think we're seeing the interior. 386 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,600 Gas. You don't want gases in there. Odours. 387 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:22,320 Absolutely. And there was an occasion... 388 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,680 Got it - bouncy castle. 389 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,720 Bang! Bang! 390 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,560 - That really is... - A trampoline. 391 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:33,240 We have to stick to our letter and we're in the First World War. 392 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,160 - Um...something beginning with K. - Kennels! 393 00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:41,760 There was a K class submarine in the First World War. 394 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,320 It was British 395 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,040 and it was...? 396 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:47,880 Oh, it was...it was entirely soluble! 397 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:53,120 That's right. They didn't realise. They built it in a dry dock 398 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,400 and went, "This is going to be a winner." 399 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,440 Pss-ssh! 400 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:58,880 Oh, no! 401 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:01,040 It was made out of berocca! 402 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,680 It took ages to go! 403 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,760 All the U-boats went, "There is fizzing on ze horizon! 404 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:14,440 "Set the course for a big orangey thing fizzing in the..." 405 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:17,360 It was known as the calamity class 406 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,320 because it was such a disaster. 407 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,600 Almost everything about it was wrong. 408 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:24,880 It wouldn't go under the water. It wouldn't come up again! 409 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:28,560 Of the 18 built, six were sunk in accidents, 410 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,400 only one ever engaged an enemy vessel - 411 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:35,800 hit it midships with a torpedo but the torpedo didn't go off. 412 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:40,760 They key problem was that it had to keep up with a convoy of surface vessels and couldn't go fast enough. 413 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,520 It needed a steam engine in order to go that fast, 414 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:45,840 so it was a steam-engined submarine. 415 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:49,400 - Wow. - Which meant it needed funnels. 416 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:55,160 - A really, really, really long funnel? - Yes. 417 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:58,640 Unfortunately, they found out, when they tried to manoeuvre, 418 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:03,040 - seawater poured down the funnels and put the boilers out. - No shit(!) 419 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:06,080 - You really think they would've... - Could you hear it coming? 420 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:08,320 Cos instead of it going, "Toot, toot!", 421 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,720 it'd go, "Brr-blle, brr-blle, brr-blle! 422 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,800 It'd sound like a phone going off! 423 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,200 IMITATES PHONE RINGING 424 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,720 Hello? This type of phone won't be invented for several years. 425 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,480 To the future! 426 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:29,640 K1 manoeuvred to avoid a sudden turn by the leader of the flotilla, 427 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,080 HMS Blonde, rather wonderfully named... 428 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,720 K9 was a floating dog! 429 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:38,560 - She flooded her boilers and lost engine power... - ALAN BARKS 430 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,480 ..so her sister sub, K4, piled into her, 431 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,880 seawater poured in, and it reacted with the batteries 432 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:48,200 and produced clouds of chlorine gas, 433 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,400 and the crew, which was 56 men... 434 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:53,120 Wrote a letter of complaint! 435 00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:54,560 Sternly worded! 436 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:58,000 They had to be transferred to the Blonde, which then sunk the K1 437 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,960 with gunfire, so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands. 438 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:03,520 Cos the Germans would want to copy it(!) 439 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:08,280 - They should have given it to the Germans. - I don't think that was the way they were thinking. 440 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:11,440 - "Let's actually blow this shit up." - They were so annoyed with it. 441 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,400 It was also 339 feet long 442 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,040 and could only dive to 200 feet in depth, 443 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:19,480 which meant it would have its tail poking up, 444 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,640 - which is really stupid! - It'd be easier to get inside a whale! 445 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:27,600 It basically would. It basically would. 446 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:30,520 So, moving on now, we have some kits. 447 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:32,680 What would you use these kits for? 448 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,400 Window cleaning. 449 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,400 That's the first one. Well, no, they go together. 450 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,040 Scratching a window and then cleaning it. 451 00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:43,560 Well, this has a very specific ecological purpose, 452 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:44,960 rather bizarrely. 453 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:46,400 A wire-wool brush affair? 454 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:48,480 It's a scourer, it's a pan scourer. 455 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,960 Which you get from your average high street pan scourer shop. 456 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:56,120 - Indeed. - Yeah. - No-one's ever held a scourer like that. "Arrrgh!" 457 00:23:56,120 --> 00:24:00,200 - Yeah, they haven't, have they? - "Come and do the dishes. Arrgh!" 458 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,520 That sounds like a scouring super-hero. 459 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:05,760 "By the power of scour!" Also, the man on the right 460 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,280 doesn't really need the extended squeegee for that. 461 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:09,800 No, he doesn't. 462 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:13,920 With a little more effort, I think he could have got to the top. 463 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:17,800 "I'd better get the extension out. Oooh, that's better!" 464 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:21,200 We're in a world of ecology. 465 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:25,400 - Right. - And we're in a world of the second largest fish in the world, in fact. 466 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,320 Oh, is it getting the barnacles off of a whale? 467 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:30,000 Fish. Fish. 468 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:34,040 - Book one, chapter one, line one, QI... - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 469 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,800 - Whales are not fish. - Hang on, I didn't finish. 470 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:40,720 They train fish, they put scourers on the backs of fish, 471 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,640 and they have them swim up to whales, which we all know are fish, 472 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,720 and then they take the barnacles off, smart arse! 473 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,760 Ah! Very good wriggle, very good wriggle! 474 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:55,480 They won't come off. The way you get barnacles off of whales is with sarcasm. 475 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:59,160 The second-largest fish in the world is...? 476 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,320 - Is it a big squid? - Fish. 477 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,760 - A jellyfish? - A fish! 478 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:08,440 - The great white. - Basking. Basking! - Basking! 479 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,360 - The basking shark! - Basking shark. 480 00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:13,160 - For the last time, a basking... - I WANT POINTS! 481 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,000 In your dreams. 482 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,640 There it is, with its rather wonderful mouth open. 483 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:23,240 - Wow! - Whoa! - Isn't that fabulous? - "I've got a coat hanger stuck in my mouth! Help me! 484 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:26,320 "I've got a coat hanger in my mouth! 485 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:29,520 "I feel so vulnerable!" 486 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:33,280 - It's a beautiful animal and unfortunately... - Not really. 487 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:37,680 Well, it is. Unfortunately, it's hunted to the verge of extinction. 488 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,840 So we need to know a lot about them, because they're so in danger, 489 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:43,840 and to take a core of their DNA is difficult, you need to... 490 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:46,960 It's like tagging them, so what they've come up with is... 491 00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:51,080 - Is that one being examined now? Is that why he's got his mouth open? - Say "ah". 492 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:54,120 No, what you do is you get a window-cleaning rod, 493 00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:56,160 you shove a pan scourer on the end 494 00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,760 and you scrape off the slime from each particular one, 495 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:03,160 which has got its DNA, and you send it to the University of Aberdeen, 496 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:07,280 where it's marked and then you check its progress by marking other ones. 497 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,920 Can you not just use the head of the hammerhead? 498 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,600 Because it's the same shape. 499 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,800 Except that it's a different species. 500 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:19,280 - It's not the one you're trying to... - No, but I'm saying it's like a squeegee. It's the same shape. 501 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:23,360 - You could get an octopus to hold it, like that! - You train one! 502 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:24,720 Oh, you train one! 503 00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:28,160 - You train a hammerhead... - You train an octopus to keep still 504 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:32,240 - and the octopus holds it, like that. - Forgive me for being so stupid(!) 505 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,520 - I should have guessed what you meant(!) - Exactly! 506 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:39,000 It makes such zoological sense. 507 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:43,240 It comes up under the shark, scrapes along its underside... 508 00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:46,400 Occasionally, do they swallow slightly smaller sharks? 509 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,080 Yes, I hope they do. 510 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,160 Like Russian dolls - there's 19 in here. 511 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:53,960 - Just pull them out. - It's a lovely thought. Yeah. 512 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,320 It's a couple, Graham Hall and his wife Jackie. 513 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,280 Is that the name of that shark? 514 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:02,160 - No. - Graham Hall? It's not quite as frightening when you say, "Quick, there's a Graham!" 515 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,800 - There's a Graham. - Here comes Graham. 516 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,800 - Graham Hall and his wife Jackie. - Ooh, lovely. 517 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:10,680 From the Isle of Man, go out into the Irish Sea and scrape... 518 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:13,000 basking sharks with pan scourers. 519 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:16,520 - Disgusting! Filthy, filthy! - And send the DNA to Aberdeen. 520 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:19,920 And it's been jolly useful. It's jolly, jolly useful. 521 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,760 Would anybody like to know how you know that you're being 522 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:25,760 followed by a gay shark? 523 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:29,600 - Yeah, go on. - How do you know you're being followed by a gay shark? 524 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:31,800 HE HUMS: "Jaws Theme" 525 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:35,160 CHANGES TO: "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" 526 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:42,960 That's very good. I like that. And here's another kit. 527 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:48,120 What's that? It's luminous pins and reels of cotton. 528 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:50,520 - What would they be used for? - Sewing in the dark. 529 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:52,800 That would certainly... 530 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:54,800 Disco nanas? 531 00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:59,240 That is popular. 532 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:01,000 HE HUMS 533 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:03,840 You know when John Travolta was doing that? 534 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:06,240 - Yes. - He had wool around that one... 535 00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:09,880 HE SINGS: "Staying Alive" by Bee Gees 536 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,920 "Thanks, love." 537 00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:15,880 - This was part of the kit of a man called Dr Eric Dingwall. - Oh. 538 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:20,760 Dr Eric Dingwall specialised in exposing something. 539 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:23,800 Not his own dingwall. 540 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,560 But...? 541 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:28,240 The wall of his ding. 542 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:30,480 Yeah. Fake mediums. In other words, fakes. 543 00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:32,600 People who pretend that dead people speak. 544 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,280 - Is it to do with Ouija boards or anything? - Yeah. 545 00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,640 There are people who pretend, quite wrongly, 546 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:41,120 that dead people can speak, which they can't, they're dead. 547 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,720 They won't talk to you, they're dead. 548 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:45,720 But there are people, a class of fraud, 549 00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:48,680 but I'm saying this directly into camera, you are a fraud 550 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:53,320 if you are a medium, you are fraudulent, and... 551 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:55,520 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 552 00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:03,280 Hang on, hang on, hang on. My grandad says, "Shut your face." 553 00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:08,480 Dr Eric Dingwall cunningly used... 554 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:11,480 Stop it, Grandad, stop it! 555 00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:14,520 It's quite weird, because we look like we're in a seance. 556 00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:16,240 Yes, you do actually. 557 00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:18,720 You always look like you're in a seance! 558 00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:22,080 Yes, you do, let's be honest. Whoo-oo! 559 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,960 I'm getting a basking shark. 560 00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:27,760 What's that? 561 00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:31,440 You were touched inappropriately by a man called Graham? 562 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,720 I know someone whose husband passed away, 563 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:40,160 and went to see a medium, 564 00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:44,840 and the medium said, "Your husband is fine, he's with your father." 565 00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:48,320 And she said, "My father's still alive." 566 00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:53,280 And she said something along the lines of, "Not for long." 567 00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:55,640 LAUGHTER 568 00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:58,520 In an attempt to dig her way out of it! 569 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:00,200 - Pathetic. - And it massively worked. 570 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:02,440 She still gave her the £40 at the end! 571 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:04,120 ALL GASP 572 00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:06,400 It is extraordinary. Anyway, no, Eric Dingwall 573 00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:08,000 specialised in exposing mediums, 574 00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:10,880 and he would tie thread to their legs 575 00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:14,400 so that he could feel what their bodies were doing in the dark. 576 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:17,640 He would also attach luminous pins to them, so again when it was 577 00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,440 dark, he could see where they were moving and what they were doing, 578 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:23,240 what machinery they were operating, what tricks they were up to. 579 00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:24,560 Looking at that picture, 580 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:26,920 it looks to me like there are probably too many hands. 581 00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:29,720 - I haven't counted, but... - LAUGHTER 582 00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:32,200 I feel like there are too many, don't you? 583 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:34,400 I think those hands are on the table, aren't they? 584 00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:38,120 - Part of the table. - It spins round and you just get a pair. 585 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:43,080 None of those people in that room have got hands. 586 00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:46,600 They're trying to contact the dead, but that girl looks dead. 587 00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:51,120 I might have got off with about four years ago. 588 00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:56,360 - In a club in Camden. - It's your look! - Isn't that you in drag? 589 00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:59,160 I've seen you with that amount of goth make-up on, 590 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:02,320 I have to say, Noel. It's definitely a very you look. 591 00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:08,960 So, what comes flat-packed and takes four months to assemble? 592 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:12,680 IKEA dining table. 593 00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:14,320 KLAXON 594 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:19,320 I'm afraid, sorry, sorry. 595 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,480 Is it going to be something enormous like a space shuttle or something? 596 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:26,200 Well, it was jolly big and it was modular and it was genius. 597 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:31,320 - It was in the 1850s in Britain. It was war. - Was it France? 598 00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:33,720 We weren't at war with France, amazingly, in the 1850s. 599 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:36,440 No, I meant France in a flat-pack. 600 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:38,520 - I see! - Flat-pack enemy! 601 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:43,800 - Erect your own enemy in only four months! - It wasn't that. 602 00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:46,200 With whom were we at war in the 1850s? 603 00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:49,840 - Down in the...Crimea? - Crimea. It was the Crimean War. 604 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:53,840 - And who was the most famous figure really, apart from, I suppose... - Florence Nightingale. 605 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:57,400 Florence, as you rightly said, Nighting, as you pointed out, Gale. 606 00:31:57,400 --> 00:32:00,400 - There she is. - Flatpack foreign. - Flatpack foreign. 607 00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:03,320 She was furious at the conditions. She thought they were dreadful. 608 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:07,800 And she demanded of the British Army that they produce a proper hospital. 609 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,920 And so the finest engineer of his day, possibly finest engineer 610 00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:16,240 who ever lived, designed in just six days a modular, flatpack hospital. 611 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:17,880 - Oh. - Brunel. 612 00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:21,400 Isambard Kingdom, as you rightly said, Brun, as you pointed out, El. 613 00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:23,080 LAUGHTER 614 00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:24,680 When they set it up, they went, 615 00:32:24,680 --> 00:32:27,000 "Oh, it's a school. We've got the wrong one!" 616 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:32,440 "This is ridiculous. It's a dance hall, you idiot!" 617 00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:34,760 They set it up and there was a piece missing. 618 00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:36,760 They had to take it back. 619 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:40,520 We can actually see a picture of the... 620 00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:43,520 There they are. And what's brilliant is that you could add to them. 621 00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:46,640 So it started off with one which fitted about 500, 622 00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:49,600 - and ended up with 1,000 patients. - What, in that? 623 00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:52,400 No, you added another module. That's the point. 624 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:57,000 When he was 36, Brunel was doing a party trick for his children 625 00:32:57,000 --> 00:33:00,560 and he nearly choked on a half-sovereign coin. 626 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:05,360 - But it stayed in his throat. - For 40 years. - No! For quite some time. 627 00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:07,120 And they had to do a tracheotomy, 628 00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:09,880 they had to cut his throat so he could breathe. 629 00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:13,120 And they tried pulling it out with forceps, and that didn't work, 630 00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:16,240 so he designed his own rack on which he would go upside down 631 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:19,120 and they then slapped him very hard on the back for a while 632 00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:20,760 and eventually it came out! 633 00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:23,400 He should have just dropped his trousers 634 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,200 and then put his arm down like that. 635 00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:27,800 Kajing kajing kajing! 636 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:30,760 Did he need some money for a phone call, or something? 637 00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:33,120 He was just showing a trick where a coin disappeared, 638 00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:35,680 - presumably put in his mouth and... - It was a hell of a trick, 639 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:38,120 because when the coin went in, didn't have his face on it. 640 00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:40,880 LAUGHTER 641 00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:42,960 So, on the subject of flatpacks, though, 642 00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:44,680 and IKEA, which you mentioned, Colin, 643 00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:46,800 can you give me within five years 644 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:49,760 when the flatpack was invented for the purposes of furniture? 645 00:33:49,760 --> 00:33:53,480 - IKEA flatpack? - Yeah. - 1980... 646 00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:54,560 Hopeless. No. 647 00:33:57,520 --> 00:34:01,640 - 56. - That was my second guess! - Take the pen out of your lips. 648 00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:02,960 Thank you. 649 00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:03,960 Yeah, it was 1956. 650 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:07,840 There's Mr IKEA, or whatever his name is, the founder of the company. 651 00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:10,040 Ian Kevin Edward Aldershot. 652 00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:12,160 ONE MAN CHEERS 653 00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:14,080 Ooh! There's an Ian Kevin Edward Aldershot, 654 00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:16,480 by amazing coincidence, in the audience! 655 00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:20,880 That's Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of the IK bit. 656 00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:22,760 Ingvar Kamprad. 657 00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:25,320 So who was Ian Aldershot, then? 658 00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:28,280 That was you who raised Aldershot, don't look at me! 659 00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:30,320 But it was one of his employees, 660 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:32,520 one of their first salesman, Gillis Lundgren. 661 00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:35,200 He accidentally fell on a table, and went, "Oh, shit!" 662 00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:40,560 Then he went, "Don't worry, it's flatpack! I've done it on purpose!" 663 00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:43,400 Well, almost. He took the legs off in order to transport it in a car, 664 00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:45,760 and then had a sort of lightbulb moment and thought, 665 00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:47,840 "That's rather good, we can sell it that way, 666 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:50,880 "put all the bodywork in the hands of the people who buy it!" 667 00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:53,760 I've got an IKEA table and chairs, it's lasted me 21 years. 668 00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:57,520 Really? Colour me impressed. That's very good. 669 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,880 Where is the world's largest branch of IKEA? 670 00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:04,320 - Wembley. - No. - Australia? - Yes. 671 00:35:04,320 --> 00:35:07,760 - Which city? You'll be annoyed. - Sydney. - Yes, Sydney. 672 00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:10,520 - As a Melbourner, you'll be annoyed. - Great city! Lovely people. 673 00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:14,320 Yes, he said through clenched teeth. I've never seen clencheder teeth. 674 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:16,000 Charming. Absolutely, yes. 675 00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:18,520 The world's largest is said to be in Sydney. 676 00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:21,720 I was actually, I went and did some gigs there, in Sydney, 677 00:35:21,720 --> 00:35:23,120 and I played the opera house, 678 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:25,320 and I was in the opera house doing some press, 679 00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:27,040 and I looked out the window, thinking, 680 00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:30,120 "Where's the opera house?" LAUGHTER 681 00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:33,560 Actually scanning the horizon. "Where's the opera house gone?" 682 00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,240 "You're in it, you idiot!" Oh, yeah! 683 00:35:36,240 --> 00:35:39,800 You should've gone like this - "Whoa!" 684 00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:42,880 It's so refreshing that the biggest IKEA is in Sydney, 685 00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:45,280 because whenever there's something big in Australia, 686 00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:48,000 - we say it's the biggest in the southern hemisphere. - Yes. 687 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:50,320 In fact, it probably isn't the biggest in the world, 688 00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:53,080 - I suspect it is the biggest in the southern hemisphere. - The IKEA. 689 00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:56,800 You go to a hotel and they go, "biggest swimming pool in the southern hemisphere!" 690 00:35:56,800 --> 00:35:59,640 - The IKEA in Sydney is the biggest in Sydney. - Yes, it is that! 691 00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:02,840 The best whatever is in, have you been to Narrandera, 692 00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:05,280 where they've got the southern hemisphere's 693 00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:07,200 second-largest playable guitar? 694 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:08,720 LAUGHTER 695 00:36:08,720 --> 00:36:11,640 "We've got the world's biggest guitar! No, it's not. 696 00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:14,480 "Playable guitar. Southern hemisphere. 697 00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:15,680 "They've what? 698 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:18,840 "The southern hemisphere's second-largest playable guitar." 699 00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:23,200 You can see the sign's been crossed out and crossed out and crossed out. 700 00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:26,160 So, moving on. Now it's time for a bit of General Ignorance, 701 00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:29,320 so fingers on buzzers please. What was a Roman soldier's salary? 702 00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:32,840 - Wine, prostitutes? - The outfit, just the outfit. 703 00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:35,440 - Audience? - Forty quid a week. 704 00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:38,440 - AUDIENCE MEMBERS: SALT. - Salt, oh, dear! - KLAXON BLARES 705 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:41,000 Audience, minus points. 706 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:43,400 Losers! 707 00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:45,280 Whoa, ha-ha-ha-ha! 708 00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:48,880 Is there joy in trapping the audience there? 709 00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:51,560 Yes, it's true that the word derives from the Latin for salt, 710 00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:54,960 but it is never true that they were paid in salt. 711 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:57,840 The money would go towards the buying of salt, but also towards the 712 00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:01,120 buying of their uniform, the buying of almost everything else, because, 713 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:03,680 a bit like British officers, they have to buy everything 714 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:06,080 themselves out of their salary. 715 00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:08,520 But they were never paid in salt. 716 00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:10,920 We're getting paid in salt though, aren't we? 717 00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:12,960 You're getting paid in salt, oh, yes. Oh, yes. 718 00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:15,520 - Kitty litter. - And kitty litter, in fact. 719 00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:19,160 Yeah, the Romans, in fact, planted vineyards, as you may know, 720 00:37:19,160 --> 00:37:20,960 in parts of Britain, so here's a question. 721 00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:23,760 Where does British wine come from? 722 00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:26,160 - Somerset. - Somerset, no. 723 00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:27,280 - Kent. - No. 724 00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:28,320 Kendal? 725 00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:31,160 Kendal, no. Which country does it come from? 726 00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:32,440 France. 727 00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:33,640 It might do. 728 00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:36,960 The point is, British wine is made from grape concentrate, 729 00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:38,520 which comes from abroad. 730 00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:42,040 Whereas English wine is proper English wine from English vineyards. 731 00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:44,720 And so English wine gets a very bad reputation, 732 00:37:44,720 --> 00:37:47,560 because people have tried British wine and think it's the same, 733 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:50,080 and it isn't. Just to big it up for English wine. 734 00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:52,720 That's not uncommon, though - when the French had a lot of wine 735 00:37:52,720 --> 00:37:55,520 they would ship tankers of it down to Australia, for example, 736 00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:58,120 and they'd use it. Because people stopped buying French wine 737 00:37:58,120 --> 00:38:00,640 - because they didn't understand it. - That's the problem, 738 00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:03,360 because it didn't have the varietal labelling. 739 00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:06,960 - Of course, here, we just have dry or sweet. - Yes! 740 00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:09,720 Which is an improvement on your old definition, 741 00:38:09,720 --> 00:38:11,960 which was just red or white. 742 00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:15,320 - Or warm or hot. - Warm or hot, yeah! 743 00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:16,760 Good or shit. 744 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:19,520 - We've made giant strides. - In a box or in a bottle. 745 00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:25,480 Ooh, a bottle, fancy! He's a bit up himself! 746 00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:27,520 - He's got a corkscrew! - Yeah. 747 00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:30,000 The point is, British wine, unfortunately, 748 00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:32,000 has besmirched the good name of English wine. 749 00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:34,560 There is a very good sparkling wine that won a big prize, 750 00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:36,840 - it beat all the French ones. They didn't like it. - No. 751 00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:38,800 There are over 400 vineyards in Britain now, 752 00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:41,120 and maybe global warming will see an increase in that. 753 00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:43,560 But certainly in Roman days, in the medieval warm period, 754 00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:46,480 as it's called, wine was commonly made there. 755 00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:49,160 So, anyway, English wine comes from England, 756 00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:50,960 but British wine can come from anywhere. 757 00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:52,400 And now... 758 00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:53,960 This is where it gets scary, 759 00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:58,240 I'm going to try and impress you with my martial art skills. 760 00:38:58,240 --> 00:39:00,480 - Really? - Karate. 761 00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:02,480 Let's break stuff with our bare hands, 762 00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:03,920 and we're going to begin with you. 763 00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:07,240 - You should have a piece of paper and a ruler. - Yes. 764 00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:11,120 And what I want you to do is put the ruler on the table, 765 00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:13,600 two-thirds of the way, something like that, 766 00:39:13,600 --> 00:39:15,360 and put the paper on top of it. 767 00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:16,640 Mm. 768 00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:19,120 Like so. Not wholly over it, leave the bit out. 769 00:39:19,120 --> 00:39:20,680 That's it. 770 00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:22,720 Yeah, Colin's got it right. Thank you, Colin. 771 00:39:22,720 --> 00:39:24,960 - Yes. - OK. Very good. - All right. 772 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:27,240 Now, without putting your hand over the paper... 773 00:39:27,240 --> 00:39:28,760 That's how he got that award. 774 00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:32,120 ..simply karate chop and break the piece of wood, 775 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:35,920 because the air pressure over the paper will act as a... 776 00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:38,360 You think that can't be possible, so, Colin, you try. 777 00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:39,480 - Really? - Yep. 778 00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:42,960 - Oh! - APPLAUSE 779 00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:44,360 Isn't that surprising? 780 00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:47,640 CHEERING 781 00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:51,480 Who'd have thought? 782 00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:56,520 Who would have...? 783 00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:59,080 And I didn't believe you, so I really put my shoulder into it. 784 00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:01,400 - Yeah, you have to, a nice bit of follow-through. - Yeah. 785 00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:03,480 Alan, you have a go. 786 00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:04,840 Yeah - oh, well it is in half, 787 00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:07,280 you can see, but it slipped out, unfortunately. 788 00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:08,440 Go on, Ross. 789 00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:10,960 - Is it in half? - Yeah! 790 00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:14,840 Noel next. All right, Noel. 791 00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:18,760 - Yah! - Ah! 792 00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:20,680 There it is. 793 00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:22,760 It's very surprising. 794 00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:24,800 - It feels good though, doesn't it? - It feels good. 795 00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:27,360 - You feel like Bruce Lee for about four seconds. - Now, I... 796 00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:29,520 What I'm going to do is, I've got three bricks here. 797 00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:31,560 HE GRUNTS WITH EFFORT 798 00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:34,680 And it is, ahh... 799 00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:37,680 It's like the first ever game of Jenga. 800 00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:38,880 It is. 801 00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:42,520 All right, OK. 802 00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:43,600 Yep. 803 00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:47,400 - It's Kendal Mint Cake. - Kendal Mint Cake. OK. 804 00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:49,000 Oh, God... 805 00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:51,640 I have to focus my energy. 806 00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:53,560 I know, it's... All right, it sounds... 807 00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:55,000 But I have to focus. 808 00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:58,720 Have to go through... I have to - oh, God. 809 00:40:58,720 --> 00:40:59,840 I'm so nervous now. 810 00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:02,480 Ah! 811 00:41:02,480 --> 00:41:04,640 Ooh... 812 00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:08,800 CHEERING 813 00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:10,840 Ow! Didn't get them all. 814 00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:15,080 Last time I got them all. 815 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:17,720 OK. But, even more... 816 00:41:17,720 --> 00:41:19,560 Oh, I've got another one. 817 00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:21,880 Another load here and this time, in theory... 818 00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:23,680 You're going to do it with your penis. 819 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:25,360 Ah-ha-ha! 820 00:41:25,360 --> 00:41:27,680 In theory here... Ow. 821 00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:29,840 Er... 822 00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:34,280 So, choose top, middle or bottom. 823 00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:36,600 - Middle. - Oh, no! 824 00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:37,640 OK. 825 00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:39,480 I'll try and break just the middle, then. 826 00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:42,520 I'll bet you Chuck Norris is crapping himself. 827 00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:44,680 I'm going to try and break just the middle one. 828 00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:48,720 Again, this takes extreme focus and extreme pain. 829 00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:51,120 (Go through.) 830 00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:54,320 I just don't want to do this. 831 00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:56,720 You don't want to do it again. 832 00:41:56,720 --> 00:41:58,520 Oh! 833 00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:00,800 CHEERING 834 00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:05,000 That was the middle one. 835 00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:07,320 Oh, thank you very much indeed. 836 00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:10,040 Thank you. 837 00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:11,080 Ow. 838 00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:15,160 I can't believe I've put my hood on 839 00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:18,000 in case there were shards flying around. 840 00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:21,360 What, shards of his splintering wrist? 841 00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,160 Kendal Mint Cake. 842 00:42:23,160 --> 00:42:26,080 The truth is, there's no mystique to karate-chopping bricks, 843 00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:29,840 just good old physics, and in our case, to be honest, trick bricks. 844 00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:32,280 So don't try and do it at home. 845 00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:35,040 I'm still very strong and hench and butch, though. 846 00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:39,760 But anyway, it must be time for the scores. 847 00:42:39,760 --> 00:42:42,160 And it is fantastic. 848 00:42:42,160 --> 00:42:48,440 In first place, wow, with a plus four, is Ross Noble. 849 00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:49,600 Yeah! 850 00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:56,320 The Noble Prize. 851 00:42:58,280 --> 00:43:01,600 In second place, with a plus one, Noel Fielding. 852 00:43:05,120 --> 00:43:07,000 How did that happen? 853 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:08,440 There's been a mistake. 854 00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:10,160 It's incredible. 855 00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:13,880 In third place, with minus six, Alan Davies! 856 00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:17,000 Thank you very much. Great. 857 00:43:18,280 --> 00:43:23,680 And certainly worth the airfare, in fourth place with minus nine, 858 00:43:23,680 --> 00:43:25,840 - it's Colin Lane. - Yeah! 859 00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:28,760 But... 860 00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:35,160 But, in last place, with minus ten, the Audience. 861 00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:39,200 Hey! 862 00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:41,080 Well. 863 00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:47,880 And it only remains for me to thank Noel, Ross, Colin and Alan. 864 00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:50,800 Whatever you do, keep your kit on. Good night. 865 00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:56,960 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd