1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:09,040 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:34,640 Well, GOOD...evening! 4 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,640 Good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, 5 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:41,000 where tonight, we're cavorting with the K-folk. 6 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,560 Please welcome the kind-hearted Katherine Ryan! 7 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:52,120 The keen-eyed Josh Widdicombe! 9 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,720 The king-sized Phill Jupitus! 11 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:06,320 And kiss my keister if it isn't Alan Davies! 13 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:08,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:14,800 And tonight, their buzzers have a story to tell. 15 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:15,840 Katherine goes... 16 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:19,120 CAVALRY TRUMPET 17 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:20,440 Josh goes... 18 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,760 WA-WA-WA! 19 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:23,800 Phill goes... 20 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,760 DRUM AND CYMBAL 21 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:26,800 And Alan goes... 22 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:29,840 SAWING 23 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:37,120 CREAKING AND CRASH 24 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:39,720 I hope you were sitting the right side of the branch, Alan. 25 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:41,800 So we start in the Kalahari. So tell me, 26 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,960 how did the meerkat cross the road? 27 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:48,120 Carefully. That's not a life-sized one, is it? 28 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:50,120 That's not... Well, it is a life-sized one. 29 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:51,640 I'd say it was in the foreground, 30 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,360 except there's a bit of road before it. 31 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,920 - Yes, it's confusing, isn't it? - It's just a very tiny car. 32 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:57,600 It is, it's a little dinky car. 33 00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,640 Do they cross in a group? 34 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,880 Like, you know when you see those kids 35 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:03,880 - in the reflective jackets... - Yes. 36 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,720 ..snaking across the road with some sort of handler? 37 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:09,280 I think that's what children have. 38 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:13,320 Well, meerkats are, despite their cutesy-cutesy reputation, 39 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,640 they're pretty mean, fierce animals. 40 00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:18,400 And they have levels of superiority. 41 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,720 And the leading meerkat sends across 42 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,160 the less important meerkat to test the road. 43 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,520 - Amazing. - And it's the youngsters... 44 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,560 - That'll be you tonight, Josh. - Do you want me to test it tonight? 45 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,520 - It's your children... - It's your first time, 46 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:32,640 you have to cross the set. 47 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,320 - Unbelievably, it's the children they send. - The children?! 48 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:38,880 They send their little children. 49 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,440 Once again, that'll be me tonight. 50 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,080 Well, we do the same, we do the same with buggies. 51 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:46,040 Right? You push that, that's straight out into the road before you. 52 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:47,200 So, what are they testing? 53 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,800 That it's not going to get hit by a car? 54 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,160 Yeah, exactly. That it's safe. 55 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,200 And if the youngsters get gobbled, they go, "Oh, I'm not going there." 56 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,440 But do they not understand 57 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,480 that there might be another car in a minute? 58 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,240 Well, it seems odd, but all... 59 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:03,800 "No-one's been killed by a car, so we'll all be fine." 60 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,600 Are the tiny meerkats wearing high-vis jackets 61 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:08,080 like human children do, 62 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,440 or do they just rely on their own gorgeousness? 63 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,480 I think they rely on their own gorgeousness. But the leading, 64 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,520 - the sort of head, not exactly... - ALL: Aw! 65 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:16,960 You see, you're all going, "Aw!" 66 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:20,640 I don't fancy that one at the bottom's chances, if that's a road. 67 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,800 No, exactly. He knows he's about to be sent. 68 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,480 That one behind him is just about to do that. 69 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,480 You have alpha females with meerkats 70 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,200 - and, in fact, they kill each other's children. - What?! 71 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:35,080 Yes, they're pretty nasty animals, when it comes to it, I'm afraid. 72 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,000 - They're not very nice at all. - I hate them. 73 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,960 They're child murderers, to be perfectly honest. 74 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,960 Here are three young meerkats crossing the... 75 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,760 HE IMITATES FAST CAR 76 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:46,080 IMITATES HORN BEEPING 77 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:47,960 Two have spotted the vehicle. 78 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,520 Will the youngest one...? 79 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,120 Barry did not. 80 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,760 Unfortunately, because of the adverts, 81 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:03,040 a lot of people have bought them as pets. 82 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,640 And they very soon abandon them because they're smelly, 83 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,280 they're aggressive and they attack people they don't know. 84 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,600 But do you know what, these people have never died 85 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:13,120 - crossing a road, have they? - No, they haven't. Exactly. 86 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,800 And the meerkat, always worried 87 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,080 that someone's about to kick them in the knackers. 88 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:20,440 They do have that look too. 89 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:24,280 It looks like someone's about to take a free kick, doesn't it? 90 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:25,760 It does. 91 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,720 The only thing that could make that picture even more gorgeous 92 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,400 would be three tiny pianos. 93 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,840 Meerkats know each other by their calls individually 94 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:37,440 and you can send a meerkat almost insane 95 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:40,320 by recording one meerkat's voice that it knows, 96 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:41,640 playing it in a certain area 97 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,280 and then whizzing round to another area and playing it again, 98 00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,720 - and it will... - Why would you do such a thing?! 99 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:50,960 - It's very mean, but they get utterly baffled by the fact... - Barry! 100 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,720 How can you be in two places at once? 101 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,160 There is no meerkat called Barry, by the way, but it's... 102 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,520 - Oh, come on, there will be. - No. 103 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,120 But you could do that with a human voice, because we recognise 104 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:03,240 everyone through their voices as well, don't we? 105 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,480 - True, but we also know about recordings. - Oh, yeah. 106 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:10,040 - So they would probably guess. - It's a trick missed. 107 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,880 - Maybe you don't. - There was a time when only one person 108 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,960 knew about recordings. Ho-ho! He had great fun. 109 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:19,360 Well, there you go. The meerkat road safety code 110 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,720 is to send the kids across first. 111 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:25,000 Now, Alan, why will you never eat my noodles? 112 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,920 It was bound to happen that this show 113 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:32,000 would just become about you two. 114 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:36,400 Just haven't agreed on a fee, have we? 115 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,520 If you remember, we're involving people 116 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,080 from countries beginning with K. 117 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:44,640 - Kenya. - Well, which have a particular association perhaps with noodles. 118 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,560 - Kent. - Kent! 119 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:51,200 Famous for the Kentish pasta. 120 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,440 No... East. 121 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,000 Korea. 122 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:59,080 Thank you, Josh. In Korea, noodles, of course, are very popular. 123 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,440 Of course. 124 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,760 "When will I eat your noodles?" means... 125 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:05,000 "When are you getting married?" In other words, 126 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,920 when are you going to be throwing a party 127 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,560 in which you will serve noodles? 128 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:09,880 So it's just a Korean phrase. 129 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,360 - It's like saying, "When are you going to tie the knot?" - Oh. 130 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,880 When am I going to eat your noodles? 131 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,600 But you're already married, so I'm not going to eat your noodles, 132 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,320 and you didn't invite me to your wedding. 133 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,680 - I did invite you, you didn't come. - Oh, that's right. 134 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,680 LAUGHTER 135 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,240 I was abroad, of course. 136 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,360 - I was abroad. - Yeah, you know what you were doing, 137 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,760 - you were filming an episode of Bones. - Yes, I was, I was. 138 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:35,120 - I've never been so insulted in my life! - I'm so sorry. 139 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:38,880 I'm so... Oh, God, how embarrassing. I'm so sorry. 140 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:42,360 Anyway, that's what it means. Here are some other Korean phrases... 141 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,560 "The other man's rice cake always looks bigger." 142 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,160 What would be the British equivalent of that? 143 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:49,720 "The grass is always greener." 144 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:53,040 Or as my uncle used to say, "The other man's arse is always cleaner." 145 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,840 "If there are too many ferrymen on a boat, 146 00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,400 "it will sail up a mountain." 147 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,480 Is that just literal? 148 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,760 Well, yes, it's probably... Maybe. 149 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:08,480 If they say that in North Korea, the boat is going up the mountain. 150 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,520 - That's true. - "Too many cooks spoil the broth." 151 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,200 Too many cocks... Too many cooks spoil the broth. 152 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:20,720 "So, Stephen, tell me about your childhood!" 153 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:25,320 OK, here's one. "Pummelling a dead monk." 154 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,280 LAUGHTER 155 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,640 THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER 156 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:32,680 Yeah, but if you've got erectile dysfunction, 157 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:34,200 you're pummelling the dead monk! 158 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,680 - "Flogging the dead horse?" - It's flogging a dead horse. 159 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,880 It's criticising an enemy who's already defeated. 160 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:41,840 It's a useless exercise. 161 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:46,240 "He worked as if he were tending the grave of his wife's uncle." 162 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,840 - That's brilliant. - What would that mean? 163 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,200 - I might start using that. - Not much. 164 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:55,120 - Yes, is the answer. - He did bugger-all. 165 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:58,520 Because in Korea, it is your duty to tend the graves of your family. 166 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:02,400 But the more distant the family, the less attention you give the grave. 167 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,920 So all he was doing was just, basically, 168 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,120 sprinkling a little bit of water on the... 169 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,360 It's only his wife's uncle. 170 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,680 Whereas his grandfather, his father or his mother, 171 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:13,080 he'd be putting flowers and giving it great attention. 172 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,520 - So that's what that means. - So like "shagging the dog." 173 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:16,840 Not really. 174 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,200 Not really, Katherine. 175 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,240 Is there something you want to share with us? 176 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:22,400 "Like shagging the dog?" 177 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,600 Yeah, like, if you don't work very hard, 178 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,120 you're just shagging the dog. 179 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,400 LAUGHTER 180 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,160 Not in this country, madam! 181 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,080 In this country, when we shag a dog, we know what we're doing. 182 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,360 And it's pretty hard work, I can tell you. 183 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,200 Not as easy as it looks, I tell you that. 184 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:47,800 - So in Canada, you have the phrase "shagging the dog"? - Yeah. - Wow. 185 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,600 Or like, "shagging the sheep," if you want, whatever. 186 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,040 That's not a phrase. 187 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:54,840 Again, perfectly common practice over here, 188 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:59,200 but not considered a light or unburdensome task. 189 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,560 It just means, like, having an easy day. 190 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:08,800 - There's a lot I have to learn about Canada. - Well, I suppose it's easy 191 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,680 because with, like, a lady, you have to take her out to dinner 192 00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:13,080 or woo her a bit, but with a dog, 193 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:14,840 it's just like, "Here, boy, come on!" 194 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,120 Oh, I see. 195 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,640 You say that, you say that... 196 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,400 But I'd say once he's here, 197 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,640 most of the work is still to be done in that situation. 198 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,240 Yes. And I'm thinking it... Oh, let's move on. 199 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:33,200 So, "You wouldn't notice even if a friend at the same table died." 200 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,360 - What can that mean? - The food was delicious. 201 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,760 Absolutely spot-on! 202 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,560 - APPLAUSE - Well done! 203 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:46,800 Yeah. The food was so damn good that even if a friend died at the table 204 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:49,240 you wouldn't notice, cos you'd... Brilliant, well done! 205 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,000 - PHILL: That's pretty classy. - That is classy, isn't it? I like it. 206 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,200 Someone dies at the table, you're going, "Could I see the dessert menu?" 207 00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:00,960 That's how good it was. "My eyebrows are on fire." 208 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:04,080 - "I can hardly believe what I've seen." - Nnnn... 209 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:05,560 - No? - Aaaa... 210 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,000 - It... Ears on fire? - "Help me, I'm burning!" 211 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,160 "I'm in a really desperate situation." 212 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,560 Yeah, "I'm in a desperate situation." 213 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,320 "Showing off your wrinkles to a silkworm"? 214 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:20,840 You have found a silkworm in your underpants. 215 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,720 Silkworms are pretty wrinkly. 216 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,360 So if you show your wrinkles to a silkworm, he's going to go, 217 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,040 "Nah, I can do better than that." 218 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,840 - So it's like teaching your grandmother to suck eggs. - Oh. 219 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,200 It's... That's what it means. 220 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:38,520 - Imagine how wrinkly a silkworm's knackers are. - Exactly. 221 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,960 And finally, "He disappeared like a fart through hemp pyjamas." 222 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,960 I think that one speaks for itself, doesn't it? 223 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,080 It does. It's a Korean phrase. 224 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,320 "Awkwardly," basically. 225 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:57,320 Embarrassingly, awkwardly, not with maximum grace. 226 00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:01,800 Now, who are these men and what did they have for breakfast? 227 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:05,120 - The guy there, front left... - Yes? 228 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,120 ..he looks like he's having a Calippo for breakfast. 229 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:11,880 He does, doesn't he? He does. 230 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,280 It's a very early Calippo commercial. 231 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,880 A very early Calippo commercial, absolutely right. 232 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,760 They've got the lifestyle element of the Calippo commercial all wrong. 233 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,000 Calippos have changed over the years. 234 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:28,040 Bizarrely, when first made, they were for poor mining regions. 235 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:29,680 Well, this is a poor village. 236 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:33,040 Is that the Dales? Is it Yorkshire, is it in the North? 237 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,040 - It's not, it's remoter. It's British, but remote. - Oh. 238 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,360 - Is it Devon? - Hebrides. 239 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:40,240 The Hebrides is right, and it's the remotest of all of them... 240 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,760 - Kelp. - ..and the largest. - Seaweed, do they eat seaweed? 241 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:43,960 They don't eat seaweed. 242 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,240 They lived, for a thousand years, this community... 243 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:49,280 - On kittens. - On Calippos?! 244 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:52,720 For a thousand years, this community was isolated from Britain. 245 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,360 They lived on gannets and skuas and puffins. 246 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,200 It's the largest puffin colony in Britain, 247 00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,120 the largest gannet colony in the world. 248 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:04,400 - So can you think of the name of the island? - Is it...? No, I can't, no. 249 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,920 It's St Kilda. St Kilda. 250 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,280 And who was St Kilda? 251 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,640 I'll give you ten points if you can tell me. 252 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:14,240 - Patron Saint of Ducks. - Was St Kilda male or female? 253 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:15,440 - Male. - Male. 254 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,200 - No. - Female. 255 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:21,680 No. No. St Kilda was not a saint. 256 00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:24,520 It's merely, unfortunately, a sort of... 257 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:25,760 Font? 258 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,720 It's an old Norse word for a shield, "skildir," 259 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,560 and it just became St Kilda. 260 00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:34,880 But it's not a saint at all. 261 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:36,720 So it's known as St Kilda. 262 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:40,520 And it wasn't until 1930, the last 36 natives of St Kilda 263 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,440 voluntarily left their ancestral home. 264 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:44,840 But, oddly enough, 265 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,960 they were given jobs in the British Forestry Commission, 266 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:52,000 and there hadn't been trees on St Kilda for 1,500 years, 267 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,480 so none of the St Kildans had ever seen a tree before. 268 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,160 And they were given jobs in forestry. 269 00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:59,400 - IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "What the fuck is that?!" 270 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,920 I imagine, I mean, because they're big... 271 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:07,640 - Trees are big. - I mean, the reaction - "Argh! Orks!" 272 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:10,760 - So did they want to come to Britain? - Sorry? 273 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,480 - When we brought them all over here in the '30s... - Yeah? 274 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,040 - ..weren't they resistant? - No, no, it's voluntary. 275 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,800 I mean, this was a place that was so windy 276 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:21,280 that, literally, sheep were blown off the cliffs. 277 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,440 It's terribly sad. 278 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,400 And there was one windy period where for a week afterwards, 279 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:27,880 they were all deaf. 280 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:30,880 I mean, it really... It was a pretty hostile climate. 281 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,160 I'm still very confused, 282 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,280 cos I feel like until you told me about the wind 283 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,200 and the dead sheep, it sounded like a beautiful place to live. 284 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,800 - And now, yeah. - Because it's sunny and, like, in the '30s, 285 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,720 nobody wanted to live here, no offence. 286 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,320 It now sounds a bit more like Canada, doesn't it, to be honest? 287 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:47,200 Wahey! Sorry. No, no, no, I'm only kidding. 288 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:50,360 And it's like, you know, they had all these delicious birds, 289 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,160 like the original Nandos. I... 290 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,720 - I would like to live there. - Yeah. 291 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:58,000 I want to find St Kilda and see what they're about. 292 00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:59,640 I dare say you could visit it. 293 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,520 What we saw was actually the parliament, the men only, gathering. 294 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:05,720 - What? - Wow. - That's their parliament, and they talk until... 295 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,440 - Cabinet meeting. - Are they split down the middle by party? 296 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,720 They talk about what the issues of the day... 297 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:12,960 "I'm holding the Calippo, it's my turn to speak." 298 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:20,200 The worst thing is that dog in the middle is the Prime Minister. 299 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,040 PHILL: No, he's the Minister of Forestry. 300 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:26,320 No trees and dogs. That's just cruel! 301 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:29,280 In the middle of the 19th century the first apple arrived in St Kilda 302 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,000 which caused absolute astonishment. 303 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,440 Wait until they see the apple tree, they'll go mental! 304 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,920 Exactly. Wait till they see the trees. 305 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:39,280 - There's a Disney movie in this, I really love this place. - There is, isn't there? 306 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,880 Were they allowed to have sex with their family? 307 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:45,240 I would imagine it was almost inevitable that they would have done, I'm afraid. 308 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,640 I grew up in a remote area. I had four people in my year at school. 309 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,560 - Where? - In Devon, on Dartmoor. 310 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:54,600 - Really? - Yeah. Wow, oh, in Widecombe? Or near Widecombe? 311 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,800 - Nearby. Two boys, two girls. - Were you home-schooled? - No. 312 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,000 - It'd work. - That was like all the kids around me. 313 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,560 So this is quite familiar to you, then? 314 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,800 That's my dad, third from the left. 315 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,640 And the prison bell went... Was Dartmoor... 316 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:11,720 No, no, I was at a school. 317 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,800 - But when a prisoner escapes they ring the bell, don't they? - Yeah, but... 318 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,040 Did that ever happen? No... 319 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,960 Well, it's not that loud a bell, so I don't think it happened... 320 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,080 I don't think my parents would have told me. 321 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:26,680 Wouldn't it be terrible if it sounded the same as the break bell so you never know... 322 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,720 "Is it break or serial killer?" 323 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:34,760 You'd come in from the playground and there'd be an extra guy in your class that was 40. 324 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,600 Arrows on his suit. 325 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:40,000 And you had the little ponies, the Dartmoor ponies? 326 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,760 - Yeah, miniature ponies. - Oh, wonderful. 327 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:44,400 Yeah, it's a little bit more romantic than growing up in... 328 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:48,360 - Where did you grow up? - I... Barking in... 329 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,120 - And Chigwell, are we... - Loughton. 330 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:53,760 Loughton, I beg your pardon. Essex. 331 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,400 And I was in Norfolk, which has its own charm, and you were in... 332 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,920 - Ontario somewhere? - I'm from a place called Sarnia. 333 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,800 - Sarnia? - Yeah. - How far is that from Toronto? 334 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:04,000 You just go through a wardrobe... 335 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,880 LAUGHTER 336 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,640 APPLAUSE 337 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:14,360 "Look, Mr Tumnus, don't do that to the dog!" 338 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,840 - It's just like that. - Is it near, like, Peterborough, Hamilton, 339 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:20,920 those sort of places? 340 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,320 - You know a lot about Canada. - Yes, I do. 341 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,280 I say it's three hours WORSE than Toronto. 342 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,240 Oh. Well, they say of Toronto, 343 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,440 it's New York run by the Swiss, don't they? 344 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,800 It's kind of charming, but just a little bit too sterile. 345 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,080 I hated Switzerland, have you been to Switzerland? 346 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:39,080 No, I don't like Switzerland either very much. The Alps are charming. 347 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,840 I paid seven quid for a cup of tea. 348 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,080 - No?! - Yeah. - Mug. 349 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,720 A cock up, really. 350 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:50,680 Anyway, anyway, let's move on. 351 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:54,400 Where should you go to find Kiev railway station? 352 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,200 Other than Kiev. 353 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,360 - ALAN: - Well, now... - Oh. 354 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,400 Hull, did you say? 355 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,200 Yes, Stephen, Hull! 356 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:06,480 - Let the siren go off on Hull... - Nobody's guessed. 357 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,160 Nobody guessed you'd say Hull. 358 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,560 Kettering! Let's work our way through. 359 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,040 - No, no, no... - Is there not one? There must be one. 360 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:17,080 There is a Kiev station. It's in a very major city in Russia. 361 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:22,760 - Moscow. - Moscow. And it's the station that takes the trains to Kiev. 362 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:26,480 - ALL: Oh! - So they have a St Petersburg... 363 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,760 They have a St Petersburg station as well. 364 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,960 If you want to go to St Petersburg in Moscow, you go to St Petersburg station. 365 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,400 There's a kind of logic to it. 366 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,440 A huge number of towns and cities in England have a London Road, for example, 367 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:41,400 that go TO London, they're not IN London. London Road isn't in London. 368 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:44,320 RUSSIAN ACCENT: This is why I do not understand London. I go there... 369 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:52,000 Newcastle is not here! It is in Newcastle, which is stupid. 370 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,520 That's why the signage has to be so explanatory 371 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:59,160 cos the Russians won't help. They don't want to give any customer service over there. 372 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,320 - Have you been? - They don't. 373 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:03,160 - RUSSIAN ACCENT: - It's not possible. It's not possible. It's not... 374 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:04,920 Read the sign, don't speak to the people. 375 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:07,360 - True, and, of course... - I was in Red Square, in Moscow, 376 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:11,000 and I wanted to have a photo taken, and there was one of those guys 377 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,560 - with the massive peak caps and the green uniform. - Oh, yes. 378 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,800 I asked, "Would you take a photo of me?" 379 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:18,640 And he said, "No". 380 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,680 They... 381 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:22,840 They are very good at being rude. 382 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:27,080 "I've been watching you, half an hour, standing there looking pissed off. 383 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,880 One person's asking for a little thing. 384 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:34,640 I just went like that, with him in the background. 385 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:39,720 Very good. 386 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,880 APPLAUSE 387 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,960 So, where is the Kremlin? 388 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,160 - Oh, I know this. - Yes? 389 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,880 It's... There's more than one. 390 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,520 Excellent, you're absolutely right 391 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,880 - because almost every Russian city has a Kremlin. - Does it really? 392 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:57,520 Yeah, it's... The fortifying walls originally around a city are a kremlin. 393 00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:00,240 We know a famous one, which is the one in Moscow, 394 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,560 but there's one in almost every city you can think of in Russia. 395 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,040 Very good, Josh. 396 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:08,160 RUSSIAN ACCENT: I go to Cardiff looking for Tower of London. 397 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,160 Is this country stupid? 398 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:17,160 And also, your women pop groups, they on television, not in prison. 399 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:20,720 Now, there you go. Here's a question... 400 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,720 If you follow a kulgrinda, where will it get you? 401 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,080 Oh, oh, oh, it's not... No. 402 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,160 - It's not that... Oh, no. - What? - No, that thing... 403 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,720 - What could you be thinking? - That thing, that application. 404 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,600 - That thing... - I can't imagine what you're talking about. 405 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,520 Yes, you know, you know, you know... 406 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,520 Turn it on now, how many are in the studio? I bet... 407 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:44,680 I imagine your outfit will set it off straightaway, Phill. 408 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:46,920 I'm just bear bait. 409 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:48,800 This is not, this is nothing to do with... 410 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,880 - No, it's nothing to do with that? - ..the gay man-on-man action app, no. 411 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:53,280 OK. 412 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,920 Kulgrinda is spelt K-U-L-G-R-I-N-D-A. 413 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:02,840 It's a rather remarkable thing that exists in the Baltic. 414 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,880 Particularly in Lithuania, 415 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,000 but also in Kaliningrad. 416 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,560 A naturally occurring phenomenon? 417 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:11,320 No, it's a man-made phenomenon, which is a very cunning way 418 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:12,800 of deceiving your enemies, 419 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,440 running away from them, or causing them to drown. 420 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,320 Making a misty fog thing? 421 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:18,920 No. What you do is 422 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:23,320 you make stepping stones that are under the water... 423 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:24,360 A cunning thing. 424 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:26,800 ..which are enough for you to stand on, 425 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,520 but only you know where they are. 426 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,880 The really cunning thing is how you lay them. 427 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,760 In the winter, it's incredibly cold, 428 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,280 so you get these huge stepping stones, put them in a line 429 00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:40,960 across the ice, and as the ice melts, they drop and form a line. 430 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,840 And if they're big enough, you can actually drive a coach over them. 431 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,920 I mean, you've got to be pretty sure you're going to be chased soon, 432 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:48,600 to go to that trouble. 433 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,840 The Estonians and Kaliningradians were pretty often at war. 434 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,200 - There was a lot of war going on. - It'll happen this year. 435 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,880 "I think we will be chased in the summer." 436 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,640 They were often invaded. 437 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,120 "Which way shall we go? Over the river..." 438 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,120 "I'm going to make a kulgrinda, will you help?" 439 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,200 "Only if you're certain about this chase. 440 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,880 "Tell me more about it, who's involved?" 441 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,000 Basically, you set it up 442 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,000 and then you start a game of 'It' in about June. 443 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,520 RUSSIAN ACCENT: I tried to walk across River Thames, 444 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,960 they don't have kulgrinda, it's stupid. 445 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:27,680 I hate this country. 446 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:31,840 That is very similar - your Lithuanian accent - to your Russian accent, by the way. 447 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:36,400 - They're really... Did you not here the "eell, eell, eell"? - Ah, yes. 448 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,840 The most famous one is the Sietuva swamp, 449 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:43,760 which the Lithuanian explorer Ludwik Krzywicki 450 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:45,400 navigated by coach in 1903. 451 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,760 And he wrote that at the deepest point, 452 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,560 the water was up to the sides of his horse. 453 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,040 So they're really impressive little things. 454 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:55,320 I'd say the most famous one is the one Jesus used. 455 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,400 That's true. 456 00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,440 - To trick everyone in the Bible. - That's true. 457 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,840 That's very true. But, here's a supplementary question - 458 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,840 where can you get arrested for wearing a seat belt? 459 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:12,680 Oh, is this... Is it... Oh. Is it somewhere where the road is by water? 460 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,920 Well, we're still in the Baltic region. 461 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,560 In Estonia they have lakes that freeze over 462 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:20,680 and there are roads on them, you can drive on them. 463 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:24,120 But... And you can see that. And you can drive along them 464 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:26,880 because it's 22cm thick, the ice, and it won't give way, 465 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,920 but you're not allowed to wear a seat belt 466 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,480 in case you slip over or something and you get trapped. 467 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,640 So, it's actually safer not to wear a seat belt. 468 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,920 The other thing... Why would this be? 469 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:41,960 You mustn't drive between 25 and 40kph. 470 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,040 Is it like Back To The Future? 471 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:50,600 - Vroom! - Flame-coloured from your DeLorean! 472 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,600 - You can drive faster? - Yes, you can drive faster or slower, 473 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,840 - but not between 25 and 40. - Not between those? 474 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,360 - Yeah, those particular speeds. - Same speed as a polar bear. 475 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:02,800 No, it's a bit like marching over bridges in step. 476 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:04,880 - Oh, is it to do with... - Oh, it's the vibrations. 477 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,560 It sets up vibrations that might crack the ice. 478 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:10,480 - Those particular speeds. - Why wouldn't a faster... 479 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:12,400 Is it just those speeds, the resonance... 480 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:15,920 At those speeds it's the resonance, yeah, just something to do with the frequency. 481 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:20,360 Interesting, isn't it? Well, we hope it's interesting, otherwise to hell with this programme. 482 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:25,000 The US Antarctic Program, the other side of the world, 483 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,240 near McMurdo Sound, 484 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:29,400 they, every year, construct... What do they construct on the ice? 485 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:32,480 - I mean, it's... - ALAN: - Massive ice Jenga. 486 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,600 - It's also to do with transport. - Ice plane. 487 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:39,680 - Well, not an ice plane, but a... - Boat. 488 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,680 - PHILL: An airport. - Yeah, a runway. 489 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,640 A runway, so they can land their planes at McMurdo. 490 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,720 Yeah, they have to redo it every year. 491 00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:53,040 - How do they grip it? - It's... Ice, you know, it's not too bad. 492 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,800 What? Ice isn't too bad to grip?! 493 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,880 - Have you seen Dancing On Ice? - Not that sort of ice. 494 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:02,240 - Dancing On Ice is all that sort of... - That's what they said to the pilot. 495 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:04,760 "Oh, no, actually, it's not as bad as you think. 496 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:07,920 "It's not the sticky ice, it's the other one." 497 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:11,720 "We landed two hours ago and we still seem to be going along." 498 00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,240 There's an element of that. 499 00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:19,560 All right. Now, what is there to say about long-necked Karen? 500 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:22,160 She's got lovely eyes. 501 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:27,360 Yeah, you're always the first to see the nice... 502 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:29,880 That's one of those Family Fortunes ones, isn't it? 503 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,640 - We've had this before. - Oh, yes. "Survey said..." 504 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:34,880 "Name a bird with a long neck." 505 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,640 And the bloke goes, "Naomi Campbell." 506 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,520 - This is clearly not Naomi. - No, Emu. 507 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:50,320 Karen is the answer here. Who is this Karen? 508 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,400 Tom Cruise always likes girls, like, tall girls with long necks, 509 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,600 but then he doesn't let them wear heels around him. 510 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:57,720 No, because he is not the tallest man in the world. 511 00:24:57,720 --> 00:24:59,880 Well, then why date the girls with the long necks? 512 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,560 So they can spot predators. 513 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:06,600 - Say again... - Tribe, is it a tribe? - Tribe. 514 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,680 - The Karen tribe. - The Karen tribe. 515 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,960 "Oh, hello, all right? Lovely to see you." 516 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,760 "Hiya, you all right?" 517 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:17,560 The neighbouring Tracey tribe... 518 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:19,320 - ALAN: - Argh! 519 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,880 - They hate the Traceys. - "Stay away from Gary!" 520 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,200 Here come the Garys. 521 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,000 - HE GRUNTS - "Bovered?" 522 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:36,280 But the tribe we're talking about, the Padaung Karen tribe, from...? 523 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,400 - Do they put rings round the...? - Exactly, let's have a look at them. 524 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,680 - Extending over time. - There we are, look at that. 525 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:44,160 - Oh, my word. - Wow! - Wow, isn't that impressive? 526 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:48,040 It looks like she's kind of been bred with a Slinky. 527 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:53,640 - They're so-called giraffe-necked... - At the end of the day, "Oh!" 528 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:54,960 Well, they can't... 529 00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:57,960 LAUGHTER 530 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:06,000 "Beryl, Beryl, why are the curtains on the...? Oh." 531 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,920 You know when you have a jack-in-the-box ready to go? 532 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,080 - Oh, yes. - P-ding! 533 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:15,560 Maybe that's what would happen, rather than go down, it just goes... 534 00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:21,160 The surprising thing is that X-rays show that their necks... 535 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:26,680 They can't have any more vertebrae, can they? 536 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,440 No. X-rays show their necks are not longer than normal people's. 537 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,760 - So what's going on? - It's just that we're all hunchy. 538 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,360 That does look quite long, but it's actually what's lower 539 00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:36,480 - is the collarbone, or are the collarbones. - Wow. 540 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,880 They're supposed to wear them until they get married, 541 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:40,760 but a lot of them keep them on forever. 542 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,760 It's a sign of beauty, traditionally, 543 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,480 although it's supposed also to protect them against tigers, 544 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:49,480 who will attack them by the neck. That's one theory. 545 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:50,920 That is great, I always thought, 546 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,680 OK, maybe they're sacred, all right, it looks pretty... 547 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,440 - Tigers! I'm totally with it now. - Yeah, it's tiger-proof. 548 00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,760 - Put those around your neck. - Exactly. - All right. 549 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,440 Most of them now live in Thailand, having fled Burma, 550 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:04,400 and you can pay to go and see them. 551 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:07,600 There's another nearby tribe, who also wear brass coils, 552 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:13,280 not only around their necks, but around their lower knees and arms. 553 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:17,800 I don't think this is so mad, really. I think... I get it with the tigers 554 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:20,920 and here, you've got Katy Price doing loads of crazy stuff 555 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:23,320 to her body and all her friends, and they look lovely, 556 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:26,280 but they're, like, orange and they've got fake hair and fake nails, 557 00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:30,360 - how is this worse? - You're absolutely right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 558 00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,840 APPLAUSE Yeah, girls, yeah. 559 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,920 Points to Katherine, naturally, for that good observation. 560 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:40,120 Now, just how badly wrong could a house-warming go in one of these? 561 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:46,600 - Nice house. - That man is a big fan of the show. 562 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:53,520 Let's see the rest of him, go on, it's past the watershed. 563 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:57,640 - The house doesn't look warm at all to me, it looks cold in there. - It does look cool in there. 564 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,280 All of his guests have to arrive by helicopter. 565 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,880 "Doreen, I love squirrels, what can I say?" 566 00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:07,160 - Well, we've looked at the Karen tribe... - Is this real? 567 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,480 This is another tribe, these are the Korowai tribe. 568 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:13,000 They're a New Guinea tribe who live entirely in tree houses. 569 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:16,040 They are the only people in the world, apart from the Kombai, 570 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:19,560 another tribe, who also live only in tree houses. 571 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,160 Each house lasts on average about five years 572 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,440 and then they rebuild somewhere else. 573 00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:27,960 They take their pets up, everything, and that's where they live. 574 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:30,160 How do they go to the toilet? 575 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,680 Well, the long drop, I guess, is the answer. 576 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:37,760 - What? You're walking past... - Yes! Don't walk past is the answer. 577 00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:39,640 They are roofed with leaves from branches, 578 00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:43,880 like a house you'd see anywhere, to stop the rain getting in and... 579 00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:46,280 With a little pediment, it's very splendid. 580 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:47,960 Once installed, though, 581 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,760 they celebrate by lighting a ceremonial fire, 582 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,000 the whole thing's made of wood, 583 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:56,360 but it's kept safe by suspending the fireplace in a hole in the floor, 584 00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:59,120 and if the fire gets too big it just drops down to the ground. 585 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:01,920 - You'd think it would set fire to the struts. - Burn the whole forest. 586 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:03,880 Yeah! but it seems to work, 587 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:06,240 they've been doing it for a very, very long time. 588 00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:09,960 One of the marvellous things about them is they had no idea at all 589 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:15,200 that there were any other human beings in the world until 1970. 590 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:17,680 That is pretty astonishing. 591 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,280 Anyway, the Korowai have open fires in their houses, 592 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:23,240 even though they're made entirely of wood and 30m off the ground. 593 00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:24,840 Now, where's the best place to keep 594 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:28,200 a load of old rubbish from the 1980s? 595 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:30,800 - My loft. - Your loft?! 596 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,400 No, this is a story you're not likely to know, 597 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,840 but it is a 16-year voyage of a ship. 598 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:42,080 It's called the Khian Sea, trying to offload rubbish from Pennsylvania. 599 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:46,680 In 1986, it was loaded with 15,000 tons of non-toxic ash, 600 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,240 bound for dumping in the Bahamas. But they said no, 601 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,280 so they went to Puerto Rico, Bermuda, the Dominican Republic, 602 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:55,200 Honduras, Guinea-Bissau and the Netherlands Antilles. 603 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:56,440 They all said no. 604 00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:59,720 Then they cunningly re-classified the cargo 605 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:02,440 as "topsoil fertiliser" 606 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:05,800 and managed to get rid of 4,000 tons of it in Haiti. 607 00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:08,080 And then they were rumbled and sent packing. 608 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:11,760 So they then went to Senegal, Cape Verde, Yugoslavia, Sri Lanka, 609 00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:13,520 Indonesia and the Philippines. 610 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:17,080 And then Singapore, where she was found to be empty. 611 00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,960 And then the captain and the ship's executives admitted 612 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:23,080 they'd dumped the ash at sea and were jailed. 613 00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:25,200 And at the insistence of Haiti, 614 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:31,040 the ship had to go back to pick up the 4,000 tons they'd left behind. 615 00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:34,600 So eventually, Pennsylvania, where it originated from, 616 00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:39,000 took it back, and in 2002, 16 years later, 617 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:43,480 it was off-loaded and taken by train to a landfill just 120 miles 618 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:45,480 where it had originally come from. 619 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:48,520 How impressive is that? 620 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,000 I quite like the idea of that boat sailing around 621 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:53,760 and the captain, with a teaspoon, just going... 622 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:03,920 Like in a prison yard, bring it out of the bottom of his trousers. 623 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:07,600 And the amazing thing is, it wasn't toxic, 624 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:09,960 it's just people didn't want American rubbish... 625 00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:12,280 Don't say anything. Erm... 626 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:16,960 - How does ash go away? - You landfill. 627 00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,440 - That's it? - Yeah. 628 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:22,680 Eco-friendly Sweden uses so much waste 629 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:27,040 to power its generators that it actually has to import rubbish. 630 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:31,560 And Norway pays Sweden to take 80,000 tons a year, 631 00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:33,120 which Sweden then turns into power 632 00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:35,920 and then they send the ash back to Norway for landfilling. 633 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:39,920 - So why don't we all do that? - Why? Exactly. Good old Sweden. 634 00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:43,840 - Let's hear it for the Swedes. Yay! - APPLAUSE 635 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:47,680 They're good, we like the Swedes. 636 00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:49,880 One of the Maldives, unfortunately, Thilafushi, 637 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:53,560 is an artificial island made entirely out of rubbish, which is really distressing. 638 00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:56,320 The country's residents and tourists produce so much garbage, 639 00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:59,960 the island is growing by one square metre a day. 640 00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:03,160 - That is really, really upsetting, isn't it? - Ay, Chihuahua! 641 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:05,800 I haven't been recycling for the last month because... 642 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:08,720 - PHILL GASPS - I saw your face then, I was like... - Yeah. 643 00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:11,720 ..Cos someone stole my recycling bin from outside the front of my house. 644 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:14,840 - Oh! - Which I don't know what the morals are on that crime. 645 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:18,040 Are they good for sledding? I bet they're great for sledding. 646 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:20,760 Was it you? 647 00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:22,920 I just got the lid. 648 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:26,720 Were you luging on Josh's lid? 649 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:30,880 - How wrong of you, how wrong of you. - What did you just say?! 650 00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:31,920 Luging. 651 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:34,840 - That's when you go... - Yeah, but it's just that combination of words. 652 00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:36,920 - I know, well, that's what we like. - Yeah. - Yes. 653 00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:38,880 - It's fun. - Delicious. 654 00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:42,480 There's a shop at the end of my road that takes clothing 655 00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:44,120 and they send it to Africa 656 00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:46,560 and they give you money for it, and I was thinking, 657 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:48,840 "Great, I've got lots of designer baby items," 658 00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:52,040 and so, I brought all this stuff down, like cute little things, 659 00:32:52,040 --> 00:32:53,480 I'm showing them to the guy... 660 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:58,440 He doesn't care what it is, he just cares about how much of it there is. 661 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:01,920 - In weight or volume? - They weigh it, so if you've got, like, big old trousers, 662 00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:05,160 you get more money than if you've got beautiful little baby stuff. 663 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:07,800 - And where's this shop? - It's right... 664 00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:14,800 I took some stuff to my local charity shop, some clothes, 665 00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:17,000 and I've become increasing irate 666 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:19,960 that I haven't made the window display yet. 667 00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:23,400 Yes, never give a gift you've been given to a charity shop, 668 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:26,760 cos that will go in the window and your friend who gave it to you will pass it. 669 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:29,560 - Believe me, I've done it. - Buy it and give it to you again. 670 00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:31,760 Yes, exactly. 671 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:33,800 LAUGHTER 672 00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:38,560 Oh, dear, and so the whirligig of time brings in its revenges. 673 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:41,920 Now, name the nearest Third World country? 674 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:44,800 - Oh, steady, we could get into all sorts of trouble. - Yes, you could. 675 00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:45,960 Oh, hello. 676 00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:48,360 I'm not going to make any jokes about our near neighbours 677 00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:52,880 - on this fine island. - Good. Let's just say... 678 00:33:52,880 --> 00:33:57,240 it's as well that you didn't say Wales, or Scotland. 679 00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:00,240 I'm too scared to answer. 680 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:03,760 Let me give you the original definition of a Third World nation, 681 00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:05,680 then you'll be less embarrassed, all right? 682 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:09,000 - French historian Alfred Sauvy coined... - France! 683 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:11,240 ALARM WAILS 684 00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:16,800 - We jumped the gun. ..coined the phrase... - Oh, Stephen! 685 00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:21,080 ..the Third World, "le monde troisieme," in 1952. 686 00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:25,840 It meant "states not politically aligned with the USSR or the USA," 687 00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:28,480 ie, the Soviet Bloc or with America. 688 00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:31,960 So any state that wasn't in some way politically aligned 689 00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:33,520 was called Third World. 690 00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:35,440 Now, which is the nearest one of those to us? 691 00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:37,640 France was, although it wasn't a member of NATO, 692 00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:39,920 - it was politically aligned. - Ireland wasn't, was it? 693 00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:41,800 Ireland is the right answer. 694 00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:44,880 - The one I was most afraid of saying. - Oh, there, you see! 695 00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:47,960 It's only more recently that it became a term meaning poverty. 696 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:51,160 And nowadays, of course, it's not a politically correct 697 00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:54,280 word to use, anyway. We don't say a Third World country, we say...? 698 00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:57,440 - Developing. - The developing world, exactly. 699 00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,920 We say a vibrant tourist destination. 700 00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:03,400 Absolutely, bravo! That's exactly what we say. 701 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:06,760 - Unspoiled, we say, unspoiled. - Unspoiled, exactly. 702 00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:09,560 There is Fourth World, however, what does Fourth World refer to? 703 00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:13,240 - Essex. - LAUGHTER 704 00:35:13,240 --> 00:35:16,680 You're lucky you can get away with that cos you come from there, 705 00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:19,200 but the Center for World Indigenous Studies 706 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:22,480 says it means, essentially, dispossessed people, 707 00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:25,280 such as Kurds or Romanies and such like. 708 00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:27,480 They are Fourth World. 709 00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:29,840 If you're Irish in Britain there's something you can do 710 00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:31,880 that you can't do if you're British in Ireland. 711 00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:33,960 - Piss in the street. - Open a theme pub. 712 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:38,200 "Piss in the street!" "Open a theme pub!" 713 00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:41,200 Riverdance! 714 00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:44,720 - Yeah, sing in pubs. - No, it's really an important right. 715 00:35:44,720 --> 00:35:49,480 - Vote? - Vote! Amazingly, Irish citizens living in Britain 716 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,080 can vote in British general elections. 717 00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:54,160 British citizens living in Ireland 718 00:35:54,160 --> 00:35:57,000 cannot vote in Republic of Ireland general elections. 719 00:35:57,000 --> 00:36:01,720 Now, which country's national anthem is the Land Of The Free? 720 00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:03,560 America? 721 00:36:03,560 --> 00:36:06,640 - ALARM WAILS - America is not the right answer, I'm afraid. 722 00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:08,120 They sing it. Beyonce sang it. 723 00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:11,560 It's in the lyrics - "The home of the brave and the land of the free," but... 724 00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:15,840 - Is it somewhere incredibly not free? - No, it's free. - Free-ish? 725 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:18,480 It's the only flag of an independent sovereign nation 726 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,520 that has human beings on it, two of them as a matter of fact. 727 00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:23,880 - Are they copulating? - They're not copulating. 728 00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:26,440 If it's any help to you, they're chopping wood. 729 00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:29,640 - Are they dancing Gangnam Style? - It's one of those freaky islands, isn't it? 730 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:32,000 - Oh, it's... - "One of those freaky islands!" - Well, it is! 731 00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,760 One of the lines is, "By the might of truth and the grace of God, 732 00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:38,600 "no longer shall we be hewers of wood." 733 00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:40,160 Mordor. 734 00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:42,320 LAUGHTER 735 00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:44,440 Give us more clues, we can get this, come on. 736 00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:46,800 - It was once a British possession... - Belize. 737 00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:49,560 - Yes! - Come on! - Very good! 738 00:36:49,560 --> 00:36:51,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 739 00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:54,280 - Very good. - PHILL: Very good. 740 00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:57,360 Belize, formerly known as British Honduras 741 00:36:57,360 --> 00:37:00,600 and it says the national anthem is called the Land Of The Free. 742 00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:03,440 The name of the American national anthem is? 743 00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:05,120 - ALL: - The Star-Spangled Banner - 744 00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:08,440 "Oh, say, can you see by the dawn's early light," et cetera, et cetera. 745 00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:11,080 - Who wrote the words for that, do you know? - Jay Z. 746 00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:17,240 It was a man called Francis Scott Key and what's interesting about him... 747 00:37:17,240 --> 00:37:21,440 - Joe Biden is absolutely hating that! - He's not looking happy, is he? 748 00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:25,440 - And neither is the other guy. - PHILL: "I wanted to sing it! 749 00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:29,400 "I have a beautiful, piercing alto, yeah." 750 00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:33,440 Anyway, Francis Scott Key gave his first three names to 751 00:37:33,440 --> 00:37:35,400 a distant cousin 752 00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:39,440 who was Francis Scott Key, surname, 753 00:37:39,440 --> 00:37:42,000 one of the greatest writers of the 20th century. 754 00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:45,800 - Fitzgerald? - Yes, F Scott Fitzgerald's real name was 755 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:48,520 Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald because he was a cousin of the man 756 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:50,680 who gave us the words of the Star-Spangled Banner. 757 00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:55,120 And finally, a really easy one, does the Paris-Dakar Rally 758 00:37:55,120 --> 00:38:00,680 start in Paris and end in Dakar, or start in Dakar and end in Paris? 759 00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:04,520 It starts in France and ends in Africa. 760 00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:07,920 - Oh! - ALARM WAILS 761 00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:10,200 Sorry. Anybody else? 762 00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:12,480 - Is it neither? - Yes. 763 00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:14,400 - Well, I know it ends in Africa... - It doesn't. 764 00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:15,920 ..so I presumed it started in France. 765 00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:18,000 - It doesn't end in Africa. - Where does it end? 766 00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:22,200 - In South America. - What?! - What?! - What the heck?! 767 00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:25,400 No, the Paris-Dakar rally has been held in South America 768 00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:30,000 for the last five years, since threats in 2007 from Al-Qaeda. 769 00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:32,560 And so the organisers relocated it in South America. 770 00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:34,800 - Really? - Absolutely. 771 00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:39,320 The Mongol Rally starts in England and ends in Ulan Bator, 772 00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:41,880 which is the capital of Outer Mongolia, as I'm sure you know. 773 00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:44,120 I'd just take a mobile phone, rather than doing that. 774 00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:47,200 There, you see the... 775 00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:49,560 - The problem is, you can't get the signal. - This is 1990. 776 00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:55,040 It starts in London and ends in Ulan Bator. 777 00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:56,440 And what route does it take? 778 00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:58,040 A2. 779 00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:02,080 - The fact is... - He's not wrong. 780 00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:04,400 The fact is, any way you want to go. Because there is... 781 00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:07,080 - A33. - There is no set route, you can just choose to go through... 782 00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:09,080 - Dover, Folkestone. - ..whichever countries 783 00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:10,680 will allow you to get through them. 784 00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:13,000 They don't want to cramp the style of the rallyists. 785 00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:17,480 In India, there's a very good rally called the Blind Man's Car Rally. 786 00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:23,160 A 40-mile race in which blind navigators use a Braille map. 787 00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:27,280 The drivers are sighted, but they must adhere to the directions given 788 00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:30,720 by their unsighted navigators, who are using Braille. 789 00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:32,720 Even if they know it's going to be a collision? 790 00:39:32,720 --> 00:39:34,680 "Left, left, left!" 791 00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:41,800 Anyway, now we have a Knick-Knack exploding custard powder experiment. 792 00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:44,680 For something to explode, you need certain things. 793 00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:46,880 You need something to light - 794 00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:49,200 in this case, custard powder. 795 00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:50,720 You need something to light it with 796 00:39:50,720 --> 00:39:52,200 and you need oxygen. 797 00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:54,080 But you need a little bit more than that, 798 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:56,800 because if I try and light this custard powder, you will see... 799 00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:00,840 ALAN IMITATES EXPLOSION 800 00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:04,080 ..that nothing happens. 801 00:40:04,080 --> 00:40:05,880 The trick custard powder, ha-ha! 802 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:08,000 I blew his arm off! Ha-ha! 803 00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:10,240 It doesn't... The whole point is, nothing happens. 804 00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:12,720 Nothing would happen to that, it's custard, you fool. 805 00:40:12,720 --> 00:40:14,640 I bet Heston could make it burn. 806 00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:16,240 Ah. He couldn't in this state. 807 00:40:16,240 --> 00:40:19,960 - No? - What you need, in order to get something like custard, 808 00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:24,160 or any powder, even metallic powder, to burn and really burn, 809 00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:27,320 is one of these ordinary everyday objects like this. 810 00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:35,320 As you may see, I have a funnel and I have some safety glasses, 811 00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,640 to save my beautiful eyelashes. 812 00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:41,200 And I have a lighter. 813 00:40:41,200 --> 00:40:43,440 I miss Jacques Cousteau. 814 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:46,520 And I have a pump. 815 00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:49,400 ALAN IMITATES DIVER'S BREATHING 816 00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:51,800 I have a pump that rather wants to fall over. 817 00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:54,360 So we'll just raise this here... 818 00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:58,000 - HE CONTINUES TO IMITATE DIVER - ..so it doesn't fall over. OK... 819 00:40:58,000 --> 00:40:59,560 What I'm going to do... 820 00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:02,520 I don't want to know what you're going to do! 821 00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:07,920 What I'm going to do is - I'm going to pour the custard powder 822 00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:10,680 in this funnel. And I'm going to... 823 00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:12,960 I'm going to present a flame across it. 824 00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:17,720 - Oh... - Yes. Yes. Be afraid, be very afraid. 825 00:41:17,720 --> 00:41:21,200 - Can I use Alan as a human shield? - No, you're the shield, you're new! 826 00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:28,080 - Oh, my God! - Ooh, ho-ho! - There's flame, 827 00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:31,560 - there's custard powder in there. - "I feel the need! 828 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:33,320 "The need for speed!" 829 00:41:33,320 --> 00:41:36,360 - All I need to do... - Where are you going?! 830 00:41:36,360 --> 00:41:38,480 Why the fuck am I next to it?! 831 00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:40,080 I'm going to the pump. 832 00:41:40,080 --> 00:41:43,040 I'm just going to the pump, 833 00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:46,600 - because I'm going to pump... - We are now nearer than you! 834 00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:48,880 Can you see what I'm going to do? I'm pumping air... 835 00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:52,320 There's just too many double entendres, you pumping custard. 836 00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:57,200 Stop it. Are your ready for me to pump the custard?! 837 00:41:57,200 --> 00:41:59,000 Oh, my God, don't do it! 838 00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:01,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 839 00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:03,720 All right. 840 00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:06,760 Oh, God! 841 00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:09,400 Yes, I'm ready for you to pump your custard. 842 00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:11,840 I need a countdown from the audience. 843 00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:14,000 This is not how I wanted to go, I've got to be honest. 844 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:17,400 Audience, I want you to count me down from three... 845 00:42:17,400 --> 00:42:19,480 AUDIENCE: ..two, one, 846 00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:20,520 go! 847 00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:23,560 AUDIENCE CHEERS 848 00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:26,640 Wasn't that dangerous! 849 00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:29,640 Well, it's quite warm there, actually. 850 00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:33,000 - Can you feel the heat? - Yeah, I can feel the heat. 851 00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:36,000 - SHOUTING: - If I'd been sitting there, I could have been igni... 852 00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:37,800 - QUIETLY: - I could have been ignited. 853 00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:40,560 You could have been covered in hot custard. 854 00:42:44,480 --> 00:42:48,040 I told you before you did this experiment! 855 00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:53,320 Which hot and exciting experiment brings me 856 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,800 to the little matter of the scores. 857 00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:58,000 And they are fascinating. 858 00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:01,000 In last place, although he's played it so many times, 859 00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:03,000 with minus nine, is Phill Jupitus. 860 00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:05,760 APPLAUSE 861 00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:14,760 A highly creditable third place, with minus eight, Katherine Ryan. 862 00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:17,080 APPLAUSE Wow! 863 00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:24,120 First appearance, second place, with minus seven, it's Josh Widdicombe. 864 00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:26,800 APPLAUSE 865 00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:30,960 Ladies and gentlemen, can you believe your ears? 866 00:43:30,960 --> 00:43:34,000 14 points, in the lead, with plus seven, is Alan Davies! 867 00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:36,600 CHEERING 868 00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:48,000 Enormous thanks to Katherine, Phill, Josh and Alan. Good night. 869 00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:13,200 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd