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This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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and welcome to QI, where tonight we're all kings for a day.

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Joining me at court are

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His Majesty King James VI, Jimmy Carr.

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APPLAUSE

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His Majesty King William III, Bill Bailey.

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APPLAUSE

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His Majesty King Jeremy the... Only, Jeremy Clarkson.

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APPLAUSE Thank you.

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And King Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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So, before we commence our battle royale, let the trumpet sound. Jimmy goes...

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ORNATE FLOURISH

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Bill goes...

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ORNATE FLOURISH

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Jeremy goes...

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ORNATE FLOURISH

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And Alan goes...

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PARTY HORN

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Why am I not surprised?

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Here are some kings I'm sure that you're utterly aware of,

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but can you tell me how they got their nicknames?

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These are all real kings and their real nicknames.

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Is this what people called them

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while they were actually on the throne?

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Cos history is always written by the victor... By the victor.

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..and therefore you have got William the Conqueror,

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who was probably called William the Weak. Yeah.

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Well, he was probably William the I'm Going To Give This A Go.

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Why don't we have that now any more?

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Why isn't it Queen Elizabeth the German. Or...

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Constantine - you should be able to guess where he comes from.

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Sorry... Greece.

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Has your crown slipped?

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Yeah, it's... Look, it's done that, you see, that's a...

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Like that.

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It's a medieval torture.

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Yeah, this is what they put round royal dogs

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to stop them nibbling their stitches.

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Imagine the crown-maker...

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Has your head lost weight? Yes, it has, yes.

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He's lost even more hair than when we started! Sorry. Yeah. That's right. That's very unfair.

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Yes, I do apologise. It's just...

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You're welcome to take it off.

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We're going to need a bigger king. See if you can abdicate.

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No, that's going to hurt.

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It's like watching a two-year-old take their clothes off.

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JIMMY: Try and get it down the other way.

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Shall I try and go through it?

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Yeah, try and go through it. I think this is...

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LAUGHTER Come on, Bill.

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APPLAUSE

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And that's the last we ever saw of him.

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That's not a good look.

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I was thinking of Zoidberg from Futurama.

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You, honestly, you look fine. You look fine.

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That's so like something out of Lord Of The Rings now.

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Even more than ever.

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I'm going to put this as my passport photo.

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"What do you do?" "I'm a fighting king. What do you want?!"

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But you can take it off now, you can all take off your crowns.

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Oh, God, thanks, thank you.

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Feel more comfortable. Thank you very much, yes.

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So, this brings us to these names. Names, right. Constantine...

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Constantine the Great, the first Constantine was? Was he a Greek?

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Well... He was a Roman Emperor,

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but he moved the capital from Rome to his new city, Constantinople.

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And he became Christian,

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and this particular one is a descendant of his

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who became very unpopular

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and so his enemies claimed that, when he was baptised,

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he was so nervous that he pooed in the baptismal font.

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Ah, we've all done that!

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We've all had nights out. Yeah.

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So they called him Kopronym, which is the Greek for Crap-Name.

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Oh, I see. Poo-Name. Kopronym.

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Was he christened, then, as a child or as an adult?

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I think... Because it's worse, I think, as an adult.

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Yes. Either way, it's embarrassing if you're an emperor

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and that's all they call you - Poo-Name.

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You're still an emperor. I'm still emperor.

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So what were the other ones? Let's have a look.

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See if you can have any sort of mild guess.

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Louis the Universal Spider.

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He was actually Louis XI of France.

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There were a lot of Louis,

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so what sort of century would Louis be? I'll give you ten points

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if you're in the right century. Fourteenth. Oh, fifteenth.

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In the 1400s. That's what I meant.

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That's what they call the quattrocento,

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these days they do, don't they? Oh, yeah...

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Could he climb up the water spout? No! That wasn't it.

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It's because he had webs of conspiracies all across Europe.

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Oh. It wasn't because he got stuck in the bath?

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No, he was friends of Philip the... Spaniard.

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Philip the Good.

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I thought it was going to be Philip the Fly.

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"The Good" shows a lack of imagination, doesn't it?

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Yeah. Yeah, the Good.

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Good's good though, isn't it?

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It's better than Dave the Satisfactory.

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That's the best you could have hoped for on your reports.

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That's probably what channel we're on now, as people are watching.

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APPLAUSE

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Yeah. Graham the Outstanding.

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I think he was called Good

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unfortunately because he pursued so many crusades

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which is not considered good these days. Went off to the Holy Land and killed people.

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We'd never do that today(!) No. No. As if!

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So the next one is King Eystein the Fart.

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Is that meant to say Einstein? No. It is Eystein.

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He got it wrong? Eystein the Fart. Eystein the Fart.

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So he farted once?

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No, "Fart" is Norwegian.

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Audience, do you know what "Fart" means in this context?

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AUDIENCE MEMBER: Speedy. Speedy, fast. Exactly. Speed, quick.

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Oh. So it's just a typo, really.

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No. It's correct in Norwegian.

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It's lost a little bit in the translation.

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He travelled a lot

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and he was also the first source we have in writing of ice-skating.

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He described his own "ice legs".

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Fshhh! Exactly.

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Yeah. Oh, ice legs.

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But he was succeeded by his son, whom you will like,

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who has one of the best names, I think, of any king.

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Halfdan the Mild.

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Halfdan the Mild?

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Ah. Surely that's a "half a mile, please, Dan"? Isn't that?

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That's pretty good. Halfdan the Mild.

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Yeah. Foreign policy was like, ah, it'll be fine.

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I think that's lovely.

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I've never understood why they don't do that with warships.

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HMS Mild.

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Instead of Intrepid... HMS Weak. Vulnerable.

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The Vulnerable, that'd be a good one to serve on.

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HMS Unarmed.

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HMS Help.

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HMS Colander, that would be a good one.

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Right, let's go to King Ragnar.

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Why was he called what he was called?

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Hairy Breeches. Oh, um...

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Was he very hairy? He wore hairy breeches.

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His wife made them out of animal hide

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and they, supposedly, were there to protect him.

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But as you can see, he's here being killed. How's he being killed?

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By his own trousers.

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No. Did she kill the animals before she made the clothes?

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His Viking ship capsized off the coast of Northumbria,

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and he was thrown into a pit of poisonous snakes.

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What, in Northumbria?

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By the King of England at the time, King Aella.

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Where did he find these poisonous snakes from? Adders.

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Yeah, but that wouldn't kill him, though.

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Adders, that would give you a bit of an itch.

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They're not really poisonous.

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It may be a made-uppy story.

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But Ragnar was eventually avenged by his son,

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who was called Ivar the Boneless.

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That's a great name.

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He'd be called Ivar the Viagra these days. Yes!

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He could get through railings. Yeah.

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And he got his revenge on King Aella...

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It's a pretty good superpower.

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Didn't one of the Fantastic Four have that?

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In Valiant comic there used to be Janus, who was an escapology person.

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A bottom with a J in front.

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Yes, that's right. And he could get through tiny gaps.

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Oh!

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LAUGHTER

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Ah, there you are.

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There you go. Janus. Every week, he seemed to be in a situation...

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A Janal situation!

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..where it would be really helpful if he could get through a tiny gap.

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I don't know how the writers kept coming up with these scenarios

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where the only solution was for Janus to get through a tiny gap.

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But he was always going through drain grids and that sort of thing.

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And avoiding the door that was open.

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That'd be too easy! Quite often he'd forgotten his keys.

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That's King Ragnar, the Hairy Breeches,

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being killed by King Aella, looking down on him in the pit.

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But he was avenged by having his ribs opened

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and his lungs spread out against his chest, which was known as...

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Say it again. AUDIENCE MEMBER: The Blood Eagle.

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Very good, yes. Audience, ten points.

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He wasn't that boneless if he had a ribcage, then?

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No, he did it to the man who killed his father.

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Well, then presumably this person was... It was against his will.

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Yes, it was very much against his will.

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Yeah. It wasn't just, "Come on then, wa-ay!"

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Help yourself. The thing to have done

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would have been to put hinges in before he arrived.

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It would have been like a cabinet.

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See? Fill your boots.

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I saw a documentary about heart surgery

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and to get through the sternum, they used a power saw.

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I mean, it was... ALAN WHIRRS

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Did you think you could open it like a Western saloon bar?

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It's kind of hard to get in there. Yeah.

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Or a little toffee hammer. And it takes a lot longer.

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Yeah.

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Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding...

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When they say he's been in surgery for eight hours,

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it's not eight hours doing the surgery, that's just the knocking-through.

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Why don't they just use a big hammer?

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No, that's a crude instrument.

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It's a very small power saw.

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It's not a huge... I mean, it's not a great big one.

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No, it's not a logging thing. STEPHEN MIMES POWER SAW

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It's a tiny... ALAN WHIRS GENTLY

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But when you're over a certain age,

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they can't risk doing that to you any more

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and they actually go up through the...thigh.

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Penis. Not the penis!

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Well, you were going, "Up through, up through..." the penis.

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What a pity. Pee-hole surgery.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Requires a steady hand, obviously.

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Don't be absurd, they go up through the anus.

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Oh, of course. Oh, dear!

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So sorry, Stephen. They go up through a major...

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Yeah, like your mate, through the tiny cracks in the...

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Janus.

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That's why he was called Janus. I've got a job for you, Janus.

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Oh!

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Up you go. Oh, God!

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Steady, chap.

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Stephen, now, I've got a question about farts. Oh, yes?

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Do you think that farts smell before they come out?

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I'm not going in to find out!

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Quite a philosophical one from you, Alan.

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If you went up someone, when Janus goes up to do the heart surgery...

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Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

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You wouldn't have to hold your nose, is what I'm saying,

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you'd be free to use both hands.

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If you have a colonoscopy...

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If you were to have a colonoscopy, 24 hours before,

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you have to take these unbelievably powerful...

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Hallucinogenics.

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APPLAUSE

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Whoa! Oo-ee!

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Ho-ho, I'm being taken by a space octopus!

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ORNATE FLOURISH

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Oh! I didn't even touch it!

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How does it always end up like this on QI?

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We were talking about kings and it was all noble.

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The thing that Alan said about does a fart smell when it's in you,

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has anyone ever tested to see how quickly

251
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,120
asparagus makes your wee smell?

252
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,520
Oh, it's amazingly quick.

253
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:33,080
There are some people to whom that doesn't have the effect.

254
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,960
Just as some people have their pee going red when they eat beetroot

255
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,640
and other people don't. I don't go red when I eat beetroot.

256
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:41,240
Oh, God, not pee. What are you talking about?

257
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:44,440
Have you never heard the disaster? What do you mean? Other juice?

258
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,160
We're back on shitting, but...

259
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:50,360
I was having a poo one morning and turned round and it was bright red.

260
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,280
STEPHEN GASPS And I just thought, well, that's it.

261
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,280
That's arse cancer. LAUGHTER

262
00:12:55,280 --> 00:13:01,640
And so I thought, well, fair enough. I've had a great life, just relax.

263
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:05,520
And so this went on for several days and each morning, bright red.

264
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,240
Bright red? Yeah. Beetroot.

265
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,120
Ha! You shouldn't put them there.

266
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:14,720
The relief! LAUGHTER

267
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,600
But what would have... If you'd just have thought, "That's it",

268
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:20,520
and then you just go on a bender for five days.

269
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,560
Ha! Phone up all your ex-girlfriends.

270
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:26,000
For three days I didn't tell anyone. I was a bit weepy. Oh, really?

271
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,280
Then I mentioned it to somebody who said, "Have you been eating beetroot."

272
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,840
And I had, I'd bought a load of beetroot salad. That was it.

273
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,920
I had a very similar experience.

274
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:38,400
"Oh, my God! I'm an alien."

275
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,600
So I then phoned the doctor and they go,

276
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:42,600
"Oh, you better bring a sample in."

277
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,360
So got a sample in a jar and went in the doctor's -

278
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,520
obviously keeping it out of sight -

279
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,720
and went up to the desk

280
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:55,720
and they said, "Name", you know, "B Bailey", like that.

281
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,240
And then they said, "What's it for?"

282
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,880
I went, "It's an abnormal bowel movement", like that.

283
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:05,280
They went, "No, what's the initial for?" I went, "Oh, Christ!"

284
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:11,120
"You didn't hear that!"

285
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:12,560
Brilliant.

286
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,840
Pushing on, name a cobra beginning with K.

287
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,120
King.

288
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:21,480
KLAXON Oh, Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy.

289
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,800
A king cobra isn't actually a cobra.

290
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,080
It has its own genus, which is in fact ophiophagus,

291
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,760
which would tell... It sounds like "off your face."

292
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:31,200
Off-a your faces?

293
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,480
No. Ophiophagus. Phagus means?

294
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,840
Eating. Eating. Ophio...

295
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,680
It means snake. So it's actually a snake-eating snake.

296
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,040
A snake-eating snake.

297
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:43,520
Yes, it is, that's right. I saw a cobra eat a snake.

298
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,800
The true cobras belong to the genus Naja,

299
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:48,320
and that includes the kaouthia and the katiensis,

300
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,200
the Malian cobra, if you wanted to know.

301
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,200
Ah, so close!

302
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,680
Well, maybe you can make up for your lack of points

303
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,560
by making the noise that a king cobra makes.

304
00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:00,360
I'm just going to get that klaxon again, aren't I?

305
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:03,760
It doesn't make a noise. It does make a distinctive noise.

306
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,400
Was it... All right, OK. "Hello!"

307
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,640
Very good. So just imitate a king cobra if you can.

308
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,840
Does it hiss? JEREMY BARKS

309
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,760
We're all... Meow!

310
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:14,920
KLAXON Does it bark?

311
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,200
Oh, you did the hiss.

312
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,200
I didn't, it wasn't me, I was barking.

313
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,480
No, no, no, Alan did the hiss.

314
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,480
You did the bark, so you get points back. So does it hiss? Does it hiss?

315
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,440
It barks. What do you mean, it barks?

316
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,560
It barks like a dog. It barks. Like a dog.

317
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,520
Who does the research? Do you want to hear it?

318
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,680
It just seems that we should get some... OK.

319
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,200
Here we go. Here, here we go. SNAKE BARKS

320
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,160
There you go. There's no way that that's a snake!

321
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,800
It is a king cobra. Fact.

322
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,760
Bring him out, bring him out. Bring him out, yeah.

323
00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:44,800
Just to prove it...

324
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,040
AS EAMONN ANDREWS: You thought he was over there,

325
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:48,920
but he's here tonight. Please welcome...

326
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:51,600
I'm sorry. Can we hear that again?

327
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,720
Stephen Fry's barking cobra. It was a guess. Ssh.

328
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,280
SNAKE BARKS A barking cock-alike.

329
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:59,440
ALAN BARKS It feels like if we play that a few times,

330
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:03,560
it would sound like the TARDIS. Shall we just...? OK, keep going.

331
00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:06,600
See if we can... SNAKE BARKS REPEATEDLY

332
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:12,000
Anyway, it has a little sort of special place in its trachea

333
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,920
and a kind of kazoo-like membrane and it makes that noise.

334
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,480
I'm surprised we didn't know that.

335
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:20,600
Wait a minute, a kazoo, a kazoo-like membrane?

336
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,160
Well, a membrane, yeah.

337
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:28,080
It doesn't sound like one, I grant you. It doesn't sound like one.

338
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,480
OK.

339
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,360
What else is interesting about king cobras? How venomous are they?

340
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,040
Really venomous.

341
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:35,760
More venom than any other snake.

342
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,840
It's not AS venomous, but they've more of it.

343
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,400
They've got more of it, and then they envenomate more often.

344
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,520
They venomate a lot. And they chase you.

345
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:46,160
Yeah. So they're really bad. They chase you while barking. Yes.

346
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:47,640
With more venom than...

347
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:51,480
It's warning enough to stay away. Yeah. It can kill 20 men, one bite.

348
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:54,880
Or one elephant. One bite can kill 20 men? Yeah. Yes.

349
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:57,200
No, you're not going to get 20 men who are linked

350
00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:00,200
unless you've been watching Human Centipede or something.

351
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,000
AUDIENCE: Oh!

352
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,720
A strange number of the audience!

353
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:09,480
So, now... Oh, dear, why are we just always in this region?

354
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,040
It's so unfortunate.

355
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,000
Why might a Frenchman want this up his bottom?

356
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:18,320
Cos the French love shoving things up their bottoms.

357
00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:20,280
KLAXON

358
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:26,320
Who knew, who knew I was going to go there?!

359
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,360
We knew it was you, yeah.

360
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,960
Of course! It's true that if you ask for an aspirin in France,

361
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,400
their first action is to... Oh, straight up the bottom.

362
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:36,160
Is it to get tapeworms? No, it is a surgical instrument

363
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,320
and it was devised for one particular...

364
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,200
What's our theme this evening? Kings.

365
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,320
Who's the most famous King of France? Louis XIV.

366
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,360
Louis the XIV, the Sun King.

367
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,960
Yes. And he was very fond of riding, and enemas,

368
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,760
as they all were in those days. Was he constipated often?

369
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,160
It was worse than that, he developed a condition

370
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,000
which has a particular name. And...

371
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,480
Faecal concreting.

372
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,280
It's in the faecal area.

373
00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,000
I don't know, I just made it up.

374
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,760
It's when a duct appears between two organs

375
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,160
and connects them - they shouldn't be connected,

376
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,160
it causes great pain and it's called... That's a hernia.

377
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:13,000
Ask ribcage man, he'll know. It means a little pipe and it is?

378
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,040
Fistula. Fistula. Fistula.

379
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:18,040
They're very good, this audience. Yeah.

380
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,200
Are we doing QI Historical Embarrassing Bodies?

381
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:25,040
Anyway, Louis XIV had a terrible fistula, and his doctor...

382
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:28,160
Oh! Oh, no. That's the dilator.

383
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,000
Oh, no.

384
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,440
That's to dilate. That's what they used for the common man! No.

385
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,480
The King had to have that too, he had to dilate it with that.

386
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,520
I'm afraid that would have hurt a lot.

387
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:40,840
Yes, but you still haven't got to why he'd want to

388
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:42,160
put a cobra up his bottom.

389
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:46,200
That was in order to pierce and slice the fistula. What?!

390
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:49,360
Yeah. And it worked. Really? It worked.

391
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:52,160
So Felix de Tassy, the doctor, was given an estate

392
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:55,440
and became hugely popular. And no less than 30 courtiers,

393
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,480
mimicking the King, said, "Yeah, I've got one of those too."

394
00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:01,080
You know, it's a really cool thing to have,

395
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,480
suddenly having a fistula was THE thing at Versailles.

396
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:06,360
So he had this huge order book, basically. But to be fair to him,

397
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:07,760
he didn't perform the operation

398
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:09,080
on anyone who didn't need it,

399
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,200
he was good enough to spot when people were faking,

400
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:12,880
just by trying to mimic a king.

401
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,640
Was that invented for the King? So presumably the doctor said,

402
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,680
"Come in, pop up on the table." Yep. "Pop that off for me,

403
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:22,480
"and I'm just going to put this up your bum. If it doesn't work..."

404
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:25,080
What is the instrument on the left? Does that have a name?

405
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,880
I don't know if it actually has a name, I guess it's a fistula...

406
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:29,920
It's called a...AAAGH!

407
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:33,920
APPLAUSE

408
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:42,360
It's now used as a toothpick, of course.

409
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:44,480
Yes, the King's relief.

410
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,960
A fistula scalpel... If you want to pick your teeth

411
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,960
from the back of your throat... Oh, dear! Can't get to my back tooth! Don't worry, sir,

412
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,080
we'll go in the other way.

413
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:54,680
But as I say, the weird thing is

414
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,120
that 30 courtiers pretended to have this condition

415
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,800
so that they could boast about having had the royal operation.

416
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:04,840
Erm, anyway. Moving on. What has 20 legs,

417
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,040
five heads, and can't reach its own nuts?

418
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,840
Oh! Wait, hold on.

419
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,880
20 legs, what? Five heads. Five heads.

420
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,480
Westlife.

421
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:16,920
Oh!

422
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,800
Oh, you're so lucky. You're so lucky.

423
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:24,280
I know what the klaxon was. I presume the klaxon... Shall I?

424
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,760
Yeah, go on. One Direction?

425
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,520
KLAXON Whoa!

426
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:34,080
I've thought, I've got to go somewhere a little bit away...

427
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,480
You're so behind, Jeremy, it's very sweet.

428
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,880
Some kind of hideously mutated tyrannosaurus squirrel.

429
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,600
It's got the word king in it, oddly enough, and it's... Is it a plant?

430
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:46,800
It sounds like a Gypsy band, but it's the Squirrel Kings. Squirrel Kings.

431
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,360
What would Squirrel Kings be? The best squirrels.

432
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:52,200
Well, oddly enough, no, it's really unfortunate,

433
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,560
normally they squirm around on the trees,

434
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,800
but sometimes trees exude a sticky sap.

435
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,040
Yes. And when that happens

436
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,680
and the baby squirrels get their tails in the sticky sap,

437
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:02,160
their tails get stuck together,

438
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,880
and you can get this, where they're absolutely stuck together.

439
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,280
AUDIENCE: Aww!

440
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:12,960
Oh, that's fucking hysterical. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

441
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,080
Seriously, they get stuck together?!

442
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,960
You are so bad. The audience goes, "Aww!"

443
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:25,320
It's not... That's the funniest thing I've ever heard of!

444
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,600
They're never going to be organised enough to say,

445
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,800
"Right, ready, steady, all run off in different directions."

446
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,920
They'll never be able to do that. I'm afraid they will all perish.

447
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:37,720
If you saw the damage squirrels do... They are appalling rats.

448
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,680
Talking of rats, people call them tree rats,

449
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:42,160
and the phenomenon was first spotted in rats in Germany

450
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,120
and in museums and universities in Germany

451
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:45,840
there are examples of huge rat kings,

452
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:48,640
where rats have been shoved together and preserved in alcohol.

453
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,520
That's a vast one - pretty disgusting-looking, as you can see.

454
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:55,240
Rats can fall asleep in the sewer, and they sleep together for warmth

455
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:58,080
and then they can urinate while they're asleep,

456
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:01,520
so they're all just lying in their own urine. I can do that.

457
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:06,680
And then sometimes they get so cold that the urine then freezes

458
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:10,360
and that kills them. They die in their own frozen urine.

459
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:13,320
Ah. Ooh. Thank you for that fact.

460
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,520
I'm sure you'll get points. It's a beautiful story.

461
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:19,040
Don't change a word of it!

462
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,240
Which trees? Are they lime trees that cause this?

463
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,120
I want to know specifically. Is it a lime tree?

464
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:27,680
Just one that exudes a lot of sticky sap will do you. Lime.

465
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:32,160
Lime does exude a lot of stuff, and some trees, of course, exude a lot.

466
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:35,240
You could just buy some sort of maple syrup and just put it in the garden.

467
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:37,320
I'm thinking treacle...

468
00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:40,560
Treacle! What about glue? Yeah, glue!

469
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:41,880
LAUGHTER

470
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,480
Glue only sticks people's fingers together,

471
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,480
you know that, everybody knows that.

472
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:49,480
Superglue, you nail a car to a wall with it. You can't.

473
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,200
It will only glue...

474
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:53,960
Fingers together.

475
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,200
Have you ever spilt any on your inner thigh?

476
00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:00,880
What were you trying to do?

477
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:03,480
But it was meant for skin. On battlefields, exactly.

478
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,080
The only thing...

479
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,640
That's all it can actually do is be a battlefield wound.

480
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,000
If you try and glue a teapot lid back together again...

481
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,480
Doesn't work, I know. What was it invented for?

482
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:17,000
In the Vietnam war when they had battlefield wounds

483
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,160
and they didn't have access to be stitched up,

484
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,000
they developed this glue.

485
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,680
It sticks skin together. So they seal the wound up,

486
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,400
get them back to the triage... Yep.

487
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,240
..area, and then treat them.

488
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:29,560
Especially in hot climates like Vietnam

489
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,880
where infections replicate at double, triple, quadruple the speed

490
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:34,760
that they would here in Britain, say.

491
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,120
So they really need to close the wound instanta.

492
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:38,280
Stat, as they say.

493
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:41,640
How do the tails get stuck together? In the rats' case, I don't know...

494
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,320
Not the rats, no, I'm more interested in the squirrels.

495
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:46,160
Why would they... I'm not going to be the one

496
00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:48,720
who teaches you to murder squirrels.

497
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:52,520
It's not murder, it's pest control for the sake of Britain's woodland.

498
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,720
They go up the tree and they get it on their tail?

499
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:58,400
What makes them go near another one? They wriggle over each other

500
00:23:58,400 --> 00:23:59,960
as they look for their mother's milk.

501
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,560
They're baby squirrels? Yes, they're babies. Oh, that's a bit sad.

502
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:06,600
LAUGHTER Oh, he has got a heart, ladies and gentlemen.

503
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:09,520
Yeah. Oh, yeah, we'll catch you in a minute.

504
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:12,400
You'll be caught on camera smearing Pritt on the bumper of your car.

505
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,480
LAUGHTER

506
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:19,880
All right. Now, how could King's Cross Station possibly be improved?

507
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:21,400
Turn it into a car park.

508
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:22,960
Turn it into a car park!

509
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,000
A Wagamama's. LAUGHTER

510
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,000
Well, we're in your area, which is transport.

511
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,560
They've the Harry Potter platform there, haven't they?

512
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:34,280
They do have the Harry Potter platform. They should just let the kids go for it, I think.

513
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:38,560
Occasionally you see someone go, "No, no, just don't."

514
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,560
There should be someone there going, "No, no, have a proper."

515
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:47,640
This was a plan in 1931.

516
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,600
Oh, to improve it? Was it the Germans' plan?

517
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,720
It was the age of optimism and pride and speed and machinery and, oh...

518
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,600
Was it a bit after that?

519
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,720
So it was the roof... Yeah... Glass. Crystal. The roof was flat.

520
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:00,720
Runway. Yes!

521
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,600
It was to have an inner airport for London...

522
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,280
No way, what, land...? ..on the roof of King's Cross.

523
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:07,880
And look at that design. What?!

524
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,640
Why is Boris Johnson messing around with the Thames Estuary

525
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:13,480
when we could have one there? Isn't that brilliant? It's brilliant

526
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:16,680
apart from whoever's in the middle, where there'll be some traffic.

527
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:19,760
It's controlled. I can see where the crashes are going to take place.

528
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:22,280
It's controlled. You have radio.

529
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,800
Wait a minute. That's a device for gluing squirrels' tails together!

530
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:29,800
That would be... Wouldn't that be great? Isn't it? So great, isn't it?

531
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:31,920
And obviously the jet era would have got rid of it,

532
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,640
they're not long enough for jet runways,

533
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,040
but they are long enough for ordinary prop airplanes.

534
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:37,720
Light aircraft could land. They could.

535
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,080
People could commute to London and it would be great.

536
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,400
I know. Really great. And they had elevators designed

537
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,040
so the airplanes would be hangared in and then lifted up.

538
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:46,560
That's not just Form 4B homework.

539
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:48,480
They took it seriously. That was serious?

540
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,080
Yeah. It is lovely, isn't it? I'm very impressed with it.

541
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:54,640
Quite difficult to land on a kind of a bend, though, isn't it, like that?

542
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:56,840
I think you use the straight bits. LAUGHTER

543
00:25:56,840 --> 00:26:00,280
That would have been an amazing pilot's last words.

544
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,160
"This is tricky!"

545
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:08,800
Now, why do more than 300 people need to die

546
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,960
before you finally get a Burger King?

547
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:17,920
Oh. So it's not actually Burger King with a capital B, capital K, then?

548
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:21,240
Well, it is actually, a capital B, very much so.

549
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,520
It's American. No, as in Burger as in Burger of a town.

550
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:26,520
Could be a relative of the Queen's.

551
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:31,600
300 people need to die. Is this King Ralph? Well, it's like King Ralph.

552
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:35,280
300 people need to die for this Burger to become Burger King.

553
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:38,400
Is it about someone who's the 300th in line to the throne?

554
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,760
It's more than 300. Someone called "Berger".

555
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:44,960
Wesley Berger from Oregon is 305th in line to the throne.

556
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:49,640
So if 304 people are killed - and we, between us, can do it -

557
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:51,800
we'll have a Berger King.

558
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:55,320
Surely, at something like the royal wedding,

559
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,040
if something like the roof fell in -

560
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,360
heaven forefend, at the royal wedding - you sort of think,

561
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:02,040
"Who would be next?" It would be Fergie, she wasn't invited.

562
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:05,640
You're right. They must have had him on the phone, going, "You ready?"

563
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:08,760
It's your big day tomorrow if this doesn't work out. Wesley!

564
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,680
Learn the ways of the Force. Is that actually him?

565
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:15,880
That's Wesley, Wesley Berger. This is really interesting, I think.

566
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,480
The law has changed, as you probably know,

567
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:23,600
so that now the first-born will be made monarch, not the first male.

568
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,240
So if, in 1901, when Queen Victoria died,

569
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:28,640
the law we've now introduced stood,

570
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:32,520
who would have become monarch in 1901?

571
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:36,560
Oh, I couldn't care less. I've just remembered. I think you did.

572
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:38,640
It would've been... Oh, wait a minute.

573
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,360
Is it Hitler?! No... LAUGHTER.

574
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:43,160
Is it Marty McFly? No!

575
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:47,640
The first-born daughter.

576
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:51,120
The first-born was a daughter, who was... The Queen Mum. Victoria.

577
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:52,800
Her first daughter was Vicky,

578
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,920
and Vicky died very soon after her mother,

579
00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:59,640
so her son would have been King, and her son was Kaiser William. Oh.

580
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:02,640
So, had we had that law, Kaiser William would have been our King.

581
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,720
And we would now be speaking German, is that what you're trying to say?

582
00:28:05,720 --> 00:28:07,800
Or Germany would have been speaking English.

583
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,960
I would not be speaking German, I wouldn't have picked it up by now.

584
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,760
I'd still be working through my GCSE.

585
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:16,520
That is genuinely fascinating. So in 1914 what would have happened?

586
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:19,360
We would have got rid of the monarchy probably. Right.

587
00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:24,360
So many things. If someone had actually got him a horse, erm... Yes.

588
00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:29,360
He wouldn't have died in a car park in Leicester. No, of course.

589
00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:31,520
That's a hell of an offer - my kingdom for a horse.

590
00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:34,600
It was a one-time offer and no-one went, "Go on, have my horse."

591
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:36,800
Meh...what else you got?

592
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:40,120
I want it in cash.

593
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:42,920
Work out why this is true.

594
00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:45,160
No monarch on the British throne

595
00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:47,520
has ever been descended from Charles II.

596
00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:49,320
But if Prince William becomes King,

597
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:52,640
he will be the first British monarch to be descended. Because Diana...

598
00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:55,720
Because Diana was not just descended from Charles II,

599
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:57,640
she was descended four times,

600
00:28:57,640 --> 00:28:59,280
in four different ways, from Charles II.

601
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:00,880
Four different ways!

602
00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:07,960
Hell of a lady! Think how many ancestors you have from that period.

603
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:12,160
Four of them straight from Charles II.

604
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:14,600
Now, what kind of sick person wants to be touched

605
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:16,320
by a member of the Royal Family?

606
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:17,560
I quite fancied Diana.

607
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,440
Is Pippa Middleton royal? No.

608
00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:26,800
She's not even a weather girl. JIMMY LAUGHS

609
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:32,920
That is perhaps THE most snobbish thing that's ever been said.

610
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,520
She's not even a weather girl!

611
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:36,760
I think she was descended

612
00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:39,320
from the Weather Girls of Saxe-Coburg, wasn't she?

613
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:40,840
She's very nice, I'm sure.

614
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:44,680
Apparently she has a very nice bottom. Is this somebody who's ill?

615
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:49,520
Somebody ill, yes. Ill people for hundreds of years would be killed...

616
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:50,840
Sorry.

617
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:55,280
Ill people for hundreds of years would be cured by Kings of England

618
00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:56,760
or, indeed, France.

619
00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:58,520
They wouldn't really be, though.

620
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:00,480
No, but it was thought that they were.

621
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:04,360
King's evil was a disease, which was in infection of the lymph nodes.

622
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:06,360
Very unpleasant.

623
00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:09,720
And it looked like little piglets, which the Latin for was scrofulae.

624
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:12,760
So scrofula. You've probably heard the phrase scrofulous. Yeah.

625
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:14,680
It was thought that the King touching...

626
00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:17,760
The Confessor certainly was probably amongst the first to do it,

627
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:20,320
would touch people, and give them a gold coin as well -

628
00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:22,040
king's evil - sometimes with a hole in it

629
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,120
so they could hang it round themselves to show.

630
00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:25,880
And the last one to do it was Charles II,

631
00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:28,480
and he touched 92,107 people.

632
00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:31,040
Presumably there's something of the placebo effect

633
00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:34,000
in being touched by the King and lots of people went, "I feel a lot better."

634
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:38,320
If you've got piglets coming out your neck, it's going to take a lot more than a placebo to mend that.

635
00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:40,880
It was stopped... It was relatively recently. George I.

636
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:43,480
He stopped it because it was too Catholic. What, the TB?

637
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:46,560
No, the process of curing people.

638
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:49,120
The superstition was considered too Catholic.

639
00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:51,160
So it was got ridden of.

640
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:54,560
Some cultures have a culture against touching a royal.

641
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:57,000
In the 1880s, a Siamese Princess,

642
00:30:57,000 --> 00:31:00,360
it's around the time of Anna and the King of Siam,

643
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,280
called Princess Sunandha Kumariratana,

644
00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:06,720
drowned because nobody was able to touch her,

645
00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:10,520
they weren't allowed to touch a royal. So she just went down.

646
00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:12,840
But King Menelik II of Ethiopia. He was Christianised.

647
00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:14,480
Men he licks?

648
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:15,920
Menelik. King Men He Licks.

649
00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:23,600
King... King Menelik. Like Yoda!

650
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,760
He liked to cure himself by eating pages of the Bible.

651
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:30,760
Did he? Yes. And he died, basically,

652
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:34,160
choking on the Book Of Kings.

653
00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:36,080
Rather appropriate.

654
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:42,040
Now, kingfishers - most of the kingfishers in the world

655
00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:44,240
live near what? Water. Rivers.

656
00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:46,560
Well, no, they don't. Forests. Kingfishers?

657
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:49,560
No, most of the kingfishers in Britain live near water.

658
00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:51,760
But most of the kingfishers in the world don't. Sea?

659
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:53,160
No. Not near water at all.

660
00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:56,560
Why are they called kingfishers? That's a British word for them.

661
00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:58,800
Because we in Britain see them by the river.

662
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:02,520
They're called kingfishers all over the world. No, they're called "alkuon" in Greek.

663
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:04,960
What do you think we call them...? The Greek for kingfisher?

664
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:07,040
Halcyon, exactly, but it doesn't mean "fisher".

665
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:08,720
There it is, fishing.

666
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:09,760
It's... In Britain.

667
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:14,600
Sorry, why does it...? Fishing again. In Britain.

668
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:18,520
In Britain. The evidence is there behind you.

669
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:22,320
In Britain. No, but if you go to... Go to Africa.

670
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:25,360
Somewhere that isn't Britain. Africa. For example.

671
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:28,960
I've seen a kingfisher not anywhere near a river, you're right.

672
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,680
In Africa... They're mostly all like this.

673
00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:34,280
Mostly in Africa they live in disused termite nests.

674
00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:37,960
It looked lost. They live in disused termite nests.

675
00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:40,440
"You haven't got a fish on you, Bill, have you?" Yes.

676
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:43,080
"I mean, you haven't seen a river round here, have you?

677
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:46,520
"Water or anything?" What is the colour of that kingfisher?

678
00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:49,440
It's a turquoisey really, isn't it? Azure? Turquoise?

679
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:51,440
It's brown. It's brown? Yeah.

680
00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:54,400
This programme's getting more and more ridiculous every week.

681
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:56,160
It is a sort of optical illusion.

682
00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:58,880
In fact, the actual colour pigment is brown,

683
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:00,320
but it iridesces it.

684
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:02,520
I must remember,

685
00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:04,920
I'll go to the middle of the Sahara Desert and get one,

686
00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:07,840
and then put it in a darkened room and see what colour it is.

687
00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:11,000
Yeah. Perfect. Just because it's not near a river

688
00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:13,360
doesn't mean it's in the Sahara Desert. It eats fish!

689
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:17,040
Are you saying that the colour it is

690
00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:18,920
isn't the colour that it appears to be?

691
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:20,800
No, because all colour is perception.

692
00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:23,040
But that's kind of what I meant by colour.

693
00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:25,280
Yeah. But the... That's a bluey colour, that fella.

694
00:33:25,280 --> 00:33:28,120
But if you examine it, in terms of its actual pigmentation...

695
00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:29,880
Right up close. Right up close,

696
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:33,280
rather than where it is presenting, with the light striking it.

697
00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:36,200
Oh, right, so if I examine it without any light. No.

698
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:38,200
Oh, that feels brown.

699
00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:41,120
I just don't understand when you do this on this show,

700
00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:43,240
you go, "That brown thing is a blue thing

701
00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:45,360
"and that blue thing is a brown thing."

702
00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:48,440
I know, but iridescence is a very particular quality -

703
00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:51,000
in the same way that petrol is not rainbow-coloured.

704
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:54,840
You put it on water in a puddle and it seems to be, but it's not.

705
00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:57,440
It's pink. Nobody knows what colour petrol is.

706
00:33:57,440 --> 00:34:01,280
Well, quite, exactly. Yeah, that's right. It could be any colour.

707
00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:03,280
No-one has ever checked.

708
00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:05,360
Nobody's ever gone, "What colour is this?"

709
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:08,680
They used to have pink or blue diesel, didn't they, for farmers?

710
00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:11,680
Red diesel. Which you're not allowed to put in your car, and I don't.

711
00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:13,080
No. Quite right.

712
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:18,040
Evading tax, Jeremy, it's a slippery slope.

713
00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:20,240
All right.

714
00:34:20,240 --> 00:34:22,720
APPLAUSE

715
00:34:22,720 --> 00:34:24,920
Just saying.

716
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:28,440
OK, it's time for a little experiment.

717
00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:31,840
It's our K series - knick-knack.

718
00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:33,680
Talking of colours...

719
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:36,000
Green, yellow and red.

720
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:38,720
What's that brown liquid?

721
00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:43,400
These are all readily available liquids.

722
00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:46,320
This is blue Curacao, which is a sort of liqueur.

723
00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:49,800
This is nothing more nor less than lemonade.

724
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:52,560
And this is pomegranate juice. We're making cocktails!

725
00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:57,920
Excellent. Things are looking right. I'm going to mix them together.

726
00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:01,640
There we are, and they all go into a horrible sort of colour.

727
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:03,280
The colour of a kingfisher.

728
00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:06,200
If you can now put them back.

729
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,680
And then we put these away. It's alchemy.

730
00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:14,760
There we go. I'm going to pour here.

731
00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:17,000
Different colour in a different glass. There we are.

732
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:20,200
Now, this is quite difficult, by the way, to catch on camera.

733
00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:23,640
But nonetheless... Or indeed to the naked eye.

734
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:27,400
No, you hold it up to the light. Just tell me what colour it is.

735
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:29,080
What colour's that?

736
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:35,280
It's reddish. It's got reddy. Yours is? Blue. Blue.

737
00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:38,160
So you're seeing red and you're seeing blue. What can the reason be?

738
00:35:38,160 --> 00:35:40,600
The shape of the glass. Simply that.

739
00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:44,440
It's the width of the glass. I work with James May, I know these things.

740
00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:48,600
It's a taste sensation. What do you make of that?

741
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:54,400
You might just see on camera... It's quite sweet. It's quite sweet.

742
00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:57,400
My teeth have gone the same colour as Jeremy's.

743
00:35:57,400 --> 00:36:00,320
It's gone the colour of a kingfisher.

744
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:03,640
You should be able to see on camera here, this one is both.

745
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:07,840
No, I can see that. The top bit is purple and the bottom bit is blue.

746
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:10,960
Yes! You're the best science teacher we've ever had!

747
00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:14,080
Credit where credit is due.

748
00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:17,640
Let's have congratulations for this beautiful experiment,

749
00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:20,080
which was devised by Doctor Alice Bowen.

750
00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:23,160
Well done, Alice. APPLAUSE

751
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,440
Now, let's see if we can get some points back

752
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:29,200
with some simple royal questions.

753
00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:32,840
How many King Henrys of England have there been?

754
00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:35,280
ORNATE FLOURISH

755
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:37,280
Say it. Eight! No!

756
00:36:37,280 --> 00:36:40,160
KLAXON

757
00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:43,120
There were nine, in fact. Henry II had a son,

758
00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:44,720
who was known as Young King Henry,

759
00:36:44,720 --> 00:36:47,480
who, according to the French tradition,

760
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:50,800
was anointed King while Henry II, his father, was still alive.

761
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:55,280
And so he wasn't given the reginal number III, but he was King,

762
00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:56,960
and he died at age 27 or so,

763
00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:59,400
and he was quite an amusing fellow.

764
00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:02,440
He was very popular, he died young, but when he was 17, he...

765
00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:04,160
He got in trouble with his father

766
00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:06,760
for refusing to turn up home at the castle for Christmas.

767
00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:10,120
Instead, he held a feast in Normandy

768
00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:14,320
in which he invited only knights whose name were William.

769
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:16,560
It's a randomly peculiar thing to do.

770
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:19,000
So he was actually Henry the second-and-a-half.

771
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,080
Yeah, kind of, yeah.

772
00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:25,240
I love the idea of that party, though. He's been to so many royal events and fancy weddings and gone,

773
00:37:25,240 --> 00:37:28,840
"I can't remember everyone's name. I just want Williams."

774
00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:31,360
And he arrived, went, "Hello, William. All right, William?

775
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:32,880
"William." "Bill, Bill..."

776
00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:35,960
Saves you having to bother with the name, like the Beefsteak Club in London,

777
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:38,600
where all the staff are called Charles, whatever their names,

778
00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:41,440
so people go, "Hello, Charles, I thought Charles would be here."

779
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:43,680
"No, milord, Charles is ill, so Charles is here."

780
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:46,640
Is this a real place? It is a real place called the Beefsteak Club.

781
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:48,720
You're a member of that? I am, yes.

782
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:57,440
It's very old and very good fun.

783
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:00,440
Don't mock me.

784
00:38:00,440 --> 00:38:04,160
Yeah, we just go to a caff, but, yeah...

785
00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:05,640
That makes you more real.

786
00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:08,720
"Charles, oh, Charles, yes, Charles, tea please, two teas," you know.

787
00:38:08,720 --> 00:38:11,160
The staff from there are probably watching this, going,

788
00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:12,520
"Oh, it's that Stephen Fry,

789
00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:16,240
"he thinks everyone's called Charles. Bloody idiot."

790
00:38:16,240 --> 00:38:17,440
We can't just tell him now.

791
00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:19,920
Someone's just told you that the first day you arrived.

792
00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:21,280
It's a practical joke on you.

793
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:24,560
All right. Did they also ask you to go for a long wait?

794
00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:28,680
No, they didn't. Now, name the Queen's official residence.

795
00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:32,280
ORNATE FLOURISH

796
00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:33,680
I'll go Balmoral. Ah!

797
00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:36,400
KLAXON

798
00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:42,160
2A Pall Mall.

799
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:47,000
2A Pall Mall, SW1. Yeah.

800
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:49,440
No. ORNATE FLOURISH

801
00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:53,640
I'm going to say official residence, Buckingham Palace.

802
00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:55,640
KLAXON

803
00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:57,720
I meant Windsor Castle. No!

804
00:38:57,720 --> 00:39:00,320
KLAXON

805
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:03,800
A submarine is sinking somewhere.

806
00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:06,160
Yeah. Berlin. Jeremy Klaxon.

807
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:09,360
Sandringham? Sorry? Sandringham?

808
00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:12,200
Oh, Alanny-wallany-woo. Not Sandringham.

809
00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:14,320
KLAXON

810
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:16,400
I'm feeling left out.

811
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:18,560
I wonder why there's three different pictures.

812
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:21,760
It's 3A. It isn't...

813
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:23,640
Center Parcs, Surrey. I don't know.

814
00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:24,760
The Eagle's Nest.

815
00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:27,640
Does she have a static caravan?

816
00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:31,440
If you are the American Ambassador, you present your credentials to?

817
00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:33,800
It's actually the Queen... The court of...?

818
00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:36,480
St James's Palace, is that her official...? The right answer!

819
00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:39,040
If only I could award you more points... I wish I didn't have

820
00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:41,480
this speech impediment that made Buckingham sound...

821
00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:44,040
St James's Palace is the official residence of the monarch,

822
00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:48,120
although she does, of course, spend most of her time in her second, third, fourth, fifth homes.

823
00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:51,280
Now, here's some potassium iodide.

824
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:55,480
It's a catalyst for my next experiment. Oooh! Yes!

825
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:58,000
My next experiment also involves me having,

826
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:00,480
for health and safety reasons, to wear these.

827
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:02,560
Cowabunga, dude, you look awesome!

828
00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:05,080
Tell us, O mighty king.

829
00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:07,960
ALL: Oooh!

830
00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:12,360
Oh, stop it, no! I can tell from that sample you've had asparagus.

831
00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:13,480
Well...

832
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:18,880
What that is, is H2O2. Does anyone know what H2O2 is?

833
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,360
Water water. Yes. Double water.

834
00:40:21,360 --> 00:40:24,280
It's H2O, it's water with an extra oxygen molecule,

835
00:40:24,280 --> 00:40:25,880
but it has a different name.

836
00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:27,600
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Hydrogen peroxide.

837
00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:29,200
They're a good audience.

838
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:32,740
Well, that's partly because three quarters of the women

839
00:40:32,740 --> 00:40:34,160
have got blonde hair.

840
00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:35,560
But it's quite unstable

841
00:40:35,560 --> 00:40:38,360
and it's always trying to lose its extra molecule

842
00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:40,440
and turn to water and to oxygen gas.

843
00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:42,120
And we've mixed it here

844
00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:45,760
with some ordinary detergent, some washing-up liquid.

845
00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:47,880
So could you go and stand next to Bill?

846
00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:50,960
It's not really violent, let's just say... Well, why...?

847
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:52,320
Let's just say...

848
00:40:52,320 --> 00:40:54,120
Hang on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

849
00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:56,880
What? When? What am I, a human shield or something?

850
00:40:56,880 --> 00:41:00,440
It's all right, you're this side of him, it's not that violent.

851
00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:02,960
Stephen, you don't seem too concerned about my safety.

852
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:05,280
You can stand next to Jeremy, that's a good point.

853
00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:07,280
It's that much nearer Alan.

854
00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:10,760
It's really, you'll see, it's not going to be dangerous.

855
00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:16,640
It isn't dangerous. It might be dangerous. It isn't. Just hold me.

856
00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:17,880
It's basically...

857
00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:19,480
Do you want to sit on my knee?

858
00:41:21,240 --> 00:41:23,960
Don't stop, I liked it. Here we go, are you ready?

859
00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:25,720
Do you want to count me down, audience?

860
00:41:25,720 --> 00:41:27,520
Count me down from three. Three...

861
00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:29,880
Oh, what comes next? AUDIENCE: Two...

862
00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:30,760
one!

863
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:32,080
LONE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Zero.

864
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:33,600
GASPING

865
00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:34,880
APPLAUSE

866
00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:37,880
Oh, very good. There you go.

867
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:41,560
And so...

868
00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:44,960
That's quite a money shot!

869
00:41:46,400 --> 00:41:49,840
Stephen, are you suggesting, if I get some of that potassium...?

870
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:52,240
That that will really make you perform in bed? No.

871
00:41:53,840 --> 00:41:56,440
Well... That's amazing! ..that magnificent...

872
00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:01,240
Whoa, it's still... Oh, yeah, that's it, baby.

873
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:06,840
It's a rather horrible yellow at the edges, though, isn't it?

874
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:09,840
Yeah, it does get like that! Do you know what? I've been away.

875
00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:13,520
Anyway, that brings us to the final scores, while it's still flowing.

876
00:42:13,520 --> 00:42:15,080
And...let's have a look here.

877
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:18,320
I'll have to hurry you, because you're going to be invisible.

878
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:22,560
In last place, with minus 38 points, it's Jeremy Klaxon.

879
00:42:22,560 --> 00:42:25,240
APPLAUSE

880
00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:30,840
Second equal...second equal,

881
00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:33,200
with minus 19, Bill and Jimmy.

882
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:35,760
APPLAUSE

883
00:42:35,760 --> 00:42:37,040
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

884
00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:39,360
Do my eyes deceive me?

885
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:44,800
Tonight's runaway winner with minus 18, Alan Davies!

886
00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:47,520
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

887
00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:55,440
Though the unquestionably knowledgeable audience

888
00:42:55,440 --> 00:42:58,800
takes the ultimate palm with plus eight!

889
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:01,680
THEY CHEER

890
00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:05,400
So from Jimmy, Jeremy, Bill, Alan and me,

891
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:06,480
good night.

892
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:09,640
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

893
00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:29,960
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