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This programme contains some strong language

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(YODELS) Gooooooood evening,

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good evening, good evening, good evening

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good evening and welcome to QI, where tonight's theme is Killers.

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And our keen ktenologists - look it up - are...

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the menacing Jason Manford.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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The merciless Sandi Toksvig.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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The murderous Trevor Noah.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And the mostly harmless Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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So, let's hear their homicidal death-knells. Sandi goes...

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CLOCK CHIMES

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Just once. Jason goes...

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CROW CAWS

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Trevor goes...

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KNIVES SCRAPE

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And Alan goes...

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# Killing me softly with his song Killing me softly... #

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Well, it was common in the Second World War, death by Flack.

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So, name the world's second-best hunter.

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I mean, human beings must be the first, surely.

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We get rid of entire species without any trouble at all.

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Which one is that? Second-best hunter...

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Do you recognise him? Hemingway.

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That's Hemingway, he was mad on hunting.

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And man is indeed the most efficient,

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we wipe out whole species. Yes, so who's second?

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Sharks. Killer whale.

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I always get... Killer whale is the right answer.

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Very good.

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He's even got it in his name.

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That's how successful he is, he even called himself a killer.

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He's even got the word killer in his name, you're right.

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And the point about the killer whale is firstly,

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that they're misnamed, that it was the Spanish name for them,

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which we misinterpreted as killer whale.

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They're actually whale killers. They kill whales.

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I've seen a documentary where they pursued a mother and a baby.

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Grey whale, yeah.

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For hundreds of miles. Up the coast of California, probably.

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Two or three of them, and eventually they get too tired to fend them off

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and then they eat the baby whale.

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I know, the point is they act in packs. And they're not whales.

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They're people.

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Can you tell from, almost from the arcing leap that he's making.

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It's a dolphin.

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They are dolphins that really, really are very intelligent.

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And they have an amazing way of attacking their prey.

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And apart from whales, they're particularly fond of a juicy...?

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Seals. They eat... Yeah, they love their seals.

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But what's so impressive is the technique they use

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and also how they... Well, they beach themselves, don't they?

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They actually... That's one way,

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is they actually get them on land, yeah.

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But there's an even more impressive way, which is they

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try and tilt the little ice flow that the seals will be on...

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Knock them off. And if the ice flow is too big,

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they line up in a row with a leader who sort of blows a signal.

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The young ones watch and they literally,

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they sort of check that the young ones are watching so they learn

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the technique, and then line abreast, they charge the ice flow,

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creating a bow wave, which goes over the ice flow so the seal falls off.

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We can show you that. Here they are.

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There you are, there's the line of them.

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And there's, the wave is going to go right over the...woof!

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Knock the poor thing off.

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But it's very cunning. And sad. And sad, it's true.

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Clever. But, damn, it's clever.

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Another smart move that was observed in 2005 by...

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What is the other word for a killer whale? I'm sure you know. Orca.

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Yeah. A group was found, or at least a single orca was seen,

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regurgitating into the sea.

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And herrings then flocked down to eat the puke...

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Sorry, did I say herrings? I meant herring gulls.

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And I come from the land of the herring

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and I'd lost myself in this story.

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These birds swooped down onto the puke and started to eat it

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and it then ate the birds. So it was a clever strategy. Bait.

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It was bait. It created its own bait by throwing up.

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And then other orcas were seen to imitate it.

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It had never been observed before and that's what's

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so dolphin-like about them.

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They learn new behaviours and transmit them.

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Do you think it discovered it by accident?

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It'd had a bit of a night on the sauce and... Probably.

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Oh, hello, the gulls are coming. Almost certainly.

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It'd probably eaten a dodgy prawn. Yes.

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It's one of the worst things about being sea life.

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Constantly eating seafood all the time.

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That's right, they don't have a vegetarian option.

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Also, as you rightly said, they do attack on land,

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that's to say they come precariously close to beaching themselves.

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They're always in disguise then, aren't they?

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They wear hats and scarves. They look like lifeguards.

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Seal moustaches. Two of them on each other's shoulders with a long coat.

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We can see them doing it actually,

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we've got a little bit of footage of the attack of the orca

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on the poor old...

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The seals think, "We're safe now..." Oh, no.

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Ooh.

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But, oh...

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Well, it's in there somewhere. Oh, there we go.

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You should voice-over more wildlife documentaries.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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That one got away.

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Bizarrely enough, I did voice-over one called Ocean Giants,

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which was about dolphins and whales, yeah, precisely.

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But fortunately it wasn't quite such a vague script.

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I did a show for the BBC called Walk On The Wild Side.

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Oh, yes, I did one of those, yeah.

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And you did, you played a panda I think, that was over-eating

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or something. And we also had Sir Tom Jones do one.

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And everyone, like yourself, we just sent them the script

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and, you know, it takes two minutes just to record it

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and send it back in. And Tom Jones,

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we just got a phone call one day in the studio,

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and he said, "I've been, I've been sent this script

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"saying you want me to play a lion." I was like, "Yeah, that's right.

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He went, "I don't really like lions." And I was like, "What?"

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Like...

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and I said, "Well, we're recording tomorrow,

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"is there any animal you'd prefer?"

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He went, "I'm a big fan of the penguin."

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I had like 24 hours to write a penguin sketch.

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Did it sing, the penguin? Did you get it to sing?

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No, it was just, it was a penguin... It did when he'd finished with it.

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Well, there you are. Killer whales, they're not whales,

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but they are killers.

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Now, how can a bottle of whisky save your life?

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Ah.

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Well, in a fight, I'm assuming.

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Is it the bottle or the contents?

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It's the contents, ingestion of whisky.

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Well, if you suffer trauma and you've got ethanol

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in your system, presumably you're going to be better off. Presumably...

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Shut up! How did you know that?!

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Because I've had a lot of trauma while drunk.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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You are absolutely right.

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There is a documented case where it was literally a bottle of whisky.

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There was a New Zealand chef called Duthie,

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who went on a vodka binge, and he went blind.

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He was literally blind drunk.

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They think it was because he was on diabetic medication,

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and that this basically turned it all into formaldehyde,

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which can cause blindness, as well as preserving you very nicely.

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And the usual thing is to put someone on an ethanol drip.

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They didn't have any medical ethanol in this particular hospital,

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but they did have an offy, so they went and got a bottle

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of Johnny Walker Black Label, and they put him on a drip,

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and five days later, he woke up with sight fully restored.

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Wow! Wow.

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On a whisky drip. It was a whisky drip, literally a bottle of whisky.

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Sounds like a good name for a pub, doesn't it? It does, actually.

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The Whisky Drip. I think it's a fact,

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if you have an accident or a serious injury and you're drunk at the time,

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you're probably more likely to recover than if you are...

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Shut up again!

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..sober. Oh, sorry.

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Did you sneak into my dressing rooms and look at my cards?

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No, no, no! I mean, I know this. I wrote a play,

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which was a lot about soldiers and how they deal with things.

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And some of the soldiers who were intoxicated at the time

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of the battle did better, they recovered better.

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Well, you're absolutely right. Did you know this?

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TREVOR: I always knew about the rag doll effect,

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if you have the alcohol and then if you fall or if you're in a

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car accident, because you don't brace,

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it's the same as a baby, if you drop babies, they're fine, they just...

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So if you're drunk, that's why you recover quicker,

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because you just don't brace and then you, it just goes through you.

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Do you think they probably end up in more situations

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where you're likely to get hurt?

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That is a true, because...

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You get other injuries, you get other DRIs, don't you,

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Drink Related Injuries. DRIs, I like the fact you know that.

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That's a bit disturbing. Yeah, well a friend I know...

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All right, we've got Mr Davies presenting with a DRI again.

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I had a friend who had a great DRI where he managed to get home,

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against all odds, and then fell asleep against a radiator.

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Oh!

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Quite a nasty burn on his arm, he had. Yeah.

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There was like a practical joke, like kids did,

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when I was growing up, which was to fill a ball, a football,

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up with cement, for example, you know, from somebody's garden...

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Oh, wow! You fill a football and leave it outside a pub.

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And drunk men cannot resist.

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Oh, Jesus!

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They just can't resist a football.

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"I've got this one, Dave!"

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Oh, argh!

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That is the... It's a hell of a practical joke, but it's...

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Especially if you put a goal post on the wall. Yeah.

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But this is extraordinary, all I have to do is fill in the dots here.

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It was Lee Friedman of the University of Illinois in Chicago

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who spent 14 years examining this effect.

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He analysed the blood alcohol of 190,000 trauma patients.

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He found that with the exception of burns,

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death rates from all types of traumatic injury fell as

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blood alcohol levels rose, which is extraordinary, isn't it?

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190,000 seems like an enormous number of...

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It's a big cohort, as they would say, isn't it?

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Exactly. Which makes it quite a respected study.

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Amongst the extremely drunk, mortality rates were cut by

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nearly 50%. Gunshot and stab victims, however,

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showed the greatest benefit, which wouldn't be the ragdoll effect,

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I don't suppose. There's some kind of anaesthetic element to it really.

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There is the anaesthetic element, which I suppose makes you behave

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less dramatically in a way that increases blood flow.

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Yeah... "Oh! I'm bleeding!"

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You say, "Oh, look at that." "Oh, no! Oh, no!

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"Awww.

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"Must've been shot!

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"Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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"Oh, I'd better just have a short.

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"And then I think I'll go to hospital,

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"it's going to be so busy on a weekend."

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"One more Jager Bomb couldn't do any harm, could it?"

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"Well, this isn't going to wait..."

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Yeah, exactly.

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"Come on, let's go to hospital.

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"They've got a bar, they'll have a bar there."

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"Hobs, hobsital."

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"I'm fine. I've been shot, but I'm fine."

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Amongst drivers, however, you were two to four times more likely to die

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in a car crash, or of a car crash, as it were, involved in a car crash.

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But I think you've covered everything quite brilliantly.

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There's the ragdoll effect

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and there seems to be an improvement in recovery from trauma.

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So if you think you're going to get shot or stabbed, get drunk first.

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Now you use a silver bullet for...?

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Vampires. You could try it on a vampire,

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I don't think it would do any good. Got to be a werewolf.

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Or silver does, or silver...

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Oh, is silver good for vampires? Silver's good for vampires.

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Are these real now? You're very knowledgeable about this.

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The reality of vampires.

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Because part of the myth was that the silver came from the coins

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that Judas got, you remember. Yes, 30 pieces.

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00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:54,080
The first vampire came from Judas when he was...

246
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,160
when he hung himself after Jesus...

247
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:57,520
SANDI: Did he turn into a vampire?

248
00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:00,280
TREVOR: Well, they say that Judas became the first vampire,

249
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,080
and then the silver burns them

250
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,120
because that's what they gave Judas to betray.

251
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,000
He got the silver pieces. So that's why it's silver for all of them,

252
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:10,040
but you want a bullet for a wolf because they're fast.

253
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:13,720
Vampires, just, the gun is useless, so...

254
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:21,280
Well, that's covered the vampire side of the question

255
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:24,520
quite perfectly. But the square bullet, on the other hand,

256
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:27,360
these don't need to be silver. Against who would...?

257
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:31,480
I think this is... I think this is a very old gun

258
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,640
and I think it's something politically incorrect.

259
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,720
Is that right? Again, yeah. You've been...

260
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,560
I'm going to test my cards for your DNA and fingerprints.

261
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,360
No, it's the... I'm slightly distracted

262
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,440
cos that so looks like a woman I went out with, but...

263
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:47,480
APPLAUSE

264
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:56,200
Every morning I'd say the word orthodontist.

265
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,560
I don't think any man would ask for oral sex

266
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,040
from that particular werewolf, to be perfectly honest.

267
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:03,160
I think that would be a risk.

268
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,040
You're right, it was designed in the early part of the 18th century,

269
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,880
in fact in 1718. I think it was to kill Turks. Turks.

270
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:10,960
Turks, but most specifically Muslims, I think.

271
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,600
The square bullet was to show them how great Christianity was.

272
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,200
I think that was the kind of plan behind the square bullet.

273
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,280
There was a specific gun...

274
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:18,960
It was called the Puckle Gun.

275
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:23,360
Puckle Gun, James Puckle. James Puckle, invented it in 1718,

276
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:27,960
and his idea was that you used the round bullets for Christians,

277
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,640
and the square bullets were for the Ottoman Turks.

278
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,120
Quite a good idea, the square bullet,

279
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,560
because if you drop one, it won't roll away.

280
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,640
There is, however, a bad side to it.

281
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,080
You can't rifle a square bullet,

282
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,640
and it's the rifling that gives it accuracy through the air.

283
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,640
So are they a bit rubbish, the square bullets?

284
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,320
It makes it spin and go fast. It would just go wobble, wobble

285
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:46,920
wobble, wobble. Wouldn't hit anybody.

286
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:48,320
So if you were a Turk or a Muslim,

287
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,160
you'd be encouraging the square bullet.

288
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,600
"I think you should definitely use the square ones on us."

289
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,960
It was supposed to show the benefits of Christianity,

290
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,920
in fact it showed, it inferred, the deficiency of James Puckle's ideas

291
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,680
of aerodynamics and rifling.

292
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,000
You might hit a Christian!

293
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,800
You might accidentally hit a Christian.

294
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,640
It's not really right to call it the first machine gun,

295
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:09,400
but it was three times faster to load and fire

296
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,960
than the current musket.

297
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,640
It was nine rounds a minute, which wasn't bad for 1718.

298
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:19,240
It's interesting, cos I guess technically the first bulletproof

299
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:23,520
vests were created by the Zulus, when they were fighting the British.

300
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:27,640
And Shaka discovered that if you dip your leather shield in water

301
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:31,000
before you go into battle, then the pellets couldn't penetrate.

302
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,360
Oh, is it really, was that...? Yeah, yeah, that's...

303
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:36,160
It hardened the leather that much. Yeah, and that's how the Zulus

304
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,320
could kill so many. Because what will happen is,

305
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:41,360
they only needed one bullet and then they would advance so quickly

306
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,480
that then they would kill five or six British people

307
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:44,920
before they could reload.

308
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:46,480
Do you have Zulu blood in you?

309
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:47,840
I do, I guess, yes, because...

310
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:50,000
HE CLICKS TONGUE ..Xhosa people are of the Zulus.

311
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,960
Oh, you're Xhosa. Oh, do that again, I love that. I'm half Xhosa.

312
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,880
Oh, do it again. Xhosa. Xhosa. I can't do that.

313
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,960
It's given as an exclamation mark, isn't it?

314
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,800
No, that's the X. There's three clicks.

315
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,680
There's the X... LATERAL CLICK

316
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,360
There's the Q... POSTALVEOLAR CLICK

317
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,160
And the C, which is... CENTRAL CLICK

318
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:05,560
Those are the three different...

319
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,400
Oh, it's just... I love that. So that's the... You've seduced me.

320
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:12,560
Not that you wanted to, I'm sure.

321
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:15,080
Who was that wonderful... Was it Miriam Makeba who sang...

322
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,800
Yes, The Click Song. It goes...

323
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,720
HE SINGS THE CLICK SONG

324
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,520
That's the song. Oooooh!

325
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:22,960
APPLAUSE

326
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,200
Yeah, so the Xhosa's were technically...

327
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,360
they were basically pacifists of the Zulus, you know.

328
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,920
They were chased out, they separated from the tribe. Right.

329
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,640
So they weren't as... Like, the Zulus were really our pride...

330
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,680
In terms of military, they are our pride and joy, they are...

331
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:40,960
With the assegais...

332
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,920
Yeah. Everything they did was revolutionary, just like the first...

333
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,640
They were the first ones with the shortened spear,

334
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,080
so Shaka invented a spear that was quicker to stab with

335
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,080
and not as cumbersome to lug around.

336
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,280
Right, like a sort of javelin... Yes, yes, yes.

337
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:56,040
Cos the spear hadn't really been changed over all those years,

338
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:58,320
and he... So he changed that, he changed everything.

339
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,400
He was one of the best military, you know... Yeah.

340
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,160
You guys...if it wasn't for the guns, you guys wouldn't be here.

341
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,720
I know, we wouldn't have had a chance.

342
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:07,520
Just do that bit of singing again.

343
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,160
With the...? Just do that bit of singing again.

344
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:14,480
SINGS THE CLICK SONG

345
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:15,840
That's the song.

346
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:19,680
You don't know me well, Trevor, but I'm on the turn, I'm telling you.

347
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:20,640
APPLAUSE

348
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:29,360
You've only got Jason and Alan left to seduce, Trevor, I have to say.

349
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,720
I think he's a cracking fella.

350
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,400
Well, there you go, that's your man Puckle and again, well done, Sandi.

351
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:38,840
The knowledge, just amazing.

352
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,920
Now, here's a killer question for you, Alan. We are both actors.

353
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,720
Why are we so grotesquely overpaid?

354
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,080
Market forces.

355
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,200
We're not in charge of the distribution of wealth.

356
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:53,400
Any excuse we can think of.

357
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:57,840
What profession within the film industry might think that

358
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:01,360
they are responsible entirely for the way an actor conveys...

359
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,240
Screenwriters? The screenwriter certainly has a lot,

360
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,800
as far as the story is concerned, but they can't control,

361
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,680
as it were, what an audience reads into an actor's eyes.

362
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:12,160
Cameraman?

363
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,800
The editor. The editor, yeah.

364
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,720
In 1919, when cinema was being born, there was

365
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:18,720
a film-maker called Lev Kuleshov

366
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,400
and he proposed putting together a film in which

367
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,560
you saw an actor looking at things

368
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:30,280
and you noticed that the audience read into the actor

369
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,320
different emotions according to what they are looking at.

370
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,920
So the idea is that we think they're looking melancholy

371
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,720
because they're looking at something... Or hungry. Or hungry.

372
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,680
But the actor has actually not changed.

373
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,720
It is exactly the same shot of the actor. That's the trick of acting.

374
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,600
All actors know that. Yes, it's not to act.

375
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,440
If in doubt, don't do anything at all. And directors will tell you.

376
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,840
Milos Forman famously shouts, "Stop acting! Somebody is acting here!"

377
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,400
There's a famous Bogart one.

378
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,040
At the end, he looks down on some carnage

379
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:01,960
and everyone was very impressed by the emotions he portrayed.

380
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:05,160
But the shot had been done much later and the camera went down low

381
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:08,280
and he stood up on a balcony and the director said, "Look bored."

382
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:12,520
Yes. It works like that. They cut it in. It's extraordinary how it is.

383
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,800
It is the effect, the timing of the story,

384
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,040
it's what the actor seems to be looking at

385
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,960
and it's the audience that does the work.

386
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,160
They read the emotion into the face.

387
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,760
Oh, look, we've actually cut our own together.

388
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,160
So you can see here, what's this emotion? Confusion.

389
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,200
He's looking hard at something.

390
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,400
HE GASPS Can he believe it's true?

391
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,400
LAUGHTER

392
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,800
Oh, no, Arsenal have lost again.

393
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:40,720
LAUGHTER

394
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,640
LAUGHTER

395
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,200
What a beautiful bike.

396
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,120
LAUGHTER

397
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:51,520
APPLAUSE

398
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:55,600
There you are.

399
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,360
Proof positive, as if it were needed. Anyway.

400
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:06,120
Thanks to the Kuleshov effect, good acting may be just good editing.

401
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:10,400
Now, Alan, be honest. Have you ever enjoyed a shower in chocolate sauce?

402
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,960
Is this a euphemism?

403
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,840
It emphatically is not.

404
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,600
And everybody is to put away those thoughts.

405
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,120
No, I've put my hand in a chocolate fountain...

406
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,160
KLAXON SOUNDS

407
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:32,800
We are almost certain you have enjoyed a shower in chocolate sauce.

408
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,400
Ooh! Oh, hello.

409
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,960
I was so drunk, Sandi.

410
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,000
I suspect that most of you... Not necessarily all of you.

411
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,360
It sounds a niche area of interest, certainly.

412
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:46,240
Well, let's think of films that have got showers in them. Psycho.

413
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:49,400
Did you enjoy it? Yeah, it was a good film.

414
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,920
Yeah. And the shower scene is the pivotal scene. Oh, now.

415
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,560
Oh, because it's black-and-white.

416
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,080
It's black and white. The water doesn't read on film.

417
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:59,480
The water does. No, it's the blood. Which was chocolate sauce.

418
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,000
Bosco chocolate sauce.

419
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,960
Bosco's chocolate sauce was used for the blood.

420
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,080
Actually, talking, as we were, of editing,

421
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,040
one of the reasons it is the most famous scene, possibly,

422
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,240
that Hitchcock directed

423
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,240
and one of the most famous scenes in all cinema is that it contains

424
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:18,320
77 different camera angles and 50 cuts and lasts only three minutes.

425
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:19,560
I have done this.

426
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,200
I've sat there, counting the number of cuts in three minutes.

427
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,160
You must get out, Stephen, really.

428
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:29,400
I'm never sitting next to you at the cinema. No, not at the cinema.

429
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:31,320
Who's brought Rain Man with them?

430
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:37,120
50 cuts there! Stop the clock.

431
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:40,080
When I was a kid in the States, we used to have ice cream with

432
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:43,120
Bosco chocolate sauce on it and you couldn't serve it without going...

433
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,760
IMITATES PSYCHO THEME

434
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:48,360
So you all knew. Have you seen Psycho? TREVOR: I have not, no.

435
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:51,320
Your generation, you just don't go for the classics.

436
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,720
Cos it's black-and-white, you go... HE YAWNS

437
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:56,120
I'm waiting for it to come out on Twitter and then I'll...

438
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,480
LAUGHTER

439
00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:01,120
Exactly. The sound of the stabbing, I think, was a knife in a melon.

440
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:02,280
Absolutely right.

441
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:06,160
And, actually, Hitchcock first wanted the scene to be just,

442
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,040
as they say, effects. In other words, the sound of the water,

443
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,240
the sound of the shower curtain being torn

444
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:14,200
and the sound of the knife going into the melon.

445
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:17,080
But his favourite composer, who composed a lot of his films,

446
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:18,520
Bernard Herrmann,

447
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,440
wrote this astounding score with these jagged things

448
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:24,680
and begged him to listen to the version with it and Hitchcock

449
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,840
said, "You're right," and actually doubled his pay on the movie.

450
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:31,960
Hitchcock sounds like Jeremy from Top Gear.

451
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,840
He sounds exactly like that.

452
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,640
AS JEREMY CLARKSON/ALFRED HITCHCOCK: "You're right!"

453
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:41,200
Yes. "Just two seconds in and you're nursing a semi."

454
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,600
LAUGHTER

455
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:43,920
APPLAUSE

456
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:52,640
Everybody was against him making the film.

457
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:54,160
He'd just made North By Northwest,

458
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:57,320
one of his most lavish, colourful, beautiful, extraordinary thrillers

459
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,520
and he wanted to be known for a different kind of film

460
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,480
cos he was always experimenting, always trying different things.

461
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,440
That film was so clever, Psycho.

462
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,240
You're with Janet Leigh all the way from the beginning.

463
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,240
She hatches this plan, she's got this money.

464
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,800
She steals 40 grand. You can't wait to see what's going to happen.

465
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,280
And then she's gone, halfway through the film.

466
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,160
Oh, thanks for spoiling it!

467
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:19,520
LAUGHTER

468
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:20,920
APPLAUSE

469
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,560
I don't feel I have, really,

470
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:29,000
given the picture of her being murdered in the shower.

471
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,280
Do you remember the last shot of the shower scene?

472
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:33,040
Just to get really nerdy.

473
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,160
Isn't the eye and the plughole?

474
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:38,240
Her head is sideways down. All the shots are...

475
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:41,600
There's no long shots, it's all mid-shots and mostly close-ups.

476
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,160
He was so concerned to get it right that there just wasn't

477
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:47,200
time for her to get accustomed to these contact lenses that would give

478
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:50,520
her dilated pupils, which freshly stabbed people have, apparently.

479
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:53,160
So that was the one inaccuracy he was rather annoyed with.

480
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,520
No-one wanted to make it. Paramount said they wouldn't.

481
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,080
He said, "I'll make it black and white. It'll be cheaper."

482
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,160
They said, "No." He said, "I'll use my TV crew."

483
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,360
He used a TV crew to make it, not a film crew.

484
00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:04,480
It's one of the most successful movies of all time.

485
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,680
Nominated for Best Picture Oscar.

486
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,600
It's worth seeing, Trevor, but not with Stephen. No.

487
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:13,600
Sandi'll take you.

488
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,800
Do you know, this evening has changed my life?

489
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:26,640
Now, describe the curriculum at the British Hate Training Academy.

490
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:34,480
Oh, dear. Watching Jeremy Kyle all day and all night.

491
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,880
Yeah, that would be... That would be good hate training.

492
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,400
It would, actually, wouldn't it?

493
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,200
I would imagine that maybe it's very difficult to get soldiers

494
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,080
to hate anybody. Kill, yeah.

495
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:46,400
I would imagine maybe there was some scheme to try and get them...

496
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,360
In the Second World War, we had hate schools.

497
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:52,840
Has there ever been a more pointless padlock in the world?

498
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,360
"You're not getting my shirts!

499
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:04,560
"Back orff!"

500
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,080
It's a pretty astonishing look, isn't it?

501
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:09,840
But, no, Sandi, you're right.

502
00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:11,360
There were hate schools.

503
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:15,760
"These medals are sticking into my chest! Arrrgh!"

504
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:17,120
LAUGHTER

505
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:23,400
"Aaargh, God!

506
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,960
"All of them are pinning me in the chest!

507
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:29,480
"My hat is too small!

508
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,240
"Get me a new hat!"

509
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:42,720
What do you suppose the chances are

510
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:45,120
of twins getting the same number of medals?

511
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:49,320
It's a good point.

512
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:52,720
Do you know, I've gone deaf in my left ear now?

513
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:54,000
Very sorry.

514
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:57,120
Back to the serious and terrible fact, is that in order

515
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,600
supposedly to encourage British troops of the Second World War,

516
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,960
we put them into rooms and showed them appalling atrocities.

517
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,320
Rotting corpses, starving people.

518
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,160
They were then taken to slaughter houses, where they watched sheep

519
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:12,200
being killed and they were smeared with their blood, and made to...

520
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:15,480
This was common, though, wasn't it? Because didn't they say to

521
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:19,400
the Vietcong that the US Marines ate babies, that kind of...

522
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,520
Oh, it was certainly true that this black propaganda was given out.

523
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:25,640
You know, in the First World War the Germans raped nuns and all that.

524
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:29,760
But this was actually being made to witness really awful things,

525
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,800
in order to get your blood up, was the idea.

526
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:33,600
But when the papers and the public found out,

527
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:35,200
there was an absolute uproar.

528
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,840
No less a figure than the Bishop of St Albans said,

529
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:41,480
"The attempt to inculcate hatred in the fighting forces

530
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,200
"and civilians is doing the devil's work."

531
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:45,640
And General Sir Bernard Paget,

532
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,640
who was Commander in Chief of the home forces, he agreed.

533
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,280
He said that, "Hate was foreign to British temperament.

534
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:52,760
"And we hate it."

535
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,280
But it is a... It is a...

536
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,400
He didn't say that bit.

537
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,080
It is a very serious issue.

538
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,440
I think it was after the Second World War,

539
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:05,320
they estimated only between 15 and 20% of anybody

540
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,400
in any armed force had ever fired their gun. Yeah.

541
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,360
Because mostly people don't want to. That's right.

542
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:14,160
And if they do fire their gun, they tend to try and miss.

543
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,760
All of us know stories of people who have survived wars, and

544
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:19,080
the one thing that absolutely tears them up is the fact

545
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,160
that they've killed someone. The closer you are to the actual kill...

546
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:25,240
If you kill somebody with a bayonet rather than shoot them at a distance,

547
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,400
the more likely you are to suffer trauma.

548
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:31,280
TREVOR: They very famously said the most gentlemanly fighters

549
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:33,800
in the wars were the air forces,

550
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:37,040
because they almost had an unspoken rule that they wouldn't shoot a plane

551
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:38,480
that's already going down.

552
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,200
And you wouldn't shoot a guy on a parachute either, you would...

553
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,040
He's down, he's out, so you wouldn't... No, never do that.

554
00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:46,240
And if it was a good fight, and you respected them

555
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:49,040
and they were going down, they would do a little wing tip salute

556
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,640
as they flew away from them, which is just touching.

557
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,840
Yeah, that would be like, "Argh... Oh, that's nice.

558
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,360
"Arrgh!

559
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,040
"Oh, fair enough, right."

560
00:26:59,040 --> 00:26:59,920
APPLAUSE

561
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:06,920
Anyway, the fact is they stopped them,

562
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,520
not because of public outrage but because it didn't work.

563
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,960
The effect it had on soldiers was to depress them.

564
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,760
It's interesting cos the Germans,

565
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,640
instead of showing videos of the opposing side to get

566
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:20,320
the soldiers desensitised, they famously made them kill their dogs.

567
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:23,280
I don't know if you remember... Not remember it, like you were there.

568
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,160
But I mean...

569
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:29,320
Stories where they would have a dog, a puppy to raise their whole lives,

570
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:32,440
and when they graduated from training, then the last assignment

571
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:35,040
was to kill the dog, which you obviously have grown to...

572
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:38,160
SS training. Yeah, it was the SS. That must have been absolutely...

573
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,920
That's unspeakably brutal to ask someone to shoot a puppy. Or a dog.

574
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:49,360
Anyway, which is most dangerous - 1,000 bananas,

575
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:51,080
half a litre of wine,

576
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:54,880
1.4 cigarettes or two days in New York?

577
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:58,520
You could fall on quite a lot of those banana peels.

578
00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:01,000
Slip, yes, you could. You could. Or spiders inside.

579
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:03,560
Yes, you could have a tarantula on the inside, yeah, yeah.

580
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:05,680
But they're all quite dangerous, I suppose.

581
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:09,000
In fact, we know that they're all equally dangerous.

582
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,160
Oh. And how can we know that?

583
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:15,240
Is there a scale of dangerousness-ness-ness?

584
00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:17,640
TREVOR: There's the banana-cigarette-New York scale

585
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:21,360
that they generally use. Exactly. That's the scale.

586
00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:24,800
Is it about toxins, that you absorb or take in?

587
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:28,840
Well, it's a Professor from Stanford called Ronald Howard,

588
00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:31,440
as long as it's not the guy who was in Happy Days,

589
00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:33,080
and directed Apollo 13.

590
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:36,960
It was in 1968 he developed the micromort.

591
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:40,440
And a micromort is a one-in-a-million chance of death.

592
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:43,040
So the higher the risk, the more micromorts, obviously.

593
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:48,400
So if a million outings on a hang glider result in eight deaths,

594
00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:52,720
then there's a fatal risk of eight micromorts attached to hang gliding.

595
00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:55,880
So how many micromorts in a banana? Well, I'll tell you.

596
00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:59,920
If you take the normal background risk in the UK,

597
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:02,160
it's actually 41.6 micromorts.

598
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:04,160
So the chances of sudden death in Britain,

599
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:07,520
from leading a normal life are about four in 100,000.

600
00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,760
What, four people die unexpectedly from eating a banana?

601
00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:13,680
No, no, just that's background. This is just background.

602
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:15,240
We've not come to the bananas yet.

603
00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:17,480
Oh, sorry, I'm over-excited.

604
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:18,760
Yeah.

605
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:22,160
Your ordinary risk... Yes.

606
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:24,480
..of dying suddenly is four in 100,000.

607
00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:26,160
I've got it now. Right.

608
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:29,920
But activities that raise the level of risk...

609
00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:33,400
Have you died suddenly? I died suddenly.

610
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,640
There you are. Activities that raise the level of risk

611
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:40,440
from 41.6 micromorts, which is the average risk we all share,

612
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:44,680
by one micromort alone, are smoking 1.4 cigarettes yourself,

613
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:48,240
living for two months with someone else who smokes.

614
00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:49,840
Half a litre of wine.

615
00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:51,720
Not doing a wee when you really need one.

616
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:56,560
1,000 bananas is actually because of their radioactivity. SANDI: What?

617
00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:58,640
They do contain a lot of potassium. Ah, yes.

618
00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:00,400
But they are faintly radioactive. Wow.

619
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:03,520
Very faintly. 40 tablespoons of peanut butter...

620
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:06,080
So, I'm still on the bananas, you have to...

621
00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:10,320
You have to eat 1,000 bananas?

622
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:12,880
If you ate 1,000 bananas, not necessarily all at once,

623
00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:15,840
cos that would kill you straightaway. Yes.

624
00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:17,440
Obviously, you would burst.

625
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:20,720
The point is, for every 1,000 bananas you eat... Yes.

626
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:23,800
..your chances of sudden death increase by one micromort,

627
00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:26,080
which is... What is the matter with scientists?!

628
00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:28,600
Who? Who is going to eat 1,000 bananas?

629
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,400
Why would you even work this out?!

630
00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:33,200
Over your lifetime. I've eaten 1,000 bananas.

631
00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:36,040
So should you be counting how many bananas you've had? No.

632
00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:38,680
It's only one micromort, it's a one-in-a-million chance.

633
00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:40,800
But how does the thousandth banana kill you?

634
00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:44,720
Because of the level of radioactivity. Oh, God!

635
00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:48,200
For every 1,000 you eat, you're...

636
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:50,480
You've already got 41.6 micromorts, which is...

637
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:51,880
I feel unwell.

638
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:57,080
I'll give you a book to read afterwards and it'll explain it.

639
00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:59,040
Thank you, darling. Cos it takes too long.

640
00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:01,320
But go to New York, have a cigarette with a glass of wine

641
00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:02,680
and a banana split.

642
00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:05,720
And say, "Fuck you, world!"

643
00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:07,080
APPLAUSE

644
00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:14,280
All of these increase your...

645
00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:17,040
They're such tiny margins, that's all.

646
00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:19,240
"I'm going down."

647
00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:22,280
My headmistress at boarding school was always in a terrible panic

648
00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:24,320
about fruit. Fruit?

649
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:25,800
Fruit, yes. She found that...

650
00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:33,920
She spent hours teaching us how to eat a banana correctly,

651
00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:36,600
because of the manners, and I remember her saying...

652
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:38,720
Which mustn't make the cheeks bulge, no...

653
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:43,840
And you don't, you don't do this either.

654
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:45,080
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

655
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,440
So she didn't like... She taught you how to eat a banana.

656
00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:57,480
She was very worried and she'd spent a long time on bananas, and I said,

657
00:31:57,480 --> 00:32:00,440
"How do you eat an orange," and she looked over the top of her glasses

658
00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:04,560
and said, "No young woman should ever embark upon an orange."

659
00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:05,800
Wise words.

660
00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:09,280
Scuba-diving adds five micromorts to background levels.

661
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:10,920
Taking heroin adds 30.

662
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:12,960
A night in hospital adds 75.

663
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,520
Just one night in hospital.

664
00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:17,560
But giving birth raises the risk to 80 micromorts.

665
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:19,480
So it is double the background.

666
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,160
So, if you're feeling ill,

667
00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:25,760
you'd be better off taking a bit of heroin than going to the hospital.

668
00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:28,960
A night in hospital can be rather perilous.

669
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,240
Is it a myth that heroin is

670
00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:33,720
the only thing in the world that cures a cold?

671
00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:38,880
Is that a myth? I think the guy underneath the arches...

672
00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:41,640
A guy trying to sell me some heroin, yeah.

673
00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:43,640
Is that how they peddle it in Manchester?

674
00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:47,040
"Cure your cold, this will, lad."

675
00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:49,200
Do you know the Irish cure for a cold?

676
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:51,840
My dad always used to say, "What you do is you get into bed with

677
00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:55,400
"a hat and a bottle of whiskey and you put the hat on the end

678
00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:59,040
"left bedpost and then you drink until you can see it on the right."

679
00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:02,480
That's brilliant.

680
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:04,320
Absolutely superb.

681
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:07,200
There is one man whose micromorts we don't know.

682
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:10,480
He is Yasuhiro Kubo and he's a Japanese skydiver

683
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:13,320
who jumps out of a plane without a parachute

684
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:16,720
and then collects it from a partner on the way down.

685
00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:20,080
We don't know his micromort because he is still alive

686
00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:23,760
and it may be that he'll do 4,000 jumps and then die.

687
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:28,200
It'd be a good dumb show. If you see them falling and then he

688
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:31,480
goes over to the bloke who has the parachute and you see them going...

689
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:35,720
I knew there was something!

690
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:45,760
Oh, that is so distressing. Anyway...

691
00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:50,760
Now, what can we do to stop the killer robots?

692
00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:53,520
SANDI: Oh!

693
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:58,320
Go upstairs. Go upstairs! Daleks have shown that doesn't work now.

694
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:01,760
They can hover. Is this a Robot Wars one? Yes, Robot Wars.

695
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:03,400
It's about legislation, isn't it?

696
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:06,440
Are they not trying to legislate against these...? They are indeed.

697
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:08,800
There's a global campaign led by a group of academics

698
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:11,520
and Nobel Peace Prize winners, who see a very real threat.

699
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:12,800
And they're not wrong.

700
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:15,440
Look at the development of drones in the American army.

701
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:18,880
Robotic killing machines are very close indeed and yet...

702
00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:22,080
The thing about the drone is that the drone has a human, as it were,

703
00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:26,560
in the loop. But I think the thing with the idea of the killer robots

704
00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:29,240
is that there is no human... That's the idea. ..in the loop.

705
00:34:29,240 --> 00:34:32,240
It's Dr Noel Sharkey, professor of computer science at Sheffield,

706
00:34:32,240 --> 00:34:36,840
who was, in fact, the consultant and appeared on Robot Wars,

707
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:38,440
that '90s TV show.

708
00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:41,000
Did you have such a thing on South Africa television?

709
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:44,320
I think we might have gotten your Robot Wars. We had none.

710
00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:47,280
I was very astonished when I first went to South Africa

711
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:51,080
and I was in Cape Town asking for directions, and they said,

712
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,360
"Turn right at the third robot."

713
00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:54,920
Oh, yeah, we call...

714
00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:57,440
I said, "What?" We call traffic... We call them robots.

715
00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,840
We call traffic lights robots.

716
00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:02,520
We have a very low bar for...

717
00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:07,960
These are the same guys who invented apartheid so, I mean,

718
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:12,640
if you look at the... They were impressed. They were impressed.

719
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:16,560
Even more shocking was when I was filming there and it was

720
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:20,880
incredibly hot and someone asked me if I wanted some arse cream.

721
00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:22,400
LAUGHTER

722
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:24,880
SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: "Do you want some arse cream?"

723
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:29,000
And I realise they were saying, "Ice cream," of course.

724
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:31,240
Chocolate arse cream.

725
00:35:31,240 --> 00:35:32,640
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

726
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:36,480
You just always go that bit too far.

727
00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:39,800
Yes, he does, doesn't he? I know.

728
00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:40,960
Presumably, the robots,

729
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:43,520
they're not covered by the Geneva Convention in any way.

730
00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:45,680
That's the problem. They are not regulated.

731
00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:47,000
That is the real issue.

732
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:50,440
Do you not think we are just slowly going towards a video game?

733
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,120
That's what we're building towards.

734
00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:55,400
Trevor, guess who the US Army is recruiting right as we speak?

735
00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:58,640
If you play video games, they say you are at least 50% better than

736
00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:00,480
just an average recruit off the street.

737
00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:02,360
They're the ones they're hiring for...

738
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:04,840
What I'm saying is if we get to a point where we are fighting

739
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:06,280
the things only on video game...

740
00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:08,440
Farting? You said it.

741
00:36:08,440 --> 00:36:09,880
LAUGHTER

742
00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:13,160
That's what you do in war. You can't control yourself and you just...

743
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:16,920
I don't know how you fight, Stephen, but that's how we...

744
00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:19,000
SANDI: Surely, the really civil thing would be

745
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,920
to not have fighting at all. You have a game of Twister.

746
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:24,920
That's just ridiculous. How do you settle things?

747
00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:28,560
Vladimir Putin and... Or Risk. Yes, Risk.

748
00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:31,080
Or Scrabble. Lovely. Lovely games.

749
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:34,320
Vladimir Putin versus Obama at Scrabble. Or Twister.

750
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,240
Anyway, killer robots don't exist yet

751
00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:41,400
but now might be a good time to make sure they never do.

752
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:44,320
So, here are some killers, but what do they prey on?

753
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:47,720
I'll perhaps give you a clue, if you don't know its name.

754
00:36:47,720 --> 00:36:49,680
Sea food, that's a seal. It's a seal.

755
00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:52,520
It is, it's called the crab-eater seal. It eats fish.

756
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:53,920
So the clue...

757
00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:55,240
CROW CAWS

758
00:36:55,240 --> 00:36:56,320
Yes?

759
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:57,920
Crab. Oh! Hey!

760
00:36:57,920 --> 00:36:59,600
KLAXON SOUNDS

761
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,000
Surely you'd know better. Just getting it out of the way,

762
00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:07,440
just so we could all move on and find out what the real answer is.

763
00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:09,600
If we show you its teeth more close up,

764
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:12,440
you might get a sense of it. It's pretty...

765
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:13,520
SANDI: Oooh.

766
00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:15,920
That's weird, why would you have teeth like that?

767
00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:17,400
To be on a show like this?

768
00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:21,520
It's to sieve. It's like a baleen plate in a whale.

769
00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:24,160
It sieves out all the bigger things, so it actually just has,

770
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:25,560
like a whale...?

771
00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:26,720
Krill. Krill.

772
00:37:26,720 --> 00:37:31,280
Yeah. It just eats krill. And our next contender is...

773
00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:33,960
Oh, I say.

774
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:37,280
Yes. That's called the Bagheera Kiplingi spider.

775
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:38,720
Does that ring a bell?

776
00:37:38,720 --> 00:37:41,280
TREVOR: They kill tigers, don't they?

777
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:45,600
Well, bagha is the Hindi for tiger, and Bagheera is? The Jungle Book.

778
00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:47,920
Is in the Jungle Book, and is a panther. Is it the panther?

779
00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:49,720
Panther, and hence the Kiplingi,

780
00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:52,040
so for some reason it's named after Rudyard Kipling.

781
00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:53,880
It eats Bakewell tarts.

782
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:58,040
Lemon slices.

783
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:04,760
Oh, the Bakewell tart. I could eat five of them. Easy.

784
00:38:04,760 --> 00:38:07,760
They don't do five in a pack, do you know what I'm saying?

785
00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:13,960
You have probably no idea what we're talking about, poor Trevor.

786
00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:16,880
They've surely got Kipling cakes in South Africa. No, we don't.

787
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:18,080
No? Really?

788
00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:19,720
They're exceedingly good.

789
00:38:19,720 --> 00:38:21,360
LAUGHTER

790
00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:22,880
APPLAUSE

791
00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:28,680
Do you not think the spider looks like he's trying to be cute

792
00:38:28,680 --> 00:38:31,040
for the photograph? He does, he's posing. "Hi."

793
00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:31,960
"Hiya, you all right?"

794
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:34,320
Spiders are known to be feeders on what? Flies.

795
00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:36,240
Flies. They're known to be carnivorous.

796
00:38:36,240 --> 00:38:40,080
But this is the only vegetarian spider on earth.

797
00:38:40,080 --> 00:38:42,840
Well, no wonder he's cute. Yeah. Exactly.

798
00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:45,720
They actually go out of their way to avoid rather nasty-looking ants

799
00:38:45,720 --> 00:38:48,960
and hide round corners, until they can get to their staple food,

800
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:51,960
which is the buds of acacia trees. The acacia is very thorny.

801
00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:54,200
They're the laughing stock of the spider community.

802
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:55,920
Yeah, they are, they're probably...

803
00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:57,760
"Call yourself a spider? You're a disgrace."

804
00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:00,800
Yes. They occasionally, to be fair, will eat meat.

805
00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:03,120
It's a bit like, I don't know, the spectacled bear...

806
00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:05,800
If they've had a drink. ..will be known to eat, you know, ants.

807
00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:09,000
He'll have a kebab on the way home. Yes.

808
00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:10,600
They can't resist it.

809
00:39:10,600 --> 00:39:12,760
Oh! Let's have a kebab.

810
00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:15,920
Would you like to see a great tit? Always. There you go.

811
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:18,800
There is a great tit. Great. That's a good picture.

812
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:22,120
It's a lovely picture of a great tit, isn't it? They mostly eat...

813
00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:24,240
Insects. Yes. Caterpillars, in particular.

814
00:39:24,240 --> 00:39:26,440
They are very fond of a good, juicy caterpillar.

815
00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:28,720
Which is, of course, part of the cycle of an insect.

816
00:39:28,720 --> 00:39:30,920
And, in Hungary, something very astonishing

817
00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:32,640
has been observed with great tits.

818
00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:33,640
They eat goulash.

819
00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:36,600
They have been observed,

820
00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:39,200
possibly because of lack of caterpillars in Hungary...

821
00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:41,720
Eating chips. No, it's rather gross, actually.

822
00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:43,360
They've been eating roosting bats.

823
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:45,920
They've been eating the entire innards and brains

824
00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:49,680
and scooping out every part of a sleeping bat. Which is really...

825
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:53,560
That's a lovely story. Isn't it? It's quite a move for a great tit.

826
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:55,400
And we come finally to this chap.

827
00:39:57,440 --> 00:40:00,520
Piranha. It looks like a piranha. It's a distant relative, though.

828
00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:02,800
It lives in a completely different part of the world.

829
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:04,960
In Papua New Guinea. And is known as a pacu fish,

830
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:07,160
but has a nickname, which might give you a hint.

831
00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:09,960
The teeth it has are designed to deal with its main food source,

832
00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:12,960
which are seeds and nuts which fall down from trees above.

833
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:14,440
Which quite a lot of fish do.

834
00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:16,440
But, if you happen to be swimming naked,

835
00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:18,440
as many a Papua New Guinean might...

836
00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:23,000
Uh-oh. ..it fully deserves its nickname, the ball-cutter fish.

837
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:24,600
AUDIENCE GROAN

838
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:28,240
There are at least two recorded examples of people

839
00:40:28,240 --> 00:40:30,320
dying from castration from these.

840
00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:32,920
Oh, does that count...? Does that count as a background mort?

841
00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:35,440
Yes, that's definitely a micromort.

842
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:38,280
Presumably you can tell as the screams get higher and higher. Yes.

843
00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:39,360
SHE SCREAMS

844
00:40:39,360 --> 00:40:41,560
Until they're beyond the range of human hearing.

845
00:40:41,560 --> 00:40:42,960
So they're pretty nasty. Wow.

846
00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:45,640
But, what's the worst thing a swan can do to you?

847
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:47,680
They can famously break a child's arm.

848
00:40:47,680 --> 00:40:48,880
Aaah!

849
00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:50,480
KLAXON SOUNDS

850
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:54,760
No, there is no recorded example ever.

851
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:57,280
They have hollow bones, and the chances are they would break

852
00:40:57,280 --> 00:41:00,200
their own wings if they attempted to swipe hard on the human bone.

853
00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:03,160
Oh, I've been cautious of them ever since primary school.

854
00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:05,600
Well, they're aggressive, they'll chase after you.

855
00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:08,160
And I dare say, if anyone rings in and says I know someone who

856
00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:11,000
claims their arm was broken, the chances are almost certain...

857
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,600
The school liar. Well, not if they were the school liar,

858
00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:16,120
or they might well have... If you're running away and fell.

859
00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:18,240
They might well have fallen over. Yeah. Exactly.

860
00:41:18,240 --> 00:41:21,520
Where is that place where the swan goes and rings a bell? Fairyland.

861
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:23,200
No, no... LAUGHTER

862
00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:26,320
Somebody shouting in the audience? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wells in Somerset.

863
00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:27,400
Wells in Somerset.

864
00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:29,520
In Wells in Somerset there's a bell on the outside

865
00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:32,080
and the swans learned to ring the bell and then they get fed.

866
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:34,560
That's marvellous. Little Pavlovian swans.

867
00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:38,520
And if you don't feed them, they break your arm.

868
00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:41,160
You're absolutely right. I mean, you're absolutely wrong.

869
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:42,920
Everyone else is marvellously right.

870
00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:46,520
They are very aggressive. They can't break your arm, so there.

871
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:49,200
And now it's time for one of my Knick Knacks.

872
00:41:49,200 --> 00:41:51,000
Crikey, how did that get there?!

873
00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:01,320
I'm now, I'm going to demonstrate.

874
00:42:01,320 --> 00:42:03,760
What a marvellous outing for the word "crikey". Yes.

875
00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:07,600
I'm going to demonstrate to you how a chain reaction takes place.

876
00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:10,160
Imagine these are little atoms,

877
00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:14,840
and what I have is a series of mouse trap... Ow!

878
00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:16,840
Mouse traps. Used for,

879
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:19,280
obviously, killing...mice!

880
00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:22,680
And, fortunately, no mice will be harmed in this experiment.

881
00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:24,080
All you will see

882
00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:29,080
is the spectacular sight of random and explosive chain reaction

883
00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:32,600
caused by one atom touching another, which are all in...

884
00:42:32,600 --> 00:42:35,040
"Ball number 16, the eighth appearance this year."

885
00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:36,560
LAUGHTER

886
00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:38,880
So are you ready? Yes.

887
00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:39,840
Here we go.

888
00:42:43,600 --> 00:42:45,360
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

889
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:48,280
All that for three seconds.

890
00:42:50,840 --> 00:42:52,560
It's a lot of effort for the money.

891
00:42:56,320 --> 00:42:59,760
On that nuclear bombshell, we reach the final curtain.

892
00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:04,280
It's time for the scores. And how fascinating they are.

893
00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:06,800
Way out in front, as you might imagine,

894
00:43:06,800 --> 00:43:10,160
with her astonishing knowledge is Sandi Toksvig on 14 points!

895
00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:11,520
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

896
00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:17,520
Points-wise, one of the greatest debuts of all time,

897
00:43:17,520 --> 00:43:19,200
Trevor Noah has plus nine!

898
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:20,440
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

899
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:26,880
And in third place, with minus six, Jason Manford.

900
00:43:26,880 --> 00:43:30,520
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I'll take that. I'll take that.

901
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:32,440
Colour me astonished! In last place,

902
00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:35,720
but with a deeply encouraging minus 28, Alan Davies!

903
00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:37,000
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

904
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:46,200
Thank you.

905
00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:49,760
And it only remains for me to thank Trevor, Jason, Sandi and Alan.

906
00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:50,800
Good night.

907
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:01,800
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