1 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:26,960 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:33,600 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 3 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,560 and welcome to QI, where tonight we're doing the Knowledge. 4 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:40,280 Please welcome the well-educated Jimmy Carr. 5 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,320 APPLAUSE 6 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,400 Thank you. 7 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,040 The well-informed Jo Brand. 8 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:48,680 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:51,880 The well-read Graham Linehan. 10 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:53,600 APPLAUSE 11 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:58,400 And the well, you know, it's Alan Davies. 12 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,840 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:07,680 And if you want to call me, you know what to do. 14 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:11,720 - Jimmy goes: - # Knowing me, knowing you, aha... # 15 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:17,920 - Graham goes: - # They don't know about us... # 16 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:22,880 - Jo goes: - # I know him so well... # 17 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:29,800 - And Alan goes: - # No, no. No, no, no, no No, no, there's no limits. # 18 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:34,280 There's a spelling issue there, Alan. 19 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,400 Now, um, I know what you want to know, 20 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:40,720 once and for all, how many moons does the earth have? 21 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:42,040 Nobody knows. 22 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,680 LAUGHTER 23 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:47,960 - We're not doing that this year, are we? - No, we're not. - Three. 24 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,600 - Ooh! - KLAXON 25 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,680 What a pity. What a pity. 26 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,160 One. 27 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,920 - KLAXON - D'oh! - Well, it is! 28 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,680 Just because it's called "the moon" 29 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:02,000 doesn't mean it's the only one, it turns out. 30 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:05,680 The moons, it would be called. Yeah. 31 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,720 - Six - KLAXON 32 00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:13,360 - You're not doing yourself any favours early doors. - Two. - Two, oh! 33 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:15,200 KLAXON 34 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,000 Now, this could go on for ages. 35 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,080 It could. So let me stop you right here. 36 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,240 The point is, very early on, in the A series, 37 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,800 - we said there were two. - Are you taking that back? - Yes. 38 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,200 - What do you mean? - Ah, this is... 39 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,400 I rely on this show. This is all I know. 40 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:30,040 This is the whole point of this round, in fact. 41 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:31,600 Facts are not permanent. 42 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,920 We thought there were two, and then we said, "Oh, no, 43 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:37,040 "it's either one or five," we said, in the B series. 44 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,240 Because we were acting on the latest info 45 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,640 that we had from the scientific community. 46 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:42,880 And this has changed. 47 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:45,480 Now NASA describes them as "mini moons" 48 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,720 but we have about 18,000 moons. 49 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:50,840 I thought it was the same moon. 50 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:53,080 LAUGHTER 51 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,360 - What, bits of it, you mean? - No, I thought 52 00:02:55,360 --> 00:03:00,000 the ones that we keep seeing was the same one over and over again. 53 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,760 - That was the... - That's wrong? 54 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:05,320 - No! Are you talking about the mini moons? There was like one extra mini moon? - No. 55 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,080 Or just that whole... 56 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:11,760 - The actual moon. - So, every night, you're saying it's a different moon. 57 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,520 He is saying that. 58 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:16,040 There is a celestial body that we call the moon, which is 59 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:19,960 - obviously the one that is recognised and rises... - I'm not saying that. 60 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:24,120 - ..every 28 days. - No, I'm saying it's the same... 61 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,160 I'm pretty sure... Until I came on to this show, 62 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:29,560 I was pretty sure it was the same moon. 63 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:33,240 I think I'm with you. I think it's just one moon. 64 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:34,840 That's our team's decision. 65 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:39,040 That's the same moon, as in this bottle is the same bottle is... 66 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:40,800 It's the same bottle as it is. 67 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,480 - How do you explain this? - That's another one. Exactly. 68 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:44,840 Well, it looks pretty similar. 69 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:47,320 They're not the same. That's my point. 70 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,200 And suddenly we've got three. 71 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,720 I'm not getting mine out, but can I just say...? 72 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,120 LAUGHTER 73 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,720 If there's so many, why haven't we noticed them before? 74 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,760 Well, the reason is they are actually tiny 75 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,400 and it's only recently they've run computer simulations to show 18,000. 76 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,440 One of those that has been observed, 77 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,720 has been given the exciting name RH120, 78 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,880 which orbited the Earth, four orbits, in 2006 and 2007. 79 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:12,480 They're also known as "temporarily captured objects". 80 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:15,800 They're captured into Earth orbit, perhaps for a short amount of time. 81 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,640 But as satellites of the Earth, non-man-made, they are moons. 82 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,480 - That's what a moon is. - But the man-made satellites are satellites? 83 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,640 Yes, but to be a moon you have to be a celestial body, 84 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,760 rather than... you COULD count a man... 85 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,560 Well, that makes me a moon, then. 86 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,560 Yes, exactly, there you are. Precisely. 87 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,880 - You orbit my life, Jo. - But you have to be in orbit for at least five years before you can claim benefits. 88 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:36,760 LAUGHTER 89 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:40,640 Exactly right. But the quite interesting thing about this is the point that raised 90 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:43,080 Jimmy Carr's tremendous eyebrows earlier, which is 91 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,520 that facts don't remain stable. 92 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:49,960 Things we know, or think we know, will be untrue. 93 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:53,200 LAUGHTER 94 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:56,880 Very good. Will be untrue in a number of years' time. 95 00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,520 - Yes. Appropriately, you look a bit like Patrick Moore. - I'm trying to do a Mexican wave. 96 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,160 Yes, you do look like Patrick Moore. 97 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,160 "We just...we just don't know." 98 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,920 LAUGHTER 99 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:10,600 Can I just say, I did a course at university called... 100 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,200 Shut up! 101 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,280 - I bloody did. - No! 102 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:17,720 I bloody did, and it was called the Sociology of Science, and yes, 103 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:22,480 I got a grant for it. It was a complete waste of time. 104 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:26,480 But what I learnt during that course is there's no such thing as a fact. 105 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:29,680 Yes. This is precisely our point. And indeed, at medical colleges, 106 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,920 they usually teach that half of what the medical students are going 107 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:37,800 to learn will be considered untrue in about 10 or 20 years. 108 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,760 And this is known by academics as the half-life of facts. 109 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,120 That's to say, you know half of it will be untrue. 110 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,880 Unfortunately, you don't know exactly which half. 111 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,600 And on QI, an estimated 7% of the things 112 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:53,760 I tell you this evening will be shown to be untrue in a year's time. 113 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,040 And if you're watching a very old repeat on Dave, 114 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,520 - a much bigger proportion. - It's probably untrue now. 115 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,800 It's probably...even what I'm saying now is untrue. 116 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,440 - I'm not even saying it, it's so untrue. - I'm not on the show. 117 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:07,040 We actually have a chart showing the rate of decay of QI facts. 118 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,560 And you can see, there's series A on the right, 119 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:13,360 - and plotted against it is the 10th series, J. - J. 120 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,800 And so, as you can see, the further you get away, 121 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,600 the greater the number of untruths. 122 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,160 60% of things in the first series are bollocks. 123 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,520 Yes, are now untrue. If that's true, yes, that's right. 124 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:26,320 We do talk a lot of bollocks, in fairness. 125 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:30,400 But the most important thing, you'll be excited to know, is that that means over the years, 126 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:33,080 cumulatively, you must be owed a lot of points. 127 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:37,840 And going according to this theory, things we have said are wrong, 128 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:40,760 a proportion of them are likely to have been right. 129 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:44,160 Therefore, we have actually calculated how many points 130 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,360 we owe you. Um, and... 131 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:50,000 - This is, suddenly this has gone brilliantly. Suddenly we're smiling. - Yeah. Jimmy... 132 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,240 Alan is going to be way out in front, isn't he? 133 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:55,600 Jimmy, we owe you 43.58 points. 134 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,800 Jo, 84.73. 135 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,160 Can I use them in Sainsbury's? 136 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,000 LAUGHTER 137 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:06,080 I'm giving you permission. If you work at Sainsbury's and she tries to claim them, yes, she can. 138 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:10,600 The audience are owed 23.24. Well done. 139 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,440 Even not having done anything. 140 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:13,920 APPLAUSE 141 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:20,360 Alan, you are owed 737.66! 142 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,360 APPLAUSE 143 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,920 There you are. 144 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,720 And, um... 145 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,120 Are those transferable? 146 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,320 If I went onto Have I Got News For You, 147 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,840 - could I use... - Yes. - Could I arrive and go, "I've got 24 points that I could use here?" 148 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:39,720 - Yeah. You can take this, yes. - I can just...? - Use them, yeah. - Oh, fabulous. Great news. 149 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:42,040 Mastermind, can I have it on Mastermind? 150 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,240 I don't think you could slip that in, somehow. 151 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,880 Someone's going to have to answer a lot of questions to beat that. 152 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:52,480 - And of course, unfortunately, Graham, you get nothing. - Yes. Yeah, no. - That's really unfair. 153 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:55,360 You're playing it first time and you get a huge disadvantage. 154 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:59,920 Yeah. Well, you needn't have pointed it out. Yes. 155 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:02,560 I'll try and find a way to make it up to you, in some way, 156 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:04,440 by giving you a random 600 points. 157 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:08,680 I'll give you some examples of facts that we gave in good faith on QI. 158 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,880 So in the I series we said nobody knows how to tell 159 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:14,320 the age of a lobster. Well, that was only a few years ago. 160 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:18,280 - Ask it. - I think that's what you said at the time. - And that's right. 161 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,840 - Is that now right? - It isn't now right. 162 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,560 We now know how to communicate with lobsters. 163 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:26,600 One, two, three, four, five, 164 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,720 six, seven, eight, nine... 165 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,760 10. Hold. 11... 166 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,640 Everyone knows that. 167 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,680 In the I series, we said that no-one could tell the age of lobsters 168 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:41,280 but, since then, Canadian scientists have discovered, 169 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:44,040 the way you do, that if you dissect their eye stalks 170 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:47,400 and count the rings, you know how old they are. 171 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,880 - Really? - What? - It's not a very kind thing to do. 172 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,240 What you mean is, you know how old they WERE. 173 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,640 LAUGHTER 174 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,920 I think that's a reasonable point. 175 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:02,720 There's a flaw in this plan. I still think you should ask them first. Before you dissect their eye stalks! 176 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:06,840 Another one was in the G series. We said giraffes' necks may have evolved for fighting each other, 177 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:11,600 which was commonly held by quite a few zoologists. But it now seems this hypothesis is not believed. 178 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,480 - And in the A series... - They used to like wading across deep rivers. 179 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:19,120 Yes, that, keeping their necks above, very, very deep. 180 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,040 LAUGHTER 181 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,960 - As the river got higher... - Yeah. - ..they evolved. 182 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,480 LAUGHTER 183 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:30,440 - That might prove to be correct. - It might, you see. Who am I to say it isn't? 184 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:35,000 In the A series, we said that the best-endowed millipede had 710 legs. 185 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:38,560 Soon afterwards, a millipede with 750 turned up, 186 00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,880 but that's still the greatest number we know. 187 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:44,000 - Is there someone checking them? - Yes. That's superb. 188 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:48,480 I like the idea that counting a millipede's legs, you would lose... You'd have to keep going back. 189 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,920 - Yes, you would, exactly. - Argh! One, two... 190 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,440 Yeah, it's the same thing... 191 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:55,120 - Many times. - It's the same thing with all these things, 192 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,880 before they count the legs, they kill it. 193 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,760 LAUGHTER 194 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,720 - It's true. - So the legs are very still. Just pluck them off. 195 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,080 - Oh, dear! - One... 196 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:10,560 - She loves me. - Two, three... It might still be alive. 197 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,560 They might think it was dead, and then they'd just hear it go, "Argh!" 198 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:15,160 LAUGHTER 199 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:19,520 - "Argh! Argh!" - Do you know, that's an interesting fact, that's how they make worms. 200 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,640 LAUGHTER 201 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,960 - It's true. True story. - Brilliant. 202 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,880 Yeah, a worm would come along, 203 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,600 "Are you not doing anything with these legs? 204 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:32,880 "Now you've counted them off the millipede, can I have four?" 205 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,560 And a whole new species is born. 206 00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:37,560 - Yeah. - And that is how sausage dogs are made. 207 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:41,360 - And Daschunds, exactly. - Yeah. - We've discovered a lot of new science here, none of which is 208 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,720 likely to be disproved, or possibly may come round again to be proved. 209 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:48,600 Now, how much do you know about Scotland's Mr Smellie? 210 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:52,640 Was he one of the Mr Men that was dropped? 211 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:56,320 That's a really good point. I can tell you his name. William Smellie. 212 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:59,560 - 19th-century gentleman. He came from a family... - Billy Smellie. 213 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:02,760 We know little about him actually because he came from 214 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:06,880 a banned Protestant sect who were so persecuted that they didn't 215 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,600 keep any documents about their births, deaths and marriages. 216 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,160 I should think he was fairly persecuted at school as well. 217 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:14,880 - Being called Smellie. - SCOTTISH ACCENT: - Stinky Smellie! 218 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:16,320 "Oh, original, thanks." 219 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:20,360 Anyway, he rose from relative obscurity 220 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:24,800 and then he got paid £200 for heading up the team on something 221 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,440 that has a thistle as is emblem 222 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:29,200 - but has in its name something that means British. - The... 223 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:32,320 - Of course. The British... - Say it. - Encyclopaedia Britannica. 224 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,880 That is the right answer. The Encyclopaedia Britannica. 225 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:36,720 That's surely worth... Nothing, really? 226 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,040 APPLAUSE 227 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:45,840 Surely it was easier to do that in the days before the Internet, though. 228 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:49,240 - Yes. - If you tried to research now, you'd get sidetracked. 229 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,480 I get very sidetracked very easily. 230 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,600 Yes, I'll just get to B for bras. Oh. 231 00:11:57,840 --> 00:11:59,720 That's a day lost. 232 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,440 LAUGHTER 233 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:05,680 I hate Encyclopaedia Britannica because I had very aspirational 234 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:10,280 parents and everyone else in my class was reading Jackie magazine 235 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:13,280 and I had to read the bloody Encyclopaedia Britannica. 236 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,360 - It was a symbol of that, wasn't it? - Oh, my God. 237 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,160 It's like a dictionary that sort of just won't stop. 238 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:21,760 It gets the word and then goes, "And another thing..." 239 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:23,480 It is discursive. Very true. 240 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,080 Another of its early editors was called Andrew Bell, 241 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,040 who was four and a half feet tall 242 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,480 and had a very big nose, as you will see. 243 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,360 He looks slightly like me, disturbingly. 244 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:36,600 I'll be honest with you, I think that's a regular-sized nose on a tiny man. 245 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,280 He had a great sense of humour, though. 246 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:40,840 If anybody pointed out or laughed at his nose, he'd rush off 247 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:44,040 into another room and come back with a bigger one made of papier-mache. 248 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,760 I bet he could tell when Mr Smellie was coming round. 249 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:50,040 - I'll tell you what I know about that guy. - Yeah. 250 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:53,320 - Very little. - Hey! - LAUGHTER 251 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,360 That is quite good. I had to think about that. 252 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:58,400 Anyway, the first edition of the Encyclopaedia Britannica took 253 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:02,120 - three years to write, cost £12 for three volumes. - Three volumes! 254 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:05,560 - The world's knowledge? - Yes, but the first volume is A to B. 255 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,560 They obviously thought, "Oh, sod this. 256 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:11,320 "I've done A to B, I've only got one volume. 257 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:14,040 "I'll do C to Z in one volume." 258 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,520 - The deadline was looming. - Exactly. 259 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:22,040 With the decay of facts, I presume it's all bollocks. 260 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,800 This is a good test for that. What facts are in there? 261 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,560 One is K for Kensington. 262 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,840 See if you can come up with a good definition of Kensington. 263 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:34,480 A borough in London. A place. An area of London town. 264 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,440 No. Nowhere near. 265 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,880 A pleasant village two miles west of London. 266 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,960 - Which is what it was then, you see. - Wow. 267 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,400 And California here is spelt with two Ls 268 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,120 and it's called a large country in the West Indies. 269 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:51,800 Possibly an island or a peninsula, it's not known. 270 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,440 That's pretty way-off, isn't it? 271 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:55,600 I mean, there must come a point where he went, 272 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:59,880 - "We don't know anything about this. Shall I put it in?" - Yes. 273 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:02,120 "California. It could be a place or a thing. 274 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:06,280 "No-one knows. It might be a person. Good luck." How is that an entry? 275 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,680 What does Encyclopaedia mean? 276 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,640 Because it sounds like a kiddie fiddler on a bike. 277 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,360 LAUGHTER 278 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,320 APPLAUSE 279 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:26,160 There's a big difference between words with P-A-E and P-A-I. Paedos and paidos. 280 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:28,240 Sometimes it is very tricky, I grant you. 281 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,680 It could get an idiot into trouble. 282 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,240 LAUGHTER 283 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:40,840 - I didn't mean it in that way. - I don't know what you're laughing at. 284 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,440 The entry for woman in the original version just says, 285 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,680 "The female of man. See homo." 286 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:48,080 LAUGHTER 287 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:51,280 He will tell you everything you need to know. 288 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,600 - Because he's their best friend. - Aw! 289 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,640 Applause is defined as following. 290 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,440 An approbation of something signified by clapping the hands. 291 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,160 Still practised in theatres. 292 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,320 In the 1960s, an American called Dr Harvey Einbinder 293 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,600 - so hated Encyclopaedia Britannica he wrote a book... - I hate it! - Exactly. 294 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,600 He wrote a book where he listed all the things that were wrong in it. 295 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:17,400 - 390 pages long. - Oh, I like the sound of him. - The Myth Of Britannica. 296 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,960 - What's his name? - Harvey Einbinder. 297 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:26,120 - Does he only have one binder? - We meet at last, Mr Einbinder. 298 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,560 With his massive binder. 299 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,240 Don't touch my binder! 300 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,760 - Maybe that's why he hated... - This is the binder you seek. 301 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:39,280 "Encyclopaedia Britannica has 52 binders and I only have one!" 302 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,760 Ein Binder! 303 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:44,560 He might have pronounced it Ein-BIN-der, for all we know. 304 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,160 Ein-BIN-der? 305 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,320 William Smellie was the first editor of the Encyclopaedia Britannica. 306 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,400 Now, what did the inventor of the thermometer 307 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,280 spend 30 years measuring? 308 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,000 I'm going to say temperature, OK? 309 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,160 - KLAXON - Oh! 310 00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,760 - Wa-hey! - Do you know what, Alan? 311 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:02,320 You've got points to burn this evening. Just relax. 312 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:05,680 - Sometimes it's right, you know, sometimes he goes, "Yes, it is." - Exactly. 313 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,480 I know a joke about thermometers, about nurses and thermometers. 314 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,120 It's about a rectal thermometer. 315 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:13,920 - Go on. - Well, a nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket 316 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,240 and goes, "Aw! Some arsehole's got my pen." 317 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,240 LAUGHTER 318 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,680 It's an old joke. It's an old joke. 319 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:27,000 It's very fine, though. Very fine. 320 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:29,360 One very old nurses' joke that we used to... 321 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,880 was that a nurse comes running in and says to the matron, 322 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,840 "Oh, dear, I think I've got something the wrong way round. 323 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,160 "You asked me to prick someone's boil." 324 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:40,000 LAUGHTER 325 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:44,280 - Very good. - I do know quite an interesting fact about thermometers. 326 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,600 - Thermometers. - The difference between an oral and rectal thermometer. 327 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,120 Yeah, I hope you do know the difference! 328 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:51,640 - Yeah. Taste. - Oh! 329 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,200 LAUGHTER 330 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,840 No, his name was Sanctorius Sanctorius. At least that 331 00:16:56,840 --> 00:17:00,120 was his Latinised name. He was from Padua, and there you can see him. 332 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:04,400 - Right. - He's weighing himself, that's a special balance he had created. - Oh, he's weighing himself? 333 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,560 Every single day he'd weigh himself AND the food he ate. 334 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:12,520 And, indeed, the faeces and urine that he expelled, he excreted. 335 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:15,920 Was it some sort of weird Weight Watchers thing he was on? 336 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,840 What he discovered is that his urine and faeces weighed 337 00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:22,160 only a fraction of what he'd eaten and drunk, but despite that, 338 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,720 he stayed the same weight, which is amazing, he thought. 339 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:29,760 He thought, "Why is it if I put in, say, 100 pounds of food, 340 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:33,480 "but I poo out only 30 pounds of faeces..." 341 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,160 It had taken him 30 years... 342 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:38,400 Did he not work out that there's a fuel thing? 343 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,240 It is easy to look back at past generations and say, 344 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:44,360 "How can you not have known?" But, of course, NONE of them knew. 345 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:48,160 And really, before people like him, who was almost one of the world's first scientists, 346 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:52,280 - they hadn't measured and calibrated things. - You're absolutely right about all of those things. 347 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,120 - Well, as right as we know. - However... - Yeah? - 30 Years! 348 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:58,160 I mean, really, after three years with the same... 349 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,800 Oh, no, he had a theory, but his theory was wrong, that's all. 350 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,360 His theory was that the rest came out of your skin 351 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:07,280 so it was very dangerous to cover most of your skin, because you wouldn't let the poison out. 352 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:10,680 He knew that faeces was poisonous, or at least toxic and bad for you. 353 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:12,800 Its smell is a big warning, obviously. 354 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,400 Sorry, your faeces smell? 355 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,960 Of Parma Violets. Yeah. 356 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,040 Jimmy's make a noise. 357 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:23,760 They point at him. 358 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,280 They emit a totally different... 359 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:27,960 They're very unusual. 360 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,760 It's one in a million people who have noisy faeces. 361 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,320 - "Aah!" - HE IMITATES TOILET FLUSHING 362 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:39,680 Very good. He co-invented, with his fellow at Padua, 363 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,400 a much better-known scientist. 364 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:44,240 Who would that be, in the same period? 365 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,560 - Co-invented? - Da Vinci. - His co-inventor. Not Da Vinci, no. 366 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,840 Is he going to be Centigrade, or... 367 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,960 - JO: Galileo. - It won't be future. - Galileo. 368 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,840 - Galileo is the right answer. - Oh, I nearly said Galileo! 369 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,640 - APPLAUSE - Thank you. 370 00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:00,400 I was going to say Scaramouche or Fandango. 371 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,360 Galileo Galilei. 372 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:04,960 Can do the Fandango! 373 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,400 Yes, he could, darling, that's right. 374 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,640 Thunderbolt and lightning! 375 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:13,480 - Oh, no. Please! - Very, very frightening! 376 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:17,600 - Stop. Behave. - That's what one of Jimmy's poos sounds like! - No. 377 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,920 "Galileo, Galileo! You all right in there, Jimmy?!" 378 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,120 LAUGHTER 379 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:25,120 Be out in a minute, I'm reading a very interesting article! 380 00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,320 Your faeces is made up of 70%... 381 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,800 - Shit. - ..liquid! 382 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,920 30% solid. It just takes a bit of separating out. 383 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,440 Not that I would urge you to do it when you get home! 384 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,560 When I get home? Why wait?! 385 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:43,120 I've got a centrifuge in my dressing room! 386 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:49,240 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Of that dry weight, 30% is what? 387 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,200 Corn on the cob. 388 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:59,600 - More than 30%. If you've had two. - Oh, dear. Heavens. 389 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:02,640 Do you know that when they go into space in a weightless environment, 390 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,680 - they poo into the wall? - What do you mean into the wall? 391 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:08,080 - Like a hole in the wall? - A hole in the wall, yeah. 392 00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:10,320 They don't smear it on the wall. 393 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,760 It turns out the best way to relieve yourself 394 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:18,000 in a weightless environment is through a hole in the wall. 395 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:22,520 - It's easier to do that than go down or up. - I do that with the shower. 396 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,080 You admitted it, which many people wouldn't. 397 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,880 Who doesn't poo in the shower? 398 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,720 LAUGHTER 399 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,000 You bad man. 400 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:36,440 Everyone would know if Jimmy pooed in the shower. 401 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:37,880 Pooing into the wall of a... 402 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:41,240 So, the space station is built with a little glory hole thing... 403 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,160 If you want to call it that. 404 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,880 You're too much slightly in the know to know what that is. 405 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:49,440 Like in a Welcome Break services, they've got that... 406 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,160 On the second junction. What? 407 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:56,080 What is your problem? Everyone knows that. Never on a Tuesday. 408 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,160 A glory hole on a spaceship! 409 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:07,480 There's also about three people on this station at any one time. 410 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,080 By a process of elimination, 411 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,440 it's only going to be one of two other people. 412 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:15,840 - That's true. You can't... - This is John. It's not Elaine. 413 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,120 You'd recognise... 414 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:21,440 I thought there was a fourth one and that was their role in the mission. 415 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:25,360 I mean, if you're going to Mars, it's going to take five years. 416 00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:28,120 Your job is a very important job. 417 00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:33,800 - You go in this room with a hole in the wall. - Oh, dear. 418 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,760 And people guess your name. 419 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,520 But the other thing that happens 420 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:40,600 when you go into space is you don't snore, I believe. Do you know this? 421 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,600 I didn't. That's a beautiful little fact. 422 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,720 - So far. - You sleep in these... Well... - Yes, of course. 423 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,360 Cos there's no gravity, it doesn't affect your vocal cords. 424 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,600 That's an extreme cure, though, isn't it? 425 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,480 I'm going to try the little things first. 426 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,520 - That's the next step. - It's quite expensive to go intergalactic. 427 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,560 I imagine there are wives watching this going, 428 00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,800 "Yeah, it's going to have to be space. 429 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,640 "Even then, I think he might wake me." 430 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:07,160 Anyway, what can you find out by hiding under a student's bed? 431 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,640 - BUZZER - Yes, Jo? 432 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:14,600 I've got to go for this. Is it a massive pile of porn mags? 433 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:17,680 - That's probably true. - I thought that would go off. - Those were the days. 434 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,920 I think, I think now you've got the internet, it's... 435 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:21,680 Yeah, you wouldn't, really. 436 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:24,160 Broadband are doing a terrific job now. Terrific. 437 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,000 I think that's a bit sad though, in a way. 438 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,320 It's not, yeah, they were... 439 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,680 - You prefer mags. - Not for men. - No, not personally. 440 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,800 LAUGHTER 441 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:34,320 They did this in the 1930s, it was extremely unethical, 442 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,040 but we're in pursuit of knowledge, which is our theme today. 443 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:38,920 - Oh, scientists? - So they were researchers. 444 00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:41,120 They were researching, and the only way to find out 445 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:43,880 what people are saying without knowing they're being overheard 446 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:47,000 was to hide somewhere and take notes while they were talking. 447 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,880 And they wanted to know what sort of things students spoke about. 448 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,520 - So they used to hide underneath the beds? - Yeah, and take notes. 449 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:55,240 It sounds to me, Stephen, I don't want to, you know, throw stones 450 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:58,040 at these lovely scientists, but it sounds to me like a cover story. 451 00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:00,800 You wait, you wait till I get to some other unethical scientists, 452 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,320 - you hold that back. Because it gets worse. - Oh, tell me more! 453 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:05,240 We're on the subject of unethical research. 454 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,840 And basically, this was the only way you can have of being sure 455 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,680 that you know what people are talking about with absolute clarity. 456 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,240 Because people change what they say 457 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:15,160 when they know someone's listening, someone outside their circle. 458 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:18,560 But the idea was to discover what the main subject was, that people spoke about. 459 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:19,640 They listened to... 460 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,480 They just thought, "They'll never look under the bed!" 461 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,080 Why would you look under a bed?! 462 00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:26,200 There's nothing interesting down there! 463 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,120 Yeah, where they could overhear them. 464 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:31,040 And they discovered that 40% of their conversation was devoted to? 465 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:34,080 - The opposite sex. - No, it wasn't that. It was themselves. 466 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,240 It was a study in egocentricity. They spoke about themselves. 467 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,800 - I would never do that. - A-ha-ha! 468 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,760 Jimmy Carr would never let that happen! 469 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,320 Oh, don't, that's the worst thing in the world you can do! 470 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:46,160 So, there are other dodgy experiments. 471 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:49,040 There was a Personal Space Invasion In The Men's Restroom, 472 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,600 - a study of 1976. - GRAHAM SNORTS 473 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,840 Someone hid a camera under the partition, 474 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:55,440 under the sort of floor space. 475 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,040 "Someone", Stephen? "Someone?" 476 00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,120 LAUGHTER 477 00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,680 You seem to know a lot about this, Stephen! 478 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:03,560 I've got a couple of questions. 479 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:05,560 You like technology, don't you? 480 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,840 And there's a camera in the men's room! 481 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,080 "Oh, I'm just doing a study." "Are you?!" 482 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:14,040 - It was... - Apologise, Stephen! 483 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:17,400 It was to see how they filled space when, if there was one person, 484 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:21,000 say the third in a row of six, where would the average person go? 485 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:24,320 Would it be as far away apart, or would that look too obvious? 486 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:28,040 It's very interesting when you go in there, because I used to be, I don't have it any more, 487 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,640 but I used to be quite a shy pee-er, are you aware of shy peeing? 488 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,880 - Yeah, of course. - I have a technique for that. - What's your technique? 489 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,080 My technique for shy peeing is, 490 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,720 I think of the most embarrassing thing I can do. 491 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:44,120 I just think of doing something like saying, "I think I love you", 492 00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:47,480 or just something like that, and then it's all go. 493 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:52,120 - When you say, "I love you", you will automatically pee. - Have a little wee. 494 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,240 I don't need to say it, I just need to THINK it. 495 00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,560 And I always have to imagine it very, very realistically. 496 00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:00,800 I imagine the guy going, "What?! Did he really say that?" 497 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,760 And then the next thing it's just, you know, it's no longer a problem. 498 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:08,440 It is very maddening when you've been absolutely bursting to go 499 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,400 and then, hello. "Come on! Come on!" 500 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:11,800 I find men's rooms... 501 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:15,000 There's a story about Bono going into a men's room 502 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:19,520 and standing up there and the guy standing beside him, a long silence, 503 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:23,800 and then eventually the guy saying, "Bit of stage fright, Bono?" 504 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,800 JIMMY HOOTS UPROARIOUSLY 505 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:28,560 But in 1942, and this is the one 506 00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:31,160 where you're going to go, "Yeah, right(!)", 507 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,480 a psychologist called Lawrence LeShan 508 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,800 tried to use sleep-learning at a summer camp... 509 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,720 - Yeah, right(!) - ..to cure some boys of nail-biting. 510 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,680 - Oh, no. - He recorded the phrase, 511 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:44,040 "My fingernails are terribly bitter," on a phonograph, 512 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:47,720 and then played it 300 times a night in the boys' tent, or room or whatever it was. 513 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:49,920 And they all went on to kill and kill again? 514 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:51,960 One boy appeared to respond positively, 515 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,800 but then after five weeks the phonograph broke. 516 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:57,760 So, to keep the experiment running, 517 00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:01,000 he stood in the boys' dormitory through the night 518 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,280 and repeated the phrase himself. 519 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,520 "My fingernails taste terribly bitter." 520 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,680 This seemed to work, and he claimed it as a success. 521 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,400 It's thought, generally, these days, that the boys were awake 522 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:12,360 and just freaked out by the experience 523 00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:15,680 and they stopped biting their nails to make the nasty man go away. 524 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:18,040 It's all very peculiar. Anyway, moving on. 525 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:21,200 How did the Romans tell their Keiths from their Kevins? 526 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,760 Some Keiths and Kevins there, in case you don't know what they are. 527 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:29,320 - Keith Richards. - Kevin Bacon... Kevin Keegan. Keith Lemon. 528 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:31,920 Well done, that's enough. That's all, you won't get any more. 529 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:33,520 The other ones don't look real. 530 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:36,040 - No... And they're looking... - Are they the actual Romans? 531 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:40,000 I think on the far left, that's Burger King, isn't it? 532 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,320 I think it might be, it does look a bit like it. 533 00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:45,320 They could have... Because in Latin they both mean the same? 534 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,680 It's not that. It doesn't have to be Keiths and Kevins, 535 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,640 it means how did Romans know people's names? 536 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:52,520 - How do they know people's names? - Because we all forget them... 537 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:55,680 - JO: Did they remember them? - No. That's the point, they'd forgotten. 538 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:57,600 - Badge, they had a badge. - No. 539 00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:59,320 You have a special servant. 540 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,000 A servant to say your name? 541 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,440 A nomenclator. Not to say YOUR name! 542 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,080 LAUGHTER 543 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:08,200 - I'm assuming you'll remember your own name! - This is Pepe! 544 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:12,320 It's when you forget other people's. So you come in and the person whispers, "Alan Davies", 545 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:14,120 and you go, "Alan, how lovely to see you!" 546 00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:16,680 Because otherwise you've forgotten, like a politician. 547 00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:20,120 - That's very useful. - Yeah. Absolutely right. And politicians... 548 00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:21,800 - I have a technique for names. - Yeah? 549 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,920 If I've forgotten someone's name, I just say, 550 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,880 "Excuse me for a second", and then I go home. 551 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:28,440 LAUGHTER 552 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:31,080 APPLAUSE 553 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:33,000 Works every time! 554 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:37,400 - If you're the nomenclator... - Yes? 555 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:40,760 ..and you keep saying, "This is Steve. This is Fiona." 556 00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,520 - Stevius, Fiona. - After a while he goes, "I know. I know that one!" 557 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:45,680 Yes, you would. You're allowed to tell them... 558 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:49,680 Just tell me the ones I don't know. She thinks I've forgotten her name! 559 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:52,000 I really thought I was in there, 560 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,640 and now you've just gone "Fiona", 561 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:57,960 as if I didn't know it was... Look at her face now! 562 00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:00,400 Go over there and say, "He knew, I was just doing my job. 563 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:03,600 "He wants you to know that he knew you were Fiona." 564 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:08,800 "This is your wife, Susan. You've been married 15 years." 565 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:11,040 I actually do have a system involving my wife, 566 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,920 which is, we go over to someone whose name I don't know, 567 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:16,640 and I just stand there in total silence, 568 00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:19,360 and then eventually my wife says, "I'm sorry, my name's Helen." 569 00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:23,360 And the guy says, "Oh, I'm Gary," and I go, "I'm sorry. This is Gary! Gary, Helen. Helen, Gary." 570 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,680 - Didn't I introduce you? I thought I, yeah... - Yeah. 571 00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:29,080 Just as soon as they say it, you go, "Ah!" And then you sort of... 572 00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:31,840 Is that a system, per se? LAUGHTER 573 00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:35,920 - Sounds like you being awkward at a party. - I'm sorry, I am... 574 00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:37,600 So, moving on to self knowledge. 575 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:40,480 How do you know when you have enough? 576 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:42,200 Everyone always tells me. 577 00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:48,120 - It's normally... It's a tap on the shoulder, isn't it? - I think, Jimmy... 578 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,920 - Jimmy... - It's the cold steel around both wrists. 579 00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:56,360 And the clanging of the door, and the one phone call. 580 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,160 "I've had enough. 581 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,160 "Who am I speaking to?" 582 00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:12,200 - Oh, dear. - Are we talking food here? - We are talking food. 583 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,120 JO: I don't, really. 584 00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:19,840 The fact is this is about knowledge and you think you're full when, 585 00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:22,120 as it were, you know you've had enough, which is 586 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:24,120 obviously not knowledge - it is memory. 587 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:26,560 You can test this on people with short-term memory loss. 588 00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:29,880 I mean amnesiacs, who immediately forget what's just happened. 589 00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:33,600 - I'm sorry, what were you saying? - Exactly. Thank you very much. 590 00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:35,920 So, there are people who have this condition. 591 00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:39,560 They forget that they've eaten, say, 20 minutes, half an hour afterwards. 592 00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:42,920 And you ask them if they'd like to eat and they will eat three or four 593 00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:45,800 heavy meals when they are obviously completely stuffed 594 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:49,040 because they don't remember eating. They literally don't remember it. 595 00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:52,120 There is a trick you can do with a bowl of thick soup which has 596 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:55,400 got a clever little mechanism on it so that, while people aren't 597 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,720 looking, it fills itself up again or empties itself ahead of time. 598 00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:00,920 Some people think they've had the full bowl of soup 599 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:04,360 when they've actually had less or they've actually had a lot more. 600 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:08,800 I've got a similar device for desserts, which is my girlfriend. 601 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:12,440 She won't order one but I'll order one and then it just goes missing. 602 00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:16,840 - It works with chips as well. - Very good. 603 00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:19,440 She hasn't had dessert in ten years. 604 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:21,240 I've had a lot of half desserts. 605 00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:25,360 Anyway, that's enough about that sort of thing. Diet. 606 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:28,600 We feel full after a meal not just because we are 607 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:31,320 but because we think we are. A question about kith and kin now. 608 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:34,960 What's the best way of avoiding talking to your mother-in-law? 609 00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,240 BUZZER 610 00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:40,280 - Yes, Jo? - Removing her vocal cords, 611 00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:42,400 with some pliers! 612 00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:45,280 That's the best way of avoiding HER talking to YOU. 613 00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:47,320 JIMMY: Well, lean in for the kiss. 614 00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:51,560 - Ugh! Oddly enough, you're in the right, hideous area. - Really? 615 00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:55,200 Prince Charles's hair is being stealthily removed 616 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:59,560 from his head by Camilla's hair-grabbing, hair-eating hat. 617 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:01,880 LAUGHTER 618 00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:04,080 It's like a Triffid. 619 00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:07,880 And she's operating it slyly with her hand and going like that. 620 00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:10,080 And the hair is being sucked into that hat. 621 00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,400 - She's looking down at the dial. - The hat devours it! 622 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:15,520 If you don't like your mother-in-law, 623 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,680 what hope is there for you? 624 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:20,640 I view the mother-in-law as, it's Christmas Future. 625 00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:23,440 - Yes, that's true. - If you don't like your mother-in-law, 626 00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:27,480 you're in trouble, 20 years down the line. That's what you're buying into. 627 00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:32,400 My mother-in-law makes absolutely no sound when she moves. 628 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:33,920 LAUGHTER 629 00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:37,480 That's remarkable. Like Jeeves. 630 00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:40,400 She is the stealthiest person. 631 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:42,920 You've got a stealth mother-in-law. Is she sprayed black? 632 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:45,880 Honestly, she could be a brilliant spy, you know? 633 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,760 You might be in a room and you're looking in a thing or something, 634 00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:52,520 and then suddenly she'll go, "Hello." "Oh, Jesus! 635 00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:55,560 "Where did you come from?! Where did you come from?! 636 00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:57,280 "It's a long way from the door!" 637 00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,440 Anybody would have gone, "Ahem," made a little noise. Nothing. 638 00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:03,480 Oh, that's terrible. It's like the famous story 639 00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:04,800 of the boy who was, you know, 640 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:07,920 having a play with himself in his bedroom, with his eyes closed. 641 00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:10,560 And by the way, I was not doing, I was not playing with myself! 642 00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:13,800 - No, not you. - In this story, before you conflate them. 643 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:17,040 - No, that's true. - What's that story or that thing where Alan Davies, 644 00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:19,320 and his mother-in-law comes up behind him? 645 00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:21,400 Let's just separate those two things! 646 00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:24,000 All right. But he closes his eyes in bliss 647 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,280 and when he opens them afterwards, 648 00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:28,640 he just finds a cup of tea next to him! 649 00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:30,360 LAUGHTER 650 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,120 It sounds so appalling! 651 00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:37,520 She thought, "Well, your father always likes a cup of tea afterwards!" 652 00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:39,840 And a biscuit! 653 00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:41,840 APPLAUSE 654 00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:45,200 Oh, gracious! Oh, Alan! 655 00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:48,280 Les Dawson gets a hard time for mother-in-law jokes. 656 00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:52,320 - And they are the best mother-in-law jokes. - Remind us of some. 657 00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:54,880 - Copyright Les Dawson. - Copyright Les Dawson was the, 658 00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:56,760 "Walking down the street with my wife. 659 00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:59,800 "I saw my mother-in-law and she was being beaten up by six men. 660 00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:01,680 "My wife said, 'Aren't you going to help?' 661 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:03,320 "I said, 'Six should be enough.'" 662 00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:05,680 LAUGHTER 663 00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:06,800 Brilliant. 664 00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:13,600 The weird... When I was growing up, starting in comedy, it was like, 665 00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:16,200 - "Oh, yeah, he just tells mother-in-law jokes." - I know. 666 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:18,760 - He was frowned on. - He was sort of a genius. - A complete genius. 667 00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:20,680 - AS LES DAWSON: - My mother-in-law came round. 668 00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:24,240 The mice were throwing themselves on the traps. 669 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:26,040 LAUGHTER 670 00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:30,800 STEPHEN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY 671 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:36,640 That piano playing act is one of the greatest things of all time. 672 00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:39,000 - Which is very difficult to do. - Yeah, so I believe. 673 00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:41,880 - He'd do The Blue Danube... - HE HUMS TUNE 674 00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:43,200 - ..like that. - Hit the bum note. 675 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:45,760 Enough. We haven't even begun to answer this question yet. 676 00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:48,200 It's about sexual taboos with mothers-in-laws... 677 00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:49,840 Sexual taboos with mother-in-laws?! 678 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:51,880 Taboos, and there is this particular language 679 00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:55,760 - where you have a special language... - What?! - ..in which to speak to your mother-in-law. 680 00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:57,440 It's called an avoidance language, 681 00:33:57,440 --> 00:33:59,840 so you have your own, the natural line of language. 682 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:02,360 We've got one of those, haven't we? It's called small talk. 683 00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,280 But this has a different vocabulary and it's absolutely different. 684 00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:08,880 A whole language where you can talk to your mother-in-law so it's just safe subjects? 685 00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:12,720 You also have to avert the eyes and look at the ground, which is part of using that language. 686 00:34:12,720 --> 00:34:15,360 And there are certain words that don't exist in that language, 687 00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:18,200 - most notably things like pubic hair and sweaty smells. - JO: But why? 688 00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:21,120 Because there is a taboo and a sense of respect 689 00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:24,000 that is given by the male to the mother of his wife. 690 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:25,400 It's in Australia. 691 00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:28,480 There's some Aboriginal peoples who have these avoidance languages. 692 00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:30,640 And it's really fascinating, isn't it? 693 00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:34,240 In Japan, they have a special language when talking about the royal family. 694 00:34:34,240 --> 00:34:37,120 Is there a phrase for "You've spilt the Tippex," 695 00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:38,760 in their culture? 696 00:34:39,720 --> 00:34:41,440 Someone needs to address that. 697 00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:43,760 You're so bad. You're so bad! 698 00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:46,880 Now, what did this bird bring to the German city of Klutz? 699 00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:50,680 - Chlamydia. - Chlamydia! 700 00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:54,680 - The Chlamydia Stork. - It's a good idea. The Chlamydia Stork! 701 00:34:54,680 --> 00:34:57,440 Sounds like a desperate man back from a business trip in Holland, 702 00:34:57,440 --> 00:35:01,840 - going, "Ah, ah, the thing is, storks." - Yes! 703 00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:05,640 Is that a particular, like a giant stork that you only find in Germany? 704 00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:08,560 I'll show you a picture of it. It's been stuffed and is in a museum. 705 00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:09,680 How big is it, really? 706 00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:12,480 Well, it's hard to tell the scale, but storks are quite big. 707 00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:14,920 But that's an arrow through it, or spear, rather. 708 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:17,240 They call it an arrow in German, which is Pfeil, 709 00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:19,400 and it's known as the Pfeilstorch, 710 00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:21,280 which is just literally "arrow stork". 711 00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:24,200 Now, you may say what's odd about that? Nothing, particularly. 712 00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:28,480 But what they recognised was that the arrow was not German. 713 00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:30,320 Indeed it was not even European. 714 00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:34,280 - But they recognised right away that it was African. - That it had flown a very long way. 715 00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:36,080 What on earth would a bird be doing 716 00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:38,560 with an African spear in its neck, they thought? 717 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:41,680 So they puzzled out the possibility that birds, 718 00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:44,120 rather than disappearing at winter... 719 00:35:44,120 --> 00:35:46,360 - Oh, went to Africa. - Yes, migrated. 720 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:48,760 - Sorry, are you saying it flew back with that... - Yes. 721 00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:50,920 - It survived. - No way! - I know, yeah. 722 00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:53,960 - I was just... I mean, no way! - It happened. Yes, it did. 723 00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:57,000 It flew to Germany going, "Well, I'm never going back there." 724 00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,720 LAUGHTER 725 00:35:59,720 --> 00:36:02,480 "The worst holiday ever!" 726 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:04,920 APPLAUSE 727 00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:08,360 I find that... The survival of that bird, I find extraordinary, that it arrived. 728 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:11,360 It is. But you hear stories of bullets piercing people's heads 729 00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:12,840 without somehow managing to... 730 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:15,440 Not an arrow travelling the length of 731 00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:17,360 its neck and through its head. 732 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:20,080 I know. It is astounding that it flew. 733 00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:21,640 - "Something's different!" - Yeah. 734 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:24,520 Do you think it was originally from Germany? Or it got kind of... 735 00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:27,560 It was from England and somehow, "Whoa, we're going right a bit!" 736 00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:31,160 It might have slightly tilted to the right, we don't know. It was in the 1820s. 737 00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:34,120 In the Spanish Inquisition, they used to put people on spikes. 738 00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:37,320 - They'd put the spike up your bum hole... - Oh, don't. 739 00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:40,400 ..and right up through you and it'd come out your shoulder 740 00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:43,120 and it would miss all the vital organs and you'd be alive. 741 00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:45,600 - That's not nice, is it? - And they'd put you up in the square. 742 00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:48,680 I'm beginning really to think less and less of the Spanish Inquisition, 743 00:36:48,680 --> 00:36:51,560 - let's be honest. - 350 years, it went on. 744 00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:53,720 - I thought it was, you know... - Oh, no. 745 00:36:53,720 --> 00:36:55,320 ..a couple of weeks. 746 00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:57,240 LAUGHTER 747 00:36:57,240 --> 00:37:00,280 Then it was safe to go back! Back to Marbella. 748 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:03,560 - 350 years! - It wasn't always as torturous as it is. 749 00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:07,200 - They did some terrible things. - They did. But not for 300 years solid. 750 00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:09,200 When it wasn't torturous, what would they do? 751 00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:12,240 Well, they would test your faith, but they wouldn't punish you by... 752 00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:14,240 There was a lot of tickling. 753 00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:17,440 There was 100 years where it was mainly Chinese burns. 754 00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:22,360 "You do believe in God. Yes, you do! Yes, you do! Yes, you bloody do. 755 00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:26,240 Anyway, until that time, people had observed birds disappearing, 756 00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:29,200 and they'd assumed all kinds of things, that they went underwater, 757 00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:32,080 that, you know, they changed into other animals, but there was no 758 00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:35,200 - particular evidence, except they disappeared. - It was 18...? - 1820. 759 00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:38,800 This was the first kind of clear evidence, as it were, that the bird had been to Africa. 760 00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:41,200 And so things began to get put together. 761 00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:44,440 Samuel Johnson wrote that, "Swallows certainly sleep in the winter. 762 00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:47,400 "A number of them conglobulate together by flying round and round 763 00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:51,120 "and then all in a heap throw themselves underwater and lie on the bed of the river." 764 00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:53,840 That's what he thought, because swallows disappear in winter. 765 00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:56,520 He assumed they hibernated, like other animals. 766 00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:59,040 Butterflies, of course, the migrate thousands of miles 767 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:00,480 but we never see them. 768 00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:03,520 - Why don't we see butterflies migrating? - They're invisible. 769 00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:07,880 They're caterpillars. They migrate as caterpillars. 770 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:11,120 - They migrate, like, super, super slowly. - A long time to get there. 771 00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,920 They are very, very hungry. I read a book about them. 772 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:16,800 The reason is that they are actually a kilometre up. 773 00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:20,000 - They are incredibly high. - Are they? - Yeah. It's really astonishing that 774 00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:22,600 these fragile, delicate creatures manage to get the height 775 00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:24,080 and then, when they are in there, 776 00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:26,960 to orient themselves in such a way that they know they are 777 00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:30,320 all facing the right direction and get thousands of miles. 778 00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:32,640 They're like this, "Whoa!" 779 00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:34,680 It is astonishing, isn't it? 780 00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:37,080 JO: Well, I remember being on a school bus once. 781 00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:39,840 There was a beautiful butterfly on it fluttering around, 782 00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:42,080 trying to get out and I caught it in my hands. 783 00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:43,400 I went, "Go free," 784 00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:47,240 - and I let it out the window and a bird swooped in and ate it. - Oh, no. 785 00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:49,360 That is a metaphor for life, that. 786 00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:51,080 It is, isn't it? It completely is. 787 00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:54,600 Now, get this right and you can have your weight in points. 788 00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:56,520 I'd like you to add these numbers up. 789 00:38:56,520 --> 00:38:59,320 - Look at the screen, add up the numbers. - Hang on. Hang on. Pen. 790 00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:01,560 JO: Oh! 791 00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:03,400 That's silly. 792 00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:05,200 - Nine, nine, nine, nine. - No. 793 00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:08,840 - 431. - No. I'll let you have, 794 00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:11,320 which the winner of this competition did not have, 795 00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:14,680 the opportunity to see it again. All right, again. Two-second burst. 796 00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:17,560 Add that up. 797 00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,520 Oh, it's about 897. 798 00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:21,520 No. It would be astonishing if you got it, 799 00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:22,800 but in Japan - where else? - 800 00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:24,960 they have this. It's called Flash Anzan. 801 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:28,280 And actually the world record-holder had a shorter time than that. 802 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:31,720 You have to correctly add 15 three-digit numbers, 803 00:39:31,720 --> 00:39:34,160 and he did it in 1.7 seconds. 804 00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:37,040 There's a particular reason Japanese people are very good at this. 805 00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:39,560 I think I know the reason. It's in Malcolm Gladwell's book. 806 00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:43,040 It's because of how they process... how the language processes numbers. 807 00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:45,600 There is a strange thing in Chinese and Japanese, 808 00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:49,360 in both languages, with the number, if you say the numbers together, 809 00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:52,000 it automatically adds them up, sort of linguistically. 810 00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:54,640 Yes, but there's a really interesting addition to that, 811 00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:56,240 which is that what they're doing, 812 00:39:56,240 --> 00:39:58,520 and their fingers are the giveaway, they do this. 813 00:39:58,520 --> 00:39:59,760 What do you think that is? 814 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:02,960 That, that is a living one of those! 815 00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:05,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 816 00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:06,800 Come on! 817 00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:09,760 Genius! You see? 818 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:12,840 I've always said, "He's a savant!" 819 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:14,680 Or it's a herd of those! 820 00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:19,000 I read that book and isn't there a thing...? 821 00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:22,600 It's a Malcolm Gladwell book called Outliers. It's brilliant. 822 00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:26,080 The thing about it is they use fewer syllables in the numbers 823 00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:30,560 so that they have greater aptitude for adding them up 824 00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:33,080 - more quickly as children. - That might help them. 825 00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:36,720 The answer, incidentally was 1,966. 826 00:40:36,720 --> 00:40:41,080 But the secret actually is in the Chinese, Japanese abacus. 827 00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:43,760 They're actually doing the action of the abacus. 828 00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:46,040 And the more amazing thing, perhaps, 829 00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:50,040 is that, at the same time, they can have a conversation with someone. 830 00:40:50,040 --> 00:40:52,720 Because it's another part of the brain that's being engaged. 831 00:40:52,720 --> 00:40:55,480 And they'll say the answer, but they won't remember a single one 832 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,000 of the numbers they added up. 833 00:40:57,000 --> 00:40:59,240 I thought about this and thought, "This is crazy." 834 00:40:59,240 --> 00:41:01,960 I've got a composer friend who came round to my house and I happen 835 00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:05,120 to have a full orchestral score of Don Giovanni for the piano and he... 836 00:41:05,120 --> 00:41:06,520 Of course you did! 837 00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:08,480 LAUGHTER 838 00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:10,360 I did! People do! 839 00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:14,000 Anyway, he just opened it like that and he started playing it, 840 00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:17,960 sight-reading, like that, on the piano. And talking to me about it. 841 00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:21,840 "This is the bit where it does that." And I somehow took apart what he was doing. 842 00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:23,720 It's not written out as a piano score, 843 00:41:23,720 --> 00:41:26,400 it's written out as violins, oboes, flutes, cor anglais, 844 00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:28,760 which you have to transpose in your head while doing it, 845 00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:31,720 cos it's written in a different key from the rest of everything else. 846 00:41:31,720 --> 00:41:34,560 So, he's doing that and playing a beautiful transcription 847 00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:37,960 - and talking to me. - The people that do that, they're slightly magic. 848 00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:40,920 - I agree. - And that's a spell they're saying and I go, 849 00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:44,120 - "Yeah, fine, I'll believe that. Might as well be." - I know. 850 00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:47,440 - Conductors, trained musicians. - 10,000 hours. 10,000 hours. 851 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:50,720 That's it. The Beatles, Mozart, all of them, as we know. We think... 852 00:41:50,720 --> 00:41:54,720 - It's a very convincing... - I've done 10,000 hours. - Of this. 853 00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:57,680 Of sitting around, vacantly thinking... 854 00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:02,200 - And you're really getting good at it now. - Being wrong about stuff. 855 00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:05,800 Which brings me to some very complicated adding up of my own, as a matter of fact. 856 00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:08,120 Oh, my gracious goodness, heavens! 857 00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:12,680 The scores are unusual, because we have, of course, been giving scores 858 00:42:12,680 --> 00:42:17,000 to make up for our errors on account of the half-life of facts. 859 00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:18,560 So, in last place, I'm afraid, 860 00:42:18,560 --> 00:42:21,320 it's magnificent for a first appearance, minus 19, 861 00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:22,680 Graham Linehan. 862 00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:24,400 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 863 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:26,600 - Graham, congratulations. - Thank you. 864 00:42:28,240 --> 00:42:32,200 In fourth place, with 23.24, it's the audience! 865 00:42:32,200 --> 00:42:33,560 Well done! 866 00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:40,880 - And in third place... - So I'm behind the audience? 867 00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:43,200 Yes, I'm afraid so. It's deeply unfair. 868 00:42:43,200 --> 00:42:46,360 - The Star Wars guy's in the audience. - I'm on the show! 869 00:42:48,080 --> 00:42:49,520 I'm so sorry. 870 00:42:49,520 --> 00:42:55,040 And in third place, with plus 33.58, is Jimmy Carr. 871 00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:56,560 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 872 00:42:56,560 --> 00:42:57,600 Come on. 873 00:43:00,240 --> 00:43:05,600 In second place, with plus 85.73, Jo Brand. 874 00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:07,240 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 875 00:43:07,240 --> 00:43:08,640 Not bad for a lady! 876 00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:14,040 And today's out-and-out winner, 877 00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:18,520 with 689.66, is Alan Davies! 878 00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:20,760 APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING 879 00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:26,880 It was worth it. 880 00:43:26,880 --> 00:43:30,280 And, so, it's thank you and good night 881 00:43:30,280 --> 00:43:32,440 from Graham, Jimmy, Jo, Alan and me. 882 00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:35,360 Be useful and lovely to yourselves, good night. 883 00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:38,440 APPLAUSE 884 00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:52,720 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd