1 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:26,840 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:35,920 Gooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 3 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:41,960 and welcome to QI, for a show that is unashamedly kinky. 4 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:45,720 Joining me on the top shelf at the newsagent's tonight are... 5 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:48,200 dominatrix Janet Street-Porter. 6 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:49,960 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:53,760 Nun-on-the-run Sandi Toksvig. 8 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,840 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,880 Naughty vicar Johnny Vegas. 10 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,000 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:08,200 And kinky Tinky Winky, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:10,600 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:16,400 Right, but before we get down to business, I want you all to give me the horn. 14 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:17,840 Janet goes... 15 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:21,040 BUZZER: You've been a very naughty boy! 16 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:23,480 Sandi goes... 17 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:25,120 WHIP CRACKS 18 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:27,520 Johnny goes... 19 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,120 SCREAM 20 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,080 And Alan goes... 21 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:36,160 MUSIC: "Match Of The Day Theme" 22 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:39,720 Whatever floats your boat. Now, on with our first question. 23 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:42,480 Describe the technique of the world's greatest kisser. 24 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:45,160 - Was there a contest? - There was. - An actual winner? 25 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:49,320 - There was, and there was a winner. Yeah. - Was it a human, or an animal? 26 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:51,400 It was a human. 27 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,480 Have you been kissed by an animal, ever? Janet? 28 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,280 Mmmmm... A donkey, maybe. 29 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,000 - I've kissed a... - But only in a non-sexual... - You didn't know? 30 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:05,080 Do you know, a tiny, tiny bit of bile came up in the back of my throat. 31 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:09,040 This was a competition, and as you might imagine, 32 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:12,640 if cliche were piled upon cliche, which nationality would win? 33 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,320 - Scandinavia? - The Italians. Italian. 34 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:17,000 The Scandinavians, the Italians. No, the... 35 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,600 - The French? - Les Francais. Oui. - Oh, it was the French. - It was the Francais. 36 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:25,040 - I'm thinking it's the Scottish. - Have you found them particularly good osculators? 37 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,760 No, I just did a quick survey in my head. 38 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:32,840 And I could only remember four countries. 39 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,840 And it certainly wasn't the Australians. 40 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:36,640 No. No. No. 41 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,200 His name was Andre Brule, 42 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,120 he was a famous actor in the first part of the 20th century. 43 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:44,640 A rather stylish actor. And there was a competition. 44 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,480 It was just after the First World War, and it was in Biarritz. 45 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:51,160 80 participants as far away as Russia and America took part. 46 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:55,600 And American kisses were described as...? Flaccid. 47 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,720 - Oh. - I would have said forceful. 48 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:02,080 Forceful, no, you would have thought. Russians were eruptive. 49 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,000 Italians - burning, which you'd think was good. 50 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,000 Ardent is another word for burning, ardent kisses. 51 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,640 I'm still on "erupting" kisses, what are those like? 52 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,120 - I've no idea. Volcanic. - Yes. 53 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,560 That was the bit of sick in the back of your throat. 54 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,960 That's not where you think you're getting a normal kiss 55 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,640 and they stick their tongue out and you weren't expecting it? 56 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,600 Oh, that can happen, yeah, I know. 57 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:28,640 Or you kiss something and you put your hands up and you shout, "Bingo!" 58 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:33,440 - But I'm afraid the word that was described for English kisses is almost all too predictable. - Cheap. 59 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,640 Oh, wet. 60 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:41,280 - Frigid. - Wet. - Moist. - Frigid? - Tepid. - Tepid. 61 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:42,680 GROANING 62 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:46,040 I know, wonderful! How disappointed as a nation we are. 63 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:49,520 Spanish were vampirish or "vampeerish", however you would say it. 64 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,920 Vampire-like. But the winner, who, 65 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:55,280 although he was a Frenchman, French kisses were described as chaste. 66 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:59,960 - Which is most surprising. - Really? Because French kissing is... - French kissing itself is far from chaste. 67 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,320 - ..is cataglysm. - It's cataclysmic. Exactly. 68 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:05,400 - The actual word for it is "cataglysm". - Is that what they call it? 69 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,920 Yes, and it's something pigeons do, bizarrely. Who knew? 70 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,520 - When you see two pigeons billing and cooing... - Cooing. 71 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,440 Yes, they're actually sticking their tongue down each other's... 72 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:17,000 - Not swapping pigeon milk, which is...? - No, it's better to say to somebody 73 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,840 if you want a French kiss, "Do you mind if we do a bit of catagylsm?" 74 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:24,000 - They're bound to say yes, because they've no idea what it is. - You may be thinking of cataglottism? 75 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,600 - Cataglottism! - Which is the tongue, the glot. Cataclysm is a disaster. 76 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,960 - No, I think you misheard me, it's my Danish accent. - Oh, I see, right! Cataglottism. 77 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,040 Can I ask Sandi a question about the pigeons? 78 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:36,880 - Yes. - Do they have sex through their mouths? 79 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,560 - No, no, no, it's... - Well, how do they have sex, just by the way? 80 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,720 - The normal way. - In the normal way, they have a... 81 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,920 The normal way, yes, is this news to you? 82 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:48,040 I know you've been married a few times, but you don't have children, do you? 83 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,040 No, I don't have children, but I've never had sex with a pigeon 84 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,720 - either, I just couldn't see which bit... - Can I just say that... 85 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,000 Call yourself a Londoner! 86 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:01,360 The pleasure of Janet questioning two homosexuals on this subject is just a... 87 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,840 - Yes, it's true. - I'd love to see you do a nature show. 88 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,880 "They're doing it! They're doing it!" No, they're feeding. 89 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,880 Do you have any familiarity with anything kinky, though? 90 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:14,000 Yeah, I once had a boyfriend who said he wanted me to tie him up 91 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:17,600 and be a dominatrix, and he booked a suite in a hotel 92 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,160 and ordered a load of drinks, 93 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:24,400 and just as the butler brought the drinks, he got out a dildo and 94 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:29,680 a pair of handcuffs, so I had to sit on both sex toys at the same time. 95 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,600 - Oh, my God! - Anyway... - Sit on the handcuffs? 96 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:36,280 I sat on everything! I didn't want me to be associated with all this hardware. 97 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:39,360 - No. Oh, to sit on them to hide them. Sorry. - Yes! 98 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:43,040 LAUGHTER 99 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,200 Sorry. Were they furry handcuffs, the...? 100 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:50,680 No, they were normal ones, and in the morning when he was asleep, 101 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:54,600 - I just handcuffed his foot to the end of the bed and left. - Wow! 102 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:58,440 You shouldn't have made him finish your book first. 103 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,840 Hello? 104 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:04,520 - Is it just men in the kissing competition? - Yes, it was. 105 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,920 - I suppose they wouldn't have had women showing off their kissing technique. - No. 106 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:11,040 - That would have been thought to be appalling. - Not in those days, exactly. 107 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,800 - So what was he kissing, the back of his hand? - No, women, but HE was kissing THEM, it wasn't 108 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,040 - a mutual kiss, if you see what I mean. - Oh. 109 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:20,840 He GAVE them kisses. The idea was, he would grab their waist and push himself down. 110 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:25,280 The whole thing was almost like a sort of ballet dance. It was not about the actual sort of long snog, 111 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,560 it was about the elegance with which you did it. 112 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,120 And that's where he won his awards. 113 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,960 And there's a very famous photograph, 114 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,160 you probably know, of a similar kiss, which is 115 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:36,600 amazingly evocative of a great victory, VJ Day. 116 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:41,520 - Oh, the one with the sailor and the... - The sailor and the woman in New York, which is hugely famous. 117 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,920 And in 2012, that recently, they were reunited. 118 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:48,800 They're both alive, her name is Greta Friedman. 119 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,680 And he is George Mendonsa. They had never met. 120 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,040 He just simply saw her in the street, swooped her up and 121 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:57,200 kissed her and the photographer got virtually the photograph of the... 122 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:02,040 - Didn't she rather famously slap him afterwards? - She was not pleased at all, no. Absolutely. - No. 123 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:06,560 But when they had a reunion in 2012, they were very friendly, and she realised it was a fabulous moment. 124 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,920 - He was swept up in the joy of VJ Day. - So did they shag? 125 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:14,520 I think not, if she slapped him afterwards, although you probably... 126 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,760 - No, I mean on the reunion. - No, that doesn't mean... 127 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:23,080 - On the reunion! - That's my point. You know, when there's no, you know, Victory-anywhere-day 128 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:25,160 and you're just speed-dating and you do that. 129 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:27,400 Then you're not likely to be thanked. Yes. 130 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:31,400 No, you're likely to end up in a court with Injuries 4U lawyers. 131 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:32,840 Yeah, exactly. 132 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:34,840 According to Theocritus in the city of Megara, 133 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:39,280 they had a version of the Olympic Games where there was a kissing competition, 134 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:42,240 which was only between boys. Yeah, I know. I know. 135 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,960 - "Too late," they cry. - They had to overpower one another. 136 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,040 - No, no, it was... - Back to the Greco-Roman snogging. 137 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:51,520 No, it's those who so sweetliest presses lip upon lip. 138 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,400 Sweetliest. 139 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:56,520 - If they'd had that in the Olympics, I'd have watched. - Yes! 140 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:59,880 And they returned laden with garlands for their mothers. 141 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,840 So, if you win the boys' kissing competition, you get garlands, 142 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,600 which interestingly, in Greek, is "stefan" - Stephen. 143 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,600 Just thought I'd mention that. 144 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,120 That's what my name means, and you give your mother 145 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,600 lots of flowers, saying, "I won the kissing competition with boys." 146 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,720 And she goes, "Darling, we have to talk." 147 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,800 "Just don't tell your father." So there you go. 148 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:23,280 The world's greatest kisser was a French actor named Andre Brule, 149 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,840 but who was the most shocking kisser of all time? 150 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:29,000 - Oh! - Oh, hello. There we've got two, they're probably called... 151 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,920 - Britney Spears and Madonna. - Madonna. 152 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:34,680 That is, you can just see, is what pigeons do. That's... 153 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,360 Oh, yes, yeah. 154 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,920 There's only one marshmallow left. 155 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,360 LAUGHTER 156 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:49,080 I've only ever had one screen kiss, and it was with the wonderful American comic Mike McShane. 157 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,840 - Oh, yes, terrific. - Mike McShane. - You did a sitcom. - We did a sitcom together. 158 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:55,520 He knew I was very nervous about the kiss, because I wanted it 159 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,120 to be...I didn't want it to be comic, I wanted it to be real. 160 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,480 There's always that worry when you're doing a comedy. 161 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,320 And he knew this and so I was very anxious, 162 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:06,960 and the very first time he leant down and he kissed me and passed me an anchovy with his tongue! 163 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:12,240 I was less nervous after that. 164 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:15,440 Yeah, I had a film where I had to kiss Jude Law 165 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,320 and Ioan Gruffudd, it was awful. 166 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:22,120 And they were nude. Oh, God! Misery. 167 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,400 But anyway, shocking kisses, that's... 168 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:28,240 I suppose shocks some people because it's lesbiotic, but... 169 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,480 - "Lesbiotic"? - Well, yes. 170 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:34,160 I must go home and give the good news. 171 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,000 - They had a shocking kiss in Star Trek. - Really? 172 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:44,120 There's an episode where Captain Kirk kisses Uhura, Lieutenant Uhura. 173 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,720 - So it's interracial. - Oh, very shocking. 174 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:52,120 - And that was not thought to go well in the southern affiliates. - Right. 175 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:55,520 So they shot it so that one of them had their back to camera. 176 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:59,040 You knew they were kissing but you couldn't actually see it 177 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:02,400 just in case down south they didn't kick off. 178 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:08,320 - So are we talking about a screen kiss, or are we talking...? - An electric shock. 179 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,760 - Thank you, Alan. - Is it something electrical to do with it? - Yes. The Venus Electrificata. 180 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,600 It's one of those things, whenever you invent a new technology, 181 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,120 people experiment with it in extraordinary ways, 182 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:21,320 and of course electricity, when the power to generate electricity 183 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,960 first arrived, people tried all kinds of exciting things with it. 184 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:29,120 And one of them was to suspend a woman such that she was not 185 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,120 earthed, and then get men who WERE earthed to kiss her, 186 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,920 and you can see, he's winding round there in order to create 187 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:38,600 an electric current, and you kissed them and you get a tingling feeling. 188 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:42,240 Well, when I was a kid, I grew up in the States, we used to have electric shock parties. 189 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,880 - You had very cheap sort of... - You put your tongue on batteries? 190 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:47,320 No, you had cheap nylon carpet and we'd turn the lights out 191 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,640 and everybody would stand and rub their feet on the carpet, and then go, "Now!" 192 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:52,760 And you'd all kiss and there'd be a little spark. 193 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,480 Yes, we used to do that. At prep school, we had an area which 194 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,280 was cut off for the ponies to graze, with an electric fence. Sorry. 195 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:03,240 You'd grab the electric fence and the shock would go through, 196 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,200 like a wave, through the whole line of us. 197 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,000 It was kind of rather fun. 198 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:11,320 There was also Stephen Gray and his amazing "orphan boy", 199 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:16,360 who he hung down, and put a current through him. 200 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,520 And the current attracted various objects, 201 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,520 and this became so popular, he actually made a kit. 202 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:25,680 You had to provide your own boy, but... 203 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:28,680 But otherwise you had the kit with various glass rods 204 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:32,680 and things like that, that the electricity would pick up. 205 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:37,160 But as with all new inventions of any kind, people are going to try...? 206 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,840 - Electric cock. - Yes. 207 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,840 And it was the discoverer of ultraviolet light, Johann Ritter, 208 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:46,560 decided he would try...in the early days there was what was known as 209 00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:52,680 a voltaic pile, ie a battery, and he basically tried it on his groin. 210 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,080 And he described it, 211 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:57,320 "His organ began in a state of medium swelling." 212 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,560 What we call a semi, I guess. 213 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:01,240 LAUGHTER 214 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:05,600 "He wrapped it in a piece of cloth," I hope you're taking notes at home, 215 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,160 "moistened with lukewarm milk," that's lukewarm. 216 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:12,640 Try, poke your elbow in it and if it doesn't burn and it's not cold, like with a baby's bath. 217 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,680 OK, you're following? You're taking notes, I'm doing it slow enough. 218 00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,920 "Then delicately you touch the wire from the positive pole to the 219 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,400 "cloth and with the other hand, you close the circuit. 220 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:26,640 "A shock jolted him, followed by a pleasant tingling. 221 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,000 "The swelling continued. 222 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:37,080 "Warmth spread from his groin and then finally, consummation." 223 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,560 What kind of sex was he having?! 224 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:43,680 - Electric sex. - Yeah, but I mean before that. - Oh, before that! 225 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,880 "You're a lovely person, it's not you, it's me. 226 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:49,240 "I just like dipping me testicles in warm milk 227 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:53,640 "and then running a wire from me because... No! No! It's great. 228 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,400 "Christmas was fantastic, 229 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,880 "but this might spoil it for the rest of the family." 230 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,800 - Aren't you going to do a display for us? - I'm not going to do a display! 231 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:07,360 - Please! - I thought you were going to say "demonstration". 232 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,720 Boil a kettle and throw it on your genitals. 233 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,720 Don't try this at home. 234 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,800 You're sitting in your house and the lights start flickering 235 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:23,200 - and you know he's at it next door with the milk cloth. - Yes! 236 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,920 I mean, I'm sorry, but... 237 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:31,040 Channel 5's gone off, it'll be him next door with the milk cloth. 238 00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,960 You know how every Christmas they always say, 239 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:39,200 when all the lights go down, and you can't cook your turkey, it's because we're all watching telly. 240 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,480 It's not, because all over Britain people are... 241 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:45,160 - Are trying lukewarm milk on their... - They've got things, milk on their willies. 242 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:49,040 - It's all going on. - Yes? - I shared a dressing room for a while with a very short actor, 243 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:52,200 and I came into the dressing room one evening. He wasn't expecting me, 244 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:56,160 he was completely naked and he was trying to get his entire genitalia up into the basin. 245 00:13:56,160 --> 00:14:00,280 I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "I thought it was a good idea, I thought it was a good idea." 246 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,680 I said, "What?" I'd got some muscle heat-rub. 247 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:06,200 - Ow! - He thought, "Well, it feels so nice on your leg..." 248 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,320 It burns! The men are wincing already in the audience. 249 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,640 Ah. I'm sure Alan has many similar stories to tell. 250 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,600 Here's a really weird one. 251 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:21,280 In 2005, a boy was admitted to hospital with two neodymium magnets, 252 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:25,080 the strongest permanent magnets known to us, 253 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:28,800 trapping a fold, shall we say, of his penis. 254 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,240 He claimed that he had fallen down, 255 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:35,120 or they had fallen down his trousers while he was playing with them. 256 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:37,680 But they were so strong that they didn't know what to do. 257 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,760 Magnets can be demagnetized by heating them 258 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:43,200 to a very high temperature, which wouldn't be very kind. 259 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,920 Or they could be hammered apart. 260 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,560 So they were faced with a real medical problem, 261 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,880 to save this boy's future, as it were. 262 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:54,360 So they tried alternative solutions, such as bigger magnets. 263 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:58,720 In the end they managed to remove them by "shearing the magnets away from each other, moving them 264 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:00,960 "perpendicular to the force of attraction." 265 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:04,640 So, don't try those magnets at home. 266 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:08,000 Anyway, let's move on. What's going on here? 267 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:13,800 - Oh, are they kissing fish? - They're not...are they not aware there's a piece of glass? 268 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,840 - Kissing fish? - They're fighting. - Are they fighting? - They're fighting. 269 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:21,320 - They're called kissing fish because it's what it looks like. - That may well be, but they don't kiss. 270 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:25,080 - But they're not kissing, they're fighting. - Exactly right. Gourami is their name. 271 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:29,560 They don't kill each other by doing that, but one will get knackered and sometimes dies of exhaustion. 272 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:30,760 It's never utterly fatal. 273 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,480 It looks like the end of a balloon, doesn't it? 274 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:36,160 It does, doesn't it? It's just like the end of a balloon. 275 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,160 And what other fighting fish do we know? 276 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,440 - Oh, the... - The what-y fighting fish? 277 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,680 Well, they call them Samurai fighting fish, but... 278 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:47,040 Not Samurai, no. Siamese fighting fish. 279 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,800 Very popular, they're used like cock fighting as a sport. 280 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,440 They keep each separate in a little, just alone in a tank 281 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,440 so it doesn't waste its energy by seeing another male. 282 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,920 There's another version and they have little swords. 283 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:01,920 Well, they're really vicious fighters, 284 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,800 and the one that loses just flees for its life, basically, 285 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,920 but you bet on them, essentially, it's like cock fighting used to be. 286 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,280 They're not the fish that eat all that spare skin 287 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:14,160 - off your feet, are they? - Oh, supposedly, that's right. - Have you done that, Janet? 288 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:18,240 - Have you done that? - No, I'm a bit worried that if I put my feet in hot water with the little fish... 289 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:22,720 This is for pedicures, where they put these tiny fish in, and they're supposed to nibble your dead skin. 290 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,640 I'd be more worried that they didn't want my feet. 291 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:29,600 - Yes, that would be such an insult. - You put your feet in and they all go for the side again. 292 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,600 Ugh! 293 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,440 And get little mouth washes. 294 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:37,200 LAUGHTER 295 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,120 I've done it. At first it's really strange, 296 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,240 and then when you get used to it, 297 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:45,800 - what's stranger is 15 people filming you. - Ah. 298 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:49,360 - Whilst you've got your feet in a tank going, "Ooh". - You did it on a TV thing did you? 299 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,280 No, no, I just did it in a shopping centre. 300 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:58,080 - And 15 passers-by decided... - Yeah, just went, "Oh, look..." - There's Johnny Vegas having his feet... 301 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:02,040 "There's that Johnny Vegas getting off on putting his feet in water." 302 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:06,920 Yeah. They have a lung-like organ in their bodies, these fighting fish. 303 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,080 Which means that they can breathe air. 304 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:14,720 And actually, if we had enough supersaturated water with oxygen, 305 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,240 we would be able to breathe water. 306 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,960 And some people believe this is the future of the human race, 307 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,760 you know, for diving and space travel, 308 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:23,240 and things like that, that we actually breathe water. 309 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:26,000 You do know after this I'm going to go home and drown in the bath, 310 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:29,560 - don't you? - No, don't! I'm going to write out a list... 311 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:34,200 I take in bits of what you say to me and then guarantee my family 312 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:38,040 it's safe, "Stephen said I can breathe underwater." 313 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,120 There are certain earlier things... 314 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,480 I am the future! 315 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:45,880 There are some earlier things I've recommended that you can 316 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:50,560 certainly do, but not the breathing underwater. But the lukewarm milk is fine, you can try that. 317 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,320 - Yeah. - I'd rather... 318 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,840 I'd rather just drink it. 319 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,960 What?! Oh, the milk. 320 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,680 Right. Sorry. 321 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,360 God, yes, I understand. So, good. 322 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:05,600 When gourami appear to be kissing, they're actually fighting. 323 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:08,080 What's so attractive about ordinary people? 324 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:11,280 Not the movie, which is a very fine movie, of course. Mary Tyler Moore. 325 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:16,240 It's them massive cars they drive, the... Buses. 326 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,680 Ordinary people drive buses. 327 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,760 - What, you mean ordinary people are on buses? - Yeah. - Is it symmetry? 328 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,800 Well, it's not quite symmetry, this is known as koinophilia, 329 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,960 and it seems that if you take two not very good-looking people 330 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:33,280 and merge their image, people are more likely to be attracted to them. 331 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:37,680 And Galton, who was a famous criminologist and was interested in the appearance of criminals, thought 332 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,760 he would try and find the absolute criminal type by taking photographs 333 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:44,000 of criminals and merging them and merging them, and he was astonished 334 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,000 to find the more he did so, the more pleasant they appeared to be. 335 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,040 So you average-out people's looks 336 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,680 and we are more attracted to that, it seems. 337 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,240 We've actually done a little merge of some of our friends 338 00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,720 around the table, just to show you how attractive you look 339 00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,480 when you put them together. 340 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:01,640 - Ta da! - Oh, yeah! 341 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,840 It's Jean from Tenerife. 342 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,160 Oh, no, we look like a tennis player. 343 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:12,880 You do look like a tennis player, with an open piano lid. 344 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,080 It looks very nice. And let's try the other two. 345 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,800 Oh! Oh! 346 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:28,000 - Serial killer! - Let's not have children. 347 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,880 - The eyes... - Police are currently looking for... 348 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,400 There's something a bit odd about the eyes there. 349 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,040 But it's from your photograph, Johnny. 350 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:39,120 We just look like the biggest idiot in the world. 351 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:42,000 I think someone took your photograph and did one of those, 352 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,000 - you know, red-eye things. - No, it looks like someone who walked in 353 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,200 and caught his parents having sex and they didn't stop. 354 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:52,320 He's the sort of man the police say, "Oh, he was quiet, always kept to himself." 355 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,040 Yes, he was a loner. 356 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,720 He was just a loner, perfectly nice. 357 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,840 He used to cry a lot at Christmas. 358 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:02,360 Well, as I say, it's called koinophilia, and it is this theory. 359 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:06,400 Recent research, however, from the Australian National University, 360 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:10,160 suggests that good-looking men earn 22% more than not good-looking men. 361 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:13,400 Yeah, because they're attractive because they're from Australia. 362 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,600 No, within Australia. They're all Australian. Within Australia. 363 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,400 The 22 better-looking percentage. 364 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:23,760 A study of female golfers also found that they were better, they shot 365 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,800 lower scores, and the theory is that they were more likely to have 366 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:32,240 offers of sponsorship, and therefore played that much harder 367 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,200 knowing how much money they would make. 368 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,760 Surely it's about confidence. 369 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,520 If you look in the mirror and you think, "Wow, I'm a dish," 370 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,960 then you get out there and think, "And I can play golf." 371 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:44,120 - Yeah, I suppose that's right. - But if you look in the mirror and weep... 372 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:48,240 - And think, "What a dog." - I look in the mirror and I like it. 373 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,560 - And so you bloody well should. - I never look in a mirror. 374 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,000 My partner's much taller than me and she put them all up, 375 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,240 so I've never seen... 376 00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:01,440 I have windows at street level and I just pretend I'm different people. 377 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,360 Just walk past at the same time and go, "Looking good today. 378 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:11,960 "Let's get out to that meeting quick while I've got that nice suit on." 379 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:14,600 Then I realise I'm wearing a bin bag. 380 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:18,400 Anyway, moving on. 381 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:22,640 Now, what would you keep in one of these? I have one. 382 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,480 There it is. 383 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,480 Is it a... 384 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,240 - A penis. - Yeah, a penis is the right answer, Alan. 385 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,760 It usually is the right answer. 386 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:35,040 - Is it from the...? - Is it hollow? - Is it an African... 387 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,680 It's hollow, otherwise you'd have trouble keeping it in. 388 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,160 - Is it from Africa, Stephen? - It's not from Africa, no. 389 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,320 - Where's it from? - Croydon. 390 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:46,000 - It's from Papua New Guinea. - It's what anteaters wear when they're going to rob a post office. 391 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:53,080 "It's just that little bit of disguise...is that you, Frank?" 392 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:54,720 "No, no." 393 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,440 I've been to Papua New Guinea and I've seen it... 394 00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,840 - They can be different sizes. - ..wibbly-wobbling about. 395 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:04,000 They can be like this. But, oddly enough, they are not worn for status, they don't deliberately 396 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,280 have a big thick one like that in order to suggest greater manhood. 397 00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:08,600 They often have a thin, 398 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,480 rather strangely trailing-away one with a few hairs on the end. 399 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,800 Like this, exactly. 400 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,960 That would really confuse Bugs Bunny. 401 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,240 "I'm also de wabbit! 402 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:22,720 "Or maybe I just wannabe fwiends." 403 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,680 - What's it made of? - It's a gourd. 404 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:28,920 It's a penis gourd, and it's a sort of relative of the squash family, I think, isn't it? 405 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,720 - I went to Papua New Guinea and... - Amazing place. 406 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,760 It's fantastic, and I was taken to this remote island on a boat 407 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:39,640 and then they painted me with war paint and presented me 408 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,360 with a pig and a pile of yams. 409 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:45,760 - Oh. - Pig, and then they did these gourd dances to me. 410 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:50,560 - To, really, right at you. - Right at me, yes. I was really, really impressed. 411 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:54,040 "They dined on yams and clams and human hams and vintage coconut wine, 412 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:57,240 "the taste of which was filthy, but the after-effects divine," 413 00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:01,080 - as Noel Coward put it. - I feel just like that in the taxi rank in Wigan. 414 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,560 But amongst the tribes that have these kotekas, 415 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:08,440 as they're called, are, in case there's any members watching, 416 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:11,200 and I wouldn't want to leave you out, the Lani, the Mee, 417 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:14,200 the Amungme, the Kamoro, the Yali, the Damal and the Moni. 418 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:17,360 And the government tried to make them illegal and sent them all clothing. 419 00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:20,400 And for so many generations, they'd gone without clothing 420 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,000 and been totally nude, except for these penis gourds, 421 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,240 the clothing actually gave them rashes and all they do now is 422 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:30,080 they use shorts sometimes to put on their heads. 423 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:31,680 But they continue to go naked. 424 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:34,280 I love the fact that when you read the tribes out, you went, 425 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:35,800 "You know, not to offend anyone." 426 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,560 That would be a brilliant Points Of View when they turn up. 427 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,480 Yes, it would. Yes. 428 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:41,800 "You missed out my tribe!" 429 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:45,520 Yes, in an otherwise thoroughly enjoyable programme, exactly. 430 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:46,800 So, why is it so difficult 431 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,000 to research the sexual habits of penguins? 432 00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:51,760 They're very private. 433 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:55,200 - It's not really that they're private. - It's cold. 434 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:58,200 - It's cold, certainly. - Is it because it's graphic? 435 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:00,920 Well, it used to be very difficult to describe 436 00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:02,480 because we used to be very prudish. 437 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:05,920 Yes, I mean, Scott's trip to the Antarctic, Levick, 438 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:08,640 the scientist, wrote it all out in Greek, 439 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:10,720 he was so appalled by what they were up to. 440 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:12,920 Absolutely right. He wrote it in Ancient Greek, 441 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:15,520 knowing that only a gentleman would be able to translate it. 442 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:18,760 George Murray Levick, the naturalist on Scott's ill-fated expedition, 443 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:23,160 and he discovered what he called the astonishing depravity 444 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:27,360 of penguin behaviour, which includes rampant homosexuality. 445 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:29,960 Not just homosexuality, but rampant. 446 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:34,040 To be fair, it's Antarctica - there's nothing else to do! 447 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,200 Necrophilia and, I'm sorry to say, paedophilia. 448 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,200 And on their night off, they dress as pandas. 449 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,280 It just muddies the water. 450 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:45,240 So he wrote his account in Ancient Greek, absolutely right, 451 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:47,040 so that an educated English gentlemen 452 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,080 would be the only person to understand it. 453 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:52,360 The penguins in the London Zoo, are they doing all this 454 00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:55,280 - in full view of school parties? - They may well be. 455 00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:59,200 - These particular species... - You've got to have... 456 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,240 You've got to go to the zoo a lot before you go, 457 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:06,920 "Not Kevin!" Generally, you just go, "There's penguins." 458 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:12,160 I'm just worried whether there's a warning outside the penguin enclosure. 459 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:15,640 How would you phrase that for visiting school parties? 460 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:19,280 "Warning! Penguin might be buggering auntie, uncle, granddad..." 461 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:26,640 Stephen, maybe they can't tell, right, and I just... Don't go mad, 462 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:32,040 the animal rights people or anyone else, but maybe if we drug them 463 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:35,720 and sex them and then we put tiny bikinis on some of them. 464 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:39,120 Then the grown-up penguins 465 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:42,240 can tell who they should be having sex with and who they shouldn't. 466 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:43,880 Not bikinis. A nun's habit. 467 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,320 That would confuse the priests! 468 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:53,800 But the Adelie penguins were the kind this man looked at, 469 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:58,560 and it's now thought that his idea of necrophilia was probably wrong. 470 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,840 - They were asleep. - Yeah, they were! 471 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:05,880 Was it not that a female lying there dead with their eyes like that 472 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,760 looked a bit like a "come hither" look to a penguin? 473 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,400 Yes, they can't tell the difference between a frozen dead one 474 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:15,080 and a living one. They look as if they're coming on to you if they're lying there dead. 475 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,280 I've had that experience quite a few times. 476 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,480 It's actually very hard to sex a penguin, 477 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,680 - by which I mean to determine its gender. - Give it that stick. 478 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:27,800 Not for them. They seem to know instinctively, 479 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:29,440 either by smell or some other thing. 480 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:32,000 One of the common ways of being pretty sure, 481 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:35,600 assuming it's a straight penguin, is muddy footprints on the female 482 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:39,200 tells you that it's a female because it's been walked on by the male. 483 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:44,840 The feminists are going to love this bit. Footprints on a woman. 484 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:48,320 That's for sex. 485 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,160 It's quite Almodovar, though, isn't it, if it's high heels. 486 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:53,840 But I don't think it's high heels in the case of penguins. 487 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,480 You don't THINK? 488 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:02,720 I was trying to be, you know, not too assertive in my knowledge. 489 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,080 Their life is astounding. 490 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:07,280 I mean, you kind of think they've drawn the short straw in life. 491 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:09,920 The miserable cold they have to endure for so long. 492 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:13,760 Is it true they used to fall over during the Falklands? Is that true? 493 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:17,080 Lots of planes came over, which they hadn't seen before, 494 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,240 and they went, "Whoa!" 495 00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:23,520 - It's unfortunately a myth. It's not true. - Oh, it's a lovely story. 496 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:25,240 It's a nice story, but it's not true. 497 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:29,480 Can you imagine in the bird world if you introduced postcodes? 498 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:31,240 Penguins would move. 499 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:35,280 - Yes, they would! SW3. - Somewhere warmer and bigger wings. 500 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,440 I don't think they would want to move, 501 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,040 because they've got flippers and flat feet. 502 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,440 - They need ice to move around on. - They're born for it. 503 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,200 They're not going to say, "I'm going to move to the Himalayas," 504 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:47,840 - or, "I'm going to move somewhere..." - You know what, Janet? 505 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,880 You haven't thought this through, because one, 506 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,320 they wouldn't know what a postcode is. 507 00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:55,720 And two, they can't fly! 508 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:58,520 And I doubt one of them getting on a plane, 509 00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:02,840 by themselves, acting casual after raping all the family. 510 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,320 I would imagine they'd be on a no-flight... 511 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,800 APPLAUSE 512 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:15,720 I'm just saying, in an ideal world, given the choice, the penguins 513 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:21,000 would go, "We've had the short end of the deal." That's all I'm saying. 514 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:23,560 Don't turn this into Question Time! 515 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:28,120 - It's like being in a home for the elderly. - It really is. 516 00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:30,560 They keep taking me stuff! 517 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:34,280 All right, all right, whatever... 518 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,200 LAUGHTER 519 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:37,840 Are we having fish?! 520 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:42,040 - Wheel him into the sun lounge... - Shut up, Mr Penguin! 521 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:49,480 So, how did a bunch of choir boys plan to drive Hitler mad? 522 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:54,360 We've been very literal there. There's Hitler in a straitjacket. 523 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:56,320 It's a, it's a plot. I do know this. 524 00:28:56,320 --> 00:29:00,520 - Yeah? - Porn. - Pornography. - Pornography, they were going to drive him mad with pornography. 525 00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:02,600 - That's absolutely right. - Was the plan. - Yeah. 526 00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,600 They had groups called the Cowboys, who were behind enemy lines, 527 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:07,840 and the Choir Boys were the people in Washington. 528 00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:10,360 - That's right. - And they came up with bonkers ideas. 529 00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:13,680 All kinds of suggestions. I mean, we did too, bouncing bombs, ridiculous 530 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:15,440 and yet that was one that worked. 531 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:18,920 And Churchill chose the date precisely in May 1943, 532 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:21,800 when the floods were at their full height in the dams 533 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,920 and he was in Washington, so that if it worked he could announce it. 534 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:27,800 And it would be the first real invasion into German territory 535 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:30,120 that caused a massive difference. 536 00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:33,880 And Lord Cherwell, his scientific adviser, said to him, reportedly, 537 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:36,760 "But what if it doesn't work?" 538 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:40,280 And Churchill said, "Then no-one will ever hear anything about it." 539 00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:42,480 And that's the point about these mad schemes. 540 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:46,200 There were all these really zany plans. But most of them we don't know about. 541 00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:50,200 And a lot of them were covered up and probably we never will. We know about the ones that work. 542 00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:52,320 This is one that didn't work but we do know about. 543 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,720 - But this was smut. They were going to drop smut. - Basically, it was pornography. 544 00:29:55,720 --> 00:30:00,240 - All over Germany, and... - Well, particularly to drive Hitler mad, over Berchtesgaden, 545 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:01,760 his residence. 546 00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:04,120 So leaflets were going to cascade down from the sky. 547 00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:06,320 - That would drive him mad. - Absolutely. 548 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:09,640 The US Army Air Corps described it as insane and refused to do it. 549 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,120 But it did have an important role to play, pornography. 550 00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:14,800 And of course, these were ones that the Germans 551 00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:17,840 dropped on the Allies, because they did the same thing. 552 00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:19,200 Germans and Japanese. 553 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,080 We didn't have much of a porno war effort, in Britain. 554 00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:24,800 We were squeamish. The senior officers, 555 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:28,080 one was quoted saying he would, "Rather lose the war than take part". 556 00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:31,880 Which is simply extraordinary. Air Marshal Sir Arthur "Bomber" Harris didn't approve, 557 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,320 said it was just like sending them free lavatory paper. 558 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:38,200 What does it say about our troops that the German troops were willing 559 00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:42,520 to drop the pornography and ours are going, "Well, I'm not giving it away. 560 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:47,000 - "Keep it Frank, we'll sell..." - I like to think it was a more decent reason than that, Johnny. 561 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:48,440 "We'll sell it when we get back." 562 00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:51,360 But dropping leaflets was a big thing, the first the Danes knew of 563 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:54,440 the Germans invading was that the leaflets were dropping over... 564 00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:57,160 Yes, leaflet dropping was a huge thing. Absolutely right. 565 00:30:57,160 --> 00:30:59,800 It was what's called a black op, we'd call it now. 566 00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:02,600 Do you know, you must know, Stephen, about the eavesdropping cat 567 00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:04,920 - that the CIA came up with. - I've heard about it. 568 00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:06,280 The most brilliant idea. 569 00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:09,840 They got this cat and they inserted a transmitter 570 00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:14,800 and the aerial was in its tail, and this was in Moscow, 571 00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:17,840 and the idea was that it would walk past Russian spies 572 00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:20,080 sitting on a bench and it would overhear. 573 00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:24,280 And they spent millions on this cat, and it was terrific 574 00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:27,480 and they'd worked it all out, and on its very first outing in the park, 575 00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:29,000 it got hit by a taxi. 576 00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:34,200 - It was known as Acoustic Kitty. - That's right, Acoustic Kitty. 577 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:35,440 Poor Acoustic Kitty. 578 00:31:35,440 --> 00:31:38,000 The bouncing bomb would be a war crime now, wouldn't it, 579 00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:41,080 - for the civilians killed? - There were a lot of civilians killed. 580 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:44,520 I don't know if it was a legitimate war target or not, in total war. I don't think... 581 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:47,800 - I think since they've agreed. - There was a good story I came across 582 00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:50,200 when I was writing a script for the Dam Busters 583 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:53,040 and there was one of the members of one of the crews which 584 00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:56,960 crashed after dropping its bomb, and was picked up by the Germans. 585 00:31:56,960 --> 00:31:59,760 And they were treated pretty well, and one of them said, 586 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:03,160 "Well, what do you need? You know, according to the laws of, you know, 587 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:07,200 "the Geneva Convention, you know, are you thirsty?" They said a glass of water would be lovely. 588 00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:10,280 And he said, "Are you joking? You have just destroyed our water supply." 589 00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:14,200 And that was the first time the guy realised that one of the bombs had actually worked. 590 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:17,440 And that's how he found out that the Mohne had gone, because he was 591 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:20,960 saying there is no water, which is quite sweet in its own peculiar way. 592 00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:23,240 - Anyway... - HE HUMS DAMBUSTERS THEME 593 00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:27,480 One mad idea to win the war was to use pornography to drive 594 00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:29,400 Hitler mad, as if he wasn't already. 595 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:33,120 So, what is 80% of the Kama Sutra about? Back to kinkiness. 596 00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:36,000 - Hygiene. - Hygiene! 597 00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:41,080 - Gymnastics. - Intercourse. 598 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:43,600 Oh! Dear me, no. 599 00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:46,560 Well, intercourse can have the meanings, 600 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:49,160 but the fact is only 20% is about sex. 601 00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:52,720 Most of it is about all kinds of other fascinating subjects. 602 00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:55,520 How to be a good citizen, insight into relationships between men 603 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:59,160 and women, tips on tattooing, the art of making your bed, 604 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:02,160 playing on musical glasses which are filled with water, 605 00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:06,080 making lemonade, solving word puzzles, knowledge of mines 606 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:10,160 and quarries, the art of cockfighting. No, don't... 607 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,680 The art of teaching parrots and starlings to speak. 608 00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:18,000 Nine pages devoted to the care of wives 609 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:20,720 and 26 pages on how to seduce other men's wives. 610 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:23,040 That's a bit strange. 611 00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:25,920 I love this idea of a child setting up a lemonade stand and saying, 612 00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,000 "Courtesy of the Kama Sutra." 613 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:33,640 - But on the video, on the film of the book... - Yes, on 20% of the book. 614 00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:36,680 There's very, very little starling chat. 615 00:33:36,680 --> 00:33:41,560 I suspect you were getting a video of 20% of the Kama Sutra. 616 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:43,960 The author was a celibate Indian sage, 617 00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:46,040 so what he knew, goodness knows, 618 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:47,640 but he was called Vatsyayana, 619 00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:50,200 and he lived sometime between the first and sixth century. 620 00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:53,360 Sometimes, very cleverly, there is a moral tone that distances itself 621 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:56,240 between what it tells you... It says, for example, 622 00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:58,920 all oral sex is wrong. It then spends pages and pages 623 00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:00,200 telling you how to do it. 624 00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:05,760 - Now, who came up with the missionary position. - A missionary. 625 00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:07,200 No! 626 00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,680 KLAXON SOUNDS 627 00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:11,640 What is the missionary position, first? 628 00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:14,400 It's the approved position by a missionary. 629 00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:18,360 Lady on her back, man on top. 630 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:23,000 Yes, it's a mistake made by the famous sexologist Kinsey 631 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:24,360 who named it... 632 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:26,920 What has been Photoshopped out of that picture? 633 00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:32,280 Has Mrs Kinsey been removed? 634 00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:35,160 He of course wrote a book on the sexuality of the American male 635 00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:39,080 and the American female, which shocked America extraordinarily. 636 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:43,160 He said that 96% of American males masturbate regularly 637 00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:46,080 and he was asked what the hell that said about the American male. 638 00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:48,040 He said, "It says 4% lie." 639 00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:52,600 But as far as the missionary position is concerned, 640 00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:55,880 it was an anthropologist called Bronislaw Malinowski 641 00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:58,160 who described an engaged couple holding hands 642 00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:03,080 and leaning against each other in what was known as "misinari si bubunela", 643 00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:06,920 missionary fashion, and that was just friendliness, leaning on each other. 644 00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:08,920 It was nothing to do with man-on-top sex. 645 00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:11,040 He said it was introduced by white traders, 646 00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:14,160 planters or officials, but never used the word missionary, 647 00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:16,640 but it was Kinsey who somehow just got it wrong. 648 00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:18,720 Kinsey himself was a very odd man. 649 00:35:18,720 --> 00:35:22,680 He had an irrational hatred of... the potato. 650 00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:27,520 - Even chips? - I guess all forms of the potato. - Do we know why? 651 00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:29,920 No, it was irrational, that's the point. 652 00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:33,680 I was married to a man that had an irrational fear of tomatoes. 653 00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:37,720 He was a great big burly film director, very macho bloke, 654 00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:40,960 but put a tomato in front of him and he'd start crying. 655 00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:47,040 Day in, day out, you did that. A cherry won in the medicine cabinet. 656 00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:48,280 Ah! 657 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:54,280 - Did you know why? - Irrational. 658 00:35:56,080 --> 00:36:00,440 If there was a reason, it would a rational fear of tomatoes. 659 00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:03,800 There's no such which thing as a rational fear of tomatoes! That's ridiculous. 660 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:07,400 An irrational fear can have some starting point. 661 00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:09,280 As a child, a tomato reared up at him. 662 00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:10,960 If I didn't want to have sex, 663 00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:13,800 - I had a tomato sandwich by the bed. - Very clever. 664 00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:19,520 "Come on, Janet. Oh, God! A tomato sandwich. Good night." 665 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:26,840 When Kinsey was nervous, he would speak in a Scottish accent, 666 00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:28,840 although he was born and raised in New Jersey. 667 00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:31,600 IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: "I'm so upset. I'm afraid." 668 00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:33,760 That's right. 669 00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:37,760 And he trained himself to be able to insert pencils into his penis. 670 00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:41,760 - Into his penis? - Into, into the urethra. - He trained himself? 671 00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:45,000 You wouldn't train anyone else, would you, to do that? 672 00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:47,600 He might have put a sign up and then thought, 673 00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:49,600 "Due to lack of applicants..." 674 00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:56,200 - That not only a pencil, but a toothbrush, bristles first. - No! 675 00:36:56,200 --> 00:37:00,800 - Yes! - Every year, when his wife's going, "He's impossible to buy for," 676 00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:05,920 and he's going, "A travel pouch. A pencil case! 677 00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:09,160 "I'm tired of carrying things round in my penis." 678 00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:13,720 "What about a travel iron?" "No!" 679 00:37:13,720 --> 00:37:17,680 His wife actually said, "I don't see much of Alfred since he got interested in sex," 680 00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:20,800 which is a terribly sad thing for a wife to say about her husband. 681 00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:24,520 - Why he pushed things up his penis, again, no idea. - Irrational. 682 00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:27,640 So, anyway, which of these foods would give you the same 683 00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:30,280 number of calories as used in the average sex session? 684 00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:33,520 - I don't think it's a lot of... - You don't think it's many calories. 685 00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:37,400 - I think it's quite a lot. - You think it's a lot. - Do you? You think it's pizza lot? 686 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:39,600 I think it's about 400 calories. 687 00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:42,600 400 calories, which would be a good pizza at least, wouldn't it? 688 00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:46,320 - Maybe a slice of pizza, not a whole one. - Slice of pizza, yeah. You think it's fewer? 689 00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:47,560 I'm going to go for the steak. 690 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:50,120 - Well, it's interesting. - I'm going to go for the burger. 691 00:37:50,120 --> 00:37:54,000 - You'll have the burger. - I'll have a slice of tart. - You'll have a slice of tart. Hey. 692 00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:57,920 - But without the bread. - And what about you? - I'll have the courgette and the shrimp, 693 00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:01,600 - because it's got quite a lot of possibilities. - Yes, that is a good ploy. 694 00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:06,360 Well, David Allison, who is a bio-statistician at the University of Alabama, looked into it. 695 00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:10,720 And the average sex session takes only six minutes. 696 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:13,000 What, from beginning to end? 697 00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:15,360 So the amount of calories used would be 20, 698 00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:18,920 that's about the same as one egg white or a very small meringue. 699 00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:23,120 LAUGHTER 700 00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:24,560 There you are. That's... 701 00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:28,120 Does the six minutes include the bit where you watch the news? 702 00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:30,640 What, to see if you've made it on? 703 00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:33,360 "We've done it, let's put the news on." 704 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:36,320 Kinsey showed that it is no easy task describing people's sex lives, 705 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:38,200 so these figures are up for argument. 706 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:41,320 A 2008 survey by Durex, who might be regarded as having 707 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,960 a sort of vested interest, as makers of... 708 00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:47,160 Oh. That's The Graduate, isn't it? The stage version. Anyway... 709 00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:48,800 She's got that look, hasn't she? 710 00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:51,560 She has. That was a disappointment, quite clearly. 711 00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:55,120 - Yeah. - That was half a meringue. - Yeah. - "Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson?" 712 00:38:55,120 --> 00:39:00,720 Anyway, Durex reported the average Briton enjoys 22.5 minutes of foreplay, 713 00:39:00,720 --> 00:39:04,160 while another survey at around the same time in Men's Health 714 00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:09,640 claimed that British men only last 18.64 minutes from foreplay to climax. 715 00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:13,320 So if we level out those different statistics, we could argue that British men take, 716 00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:17,320 in terms of actual intercourse itself, minus 3.86 minutes. 717 00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:21,000 In the Second World War, 718 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:23,600 they used condoms to protect the ends of the rifle. 719 00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:26,600 - In the north, in the final attack on Norway. - It was so successful 720 00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:28,800 that they decided that they could do with some 721 00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:32,200 for their 18-inch guns and special condoms were manufactured by... 722 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:34,320 - Is this the Churchill story? - Yes, by Durex. 723 00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:37,000 We've told it on QI, but tell it again, because it's good. 724 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:40,240 Well, Churchill insisted that they be sent out in boxes marked 725 00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:43,600 "for British service personnel use only. Size small." 726 00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:48,360 He added, "That'll show 'em who's the master race." 727 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:01,160 So, if you want to work off the weight gained by eating 728 00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:03,360 a tiny meringue, sex should do it. 729 00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:05,320 Now it's time for one of my knick-knacks, 730 00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,040 a little scientific experiment. 731 00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:09,600 And all I have to do, yes, I know, it's terribly exciting, 732 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:11,200 - isn't it, is bring up this. - Ah ha! 733 00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:13,640 I don't know if you can see in here the tiny little 734 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:18,040 grains of a little kind of, a little crystalline matter. 735 00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:21,080 - And a bottle here. - Salt and vinegar. 736 00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:23,920 It looks like salt and vinegar. Bizarrely, that is what is used 737 00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:26,600 for flavouring salt and vinegar, sodium acetate. 738 00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:30,240 It's got caustic soda and vinegar, which is what makes sodium acetate. 739 00:40:30,240 --> 00:40:34,680 It's then dissolved slowly in water. It's very unstable, if I shook it, it would instantly crystallise, 740 00:40:34,680 --> 00:40:38,680 so I'm going to be very careful about this. But if you add it to crystals, it also crystallises, 741 00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:41,320 - and I hope to make a dildo for you. - Oh, good. 742 00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:43,600 A dildo just out of this liquid. 743 00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:46,440 I'm going to stand up to do it, if the camera allows me to, because 744 00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:49,480 it needs a steady hand and I need to keep rising as I'm slowly pouring. 745 00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:52,480 It's a bit like making mayonnaise, you know, very slowly adding, 746 00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:54,040 adding the oil. 747 00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:57,080 - It's nothing like making mayonnaise. - No, you very slowly... 748 00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:58,600 You're making a phallus. 749 00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:01,560 You very... No, no, in terms of the making, but in terms of the pouring. 750 00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:03,560 This could ruin Mothers' Day for some people. 751 00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:05,040 I'm just going to slowly pour it. 752 00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:07,240 Can you see there's a tiny bit of crystal on there? 753 00:41:07,240 --> 00:41:09,000 So a really very, very small amount. 754 00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:10,120 - Yeah. - OK. - Here we are. 755 00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:14,440 I've got to have a steady slow stream, let's just hope it works. 756 00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:20,640 Oooh! 757 00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:22,720 Oh, I say. 758 00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:27,040 - JOHNNY: - It's a snowman dildo. 759 00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:31,640 # We're walking in the air... # 760 00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:33,640 LAUGHTER 761 00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:39,160 # We're going to land for just awhile... # 762 00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:41,840 "Snowman needs his private time!" 763 00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:48,040 "Get off me back!" 764 00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:51,520 It's not very easy to be very accurate. 765 00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:54,280 I've got to keep doing higher, otherwise it'll touch itself 766 00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:57,040 and blow back into the bottle. But there you go. How's that? 767 00:41:57,040 --> 00:41:58,360 Aah! 768 00:41:58,360 --> 00:42:01,720 APPLAUSE 769 00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:07,760 It's exothermic nucleation, 770 00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:09,880 for the science heads out there. 771 00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:13,960 It's slightly warm. It feels rather gorgeous, and, I mean... 772 00:42:15,680 --> 00:42:17,680 - It's a nice... - He made one earlier. 773 00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:23,240 It's a nice consistency, it's not poisonous, it's not dangerous, but it's a wonderful effect, isn't it? 774 00:42:23,240 --> 00:42:25,600 - Yes, I like it. - It's gorgeous. Yeah, there you are. 775 00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:27,840 It's not an absolutely perfect dildo, but it's... 776 00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:29,680 What's disturbing is it looks like mine. 777 00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:31,720 Yes, exactly. 778 00:42:31,720 --> 00:42:35,240 So that was the supersaturated sodium acetate knick-knack. 779 00:42:35,240 --> 00:42:37,520 And these are the final scores. 780 00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:42,600 And for possibly the first time, we have three people on plus scores. 781 00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:44,400 - It's thrilling. - What? 782 00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:47,360 The winner, with 11 is Sandi Toksvig. 783 00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:49,360 APPLAUSE 784 00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:52,560 In a very, very fine second place 785 00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:55,760 with three points is Johnny Vegas. 786 00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:59,160 APPLAUSE 787 00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:03,240 And with a shatteringly impressive plus two, Janet Street-Porter. 788 00:43:03,240 --> 00:43:05,400 Brilliant! 789 00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:09,360 And the only one plunging into sub-zero conditions, 790 00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:13,000 I'm afraid, is Alan Davies with minus 15. 791 00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:15,720 APPLAUSE 792 00:43:20,680 --> 00:43:24,520 So it's good night from Sandi, Johnny, Janet, Alan and me. 793 00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:27,600 Be very, very special with yourselves, goodbye, bye. 794 00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:44,960 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd