1 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:31,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,920 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:36,440 good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, 4 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:40,240 where tonight we'll be sorting out the Knights from the Knaves. 5 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,080 Strapping on the breastplate of interestingness, 6 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,000 we have a goodly knight, Sue Perkins. 7 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:52,960 A knight to remember, Victoria Coren. 9 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:01,240 A very perfect, gentle knight, the Reverend Richard Coles. 11 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,520 And the long, dark knight of the soul, Alan Davies. 13 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:12,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:18,880 And their knightly noises all come from naves. 15 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:20,280 Sue goes... 16 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,000 PLAINSONG PLAYS 17 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,120 Lovely. And Victoria goes... 18 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,480 PLAINSONG PLAYS 19 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,160 Richard goes... 20 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:35,280 PLAINSONG PLAYS 21 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:39,240 And Alan goes... 22 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:42,640 # Fruity, fruity, fruity! 23 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,480 # Fruity, fruity, fruity! # 24 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,000 Yes. 25 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,560 # Fruity, fruity, fruity! # 26 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:48,920 Yes! 27 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:53,400 # Fruity, fruity, fruity! # 28 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,440 Let... You have been warned. 29 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,000 LAUGHTER 30 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,280 Let's head straight to the lists. 31 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:02,240 Why was the Black Prince so-called? 32 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:03,680 PLAINSONG PLAYS 33 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:04,880 Rev Richard? 34 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,600 Well, if my Ladybird Book Of Princes is to be trusted, 35 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,680 it's because he had black armour. 36 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:11,120 KLAXON 37 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:14,840 Ey! It's the one occasion where the inestimable Ladybird series 38 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,560 has let you down. There is no evidence. 39 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,920 Is it like Reservoir Dogs, where they weren't allowed to use their first names 40 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:23,280 and they got a sign up saying, "You're the Black Knight, you're the White Knight, 41 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:27,120 "you're the Pink Knight"? "Why do I have to be the Pink Knight?" "Just be the Pink Knight." 42 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:28,520 It might as well be true. 43 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:29,760 # Fruity! # 44 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,280 - Yes? - Was he black? 45 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:33,440 LAUGHTER 46 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,240 Well, oddly enough, 47 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:40,760 his mother was perhaps of Moorish descent. 48 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,360 - Ah. - Philippa of Hainault. 49 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:45,280 Which is a Tube line, isn't it? 50 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:47,720 - Hainault is very near where I grew up. - Oh, there you are. 51 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:49,640 - 'Ainault. - ANAL. Do you like ANAL? 52 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,200 Anal... Steady! 53 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,760 LAUGHTER 54 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,760 I just... Is it, is Hainault good? Is, is... 55 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,320 LAUGHTER 56 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:00,720 - What, what, what happened? - I don't know. - Did something happen there? 57 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:01,760 I mean... 58 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,520 APPLAUSE 59 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,960 I find, at the end of every Tube line, you do get a good Hainault. 60 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,000 I think it falls to me to rescue this, somehow. 61 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,520 Yes, I think you should, yes. 62 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,600 Did you know that the oldest British door comes from Hainault? 63 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:18,400 - No. The oldest door? - Well, it's in Westminster Abbey, 64 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:21,280 it's a door which connects a cloister to the Abbey, 65 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,960 and the Canons of Westminster live behind it, 66 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,480 and they dated their door. 67 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,880 And they found that the wood it was made from 68 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,840 was growing in Hainault in the 10th century. 69 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,600 Wow! Are you proud? 70 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,640 I am very proud of the door. 71 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:38,320 The sign painters are getting busy right now, going, 72 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,560 "Home of the oldest door." 73 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:44,080 - It's a reason to get off at Hainault, finally. - Yeah. 74 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,520 Is it a wood that grew there a thousand years ago? 75 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:49,800 Yeah. Well, Philippa of Hainault was perhaps of Moorish descent. 76 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,240 So that may be the reason he was called the Black Prince, 77 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:55,880 - we don't know for a fact. - I'm wondering, do you think the Black Prince might have been 78 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:58,400 called the Black Prince cos his sins were as black as pitch? 79 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:01,720 Yes. I mean, although he was known as the Master Of Chivalry, 80 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,480 he almost destroyed the entire population of Limoges and Caen. 81 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,600 - He doesn't look like he's capable of it. - No, he doesn't, does he? 82 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,360 I know a fact about the Black Prince. 83 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,200 I don't know if it's definitely a fact, 84 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,160 but this is something my husband told me. 85 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,000 David Mitchell told you something and you believe it? 86 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:22,200 You know those sort of early dates when you're just 87 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:26,200 talking about whether you were happy at school and heraldry. 88 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:29,120 LAUGHTER 89 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:33,080 Is this true that - wait now - he stole something off a corpse? 90 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,560 I remember the romance of the moment... 91 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,160 - You're thinking of, "Ich Dien." - Yes, "Ich Dien," 92 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,280 which the Prince of Wales wears now, 93 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,800 that was stolen by the Black Prince off a corpse on a battlefield. 94 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,880 That's right, and it was the feathers as well, 95 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,680 the three feathers that are the symbol of the Prince of Wales. 96 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:53,160 It was the King of Bohemia and he had a very serious disability, 97 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,440 but he still rode into battle. 98 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:56,960 He was blind. 99 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,560 That explains appalling make-up. LAUGHTER 100 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:04,960 That was the King of Bohemia who went into battle against him, 101 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,240 and he defeated him and took his colours, 102 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,320 which were the three Prince of Wales feathers 103 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,000 and the motto, "I serve." "Ich Dien." 104 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,520 Do you know, stealing from dead people was a quite big... 105 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,520 Do you know St Hugh of Lincoln, the great St Hugh of Lincoln... 106 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:21,840 I think we are all pretty, yes, up to speed on St Hugh of Lincoln. 107 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:24,600 He was one of the great saints of the Middle Ages, 108 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:28,160 but he was staying with some monk friends in France, 109 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,360 and they had the preserved arm of Mary Magdalene... 110 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:33,840 I thought I'd got that?! 111 00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:37,400 - You got the other one. - 25 quid I paid for that! 112 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,520 He bent down to venerate it and while he was down there, 113 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,240 he bit off her finger. It's true. He took it back to Lincoln. 114 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:44,800 When you say, "It's true," 115 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:49,040 I happen to know you have written a book on rather obscure saints and 116 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:52,200 are you suggesting that everything about all of them is true? 117 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,560 I'm suggesting that very little about them is true. 118 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,920 The biting off the finger of Mary Magdalene is true. 119 00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:01,640 His friendship with a swan is doubtful. 120 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:04,600 When you say, "Friendship with a swan," are you being euphemistic? 121 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,640 No, his best friend was a swan. 122 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:11,720 And it's depicted in one of his, sort of, portraits, 123 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,360 that he walks around with a swan. 124 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,160 But if you look at Lincoln Cathedral, 125 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,760 it has a vault which is all wonky, which he built, which is 126 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:20,640 said to suggest the flight of a swan's wing. 127 00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:22,720 That's great if builders do something wrong. 128 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:26,640 They could just say, "I was trying to evoke a swan's wing." 129 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:28,560 "Yes, that's right. 130 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,920 "No, that is a symbol of me being crap at building." 131 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,200 He really did bite off the finger. 132 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:37,720 There was a huge, huge trade in bitten off relics. 133 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,120 You know, you weren't on the ecclesiastical map 134 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,360 until you had a good dead bit of someone. 135 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,520 So he was notorious for stuffing his mouth with bitten off 136 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,080 members of one kind or another. 137 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,040 LAUGHTER 138 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,720 The Black Prince, of course, was, as I say, leader of chivalry 139 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:53,480 and chivalry was all about jousting, 140 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,520 so can you tell me anything about jousting? 141 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,240 What the rules were of jousting 142 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:59,560 in the lists, as they were called? 143 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:00,880 You had to... 144 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:02,880 Now, there is the big, massive cotton bud 145 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,160 and you have to hit the shield? 146 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,400 You get a point if you hit the shield or their breastplate? 147 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,640 Absolutely right. 148 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,640 The rules vary but one set of rules we have is that you win 149 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:16,480 - the joust if you get three points. - That's how we do it in Croydon. 150 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,880 You get three points and you get a point for knocking someone 151 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,880 straight on the breastplate so that it shatters the lance. 152 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:25,040 A glancing blow doesn't count. 153 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,720 In the dinner show at the Excalibur casino in Las Vegas, the winner 154 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,560 is the last one to jump off their horse. 155 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,200 - Do they really have that? - Yes, 156 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,440 it's a brilliant show because they've got King Arthur 157 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:40,680 and he fights against his long lost son Prince Christopher. 158 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,520 I think the people that put the show together don't 159 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:46,520 know that there's other people in the story apart from King Arthur. 160 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,440 They thought, "Well, we can't have a story 161 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:50,040 "that only gives you one person, 162 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,880 - "so we will just invent Prince Christopher." - Christopher? 163 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,400 Yes, and he wins because he gets off his horse last 164 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:58,200 and then you all have a big piece of chicken. 165 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,720 But there's no Game Of Thrones... with those noises 166 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,520 and heads coming off and blood spurting out? 167 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:07,400 - They're real people so... - Oh, right. There are ways of doing that. 168 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:09,960 - Do you have to dress as a wench? - You say have to. 169 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,720 LAUGHTER 170 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:18,240 - Yes, they give you some plaits to put on. - Sounds all a bit Bavarian! 171 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:21,480 This is the Excalibur English-themed casino. 172 00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:25,360 It is sort of Harry Potter, Robin Hood, King Arthur 173 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,120 and the Queen are all roughly the same vintage. 174 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,960 You can buy memorabilia of all of them in the same shop. 175 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:34,800 - How many people are sitting down for dinner at this event? - 200. 176 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,440 It's much like this room actually. 177 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:40,840 If Richard and I now galloped towards each other on horseback with lances, 178 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:44,840 as I very much hope we will later, that's exactly what it would be like. 179 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,960 - It's just people have buckets of chicken... - Don't they get a bit... 180 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:51,520 Getting a horse into a casino is a fairly elaborate thing, isn't it? 181 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,800 Las Vegas has white tigers. They had Siegfried & Roy 182 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,240 - with their white tigers. - They do. 183 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:58,200 They don't really have Siegfried & Roy any more. 184 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,280 - There was a terrible mauling. - Yes. 185 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,200 Actually, I really respected Siegfried & Roy 186 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,880 a lot more after that because for years, 187 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,960 people thought they were all cheesy and mainstream 188 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,080 and then one of them had his head bitten off by a tiger. 189 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,600 It showed that every night they were actually taking a risk. 190 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:14,440 - They really were. - The Vicar of Stiffkey, he was bitten by a lion. 191 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:18,000 - He was, Roger something or other. - Harold Davidson I think it was. 192 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,720 You're right. 193 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,000 He was in the '30s, I think, 194 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,560 he was a vicar of Stiffkey, but he used to try and reform 195 00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:28,200 prostitutes in what we'd say is in a very hands-on ministry kind of way. 196 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,320 LAUGHTER 197 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,040 That's what a prostitute needs really. 198 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:35,000 Just a bit more prostituting, but with a goodly hand. 199 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,880 He was tireless in his dedication to his flock 200 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,880 and rather got in a soup, 201 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:44,400 and he ended up as a lion tamer in I think it was Skegness. 202 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,840 It went horribly wrong and he was bitten by his lion 203 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:50,200 and that was the end of the Vicar of Stiffkey. 204 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:54,160 Are you sure you're not accidentally recounting the plot of a limerick? 205 00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,680 Anyway. So there we are. 206 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:03,440 Now, what is the first rule of Knight Club? 207 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:05,600 LAUGHTER 208 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,600 The first rule of Knight Club? 209 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,080 - Yeah. - Well... 210 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,680 ..you don't talk about Knight Club. 211 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,240 KLAXON 212 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:19,080 APPLAUSE 213 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,880 Oh! It had to be. 214 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:24,040 - Somebody had to. - Well done. 215 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:28,080 - Yeah, exactly. - I fell on my sword, which seems appropriate. - Yeah, it was, exactly. 216 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,360 It is an existing club, or a club from the olden times? 217 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:34,280 No, it's a very olde-times club of knights. 218 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:36,520 The most famous group of knights of... 219 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,520 - Templar. - The Knights Templar. 220 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,640 There are still people who think they still exist and, you know, 221 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,680 in the sort of Dan Browny kind of way, 222 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,760 but they actually folded up in 1314. But they were very powerful. 223 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,800 It was after the First Crusade, they were formed, in Jerusalem. 224 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:53,440 And they were allowed to do almost anything. The law didn't apply to them in Jerusalem, 225 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:57,200 which annoyed a lot of people, but there were certain things they weren't allowed to do. 226 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,720 They weren't allowed to breed ferrets? 227 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,960 To breed ferrets! Anything else you know about them? 228 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,760 - Well, you know they look like that. - Chew gum. 229 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,320 - I know about ley lines. - Go on then. 230 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,880 - They made them. - They made... You see, 231 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,520 you've been reading these stupid books about knights, 232 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,400 "Apparently, they are responsible for laying ley lines." 233 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:19,320 - No, well... - "No." - They know where they are, anyway. 234 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,440 Yes, they do. They've got them all hidden. 235 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,240 - No sex? - Well, yeah, they were allowed to marry, 236 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:27,640 but if they married, they weren't allowed to wear the white and red uniform. 237 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,320 There was no hunting except lions. 238 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:30,520 LAUGHTER 239 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:34,160 - That's quite specific. - That would actually be a brilliant rule for now, wouldn't it? 240 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,720 There's so much debate about whether you should hunt or not. 241 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,440 Please everyone - "OK, hunting is allowed, but only lions." 242 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,160 Lions. That's very true. 243 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,800 They were only allowed one squire each, no telling tales, 244 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,720 no lockable purses. 245 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,080 - Oh. - Yeah. 246 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,720 I suppose they have to show their trust or something like that. 247 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,320 But their last and most important rule was no kissing. 248 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,000 "Lastly, we hold it dangerous to all religion 249 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,560 "to gaze too much on the countenance of women 250 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,680 "and therefore, no brother shall presume to kiss neither widow, 251 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,720 "nor virgin, nor mother, nor sister, nor aunt, nor any other woman." 252 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,280 But anal's all right. 253 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,600 LAUGHTER 254 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:07,680 Well... 255 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,280 APPLAUSE 256 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,720 It's very funny you should say that, because one of the reasons 257 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,640 they were closed down is there was a charge against them... 258 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,480 - Too much buggery. - Yeah. 259 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,320 There was a charge against them. 260 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:26,320 "Deosculabantur se in ore, in umbilico, seu ventre nudo, 261 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,560 "et in ano, seu in spina dorsi." "Et in ano." 262 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,040 - Et in ano. - "Et in ano." - And the end, yeah. - Yeah. 263 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:33,520 And in Hainault. 264 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,280 And the accusation was that they kissed one another on the mouth, 265 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:41,520 on the naval, the bare belly, the anus, or the backbone. 266 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,360 - Well, they were thorough. - They were! 267 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,520 LAUGHTER 268 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:50,320 When you're looking for a ley line, you don't want to leave any stone unturned. 269 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,920 "There might be one coming out of his arse!" 270 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,960 "I'll have a look." 271 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,840 - But that is... - "Right, that's enough! That's enough, Templars!" 272 00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,840 LAUGHTER 273 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:03,160 Did you know that the Temple Church in London, which was founded by the 274 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,360 Knights Templar, and there are still some Knights Templar lying around... 275 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:10,200 - Dead ones, yeah. - There's a unique title for, if you're the priest in charge there, 276 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,360 you're the Reverend and Valiant Master of the Temple. 277 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,480 - Oh, that's very good. - Which sounds like something from a Star Wars movie. 278 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,920 - The Reverend and Valiant Master of the Temple. - Yeah. - In that picture, is he going, 279 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,480 "Show me on the cross where he kissed you?" 280 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,720 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 281 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,320 They're all going, "Yeah, yeah." 282 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,960 He's saying, "But my arms are much too long." 283 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,280 - Yes. - "I'm not going to fit on this." 284 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,920 Yes. "You're going to nail me against the air." 285 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,920 - It's true... - "You're going to have to just nail my ears to it." 286 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,600 There you go. 287 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:50,040 Kissing, of course, has long been a controversial thing 288 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:53,440 and in the 20th century, there were anti-kissing leagues. 289 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:56,040 What do you think they objected to? 290 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,800 - There you are. - Transmission of disease? - Yes, you're right, 291 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,640 it was a hygiene issue. 292 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,680 I read a thing also that when trains first began, 293 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:06,480 women travelling on their own in compartments were supposed to put pins in their mouths 294 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:10,280 lest, when they went through a tunnel, someone tried to kiss them. 295 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:12,960 - I read that as well! It's hilarious! - Nail gun their mouths shut? 296 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,000 Mouths full of pins. 297 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:18,520 No, with the pin facing outwards, so if someone went, "Oh, I have to!" 298 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:22,360 They were in for a rude surprise. Yes, I do that in tunnels, 299 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:27,280 - just in case. - I consider myself warned. - I'd keep a pin in my anus. 300 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:35,720 - Oh, dear! - In case any Knights Templar... - were around the place. 301 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:37,280 Oh, you bad person. 302 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:41,280 OK, what makes you think this knight is a total bastard? 303 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,720 - Oh, he looks like a mean... - His hat. - Oh... - Not his hat. 304 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,000 PLAINSONG PLAYS 305 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,880 - Richard? - He's got a diagonal white stripe across his lions, 306 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,520 which means he's been naughty. 307 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,720 - No, he hasn't been naughty at all. - I beg his pardon. 308 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,240 Is he, oh, is he illegitimate? Has his father been naughty? 309 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:01,240 His father's been naughty. It's what's known as the "bend sinister". 310 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,400 Oh, we've all had bend sinister. 311 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,320 It starts at the bottom left and goes up to the top right, 312 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,120 which indicates you are a bastard. 313 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:11,920 And in his case, there's more information just on that simple coat of arms. 314 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,680 The three lions. 315 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,880 - No, he's not the bastard son of Wayne Rooney. - Wayne Rooney. 316 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:17,920 Yeah, yeah. 317 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,640 LAUGHTER 318 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:21,920 Something told me you were going to say that. 319 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,320 Is the red significant? 320 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,680 Yes, it's the Royal Family. It's a royal coat of arms. 321 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,400 - So he's a royal bastard. - Yeah. - So he's a Fitz-John or something? 322 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,480 - A Fitz? - Fitz-Herb, Fitz... - Fitz-Herbert? 323 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:34,200 - Fitz-John, Fitzroy. Of course. - Fitzroy. His name would be Fitzroy. 324 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,760 Fitz is the "son of" and roy, "roi", is king. 325 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:42,560 And one particular king had five Fitzroys from his mistress. 326 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,200 Who would that be? 327 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,040 - Who was a really... - Oh, hang on, George, one of the Georges? 328 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:48,560 No. Go back a bit. Rewind. 329 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:51,360 - Henry VIII. - Charles II. - Charles II. - Henry VII. 330 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,720 - No, Charles II. We got there. - Charles II. 331 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:57,160 - We got there without you. Charles II. - Shouting out some kings to move it along. 332 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,920 Very good. She was called Barbara Palmer and she bore him five... 333 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,520 - Babs. - Five, Babs Palmer. 334 00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:03,600 They don't think of the Babs, do they? 335 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,600 She might have been a Babs, I expect, yeah. 336 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:09,320 - Queen Babs. - Yeah. - "You Fitz'd me up again." - You Fitz'd me up. 337 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:10,680 And we have a Henry... 338 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:13,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 339 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,320 But does it cancel out, if the one with the stripe then marries 340 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,080 and has a legitimate son, don't they take the stripe away? 341 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,280 Ah, that would be very good. 342 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,520 No, I think you keep it, I think, in your coat of arms. 343 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:26,480 There are certain things which indicate something very extraordinary about your shield. 344 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:30,280 - What do you think they are? - OK. - They have a particular meaning. 345 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,720 PLAINSONG PLAYS 346 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,120 Yeah? 347 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,480 Is it visible panty line? 348 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,880 LAUGHTER 349 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:39,840 Oh... 350 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,520 It's terrible, really, they get terrible VPL. 351 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:44,080 It's not visible panty line. 352 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:47,560 It's the colours, actually, are indicative of... 353 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:48,880 Status? 354 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,320 Of sin. Of a mistake, an error. 355 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:54,400 They're known as abatements, also as "stains" 356 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:57,840 as in a stain on the family name, or a stain on the... 357 00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:59,560 Oh. So what can a stain be? 358 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,560 - It's got to be very serious if it's going on your coat of arms. - I know. 359 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,560 Well, the first is called the point champaine tenne, 360 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:09,320 and it's for killing a prisoner who has demanded quarter, or mercy, 361 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:10,800 which is really ungentlemanly. 362 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,960 But how would anybody know that you had done that? 363 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:16,000 You'd have to have a witness. A very good point. It's true of any crime. 364 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,960 They'd have to have something on their shield. 365 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,320 Witnessing someone killing someone who's asked for quarter - 366 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,120 you've got to have something on their shield. 367 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:24,120 That's true, and not intervening. You're right. 368 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:27,320 - But how would you know that they'd done that... - I don't know! 369 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:28,920 ..and not intervened. 370 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:32,080 They'd definitely need something on their shield. 371 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:35,880 They'd have massive whistles and say, "You grassed me up!" 372 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,200 And the shield would just be full of stuff. 373 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:41,120 - A shield within a shield... - "You don't clean the toilet properly." 374 00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:44,560 "You've got a toilet brush, you don't do it, you get one of those." It's endless. 375 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,560 It's a bit like points on a driving licence, isn't it? 376 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:51,720 - It is. You're absolutely right. - It's the points on the shield for... - Yeah. Exactly. 377 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,560 And the next one here, which we'll have a look at. 378 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:55,920 Needs dusting. 379 00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:57,480 LAUGHTER 380 00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:58,840 This is called the delf tenne, 381 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:01,520 and that's for issuing a challenge and then bottling out. 382 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,320 - Coward. - Yeah. - That's a big old yellow smudge on that. 383 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,760 Exactly. Very much a smudge on the coat of arms. 384 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,760 And then, we have a gusset, a gusset sanguine sinister. 385 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,480 - A gusset sanguine? - Yeah. 386 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:12,800 On a knight, really? 387 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,640 Yeah, I know, absurd, isn't it? 388 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,160 - Gusset sanguine.... - There's no reason for you to get it. 389 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,920 - Well, the sanguine is the colour. - So a bloody... - It's blood colour. It's for being drunk. 390 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,880 And you have a gusset sanguine dexter. 391 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:25,480 Which is on the right, and that's... 392 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,240 - Is being... - Being stoned? - Being an adulterer. - Oh, right. 393 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:29,360 And there you are. 394 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:32,520 Now we have one that you have to guess, so tell me what this is. 395 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:33,920 You're a drunken adulterer. 396 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,920 There you are, you see, points for listening. 397 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:39,440 So that's the whole world of heraldry. 398 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,160 In a way, it's sort of a nicer design for the drunken adulterer. 399 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,640 - It is, isn't it? - I feel like it's too rewarding. 400 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,240 Is it two gussets or a wine glass? 401 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:50,320 Well, that's the choice facing the drunken adulterer. 402 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:51,720 Yes, exactly. Exactly. 403 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:53,680 LAUGHTER 404 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,280 - It's perfect. - Every Saturday. 405 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,080 APPLAUSE 406 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:00,800 Oh, they knew what they were doing. 407 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,560 Did you know that if you're a clergyman you can't have 408 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,400 a helmet on your coat of arms? 409 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:06,760 - Oh, thank God. - Phew! 410 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,800 LAUGHTER 411 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,120 Because you can't have been a chaplain or something? 412 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:14,600 No, you can't do anything which is... Did you know that if you're a clergyman, 413 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:18,200 if you go to a black tie do, you can't have a stripe down your trousers? 414 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,800 - No. - Because, no, because it's a military insignia. - Oh. - And you can't have that. 415 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,720 And you can't have a helmet because it's a martial sign. 416 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,040 So you have to have this sort of, it's a lovely sort of, 417 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,800 do you remember Bill and Ben? 418 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,640 It's a bit like that, it's called a galero. 419 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:34,160 - Oh, how fabulous. - And it's black if you're a priest and red if you're a Cardinal. 420 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,360 And if you're the Pope, you get a pointy one with three tiaras. 421 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,400 - Oh! - Oh. Quite the fellow. 422 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,360 I want to be Pope now. 423 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,720 I think you'd look good in that. 424 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,120 You've got to... Oh, you've got to have it. 425 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:48,080 - Who decides this? - There are people who apply to, they decide. 426 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,640 Isn't it the College of Arms? And you have to pay. 427 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,520 How do you become one of the people that decide? How do you become a herald? 428 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:57,400 If you go to Garter Day at Windsor Castle, they turn out for that. 429 00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:58,720 LAUGHTER 430 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,960 I need to see photos of Garter Day at Windsor Castle. 431 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,080 It's very exciting because it's a big do 432 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:06,080 and if they install new Knights of the Garter, 433 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,440 you are in there for hours, then you hear sort of tramping 434 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:12,120 from miles away and all of a sudden, the beefeaters come in all done up. 435 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,080 - Then you get the College of Heralds... - It's like a gay tsunami! 436 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,440 They carry things, have special big T-shirts. 437 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,720 - Saying, "War. What is it good for?" - LAUGHTER 438 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:27,000 So that's our knights with their shields. 439 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,680 You also find knights on a chess board, of course. 440 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:32,080 So what I want to know is this very strange conundrum. 441 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:35,000 What's the maximum number of knights you can have on a chess board, 442 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,920 such that none of them can take another one? 443 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:40,640 - Oh, multiples of eight, I suppose. - I'll give you, you can try it out. 444 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,880 So that none can... 445 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,120 Maximum number. 446 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,880 What you have to do is understand what a knight's move is. 447 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,840 Stephen, I don't understand the question. 448 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:52,880 It's the maximum, it's the maximum number of knights you could 449 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,560 have on a chess board, such that none can take the other. 450 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:58,720 Have you noticed something in common with the ones you're putting down? 451 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,800 - They're all the same. - The same, OK, the same colour, so... 452 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,440 Yes, because a knight move must take a different colour. 453 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:05,840 - Oh. - So 32. 454 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:07,840 - 32 is the right answer! - Oh. 455 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:10,840 It's really very simple when you think about it, isn't it? Very good. 456 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,280 APPLAUSE 457 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:16,040 It's one of those things that sounds very complicated, that you have to work out for ages, 458 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,520 - but there you are. - I still don't understand it at all. 459 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,000 Well, none of those knights can take another knight. 460 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,560 - But isn't that rather more knights than we're used to? - Yes. 461 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,560 LAUGHTER 462 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,680 It's a problem, it's not a real chess situation. 463 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,720 - It's if you had... - Because they move, because of the way they move, 464 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,640 diagonal and up one, they move to the alternate colour. 465 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,880 - Yes. - So if you've got all the knights on the same colour, they cannot take... 466 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,160 - Exactly right, I mean, that's how... - Oh, I get it. 467 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:42,520 In the centre of the board, you're controlling eight different squares there. 468 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,400 They're all a different colour, the knights are on a black square. 469 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:48,040 So all you have to do is put them all on a black or a white square. 470 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,320 When you move your knight, do you make a horsey noise? 471 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:51,360 HE WHINNIES 472 00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:52,440 Do you? That's so sweet. 473 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,320 HE SNORTS AND SPUTTERS 474 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,120 And when you move your rook. 475 00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:57,480 SHE CAWS 476 00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:58,720 When I do the bishop... 477 00:21:58,720 --> 00:21:59,840 HE IMITATES PLAINSONG 478 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:03,440 - When you do your queen, "Hello." - "Hello." - "Hello." 479 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:04,920 That's your bishop. 480 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,200 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 481 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,840 - Oh, you're going to get in such trouble. - No! 482 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,720 You're going to get in trouble from both sides. 483 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,960 I've been going, "Ooh, you are awful, but I like you." 484 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,480 You're getting into trouble from both sides, Richard. 485 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:20,880 If the Bishop of Peterborough is watching this evening, 486 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:24,000 you'll have my resignation on your desk in the morning, by the way. 487 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:26,960 - He confirmed me, not the present one. - Which one? - Oh, God knows. 488 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,920 - Was it the rudest bishop in the Church of England? - It could've been. 489 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,360 He just gave me a piece of the Host and moved on to the next line. 490 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,600 - He gave you a piece of the Host?! - Yes. 491 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,240 What the hell kind of party was it?! 492 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:41,480 It's what you would call the bread and wine, as well you know, 493 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,760 you secret religious, you. 494 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,320 I think it might have been Bishop Westwood 495 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:50,800 who, interestingly, is the father of Tim Westwood, the hip-hop DJ. 496 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,760 - Good gracious! - Does he speak like him? 497 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:55,640 Does he have a particular way of speaking? 498 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:59,080 Tim Westwood talks like a hip-hop star from the West Coast of... 499 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,840 - Oh, does he? A false American accent? - It's very effective. 500 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:03,440 - Ali G is based on Tim Westwood. - Really? 501 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:06,560 But his father was the Bishop of Peterborough who was famous for knitting. 502 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,040 LAUGHTER 503 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:11,280 - It's true! - For knitting?! 504 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,800 The knitting Bishop! 505 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:15,760 There were items on Look East about his knitting. 506 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:21,160 Isn't there a version of chess for kind of chess-heads 507 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:24,400 called fairy chess, where the pieces do more things? 508 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,800 - What a wonderful... - I'm not making this up, I'm sure this is true. - Fairy chess. 509 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,760 That there's versions of chess where you can call these fairy pieces 510 00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:33,160 - and they can do extra things. - How many drugs did you take 511 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,280 when you were hanging out with Jimmy Somerville? 512 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,920 So you can just go, you're playing chess and suddenly you go, 513 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:39,600 "No, we're playing fairy chess now." 514 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:42,080 # La, la, la, la, la... # 515 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:43,200 Checkmate. 516 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,000 Yeah, well, I don't have to touch the pieces. 517 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,320 - Yeah. - Oh, I see. 518 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:50,160 - The whole point of chess is its limitations. - Yeah. - Yes. Precisely. 519 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,720 It's all about the strictness in which you have to operate. 520 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,080 But hang on, Mrs Poker Player Victoria Coren Mitchell, 521 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:57,520 aren't there versions of poker where they kind of introduce 522 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,360 wild cards and stuff to kind of get it...? It's the same sort of thing. 523 00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:02,640 Yeah, poker's different. As Martin Amis once said, 524 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,880 "In chess, the properties of a bishop are fixed. 525 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:08,480 "In poker, it's all wobbled through the prism of personality." 526 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,600 - Very good. - A beautiful quote. - Beautifully put. 527 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:14,200 Although, even chess players will say the best chess move to play 528 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:15,480 is not the best chess move, 529 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:18,040 it's the move your opponent would least like you to play. 530 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,080 So in that sense, it is very like poker. 531 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:22,280 Anybody who played Kasparov, for example, 532 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:25,040 will say that the moment he sat down at the table, you felt beaten. 533 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:27,360 He was so virile, so big, like a... 534 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:29,680 Five o'clock shadow at ten in the morning 535 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:31,000 and he hunched over the board. 536 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,200 But what nobody ever tried with Kasparov was just grabbing the queen 537 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,200 and shouting, "I'm playing fairy chess!" 538 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:39,760 That's exactly right! Exactly right! 539 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:43,520 You can put your boards away now, children. There you go. 540 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:47,040 32. Brilliantly deduced by Sue "Brilliant" Perkins. 541 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,600 Kasparov wouldn't have liked it if you'd gone... 542 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:50,840 HE BLUSTERS ..every time. 543 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,960 He'd have liked it even less if you did it when he moved his! 544 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,120 LAUGHTER 545 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,520 It's a brilliant strategy! 546 00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,360 Every time he moved his knight, you'd go... 547 00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:01,480 HE WHINNIES 548 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:04,040 "Put me back in the stable!" 549 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,400 - With fairy chess, it could go... - HE NEIGHS 550 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:15,080 - Victoria, what was that line, that Martin Amis line again? - It's beautiful. 551 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,960 "In chess, the properties and powers of a bishop are fixed. 552 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:21,160 "In poker, it is wobbled through the prism of personality." 553 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,920 But do you know when he said that, Stephen? 554 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,320 It was after a poker game that you and I and he all played. 555 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:29,760 - Yes, I remember, in Wales. - Many years ago. - With the then-unknown Ricky Gervais. 556 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,760 Ricky Gervais was knocked out, got up and said, 557 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,080 "What am I supposed to do now?" 558 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,240 And you said, "There's a shotgun in the drawer." 559 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:37,640 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 560 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:45,680 Oh, God. 561 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,520 That would be a very good, very good title for a book. 562 00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:52,720 So, now, name a place where a knight can be buried. 563 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,200 The ground. 564 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,360 KLAXON 565 00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:57,720 Amazingly not. 566 00:25:57,720 --> 00:25:59,640 APPLAUSE 567 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,320 You must be astonished to know that isn't true. 568 00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:05,160 Do they have to be buried above the ground? 569 00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:06,800 No, I'm saying that they can be buried, 570 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,280 but where can they be buried? 571 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:11,440 In a...tomb? 572 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,720 - A vault? - A hole. 573 00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,880 LAUGHTER 574 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:17,720 - A pyramid. - A pyramid. 575 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,800 The fact is, is the moment you are dead, you are no longer a knight. 576 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,000 - You're not a knight any more! - Oh, of course! - Right. 577 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,480 Cos everyone was shouting about how Jimmy Savile should 578 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:30,520 have his knighthood taken away. But they'd have had to give it back to him, in order to take it away. 579 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,000 You're no longer a member of the Order the moment you die. 580 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:36,400 So the moment you die, you're not a knight. So you can't bury a knight anywhere. 581 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:39,480 Unless you're very mean and bury them alive, I suppose. 582 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:43,960 Do you know who has the record for turning down the most knighthoods? 583 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:47,840 - No. - LS Lowry. He turned down more honours than anybody else. 584 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:52,080 - Good Lord! - Mr Pin Man? Mr Stick Drawing? - Matchstick men, yeah. 585 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:54,920 Alan Bennett certainly turned one down. Who else do we know? 586 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,560 The art, isn't it, is turning one down 587 00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,440 so everybody knows you've turned it down. 588 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:01,640 So everyone knows without you telling them, which I refuse to do. 589 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,800 - I turned one down. - We all thought that was a poorly-kept secret. 590 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:08,720 - You haven't quite grasped this, Alan. - Sir ANAL Davies. 591 00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,480 LAUGHTER 592 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:13,080 I'm sorry to go on about it, but if you're a clergyman, 593 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,720 and you're knighted, you can't call yourself Sir. 594 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:19,640 - Whoa! - Unless you are knighted before you're ordained, 595 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:22,240 and then you can be the Reverend Sir or Lady. 596 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:25,560 - What a swiz! - It's a chivalric order, you can't be... 597 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:27,480 It's military, isn't it, if you're a knight? 598 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,440 Exactly, so you can't be that if you're a vicar. You can't bear arms. 599 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:33,640 You can bare legs though, can't you? Yes. Ha-ha! 600 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,640 LAUGHTER 601 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:40,280 So, there are no dead knights, only dead former knights. 602 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,280 Which knight's luggage included cannabis, bladders, 603 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:46,360 shark intestines, strychnine, chilli pepper, cocaine, 604 00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:48,840 - heroin and Kendal Mint Cake? - PLAINSONG PLAYS 605 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:50,080 Yes, Sue Perkins. 606 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:52,880 I say to get him through Eurovision, Terry Wogan. 607 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:54,840 KLAXON 608 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:58,720 - APPLAUSE - We got there! We got there! 609 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,280 Oh, you've got them all! 610 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:06,280 We've thought of all the heroic endurance struggles, yes. 611 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:07,320 PLAINSONG PLAYS 612 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,960 - Was it Sir Edmund Hillary? - It wasn't Sir Edmund Hillary, 613 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:16,560 although Sir Edmund Hillary did take Kendal Mint Cake right up the Everest. 614 00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:19,920 Really?! I didn't know that was a serving suggestion! 615 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:22,920 I'm going to go home and try it now, though. 616 00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:25,480 It was one of the many things that made Kendal Mint Cake 617 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:27,640 famous in its day, when it was famous perhaps. 618 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:31,600 - Was it Ranulph Fiennes? - You're in exactly the right area. - Shackleton? 619 00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:35,560 Sir Ernest Shackleton is the answer. The Antarctic explorer. 620 00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:39,320 - That's him in the darker polo neck. - It's a really fun job, isn't it? 621 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:41,440 The endurance was astonishing. 622 00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:45,720 - They all look like Captain Birdseye. - They don't look happy. 623 00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:49,080 The one on the right actually can't open his eyes any more. 624 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:53,040 - Is it true the he used to take strychnine as a tonic? - Yes, that's right. 625 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:56,880 I've been to Shackleton's hut. I don't really remember what was there. 626 00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:58,680 This was his first aid kit. 627 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:01,480 It had isinglass, which is from the swim bladders of sturgeons, 628 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:03,320 for use as a wound dressing. 629 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:06,320 Tonics of iron and strychnine - completely correct, Richard. 630 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:09,520 And iron and arsenic, which the wrong doses of either could 631 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:12,720 cause a horrible lingering death, so you had to get that right. 632 00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:16,400 A colic treatment based on cannabis and chilli pepper. 633 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,640 Ginger carminative, an anti-flatulence preparation. 634 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:20,680 LAUGHTER 635 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:29,080 Cocaine solution, which was in fact used as eye drops for - what problem? 636 00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:31,800 Tired eyes. It would certainly perk them up. 637 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:34,080 It's actually snow blindness. 638 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:38,960 Used chalk and opium against diarrhoeas, like kaolin and morphine. 639 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:42,160 - And Kendal Mint Cake. Have you ever had Kendal Mint Cake? - It's lovely! 640 00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:45,520 I find it quite plain. I would have taken a Crunchie. 641 00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:48,840 It's nice to see that picture 642 00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:52,000 because it explains what that man gave me at Schiphol Airport. 643 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,040 Kendal Mint Cake! 644 00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:56,520 If you go to Shackleton's hut, 645 00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:59,800 you are followed all the way there by a New Zealand official, 646 00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:02,360 and if you eat anything at all, like a packet of crisps, he walks, 647 00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,920 looking around you, making sure you haven't dropped any crumbs. 648 00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:09,640 I should hope so! And is it worth a visit? Where is Shackleton's hut? 649 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:13,120 - It's on Antarctica. - You've been there? - Yes. - When did you go there? 650 00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:14,480 How exciting! 651 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,280 Ten or 15 years ago, but it was a very exciting 652 00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:19,920 opportunity to see somewhere I would never normally go. 653 00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:23,040 - Was this from New Zealand? - Yes, from New Zealand. 654 00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:24,360 You go up from Christchurch. 655 00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:27,800 I went to an exhibition about Scott in Christchurch 656 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:32,440 and they talk about what Amundsen took - a completely different plan. 657 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:36,120 Whereas Scott's plan was to go with ponies and horses and things, 658 00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:38,960 Amundsen was from Norway and they just went with dogs, 659 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:43,320 55 dogs I think they had. They were really much better at it. 660 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:45,200 - SUE: - Dogs can go very... Have you ever been... 661 00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:48,720 I have been in Wyoming. It was one of the most thrilling things I've ever done. 662 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:51,800 A friend of mine did that and she said that the thing is, the dogs 663 00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:56,720 cannot stop when nature calls and that you get pelted with poo. 664 00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:59,920 Pelted with droppings. 665 00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:03,960 - Pebble-dashed by huskies. - It is basically husky cack, 666 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:05,960 liquid husky cack flying. 667 00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:09,480 What Amundsen dogs didn't know was that they would be 668 00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:13,720 - eaten by the men and by the other dogs. - Is that what happened? 669 00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:18,360 - Yes, it was very carefully worked out, very precisely. - You can't carry all that dog food, 670 00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:21,880 you can't feed all those dogs all the way there and all the way back. 671 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,960 This is the programme that Paul O'Grady must never make. 672 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:27,680 The death of dogs! 673 00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,960 I think it was a bit unkind of Amundsen to put "nul points" under the flag. 674 00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:37,960 Now to some knaves. 675 00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:40,840 What's the best way to stop your car from being stolen? 676 00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:44,360 Never park it, just drive it around and around. 677 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:46,800 Keep driving round and around and around. Yeah. 678 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,640 What you've cunningly done is avoid the obvious trap of saying 679 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:52,880 you have a car alarm, because it seems that car alarms are worse than useless. 680 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:55,160 In fact, we know that instinctively, don't we? 681 00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:58,120 - Yeah, because you ignore them. - You ignore them. Exactly. - Yeah. 682 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:00,480 In fact, not only that, 1% of people, when asked, 683 00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:03,760 said that they would actually call the police if they heard a car alarm, 684 00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:05,960 and 60% said they would call up to complain about it. 685 00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:09,040 So you would actually make a phone call, but not to say that someone's 686 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:11,880 car was being stolen, but just to say what a bloody nuisance it was. 687 00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:15,720 - So if that's the worst thing to do, what's the best thing to do? - Put in an old-fashioned lock. 688 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,960 - Or have a rubbish car. - Or have a terrible car. - I've got a terrible car. 689 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:23,840 - Have you? - With loads of graffiti on it. Someone drew a penis on the front bonnet. 690 00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:27,120 A friend of mine who's married to a vicar, she came out one morning 691 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:30,880 and found someone had written "Monk Whore" on the back of her car. 692 00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:33,920 LAUGHTER 693 00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:36,560 Extraordinary! Monk whore. 694 00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:39,120 - Monk whore. - And now on BBC One, Monk Whore. 695 00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:41,080 LAUGHTER 696 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:43,800 - Robson Green... - Is Monk Whore. 697 00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:46,400 But did you know that actually car thieving 698 00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:48,680 is almost never a female occupation? 699 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:51,280 - That's like a challenge. - Yeah. - Yeah. 700 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:52,800 Tonight, the pair of us. 701 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:55,280 There's, I'm sure you know who that is, but... 702 00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:56,760 That's Bonnie. 703 00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:58,520 Bonnie as in Bonnie and Clyde, yes. 704 00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:01,920 But apparently, the confraternity of car thieves don't think women 705 00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:04,440 should be allowed, so if a woman steals a car, 706 00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:07,160 they can't sell it on, cos they go, "Oh, I'm not having that. 707 00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:09,760 "I'm not having it off you, you don't know what it's about." 708 00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:13,920 So what you're saying is there's very little to divide between car thieves and car salesmen. 709 00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:16,560 - Yes. - Of a similar view. - It's a sexist bastion. 710 00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:18,680 I saw this brilliant documentary about crime 711 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:21,760 and they interviewed these two young car criminals who were in jail, 712 00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:24,280 and they talked about what pride they took in their work, 713 00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:26,240 and one of them turned to the camera and said, 714 00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:30,200 "Some car criminals, unfortunately, give the rest of us a bad name." 715 00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:32,560 Fantastic. A bit of pride in his work. 716 00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:35,880 Now, explain the effect of Stockholm Syndrome. 717 00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:38,520 - Oh. - Wasn't that when you identify... 718 00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,000 LAUGHTER 719 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:44,480 Oh. But you identify, if you're a victim of kidnap, 720 00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:46,480 you identify with your kidnappers 721 00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:49,240 - and you sort of become weird friends. - Yeah. - Is that right? 722 00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:50,560 I mean, that is what they say. 723 00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:53,080 From the Patty Hearst kidnap, is where it started? 724 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:55,480 Well, no, because she was nothing to do with Stockholm. 725 00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:58,520 There was a '73 kidnapping in Stockholm, where, 726 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:02,920 after which it was named, that's the Stockholm four. 727 00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:05,560 And they defended the robbers after the event and so on, so... 728 00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:08,440 - Cos they'd become so inured to the system of... - That's right. - Yeah. 729 00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:10,360 And the most famous one, as you rightly say, 730 00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:12,960 was the heiress of William Randolph Hearst, Patty Hearst, 731 00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:14,800 who was kidnapped by a strange group 732 00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:17,720 called the Symbionese Liberation Army. 733 00:34:17,720 --> 00:34:20,520 Unusually for a clergyman of the Church of England, 734 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:22,280 I've had dinner with Patty Hearst. 735 00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:24,720 - You haven't! - I have. - How was she? Is she back to normal? 736 00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:28,520 Charming, completely charming. I didn't know who she was until someone said who she was. 737 00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:31,160 By the time they had coffee, she wanted to be a vicar. 738 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:32,720 LAUGHTER 739 00:34:32,720 --> 00:34:36,160 She had sort of become a kind of Bohemian socialite in Los Angeles, 740 00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:37,960 in the 1980s, when I used to go there 741 00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:40,240 in a previous incarnation, and I met her... 742 00:34:40,240 --> 00:34:42,360 And when you were a rock star, a rock god. 743 00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:44,680 - Oh, you! - Yeah. 744 00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:47,840 And I met her there. It was those sort of dinners that you would go to 745 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:49,680 where everyone would be weirdly famous 746 00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:51,640 and have no other reason to be there at all, 747 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:53,840 so you'd have Patty Hearst and, I don't know... 748 00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:57,600 - Nancy Reagan. - ..Andy Warhol and Eddie the Eagle, you know. 749 00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:00,240 Oh, that's a dinner you'd want to go to. 750 00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:01,720 Definitely. Definitely. 751 00:35:01,720 --> 00:35:04,640 But the fact is, it seems to be an aberration, it's very rare. 752 00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:06,920 Most people when they're kidnapped, have nothing 753 00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:08,720 but feelings of complete hostility 754 00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:10,920 towards their captors. As you would expect. 755 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:13,720 I would feel, as a clergyman, sort of bound to sort of... 756 00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:15,280 Are you a clergyman? 757 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:18,160 - I would sort of feel obliged to kind of be nice to them. - Oh, you would. 758 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:20,000 And establish some rapport of some kind. 759 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:23,920 - "I do understand your point of view." - Exactly, yes. "I think your case is good in parts." 760 00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:26,720 - It would be like that. - Yes, exactly. 761 00:35:26,720 --> 00:35:28,960 So there was a famous figure in history, 762 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:31,800 one of the most famous in history, who did certainly not have 763 00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:34,800 Stockholm Syndrome, who was kidnapped by pirates. 764 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:37,160 - And... - Pirates in history, kidnapped... - Johnny Depp. 765 00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:40,640 No. This is a great figure in history. 766 00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:42,920 - Kidnapped by pirates? - Who was kidnapped by pirates, 767 00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:44,720 was held hostage and the ransom was paid. 768 00:35:44,720 --> 00:35:46,360 - Give us some clues. - What sort of era? 769 00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:50,600 He then pursued them with a small fleet, or a number of boats, a flotilla. 770 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,640 - Francis Drake. - Drake? - No, and... - Cook? - Raleigh, Cook? - Nelson. 771 00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:55,120 Had them all crucified. 772 00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:58,600 - Oh. - A Roman. - Oh, it was Julius Caesar. - Julius Caesar is the right answer. 773 00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:02,080 - Julius Caesar. - Yeah. And the thing is, he had told them while he was held hostage, 774 00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:04,720 "When I get out of here, I will come back and I will crucify you." 775 00:36:04,720 --> 00:36:07,080 And they apparently thought it was a joke. 776 00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:08,360 Joke's on you. 777 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:10,640 - Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. - Who's laughing now? 778 00:36:10,640 --> 00:36:13,800 Yeah. They didn't know their Caesar. Exactly. 779 00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:17,600 - So, one tough cookie. - How do you crucify someone if they've got hooks for hands? 780 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:19,240 It's very, very difficult. 781 00:36:19,240 --> 00:36:22,920 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 782 00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:24,320 Do they hang them up? 783 00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:28,880 - They have magnets, massive magnets. - Magnets. Magnets. 784 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:32,400 They have got one wooden leg, though, haven't they, so that's not so difficult. 785 00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:35,120 VICTORIA: Why? Why was Julius Caesar kidnapped by pirates? 786 00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:38,360 - Under what circumstances? - It was a ransom, simply, it was a business... 787 00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:40,760 But they didn't kill him, it sounds like he was harsh. 788 00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:43,200 He went after them and had them crucified. 789 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:45,200 He was not a man to be trifled with. Julie. 790 00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:48,640 - Well, especially if you call him Julie, I imagine. - Yeah, no, he didn't like that. 791 00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:51,440 The worst thing you can do to Julius Caesar, call him Julie. 792 00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:55,600 Is call him Jules. There is a suggestion that Stockholm syndrome could be 793 00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:58,480 a sort of psychological thing, in the same way that women 794 00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:01,960 throughout history have had to put up with being taken and seized 795 00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:04,960 and that the human being is conditioned to make the best of a bad job. 796 00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:08,320 - Well, we've all been there. - But that's just a relationship, Stephen. 797 00:37:08,320 --> 00:37:12,440 - Yes, that's right. - But it is sort of logical, if you thought you were being kidnapped long-term, 798 00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:16,080 - it makes sense to try and see it from the other person's point of view. - Yes, it does. 799 00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:19,920 - Just to maintain sanity, apart from anything. - In fact, to get the syndrome to work on them, 800 00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:23,440 rather than you. For them to be so fond of you, they would no longer want to kill you, 801 00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:24,560 which would be handy. 802 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:28,240 Now, what's a good reason for faking your own kidnapping? 803 00:37:28,240 --> 00:37:30,520 Oh, I mean... 804 00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:32,680 If you're bored on holiday? 805 00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:35,360 - That would do it. - You're trying to get out of a relationship, 806 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:37,320 that's why I always do it. 807 00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:41,080 There was an American man who pretended to be kidnapped 808 00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:43,920 just so that he had an excuse as to why he hadn't 809 00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:45,800 called his girlfriend for two weeks. 810 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,600 LAUGHTER 811 00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:49,560 He was terrified of her reaction. 812 00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:52,480 And the police realised it because he had duct tape 813 00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:56,960 round his wrists, but the reel, the spool of it was still connected. 814 00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:59,160 You can't tear it with your teeth, it's so fibrous. 815 00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:02,280 I could imagine the girlfriend saying, "You could still have texted." 816 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:05,120 Yes, exactly. Exactly, he could have done. 817 00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:08,000 There was Jennifer Wilbanks of Duluth, 818 00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:10,880 who faked a kidnapping to get out of attending her own wedding. 819 00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:12,840 Yeah, I've been there. 820 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,840 But weirdest of all, there was a 2008 case of another Spaniard, 821 00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:19,160 Josefa Sanchez Vargas, who convinced 822 00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:22,200 her husband to pay more than half a million pounds to secure the release 823 00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:25,840 of their children. It was a faked kidnapping, which you'd say, 824 00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:29,880 "Well, that's... We expect that," except she did that six times over five years. 825 00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:31,360 He didn't twig. 826 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:35,000 - That's quite a nest egg, isn't it? - Every time she needed a new hat. 827 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,320 Some people get kidnapped just for the thrill of it. 828 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:40,520 - Can you imagine why that would be? - So they pay for kidnappers to kidnap them 829 00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:43,000 so they can experience the visceral thrill of, you know, 830 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:45,600 being in a car boot with a load of duct tape round your ankles. 831 00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:47,680 - Absolutely that. - People are weird. - I know! 832 00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:49,360 The BBC does it to you too. 833 00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:51,040 If you are going into a hostile zone, 834 00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:52,920 you have hostile zone training where 835 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:55,960 as you're driving your Land Rover, chaps come out with ski masks and 836 00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:59,080 put bags over your head and bundle you into the back of a... 837 00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:00,560 Oh, this is for BBC reporters. 838 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:04,280 I was just thinking, "Why presenting Blue Peter..." 839 00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:07,960 Hostile zone as in people who are not very nice to you. 840 00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:10,760 It sounds like a Top Gear sex park, 841 00:39:10,760 --> 00:39:13,360 where Clarkson gets his kicks of a weekend. 842 00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:15,000 One of those funny phrases, isn't it? 843 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:18,360 When you are put in the back of a van you are always bundled. 844 00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:20,200 Bundled! It's the only word... 845 00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:23,400 - It's true. - Don't get bundled onto a bus. 846 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,760 Anyway, yes, there's a French company that, 847 00:39:25,760 --> 00:39:28,840 for 900 euros, gives you your basic kidnapping, 848 00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:32,160 which is being shoved into a car boot and held down and blindfolded. 849 00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:35,080 And then, for a little extra money, you can have helicopter chases 850 00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:36,680 and really quite sort of sexy stuff. 851 00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:41,000 - And then, they'll cut your ear off and send it to your mum. - Yes. 852 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:43,680 So, now it's time for me to hold you all hostage. 853 00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:46,320 There's no escape from General Ignorance. 854 00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:47,680 Fingers on the buzzers please. 855 00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:51,680 How long should you wait before reporting a missing person to the police? 856 00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:52,960 PLAINSONG PLAYS 857 00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:55,320 - Yes, Sue? - Well, certainly until they're missing. 858 00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:57,120 LAUGHTER 859 00:39:57,120 --> 00:39:59,960 - Very good. - Until they're out of sight. - Yeah. - Yes, that's... 860 00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:03,960 - Just when they've left the road. - Yes, when they've turned the corner. - Yes. - When is it too soon? 861 00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:06,720 "Just going to make a cup of tea." "Right, I'm ringing." 862 00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:08,600 24 hours? 863 00:40:08,600 --> 00:40:10,000 KLAXON 864 00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:11,360 Ah, no. 865 00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:16,760 - You shouldn't wait at all, if you're convinced someone's missing. - Absolutely right. 866 00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:20,120 If you take your child into a supermarket, it would be 20 minutes, wouldn't it? 867 00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:23,840 - You know that they're gone. - 20 seconds. - 20 seconds. You just check they're not there. 868 00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:25,520 I'm going to wait 24 hours. 869 00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:28,560 Go home to my wife, "Well, I don't know where she is." 870 00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:30,200 LAUGHTER 871 00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:33,040 - "But I'm going to wait till tomorrow." - Yes. 872 00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:36,160 "We might as well go out, because we don't have to get a baby-sitter." 873 00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:39,200 LAUGHTER 874 00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:42,240 "Let's go and have a curry and some wine and phone her in the morning." 875 00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:45,640 You're absolutely right. Then, of course, if it's an adult, it doesn't matter, 876 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:48,600 cos the police are very likely just to say, "That's not our business." 877 00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:50,800 Unless they have a particular problem. 878 00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:53,080 But the fact is, yeah, there is no set time. 879 00:40:53,080 --> 00:40:55,480 The police use their own skill and judgment, as it were. 880 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,560 - If it's a child, there's obviously... - Oh, well. 881 00:40:57,560 --> 00:40:59,680 ALAN LAUGHS 882 00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:01,600 - I don't know why that's... - That's a message. 883 00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:04,440 That's three words you don't hear in the same sentence, isn't it? 884 00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:07,400 Yeah, you just hope you're not burgled soon, Alan. 885 00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:11,000 Oh, I was burgled so many times in the '90s that one time 886 00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,720 they came round, it was like the fifth time I'd been burgled, 887 00:41:13,720 --> 00:41:16,280 they came round and my cat came in, and this constable goes, 888 00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:18,240 "If only he could talk." 889 00:41:18,240 --> 00:41:20,440 LAUGHTER 890 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,960 That's fantastic. Oh, that's brilliant. 891 00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:26,280 Is that how we're going to... Is that it then? 892 00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:29,000 Is that the extent of the investigation? 893 00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,120 Willing the animal to give evidence. 894 00:41:31,120 --> 00:41:35,200 Now, what did Parliament pay for to put in Sir Peter Viggers' garden? 895 00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:36,480 PLAINSONG PLAYS 896 00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:37,520 Yes? 897 00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:39,000 The notorious duck house. 898 00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:40,400 KLAXON 899 00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:42,520 Ah. You're in the duck house there. 900 00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:45,680 The fact is, the duck house was one of the ones that they turned down. 901 00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:50,520 - Oh. - Yeah, he put in claims for £32,000 for gardening. 902 00:41:50,520 --> 00:41:54,040 £500 for 28 tonnes of manure. 903 00:41:54,040 --> 00:41:58,040 £1,645 for the duck island, but that was turned down 904 00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:02,320 by the eagle-eyed guardians of the national purse. 905 00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:05,000 It's probably worth mentioning that at the same time as that 906 00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:07,280 £8 billion was spent bailing out the banks, 907 00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:10,240 it was just that was too big a sum for anyone to get their heads around, 908 00:42:10,240 --> 00:42:12,400 so they went, "What? £10 for a sandwich?!" 909 00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:15,080 - I know. - "This is appalling." - It is, it's fascinating, isn't it? 910 00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:17,680 Sir Peter Viggers later commented that the duck house was, 911 00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:19,160 "Never liked by the ducks..." 912 00:42:19,160 --> 00:42:20,520 LAUGHTER 913 00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:22,000 "..and is now in storage." 914 00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:24,360 Ah, look, there they are. They don't need an island. 915 00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:26,240 - (I love ducks, don't you?) - Hmm. 916 00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:28,720 You never see that sort of thing on a coat of arms, do you? 917 00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:31,960 All the sort of lions and dragons, you never see something nice like a duck. 918 00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:36,200 - A duck. - Or a, you know, Eggs Benedict, or some sort of friendly, 919 00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:40,080 - like a friendly thing. - Yes, like a hamster or guinea pig or something. - Yeah. 920 00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:42,200 - That's true. A furry bearing. - Yes. 921 00:42:42,200 --> 00:42:46,160 Anyway, the famous duck house didn't cost the taxpayer a penny. 922 00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:49,160 And with that last tilt at our old friend General Ignorance, 923 00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:51,480 we reach the end of tonight's performance, 924 00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:54,480 and I can tell you that it is incredibly exciting. 925 00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:58,680 We have leaders, two leaders, with plus three, Richard and Victoria. 926 00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:01,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 927 00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:02,280 Wowzer! 928 00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:10,080 In third place, with minus seven, Alan Davies. 929 00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:12,560 Highly commendable, highly commendable. 930 00:43:12,560 --> 00:43:16,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 931 00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:19,000 And with a fantastic minus 24 is Sue Perkins. 932 00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:21,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 933 00:43:21,760 --> 00:43:22,920 Well... 934 00:43:26,520 --> 00:43:29,880 And it only remains for me to thank my panellists, 935 00:43:29,880 --> 00:43:31,600 Victoria, Sue, Richard and Alan. 936 00:43:31,600 --> 00:43:33,400 Thank you and good night! 937 00:43:58,560 --> 00:44:00,600 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd