1 00:00:24,660 --> 00:00:26,820 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,740 --> 00:00:36,580 Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello! 3 00:00:36,580 --> 00:00:38,580 Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel. 4 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:42,460 "Hell is empty, all the devils are here," to quote Shakespeare. 5 00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:45,260 Welcome to the QI Christmas Show, otherwise known as 6 00:00:45,260 --> 00:00:48,540 "The Feast of Stephen". Let's meet our merry players. 7 00:00:48,540 --> 00:00:50,460 Miss Scarlett - Jo Brand! 8 00:00:50,460 --> 00:00:52,340 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:54,420 --> 00:00:57,260 Colonel Mustard - Phill Jupitus! 10 00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:04,780 Mrs Brown - Brendan O'Carroll! 11 00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:13,060 And the lead piping in the bathroom - Alan Davies! 12 00:01:19,460 --> 00:01:22,020 And the buzzers are adorable. Jo goes... 13 00:01:22,020 --> 00:01:25,500 WOMEN SING "O COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL" 14 00:01:25,500 --> 00:01:27,620 Brendan goes... 15 00:01:27,620 --> 00:01:30,700 MEN SING "O COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL" 16 00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:32,580 Phill goes... 17 00:01:32,580 --> 00:01:36,620 MEN AND WOMEN SING "O COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL" 18 00:01:36,620 --> 00:01:38,500 And Alan goes... 19 00:01:38,500 --> 00:01:41,020 MEN AND WOMEN SING "RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER" 20 00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:43,220 LAUGHTER 21 00:01:43,220 --> 00:01:46,780 Thank you, Alan. And so, to our first question. 22 00:01:46,780 --> 00:01:49,780 Ooh, you've been given a truly horrible sweater for Christmas. 23 00:01:51,020 --> 00:01:52,940 Oh, sorry, that's the question. 24 00:01:52,940 --> 00:01:55,180 What's the best way to get rid of it? 25 00:01:55,180 --> 00:01:59,220 Some comedic unravelling that they used to always do in films 26 00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:02,500 when I was little, on the telly, and you never see that any more. 27 00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,780 It's always someone getting a thing and... 28 00:02:04,780 --> 00:02:06,500 STEPHEN MAKES UNRAVELLING NOISE 29 00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:10,300 - That definitely would do it. - Tom and Jerry. - That would do it. 30 00:02:10,300 --> 00:02:11,620 Any other thoughts? 31 00:02:11,620 --> 00:02:13,900 Well, you can get in touch with the people at CERN, 32 00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:16,980 - who have been working on the Higgs boson. - Yeah. 33 00:02:16,980 --> 00:02:19,060 Which I'm fairly sure will lead to time travel. 34 00:02:19,060 --> 00:02:21,380 And then you can turn them back into sheep. 35 00:02:23,780 --> 00:02:27,060 - Reversing time is a very good idea, that would do. - It's complex. 36 00:02:27,060 --> 00:02:29,940 - What would you do? - Just say "Thank you very much" and burn it. 37 00:02:29,940 --> 00:02:31,900 LAUGHTER 38 00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:34,260 Ever the practical, positive solution. 39 00:02:34,260 --> 00:02:37,740 I'd do the same, I'd set fire to it, but I'd make sure my 40 00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,100 least favourite relative was trying it on at the time. 41 00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:44,980 You could give it to charity. 42 00:02:44,980 --> 00:02:48,380 There was a lady who lived on our road who used to donate three, 43 00:02:48,380 --> 00:02:52,460 four shirts a week to charity, and then she'd go back and buy them back 44 00:02:52,460 --> 00:02:56,700 for 50p each, because it was cheaper than leaving them into the cleaner's. 45 00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:00,020 That's brilliant. 46 00:03:00,020 --> 00:03:01,140 Well, the funny thing is, 47 00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:04,220 between you you've oddly got near the truth of it. 48 00:03:04,220 --> 00:03:06,740 Unravel it whilst travelling through time? 49 00:03:06,740 --> 00:03:07,820 LAUGHTER 50 00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:10,100 You sort of do the effect of travelling through time, 51 00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:12,740 if you take a sweater on a journey back through time, 52 00:03:12,740 --> 00:03:15,180 eventually it becomes a ball of wool. 53 00:03:15,180 --> 00:03:18,940 Is there a machine that can take a pullover 54 00:03:18,940 --> 00:03:22,700 and unravel it back into its constituent woollen parts? 55 00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:26,780 - Or a scarf, for example. - Why would you make such a thing? - Why indeed! 56 00:03:26,780 --> 00:03:30,220 The only person on the planet we know who has done it... 57 00:03:30,220 --> 00:03:32,340 Imogen Hedges, ladies and gentlemen! 58 00:03:32,340 --> 00:03:34,340 APPLAUSE 59 00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:41,340 Lovely to see you. Now, to explain ourselves, you're a student at...? 60 00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:43,020 Kingston, I just graduated. 61 00:03:43,020 --> 00:03:46,620 And one of your projects was an un-knitting machine. 62 00:03:47,700 --> 00:03:50,060 - And this is something you built yourself? - Yeah. 63 00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:52,260 She's fantastic, what a mind. 64 00:03:52,260 --> 00:03:54,420 Most people think, "I'll try and make something," 65 00:03:54,420 --> 00:03:56,340 but to unmake something, to go back in time... 66 00:03:56,340 --> 00:03:58,700 So could you take, say, Alan's scarf, 67 00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:00,260 and return it to a ball of wool? 68 00:04:00,260 --> 00:04:02,860 - Yep. - Seriously? - Yep. - Oh, charming. 69 00:04:05,540 --> 00:04:08,700 - And once you've un-knitted it, can you knit it again? - Yeah. 70 00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:12,260 She can do anything! Can we see your machine? 71 00:04:12,260 --> 00:04:14,620 There it is, and I believe that's your brother there. 72 00:04:14,620 --> 00:04:17,340 Tristan, give us a wave! Hello, Tristan. 73 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:19,780 - And he's going to be operating. It's pedal-powered? - Yes. 74 00:04:19,780 --> 00:04:22,540 - PHILL: - Do they not have electricity in Kingston? 75 00:04:24,660 --> 00:04:26,740 Has the recession bitten that hard? 76 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:30,740 It's like a wind-up radio, it's for use around the world. 77 00:04:30,740 --> 00:04:34,100 Can I ask a question? Has Tristan got a girlfriend? 78 00:04:36,380 --> 00:04:40,740 - He is quite... - He's very cute, isn't he? - One would, one feels. 79 00:04:40,740 --> 00:04:42,460 LAUGHTER 80 00:04:44,140 --> 00:04:47,460 He's going to pedal fast now, I tell you that! 81 00:04:48,460 --> 00:04:50,780 ALAN IMITATES TRISTAN PEDALLING FRANTICALLY 82 00:04:50,780 --> 00:04:54,380 Stop it, stop it, stop it at once! 83 00:04:54,380 --> 00:04:56,740 ..across the studio! 84 00:04:59,860 --> 00:05:01,340 Stop it, stop it. 85 00:05:01,340 --> 00:05:03,420 Imogen, thanks very much, take the scarf away 86 00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:05,140 and we'll be looking in on you. 87 00:05:08,580 --> 00:05:13,420 - Oh, dear. - I just hate it when you two get all Christmassy like that. 88 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,340 We'll be looking in on her from time to time. 89 00:05:17,340 --> 00:05:19,580 Now, we're all loyal servants of Her Majesty here. 90 00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:23,100 What do you think the Queen's going to give you for Christmas this year? 91 00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:26,340 A message. 92 00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:28,860 She will certainly be giving us all a message, that's true. 93 00:05:28,860 --> 00:05:32,020 That not a klaxon? I felt certain that would be a klaxon. 94 00:05:32,020 --> 00:05:35,020 For years it's actually been a robot. 95 00:05:35,020 --> 00:05:39,140 She only gives things to people when they're 100. She gives Maundy money. 96 00:05:39,140 --> 00:05:42,980 She gives Maundy money on Maundy Thursday, well, her staff, which is 97 00:05:42,980 --> 00:05:47,260 obviously extensive, it used to be they could choose from a catalogue. 98 00:05:47,260 --> 00:05:48,540 Argos? 99 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:56,700 And with value between ?20 and ?25, according to length of service. 100 00:05:56,700 --> 00:06:01,980 That's a very small window! "26.99?" "Nope." 101 00:06:03,180 --> 00:06:05,260 - IMPERSONATES THE QUEEN: - "Too much." 102 00:06:05,260 --> 00:06:07,980 In 2006, it changed, they all get the same thing. 103 00:06:07,980 --> 00:06:10,380 These are her butlers and so on, 104 00:06:10,380 --> 00:06:13,980 obviously her family it's different, but this is if you're her servant. 105 00:06:13,980 --> 00:06:15,540 How many staff? 106 00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:19,260 - I don't have the number, but it's pretty enormous. - You don't know?! 107 00:06:19,260 --> 00:06:23,740 - I'm sorry, I have failed you, Brendan, on the first fence. - Sake. 108 00:06:23,740 --> 00:06:26,460 I thought you would know every light bulb in the place. 109 00:06:26,460 --> 00:06:28,580 - I'll just say a number and you'll believe me. - Yes. 110 00:06:28,580 --> 00:06:31,820 There are over 4,000 light bulbs in the palace, I can tell you that. 111 00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:34,060 My God. That's some bill. 112 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,380 Have you not met the Queen yet? 113 00:06:35,380 --> 00:06:39,660 Yes, she nudged me once, quite hard in the ribs. 114 00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:41,980 It was quite funny. 115 00:06:41,980 --> 00:06:45,700 At her son's wedding, to Camilla, at Windsor Castle, 116 00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:50,260 and she made this very funny speech, she stood on the table. 117 00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:55,180 - She got on a table? - Yeah, she stood on a chair, got on the table... 118 00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:57,820 Then she made a very funny speech and got down, 119 00:06:57,820 --> 00:07:00,140 and I was chatting to someone and got this rib, 120 00:07:00,140 --> 00:07:02,860 "Isn't anybody going to give me cake?" 121 00:07:02,860 --> 00:07:04,460 LAUGHTER 122 00:07:07,420 --> 00:07:09,860 So I said, "Of course, ma'am, I'll get you some cake." 123 00:07:09,860 --> 00:07:12,060 This must be a dream, you dreamed all of it! 124 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,220 I know it sounds mad, but it's absolutely true. 125 00:07:15,220 --> 00:07:17,300 "I'm going outside for a fag! Come on, Fry." 126 00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:19,140 That was in the days I smoked, and I'm afraid 127 00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:21,780 I was caught by a photographer in the buttresses of Windsor. 128 00:07:21,780 --> 00:07:23,260 Buttresses?! 129 00:07:24,460 --> 00:07:26,820 In my big top hat and everything, smoking a cigarette. 130 00:07:26,820 --> 00:07:28,500 Coming out the top of your hat. 131 00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:31,460 You can take your woolly hats off now, if you're getting hot. 132 00:07:31,460 --> 00:07:35,260 THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER 133 00:07:35,260 --> 00:07:37,580 - Shall I pop it under? - Or you can keep it on. 134 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:43,020 Let's see how Imogen's getting on, shall we? 135 00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:45,620 Imogen, have you started your machine? 136 00:07:45,620 --> 00:07:48,380 There it is, and there's Tristan pedalling away. 137 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:50,580 BRENDAN: Yes, indeed! 138 00:07:50,580 --> 00:07:54,180 - LAUGHTER - He's looking so shy now, I feel terrible. 139 00:07:54,180 --> 00:07:58,500 That is absolutely amazing, it is unravelling before our eyes. 140 00:07:58,500 --> 00:07:59,820 Brilliant. 141 00:07:59,820 --> 00:08:01,380 APPLAUSE 142 00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:07,980 Wow. 143 00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:12,260 I think they would have got it done ages ago 144 00:08:12,260 --> 00:08:14,340 if Tristan wasn't quite so relaxed. 145 00:08:16,140 --> 00:08:20,260 Whoa-oh-oh - no, no! 146 00:08:20,260 --> 00:08:22,860 Jo Brand... 147 00:08:22,860 --> 00:08:25,900 Oh, the humanity! 148 00:08:27,260 --> 00:08:30,180 You deliberately spilled boiling water on his trousers 149 00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:32,580 so you can mop them down. 150 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,660 You wicked, wicked woman! 151 00:08:34,660 --> 00:08:37,660 As soon as they go off screen, Imogen is going to beat him! 152 00:08:39,020 --> 00:08:43,220 Is Tristan wearing corduroys so the heat generated by the whiff-whiff... 153 00:08:43,220 --> 00:08:44,860 LAUGHTER 154 00:08:44,860 --> 00:08:46,780 ..is powering the kettle? 155 00:08:48,020 --> 00:08:50,740 We've embarrassed the brother and sister team almost to death. 156 00:08:50,740 --> 00:08:53,060 - Sorry, Imogen. - If he gets snagged up in that 157 00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:55,580 he might get unravelled himself. 158 00:08:55,580 --> 00:08:58,420 A full human being being unravelled. 159 00:08:58,420 --> 00:09:03,380 - I'm going to build one of those for next Christmas. - You should! 160 00:09:03,380 --> 00:09:05,220 Thank you very much, Imogen and Tristan. 161 00:09:05,220 --> 00:09:08,620 Sorry about that, we'll let you replace it. 162 00:09:08,620 --> 00:09:10,740 Let's go back to Her Maj. 163 00:09:10,740 --> 00:09:13,860 Now the fact is, if you work for the Queen nowadays you all get 164 00:09:13,860 --> 00:09:16,820 the same present, instead of being able to choose from the catalogue. 165 00:09:16,820 --> 00:09:18,580 We've done a little montage of them. 166 00:09:18,580 --> 00:09:20,500 Bottle of bubbly, silver plate. 167 00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:25,420 2008 reflected the mood of financial restraint, which was coasters, 168 00:09:25,420 --> 00:09:29,740 and in 2012, Jubilee year, a special themed trinket box. 169 00:09:29,740 --> 00:09:31,140 You all get the same thing, 170 00:09:31,140 --> 00:09:34,300 monogrammed...cigar box or whatever it was. 171 00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:36,020 You can't expect the woman to go down 172 00:09:36,020 --> 00:09:37,540 the high street shopping, can you? 173 00:09:37,540 --> 00:09:41,140 No, especially not if she's in one of her cake frenzies. 174 00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:48,340 "CAKE! Cake! I want cake!" 175 00:09:48,340 --> 00:09:50,980 Have to pull her away from Greggs. 176 00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:53,700 - Oh! - It takes three equerries. 177 00:09:55,540 --> 00:09:59,180 Or are they eclairs, is that a cake? I dunno! 178 00:10:00,860 --> 00:10:04,460 Aaanyway. Which of these looks most like Jesus? 179 00:10:08,460 --> 00:10:11,900 - I'd say the toast has to be the best. - The toast is certainly... 180 00:10:11,900 --> 00:10:14,220 Well, we bow down, yes? 181 00:10:14,220 --> 00:10:16,340 - Any other thoughts? - They look a bit westernised. 182 00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:20,100 As far as the Bible, he was a Jew obviously, 183 00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:23,740 and that on the right is what's known as a forensic reconstruction. 184 00:10:23,740 --> 00:10:25,780 Is there any truth to... 185 00:10:25,780 --> 00:10:29,380 it could be a myth, but you can tell Jewish people 186 00:10:29,380 --> 00:10:31,860 because their ear lobes are higher than their nose? 187 00:10:31,860 --> 00:10:33,860 Well, I'm Jewish, my mother's fully Jewish, 188 00:10:33,860 --> 00:10:36,700 so that makes me fully Jewish. Is my ear lobe higher than my nose? 189 00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:38,820 It's very hard to tell with your nose. 190 00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:42,700 Well, as my grandfather used to say, and he was Jewish... 191 00:10:42,700 --> 00:10:46,180 - YIDDISH ACCENT: - "You know why we have big noses? Air is free!" 192 00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:53,060 How many specifically are we looking for? 193 00:10:53,060 --> 00:10:56,660 It's basically images of Jesus, it's extraordinary difficult 194 00:10:56,660 --> 00:10:59,500 to know, the Bible doesn't furnish us with any description of him. 195 00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:02,500 We just know he was a Jewish man who lived at a particular time. 196 00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:06,580 And that's the best that forensic people can do, given that's 197 00:11:06,580 --> 00:11:09,020 the sort of average... 198 00:11:09,020 --> 00:11:15,660 But one very Christmassy person we DO know more the features of, 199 00:11:15,660 --> 00:11:19,180 because unlike Jesus we have the skull - who is that? 200 00:11:19,180 --> 00:11:20,340 - Santa. - St Nicholas. 201 00:11:20,340 --> 00:11:23,380 St Nicholas, and what can you tell me about the real-life St Nicholas? 202 00:11:23,380 --> 00:11:26,340 - There was about three of them. - Right. 203 00:11:26,340 --> 00:11:31,620 One was Roman, and he used to throw coins in the windows of poor people. 204 00:11:31,620 --> 00:11:34,220 One was Russian, I think. 205 00:11:34,220 --> 00:11:38,540 And he would collect fire wood and carve things out of it 206 00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:41,460 and leave them around the village for children. 207 00:11:41,460 --> 00:11:44,500 And then there's the most famous one of all, of course, 208 00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:45,820 the Coca-Cola Santa. 209 00:11:47,980 --> 00:11:52,860 Well, the canonical St Nicholas was actually from Lycia 210 00:11:52,860 --> 00:11:56,500 - L-Y-C-I-A - which is actually part of Asia Minor, which is now... 211 00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:58,020 - Iran. - No. 212 00:11:58,020 --> 00:12:01,380 - Asia Minor is...Turkey. - Close. 213 00:12:01,380 --> 00:12:02,620 LAUGHTER 214 00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:05,660 That St Nicholas there, who was the bloke before then? 215 00:12:05,660 --> 00:12:08,140 The bloke before is the facial reconstruction on the 216 00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:09,700 - basis of the skull. - Right. 217 00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:13,740 He was a bishop, and the story is that he gave money to 218 00:12:13,740 --> 00:12:16,700 young girls, to daughters of people of his episcopacy... 219 00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:18,660 Did he work for the BBC? 220 00:12:18,660 --> 00:12:21,060 LAUGHTER 221 00:12:22,380 --> 00:12:24,220 APPLAUSE 222 00:12:26,740 --> 00:12:31,220 - He paid the parents of the girls in order to stop them... - I bet he did! 223 00:12:32,780 --> 00:12:35,020 ..in order to stop them becoming prostitutes, 224 00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:37,740 and he is therefore the patron saint of prostitutes. 225 00:12:37,740 --> 00:12:39,940 Hurrah! 226 00:12:39,940 --> 00:12:44,500 I'm pleased that there's a patron saint of tarts, I think it's good. 227 00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:47,500 Did he have a hairdresser with OCD though? 228 00:12:49,220 --> 00:12:50,980 Look at it. 229 00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:54,500 And also quite a thick, broken nose, which he could have got... 230 00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:58,580 people believe he fought with a heretic at Lycia. 231 00:12:58,580 --> 00:13:00,820 More likely did it coming down the chimney though. 232 00:13:02,780 --> 00:13:07,540 - Or being beaten up by the Emperor Diocletian. - What's his era? 233 00:13:07,540 --> 00:13:10,540 Mid-fourth century, I think, AD. 234 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,740 But when did Santa Claus become Santa Claus? 235 00:13:12,740 --> 00:13:15,460 Well, the idea that he was the patron saint of children caught on 236 00:13:15,460 --> 00:13:18,300 and he became the patron saint of sailors, children and prostitutes. 237 00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:20,740 LAUGHTER 238 00:13:20,740 --> 00:13:25,700 - That's a good group, that's a good group. - It's a good portfolio. 239 00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:30,380 Sailors and prostitutes is a very difficult combination! 240 00:13:30,380 --> 00:13:33,660 I just love the idea that he's the patron saint of prostitutes, 241 00:13:33,660 --> 00:13:37,540 and then a child goes, "I love you, Santa." "Shut up, baby, I know it!" 242 00:13:39,940 --> 00:13:42,140 "I never, ever kiss..." 243 00:13:43,940 --> 00:13:45,860 He's, he's, he's... 244 00:13:45,860 --> 00:13:48,100 He was, erm, by the Dutch... 245 00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:50,020 LAUGHTER 246 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:58,100 The Dutch call him "Sinterklaas", but where does the modern depiction 247 00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:01,820 of Father Christmas with the red and white and the beard come from? 248 00:14:01,820 --> 00:14:05,860 Ah, this is where I could get my first screen. Coca-Cola. 249 00:14:05,860 --> 00:14:09,580 - Mmmm, you're not getting a klaxon... - Ugh. 250 00:14:09,580 --> 00:14:12,540 ..because it was certainly reinforced by Coca-Cola in the 1930s, 251 00:14:12,540 --> 00:14:16,340 but there are plenty of images from the 1890s of Father Christmas in 252 00:14:16,340 --> 00:14:18,580 red and white with a white beard. 253 00:14:18,580 --> 00:14:20,620 Santa rewards good little boys and girls, 254 00:14:20,620 --> 00:14:23,100 but what happens to the bad ones? 255 00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:27,660 There is a culture not far from us where they really go 256 00:14:27,660 --> 00:14:31,740 a long way towards celebrating this anti-Father Christmas. 257 00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,700 Waterboarded. 258 00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:40,820 "I shall waterboard all the bad children." 259 00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:45,180 This is surprisingly close to waterboarding, what they do. 260 00:14:45,180 --> 00:14:47,300 PHILL LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY 261 00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:54,140 - Snowboarding! - Snowboarding would be OK. - Do they not drown them? 262 00:14:54,140 --> 00:14:57,100 We're talking about Germany. No, they don't actually drown them! 263 00:14:57,100 --> 00:15:00,700 But their threats are pretty medieval. 264 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:03,380 There he is. Does anybody know the name of this character? 265 00:15:03,380 --> 00:15:09,300 Several names, but...in German he's mostly known as "Krampus". 266 00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:10,580 I don't know who he is, 267 00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:14,300 but with a tongue like that he's not the patron saint of prostitutes. 268 00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:18,220 He's also known as "Schmutzli", and Santa gives good gifts to 269 00:15:18,220 --> 00:15:22,500 children, Krampus punishes naughty ones, include pulling hair. 270 00:15:23,540 --> 00:15:29,220 - It's not that bad, is it? - Swatting with chains. - Quite bad. 271 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:30,620 Pulling hair, swat with chains. 272 00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:32,340 Leading naughty children off a cliff. 273 00:15:34,460 --> 00:15:36,620 He'd obviously have to be able to fly to be able to 274 00:15:36,620 --> 00:15:38,940 - get back and do it again. - I think I went to that school. 275 00:15:38,940 --> 00:15:40,100 LAUGHTER 276 00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:42,620 Putting them in a sack and taking them to his fiery lair, 277 00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:45,860 which sort of explains why German children are so well behaved. 278 00:15:45,860 --> 00:15:50,420 - You like fiery lairs? - That can be fun. Mammy used to say. 279 00:15:50,420 --> 00:15:54,860 - When is this practised? - Christmas Eve? - No. 280 00:15:54,860 --> 00:15:59,620 - Is it on their birthdays, for extra irony? - No, it's December the 5th. 281 00:15:59,620 --> 00:16:03,380 The 5th is when Schmutzli or Krampus... 282 00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:05,420 And there's the kind of figure he presents, 283 00:16:05,420 --> 00:16:07,180 and they terrify children. 284 00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:11,140 They run down with whips and threaten children and glare at them. 285 00:16:11,140 --> 00:16:13,700 It is a peculiar way to treat children at Christmas time, 286 00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:16,540 but I suppose it has produced a nation of extremely efficient 287 00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:18,900 and obedient citizens who now rule Europe, so... 288 00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:20,420 LAUGHTER 289 00:16:20,420 --> 00:16:22,180 ..maybe we've been missing something. 290 00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:24,020 Now why is Santa off the Rich List? 291 00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:28,300 LAUGHTER 292 00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:36,300 - Aww. Poor Santa. - Cutbacks? Austerity drive? - Only works one day a year. 293 00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:40,220 He used to be on the Rich List until 2006. 294 00:16:40,220 --> 00:16:44,140 Forbes Magazine famously invented the idea of a Rich List. 295 00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:45,860 MEN SING "O COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL" 296 00:16:45,860 --> 00:16:48,500 - Yes, young Brendan? - Is it because... 297 00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:52,220 (..he may not be real?) 298 00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:53,580 STEPHEN GASPS 299 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,060 ALARM RINGS 300 00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:57,940 APPLAUSE 301 00:16:57,940 --> 00:16:59,500 Yes! 302 00:17:05,020 --> 00:17:08,060 Thank you! Thank you. 303 00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:09,700 Oh, poor Phill. 304 00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:14,380 LAUGHTER 305 00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:17,900 Phill, that got a klaxon, so that can't be right. 306 00:17:19,380 --> 00:17:21,700 Don't worry, back you go. 307 00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:27,340 APPLAUSE 308 00:17:27,340 --> 00:17:29,100 Poor little soul. 309 00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:36,420 Forbes Magazine genuinely publishes a fictional Rich List, 310 00:17:36,420 --> 00:17:38,580 and Santa Claus used to be on it 311 00:17:38,580 --> 00:17:40,860 because they reckon he must be infinitely rich, 312 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:43,860 because he is able to distribute presents every year to 313 00:17:43,860 --> 00:17:46,140 all the children of the world, they said. 314 00:17:46,140 --> 00:17:51,940 - I don't believe he does. - Richie Rich. - Scrooge, I guess, on the left. 315 00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:55,860 - Father Christmas himself. - The late Bernard Manning on the right. 316 00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:57,980 LAUGHTER 317 00:17:57,980 --> 00:17:59,820 Can you name - I've got the top five - 318 00:17:59,820 --> 00:18:01,900 name any that you imagine might be on the list? 319 00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:06,700 - Real people or imaginary? - Fictional, that's the point. - Scrooge McDuck. 320 00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:08,300 No, but his great rival. 321 00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:10,660 If you can remember his name you'll get lots of points. 322 00:18:10,660 --> 00:18:15,380 - Tony Stark out of - Iron Man. Yes, is number five, absolutely right! 323 00:18:15,380 --> 00:18:17,500 APPLAUSE 324 00:18:19,260 --> 00:18:20,700 Yes, 9.3 billion, apparently. 325 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,180 Number four's from a black and white TV show 326 00:18:23,180 --> 00:18:25,900 with a wonderful old banjo opening theme song. 327 00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:29,540 Oh, the Beverly Hillbillies, so Jethro Clampett. 328 00:18:29,540 --> 00:18:32,780 Jed Clampett, I'll give you the points for that. 329 00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:35,740 And they were worth 9.8 billion. 330 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,860 So at number three, Carlisle Cullen from the Twilight Saga, 331 00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:42,580 is worth 36.3 billion, apparently. 332 00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:44,140 Wow, dude. 333 00:18:44,140 --> 00:18:48,420 But number two is the enemy of Scrooge McDuck. 334 00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:51,260 BRENDAN MIMICS SCROOGE 335 00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:56,220 Good one. Flintheart Glomgold is his name. 336 00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:59,140 Flintheart Glomgold? 337 00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:02,940 And number one, played by Benedict Cumberbatch, 338 00:19:02,940 --> 00:19:07,980 the richest fictional creature in the world, human or... 339 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,100 They know in the audience. 340 00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:12,500 - AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Smaug! - Smaug. 341 00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:17,940 Smaug the dragon in The Hobbit, 62 billion worth of gold he 342 00:19:17,940 --> 00:19:20,020 sits upon, until of course - well, I'm not 343 00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:22,620 going to tell you the ending. Cos I happen to be in it. 344 00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:24,580 But why's Santa taken off? Cos surely he must 345 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,780 be really rich to be able to give everyone a present. 346 00:19:26,780 --> 00:19:30,420 - It's a very simple reason. - Tax evasion. - Not tax evasion! 347 00:19:31,940 --> 00:19:33,260 The usual answer. 348 00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:37,700 It's because it's a fictional list, and Santa is real. 349 00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:40,660 ALL: Awww! 350 00:19:40,660 --> 00:19:43,140 So there you go. Good result, Santa. 351 00:19:47,260 --> 00:19:50,220 Let's see how Imogen's going. 352 00:19:50,220 --> 00:19:55,380 Oh, you've spooled it back up, he's turning slowly... 353 00:19:55,380 --> 00:19:57,380 BRENDAN: Oh, he's doing two tasks now. 354 00:19:58,460 --> 00:20:00,580 He's growing it back into a ball, 355 00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:04,300 it actually doesn't just unravel it, it balls it up as well! 356 00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:05,820 "Balls it up." Sorry. 357 00:20:05,820 --> 00:20:07,420 LAUGHTER 358 00:20:07,420 --> 00:20:10,540 Beautifully! Look at how cunning that little thing is. 359 00:20:10,540 --> 00:20:13,580 - The little shuttley... - He's called Tristan, Steve. 360 00:20:19,180 --> 00:20:21,700 APPLAUSE 361 00:20:23,140 --> 00:20:26,500 Imogen, what do you call that unit that winds it up? 362 00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:27,820 Her brother. 363 00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:33,500 - Did you design the way that it moves like that? - The little tiny thing? 364 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,260 - Yeah. - That's from eBay. 365 00:20:35,260 --> 00:20:37,140 LAUGHTER 366 00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:45,260 I think British industry in the future has nothing to fear. 367 00:20:45,260 --> 00:20:48,180 We're going to win over the world. Congratulations, we'll come back 368 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:50,740 to you when that ball of wool is complete. That's brilliant. 369 00:20:50,740 --> 00:20:52,900 Now, how can a Christmas tree get you into trouble? 370 00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,740 Grass you up. 371 00:20:57,940 --> 00:21:01,980 - Very good. - Falling needles, and their disposal. 372 00:21:01,980 --> 00:21:06,460 Drying out and the chances of fire. 373 00:21:06,460 --> 00:21:09,980 Falling over and giving an elderly relative brain damage. 374 00:21:12,660 --> 00:21:16,340 We're talking about the once-beloved institution, 375 00:21:16,340 --> 00:21:20,220 the giant, magnificent cultural gift to the world that is the BBC. 376 00:21:20,220 --> 00:21:21,380 Oh. 377 00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:24,780 And the BBC now, of course, is so open that you can literally 378 00:21:24,780 --> 00:21:27,820 look up everyone who works for it and see how much their salary is. 379 00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:32,980 In the old days they all had a personnel file, and there was 380 00:21:32,980 --> 00:21:37,380 a figure from another institution, far more sinister even than the BBC. 381 00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:40,500 - Broadmoor. - Not Broadmoor! 382 00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:42,260 MI5 is the right answer, 383 00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:45,340 and if they thought anyone who worked for the BBC was... 384 00:21:45,340 --> 00:21:50,460 - Gay. - Communist. - ..dodgy... - They would ask them to join immediately! 385 00:21:53,460 --> 00:21:56,940 There would be a symbol put onto their personnel file which 386 00:21:56,940 --> 00:21:59,700 resembled a Christmas tree. 387 00:21:59,700 --> 00:22:04,380 - Like that. - Oh. - Oh, no(!) 388 00:22:04,380 --> 00:22:07,020 The reason people thought it might be a Christmas tree was... 389 00:22:07,020 --> 00:22:09,420 Do you know what the German for Christmas tree is? 390 00:22:09,420 --> 00:22:12,260 - "Tannenbaum." - Do you know the tune of the song? 391 00:22:12,260 --> 00:22:15,020 # O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum... # 392 00:22:15,020 --> 00:22:18,140 SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH 393 00:22:18,140 --> 00:22:21,500 Exactly. Which is also the tune to? 394 00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:24,780 # Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer 395 00:22:24,780 --> 00:22:28,260 # We'll keep the red flag flying here. # 396 00:22:28,260 --> 00:22:29,980 The Red Flag. 397 00:22:29,980 --> 00:22:35,140 - "Power to the people!" - Can I just do my version of the Red Flag? 398 00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:38,180 # Neil Kinnock's hair is deepest red 399 00:22:38,180 --> 00:22:41,180 # Though most of it's not on his head. # 400 00:22:43,540 --> 00:22:45,020 APPLAUSE 401 00:22:49,100 --> 00:22:54,420 It isn't actually the reason that it's the Tannenbaum, Red Flag. 402 00:22:54,420 --> 00:22:56,620 People thought it looked like a Christmas tree, 403 00:22:56,620 --> 00:22:58,540 called it the Christmas tree, 404 00:22:58,540 --> 00:23:02,180 but the two arrows actually just mean "Refer upstairs". 405 00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:03,660 So if anyone was thought to... 406 00:23:03,660 --> 00:23:06,220 For promotion, you saw their personnel file, 407 00:23:06,220 --> 00:23:10,100 you'd have to go up to a senior person and say... 408 00:23:10,100 --> 00:23:15,140 - I'm up for promotion. - Anna Ford had one of those on her, the newsreader. 409 00:23:15,140 --> 00:23:19,020 It was because she'd once had as a boyfriend a Communist, 410 00:23:19,020 --> 00:23:20,620 which, Jesus, in a free society... 411 00:23:20,620 --> 00:23:22,820 And they allowed her on the television? 412 00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:24,180 I know. There you go. 413 00:23:24,180 --> 00:23:26,820 The BBC used Christmas trees to keep lefties off the telly. 414 00:23:26,820 --> 00:23:32,020 The practice stopped in 1985 and, sure enough, they're everywhere! 415 00:23:32,020 --> 00:23:33,340 Now, historic moment. 416 00:23:33,340 --> 00:23:35,860 BAAS LIKE COLONEL MELCHETT 417 00:23:37,540 --> 00:23:43,260 - What's Baldrick brought for me this Christmas? - Right, bought for you... 418 00:23:43,260 --> 00:23:46,580 - Melchett? Are we Melching? - Well, it's for me. 419 00:23:46,580 --> 00:23:49,820 - It's for you. - And who is that there on the screen? 420 00:23:49,820 --> 00:23:52,220 - Tony Robinson. - Tony Robinson. 421 00:23:52,220 --> 00:23:56,300 And there is a Tony Robinson, Baldrick, who's about to come on. 422 00:23:56,300 --> 00:23:58,380 But in the First World War, as you probably know 423 00:23:58,380 --> 00:24:02,220 and we've covered before, there was a Christmas football truce. 424 00:24:03,420 --> 00:24:09,740 But what happened later, in 1915, was that, because football had been 425 00:24:09,740 --> 00:24:13,820 banned on Christmas Day, a soldier smuggled into the trench a football. 426 00:24:13,820 --> 00:24:17,220 It was deflated, so that no-one would spot it, 427 00:24:17,220 --> 00:24:20,260 and then he blew it up before the Battle of Loos. 428 00:24:20,260 --> 00:24:21,540 And in the morning, 429 00:24:21,540 --> 00:24:24,700 when the whistle blew to commence the offensive, 430 00:24:24,700 --> 00:24:27,460 he threw it out of the trench, shouting, 431 00:24:27,460 --> 00:24:31,820 "Play up, London Irish!", cos he was from the London Irish regiment, 432 00:24:31,820 --> 00:24:35,100 - which I'm sure you'll be aware of. - I am. Great regiment. 433 00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:39,940 And they found the football when they got to the German trench, 434 00:24:39,940 --> 00:24:41,820 they kept it, and it 435 00:24:41,820 --> 00:24:45,180 so happens that a member of that London Irish happens to be 436 00:24:45,180 --> 00:24:47,900 called Tony Robinson, is therefore always called 437 00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:53,700 Baldrick by his fellow...and he has brought that football along today. 438 00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:54,740 APPLAUSE 439 00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:01,380 SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE 440 00:25:06,300 --> 00:25:08,180 Do your flies up, man. 441 00:25:11,980 --> 00:25:15,260 Oh, Christmas came early for Stephen! 442 00:25:15,260 --> 00:25:20,060 Darling, take that man's name. And address. 443 00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:23,420 - This really is, Tony, the football. - It is, indeed, it's the football. 444 00:25:23,420 --> 00:25:24,620 And where is it kept? 445 00:25:24,620 --> 00:25:27,380 It's kept in the museum, which is now down in Camberwell, 446 00:25:27,380 --> 00:25:28,780 at the London Irish Rifles. 447 00:25:28,780 --> 00:25:31,180 Is it the London Irish Regiment or the London Regiment? 448 00:25:31,180 --> 00:25:34,340 We're D Company London Irish Rifles of the London Regiment. 449 00:25:34,340 --> 00:25:35,780 Right, D Company. 450 00:25:35,780 --> 00:25:40,700 And it's still an active regiment in the British Army, and we have 451 00:25:40,700 --> 00:25:43,060 some of your fellow soldiers over here, 452 00:25:43,060 --> 00:25:45,460 if you'd like to stand up. Here they are. 453 00:25:45,460 --> 00:25:47,140 APPLAUSE 454 00:25:50,740 --> 00:25:52,660 Fabulous to see you guys. 455 00:25:52,660 --> 00:25:57,500 They are all recently back from Helmand Province in Afghanistan 456 00:25:57,500 --> 00:25:58,900 and they're wearing combat uniform, 457 00:25:58,900 --> 00:26:01,700 but what's most noticeable is the, how do you say it, caubeen? 458 00:26:01,700 --> 00:26:05,100 Which you must NOT call a beret, I believe. 459 00:26:05,100 --> 00:26:10,060 And can any of you tell me what is distinctive about that particular 460 00:26:10,060 --> 00:26:14,660 piece of head joy, I shall call it, as opposed to other British...? 461 00:26:14,660 --> 00:26:17,620 - Pain in the arse in the cinema. - Well, yes. 462 00:26:17,620 --> 00:26:20,420 But this is different from other headwear. 463 00:26:20,420 --> 00:26:24,260 The people behind those lads are, like, "Oh, now they've stood up. 464 00:26:24,260 --> 00:26:27,260 "It was bad enough with the funny hat." 465 00:26:27,260 --> 00:26:31,540 - PHILL: - "Tell 'em. Tell 'em." "I'm not going to..." 466 00:26:31,540 --> 00:26:33,580 Are they worn on the opposite side to the others? 467 00:26:33,580 --> 00:26:35,700 It's the only one with the cap badge on the right. 468 00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:39,940 - This is a very historic year for Irish soldiers. - Tell me why. 469 00:26:39,940 --> 00:26:43,420 Well, last May, all Irish soldiers who deserted the Irish... 470 00:26:43,420 --> 00:26:46,460 - Oh, yes, have been... - I haven't finished! - Sorry! 471 00:26:54,980 --> 00:26:56,540 I'm so sorry, carry on. 472 00:26:56,540 --> 00:27:00,220 All soldiers who deserted the Irish Army in both the First World War 473 00:27:00,220 --> 00:27:02,540 and Second World War periods and joined the British Army 474 00:27:02,540 --> 00:27:06,060 to fight for the British Army were granted a pardon. 475 00:27:06,060 --> 00:27:08,980 - That is extraordinary, isn't it? - It's too late now, they're dead. 476 00:27:08,980 --> 00:27:11,300 Almost all of them are dead, but it was true, 477 00:27:11,300 --> 00:27:14,100 that if you were Irish and anti-Fascist, say, 478 00:27:14,100 --> 00:27:16,900 and you wanted to fight for the Allies against Germany, 479 00:27:16,900 --> 00:27:18,220 and so joined the British Army, 480 00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:21,740 it was considered by the Irish Government that you were a traitor. 481 00:27:21,740 --> 00:27:24,700 You got no pension, you couldn't work for the Government. 482 00:27:24,700 --> 00:27:26,860 - You could barely go home. - Yeah. 483 00:27:26,860 --> 00:27:28,140 There was a great cartoon, 484 00:27:28,140 --> 00:27:31,220 and it was two Irish guys fighting for the British Army, 485 00:27:31,220 --> 00:27:32,940 in the trenches, 486 00:27:32,940 --> 00:27:35,180 and de Valera was the President of Ireland at the time, 487 00:27:35,180 --> 00:27:37,700 and the two boys were there, ducking the bullets, and one said, 488 00:27:37,700 --> 00:27:39,940 "Well, fair play to de Valera, he kept us out of this." 489 00:27:40,860 --> 00:27:42,060 That's very good. 490 00:27:42,060 --> 00:27:45,660 So thank you very much and please sit down, members of D Company. 491 00:27:45,660 --> 00:27:47,540 Thank you so much. 492 00:27:49,940 --> 00:27:52,460 - Anyway, Baldrick. - Sir. 493 00:27:52,460 --> 00:27:54,500 I've never seen you looking better. 494 00:27:54,500 --> 00:27:59,260 Yet, you're still an absolute disaster of a human being. 495 00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:01,700 Thank you so much for bringing me lunch. 496 00:28:01,700 --> 00:28:05,300 - I'm not very hungry, you can take it away. - Thank you, sir. 497 00:28:05,300 --> 00:28:08,260 Thank you very much indeed. Wonderful. 498 00:28:10,820 --> 00:28:12,020 Tony Robinson. 499 00:28:15,340 --> 00:28:19,020 So, yep, that football you've just seen was kicked right across 500 00:28:19,020 --> 00:28:22,460 No-Man's Land by Rifleman Frank Edwards and the London Irish 501 00:28:22,460 --> 00:28:25,900 in 1915 and our thanks to Rifleman Tony "Baldrick" Robinson. 502 00:28:25,900 --> 00:28:28,340 So it's time for a Christmas drink, I think. 503 00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:32,340 So take a glass, each of you. There you go. 504 00:28:32,340 --> 00:28:34,540 And all I want to know from you 505 00:28:34,540 --> 00:28:38,420 is which ones you should use at Christmas. 506 00:28:38,420 --> 00:28:40,740 You've got a drink, you can pour out your drink. 507 00:28:40,740 --> 00:28:43,380 - HISSING - Holy moly... 508 00:28:43,380 --> 00:28:46,100 It's not about the capacity, it's about the shape. 509 00:28:46,100 --> 00:28:50,340 Can I just say, as an ex-nurse, that looks like someone with cystitis. 510 00:28:52,220 --> 00:28:54,620 Darling, have you got...? 511 00:28:54,620 --> 00:28:59,020 I think whereas I have had one Berocca too many. 512 00:29:00,540 --> 00:29:03,820 Suspiciously like Irn-Bru, actually, the colour, isn't it? Maybe... 513 00:29:03,820 --> 00:29:06,900 - Oh, it's like piss. - Oh, right. 514 00:29:06,900 --> 00:29:09,900 The issue is an Oxford psychologist who assists Heston Blumenthal, 515 00:29:09,900 --> 00:29:11,020 - in fact... - Oh-oh. 516 00:29:11,020 --> 00:29:13,900 ..has studied extensively the effect 517 00:29:13,900 --> 00:29:18,460 of one of our sense organs on food and drink. 518 00:29:18,460 --> 00:29:20,340 It's not the tongue. What do you think it is? 519 00:29:20,340 --> 00:29:23,700 - It's the feel, the feel. - No, not the feel. - Eyes. - The eyes. 520 00:29:23,700 --> 00:29:25,620 So much more of our mental processes... 521 00:29:25,620 --> 00:29:28,220 - We eat 80% with our eyes. - Exactly, goes with our eyes. 522 00:29:28,220 --> 00:29:31,660 And he has discovered remarkable things by observing people 523 00:29:31,660 --> 00:29:33,860 who don't know they're being watched, 524 00:29:33,860 --> 00:29:37,620 is that you drink more quickly out of a curved glass, 525 00:29:37,620 --> 00:29:39,620 cos you're not aware of how much there is. 526 00:29:39,620 --> 00:29:42,220 And also you drink more quickly with loud music playing. 527 00:29:42,220 --> 00:29:44,740 And you drink more quickly if you're an alcoholic. 528 00:29:44,740 --> 00:29:46,620 - And if you're an alcoholic. - LAUGHTER 529 00:29:46,620 --> 00:29:49,660 You don't care what shape the glass is. You drink from the bottle. 530 00:29:49,660 --> 00:29:52,700 I find you drink much more quickly if you've had three drinks already. 531 00:29:52,700 --> 00:29:54,380 LAUGHTER 532 00:29:54,380 --> 00:29:57,340 But there are also many other extraordinary things about colour 533 00:29:57,340 --> 00:30:01,140 and sight which influence food which are quite startling 534 00:30:01,140 --> 00:30:03,380 which this same professor has discovered, 535 00:30:03,380 --> 00:30:06,060 whose name is Charles Spence. 536 00:30:06,060 --> 00:30:08,980 Erm, the colour of a plate can affect the taste of food. 537 00:30:08,980 --> 00:30:10,780 So, if you, for example, have a 538 00:30:10,780 --> 00:30:14,220 strawberry mousse served on a white plate, it tastes more 539 00:30:14,220 --> 00:30:17,700 flavourful and sweeter than the same thing on a black plate. 540 00:30:17,700 --> 00:30:19,180 Nearly everything does. 541 00:30:19,180 --> 00:30:20,900 A chef prefers to serve on a white plate 542 00:30:20,900 --> 00:30:23,100 because it hails what you're going to taste. 543 00:30:23,100 --> 00:30:24,260 It somehow does, exactly. 544 00:30:24,260 --> 00:30:26,580 The restaurants have all got a bit weird lately. 545 00:30:26,580 --> 00:30:32,700 - I've had fruit served to me on planks... - Oh, yes. - On slate. 546 00:30:32,700 --> 00:30:36,980 - Slates and planks. - Please, wash the bird shit off it first. 547 00:30:36,980 --> 00:30:38,980 LAUGHTER 548 00:30:38,980 --> 00:30:40,740 That was the sauce. 549 00:30:40,740 --> 00:30:42,420 LAUGHTER 550 00:30:42,420 --> 00:30:45,220 It was Heston Blumenthal...a little squeeze of sparrow. 551 00:30:45,220 --> 00:30:47,500 LAUGHTER 552 00:30:47,500 --> 00:30:48,820 Blowtorch... 553 00:30:48,820 --> 00:30:51,260 I always put my mayonnaise through a pigeon before I... 554 00:30:51,260 --> 00:30:53,980 In the Jamie Oliver ones, they hang them on the wall 555 00:30:53,980 --> 00:30:55,620 and offer them for sale afterwards. 556 00:30:55,620 --> 00:30:57,340 - The pigeons? - No, the planks. 557 00:30:57,340 --> 00:30:59,140 LAUGHTER 558 00:30:59,140 --> 00:31:03,260 I think that's crap about stuff tasting worse off black plates. 559 00:31:03,260 --> 00:31:06,740 - It isn't. - I think it's racist towards plates. 560 00:31:06,740 --> 00:31:08,940 LAUGHTER 561 00:31:08,940 --> 00:31:10,980 Let's have a taste challenge. 562 00:31:10,980 --> 00:31:13,860 We will move on now, but there are various other things, 563 00:31:13,860 --> 00:31:16,980 for example, it is as you rightly said cortical real estate 564 00:31:16,980 --> 00:31:21,300 - taken up by visual is much, much more. - Did I say that? 565 00:31:21,300 --> 00:31:23,500 Well, you didn't say it quite like that. 566 00:31:23,500 --> 00:31:25,460 LAUGHTER 567 00:31:25,460 --> 00:31:28,540 Wine doesn't taste as nice in a mug. 568 00:31:28,540 --> 00:31:30,100 Wine, no, that's very true 569 00:31:30,100 --> 00:31:32,140 and I think tea doesn't taste good out of a... 570 00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:34,180 That's cos of the amount of air you take in. 571 00:31:34,180 --> 00:31:35,940 Yes, that's probably true, isn't it? 572 00:31:35,940 --> 00:31:38,380 - No, it IS true, Stephen. - Yes, no... 573 00:31:38,380 --> 00:31:40,660 LAUGHTER 574 00:31:40,660 --> 00:31:42,900 APPLAUSE 575 00:31:46,300 --> 00:31:48,380 It's the thinness of the glass. 576 00:31:48,380 --> 00:31:50,660 It's the amount of air you're taking as you sip. 577 00:31:50,660 --> 00:31:53,300 If you like tea, just make one cup in a glass 578 00:31:53,300 --> 00:31:56,900 and try the tea out of the glass. It is divine. 579 00:31:56,900 --> 00:31:59,380 My wife likes a thin mug. 580 00:31:59,380 --> 00:32:02,180 Well, that's your own business but I'm just saying... 581 00:32:02,180 --> 00:32:04,780 LAUGHTER 582 00:32:09,140 --> 00:32:12,700 LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH 583 00:32:17,260 --> 00:32:19,700 Who thought that Fry and Carroll would be a double act?! 584 00:32:19,700 --> 00:32:21,420 LAUGHTER 585 00:32:21,420 --> 00:32:23,660 That's why when they taste the wine they go... 586 00:32:23,660 --> 00:32:24,980 HE BREATHES THROUGH HIS TEETH 587 00:32:24,980 --> 00:32:27,220 - Yeah, that's right. - To maximise the air that gets in. 588 00:32:27,220 --> 00:32:28,780 OPERATIC VOICE SINGS FAINTLY 589 00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:30,060 - Is that your phone? - Yes. 590 00:32:30,060 --> 00:32:32,620 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 591 00:32:37,340 --> 00:32:38,780 It's Heston Blumenthal. 592 00:32:38,780 --> 00:32:40,340 LAUGHTER 593 00:32:40,340 --> 00:32:43,420 - Minus how many points, I'm wondering. - I'm so sorry. 594 00:32:43,420 --> 00:32:46,060 I didn't even know I had it on me. 595 00:32:46,060 --> 00:32:48,060 I'm very sorry. 596 00:32:48,060 --> 00:32:50,700 Anyway, now, let's test your beer goggles, as it were. 597 00:32:50,700 --> 00:32:53,220 We have a man in the audience who's going to hold up a picture 598 00:32:53,220 --> 00:32:55,540 and I want you to tell me who's that of. 599 00:32:55,540 --> 00:32:57,460 - Marilyn Monroe. - Marilyn Monroe, yeah. 600 00:32:57,460 --> 00:32:59,940 You can see the picture behind it there, Marilyn Monroe. 601 00:32:59,940 --> 00:33:02,700 Now, it's Sam. Sam, walk towards us, if you'd be kind enough. 602 00:33:02,700 --> 00:33:07,860 I don't think... I think it's supposed to look like her but I'm suspicious. 603 00:33:07,860 --> 00:33:09,740 Albert Einstein. 604 00:33:09,740 --> 00:33:12,380 - Albert Einstein. - Holy crap! 605 00:33:12,380 --> 00:33:16,060 - It is rather extraordinary, it's both. - They're related. - No. 606 00:33:16,060 --> 00:33:18,260 LAUGHTER 607 00:33:18,260 --> 00:33:20,660 Never in the same room, Brendan. 608 00:33:20,660 --> 00:33:22,580 They would be, would you... 609 00:33:22,580 --> 00:33:26,660 I think Marilyn Monroe did have quite a bad facial hair problem. 610 00:33:26,660 --> 00:33:29,060 LAUGHTER 611 00:33:29,060 --> 00:33:32,180 From a distance, the image does look like Marilyn Monroe because 612 00:33:32,180 --> 00:33:35,860 what they do is...it's created by the MIT, this illusion, 613 00:33:35,860 --> 00:33:39,140 the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, as I'm sure you know. 614 00:33:39,140 --> 00:33:41,980 - Thank you. - They remove Marilyn's fine-grained features 615 00:33:41,980 --> 00:33:44,140 like wrinkles and little blemishes 616 00:33:44,140 --> 00:33:46,780 and they remove Einstein's coarser features, 617 00:33:46,780 --> 00:33:50,340 like the shape of his mouth and nose and then they superimpose the two. 618 00:33:50,340 --> 00:33:54,060 And from a distance we see all the broader strokes and see her, 619 00:33:54,060 --> 00:33:58,660 Marilyn Monroe, and close up, we see the fine details of Albert Einstein. 620 00:33:58,660 --> 00:34:01,300 And we've done another version to show this really does work, 621 00:34:01,300 --> 00:34:04,820 it's not just Marilyn. Erm, who's that? 622 00:34:04,820 --> 00:34:09,420 - Handsome man...that's Stephen Fry, I know him well. - That's me, hooray. 623 00:34:09,420 --> 00:34:12,140 And if you come towards us, hello... 624 00:34:15,300 --> 00:34:17,900 It's Alan Davies. 625 00:34:17,900 --> 00:34:19,900 APPLAUSE 626 00:34:19,900 --> 00:34:21,460 How about that? 627 00:34:27,260 --> 00:34:29,340 That's fantastic, an extraordinary illusion. 628 00:34:29,340 --> 00:34:33,140 - I hope they've done two, so we can have one each in our bedrooms. - Yeah, I want one in my house. 629 00:34:33,140 --> 00:34:35,420 What distance do you want it, though? 630 00:34:35,420 --> 00:34:37,500 I want to be far away from it. 631 00:34:37,500 --> 00:34:39,980 LAUGHTER 632 00:34:39,980 --> 00:34:42,700 Toss you for it, erm... 633 00:34:42,700 --> 00:34:44,620 LAUGHTER 634 00:34:45,660 --> 00:34:47,700 Thank you very much indeed. 635 00:34:49,940 --> 00:34:51,980 APPLAUSE 636 00:34:55,380 --> 00:34:56,940 And thank you, Albert and Marilyn. 637 00:34:56,940 --> 00:34:59,540 So, the take home message tonight is don't trust your eyes, 638 00:34:59,540 --> 00:35:00,780 even when you're sober. 639 00:35:00,780 --> 00:35:03,140 In fact, you probably shouldn't really trust anything, 640 00:35:03,140 --> 00:35:05,740 because we've come to that bit we call general ignorance. 641 00:35:05,740 --> 00:35:08,900 Fingers on buzzers for very quick ones. What year was Jesus born? 642 00:35:08,900 --> 00:35:10,060 CHOIR SINGS 643 00:35:10,060 --> 00:35:13,900 - Yes, Brendan. - 5 BC. - Oooh, it's not the right answer. 644 00:35:13,900 --> 00:35:17,540 - Damn close, though. - Four. - No. - Three. - No... 645 00:35:17,540 --> 00:35:19,020 LAUGHTER 646 00:35:19,020 --> 00:35:20,500 - Two. - No. 647 00:35:20,500 --> 00:35:24,660 - Other direction, eight. - Six. - Yes. - Ah, come on. 648 00:35:24,660 --> 00:35:26,980 He was born six years before Christ. 649 00:35:26,980 --> 00:35:29,740 - Well done, Jesus. - How crazy is that? 650 00:35:29,740 --> 00:35:31,740 Now, how do we know? 651 00:35:31,740 --> 00:35:33,180 Somebody told us. 652 00:35:33,180 --> 00:35:34,420 LAUGHTER 653 00:35:34,420 --> 00:35:36,660 It's the only authority we could possibly have. 654 00:35:36,660 --> 00:35:39,620 - There's a book about him, come on. - It doesn't give the date, though. 655 00:35:39,620 --> 00:35:40,900 Doesn't it? 656 00:35:40,900 --> 00:35:43,620 It's been worked out by the only man we've ever been able to call, 657 00:35:43,620 --> 00:35:47,140 certainly for over 1,000 years, I think, Pope Emeritus. 658 00:35:47,140 --> 00:35:50,300 Who's he? Emeritus, what does Emeritus mean? 659 00:35:50,300 --> 00:35:53,100 - An ex-Pope. - An ex-Pope. Is there an ex-Pope in the world? 660 00:35:53,100 --> 00:35:55,660 - We've got one now. - We have, Benedict. 661 00:35:55,660 --> 00:35:58,060 They call him Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI. 662 00:35:59,420 --> 00:36:03,340 His Holiness wrote a book with the catchy title 663 00:36:03,340 --> 00:36:07,180 Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives. 664 00:36:07,180 --> 00:36:11,380 And the calculation made by Dionysius Exiguous, which is 665 00:36:11,380 --> 00:36:14,580 - basically Latin for Dennis The Small... - LAUGHTER 666 00:36:14,580 --> 00:36:17,340 This modern dating system is based...was wrong by several years, 667 00:36:17,340 --> 00:36:19,380 he says, and so he puts the date at 6 BC, 668 00:36:19,380 --> 00:36:20,980 which you eventually got to, Alan, 669 00:36:20,980 --> 00:36:25,700 in your usual method. What was the year before 1 AD? 670 00:36:26,980 --> 00:36:28,980 - Yes, Jo. - Nought. 671 00:36:28,980 --> 00:36:32,300 Ohhhh! Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. 672 00:36:32,300 --> 00:36:35,820 No. Hooray! Yes, well done. Touch of pride. 673 00:36:35,820 --> 00:36:38,420 APPLAUSE 674 00:36:38,420 --> 00:36:42,660 - 1 BC is the right answer. - Oh, I was going to say that! 675 00:36:42,660 --> 00:36:49,140 Well... It went from December 31st 1 BC to 1st January 1 AD. 676 00:36:49,140 --> 00:36:53,260 The BC-AD scheme doesn't have a zero. Anyway, here's an easy one. 677 00:36:53,260 --> 00:36:56,420 Is zero an odd number or an even number? 678 00:36:56,420 --> 00:36:57,700 It's not a number. 679 00:36:57,700 --> 00:37:00,060 - No, it is a number. - I give up. - No... 680 00:37:00,060 --> 00:37:02,580 LAUGHTER 681 00:37:06,340 --> 00:37:10,780 - So it is one of them. - Hang on. It's even. - Yes! 682 00:37:10,780 --> 00:37:13,060 - Oh! - Is it? 683 00:37:15,380 --> 00:37:17,940 By the criteria by which you judge an even number, it is even. 684 00:37:17,940 --> 00:37:22,620 An even number is divisible by two without leaving a remainder. 685 00:37:22,620 --> 00:37:24,140 Well, nought over two is nought. 686 00:37:24,140 --> 00:37:26,100 There's no remainder. 687 00:37:26,100 --> 00:37:29,420 Or it's a number that ends in 0, 2, 4, 6 or 8. 688 00:37:29,420 --> 00:37:30,940 0 obviously ends in 0 cos it is 0. 689 00:37:30,940 --> 00:37:34,860 Also, it has either side of it -1 and 1, which are both odd numbers. 690 00:37:34,860 --> 00:37:38,300 Our maths elf at QI thinks this is the easiest question that's 691 00:37:38,300 --> 00:37:40,380 ever been asked on QI. 692 00:37:40,380 --> 00:37:42,700 Yeah, yeah! Take away my glory now. I got my points. 693 00:37:42,700 --> 00:37:45,220 The easiest question that's ever been asked. 694 00:37:45,220 --> 00:37:47,940 - But he is a maths elf. - Yeah. The sun isn't there. 695 00:37:47,940 --> 00:37:49,900 I had that about 40 years ago. 696 00:37:49,900 --> 00:37:54,660 I'm looking at it and it's not there, but this is easier. 697 00:37:54,660 --> 00:37:57,340 - No, I know maths people are odd. - I hate this show! 698 00:37:57,340 --> 00:37:58,820 LAUGHTER 699 00:37:58,820 --> 00:38:01,140 I'm so sorry, Phill. 700 00:38:01,140 --> 00:38:02,740 You feel bad - I got it wrong! 701 00:38:02,740 --> 00:38:04,020 STEPHEN LAUGHS 702 00:38:04,020 --> 00:38:05,620 That's true, where does that put you? 703 00:38:05,620 --> 00:38:08,540 Now, who wants to see one of my knick-knacks? 704 00:38:08,540 --> 00:38:10,740 - My first knick-knack is for you to do. - Ohh! 705 00:38:10,740 --> 00:38:14,420 I want you to create some extraordinary, magical, 706 00:38:14,420 --> 00:38:18,340 Christmassy things using the power of chemistry alone. 707 00:38:18,340 --> 00:38:21,620 - Chemistry, let's not forget, means magic. - Ooh! - Ohh! 708 00:38:21,620 --> 00:38:24,420 Al-kimia, the magic. So, you should have... 709 00:38:24,420 --> 00:38:27,660 - Stephen, are we going to make a seasonal meth lab? - Maybe. 710 00:38:27,660 --> 00:38:29,220 LAUGHTER 711 00:38:29,220 --> 00:38:30,900 Take out your little chemistry lab. 712 00:38:30,900 --> 00:38:34,180 You have to put on your gloves, I'm afraid, for health and safety reasons. 713 00:38:34,180 --> 00:38:35,460 Oooh, the gloves are... 714 00:38:35,460 --> 00:38:39,340 - While you're doing yours... Yours takes a bit of time. - What are we doing? 715 00:38:39,340 --> 00:38:44,380 - You pour the contents of your smaller into the larger. - A-ha, the usual! 716 00:38:44,380 --> 00:38:45,860 Yeah. What it is, is there's... 717 00:38:45,860 --> 00:38:48,980 - Get it straight, we're providing a sample. - No! 718 00:38:51,340 --> 00:38:54,100 That should turn brown. Put the lid on. 719 00:38:54,100 --> 00:38:56,540 Just swirl, gently sort of twist 720 00:38:56,540 --> 00:38:58,340 and swirl. 721 00:38:58,340 --> 00:39:02,780 You need to do that for about two minutes. Not too violently. 722 00:39:02,780 --> 00:39:04,220 I've done this before. 723 00:39:04,220 --> 00:39:08,740 While you're doing that, I'll just do my demonstration of dry ice, 724 00:39:08,740 --> 00:39:11,740 which as we know makes a marvellous reaction with water. 725 00:39:11,740 --> 00:39:14,500 What are the chances of us being busted by the Feds 726 00:39:14,500 --> 00:39:15,900 while we're doing this? 727 00:39:15,900 --> 00:39:19,060 - I've got this. - Fry's crack house! - Look at this. 728 00:39:19,060 --> 00:39:21,820 - I've got this. - Ohhh! 729 00:39:21,820 --> 00:39:24,300 Christmas party! 730 00:39:24,300 --> 00:39:25,460 I'll have some of that. 731 00:39:25,460 --> 00:39:28,620 OK, there'll be quite violent action to this, as I'm sure you've 732 00:39:28,620 --> 00:39:30,980 all seen - dry ice, as they call it, going into... 733 00:39:30,980 --> 00:39:33,100 I've got here... This is a sort of bubble. 734 00:39:33,100 --> 00:39:37,460 Like blowing bubbles. What we are trying to do is make little smoky bubbles. 735 00:39:37,460 --> 00:39:39,140 That sort of Christmassy effect. 736 00:39:39,140 --> 00:39:42,260 - God, I hope I can get the lid on in time. - Oh! Wooo-hooo-hoooo! 737 00:39:42,260 --> 00:39:45,820 WHOOPING 738 00:39:45,820 --> 00:39:48,140 Whoa! Hey, yay, whoa! 739 00:39:48,140 --> 00:39:51,260 What are you doing, Fry?! Get the lid on! 740 00:39:51,260 --> 00:39:53,540 - Go, go! - Get the lid on! 741 00:39:53,540 --> 00:39:55,460 APPLAUSE 742 00:39:55,460 --> 00:39:57,980 Lid is on, lid is on! Lid is on. 743 00:39:57,980 --> 00:39:59,380 It's going everywhere! 744 00:40:01,060 --> 00:40:04,100 Bubbles! Here's my little bubbles. 745 00:40:04,100 --> 00:40:08,140 - Oh, oh! - There's one, look! Big one. Pop it! Ping! 746 00:40:08,140 --> 00:40:10,420 Whooo! Aw! 747 00:40:10,420 --> 00:40:12,300 - Bubble... Smoky bubble! - Ohhhh! 748 00:40:12,300 --> 00:40:14,700 - Ohhh! - Smoky bubble! 749 00:40:14,700 --> 00:40:17,580 APPLAUSE 750 00:40:17,580 --> 00:40:19,820 There we are. 751 00:40:21,580 --> 00:40:24,100 - I've gone completely reflective. - Ohh?! 752 00:40:24,100 --> 00:40:28,180 - There you are, look at you, you've made a bauble. - Look at that! 753 00:40:28,180 --> 00:40:32,660 You've made a bauble, because your little experiment, invented by Mr Torrance, is... 754 00:40:32,660 --> 00:40:37,540 One of the things he used was silver nitrate, the same thing used in film photography. 755 00:40:37,540 --> 00:40:39,780 - That is silver. - Wow! 756 00:40:39,780 --> 00:40:42,620 That's a beautiful silver bauble you've made just by mixing 757 00:40:42,620 --> 00:40:45,140 - those two chemicals. - Can I just say, I've just seen myself. 758 00:40:45,140 --> 00:40:47,340 I didn't realise that I looked like 759 00:40:47,340 --> 00:40:49,940 Last Christmas by WeightWatchers Wham! 760 00:40:49,940 --> 00:40:52,660 LAUGHTER 761 00:40:52,660 --> 00:40:56,380 - It's hideous. - It is very beautiful, isn't it? - Gorgeous. 762 00:40:56,380 --> 00:40:58,420 They used to use exactly that for lining 763 00:40:58,420 --> 00:40:59,820 the inside of thermos flasks. 764 00:40:59,820 --> 00:41:03,980 - You know how they're silvered on the inside? - It's lovely. - And mirrors. 765 00:41:03,980 --> 00:41:06,700 There it is, you've made your own little home-made silver ball. 766 00:41:06,700 --> 00:41:09,620 And I've finished my little bubbles. And there we are. 767 00:41:09,620 --> 00:41:10,900 BRENDAN: Cool, man. 768 00:41:10,900 --> 00:41:13,300 So - there's only one last thing to check and that... 769 00:41:13,300 --> 00:41:16,900 Has anyone got any worries? 770 00:41:18,740 --> 00:41:22,180 Just one last thing to check, what happened to Alan's grand scarf? 771 00:41:22,180 --> 00:41:24,260 Imogen. What do you have for us? 772 00:41:24,260 --> 00:41:26,740 There is it! Literally. 773 00:41:26,740 --> 00:41:30,980 APPLAUSE 774 00:41:33,180 --> 00:41:34,500 Thanks very much(!) 775 00:41:37,260 --> 00:41:41,180 Brilliant invention. I hope they gave you First Class with Honours. 776 00:41:41,180 --> 00:41:42,660 They didn't. 777 00:41:42,660 --> 00:41:45,340 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 778 00:41:48,260 --> 00:41:51,100 Well! 779 00:41:53,260 --> 00:41:58,380 For the New Year show, I want to see what the one who got a First made. 780 00:41:58,380 --> 00:42:00,820 - Meanwhile, thank you, Imogen. - Thank you. 781 00:42:00,820 --> 00:42:04,700 APPLAUSE 782 00:42:04,700 --> 00:42:07,860 The one who got a first probably made a scarf. 783 00:42:10,500 --> 00:42:12,500 You're absolutely right. 784 00:42:12,500 --> 00:42:14,940 That brings us to the little, 785 00:42:14,940 --> 00:42:18,060 not inconsequential matter of the Christmas scores. 786 00:42:18,060 --> 00:42:19,860 And they are very interesting. 787 00:42:19,860 --> 00:42:22,820 I'm afraid, in last place, though it is his first appearance, 788 00:42:22,820 --> 00:42:27,260 unfortunately his phone went off, which may have cost him some points... 789 00:42:27,260 --> 00:42:32,460 In last place, with a very credible -19, it's Brendan O'Carroll! 790 00:42:32,460 --> 00:42:35,500 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 791 00:42:40,260 --> 00:42:43,740 In third, with -9, Jo Brand. 792 00:42:43,740 --> 00:42:46,020 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 793 00:42:46,020 --> 00:42:47,700 Fat WeightWatchers. 794 00:42:49,740 --> 00:42:53,940 In Santa's second place, with -6, Alan Davies! 795 00:42:53,940 --> 00:42:57,540 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 796 00:43:00,340 --> 00:43:03,820 But our big Father Christmassy winner, with plus 3, 797 00:43:03,820 --> 00:43:05,700 it's Phill Jupitus. 798 00:43:05,700 --> 00:43:08,180 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 799 00:43:13,940 --> 00:43:17,460 So that's it from Brendan, Phill, Jo, Alan and me. 800 00:43:17,460 --> 00:43:21,100 Merry Christmas to you all everywhere. Bye-bye. 801 00:43:21,100 --> 00:43:23,340 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING