1 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:25,680 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:34,040 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,480 good evening and welcome to QI. 4 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:40,440 Tonight, we'll be covering a kaleidoscope of K topics. 5 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:43,880 My co-pilots on this kamikaze caper are: the keen-eyed Sandi Toksvig! 6 00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:51,640 The kick-arse Liza Tarbuck! 7 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,120 The knee-high Susan Calman! 8 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:07,800 And the knave very voluble Alan Davies. 9 00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:12,600 And the buzzers today are kaleidoscopically colourful. 10 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:13,640 Sandi goes: 11 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:20,000 # Yellow is the colour of my true love's hair... # 12 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,280 Liza goes: 13 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:26,400 # Green is the colour of the sparklin' corn... # 14 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:27,440 Susan goes: 15 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:33,040 # Blue is the colour of the sky... # 16 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:34,080 And Alan goes: 17 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:39,760 # We'll drink a drink a drink to Lily the Pink the Pink the Pink 18 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,320 # The saviour of the human race... # 19 00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:43,880 AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG 20 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:47,680 It's like an old people's home! 21 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,360 Join in. You can have your cocoa in a minute! 22 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,960 - Yes. - It's only for an hour! 23 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,120 Old people's home? It's like a Nazi rally. 24 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:04,200 That was how they used to warm up at Nuremberg. 25 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,400 Now we had better get on with our erste Frage, 26 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,760 the first question, which is about your kin. 27 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:11,440 Your kin and kindred. 28 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,480 Do you know what your relatives smell like? 29 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,720 My grandmother used to smell of Lily of the Valley. 30 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,720 Nobody smells of Lily of the Valley any more. 31 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:18,800 That was very common. 32 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:21,520 Grandmothers don't smell the same at all now, do they? 33 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:26,760 - They used to smell faintly of mints. - And Amontillado sherry. 34 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,800 - Oh, yes. Just the one. - Just the one, dear. 35 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,760 Baileys. That's what my gran smelled of. 36 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:36,320 Baileys, round the inside of the glass with her finger. 37 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:39,760 Oh, my goodness! Desperate. 38 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,720 There used to be a perfume called Tramp. 39 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:43,640 - Yes, there was! - Tramp. 40 00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,360 And the advert for Tramp 41 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:48,280 was a young lady who knows what she wants, 42 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:51,960 and that's to be called a Tramp, apparently, in the 1970s. 43 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:56,160 And she wanders through a market and all these guys are like "Hey," 44 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,720 - and she's like "I'm a Tramp." - It was a famous nightclub in Jermyn Street. 45 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,440 Tramp or Charlie. 46 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,320 Charlie! I can remember Benny Hill 47 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:06,120 doing a monologue about going to one of those King's Road... 48 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,200 "It was a den of ini-quiety." 49 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,480 He said, "It was full of kinky boots and underwear." 50 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,160 He said "I could smell her Charlie across the room." 51 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:19,080 I mean, it was her perfume. 52 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,680 Just so wrong. 53 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:22,840 Men used to smell of Old Spice, didn't they? 54 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,800 - Dads smelled of Old Spice. - And Brut. 55 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,000 Brut, yes. 56 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,560 Paul Abbott once wrote a line in something I did for him 57 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:34,560 which said, as our characters went into my parents' house, 58 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,920 the last line was, "Don't say anything about the smell," 59 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,800 - which was really fascinating. - It makes you think of it. 60 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:45,240 Absolutely. It was that line of genius that he's very good at. 61 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:48,480 That is very good, isn't it? Well, in fact... 62 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,360 I'd know the smell of my children anywhere. 63 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,360 - My own children. - That's an interesting point. 64 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,440 It seems that a lot of members of the animal kingdom do, 65 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:58,280 - for very good reasons. - I was sat on quite a lot... 66 00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,760 So it would ring a bell. 67 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:05,240 ..by an older brother in order to incapacitate me during disputes. 68 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:10,120 - Very beautifully put. - And there was a certain aroma that I think... 69 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,880 How powerful the olfactory memory can be. 70 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,560 - It is the most powerful. - If he sat on me today... 71 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:20,280 - You'd know! - I'd be thrown back to 1973. 72 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,960 Well, you're absolutely right. 73 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,400 Can you think of an evolutionary or ecological reason 74 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,160 why you might need... 75 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:31,520 Well, you would not want to mate with your cousin. 76 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:34,240 You wouldn't want to shag your own close relatives. 77 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:37,440 So you'd want to know what your relatives smelled like so that you... 78 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:40,400 This sounds like all shagging takes place in the dark, but... 79 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:44,360 I mean, for example, most mammals don't raise their young 80 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:45,960 the way we do with long, long bonding, 81 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,720 so you recognise your mother and say, "I must not shag my mother." 82 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:52,960 But in other mammals, they might not see their father, for example. 83 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,680 The mouse lemur, which is one of the cutest little things, 84 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,840 the Madagascan mouse lemur, is reared exclusively by its mother. 85 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:02,000 But it can recognise its father's smell and avoid shagging him. 86 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:05,640 And butterflies have incredibly keen senses of smell. 87 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,640 They can smell mates from a huge distance away. 88 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,200 But if they're inbred, they have fewer sex pheromones. 89 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,880 Don't they say that as well, 90 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:14,560 when you're getting together with somebody, 91 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:17,040 that part of the reason that you get on well 92 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,320 is that you enjoy each other's smells? 93 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,640 - It seems so. - And it can keep you together. 94 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:26,040 I don't know about women, but men have no sense of smell who are... 95 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:27,640 Do you remember the word? 96 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:31,040 - Wordsworth was this, has no sense of smell. - No. 97 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:34,160 Anosmic. Anosmic. 98 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:35,920 You can't taste any food or anything. 99 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,600 You wouldn't be able to taste food. 100 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:40,880 But men who have no sense of smell get less...fewer sexual partners. 101 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:44,760 I thought you were going to say takeaways! 102 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,440 "I'll just have toast again." 103 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:53,320 Erm, Dr Johnson, somebody once said to him, "You smell." 104 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:54,720 And he said, "No, I do not. 105 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,320 "I stink." 106 00:05:58,840 --> 00:05:59,920 There you are. 107 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,560 Nature has its reasons for producing smelly rellies. 108 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:07,000 Just... Some ways of blackmailing your parents. 109 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,280 Oh, yes. 110 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,520 Emotional blackmail, I would have thought. 111 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:13,520 My children can blackmail me at any time 112 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,040 by threatening to join a team sport. 113 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,960 I give them anything they want, anything, 114 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:22,600 - as long as I don't have to go and watch them perform in some sporting event. - Really? 115 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:26,920 - Can't be doing with it. - You're right, that is the well-known way children blackmail their parents, 116 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:32,160 by pester power and if you don't... "I'll never speak to you again" and such things, 117 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,120 but in the animal kingdom can that exist? 118 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,800 - Do you know of any... - Some kind of emotional blackmail? 119 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:39,440 Yeah, there's a particular species of bird, 120 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:42,160 the pied babbler, whose young 121 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:46,320 actually leave the nest and threaten to throw themselves off until their parents 122 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,200 come back and feed them, push them back in the nest, feed them more. 123 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,720 Suicidal birds?! 124 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:51,920 Kind of, pretendingly so. 125 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,240 Feed me or I'll jump! Can't fly. 126 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,600 - Oh! - Bye, then. 127 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,360 Darling, darling, let me give you some more food. 128 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:02,600 - It's very sophisticated. - It is sophisticated. 129 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:05,720 But why don't the adults remember that that's what they were doing? 130 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,600 That's the problem, you never remember. 131 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,920 Oh, he's gone over the edge again. He was bluffing, he was bluffing. 132 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,480 I used to do that when I was younger, I'm not falling for it. 133 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,520 - You don't remember what you did as a baby. - That's true, you don't. 134 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,240 That's another thing, you notice the beaks, 135 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:22,320 have you ever seen a very particular kind of beak that is in young birds? 136 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,840 A koha bird has the most remarkable beak, 137 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,040 which basically represents a face. 138 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:28,360 Oh, my God. 139 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,120 But weirdly not even a bird face, it looks more like a human face. 140 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,120 - Doesn't it? - That is basically saying, 141 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,280 - "Put the food here." - Wow. 142 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,520 It's like those things they had for men to aim at 143 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:38,960 - in the urinal, isn't it? - Yes! 144 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,240 It looks like Alan Carr. 145 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:46,960 I'm half closing my eyes now. Yes, it does. 146 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,880 - It does look a bit like him. - That's remarkable, isn't it? 147 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,120 It is extraordinary. 148 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:54,600 So there's a little man in there, and he wants some food as well. 149 00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:00,040 The whole intestinal tract. And then as it gets older it fades. 150 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,720 - Just extraordinary. - That's brilliant. 151 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,320 What are we looking at here? 152 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,760 - A bird. - More birds. - Yes. - Is it a cuckoo? 153 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,280 The cuckoo's gone in the nest. 154 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,840 What do most cuckoos do? 155 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:14,440 They throw the eggs out of the nest, of another species. 156 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:16,440 Oddly enough, that's not most. 157 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:20,400 It's 50 odd of a species of which there are 136. 158 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,360 Only about 50 odd do it, the other 80 don't. 159 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:24,960 It's enough to cause talk, though. 160 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:29,080 It is, but a minority of cuckoo species are cuckoos in the nest. 161 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:31,840 They're giving the rest of them a bad name. 162 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:36,080 Nice cuckoos have got to do so much work to make up for the reputation. 163 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:40,080 So, birds blackmail their parents, just like people do. 164 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:43,120 Why did the spider go to the bathroom? 165 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,640 Ooh. 166 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:49,040 - They don't come up the plughole, they fall in. - Correct. 167 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,960 Fall in and they can't get out. 168 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,720 But why do they go there, are they thirsty? 169 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:58,960 - Well, they're house spiders, so they live in a... - House. 170 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:04,680 - I've got the hang of this show. - I still feel there's a trick coming. 171 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:07,120 They're usually hidden nicely in the wainscoting. 172 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,000 They can last a long time without food, 173 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,160 - but one thing they can't do without... - Is a drink. 174 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:15,400 Now, just put your own considerations apart! 175 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:19,160 Are they voyeurs? Do they like watching people in the bathroom? 176 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,760 "Here they come!" 177 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:27,480 That's why they're called spider. "I spied her!" 178 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:30,560 As I say, they can do without food and they can do without drink, 179 00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:32,120 but they can't do without...? 180 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:33,480 Washing. 181 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,680 - Exercise. - Well, kind of. It's sex. 182 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:44,440 The male spider, come autumn, has got to get his rocks off. 183 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,360 This is where they lose their inhibitions. 184 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,520 That's when you'll see them in bathrooms and so on. 185 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,160 They don't really stand out. On carpets, you might miss them, 186 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:54,160 but in bathrooms, against the white, they're unmistakable. 187 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,960 But what happens if they don't have sex? Do they explode? 188 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:01,440 It's a primary imperative amongst a lot of animals. 189 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,440 They have an eight-finger shuffle. 190 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,240 Essentially, when I see these spiders 191 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:18,200 running around my house in the autumn, they're just really horny? 192 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,280 Yes. The male's looking for a female. 193 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,040 That makes it worse. 194 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:26,200 I've come round to spiders, 195 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:30,720 because they eat about 2,000 bugs a year, 196 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:34,440 and that's 2,000 less of those in your house and just one spider. 197 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:37,560 - Completely. - Or two, because they've got to have sex. 198 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:41,480 I pulled a curtain once when I was still in bed, 199 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:45,000 and you know the dread thing of seeing that above you? 200 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,200 And for the length it took for it to drop, 201 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,240 I was up over my boyfriend 202 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:53,880 and at the end of the room before it dropped. 203 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,880 It's the quickest I've ever moved in my life. 204 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:59,000 That would be a very good Olympic sport, spider drop. 205 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,400 The height of the spider 206 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,800 and then the distance you're going to travel, some calculation, 207 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,040 degree of difficulty. 208 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:10,680 That's a garden spider web, isn't it? 209 00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:14,600 But in houses, you get cobwebs, which are messy and asymmetrical. 210 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,400 Film companies have spray cobwebs, 211 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:18,080 which is the most glorious thing. 212 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,240 I'm sure you've done it in Jonathan Ross. This is magical stuff. 213 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:22,800 You can presumably buy it online, 214 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,440 but it's so great for Halloween parties. I recommend it. 215 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:28,720 Did you just say Jonathan Ross? 216 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:32,880 I didn't even notice! Sorry. I meant Graham Creek! 217 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:36,360 I like the idea of Alan having had a brief career as Jonathan Ross. 218 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,680 Maybe it's like Doctor Who, everyone gets a shot at being Jonathan Ross. 219 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,840 You were the sixth Jonathan Ross. 220 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:49,320 I've had a long enough career to regenerate. 221 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,800 Spiders, I think, can't see very well. 222 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,680 So you would have been as much a surprise to the spider. 223 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:59,080 I don't think they drop on you on purpose. 224 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,760 They don't see you and think, "Ooh, I'll have a go." 225 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:06,000 "It's Liza Tarbuck! Liza Tarbuck! 226 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:09,440 "I'm going to get an autograph. 227 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:13,160 "Wahey! Oh, she's gone! 228 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:16,680 "I used to like you! 229 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:19,800 "Liza!" 230 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:25,160 That was brilliant. It was like Jonathan Ross was in the room. 231 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:28,880 Mrs Spider, after mating the house spider, what will she do? 232 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:32,040 - Eat it. - Yes, the most famous being the redback. - Black widow. 233 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:33,920 Or the black widow, indeed. 234 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,720 The redback, the male is really the most willing for it. 235 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:40,240 He will inseminate the female and then jump into her open mouth. 236 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,920 - How marvellous! - Last thing he does. 237 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,760 Your good old British house spider, she has the decency to 238 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:52,160 wait for the male to die before eating him, so it's kinder. 239 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,160 She must feel weird if she has sons cos 240 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:57,280 - she knows how they're going to go, so it can't be... - It's true, it's true. 241 00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:00,120 Look at the boy, oh, shame. 242 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:03,440 You'd think she'd want either the insemination or the spider dinner. 243 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,280 She might not have wanted either of them. 244 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:08,880 - That's true. - Would have gone...Oh, God! 245 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:10,960 Ah-ah-ah... 246 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,640 - I've just had tea. - Eat me, eat me. 247 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,600 But I suppose it kills two birds with one stone, 248 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:20,120 because sometimes if you have had a little bit of the sexy, sexy time you are hungry. 249 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:21,160 That's true. 250 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:24,760 And it's sometimes annoying to have to get up and make a pasta dinner. 251 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:29,960 And so what it is, you've just had a bit of a... 252 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,280 I expect in the future men will evolve 253 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:34,360 with the Domino's logo on them. 254 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:39,800 And so women will lie there going, "At last, that was actually OK. 255 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,760 "Come on, come on." 256 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,880 - And then everyone's happy. - Yes. 257 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:47,160 So, if there's a spider stuck in your kitchen sink, 258 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,640 he's probably on the pull. 259 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,240 The best way to help a spider is by giving him a little ladder. 260 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,320 But what's the point of Snakes and Ladders? 261 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,560 Ah, now I did a programme about this, 262 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,360 - because actually it originated in India. - It did. 263 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:05,160 And it was a morality game, as so many of our games were, or are. 264 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,840 - Instructional. - Yes. 265 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:08,800 But wasn't it linked, as well, with Ludo? 266 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,560 Well, you have Snakes and Ladders 267 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,880 on one side of the board and Ludo on the other. 268 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,160 Yes, you do, that's right. 269 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,600 It's as easy as that! 270 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,280 So they are, in many ways, linked. 271 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:24,160 But this, as you say, do you know what the message is, as it were? 272 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,720 - In the States it was called Chutes and Ladders. - Really? 273 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,120 If you'd eaten all your dinner you could go up a ladder, 274 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,840 and if you'd done something bad, like, 275 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,280 I don't know, become President 276 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,400 and not closed down Guantanamo or something, 277 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,640 then you went back down the chute. 278 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:40,640 - So it was the same, I suspect it's to do with... - That's right, 279 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:43,080 it's learning various lessons. The K, in this case, 280 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,640 is karma. 281 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,560 It's a first or second century Hindu game, 282 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,120 and the snakes represent different types of sins. 283 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:53,920 The ladders let you reach nirvana, which is the finish there. 284 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,720 You can see, the original game isn't quite the same structure, 285 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,760 but it's not that far off. That's how it looked. 286 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,560 If you hit a snake it represented a vice, 287 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,600 for which you are punished. 288 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,920 So evil deed squares include disobedience, 289 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,840 which moved you from square 41, to square 4. 290 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,440 Drunkenness, 62 to 21, 291 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:14,040 murder, 73 all the way back to number one. 292 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:15,440 - I should think so. - Quite right. 293 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:19,440 Desire, almost there, 99, all the way back to 29. 294 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:22,040 And the virtues, which were the ladders that took you up, 295 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,480 included faith, perseverance, compassion... 296 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,000 Arsenal supporter. 297 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,000 I'm afraid, Alan, knowledge. 298 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,480 Now even more afraid, self-denial. 299 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:39,200 - So really a properly ancient game. - Genuinely ancient, yes. Second century. 300 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,320 And one that has sort of survived, I think it has. 301 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:44,040 Do you young people in the audience play Snakes and Ladders? 302 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,560 AUDIENCE MEMBER: No. 303 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,840 That man's taken a survey. 304 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,560 Don't you, of an evening? 305 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,520 That one didn't sound very young. 306 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:55,080 Is there a Snakes and Ladders app? No? 307 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,240 Well, while we're in a playful mood, 308 00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,720 I have one of my knick-knacks to show you. 309 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:00,680 ALL: Ooooh! 310 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,360 Yes, now this... 311 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,560 The great Lord Kelvin in the 1890s was wandering along a beach 312 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,720 with a friend called Hugh Blackburn, who was a mathematician. 313 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:10,800 They found a pebble and a surface on which to spin it 314 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,360 and they found it had a peculiar property, not unlike this, 315 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:14,600 which is called a tippe top. 316 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,520 - Erm, and you give it a spin... - Oooooh! 317 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,720 - Oh! - It turns upside down. 318 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:23,440 Now, what you, sort of, don't notice because it's still going 319 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:27,080 clockwise but it's upside down, so it's reversed the direction of spin. 320 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:28,480 Oh... 321 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,840 And engineers and mathematicians like Bohr 322 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,840 and Pauli were fascinated by this. 323 00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:34,280 It is quite fun. 324 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,600 We can show you some VT of it being done properly, 325 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,320 then you can see slightly better spin there. 326 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:43,560 So, this is about, you know when they were saying... 327 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,040 The spin is still going...sorry. 328 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,720 Where they were saying that the earth axis is going to change 329 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:50,320 and that north is going to be south. It's much like this. 330 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:54,720 - Sorry, Liza, is the world going to turn upside down? - Apparently so. 331 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,920 - Soon? - Tuesday, it's happening on Tuesday. 332 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,520 Just if I've got to get up and deal with my bills or not. 333 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,600 This is even, perhaps, more impressive. 334 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,160 This little thing here, and what's strange about this is 335 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,160 I can spin it one way but not the other. 336 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:10,240 If I spin it anti-clockwise, it goes very happily anti-clockwise 337 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:13,280 but if I try and spin it clockwise, it not only will resist, 338 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,680 it will stop and spin anti-clockwise. 339 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:18,000 I'm now going to try and spin it clockwise. 340 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,200 Because of the shape... the particular shape? 341 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,760 Obviously it's the reason, yes. 342 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:26,200 - Messing with its...you're twisting its melons, man. - Yeah! 343 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,280 And then round and round and round again. 344 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:35,040 - Do you know physics is extraordinary. - It is, try it anti-clockwise. 345 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,040 - It really is...why? - I know, it is very mysterious. 346 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:41,320 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dismiss you by saying it was because of the shape. 347 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,840 I'm trying to ascertain what the shape...I couldn't really see what was the shape. 348 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,520 - It's a cat's tongue, Alan. - It is a cat's tongue. 349 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:53,080 So, there you are. That shows it goes nicely counter-clockwise. 350 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,840 - Let me see. - It's sort of a humpy thing. 351 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,760 Slight hump in it but it's nothing... 352 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:01,120 - But it's got a twisty bit. - Tiny twist. Now, do it clockwise. 353 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,840 - Isn't that amazing? - Did you say it has a name? 354 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,400 This particular thing is called a rattleback. 355 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,240 That's extraordinary, isn't it? 356 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,880 Yeah, so that's the tippe top and the rattleback. 357 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:15,600 Two very extraordinary objects that you can spin around 358 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,160 and seem to have minds of their own. 359 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:21,480 Now, name the world's scariest spice. 360 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,200 - Well, it's none of them. - No. 361 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:28,240 Because I was a member of the Spice Girls fan club at the age of 20. 362 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,360 LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH 363 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,240 - They were amazing. - They WERE amazing. 364 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,520 They take a lot of flak now but they were amazing. 365 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:36,920 Zig-a-zig-ah. 366 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,160 I just happened to be in Spice World: The Movie. 367 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,920 I went to see that in the cinema. 368 00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:46,480 Which one were you playing?! 369 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,160 I honestly literally did it 370 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,720 because I had nephews who were at the age 371 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:56,960 where to get the signed photograph of each one of the Spice Girls, 372 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,880 it was like ten Christmases for them at once, 373 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:01,120 and they were so thrilled. 374 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:04,280 I would have pretended to be one of your nephews to get a signed photograph. 375 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:08,280 You spoke to everyone who was on that film and they said, "I'm doing it to get their autographs." 376 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:12,160 - What was the question? - Oh, yes, which is the scariest spice of them all? 377 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,040 - So, we're not going to be looking for an actual spice? - Well, yes. 378 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:16,840 - So, it's once of these? - Yes. 379 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,200 In order to big-up the price of spice, 380 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,320 and it didn't need much to do it back in the 17th century, 381 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:25,680 spice was the most precious commodity in the world. 382 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,520 Indeed there were spice wars between...? 383 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:32,080 - The British, the Dutch and the Portuguese mainly. - Absolutely right. 384 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,640 - And the island of Banda... - Yes. 385 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,600 ..in Indonesia was swapped for Manhattan. 386 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,240 Well, one of the Banda islands was, yes. 387 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:41,720 Because it had so much nutmeg on it 388 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,440 - and nutmeg was more valuable than gold. - Indeed. 389 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:47,080 And they used it to preserve meat. 390 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,840 Well, they do and at the time, they thought it was 391 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:53,000 a cure for the bubonic plague, which increased its value even more. 392 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,040 The island was actually called Run, which is 393 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:59,160 - one of the Banda islands but, erm... - Have you been to a spice farm? 394 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,360 It's the most astonishing thing cos you say, 395 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:02,880 "Oh, I'm going to go to a spice farm. 396 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:05,720 "Thinking there'll be the nutmeg here and the paprika here..." 397 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:09,400 It all grows all together in the most fantastic eco-system 398 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,760 and you walk around and they're intertwined. 399 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:15,720 It's the most heady experience I've ever had in my life, it's fantastic. 400 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:19,520 - Yeah. - Spice farms in places like Tanzania...incredible. 401 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:23,640 - Tanzania and also Sri Lanka. - So, that's nutmeg there? Love that. 402 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:24,960 Yeah. 403 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:29,200 And nutmeg is related to mace in which way? What way? How way? 404 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:32,640 - Cousins. - Well, I think it's that I put mace in my beef stroganoff 405 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,560 but not nutmeg, does that work? 406 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,360 Mace and nutmeg are the same plant, 407 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:39,520 - just different parts of the same plant. - Oh, OK. - Actually, yeah. 408 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,960 But the one we're talking about is cinnamon. 409 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,800 And the salesman of cinnamon, in order to sell it at the most 410 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:48,880 premium price they could, used to tell of where it came from. 411 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,720 Which was the nest of this extraordinary bird, 412 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:55,120 which they called the kinnamomon orneon. 413 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:58,080 And it used these twigs of cinnamon in its nest 414 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,760 and what they would have to do to catch it, this giant bird, 415 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,280 is they'd leave slaughtered bits of giant oxen 416 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,840 and the birds would take them up and put them on their nest, 417 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,440 which would over-balance the nest and it would fall down 418 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,560 and they would take out the cinnamon twigs. 419 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,480 And, so they would charge all the more money for how dangerous 420 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,160 it was, basically, to gather from this mystical bird. 421 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:17,720 That is so fantastic, 422 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:20,840 cos you can imagine on the Silk Road or the trade roads 423 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,760 stopping and earning your supper of a night by telling 424 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,280 the tale of that particular thing. 425 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,480 Exactly and in fact it is the bark from a tree, 426 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,160 which doesn't take that much skill. 427 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,680 But to travel the distance it did, once it got to Britain, 428 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:32,920 a long, long way away... 429 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:36,320 - Oh, yeah. - ..only the very, very richest of people could afford it. 430 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,160 But just stay on spice for a moment. 431 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,360 I've prepared some allspice for you. 432 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:42,120 I've put them all into pots. 433 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:47,080 And I want you to tell me which spices you can smell in there, 434 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:48,600 which different spices. 435 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:49,840 I've got one for myself. 436 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:52,360 If it goes everywhere that'll be funny. 437 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,000 - Wow. - What can you smell? - Cloves. 438 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,520 - Cloves, definitely. - Cloves, definitely. 439 00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,920 KLAXON SOUNDS 440 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,480 - It's not me, wasn't me, I didn't do anything. - It was me. 441 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:06,440 Anything else? You definitely said cloves, definitely. 442 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,000 I said loaves. 443 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,720 - Loaves! - It's very strong. 444 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:13,360 - It IS strong. - It's persimmon. It actually smells like a grandparent. 445 00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:15,800 I wish I could make the audience smell it, 446 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,040 one day there will be smell-ivision, and we can share. 447 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:21,880 - Is somebody going to catch if I throw it? - It's very strong. 448 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,320 Oh! 449 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:24,760 LAUGHTER 450 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,480 APPLAUSE 451 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:30,320 Shall I pass it on? 452 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:33,120 Pass it along. 453 00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:35,280 Thank you so much. 454 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,160 You can hand it to someone in the audience behind you. 455 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:41,000 - Who's good at spices? - You better have the lid. - Tell me what that is. 456 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:43,560 No, it's not clove. 457 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:46,040 Well, it's sort of a cheat, really, it is called allspice, 458 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,480 and a lot of people seem to believe 459 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,480 allspice is a mixture of spices, but it isn't. 460 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:51,160 It is a specific plant that gets its name 461 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,960 from smelling like a combination of cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves, 462 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,120 and it's called Pimenta dioica. 463 00:22:57,120 --> 00:22:59,080 - AUDIENCE MEMBER SNEEZES - Oh, bless you. 464 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,960 That's very funny! 465 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,120 Don't get too close to it, sir. 466 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,360 We know where it's reached in the audience. 467 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,800 It's all over the back of row three now. 468 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:15,000 Excellent. 469 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:20,320 Now, the word pepper has, as it were, two meanings for us. 470 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,560 We have the pepper, which is salt and pepper 471 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:24,280 and then we have hot peppers. 472 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:26,080 And do you remember the name of the scale 473 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:27,960 by which you measure the heat of peppers? 474 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,720 I heard a little whisper in the audience. 475 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:34,040 If you have a really strong one, it smells like someone's died inside you. 476 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:39,160 - Ahhhhh... Ooooohhhh.... - Someone in the audience is dying to get out here. - Richter. - Say it again? 477 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:40,560 - FROM THE AUDIENCE: - Scoville. 478 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,480 Scoville, Scoville Scale, you're absolutely right. 479 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:47,800 And on the Scoville Scale a jalapeno, for example, is 5,000. 480 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:51,760 Whereas, the hottest one is the Trinidad Maruga Scorpion. 481 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:56,080 - Oh, it sounds hot. - Which ranks over two million on the Scoville Scale. 482 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,720 Could it kill you, if it was that...? 483 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,720 Almost, I mean, the hottest possible on the Scoville Scale 484 00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:03,800 are actually genuinely poisonous but the hottest curry, 485 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:06,040 supposedly, ever measured that's been eaten... 486 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:08,440 It was eaten by a Dr Rothwell, who was a radiologist, 487 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,040 perhaps appropriately. 488 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:14,080 In order to prepare it, the chef had to wear goggles and a mask... 489 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:17,240 Like so, and it produces crying and shaking and vomiting, 490 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:18,680 in eating it. 491 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:21,360 Very like our local Indian. 492 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:26,840 The restaurant's owner said that Dr Rothwell was hallucinating 493 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:29,640 and he himself took a ten minute walk down the street weeping, 494 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:30,960 in the middle of eating it. 495 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,000 Took him an hour to eat. Which is not bad. 496 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,520 So, so hot! 497 00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:38,040 Now, which Olympic sport should women not take part in? 498 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:39,880 Weightlifting. 499 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:43,560 - She looks so pleased with herself. - She does, as wouldn't you be. 500 00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:46,520 Four scenes away from a prolapse though. 501 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:51,040 I'm trying to think of her name, she's amazing. 502 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,520 She can lift the equivalent of two fridges over her head. 503 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,960 - She's an astonishing... - Cheryl Haworth, by the way. 504 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:58,800 Cheryl Haworth, that's right, and she's an amazing weightlifter. 505 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,280 - I went to women's weightlifting in the Olympics. - Did you? 506 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:02,600 Marvellous. 507 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,400 And a woman from Kazakhstan won, 508 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:07,320 very emo...not a dry eye in the house. 509 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,080 - You can see the physical effort. - Oh, absolutely. 510 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:13,040 It's quite funny, the weightlifting, because usually, 511 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:16,600 I was going to say the trainer but it's more like the handler... 512 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,120 Coaxes out the weightlifter... 513 00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:26,280 This way, this way. 514 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:29,240 - And then they get the powder for the... - Oh, yes. 515 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:32,000 ..for grip and then they get in position 516 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:34,840 and they go "sh-sh-sh" and you all have to be quiet. 517 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,480 You could hear a pin drop and then they make this...and 518 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,440 when they can't do it, it's heartbreaking. 519 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:42,200 - It's four years... - They turn their back on it. 520 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,520 If they do do it, everyone erupts. 521 00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:46,680 - So, it's a very emotional experience. - I bet it is. 522 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,520 There was one girl who fell down and got pinned under it. 523 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:50,800 PANEL GASP 524 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:54,080 Everyone's craning their necks for a view. 525 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:55,360 Is she alive? 526 00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:56,920 Twitching... 527 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,320 STEPHEN LAUGHS 528 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:01,160 Took about four people to lift the thing off her neck, you know. 529 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,800 - Kept getting help cos it was enormous. - Exactly. 530 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:05,360 It was very, very exciting. 531 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,840 - Everything about the Olympics was exciting. - It was. 532 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:12,720 - It was quite exciting just going to the ExCeL centre, no-one's ever said that before. - No. 533 00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:16,760 - Are you talking about the ancient Olympics or... - No, the ancient Olympics was all male anyway. 534 00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:19,920 No, this is, obviously, women should be allowed 535 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,760 and can take part in all the summer Olympics... 536 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:26,240 Except Pierre de Coubertin, who founded the modern Olympics, he said 537 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:30,080 that it should just be about male athleticism, applauded by women. 538 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:33,080 But we've moved on from that, as we know. So, when we say "should"... 539 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,720 - Is it a K? - Yes, it is a K. - It's a K thing? 540 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,440 It's a K, the word actually means, in its own language, 541 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:40,040 a man's something. 542 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:43,000 Which is why, technically, you can't have a woman's version of it. 543 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,000 - Kayaking. - Is the right answer. 544 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,600 - Really? - Yeah. 545 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:48,040 APPLAUSE 546 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:49,680 Absolutely right. 547 00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:55,960 In the Inuktitut language, it means a man's boat. 548 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,240 Except, they also had all female boats 549 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:04,160 - and I'm trying to think of the name of them. They had a boat that was only for the women. - Kayakette. 550 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:07,320 And traditionally the women caught more fish...in their boats and 551 00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:10,440 they've got a completely different name, like an umiak, I think. 552 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:12,400 It was called a trawler. 553 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:17,240 Errrr! 554 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:24,200 Sometimes the men used the umiak for hunting walruses and things, 555 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,440 but they were mainly used just for transporting people and objects. 556 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,920 Now, these two in this picture, one seems to have a quiver 557 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,200 for arrows and the other one seems to have a baby... 558 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:36,760 - Growing out of her shoulder. - It would be awful to get those mixed up. 559 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:38,640 Baaaaah! 560 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:41,680 That's so true. 561 00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,360 Stephen, you say that now it's all marvellous equality, 562 00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:45,880 it's not completely. 563 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,800 For example, in the women's football, 564 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:50,680 in the 2012 Olympics, 565 00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:53,360 the Japanese sent a women's team and they sent a men's team, 566 00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:55,880 and the men's team came from Japan in business class, 567 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:57,760 and the women's team came in economy. 568 00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,800 - That's not my fault! - No, I'm just saying! 569 00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:04,880 I wasn't blaming you. 570 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,080 They did go back, I have to say, 571 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:10,640 in a different way, in that the women went back with a silver medal, 572 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:12,560 and the men went back without anything. 573 00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:16,720 In the Olympics, for example, 574 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:21,120 there are only two sports which are wholly co-ed, as it were. 575 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:24,360 - Equestrian, presumably, would be one. - Equestrian, the other is sailing. 576 00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:26,000 It doesn't seem to make a difference. 577 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:30,000 Almost all sports were invented by men to show off skills men have, 578 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,280 so that's kind of why I think men are good at them. 579 00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:35,600 I like the ones where they do those trial ones, 580 00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:38,040 and I think it was 1900 in Paris 581 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:40,920 they had poodle clipping as a trial sport. 582 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,080 - It's a nice thought, it's actually not true. - Is it not true? 583 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,880 - It's a myth but it's a lovely idea. - I'd like that. 584 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,760 Now for a question about going under the knife. 585 00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:51,520 What's the advantage of having 586 00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:54,400 an arm surgically attached to your face? 587 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,760 You could use it like a trunk. 588 00:28:56,760 --> 00:29:00,440 - You could. - Feed yourself buns. 589 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,560 Can you not feed yourself buns already? 590 00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:05,800 If you're doing something, doing something else, 591 00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:08,640 so let's say you were performing surgery, and you got peckish, 592 00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:11,840 - you wouldn't have to get anyone else to help you. - That's true. 593 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:14,920 - Are you talking about an arm, or an arm and a hand, or...? - Extra arm. 594 00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,360 - No, it's not to give you an extra arm. - Skin grafting. 595 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:19,160 It was kind of skin grafting. 596 00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:22,440 It was done in the 17th century by an Italian surgeon. 597 00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:25,320 That's the process - there's your arm. 598 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:26,800 It's the bit near the shoulder, 599 00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:30,520 and it's attached, as you can see, to the nose. 600 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,040 It was quite common in that period for the nose to perish, 601 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:35,160 to disappear, to get diseased from...? 602 00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:37,120 - Oh, syphilis. - Syphilis, I'm afraid. 603 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,720 There was a man called Gaspare Tagliacozzi, 604 00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:41,480 who was a surgeon from Bologna, 605 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:44,520 and he performed this rhinoplasty, essentially. 606 00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:48,320 - Can you name a famous person who had a nose made of metal? - Tycho Brahe. 607 00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:50,360 You probably pronounce him better than most, 608 00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:52,840 - because he was your countryman. - The Danish astronomer. 609 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:55,400 He had a zinc, was it, or brass...? 610 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,040 - I think it was brass. - Oh, how fabulous. 611 00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:00,160 Can he play it like a trumpet? 612 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:06,200 Disconcerting as well, colour wise, 613 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:08,400 to have a big brass nose, with a fine shine on it. 614 00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:10,440 I'd like an eye on me finger. 615 00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:12,160 - An eye on your finger. - Mm. 616 00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:18,840 I'm sure it'd be possible one day. 617 00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:21,800 Fit for the uses on buses and tubes. 618 00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:25,720 I'm afraid people get... 619 00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:31,760 - LAUGHTER - No! Not for an auto colonoscopy! 620 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:33,160 Stop it! 621 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:37,920 Behave! That's just revolting. 622 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:39,240 A-ha. 623 00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:42,640 Of course, the other thing is, there was 624 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:46,840 a nobleman who decided he didn't want anybody's... 625 00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:49,000 There was a nobleman who decided he didn't want... 626 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:50,200 I'm reading. 627 00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:56,080 There was a nobleman who decided he didn't want a cut 628 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:58,880 made in his own arm, so he had a servant have his arm cut. 629 00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:00,240 - Really? - Yeah. 630 00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:03,560 And the servant had to sort of follow him all around. 631 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:07,320 Of course, what happened was the servant died 632 00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:08,920 and the nose was rejected. 633 00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:10,560 Of course. 634 00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:12,280 And they weren't sure whether he died 635 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:15,160 because it was rejected or whether it was rejected because he died. 636 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:18,000 So he had no nose and nobody to get the tea! 637 00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:22,760 There's another operation - a gynecomastia, 638 00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:26,480 which is breast diminution. 639 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,840 In 2012, a paper called 640 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:32,200 Gynecomastia in German Soldiers - Etiology and Pathology, 641 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,720 looked at the number of breast reductions that were taking 642 00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:37,320 place among the male members of the German army. 643 00:31:37,320 --> 00:31:41,800 Abnormal breasts - why would German soldiers have abnormal breasts? 644 00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:44,720 - They drink too much milk. - No. 645 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:46,320 Is it when you march like this? 646 00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:49,240 Not quite the marching, it's a ceremonial buffeting of your 647 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:50,720 rifle against your chest. 648 00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:53,120 It actually causes the breast to enlarge. 649 00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:55,360 Is it like a shock thing? 650 00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:58,560 It's a shock and the breast has to get used to this regular 651 00:31:58,560 --> 00:32:01,760 pummelling, and decides to push extra fat out to protect itself. 652 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:04,720 - Wow. - It's during ceremonial drill... 653 00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:08,280 Women could save money on breast implants and just get a gun. 654 00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,320 I think it might be quite odd 655 00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:15,120 if you were just sitting on the bus doing that all the time. 656 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:16,360 I'd save it for private! 657 00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:19,520 I think if you took a gun on a bus at all you'd be in trouble. 658 00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:21,120 In the last six years, 659 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:23,880 212 German soldiers have had this procedure, 660 00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:26,280 which is not inconsiderable, 661 00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:29,400 considering that, being a male soldier, it's presumably embarrassing. 662 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:31,360 Exactly. I just thought, wouldn't it go away? 663 00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:33,160 Yeah, the modern German army... 664 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,880 - MIMICS GERMAN ACCENT: - Forget all your notions of the Nazis, 665 00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:37,480 we're whole new peoples! 666 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:41,160 We're very at ease with our inner woman, you know. 667 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:43,640 It's really, there's no embarrassment - 668 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:48,000 I could show you my breasts. And I'm not embarrassed at all. 669 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:50,400 It's fine. 670 00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:53,360 - That's an incredibly sexy accent. - Thank you. - It really is. 671 00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:55,920 APPLAUSE 672 00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:01,440 I think camouflage clothing is weird cos you can see them perfectly well. 673 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:11,440 You may have missed the point but I kind of know what you're saying. 674 00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:16,760 Right, let me take you back to a day in September, 2005. 675 00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:18,840 Why did so many Russians have it off? 676 00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:21,360 - Was it football? - Wasn't anything to do with football. 677 00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:25,640 - Is it to do with voting? - Voting? No. Actually, only in a province. 678 00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:29,760 The governor of this province and the particular town. 679 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:32,400 Ulyanovsk is the name of the town. That might be a hint. 680 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:34,680 Ulyanov mean anything to you? 681 00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:38,000 - Erm... - Someone in the audience will know what the name means? 682 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:39,480 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Lenin. 683 00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:42,080 - Lenin's real name was Ulyanov. - Oh! I had no idea. 684 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:45,560 So his town was named after him - Ulyanovsk - and it was a popular 685 00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:47,960 destination, in Communist times. 686 00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:50,840 People would come and say, "He vos born Ulanovsk." 687 00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:53,560 There's me just thinking he was from Liverpool. 688 00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:56,440 I was trying to get into my... You have to sound as if 689 00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:59,040 you are speaking backwards. "Iz alvays difficoolt ven... 690 00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:01,840 "Lenin vos born in Ulyanovsk." 691 00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:03,520 HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN 692 00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:05,960 The governor of... 693 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:07,840 "I hope ze destination..." 694 00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:09,440 - There he is. - Oh, look at him! 695 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:12,560 - Looks as if he's praying. - Bruce Forsyth. 696 00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:14,280 LAUGHTER 697 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:15,920 - Oh, my God, it is! - Yeah! 698 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:19,800 "Nice to see you..." 699 00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:22,840 Brucefski Vlad Forsythski. 700 00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:25,440 He decided that the town was suffering and... 701 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:28,880 Well, it is. Look at the bloody architecture. 702 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:30,840 LAUGHTER 703 00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,440 Most Communist architecture is even worse than that. 704 00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:36,040 But he decided it needed to increase its population, 705 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:39,520 - so he named a day... - Was there an edict? - Yes. 706 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:44,120 And it was basically Shag Day and if you could show 707 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:47,760 that you had conceived that day, you got prizes - very Bruce Forsyth! - 708 00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:48,800 like a fridge. 709 00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:50,120 LAUGHTER 710 00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:52,080 "Fridge - yes, yes! 711 00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:56,080 "Vot else do you have?" There was a star prize, which was a 4x4. 712 00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:57,560 Really, yes. 713 00:34:57,560 --> 00:35:01,680 - On that day, what did gay people do - redecorate? - I'm afraid, gay people... 714 00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:04,440 - Yes, they do that every day! - Oh, sorry! 715 00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:08,200 - Silly me(!) - Gay people were never the first priority 716 00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:11,040 and still aren't in Russia, I'm afraid. The Day of Conception. 717 00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:13,960 On those game shows in the '70s, they'd give you a speedboat 718 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:15,440 - or a caravan. - Yes! 719 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:18,880 Things you just didn't want, at all. "You've won a caravan." 720 00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:22,440 There'd be someone standing in the door, waving. 721 00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,840 Do they pair you up, like a dating thing? 722 00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:28,000 - Oh, I see what you mean. - "I vouldn't advise it." 723 00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:30,200 I think it was a very severe Russian... 724 00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:32,320 I think it had to be within marriage. 725 00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:36,400 - They didn't want to fill Ulyanovsk with bastards. - No. 726 00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:39,360 - That was the last thing they wanted. - Riff-raff. - Yeah, exactly. 727 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:42,520 Even in the Napoleonic era, there was a Russian general 728 00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:45,720 called Alexey Arakcheyev, who insisted that all the women 729 00:35:45,720 --> 00:35:49,000 on his estate have a son every year. If they had a daughter, 730 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:53,200 or didn't have any child, or even miscarried, they were fined. 731 00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:59,120 - That's a bit harsh. - It was tough, but they understood it(!) - Yes. 732 00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:03,160 - They knew where they were(!) - Seems perfectly reasonable to me(!) 733 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:07,040 Anyway, in 2005, the mayor of Ulyanovsk 734 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:10,040 gave everyone a day off, so they could play Hide The Sausage. 735 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:11,080 LAUGHTER 736 00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:15,680 - We need to talk about Kevin. - Oh, right. - What can you say? 737 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:20,360 - Oh. - Kevins. - One of my best friends is called Kevin. 738 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:25,360 Well, I'm sorry. I say that because that is a clue as to the answer. 739 00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:28,720 - Is it the meaning of the name? - Unfortunately, it's just not 740 00:36:28,720 --> 00:36:31,160 a good name to have if you are on the hunt for a partner. 741 00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:34,920 On dating websites, people are actively put off by the name Kevin, 742 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:37,600 I'm afraid. They get fewer replies. 743 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,600 So, if your name is Kevin, use your middle name, 744 00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:42,760 but not if your middle name is Marvin, Justin or Dennis, 745 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:44,400 cos they are equally unfortunate. 746 00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:48,440 - It's so unfair. - I've never met anyone called Kevin. 747 00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:51,040 I've never met a Kevin. I've never met a Kevin. 748 00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:54,040 You've never met a Kevin? You've never met any Kevin? 749 00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:56,320 There's a Kevin there! You can meet him! 750 00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:59,400 - Is there someone called Kevin in? - Hiya! Susan - Kevin! 751 00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:01,880 Yay! There we go! 752 00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:08,080 - Not only that... - Do you know...? - Not only that, he's gorgeous! 753 00:37:08,080 --> 00:37:12,280 - He's gorgeous! - He's lovely! 754 00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:16,120 "Before tonight" - it's like Surprise, Surprise - "before tonight 755 00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:18,320 "I'd never met a Kevin, now I'm married to one." 756 00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:21,240 Do you know what was nice? You were so pleased. 757 00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:26,480 You were like that, "At last! My time in the sun! It's Kevin!" 758 00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:29,880 Also, if you're female, there are four names that do just as badly 759 00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:34,680 for women - Mandy, Chantelle, Jacqueline and Celina, with a C. 760 00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:39,440 Apparently, the best names, which are rather dully middle class, 761 00:37:39,440 --> 00:37:42,320 are Jacob and Alexander and Charlotte and Emma, 762 00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,600 just in terms of returns on the website. 763 00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:48,520 I'll give you some names last year born in America, beginning with K. 764 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:52,200 Krymson, K-R-Y-M-S-O-N. Klinton, with a K. 765 00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:53,800 Kingsolomon, all one word. 766 00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:55,120 LAUGHTER 767 00:37:55,120 --> 00:38:00,040 - He's mine. - Keats and Kdrian - letter K, D-R-I-A-N. 768 00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:03,880 - YORKSHIRE ACCENT: - "Kdrian, coom in, our kid, your tea's on t'table. 769 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:05,840 Sorry, don't know why I said it like that. 770 00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:10,080 There were ten Kindles, as in the e-reader. 771 00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:14,880 - People are called Kindle? - Ten in America baptised or given that name. And ten Kingdavids, all one word. 772 00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:18,160 My sister-in-law used to work in a hospital and there were 773 00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:21,720 a pair of twins born - this is in Sunderland - and they were named 774 00:38:21,720 --> 00:38:23,280 Fifa and Uefa. 775 00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:26,160 LAUGHTER 776 00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:31,600 - GEORDIE ACCENT: - "Little Champions League, you get in now!" 777 00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:35,280 - Fifa and Uefa. - That's fantastic. - They're not even words. - Right. 778 00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:38,760 You're less likely to click with people called Kevin, sadly. 779 00:38:38,760 --> 00:38:41,280 Now it's time for General Ignorance. 780 00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:45,520 Fingers on buzzers, please. Which way is this comet going? 781 00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:48,320 - ALAN'S BUZZER - Where's it headed to? 782 00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:50,680 I think it's going that way, I thought was the answer. 783 00:38:50,680 --> 00:38:53,200 - KLAXON SOUNDS - Oh! 784 00:38:56,840 --> 00:38:58,560 Dagnabbit! 785 00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:01,640 It looks as though the tail is to the left. 786 00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:04,520 The tail is caused by solar wind. 787 00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:06,720 There's nothing to reveal the direction of travel. 788 00:39:06,720 --> 00:39:10,720 It's solidified carbon dioxide turning into gas in the solar winds, 789 00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:13,840 and it's always pointing away from the sun, the tail. 790 00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:16,800 - Isn't it beautiful? - They are beautiful, aren't they? 791 00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:18,320 Who took that picture? 792 00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:25,360 That's a good effort. 793 00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:29,840 You could put it into a competition. 794 00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:36,120 "I shot this on a Nikon F8, standing on a stepladder." 795 00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:39,120 "It took me 40 years to get the film developed." 796 00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:44,880 I assume from some passing object that NASA sent up. 797 00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:48,480 But it comes from the Greek comitos, do you know what that means? 798 00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:51,760 - Electrical store. - No. 799 00:39:55,640 --> 00:39:57,520 APPLAUSE 800 00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:00,800 It means "long beard", 801 00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:03,480 and that's what it reminds people of, a nice long beard. 802 00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:06,280 The point is, there's nothing to reveal the direction of travel. 803 00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:11,240 - We don't know where that one's going, then? - We simply don't know. 804 00:40:11,240 --> 00:40:15,880 - Luton. - It's going to Luton. That'll do. 805 00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:20,000 Describe the skin on a crocodile's head. 806 00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:21,800 There isn't going to be any, is there? 807 00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:23,560 - Thick. - Thick is probably right, yeah. 808 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:25,560 - This is a trap, isn't it? - Yeah. 809 00:40:25,560 --> 00:40:27,320 - Would I? - Yes. 810 00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:30,680 - They don't have any skin. - Yeah, they do. 811 00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:33,840 - It's not that. - It's not that, then, yeah. 812 00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:35,360 Shoe. 813 00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:36,600 Reptilian. 814 00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:38,960 Yes, that'll do. But it isn't scaly. 815 00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:40,520 - Not scaly. - That's right. 816 00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:41,840 Not scaly. 817 00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:44,040 Move on, then, next one. 818 00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:48,240 - Just do a quick explanation. - Fish are scaly. 819 00:40:48,240 --> 00:40:50,640 It's cracked skin and it's irregular. 820 00:40:50,640 --> 00:40:53,800 Scales are genetically programmed to appear and are regular, 821 00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,400 but these are different on every single crocodile 822 00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:57,720 and they're not regular. 823 00:40:57,720 --> 00:41:01,600 Once, I did an extraordinary trip, where I canoed across Africa - 824 00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:04,320 I don't recommend it, you get a condition called trench bottom, 825 00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:06,160 and, um... 826 00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:09,760 - Met a wonderful woman... - Sorry, you did what nude? 827 00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:11,520 - I canoed across Africa. - Nude? 828 00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:13,160 No, no, not nude. 829 00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:17,200 All I could hear... 830 00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:21,240 It was in my head. 831 00:41:21,240 --> 00:41:24,000 It wasn't dangerous enough, so I... 832 00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:28,720 I thought I heard you say, "I can nude." 833 00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:30,600 That's why I went, "Pardon?" 834 00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:33,280 Anyway, I met this woman, this missionary, and I said to her... 835 00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:35,440 LIZA LAUGHS 836 00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,600 She said, "I hope you're not in a kayak." 837 00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:47,000 - She was a missionary...? - A missionary. 838 00:41:47,000 --> 00:41:51,080 And she said to me, "Are you worried about crocodiles." I said, "Yes." 839 00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:54,000 She said, "If you should meet a crocodile, here's the advice - 840 00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:58,200 "offer it your arm, cos then you've still got both legs to run away." 841 00:41:58,200 --> 00:41:59,680 True. 842 00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:02,440 I like that. We know another good way. 843 00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:06,240 Put a rubber band over its mouth. 844 00:42:06,240 --> 00:42:09,720 It can only move one jaw and it can't put any pressure upwards, 845 00:42:09,720 --> 00:42:11,320 snap it down. 846 00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:14,120 The things that look like scales on a crocodile's head 847 00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:16,080 are actually just cracks in its skin. 848 00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:19,480 So, that's the end of the show, so let's find out 849 00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:22,360 who's the clever clogs and who's a big stupid old thicky. 850 00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:27,000 In equal last position, on minus nine, 851 00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:30,800 - it's Liza and Susan! - SHE CHEERS 852 00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:32,600 APPLAUSE 853 00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:39,360 In a highly-respectable second place, 854 00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:41,280 with minus four, Alan Davies! 855 00:42:41,280 --> 00:42:43,320 APPLAUSE 856 00:42:46,880 --> 00:42:48,960 Which means that our runaway, 857 00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:52,320 super-soaraway winner, with minus two, is Sandi Toksvig. 858 00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:54,400 APPLAUSE 859 00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:03,680 So, it only remains for me to thank Susan, Sandi, Liza and Alan. 860 00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:05,320 Good night.