1 00:00:34,270 --> 00:00:37,710 G-o-o-o-d evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:37,750 --> 00:00:41,070 good evening, good evening, good evening, welcome to QI. 3 00:00:41,110 --> 00:00:44,990 Tonight, we're leaping our way through language and literature. 4 00:00:45,030 --> 00:00:48,510 Lurking in my labyrinth are the loquacious Jack Whitehall... 5 00:00:48,550 --> 00:00:51,030 APPLAUSE 6 00:00:52,190 --> 00:00:54,830 ..the logomaniac, Lloyd Langford... 7 00:00:54,870 --> 00:00:57,230 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:59,150 --> 00:01:01,430 ..the learned Victoria Coren Mitchell... 9 00:01:01,470 --> 00:01:03,230 APPLAUSE 10 00:01:05,230 --> 00:01:08,510 ..and the long-suffering Alan Davies. 11 00:01:08,550 --> 00:01:10,590 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:12,670 --> 00:01:15,270 So, let's hear your lines. 13 00:01:15,310 --> 00:01:16,750 Jack goes... 14 00:01:16,790 --> 00:01:20,030 DING "I wandered lonely as a cloud..." 15 00:01:21,630 --> 00:01:23,430 Lloyd goes... 16 00:01:23,470 --> 00:01:25,150 DANG "That floats on high 17 00:01:25,190 --> 00:01:26,950 "o'er vales and hills..." 18 00:01:26,990 --> 00:01:28,390 Victoria goes... 19 00:01:28,430 --> 00:01:32,350 DONG "When all at once I saw a crowd..." 20 00:01:32,390 --> 00:01:34,190 And Alan goes... 21 00:01:34,230 --> 00:01:36,510 AIR HORN "Arsenal, Arsenal!" 22 00:01:38,230 --> 00:01:40,190 Oh, dear. 23 00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:41,670 Let's start with a nice easy one. 24 00:01:41,710 --> 00:01:44,430 In fact, this one is so easy I'm going to ask the audience. 25 00:01:44,470 --> 00:01:47,430 Have you read 1984? Hands up if you've read 1984. 26 00:01:49,230 --> 00:01:51,190 Wow, that's pretty good. How many...? 27 00:01:51,230 --> 00:01:53,990 - KLAXON - How many...? Yeah. 28 00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:56,750 The fact is, research on several occasions 29 00:01:56,790 --> 00:02:00,590 show that at least a quarter of the people who claim 30 00:02:00,630 --> 00:02:02,750 to have read 1984 are lying, 31 00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:05,830 - so I'm afraid we have to take points away from you. - Really? 32 00:02:05,870 --> 00:02:06,950 Yeah. 33 00:02:06,990 --> 00:02:09,310 Can you put your hand up if you said you'd read it, 34 00:02:09,350 --> 00:02:11,190 but actually secretly you haven't? 35 00:02:11,230 --> 00:02:15,470 - Oh, come on. - Come on. - Oh, you look very shifty. - Yes. 36 00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:18,910 The honest man at the back has earned some more... The audience. 37 00:02:18,950 --> 00:02:21,830 I have to confess here, I studied English at university, 38 00:02:21,870 --> 00:02:23,870 - I haven't read it. - I should hope not! 39 00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:25,270 What kind of English degree 40 00:02:25,310 --> 00:02:27,830 would include something written as late as 1948? 41 00:02:27,870 --> 00:02:31,030 Well, that's true, yes. We read things written in 1370. 42 00:02:31,070 --> 00:02:34,590 But I kind of felt I didn't need to, which is an appalling thing to say. 43 00:02:34,630 --> 00:02:36,390 Oh, it's terribly good, Stephen. 44 00:02:36,430 --> 00:02:37,910 Well, I kind of, I know... 45 00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:40,710 Look at all the TV shows named after it. 46 00:02:40,750 --> 00:02:43,550 Two at least, Room 101 and Big Brother. 47 00:02:43,590 --> 00:02:45,270 - Oh, that's ruined my line. - Oh, sorry! 48 00:02:45,310 --> 00:02:47,750 LAUGHTER 49 00:02:47,790 --> 00:02:50,510 I know how it opens. It opens with the clock striking 13, 50 00:02:50,550 --> 00:02:52,470 I know the character's called Winston. 51 00:02:52,510 --> 00:02:54,870 It's really good and they made a film of it with John Hurt. 52 00:02:54,910 --> 00:02:57,630 It's hard to bother, isn't it, when there's a great film of a book? 53 00:02:57,670 --> 00:03:00,230 - I was the same with the Muppet Christmas Carol. - LAUGHTER 54 00:03:00,270 --> 00:03:02,790 - You know, I feel it's been done. - Quite. Why would you bother? 55 00:03:02,830 --> 00:03:06,910 I know what the turkey does in the story. Why read it? 56 00:03:06,950 --> 00:03:09,190 That is a masterpiece of a film, it has to be said. 57 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:12,870 I lie a lot to impress people, and I'll be honest now, 58 00:03:12,910 --> 00:03:16,470 I have never read The Hungry Caterpillar. LAUGHTER 59 00:03:16,510 --> 00:03:18,510 I get so close to the end and I get too emotional. 60 00:03:18,550 --> 00:03:20,870 I'm like, "He's going to die, he's overfed himself, 61 00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:22,830 "I can't, I can't do it." And I stop. 62 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,430 So I just pretend that I've read it. 63 00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:29,430 I don't know what happens. No, no, he becomes a butterfl... LAUGHTER 64 00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:31,510 Spoiler! Spoiler! 65 00:03:31,550 --> 00:03:34,310 I'm so sorry, that was wrong of me. 66 00:03:34,350 --> 00:03:36,950 That's like when I knew someone who gave away the end of Psycho - 67 00:03:36,990 --> 00:03:39,470 - it's nearly as serious as that. - Oh, my goodness. 68 00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:43,150 - There are some books that you don't need to bother reading. - Hmm? 69 00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:45,390 Like, it's controversial to say it, 70 00:03:45,430 --> 00:03:48,390 but I don't think Harry Potter is worth reading. LAUGHTER 71 00:03:48,430 --> 00:03:51,310 Because it is so expertly narrated on the audio books. 72 00:03:51,350 --> 00:03:52,670 You're so right. 73 00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:56,030 By none other than Mr Stephen, but it is! It is. It, I mean... 74 00:03:56,070 --> 00:03:59,510 APPLAUSE 75 00:03:59,550 --> 00:04:02,070 No, but I do, after I listened to the Harry Potter books, 76 00:04:02,110 --> 00:04:03,590 with you narrating them, 77 00:04:03,630 --> 00:04:07,390 everything in my life is narrated by Stephen Fry. All my thoughts, 78 00:04:07,430 --> 00:04:10,350 my internal monologue, is now Stephen Fry's voice. 79 00:04:10,390 --> 00:04:13,070 Even the dirty thoughts are Stephen's voice. No, 80 00:04:13,110 --> 00:04:16,070 because it makes it acceptable. I had a sexual thought the other day 81 00:04:16,110 --> 00:04:17,390 and I'll put my hand in the air, 82 00:04:17,430 --> 00:04:19,590 I had a sexual thought about Camilla Parker Bowles. 83 00:04:19,630 --> 00:04:22,550 It didn't seem weird because Stephen was saying it to me. 84 00:04:22,590 --> 00:04:24,510 All right. Let's go back to Orwell. 85 00:04:24,550 --> 00:04:26,470 I'll give you a point if you know his real name. 86 00:04:26,510 --> 00:04:28,270 - The name he was born under. - Blair? 87 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:30,390 Blair is right. You said it first. Yes? 88 00:04:30,430 --> 00:04:33,590 - I was going to say Eric Arthur Blair. - Very good. Eric Blair. 89 00:04:33,630 --> 00:04:36,390 And he wrote, I think, his masterpiece, which 90 00:04:36,430 --> 00:04:40,350 I've certainly read many times, which is his allegory, his fable. 91 00:04:40,390 --> 00:04:45,030 - Animal Farm. - Animal Farm. And that was published during the war. 92 00:04:45,070 --> 00:04:46,790 And that was rather difficult. 93 00:04:46,830 --> 00:04:49,230 And do you know the famous poet-publisher 94 00:04:49,270 --> 00:04:50,870 who turned it down? 95 00:04:50,910 --> 00:04:51,910 - No. - Ah. 96 00:04:53,110 --> 00:04:55,710 - His name is an anagram of "toilets". - TS Eliot? 97 00:04:55,750 --> 00:04:57,550 TS Eliot is the right answer. 98 00:04:57,590 --> 00:05:00,390 Yes, he turned it down because he thought it was pro-Trotskian 99 00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:01,550 and anti-Stalin. 100 00:05:01,590 --> 00:05:04,230 And Stalin was our great ally in the Second World War. 101 00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:07,150 And now, of course, it's considered a masterpiece. 102 00:05:07,190 --> 00:05:08,310 Well, there we are ... 103 00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:11,270 The second best animal-based piece of literature. 104 00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:12,630 The first being? 105 00:05:12,670 --> 00:05:14,070 The Hungry Caterpillar. 106 00:05:15,270 --> 00:05:16,790 - What am I thinking of? - I mean ... 107 00:05:19,350 --> 00:05:23,310 Now, I should say that there's a bonus hidden in tonight's programme, 108 00:05:23,350 --> 00:05:26,750 and that is what we call the Spend A Penny bonus. 109 00:05:26,790 --> 00:05:28,990 JINGLE 110 00:05:29,030 --> 00:05:30,830 FLUSHING 111 00:05:30,870 --> 00:05:35,190 That's it. There'll be one question, at least, tonight, whose theme... 112 00:05:35,230 --> 00:05:37,590 LAUGHTER 113 00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,150 ..whose theme is lavatorial. 114 00:05:39,190 --> 00:05:42,630 And if you think that the answer is something to do with the lavatory, 115 00:05:42,670 --> 00:05:44,830 then you wave and you spend your penny. 116 00:05:44,870 --> 00:05:47,230 I'm going to keep mine and use it in one of those arcades. 117 00:05:49,110 --> 00:05:50,510 That's a very good idea. 118 00:05:50,550 --> 00:05:53,230 Now, here's a lovely list of Victorian slang. 119 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:55,270 What do these L words mean? 120 00:05:55,310 --> 00:05:57,190 We've got lally-gagging or lolly-gagging. 121 00:05:57,230 --> 00:05:59,750 Last shake o' the bag. Land o'Scots. Land o'cakes. 122 00:05:59,790 --> 00:06:00,870 Lemon Squash Party. 123 00:06:00,910 --> 00:06:03,310 - I know lolly-gagging. - Yeah? 124 00:06:03,350 --> 00:06:06,830 That's when you squeeze too hard at the bottom of your Calippo. 125 00:06:06,870 --> 00:06:08,390 Oh. 126 00:06:08,430 --> 00:06:10,070 LAUGHTER 127 00:06:12,310 --> 00:06:13,990 Ow. Followed by brain freeze. 128 00:06:14,030 --> 00:06:15,910 But if you do that and you squeeze too hard, 129 00:06:15,950 --> 00:06:18,830 then it comes right out of the tube, but you can't deal with it all. 130 00:06:18,870 --> 00:06:21,190 What do you do? Do you bite it off? 131 00:06:21,230 --> 00:06:24,470 - You lolly-gag. - LAUGHTER 132 00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:26,030 Kind of a shover. 133 00:06:28,150 --> 00:06:30,950 That's a very odd thing to see. Do that again. 134 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:33,110 LAUGHTER 135 00:06:34,910 --> 00:06:37,190 A Leg Maniac is one of those people whose leg twitches 136 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,910 - when they're sitting in a chair. - It would be a good name for that. 137 00:06:39,950 --> 00:06:42,670 I used to do that terribly as a teenager, just endless bouncing. 138 00:06:42,710 --> 00:06:45,150 - I've been doing it all show. - Have you? - Yeah. 139 00:06:45,190 --> 00:06:47,270 - It's very hard to stop once you start. - It's so hard 140 00:06:47,310 --> 00:06:48,950 - and now I'm thinking about it. - Oh. 141 00:06:48,990 --> 00:06:52,030 I'm not thinking about it, Stephen Fry is thinking about it. 142 00:06:52,070 --> 00:06:53,270 But you should roll with it 143 00:06:53,310 --> 00:06:55,590 because Michael Flatley made a living out of that. 144 00:06:57,550 --> 00:06:59,470 - VICTORIA: - I know one of them. - Yes, say. 145 00:06:59,510 --> 00:07:01,310 Land o'cakes is Robert Burns, isn't it? 146 00:07:01,350 --> 00:07:02,710 Yes, you're absolutely right. 147 00:07:02,750 --> 00:07:05,150 - Scotland. - He's talking about Scotland. - Scotland. Good. 148 00:07:05,190 --> 00:07:07,910 But Land o'Scots you would think would be Scotland, but it isn't. 149 00:07:07,950 --> 00:07:09,630 It's actually heaven. 150 00:07:09,670 --> 00:07:10,990 Go figure. 151 00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:12,950 - Learning Shover, you might guess. - Teacher. 152 00:07:12,990 --> 00:07:15,270 Yes. Quite right. You know a bit about that. 153 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:17,590 - Yes. Can I have a point? - Yes, you certainly can. 154 00:07:17,630 --> 00:07:20,390 - Thank you, sir. - Lally-gagging. 155 00:07:20,430 --> 00:07:22,390 It's very hard to guess, actually. 156 00:07:22,430 --> 00:07:24,390 You either know it, or you don't, really. 157 00:07:24,430 --> 00:07:26,670 It means to flirt, Jack. 158 00:07:26,710 --> 00:07:29,630 Oh, yes, I did a bit of flirting, didn't I? Last time I was on. 159 00:07:29,670 --> 00:07:31,430 - You did, you lally-gagged. - But I decided, 160 00:07:31,470 --> 00:07:33,550 cos it was very awkward when the show went out 161 00:07:33,590 --> 00:07:35,950 and I had a very long conversation with my father, 162 00:07:35,990 --> 00:07:37,510 and I watched it back... 163 00:07:37,550 --> 00:07:39,350 "Have you got something to tell me, Jack?" 164 00:07:39,390 --> 00:07:41,870 And, no, I looked very... I looked back at it and to be honest, 165 00:07:41,910 --> 00:07:43,750 I looked desperate for your affections. 166 00:07:43,790 --> 00:07:46,510 And so this evening I have decided to deploy a little bit of carrot 167 00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,190 - and a little bit of stick... - Very good. 168 00:07:48,230 --> 00:07:50,550 ..because last time I showed you too much of my carrot. 169 00:07:50,590 --> 00:07:53,110 LAUGHTER 170 00:07:53,150 --> 00:07:55,430 A very charming carrot it was, too. 171 00:07:55,470 --> 00:07:57,990 - VICTORIA: - Now, here's a problem. You've just explained 172 00:07:58,030 --> 00:08:00,510 we can wave this little fan if we think it's lavatorial. 173 00:08:00,550 --> 00:08:03,190 I'm looking at "last shake of the bag" 174 00:08:03,230 --> 00:08:05,230 and "lemon squash party". 175 00:08:06,190 --> 00:08:08,510 And I'm thinking, I really hope not. 176 00:08:08,550 --> 00:08:10,270 Lemon Squash Party looks like something 177 00:08:10,310 --> 00:08:12,270 you could put into the internet and find... 178 00:08:12,310 --> 00:08:15,070 LAUGHTER 179 00:08:15,110 --> 00:08:17,390 - Tennis players. - Yes. 180 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,870 - Is it a political party? - It's not a political party. 181 00:08:19,910 --> 00:08:22,630 It's part of a movement that was very popular in the 19th century, 182 00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:25,110 a rather dull movement to many of us, perhaps. 183 00:08:25,150 --> 00:08:27,110 - It's very straightforward. - Temperance. 184 00:08:27,150 --> 00:08:31,990 Temperance. It is an all-male party where only lemon squash was served. 185 00:08:32,030 --> 00:08:33,510 It's that simple. 186 00:08:33,550 --> 00:08:35,590 I mean, we've all had a lemon squash party. 187 00:08:35,630 --> 00:08:38,990 It's the party that comes AFTER the after-party. 188 00:08:39,030 --> 00:08:40,790 - You're quite right. - Last shake o' the bag. 189 00:08:40,830 --> 00:08:44,110 - That's my favourite. - Is that...? 190 00:08:44,150 --> 00:08:48,750 Is it, like, something to do with you, like, your...? 191 00:08:48,790 --> 00:08:50,910 LAUGHTER No... 192 00:08:50,950 --> 00:08:53,470 - Out with it, man. - It's not. Is it, like, your last child? 193 00:08:53,510 --> 00:08:54,950 Yes. Your youngest child. 194 00:08:54,990 --> 00:08:58,630 - Because it's the last...bag. - The last shake of the bag. Isn't that great? 195 00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:00,350 I think it's a terrific phrase. 196 00:09:00,390 --> 00:09:02,830 "Meet Benjamin, he's my last shake of the bag." 197 00:09:05,030 --> 00:09:06,350 Yes, you've had teacher. 198 00:09:06,390 --> 00:09:08,310 Leg Maniac is the only one we haven't covered 199 00:09:08,350 --> 00:09:11,830 and it's just really an eccentric dancer, a rather frenzied dancer. 200 00:09:11,870 --> 00:09:13,510 I was right with Flatley, then. 201 00:09:13,550 --> 00:09:16,230 Yes, you were, basically. They're rather pleasing. 202 00:09:16,270 --> 00:09:18,470 I'm particularly sorry that last shake o' the bag's 203 00:09:18,510 --> 00:09:19,590 gone out of the language. 204 00:09:19,630 --> 00:09:21,710 Now, without mincing words, what is this? 205 00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:23,910 "Ah, I have to be, rather like Ask The Family. 206 00:09:23,950 --> 00:09:25,510 "It's going to come into view. 207 00:09:25,550 --> 00:09:28,470 "Ah. Ah-ha!" 208 00:09:28,510 --> 00:09:30,790 Toilet! JINGLE 209 00:09:30,830 --> 00:09:33,070 Yes. It couldn't be more lavatorial, could it? 210 00:09:33,110 --> 00:09:36,710 But... But you have to answer the question, what is it? 211 00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:39,350 - What do you mean, what is it? - Without mincing words, what is it? 212 00:09:39,390 --> 00:09:42,790 Oh, it's going to be a trick one, like, it's a set of weights. 213 00:09:42,830 --> 00:09:45,470 - LAUGHTER - No. 214 00:09:45,510 --> 00:09:49,150 - It's a toilet. - Oh! - KLAXON 215 00:09:49,190 --> 00:09:51,910 - A lavatory. - Lavatory. - KLAXON CONTINUES 216 00:09:51,950 --> 00:09:55,030 - Bog. - Water closet. - We've had lavatory, toilet, water closet. 217 00:09:55,070 --> 00:09:56,390 Shitter! 218 00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:59,270 Shitter. Water closet, we had. 219 00:09:59,310 --> 00:10:02,550 - Khazi. Water closet. - We had water closet. 220 00:10:02,590 --> 00:10:05,110 A flush, a wall-mounted flushable... 221 00:10:06,150 --> 00:10:08,350 - Yes, excrement receiver. - ..device. Yes. 222 00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:11,950 The point is, there is no word for it that isn't a euphemism 223 00:10:11,990 --> 00:10:14,990 because toilet comes from "toile", meaning "towel", you know, 224 00:10:15,030 --> 00:10:17,990 - that's where we get our word "towel". - I always wee in a towel, so... 225 00:10:18,030 --> 00:10:20,070 - Well, in that case it's realistic. - Then it is. 226 00:10:20,110 --> 00:10:22,310 A lavatory is from "lavare", the Latin for "to wash". 227 00:10:22,350 --> 00:10:24,110 So it's a bit like saying the washroom, 228 00:10:24,150 --> 00:10:27,310 which is a very American euphemism that we find silly. 229 00:10:27,350 --> 00:10:30,870 A water closet just means a cupboard with water in it, running water. 230 00:10:30,910 --> 00:10:32,990 Although, to be fair, there are all sorts of words 231 00:10:33,030 --> 00:10:35,230 for which there's nothing that isn't a euphemism. 232 00:10:35,270 --> 00:10:37,990 I mean, kitchen. We don't have a word "cookpot place". 233 00:10:38,030 --> 00:10:39,550 - We're not German! - No, that's right. 234 00:10:39,590 --> 00:10:43,150 I mean, all language is metaphorical and to some extent hedges around. 235 00:10:43,190 --> 00:10:46,990 - There is just... - Why has that one at the top been...? The interior is... 236 00:10:47,030 --> 00:10:51,510 Looks like it's been done with one of Noel Edmonds' shirts. LAUGHTER 237 00:10:51,550 --> 00:10:53,030 It does, doesn't it? Exactly like. 238 00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:55,670 It's a Crinkly Bottom one, in every sense. 239 00:10:55,710 --> 00:10:58,630 So, there is no actual word for the little boys' room 240 00:10:58,670 --> 00:11:00,150 that isn't a you-know-what. 241 00:11:00,190 --> 00:11:04,790 What suggestions do you have for the last line of this limerick? 242 00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:06,470 There was an old person of Chile, 243 00:11:06,510 --> 00:11:08,470 Whose conduct was painful and silly, 244 00:11:08,510 --> 00:11:11,270 He sat on the stairs, eating apples and pears... 245 00:11:11,310 --> 00:11:14,350 Firing pips out of his willy. LAUGHTER 246 00:11:22,350 --> 00:11:25,950 Very good. I don't think that can be improved upon. 247 00:11:25,990 --> 00:11:27,830 It certainly wasn't improved upon 248 00:11:27,870 --> 00:11:30,790 by the author of that limerick, who was...? 249 00:11:30,830 --> 00:11:32,590 George Orwell. 250 00:11:32,630 --> 00:11:33,710 - LLOYD: - Eric Blair. 251 00:11:33,750 --> 00:11:36,910 - VICTORIA: - Was it Edward Lear? - Edward Lear, as Victoria rightly said, 252 00:11:36,950 --> 00:11:39,710 who sort of popularised the form. But he had one fatal flaw 253 00:11:39,750 --> 00:11:41,910 in his limerick writing, which was, do you know? 254 00:11:41,950 --> 00:11:45,150 - Was the last line the same as the first? - The last line was more or less the same. 255 00:11:45,190 --> 00:11:46,910 Is it - "That boring old person of Chile"? 256 00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:48,870 Basically it is, yeah, as you will see, it is 257 00:11:48,910 --> 00:11:52,190 "That imprudent old person of Chile." 258 00:11:52,230 --> 00:11:55,310 I think you'll all agree that Alan's version is a lot better. 259 00:11:56,510 --> 00:11:59,950 Yeah, firing pips out of the willy is a lot funnier than that. 260 00:11:59,990 --> 00:12:03,270 Yes, that's exactly what I mean. On the other hand, less Victorian. 261 00:12:03,310 --> 00:12:05,910 He was sort of around the latter half of the 19th century. 262 00:12:05,950 --> 00:12:08,590 - That is an entirely pointless thing to write down. - It is, 263 00:12:08,630 --> 00:12:12,150 but it popularised the form, and there are other versions of his. 264 00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:15,790 - They're all... - It's not painful and silly is it, to be imprudent? 265 00:12:15,830 --> 00:12:18,270 - No. - It's painful and silly to put the pips in your willy... 266 00:12:18,310 --> 00:12:19,990 - Oh, it certainly is. - And fire them out. 267 00:12:21,070 --> 00:12:22,590 I think we're all with you, Alan. 268 00:12:22,630 --> 00:12:25,230 But why has he not thought...? He hasn't thought of a painful, 269 00:12:25,270 --> 00:12:27,390 - silly thing to do... - He hasn't thought it through. 270 00:12:27,430 --> 00:12:29,430 ..related to apples, pears and being on stairs. 271 00:12:29,470 --> 00:12:32,390 He just says it's imprudent. But there's nothing in that that's... 272 00:12:32,430 --> 00:12:35,470 There's nothing imprudent in the previous four lines. 273 00:12:35,510 --> 00:12:39,390 - I mean, the thing is, apples and pears is rhyming slang for stairs, isn't it? - Anyway. 274 00:12:39,430 --> 00:12:41,710 - Yeah, he's eating the stairs. - He's eating the stairs! 275 00:12:41,750 --> 00:12:43,910 LAUGHTER 276 00:12:43,950 --> 00:12:46,630 He's sat on the stairs eating the apples and pears. 277 00:12:46,670 --> 00:12:48,510 Firing splinters out of his willy. 278 00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:53,150 And also it's "Chil-lay", which doesn't rhyme with silly. 279 00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:55,710 - Well, unless you say "sil-lay". - "Sil-lay". 280 00:12:57,910 --> 00:12:59,510 Which is how I pronounce it. 281 00:13:00,630 --> 00:13:03,310 Well, anyway, other versions you might be able to finish. 282 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:08,910 There was an old man with a gong who bumped at it all day long 283 00:13:08,950 --> 00:13:11,790 But they called out, "O Lor'! You're a horrid old bore!" 284 00:13:11,830 --> 00:13:13,870 Pull up your trousers, you're doing it wrong. 285 00:13:15,590 --> 00:13:17,790 It sounds like that new Coldplay song. 286 00:13:19,390 --> 00:13:20,470 Very good. 287 00:13:20,510 --> 00:13:24,390 Which, if you haven't heard it, sounds like any Coldplay song. 288 00:13:25,470 --> 00:13:28,510 What, so it's going to be, "You're a horrible old bore. 289 00:13:28,550 --> 00:13:30,510 "You silly old man with a gong." 290 00:13:30,550 --> 00:13:32,590 - Basically, yeah. - This guy's shit. 291 00:13:34,110 --> 00:13:36,830 - He is. You can see his original. - These are like Lil Wayne lyrics. 292 00:13:36,870 --> 00:13:38,950 So they smashed that old man with a gong. 293 00:13:38,990 --> 00:13:43,110 - They smashed him with the gong?! - Yeah. - Why did they do that?! 294 00:13:43,150 --> 00:13:44,670 Because he was a horrid old bore. 295 00:13:44,710 --> 00:13:47,230 - Well, just take the gong away. There's no need to... - Yeah. 296 00:13:48,270 --> 00:13:52,230 Once you've got the gong from the old man, the problem's solved. 297 00:13:52,270 --> 00:13:54,350 He's not going to annoy you with the gong any more. 298 00:13:54,390 --> 00:13:55,790 There's no point to then smash... 299 00:13:55,830 --> 00:13:58,950 To smash him with the gong is a greater crime than to hit the gong, 300 00:13:58,990 --> 00:14:01,710 regardless of whether he does it all day long. 301 00:14:01,750 --> 00:14:06,110 Also, move away. Go out of earshot where you can't hear the gong. 302 00:14:06,150 --> 00:14:08,870 - There's no excuse for assaulting. - Your outrage is commendable. 303 00:14:08,910 --> 00:14:10,430 Well, let's try another one. 304 00:14:17,750 --> 00:14:20,310 It was a recipe from Heston Blumen-tool. 305 00:14:20,350 --> 00:14:23,310 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 306 00:14:24,470 --> 00:14:25,870 Very good. 307 00:14:26,990 --> 00:14:30,110 - I like it. - Ran off with a man called Raul. 308 00:14:30,150 --> 00:14:34,110 - Cos in Spain, they dig that shit. - It's true, they do. 309 00:14:34,150 --> 00:14:36,670 Once they've got the soup up to boiling point, 310 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:37,870 they poured it over her. 311 00:14:40,510 --> 00:14:43,270 Cos you know how violent they are in the world of Edward Lear now. 312 00:14:43,310 --> 00:14:45,910 You've got it. So, let's actually see what the answer was. 313 00:14:45,950 --> 00:14:49,070 The brilliant last line was "That ingenious Young Lady of Poole." 314 00:14:49,110 --> 00:14:52,390 She's not ingenious. Because adding oil doesn't make something boil. 315 00:14:52,430 --> 00:14:53,750 I mean, I'm not a chef. 316 00:14:53,790 --> 00:14:55,750 But I think the application of heat, 317 00:14:55,790 --> 00:14:58,590 really, is what this Young Lady of Poole needed. 318 00:14:58,630 --> 00:15:01,590 - Do you watch Gogglebox? - Yeah. - I never miss it. 319 00:15:02,910 --> 00:15:06,230 They were watching Heston Blumenthal. There's a German guy who's a regular. 320 00:15:06,270 --> 00:15:08,750 And they said, "Is that a German name?" And he said, "Yeah." 321 00:15:08,790 --> 00:15:10,270 And they said, "What does it mean?" 322 00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,750 - And he said... STEPHEN: - "Flower valley." Sorry. Sorry! 323 00:15:12,790 --> 00:15:14,750 LAUGHTER 324 00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:19,710 Anyway, the point is, 'blumen' is flower, and 'thal' is valley. 325 00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:25,910 But he said, "w-alley." He cannot say Vs. He can't say his Vs. 326 00:15:25,950 --> 00:15:28,470 And even his own wife thought he'd said willy. 327 00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:33,510 Then she was saying, "Flower willy! I thought you said flower willy!" Really laughing. 328 00:15:33,550 --> 00:15:37,630 And he just wasn't laughing at all. Not a smile about it. 329 00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:41,990 - "No, I said w-alley." - My grandfather was like that. 330 00:15:42,030 --> 00:15:45,590 I used to drive along, he used to go, "Vot a vonderful willage." 331 00:15:45,630 --> 00:15:49,070 Grandad, you can say wonderful "vonderful" and you can say "willage..." 332 00:15:49,110 --> 00:15:52,150 You can say "vot", why can't you say "village?" What's wrong with them? 333 00:15:52,190 --> 00:15:53,710 That was my point! 334 00:15:53,750 --> 00:15:56,470 Whereas, if I was talking in German to him, 335 00:15:56,510 --> 00:16:00,230 if I were to say, "WHOA ist der Postamt?" - where is the Post Office? - 336 00:16:00,270 --> 00:16:04,630 he would say, "Vot is the matter with you? Vot are you saying 'whoa'? 337 00:16:04,670 --> 00:16:06,590 "It is 'WO ist der Postamt!'" 338 00:16:06,630 --> 00:16:10,070 I said, "Well, don't say what is the matter with me, then!" 339 00:16:10,110 --> 00:16:11,990 He'd say, "Ah, I'm too old for this shit." 340 00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:14,110 LAUGHTER 341 00:16:14,150 --> 00:16:15,630 APPLAUSE 342 00:16:19,150 --> 00:16:23,110 So, there was a very popular comedian, 343 00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:26,110 who sadly is no longer with us, who's famous for his collection of 344 00:16:26,150 --> 00:16:30,790 vulgar postcards, McGill postcards, who also adored the limerick form. 345 00:16:30,830 --> 00:16:34,270 And he annotated his edition of Edward Lear. Who do you think I'm thinking of? 346 00:16:34,310 --> 00:16:35,670 Do you know who corrected...? 347 00:16:35,710 --> 00:16:38,790 - Bob Monkhouse? - No, but it is that generation. 348 00:16:38,830 --> 00:16:41,430 - It is Ronnie ... - Barker. 349 00:16:41,470 --> 00:16:44,550 Yes. So, a copy of Lear's Nonsense Verses has recently auctioned 350 00:16:44,590 --> 00:16:47,270 that had his annotations in. 351 00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:49,830 And he'd handwritten his own little opening verse. 352 00:16:49,870 --> 00:16:53,150 There was an old fossil named Lear Whose verses were boring and drear. 353 00:16:53,190 --> 00:16:55,670 His last lines were worse - Just the same as the first! 354 00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:58,390 So I've tried to improve on them here. 355 00:16:58,430 --> 00:17:00,310 Good for him, isn't it? 356 00:17:00,350 --> 00:17:02,870 So, let's get some more points by saying, 357 00:17:02,910 --> 00:17:05,550 "To forgive Edward Lear is to know him better." 358 00:17:05,590 --> 00:17:08,870 And what was his first and greatest achievement? 359 00:17:08,910 --> 00:17:11,630 And it wasn't poetry, despite The Pobble Who Had No Toes 360 00:17:11,670 --> 00:17:14,390 and The Owl And The Pussycat, which are wonderful poems. 361 00:17:14,430 --> 00:17:16,470 Was it the jet? 362 00:17:16,510 --> 00:17:18,430 LAUGHTER 363 00:17:20,390 --> 00:17:21,510 It's a nice thought. 364 00:17:21,550 --> 00:17:23,870 He wasn't a poet, primarily, he was something else. 365 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,390 A cook. 366 00:17:25,430 --> 00:17:27,230 A racing driver. 367 00:17:27,270 --> 00:17:28,870 Astronaut. 368 00:17:28,910 --> 00:17:31,190 Well, you either know or you don't. He was a painter. 369 00:17:31,230 --> 00:17:33,310 He was particularly, an orno...onorothol... 370 00:17:35,150 --> 00:17:38,870 - Do you know, funnily enough... - Birds. Bird paintings. 371 00:17:38,910 --> 00:17:40,230 Yes. Ornithological painter. 372 00:17:40,270 --> 00:17:42,630 I think he got a lot better as he went from left to right. 373 00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:45,590 LAUGHTER 374 00:17:51,990 --> 00:17:54,590 But it's still the same. Look, he started with a parrot 375 00:17:54,630 --> 00:17:58,030 - and he's ended with a parrot. - Yes. - Just paint another bird. 376 00:17:58,070 --> 00:18:00,230 That's what held you back in the limerick game 377 00:18:00,270 --> 00:18:02,710 and it's holding you back in the painting game as well. 378 00:18:02,750 --> 00:18:04,110 - Open your eyes! - It is. 379 00:18:07,190 --> 00:18:10,070 - Look at the owl. The owl's just heard one of the limericks. - Yes. 380 00:18:15,190 --> 00:18:16,710 David Attenborough described him 381 00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:19,270 as the greatest British ornithological painter there was, 382 00:18:19,310 --> 00:18:22,710 and he was incredibly accurate and in the time before photography, 383 00:18:22,750 --> 00:18:26,030 - extraordinarily useful. - Well, I mean, he was quite accurate. 384 00:18:26,070 --> 00:18:27,430 The second parrot is odd. 385 00:18:27,470 --> 00:18:28,910 No, he did comic ones too. 386 00:18:28,950 --> 00:18:30,390 The second from the left, though, 387 00:18:30,430 --> 00:18:32,150 I think he started off doing a dolphin. 388 00:18:35,430 --> 00:18:37,030 True. 389 00:18:37,070 --> 00:18:40,350 He had a cat called Foss of whom he was so fond that 390 00:18:40,390 --> 00:18:43,150 when he was forced to move from the area he lived into another area, 391 00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:45,830 he did something quite remarkable. Can you imagine what it is? 392 00:18:45,870 --> 00:18:48,910 - Stuffed it. - No. He certainly wouldn't want to see it dead. 393 00:18:48,950 --> 00:18:50,270 He loved it very much. 394 00:18:50,310 --> 00:18:53,510 He built a house in the second place that was identical 395 00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:56,390 to the house he'd come from so the cat would feel at home. 396 00:18:56,430 --> 00:18:58,750 The cat sat on the mat 397 00:18:58,790 --> 00:18:59,910 It was fat, 398 00:18:59,950 --> 00:19:00,870 the cat. 399 00:19:00,910 --> 00:19:02,310 LAUGHTER 400 00:19:04,150 --> 00:19:05,590 There we are. 401 00:19:05,630 --> 00:19:08,030 It's not supposed to be worse, is it? 402 00:19:08,070 --> 00:19:10,670 I think putting in his bid there to be the next poet laureate, 403 00:19:10,710 --> 00:19:12,190 Alan Davies. So... 404 00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:15,350 Genuinely, though, it sounds like he was sort of a lunatic for symmetry. 405 00:19:15,390 --> 00:19:18,910 - Yes. - All he needed was to live in three slightly different houses 406 00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:20,590 in between the two identical ones... 407 00:19:20,630 --> 00:19:22,550 And he would have an architectural limerick. 408 00:19:22,590 --> 00:19:24,750 - He would have realised his dream. - Yeah, it's true. 409 00:19:24,790 --> 00:19:27,550 - LLOYD: - Also, he would have done that to make him at home. 410 00:19:27,590 --> 00:19:30,270 To make himself at home rather than the cat? 411 00:19:30,310 --> 00:19:32,990 And he's gone, "I've sort of done this for the cat," 412 00:19:33,030 --> 00:19:36,270 but secretly he's thinking, "Well, I know where toilet is. 413 00:19:36,310 --> 00:19:39,790 - "Same place as the last time." - It's true. You never know. 414 00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:43,190 What kind of logical reasoning did Sherlock Holmes use? 415 00:19:43,230 --> 00:19:45,390 L for logic there. Oh. 416 00:19:45,430 --> 00:19:48,070 - Lavatorial? - Hmm. 417 00:19:48,110 --> 00:19:49,510 That's not correct. 418 00:19:49,550 --> 00:19:51,510 LAUGHTER 419 00:19:52,710 --> 00:19:55,110 - Lavatorial reasoning. - Yeah. 420 00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:57,750 So take me through lavatorial reasoning. 421 00:19:57,790 --> 00:20:00,470 No, you do, cos when you go to the loo, it unclogs your body 422 00:20:00,510 --> 00:20:03,470 - and your mind. - Oh, I see. - So like... No, it does. 423 00:20:03,510 --> 00:20:07,110 - Scatological. - Yeah, when I'm at home, if I'm stressed by something, 424 00:20:07,150 --> 00:20:09,550 like a dishwasher, I can't load the dishwasher properly 425 00:20:09,590 --> 00:20:11,870 and there's loads of bowls and I can't get them in, 426 00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:13,470 I'm like, "Jack, take a step back. 427 00:20:13,510 --> 00:20:15,950 "Go and drop the kids off at the pool and come back to it." 428 00:20:15,990 --> 00:20:18,870 And it works, because it does, you sit on the loo, you think, 429 00:20:18,910 --> 00:20:21,590 "What's the task going to be like? How am I going to attack this? 430 00:20:21,630 --> 00:20:24,310 "Let's work out a game plan, a strategy." You deploy the troops, 431 00:20:24,350 --> 00:20:26,990 come back and I'm slamming those plates in like Tetris. 432 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:31,590 And you leave your children alone at a swimming pool, meanwhile? 433 00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:33,470 That was a horrible metaphor. 434 00:20:33,510 --> 00:20:36,230 APPLAUSE 435 00:20:36,270 --> 00:20:37,270 Oh, I see. 436 00:20:40,910 --> 00:20:43,350 Sorry. I thought you were a bit young... 437 00:20:43,390 --> 00:20:44,990 You thought I have children?! 438 00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:47,710 I thought you were a bit young to have children you could just... 439 00:20:47,750 --> 00:20:50,630 - That means... - Why would I take them to the pool? - That means have a poo. 440 00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:54,990 I didn't know that meant have a poo. Dropping the kids off at the pool. 441 00:20:55,030 --> 00:20:57,310 I like that, that's quite a good one. 442 00:20:57,350 --> 00:20:59,750 - Drop the kids off at the pool. - And the logic is good as well. 443 00:20:59,790 --> 00:21:01,870 - But we have no evidence that he used that. - Oh, yes. 444 00:21:01,910 --> 00:21:05,030 But we do know, from the books, the kind of logic he used. 445 00:21:05,070 --> 00:21:07,230 - There are different sorts of logic. - Well, now, 446 00:21:07,270 --> 00:21:10,270 if you eliminate the impossible, you're left with the possible. 447 00:21:10,310 --> 00:21:13,550 - Yes, if everything... - LAUGHTER 448 00:21:13,590 --> 00:21:16,550 - Deduction? - No, not deduction. - KLAXON 449 00:21:16,590 --> 00:21:18,190 Oh, you idiot! Ah-ha-ha-ha! 450 00:21:20,390 --> 00:21:24,670 Deduction is essentially reasoning something which is unchallengeable - 451 00:21:24,710 --> 00:21:26,030 it must be true. 452 00:21:26,070 --> 00:21:29,190 You're given a set of premises and the deduction is true. 453 00:21:29,230 --> 00:21:33,510 So if you say all humans are mortal... Alan Davies is human - 454 00:21:33,550 --> 00:21:37,470 we can say that - therefore Alan Davies is mortal. 455 00:21:37,510 --> 00:21:39,190 That's just simply an absolute fact. 456 00:21:39,230 --> 00:21:41,310 - It must be true... - Oh, that's disappointing. 457 00:21:41,350 --> 00:21:44,470 If those two premises are true, then the synthesis must be true as well. 458 00:21:44,510 --> 00:21:49,150 - But abductive reasoning would be saying something like... - Uh-oh. 459 00:21:49,190 --> 00:21:51,910 I saw Alan Davies in an Arsenal scarf. 460 00:21:51,950 --> 00:21:54,350 He always cries when Arsenal lose. 461 00:21:54,390 --> 00:21:57,590 I saw Alan crying, therefore Arsenal just lost. 462 00:21:57,630 --> 00:21:59,110 Now that isn't certainly true, 463 00:21:59,150 --> 00:22:01,590 but it's the kind of logic that Sherlock Holmes used. 464 00:22:01,630 --> 00:22:04,310 Not absolutely certain and definite to be true, 465 00:22:04,350 --> 00:22:05,750 but he was nearly always right. 466 00:22:05,790 --> 00:22:07,350 He reasoned abductively, 467 00:22:07,390 --> 00:22:10,150 - so that's the sort he used. - Oh. 468 00:22:10,190 --> 00:22:11,910 There you are. What's his great phrase? 469 00:22:11,950 --> 00:22:13,350 What's the famous phrase he used? 470 00:22:13,390 --> 00:22:15,910 Burn, ant, burn! LAUGHTER 471 00:22:27,550 --> 00:22:30,910 - That's fantastic. - You know this was painted by Edward Lear? 472 00:22:34,270 --> 00:22:38,430 So, anyway, the famous phrase he is associated with, of course... 473 00:22:38,470 --> 00:22:40,470 "Elementary, my dear Watson." 474 00:22:40,510 --> 00:22:43,230 - He never said it. - Which, as Victoria rightly says, he doesn't say. 475 00:22:43,270 --> 00:22:45,910 But points if you know where it first appeared in literature. 476 00:22:45,950 --> 00:22:48,310 It was in 1915 by a truly great writer 477 00:22:48,350 --> 00:22:50,870 who actually knew and played cricket with Conan-Doyle 478 00:22:50,910 --> 00:22:52,870 and was a huge fan of his, and in some way, 479 00:22:52,910 --> 00:22:54,590 based his two most famous characters 480 00:22:54,630 --> 00:22:56,630 on the relationship between Holmes and Watson. 481 00:22:56,670 --> 00:22:57,990 One of them a bit of a blitherer, 482 00:22:58,030 --> 00:23:00,550 - the other one incredibly intelligent. - Jeeves and Wooster? 483 00:23:00,590 --> 00:23:03,350 - Oh, Wodehouse. - Jeeves and Wooster, yes. So it was PG Wodehouse. 484 00:23:03,390 --> 00:23:05,630 But it was in fact in another series of his books, 485 00:23:05,670 --> 00:23:07,150 the Psmith series. There he is. 486 00:23:07,190 --> 00:23:09,870 Called Psmith, Journalist, in 1915, set in New York. 487 00:23:09,910 --> 00:23:11,790 Doesn't look like a humourist there, does he? 488 00:23:11,830 --> 00:23:15,390 He was a charming, sweet man, and just a real pro. 489 00:23:15,430 --> 00:23:17,390 He was a prisoner of war, wasn't he, 490 00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:19,470 so he'd look gloomy some of the time. 491 00:23:19,510 --> 00:23:23,110 Indeed, when he was taken to Upper Silesia, 492 00:23:23,150 --> 00:23:24,630 and, as he said, 493 00:23:24,670 --> 00:23:27,710 "If this is Upper Silesia, God knows what Lower Silesia must look like." 494 00:23:28,790 --> 00:23:31,910 Anyway, he came up with the phrase, "Elementary, my dear Watson," 495 00:23:31,950 --> 00:23:33,430 as if it was a, sort of, phrase. 496 00:23:33,470 --> 00:23:36,910 Sherlock Holmes practised abduction, not deduction. 497 00:23:36,950 --> 00:23:40,910 Now to the universal language of laughter. Who likes clowns? 498 00:23:40,950 --> 00:23:42,270 No-one. 499 00:23:43,470 --> 00:23:46,390 UKIP supporters. LAUGHTER 500 00:23:46,430 --> 00:23:49,550 - Weh-hey! - No, cos they are kind of like clowns, UKIP politicians. 501 00:23:49,590 --> 00:23:52,070 They're kind of fun and comical and wear silly clothes, 502 00:23:52,110 --> 00:23:54,590 but they're also terrifying. LAUGHTER 503 00:23:54,630 --> 00:23:56,670 It's that... 504 00:24:00,430 --> 00:24:03,630 - Well... - And they also have a lot of white faces. 505 00:24:07,590 --> 00:24:08,990 Very good. 506 00:24:10,510 --> 00:24:12,270 Well, the certain answer is... 507 00:24:12,310 --> 00:24:14,910 No, I'm just trying to work out who likes clowns and thinking, 508 00:24:14,950 --> 00:24:16,990 "Well, it's certainly not children or adults." 509 00:24:17,030 --> 00:24:18,910 You're right, so basically other clowns 510 00:24:18,950 --> 00:24:21,110 is probably the only answer we can come up with. 511 00:24:21,150 --> 00:24:23,390 - Or sort of other people that work in the circus. - Yes. 512 00:24:23,430 --> 00:24:25,790 They're not going to be anybody's least favourite thing 513 00:24:25,830 --> 00:24:28,030 - as long as there are clowns on the bill. - That's true. 514 00:24:28,070 --> 00:24:29,630 And I like the cars that fall apart 515 00:24:29,670 --> 00:24:32,910 and some of the gags they do, vaguely, but the actual make-up 516 00:24:32,950 --> 00:24:36,150 and the whole...schmear as it were, is pretty disturbing. 517 00:24:36,190 --> 00:24:38,710 And children, it's been shown, do not like them. 518 00:24:38,750 --> 00:24:40,670 LAUGHTER 519 00:24:40,710 --> 00:24:42,350 There was a study in 2008 that showed 520 00:24:42,390 --> 00:24:43,990 that children were more frightened 521 00:24:44,030 --> 00:24:46,070 than in any way healed, or smoothed, or helped. 522 00:24:46,110 --> 00:24:47,710 But all children are frightened, 523 00:24:47,750 --> 00:24:51,710 so that may mean that clowns don't know what laughter sounds like. 524 00:24:51,750 --> 00:24:55,550 They just think the screams of terrified children are laughter. 525 00:24:55,590 --> 00:24:58,110 - "I did really well..." - Because it's all they've ever heard. 526 00:24:58,150 --> 00:24:59,670 "They screamed wonderfully." 527 00:24:59,710 --> 00:25:02,150 - P Diddy is afraid of clowns. - Is he? 528 00:25:02,190 --> 00:25:04,630 - Yes. - There is a so-called word for it. Do you know it? 529 00:25:04,670 --> 00:25:07,030 - Coulrophobic. - Yes, you're right. 530 00:25:07,070 --> 00:25:08,390 Though, unfortunately, 531 00:25:08,430 --> 00:25:11,750 and I don't mean this as a personal slight, it's not in the OED, 532 00:25:11,790 --> 00:25:15,230 and if you look it up in the online etymology dictionary, it says, 533 00:25:15,270 --> 00:25:17,830 "It looks suspiciously like the sort of thing that idle, 534 00:25:17,870 --> 00:25:19,950 "pseudo-intellectuals invent on the internet, 535 00:25:19,990 --> 00:25:22,510 "and which every smarty-pants takes up thereafter." 536 00:25:22,550 --> 00:25:26,110 I mean, "coulro" is "limb" from a stilt walker, possibly, 537 00:25:26,150 --> 00:25:28,790 and the Greek for clown is "klooun" which comes from English, 538 00:25:28,830 --> 00:25:31,270 so, if anything, it should be kloounaphobia, or just... 539 00:25:31,310 --> 00:25:34,110 No, that's the fear of Martin Clunes. 540 00:25:34,150 --> 00:25:37,150 Which is an actual real thing. I'm terrified of him. 541 00:25:37,190 --> 00:25:40,430 Cos those ears... Those flappy ears. I remember when he was starting out, 542 00:25:40,470 --> 00:25:43,030 I can't remember what we were doing, we were in the same place. 543 00:25:43,070 --> 00:25:46,790 He picked up a magazine. He said, "Oh, God. I think there's an interview with me in this." 544 00:25:46,830 --> 00:25:50,030 The first line of the interview is, you know, "Six-foot tall, 545 00:25:50,070 --> 00:25:52,310 "with a tweed jacket, Stephen Fry..." 546 00:25:52,350 --> 00:25:56,270 Or, you know, "Twinkly with a pert little botty, Jack Whitehall." 547 00:25:56,310 --> 00:25:57,830 LAUGHTER 548 00:25:59,430 --> 00:26:02,470 And the one on Martin Clunes just started, 549 00:26:02,510 --> 00:26:04,710 "Face like a torn arse..." 550 00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:06,150 LAUGHTER 551 00:26:07,710 --> 00:26:12,590 It was so unfair! He's got this round, sweet, beautiful face. 552 00:26:12,630 --> 00:26:15,390 And, actually, women fall for him enormously. Arse! I know! 553 00:26:15,430 --> 00:26:18,390 - I'm trying to visualise a torn arse. - It's not good. 554 00:26:18,430 --> 00:26:22,430 - I can help with that as well. - Oh! No, no, no, no. 555 00:26:22,470 --> 00:26:26,510 Since around 2,500 BC, clowns have been known and written about. 556 00:26:26,550 --> 00:26:30,710 But the first famous one in Britain, do you know who it might have been in the 18th century? 557 00:26:30,750 --> 00:26:33,550 17... Born in 1778, really, the 19th century. 558 00:26:33,590 --> 00:26:35,350 - I know, actually. - Yes, go on. 559 00:26:35,390 --> 00:26:36,870 Joseph Grimaldi. 560 00:26:36,910 --> 00:26:39,190 Grimaldi is the right answer. Joseph Grimaldi. 561 00:26:44,550 --> 00:26:47,430 It's said that one in eight Londoners saw him perform. 562 00:26:47,470 --> 00:26:52,070 There's a Grimaldi Park in Islington, not far from where what's-his-chops lived. 563 00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:54,710 - Who's that? Eric Blair. - Oh, yes, Orwell. 564 00:26:54,750 --> 00:26:57,350 There's a famous story of someone going to see a doctor, 565 00:26:57,390 --> 00:26:58,950 before the days of psychology, 566 00:26:58,990 --> 00:27:01,630 but a doctor who specialised in the mind, and this person said, 567 00:27:01,670 --> 00:27:03,790 "I'm miserable, every day is horrible, I don't know 568 00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:06,070 "what to do with myself, I can't get up in the morning." 569 00:27:06,110 --> 00:27:08,790 And the doctor said, "Well, I suggest going to see Grimaldi. 570 00:27:08,830 --> 00:27:10,470 "He'll cheer you up." 571 00:27:10,510 --> 00:27:12,870 And the guy said, "I am Grimaldi." 572 00:27:12,910 --> 00:27:17,030 - And he was a very miserable man. - No wonder he was so depressed. 573 00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:19,870 It would have taken him about 45 minutes to get his coat on. 574 00:27:19,910 --> 00:27:21,470 That's true. 575 00:27:21,510 --> 00:27:25,470 Also, his wife died in childbirth, his father was a bit of a loon. 576 00:27:25,510 --> 00:27:28,430 His son drank himself to death. Lots of misery. 577 00:27:28,470 --> 00:27:31,350 "I am grim all day," he said of himself, Grimaldi, 578 00:27:31,390 --> 00:27:34,790 "but I make you laugh at night." So, good, excellent. 579 00:27:34,830 --> 00:27:39,910 And now, in honour of Victoria, QI does Only Connect. 580 00:27:39,950 --> 00:27:43,950 - Cue music. - ONLY CONNECT THEME PLAYS 581 00:27:43,990 --> 00:27:46,950 - The greatest programme on television, after QI. - Oh, hello. 582 00:27:46,990 --> 00:27:49,030 - Yes, does that ring any bells with you? - Oh, yeah. 583 00:27:49,070 --> 00:27:51,190 So can you choose, please, an Egyptian hieroglyph. 584 00:27:51,230 --> 00:27:53,830 Oh, my goodness, I've never had the chance to do this before. 585 00:27:53,870 --> 00:27:55,590 Obviously, the Eye of Horus. 586 00:27:55,630 --> 00:27:57,710 Eye of Horus it is. 587 00:27:57,750 --> 00:28:01,430 You have to find the connection between these five things. 588 00:28:01,470 --> 00:28:02,670 - Five? - First... 589 00:28:03,950 --> 00:28:06,710 ..John F Kennedy, Profiles In Courage. 590 00:28:06,750 --> 00:28:09,150 Lots of points of course if you get it from one. All right. 591 00:28:09,190 --> 00:28:11,550 Anybody else is allowed to buzz, if they think they know. 592 00:28:11,590 --> 00:28:13,390 And the second one... 593 00:28:13,430 --> 00:28:15,910 Schumann, Theme And Variations In E Flat. 594 00:28:15,950 --> 00:28:17,990 - Hmm. - Whoa. 595 00:28:18,030 --> 00:28:20,110 LAUGHTER 596 00:28:21,350 --> 00:28:23,990 - Are you patronising Jack? - You can all piss off! 597 00:28:25,550 --> 00:28:27,790 What's it got to do with the Eye of Horus? 598 00:28:27,830 --> 00:28:31,550 - No, that's... You choose. Have you never watched? - LAUGHTER 599 00:28:31,590 --> 00:28:34,070 - You've never watched Only Connect? - Not a whole one, no. 600 00:28:34,110 --> 00:28:35,470 Not a whole one?! 601 00:28:36,630 --> 00:28:39,550 All you have to do is find what's in common, only connect, literally. 602 00:28:39,590 --> 00:28:41,390 I think the F stands for his middle name. 603 00:28:44,270 --> 00:28:47,030 Yes, that... How does that connect him? 604 00:28:47,070 --> 00:28:50,110 I'm just taking notes and then I will abduct once I've got them all. 605 00:28:50,150 --> 00:28:51,790 LAUGHTER 606 00:28:53,350 --> 00:28:56,110 I don't know about Schumann, but if I was on a team 607 00:28:56,150 --> 00:29:00,390 on Only Connect, I'd ask them, is it like the second thing they wrote? 608 00:29:00,430 --> 00:29:02,910 - Something like that. - Oh, that's very good. 609 00:29:02,950 --> 00:29:06,030 Stephen, Stephen in my head, is Schumann a composer? 610 00:29:07,550 --> 00:29:09,630 - Yes. - Why, thank you. 611 00:29:09,670 --> 00:29:11,910 - Robert Schumann, yes. - Robert Schumann. 612 00:29:11,950 --> 00:29:13,270 So let's have the third one 613 00:29:13,310 --> 00:29:16,390 because I don't think you're getting it from two. John Prescott, Prezza. 614 00:29:17,470 --> 00:29:18,670 Goodness me. 615 00:29:18,710 --> 00:29:21,310 Schumann's nickname is Theme And Variations. 616 00:29:21,350 --> 00:29:23,870 Oh, was that one of the Sugababes' line-ups? 617 00:29:25,350 --> 00:29:27,710 So I think we'd better have a look at the fourth one. 618 00:29:27,750 --> 00:29:29,790 Fewer points, but this might help. 619 00:29:29,830 --> 00:29:31,590 Alcoholics Anonymous and The 12 Steps. 620 00:29:33,190 --> 00:29:35,630 - I so can get this. - The last one will give it to you. 621 00:29:35,670 --> 00:29:38,110 - So the last one is only for one point. - OK, hold on now. 622 00:29:39,870 --> 00:29:43,870 The Alcoholics Anonymous... The 12 Steps put together by two people 623 00:29:43,910 --> 00:29:47,070 that only have letters as surnames? 624 00:29:47,110 --> 00:29:49,510 You can see why I never got to the end of this show. 625 00:29:51,030 --> 00:29:52,990 No, you'll see the last one and I think... 626 00:29:53,030 --> 00:29:54,550 All right, struggle for the buzzer. 627 00:29:54,590 --> 00:29:56,670 - They all had ghost writers! - Yes! 628 00:29:56,710 --> 00:29:59,670 Yes! Yes! Come on! APPLAUSE 629 00:30:08,510 --> 00:30:11,670 - Well done. Well done, Jack. - CHEERING 630 00:30:15,270 --> 00:30:17,990 Yes. Argh! 631 00:30:18,030 --> 00:30:20,110 Oh, my God! Steady. 632 00:30:22,190 --> 00:30:25,470 - Steady. Whoa. - Sorry, sorry. 633 00:30:27,750 --> 00:30:30,030 You've made a happy man feel very old. 634 00:30:32,390 --> 00:30:34,390 So... 635 00:30:34,430 --> 00:30:37,830 I'm going to have to go for a really awkward dinner with my dad now. 636 00:30:37,870 --> 00:30:40,550 LAUGHTER "I watched you on QI..." 637 00:30:40,590 --> 00:30:42,270 Well, you're just too brilliant. 638 00:30:42,310 --> 00:30:44,870 And, of course, we waited until the most intellectual one, 639 00:30:44,910 --> 00:30:47,390 Katie Price's Crystal and you got it, Jack, so marvellous. 640 00:30:47,430 --> 00:30:49,310 - It is a great read. - A point to Jack. 641 00:30:49,350 --> 00:30:52,630 - And your audio book of it was fantastic. - Well, thank you very much. 642 00:30:52,670 --> 00:30:55,350 - But how does The 12 Steps...? - "Me and Dane went on holiday..." 643 00:30:55,390 --> 00:30:56,830 How does that have a ghost writer? 644 00:30:56,870 --> 00:30:58,550 That's what's so interesting, in a way, 645 00:30:58,590 --> 00:31:01,550 is that the Schumann and the Alcoholics Anonymous are ghost-written 646 00:31:01,590 --> 00:31:03,230 in very special and different way, 647 00:31:03,270 --> 00:31:05,190 at least according to their authors. 648 00:31:05,230 --> 00:31:07,310 Bill Wilson was one of the founders of AA. 649 00:31:07,350 --> 00:31:09,190 - And Bob W? - That's right. 650 00:31:09,230 --> 00:31:13,430 But Bill Wilson claimed that he was spoken to by a spirit, a ghost, 651 00:31:13,470 --> 00:31:15,550 who told him what the 12 steps were. 652 00:31:15,590 --> 00:31:18,150 Oh, well, you could say the same about all of Yeats' poetry. 653 00:31:18,190 --> 00:31:19,350 Well, indeed, you could. 654 00:31:19,390 --> 00:31:21,510 And Schumann claimed that the spirits 655 00:31:21,550 --> 00:31:24,150 of Schubert and Mendelssohn gave him the idea 656 00:31:24,190 --> 00:31:26,190 for his Theme And Variations In E Flat. 657 00:31:26,230 --> 00:31:29,310 So this piece is actually also known as the Ghost Variations. 658 00:31:29,350 --> 00:31:32,350 But John Prescott's autobiography was written by Hunter Davies, 659 00:31:32,390 --> 00:31:36,190 Prezza, who also gave us the Gazza and Wayne Rooney book. 660 00:31:36,230 --> 00:31:38,510 Katie Price's second novel, Crystal, 661 00:31:38,550 --> 00:31:41,550 out-sold all seven Booker Prize nominees that year. 662 00:31:41,590 --> 00:31:43,790 She wasn't nominated for the Booker Prize? 663 00:31:43,830 --> 00:31:46,030 It wasn't actually nominated itself, though. 664 00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:47,110 - Scandalous! - I know. 665 00:31:47,150 --> 00:31:49,790 She talks through the stories with her ghost writer, 666 00:31:49,830 --> 00:31:51,070 who then writes them out, 667 00:31:51,110 --> 00:31:53,190 or as one of Price's managers put it, 668 00:31:53,230 --> 00:31:55,470 "Katie says what she wants the story to be like, 669 00:31:55,510 --> 00:31:57,750 "and they just put it into book words." 670 00:31:57,790 --> 00:32:00,590 LAUGHTER Really? 671 00:32:00,630 --> 00:32:02,830 She's been stuck in that pose for so long 672 00:32:02,870 --> 00:32:05,430 that a group of spiders have colonised her head. 673 00:32:06,910 --> 00:32:09,270 That's true. Which else...? 674 00:32:09,310 --> 00:32:12,550 Oh, yes, Ted Sorensen was JFK's speech writer, who came up 675 00:32:12,590 --> 00:32:16,790 with perhaps his most famous phrase that he used in his inauguration. 676 00:32:16,830 --> 00:32:20,350 "Ask not what you can do for your..." No... 677 00:32:20,390 --> 00:32:23,390 "Ask not what your country can do for you..." 678 00:32:23,430 --> 00:32:24,550 Have a kebab. 679 00:32:26,190 --> 00:32:28,030 "..but what you can do for your country." 680 00:32:28,070 --> 00:32:30,430 Known as a chiasmus, exactly, and a fine example of one. 681 00:32:30,470 --> 00:32:31,870 And that was written by Sorensen. 682 00:32:31,910 --> 00:32:35,070 And Ronald Reagan said of his autobiography, do you know what he said? 683 00:32:35,110 --> 00:32:36,750 He looked forward to reading it. 684 00:32:36,790 --> 00:32:40,630 Yes. "I hear it's a terrific book. I look forward to reading it." 685 00:32:40,670 --> 00:32:42,510 Absolutely right. Very good. 686 00:32:42,550 --> 00:32:46,510 - Anyway, that's all from Only Connect. - ONLY CONNECT THEME PLAYS 687 00:32:46,550 --> 00:32:48,710 APPLAUSE 688 00:32:48,750 --> 00:32:50,030 Thank you. 689 00:32:51,750 --> 00:32:54,950 Right, now, this here what you're about to see is the longest 690 00:32:54,990 --> 00:32:58,150 word in literature. What do you think it means? 691 00:32:58,190 --> 00:33:00,870 Is it the Greek for "that place in North Wales?" 692 00:33:00,910 --> 00:33:02,710 LAUGHTER 693 00:33:05,430 --> 00:33:08,070 It's the Greek for "that peculiar feeling 694 00:33:08,110 --> 00:33:13,470 "when you're trapped in a labyrinth with a man with a bull's head." 695 00:33:14,950 --> 00:33:16,630 That Minotaur-y feeling. 696 00:33:16,670 --> 00:33:19,910 "Minatory" is an English word, which means threatening, 697 00:33:19,950 --> 00:33:23,230 so it would be rather appropriate. No, this... Who's the best-known... 698 00:33:23,270 --> 00:33:25,510 comic Greek playwright? 699 00:33:25,550 --> 00:33:26,990 - Aristophanes. - Aristophanes. 700 00:33:27,030 --> 00:33:30,590 Aristophanes, first in was Alan. And this is basically lunch. 701 00:33:30,630 --> 00:33:33,510 Lunch in ancient Greek. It actually means, "a dish of sliced fish, 702 00:33:33,550 --> 00:33:36,990 "shark and remnants of dogfish head, forming a pungent sharp tasting 703 00:33:37,030 --> 00:33:39,270 "mixture, laserwort, crab with drizzled honey, 704 00:33:39,310 --> 00:33:42,270 "and thrush and a blackbird on top, a wood pigeon, a normal pigeon, 705 00:33:42,310 --> 00:33:44,710 "a little baked chicken head, another pigeon, a hare, 706 00:33:44,750 --> 00:33:47,350 "with boiled down wine, and crunchy wings for dipping." 707 00:33:47,390 --> 00:33:48,750 I'll just have the soup. 708 00:33:51,550 --> 00:33:55,790 - What, no feta? - No. And not a bottle of Retsina, either. 709 00:33:55,830 --> 00:33:58,710 Oh, I love feta, me. That's why they went bankrupt in Greece 710 00:33:58,750 --> 00:34:03,430 because it took them so long to write out the menus, they did no business. 711 00:34:03,470 --> 00:34:06,310 Talking of lunch, what do we know about the word lunch, 712 00:34:06,350 --> 00:34:09,270 - a good L word, lunch. - Now, you see, interestingly... 713 00:34:09,310 --> 00:34:11,430 - Luncheon. - Luncheon, yes, that's how it started. 714 00:34:11,470 --> 00:34:16,710 As a matter of fact, it isn't. It was lunch first. 715 00:34:16,750 --> 00:34:18,230 And people extended it to luncheon 716 00:34:18,270 --> 00:34:20,350 because they thought it sounded smarter. 717 00:34:20,390 --> 00:34:24,910 - Not quite right. - It is! I've made a whole programme about this. 718 00:34:24,950 --> 00:34:26,790 LAUGHTER 719 00:34:26,830 --> 00:34:31,270 - It derives from an Anglo-Saxon word. - It does... - From nuncheon. 720 00:34:31,310 --> 00:34:35,230 This is like watching two great stags, locking heads, together. 721 00:34:35,270 --> 00:34:37,910 But it doesn't. Where do you think the phrase 722 00:34:37,950 --> 00:34:39,950 "ploughman's lunch" comes from? 723 00:34:39,990 --> 00:34:41,590 From ploughmen having their lunch? 724 00:34:41,630 --> 00:34:44,750 - No, it was invented by the Milk Marketing Board. - That's true. 725 00:34:44,790 --> 00:34:48,990 Investigating the history of that, we discovered that it is very 726 00:34:49,030 --> 00:34:51,390 disputed whether lunch comes from nuncheon. 727 00:34:51,430 --> 00:34:54,310 Well, until about the 18th century, the word nuncheon was used. 728 00:34:54,350 --> 00:34:58,470 You have a light nuncheon. And nuncheon has a very clear derivation. 729 00:34:58,510 --> 00:35:02,150 It comes from "noon", as in mid-day, and "schench", which means drink. 730 00:35:02,190 --> 00:35:04,470 It was literally a liquid lunch. Nuncheon. 731 00:35:04,510 --> 00:35:07,630 And it was changed, no-one's quite sure why it changed to luncheon, 732 00:35:07,670 --> 00:35:09,070 but it did change to luncheon, 733 00:35:09,110 --> 00:35:11,150 and then the luncheon got dropped to lunch. 734 00:35:11,190 --> 00:35:12,470 30-15, Fry! 735 00:35:12,510 --> 00:35:15,470 LAUGHTER 736 00:35:15,510 --> 00:35:19,190 APPLAUSE 737 00:35:19,230 --> 00:35:22,950 Well, it's very convincing. I wish you had been on the programme. 738 00:35:22,990 --> 00:35:25,270 The theory put forward was that they had been rolled 739 00:35:25,310 --> 00:35:28,150 together in people's minds and lunch came from somewhere else 740 00:35:28,190 --> 00:35:30,390 and it was made longer to sound smarter. 741 00:35:30,430 --> 00:35:31,710 So then people thought it was 742 00:35:31,750 --> 00:35:33,710 the same as the word luncheon, but it's not. 743 00:35:33,750 --> 00:35:37,350 I do not know of people using the word lunch before the word luncheon. 744 00:35:37,390 --> 00:35:39,230 That's breakfast, isn't it? 745 00:35:39,270 --> 00:35:41,590 LAUGHTER 746 00:35:42,670 --> 00:35:45,590 - Anyway, what we have got here is a picnic. - Yeah. 747 00:35:46,830 --> 00:35:51,430 - Well, let's move to less disputed areas. - Or arm wrestle. 748 00:35:51,470 --> 00:35:52,870 LAUGHTER 749 00:35:52,910 --> 00:35:55,510 We'll do a Harry Hill moment. 750 00:35:55,550 --> 00:35:57,430 Well, there you go. 751 00:35:57,470 --> 00:35:59,870 And so to the epilogue that we call General Ignorance. 752 00:35:59,910 --> 00:36:02,710 Time for fingers on buzzers, please. What comes before a fall? 753 00:36:02,750 --> 00:36:04,350 AIR HORN "Arsenal! Arsenal!" 754 00:36:04,390 --> 00:36:06,230 Pride. 755 00:36:06,270 --> 00:36:08,110 - Oh! - KLAXON 756 00:36:15,270 --> 00:36:17,190 Victoria, did you do a programme about this? 757 00:36:17,230 --> 00:36:19,910 - Is this going to be something to do with Greek drama? - No, no, no. 758 00:36:21,150 --> 00:36:23,750 It's the Book of Proverbs in the King James Bible, and it says, 759 00:36:23,790 --> 00:36:28,310 "Pride goeth before destruction, an haughty spirit before a fall." 760 00:36:28,350 --> 00:36:29,670 And there you are. 761 00:36:29,710 --> 00:36:31,870 But things that are misquoted are rather fun. 762 00:36:31,910 --> 00:36:36,150 There's a 2009 survey that found that the most common misquote 763 00:36:36,190 --> 00:36:41,150 is mispronouncing the phrase "damp squib" as "damp squid". 764 00:36:41,190 --> 00:36:43,830 Yeah, it was a bit of a damp squid. 765 00:36:43,870 --> 00:36:46,070 What kind of idiot would say that?! 766 00:36:46,110 --> 00:36:48,110 I've definitely said that. LAUGHTER 767 00:36:48,150 --> 00:36:51,550 It would mean something completely different because you want a squid to be damp. 768 00:36:51,590 --> 00:36:54,590 - Yeah, horrible to have a dry squid. - Damp squid is the best sort of squid. 769 00:36:54,630 --> 00:36:57,070 - Oh, deep-fried squid is lush, though, isn't it? - Calamari. 770 00:36:57,110 --> 00:37:00,670 But you can say that as a compliment then. If you get served that 771 00:37:00,710 --> 00:37:05,150 ridiculous Greek dish and its a tasty version of it, "What a damp squid!" 772 00:37:05,190 --> 00:37:06,870 Yeah, exactly. 773 00:37:06,910 --> 00:37:10,150 Other things include "On tender hooks" instead of "tenterhooks". 774 00:37:10,190 --> 00:37:12,950 ALAN GUFFAWS 775 00:37:12,990 --> 00:37:15,950 "Nipping something in the butt", which is quite different. 776 00:37:16,990 --> 00:37:19,110 A "mute point" instead of a "moot point". 777 00:37:19,150 --> 00:37:21,150 Well, it's a Catch 24, isn't it, really? 778 00:37:21,190 --> 00:37:23,150 LAUGHTER 779 00:37:23,190 --> 00:37:26,270 They're called "eggcorns", as in from a mangling of acorns. 780 00:37:26,310 --> 00:37:28,350 ♪ The Simpsons... ♪ 781 00:37:30,550 --> 00:37:32,590 APPLAUSE 782 00:37:36,390 --> 00:37:39,950 There's "in lame man's terms" is used, apparently. 783 00:37:39,990 --> 00:37:41,190 "Cut to the cheese." 784 00:37:43,470 --> 00:37:45,190 - That's good. - It is, isn't it? 785 00:37:45,230 --> 00:37:47,030 "To all intensive purposes." 786 00:37:47,070 --> 00:37:50,230 "The feeble position" instead of "the foetal position", which is very odd. 787 00:37:50,270 --> 00:37:52,910 I've definitely had the feeble position before. 788 00:37:52,950 --> 00:37:54,950 "Soaping wet", which is a sort of mix 789 00:37:54,990 --> 00:37:57,790 between "sopping wet" and "soaking wet", I think. 790 00:37:57,830 --> 00:38:00,750 "Soaping wet". I was soaping wet! 791 00:38:00,790 --> 00:38:02,310 - That sounds filthy. - LAUGHTER 792 00:38:02,350 --> 00:38:03,830 "Giving up the goat." 793 00:38:05,590 --> 00:38:07,350 I think that's a Welsh one, I think. 794 00:38:09,310 --> 00:38:11,590 I'm so glad you put your hand up to that one, 795 00:38:11,630 --> 00:38:13,230 I wasn't really going to mention it. 796 00:38:13,270 --> 00:38:14,870 "Getting your nipples in a twist." 797 00:38:16,430 --> 00:38:17,750 These are kind of Fools And... 798 00:38:17,790 --> 00:38:20,710 - Or Kath And Kim, they're always saying things wrong. - Yeah, yeah. 799 00:38:20,750 --> 00:38:23,310 When she's hungry, she goes, "I'm absolutely ravishing." 800 00:38:26,310 --> 00:38:28,510 "Chickens coming home to roast" I rather liked. 801 00:38:29,550 --> 00:38:31,350 I hope they pluck themselves as they come 802 00:38:31,390 --> 00:38:33,990 and just land gently on your plate. 803 00:38:34,030 --> 00:38:36,230 Anyway, there we are. 804 00:38:36,270 --> 00:38:38,150 "The haughty spirit comes before a fall." 805 00:38:38,190 --> 00:38:40,150 How would you describe a siren's tail? 806 00:38:41,630 --> 00:38:43,870 It's like a fish, like a mermaid. 807 00:38:43,910 --> 00:38:45,550 - Oh, dear. - Isn't it? 808 00:38:45,590 --> 00:38:48,390 KLAXON Is no-one else going to play?! 809 00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:52,150 I'm afraid not. 810 00:38:52,190 --> 00:38:55,430 Although, you're right, they were on the rocks when they sang. 811 00:38:55,470 --> 00:38:58,870 The song was so alluring, ships were dashed on the rocks. 812 00:38:58,910 --> 00:39:00,910 It's unclear why they wanted that to happen. 813 00:39:00,950 --> 00:39:03,110 Yeah, I know. They were just wicked for some reason. 814 00:39:03,150 --> 00:39:05,310 I think they were annoyed by their lack of nipples. 815 00:39:05,350 --> 00:39:08,110 LAUGHTER 816 00:39:08,150 --> 00:39:11,030 - Yes, that's probably what it was. - Where are my nipples? I don't know. 817 00:39:11,070 --> 00:39:12,990 I've lost my nipples! 818 00:39:13,030 --> 00:39:15,670 So who managed to survive hearing the siren's song? Remember? 819 00:39:17,230 --> 00:39:19,670 - Odysseus. - Odysseus, also known as Ulysses. Yeah. 820 00:39:19,710 --> 00:39:20,910 As in The Odyssey. Yeah. 821 00:39:20,950 --> 00:39:23,990 - To hear the song, what did he do so he could hear it? - Taped it. 822 00:39:24,030 --> 00:39:26,470 LAUGHTER 823 00:39:26,510 --> 00:39:29,590 - No, he tapped himself. He had his men... - Downloaded it! 824 00:39:29,630 --> 00:39:31,990 On iTunes, along with the Harry Potter audio book. 825 00:39:32,030 --> 00:39:36,150 He had his men tape him to the foremast of his ship. 826 00:39:36,190 --> 00:39:38,310 And he made them plug their own ears with wax 827 00:39:38,350 --> 00:39:40,110 so they couldn't hear the siren's song. 828 00:39:40,150 --> 00:39:42,630 Because it's such an extraordinary draw. 829 00:39:42,670 --> 00:39:44,910 And had himself tied with his ears open. 830 00:39:44,950 --> 00:39:47,190 And said, "No matter how much I shout in scream at you 831 00:39:47,230 --> 00:39:49,470 "and you can see my face saying, 'Let me go...' " 832 00:39:49,510 --> 00:39:51,430 They do that at Simply Red gigs. Do they? 833 00:39:53,430 --> 00:39:56,430 - All the audience. - So they couldn't hear it. 834 00:39:56,470 --> 00:39:59,150 So they carried on rowing and he was dying, because he 835 00:39:59,190 --> 00:40:00,510 so wanted to go where 836 00:40:00,550 --> 00:40:03,350 this incredible sound was coming from, but he was the only 837 00:40:03,390 --> 00:40:07,030 one who ever heard the siren's song and survived, supposedly. 838 00:40:07,070 --> 00:40:09,750 A charming story, not very true, probably, but charming. 839 00:40:10,990 --> 00:40:12,950 Actually, they were half...? 840 00:40:12,990 --> 00:40:14,030 Fish. 841 00:40:14,070 --> 00:40:16,590 No, we said that, they were half bird. 842 00:40:16,630 --> 00:40:18,990 - Bird? - Yes. - JACK: Ooh, sexy. 843 00:40:19,030 --> 00:40:22,110 They were half...fish. 844 00:40:22,150 --> 00:40:26,030 - It gives a whole new meaning to "Are you a leg or a breast man?" - LAUGHTER 845 00:40:28,830 --> 00:40:30,590 Why do I think they were half fish, then? 846 00:40:30,630 --> 00:40:32,710 Most people do, that's why we asked the question. 847 00:40:32,750 --> 00:40:35,390 To trap, you know, the common view of them because they... 848 00:40:35,430 --> 00:40:38,190 - When did mermaids get muddled up with sirens? - Interesting point. 849 00:40:38,230 --> 00:40:40,630 I think it's because they were on the rocks by the coast, 850 00:40:40,670 --> 00:40:43,870 so one assumed that they had something to do with water, but they were on land. 851 00:40:43,910 --> 00:40:45,510 And they drew people into their rocks. 852 00:40:45,550 --> 00:40:49,350 Anyway, what kind of poisoning can you get from one of these here? 853 00:40:49,390 --> 00:40:52,390 What are these? There we are, I'll give you two one. 854 00:40:52,430 --> 00:40:54,830 - Lead poisoning. - Oh! 855 00:40:54,870 --> 00:40:56,990 Lead poisoning, you say? Is he right? 856 00:40:57,030 --> 00:40:59,070 - He said that. Someone said that. - Are they right? 857 00:40:59,110 --> 00:41:00,870 There's no lead in them. Lead poisoning. 858 00:41:00,910 --> 00:41:02,470 - Graphite. - Graphite poisoning. 859 00:41:02,510 --> 00:41:04,230 - Well... - A stab wound. 860 00:41:04,270 --> 00:41:07,470 LAUGHTER 861 00:41:07,510 --> 00:41:09,510 We're correcting ourselves cos all the way back 862 00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:11,590 to the A series, we said, "There was no chance 863 00:41:11,630 --> 00:41:13,470 "on God's or any other earth, that we know of 864 00:41:13,510 --> 00:41:15,350 "of getting lead poisoning from a pencil." 865 00:41:15,390 --> 00:41:18,510 And that is still true today, but the pencils I've given 866 00:41:18,550 --> 00:41:23,270 you are pre-1970s pencils and the paint in them contains lead. 867 00:41:23,310 --> 00:41:27,030 - So when I put it in my mouth, you say... - Yeah. 868 00:41:27,070 --> 00:41:30,230 - You have to clean it. - I just did it again! 869 00:41:30,270 --> 00:41:31,990 You are an idiot. 870 00:41:32,030 --> 00:41:34,150 LAUGHTER Yeah. 871 00:41:34,190 --> 00:41:37,470 You have to clean a pencil of all paint five times a week. 872 00:41:37,510 --> 00:41:39,950 And then eventually, and it has happened twice, 873 00:41:39,990 --> 00:41:41,710 you would have lead toxicity. 874 00:41:41,750 --> 00:41:44,310 Some people really do...suck the ends of pencils. 875 00:41:44,350 --> 00:41:47,390 But you would really, really have to do it for a long, long time. 876 00:41:47,430 --> 00:41:50,790 Lead became illegal in all household products by 1978. 877 00:41:50,830 --> 00:41:52,670 Anyway, now we've reached the end 878 00:41:52,710 --> 00:41:55,350 and it's time to see the scores. 879 00:41:55,390 --> 00:41:59,230 Well, in first place, with a resoundingly clear plus nine points, 880 00:41:59,270 --> 00:42:01,510 it's Victoria Coren Mitchell. 881 00:42:01,550 --> 00:42:04,150 APPLAUSE 882 00:42:04,190 --> 00:42:05,670 Yes! 883 00:42:06,830 --> 00:42:09,390 In second place... In second place, 884 00:42:09,430 --> 00:42:13,030 with a very impressive minus two and a half, it's the audience. 885 00:42:13,070 --> 00:42:16,070 APPLAUSE 886 00:42:17,550 --> 00:42:22,630 In third place, terrific, terrific debut, minus ten, 887 00:42:22,670 --> 00:42:24,030 - Lloyd Langford! - Thank you. 888 00:42:24,070 --> 00:42:27,110 APPLAUSE 889 00:42:27,150 --> 00:42:28,350 Ah. 890 00:42:29,430 --> 00:42:32,790 He can hold his head up with pride, minus 16, Jack Whitehall. 891 00:42:32,830 --> 00:42:34,790 APPLAUSE 892 00:42:37,230 --> 00:42:39,270 And limping in the rear, I'm afraid, 893 00:42:39,310 --> 00:42:41,510 it's Alan Davies with minus 39! 894 00:42:41,550 --> 00:42:43,150 APPLAUSE 895 00:42:49,190 --> 00:42:51,710 So, that's all from Victoria, Jack, Lloyd, Alan and me. 896 00:42:51,750 --> 00:42:55,430 And I leave you with the last words of French grammarian, 897 00:42:55,470 --> 00:42:57,710 Dominique Bouhours. 898 00:42:57,750 --> 00:43:01,790 "I am about to - or I am going to - die. 899 00:43:01,830 --> 00:43:05,070 "Either expression is used." Thank you and good night.