1 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:35,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:43,000 Good evening, buona sera, bon soir, 3 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,880 good evening, good evening, good evening 4 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,920 and welcome to QI, where tonight we are looking at lungs, 5 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,280 livers and other bits beginning with L. 6 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:54,080 Joining me are the luscious legs of Jo Brand. 7 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:56,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:02,600 The lustrous locks of Phill Jupitus. 9 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:04,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,200 The lovely larynx of Josh Widdicombe. 11 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:16,360 And the lily-livered Alan Davies. 13 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:23,760 So, let's examine your organs. Jo goes... 15 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:27,120 FIRST FEW BARS OF TOCCATA AND FUGUE BY BACH 16 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,200 Phill goes... 17 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:35,080 NEXT FEW BARS OF TOCCATA AND FUGUE BY BACH 18 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:37,720 Josh goes... 19 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,920 NEXT FEW BARS OF TOCCATA AND FUGUE BY BACH 20 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:44,160 And Alan goes.... 21 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:47,560 LA CUCARACHA PLAYS ON ELECTRIC ORGAN 22 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 23 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,400 Anyway, in this L series, we have a special bonus, 24 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:08,080 which is if there's a lavatorial question, it's a Spend A Penny. 25 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:12,280 - There you go. - JAUNTY JINGLE, FLUSHING 26 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,760 Because L is for lavatory, 27 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,800 there may be a question which involves something lavatorial. 28 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,480 If you think you've spotted the question, wave your penny. 29 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:22,720 So, let's have a look at question one. 30 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:26,600 What was the problem with the first ever contact lenses? 31 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,800 - ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS - Jo Brand? 32 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,480 Were they made of hydrochloric acid? 33 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,520 - LAUGHTER - That would have been - a serious problem. 34 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:38,800 I presume they were massive and heavy and awkward and difficult? 35 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,520 They were very awkward, massive and difficult. 36 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,480 I'll give you 20 years either way to say what year they first appeared. 37 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,920 - ALAN AND JOSH: 1920. - Oh, that's weird. 38 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:48,160 Whoa! 39 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,560 - Scary. - That was odd! 40 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,720 No, it's not that. 1880, actually. 41 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:56,160 It was in Germany, where they grind lenses extremely well. 42 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,320 And there was one pioneer called August Muller, 43 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:00,640 who could only wear them for half an hour, 44 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:04,400 and then only after he had used cocaine on his eyes to numb them 45 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,960 cos they were very, very painful. 46 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,920 - Best excuse ever! - Yeah. 47 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,760 "Oh, my eyes, they're so..." 48 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:12,320 - "Mein augen!" Yeah. - "Ooooh...." 49 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:15,240 LAUGHTER 50 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,160 "Oh, my eyesight is so irritable and keen!" 51 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:20,720 "My eyes are talking nonsense!" 52 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,960 They used to saw off the bottom of test tubes 53 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,920 and then grind them smooth and put them in. 54 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,760 They were used not for vision correction. 55 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:32,760 Originally, they were concealing eye damage and things like that, 56 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,600 to protect sensitive eyes. And then... 57 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,840 Was the eye damage caused by the contact lenses? 58 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,600 Well, you'd think! But then they got more sophisticated with it. 59 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,280 By the 1920s and '30s in America they were quite popular, 60 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:43,920 but only with incredibly rich people. 61 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,840 - That's quite a big one, there. - That is big. 62 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,440 LAUGHTER 63 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:52,080 In the '20s and '30s they cost more than a car, one set. 64 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,760 So, it was only very rich daddies who would let... 65 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,120 Because their daughters didn't want to wear glasses. 66 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,840 And if you watch Hollywood movies of the '30s and '40s, 67 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:03,160 you will see that no actress wears glasses, 68 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,000 except an actress who is playing a part that is basically 69 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,800 a librarian, a dowd, a frump... 70 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,800 I'm not looking at you when I'm saying that! 71 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,400 LAUGHTER 72 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,960 APPLAUSE 73 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:18,240 IN AMERICAN ACCENT: "Why, Miss Quimby, you're beautiful!" 74 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:21,920 Anyway, we have borrowed some objects 75 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:26,760 from the world-famous British Optical Association Museum. 76 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:30,280 And you each have, and I'm going to start with Phill, 77 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:31,720 you have an optical object 78 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,320 and I'd like you to tell me what you think it might be. 79 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,600 Oh. Right. 80 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:42,480 - Well, it's got a lovely leather surround. - Yes. 81 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:46,120 - Right, so why would you want to see things this red? - Yeah. 82 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:50,640 Was it for nascent superhero Communist Man? 83 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:52,040 LAUGHTER 84 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,960 Are they literally rose-tinted glasses? Are you feeling...? 85 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,920 "Ah, the '80s! The Style Council!" 86 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,760 LAUGHTER 87 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:03,520 "The Guardian with a decent header font. Oh!" 88 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:04,840 LAUGHTER 89 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:08,000 "Araucaria, his crosswords were easy, then. Oh!" 90 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,640 - Pump up the volume... - "Billy Bragg! Billy Bragg!" 91 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:14,800 - As you can see, they look like flying goggles. - Yeah, yeah. 92 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,680 And that's what they are, but they're not for flying. 93 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,920 - Then they're not flying goggles. - JO: Driving. 94 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,600 - They are for... - Don't be picky, he doesn't like that. 95 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:25,840 They are for pilots. They're for night pilots. 96 00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:29,960 - It's so they can acclimatise their eyes for darkness. - Oh. - Oh! 97 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,760 So they go to the canteen where the lady says... 98 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,920 - ALAN SPEAKS GERMAN - .."Flying tonight, love?" 99 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,840 Cos if you're flying tonight, you've got extra eggs and bacon 100 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:41,000 because the chances were you wouldn't come back. 101 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:45,440 I would say that rather they make everyone you bump into 102 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:49,360 - look like a Dutch prostitute. - Yeah, there is an element of that. 103 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:51,520 Dance for me, Stephen! Dance for me. 104 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:54,480 Oh! 105 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,600 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 106 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,320 You made me! 107 00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:00,760 All right. 108 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:05,720 You are a unique individual, if you don't mind me saying. 109 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:07,360 Have a go. 110 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,400 Why can't I dance without people laughing?! 111 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,000 - I don't understand! - You bring joy, you're like... 112 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,560 I missed that lesson that everybody else went to at school 113 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,800 where they were taught how to dance at a discotheque. 114 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,600 LAUGHTER 115 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,760 Anyway, Alan, what have you got that's optical? 116 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,080 - It looks like an ordinary pair of glasses. - Yeah, it is. 117 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,240 And it has three... 118 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,120 Put them on and describe what you see. 119 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,640 LAUGHTER 120 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:37,040 - You won't be surprised to hear that my vision is somewhat obscured. - Yes. 121 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,000 LAUGHTER 122 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,240 - But look at the audience. - They make three... 123 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,880 And what do I...? What can you see? Can you see...? 124 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,320 They're kind of like binoculars, where you can see... 125 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,040 - Can you see me doing anything? - No. 126 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,640 Are they not working, Alan? 127 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,200 Dance. Dance! 128 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,360 Whoa! 129 00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 130 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:02,080 Are they meant to be for peripheral vision? 131 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:05,000 - They were designed for drivers who had... - Jesus! 132 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,760 LAUGHTER 133 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:12,920 Who had bad eyesight and it was to improve their peripheral vision. 134 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:15,680 But it clearly doesn't work! 135 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:18,960 There'd be no chance of driving in these! 136 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,040 You'd just be like that all the time! 137 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,080 LAUGHTER 138 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:27,800 Well, that's unfortunate. 139 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:31,320 Well... But thank you for trying them and next up is Josh. 140 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,920 - What have you got? - They're very fashionable, aren't they? 141 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,000 Yeah. 142 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,880 No, what you haven't done though... 143 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,440 PHILL: "I will take the red pill." 144 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:40,480 LAUGHTER 145 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,560 - What you haven't... - Oh, I see! 146 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,360 Yeah, you haven't...fully... exploited their... 147 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:47,760 Exactly, what have you got there? Corners. 148 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:49,000 - Now put them on. - Oh! 149 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,480 No, they're exactly the same... 150 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:57,680 If I were to tell you that these are, despite their modern look, 151 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,360 they're actually WAY over 100 years old. 152 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,240 They're mid-19th century. 153 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:04,240 What do you think they might help with? 154 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:09,000 - Um... - If I were to say one of the great British love stories... 155 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,040 Oh! 156 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,320 - Wow. - Very good. 157 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,840 - They just keep getting... - Yeah, the gift that keeps giving. 158 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,320 But one of the great British love story movies. 159 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,640 Strangers On A Train... No. 160 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,840 - You're in the right area. - Brief Encounter. 161 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:23,880 Brief Encounter. 162 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,280 How do they meet, Celia Johnson and Trevor Howard in Brief Encounter? 163 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:30,680 - Train station? - It was... He... - She leans out the window... 164 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,640 And pokes him in the eye. 165 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:34,160 She gets something in her eye? 166 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,120 She gets a smut in her eye, he's a doctor, 167 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:37,680 he comes with a hanky... 168 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,560 The basic thing is... 169 00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,680 From the open carriage days of railways onwards, 170 00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:45,560 because of steam, smuts, so on, people got really stung in the eyes. 171 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,520 - And these were railway spectacles. - I'm sorry, who's speaking now? 172 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,360 LAUGHTER 173 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,600 That makes no sense! 174 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,560 And yet it's funny. 175 00:08:56,560 --> 00:09:00,840 So, if she'd had a pair of these, that wouldn't have been quite the film it was, would it? 176 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,760 It really wouldn't. It would've lasted about ten minutes. 177 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,800 If he'd had a pair of these on, he'd have poked her eye out! 178 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:10,080 I think I could tell what they do better, Josh, if you'd dance for me. 179 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,560 LAUGHTER 180 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:15,680 APPLAUSE 181 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,280 - Never got that reaction before! - Yeah. 182 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:21,040 I wish I'd brought more Edam. 183 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:25,360 Is that a kind of ecstasy cheese? 184 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,080 Oh, there's a thing the drug dealers haven't thought of... 185 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:33,160 - Ecstasy cheese! - ..psychotropic cheeses! 186 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,600 - ALAN: Edam. - Edam. 187 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,720 Jo, it's your turn. 188 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,520 Oh, you've got a bonnet. 189 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:43,880 Lovely bonnet. 190 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,120 Oh, and something hanging from it, there you are. 191 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,600 LAUGHTER 192 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,680 How cool is THAT? 193 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:54,160 That's great, isn't it? 194 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,080 You are Mrs Norris in Mansfield Park. 195 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,160 It's a Jane Austen moment. 196 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:01,080 "Holmes, I never realised it was you!" 197 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,240 I can't see a bloody thing through it, though. 198 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,640 What am I supposed to be able to see? 199 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:11,120 I honestly think you look absolutely gorgeous. 200 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,360 If there had been... 201 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:17,360 If there had been a character from Mansfield Park in Colditz, she... 202 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,040 "So... 203 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:25,200 "So, you vish to escape from mein prison camp. 204 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,960 "Not before we have done a little embroidery, no?" 205 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,640 LAUGHTER 206 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:35,320 I think it's more sort of Dickensian, isn't it? 207 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,520 Like Mrs Gamp, the elderly prostitute. 208 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:43,160 "I say, sir, let me see your penis." 209 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,400 Now, this is what these goggles were for! 210 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:50,120 She's got the idea, that one! These are definitely Dutch. 211 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,400 - I'm going to have to... - "Even with my monocle, it's awfully small." 212 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,720 Oh! 213 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,200 You know how to make a man feel very, very unhappy. 214 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,920 SHE MOUTHS 215 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:05,080 Enough, enough. I have... I have the most delicate from this museum... 216 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:08,400 It's a fan. It's an eventail. 217 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,920 Beautiful fan, for fanning yourself, obviously, 218 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,480 but it has a secret lens in the middle, 219 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:16,960 so I can see what you're doing. 220 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:20,120 So it allows people who apparently are fanning themselves 221 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,560 and not taking any notice of anyone else 222 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,400 to have a very... 223 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,880 - I'm not going to lie to you... - Yeah. 224 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:31,440 There is a slight different technique when you start looking at me to when you're fanning yourself. 225 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,480 - STEPHEN LAUGHS - Mm! 226 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,680 God, you're really fanning yourself very slowly there, Stephen. 227 00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:41,400 Rrrreow! 228 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,000 - Yeah... - I think I'm putting these back on. 229 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:48,000 - Yes, and they were very popular. - I've just actually... 230 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,120 A friend of mine.... Cos, like, opera glasses always seem really 231 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,080 - old-fashioned, don't they? - Aren't they? Mm. 232 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,760 And he was at the theatre with his elderly aunt, 233 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:58,680 she'd never seen them before, and she said, "How do these work?" 234 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,000 He said, "You just put your money in 235 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:04,080 "and then you can see what's going on onstage," and she went, 236 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:05,360 "Can't see a thing!" 237 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,000 LAUGHTER 238 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,360 Oh, that's very sweet. 239 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:12,520 So, good, excellent. 240 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,720 Name something this lizard is doing as well as running. 241 00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:21,480 ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS 242 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:22,680 Yes, Josh? 243 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,120 Is he worrying what's wrong with his legs? 244 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,400 He might be. 245 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,160 I don't think lizards ever worry. He looks quite cheerful. 246 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:33,200 - What might he be doing, what do all animals do, virtually? - Hunting? 247 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,960 - Hunting, yeah. - Sniffing. 248 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,920 - Sniffing, what does that involve? - Breathing. - Well, uses its tongue. 249 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:40,520 - What do you mean, what does it involve? - Breathing? 250 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,600 - Breathing, Josh said. - KLAXON SOUNDS 251 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:45,520 Oh! Sorry. I was cruel, I pushed you on that. He's not breathing. 252 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,320 That's the strange thing about lizards, 253 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,520 they have to twist their bodies so much 254 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,640 that it compresses their lungs and they can't breathe. 255 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,760 So, they do a bit of a run and then they stop, as we'll see. 256 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,240 He's running, running, running, not breathing at all, 257 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,760 and then he thinks, "Oh, blimey, I need some oxygen!" 258 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,200 - He'll stop. - STEPHEN PANTS 259 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:07,080 It's only when he's straight, only when he's heteros... 260 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:08,920 No, only when he's straight... 261 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,200 that he can... 262 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,720 That's just silly, makes no sense. 263 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:16,400 - ..that he can breathe. - You were like the Oxbridge Johnny Morris, then. 264 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,520 "He's running along, baaa, oh, no." 265 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:23,400 But we have an example. The fastest humans on Earth run which race? 266 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:27,520 - 100 metres. - The 100 metres, and it's said that some 100-metres sprinters 267 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:30,200 don't breathe throughout the race. 268 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,560 I mean, they obviously take gulps in, oxygenate themselves, 269 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,360 get all ready, like that, and then they're running and... 270 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,360 And you see them in slow motion, going... 271 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,720 And then lower down, 272 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,280 "Phedabida, phedabida, phedabida." And, um... 273 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,400 LAUGHTER 274 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,400 - Is that the noise it makes? - That's the noise it makes. - Wow. 275 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,680 When it reaches 20mph, that's the noise it starts to make. 276 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:52,960 Wow! 277 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,160 Yeah, exactly. 278 00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:56,680 "Phedabida!" 279 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:59,920 ♪ Doo doo, do-do-do. ♪ LAUGHTER 280 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,680 I happen to have a friend who was a judge 281 00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,640 - in the Linford Christie lunch box case... - Lookalike competition! 282 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:08,240 - No, lunch box case. - Oh. - Who's that? 283 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,080 I can't remember what it was about, but there was this issue of 284 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,880 his lunch box came up, Linford Christie's lunch box, 285 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:18,800 and the judge said, "What exactly IS a lunch box?" 286 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,760 And I teased him about it, and he said, 287 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,400 "No, no, I want you to understand I knew exactly what it meant, 288 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,400 "but I have to ask on behalf of the jury," 289 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:27,640 that's why judges are always quoted as saying, 290 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,000 "And so what is a muppet precisely? 291 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,520 "Are you saying he was a member of the Beatles? 292 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:35,600 "Are you saying he was a ladybird, or some sort of...?" 293 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,000 No, it's... But, yeah. 294 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:40,560 - I've got a thing. Has anyone else got... - Have you, darling? 295 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:43,200 - LAUGHTER - And it goes "phedabida". 296 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:44,920 LAUGHTER 297 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:49,000 - I can't walk and drink at the same time. - Ah. 298 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,320 I really struggle with it. 299 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:54,200 - Is that normal? - No, I think it is. Who wants to throw in their... 300 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,360 Well, I think you'd have to go slowly, 301 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,040 because the motion creates a wave 302 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,960 - that will slop over the side of the glass. It's just... - Exactly. 303 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,200 ..physics. 304 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,320 LAUGHTER 305 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:09,920 Yeah, the ability to do two things at once. 306 00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:11,960 We can ask the audience and we can ask you, 307 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,800 it's easier for the audience cos of the way they're sitting down. 308 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:18,600 All you have to do is revolve your right foot clockwise. 309 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:23,800 That's easy, isn't it? And then, with your right hand, make a six. 310 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,720 Is your foot suddenly going...? 311 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:30,240 - Oh, wow! That's weird! - Oh, I don't like that. - Isn't that extraordinary! 312 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:33,240 What was it? What foot? Right foot. That's weird. 313 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,440 - Right foot clockwise. - Yeah. - And then do a six. 314 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:39,400 - You have to think about it. - You really do, don't you? - Oh! Oh! 315 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,920 That was instant! 316 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,640 You really have to think about it 317 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,400 to the point where you nearly break your foot off. 318 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,920 You forget what's clockwise. 319 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,320 And you start going up and down and not... 320 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,640 Argh, argh, no! 321 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,240 - I'm absolutely fighting it! - You're in agony. 322 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:59,840 But I couldn't do the six, I couldn't finish the six. I just did a C. 323 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,720 Yes. Exactly. It's a bitch, isn't it? It's really fascinating. 324 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,320 Oh, I'm going to remember that one. 325 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:07,760 People say, "What do you remember from QI?" And I remember nothing! 326 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,320 - Even if you watch your foot. - Yeah. 327 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:13,440 I mean, this isn't great television, what I'm doing at this moment. 328 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:17,480 You can raise your foot, put your foot on the desk if you want. 329 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:20,040 Right, so... 330 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:22,920 - glad I wore my natty socks today. - Yeah, they've very natty. 331 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,360 Argh! 332 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,000 It is fascinating, isn't it? 333 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,240 I can't even remember what a six looks like! 334 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,840 LAUGHTER 335 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,360 Oh, little Alan, I'm so sorry! 336 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,680 I won't able to walk, I'll be going... 337 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:45,040 "Aah, help me-e-e-e!" 338 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,840 Just tracks on the pavement. 339 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,560 - Well, you're absolutely right. - Like a Dalek on the stairs. 340 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,560 Did you find that when you were filming Jonathan Creek or something 341 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,720 that sometimes you suddenly kind of forget how to walk? 342 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,040 Because the camera's on you and... 343 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,080 "Oh, do I? How... Oh!" 344 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:06,600 - Do you ever get that or...? - (No.) 345 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,120 - No. Oh, well... - LAUGHTER 346 00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,120 - Damn you! - Sorry! 347 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:11,600 All right. 348 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,640 Lizards can't breathe and walk at the same time 349 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:15,520 and our audience are even worse. 350 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,960 Lizards have four legs, but what's got eight legs, 351 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,360 sits in the middle of a spider's web, 352 00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:23,400 but is NOT a spider? 353 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,640 ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS 354 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,760 - Jo Brand? - One and a half flies. 355 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,080 LAUGHTER 356 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:34,440 - And the half a fly has lost a leg. - Wouldn't that be nine legs? 357 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:39,480 No, and the half has lost a leg, that's been eaten. 358 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:43,560 - In theory, that is right. - If... Yes, why... 359 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,280 Don't you hate it when you try and help a spider 360 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:49,920 and it resists you, and then one of its legs comes off. 361 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,480 - Don't you hate that? - That is so annoying! 362 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,600 Just get on the paper! And daddy-longlegs, they're even worse. 363 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,040 - Yeah, they are. - You'd think the spider could do the six 364 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,200 and the clockwise with its two legs. 365 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,680 It probably can, EASILY. 366 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,560 Yeah, it's laughing up its sleeve at us. 367 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:07,120 If they have sleeves, eight sleeves, it's laughing up its eight sleeves. 368 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,520 This does seem very bizarre. 369 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,000 It sits in the middle of a web, has eight legs, 370 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,720 looks exactly like a spider, but it isn't a spider. 371 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,160 Is it an unlucky octopus? 372 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,000 - A beached octopus. - A beached octopus! 373 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:22,480 - Well, given... - Is it some sort of predator that wants to eat spiders? 374 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,800 - Is it one of those? - Actually, it's the reverse. 375 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,880 It's a spider that wants to DETER predators, 376 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,680 so it creates a fake spider. 377 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,320 - Shut up! - There. 378 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,280 That's made of its dead skin, 379 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,400 it's made of leaf mould. It's made of all kinds of bits and pieces. 380 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,080 There you can see the sort of body, 381 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:39,880 you only see four of the legs there, 382 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,280 it's already making a woman in the audience wet herself. 383 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,120 LAUGHTER 384 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:47,320 - Did someone just make that? - A spider did. 385 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:50,800 - Oh, is that real? - Spiders make them. That's the point, they make them. 386 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,400 - Is that to scale? - Well, it's... 387 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:58,520 Almost, in the sense that it's five times bigger than the actual spider. 388 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,320 So, the spider is quite small and it makes this enormous spider, 389 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,800 and sometimes, it lives in a pouch in the abdomen, 390 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,840 and no-one's quite sure why. They think it may be to deter predators, 391 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,520 because it looks too big, or it may be to suggest 392 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,080 to other spiders that you can't steal this web, 393 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:16,120 - because it's occupied. - It's like a scarecrow, really, isn't it? 394 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:19,600 Basically, yeah. Or turning your lights on in your house to put burglars off. 395 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,520 - It may just be a hobby. - Yes. 396 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,080 LAUGHTER 397 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:29,280 When your life is sitting in the corner of a shed eating flies... 398 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:32,200 - You need a hobby. - You've got to have something, haven't you? 399 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,080 It is in the middle of the Peruvian jungle, 400 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,000 where there are not so many sheds. 401 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,000 They don't even eat them, do they? They drink them. They what? 402 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,000 Because they wrap them up in their silky web 403 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,040 and then the prey dissolves into a fluid 404 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,280 and then they suck it when it's a liquid thing. 405 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:51,040 - "Hmm, that's good eatin'." Yeah, isn't it? - Yeah. 406 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,600 The amazing thing is, and this is really extraordinary, 407 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,840 is that another species of spider altogether, 408 00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:59,200 as far away as you can virtually get on the planet, 409 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:03,080 11,000 or so miles away, across from Peru in the Philippines, 410 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:06,360 does almost exactly the same thing and nobody knows 411 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,880 if that's convergent evolution or whether it's... 412 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:12,280 It'd be a weird raft that managed to get all the way across that amount of water. 413 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:15,640 - It's just God, Stephen, it's just God. - Just God. 414 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,160 LAUGHTER 415 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,800 I overlooked that possibility. 416 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,480 - Mysterious ways, mysterious ways. - Very mysterious ways. 417 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:28,480 So, that's the Peruvian spider that makes huge models of itself. 418 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,400 Are those spiders to scale? 419 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,080 LAUGHTER 420 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,440 Because, I'm telling you now, 421 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:37,960 Japan are going to be all over that. 422 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:43,200 IN JAPANESE ACCENT: "Oh, no! Giant spider, no!" 423 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:49,720 I quite like this map behind Alan, because it looks like... 424 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:52,680 "And now the spider forecast with Alan Davies. 425 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,440 "South America, large, red." 426 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,400 It's like when you're on a plane and they have the map 427 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:01,080 with the little plane, if you turned it on and it was that, 428 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:02,560 you'd shit yourself. 429 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:05,880 It always has such random cities on it as well, doesn't it? 430 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:08,880 - It doesn't have like Paris, Rome, Venice. - Yeah, King's Lynn! 431 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,800 - LAUGHTER - Yeah, exactly, it's very strange. 432 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:14,080 I never quite understood that. Very peculiar. 433 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,880 Anyway! Peruvian spiders make huge models of themselves 434 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,880 and put them in the middle of their webs. 435 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,480 Speaking of things with lots of legs, 436 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:24,240 why can I never seem to catch the perfect centipede? 437 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,360 ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS 438 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,920 - Yes, Jo? - Is it cos you're too pissed all the time? 439 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,520 LAUGHTER 440 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:34,320 - Why, thank you for that(!) - Just a guess. 441 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,000 A lucky guess! 442 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,720 Cos they don't have 100 legs. 443 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,480 - They don't have 100 legs. - No. 444 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,040 - Well remembered! - They don't. We had it on this show. 445 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,480 - We did. - LAUGHTER 446 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,040 But it was a long time ago. 447 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 448 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:55,040 You're absolutely right, but that's not the reason one won't catch a perfect one 449 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:59,120 cos you could have a perfect one that had...98 legs 450 00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:00,960 because what would 98 legs mean? 451 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,960 That it had how many pairs of legs? 452 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,960 - 49. - 49. 453 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:06,400 49. 454 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,760 But why can't it have 100? 455 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,400 That'd be 50 pairs... 456 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,440 - No reason. - There is a reason. - Does it have to have an odd number of pairs? 457 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:13,880 Yes, an odd number of pairs. 458 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,840 For some reason, all centipedes have an odd number of pairs of legs 459 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,600 but that's not the reason I can never catch a perfect one, 460 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,040 cos a perfect centipede would have, say, 102 legs. 461 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,120 The legs are amazing. 462 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:25,120 - Astounding. - They go in a kind of wave. 463 00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:27,120 Yes, they do. It's not... 464 00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,840 Not at the moment cos it's climbing, but when it starts walking, 465 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:31,680 they go in a wave. Ooh! 466 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,880 - LAUGHTER - Yeah. - That's only got about... 467 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:38,080 - If only they were massive, I wish they were massive and they went down the - high street. Oh, don't! 468 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:41,600 No, but nice and benign and friendly - "Hello, morning!" 469 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:49,000 Like if all vicars were centipedes or something. 470 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:54,440 - It's just a fact of life, everyone just accept it. - Yeah. 471 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,240 Anyway, moving on... 472 00:22:56,240 --> 00:23:00,200 If I caught a 102-footed centipede that would be a perfect centipede, 473 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,680 but I'm talking about why I can't catch a perfect one. 474 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,280 They're elusive. 475 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:07,680 They are elusive, but that would be not being able to catch one. 476 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,320 Is it cos nobody's perfect? 477 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:11,680 LAUGHTER 478 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:15,440 That's a lovely point. No, it's really because if you chase them 479 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:17,920 - and you start to try and catch them... - Their legs fall off. 480 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,680 - They jettison legs. - They throw them at you. 481 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:24,160 - Well, they kind of do. - LAUGHTER 482 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,280 That's basically what they do! 483 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:27,800 Exactly! 484 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,200 LAUGHTER 485 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:34,400 They do! You've got it. That's what they do. 486 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,360 APPLAUSE 487 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,240 In order to distract a predator, they jettison their legs. 488 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,400 So, it stops, the predator will go, 489 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:45,320 "Ooh, I'll have an eat of that leg," and meanwhile, they're haring off. 490 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:49,080 - God's weird, isn't he? - He really is. A strange fellow. 491 00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:52,680 Very strange fellow. And there are lizards that use a similar technique in Pakistan, 492 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:55,240 the leopard gecko has a tail that it can shed, 493 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,680 which will keep moving for really quite a considerable time 494 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,400 after it's been discarded, about... 495 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:01,920 - Keep moving, you say? - Yep. 496 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,080 Yeah, that's one hot gecko. 497 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,720 It's called autotomy. It is self-amputation, if you like, 498 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,720 but it literally will drop its tail and the tail will wiggle 499 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,880 for half an hour after it's been separated from the parent body, 500 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,800 which is... As you say, God is amazing. 501 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:22,880 Yeah, so there you go. Autotomy. 502 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:24,920 And speaking of abandoned body parts, 503 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,560 which body part beginning with L 504 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:31,240 did Queen Victoria leave with the Empress of France? 505 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:33,200 There's Queen Victoria, and there's the... 506 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,040 - I was going to say labia and that would be just awful. - I know. 507 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,240 What were you going to say? 508 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:39,120 - KLAXON SOUNDS - Oh! 509 00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:42,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 510 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:45,240 Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear. 511 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:47,760 - We're off! - Is it her little finger? 512 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:51,600 - Liver, larynx. - Is it a lock of hair? - Lock of hair is the right answer! 513 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:55,080 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Brilliant! 514 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,880 But she virtually invented this sort of 515 00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:01,240 Victorian sentimental obsession with locks of hair. 516 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:05,120 When her husband died, she kept lots of Albert's hair, but she gave... 517 00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:07,800 - They've taken the photo away, but really... - I know. 518 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,240 ..she looks so pissed off that her crown doesn't fit her. 519 00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:13,960 - It just looks like a complete... - Shall we go back? - Yes, can we? 520 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:15,000 ..comedy crown! 521 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,360 "No, honestly, it's absolutely meant to be this size." 522 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:22,000 "It doesn't fit me!" "Yes, yes, honestly, it's exactly as intended." 523 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:25,480 "It's for a child!" "No, no, no..." 524 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:30,240 - The Empress is going, "My bonnet's perfect." - It is. 525 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:34,040 It's rather like Jo's bonnet. It was, your monocle bonnet. 526 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:38,400 Yeah, exactly. Aw, you could be the Empress of France. 527 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,320 Double vision. Yes. Do you think I could be the Empress of France? 528 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,600 - Easily. - "Let them eat cake!" 529 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:45,920 So, let's cut to what she gave. 530 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:47,960 It was a bracelet made of her own hair. 531 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,440 It's an astonishing gift. 532 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,160 But this was what Victorians were obsessed with. 533 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:55,920 Knitting, braiding, plaiting, making things out of hair. 534 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:59,240 Artists powdered hair down. Do you remember those things, as a child, 535 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:02,920 when you would put glue, like Pritt, the non-sticky sticky stuff on it, 536 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:05,560 and then you would sprinkle glitter? Do you remember that? 537 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:09,200 - Copydex. - Or Copydex you could use, which smelt slightly chlorinous 538 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,400 - and was a wonderfully... - Semen. 539 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,520 LAUGHTER 540 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:20,720 - Not angry. - BOTH: Disappointed. 541 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:23,280 LAUGHTER 542 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,800 Dear me. Oh, well. 543 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:28,120 Yeah. That's what artists would do, 544 00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:30,920 they would put glue on and then they'd sprinkle the powdered hair. 545 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:32,840 So, hair was a big kind of deal. 546 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:36,240 Lord Byron was considered the most handsome and extraordinary figure. 547 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:39,360 There you can see a little locket hanging... 548 00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:41,680 Although it's beautifully made as a braid 549 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,080 and with gold, as you can see, and that could be made to fit 550 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,320 into a waistcoat or something, for a man's... 551 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,080 "Here you go, Lady Casterby, 552 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:50,280 "this watch chain is made of my pubes. 553 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:52,880 "Ha-ha! And now a poem!" 554 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:54,960 LAUGHTER 555 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:57,760 Well, Lord Byron didn't necessarily give his own hair away, 556 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,400 it's that he was so handsome and so adored that... 557 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:03,880 - LAUGHTER - That's a painting! 558 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:05,320 But what was wrong with his hands? 559 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:07,880 It was generally agreed by all who met and knew him, 560 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:09,920 he was a hugely charming man. 561 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,880 According to his own diaries anyway. "Lady Tappleton..." 562 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,280 No, no, he had... Letters were written to him, 563 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:17,520 women sent him locks of their own hair. 564 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:19,920 So he used locks of his Newfoundland dog, 565 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,640 which he sent back to the women, which they didn't notice, 566 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:24,720 they thought it was Byron's hair. 567 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:26,040 "Lady Suffolk, 568 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:29,400 "I apologise for giving you mange with my latest gift. 569 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,200 "But meanwhile, I shall come round to your house and I shall rotate 570 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:35,520 "my right foot and draw a six in the air. Ha-ha! Poem?" 571 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:39,000 There's a good reason why that might have been difficult for Lord Byron. 572 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,520 - Oh, of course, yes, yes. - He had a dodgy foot. 573 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,440 Despite that, he managed to achieve a great athletic feat. 574 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:46,720 - He swam. - He swam the...? - Hellespont. 575 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:48,600 - Straits of somewhere. - The Hellespont! 576 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,040 You know these things, you pretend to be an ignorant pig. 577 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:53,160 - LAUGHTER - I only went... 578 00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:56,480 - I mean, sorry! You pretend... - An ignorant what? 579 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,640 No, I meant to say you pretend to be pig-ignorant! 580 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:01,600 - LAUGHTER - And it came out wrong! 581 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 582 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:09,360 Know what I'm going to do with you? I'm going to make you run across a field 583 00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:11,600 and I'm going to pull all your legs and arms off... 584 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:16,440 I don't want to lower the tone, but didn't Lady Caroline Lamb 585 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:21,000 - pull out handfuls of her pubic hair and send them to Byron? - Yes. 586 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:23,880 And she was responsible for the most famous description of him. 587 00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:26,840 - Yes. - "Mad, bad and dangerous to know." 588 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,600 "Dangerous to have tea with." 589 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:31,440 Fabulous woman. There was a movie about her, I think Sarah Miles... 590 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:32,800 - Yeah. - JO: Oh, that's right. 591 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:35,480 Yeah. Yeah, Sarah Miles, she used to drink her own pee. 592 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,120 - Yes, she was a urinobibe. - Yep. 593 00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:40,480 As was the Prime Minister of India, Morarji Desai, 594 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:42,600 who became prime minister at the age of 80. 595 00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:44,280 And he drank his pee every day. 596 00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:47,560 Anyway, the Empress Eugenie, her name was, 597 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:50,360 and she was the wife of Napoleon III. 598 00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:54,000 There's Eugenie. She had a fantastic real name - 599 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:58,360 Dona Maria Eugenia Ignacia Augustina 600 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:03,520 de Palafox-Portocarrero de Guzman y Kirkpatrick. 601 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:04,920 - That was her name. - Kirkpatrick. 602 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:05,960 Yeah. 603 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:08,440 - APPLAUSE - Thank you. - Crikey. 604 00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:12,960 But what was very pleasing is that she was known as "Carrots". 605 00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:15,720 Because that was her nickname at school in Bristol, 606 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:17,960 where she lived, and she died in Britain as well. 607 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:20,480 I had no idea that we had a hipster Napoleon. 608 00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:22,600 - Yeah, he was a hipster, yeah. - Check him out. 609 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:25,320 - Yeah, he's pretty good. - "Er, can I have a flat white, please?" 610 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:27,880 LAUGHTER 611 00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:31,480 "No, the jacket, I got it in this vintage place, it's great." 612 00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:36,320 Yes. Queen Victoria gave the Empress of France 613 00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:37,880 a bracelet made of her own hair. 614 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:39,240 We move now to a less lovely L - 615 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:41,320 why would you put a leech on a leash? 616 00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:45,080 Is it a medicinal leech? 617 00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:47,200 - It's a medicinal leech. - OK. 618 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:49,680 So, basically, there are various places you could put it. 619 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:51,320 Where might you want a leech to go? 620 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:54,520 No, no! 621 00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:57,160 They've been used for medicinal purposes for centuries. 622 00:29:57,160 --> 00:30:00,000 - They use them in the NHS today, don't they? - Yes, they absolutely do. 623 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:03,200 - Do they? - Yeah. - You put them on a wound, don't you, 624 00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:06,000 and they eat bits that are infected or... No, that's the maggots. 625 00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:09,200 You put maggots on a wound, and they eat the dead flesh. 626 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:10,520 Leeches actually... 627 00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:12,320 - Have I travelled back in time? - No. 628 00:30:12,320 --> 00:30:15,080 LAUGHTER 629 00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:18,720 Those migraine headaches are caused by a demon living in your... 630 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:21,200 HE IS DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER 631 00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:26,120 If you have a member reattached - a finger or some other member - 632 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:28,200 it's kept in ice and then it's sewn back on, 633 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:30,440 and it has a very good prognosis, 634 00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,600 but you can attach leeches and what it does is 635 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:36,680 it actually helps the capillaries join together and thrive. 636 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:40,200 So, it's like a kind of biologically-active cauterising? 637 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:42,280 Yes, yeah, it's really extraordinary. 638 00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:46,040 - Oh, I don't care, I don't want it. - Does it hurt? 639 00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:48,800 - It doesn't really hurt much, no. - How do you know? 640 00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:51,600 Well, I'm told it doesn't hurt. 641 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:54,280 I don't know, you and your public school ways, and... 642 00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:58,120 - "Fry, time for a leeching!" - Yeah, it doesn't... 643 00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:00,520 "Scrotum." 644 00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:03,760 "Yes, sir?" 645 00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:04,960 "Get Fry." 646 00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:08,200 It doesn't hurt as much as double... 647 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,480 "It's time for his leeching." 648 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:14,840 "What do you want, Scrotum?" "It's time for your leeching, Fry." 649 00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:18,160 It doesn't hurt as much as Dr Staveley slamming your dick 650 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:19,760 in the desk, I admit. 651 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:23,800 It's... Look, I love to shock you, it's sweet. 652 00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:26,520 Do you remember John Wayne Bobbitt? 653 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:29,000 - Oh! - Oh, yeah. - John Wayne Bobbitt. 654 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:30,680 Yeah, he went to Winchester... 655 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:33,800 No, no, of course I remember Bobbitt who severed his wife... 656 00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:35,360 His wife severed his... 657 00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:38,520 Yeah, she cut his penis off and then threw it out the window 658 00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:40,920 - of a moving car, so it took some finding. - They took him... 659 00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:44,040 They sewed it back on, then he made some money out of porn films, weirdly! 660 00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:46,560 Yeah, he must have been rather impressed that a penis 661 00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:48,520 that took some finding was found. 662 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:50,040 He must have thought, "Yes!" 663 00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:53,200 Let's hope they found the right one, that would have been a disaster! 664 00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:56,000 - LAUGHTER - Stop it. 665 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,960 Yeah. I can imagine him at the line-up. 666 00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:03,000 "Can I see number three again?" 667 00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:07,920 You're too used to that programme, that's just sick. 668 00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:12,160 Yep, they were often popped up on a leash, up the bottom, 669 00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:13,880 to deal with intestinal problems. 670 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:15,720 - Oh, up the inside? - Yep, or down the throat 671 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:17,360 to deal with bronchial problems. 672 00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:18,800 - Ooh. - Yeah, exactly. 673 00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,800 I know, or you could actually use them on the scrotum 674 00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,800 for strained testicles. Have you ever had strained testicles? 675 00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:27,760 - I'd rather have leeches on my balls. - JOSH: What, as a pudding? 676 00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:29,360 Hang on! 677 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:33,560 - One doctor wrote... - Yeah, strained testicles and custard. 678 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:40,000 That's what prunes are. 679 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:41,560 That's prunes. 680 00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:44,880 Yeah, and as I say, these days they're used to encourage 681 00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:47,080 capillary growth on severed members. 682 00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:49,360 Doctors USED to put leeches on leashes 683 00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:50,880 to send them up patients' bottoms. 684 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:54,360 Now, what did Georgian gentlemen keep in the sideboard 685 00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:55,880 for after dinner? 686 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:58,200 Small Georgian ladies. 687 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,520 - After Eights. - After Eights! 688 00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:03,480 LAUGHTER 689 00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:04,680 Porn. 690 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:06,720 After 1713, it would be. 691 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:08,600 Porn. Well, actually, it was something 692 00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:12,000 that disgusted a French observer and he wrote about it in a letter. 693 00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:14,840 So, you've got a chance here for serious points. 694 00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:16,400 Ah, Alan, quickly! 695 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:19,000 Shut up, he's done it before me! JAUNTY JINGLE, FLUSHING 696 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:21,800 Oh, there we are, two of you, three of you. 697 00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:24,080 You all get the points except Jo, I'm afraid. 698 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:25,720 The fact is, it was chamber pots. 699 00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,080 It was Rochefoucauld, not the famous Rochefoucauld, 700 00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:30,880 but another Rochefoucauld, Francois de la Rochefoucauld, 701 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:33,760 who wrote in his diary "The sideboard..." 702 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:36,000 This was in Suffolk, in 1784, 703 00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:38,840 "The sideboard is garnished also with chamber pots in line 704 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:43,240 "with the common practice of going over to the sideboard to pee, 705 00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:45,040 "while the others are drinking. 706 00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:47,320 "Nothing is hidden. I find that very indecent." 707 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:49,640 Chamber pots lasted well into the 20th century, 708 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:52,800 because there were many households that weren't on mains supplies. 709 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:54,720 - Many of them... - They didn't have a WC. 710 00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:56,080 Exactly, they had outdoor loos 711 00:33:56,080 --> 00:33:58,520 and they popped a chamber pot under the bed. 712 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:01,120 And chamber pots were, I won't say exactly witty, 713 00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:02,760 but they had things written on them 714 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:06,320 which were quite surprising, really, thinking of a previous age 715 00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:09,120 where you imagine people were rather more prudish. Look at these. 716 00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:12,320 "Use me well and keep me clean. 717 00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:15,000 "And I'll not tell what I have seen." 718 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:18,480 So, you pooed onto an eye. Or you peed onto an eye. 719 00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:21,200 And there were some during the Second World War that had 720 00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:23,800 a picture of Hitler, so you could poo on Hitler's face. 721 00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:25,720 Which is pleasing in a way. 722 00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:27,000 That's your chamber pot. 723 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:30,000 Now, it's time to dip the crouton of confidence 724 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:33,920 into the all-melting fondue of General Ignorance. 725 00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:37,040 What kind of wine goes best with a human liver? 726 00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:40,200 Oh! A Chianti. 727 00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:43,760 - Whoa! - KLAXON SOUNDS 728 00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:47,720 That's what Hannibal Lecter says. 729 00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:51,000 - That's what he says in... - In Silence Of The Lambs. 730 00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:54,280 - "I'll have some fava beans and a fine Chianti." - What are fava beans to...? 731 00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:56,720 - Little white beans, aren't they? - To reclaim your... 732 00:34:56,720 --> 00:34:59,800 - What would we call them in England? - Butter beans? Broad beans? 733 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:03,120 Broad beans, yeah, you get a few points back from the massive deficit 734 00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:04,360 that you've already... 735 00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:07,960 Um, yeah, it's in the novel. Who wrote the novels involved with...? 736 00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:10,280 - Thomas Harris. - Thomas Harris is right. 737 00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:14,520 He, being rather sort of smart and giving Hannibal Lecter good taste, 738 00:35:14,520 --> 00:35:17,440 knew that something fatty and greasy like a liver is not 739 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,160 complemented well by a Chianti. 740 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:20,920 He knew that it was best accompanied 741 00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:23,360 by something a little more full-bodied. 742 00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:26,040 Something like, for instance, an Amarone, 743 00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:27,720 which is what is in the novel. 744 00:35:27,720 --> 00:35:30,840 Which is a sort of Valpolicella-type wine, 745 00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:33,720 - and that is... - Why did they change it, Stephen? 746 00:35:33,720 --> 00:35:36,640 Because they felt most people hadn't heard of an Amarone 747 00:35:36,640 --> 00:35:39,280 and they might think it was some sort of biscuit or something. 748 00:35:39,280 --> 00:35:41,880 They're quite correct. It sounds like an amaretto. 749 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:45,640 - It is like an amaretto, exactly. - What, Hollywood dumbing something down? 750 00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:48,720 - Yeah, I know, it's hard to believe, isn't it? - What the F?! 751 00:35:48,720 --> 00:35:51,320 "White wine with meat? Eurgh!" 752 00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:55,440 But why would it have been a rather disastrous decision to eat 753 00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:57,680 - a human liver anyway? - Toxic? - Yes, they are toxic. 754 00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:02,360 - Do you know what the toxin is? - No. - Is it vitamin something? - Yes. 755 00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:04,800 - Vitamin E? - Actually, A. - A. 756 00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:06,480 A lot of vitamins can't be stored. 757 00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:08,640 As you know, vitamin C, you pee out the residue, 758 00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:11,560 so the idea of taking these 5,000 milligrams a day is just... 759 00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:13,960 - That's why you have bright yellow wee. - Exactly. 760 00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:15,560 You're giving the rats the vitamin C. 761 00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:17,920 You're giving the rats the vitamins, precisely! 762 00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:21,400 They grow more and more immune and stronger daily! 763 00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:25,360 "Why, they'll be as powerful as the Prime Minister of India!" 764 00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:30,080 "I'm recycling!" 765 00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:33,680 But, yeah, the liver, it stores vitamin A, 766 00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:36,240 which in excess can be quite dangerous. 767 00:36:36,240 --> 00:36:37,760 Helps you see at night, though. 768 00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:40,080 Livers can regenerate themselves, did you know that? 769 00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:43,040 - Like Doctor Who. - Like Doctor Who, yeah. 770 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:46,200 There's the liver drawn by... 771 00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:48,240 - Da Vinci. - Yeah, Leonardo, 772 00:36:48,240 --> 00:36:51,640 and you can see there his famous mirror writing, which is... 773 00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:54,400 I know the drawings are amazing enough, but as a boy, 774 00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:57,400 I tried using a mirror to write mirror writing, it's just... 775 00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:00,520 I mean, you think drawing a six with your hand and doing a... 776 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:02,400 Why did he do that? 777 00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:05,800 No-one's quite sure why he wanted it to be secret, but he did. 778 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:08,080 - For Dan Brown! - Yes! 779 00:37:08,080 --> 00:37:12,840 - LAUGHTER - For the one who was... - Whoooo! 780 00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:15,960 Whoooo! 781 00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:20,960 "There's secrets in the Vatican, Josh. Let's go and find them." 782 00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:24,320 I'm genuinely uncomfortable in this situation. 783 00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:28,040 If you use those goggles you can see the map. 784 00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:30,080 PHILL GASPS No?! 785 00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:33,000 The amazing thing, the magical thing about livers is 786 00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:35,240 if you take a small liver from a small dog, 787 00:37:35,240 --> 00:37:38,640 and you transplant it into a large dog, the small liver will grow to 788 00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:42,080 the size it would have been in the bigger dog, which is extraordinary. 789 00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:43,120 - (Shut up!) - Wow. 790 00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:44,160 Yes. 791 00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:48,080 You see, I often run out of things to do with the children at weekends. 792 00:37:48,080 --> 00:37:51,880 - Now you know. - We're going to try that. Yeah. 793 00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:55,280 Now, also you know a fantastic slang word 794 00:37:55,280 --> 00:38:00,560 and it's a liver-disturber, and it's American 19th-century slang for? 795 00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:03,120 - An alcoholic? - No. 796 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:04,800 A huge dong. 797 00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:07,600 - A huge dong? - Yeah, a liver-disturber! 798 00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:10,240 ALL GROAN 799 00:38:10,240 --> 00:38:13,480 - Oh! - Oh! We think... Exactly! 800 00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:17,400 We think WE'RE sick?! These are Victorian Americans! 801 00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:19,280 "I got a tonsil-troubler!" 802 00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:22,360 LAUGHTER 803 00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:27,560 Have you heard the prank call... 804 00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:31,680 A guy phones up the pizza place and he goes, "Do you deliver?" 805 00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:34,480 - Oh, no! - And he says, "Yes, we deliver." 806 00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:39,160 And he goes, "All right, I'll have liver, cheese, onion, olives..." 807 00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:40,800 "We don't have any liver." 808 00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:42,040 "Do you DELIVER?" 809 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:46,680 "Yes, we deliver." "Right, I'll have liver..." 810 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:50,400 - And it goes on... - Oh, that is... 811 00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:53,160 It's very likely on the interweb. It's very funny. 812 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:55,120 Excellent, I'll look it up. 813 00:38:55,120 --> 00:38:57,120 Now, who sat in the middle at the Last Supper? 814 00:38:57,120 --> 00:38:59,040 - SPANISH ACCENT: Jesus. - Jesus? 815 00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:01,640 Oh... KLAXON SOUNDS 816 00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:05,040 No matter how you pronounce it, it wasn't he. 817 00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:07,800 JOSH: Judas. 818 00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:11,760 Nor was it Judas, the traitor. 819 00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:13,920 - Peter. - No-one. 820 00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:15,920 Nor was it Peter. No-one is the right answer. 821 00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:19,120 - No-one's in the middle. - No, it's not that no-one was in the middle... 822 00:39:19,120 --> 00:39:20,760 it's that no-one sat. 823 00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:24,280 - Oh, shut up, they're all standing! - Yeah! 824 00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:27,240 - LAUGHTER - No, they're not standing. 825 00:39:27,240 --> 00:39:29,920 FUNNY ACCENT: Shut up! You shut up! 826 00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:31,680 LAUGHTER 827 00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:34,440 - I don't shut up, you shut up! - LAUGHTER 828 00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:36,800 You don't tell me to shut up! 829 00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:38,160 No, the... 830 00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:40,320 Stop, stop it now! 831 00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:41,960 Just stop it now! 832 00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:45,040 The thing is, in Palestine, which was a Roman province, 833 00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:47,960 they ate like Romans. They lay on their stomachs like Romans. 834 00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:49,720 That can't be good for digestion, can it? 835 00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:51,360 No, you'd think not, 836 00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:54,720 but we know that's the way they ate, more or less, because in the Bible, 837 00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:57,080 "Now there was one leaning on Jesus' bosom, 838 00:39:57,080 --> 00:39:58,880 "one of his disciples whom Jesus loved." 839 00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:01,560 And that, you know, you kind of see how that would have worked. 840 00:40:01,560 --> 00:40:04,720 That's how they lay to eat. Rather pleasing. 841 00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:08,280 - Very odd, though. - A bit odd, to us, cos we don't do that. 842 00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:11,360 Even in a picnic, you wouldn't want to be lying on your front. 843 00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:12,960 I agree. I don't like it. 844 00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:15,200 I can't even, you know, a hot chocolate in bed 845 00:40:15,200 --> 00:40:17,160 I have to sit up in order to swallow it. 846 00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:18,400 LAUGHTER 847 00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:21,640 There's nothing... There is nothing about that 848 00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:23,880 that is anything other than straightforward! 849 00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:26,120 We were just immediately thinking of the man who sang 850 00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:28,480 Brother Louie in the '70s, that's all we were thinking. 851 00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:32,840 - # I believe in... - # I believe in miracles 852 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:34,000 ♪ You sexy thing... ♪ 853 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:35,680 I'll have to sit up now! 854 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:37,640 LAUGHTER 855 00:40:37,640 --> 00:40:40,400 Oh, lordy, lordy, bless. 856 00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:43,720 Now, nobody sat anywhere at the Last Supper, everyone was lying down. 857 00:40:43,720 --> 00:40:47,280 Well, now, who's in charge of all the ants? 858 00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:49,400 Adam. 859 00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:52,040 LAUGHTER 860 00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:55,040 - KLAXON SOUNDS - Very good, but... 861 00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:58,440 No! 862 00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:01,840 - Yeah. We were there before you, I'm afraid. - Is it a queen? 863 00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:04,920 A queen ant, of course, that's going to get a klaxon as well. 864 00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:07,840 - KLAXON SOUNDS - Oh. 865 00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:11,040 Is it something like the weather or the climate or something? 866 00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:14,840 - The weather probably is as good an answer as any. - And they don't control themselves. 867 00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:17,520 The fact is, they are a self-organising colony. 868 00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:20,480 There is no leader. But there's the queen. 869 00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:23,320 All the queen does is lay thousands and thousands 870 00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:26,080 and thousands of eggs in her life and then dies of exhaustion. 871 00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:28,280 And the ants just get on with being ants 872 00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:30,560 and there are just signals sent between each one 873 00:41:30,560 --> 00:41:32,400 that somehow sort of ripple outwards 874 00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:34,520 into what appears to be organisation. 875 00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:36,600 But it's a bit like flocks of starlings 876 00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:40,360 or shoals of mackerel that have this incredible sort of... 877 00:41:40,360 --> 00:41:42,880 You think, "What's the intelligence behind this?" 878 00:41:42,880 --> 00:41:44,440 It's like the Tartan Army. 879 00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:47,040 LAUGHTER 880 00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:49,120 No-one knows how they do it, but they do it. 881 00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:50,640 They somehow do it. Exactly. 882 00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:52,080 The way, at a football match, 883 00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:54,360 a chant will grow and then suddenly die. 884 00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:57,440 You think, "That's... Who's organising that?" and no-one is. 885 00:41:57,440 --> 00:41:59,800 It's just a sort of feature of large groups. 886 00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:01,080 It's very odd. 887 00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:03,840 And that's true of ants, who are, you know, and termites. 888 00:42:03,840 --> 00:42:08,480 - They love football, don't they? - They love football. They do indeed. - North ants, in particular. 889 00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:10,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 890 00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:17,240 It seems there's no-one in charge of the ants, 891 00:42:17,240 --> 00:42:21,280 but there is someone in charge of the scores, and that's me or I. 892 00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:24,560 And it's very interesting, because in first place, 893 00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:27,800 with a positive integer, one point, Phill Jupitus! 894 00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:30,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 895 00:42:34,480 --> 00:42:37,920 On minus six, in second place, 896 00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:39,160 Jo Brand! 897 00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:41,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 898 00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:47,120 Highly respectable - for him, it's a triumph - 899 00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:49,520 on minus 26, Alan Davies! 900 00:42:49,520 --> 00:42:52,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 901 00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:55,760 So, now, looky here, 902 00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:58,120 on minus 30, Josh Widdicombe! 903 00:42:58,120 --> 00:43:01,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 904 00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:08,480 And so it's thanks and good night from Josh, Phill, Jo, Alan and me. 905 00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:10,400 And we leave you with some last words. 906 00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:12,080 The last words of American murderer 907 00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:15,400 James Allen Red Dog, executed in 1993. 908 00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:19,840 "I'd like to thank my family and friends and Mr Pankowski 909 00:43:19,840 --> 00:43:23,760 "for supporting me and all the others who treated me with kindness. 910 00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:28,280 "For the rest of you, y'all can kiss my ass." Good night. 911 00:43:28,280 --> 00:43:30,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE