1 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:34,200 Hello! 3 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:38,080 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:42,280 and welcome to QI, where tonight we're on lethal form. 5 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,200 Let's meet the death-defying Sandi Toksvig. 6 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:47,400 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:52,600 The death-denying Jason Manford. 8 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:55,720 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,400 The death-dealing Bill Bailey. 10 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,040 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,520 And the drop-dead-gorgeous, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:07,640 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,760 At least one out of 100 has to be complimentary. 14 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,480 - That was very kind. - Yeah. 15 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,880 Now, slay me with your buzzers. Sandi goes... 16 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,920 MACHINE GUN FIRE 17 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:20,960 Jason goes... 18 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,000 HEAVY GUNFIRE 19 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,560 - Wow! - Wow! - Bill goes... 20 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,800 EXPLOSION 21 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:31,240 And Alan goes... 22 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,560 CHILD'S VOICE: Bang, bang, you're dead! 23 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:34,800 LAUGHTER 24 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:36,160 Very good. 25 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:37,640 APPLAUSE 26 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,080 So, before we start, I have to remind you 27 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:45,440 we have in this series a Spend A Penny round, because... 28 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:48,080 CASH REGISTER 29 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:49,720 Exactly. 30 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,720 Because L stands for lavatory, 31 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:56,080 one of the answers will involve lavatories in one form or another. 32 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:57,520 All things lavatorial. 33 00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:59,760 So, if you do spot a lavatory lurking anywhere, 34 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,640 play your joker and if you're right, I'll give you some points. 35 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:04,000 What could be fairer than that? 36 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,440 Now, I'm going to hand out some bags, can you take one 37 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,760 - and give one to Jason, Sandi, there? - Thank you. 38 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:11,080 And you've got yours, I think, already, haven't you? 39 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,040 Now, you should have a bottle with a cork in it, 40 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,120 and I want you, using the bag and the bottle 41 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:16,680 to get the cork out of the bottle. 42 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,480 You can't break the bottle, obviously. 43 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:21,160 Are these...? These are the ones we use when we go dog walking. 44 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:23,480 Yes, they are, they're pooper scooper ones, exactly. 45 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,920 - Are they? - Yeah. But they haven't been used, I promise you. 46 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:28,000 No, obviously. I was going to use the penny. 47 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,120 The people near me have started... Does this happen to anyone else? 48 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:34,040 They pick it up, put it in the bag and then hang it on a tree. 49 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:37,160 Does that happen...? They just leave it hanging on a tree! 50 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,480 Like a Christmas decoration! 51 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,800 Like a really shit Christmas tree - literally. 52 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:44,480 - I think that's a Salford thing, Jason. - I think so! 53 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:47,440 Ooh. I say, Sandi's looking promising. 54 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:50,440 That's definitely the right idea, is to blow down the bag, 55 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,240 but I think we need a little bit more down the bottle. 56 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:54,560 Or as much of it as you can get. 57 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,600 You might use your pen to push, as long as you don't tear the bag. 58 00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,600 BILL: Oh, this is exciting. I don't know what I'm doing. 59 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,520 No. 60 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,360 Oi, that's my catchphrase! 61 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:07,520 - Come in here, rob my phrase.... - I'm just copying what Sandi's doing. 62 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:08,800 Oh, Sandi, Sandi, yeah. 63 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:10,320 Line it up, if you can line it up, 64 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,040 it's going to go, I think. 65 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:13,640 If you can, it's so close. 66 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:17,240 - Oh! - Oh! - Look, we'll show you. One of our researchers, Zara, 67 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,960 she managed to do it and we shot her doing it, so have a look. 68 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,000 - You shot her?! - You shot her! 69 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,120 Watch, there she goes. 70 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,760 If you succeed, we will have to shoot you. 71 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,800 There, there she goes. She's just blown up it. 72 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:32,440 A little bit. There it goes. 73 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:33,680 There. 74 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,280 Well done, Zara. Now... 75 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,000 APPLAUSE 76 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,560 Oh, wait a minute. 77 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,200 - Oh, oh, nearly. - Oh, nearly. 78 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:44,000 You didn't blow enough to provide enough suction, that's the key. 79 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,120 You have to get the bag... 80 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,320 Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring, blow in the bag. 81 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,080 Blow in the bag, we used to blow in the bag. 82 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,880 We'll soon get it out, Mr Mainwaring. 83 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,320 We'll blow in the bag. Don't worry, Mr Mainwaring! 84 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,680 I think Stephen, it's there... 85 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,480 - You've got it? - This is brilliant! 86 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,920 - Don't panic, we'll blow in the bag sir! - See if you can pull. 87 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,280 I don't know what I'm doing. 88 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,640 Oh, yeah. We don't want to stretch the... 89 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,080 I think it's there. You've got it. 90 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,600 Yes! 91 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,120 APPLAUSE 92 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,360 Oh, well done. 93 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:15,040 Brilliant. Now... 94 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,200 No, you haven't got the pressure there. 95 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,520 OK, pop them away. 96 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:21,360 BOTTLE CLANKS 97 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,040 APPLAUSE 98 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:25,840 That's very much one way to do it. 99 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:27,360 No, it can't be done. 100 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,600 But what's really interesting about this is 101 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:34,320 how will this save possibly millions of lives, this trick? 102 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,480 It's not to do with the stent thing, is it? 103 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,480 When they blow up a little balloon into your... 104 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:39,920 No, it's not, it's... 105 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:42,480 People getting corks trapped. 106 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,720 That's not going to save that many lives. 107 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,080 - It might save a lot of distress. - Yes, that's what I mean. 108 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,840 To people who want the cork out of a bottle, but it's not really... 109 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:52,200 Is it the inside of the penis, can we just clear that up? 110 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,520 - Oh! - No, it isn't. - Is it up the bum hole? 111 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:57,480 - No! - In the ear? - In the ear hole? 112 00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,560 - People sticking corks in their ear. - No. This... 113 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:00,840 Is it a common condition? 114 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:03,120 It is, in the Third World especially, 115 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,920 a very common condition and one that causes millions of deaths a year. 116 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:10,760 And that's childbirth fatalities, because of breach births, 117 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,680 and being stuck and so on. 118 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,960 And it took an Argentinian mechanic, 119 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,880 who saw a video clip of the trick. 120 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,400 His name was Jorge Odon, 121 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,920 and he thought, what would be really good... 122 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,280 His name was Corkay? 123 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,040 No, Jorge. He was called Jorge. 124 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:31,160 George in Spanish. I like that idea, his name was Corky. 125 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:34,240 Corky Odon. And he thought that would work on babies. 126 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:37,000 - Already a sucker is used. - Yes, but I just want to be clear. 127 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:41,720 So, you're having trouble giving birth, and a mechanic comes along 128 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,480 - with a plastic bag... - Yeah. - Yeah. 129 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,920 Pushes it in and then goes, "I'm just going to blow." 130 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,840 That's pretty much... 131 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,000 - Don't worry, I've seen a video. - It'll be fine. 132 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,200 - That's exactly... - Seen it on YouTube. 133 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,040 And the obstetrician he showed it to 134 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,880 thought that he was on some hidden camera show and that it was a trick 135 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,680 and that he was going to be made an idiot of. 136 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,080 But he realised that it was a fantastic idea. 137 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,640 Cos before then they... Do you know the device that is used 138 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,160 to try and pull babies out? 139 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,680 - Oh, the forceps. - Well, the forceps is the really old one, 140 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:09,800 but the more common one now is the one on the right. 141 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,560 It's a sort of a sucker thing. 142 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,400 It is a sucker, but it has a particular name. 143 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:14,680 AUDIENCE SHOUT SUGGESTIONS 144 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:17,480 Ventouse. What's the other one being shouted? 145 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:19,560 - Kiwi. - You call it a kiwi? 146 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,280 Yeah. We're student midwives. 147 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:24,320 - Oh, really? Well, then we bow to your superior knowledge. - Yes. 148 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:25,680 Midwifery is a good thing. 149 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,800 Midwifery, it sounds a bit like a sort of 150 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,640 not very noxious fart, doesn't it? 151 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,720 LAUGHTER 152 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:34,080 Sort of mid whiffery. Jolly. It... 153 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:37,280 Can I just say, Stephen, you were, up until then, being so sensitive. 154 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:38,400 Yeah. 155 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,320 "Your job sounds like a fart!" 156 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,560 Odon's method inserts a plastic bag, just as you said, 157 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,920 into the birth canal, under the baby's chin. 158 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:50,520 Air is then pumped in, inflating the bag gently around the baby's head. 159 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,960 There's no danger of suffocation. Why is that? 160 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,560 Because they're not breathing yet. 161 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:56,760 Because babies don't breathe in the womb, exactly. 162 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:58,200 The baby is then safely pulled out 163 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,280 without the damage of bleeding forceps. 164 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,080 And we can see that. 165 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:05,040 - Not in real life. - All right, yes. - Phew. 166 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,600 There you go, and that's the suction power 167 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,720 is on a little calibrated thing, you see. 168 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:14,080 Then you, again, take it away and it's exactly the same principle. 169 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,760 FROM AUDIENCE: It's inconceivable! 170 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,840 Thank you. I hope... 171 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,520 Thank you. Out, out! 172 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,800 I think you've rather misunderstood 173 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,920 the role of audience intervention here. 174 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:29,240 But the way that the device goes around the baby's head, 175 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:32,440 very, very similar to the way the chameleon gets its prey. 176 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:33,720 - Its prey, yes. - You know? 177 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,720 Because the tongue is actually, sort of... 178 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,280 It subsumes the prey and goes round it and then... 179 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,240 Perhaps you could train a chameleon. 180 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,200 To give birth! 181 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:45,640 Just hold one up to the appropriate area. 182 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:46,760 That's a brilliant idea. 183 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,520 I feel sorry for this woman who's already said no to the engineer 184 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:52,160 and then Bill Bailey turns up... 185 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,680 "What about the chameleon?" 186 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:56,200 - Well... - She might not be able to see the chameleon 187 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,640 - if he's been hanging around for a while. - That's true. 188 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:01,360 That would take the stress out of it, it just looks like your arm. 189 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,720 That's true, yeah. 190 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,360 Oh, what's this? Oh, it's just, it's just a patterned shirt. 191 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,800 Yeah, it's fine. 192 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,120 And then it runs up a tree with it. 193 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:12,520 Yeah. That is a disadvantage. 194 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:15,240 Then it gets raised as a chameleon. 195 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,400 - That's not a bad thing. - Yeah. 196 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,240 Everything you said about this, "Why a mechanic?" 197 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:23,960 As Dr Merialdi of the World Health Organization said, 198 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:27,160 with 5.6 million babies a year dying, he said, 199 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,920 for many years, almost centuries, nothing has advanced 200 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,480 in medical science in terms of the delivery of babies, 201 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:35,560 which is a natural process, but it is also a mechanical process. 202 00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:38,520 So perhaps it's not surprising that it's a mechanic 203 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,040 who saw a way through to easing it. 204 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,360 - I love it cos it's so simple. - It is so simple! 205 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,680 It's kind of palm-smacking, isn't it? A lot of doctors 206 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,880 and obstetricians would have thought, "Wow." 207 00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:49,960 One of the great advantages is that throughout the Third World 208 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,720 midwives and nurses can use it without the presence of a doctor. 209 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:55,200 It's an incredibly simple technique and very, very cheap 210 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:58,360 as long as you sterilise everything, obviously, which you would anyway. 211 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,800 - So, good news. - Well done, Corky! 212 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,840 A car mechanic, there, from Argentina 213 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:06,120 will save millions of lives with the cork-in-the-bottle trick. 214 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,480 Suggest some lethal uses for a laptop? 215 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:10,720 Oh, some lethal... 216 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,440 - Smart bombs, guiding smart bombs. - Yeah. - Drones. 217 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,160 Hitting people over the head. 218 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,160 - AS KEIFER SUTHERLAND: - Damn it, Chloe! 219 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:19,560 - Yeah. - Yeah. 220 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,040 That was like he was in the room. 221 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:22,440 Thank you. 222 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,360 I just happen to have been working with him, that's all. 223 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,840 - Oh, please. - Is he nice? Please tell me he's nice. 224 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,120 He's an incredibly nice guy. 225 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:34,000 He really is, everyone adores him on the set. Kiefer, this is. 226 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,200 - Keefa? - Keefa, yeah. - Keefa. - Keefa. 227 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,880 - Keefa, you know. - Oh, Keefa. Oh, yes. 228 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,800 - What's he talking about? - Anyway, he's always on laptops. 229 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,680 I don't know what you're talking about. 230 00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:45,080 - My favourite one is when he talks about... - 24. - Oh, 24, oh. 231 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:46,880 When he talks about parabolics. 232 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,120 - Parabolics. - Where are the parabolics? 233 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,040 I'm like, "Are you saying pair of bollocks?" 234 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,400 That's what it sounds like. Parabolics. 235 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:54,800 Is it still going, then, 24? 236 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,720 Yes. I'm in it, I played the British Prime Minister. 237 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,240 What kind of Prime Minister were you? Were you sage? 238 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,240 Well, it was non-specified in terms of party. 239 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:03,600 Oh. But were you very sage? 240 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,640 Like almost every Prime Minister we've had for the last 20 years! 241 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 242 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,280 Is it really over-the-top London, though, is it like, 243 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:18,200 "Chloe, I forgot my Oyster card!" 244 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,720 - Is it all that? - It is all shot in London. 245 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,040 "I'm at Spitting Fields!" 246 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,400 "There are engineering works! 247 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:29,880 "I'm on a bus replacement service! 248 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,880 "Follow me on the satellite! 249 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,600 "The driver hasn't got a clue where he's going! 250 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:38,520 "What's the best way from Kensal Rise to Ladbroke Grove? 251 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,360 "You can't use the Harrow Road!" 252 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,760 APPLAUSE 253 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,920 I've forgotten what the question was. 254 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,000 Yes, well, lethal uses for a laptop. 255 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,880 Oh, right, so hitting people over the head. 256 00:10:55,880 --> 00:11:00,000 You can leave it on the rear parcel shelf of a car 257 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:03,640 - and you stop too quickly, then, you know. - Yeah. 258 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:08,520 I know this because I went to one of those speed awareness courses, 259 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:13,520 and there's this ex-copper, and he was trying to scare everyone, 260 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:18,520 and he went, "Yes, this lady, lady driver, had a laptop computer, 261 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,400 "a laptop computer on the back... 262 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,160 Mel Smith was in the room for a second. 263 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:25,360 It was, yeah, it was. 264 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:28,840 He talked like that, he went, "Laptop computer, on the back." 265 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,120 It's very Mel Smith. 266 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,320 "On the back shelf, and she stopped too quickly, 267 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:33,920 "took her head clean off. 268 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,600 "Took her head clean off, like a knife through butter." 269 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,000 It's always clean off, isn't it? 270 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,280 And there was a dear old lady next to me, 271 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:44,320 who'd been caught doing 31mph in a built-up area... 272 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:45,960 On a tiny little scooter thing. 273 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,800 Yeah, on a mobility scooter. 274 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,680 - I can't stop! - I can't hold it! 275 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,080 - You'll have to go to a workshop. - Yeah. 276 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:57,120 And she grabbed my hand, she went, "Oh, my God!" 277 00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:00,680 Like that. But, of course, I can't imagine it. 278 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,720 No, actually, we're in Australia 279 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,880 and it's a programme that's written on a computer. 280 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,920 - A virus. - It's nothing to do with the Wi-Fi, is it? 281 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:07,960 - Do they not... - No, no. 282 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,360 It's a specific programme written by a specific person, 283 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:13,080 in order to help someone do something that will end their lives. 284 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,800 - Is it some euthanasia thing? - It's a euthanasia programme, yes. 285 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,800 There's an Australian doctor, called Dr Death - obviously, 286 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,520 - as they always are - and he's rigged up this... - Death machine. 287 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:25,120 ..injection system to a laptop 288 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,800 and you have to answer three questions. 289 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,360 You have to be sane and smart enough 290 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,760 to answer the three questions, yes, positively. 291 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,440 - Do you know what they are? - Yes, I have them for you. - OK. 292 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:37,680 "One - are you aware that if you go ahead to the last screen 293 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,400 "and press the yes button, 294 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,760 "you will be given a lethal dose of medications and die?" 295 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:44,680 So, they're not difficult questions. 296 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:47,280 - No. - Also, I... 297 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,480 I thought it was going to be things like, you know... 298 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,960 - What year was the Battle of Crecy? - Yes. 299 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:55,000 I scroll through a lot of these and just press accept. 300 00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:58,040 That would be my worry. 301 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:01,280 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terms and conditions, I've read them. 302 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,600 Terms and conditions, terms and conditions. 303 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:06,080 The second one is, "Are you certain you understand 304 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:09,280 "that if you proceed and press the yes button on the next screen 305 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:10,560 "that you will die?" 306 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:11,840 Wow. 307 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:14,360 - That's just very clear. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So you press yes again. 308 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,800 - So does it then say, "Are you sure?" - On the third screen... 309 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,280 - Are you sure? Come on now. - In 15 seconds... 310 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:20,760 Have you seen the word "die"? 311 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,880 ..you will be given a lethal injection. Press yes to proceed. 312 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,920 - It's that simple. - That's heavy, man. - Yeah. 313 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,200 SANDI: And where do you get it, Amazon? 314 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,560 No. But... 315 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:34,240 I suppose if you've made the decision, then, you know, 316 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,600 it's finding a... I found a very odd... 317 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,840 I didn't know this was a rule, recently, 318 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,120 I always get headaches when I'm on tour, so I thought, 319 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,360 "Well, I may as well just stock up on paracetamol," 320 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:44,800 cos I go through a couple a night. 321 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:48,200 So, I tried to buy about 48 packets of paracetamol. 322 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,560 No, no, no, no, no. That'll kill you. 323 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:53,360 Well, yeah, obviously I wasn't going to take them all at once, 324 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,640 - but obviously there's a rule. - They don't know that. 325 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:56,880 You're only allowed... 326 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,360 But I just thought to myself, that's saving no-one, is it? 327 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,560 No-one's got to that point and gone, "Oh, can I not? 328 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:03,920 "Oh, I'll stay alive then, thank you very much." 329 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,960 I go into a newsagents and order a bottle of vodka 330 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,520 and they give me a quarter one now. 331 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:10,400 Because they've heard things about me. 332 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,440 Although, there was a moment when the woman embarrassed me 333 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,880 in front of a queue of people, where she said, 334 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,840 "I can't sell you that many paracetamol." 335 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,280 And I went, "Oh, why? Why is that?" 336 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,280 And she said, "It's in case you kill yourself." 337 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,240 She said those words to me. And I, this was my panic, I went, 338 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,320 "What? But there's a load of freezer stuff in there!" 339 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,400 Like, that was my actual point. 340 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,360 Like, that was the logic, you know? 341 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,480 Look in my trolley there, there's some long-life milk, why am I going? 342 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:40,640 Why would I go? 343 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:43,720 Do you think I'm mad? Do you think I'd waste that? 344 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:48,480 There's some Findus crispy pancakes I'm looking forward to! 345 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,920 Yeah, there's a Solero in there, I've got so much to live for! 346 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:55,400 You want to look into that headache thing, 347 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,120 it'll be caffeine-related, I expect. 348 00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:59,680 - You want to flush your system. - I'll do that. 349 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,360 With vodka. 350 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,600 I have to say, the only time I've had morphine was in Copenhagen. 351 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,600 I had kidney stones, they gave me morphine. 352 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,800 I should think so, it's the most painful thing. 353 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,120 And my partner said it was so embarrassing because 354 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,480 I was just lying there going, "I'm filled with honey." 355 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,200 We had Jeremy Clarkson on and he was talking about kidney stones, 356 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,960 said the most painful thing a human being could have. 357 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:25,240 And someone said, "Erm, childbirth, I'll think you'll find." 358 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:29,000 And he said, "Ah, do we have anyone in the audience who has given birth 359 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,800 "to a child and had kidney stones?" 360 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:33,120 - And there was one person. - Course there is! - And he said, 361 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,720 "Which was the most painful?" And she said kidney stones. 362 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:38,200 - Do they zap them with something sonic? - They do now. 363 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,400 I was off my head, I've no idea what they did. 364 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,000 I think they do, they dissolve them and then you pee them out. 365 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,640 What you don't want is someone giving it, "Come here. Come here! 366 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:49,840 "Bend over!" 367 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,040 APPLAUSE 368 00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:00,560 Let's get this chameleon, let's line it up... 369 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,840 with your, er...entrance. 370 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,480 Well, what about suicide booths, where do they exist? 371 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,520 Have you ever seen or heard of them? Soylent Green? 372 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,760 A Harry Harrison novel that was a great movie. 373 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:13,400 There are suicide booths there, used by Matt Groening 374 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,280 in Futurama, rather wonderfully. 375 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,200 So what, you just pop in and kill yourself? 376 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,160 Yeah, there are three modes of death in Futurama - quick and painless, 377 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:23,600 slow and horrible and clumsy bludgeoning. 378 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:27,520 So what, you just put a 50p in or something? 379 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,320 Yeah, that's the idea in science fiction, 380 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:30,960 that people would want to do that. 381 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:35,720 Euthanasia becomes not just a right, but a sort of...fuck it, you know? 382 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,440 - I like a photo booth, though. - Yes. 383 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,080 They've got that retro, you know, Instamatic, 384 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,000 Instagram type thing, you know? 385 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,120 We've sort of gone reverse, cos the photo's getting so perfect, 386 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:47,120 we've now got to a point where we go, 387 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,040 "Get Instagram and make it a bit worse." 388 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,240 I'm going to do an app where you just put, like, 389 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,520 your dad's thumb in the top corner. 390 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:54,640 "Remember this?" 391 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,320 They used to say if you look like your passport photograph, 392 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,440 you're probably not well enough to travel. 393 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,120 That's a very good theory, I like that. 394 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:06,760 The very first job I ever applied for in TV, it said you had to send in 395 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:10,040 your CV and your photograph, and traditionally in show business 396 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,720 it's a sort of 8x10, used to be an 8x10 rather glossy thing. 397 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:16,000 I didn't know that, I went to Victoria Station and, erm... 398 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,400 And the stool was stuck, erm, down low. 399 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,000 So, honestly, I sent in a photograph of the top... 400 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,880 LAUGHTER 401 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:27,120 ..of my head, and they thought it was a joke - so I got the job. 402 00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,360 Really?! 403 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,600 - APPLAUSE - Wow. 404 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:37,120 - There was an actors' directory, no longer used... - Spotlight. 405 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,880 ..called Spotlight, in which you had to give your photograph, 406 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,400 and I remember Barry Humphries had a wonderful one, 407 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,280 just a picture of him like that, not as Dame Edna but it just said, 408 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,480 "Leather and denim roles preferred." 409 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:52,640 I used to try and put things in to see if they'd print them. 410 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,280 Just out of sheer devilment. 411 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,240 Things like, "Can hover." 412 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,320 "Is magnetic." You know? 413 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,680 "I'm OK round chickens." 414 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:06,280 Just to see... 415 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,160 But they never printed them, 416 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,640 - they probably just went, "Silly." - Silly! - "Silly man." 417 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:14,080 "Will hover on demand." 418 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,480 Anyway, yes, this happy little fellow is about to kill himself. 419 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:18,600 How? 420 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,120 Do you recognise that? 421 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,160 - Is it a field mouse? - He's about to kill himself? 422 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,240 He is, by doing something which nature impels him to do, 423 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,480 - which is a suicidal thing to do. - Fling himself off a cliff. 424 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,120 - ALARM BELL - Oh, dear, oh, dear. 425 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,400 Throwing himself off a cliff, 426 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,960 I thought, well, why not? We'll get that one out of the way. 427 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,520 You thought it might be a lemming 428 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,400 - and, anyway, lemmings don't, of course, but... - No, they don't. 429 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,320 It's not a lemming, it's in fact not a rodent. 430 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,840 - Is it not? - No. - Is it a squirrel? - Is it a marsupial? - Squirrel? 431 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:45,880 It is a marsupial, yes, 432 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,960 it's a bit of a convergent how-do-you-do, there. 433 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,760 It's a marsupial, and it's called an antechinus. 434 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,640 Antechinus? Well, what are the natural things? 435 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,560 It's either going to eat something or it's going to drink something. 436 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:59,440 What do animals live to do? They live to eat in order to? 437 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:02,600 - Procreate. - To survive long enough to procreate, to pass on their genes. 438 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,680 So, is it some naughty sex thing that happens? 439 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,200 It's about to have sex, and that is, for it, suicide. 440 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,400 They go on an extraordinary shagging spree. 441 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,960 I mean, it is quite, quite unbelievable. 442 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,920 I have to give you the details, because they're pretty amazing. 443 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,880 It's semelparous, which means it only does it once. 444 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:20,920 And it's about 12 hours on the job 445 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,240 with one female before moving on to the next. 446 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:24,560 It doesn't eat or sleep, 447 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:28,000 it just keeps going in a testosterone-driven frenzy. 448 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,640 Well, never mind about him - that poor female! 449 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,160 Well, that's, then the next one, and the next one. 450 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:35,040 12 hours! She must be chafed. 451 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,760 To get the necessary energy, the males' bodies strip themselves 452 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:44,120 of all their vital proteins and suppress their immune systems. 453 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,480 By the end of the fortnight, they are physiologically exhausted, 454 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:51,280 bald, gangrenous, ravaged by stress and infection and keel over and die. 455 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:52,520 Wow! 456 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:54,920 Russell Brand, take note! 457 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:57,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 458 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,720 - It's pretty grim. - Wow. 459 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:05,320 That sounds like Henry VIII at the end of his life, doesn't it? 460 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:08,440 - It does, somewhat. It is, it is. - Does this happen only once, then? 461 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,480 Yes, semelparous, once in Latin, semel is once. 462 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,400 They're dead before the children arrive? 463 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,080 Very much so. And that, some people think, may be the reason... 464 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:18,320 - Just to get out of childcare. - They can't bear the thought of it. 465 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,800 - Or, if you give it a better gloss, it's in order to... - Food. 466 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,440 ..leave more food for their children. 467 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,280 So, it's 12 hours and then another 12 hours. 468 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,400 - Yeah, yeah. And this lasts for a fortnight, apparently. Yeah. - Wow! 469 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,880 - A two-week mating season. - WOMAN LAUGHING 470 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,480 There's somebody in the audience 471 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,080 remembering her Spanish holiday over there. 472 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:37,000 Ooh! 473 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,320 Magaluf, 1982. Oh. 474 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:41,600 Oh, that was a party. 475 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:44,960 But they aren't the only marsupials with a suicidal sex drive, 476 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:47,720 there's also marsupial cats, which have a wonderful name. 477 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:51,320 - Very good for Scrabble - quoll. - Quoll? - Q-U-O-L-L. 478 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,760 Very good Scrabble word. There's a little quoll. 479 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,040 These are all Australian? 480 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,320 The female northerns, yes, are subjected by males 481 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,040 to bouts of copulation. 482 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,000 It is put here they can last 24 hours, 483 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,680 - with plenty of biting and screeching. - Oh, I say! 484 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,600 They soon get their own back, though. 485 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,080 The post-coital males lose weight, become anaemic, 486 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,440 their scrotums shrink, their fur falls out 487 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,560 - and they get infested with lice. - Oh, wow. 488 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,040 Within a week or two they die 489 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,400 like their mousy cousins, martyrs to their genes. 490 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,480 - Wow. Horrible. - It's grim, isn't it? 491 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:22,240 - It's grim down south. - Even if that was in humans, 492 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:26,280 - I think most men would go, "Ah, may as well!" - Worth it! 493 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:29,120 "I'm here now!" 494 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:31,640 Worth it! What a day! 495 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,160 All the females are sitting around going, "Don't worry, 496 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:35,520 "they'll be gone in a minute." 497 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:40,400 I presume they don't know it's going to happen to them. 498 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,800 No, presumably they'd have no sense of the impending... 499 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,440 There's no three questions. "If you have sex, you will die." 500 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:49,440 - Because they never knew their father. - "Press yes." 501 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:52,480 "Are you sure you want sex?" "Yes!" 502 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:54,520 "Definitely?" "Oh, yes!" 503 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,400 "Here's a picture of somebody who's had sex." 504 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,600 Their father, unfortunately, isn't there to tell them. 505 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,720 - By definition. - "Don't do it!" 506 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:08,080 - So they are, they're railroaded into this. - Just programmed. 507 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:11,400 - Self-destructive shagging frenzy. - Programmed. Deeply programmed. 508 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:13,600 Now, if you had to fight a duel, 509 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:16,520 which weapon would you want your opponent to choose? 510 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:19,440 A - Hot-air balloon? Would that please you? 511 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,360 B - A billiard ball? C - A sword? 512 00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:23,920 Or D - A sausage? 513 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:28,640 - Sausages are fairly non-lethal. - You'd say sausage. 514 00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:31,880 I would think you could get terrible food poisoning from a sausage. 515 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,640 If you had them in a string of sausages... 516 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:38,160 I don't know how you'd use the hot-air balloon as an actual weapon 517 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,920 unless you land on somebody, I don't know how you would... 518 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,800 The rules were, if you challenge someone to a duel, 519 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,920 the person you challenge can choose the weapon and the place. 520 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:48,600 So if you choose a balloon, 521 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,600 - you're choosing... - They'd be in the balloon? 522 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:52,200 They can choose a gun and a balloon. 523 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,920 You can pretty much work out what could therefore happen. 524 00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:58,720 And you would draw straws as to who shoots first. 525 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:01,320 If they're not very good shots, the first one could miss. 526 00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:04,520 It would be a bit annoying if you had chosen guns and balloons 527 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,560 and then got the short straw and he got to shoot first. 528 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,400 - You'd be like, "What's the point?" - Yes. 529 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,440 Although it's not a small target, 530 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,000 it depends how far away it was, of course. 531 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,080 Well, we do have history on our side, 532 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,800 so we can tell a story about the sausage. 533 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,240 There was a scientist, a very eminent scientist, 534 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:24,240 who was rather liberal in his ways, who lived in Prussia, 535 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,120 and who was the great leader of Prussia, 536 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:29,320 who basically unified Germany and was the, what we would call 537 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,640 a prime minister, but he was the Minister President of Prussia. 538 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:35,240 - Bismarck. - Von Bismarck, exactly. 539 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:38,840 And this German pathologist, who was called Rudolf Virchow, 540 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:43,960 so opposed the mighty armaments programme that Bismarck had started, 541 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,920 that he enraged Bismarck who challenged him to a duel. 542 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,200 So, because he got to choose, this doctor, 543 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,280 who was the first man to isolate the pathogen 544 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:56,720 behind pork that had gone off, which is called Trichinella spiralis, 545 00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:59,520 said, "OK, the weapons will be sausages." 546 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:03,320 One of which would be poisonous, toxic, as you say, with this agent, 547 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,360 this pathogen, so he challenged him to a breakfast, essentially, 548 00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:09,280 and Bismarck didn't like the idea, so he called the whole thing off, 549 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,040 which the challenger has the right to do. 550 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:12,640 - So, it's a sausage roulette? - Yeah. 551 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,960 Yeah, basically, sausage roulette. 552 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,520 Yeah. But with only two. 553 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,600 And so you had a 50/50 chance of dying, 554 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,320 so that's a pretty dangerous duel, a sausage duel. 555 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,240 So, moving from the sausage to the balloon. 556 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,160 Monsieur Grandpre and Monsieur de Pique. 557 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:29,080 We're going to get quite French, because you know what they're like. 558 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:32,600 In 1808, there was a dispute between these two over the affections of a young woman. 559 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:36,120 They took to the skies in separate hot air balloons, each armed with a Blunderbuss. 560 00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:39,440 De Pique shot first and missed. He had the first shot and he missed. 561 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:40,560 It is a moment, isn't it? 562 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:43,120 Grandpre then fired at de Pique's balloon and punctured it, 563 00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:45,520 - sending him and his second down to their deaths. - Wow. 564 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:48,840 2,000 feet above Paris. So, a balloon, pretty damned dangerous. 565 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:53,720 The very first female air passenger ever was in a hot-air balloon - 566 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,640 Elisabeth Thible. She was an opera singer 567 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,080 and she was dressed as Minerva and sang arias from opera 568 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:02,040 - as she fed the fire and the balloon took off. - How wonderful! 569 00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,240 Unfortunately, she landed and sprained her ankle, 570 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:05,400 but other than that... 571 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,640 Yes, it's great. She was the very first female passenger. 572 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,720 There's only one example of a billiard ball duel 573 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:12,360 that we've been able to discover 574 00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:15,040 and that took place between a Monsieur Lenfant 575 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,080 and a Monsieur Melfant. They fell out over a game of billiards, 576 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:21,000 not surprisingly, and so they used what was to hand - billiard balls. 577 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,320 Presumably it was carom if they were French. 578 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,640 And they decided to resolve their difference 579 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:29,120 by pelting each other one after the other with billiard balls. 580 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,640 Again, they drew straws to see who would throw first. 581 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,480 And Melfant won and he warned his opponent he would kill him 582 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:37,960 with one single strike and he did. Straight between the eyes, dead. 583 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,480 - Wow. - Wow. - Bloody hell. - God. - Yeah. That's, so that's... 584 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,160 And he probably went, "I was joking!" 585 00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:43,400 Yeah, exactly. 586 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,120 "I didn't think I'd actually hit you." 587 00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:47,960 - Why didn't they use the cue? Surely, that would have been a... - Yeah. 588 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,720 So, of all the weapons we've described, 589 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:53,320 probably the safest is the sword, because in duelling, 590 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:57,080 all you have to do is get the... draw first blood, as the phrase is. 591 00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:58,840 So, you literally have to pink someone, 592 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:00,280 just give them a little scratch 593 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:02,520 and it's called off by the second, "Oh, you got him." 594 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:03,840 So, there we are, duelling. 595 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,640 Now, why would you resupply your enemies with bullets 596 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:08,960 when they'd run out of them? How crazy is that? 597 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:10,120 Seems silly, doesn't it? 598 00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:12,400 - Or indeed a plastic spoon! - Unless they were... 599 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,440 - Keep it fair! - ..fake bullets? - No, real bullets. 600 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:16,880 There's your enemy, you desperately want to defeat them, 601 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,360 they are running out of ammunition and you resupply them. 602 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,680 - Are they bullets which explode when...? - Sabotage? 603 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:24,440 - Are they sabotaged? - No. - Somebody else comes to attack us and... 604 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:27,040 They're good bullets. No, no, you don't make a deal with them. 605 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,840 - Is it a sense of honour? - It's something so wonderful, I think, 606 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,680 that should guide the British government 607 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:34,000 and its policy on a particular issue, 608 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:35,440 one that is very dear to me 609 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:38,240 and the nation who have this marvellous building 610 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,800 that I've had trouble pronouncing sometimes. 611 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:44,080 - It's in the, em...Acropolis. - LAUGHTER 612 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:48,640 - Ah, yes, that's where the... - Where the Parthenon is, yes, yes. 613 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:51,040 And it's the Parthenon we are discussing. 614 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:54,000 So, Greece, let's go back almost 200 years. 615 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:58,240 - Who ran Greece almost 200 years ago? - Turks? - Turks, the Ottoman Empire. 616 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:02,680 And there was a big movement to free Greece, led by Greeks, 617 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,520 but also by some Britons, notably Lord Byron, who died there. 618 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:06,680 Lord Byron, yes. 619 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:11,080 And, by 1820, they had got quite a grip on the colonialists 620 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,680 and they'd pushed them all back up the Acropolis 621 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:17,080 and there they were in the Parthenon, that wonderful building. 622 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:22,240 And...the Turks were firing and they ran out of shot. 623 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:25,800 Now, the original builders of the Acropolis 624 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,800 were extraordinary architects 625 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:32,800 and they joined together these 70,000 pieces of marble 626 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:34,840 in a magnificent way. 627 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:37,480 They put in sheets of lead to protect it 628 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:39,640 and bits of iron staple and lead 629 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,480 to keep connecting together the marble. 630 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:45,880 Then, in 1820, when the Ottomans were defending it, 631 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:47,880 they started to use these lead sheets 632 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,160 to melt them down to make shot and the Greeks said, 633 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,760 "We're not going to have that happen to the Parthenon!" 634 00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:55,120 Ah, so give them bullets to stop them doing it? 635 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:58,360 To stop them destroying the building they loved so much, 636 00:27:58,360 --> 00:27:59,920 that meant Athens to them. 637 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:03,000 And if that story doesn't make the British government 638 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,440 get off its arse and give back the Elgin marbles, 639 00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:06,680 I don't know what will. 640 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:08,840 APPLAUSE 641 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:15,840 If we do that, do we have to give back everything else, as well? 642 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,920 - No! No! - Because we've got lots of stuff, haven't we? 643 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:20,840 That's the slippery slope fallacy, 644 00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:24,080 it's the first fallacy of logic and it just doesn't play. 645 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:25,960 Anyway, yes, that's basically it. 646 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:28,520 I didn't give you much of a chance to come in on that, did I? 647 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,640 But it's a good story, it was worth telling. 648 00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:33,240 - I like it when you're passionate on a subject. - Thank you. 649 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,600 But isn't it a wonderful story about human beings, 650 00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:40,040 that even in the face of death that we revere beauty and great art 651 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:43,200 - more than ourselves? I think that's marvellous. - It is wonderful. 652 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:45,560 Absolutely wonderful, I agree. 653 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:49,400 Right, now, let's go to real beauty and real splendour. 654 00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:52,360 Why was a pint of best in 19th-century Norfolk 655 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:54,400 just what the doctor ordered? 656 00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:58,000 Oh. Has it got something medicinal in it? 657 00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:00,000 It sure has. Poppies. 658 00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:01,040 Heroin. 659 00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:03,840 Not heroin, heroin wasn't discovered... 660 00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:06,720 "A pint of your heroin beer, please." 661 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:08,120 Not heroin, but opium. 662 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:10,040 It's no wonder Norfolk has kept to itself. 663 00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:12,640 Heroin needs a little bit more chemical skill 664 00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:14,560 than they were able to show in Fenland. 665 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:16,520 - Bit more Breaking Bad. - Yes, basically. 666 00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:19,760 And they had been having this stuff for ages and ages and ages, 667 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:23,160 and then, in the 19th century, laudanum became very popular. 668 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:27,200 Laudanum is a tincture of a small amount of opium with alcohol. 669 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,280 Queen Victoria loved it, and they loved it in the Fens. 670 00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:33,600 And they had it with beer, so they'd have poppy stuff in their beer. 671 00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:37,200 There was a period called 'the Great Binge', and it was really from, 672 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:41,240 sort of, 1880s to the outbreak of the First World War, 673 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:44,040 and the banning of absinthe in France. 674 00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:46,040 - What a time to be alive! - Yes. 675 00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:48,760 And, as I say, Queen Victoria was addicted to laudanum, 676 00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:50,320 she'd have laudanum every night. 677 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:52,240 To be wealthy and idle in the Great Binge. 678 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:53,720 Yes. It was something. 679 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:57,920 You're talking about Wetherspoons right now, aren't you? Yeah. 680 00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:00,680 In our time, you could get kaolin and morphine perfectly easily. 681 00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:03,560 Yes, supposedly to cure diarrhoea. You could also buy, in Boots, 682 00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:06,240 liquid aniseed and you may say, "What's the point of that?" 683 00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:08,360 It was a fabulous trick. You know catnip for cats? 684 00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:10,640 Everyone knows how cats behave when you have catnip. 685 00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:12,640 Dogs behave like that to liquid aniseed, 686 00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:14,880 so you would sprinkle it on your trouser legs 687 00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:18,120 and see these little old ladies being pulled along the street. 688 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:19,400 LAUGHTER 689 00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:22,040 They'd fly after your trousers. It was quite extraordinary. 690 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:25,560 While you were completely off your head on kaolin and morphine. 691 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:29,240 - Ahh, those were the days. - JASON: Good times, good times. 692 00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:32,320 - Was this a private education you were receiving? - Yes. 693 00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:35,000 And I don't recommend it. Anyway, in Fenland 694 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,760 they drank a lot of beer with their own poppies in it. 695 00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:39,880 Basically, Norfolk and Lincolnshire consumed 696 00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:41,640 - over five and a half tonnes a year. - Wow. 697 00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:44,480 Which was, basically, more than the whole country put together. 698 00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:45,560 - Wow. - Good God. - Yeah. 699 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:48,040 Do you think it hindered the development of the region? 700 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:49,480 It might have done. 701 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:53,440 It was known as "stuff" or "best" and, basically, it did destroy... 702 00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:54,760 Got any stuff? 703 00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:56,800 Yes. 704 00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:59,640 In the 19th-century, being an opium addict was normal for Norfolk. 705 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:02,680 Nowadays, we're told that even sugar is a deadly poison. 706 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:04,960 But are sugar-free sweets good for you? 707 00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:07,800 Oh, they give you the runs! 708 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:12,680 Honestly, if you are at all stuffed-up, 709 00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:16,800 two sugar-free sweets, you'll be singing. 710 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:18,680 I don't know why. 711 00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:20,120 Well, I ought to warn you that 712 00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:22,920 - you have missed your Spend A Penny chance, that was it. - Oh. 713 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:24,320 Because it's all about going... 714 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:26,800 - Well, it's too late now. - Oh, yes, of course. - Never mind. 715 00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:29,840 It's lycasin, which can have a mildly 716 00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:32,000 or moderately laxative effect. 717 00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:34,120 That's if you take a few of them. 718 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:38,360 On the Amazon page where they sell sugar-free Haribo Gummy Bears, 719 00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:41,320 it clearly warns, "May cause stomach discomfort 720 00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:43,200 "and/or a laxative effect." 721 00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:45,800 The same page has over 250 comments. 722 00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:49,080 "Stomach discomfort turns out to be a massive understatement!" 723 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:50,680 Oh, yes. 724 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:53,920 "Gastrointestinal Armageddon!" 725 00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:58,480 "Calamitous flatulence." 726 00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:02,200 "Trumpets calling the demons back from hell." 727 00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:03,720 GUNSHOTS 728 00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,800 That's the noise, exactly. 729 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:09,080 - I'm just adding some noises to the story. - Yeah. 730 00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:10,920 "Guttural pronouncement so loud, 731 00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:13,200 "it threatened to drown out my own voice." 732 00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:17,600 And "flammable liquid Napalm extruding." 733 00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:19,240 Those are some of the milder comments. 734 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:20,920 I've never known anything like it. 735 00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:24,200 I got some butterscotch sweets, and I honestly had two 736 00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:27,880 and I thought it was a good way to help me lose weight, and it did. 737 00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:30,280 Absolutely. Yeah. 738 00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:33,000 I once tried to figure out how many gummy bears 739 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:35,760 you could put into a remote-control helicopter 740 00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:40,880 before you, you know, would compromise its airborne stability. 741 00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:43,880 - And? - You know those little tiny ones? 742 00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:46,040 Oh, the little, tiny, miniature ones! 743 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:48,600 The tiny miniature helicopters that can hover. 744 00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:51,680 I put one gummy bear in it as the pilot 745 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:53,920 and it crashed immediately. 746 00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:58,360 - One! They're so... - Such a delicate aerodynamic set-up. 747 00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:01,320 - Very delicate aerodynamics, yeah. - Wow! 748 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:04,520 Yeah, I say I put it in the pilot seat and it went over like that, 749 00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:06,440 whereas I should have put one on each rail 750 00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:08,040 and then it would have been fine. 751 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:09,760 I know that now. 752 00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:14,000 - But thanks for passing it on. - Yeah, no, that's fine. - Good. 753 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:16,760 And now for the lethal concoction of toxic misapprehension 754 00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:19,600 and venomous disinformation that we call General Ignorance. 755 00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:21,520 So, fingers on buzzers, if you please. 756 00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:23,560 Name a non-venomous snake. 757 00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:25,520 - EXPLOSION - Yes? 758 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,040 The grass snake. 759 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:29,040 - ALARM BELL - Oh! - What? 760 00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:32,280 We thought you might say that. 761 00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:34,200 Well, clearly! 762 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,080 Somebody's very quick on the typing, otherwise. 763 00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:40,320 Are they all venomous but just not very? 764 00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:42,560 Yes. All snakes are venomous. 765 00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:46,160 A recent discovery by a man you know you can trust because of his name, 766 00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:50,160 he's called Professor Brian Fry, of the University... 767 00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:51,520 No, he isn't. 768 00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:53,800 - AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - University of Queensland. 769 00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:54,880 And in 2013, 770 00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:59,000 he showed that even snakes that kill by constriction have venom in them 771 00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:01,720 and it's been re-purposed to create a sort of lubricant 772 00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:04,840 to help swallow the huge things that constrictors swallow. 773 00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:08,240 But it still contains small quantities of venom. Fry comments... 774 00:34:08,240 --> 00:34:10,400 "Fry comments," I find that very odd, saying that. 775 00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:12,680 Their toxins are the equivalent of a kiwi's wing 776 00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:14,880 or the sightless eyes of a blind cavefish - 777 00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:17,240 defunct remnants of a functional past. 778 00:34:17,240 --> 00:34:20,080 And he showed that the world's largest lizard, which is...? 779 00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:21,280 - Komodo dragon. - Komodo. 780 00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:23,560 The Komodo dragon, yes, kills its prey with venom, 781 00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:26,760 which we all thought beforehand that it was killed with sort of bacteria, 782 00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:30,280 that it just basically bit it and it had such disgusting slobber 783 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:32,280 that the thing caught infections. 784 00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:34,880 - Yeah, but they actually envenomate. - It seems so, yeah. 785 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:37,440 The small fangs at the rear of a grass snake's mouth 786 00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:40,520 do actually spit out at you and they'll hiss and they'll strike, 787 00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:42,560 and you will get a small itchy infection. 788 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:44,320 - Envenomation, as you say. - Right. 789 00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:45,600 So, there you are. 790 00:34:45,600 --> 00:34:48,400 That's weird and surprising, there are no non-venomous snakes. 791 00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:49,760 They all have venom glands. 792 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:52,920 How fast was the fastest mass extinction? 793 00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:56,000 - How many years? I'll give you... - EXPLOSION 794 00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:57,960 The Liberal Democrats! 795 00:34:57,960 --> 00:34:59,360 LAUGHTER 796 00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:01,960 APPLAUSE 797 00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:08,840 - So, about two weeks, then? - Two weeks! Ukip. 798 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:12,840 Ukip are like Top Gear for people that don't like cars. 799 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:14,920 LAUGHTER 800 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:17,520 - That's very good. - Thousands? Are we talking thousands? 801 00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:20,640 - Thousands of years. - Thousands? Oh. - Yes, thousands. 802 00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:25,640 It happened 252 million years ago, the ending of the Permian period. 803 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:29,080 It's known as The Great Dying. Sounds rather Star Trek, doesn't it? 804 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:31,760 - The Great Dying. - So, what? Sort of 5,000 years? 805 00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:34,320 60,000 years. Three score thousand years. 806 00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:36,920 But there have been about three of these mass extinctions? 807 00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:39,480 Five. Well, yeah, supposedly we're in the sixth. 808 00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:40,880 We are in one at the moment. 809 00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:42,600 I mean, forget global warming, 810 00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:44,920 just simply by the way we're destroying habitats. 811 00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:47,000 Either eating them or running them over. 812 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:50,280 Or simply just competing for space and not giving... 813 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:53,480 You know, monocultures and biodiversity. 814 00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:55,640 But it's a staggering number a day, isn't it? 815 00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:57,640 A huge number day. It's horrifying. 816 00:35:57,640 --> 00:36:00,440 Now, Alan, would you take a bullet for me? 817 00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:02,000 Yes, Stephen, of course. 818 00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:03,480 Aw, thank you. Very good. 819 00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:05,440 LAUGHTER 820 00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:08,520 ALARMS BELLS Wow! 821 00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:12,800 - Sorry, no. No, I wouldn't. - No, no. 822 00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:15,000 No, you wouldn't, because you couldn't. 823 00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:17,480 I mean, that's to say, in the standard way it's done, 824 00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:19,000 the "No-o-o-o!" 825 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,840 The diving in front of someone, you can't take a bullet for someone. 826 00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:24,120 Well, you'd have to anticipate, I presume. 827 00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:26,360 You'd have to anticipate in such an incredible way. 828 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:29,480 - Accidental, you know, act of... - Accidental, it would. 829 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,000 Because, of course, a bullet goes at 1,000 feet per second. 830 00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:34,560 That's from a hand gun. 700mph that is. 831 00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:36,200 Did you know...? I read this. 832 00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:38,240 You might like this because you like cricket. 833 00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:40,000 They've stopped using bowling machines 834 00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:42,640 because they've discovered that it doesn't help you at all, 835 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:44,680 that the people who are very good at batting 836 00:36:44,680 --> 00:36:46,840 have worked it out before the ball is released 837 00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:49,480 by the shape and the angle of the arm of the bowler. 838 00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:52,000 Their anticipation is that much quicker, 839 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:55,160 so it's actually of no use to you to practise with a machine, 840 00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:57,600 you must practise with people, so you're trained... 841 00:36:57,600 --> 00:37:00,000 - Trained to see the arm. - Seeing the person coming at you 842 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:02,720 - over and over and over. - So, the notion that the Secret Service 843 00:37:02,720 --> 00:37:05,760 are going to throw themselves in front of the President is just silly? 844 00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:08,680 Well, it has happened. It happened in the case of John Hinckley 845 00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,520 who had a pop at Ronald Reagan in 1981. 846 00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:14,080 - No-o-o! - That's it, exactly. It has to... 847 00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:16,400 This is how I would do it. I wouldn't use my head. 848 00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:17,600 No, very sensible. 849 00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:19,360 - I'd use my arse. - Your arse, yeah. 850 00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:22,160 Or my leg. 851 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:24,080 Yeah. Yeah, I would use, I would use that. 852 00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:27,480 - I would use Bill. - Yeah. 853 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,160 I'd get it out for you, Alan. 854 00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:34,800 - I'm taking that bag home with me! - A supplementary question, 855 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:37,200 why do people fall over when they've been shot? 856 00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:38,800 Because they've just been shot. 857 00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:42,480 ALARM BELLS 858 00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:44,120 Aww! 859 00:37:51,720 --> 00:37:53,960 No, is the answer. 860 00:37:53,960 --> 00:37:55,600 Shock. 861 00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:57,280 Cos they're dead? 862 00:37:57,280 --> 00:37:59,680 - A dead person would fall over, obviously. - Eventually. 863 00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:01,320 Whether they'd been shot in any way... 864 00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:03,800 Is it not the speed, like, the speed and the impact, no? 865 00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:05,720 No, none of those things will knock you over. 866 00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:08,120 - ALARM BELLS - What? 867 00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:09,600 Unbelievable. 868 00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:11,280 "The impact!" 869 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:13,080 What a band. 870 00:38:13,080 --> 00:38:15,720 I banged my head on the fireplace the other day and I fell over. 871 00:38:15,720 --> 00:38:18,160 - That would do it. - Wait, wait, is this a lavatory question? 872 00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:20,120 No, we've already had one. 873 00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:23,080 - Oh, no, I don't know. - Because they've seen it done in movies. - Really? 874 00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:26,280 So, in the Wild West, when they had a shoot-out 875 00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:28,560 and cos they'd never seen a cowboy film, 876 00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:30,280 people just carried on standing. 877 00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:33,120 - Most people when they're shot don't know they've been shot. - Right. 878 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:36,840 We have it on the authority of the FBI Academy Firearms Training Unit 879 00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:39,320 that people generally do fall down when shot, 880 00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:40,920 but only when they know they have. 881 00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:42,040 - That's the point. - Right. 882 00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:44,280 Regardless of bullet calibre or where they're hit, 883 00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:47,320 people who've been shot and don't know it yet don't fall over. 884 00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:50,160 Unless you were shot and your leg was shot off, and then you would... 885 00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:52,520 If it was shot off, you would naturally, yeah. Exactly. 886 00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:55,280 There are circumstances in which you can fall over. 887 00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:57,120 But books, films and TV have educated us 888 00:38:57,120 --> 00:38:59,880 - that we are supposed to fall down, that's why. - Right. 889 00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:02,080 Now, is it wrong to eat people? 890 00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:06,600 - Oh! - I think it's wrong... 891 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:09,840 - Undergraduate philosophy class, this, isn't it? - Yes, isn't it, yeah. 892 00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:11,960 It depends on the circumstances. 893 00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:15,200 It would not have been wrong to eat Hitler, I would argue. 894 00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:19,640 I think it's wrong to eat this one. 895 00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:21,640 - Yeah. - Unless that's Hitler. - Yeah. 896 00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:24,160 Ah, well, yeah. That's a very good ethical point. 897 00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,640 Are you saying there are some circumstances where...? 898 00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:29,080 - Well, cannibalism is not illegal in Britain. - Is it not? 899 00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:31,320 Murder is, so to kill someone in order to eat them 900 00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:34,800 - is obviously illegal. - It is frowned upon. Dealt with by magistrates. 901 00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:38,040 - If I had to lose a liver, I mean, sorry, not a liver... - A kidney. 902 00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:41,000 - A kidney, yeah. - Don't lose your liver. - How many livers have you got? 903 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:43,640 A liver transplant, maybe. I might give my old liver to someone 904 00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:46,280 and say, "By all means fry it up with some onions if you want to." 905 00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:48,280 - Oh, wow. - Well, you can eat placenta, can't you? 906 00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:51,120 - Placenta is commonly fried after, yeah. - Yes. - Absolutely. 907 00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:53,360 There's a special fork that, for cannibalism, 908 00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:54,840 there's a three-pronged fork 909 00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:57,280 and I've always thought that if you saw one laid on a table 910 00:39:57,280 --> 00:39:59,120 when you'd been invited, it probably... 911 00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:01,200 - That's the time to move away. - Yeah. 912 00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:03,400 - So, it's technically not illegal to eat anyone? - No. 913 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:06,240 And so, if you were to, you know, at a funeral, 914 00:40:06,240 --> 00:40:08,240 just have a little nibble of a toe or something. 915 00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:12,040 Well, you'd definitely need permission. As with anything. 916 00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:16,240 Why hasn't anyone started, you know, in times of a recession, going, 917 00:40:16,240 --> 00:40:19,920 "Do you know what? I hardly walk anyway, so..." 918 00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:21,120 Absolutely. 919 00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:23,880 "Just have the left one." 920 00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:26,480 There are people in the recession who hardly walk! 921 00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:29,920 That's a bad one, isn't it? 922 00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:31,400 That is a really bad recession. 923 00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:33,280 Can't even walk now. 924 00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:35,600 In Germany, in 2003, you may remember that case, 925 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:38,120 there was a computer technician called Armin Meiwes... 926 00:40:38,120 --> 00:40:41,240 - Oh, that's right, yes. - ..who conspired, as you might say, 927 00:40:41,240 --> 00:40:44,160 with a fellow engineer called Bernd Brandes 928 00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:46,040 to sit down and eat with him. 929 00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:49,600 Armin Meiwes cut off the penis of Bernd Brandes with his permission 930 00:40:49,600 --> 00:40:51,040 and sat down to eat it with him. 931 00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:53,360 He then stabbed him and froze the corpse to eat later. 932 00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:56,120 Brandes gave him explicit permission for the whole scenario. 933 00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,400 He originally asked Meiwes to bite off his penis. 934 00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:01,520 This proved difficult. Meiwes had to use a knife. 935 00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:04,200 He then tried to eat his own severed penis raw. 936 00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:05,920 - Oh, not raw! - Yeah. 937 00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:07,480 - Oh! - He found it too chewy. 938 00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:09,480 LAUGHTER 939 00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:14,640 - Have you had it cooked? - Oh, the danger of infection from that! 940 00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:17,400 I mean, really. "Oh, this is... No, this is raw." 941 00:41:19,080 --> 00:41:21,880 - "Give it another five on the grill." - Yeah. 942 00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:25,040 They fried it in salt, pepper, wine and garlic. 943 00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:26,600 - Oh, that's all right, then. - Yeah. 944 00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:28,840 - "Little bit of curry powder on that?" - They tasted it 945 00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:31,120 and agreed it was overdone, so fed it to the dog. 946 00:41:31,120 --> 00:41:33,520 He then killed Brandes and hung his body on a meat hook 947 00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:35,640 and proceeded to eat it over the next ten months. 948 00:41:35,640 --> 00:41:37,880 He was found guilty of a sort of killing on demand, 949 00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:40,040 but was retried and convicted of murder. 950 00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:44,040 - Did he go to prison, or to some secure location? - I don't know. 951 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:47,360 He was locked in a Happy Eater for the rest of his life. 952 00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:49,080 LAUGHTER 953 00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:53,480 According to the law, eating people, or bits of people, is not wrong. 954 00:41:53,480 --> 00:41:56,960 Which brings me to the grisly business of the final scores, 955 00:41:56,960 --> 00:41:59,160 and how interesting they are. 956 00:41:59,160 --> 00:42:02,920 Way out... Well, not way out, but slightly last, 957 00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:06,680 I'm sorry to say, with minus 19, is Jason Manford. 958 00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,560 APPLAUSE 959 00:42:13,560 --> 00:42:16,960 Trailing clouds of glory in a very respectable third place, 960 00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:19,320 - would you believe it, Alan Davies! - Thank you very much. 961 00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:21,320 APPLAUSE 962 00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:24,920 Second, with minus eight, Bill Bailey. 963 00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:26,880 Minus eight. 964 00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:28,920 APPLAUSE 965 00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:33,320 Which can only mean that the winner is our token Dane, 966 00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:35,160 with plus six, Sandi Toksvig. 967 00:42:35,160 --> 00:42:37,480 APPLAUSE 968 00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:46,280 And, with that, it's a big thank you and good night 969 00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:47,960 from Sandi, Jason, Bill, Alan and me. 970 00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:51,280 And we leave you with the last words of the poet Richard Savage, 971 00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:52,960 who died in 1743. 972 00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:56,120 "I have something to say to you, sir... 973 00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:57,680 "No, 'tis gone." 974 00:42:57,680 --> 00:42:59,920 Good night. 975 00:42:59,920 --> 00:43:01,840 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING