1 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,000 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,000 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 3 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:45,000 good evening and welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to QI, 4 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:49,000 where this week we're looking at ladies and gentlemen. 5 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,000 And we have a pair of each. 6 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,000 A decorous Kathy Lette. 7 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:57,000 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:02,000 A distinguee Sue Perkins. 9 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,000 APPLAUSE 10 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,000 A dashing Ross Noble. 11 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:13,000 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:19,000 And a-dorable Alan Davies. 13 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,000 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:27,000 So let's listen to the ladies. 15 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,000 Kathy goes... 16 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:33,000 # Three times a lady... # 17 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,000 Ah. And that's Lionel, who has two Ls himself. 18 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,000 And Sue goes... It's also libellous. Yeah, libellous. 19 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,000 Sue goes... 20 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:43,000 # Oh, yes, it's ladies' night And the feeling's right 21 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:46,000 # Oh, yes, it's ladies' night... # 22 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,000 And lo, the gentlemen. 23 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,000 Ross goes... 24 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,000 # I'm a man 25 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:59,000 # I spell M-A-N... # 26 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,000 LAUGHTER 27 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,000 Good blues harping. 28 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:07,000 No, no, that was me adjusting my dentures. Oh, right. 29 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:08,000 And Alan goes... 30 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,000 # Boys and girls come out to play 31 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:15,000 # The moon is shining as bright as day... # 32 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,000 Aw, that's sweet. 33 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:22,000 Now don't forget our L series Spend A Penny joker. 34 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,000 JINGLE 35 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,000 FLUSHING 36 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,000 So, if you play your joker 37 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,000 because you think that the answer to the question 38 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,000 is something to do with the lavatory, you'll get extra points. 39 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,000 Right, now, ladies first. 40 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,000 Oh, you smoothie. 41 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,000 Oh! Why shouldn't you have the vote? 42 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:44,000 LAUGHTER That's a nice way to start, isn't it? 43 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:47,000 Finally. Your true colours, Stephen. 44 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,000 Because we'll find out the size of your election? No. 45 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,000 Hey, hey, very good. 46 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,000 You must be talking about, are you talking about in suffragette days? 47 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,000 What they... Yes. OK. 48 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,000 What were the reasons advanced for women not being given the vote? 49 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,000 Well, I mean, it's unnecessary, isn't it? 50 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:04,000 I imagine it was the aristocracy that were the most fervently against. 51 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:08,000 Oddly enough, in the days of the suffragette movement, possibly, 52 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:11,000 you could argue, it was socialists who had the most objection. 53 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,000 Because the suffragette movement 54 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:17,000 only asked for votes for property-owning women. 55 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,000 And the socialists regarded that as deeply wrong. 56 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,000 Because they said, well, that would just stuff parliament 57 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,000 with even more bourgeoisie. We wouldn't want that. Yeah. 58 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:30,000 And, in fact, a lot of the enemies of the votes for women were...? 59 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,000 Were women. Were women, exactly. Yeah. There you are. 60 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,000 These are the women against it and they didn't want it. 61 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,000 It's the one behind going... 62 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,000 LAUGHTER 63 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,000 I'm late, I'm late! 64 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,000 For a lobotomy. Yeah, the one behind has a hammer, which is 65 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,000 obviously trying to suggest... Yes, she's off to perform a... 66 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,000 But there was sort of the Stockholm Syndrome. 67 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,000 That they were brainwashed. 68 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,000 They'd been brought up to be decorative and demure. Yeah. 69 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,000 And they had this idea they had to be home 70 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,000 looking after the children 71 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:58,000 and being domesticated and doing the home cooking. 72 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:01,000 Home cooking, that place where a husband thinks his wife is. Yes. 73 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,000 So... And also I think they were, the women who thought that way, 74 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:07,000 obviously they were also a bit braindead because of the corsetry. 75 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,000 Their corsets were so tight, 76 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:12,000 it had cut off all circulation to the brain. 77 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:16,000 Do you know where Constance Wilde, Oscar Wilde's wife, comes into this? 78 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,000 No. She was a very, very leading figure 79 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:21,000 in a movement which was a precursor to Votes For Women, 80 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,000 which was called the Rational Dress Society. 81 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:24,000 Oh, yes. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. 82 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,000 Women in Victorian eras, as you say, were corseted 83 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:29,000 to within an inch of their life. They could barely breathe. 84 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,000 And they wanted to loosen out. 85 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,000 And that's why they would faint so often, 86 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,000 in hot dinners and parties and things, balls. 87 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,000 But what you could do is, as the blood was cut off, 88 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,000 you could turn them upside down... LAUGHTER 89 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,000 And then it would rush to their legs... And make an egg timer. 90 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,000 And you could have a lovely egg. Yeah. Yeah. 91 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,000 The three-minute lady. Yeah. 92 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,000 And Constance Lloyd, then Wilde as she was, very intelligent, 93 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,000 splendid woman, she was one of the first to say, 94 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,000 well, we should wear rational dress, you know. 95 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,000 Straight, loose clothing that doesn't constrict us. 96 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:58,000 And that kind of was symbolic of a wider constriction 97 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:02,000 that existed in society, in terms of what they were allowed to do. 98 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,000 And it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. 99 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:06,000 Because women were not in engineering, were not in politics, 100 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:09,000 were not in anything involving the colonial system... 101 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,000 Therefore it was said, well, but they know nothing about politics. 102 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,000 They know nothing about... Therefore they shouldn't vote. 103 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,000 But it's because they... 104 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,000 But there should have been something, when she sort of, 105 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,000 you know, brought this up as a thing, rational dress, 106 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,000 she should have gone, 107 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,000 "But in the future, leggings must be approached with caution." 108 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,000 LAUGHTER That's the... That's true. Yeah. 109 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,000 Because there are certain people who, I think, 110 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,000 if you're not fighting crime - no, thanks to the Spandex. 111 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:38,000 Well, look at Spanx. Spanx are back, like corsets, aren't they? 112 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,000 What are Spanx? Oh, Spanx are life-savers. 113 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,000 They just move it around. What are Spanx? 114 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,000 It's basically anatomy roulette. 115 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,000 It's like, put them on, who knows where it'll end up? 116 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,000 What is a Spanx? 117 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,000 They're these tight pants that some women wear 118 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,000 to hold all their little bits of flesh in. 119 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,000 But, honestly, they're a contraceptive, 120 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,000 because once you get them on, you can never get them off again. 121 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,000 But the best thing about Spanx is, is if you go to a wedding 122 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,000 and at the start of the night there's these, 123 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,000 loads of women just looking amazing, 124 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,000 then they get a few drinks in them, have a bit of a dance 125 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:08,000 and then just boobs start appearing in different places. 126 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,000 LAUGHTER And you go, "Have you got leg boobs? 127 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,000 "I didn't know you could have leg boobs." 128 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,000 It does, it moves the boobs. It just, whoa, there's one. 129 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,000 And then you, look, I've got, I've got a side boob, 130 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,000 and then push that and then boom, out there. 131 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:22,000 And you get a nice shoulder tit. What, hey? Oh, oh, oh! 132 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,000 So what is it, is this like a body tube? 133 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,000 Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Wow! 134 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,000 So, anyway, just to sort of sum up what's happening here. 135 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:32,000 Um... LAUGHTER 136 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,000 Are you referring to what's happening in my Spanx right now? 137 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,000 The pro-suffrage movement was divided against itself. 138 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:42,000 There was the suffragists, who followed the Liberal Party, 139 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,000 and then there were the suffragettes, as you can see there, 140 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,000 Mrs Pankhurst being the most famous, 141 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,000 and they believed in smashing windows, 142 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,000 chaining themselves to railings, and in the worst possible case, 143 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,000 Emily Davidson, deliberate or not, throwing herself 144 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,000 in front of the King's horse and dying. It looked pretty deliberate. 145 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,000 Although I don't suppose she intended to die. 146 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,000 I think she intended to stop the horse. 147 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,000 There's the saddest thing, at the British Library 148 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,000 they've got her purse and in her purse is a return ticket. 149 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,000 Which, was she... But was she just being female and thinking, 150 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,000 "Oh, it's cheaper to get the return"? 151 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,000 Presumably, I don't know if this is true, but if, but pre-suffrage, 152 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,000 would women have been seen as sort of goods and chattels? 153 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:21,000 So if they did something wrong, would it then, would the husband be liable? 154 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,000 What a fabulously good idea. No, no, they'd just be... 155 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,000 Speaking as criminal stock, you know. They'd just be burned. 156 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,000 Well, burned is... That's going a long way back. 157 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,000 They would be burnt or ducked. 158 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,000 Or tried as witch or something like that. 159 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,000 But actually, Stephen, I don't think... 160 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,000 It's amazing women got the vote, 161 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,000 it's amazing they went out to protest. 162 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,000 Women weren't supposed to go out without a chaperone. 163 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,000 If you did, you were seen as a prostitute. 164 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,000 We're a couple of slappers being here right now. 165 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,000 I suppose the most amazing thing is those women who existed 166 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,000 before the vote, who managed to achieve things. 167 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,000 The trouble is, you could name them 168 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,000 almost on the fingers of a pair of hands, 169 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,000 the women who managed to break through, 170 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:58,000 what was not a glass ceiling, but basically a rock ceiling, you know. 171 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,000 Yeah, and they had crazy ideas. 172 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,000 There was one professor who said that women shouldn't be educated 173 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:06,000 and shouldn't vote because it would mean their brains would grow. 174 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,000 And if their brains grew, 175 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,000 their wombs would shrink. They would vote for Nigel Farage. 176 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:13,000 And he based that evidence on the fact that women who were educated 177 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,000 didn't have children, mainly because we were smart enough 178 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,000 to know that, you know, our careers would end. 179 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,000 He clearly didn't foresee the Katie Price scenario then, did he? 180 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:25,000 Well, we seem to have covered that very well. 181 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,000 The fact is, strange as it seems to us today, 182 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,000 many women were against votes for women. 183 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:34,000 When did women first get the vote in Britain, do you know? Either of you? 184 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,000 Either side? '21. '21? 185 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,000 1920, I think. 186 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,000 '20... 187 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,000 KLAXON Oh, the '20s generally, 188 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,000 I'm afraid, get the klaxon. Oh, dear. 189 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,000 Oh, dear, oh, dear. It's actually rather surprising. 190 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:52,000 You may think, of course, they were enfranchised, more or less 191 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,000 by the 1920s after the contribution 192 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,000 they clearly gave to the First World War. 193 00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,000 It was nigh on impossible to doubt that they had earned the right. 194 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,000 But the first was in 1867. 195 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:05,000 The first woman to vote, so far as we know, 196 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:09,000 in the entire United Kingdom, was one Lily Maxwell in Manchester. 197 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,000 And she was a ratepayer. 198 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,000 And the law then was that ratepayers were allowed to vote. 199 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,000 And it never occurred to the good burghers of Manchester 200 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:20,000 that a female ratepayer would take it up and vote 201 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,000 because there just wasn't a rule. 202 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,000 It's like saying rabbits cannot vote. 203 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,000 And if a rabbit turned up and voted, you'd say, "Oh, gosh, there's no law 204 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,000 "that says rabbits can't vote." 205 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:31,000 That's what it was like to the Victorians. They closed that 206 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:35,000 loophole very quickly, but a few women snuck in under the wire 207 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,000 and voted, 1867. 208 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:40,000 When did the law that prohibited women from doing that come in? 209 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:44,000 Very shortly afterwards? It was the following year, 1868. 210 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:48,000 That is quick. They really stamped that out. And they burned them. Yep. 211 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,000 Get on the pyre. 212 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,000 Is that fella there, in the blue shirt, 213 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,000 is he wearing a false beard, by any chance? 214 00:09:56,000 --> 00:10:00,000 You can see the straps there. That's a woman. 215 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,000 He's there going, "Yeah, yeah, you can have the vote there! 216 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,000 "Don't tell anyone. I'm a woman." 217 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:11,000 Must be a woman because she's got a box of chocolates next to her. 218 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:16,000 We can't go to the polling station without confectionery. Absolutely. 219 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,000 Who said this? 220 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:22,000 "Nothing would induce me to vote for giving women the franchise." 221 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,000 Said in 1905. 222 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:27,000 Churchill. Who? I bet it's a woman. Churchill. 223 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:28,000 Is the right answer! 224 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,000 Yes, I'm afraid so. 225 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,000 Yes, he did say that. 226 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:39,000 He was not, let's face it, the most liberal and progressive man 227 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,000 when it came to Empire and things like that, 228 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,000 marvellous as he was in all kinds of other ways. 229 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,000 So, "We will fight them on the beaches" was originally something 230 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:49,000 he said about women, he just modified it. We'll fight them on the bitches. Bitches! 231 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:54,000 ALAN: Supposedly, he did not say, "Golf is a good walk spoiled." 232 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,000 That was somebody else. Mark Twain, I've always heard. 233 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,000 Apparently not Mark Twain either. 234 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,000 It's what's known as Churchillian drift. 235 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,000 It's all these witty remarks get attributed to 236 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:07,000 people like Churchill, Noel Coward, Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain... 237 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:12,000 Stephen Fry. George Bernard Shaw. It's always, like... 238 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:15,000 it's always the real highfalutin one, isn't it, 239 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:19,000 the real amazing bits of wit that then get attributed to somebody else. 240 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,000 It's never, like, Cannon and Ball, is it? No! 241 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,000 I think it was Churchill who once said, 242 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,000 "Oh, Tommy, you've got me skin." 243 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:33,000 IMPERSONATES: I've got my eye on you! I've got my eye on you! Rock on. Right. 244 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,000 I mean, that was Churchill, wasn't it? 245 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,000 I believe it was... 246 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:41,000 Now, I've got some little toys for you to play with. 247 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,000 What would you use them for? Oh, hello. 248 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,000 You can have the blue one. 249 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:53,000 Well... Hello? Hello? It's an alarm key. 250 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,000 LOUD WHIRRING 251 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:59,000 Ah, you've pressed the button. That's a very good start. 252 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,000 It's the world's worst rape alarm. 253 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,000 If you're wearing a microphone, 254 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,000 it sounds like a million voles having a heart attack. 255 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,000 If you can hold them away from the mics, 256 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,000 because you're sending the audience mad. 257 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,000 I can't turn it off! No. Yes, you can. Just leave it. 258 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:17,000 It's a tiny stadium audience in a box. 259 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,000 And you just go, "Good evening, Wembley!" 260 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,000 It seems to be white noise. 261 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,000 This is what it's trying to do. Oh, go on. 262 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:25,000 SOUND OF RUSHING WATER 263 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,000 That's just frightening. Oh, that's better. 264 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,000 That's like a toilet. 265 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,000 Yeah. Why, is the word? 266 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,000 Why would you want to replicate the sound of a flushing toilet 267 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,000 wherever you go? 268 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,000 More to the point, why has Stephen got an app on his phone? 269 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,000 LAUGHTER 270 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:44,000 Because there is nothing I wouldn't do to make things clear for you, 271 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,000 because of my love for you all. 272 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,000 Is it to make people urinate after an operation or something? 273 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,000 Yes, it's not exactly to make people urinate. 274 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,000 It's designed by the Japanese for the Japanese. 275 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:58,000 Oh, to cover the sound of yourself in the toilet, you put it on. 276 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,000 Yes, I bet that's it. 277 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,000 You could have played your Spend A Pennies here. 278 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,000 Oh, I could have done. Oh, we could. 279 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:06,000 It's to cover the noise of peeing. 280 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:09,000 Because Japanese are traditionally rather pee-shy, 281 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,000 and it's called a Sound Princess. 282 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:14,000 A Sound Princess! LAUGHTER 283 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,000 Oh, that's marvellous. 284 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,000 They're actually built into some lavatories in Japan, 285 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,000 but these are the ones for if you don't have a built-in one. 286 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:23,000 "This clever little key chain gadget from Japan 287 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,000 "solves a real problem for those that are shy, 288 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:30,000 "namely the embarrassing sounds of our noises as we go to the bathroom. 289 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,000 "Push the button and 25 seconds of continuous sounds 290 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,000 "of a running refilling toilet permeate the room 291 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,000 "in a natural, unobtrusive way." 292 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,000 25 seconds! It's just going to run out. 293 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:42,000 25 seconds is not going to do it. "Masking the sounds you make..." 294 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:46,000 It finishes and then you hear... HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY 295 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,000 Yeah. Do they do another one for sort of number twos, 296 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,000 the sound of sort of an avalanche or something? You'd think so. 297 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,000 "Press it again, press it again." RASPBERRY 298 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,000 Well, push the button again for another 25 seconds of bliss. 299 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,000 "I've dropped it!" RASPBERRY 300 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,000 You mean in the cubicles. 301 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,000 I thought you had to hang it off your downstairs. 302 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,000 Oh, no! 303 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:08,000 And then you're stood at the urinal, just weeing. 304 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,000 The fella next to you hears. 305 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,000 "Why is there cheering coming from the...?" 306 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,000 "We will rock you!" 307 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,000 Imagine that whacking off your plums. 308 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,000 It comes in three colour-ways. We've got two. 309 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,000 "It comes pink with a cute little heart, 310 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,000 "for the inner girl in every woman." 311 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:33,000 But this is... I don't want... Do you have an inner girl? 312 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,000 Well, not with that in it, no. No, you don't. No. 313 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,000 "Baby blue with a ribbon for that free and fresh feeling." Yeah. 314 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,000 "And a white Save The Earth unisex model for both men and women." 315 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,000 But it's an Eco Otome, 316 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:46,000 because it saves you having to flush the loo to disguise your noise. 317 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,000 So you're saving water, in theory. 318 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:53,000 Why don't you just go into the cubicle, close the door, 319 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:57,000 you hear somebody come in, just go, "Brace yourself!" 320 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,000 He'll go, "Oh, no, I'm not having this." And leave. 321 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,000 But also the sound of that, you turn that on and you hear... 322 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,000 MAKES FAINT GROWLING NOISE 323 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,000 The person - it's Japan, isn't it - 324 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,000 what's the first thing they're going to think of? 325 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,000 "Hang on, I can hear Godzilla." 326 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,000 Another person might be halfway through their business. 327 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,000 "Oh, my God, Godzilla's here." And then runs out. 328 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:24,000 The floor gets slippy, they fly over, smash their head, 329 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,000 and it leads to all kinds of... It's a health and safety nightmare. 330 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,000 This should be banned. It should be off the shelves. 331 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,000 I'm writing to Watchdog. 332 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,000 I took my children to the toilet today... 333 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,000 Yes? They're 18 and 19. 334 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,000 And we all went in, we were all in a cubicle together. 335 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,000 They're two and four. Right. 336 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,000 And then someone went into the next door cubicle and started 337 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:49,000 going about some, obviously some quite serious business. 338 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,000 After about four minutes of this, my little girl started saying, 339 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:55,000 "Oh, oh, that stinks! 340 00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:01,000 "Oh, that's terrible! It's really smelly in here! Oh! 341 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:04,000 "That's awful!" 342 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,000 If only you'd had this! Princess poo! If only you'd had your princess. 343 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,000 And I could hear the person in the next cubicle laughing. 344 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,000 Where was the loo? 345 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,000 The O2 Centre on the Finchley Road. 346 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,000 Oh, no. Oh, look, was it you? 347 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:23,000 It was me. I know the very one. 348 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,000 Well, there's only one other thing that's vaguely connected to this, 349 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:30,000 and that's the architect, Sir Edmund Beckett, the 1st Baron Grimthorpe, 350 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,000 and he was considered the best locksmith of the century. 351 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:38,000 And he hated it when people didn't pull the flush in his lavatory. 352 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,000 So he set it up such that if you went into his loo 353 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:46,000 and locked the door, then if you didn't flush, you couldn't get out. 354 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,000 It was locked. 355 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,000 Only when you flushed did it unlock the door. 356 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,000 Isn't that brilliant? That is quite brilliant. Yeah. 357 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,000 And maybe, for the ladies' sake, it would be the same 358 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,000 if you lifted the seat or lowered it, rather than lifted it. 359 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,000 Which is it you like? I always forget. 360 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:03,000 Well, we like it where you do the wee in the hole bit. Oh, really? 361 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,000 As opposed to all the way round. That never occurred to me. 362 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:10,000 Just the rest of the toilet, anywhere in the rest of the toilet. 363 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,000 It takes all the fun out of it. 364 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,000 I suppose we could try that, couldn't we? 365 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,000 The difference between the sexes here is that men seem to think 366 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,000 sitting on the toilet is a leisure activity, 367 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:22,000 which women just don't get that, do we? No, you're quite quick about it. 368 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,000 Yes. Who wants to stay in there? 369 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:27,000 Well, maybes if you weren't outside the door giving it all that... 370 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,000 Well now... I am joking. 371 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,000 I am joking. I am joking. 372 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:34,000 Of course you are. 373 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,000 Who made the ladies' toilet, was it George Bernard Shaw? 374 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:40,000 I think he definitely was the one who pushed for it, as it were. 375 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,000 Because they'd previously... 376 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:45,000 Previously there'd been lots of public conveniences for men, 377 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,000 but never for women, because it was thought rather... Women didn't wee. 378 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:51,000 ..inappropriate for women to go, you know, outside their own home. 379 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:54,000 Well, the building of theatres in the 19th century 380 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,000 did not take women into account, did it? 381 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,000 And to this day, you can see it at the intervals of plays, 382 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,000 women are having to queue up, 383 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,000 while men are just peeing all over the place. 384 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,000 Just one bog and a tannoy bellowing, 385 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,000 "You've got one minute till the..." You know. Minute to go, yeah. 386 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,000 Till View From A Bridge starts 387 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,000 and you've got a bladder the size of a spaceship 388 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,000 and then you just do it on the seat and cry. 389 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,000 And go home with a wet bottom on the night bus. 390 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,000 LAUGHTER I imagine. Aw! 391 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,000 That's the title of your autobiography already, 392 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:27,000 Wet Bottom on the Night Bus. Wet Bottom on the Night Bus. I love it. 393 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,000 Anyway, next question. 394 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,000 What can you catch from a lavatory seat? 395 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,000 A tennis ball. 396 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,000 If you position it right, 397 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,000 so that they're just serving through a slightly open window. 398 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,000 Yeah, you can just get it. Very good. Lob it through. Nothing. 399 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,000 Nothing? No, that's not right. KLAXON 400 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,000 It's so not right, you get a klaxon. 401 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,000 Something. 402 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,000 Everything. Not good enough. Everything is not right either. 403 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,000 There are quite a few diseases. 404 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,000 Gonorrhoea. 405 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,000 Um... Syphilis. 406 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:59,000 Is it the crabs? Is it the tiny crabs? 407 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,000 Well, there are a number that are very much known to be caught. 408 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:07,000 Hepatitis, dysentery, fungal infections, puerperal fever. Ugh! 409 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,000 Viral gastro-enteritis, 410 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:12,000 but the only way you catch it from the loo seat 411 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,000 is from the loo seat to your hand 412 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:18,000 to what is nicely known as a "soft entry point." Oh. 413 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,000 Which tends to be the nose or the mouth. 414 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:23,000 So as long as you wash your hands, you're perfectly safe. 415 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,000 You don't get it through the thighs and bottom. 416 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:27,000 Yes, that would be weird. That would be weird. 417 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,000 Surely the bottom is something of a soft entrance, isn't it? 418 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,000 It is, but unless you're doing it very, very wrong, 419 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:36,000 it should be hovering over a nice hole in-between the seat. 420 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,000 Well, you just stand up. I tend to slide off onto the floor like that. 421 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:43,000 Do you? Well, I advise you from now on not to. 422 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,000 That is why they have a gap under the door. 423 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,000 Just so your feet can go through. No, what I do, what I do is... 424 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,000 That's brilliant. So you leave all your doings, 425 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,000 and then get out with the door locked. 426 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,000 What's happened here? Yes. 427 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,000 So somebody goes, "Oh, my God, he didn't even flush it." 428 00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,000 "I don't need to flush it. 429 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,000 "It will not unlock the door." Whoosh! Like that. 430 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,000 In fact sometimes, if you time it right... 431 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:07,000 Don't you catch your testicles, as they go under? 432 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,000 No, no, it's a sort of a reverse limbo, you pull them in like a sumo. 433 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,000 Oh, right, OK. 434 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,000 But what you do is, you time it right so that 435 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:16,000 when the fella or the lady is mopping the floor, 436 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,000 I slip out from under the door, it's like the curling, like that. 437 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,000 And then somebody opens the door, all the way down, 438 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,000 "What are you doing?" "I'm fine, I'm fine." 439 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:28,000 And then as you're moving, it pulls your trousers up. 440 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,000 Superb. KATHY: That should be an Olympic category, I think. 441 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,000 It should be an Olympic category, that is superb. Yeah, excellent. 442 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,000 Never do it on the ice though, never on the ice. 443 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,000 No. Never. Those of us who use lavatories in a more, 444 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,000 shall we say, normal... Conventional. 445 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,000 ..usual, conventional way, tend not to do that. 446 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:46,000 We tend to keep the soft entry points of our bottoms... 447 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,000 That is why I'm riddled with disease. 448 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,000 Yes. Riddled, riddled with disease. 449 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,000 That would explain it. Yeah, absolutely. 450 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,000 But who was responsible for the myth that you can catch 451 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,000 sexually transmitted diseases from lavatory seats? 452 00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,000 It's, erm, Brian Blessed. Brian. 453 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:03,000 "Yes!" "Oh, you can!" "No, I don't think... No, no, no." 454 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:08,000 "My soft entrance has been violated! 455 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,000 "Yes! I can't believe it!" 456 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,000 "It's hairier than the rest of me." 457 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,000 So who put it about? My grandmother, I think. 458 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,000 Your grandmother may have... 459 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,000 Would it be a pharmaceutical company with profits to be made? 460 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,000 No, it's actually doctors. Doctors suggested that you could catch it. 461 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,000 I love that show. 462 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,000 They suggested you could catch it from lavatory seats. 463 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,000 There's something very, very wrong with that torso. There is. 464 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,000 I think she's past hope. Is it a she or a he? 465 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,000 It's very hard to tell. 466 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,000 Your problem is... It's Tilda Swinton. 467 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,000 It's beautiful Tilda Swinton with gangrene of the upper rib. 468 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,000 Yeah. 469 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:51,000 "Your head is much too small for your body." 470 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,000 That's not a usual... It's not a usual soft opening part, 471 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,000 that he's poking his tube into. 472 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,000 I don't know what... He's draining it, presumably. 473 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,000 He's harvesting tit juice. 474 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,000 All right. He's harvesting tit juice. Gangrenous tit juice. 475 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,000 No, it was doctors. Doctors suggested it because they thought 476 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:09,000 it would make more people come forward with STDs, 477 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,000 because they would be less embarrassed to say they caught it 478 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,000 from a lavatory seat than 479 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:16,000 that they caught it from a whore, strumpet, harlot. Sex worker. 480 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,000 Or parent. Puttanesco. Or parent. Parent?! 481 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:26,000 Don't make me repeat things without thinking. It's all wrong. 482 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,000 This is a thing that's happened to me. 483 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:31,000 I'll share, cos I feel I'm amongst friends. All right. 484 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,000 I went to the doctor, had terrible, like a sort of a... 485 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:37,000 It was almost like welts... Did you say whelks? Welts. 486 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,000 Welts. Not whelks. It was a red... No, welts with a T, not with a K. 487 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:43,000 I thought you said whelks, as in cockles and... 488 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:47,000 There was... You know, whelks. I was bothered by Cockneys. 489 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,000 And all the time I had chimney sweeps around me, 490 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:53,000 I was batting them off. "Feed the birds." 491 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:57,000 Went to the doctor and I thought, I've got some sort of... 492 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:02,000 MUMBLES: ..sexually transmitted disease. 493 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:06,000 Went into the doctor, he went, "Pants are too tight." 494 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,000 That's what he said. 495 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,000 He said "Your pants are too tight." You had your Spanx on. Just had... 496 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,000 So you were kidding yourself that you were a medium 497 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,000 and in fact you were an extra, extra large. 498 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:17,000 I've done it, I've been there. Yeah. 499 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,000 And you do get welts, you get awful webbing marks, you get... 500 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,000 Webbing? Yeah, well, the... You know, the webbing of the... 501 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,000 You need to just loosen that banana hammock and let it fly. 502 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,000 I got the larger... I went for the larger pant, 503 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,000 and since, trouble-free. It's been simple. Yeah, I know. 504 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,000 What a wonderful, wonderful thing. So, there you are. 505 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:38,000 So, there you are. Now, here's one for the gentlemen. 506 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,000 How could your mother-in-law help you run things at tiny bit better? 507 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,000 Well, my mother-in-law... 508 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:49,000 There's a rather classy version of Deal Or No Deal going on. 509 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:54,000 It's the picnic special. The wicker version. Exactly. 510 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,000 Fortnum and Mason Deal or no Deal. "Oh, chutney." 511 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:02,000 It's a hell of an episode of Blind Date as well. 512 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,000 "Who'd date number one? The older lady..." 513 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,000 They look like they've just emerged from them. 514 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,000 Put them back in them. 515 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,000 Anyway, they're two daughters-in-law with their mother-in-law, 516 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:14,000 but that's just an example, obviously. Run things? Yes. 517 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:19,000 Talk about running things, I mean runs companies and things. CEOs. 518 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:22,000 CEOs is exactly what we're after, actually. 519 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:27,000 A study of 6,753 deaths among CEOs 520 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:32,000 and their families found they caused a statistically significant 521 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,000 and economically large decline in the profitability 522 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,000 of their companies. But there was one exception. 523 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,000 The death of a CEO's mother-in-law 524 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,000 led to a positive effect on performance. 525 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:47,000 You're now advocating that mother-in-laws of successful CEOs 526 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:50,000 should do the decent thing, ladies, and top yourselves. 527 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,000 It was marked as positive but statistically insignificant, 528 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,000 which makes it rather, sort of, peculiar. 529 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:58,000 But there is one feature that CEOs should have in America, 530 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,000 which WILL make them the more successful. 531 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,000 Do you know what that is? A face. Is it a face? 532 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:05,000 It's not a face, but it is physical. It's rather good news for me. 533 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,000 Height. Height is the answer. 534 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,000 Height is more important than race, sex, 535 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,000 or ability when it comes to CEOs. 536 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:17,000 Only 14.5% of US men are over six foot. 537 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:21,000 But 58% of CEOs are. 538 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:25,000 Which is going to piss on Janette Krankie's attempt to lead. 539 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:28,000 You'd think it'd be a towering intellect they'd need. 540 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:32,000 I always think the only important organ in a man is the big, 541 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:33,000 throbbing organ between the ears. 542 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,000 The only place where size does count. 543 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,000 Stephen has a big throbbing organ. Bless you, darling. 544 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:41,000 And, in the US, there's also the issue of the pay differential 545 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:45,000 between large company CEOs and their average employees. 546 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:50,000 But the fact that I haven't yet given you is that CEOs anyway, 547 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,000 no matter how much they're paid, 548 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,000 have absolutely no effect on the performance of a company. 549 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:58,000 So the idea that they are worth what they're paid, 550 00:25:58,000 --> 00:25:59,000 which apparently only applies to them 551 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:02,000 and not to average workers anyway, is complete nonsense. 552 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,000 And there are perfect examples of this which I can give you. 553 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:09,000 A report in 2013 found that during the years 1993-2012, 554 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:13,000 40% of the highest paid CEOs in the US had either 555 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:16,000 had their companies bailed out by the taxpayer, 556 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:20,000 or had their companies charged with fraudulent activity, 557 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,000 or been fired for poor performance, 558 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,000 or overseen the death of their companies. 559 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,000 These are people paid millions a year. 560 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,000 So the fact is, 40% of them have been shown to have 561 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:32,000 a disastrous effect on their companies. 562 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:36,000 In the UK, women get 58p for every pound that men get. 563 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,000 I know. 100 years since Emmeline Pankhurst tied herself 564 00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:41,000 to the railings, and we still don't have equal pay. She never called for 565 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,000 equal pay, of course. That only arrived in the '70s. 566 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,000 Should we do a riot? Let's do a riot. 567 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:50,000 Do a riot. Do a riot. There's three people that are ready to take arms. 568 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,000 So, the death of the CEO's mother-in-law helps businesses 569 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,000 a little bit. Now, staying with lady relatives for a moment, 570 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:59,000 can you finish these real suggestions from agony aunts? 571 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,000 Here they are. 572 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,000 "There is no more harm in a kiss than...?" 573 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:06,000 Shaving a monkey and pretending it's a woman. 574 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:13,000 I don't know where that's coming from or where it's going. 575 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:16,000 Sorry. Sorry, I'm so sorry. Is it the common cold? 576 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:18,000 It's actually a loaded revolver. 577 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,000 It's from Ally Sloper's Half Holiday of 1911. 578 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:25,000 Next one. "Kidney troubles, coughs, colds, toothache and neuralgia, 579 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:28,000 "diarrhoea and stomach catarrh are frequently brought on by...?" 580 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:31,000 Kissing? Exposing one of your soft entrances. 581 00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:34,000 In a public convenience. 582 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,000 I tell you, it's true. 583 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,000 "Kidney troubles, coughs, colds, toothache and neuralgia, diarrhoea 584 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:43,000 "and stomach catarrh are frequently brought on by...paddling, rowing." 585 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:46,000 Paddling is the right answer! Yes. Bizarrely. 586 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,000 It's Mother and Home, 1910. 587 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:51,000 And finally, "If your friend is too fat, she should..." 588 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,000 Only be seen... Try presenting Bake Off. 589 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:56,000 KLAXON 590 00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:00,000 Ta-dum, boom! 591 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,000 Well, well, we... 592 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:07,000 Should not live in glass houses. 593 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:10,000 This is a very strange 1928 cure for obesity, which is, 594 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:14,000 "She should try doing rolling exercises on the floor." 595 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:18,000 For the amusement of the family. 596 00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,000 The world's first agony aunt was actually a man. 597 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,000 He was called John Dunton. 598 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:26,000 He started a twice weekly periodical called the Athenian Gazette... 599 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:31,000 How could a man with hair like that give advice to anybody? 600 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:33,000 Everybody had a perruque in those days. 601 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:37,000 What kind of advice did the agony aunts give? Quite interesting. 602 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:40,000 Mostly literary, political, scientific or religious. "Never bathe." 603 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:43,000 He got a letter from a lady and he was rather surprised. 604 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,000 She asked if she could submit questions. 605 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:49,000 This led to a spin-off, "Reasonable questions sent in to us by the fair sex," 606 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,000 and the spin-off was called the Ladies' Mercury, not surprisingly. 607 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:53,000 the first women's magazine. 608 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:57,000 Yeah! Its mission was "to answer all most nice and curious questions 609 00:28:57,000 --> 00:29:01,000 "concerning love, marriage, behaviour, dress and humour of the female sex, 610 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,000 "whether virgins, wives or widows." 611 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,000 Is there any other type? LAUGHTER 612 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:10,000 There are no other types. Stephen, no lady will ever touch you or hurt you. 613 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:13,000 It only lasted a month but things would never be the same. 614 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:16,000 He was asked at one point by a woman saying she was lonely, 615 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:20,000 he advised her to go down to the docks and find a randy sailor. 616 00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:22,000 He didn't use the word "randy", 617 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:25,000 but said there would be sailors aplenty to oblige her. 618 00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:29,000 Another asked for "the opinions you have met concerning the capricious 619 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,000 "and extravagant humours of women." 620 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:33,000 And he replied, 621 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:36,000 "The word 'capricious' is used to signify the extravagant 622 00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:38,000 "humours of most women, because there is no animal 623 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,000 "they resemble more than a goat." LAUGHTER 624 00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:42,000 Which is pretty odd, 625 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,000 because he actually dressed up as a woman to avoid tax and debt. 626 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:48,000 Yeah. Gary Barlow didn't think of that one! 627 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:52,000 No! Did he look like a goat when he dressed up as a woman? 628 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:56,000 "How shall I do it? They look like this, don't they?" 629 00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:58,000 Horns, four hooves and going up a mountain. 630 00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:02,000 But that's fascinating that he gave such ribald advice. 631 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:07,000 in Victorian times agony aunts were dipped in penicillin. 632 00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:10,000 Telling her to go down and look for a sailor... 633 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:15,000 A horny sailor who just wants anything with a hole and a heartbeat, is quite... 634 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,000 It's very impressive. 635 00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:21,000 That's the second volume of my autobiography. A Hole And A Heart. LAUGHTER 636 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:25,000 They're all collected in a book, Never Kiss A Man In A Canoe, 637 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:28,000 Words of Wisdom From The Golden Age Of Agony Aunts, by Tanith Carey. 638 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:32,000 Who's collected them all for your pleasure and enjoyment. 639 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:33,000 So now let's man the lifeboats. 640 00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:39,000 What was the seventh most common cause of death among German submariners in World War I? 641 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:43,000 Was it banging their heads on low doorways? 642 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:45,000 Bulkheads, I believe they are called. 643 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:50,000 Being shot? Shot, yes, kind of, but shot in a particular way. 644 00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:52,000 Can I do one? I think toilets, 645 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:56,000 the water coming in rather than flushing out, maybe. 646 00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:59,000 How ironic to die of an overflowing toilet in a submarine! 647 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:02,000 Being fired out of a torpedo tube? Friendly fire. 648 00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:04,000 Well, not friendly fire. 649 00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:07,000 Very unfriendly fire and deeply unsporting unfriendly fire. 650 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:11,000 Soft tissue access, so communicable diseases... 651 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,000 No, I'll tell you what it is. 652 00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:15,000 The Germans, who were very sporting and gentlemanly, 653 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:19,000 they used protocols which meant that if they 654 00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:22,000 approached a merchantman, in other words, not a warship, 655 00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:25,000 what they would do is rise to the surface 656 00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:30,000 and they would give an opportunity for everyone on board to 657 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:35,000 get into the lifeboat and sail away to safety. 658 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:39,000 Then they would sink the ship and its supplies, because that was a legitimate war target. 659 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:45,000 So the Royal Navy got these ships that they disguised as merchant ships 660 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:50,000 and they got their sailors to dress up in drag and walk up and down as if they were women... 661 00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:55,000 Like goats! As if they were perfectly natural civilians, 662 00:31:55,000 --> 00:32:01,000 and the German U-boat would approach and call out and say, "Man your lifeboats!" 663 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:06,000 The captain of the boat would pull a lever, reveal all the weapons 664 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,000 and shoot down and destroy the U-boat. 665 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:13,000 And it was mean. That's not the Marquess of Queensbury! It's not cricket. 666 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:19,000 So did they learn their lesson and perhaps disguise themselves as a hen party, a sort of...? 667 00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:24,000 They should have done, but 14 German submarines were felled that way, 668 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:27,000 making cross-dressing sailors the seventh leading cause. 669 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:29,000 That's hilarious! Amazing, isn't it? 670 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:35,000 In 1927, HMS M2 was the very first submarine to carry aeroplanes. 671 00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:38,000 Carry aeroplanes? Yeah. 672 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,000 Not only carry them, but they had a deck. A slightly flawed plan. 673 00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:46,000 Yeah, obviously they would only allow them to land and take off when they'd risen to the surface. 674 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:50,000 A small, specially designed seaplane took off next to the sub 675 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:53,000 and could be winched aboard and stowed in the hangar. 676 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:59,000 Unfortunately they once opened the hangar too early and the whole thing was sunk. Very sad. 677 00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:04,000 Now, ladies, you should be covering your ears, because you're very sensitive, I know. 678 00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,000 Can you name an Anglo-Saxon swearword? 679 00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:12,000 BLEEP. I would say... Oh. KLAXON 680 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:18,000 That's... We've covered all bases there. 681 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:21,000 In for a penny. BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP...! KLAXON CONTINUES 682 00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:28,000 Knob-gobbler. Knob-gobbler?! 683 00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:36,000 Knob-gobbler is Anglo-Saxon. It's also a delightful wading bird. 684 00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:40,000 The amount of times Bill Oddie's gone after a knob-gobbler on the... 685 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:42,000 He does spend a lot of time on Hampstead Heath, 686 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:45,000 it's certainly true. That's where he comes from. 687 00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:47,000 Yeah. "Ooh, look at the plumage on that knob-gobbler." 688 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:50,000 This isn't rude, it's a type of... No. It's a type of bird. 689 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:52,000 You know, who wouldn't want to stroke a knob-gobbler? 690 00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,000 But no, you see the fact is, 691 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:59,000 we have no knowledge whatsoever of Anglo-Saxons swearing, 692 00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:02,000 because the only Saxons we know of are those who wrote. 693 00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:06,000 And those who wrote were in Holy Orders, and tended not to swear. 694 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:07,000 And didn't swear, of course. 695 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:10,000 But we have no evidence for them. There must have been swear words. 696 00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:12,000 But we do know that Vikings swore, because we actually know, 697 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:15,000 there's a particular word, and this is rassragr. 698 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:18,000 It's such an appalling word that 699 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:22,000 if one Viking called another Viking rassragr, 700 00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,000 the Viking who was called it 701 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:26,000 would be entitled to kill the man who called him that. Gosh! 702 00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:29,000 And indeed, if he didn't try and kill him, 703 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,000 he would be expelled from the community 704 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:33,000 and indeed be proved to be a rassragr. 705 00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:36,000 I've been told what rassragr means, but I just cannot tell you. Aw! 706 00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:38,000 Is it... I just can't. Rassragr. Rassragr. Rassragr. 707 00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:42,000 Is it to do with colouring? I just can't. 708 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,000 Russet beard or something? My mind has got the idea of it in its head 709 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,000 and I will never be the same. He must tell us! 710 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:49,000 I don't know what it means. We all want to know, right? Rassragr. 711 00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:52,000 Anyway, the fact is, there are no known Anglo-Saxon swear words, 712 00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,000 in the sense that Anglo-Saxon peoples use them. 713 00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:58,000 It's time for a maths test and it's ladies versus gents. 714 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:01,000 Which team will let itself down? 715 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:05,000 Oh, lord. What happened to our faces? 716 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:10,000 You're eating your thumb. Disturbing, isn't it? Which team will let itself down? 717 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:14,000 If it's the pair of us, we will lose because I'm really bad at maths. 718 00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:18,000 Because women are always told that that's ten inches. LAUGHTER 719 00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:22,000 That isn't ten inches? Exactly, yeah. 720 00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:26,000 And also, on our team the little boy at the back has had a severe head injury. 721 00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:30,000 LAUGHTER Look at him, he's concussed. 722 00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:37,000 He's sat there going, "I can do maths but I've been smashed in the face with a ruler." 723 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:42,000 This is a gender fulfilling... It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. 724 00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:44,000 Because women are told we are bad at maths. 725 00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:49,000 And we did it - we said, "We'll never be able to do it because we are rubbish." 726 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:54,000 Indeed, yes. and it's been tested because there is a general feeling 727 00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:56,000 that seems to be, again, self fulfilling, 728 00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:59,000 that Asian people are very good at maths. 729 00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:02,000 So if you take a group of Asian women and say, 730 00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:05,000 "You're women and you're going to do a maths test 731 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:10,000 "and the men are going to do a maths test," they tend to get 60%. 732 00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:15,000 And then you take a group of Asian women and say, "You're Asian 733 00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:19,000 "and you're playing against a group of European men," 734 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:22,000 they tend to get, at the same level of difficulty, 735 00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:25,000 80% or 90%. So it's really about being told what you are, 736 00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:29,000 and the very fact that you're told you're a woman makes you think, 737 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:30,000 "Oh, God, I'm no good at this." 738 00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:33,000 And your self-esteem is lower than Lady Gaga's bikini line. 739 00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:37,000 I'm rubbish at maths, but when I go, "You're an Asian woman," boom! 740 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:42,000 Brilliant, honestly. I'm on Countdown next week. 741 00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:46,000 Now, some might say that's borderline racist, what I've got planned, 742 00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:49,000 but I'm going to win, that's all that matters. 743 00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:52,000 It's about tribal affiliations. 744 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:57,000 So if you are oriented to affiliate with a more successful... 745 00:36:57,000 --> 00:37:01,000 You could be a woman or you could be a redhead or a European or 746 00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:05,000 an Antipodean or whatever, so you find the right one. 747 00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:09,000 Similarly, some retailers have tried to make their toy displays 748 00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:13,000 gender neutral, but they have a toy tool box and a toy handbag 749 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:14,000 and one is blue and the other is pink! 750 00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:17,000 How is that in any way neutral? Lego has a pink brick box. 751 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:22,000 "It has everything young girls need to create a world of building fun." 752 00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:27,000 And it includes a female mini figure. A mini finger? Mini figure! 753 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:32,000 LAUGHTER Just a slightly smaller version of your own finger. 754 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:36,000 "This is a shit gift. 755 00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:39,000 "I've got five and now I've just got a really small one." 756 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:43,000 OK. Women who are reminded they are women do worse at maths. 757 00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:48,000 And now hold your horses, ladies, fingers on buzzers, gentlemen, 758 00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,000 because it's time for a bit of General Ignorance. 759 00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:54,000 Right, what did Lady Godiva do? # A lady... # 760 00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:57,000 Yes? Well, of course she rode naked through the town, 761 00:37:57,000 --> 00:38:00,000 because she wanted to... I forget, what was it she was doing it for? 762 00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:03,000 She had... She wanted... No. KLAXON 763 00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:04,000 Whoa. No. 764 00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:06,000 No, which town was it that she didn't ride naked through? 765 00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:09,000 Birmingham, I think. Birmingham! No. 766 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:12,000 Coventry is the one that people suppose that she... 767 00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:15,000 She owned Coventry, interestingly. Did she? Yes, she owned it. 768 00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:20,000 And the first story of her riding naked is the early 13th century, 769 00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:23,000 but actually, that's some 200 years after she lived. 770 00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:26,000 And this story was a fellow called Roger of Wendover, 771 00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:31,000 who was a notoriously unreliable purveyor of anecdotes and gossip. 772 00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:35,000 In fact, the story that he gave was that her husband, 773 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:36,000 who was the Earl of Mercia, 774 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:39,000 had put large taxes on the citizens of Coventry, 775 00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:41,000 and she thought this was unfair, 776 00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,000 and she said, "You must get rid of these taxes." 777 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:46,000 He said, "I'll do it if you ride naked through Coventry." 778 00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:47,000 And so she thought, "All right, 779 00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:50,000 "I like the people of Coventry, I'll ride naked." 780 00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:53,000 And they all obediently closed their eyes. 781 00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:56,000 But there's no evidence for any of this. All this is later. 782 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,000 Do you think that would work today 783 00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:00,000 if we suggested that to Boris Johnson, 784 00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:03,000 if we rode naked through the town, we could stop paying our taxes? 785 00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,000 To bicycle on a Boris bike through the streets of London. 786 00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:07,000 Yeah. Yes, naked. 787 00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:10,000 Yeah. The story of Lady Godiva is horseshit, frankly. 788 00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:12,000 So what did Mary Magdalene do for a living? 789 00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:14,000 Mary Magdalene, what did she do for a living? 790 00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:17,000 Ah... Oh. Are we? Do we dare? 791 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:18,000 # Ladies' night... # 792 00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:20,000 I just want to hear that again, 793 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:23,000 because I am so in the groove with that shit. Yay. 794 00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:25,000 She was a... 795 00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:28,000 DUTCH ACCENT: Sex worker. A sex worker, a prostitute? KLAXON 796 00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:29,000 We call them sex workers now. 797 00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:31,000 Sex workers. They are called sex workers. 798 00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:32,000 The sex workers, like prostitutes. 799 00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:34,000 No. In as much as we know anything about her, 800 00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:36,000 or anything about anybody in the "Bibble". 801 00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:40,000 She's got jaundice, that's what we know about her. Well, that's true. 802 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:41,000 I think we've taken faces 803 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:44,000 from some sort of Sienese school rendering of her. 804 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:47,000 But she's mentioned in each of the four Gospels, Mary Magdalene. 805 00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:50,000 And not one of them says she was a prostitute or even a sinner. 806 00:39:50,000 --> 00:39:53,000 All you need to do is to have sex once. 807 00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:55,000 If you're a girl, then you are a prostitute. 808 00:39:55,000 --> 00:40:00,000 It did say that she spent a lot of time on the docks, wink, wink. 809 00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:04,000 At some point she became confused with two other women 810 00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:06,000 in the Bible - Mary, the sister of Martha 811 00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:09,000 and the unnamed sinner from Luke's Gospital, chapter... 812 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:10,000 Gospital?! 813 00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:14,000 Gospel, both of whom washed Jesus' feet with hair, if you remember. 814 00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:18,000 That's the third chapter of your book, The Unnamed Sinner From Luke's Gospel. 815 00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:20,000 In the sixth century, 816 00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:23,000 Pope Gregory the Great made this confusion official by declaring 817 00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:26,000 in a sermon that these three characters were the same person. 818 00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:28,000 This remained the official line for over 1,000 years 819 00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:33,000 until the Catholic church finally ruled that Mary Magdalene was not the penitent sinner in 1969. 820 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,000 And the whole world went, "Ooh!" 821 00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:38,000 Oh, I've been calling her a slag for 2,000 years. 822 00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:41,000 Can I just ask, right? I'm no art historian, 823 00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:49,000 but why is there a severed baby's head with no body attached, just...? 824 00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:52,000 It's like a flying tray with a head on it, isn't it? 825 00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:55,000 Just the wing ears. 826 00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:58,000 You will get these in baroque paintings, putti, as they're called. 827 00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:00,000 It... But how do we know that that is a cherub 828 00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:03,000 and not just, like, a fat-faced bird? 829 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:05,000 That's a knob-gobbler, that's what that is. 830 00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:10,000 Well, it's... The Baroque did go rather crazy, 831 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:12,000 and there's no real excuse for it. 832 00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:14,000 It's overdone, to say the least. 833 00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:17,000 But the one thing that we know about Mary Magdalene 834 00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:19,000 is that she wasn't a prostitute. 835 00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:23,000 What happens nine months after a blackout? Ah. 836 00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:25,000 # A lady... # 837 00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:27,000 Many, many babies. 838 00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:29,000 Ah... No, no... KLAXON 839 00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,000 Oh, you've been doing so well. Aw. 840 00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:36,000 Is it the power company finally give you the cheque for a refund? 841 00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:39,000 That's probably right. Yeah. Yes, you finally get your refund. 842 00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:42,000 No, there is no evidence, although it is a commonly held belief, 843 00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,000 absolutely no evidence whatsoever from demographers 844 00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,000 and other such people that this is true. 845 00:41:47,000 --> 00:41:49,000 There was a famous 1965 blackout in New York and everybody said, 846 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:52,000 nine months later, including the New York Times, 847 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:53,000 that there was a sharp increase of births. 848 00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:56,000 But they then, after it was proved to be inaccurate, 849 00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:58,000 issued an acknowledgment that they had made a mistake. 850 00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,000 I mean, lights do go out every night. 851 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:03,000 I mean, it's not like we're permanently in sort of spotlights. 852 00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:06,000 Precisely, exactly. No. And so it's such a rare thing we go, 853 00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:09,000 "God, the lights are finally off. We can have sex!" Exactly. 854 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:11,000 "Oh, telly's not working. Go on, then." 855 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:19,000 I always go to the main fuse box. "Sorry, love." 856 00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:21,000 "Our leccy's gone." 857 00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:24,000 That's your foreplay, is it? Clever, clever, clever. Yeah. 858 00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:27,000 No, there is no evidence that people have more sex during a power cut. 859 00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:32,000 So, not with a boom, but a whimper, we come to the scores. 860 00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:36,000 Oh, my good night. HE CHUCKLES 861 00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:39,000 Well, we're going to start in last place, and I'm sorry to say, 862 00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:44,000 because of her filthy mouth, in last place with minus 48, 863 00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:45,000 it's Sue Perkins. Oh. 864 00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:47,000 APPLAUSE 865 00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:57,000 And hardly less Anglo-Saxon, with minus 28 is Kathy Lette. 866 00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:00,000 APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you. 867 00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:02,000 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 868 00:43:05,000 --> 00:43:09,000 And not losing again, with minus 8, it's Alan Davies. 869 00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:12,000 APPLAUSE 870 00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:18,000 Second place, you must be very proud. 871 00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:21,000 It only means there's one winner, with plus 2, Ross Noble. 872 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:23,000 APPLAUSE 873 00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:34,000 So, all that's left for me to do is to thank Kathy, Sue, Ross and Alan. 874 00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:36,000 And I leave you with the last words of former 875 00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:38,000 British Prime Minister, Pitt the Younger. 876 00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:41,000 "I think I could eat one of Bellamy's meat pies." 877 00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:44,000 What greater last words could you ever have? Good night. 878 00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:16,000 The heat in the Den is rising. 879 00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:19,000 You're coming across as, frankly, ridiculous.