1 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:33,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:36,080 Go-o-ood evening, 3 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:38,240 good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:41,480 good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, 5 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:43,840 where tonight lice, love handles 6 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:46,480 and lingerie are all lumped together. 7 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:49,720 Let's meet the lacy Jimmy Carr. 8 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:52,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much. 9 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:55,080 The lusty Ronni Ancona. 10 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,360 The leggy David Mitchell. 12 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:07,000 And the lamentable Alan Davies. 14 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:15,160 Now, before we even begin with the first question, 16 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:18,720 one of your buzzers has been investigated by the FBI. 17 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:22,080 Let's listen to all of them and see if you can get some early points 18 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:24,600 by guessing which one. Jimmy goes... 19 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:28,800 # Lola, la-la-la-la, Lola... # 20 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,240 Ronni goes... 21 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:33,160 # Lay, lady, lay 22 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:37,360 # Lay across my big brass bed... # 23 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,200 David goes... 24 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,520 # Louie Louie, oh, no 25 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:46,920 # Gotta go Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi... # 26 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,720 And Alan goes... 27 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:53,560 # Little Willy really won't go home... # 28 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:57,880 So, we've got Little Willy really won't go home. 29 00:01:57,880 --> 00:01:59,800 Your song, do you recognise it? 30 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,800 I did... I think I've heard those noises before, 31 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:06,000 - but I couldn't put words to them. - You seem to know it? - Louie Louie. 32 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,480 - Louie Louie. - Which I think was investigated by the FBI. 33 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:11,400 - Aha! - Because I think they thought it was a drug reference. 34 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:14,120 - They couldn't figure out what the song was about. - Worse than... 35 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:17,480 Well, is it worse than drugs? No, it isn't, it's better than, well... 36 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:19,400 - Sex. - Oh, it's a moral conundrum. 37 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,960 Is sex better or worse than drugs, when it comes to the FBI? 38 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,760 - Well, it can... It can be better and worse. - Yeah, you're right. 39 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:28,600 - Stephen, why can't we do both? - Yeah. One might assist the other. 40 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,560 - What's sex again? Sorry. - Aw... 41 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,600 So this is, the FBI investigated the song? 42 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,280 - Yeah, they investigated Louie Louie. You. - Right. 43 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:41,680 Yes, your song, because they thought it had very lewd references. 44 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:45,520 We can see what the lyrics actually were. 45 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:55,800 - Filth. - Yes. Well, that's what the lyric was. - Filth! 46 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,640 Ban this filth! 47 00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:01,120 What they thought was being sung was... 48 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,280 - And... - That's hysterical. - My God! 49 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:14,360 - The weird thing is... - They wrote a song about my pre-show ritual, Ronni. 50 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,440 The weird thing is, if you listen to it, 51 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,360 you can see why they thought that. 52 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:21,720 THE SONG PLAYS 53 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,040 LAUGHTER 54 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:29,080 It does sound like that, doesn't it? 55 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,120 So, they investigated it, played it slowly, 56 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,560 and they explained exactly what the lyrics were. 57 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:37,200 It's one of those effects, where if you look at the right lyrics and hear it back again, 58 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:41,360 - it does seem, "Oh, yes, I see what the words are." - Says more about them than it does about the artist. 59 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,560 Exactly. You're so right. 60 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,800 Well, that's early points then, for Jimmy Carr, who got that - 61 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,080 - that the FBI investigated Louie Louie. - Yeah! Go, early points! 62 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,360 APPLAUSE 63 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:58,240 Points early doors. Right, let's begin. 64 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:02,880 What did the man who invented the lava lamp do for leisure? 65 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,000 - There he is. - That's John Malkovich. 66 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,480 It does look a bit like John Malkovich. 67 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,760 In a Hawaiian shirt. 68 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,760 Was he into women? 69 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,240 Was he a lover man? 70 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,200 - Well, he was like most men. - I can't believe I did that. 71 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,640 - You know you said that out loud? - I know, I know, I know. 72 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,240 - You said, "Was he a lover man?" out loud, just now. - I know. 73 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:23,800 - They all heard. - Sorry. 74 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,320 Yeah, well, actually, I'm going to make a lava lamp... 75 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,400 - Have you got one? - ..for your edification, pleasure and entertainment. 76 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:33,080 I have here a little tube. This is actually a tube that usually 77 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:37,480 contains tennis balls, and this is a mixture of vegetable oil and water. 78 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:40,360 And I have here a little syringe. 79 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,800 Quite hard to mix, by the way, those two things. 80 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:44,240 Yeah, they are, because... 81 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,640 They separate and... Don't they, David? 82 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:50,280 - Yes... - Hello. So you pump the colour in. 83 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:51,840 And I'm going to use Alka-Seltzer 84 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:56,080 or any effervescent hangover cure pill will do. 85 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,960 - And I... - Are you going to say, "Don't try this at home?" 86 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,480 Well, you can, actually. 87 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,200 Honestly, it's not like Mentos, it's not going to explode. 88 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,760 And cue light. There we go. Pop it on. 89 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,120 - And, then, as the... - Oh, it's a beautiful thing. 90 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,080 ..effervescent works, it begins... 91 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,600 Yeah, there we are, beginning to get the effect. 92 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,720 There we are, the colour's now beginning to come into it. 93 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,720 And you're getting a, sort of, lava lamp there. 94 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,440 Obviously, professionally, they're made more permanent. 95 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,280 A lava lamp, ladies and gentlemen. 96 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,720 APPLAUSE 97 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:28,080 But you've all got the equipment, as it were, 98 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,200 - so you can make one yourselves. - Oh, so exciting! 99 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,240 - Aren't you lucky? - Yeah. - It's so exciting. 100 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,880 - We've begun with the thrilling excitement. - Awesome. 101 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,240 Let's try and get it done quick. 102 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:39,840 - Do you have to pay something to the format holders of the Generation Game? - Yeah. 103 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:43,160 - It is a bit Generation Game, you're right. - Yeah. - OK, let's just... 104 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:46,200 - What do we do with that? - We inject colour in, I think. 105 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:49,520 - Inject colour. You've all got different colours to make it thrilling. - So... 106 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,920 Don't put too much of the effervescent hangover cure... 107 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:55,480 - Oh, I put all of it in. - Did you? Oh, no. Did you? 108 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,280 - It's a slightly manic lava lamp. - Don't put too many pills in. 109 00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:00,120 And now just put a little of the... 110 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:01,800 No, put loads in, it's brilliant. 111 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,800 - Yeah, just put a little in, yeah. - Look at that! 112 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,080 - Look at your bullshit lava lamp. - Mine has dried. 113 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:07,720 Ours is so brilliant. Look at that! 114 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:10,640 - Your lava lamp is... - Hey! - Give... Steal another one of the... 115 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:13,680 - RONNI: - It's happening. It's all happening in our corner. - I can feed it. 116 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,720 - Won't it explode now? - Hopefully. 117 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,160 I can... No! No, you don't. No! 118 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,440 You're no fun. Stick another one in, ours has gone mental. 119 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,240 I'm a responsible adult, there has to be one on this programme. 120 00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:25,880 - RONNI: - Look at all these little balls. 121 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:29,560 - DAVID: - I'm nervous of having them... - Stop saying that! 122 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,680 - I've got rather... - This genuinely reminds me so much of school, 123 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:36,040 when you said, "Don't put all the Alka-Seltzer in," 124 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,120 and then Alan said, "We're putting it all in," as a result. 125 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:41,760 And I've gone along with him and now I'm frightened. 126 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:43,880 You're the one in trouble. 127 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:47,880 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 128 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,440 Is it going to blow?! 129 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,880 - Sir? Sir?! - Sir?! Sir?! 130 00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,480 All right! 131 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,040 - Sir?! Sir?! - All right! 132 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:02,560 - All right. - Sir! 133 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,000 All right. 134 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,640 David Mitchell, you made me laugh. 135 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,400 You made me laugh, David. 136 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,680 - I've told you before... - You're in trouble! 137 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,280 It's not funny. 138 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,520 There's nothing funny about making people laugh. 139 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,160 LAUGHTER 140 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,280 Dear, oh, dear. I've got oily hands. 141 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:22,800 Mitchell's taken the lid off, sir! 142 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,280 Mitchell's taken the lid off, it's not sealed. 143 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,040 This is most unfortunate. 144 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,360 Are you...? Have you just...? 145 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,600 Why haven't you got any little balls in yours? 146 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,800 I beg your pardon? 147 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,400 This is not how it was supposed to happen, at all. 148 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:37,800 LAUGHTER 149 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,880 I love how broad Stephen's remit is. 150 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,040 That's industrial... 151 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,080 APPLAUSE 152 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:51,520 We all know why Alan has industrial strength tissues. 153 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,760 LAUGHTER 154 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,120 - RONNI: - You're not supposed to do that, Jimmy. 155 00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:58,840 Right, everybody put their trays away. 156 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:00,720 - DAVID: - You've put gunk all on the eye. 157 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,520 Yeah. Rebel! 158 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:04,880 So, well done with your lava lamps, 159 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:06,720 he said, between gritted teeth. 160 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,520 The inventor was Edward Craven Walker, 161 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,800 who was born in 1918 and died in the year 2000. 162 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,360 I asked you at the very beginning 163 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:17,160 what his other leisure pursuits were. 164 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:20,000 Let me read you what he said about the lava lamp. 165 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,040 He said, "It starts from nothing, grows possibly a little feminine, 166 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,840 "then a little bit masculine, then breaks up and has children. 167 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,080 "It's a sexy thing." 168 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,320 He was having a "lava", wasn't he? 169 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:33,560 Sorry, I can't believe I did that again. 170 00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:36,160 - Don't look at me like that. - Don't punish yourself, it's fine. 171 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:37,680 Not angry, I'm just disappointed. 172 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:38,920 LAUGHTER 173 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,560 He thought it was like he'd made an organism. 174 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,960 - A sort of lovely, sexy thing. - Yeah. 175 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,000 And he was that kind of a man, I'm afraid. 176 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,120 Was he a swinger? Was he one of the swingers? 177 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,840 - He was pretty much a swinger. - Oh, was he? 178 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,000 He directed nudist films. 179 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,480 - Nudist films? - Yeah. 180 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:56,800 He was a nudist, was he? 181 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,640 His were "nat-urist" films, yes, or naturist, depending on how... 182 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,040 The fact that that was his hobby, 183 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,640 did he not turn a profit on the porn? 184 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:05,000 It wasn't porn... 185 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,640 He had to subsidise his porn-making habit 186 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,160 with his lava lamp business. 187 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:10,720 LAUGHTER 188 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:14,160 He got the first naturist film that was on public release. 189 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,160 - That's the point. - That's not how you do it! 190 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:17,880 LAUGHTER 191 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:20,400 It's not porn. It's about people being naked. 192 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,600 And this was a ballet underwater. 193 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:26,280 - Vulcans do it like that. - Do they? - Yes. - Do they? 194 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,920 Is that one of his? Is that a still from one of his? 195 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:30,920 No, actually, we've made that up, apparently. 196 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,920 - Are those members of the production team? - Yes. 197 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,160 LAUGHTER 198 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:36,640 I don't think they're being paid enough to have to do that. 199 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,160 A couple of our elves...relaxing. 200 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,520 When you say the QI elves, 201 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,720 that's not the image that springs into my mind. 202 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:44,520 You think of sun-starved, specky creatures who are researching. 203 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:47,360 I don't want to be unkind, but, yes, I do. 204 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,440 Not a male and a female trying to do some sort of scissor sisters action. 205 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:55,000 Well, Edward Craven Walker founded the largest nudist colony in Britain, too, or one of the largest. 206 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,360 Milton Keynes! 207 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:57,600 LAUGHTER 208 00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:01,200 Do you know the name of the company that still sells the lava lamps? 209 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,280 His company? 210 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:07,440 - It begins with... Something to do... It's Math... - Mathmos? 211 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,120 Mathmos. Share the points between you. 212 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:13,120 - Do you know where that name comes from? - Mathmos? - Yeah. 213 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:16,480 - The film starring Jane Fonda. - Ooh! - Barbarellis? 214 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,160 - Barbarella. - Oh, yes! - Barbarella. 215 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,720 Yes, it was a seething lake of oily substances. 216 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,880 - And Duran Duran comes in that movie as well? - It does, absolutely. 217 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:28,360 The city of Sogo in Barbarella had this lake of Mathmos. 218 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,880 At school, we used to call people who were good at maths "math-mos". 219 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,840 - That's right, that's still used. - Just a different pronunciation? 220 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,400 I like the idea at school you looked down on anyone. 221 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:40,880 - Like, "Good at maths, bloody idiots!" - No, I-I... 222 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,160 I deemed it a term of respect. 223 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,680 LAUGHTER 224 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,880 Were they calling you mathmos? 225 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:52,280 - Wear your mathmo badge with pride! And they did wear badges. - Yeah? 226 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:56,000 - Did they? - You DID wear badges! - I collected badges! 227 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,360 - RONNI: - Did you? - Aww! 228 00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,200 Yeah, cos you go to, like, Warwick Castle and London Zoo, 229 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,280 and in order for the Western economy to prosper, 230 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,040 small children have to buy pointless objects. 231 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,920 In all of these places, you could buy a bookmark, 232 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,600 - you could buy a paperweight... - A pencil-topper! 233 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,600 Exactly. Or you could buy a badge. 234 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,200 And I always bought a badge, 235 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,320 and that's how I expressed my personality. 236 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,640 LAUGHTER 237 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,360 I didn't have to think, "What shall I buy? Ooh..." 238 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:27,280 No, didn't have to think. I always buy a badge. 239 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:31,720 It took him ages to take them all off before we came on here as well! 240 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:38,040 Now, how can I make sure that I dream about scantily clad women? 241 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:42,960 Does it work to look at a scantily-clad woman just before you go to sleep? 242 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:44,720 You're along the right lines, yes. 243 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:50,560 There was a Frenchman with the marvellous name of Marie-Jean-Leon Lecoq, the Marquis d'Hervey... 244 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,720 - "Lay-on The Cock"? - Leon Lecoq. 245 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,000 LAUGHTER 246 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:58,160 He was the Marquis d'Hervey de Saint-Denys, and he was a beardy old Victorian aristocrat, 247 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:01,400 as you can see from this picture of him. There he is, with his medals. 248 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,920 I thought you were going to say "pervert" there. 249 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,120 - "Beardy old Victorian pervert." - His technique... 250 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,120 What are the medals for?! 251 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,680 He's looking at a scantily-clad lady right there. 252 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,440 I can tell you what they are. 253 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,840 The first one, he went to Warwick Castle... 254 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,360 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 255 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:20,520 ..the next one was London Zoo. That's a pencil-topper. 256 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:27,120 He was very much the French David Mitchell of his age. 257 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:30,360 So, what was his technique for dreaming of scantily-clad women? 258 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:34,080 Well, what he would do is he would paint a scantily-clad woman 259 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:37,480 all day while chewing an orris root. 260 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,760 Orris root is used in potpourris and perfumes and such things. 261 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:45,560 And then he would go to sleep and his servant would place, 262 00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:49,120 while he was asleep, some orris root in his mouth, very gently. 263 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:52,560 And this would summon up the memory of scantily clad women 264 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:55,280 and he would have what is known, technically, as a lucid dream. 265 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:59,480 A dream which you are aware of and which you have a kind of control over. A bit like... 266 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:02,320 Presumably, it was an improvement for the servant on what 267 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,280 he was previously asked to do. 268 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,040 LAUGHTER 269 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:07,760 Yes, I imagine so! 270 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,920 But there are ways you can do this for yourself without a servant, 271 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,840 according to Richard Wiseman, 272 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:14,880 who has written a new book called Night School. 273 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:18,080 And one of them is you check your watch regularly, 274 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,920 as much as you can, being absolutely sure to 275 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,960 look at the numbers, the numerals on the watch, throughout the day. 276 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,040 Right. 277 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:28,120 And this is likely to cause you to dream of yourself 278 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,440 looking at the watch when you're asleep. 279 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,680 But you won't be able to see the numbers properly. 280 00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:36,600 And this forces you, somehow, to be aware that you're in a dream. 281 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,920 You kind of know you're looking for the numbers and they're not there, 282 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,560 and that kind of puts you in control in the sort of Holodeck 283 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,280 of your dream, as it were. 284 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:48,280 - I can see a very serious flaw in this man's plan. - Yes? 285 00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:50,760 What happens if, one day, when you're awake, 286 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,920 you put on a watch that doesn't have numbers, just has little lines. 287 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,120 You look at it later in the day and you think, 288 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,680 - "Oh, brilliant, I'm in a dream!" - LAUGHTER 289 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:02,920 "I can do what I like! I'm not really at work. 290 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:06,160 "The receptionist from work isn't really here. I can do what I like!" 291 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:07,800 It could be like Terry-Thomas, 292 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,520 - and call Sir Dennis an "old buffoon". - Exactly! 293 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:14,160 The people will be calling each other "old buffoons" all the time before you know it. 294 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:19,640 I imagine, in that scenario, you woke up in the office, you thought, "Oh, I'm in a dream." 295 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,880 I imagine you would quietly get on with your work. 296 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:23,600 LAUGHTER 297 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,160 Sad to say, but I think that's what would happen! 298 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,600 Apparently, 50% of us have had a lucid dream, in that sense, 299 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,000 in our lives. 300 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:34,480 And you're more likely to have one if you are a computer gamer as well. 301 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,000 Which is perhaps not surprising, spending your time... 302 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,360 sort of, you know, Grand-Thefting. 303 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,160 LAUGHTER 304 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:42,920 Now, on to lingerie. 305 00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:46,080 Whom did your great-great- great-great-grandmother 306 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:47,360 throw her pants at? 307 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:50,120 - Great-great... How many greats? - Four greats and a grandmother. 308 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:53,440 - Great-great-great-great-grandmother. - That's...Victorian. - Yeah. 309 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,360 If that's Scouse, though, that could be the '70s. 310 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,520 LAUGHTER 311 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,640 Oh! Ohh! 312 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,240 APPLAUSE 313 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,280 What?! 314 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,000 - I love the way you go, "What?!" - I think they'll be all right. 315 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,120 They've got a sense of humour, don't panic! 316 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,320 Could you do the next five minutes in a Scouse voice, 317 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,600 so that we won't get letters of complaint? 318 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,720 - SCOUSE ACCENT: - OK. OK, then. 319 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,480 What were you going to say? 320 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:23,600 SCOUSE ACCENT: Oh, I want some chicken and a can of Coke. 321 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,280 I can do only Scouse if I say... 322 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,040 SCOUSE ACCENT: ..I want some chicken and a can of Coke. 323 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:32,640 That's what they say, isn't it? Sorry, no! No, no! 324 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,320 - DAVID: - Let's get on to something... - Disgraceful. Disgraceful. 325 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,680 Let's get on to Israel or something less contentious. 326 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:40,160 LAUGHTER 327 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:43,440 Would it have been kind of, like, at the time... So we're talking... 328 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:46,240 - that would be about 1850? - Yeah, early Victorian era. 329 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,320 Early Victorian. So, didn't they get...? 330 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:49,840 Their celebrities at the time 331 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,640 were people who were doing useful things, 332 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,400 - like Isambard Kingdom Brunel, or someone? - No. 333 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:57,120 - RP ACCENT: - No-one does suspension like him. 334 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,600 I love his cantilevers. 335 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,400 I love the fact that your great-great-great-great-grandmother 336 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,680 - was always old. - Yeah, I don't know why I did that. 337 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,840 Even when she was throwing her knickers at people, 338 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,080 she was an old lady. 339 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,520 I don't know... It was a celebrity of the time? 340 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:11,840 He was a celebrity. 341 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,760 And the most famous pant-throwing receptor was Tom Jones, 342 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:18,440 or is Tom Jones, of course - still very much alive and booming. 343 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,560 What do you mean, "still very much alive"? 344 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:21,920 Have you not seen The Voice? 345 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,160 LAUGHTER 346 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,800 I don't get this phenomenon of throwing your pants at someone, 347 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,320 because at what point... Do you go out with extra pants? 348 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:32,240 Do you, literally, go, "I've got the car keys, travel card, 349 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,360 "pants on, pants to throw?" 350 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,000 The gesture is meaningless 351 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,920 unless they're the pants you were wearing for functional reasons. 352 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,760 If you've just brought a bag of other pants, 353 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,680 - then it might as well be a term of abuse. - Yeah. 354 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,520 But what if it's David Cassidy? 355 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,120 What if you've got flares on, David, 356 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,000 and you're watching a David Cassidy thing, 357 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,000 do you take them off down one leg or do you take them all off? 358 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,840 We still haven't clearly approached... 359 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,760 - DAVID: - Garibaldi. - Not Garibaldi. 360 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,600 You're in the right area with music. 361 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,040 - He was popular, Garibaldi. - Yes, but he wasn't a musician! 362 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,840 - Oh, music. Oh, right. - Oh, is it a composer? 363 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:04,480 - Bourbon. Custard cream. - A composer, but a performer, 364 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,720 - the most extraordinary performer of his day. - Liszt! 365 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,280 Franz Liszt is the right answer. 366 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:09,720 Absolutely. Well done. 367 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,760 - APPLAUSE - Phew. We got there. 368 00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:16,600 It looks more as if he'd been attacked by a swarm of bees, 369 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,360 but that is supposed to indicate ladies 370 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,280 and their husbands trying to restrain them. 371 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,920 These women - some of them fainting, throwing kisses - 372 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,280 you can see, they're absolutely rapturous. 373 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:30,320 And they were completely astounded by this man, his virtuosity. 374 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,040 Was he as good as Liberace...? 375 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,760 I knew that would upset him. 376 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,440 Look at him - he's livid. 377 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,160 He was an astounding composer as well as a remarkable pianist. 378 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,920 And, of course, he was exploiting the new developments in pianos 379 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,360 and the arrival of the pianoforte 380 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,480 as opposed to the fortepiano, which preceded it. 381 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,440 And he was remarkable for many other reasons, as well. 382 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,200 He had affairs with a lot of people, including Lola Montez. 383 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,640 Do you know of Lola Montez? 384 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,760 An extraordinary Irish woman who'd had an affair 385 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:01,560 with Ludwig of Bavaria and caused a revolution in Bavaria, in fact. 386 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:02,800 There she is. 387 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,000 And then, amazingly, Liszt became an abbe - 388 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,640 an abbot, essentially. A man of the cloth. 389 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,840 "He is very thin and tall," Charles Halle said. 390 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,480 "He has perfectly lank hair so long 391 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:14,000 "that it spreads over his shoulders, which looks very odd. 392 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,920 "When he gets excited and gesticulates, 393 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,600 "it falls right over his face and one sees nothing of his nose." 394 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,640 So, he was like an old English sheepdog, perhaps, in that sense. 395 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:22,880 He had Olga Janina, 396 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,000 who was a former pupil with whom he'd had a fling, 397 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,760 who pursued him all over Europe 398 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:29,000 and eventually got so upset and hysterical 399 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,640 that she stalked him and tried to stab him and committed suicide. 400 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,400 So, he really, you know, was a star. 401 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,760 I mean, a real, real star in the most extraordinary way. 402 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,200 It's a very odd thing, that. 403 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,960 The guy that killed John Lennon was such a huge fan of John Lennon. 404 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,880 It's a very weird thing when people get so... 405 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,600 "For each man kills the thing he loves." 406 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,000 Let this be known. 407 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,240 The brave man does it with the sword, the coward, etc. 408 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:51,000 - How many fans have you got, Jimmy? - Not enough to be worried. 409 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,120 LAUGHTER 410 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:55,200 It's a lovely level of fame, a comedian, I think. 411 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,960 People come up and tell you jokes all day, which is very pleasant, 412 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,200 but no-one's ever outside your house going, 413 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,560 "I made you a cake." 414 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,840 Well, there's always the Daily Mail, Jimmy - they're always outside. 415 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,120 They're happy. 416 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,080 So, yeah, the ladies went loopy for Liszt, 417 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,760 the Justin Bieber of his day. 418 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,120 That's hardly right, come on, but you know what I mean. 419 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:18,520 All right, Harry Styles. 420 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,240 Stop it. He was a genius. Total genius. 421 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,080 Now for a game of Spot The Leaf. 422 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,480 I want you to tell me how many leaves are in this picture. 423 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,280 Oh, that's going to be easy. 424 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,560 # Lay, lady, lay... # 425 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,040 Six? Six... 426 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,200 - ALARM BLARES - Oh! 427 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,720 It's going to be five and a creepy-crawly. 428 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,520 Five and a creepy-crawly is the right... 429 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,840 Creepy-crawly is the technical term. He is pretty good, though, isn't he? 430 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:42,440 He is very impressive. 431 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,640 Even with the little, sort of, disease marks. 432 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,560 And you'll see - we have film of him - 433 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,680 he, kind of, waves in the wind, like a leaf. 434 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,960 Insects, of course, get eaten whole by birds, 435 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,480 and so his strategy is to look like that. But the problem is, 436 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:57,240 he occasionally gets bits of himself nibbled by caterpillars. So... 437 00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:00,440 So you've got to be a bit careful when the you're looking like a leaf. 438 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:03,360 I imagine the caterpillar's livid. It's going, "I'm a vegetarian!" 439 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:04,640 Well, that's it, exactly. 440 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,560 They take one bite and go, "Eugh, that's not what I wanted at all! 441 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:10,560 - What does HE eat? - Good point. I think he eats leaves. 442 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,960 - So he looks like his own lunch? - Yes! 443 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,760 - LAUGHTER - That would disturb me, if I... 444 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:19,120 - That's what you call being hoisted by your own petard, that is. - Definitely. 445 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:22,920 If I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked like some delicious mashed potato... 446 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,600 - In a way, I do. - LAUGHTER 447 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,720 It's not... Doesn't do my self-esteem any good. 448 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:33,240 - You think he ever looks at his wife and goes, "Oh, she looks amazing." - "Tasty! Very tasty!" 449 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:37,320 - "I'm ravenous." - It's Phylliidae, called walking leaves, leaf insects, many other things. 450 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,480 They are found in southeast Asia and Australia. 451 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,720 But we have also the satanic leaf-tailed gecko, 452 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,840 which looks like an autumnal leaf. 453 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,240 - SHE GASPS - That is extraordinary! 454 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:51,600 Because it's in the dry deciduous forests of Madagascar. And there... 455 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,000 - It curls up like a curled up leaf. - That's amazing. 456 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,320 - But can he only come out in autumn? - Well, it's an interesting point. 457 00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,800 I've been to the deciduous forests of Madagascar. 458 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:03,040 It was in the summer, and there was so much dead litter on the ground. 459 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:06,440 - It's dry, they are dry forests. - Yeah. - So I think he's probably... 460 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,680 All year round, it's kind of OK to be on this, kind of, stuff... 461 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:11,200 There he is. Amazing, really. 462 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:14,640 - Either that, or living in the '70s, he'd be fine. - Yeah, he would. 463 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,360 Or, they don't exist and someone has drawn eyes on a leaf. 464 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:20,760 LAUGHTER It's worth considering that. 465 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:22,840 Now, rather astonishingly, 466 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,080 there's a plant that is a master of disguise. 467 00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:28,080 - See if you can spot which plant. - Looks like a badger! 468 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:29,800 LAUGHTER 469 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:33,600 I would say, if it's trying to not look like a plant, it's failed. 470 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,640 LAUGHTER 471 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,280 Does it look like another planet? Is that what it's doing? 472 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,680 That's it. One of those leaves is actually a totally different species 473 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,720 and it has made itself look like that species. 474 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,600 There it is, the arrow's pointing at it. 475 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,840 It's only recently been discovered that it's a totally different species. 476 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,200 I think the point is, it tries to look like a leaf 477 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,160 that isn't very digestible or pleasant. 478 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,160 Because it itself is, 479 00:21:57,160 --> 00:22:00,120 and so it has learnt how to look like something that is not tasty. 480 00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:02,240 Why didn't it learn not to be tasty? 481 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,800 LAUGHTER 482 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,680 Well, the deliciousness is a given, but... 483 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,240 Evolution... 484 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:10,960 Give living things millions of years 485 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,240 and they will just go through strange processes. 486 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,080 Did chocolate sauce evolve to look like diarrhoea? 487 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,920 LAUGHTER 488 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,840 - So that people wouldn't eat it?! - Yeah. "It might be diarrhoea... 489 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,720 "This seems like quite a nice restaurant, 490 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:26,320 "I doubt it is diarrhoea, but... let me give it a sniff first." 491 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,800 That's why God gave us noses. I think! 492 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,800 Leaves aren't always what they seem. 493 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:36,520 Now, a question about larceny. 494 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,680 Where did the 40 shoplifting Elephants hide their loot? 495 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,600 LAUGHTER 496 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,200 - In a cave? - Mmm... 497 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,040 - Like Ali Baba's thieves? - Ali Baba's 40 thieves. 498 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,440 In their trunks. 499 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,200 - ALARM BLARES - Oh, dear, oh, dear! 500 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,320 Totally worth it, David. Totally worth it! 501 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,880 Somebody had to fall on their sword and that was very noble. 502 00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:01,960 No, the Elephants existed from the 1700s all the way to the 1950s. 503 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,320 And they took their name from an area of London that has 504 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,320 - the word Elephant in it, which would be... - Elephant and Castle. 505 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,520 Elephant and Castle, that's right. 506 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:13,000 - Is this a pickpocket gang? - Not pickpocket. 507 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:16,760 They were a gang of shoplifters, and they had special clothing made 508 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:20,680 and special muffs and special false hands and all kinds of things, 509 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,960 and they would sometimes attack all types of shops at the same time, 510 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,560 and then have huge, lavish parties to celebrate. 511 00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:30,360 - Tinfoil in your coats. - Yeah, or any number of clever little tactics. 512 00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:32,880 It means when you got out, it doesn't go "bleep-bleep". 513 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,320 - Yeah. - That's... Don't tell the ladies and gentlemen...! 514 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:36,600 LAUGHTER 515 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:39,520 - I only tell them how they get caught. - Aha! 516 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,920 A friend of mine wrote an article about a current group 517 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:45,120 of really serious shoplifters called The Oysters. 518 00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:47,960 And he called them up and said, "Why are you called The Oysters? 519 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:51,440 "Is it something to do with, you know, because you clamp things shut...?" 520 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,680 "Well, because we 'oist stuff, isn't it?" 521 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,800 LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH 522 00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:01,680 He had to go through and change the spelling, do a global search 523 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:03,600 and replace to "Hoister". 524 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:07,120 - But these were The Hoisters. - The Hoister cult. - Yeah, The Hoisters. 525 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:09,880 We know other things about real elephants who are criminals. 526 00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,200 In 2013, not that long ago, 527 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:16,480 the second-tallest elephant in India was arrested for murder. 528 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:19,680 - Which is rather unfair. - Did it run amok? That's what they do, isn't it? 529 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,480 They always run amok, that is the phrase. 530 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:25,640 There was an elephant that was hung. Is that one you're talking about, the elephant that was hung? 531 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,480 I think they're all pretty well hung! LAUGHTER 532 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,360 Yeah, yeah, there was one that was hanged, absolutely right. 533 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:35,360 - We've covered this. - I heard about some criminals... It was a smuggler. 534 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,280 Do you know the story? It's a famous story. 535 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:40,000 From Pakistan to Afghanistan, there was a famous smuggler 536 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,600 - who used to smuggle things across the border. - Right. 537 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,280 He was known as a brilliant smuggler. 538 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,120 And they used to stop him at border control 539 00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:49,080 and they would check these elephants, like, "What have you got here?" 540 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:52,120 Go through all the bags, and they could never find the contraband. 541 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,400 And eventually, he was like... He was retiring. 542 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:57,320 They said, "You've got to tell us..." One of the guys bumped into him. 543 00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,320 "What were you smuggling all those years?" He went, "Elephants." 544 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,760 There's something about that that's entirely beautiful. 545 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,400 So, the Forty Elephants were lady shoplifters, 546 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,480 with lots of loot in their muffs. 547 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:13,960 Who has the world's largest love handles 548 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:15,400 and what do they use them for? 549 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:17,840 Eric Pickles. 550 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:19,600 - ALARM BLARES - Oh, dear! 551 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,160 You're joking! You are joking! 552 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,200 You see. 553 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,200 # Lola... # 554 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,320 Oh, I'd forgotten about that. 555 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:33,760 Blue whale? 556 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:35,960 Not the blue whale. 557 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:39,080 Sorry, so it's not the blue whale, but I'm close? 558 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:40,840 - You are. - A barnacle. 559 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:45,840 Stay with setaceous creatures. Stay with a mammal. 560 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:48,560 - So, it's a type of whale? - A mammal that lives in the sea. 561 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:50,160 It's a whale. And it begins with a B. 562 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:51,520 Blue whale. 563 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,760 Have another look, Stephen, because I'm pretty sure I got it right. 564 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:57,880 There are other kinds of whale that begin with a B. 565 00:25:57,880 --> 00:25:59,120 Bum whale, bull whale... 566 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:01,560 - Well, there's the bowhead. - RONNI: - Bull whale. Big whale. 567 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,680 What's the famous and expensive kind of caviar? 568 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:05,400 - Beluga. - RONNI: - Oh, beluga whale! 569 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:06,640 Beluga whale, yes. 570 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:08,000 There one is. 571 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,000 Look at it, that one's going, "Hello!" 572 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:12,400 It's lying on its side. 573 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:13,440 "Hello! 574 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:16,920 "Hello! 575 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,960 "I'm a beluga whale, you know. 576 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:22,120 "Ayoo! 577 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,040 "This is all I can do!" 578 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:30,080 He's very chirpy. They have no dorsal fin and amazingly... 579 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,600 "I haven't got a dorsal fin, you know!" 580 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:35,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 581 00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:42,040 "Whoo-hoo-hoo-hooo! 582 00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:45,280 "I don't feel the cold! I don't feel it." 583 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:47,320 They don't, because of their blubber. 584 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:49,320 It's all in the blubber. 585 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,360 They have midriff blubber, which they can control... 586 00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:54,800 "Feel my love handles, baby! Hello!" 587 00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,720 They control their love handles with special muscles, 588 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:02,160 so that's how they move around and that's how they...you know. 589 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,520 - That's how I roll. - That's how they roll! 590 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:07,440 Exactly. Exactly right. 591 00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:15,520 They move up and down with their love handles. 592 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:18,880 And they're hunted by the local Inupiat people in the Arctic. 593 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:20,320 "I hate them!" 594 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:24,040 You've got a career in animation ahead of you. 595 00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,280 It's like Richard Attenborough's programmes 596 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,360 being revoiced by South Park. 597 00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,120 LAUGHTER 598 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:33,920 There is no show that wouldn't be improved 599 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:35,760 by being revoiced by South Park. 600 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:38,280 It's true. 601 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:40,200 And their fat is called muktuk. 602 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,440 and is highly prized by the Inuits, and the Inupiat, 603 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:45,920 because it's high in vitamin C, surprisingly. 604 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:47,960 Oh, look at that. Double chips with that. 605 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,760 Mmm. There's one in Baltimore. 606 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:53,520 Yeah, the beluga whale. Full of love handles. 607 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:56,880 I've just spotted that guy pointing at it in the front there. 608 00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:58,840 "Look at that. In case you haven't spotted it. 609 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:01,760 "Look, there's a whale." 610 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:04,680 The other guy's pointing, as well. 611 00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:06,320 "Where? There!" 612 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:09,440 - "I've spotted him. There he is." - "Where is it? There!" 613 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,640 "What do you mean you can't see? He's there!" 614 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:13,200 - "Oh, there? Oh!" - He's there. 615 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,680 And the other guy there, he's there. 616 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:19,440 "I'm sorry, I don't recognise anything that's not wearing a hat." 617 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:24,280 Anyway, the beluga whales steady themselves 618 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:26,320 with the world's largest love handles. 619 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:29,440 "All that we caught, we left behind, 620 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,040 "and carry away all that we did not catch." 621 00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:34,920 What am I talking about? 622 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:36,160 Venereal disease. 623 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:39,280 LAUGHTER 624 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:41,480 Somewhere along the line, I'm sure. 625 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,920 What I'd already caught, I left behind, 626 00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:45,360 by giving it to other people. 627 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,600 - Yeah. - By breathing it out? 628 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:48,840 Well, it is a riddle. 629 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,280 It was a riddle given to a man of mythic status, 630 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:53,360 so much so, we don't even know if he existed, 631 00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:56,200 and yet his name is incredibly famous and there are statues of him, 632 00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:58,120 even though we don't know that he existed. 633 00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:00,840 - King Arthur? - No, older than that. An oracle. 634 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:05,000 The most famous of the oracles in the Western Canon of Delphi 635 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:08,560 told him that he would die on the island of Ios 636 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:11,920 and that he should beware the riddles of young children. 637 00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:14,640 And this man went round the Greek islands as a minstrel, 638 00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:16,080 because that's what he did - 639 00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:19,200 he sang poems to a lyre. 640 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:22,920 So, they were lyric, but they're known as epic, in fact. 641 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:27,320 And the great epic poems of Greek civilisation, the two are...? 642 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:29,960 - Homer. - Homer. - Homer. And it's Homer we're thinking of. 643 00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:31,960 Homer, supposedly, in this story, 644 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:34,320 went to Ios where he encountered a group of fisher boys. 645 00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:36,520 He went to Ios? But the guy just said don't go! 646 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:38,600 I know, but this always happens in Greek myths 647 00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:41,040 when to do with the Delphi. I mean, think of Oedipus and... 648 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:42,200 - RONNI: - They don't listen. 649 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:44,920 Well, sometimes, the Oracle is quite enigmatic and difficult. 650 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:46,720 - Yes. - But if he said, "Don't go to Ios..." 651 00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:49,280 - That's really straightforward. - ..and he goes, you know... 652 00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:52,680 Anyway, Homer went to Ios and he encountered a group of fisher boys. 653 00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:55,360 He asked them what they'd caught and they gave him this riddle. 654 00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:57,960 And I'll repeat it again. "All that we caught, we left behind, 655 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:00,040 "and carry away all that we did not catch." 656 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:01,600 And he suddenly remembered, Homer, 657 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,120 "Oh, my God, I shouldn't have asked riddles AND I'm on Ios." 658 00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:06,960 And maybe that's the thing about being cursed or having a prophecy, 659 00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:09,960 that you stop concentrating. He slipped, cracked his head, died. 660 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:12,520 Should've gone to Argos. 661 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:13,880 LAUGHTER 662 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:16,800 - Absolutely right. - You can get everything there. 663 00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:19,960 Argos was Jason's ship, of course, wasn't it? Hence the Argonauts. 664 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:21,560 - Yes. Yes. - Yes. 665 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:23,080 LAUGHTER 666 00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:24,320 In fact, Argos, the chain, 667 00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:26,160 call their staff Argonauts to this day. 668 00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:27,680 - Oh, do they? - No. 669 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:31,240 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 670 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:34,480 Oh, ladies and gentlemen. 671 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:38,480 Oh, wow! 672 00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:44,080 - I'm going to give you two riddles from the Essex Book... - By the way, what's the solution...? 673 00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:47,520 - I haven't given you the solution, what am I thinking?! - Yeah! - The solution is lice. 674 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:48,560 Lice, you see. 675 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:51,080 - You catch the lice in your hair, you leave them behind. - Yes? 676 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:52,840 And you carry away those you don't catch, 677 00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:54,800 - because they're stuck in your hair. - The nits? 678 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:57,560 - Yeah, the nits. Exactly. - Those are the worst fishermen ever. 679 00:30:57,560 --> 00:30:58,720 Yeah, I know. 680 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,440 But I've got the Essex Book, one of the great Anglo-Saxon books. 681 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:03,640 - I've got an Essex riddle. - It is filled with riddles. 682 00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:07,040 - No, Exeter, sorry. - Oh, sorry. - Go on with your riddle. We know you want to say it. 683 00:31:07,040 --> 00:31:08,880 How do you turn the lights on after sex? 684 00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:12,400 - Open the car door. - Oh! Very good! 685 00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:15,720 So, moving way west, way west, all the way to Devon, we're in Exeter. 686 00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:17,920 One of the great works of Anglo-Saxon literature, 687 00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:19,920 the Exeter Book, written in the 10th century, 688 00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:22,640 contains more than 90 riddles, most of which are rather rude. 689 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:24,520 Here's one. "My stem is erect. 690 00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:28,680 "I stand up over the bed, hairy somewhere down below. 691 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:32,000 "A peasant's daughter lays her hand on me, seizes me, 692 00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:36,240 "red, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold. 693 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:37,960 "Wet be that eye." 694 00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:41,240 What is being referred to? 695 00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:43,480 - Shagging. - My junk! 696 00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:45,320 Surely, it's shagging. 697 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,560 That's the point, it's a riddle. 698 00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:50,520 It makes you think that it's full of double entendres. 699 00:31:50,520 --> 00:31:53,920 - Obviously made to sound like a penis. - Is it a plant or something? 700 00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:57,680 It is a plant. But, "Wet be that eye." What plant wets your eye? 701 00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:01,560 And is hairy down below...when you pull it out of the ground? 702 00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:04,120 - Like a novelty flower... - Audience? 703 00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:05,800 AUDIENCE: Onions! 704 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:07,640 You must feel ashamed of yourselves! 705 00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:09,760 - LAUGHTER - Another one. 706 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:13,680 "A curiosity hangs by the thigh of a man under its master's cloak. 707 00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:16,040 "It is pierced through in the front, 708 00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:18,480 "it is stiff and hard, and when the man pulls up 709 00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:19,920 "his own robe above his knee, 710 00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:22,800 "he means to poke with the head of his hanging thing 711 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:26,640 "that familiar hole of matching length which he has often 712 00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:28,080 "filled before." 713 00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:32,720 Just kiss me, Stephen. 714 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:35,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 715 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:39,000 All this messing around! 716 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:45,040 - Sounds like shagging again. - It does, yeah! 717 00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:46,320 "It hangs by his thigh"? 718 00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:48,480 - RONNI: - Is it a hilt, the hilt of a sword? 719 00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:51,280 - Keys in a hole? - Keys is the right answer. It is a key. 720 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:53,040 "A curiosity hangs by the thigh of a man." 721 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:55,800 They hang that by their belt. "Under its master's cloak." 722 00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:58,680 It's pierced through in the front, as it is a pierced piece of iron. 723 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:00,840 "It is stiff and hard." No question about that. 724 00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:03,160 "When the man pulls up his own robe above his knee, 725 00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:06,400 "he means to poke with the head of his hanging thing that 726 00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:09,560 "familiar hole of matching length," which is the keyhole. 727 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,160 Which he's often filled before. 728 00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:13,520 Because he has unlocked the door before. And it is a key. 729 00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:16,080 - Quite clever. - Had a lot of time on their hands, didn't they? 730 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:17,680 They did! Absolutely right. 731 00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:19,040 "The job for today, 732 00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:22,280 "let's find an incredibly rude way of referring to a key." 733 00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:23,760 LAUGHTER 734 00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:25,800 And they were presumably religious figures, 735 00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:29,440 because they were reading and writing in the 10th century. So, there you are. 736 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:33,080 Now for the riddle of the sphincter that we call general ignorance. 737 00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:35,160 Fingers on mushroomoids, please. 738 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:38,160 How many Spartans died at the Battle of Thermopylae? 739 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:39,400 Oh! 740 00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:40,840 # Lola... # 741 00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:42,080 It's going to be 300. 742 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:44,000 ALARM BLARES 743 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:45,160 Well... 744 00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:47,720 I saw a documentary about this 745 00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:49,640 and I'm pretty sure it's definitely 300. 746 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:51,080 The film is called 300. 747 00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:52,840 Is there not a thing that one... 748 00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:54,880 because there weren't just Spartans there. 749 00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:56,520 - Sparta! - There were... 750 00:33:58,200 --> 00:33:59,800 That is how it's pronounced. 751 00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:02,480 There weren't just "Spartans!" there. 752 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:05,000 There were other... But I think one of the Spartans... 753 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:06,560 The Spartans sound nasty. 754 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:09,640 There was a narrow coastal pass that was defended just by Spartans, 755 00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:11,520 300 of them, plus their king - 756 00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:14,320 - played by Gerard Butler - who was... - Spartan! 757 00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:16,120 - ..called? - The 301st? 758 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:18,160 His name was? He was the 301st. 759 00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:19,960 - Leoni... - AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT 760 00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:22,280 - Leonidas, if you prefer. - Leonidas? 761 00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:24,880 He's now got a chain of chocolate shops, hasn't he? 762 00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:27,120 I was brought up to call him Leon-idas, 763 00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:29,320 but Leonidas seems to be the way now. 764 00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:32,040 I don't know, who knows? But Leon-idas or Leonidas, thank you. 765 00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:34,920 He defended a narrow coastal pass, and so there were 301. 766 00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:38,720 Only 299 Spartans died, though, so it leaves two who didn't. 767 00:34:38,720 --> 00:34:42,440 Leonidas did. Two survived because they never took part. 768 00:34:42,440 --> 00:34:44,240 Mike and Bernie Winters. 769 00:34:45,240 --> 00:34:48,720 A lot of nudity going on, which was a very Spartan thing. 770 00:34:48,720 --> 00:34:51,360 The couple by the tree seem very fond of each other - 771 00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:53,200 one's grasping the nipple of the other. 772 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:56,280 LAUGHTER 773 00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:57,640 Oh, yeah. 774 00:34:57,640 --> 00:34:59,680 Their swords casually laid against the... 775 00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:02,200 To go to so much effort and not put your pants on. 776 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:04,480 - I know. - LAUGHTER 777 00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:06,520 Isn't there something about one of the ones, 778 00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:08,560 that they were ashamed, the two that didn't die? 779 00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:10,000 They were desperately ashamed. 780 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:12,600 One called, rather wonderfully, "Pantitties"... 781 00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:14,760 LAUGHTER 782 00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:16,640 - It's a bit like the... - Do you mean Pantites? 783 00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:23,760 There was an MP who was introduced to Churchill, his name was Bossom, 784 00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:26,720 and Churchill said, "Neither one thing nor the other." 785 00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:30,760 But anyway, "Pantitties", or "Pant-titties" 786 00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:32,400 or whatever he was, Pantites, 787 00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:35,400 went off to deliver a diplomatic message, apparently, at the embassy, 788 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:37,520 but he hanged himself from shame when he got back 789 00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:39,120 and saw that he was the only survivor. 790 00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:40,600 But he wasn't the only survivor. 791 00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:42,840 Eurytus couldn't fight because of an eye infection. 792 00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:44,480 The Spartans have taken all the credit 793 00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:46,200 for winning the battle of Thermopylae, 794 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:48,240 but it was a combined effort with the Athenians, 795 00:35:48,240 --> 00:35:49,680 who were their allies at the time. 796 00:35:49,680 --> 00:35:51,520 Herodotus, known as the Father of History, 797 00:35:51,520 --> 00:35:53,280 and was born four years after the battle, 798 00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:54,880 is the closest contemporary source. 799 00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:56,920 He estimated the Greeks numbered about 5,000. 800 00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:58,760 He was born four years after it had happened 801 00:35:58,760 --> 00:35:59,920 and he's the best we can do? 802 00:35:59,920 --> 00:36:02,680 He's the closest. I'm afraid so. No-one else wrote... 803 00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:06,440 - That's better than a lot of ancient history. - It is. 804 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:08,680 - The Father of History, what's he called? - Herodotus. 805 00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:11,240 Herodotus. It must have been a lot easier when he was around. 806 00:36:11,240 --> 00:36:13,280 - I'm not having a go at him. - No, it's a fair point. 807 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,040 But less things had happened back then. 808 00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:16,840 - Fewer things... - Yes. - ..I think you mean. 809 00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:19,000 LAUGHTER 810 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,640 Some of the audience had you there. 811 00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:22,680 Common usage, play the common usage card. 812 00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:25,120 It's so like being back at school, it's unbelievable. 813 00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:30,640 Apparently, you can say less if you want to now. Apparently, you can. 814 00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:32,440 You can just say what you like, these days. 815 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,680 Apparently, that's the new thing. 816 00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:37,520 Apparently, you're not allowed to scream "Idiot!" at people. 817 00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:39,440 LAUGHTER 818 00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:42,320 What is the point in getting an education at all?! 819 00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:45,560 I know how to use the apostrophe. Apparently, now it doesn't matter! 820 00:36:45,560 --> 00:36:48,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 821 00:36:55,240 --> 00:36:59,280 What I want, I want the time it took me to learn that back! 822 00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:03,960 You need to be less bothered about this, or fewer bothered. 823 00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:05,400 LAUGHTER 824 00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:07,720 You need to be fewer bothered about this kind of thing. 825 00:37:07,720 --> 00:37:11,360 Just let it go. Be fewer upset. 826 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:14,360 Now, what type of birds did the Birdman keep 827 00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:15,960 in his cell in Alcatraz? 828 00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:19,000 Is it, is it a canary? 829 00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,080 - ALARM BLARES - A canary? Or canaries. 830 00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:24,360 I can't believe I got a buzzer again. 831 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:26,760 I might be close, because last time I said 300, it was 299. 832 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:28,480 Yeah, you were one off. 833 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:30,880 Did he keep them in the cell or did they come to the window? 834 00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:33,200 I can't remember the film. Burt Lancaster, wasn't it? 835 00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:35,200 - AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT: - It wasn't allowed! 836 00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:38,000 It wasn't allowed is the right... Well done, audience. Very good. 837 00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:39,840 APPLAUSE 838 00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:44,520 You weren't allowed birds in your cell, were you? 839 00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:45,880 He was in his previous prison, 840 00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:47,520 which is why he was called the Birdman. 841 00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:48,760 He ended up in Alcatraz, 842 00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:51,400 which is why, I suppose, he was called the Birdman of Alcatraz. 843 00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,400 He was an amazing expert on canaries, 844 00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:55,360 so that was his bird of choice. 845 00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:57,120 - And sparrows. - But I said that. 846 00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,040 I know. But he didn't keep them in Alcatraz. 847 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:01,560 299, I was one away! Canaries, I said canaries. 848 00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:04,240 - What do you want from me? - Do you know his name? 849 00:38:04,240 --> 00:38:06,480 Robert Franklin Stroud. 850 00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:10,320 He was moved to the Great Rock, as they call it, 851 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:12,880 from which no-one escapes, according to Patrick McGoohan. 852 00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:15,880 - "Welcome to the Rock." - Yes. - I think Sean Connery got out, yeah. 853 00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:18,120 "Welcome to the Rock." 854 00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:19,840 "WELCOME TO THE ROCK!" 855 00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:25,160 One more time, we'll go again. "Welcome to the Rock." 856 00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:27,080 Thank you. So kind. 857 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:29,200 We can have a look at Alcatraz, that's the inside. 858 00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:31,240 - You can do a tour of it. - I've done a tour of it. 859 00:38:31,240 --> 00:38:32,560 - Have you? - RONNI: - You've been? 860 00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:33,800 It's great, I liked it a lot. 861 00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:35,640 But they used to put people in the cells... 862 00:38:35,640 --> 00:38:38,440 All the cell doors, they can open them from one end, and they slide, 863 00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:41,200 - because they don't have doors that open. - Yes. That's right. 864 00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:43,920 They used to put prisoners in them...tourists, I mean, in them. 865 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:45,880 And then, one day, they couldn't get them out. 866 00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:48,000 So they had some tourists in there for ten hours. 867 00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,080 And lots of other tourists coming past. 868 00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:52,120 LAUGHTER 869 00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,040 Who were all, suddenly, on much better behaviour. 870 00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:57,480 LAUGHTER 871 00:38:57,480 --> 00:38:59,400 They didn't buy anything from the gift shop. 872 00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:01,000 LAUGHTER 873 00:39:01,000 --> 00:39:03,000 You can see it very clearly from San Francisco. 874 00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:06,440 It looks so near, and it was quite easy to escape from your jail 875 00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:08,720 and swim, but nobody survived the swim, 876 00:39:08,720 --> 00:39:10,640 even though it seems quite a short distance. 877 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:14,320 Because the currents are so strong, you get swept away. 878 00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:18,360 And Alcatraz, of course, is a word of what origin, would you imagine? 879 00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:19,600 Mexico. 880 00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:21,480 Well, Spanish, the language. Yes, indeed. 881 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:23,200 And a lot of the Spanish words come from? 882 00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:24,440 Spain. 883 00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:25,880 LAUGHTER 884 00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:27,520 APPLAUSE 885 00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:29,600 I can't fault you. I can't fault you. 886 00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:35,840 It begins with Al. So, like Alhambra and... 887 00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:39,320 - Oh, the Moors. - The Moors. It's an Arabic word. From Arabic. 888 00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:43,320 And, oddly enough, in Spanish, Alcatraz means "gannets", sea birds, 889 00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:45,800 but it used to mean "pelicans". 890 00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:47,680 So when they've called the rock Alcatraz, 891 00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:49,480 they were calling it after the pelicans. 892 00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:53,440 But the actual Arabic words mean something completely different - 893 00:39:53,440 --> 00:39:55,040 "the sea eagle". 894 00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:56,480 So, it's a strange thing. 895 00:39:56,480 --> 00:40:00,200 Alcatraz was "the sea eagle", then it was used to mean the pelican 896 00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,960 by the Spanish, then they changed it to mean the gannet. 897 00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:06,680 So, confusing, but that was how it changed its meaning. 898 00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:09,720 You were allowed hot showers in Alcatraz, but not cold ones. 899 00:40:09,720 --> 00:40:11,120 Why would that be? 900 00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:14,240 - Hot showers, but not cold ones... - I don't know, cos... I don't know. 901 00:40:14,240 --> 00:40:17,040 It's so that you wouldn't be acclimatised to the cold water. 902 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,160 - Acclimatised to the cold water! - Yes! 903 00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:20,960 LAUGHTER 904 00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:23,760 But if you are going to be that determined, you wouldn't just 905 00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:27,360 dip your foot in and go, "Ooh, bit nippy, I think I'll got back in. That was a mistake." 906 00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:28,640 Have they not done it now...? 907 00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:31,920 You get these Ironmen that do these swims. Someone must've done it. 908 00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:34,720 But some of the prisoners who did escape were never found, so... 909 00:40:34,720 --> 00:40:36,760 It was assumed, I think, to keep the reputation. 910 00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:39,360 - Assumed dead, but they may have escaped. - Yeah. 911 00:40:39,360 --> 00:40:40,920 It probably suited everyone. 912 00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:43,840 Yeah, because they didn't want the myth of Alcatraz to die. 913 00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:46,080 Who was the first person to put stuff 914 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:47,840 between two slices of bread and eat it? 915 00:40:47,840 --> 00:40:49,320 # Lay, lady, lay... # 916 00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:51,520 Lord Sandwich. 917 00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:52,760 ALARM BLARES 918 00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:54,960 Oh, what a shame. What a pity. You were doing so well. 919 00:40:54,960 --> 00:40:56,200 I knew that. 920 00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:58,840 The Earl of Sandwich certainly gave his NAME to what we call 921 00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:00,720 the sarnie or the sandwich or the butty, 922 00:41:00,720 --> 00:41:02,640 and all kinds of words for it, but... 923 00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:04,320 Was it the Earl of Butty? 924 00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:06,080 LAUGHTER 925 00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:09,320 We know that mankind has been making bread for 30,000 years, 926 00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:12,840 and it seems inconceivable that no human being decided 927 00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:15,280 to put something between two of those. 928 00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:18,520 So, we're just assuming it must have been ages ago. 929 00:41:18,520 --> 00:41:20,040 Someone must have done it ages ago. 930 00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:22,280 Well, yes, we do know for a fact that 1,200 years ago, 931 00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:25,720 there was a Hillel the Elder, a rabbi, in the first century BC - 932 00:41:25,720 --> 00:41:28,280 the first person known to have made and eaten a sandwich. 933 00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:30,480 He started the Passover custom of putting a mixture 934 00:41:30,480 --> 00:41:33,280 of chopped nuts, apples, spices and wine between two flat breads. 935 00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:34,760 That's a Peshwari naan. 936 00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:36,520 LAUGHTER 937 00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:39,160 - Oh, I love a Peshwari naan. - Oh, now you've said Peshwari... 938 00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:40,960 Oh, I'd have one right now, wouldn't you? 939 00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:42,520 - ALAN AND JIMMY: - O-o-oh! 940 00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:45,160 Just mopping up the end... Ohh! 941 00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:47,000 Just out of the bag, when it comes. 942 00:41:47,000 --> 00:41:48,440 Don't, it's so good. 943 00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:50,880 With all the almonds and the coconut in it. O-o-oh! 944 00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:52,520 We've put in a good shift. Shall we...? 945 00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:53,840 I'm drooling, stop it. 946 00:41:53,840 --> 00:41:55,560 I prefer a plain naan. 947 00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:57,600 Oh, what's the matter with you?! 948 00:41:57,600 --> 00:41:58,880 LAUGHTER 949 00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:00,440 Have you got a badge for that? 950 00:42:00,440 --> 00:42:02,560 There's always one, isn't there? At every party. 951 00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:05,160 Plain naan?! 952 00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:07,760 So, we'll have five Peshwari naans and one for him. 953 00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:09,960 - RONNI: - And one plain. 954 00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:12,480 So, anyway, John Montagu was the 4th Earl of Sandwich, 955 00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:15,240 certainly gave his name to it in our culture, as it were, in our... 956 00:42:15,240 --> 00:42:18,080 - He's on Gogglebox now, the Earl of Sandwich. - Is he? 957 00:42:18,080 --> 00:42:20,320 LAUGHTER 958 00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:22,160 Oh, why do I fall for these?! 959 00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:24,760 APPLAUSE 960 00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:26,400 I fall for everything. 961 00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:31,440 The idea was that he just called for it because he was very busy. 962 00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:34,280 Most people think gambling, because he was an inveterate gambler, 963 00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:35,520 though his biography says, 964 00:42:35,520 --> 00:42:37,840 actually, he was very busy with his ministerial work. 965 00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:40,480 He was Postmaster General, he was First Lord of the Admiralty. 966 00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:41,720 Before that, he was... 967 00:42:41,720 --> 00:42:45,200 Never mind all that. When he got together with Mr Branston... 968 00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:47,880 - It was magic. - NEW YORK ACCENT: - It was moy-der. 969 00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:50,320 When they got together, it was moy-der. 970 00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:54,360 So anyway, that's the last of the questions. 971 00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:57,040 Let's see who's victor ludorum. 972 00:42:57,040 --> 00:42:58,920 Oh, my actual God. 973 00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:03,240 I'm sorry to say, in last place, with -29, 974 00:43:03,240 --> 00:43:06,280 is the girl of many faces and voices, Ronni Ancona. 975 00:43:06,280 --> 00:43:08,160 Stop that. Can't be! 976 00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:09,400 APPLAUSE 977 00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:10,840 -29! 978 00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:15,600 And in third place, with -11, is Jimmy Carr. 979 00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:16,840 APPLAUSE 980 00:43:16,840 --> 00:43:20,040 Perfectly acceptable. -11 is fine. Fine. 981 00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:22,800 In second place, with -7, it's David Mitchell. 982 00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:24,240 APPLAUSE 983 00:43:26,520 --> 00:43:30,360 Can I be uttering these words? With a plus score... 984 00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:31,600 three points, 985 00:43:31,600 --> 00:43:33,040 Alan Davies! 986 00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:35,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 987 00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:45,280 And that is all from Ronni, Jimmy, David, Alan and me. 988 00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:48,320 And I leave you with the last words of Nancy, Lady Astor. 989 00:43:48,320 --> 00:43:51,200 Waking up to find her bed surrounded by her entire family 990 00:43:51,200 --> 00:43:53,840 as she was dying, she said, "Am I dying? 991 00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:56,360 "Or is it my birthday?" Good night. 992 00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:58,600 APPLAUSE