1 00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:35,179 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:36,339 --> 00:00:39,818 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good 3 00:00:39,818 --> 00:00:44,136 evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI. 4 00:00:44,136 --> 00:00:46,615 As you may have noticed, if you've been paying attention, 5 00:00:46,615 --> 00:00:50,573 the rest of the series has been devoted to the letter L. 6 00:00:50,573 --> 00:00:54,052 But tonight's an exception, because it's No-L. 7 00:00:54,052 --> 00:00:55,851 GROANS 8 00:00:55,851 --> 00:01:00,729 Let's look at my lovely decorations. A big bauble, Bill Bailey. 9 00:01:00,729 --> 00:01:03,768 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:01:03,768 --> 00:01:05,008 A big...? 11 00:01:05,008 --> 00:01:07,927 A jolly cracker, Jimmy Carr. 12 00:01:07,927 --> 00:01:11,525 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - I'm happy with that. 13 00:01:11,525 --> 00:01:15,364 A Christmas fairy, no less than Carrie Fisher. 14 00:01:15,364 --> 00:01:16,683 Yeah! 15 00:01:16,683 --> 00:01:20,522 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 16 00:01:20,522 --> 00:01:22,521 And either my chocolate log has melted, 17 00:01:22,521 --> 00:01:25,200 or the reindeer have diarrhoea, Alan Davies. 18 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:26,799 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 19 00:01:28,439 --> 00:01:29,998 There's no need for that! 20 00:01:29,998 --> 00:01:31,278 There is no need. 21 00:01:31,278 --> 00:01:34,157 Let's hear their jingle bells. Bill goes... 22 00:01:34,157 --> 00:01:36,516 # Ding dong merrily on high 23 00:01:36,516 --> 00:01:39,834 ♪ In heav'n the bells are ringing. ♪ 24 00:01:39,834 --> 00:01:41,034 Jimmy goes... 25 00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:46,432 MUSIC: Troika From Lieutenant Kije-Suite, Op. 60 by London Symphony Orchestra & Andre Previn 26 00:01:47,471 --> 00:01:49,831 Oh, that sleighs me. And Carrie goes... 27 00:01:49,831 --> 00:01:51,630 - AUDIENCE: Aw! - Thank you. 28 00:01:51,630 --> 00:01:55,868 MUSIC: Sleigh Ride by The Ronettes 29 00:01:58,027 --> 00:02:01,866 Phil Spector's still in prison. And Alan goes... 30 00:02:01,866 --> 00:02:05,225 # Silent night 31 00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:07,424 # Holy.... BARKING 32 00:02:07,424 --> 00:02:09,183 RINGING 33 00:02:09,183 --> 00:02:12,182 ♪ Ding dong merrily on high... ♪ 34 00:02:12,182 --> 00:02:14,301 RINGING 35 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:17,460 BELLS RING 36 00:02:17,460 --> 00:02:20,259 BIG BEN CHIMES 37 00:02:20,259 --> 00:02:24,377 Now, this series we have an L-themed chance for extra points 38 00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:28,176 in the shape of your... 39 00:02:28,176 --> 00:02:31,534 Spend A Penny Bonus! 40 00:02:31,534 --> 00:02:34,693 TOILET FLUSHES 41 00:02:34,693 --> 00:02:38,492 L is for lavatory. If you think a question I've asked 42 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,211 has some lavatorial theme, 43 00:02:40,211 --> 00:02:42,690 all you have to do is wave your Spend A Penny 44 00:02:42,690 --> 00:02:44,569 and if you're right, you get extra points. 45 00:02:44,569 --> 00:02:47,848 Now, I've got a little something for each of you under this tree. 46 00:02:47,848 --> 00:02:50,487 Isn't that lovely? But first, can you tell me what's special, 47 00:02:50,487 --> 00:02:53,886 indeed unique, about this tree? Can you see it? There you are. 48 00:02:53,886 --> 00:02:56,285 - It's small. - It's small. 49 00:02:56,285 --> 00:02:59,284 - Imperfectly formed. - Imperfectly formed. 50 00:02:59,284 --> 00:03:01,683 Was that a normal sized tree and they started trimming it 51 00:03:01,683 --> 00:03:04,042 and then they didn't get it even on that side, 52 00:03:04,042 --> 00:03:05,281 went a bit lower on that side 53 00:03:05,281 --> 00:03:09,280 and then eventually they ended up with a twig? 54 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:10,639 BILL: Is it a vintage one? 55 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:13,278 - It is, it's been valued by Christie's. - Oh. - Uh-oh. 56 00:03:13,278 --> 00:03:17,437 - Oh, hello. Is it a Christie-mas tree? - Hey, hey. 57 00:03:20,995 --> 00:03:22,995 APPLAUSE 58 00:03:22,995 --> 00:03:26,193 I'm playing the... I'm playing the joker! 59 00:03:26,193 --> 00:03:29,232 - It doesn't quite work as lavatorial, but you're on fire. - Ah, thank you. 60 00:03:29,232 --> 00:03:31,751 When you say it was valued by Christie's, that sounds very 61 00:03:31,751 --> 00:03:34,230 impressive, but maybe they went, "That's worth a pound." 62 00:03:34,230 --> 00:03:35,870 Four-figure sum. 63 00:03:35,870 --> 00:03:37,869 - Four-figure sum. - 10.99. 64 00:03:38,948 --> 00:03:41,388 - Does it belong to someone famous? - No. 65 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,987 Has it... Is it one of these things that's been to the moon? 66 00:03:43,987 --> 00:03:46,266 No, it hasn't. These are all good answers. 67 00:03:46,266 --> 00:03:47,385 - Yeah. - Really? 68 00:03:51,504 --> 00:03:53,743 You don't know the kind of answers they usually give. 69 00:03:53,743 --> 00:03:55,462 Oh, great answer. 70 00:03:55,462 --> 00:03:59,381 - Jesus' personal tree. - Jesus' personal tree, no. 71 00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:03,259 Was that what the gold, frankincense and myrrh was under? 72 00:04:03,259 --> 00:04:06,618 Somebody kind of suggested it earlier on, and that's to do with its age. 73 00:04:06,618 --> 00:04:08,417 It's the oldest Christmas tree. 74 00:04:08,417 --> 00:04:11,536 - Oldest what Christmas tree? - Oldest one in the room? 75 00:04:11,536 --> 00:04:14,975 - Fake. - Fake. Oh. - An artificial tree. - A tinsel... - It's the first... 76 00:04:14,975 --> 00:04:16,494 The original artificial tree. 77 00:04:16,494 --> 00:04:19,293 - It's the first ever. It's in the Guinness Book of Records. - Wow. 78 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:22,252 Christie's have validated it, it was bought for sixpence, 79 00:04:22,252 --> 00:04:27,130 that's 6d, which is two-and-a-half pence, in 1886. 80 00:04:27,130 --> 00:04:30,928 - What?! - Yeah. - This particular one? - This actual one. 81 00:04:30,928 --> 00:04:33,208 And someone made note of that so that we can now...? 82 00:04:33,208 --> 00:04:35,647 It's been in the same family, that's how we know. 83 00:04:35,647 --> 00:04:37,326 And they keep all their receipts. 84 00:04:37,326 --> 00:04:41,324 - It was bought by Lou Hicks and her great-great-niece, Janet... - Oh, Auntie Lou. 85 00:04:41,324 --> 00:04:44,443 There's Lou Hicks on the left, and her great-great-niece, Janet. 86 00:04:44,443 --> 00:04:48,442 She died in 2008, and her son, Paul Parker, 87 00:04:48,442 --> 00:04:51,640 who's a mathematician, from Bath, is here in the audience. 88 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,440 Paul, hello. 89 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:57,598 APPLAUSE 90 00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:59,797 Oh, my God! 91 00:05:02,596 --> 00:05:05,115 - Paul, you grew up with this Christmas tree? - That's right. 92 00:05:05,115 --> 00:05:07,594 And you knew that it was old? You knew...? 93 00:05:07,594 --> 00:05:10,953 No-one knew it was the oldest until I was grown up. 94 00:05:10,953 --> 00:05:14,152 Everyone was kind of, "Well, that's a nice little trinket." 95 00:05:14,152 --> 00:05:16,271 And then it turned out to be the oldest one 96 00:05:16,271 --> 00:05:19,110 - and everyone else got really interested. - It's amazing. 97 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,309 But all these baubles presumably are not original? 98 00:05:21,309 --> 00:05:23,508 No, they've just been accumulated over the years. 99 00:05:23,508 --> 00:05:25,867 - Did your mother take it to Christie's? - That's right. 100 00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:27,387 And what value did they put on it? 101 00:05:27,387 --> 00:05:29,466 They put a value of about 1,000 on it, 102 00:05:29,466 --> 00:05:32,025 but the thing is, it's anyone's guess, because it's unique. 103 00:05:32,025 --> 00:05:33,104 If you're watching, 104 00:05:33,104 --> 00:05:36,863 if you give your address, there may be a burglar watching. 105 00:05:36,863 --> 00:05:40,462 - No, that would be, that would be irresponsible. - Bound to be some burglars watching. 106 00:05:40,462 --> 00:05:42,021 Yeah. 107 00:05:42,021 --> 00:05:45,140 - Odds are... - Chances are... - Yeah. 108 00:05:49,778 --> 00:05:52,897 APPLAUSE 109 00:05:53,976 --> 00:05:56,256 You have Christmas trees in America, obviously. 110 00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,415 I have a year-round Christmas tree, actually. 111 00:05:58,415 --> 00:06:01,893 - Well, you have a house that is just the most... - It's year-round also. 112 00:06:01,893 --> 00:06:04,652 It is bizarre, it is the most bizarre... An extraordinary house. 113 00:06:04,652 --> 00:06:07,891 My house is 100 years old! 114 00:06:07,891 --> 00:06:11,290 - And in America that's like prehistoric. - Wow. 115 00:06:11,290 --> 00:06:15,488 So... But Bette Davis lived there, and Robert Armstrong, 116 00:06:15,488 --> 00:06:18,607 - who was in King Kong. - Yeah, and your mother lives there, Debbie Reynolds. 117 00:06:18,607 --> 00:06:22,126 - We're neighbours. - She lives in your garage, let's be honest. 118 00:06:22,126 --> 00:06:25,164 - I'm using the American pronunciation of "garage". - Some nights, yes. 119 00:06:25,164 --> 00:06:28,083 Do you know who it was who brought the Christmas tree to Britain? 120 00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:29,723 There's no reason why you should know 121 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:32,322 but it was Queen Victoria's husband, Albert, who was German. 122 00:06:32,322 --> 00:06:33,761 He didn't introduce it to Britain 123 00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,680 but he certainly made it very popular. 124 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:38,399 He had this German habit of having the Christmas tree decorated 125 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:41,958 and it just caught on. By 1889, of course, when this one was made 126 00:06:41,958 --> 00:06:44,877 it had become a habit throughout Britain 127 00:06:44,877 --> 00:06:48,715 - and indeed now artificial sales have overtaken real sales. - Really? 128 00:06:48,715 --> 00:06:51,114 - Isn't it sad? Yeah. - Yeah. - Because in America you see... 129 00:06:51,114 --> 00:06:54,793 - Won't be long before e-trees take over. - E-trees! 130 00:06:54,793 --> 00:06:57,272 - Virtual. - Just have a tree on your telly. 131 00:06:57,272 --> 00:06:59,151 You lose so many lovely traditions though, 132 00:06:59,151 --> 00:07:01,590 that lovely January tradition of sort of taking it down 133 00:07:01,590 --> 00:07:04,429 and throwing it over the neighbour's fence. 134 00:07:04,429 --> 00:07:06,868 What you can do is gather them in a little bag, 135 00:07:06,868 --> 00:07:10,707 all the pine needles, and put them in a bath and they scent your bath. 136 00:07:13,666 --> 00:07:16,744 Is that from Prince Albert as well? 137 00:07:16,744 --> 00:07:19,423 We have other traditions from Prince Albert. 138 00:07:19,423 --> 00:07:21,902 - LAUGHTER - Wacky Germans. 139 00:07:21,902 --> 00:07:24,781 I don't know why I grabbed my groin when I said that. 140 00:07:26,141 --> 00:07:29,380 - Cos you couldn't reach mine. - Yeah! 141 00:07:29,380 --> 00:07:32,099 APPLAUSE 142 00:07:35,137 --> 00:07:38,816 - Debbie Reynolds was in Singin' In The Rain. - She was? 143 00:07:41,775 --> 00:07:43,294 Did she never tell you that? 144 00:07:43,294 --> 00:07:44,854 She doesn't come up, no. 145 00:07:44,854 --> 00:07:47,813 - No. How old was she? - I can't stop thinking about it. 146 00:07:47,813 --> 00:07:50,611 She was 19 years old. You'd better stop thinking about it. 147 00:07:50,611 --> 00:07:54,090 - She was 19 in that film? - Yeah. - What were you doing when you were 19? 148 00:07:54,090 --> 00:07:56,409 - Nothing, that's right. - Yes. - I was... 149 00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:59,648 She says that Gene Kelly rehearsed until her feet bled. 150 00:07:59,648 --> 00:08:04,286 Yes, and she also said that Gene Kelly French-kissed her 151 00:08:04,286 --> 00:08:05,646 and she vomited. 152 00:08:08,205 --> 00:08:11,044 - During? During or after? - So romantic. Yeah. 153 00:08:11,044 --> 00:08:12,843 That's actually a tradition 154 00:08:12,843 --> 00:08:15,882 that Prince Albert brought over from Germany. 155 00:08:15,882 --> 00:08:17,961 - Was that part of the film? - No. 156 00:08:17,961 --> 00:08:20,120 - That's in the blooper reel at the end. - Oh. 157 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,879 They did not... Donald O'Connor 158 00:08:21,879 --> 00:08:24,958 - and my mother were not wild about Gene Kelly. - No. 159 00:08:24,958 --> 00:08:27,637 - Oh, wow. I love this, more of this. - It's great. 160 00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:29,636 Well, but apparently he's not a good kisser 161 00:08:29,636 --> 00:08:31,995 and he didn't have a good sense of humour... 162 00:08:31,995 --> 00:08:34,674 But was Donald O'Connor nice? Was Donald O'Connor a nice chap? 163 00:08:34,674 --> 00:08:35,914 Yes, he was great. 164 00:08:35,914 --> 00:08:37,113 Because he's... I love him. 165 00:08:37,113 --> 00:08:40,952 What's...what's Chewbacca like? 166 00:08:40,952 --> 00:08:42,831 MAKES CHEWBACCA GROWL 167 00:08:42,831 --> 00:08:44,231 MAKES CHEWBACCA GROWL 168 00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:47,030 - He also... - Try and ignore Stephen. 169 00:08:48,949 --> 00:08:51,548 - AS HARRISON FORD: - "Laugh it up, fuzzball!" 170 00:08:59,145 --> 00:09:02,184 You must get this everywhere you go, you're going to get it everywhere. 171 00:09:02,184 --> 00:09:04,863 I've gotten used to it, you know. It'll take a couple 172 00:09:04,863 --> 00:09:07,662 of minutes for the navi computer to calculate the coordinates. 173 00:09:07,662 --> 00:09:09,221 Yes. No, that's exactly it. 174 00:09:09,221 --> 00:09:12,420 That wasn't even my line and I get... We all started saying those things. 175 00:09:12,420 --> 00:09:15,939 You started to say it, that's right. For the jump into hyperspace. And it goes... 176 00:09:15,939 --> 00:09:18,338 MAKES CHEWBACCA NOISE 177 00:09:18,338 --> 00:09:20,457 I remember you with Harrison Ford where 178 00:09:20,457 --> 00:09:22,456 he said he had a problem with the dialogue. 179 00:09:22,456 --> 00:09:26,414 - He said, "You can write this stuff, but you can't say it." - You can type it. - You can type it. 180 00:09:26,414 --> 00:09:29,733 It's very specific. Yeah, no, you cannot say... 181 00:09:29,733 --> 00:09:31,493 "I have placed a couple..." 182 00:09:31,493 --> 00:09:34,731 I can't say mine. "I've placed a couple..." No, no, I can't remember it. 183 00:09:34,731 --> 00:09:36,211 Come on, come on, come on. 184 00:09:36,211 --> 00:09:38,570 What is that, what is that speech that I did? 185 00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:42,168 - You'd know it. - I'll tell you what we've done, we've brought 300 nerds. 186 00:09:42,168 --> 00:09:43,448 Look that way. 187 00:09:44,687 --> 00:09:47,007 Oh, I know. "I've placed information vital to the 188 00:09:47,007 --> 00:09:50,485 "survival of the rebellion into the memory system of this R2 unit. 189 00:09:50,485 --> 00:09:52,484 "My father will know how to retrieve it." 190 00:09:52,484 --> 00:09:54,644 - That's it! - Control, alt, delete. 191 00:09:54,644 --> 00:09:57,642 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 192 00:10:00,281 --> 00:10:02,441 - Beginning of a religion, isn't it? - It is. 193 00:10:02,441 --> 00:10:06,359 - It's like Jerusalem 2,000 years ago. - Exactly like that. 194 00:10:06,359 --> 00:10:09,798 "But can you explain to me, please, why is it that C-3PO can speak 195 00:10:09,798 --> 00:10:12,037 "two billion languages but not English 196 00:10:12,037 --> 00:10:15,276 "without a proper intonation?" 197 00:10:15,276 --> 00:10:18,474 - It's all up here. - "It's so wrong, all the way he talks." 198 00:10:19,594 --> 00:10:24,232 Anyway, we've to thank, of course, Paul, for his fantastic, trusting 199 00:10:24,232 --> 00:10:28,431 nature, in letting us look after his exceptionally valuable tree. 200 00:10:28,431 --> 00:10:32,229 The oldest artificial tree in the world. Authenticated. 201 00:10:32,229 --> 00:10:33,309 Thank you, Paul. 202 00:10:33,309 --> 00:10:35,708 APPLAUSE 203 00:10:38,307 --> 00:10:39,906 Now you'll notice... 204 00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:43,825 You'll notice that like any tree, it has presents around it. Carrie, I have a present for you. 205 00:10:43,825 --> 00:10:47,303 And I want to know which imperial princess was responsible for it. 206 00:10:47,303 --> 00:10:49,582 So you can open it, literally on camera. 207 00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:51,302 It's from an imperial princess. 208 00:10:51,302 --> 00:10:54,221 Well, see, I've taken my glasses. Does... 209 00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:59,139 - Do you want... You can put your glasses on for this moment, if it really... - Thank you. - Ah, poor you. 210 00:10:59,139 --> 00:11:01,218 I've no idea where I am. Oh! 211 00:11:03,417 --> 00:11:05,856 I thought we were alone! 212 00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:09,135 All right. 213 00:11:09,135 --> 00:11:11,694 Oh! 214 00:11:11,694 --> 00:11:14,893 Can you see the picture of it there? We've got a video slide, so... 215 00:11:14,893 --> 00:11:16,172 M&Ms? 216 00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:20,490 - The original tin. - Shall I open it now? 217 00:11:20,490 --> 00:11:23,929 The original tin. The oldest M&M tin in the world. 218 00:11:23,929 --> 00:11:26,328 Do you want to show the audience what you've got there? 219 00:11:26,328 --> 00:11:30,247 "With our best wishes for Christmas 1914. 220 00:11:30,247 --> 00:11:34,365 "May God protect you and bring you home safe." 221 00:11:34,365 --> 00:11:37,244 So what could that be, Christmas 1914, 100 years ago? 222 00:11:37,244 --> 00:11:40,683 I think it could be stolen, Stephen, where did you get this? 223 00:11:40,683 --> 00:11:43,762 - Was it...? - Let me just say there are over two million of them made. 224 00:11:43,762 --> 00:11:45,761 Are these care packages sent to the troops? 225 00:11:45,761 --> 00:11:48,600 They are indeed. On the left, she's less well-known than... 226 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,279 The guy on the right was George the...? 227 00:11:51,279 --> 00:11:53,398 You aren't to know, it's not your business. 228 00:11:53,398 --> 00:11:56,077 You think of George the Tyrant before George III. 229 00:11:56,077 --> 00:11:58,436 - No, George Lucas. - Yeah, George Lucas! 230 00:11:59,755 --> 00:12:02,754 I stand by what I said, George the Tyrant. 231 00:12:02,754 --> 00:12:04,034 No, I'm sure he was a darling. 232 00:12:04,034 --> 00:12:07,352 That's George V, as it happens, who looks exactly like his cousin, 233 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:10,071 - Nicholas of Russia, who was killed by Lenin. - Right. 234 00:12:10,071 --> 00:12:13,310 Well, not personally. And his daughter, Mary, 235 00:12:13,310 --> 00:12:16,389 wanted to send the troops at the front a present. 236 00:12:16,389 --> 00:12:19,148 She wanted to pay for it herself, out of her own allowance, to send 237 00:12:19,148 --> 00:12:22,627 all the troops at the front a brass box with a Christmas card, 238 00:12:22,627 --> 00:12:24,546 signed by her mother and her father, 239 00:12:24,546 --> 00:12:28,104 - George RI, Rex Imperator, King Emperor. - Oh. 240 00:12:28,104 --> 00:12:30,463 And there was tobacco for those who smoked pipes 241 00:12:30,463 --> 00:12:33,502 and cigarettes for those who smoked cigarettes. And there were sweets 242 00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:37,221 and spices for those who were in the Indian army. Sweets and, rather 243 00:12:37,221 --> 00:12:41,339 unpleasantly, a silver pencil in the shape of a bullet, for boys who 244 00:12:41,339 --> 00:12:44,738 were not old enough to smoke, and for those who were non-combatants. 245 00:12:44,738 --> 00:12:49,136 I wonder, did Vader send something similar to all the stormtroopers? 246 00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:52,215 No, no, I think he sent strippers. 247 00:12:54,094 --> 00:12:59,412 Virtual strippers to the troopers. Say that three times fast. 248 00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:02,771 Do they have this, like, in a museum somewhere, of the...? 249 00:13:02,771 --> 00:13:05,530 Well, its rarity is not enormous, because originally 250 00:13:05,530 --> 00:13:08,169 she wanted everyone of the British Empire's armed services 251 00:13:08,169 --> 00:13:11,368 afloat or at the front to have this present at Christmas. 252 00:13:11,368 --> 00:13:14,047 And that was 355,000 boxes successfully 253 00:13:14,047 --> 00:13:15,606 delivered by the deadline. 254 00:13:15,606 --> 00:13:18,885 But then the eligibility was extended to include everybody 255 00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:21,924 who was wearing the King's uniform on Christmas Day in 1914. 256 00:13:21,924 --> 00:13:27,801 Which is a huge increase. Which was 2,620,019 servicemen. 257 00:13:27,801 --> 00:13:30,480 - That's a lot of uniforms. - A lot of uniforms, but a lot of brass. 258 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,119 - So there was a brass shortage. - Buttons, a lot of buttons. 259 00:13:33,119 --> 00:13:36,958 Well, yeah, buttons, of course, but the actual box that Carrie's got 260 00:13:36,958 --> 00:13:39,637 is made of brass, so they had to make over two million of them, 261 00:13:39,637 --> 00:13:42,716 - and there was a brass shortage, and... - Oh! - Yeah. 262 00:13:42,716 --> 00:13:43,875 Also there was a war on. 263 00:13:43,875 --> 00:13:47,674 And there was a war on, so brass was needed for the casing of bullets and for other things. 264 00:13:47,674 --> 00:13:49,993 There was a huge extra order of brass made from America 265 00:13:49,993 --> 00:13:53,312 and Canada, and one of the largest consignments was the Lusitania, 266 00:13:53,312 --> 00:13:54,711 which was sunk. 267 00:13:54,711 --> 00:13:58,829 So that held up production of these boxes. 268 00:13:58,829 --> 00:14:01,109 Now, here's a rather more individual present. 269 00:14:01,109 --> 00:14:04,067 What did St Bernard get from the Virgin Mary 270 00:14:04,067 --> 00:14:06,387 that wasn't just for Christmas? 271 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:10,705 It's not just for Christmas, it's for life 272 00:14:10,705 --> 00:14:15,303 therefore it must be a bottle of brandy. No! 273 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:19,302 Er, a St Bernard dog, I'm going to say. 274 00:14:19,302 --> 00:14:21,181 Come on! KLAXON 275 00:14:21,181 --> 00:14:22,540 Oh! 276 00:14:22,540 --> 00:14:25,019 - KLAXON - It's actually rather weirder. 277 00:14:25,019 --> 00:14:29,658 And with all the deepest respect to the Romish church, 278 00:14:29,658 --> 00:14:33,896 it's not untypical of some of their oddest moments of saint worship. 279 00:14:33,896 --> 00:14:38,654 - Oh... - She was a virgin, if we accept that she was a virgin, and gave birth. 280 00:14:38,654 --> 00:14:40,653 It seems a bit unbelievable now, doesn't it? 281 00:14:40,653 --> 00:14:43,052 I believe in miracles, you sexy thing... 282 00:14:44,212 --> 00:14:47,811 - ..you may remember was a line from Hot Chocolate. - Fine. 283 00:14:47,811 --> 00:14:51,529 - You can't make hot chocolate without...? Chocolate and...? - Milk. 284 00:14:51,529 --> 00:14:55,008 - Milk. - And a kettle. - Milk. - Milk. - Milk. 285 00:14:55,008 --> 00:14:56,767 She's a virgin, she's given birth. 286 00:14:56,767 --> 00:14:59,886 - Oh, she gave him milk. - Breast milk. - She lactated right into his mouth. 287 00:14:59,886 --> 00:15:01,165 But she was a virgin. 288 00:15:01,165 --> 00:15:03,444 - And there was a painter present! - Wow! 289 00:15:04,924 --> 00:15:07,963 - She's a hell of an aim. - Look at that! 290 00:15:07,963 --> 00:15:10,282 - What a shot. - Phewee. 291 00:15:10,282 --> 00:15:13,920 And the milk is supposed to represent...wisdom. 292 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:17,159 Wait a second. I just want to get this as a Christmas card. 293 00:15:20,198 --> 00:15:23,277 APPLAUSE 294 00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:27,715 Stay where you are, stay where you are. 295 00:15:29,954 --> 00:15:33,033 - Lovely, thank you very much. - Add that to your photos. - Christmas sorted. 296 00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:36,312 I mean, you know, next Christmas. 297 00:15:36,312 --> 00:15:38,511 She's giving a gift to the priest? 298 00:15:38,511 --> 00:15:42,110 He's not a priest, he's got the halo, that strange little spinning disc about him, 299 00:15:42,110 --> 00:15:44,948 - which means that he's already been sanctified. He's a saint. - Ah. 300 00:15:44,948 --> 00:15:47,188 Why is he dressed as a Jedi Knight then? 301 00:15:49,107 --> 00:15:52,705 They were basically a prophecy of what was to come, the saints. 302 00:15:52,705 --> 00:15:56,744 - There will come after us... - A movie... - A movie, exactly. 303 00:15:56,744 --> 00:15:59,623 - ..that you'll want... - A franchise. - A franchise. 304 00:15:59,623 --> 00:16:01,662 Mass merchandising. 305 00:16:01,662 --> 00:16:05,181 Any old way. That's St Bernard. He was pretty odd. 306 00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:09,259 But there were other opportunities that painters had to paint breasts. 307 00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:12,058 Because the painters were pretty limited, they wanted to paint 308 00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:15,217 religious paintings. You couldn't get that sexy with Christianity. 309 00:16:15,217 --> 00:16:17,816 - This was one example where you could. - I was going to say. 310 00:16:17,816 --> 00:16:21,015 Well, that, exactly. And then there was of course a myth. Whoo! 311 00:16:21,015 --> 00:16:23,814 And this is a peculiar myth, because it gets weird. 312 00:16:23,814 --> 00:16:27,572 - It doesn't look like the milk is really doing him any good. - Well, no. 313 00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:31,371 - I'm just saying. - No, you're right. 314 00:16:31,371 --> 00:16:33,330 Rubens, Vermeer and Caravaggio, 315 00:16:33,330 --> 00:16:36,329 three of the greatest names in all art, all painted 316 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:39,927 the legend of Roman Charity, as it was called, Caritas Romana, which 317 00:16:39,927 --> 00:16:43,246 was a fashionable theme for painters in the 17th and 18th century. 318 00:16:43,246 --> 00:16:46,525 And it tells the story of Chi-mon, or Cee-mon, C-I-M-O-N, 319 00:16:46,525 --> 00:16:49,923 who was sentenced to death by starvation. 320 00:16:49,923 --> 00:16:54,682 And he's visited in prison and secretly breast-fed by Pero, 321 00:16:54,682 --> 00:16:56,761 - his daughter. - Ugh. 322 00:16:56,761 --> 00:16:57,920 AUDIENCE GROANS 323 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,719 - Yeah. - Well, that's a bit creepy. - It is a bit. 324 00:17:00,719 --> 00:17:04,558 Although, could be worse, you could have got off with your brother. 325 00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:10,396 APPLAUSE Just saying. 326 00:17:13,114 --> 00:17:15,274 I hope you're not feeling bullied, Carrie. 327 00:17:15,274 --> 00:17:17,273 - Not at all. This is... - You know 328 00:17:17,273 --> 00:17:21,231 how much into every single cell of our body your work is stitched. 329 00:17:21,231 --> 00:17:23,391 This is actually a scene cut from Star Wars, 330 00:17:23,391 --> 00:17:24,430 where... 331 00:17:25,830 --> 00:17:27,869 ..Leia breast-feeds a Wookiee. 332 00:17:29,468 --> 00:17:31,307 MAKES WOOKIEE NOISE 333 00:17:31,307 --> 00:17:35,826 So, St Bernard's Christmas tipple was the Virgin Mary's nipple. 334 00:17:37,625 --> 00:17:42,863 What's the least imaginative present that you could think of? 335 00:17:42,863 --> 00:17:44,702 Yes, Jimmy? 336 00:17:44,702 --> 00:17:47,541 - Well, it's got to be the gift voucher, hasn't it? - Yes. 337 00:17:47,541 --> 00:17:49,820 The gift voucher, I mean, it's heroically bad. 338 00:17:49,820 --> 00:17:52,059 It's walking into a shop and going, "Yeah, can I...? 339 00:17:52,059 --> 00:17:54,618 "I've got some money here, can I exchange this for...? 340 00:17:54,618 --> 00:17:58,217 "This works everywhere, could it just work in this one shop? 341 00:17:58,217 --> 00:18:01,216 "But could it just be for a limited time period 342 00:18:01,216 --> 00:18:04,175 "with some terms and conditions but worth the same amount? 343 00:18:04,175 --> 00:18:07,653 "Could I make this universally acceptable thing useless?" 344 00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:13,051 Well, without wishing to insult your country, 345 00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:18,769 it is the number one present that women want in America 346 00:18:18,769 --> 00:18:20,768 is a gift card. 347 00:18:20,768 --> 00:18:25,287 - Are you ashamed of your people? - I'm humiliated for Americans everywhere. 348 00:18:25,287 --> 00:18:28,206 Who invented the gift card? Because it is a terrible idea. 349 00:18:28,206 --> 00:18:30,605 If you try to sell it to someone as an idea going, 350 00:18:30,605 --> 00:18:32,084 "Well, look, take the money..." 351 00:18:32,084 --> 00:18:34,763 It clearly isn't, it's 30 billion a year in America. 352 00:18:34,763 --> 00:18:37,562 - 30 billion industry. - And how much of that is actually spent? 353 00:18:37,562 --> 00:18:40,201 Cos I've got a lot of... I've got some Woolies vouchers at home. 354 00:18:40,201 --> 00:18:44,079 I'll tell you, in America, only 75%. 355 00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:48,318 About a quarter is never redeemed because the recipient forgets 356 00:18:48,318 --> 00:18:52,236 or the time period elapses before they get to the shop to redeem it. 357 00:18:52,236 --> 00:18:56,515 - The time period, you know, like money doesn't have. - Exactly. - Brilliant. 358 00:18:56,515 --> 00:19:00,313 - I know, it's astonishing. - I've got one at home, I can't find it. 359 00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:01,953 Oh, that's annoying. 360 00:19:01,953 --> 00:19:05,191 - It's for a day driving around Brands Hatch or something. - Oh, that is fun. 361 00:19:05,191 --> 00:19:08,550 - Sounded fun. - Yeah. - I think it's probably expired. 362 00:19:09,869 --> 00:19:12,588 I got one, it was an hour, an hour in a helicopter. 363 00:19:12,588 --> 00:19:14,228 That was it, just an hour. 364 00:19:14,228 --> 00:19:18,306 There was no, there was no mention of a pilot or... 365 00:19:18,306 --> 00:19:20,665 LAUGHTER ..they would take you anywhere 366 00:19:20,665 --> 00:19:23,424 or whether it would even take off the ground. 367 00:19:23,424 --> 00:19:25,783 You just sort of sit in a helicopter. 368 00:19:28,582 --> 00:19:31,541 - Someone outside going... - MIMICS HELICOPTER NOISES 369 00:19:32,821 --> 00:19:34,900 "Ooh, hang on, what's that do?" 370 00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:37,299 "Right, out! Come on, that's your lot." 371 00:19:38,938 --> 00:19:41,017 - Poor Bill. - I never redeemed it, it was a shame. 372 00:19:41,017 --> 00:19:43,496 - What were the first gift certificates? - Book tokens. 373 00:19:43,496 --> 00:19:46,575 Well done, sir. Introduced in 1932 by a man called Raymond 374 00:19:46,575 --> 00:19:49,814 who was a publisher who was rather disappointed to see one Christmas 375 00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:52,773 when he saw all these presents amongst his friends and family, 376 00:19:52,773 --> 00:19:55,212 only three were books, and he realised the reason was 377 00:19:55,212 --> 00:19:57,651 that people are not confident about giving books 378 00:19:57,651 --> 00:20:01,090 because they couldn't be sure that the recipient would like that book 379 00:20:01,090 --> 00:20:03,689 so he thought why not just give them something that is good 380 00:20:03,689 --> 00:20:07,567 for any book they like, which is what a book token is. 381 00:20:07,567 --> 00:20:09,846 So there we are, that's them. Moving on. 382 00:20:09,846 --> 00:20:11,566 What's the best way to find out 383 00:20:11,566 --> 00:20:14,485 if one of your guests is drunk without...? 384 00:20:14,485 --> 00:20:17,124 LAUGHTER 385 00:20:17,124 --> 00:20:18,363 Wait, hold on! 386 00:20:20,002 --> 00:20:22,921 - Where the...? How have you got this? - We were in the cupboard. 387 00:20:22,921 --> 00:20:25,240 What the hell? 388 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:28,479 I have no memory of this. 389 00:20:28,479 --> 00:20:30,878 What's the best way to find out if someone's drunk 390 00:20:30,878 --> 00:20:33,517 - without using a breathalyser? - I... - No breathalyser allowed. 391 00:20:33,517 --> 00:20:36,676 I would make a pass at them and if they go with it, they're drunk. 392 00:20:38,595 --> 00:20:41,554 - That works? - That's my test, that's lean in for a kiss... 393 00:20:41,554 --> 00:20:44,473 Let's suppose you're a policeman, would that still be your method? 394 00:20:44,473 --> 00:20:47,632 Sure, take down her particulars. 395 00:20:47,632 --> 00:20:50,591 Sobriety test is normally walking in a straight line, isn't it? 396 00:20:50,591 --> 00:20:53,310 - Or walking on a line. - That's right. Especially in America, 397 00:20:53,310 --> 00:20:55,629 states I've been stopped in, they make you do that. 398 00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,148 People always act... 399 00:20:57,148 --> 00:20:59,787 People that are acting really normal, hyper-normal, 400 00:20:59,787 --> 00:21:01,067 I think they're loaded. 401 00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:05,305 Yes, because drunk people enounce slightly too perfectly. 402 00:21:05,305 --> 00:21:08,784 - And talk a little too loud. - To show that they're not slurring. - Yes. 403 00:21:08,784 --> 00:21:12,822 When people are acting normal, they are drunk out of their minds. 404 00:21:13,982 --> 00:21:16,781 The British police used to have, and American in some states, 405 00:21:16,781 --> 00:21:19,819 had phrases they asked you to repeat. Tongue twisters. 406 00:21:19,819 --> 00:21:22,898 The Leith police dismisseth us is quite a well-known one. 407 00:21:22,898 --> 00:21:25,177 - Can you say that? - The Leith police dismisseth us. 408 00:21:25,177 --> 00:21:27,496 - Can you say that? - The Leith police dismisseth us. 409 00:21:27,496 --> 00:21:30,815 - The Leith police dismisseth us. - No, the Leith police DISMISSETH us. 410 00:21:30,815 --> 00:21:33,934 The Leith... The Leith police dismiss... I can't! 411 00:21:33,934 --> 00:21:37,093 - I haven't had a drink! - You'd be in big trouble. 412 00:21:37,093 --> 00:21:40,012 AS YODA: The Leith police dismisseth us. 413 00:21:40,012 --> 00:21:43,330 You see that's cheating. You can't do it Yoda. 414 00:21:43,330 --> 00:21:47,529 On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser. 415 00:21:47,529 --> 00:21:48,768 That's not too difficult. 416 00:21:48,768 --> 00:21:52,127 On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser. 417 00:21:52,127 --> 00:21:55,566 Why would you say that in any...? There's no context where... 418 00:21:55,566 --> 00:21:56,965 There isn't, is there? 419 00:21:56,965 --> 00:21:59,724 - A wicket cricket critic, that's what I want. - A wricket critic... 420 00:21:59,724 --> 00:22:01,923 A wicket cricket critic! 421 00:22:01,923 --> 00:22:05,482 - A wicket cricket critic. - A wicket cricket critic. - Yeah. 422 00:22:05,482 --> 00:22:08,161 Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager 423 00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:10,440 managing an imaginary menagerie. 424 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,079 - AUDIENCE: - Ooh! 425 00:22:12,079 --> 00:22:14,398 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 426 00:22:16,637 --> 00:22:19,796 Researchers at MIT... I don't know why they say this is difficult 427 00:22:19,796 --> 00:22:23,275 but maybe for drunk people it is, "Pad kid poured curd pulled cod." 428 00:22:23,275 --> 00:22:24,914 Doesn't seem that difficult. 429 00:22:24,914 --> 00:22:28,393 - Pad kid poured curd pulled cod. - That doesn't seem that difficult. 430 00:22:28,393 --> 00:22:31,752 The one that I've always thought the most difficult is you can imagine 431 00:22:31,752 --> 00:22:34,790 a mother watching her son who's remetalling the bottom of a pan. 432 00:22:34,790 --> 00:22:37,110 She says, "Are you copper-bottoming 'em, my man?" 433 00:22:37,110 --> 00:22:39,069 "No, I'm aluminiming 'em, Mum." 434 00:22:39,069 --> 00:22:40,468 Alumininming... 435 00:22:40,468 --> 00:22:42,547 Are you copper-bottoming 'em, my man? 436 00:22:42,547 --> 00:22:45,626 No, I'm aluminiming 'em, Mum. 437 00:22:45,626 --> 00:22:48,265 Very good! Are you copper-bottoming 'em, my man? 438 00:22:48,265 --> 00:22:51,424 - No, I'm aluminiming 'em, Mum. - OK, I'll do the beat. 439 00:22:51,424 --> 00:22:53,983 - HE STARTS TO BEATBOX - Are you...? 440 00:22:55,343 --> 00:22:57,302 I can't do it. 441 00:22:57,302 --> 00:22:59,261 Who makes up this stuff? 442 00:22:59,261 --> 00:23:01,820 Linguistic teachers. 443 00:23:01,820 --> 00:23:05,938 - But you would say "aluminiming 'em, Mum." - I wouldn't say any of this. 444 00:23:05,938 --> 00:23:08,218 - You're right. - Unless I was drunk. 445 00:23:08,218 --> 00:23:10,457 You would maybe just go, "Officer, I am drunk." 446 00:23:10,457 --> 00:23:12,456 By the time you've got to this one, you just go, 447 00:23:12,456 --> 00:23:14,055 "You know what? I'll pay the fine." 448 00:23:15,175 --> 00:23:18,893 Now, let's have a look under the Tannenbaum for another present. 449 00:23:18,893 --> 00:23:20,173 And it's Bill's turn. 450 00:23:20,173 --> 00:23:22,252 Oh, my goodness, Bill, you'll be so excited. 451 00:23:22,252 --> 00:23:24,131 Here you go, can you pass that to Bill? 452 00:23:24,131 --> 00:23:27,810 A lot of men like getting tools for Christmas, don't they, Bill? 453 00:23:27,810 --> 00:23:29,849 Where are you going with this? Come on. 454 00:23:29,849 --> 00:23:32,608 No, your present is the most popular tool ever made. 455 00:23:32,608 --> 00:23:33,848 Oh, Piers Morgan. 456 00:23:36,007 --> 00:23:37,686 - All right, let's see your tool. - OK. 457 00:23:37,686 --> 00:23:39,166 Yeah, Bill, let's see your tool. 458 00:23:39,166 --> 00:23:41,125 I'm really looking forward to this tool, 459 00:23:41,125 --> 00:23:44,604 and it's been beautifully wrapped as well, with a snowflake design and... 460 00:23:44,604 --> 00:23:47,362 Don't, oh, no, don't do that! 461 00:23:47,362 --> 00:23:52,440 No, we have to save that for a present for next year. 462 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:54,920 Oh, brilliant, bubble wrap! Brilliant. 463 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,998 - JIMMY: We've lost Bill for 45 minutes. - Yeah, that's him. 464 00:23:57,998 --> 00:24:00,317 - Put your tongue in. - Oh, sorry. 465 00:24:00,317 --> 00:24:03,596 - Whoo ho, ho, ho! - Put your tongue in? - Do you know what that is? 466 00:24:03,596 --> 00:24:06,715 - It's only a flipping stone axe. - Yeah. 467 00:24:06,715 --> 00:24:08,074 Head, isn't it? Or a... 468 00:24:08,074 --> 00:24:10,833 - It is a genuinely ancient... - A flint. 469 00:24:10,833 --> 00:24:13,992 Not even made by a human being, made before we were a species. 470 00:24:13,992 --> 00:24:16,071 Wow! By some sort of early hominid. 471 00:24:16,071 --> 00:24:19,150 - Exactly. - Homo...erectus? - Erectus is exactly right. 472 00:24:19,150 --> 00:24:24,388 - Homo erectus. - So this is a stone cutting tool, some sort of axe? 473 00:24:24,388 --> 00:24:27,227 Yes. It's called an axe, but you're right, it's a cutting tool. 474 00:24:27,227 --> 00:24:29,746 It's certainly not for stabbing, it's for cutting. 475 00:24:29,746 --> 00:24:32,585 - That is beautiful... - It is absolutely gorgeous. - That is amazing. 476 00:24:32,585 --> 00:24:35,464 They're called Acheulean, or Acheu-layin. 477 00:24:35,464 --> 00:24:37,423 Yeah, they... Is it working? 478 00:24:37,423 --> 00:24:41,022 - It's really good for anything. - No, it doesn't work. - It's good for chopping garlic. 479 00:24:41,022 --> 00:24:43,341 Oh, yeah, garlic, yes. Actually, yeah, go on. 480 00:24:43,341 --> 00:24:44,820 BANGING 481 00:24:44,820 --> 00:24:47,099 Oh, look at that. 482 00:24:47,099 --> 00:24:50,698 APPLAUSE 483 00:24:50,698 --> 00:24:53,937 It's unfortunate...that they didn't invent cardboard for another 484 00:24:53,937 --> 00:24:57,815 - 5,000 years. - Yeah, they had to wait for cardboard, you're right. 485 00:24:57,815 --> 00:25:01,094 - Do you know what, I love this, thank you. - Oh, I'm really pleased. - I love it. 486 00:25:01,094 --> 00:25:03,733 - I thought you might. It is... - I will treasure it always. 487 00:25:03,733 --> 00:25:05,932 That's a Mode 2, a more sophisticated one. 488 00:25:05,932 --> 00:25:09,731 The Mode 1 was called Oldowan, from the Olduvai Gorge in Tanzania, 489 00:25:09,731 --> 00:25:12,650 which is where all the hominids started, 490 00:25:12,650 --> 00:25:16,368 although similar hand axes have been found in Clacton, in Essex, 491 00:25:16,368 --> 00:25:21,006 - which originate from about... - The - '70s. 20 years ago, exactly. 492 00:25:21,006 --> 00:25:24,205 MAKES CHEWBACCA NOISES 493 00:25:24,205 --> 00:25:26,444 We're talking about a people who bleach their anuses 494 00:25:26,444 --> 00:25:28,923 and they're very sophisticated. 495 00:25:28,923 --> 00:25:30,803 - Have you not watched TOWIE? - No. 496 00:25:30,803 --> 00:25:32,842 Oh, yes. No, I have watched that, yes. 497 00:25:32,842 --> 00:25:35,801 - They do bleach or... - They bleach their anuses. - They do. - What is it? 498 00:25:35,801 --> 00:25:39,039 - Anus bleaching is a popular thing amongst... - Yeah. 499 00:25:39,039 --> 00:25:43,838 - Amongst what? - It's so you don't have a rusty sheriff's badge. - Oh! 500 00:25:43,838 --> 00:25:46,876 Argh! Alan Davies! 501 00:25:46,876 --> 00:25:50,195 Alan Davies. Merry Christmas, everyone! Merry Christmas, everybody! 502 00:25:50,195 --> 00:25:53,034 - Merry Christmas! - Hey! - Merry Christmas! 503 00:25:54,313 --> 00:25:58,312 ♪ Wants me for a sunbeam... ♪ 504 00:25:58,312 --> 00:26:02,350 - Gather round the fire. - When I said Homo erectus... 505 00:26:03,470 --> 00:26:07,668 We all know what Alan's an anagram of anyway. So... 506 00:26:07,668 --> 00:26:11,027 - Yeah, Nala. - Nala, yeah, Nala. 507 00:26:11,027 --> 00:26:14,546 An old Peruvian Inca word for anus. 508 00:26:15,705 --> 00:26:17,305 All right, moving on. 509 00:26:17,305 --> 00:26:19,904 Everyone likes a little luxury at Christmas, but what little 510 00:26:19,904 --> 00:26:23,222 luxury did the Sybarites bring along to dinner parties? 511 00:26:23,222 --> 00:26:26,221 - Ferrero Rocher. - Ferrero... - Oooh! 512 00:26:26,221 --> 00:26:28,420 KLAXON 513 00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:31,339 APPLAUSE 514 00:26:36,217 --> 00:26:38,376 Pleased with that one. 515 00:26:38,376 --> 00:26:41,095 There we are. You've heard the word sybaritic, I'm sure, 516 00:26:41,095 --> 00:26:43,215 meaning luxury-loving, 517 00:26:43,215 --> 00:26:46,413 hedonistic, lotus-eating sybaritic lifestyle. 518 00:26:46,413 --> 00:26:48,892 - Luxury-loving. - Luxury-loving. Yeah. - OK. 519 00:26:48,892 --> 00:26:51,212 A very L word. So they're very known for that. 520 00:26:51,212 --> 00:26:53,411 You can see elephants, there's a camel, 521 00:26:53,411 --> 00:26:56,529 they're all the signs of luxury. Gold, drinking... 522 00:26:56,529 --> 00:26:58,889 All the signs of luxury. We live very different lives. 523 00:26:58,889 --> 00:27:01,128 Elephants, camels, you know. 524 00:27:01,128 --> 00:27:04,087 If you came from southern Italy, which is where they came from, 525 00:27:04,087 --> 00:27:07,845 these were very exotic, very expensive, very amazing things. 526 00:27:07,845 --> 00:27:09,844 Would it be spice, would it be salt? 527 00:27:09,844 --> 00:27:12,004 No, the strange thing is... 528 00:27:12,004 --> 00:27:16,842 - It's now, I have to draw a line and say it's too late. - Oh, urine! 529 00:27:16,842 --> 00:27:20,080 - It was chamber pots. - No! - Yes. 530 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,159 They gave the world chamber pots. Because they so loved dining, 531 00:27:23,159 --> 00:27:27,158 they wanted not to have to leave in order to poo and pee. 532 00:27:27,158 --> 00:27:30,836 So they invented something you could poo and pee into while eating. 533 00:27:30,836 --> 00:27:32,716 - Oh! - And then presumably someone would... 534 00:27:32,716 --> 00:27:35,235 Someone else would take it and bring back a clean one. 535 00:27:35,235 --> 00:27:37,554 They invented the person that would take it away. 536 00:27:37,554 --> 00:27:39,953 They also invented the... They had slavery, I'm afraid. 537 00:27:39,953 --> 00:27:42,392 They were a Greek peoples, who lived in southern Italy, 538 00:27:42,392 --> 00:27:44,951 known for their luxury-loving lifestyle. 539 00:27:44,951 --> 00:27:49,109 Also, one of their greatest and most luxuriant leaders, 540 00:27:49,109 --> 00:27:51,548 Smyndirides, was said to be so, 541 00:27:51,548 --> 00:27:56,386 so in love with luxury that he slept on rose petals and could tell 542 00:27:56,386 --> 00:27:59,825 and was not able to sleep if one of the rose petals was folded over. 543 00:27:59,825 --> 00:28:02,704 - Oh! - What a big girl. 544 00:28:02,704 --> 00:28:04,943 You're not going to take that, are you? 545 00:28:04,943 --> 00:28:07,462 - I'm not going to take that. - There, you see. 546 00:28:07,462 --> 00:28:10,781 - I'm going to bleach your anus! - Ho, ho, ho! 547 00:28:10,781 --> 00:28:12,980 APPLAUSE Yes! 548 00:28:13,980 --> 00:28:16,019 Help me, someone... 549 00:28:16,019 --> 00:28:18,498 - So they... So yeah. So... - "I'm going to bleach your anus!" 550 00:28:18,498 --> 00:28:20,857 So, despite their reputation for luxury, 551 00:28:20,857 --> 00:28:23,696 the Sybarites' most lasting invention was the chamber pot. 552 00:28:23,696 --> 00:28:25,695 I can't resist another peek under the tree. 553 00:28:25,695 --> 00:28:28,254 Jimmy, there's a present for you, of course there is. 554 00:28:28,254 --> 00:28:31,373 Oops-a-daisy, I nearly broke the most valuable Christmas tree 555 00:28:31,373 --> 00:28:33,892 - in the world. - Ooh! - Ooh! 556 00:28:33,892 --> 00:28:37,171 - Holy moly, Paul! Paul! - Oh! The thing is, though... 557 00:28:37,171 --> 00:28:39,530 Paul... Paul's got his hand to his mouth. 558 00:28:39,530 --> 00:28:42,169 Go to a break! 559 00:28:42,169 --> 00:28:43,568 You spoilt Christmas! 560 00:28:43,568 --> 00:28:46,047 It's not my fault, it was leaning on the present. 561 00:28:46,047 --> 00:28:47,847 Paul, are you OK? 562 00:28:47,847 --> 00:28:51,965 ♪ It's beginning to look a lot like disaster... ♪ 563 00:28:53,564 --> 00:28:57,043 Paul, at least you can say Princess Leia has handled it. 564 00:28:58,522 --> 00:29:00,642 Could you pass that to Jimmy? 565 00:29:00,642 --> 00:29:03,281 - Jimmy, open your present, it's very exciting. - OK. 566 00:29:03,281 --> 00:29:07,039 It's actually rather a traditional present for a young person to get 567 00:29:07,039 --> 00:29:10,158 for Christmas, or at least was in my generation, probably isn't any more. 568 00:29:10,158 --> 00:29:12,837 A young person seems like a stretch now, I'm 41. 569 00:29:12,837 --> 00:29:15,996 - The only way I'm young now is if I die. - Or compared to me. 570 00:29:17,675 --> 00:29:19,354 Yeah, that... 571 00:29:19,354 --> 00:29:20,794 Now... 572 00:29:20,794 --> 00:29:23,113 - Well, you... - What I'm going to ask you to do is stand up, 573 00:29:23,113 --> 00:29:25,712 and if you can, on a box, or at least as high as you can. 574 00:29:25,712 --> 00:29:30,110 - Well, I didn't get you anything and I think my gift's better. - No! 575 00:29:30,110 --> 00:29:32,669 You know the principle of siphoning liquid, 576 00:29:32,669 --> 00:29:36,268 where you put a tube into a petrol tank and you slightly suck 577 00:29:36,268 --> 00:29:39,307 and then it's got to be higher than the bucket that you siphon into? 578 00:29:39,307 --> 00:29:42,066 - Sure. - You can siphon a chain. So stand as high as you can. 579 00:29:42,066 --> 00:29:44,945 And you see there's an end coming out of the beaker. 580 00:29:44,945 --> 00:29:47,584 - As high as I can, hang on. - Out of the cup. - Shall I go on the desk? 581 00:29:47,584 --> 00:29:50,382 - If you feel comfortable on the desk, that's great. - Yeah, why not? 582 00:29:50,382 --> 00:29:53,261 And if you could just jerk out the...the leading... 583 00:29:53,261 --> 00:29:56,820 - LAUGHTER - Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! 584 00:29:56,820 --> 00:29:59,659 Stephen, just tell me what you need me to do. 585 00:29:59,659 --> 00:30:01,898 - Jerk it out? - Just jerk it out. 586 00:30:01,898 --> 00:30:04,577 And with any luck you'll see a rather astonishing effect 587 00:30:04,577 --> 00:30:08,495 - that seems to defy gravity, in the words of Wicked. - So jerk that out. 588 00:30:08,495 --> 00:30:10,815 Yeah, out, up and down. As high as you can. 589 00:30:10,815 --> 00:30:12,014 Oh! 590 00:30:12,014 --> 00:30:13,414 Wow! 591 00:30:13,414 --> 00:30:15,133 - BILL: - Look at that, that's amazing! 592 00:30:15,133 --> 00:30:16,692 Dude! 593 00:30:16,692 --> 00:30:19,891 It's going up, it's going up, it's going up. 594 00:30:19,891 --> 00:30:21,610 - Oh! - Oh, it's magic. 595 00:30:23,770 --> 00:30:24,809 Whoo! 596 00:30:29,287 --> 00:30:32,326 - That's pretty impressive. - And that's actual magic? 597 00:30:32,326 --> 00:30:34,805 That is, isn't it? It's the magic of science. 598 00:30:34,805 --> 00:30:36,845 - That's incredible. - What's lovely about that, 599 00:30:36,845 --> 00:30:39,523 and we love this particularly on QI, is that it's a phenomenon 600 00:30:39,523 --> 00:30:41,803 that's only recently been discovered in 2013. 601 00:30:41,803 --> 00:30:45,401 And did someone discover that...? Was it a bath plug? 602 00:30:45,401 --> 00:30:49,440 It was first demonstrated on YouTube in 2013 by a man called Steve Mould 603 00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:51,599 who is a science presenter. 604 00:30:51,599 --> 00:30:55,437 It's had one-and-a-half million hits so far, hope it'll have more. 605 00:30:55,437 --> 00:30:57,597 Came to the notice of John Biggens and Mark Warner, 606 00:30:57,597 --> 00:31:00,196 who are two Cambridge scientists, and they presented a paper 607 00:31:00,196 --> 00:31:02,435 on the way it works to the Royal Society 608 00:31:02,435 --> 00:31:05,354 and they basically argued this - the longer the drop to the floor, 609 00:31:05,354 --> 00:31:07,553 the faster the string of beads jumps out of the pot, 610 00:31:07,553 --> 00:31:09,512 the higher the chain fountains, they call it. 611 00:31:09,512 --> 00:31:11,871 Because the beads are close together they act as if 612 00:31:11,871 --> 00:31:15,350 they were a sequence of little rods, rising out of the pod. 613 00:31:15,350 --> 00:31:17,989 It tries to rotate around its centre of gravity, but it can't, 614 00:31:17,989 --> 00:31:19,788 because the bottom of the pod is in the way 615 00:31:19,788 --> 00:31:21,587 and so it has nowhere to go but upwards. 616 00:31:21,587 --> 00:31:23,866 At least that's the scientific explanation. 617 00:31:23,866 --> 00:31:25,986 That's in real time, that's not speeded up. 618 00:31:25,986 --> 00:31:27,145 It's quite astonishing. 619 00:31:27,145 --> 00:31:30,064 I thought mine was special, there's another one. 620 00:31:30,064 --> 00:31:31,583 I thought mine was enchanted. 621 00:31:31,583 --> 00:31:35,462 The beautiful thing is, everyone now can give it to their children. 622 00:31:35,462 --> 00:31:36,981 That's the thing, you see? 623 00:31:36,981 --> 00:31:39,580 Now to that evergreen highlight of Christmas telly, 624 00:31:39,580 --> 00:31:42,419 it's not A Wonderful Life, it's General Ignorance. 625 00:31:42,419 --> 00:31:46,178 And there's no Great Escape. Fingers on buzzers, please, if you will. 626 00:31:46,178 --> 00:31:49,137 How can the detective tell if someone's used a gun? 627 00:31:49,137 --> 00:31:51,976 ♪ Ding dong merrily on high... ♪ 628 00:31:51,976 --> 00:31:54,575 They're holding a gun. 629 00:31:56,414 --> 00:31:58,453 APPLAUSE 630 00:32:00,412 --> 00:32:03,571 I was going to go with bullet wound. 631 00:32:03,571 --> 00:32:06,410 Well, those are indicators that a gun has been USED, 632 00:32:06,410 --> 00:32:09,169 - how can you tell...? - Fingerprints. - Fingerprints, ah... 633 00:32:09,169 --> 00:32:11,448 KLAXON 634 00:32:11,448 --> 00:32:16,686 Only 5% of guns that are used have residue of fingerprints, 635 00:32:16,686 --> 00:32:19,085 or latents as they're called, as we know from police shows, 636 00:32:19,085 --> 00:32:21,724 but police shows quite wrongly suggest that fingerprints 637 00:32:21,724 --> 00:32:24,923 are a big, big issue in guns, whose fingerprints are on there. 638 00:32:24,923 --> 00:32:28,841 - It's only - 5%. It looks like that's kind of break glass for emergencies. 639 00:32:28,841 --> 00:32:30,841 - It does, doesn't it? - Only 5%? 640 00:32:30,841 --> 00:32:33,520 Only 5%, partly because guns are oily anyway, 641 00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:35,959 partly because they put it away in their pocket 642 00:32:35,959 --> 00:32:39,117 and they get smeared off, and partly because they're careful. 643 00:32:39,117 --> 00:32:40,637 So how do you tell if someone's...? 644 00:32:40,637 --> 00:32:43,156 Powder residue's far more likely on their clothes 645 00:32:43,156 --> 00:32:45,435 if they haven't burnt or thrown away their clothes. 646 00:32:45,435 --> 00:32:47,314 There's a much bigger index, so be careful 647 00:32:47,314 --> 00:32:48,834 if you're planning any incident. 648 00:32:48,834 --> 00:32:51,553 I hate those presents where it's all strapped in like that, 649 00:32:51,553 --> 00:32:53,832 it's so difficult to get the toy out the box. 650 00:32:53,832 --> 00:32:57,350 So you need an old flinty... 651 00:32:57,350 --> 00:33:01,829 - I'm going to be using this at every opportunity. - So, there we are. 652 00:33:01,829 --> 00:33:03,748 What happens to my Christmas souffle 653 00:33:03,748 --> 00:33:06,347 if I open the oven door while it's cooking? 654 00:33:06,347 --> 00:33:08,386 - It'll sink. - Oh, dear. 655 00:33:08,386 --> 00:33:11,785 KLAXON 656 00:33:11,785 --> 00:33:14,784 - Well... - Everyone knows that. - So we've been brought up to believe. 657 00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:16,103 It just isn't true. 658 00:33:16,103 --> 00:33:20,102 If it goes cold it'll sink, but even then it'll re-rise if you heat it up 659 00:33:20,102 --> 00:33:23,540 again and just opening the oven door won't make it sink, it really won't. 660 00:33:23,540 --> 00:33:26,859 - Sorry, what's this Christmas souffle? - I know! 661 00:33:26,859 --> 00:33:29,378 We're trying to make it topical, I agree, 662 00:33:29,378 --> 00:33:32,497 - I've never had souffle at Christmas. - Have you ever had a souffle? 663 00:33:32,497 --> 00:33:33,976 The classic Christmas dish! 664 00:33:33,976 --> 00:33:36,095 One of the things I do know how to cook is souffle. 665 00:33:36,095 --> 00:33:38,454 - Oh, you're good at the souffle? - I'm really good at it. 666 00:33:38,454 --> 00:33:41,213 That's how I entered the cooking field, as it were. 667 00:33:41,213 --> 00:33:44,132 - What was the souffle? What did you go with? - Souffle, I've got... 668 00:33:44,132 --> 00:33:49,370 The best one that I make is cheese, ham and cheese and chocolate. 669 00:33:49,370 --> 00:33:54,168 Chocolate? 28th February is National Chocolate Souffle Day in France. 670 00:33:54,168 --> 00:33:57,487 All right, come on over to my house. Everybody's invited. 671 00:33:57,487 --> 00:33:59,166 Everybody's invited! 672 00:33:59,166 --> 00:34:01,805 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 673 00:34:04,484 --> 00:34:08,203 It's actually much easier to make souffles than you know. 674 00:34:08,203 --> 00:34:09,882 That's my big secret. 675 00:34:09,882 --> 00:34:11,962 But everybody's incredibly impressed by them 676 00:34:11,962 --> 00:34:14,321 because they think this whole thing of the timing of it 677 00:34:14,321 --> 00:34:16,160 and the fact they'll sink but they won't. 678 00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:20,278 - Is that girl contemplating suicide? - Don't! 679 00:34:20,278 --> 00:34:22,318 You are one sick melon farmer. 680 00:34:22,318 --> 00:34:26,156 She just looks very sad, she's staring at a gas oven. 681 00:34:26,156 --> 00:34:29,515 If you were a child in an English home in the '70s, 682 00:34:29,515 --> 00:34:33,953 - you would get sent into the gas oven with matches. - It's true. 683 00:34:33,953 --> 00:34:37,352 And that was normal. There was like no health and safety, 684 00:34:37,352 --> 00:34:41,110 get in the oven with the matches and light the gas with your head in. 685 00:34:42,710 --> 00:34:45,189 Eye-level grill. 686 00:34:45,189 --> 00:34:48,987 - Didn't think anything of it. - Death trap. - Death trap. 687 00:34:48,987 --> 00:34:52,346 - That's why you look the way you do, isn't it? - Yes, it is, exactly. 688 00:34:54,105 --> 00:34:57,464 You probably know Bill best from the warning films. 689 00:34:57,464 --> 00:35:00,743 Hey, kids, don't. Look what happened to me, eh? 690 00:35:03,422 --> 00:35:06,860 Anyway, yeah, it is OK to open the oven door to check your souffle. 691 00:35:06,860 --> 00:35:09,659 Well, now, hey-ho, all good things must come to an end 692 00:35:09,659 --> 00:35:13,698 so, when should you take down your Christmas decorations? 693 00:35:13,698 --> 00:35:16,617 BELLS, BARKS AND SILENT NIGHT 694 00:35:16,617 --> 00:35:18,896 - January the sixth. - January the sixth? 695 00:35:18,896 --> 00:35:20,095 KLAXON BLARES 696 00:35:20,095 --> 00:35:21,415 Oh, dear! 697 00:35:21,415 --> 00:35:22,934 I think it's... 698 00:35:22,934 --> 00:35:27,053 - What? - I think it's after the first fight on Christmas morning, you go, 699 00:35:27,053 --> 00:35:28,932 "It's all ruined, it's over!" 700 00:35:28,932 --> 00:35:31,011 12th day. 701 00:35:31,011 --> 00:35:33,930 - Well, the 12th day of Christmas. - The 12th day of Christmas. 702 00:35:33,930 --> 00:35:36,129 What is the 12th day of Christmas? 703 00:35:36,129 --> 00:35:37,449 My true love gave to me... 704 00:35:37,449 --> 00:35:39,128 January the sixth. 705 00:35:39,128 --> 00:35:41,887 Some people think it's January the fifth. 706 00:35:41,887 --> 00:35:44,886 No, well, you see, the tradition is that it's Candlemas Eve. 707 00:35:44,886 --> 00:35:46,245 ALAN SIGHS 708 00:35:46,245 --> 00:35:49,244 - And Candlemas... I know. - You know. 709 00:35:49,244 --> 00:35:54,282 Candlemas Eve where you burn your bleaching vouchers. 710 00:35:54,282 --> 00:35:58,401 And then you lose your racing car trip in a pile of wrapping paper. 711 00:35:58,401 --> 00:36:01,599 It's the first of February. Candlemas Day is the second of February. 712 00:36:01,599 --> 00:36:03,878 The whole idea is Christmas is a gigantic feast. 713 00:36:03,878 --> 00:36:06,637 - The first of February?! - Yeah. Christmas was a huge winter feast. 714 00:36:06,637 --> 00:36:09,876 And you kept the holly and the ivy and all your things up all the way through. 715 00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:12,035 Nowadays we've got central heating and things, 716 00:36:12,035 --> 00:36:14,634 we don't really think about how amazing it was to have pickles 717 00:36:14,634 --> 00:36:17,313 and jams and preserves and dried fruit 718 00:36:17,313 --> 00:36:19,752 and all the things that kept you through winter. 719 00:36:19,752 --> 00:36:22,151 - And it was a great celebration. - And book tokens. 720 00:36:22,151 --> 00:36:24,750 So, Christmas was actually all the way from Martinmas, 721 00:36:24,750 --> 00:36:28,069 which was 11th November, to Candlemas Eve. 722 00:36:28,069 --> 00:36:32,068 Well, that was a long labour for Mary, then, wasn't it? 723 00:36:32,068 --> 00:36:34,786 40 days before Christmas were a fasting season, 724 00:36:34,786 --> 00:36:37,066 they were getting ready for it, and then Christmas... 725 00:36:37,066 --> 00:36:39,545 I find the opposite. You can't fast before Christmas. 726 00:36:39,545 --> 00:36:42,144 You have to get yourself match-fit for the big day. 727 00:36:42,144 --> 00:36:44,663 You can't just go from a normal diet to 10,000 calories, 728 00:36:44,663 --> 00:36:46,822 you've got to work your way up to Christmas 729 00:36:46,822 --> 00:36:49,381 and then you're ready on the big day for, you know, 730 00:36:49,381 --> 00:36:53,779 Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and Baileys to start. 731 00:36:53,779 --> 00:36:56,138 You're such a sensible man. 732 00:36:56,138 --> 00:36:59,297 I tell you, the Rice Krispies and the Lambrusco, awesome. 733 00:37:02,016 --> 00:37:04,295 That is a lifesaver, I tell you. 734 00:37:04,295 --> 00:37:07,334 You realise someone's watching this on Dave at four in the morning 735 00:37:07,334 --> 00:37:09,293 going, "We've got those." 736 00:37:12,172 --> 00:37:14,091 - I... - You've run out of Jagermeister 737 00:37:14,091 --> 00:37:16,370 and you have to have a Tia Maria bomb. 738 00:37:16,370 --> 00:37:18,690 So, it's Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and Baileys. 739 00:37:18,690 --> 00:37:22,368 My God, that is a calorie delivery system and a half. 740 00:37:22,368 --> 00:37:25,287 HE SLURS: Oh, they're tasty, tasty... 741 00:37:27,486 --> 00:37:30,685 Tasty, oh-oh! 742 00:37:32,124 --> 00:37:34,084 Bill Bailey is the spirit of Christmas. 743 00:37:34,084 --> 00:37:35,763 I am the spirit of Christmas, yes. 744 00:37:35,763 --> 00:37:39,002 I'm sorry, for a sophisticate like you, Carrie, this must be upsetting. 745 00:37:39,002 --> 00:37:41,601 - Oh, such a sophisticate. - You are a glittering sophisticate. 746 00:37:41,601 --> 00:37:43,640 But what, explain to the ladies and gentlemen, 747 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:46,319 because, you know, we know that there is a separation of church 748 00:37:46,319 --> 00:37:48,998 and state in America, and what that means, of course, 749 00:37:48,998 --> 00:37:51,877 is that Christmas Day is not a particularly special day. 750 00:37:51,877 --> 00:37:54,836 - It's illegal. - In as much as that's a big day for people 751 00:37:54,836 --> 00:37:56,515 to go to the cinema, isn't it? 752 00:37:56,515 --> 00:37:58,914 Well, I don't think it's a special day any more 753 00:37:58,914 --> 00:38:01,073 - and also stores are still open. - That's what I mean. 754 00:38:01,073 --> 00:38:03,632 That's the point, because in American law you can't have a 755 00:38:03,632 --> 00:38:06,431 religious festival being a commercial holiday. 756 00:38:06,431 --> 00:38:09,590 So all your holidays are secular. Memorial Day, Labor Day, 757 00:38:09,590 --> 00:38:12,749 Veterans Day, Thanksgiving Day, none of those are religious, 758 00:38:12,749 --> 00:38:15,268 whereas we, being a still so-called religious country, 759 00:38:15,268 --> 00:38:17,267 we have these days like Christmas which... 760 00:38:17,267 --> 00:38:20,226 No-one would think of going to the cinema on Christmas Day in Britain. 761 00:38:20,226 --> 00:38:22,665 I've read an interesting thing about America recently. 762 00:38:22,665 --> 00:38:24,664 Oh, actually it was in The Unbelievers, 763 00:38:24,664 --> 00:38:27,463 - the brilliant film about atheism... - Oh, yeah. - ..which said that 764 00:38:27,463 --> 00:38:30,422 we've secularised in Great Britain, we've become a secular culture, 765 00:38:30,422 --> 00:38:33,021 whereas in America they've secularised their religion. 766 00:38:33,021 --> 00:38:35,420 So churches in America are more like self-help groups, 767 00:38:35,420 --> 00:38:38,259 they're about this life not the next life, so they've just changed 768 00:38:38,259 --> 00:38:40,698 religion so they're thinking about it in a different way. 769 00:38:40,698 --> 00:38:42,737 That's in The Inbetweeners? 770 00:38:45,616 --> 00:38:48,175 Yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah. 771 00:38:48,175 --> 00:38:49,654 Simon Bird said it, yeah. 772 00:38:49,654 --> 00:38:52,293 Do you want a bit off your...? Little bit off your ears. 773 00:38:52,293 --> 00:38:56,172 It's a really interesting thing, though, it is quite a secular culture, America. 774 00:38:56,172 --> 00:38:57,491 Although Americans, 775 00:38:57,491 --> 00:39:00,410 over 60% believe that angels walk amongst us. 776 00:39:00,410 --> 00:39:02,210 - That's in America? - That's in America. 777 00:39:02,210 --> 00:39:05,488 - SHE LAUGHS - Why would they walk? 778 00:39:05,488 --> 00:39:07,048 LAUGHTER 779 00:39:12,086 --> 00:39:14,765 Hold on, hold on, are they cockney, these angels? 780 00:39:14,765 --> 00:39:19,643 COCKNEY VOICE: "Cor blimey, it's a right...it's a right result, this Earth, isn't it?" 781 00:39:19,643 --> 00:39:21,362 "Hello, Raphael." 782 00:39:21,362 --> 00:39:23,921 "Hello, mate. How are you doing, all right?" 783 00:39:23,921 --> 00:39:25,880 "Yeah. You're an archangel, you are." 784 00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:29,239 "I'm infused with the holy spirit, I tell you what..." 785 00:39:29,239 --> 00:39:32,558 "Fancy coming down and walking among them?" 786 00:39:32,558 --> 00:39:36,676 Who makes up that test, though? Who even thinks up that question? 787 00:39:36,676 --> 00:39:39,435 I know. "Where is Copenhagen", for example, was asked to 788 00:39:39,435 --> 00:39:43,834 a group of Americans and most of them thought it was in Canada. 789 00:39:43,834 --> 00:39:47,232 You mean...it isn't? 790 00:39:47,232 --> 00:39:48,872 - No. - LAUGHTER 791 00:39:54,110 --> 00:39:56,709 This is really such a shock to me. 792 00:39:56,709 --> 00:39:58,708 Also, do you know where the rebel base is? 793 00:39:58,708 --> 00:40:02,147 Will you tell us where the rebel base is? 794 00:40:02,147 --> 00:40:05,465 - In your pants, right there. - LAUGHTER 795 00:40:05,465 --> 00:40:07,265 Hey! Whoo! 796 00:40:09,184 --> 00:40:10,623 Ow! 797 00:40:10,623 --> 00:40:13,302 That's why you have to keep it bleached. 798 00:40:13,302 --> 00:40:15,581 That would be a great pair of underpants, 799 00:40:15,581 --> 00:40:17,501 just have "Rebel Base" across there. 800 00:40:17,501 --> 00:40:21,259 - On the waistband. - They're patented...! - Write that down. 801 00:40:21,259 --> 00:40:24,418 "These are the pants you want." 802 00:40:24,418 --> 00:40:27,137 Copyright Alan Davies. Yeah, well done. 803 00:40:27,137 --> 00:40:31,575 So you can leave your Christmas decorations up 804 00:40:31,575 --> 00:40:33,654 until the first of February, for all I care. 805 00:40:33,654 --> 00:40:36,813 So, having reinstated the full 38 days of Christmas, 806 00:40:36,813 --> 00:40:39,892 we now have plenty of time to mull over the scores, and my goodness me, 807 00:40:39,892 --> 00:40:41,291 how fabulous they are. 808 00:40:41,291 --> 00:40:45,530 In first place, with astonishing scoring, five points, 809 00:40:45,530 --> 00:40:47,889 - that's a plus five, Jimmy Carr. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 810 00:40:47,889 --> 00:40:52,447 Oh, yes! Come on, five! Five points! 811 00:40:52,447 --> 00:40:56,566 But imagine, on your debut to have a plus score, plus three, 812 00:40:56,566 --> 00:40:59,085 - Carrie Fisher! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 813 00:40:59,085 --> 00:41:01,923 Three, brilliant. Three is a lot. 814 00:41:01,923 --> 00:41:05,402 Bill, in third place with a respectable minus six. 815 00:41:05,402 --> 00:41:08,561 Minus six! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 816 00:41:12,199 --> 00:41:14,319 There are only 40 days in advent, 817 00:41:14,319 --> 00:41:16,638 but Alan manages minus 46! 818 00:41:16,638 --> 00:41:18,997 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 819 00:41:24,995 --> 00:41:29,473 It only remains for me to thank Carrie, Jimmy, Bill and... 820 00:41:29,473 --> 00:41:31,912 Oh, wait a second, wait a second, 821 00:41:31,912 --> 00:41:35,830 there's one little boy here who still hasn't had a present. 822 00:41:35,830 --> 00:41:38,829 - ALL: Aw! - But here's Santa! 823 00:41:38,829 --> 00:41:41,228 Hello, Santa! 824 00:41:41,228 --> 00:41:43,268 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 825 00:41:43,268 --> 00:41:46,626 So, Santa, what have you got for Alan? 826 00:41:46,626 --> 00:41:48,625 Have a feel in Santa's sack, Alan. 827 00:41:48,625 --> 00:41:53,504 What can you... Have a feel. What can you... What's in there? 828 00:41:53,504 --> 00:41:55,383 - Ping pong balls. - Ping pong balls. 829 00:41:55,383 --> 00:41:57,982 I know a very exciting thing you can do with ping pong balls, 830 00:41:57,982 --> 00:42:00,061 but it's quite loud and quite dangerous. 831 00:42:00,061 --> 00:42:02,620 So, can you all put your ear defenders on? 832 00:42:02,620 --> 00:42:04,299 Look at Carrie's ear defenders. 833 00:42:04,299 --> 00:42:07,418 Carrie's ear defenders are very special. 834 00:42:07,418 --> 00:42:12,656 Ah, you don't know, but you got me through some very difficult years. 835 00:42:12,656 --> 00:42:16,815 I only said that when you had the ear defenders on. 836 00:42:18,134 --> 00:42:21,733 You go in a safe place. Jimmy, Carrie and Bill. 837 00:42:21,733 --> 00:42:25,291 - Sorry? What, what? - And ear defenders on in the audience, if you would. 838 00:42:25,291 --> 00:42:26,651 Good luck! 839 00:42:26,651 --> 00:42:30,049 Alan, you and I are going to the extremely dangerous place. 840 00:42:30,049 --> 00:42:32,608 I mean kind of suicidal. 841 00:42:32,608 --> 00:42:35,567 So put the goggles on before the... Yeah, all right. 842 00:42:35,567 --> 00:42:37,846 And I've got gloves, which you don't need to have. 843 00:42:37,846 --> 00:42:40,885 Right, OK. So here we have the ping pong balls. 844 00:42:40,885 --> 00:42:43,524 We're going to pour in liquid nitrogen, 845 00:42:43,524 --> 00:42:46,483 which is 196 degrees...minus, that is. 846 00:42:46,483 --> 00:42:49,562 Really, really cold. We're pouring it into this bottle. 847 00:42:49,562 --> 00:42:51,561 And it's fine in the bottle, 848 00:42:51,561 --> 00:42:56,079 but if you put it in really hot water, obviously this is gas, 849 00:42:56,079 --> 00:42:59,118 which is in liquid form, and when it heats it'll go back to gas. 850 00:42:59,118 --> 00:43:01,957 But there's so much of it, it'll expand and expand and expand 851 00:43:01,957 --> 00:43:04,916 and the bottle will explode, really rather violently. 852 00:43:04,916 --> 00:43:06,995 So, if you put it in, there's hot water in there, 853 00:43:06,995 --> 00:43:09,274 we're going to add these ping pong balls. 854 00:43:09,274 --> 00:43:14,552 And the moment the bottle goes in... Alan, pop in yours, all of them. 855 00:43:14,552 --> 00:43:16,152 And I'll pop in all of mine. 856 00:43:16,152 --> 00:43:19,191 And then we've got about five seconds! Wow, let's go. 857 00:43:21,550 --> 00:43:22,669 Oh, gosh! 858 00:43:22,669 --> 00:43:24,548 ALL: Whoo! 859 00:43:24,548 --> 00:43:27,107 Oh! It's snow! 860 00:43:29,706 --> 00:43:34,265 Well, ladies and gentlemen... 861 00:43:34,265 --> 00:43:35,944 That is just great. 862 00:43:35,944 --> 00:43:41,542 That was genuinely like all our Christmases came at once. 863 00:43:41,542 --> 00:43:44,141 Ding dong, merrily on high. 864 00:43:44,141 --> 00:43:46,460 And a very happy Christmas to you all! 865 00:43:46,460 --> 00:43:48,579 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE