1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,040 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:25,520 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 3 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:32,720 Good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:35,560 good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, 5 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:39,000 the panel show where fortune favours the brains. 6 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,400 Tonight's show is all about Luck and Loss, 7 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,360 so without further ado, let's meet our Lucky Losers. 8 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:46,560 The fortunate Sandi Toksvig. 9 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:48,760 APPLAUSE 10 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:52,000 The fortuitous Danny Baker. 11 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,400 Thank you. APPLAUSE 12 00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,800 The jammy Jeremy Clarkson. 13 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,080 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,840 And Mr Jinx, the Jonah, Alan Davies. 15 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,120 APPLAUSE 16 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:14,280 Now, I'm afraid your buzzers are a bit of a lottery, so Sandi goes... 17 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:16,240 DRUM ROLL 'Release the balls.' 18 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:19,800 Danny goes... 19 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,640 'No more bets, please.' 20 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,520 - That sounded like you, didn't it? - How nice. - Yeah. Jeremy goes... 21 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,640 FRUIT MACHINE DISPENSES COINS 22 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,840 Literally no idea what that was. 23 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,880 - I think it was a jackpot. - Ah. 24 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,000 Now, Alan goes... 25 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:41,880 BECK: # I'm a loser, baby So why don't you kill me? # 26 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,880 Now, seeing as being as this is the Lucky Losers show, 27 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:48,880 whoever gets the lowest score wins. 28 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:50,680 Well done, Alan! 29 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,160 LAUGHTER 30 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,040 Well done already, congratulations. 31 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,040 So, what you have to do, obviously, 32 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:58,720 is try and collect as many Klaxons as you can. 33 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:02,400 And that's going to be interesting, we hope. Quite Interesting. 34 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:05,280 Fingers on the buzzers, here's your first chance. 35 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:09,720 What is the oldest you can be on a Club 18-30 holiday? 36 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,400 - Danny? - 30. 37 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:12,880 Very well done. 38 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:15,880 You see, you've got the idea, there's the Klaxon. 39 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,920 But anyone like to have a go at the right answer? 40 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,080 What do you imagine is in fact the right answer? 41 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:21,680 We won't punish you for that. 42 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,000 Surely there's some leeway? Those ladies look a little over 30. 43 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,440 Is it sort of mid-20s? 44 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,920 Are they actually... Is it the other way? 45 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,440 No, it is a little bit older than 30. 46 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:32,920 35. 47 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,720 - 173. - 173, that's a very good number. 48 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,280 Is it 31? 49 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,560 No, it's 36, rather bizarrely. 50 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:44,040 Well, the oldest you can leave the country with a Club 18-30 ticket 51 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:48,120 is 35, but you might have your birthday while on the holiday. 52 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,200 Is there not a degree of sadness in your life 53 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:53,920 if you decide to spend your 36th birthday on a 18-30 holiday? 54 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,840 Has that woman on the left just turned 36? 55 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,800 "I'm so sorry, I've got to go now." 56 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:07,720 Yeah, there you go. 57 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,520 In theory you could celebrate your 36th birthday on a Club 18-30 holiday. 58 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:14,240 So, what is the youngest you can be to go on an... 59 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:17,720 18. 60 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:20,960 Ooh, he gets those Klaxons, doesn't he? 61 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,760 I like to win. 62 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,400 Have another go. 63 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,000 - Well, clearly they are keen on that margin of error. - Yeah. 64 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,680 There's clearly some margin of error, 65 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,840 so it can't surely be the same margin, it can't be six years. 66 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,000 No, it wouldn't be six, that would be awful. 67 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,560 12-36. 68 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,000 LAUGHTER 69 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,160 It's the perfect match. 70 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,160 I'm on the phone to Operation Yewtree as we speak. 71 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:46,320 - No. - It can't be much more. 16 or 17. 72 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:47,880 17 is the right answer, yes. 73 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,960 I'm winning now, so therefore I'm losing. 74 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,800 DANNY: Yeah. 75 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,200 Do you remember they had rather dodgy slogans...? 76 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,120 Do you remember any of them? 77 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,280 - "You will get fucked." - Yeah. 78 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,640 LAUGHTER 79 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,080 APPLAUSE 80 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,120 "Would you like to catch chlamydia?" 81 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,840 "Both carnally and financially." 82 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:18,200 Well, no, it wasn't quite as on the nose as that. 83 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,400 - It was... - "Herpes." 84 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:23,080 .."Beaver Espana". 85 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:25,000 - GROANING - Oh, God... - I know. 86 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:29,600 "It's not all sex, sex, sex - there's some sun and sea as well." 87 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:32,280 - Oh, dear. - DANNY: I know. - Really puts you off, doesn't it? 88 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:35,560 Chlamydia I think is a very good... 89 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,160 There's no symptoms, when you have chlamydia. 90 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:41,360 So if somebody says, "How are you?" and you say, "I'm very well," 91 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,240 that means you almost certainly have it. 92 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,520 - It's the perfect disease. - It is. 93 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:50,240 So I never know how anyone goes to the doctor's with it, it would be quite interesting... 94 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,640 - So there are no warts, there's no weeping... - No green discharge. 95 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:57,000 - GROANING AND LAUGHTER - One has to be frank about these things. 96 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,840 "Absolutely fine" - go to the doctor's, you'll have chlamydia. 97 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:01,640 It's baffling. And koalas all have it. 98 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,560 - Do they? - Yeah, all got chlamydia. - How do you know that? 99 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:09,000 Does that come up in general conversation? "Koalas have all got chlamydia." 100 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,320 Huge problem in Australia. 101 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:15,000 I thought maybe it was an add-on to an 18-30 Australian holiday. 102 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,920 "If you didn't get lucky, there's always the koalas." 103 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,440 LAUGHTER 104 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:23,400 Brilliant. Thank you so much. Fantastic. 105 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,440 Well, according to the official rules on their website, 106 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:30,720 a 17-year-old CAN go to a, as it turns out rather misnamed, 107 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,280 Club 18-30 holiday. 108 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,840 Now, a question especially for Alan to lose points with 109 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,720 in this Lucky Losers show. 110 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,000 Which mammal has the most cells in its body? 111 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,680 Blue whale. 112 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,720 FANFARE 113 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,520 I'm afraid... 114 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 115 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:50,000 ..it does! 116 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:55,440 And you get a lot of points for that. 117 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:59,880 It's the blue whale bonus and you get points, and what do points mean? 118 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,320 Prizes. 119 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,520 - Bad surprises. Yeah. - Bad what? 120 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,400 No, it does indeed have the most cells, cos it's the largest animal. 121 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,720 And the larger the animal, the more the cells. 122 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,560 But you can claw your way back if you could tell me 123 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,320 to the nearest trillion how many cells a human being has. 124 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,000 LAUGHTER 125 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,360 - It's a certain trillion. - Two. 126 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:23,960 Ah, it's a bit more than that. 127 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,960 - It's 30 trillion. - Is it? 128 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,840 - Yeah. - What if you were a fat blue whale? Then you'd have more. 129 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:31,120 Well, no, that's a human I'm talking about. 130 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,440 - The blue whale would be 2,000 times more cells. - Oh! 131 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:36,320 So you would think, because it has more cells, 132 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,320 that blue whales would have more cancers, 133 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,720 or at least have a greater number of them, 134 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:42,680 because it has so many more cells. 135 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:46,120 And in fact it has fewer than we do, and nobody knows why. 136 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:47,640 Well, it doesn't smoke. 137 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:50,840 That's an obvious reason. 138 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,520 There is that. But it's known as Peto's Paradox. 139 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,800 Do they die of cancer, whales? 140 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,520 All mammals can get it. 141 00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:00,240 People who've had cats and dogs will know, it's a very sad thing, 142 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,400 - but all animals get cancers, yeah. - Oh. 143 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,560 So, five minus points available 144 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,920 if you can tell me what species of whale that is there. 145 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,400 - Blue. - It's not a blue, actually. 146 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,200 We should have offered you a blue, 147 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,160 - but in fact that is a... - Is it a sperm? 148 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:17,400 - No, sperm are the ones with the big, big... - Hump. - It's a humpback. 149 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,680 Oh, sperm's got the big head that fills with stuff. 150 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:23,800 With spermaceti. With a milky substance in its head, 151 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:27,360 which to this day we don't know what it uses it for, 152 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,440 the general theory is it's something to do with the huge depths 153 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,440 it goes down to. And it was used by Nasa, 154 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,040 because it kept its viscosity in minus 400 degrees. 155 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:38,440 Incredibly cold temperatures, it was the same viscosity. 156 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,800 But it was basically the whole of the Industrial Revolution ran on whale oil, 157 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,920 and if it weren't for John D Rockefeller cracking crude oil 158 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,680 into petroleum and various other forms like paraffin and so on, 159 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:52,800 the whales would have unquestionably been extinct. 160 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,640 - So petrol saved the whale. - It did! 161 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,200 As I've been saying for many years... LAUGHTER 162 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,280 It's very... Yes, it's one of the great ironies of history. 163 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,800 APPLAUSE 164 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,640 - Knew it! - It's true. 165 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,920 I thought that would please you, somehow. 166 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,480 I'm enormously pleased. 167 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,240 You'd rather be a petrolhead than a spermhead. 168 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:14,480 - As it is... - LAUGHTER 169 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,760 I'd take all the compliments you can get, Jeremy. 170 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,440 LAUGHTER 171 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,880 Now, before we continue, I should let you know that, 172 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,880 as this is the L series, 173 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:28,480 one of the questions coming up will have a lavatorial theme. 174 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:30,480 The answer will be wholly lavatorial. 175 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,480 CASH REGISTER RINGS, TOILET FLUSHES 176 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:36,720 And if it is, you can ask if you can spend your penny, right? 177 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,480 - So if there's a lavatory question, I bring that out? - Yeah. - Right. 178 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,320 And you get extra points. That's right. So, anyway, moving on. 179 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:46,200 Which good cause benefited from Britain's first lottery? 180 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,520 FRUIT MACHINE DISPENSES COINS Dale Winton. 181 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,520 Dale Winton's tanning salon. 182 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:54,880 - I'm sure it did very well. - There you go. 183 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,200 But it wasn't Britain's first lottery. 184 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,600 - Is it the Bank of England? - No - that's a very good point. 185 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:03,080 That was almost like a lottery, shares were issued to raise money. 186 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,840 - For the army, wasn't it? - Yeah. 187 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,360 It was virtually like a lottery. 188 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,160 - But this one was similarly to raise money for... - Building? 189 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:12,760 For a military venture, or at least for a military, perhaps for defence, originally. 190 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:16,480 - Was it Drake? - Yes, it was indeed in 1567... 191 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,360 - It was Drake. - Yeah, it was... - The Armada. 192 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,200 What's that doing in my head? Why is that in my head? 193 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,360 I'm very impressed. It was Queen Elizabeth and her navy, 194 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,560 and indeed Drake was one of her leading figures. 195 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:28,480 - There she is. - That was a random guess. 196 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,520 She realised that, should King Philip of Spain send a fleet, 197 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,920 - which in Spanish is...? - Armada? - Armada, yes. 198 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,760 I'm genuinely still reeling from the fact that's in my head. 199 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,240 It's really great when that happens, isn't it? 200 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,440 No, it's odd. Makes me feel weird. 201 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,400 And so she thought, to raise money, she'd try and get 202 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,560 those who could afford it to buy lottery tickets 203 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:49,920 and the prize would be enormous. 204 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:52,160 And the money raised would be enormous. 205 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,840 Now, what do you think the average wage was per year? 206 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,320 - It can't have been much, can it? - No, it wasn't much. 207 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:02,200 - The average annual income in 1600 was about £9. - Oh. 208 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,440 So tickets were 50 pence, we'd call it now - ten shillings each. 209 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,840 - That's a lot. - Which is about three week's wages. - Yeah. 210 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,640 So only the rich would be able to. 211 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,200 Only the rich would be able to. The prize on there was £5,000. 212 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,280 £5,000 then, which is millions today. 213 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,640 - You could buy America. - You could buy a huge estate. 214 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:20,200 Plus, it was paid partly in cash, but also in gold and silver 215 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:24,400 and fine tapestry and fabrics, and something really extraordinary 216 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:28,520 to encourage sales. And this later cropped up in one of the most 217 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:32,000 popular games in our culture, as something that you could tuck away 218 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,920 under the board of the game, for future use. 219 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,800 Monopoly, a "get out of jail free" card. 220 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,800 You got a "get out of jail free" card. 221 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,400 For anything except murder, serious felonies, treason... 222 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:43,880 And parking. 223 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:47,560 - LAUGHTER - Yeah. Parking your horse, obviously that was not allowed. 224 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:51,120 Or piracy, that was one thing. But everything else was. 225 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,840 Very good, wasn't it? 226 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,520 - That would sell tickets now, wouldn't it? - Brilliant idea. 227 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,800 - I learnt about the Mary Rose. Do you want to know about the Mary Rose? - Tell me. 228 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,320 The Mary Rose sank because they didn't close 229 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,640 - the cannon portholes. - Oh, my goodness! 230 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,800 They let off a broadside, and it tipped back 231 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:09,080 - and the water all went in. - Every... - 500 men on board. 232 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:12,240 And they drowned because they'd put the netting across the deck 233 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,800 to prevent people boarding the boat 234 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,160 - and they were unable to get off. - They couldn't get out. 235 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,480 And I have to say, the Mary Rose Museum in Portsmouth is 236 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,400 one of the single best museums I've ever been, it's only just opened. 237 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,320 And there was some controversy about it 238 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,800 because they were able to resurrect skeletons 239 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,840 and using forensic artists show us pictures of what they actually 240 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,720 looked like - you can stand and look the cook in the face... 241 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,120 It is the most astonishing thing. And see all his things. 242 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,480 And what I love is that even though they were going to war 243 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,600 and they were fighting and so on, they had violins 244 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,760 and they had chessboards and dice and they wanted to play games. 245 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:47,280 I love the fact that they must have been having a laugh 246 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:50,000 and enjoying themselves, apart from it was such a tragic end. 247 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:54,080 But it's the most amazing time capsule of that period, 248 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,920 because the ship sank with everything there. 249 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,760 - It is an amazing thing. - Well, I'm going to go. 250 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,400 Well worth a visit, I think. 251 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,240 Exactly, let's go to Portsmouth. 252 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:07,000 Very good, thank you so much. Brilliant. 253 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:08,520 APPLAUSE 254 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,920 So, the good cause in the first national lottery 255 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,360 was beating up the Spanish. 256 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:16,720 What do newsagents sell that makes people suddenly want to vote Tory? 257 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,160 Is it going to be the Daily Mail? 258 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,560 KLAXON 259 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,360 APPLAUSE 260 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:31,880 Makes me want to vote Communist, but there you go. 261 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,960 Will you get one for the Daily Telegraph as well? 262 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:37,120 - You probably might... - KLAXON 263 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,960 He's clawing his way back to victory. 264 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:44,080 No, this is a very odd thing - well, newsagents sell them. 265 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,280 What about The Sun? 266 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,280 KLAXON 267 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,440 You're on fire! 268 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:54,200 This is not a newspaper, I will now say, but it's something newsagents sell. 269 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,840 They sell something that makes you want to vote Conservative? 270 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,520 Well, it does if things turn out well 271 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,560 after you've bought this particular item. 272 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:04,200 - OK. - So we're really back to the last question. - Is it a lottery ticket? 273 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,720 It's a lottery ticket. If you win the lottery, 274 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,880 many Labour voters who've won the lottery 275 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,320 said that they had changed their mind and were now Tory voters. 276 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:17,680 - So... - What a depressing comment on humanity that is. - It is a bit. 277 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:20,760 Perhaps even more depressing is that the American therapists 278 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:25,160 have a name for the syndrome, which is Sudden Wealth Syndrome, 279 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:28,880 which is presumably what they suffer from whenever they name a syndrome, 280 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:31,080 if they make money by deciding you have a syndrome. 281 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,920 But that's a really boring name for it, though. 282 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,400 You'd think so. But these are the same people who said 283 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,800 if you lose someone you love, they die, and you are still... 284 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,240 ALAN SNEEZES SPECTACULARLY 285 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,560 - DANNY: Whoa! - Wow! 286 00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:46,680 - Wow, that was huge! - That was so impressive. 287 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:50,080 - JEREMY: Alan's exploded. - That was enormous. - The day had to happen. 288 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:53,920 - That was an explosion. - That was extraordinary. - Are you all right? 289 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,800 There are people in California now 290 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:58,840 looking at their seismographs, going, "Jesus Christ!" 291 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:02,160 - DANNY: What a thing! - JEREMY: "What was that?" 292 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:05,240 Is that because I said the word "die?" Will you do it again? 293 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,640 So sorry for interrupting you. 294 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:11,000 It's fine, it's just it was a revolting thing about psychologists 295 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:15,320 who have said if someone you love dies and you're still inconsolable with grief six months later, 296 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,680 that is a mental condition, it's not healthy. 297 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,720 And what's that called? Six Months Later Dead Person Syndrome? 298 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:24,400 It's called grieving. It is perfectly reasonable, in fact, yeah. 299 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:27,680 A syndrome I read of - you know when you come out of the pictures and you sneeze, 300 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,000 - when you go from a dark thing or look at the sun? - Yes. 301 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,360 It's got a real fancy name now. 302 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:36,160 I've never sneezed when walking from the dark. Is that normal, am I...? 303 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,600 It's because you don't suffer from it. Don't mock people who do. LAUGHTER 304 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,480 Presumably you don't go to matinees. 305 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,440 - You go to evening performances. - Yeah. 306 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,920 So he comes out and it's dark. But it's from the dark into the light. 307 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,720 Yeah, it's a syndrome. It's a real syndrome. 308 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:51,200 We've got the name in front of me, 309 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,800 my Elves have been busily hacking away. It's called 310 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:57,480 Autosomal Dominant Compelling Helio-Ophthalmic Outburst. 311 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,360 There you go. Look at that. 312 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,000 - JEREMY: I want to have him round for dinner. - So, there we are. 313 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,440 APPLAUSE 314 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:08,880 For short, it's called ACHOO Syndrome. 315 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,040 LAUGHTER 316 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,640 We're still with lotteries. This is more astonishing. 317 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:15,320 I mean, what a coincidence. 318 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:19,320 In 2001, guess who won the Zimbabwe Banking Corporation's jackpot? 319 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,080 No! Mugabe. 320 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:22,200 It was Robert Mugabe! 321 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:27,080 What are the odds against that? I mean... 322 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,440 - Wow, lucky man. - Yeah. Lucky, lucky, lucky. 323 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:32,760 Anyway, less fortunate was Clarence "Inaction" Jackson. 324 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,000 The name tells it all. 325 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:39,240 He won, in 1995, 5.8 million on the Connecticut lottery. 326 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:42,680 - Didn't get it? - Failed to turn up. - Didn't pick it up? 327 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:47,680 The collect-by date passed, and they wouldn't pay out. He tried to sue and he lost. Very sad. 328 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:52,360 A woman in 1980 called Maureen chose the correct winning numbers for both Massachusetts and Rhode Island. 329 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,520 - Unfortunately, she... - She was burned as a witch. 330 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:59,320 No, she played the Massachusetts numbers in Rhode Island... 331 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:01,200 ALL GROAN 332 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,560 No! The odds against that are 30 trillion to one. 333 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,160 Well, quite. Anyway, yes, 334 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:10,080 lottery winners tend to turn right after collecting their winnings. 335 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,720 What's the most disgusting thing 336 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,720 a Liberal-Tory coalition has ever done? 337 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:18,600 I think you've got the photo right there! 338 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:19,960 LAUGHTER 339 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,000 - So much choice. - Mmm. 340 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,360 I'm going to guess it's NOT this Liberal... 341 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,400 It's not, it's the Liberal Party rather than 342 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:29,240 the Liberal Democratic Party, which is the Lib Dems. 343 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,400 Is it Whiggery...? 344 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:34,400 It's later than that. 100 years later, roughly. 1890s, in fact. 345 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,520 Is it something to do with sewers? 346 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:39,640 It's in your favourite city, Birmingham. It's not sewers... 347 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,640 Is it something to do with Thomas Crapper? 348 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:45,080 No, it's not a spend a penny answer. 349 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,680 - It's eating something, in public. - In Birmingham? 350 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,520 A liberal person ate something in Birmingham in the 1850s. 351 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,760 - A group of liberal people. - It's getting closer and closer. 352 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,400 - Dog shit. - It was a scandal that rocked the nation. 353 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,240 - It wasn't dog SHIT, it was... - A dog. 354 00:16:58,240 --> 00:16:59,880 - A dog. - Oh! - They ate a dog. 355 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:03,040 Not only that, they celebrated their victory... 356 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,080 LAUGHTER 357 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,080 - That was not a real headline. - No... 358 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,120 LAUGHTER 359 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:14,000 We did mock that one up, I grant you. 360 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,440 But the top bit is correct - "Birmingham Gazette, 361 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,560 "largest sale with one exception of any provincial morning newspaper." 362 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:20,960 I love the "with one exception" - 363 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,000 "I'll grant you that, there is one exception." 364 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,240 Why don't they just put "second-largest"?! 365 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:29,480 So they ate this dog - not only that, they roasted it 366 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,640 and portions of the dog's limbs were used to create fun 367 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,840 by some of the men rubbing them over the faces of their companions. 368 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,800 But a few days later, the Birmingham Gazette 369 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,880 was scooped by the Birmingham Post - still going, I think - 370 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,640 which revealed that one of the men involved was a Tory, 371 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:45,680 so in fact it was a coalition disgrace. 372 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:49,760 - Why did they do this? - To celebrate - they were obviously drunk, I suspect. 373 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,800 Yeah, but there's drunk, and there's... 374 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:55,240 There's really unpleasant. 375 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,800 I've been drunk many, many times, 376 00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:00,760 - and I've never looked at my dogs... - Or your neighbours' dogs. 377 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,120 You've had a kebab. 378 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,120 GROANING 379 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:09,480 Did you know that how disgusted you feel about something, like eating a dog, 380 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,320 will reflect on your political inclinations? 381 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,960 So conservative people are more likely 382 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,800 to feel repulsed by things than liberals. 383 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,880 And it's something to do with your physical reaction to something, 384 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,400 so it tells you something about what political persuasion you are. 385 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,880 That's how I know I'm so liberal. 386 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,840 Cos I'll eat anything. 387 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,640 - I've never eaten a dog, though, that's very odd. - No. 388 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,320 Well, like most meat-eaters they're not very tasty. 389 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:37,480 Well, you shouldn't eat anything that's more than two from the sun, 390 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:41,040 - and a dog eats meat... - Exactly. Meat-eaters are not good. I mean, 391 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,280 those who do eat meat, eat vegetarians - 392 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:44,760 we eat cows, and sheep... 393 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,280 You're a vegetarian, aren't you? 394 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,880 - I eat fish. - Mmm... I could still eat you. 395 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,240 LAUGHTER 396 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,000 Technically I could eat you. 397 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,480 - I'd leave the hair. - I think we'd have to have a vote. 398 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,080 This next question is even more incomprehensible than usual, 399 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,720 so I thought I'd spice things up by getting you all to wear hats. 400 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,440 Could you pass that to Jeremy? 401 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:09,160 And you can have that. And yours, you'll notice, says "Leader". 402 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,000 And you can have the fez. 403 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,760 I have the largest head in the world. 404 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,080 - And you can have a nice straw boater. - LAUGHTER 405 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:22,000 - It's extraordinary. You do have a large head. - Enormous head. 406 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,840 DANNY: Elmer Fudd! 407 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:29,720 I saw Bob Dylan in concert at the O2 Arena, 408 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:33,960 and he didn't have screens on, you can't... He's this size. 409 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:37,560 And he wore a ten-gallon hat for the whole thing, and he never spoke. 410 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,560 So it could have been anyone. 411 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:40,600 LAUGHTER 412 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,280 Right, OK, here we go with this question. 413 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,760 What do Amy Freeze and Larry Sprinkle 414 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:51,200 have in common with D Weedon and AJ Splatt? 415 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,560 Is this some dark part of the internet? 416 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,400 It's a real thing, it's not a dark part of the internet, 417 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,680 it's a joyous part of real life and... 418 00:19:58,680 --> 00:19:59,800 They're real people? 419 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:04,600 Weedon and Splatt are both Australian urologists. 420 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,040 Ah. 421 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,840 In other words they cover splatting and being weed on. 422 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,520 Well, not necessarily being weed on - weeing, sorry. 423 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:16,440 And Amy Freeze and Larry Sprinkle are American...? 424 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,760 - Chefs. - Antifreeze manufacturers. - Ice cream. 425 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,920 - JEREMY: Garden sprinkler manufacturers. - Weather forecasters. 426 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,680 So it freezes, you get a sprinkle of rain. 427 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,080 - I don't believe that's their real names. - It really is. 428 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,840 Now, what is the name for people having jobs 429 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:31,680 that come after their names? So, if you were a baker, say... 430 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,360 Yes, exactly. I don't know the... I don't know the term. 431 00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:36,240 JEREMY: My dad was a clerk. 432 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,520 - Exactly, that would do it. - Yeah. - It's called nominative determinism. 433 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,800 It's called nominative or onomastic determinism, 434 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,120 because you're determined by your name. 435 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:45,880 But I've always been interested by this, 436 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,800 because there was a family many years ago 437 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,680 and they were called the Gauntletts. 438 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:52,040 And they christened their son Victor. 439 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:53,840 I knew Victor, he ran Aston Martin. 440 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,880 Exactly. He was destined to run Aston Martin, 441 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,960 simply because his parents had christened him Victor. 442 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,280 If they'd called him Stan, he would have been a plumber. 443 00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:05,360 You see it all the time, 444 00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:09,040 where somebody called Fotherington Major Fortescue 445 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,080 has always got a sandwich shop in Fulham. 446 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:17,120 Whereas somebody called Ron Twatt is a builder from somewhere. 447 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:20,160 - Very simple names tend to... - Yeah. 448 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,240 - I know Ron Twatt. - Do you? 449 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:24,480 Bloody good builder. 450 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:27,400 Surely Ron Twatt should be a gynaecologist? 451 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:28,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 452 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:37,360 - Ron Twatt. - Denis Norden and Frank Muir, 453 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,960 when they were writing their scripts, they used to get bored, 454 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,840 and come up with improbable TV shows. 455 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,920 And the best one was "By day, she dispensed justice 456 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,400 "on the streets of LA. By night, she was queen of the music halls. 457 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:51,560 "Join us at 8:00, for Tara Raboom, DA." 458 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,880 LAUGHTER 459 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:57,200 Ta-ra-ra boom-di-ay! Oh, that's brilliant. 460 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,600 - I love it. - That was my favourite one of those. 461 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,400 Well, some examples you might know - 462 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:04,720 they're called aptronyms as well, because they are apt-onyms. 463 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,000 - Mark Avery, where would he work? - In an aviary. 464 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,640 Well, no, that's a bit too specific. 465 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,800 - In a zoo. - Birds, something to do with birds. 466 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,920 He's of the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, yes. Very good. 467 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,040 The poet Wordsworth, when you think about it, 468 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,000 he went to Cambridge to read mathematics, 469 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,400 and he probably thought, "Well, I'm called Wordsworth, words, words." 470 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,240 Stephen, why am I wearing this hat? 471 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:25,080 You'll see. You're the leader, 472 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:27,440 you've got to have a way of indicating your leadership. 473 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:28,880 And you're the leader. 474 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,880 I did a programme years ago sailing around Britain with John McCarthy, 475 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:33,920 and we had to go and be fitted for life jackets 476 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,440 at Crew Saver Life Jackets, and they were fitted, 477 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,240 and I promise you, I've still got his card, 478 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:39,760 by a man called Will Drown. 479 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,720 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 480 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,160 You see, it's just fantastic. It's just bliss when that happens. 481 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,800 Well, you've rather beaten mine, my rather sorry lot left. 482 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:56,920 I mean, Danone UK, the managing director is called Bruno Fromage. 483 00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,600 You probably remember the former Lord Chief Justice was... 484 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:00,720 - Lord Judge. - Lord Judge. 485 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,960 That really is pretty straightforward, isn't it? 486 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,560 - What is Fry, darling? What is it...? - The Frys? 487 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:09,360 Bristol chaps, and chapesses, a very famous chapess. 488 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:13,440 She was on our £5 note until very recently - Elizabeth Fry. 489 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,560 And she was a Gurney and the Frys were Frys 490 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,520 and they were both Quaker families, as many of the chocolatiers were. 491 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,280 Were you plagued at school by people saying "Turkish Delight"? 492 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:24,800 Of course. "Fry's Turkish Delight, keeps you up in the night." 493 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,240 LAUGHTER 494 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,640 - No, it doesn't. - Happy days. - It's a pleasant comestible. 495 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:31,120 Try, "Dan, Dan, the lavatory man, washed his hair with 496 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:34,360 "a frying pan, combed his hair with the leg of a chair, Dan, Dan..." 497 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:37,440 And Danny Boy. There's certain songs that do curse you through your life 498 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:39,280 if you have a certain name. 499 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,040 I just got, "What sort of a fucking name is Jeremy?" 500 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:43,080 LAUGHTER 501 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:45,440 APPLAUSE 502 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:51,880 Just a couple of nominative determinism facts. 503 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,600 One is this fellow called Robert Lane, who was a New Yorker, who, 504 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:58,160 for various reasons, decided to give his sixth child the name Winner 505 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:01,760 and his seventh and last child, rather unkindly, Loser. 506 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,200 Something of an extraordinary experiment, 507 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,320 but it at least reversed the effect you might expect 508 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,000 and Loser Lane, known as Lou, 509 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,520 went on to become a pillar of the NYPD and... 510 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,080 probably arresting his older brother, Winner, 511 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:18,000 who was arrested for burglary more than 30 times. 512 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:19,640 So it didn't work at all. 513 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:23,520 Now, if I told you that two of our biggest fans are called Joyce Baker 514 00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:27,280 and Amanda Pastry, what do you think you might have handed out to you? 515 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,200 - Is it cake? - Well, it's not cake, actually, it's biscuits. 516 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:32,320 So you can help yourself. You have to eat them all. 517 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:35,400 Well, it's nice, but mildly disappointing. 518 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,280 Yeah, you've got to eat them. 519 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:40,080 - This is all part of the experiment. - Do we have to eat them? - Yeah. 520 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,400 The third one has to go, and Alan's taken the third one, 521 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,120 - and that's the important thing. - What? 522 00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:45,760 Because it's got the word leader... 523 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,600 This happens in experiment after experiment with human beings, 524 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,320 if you tell someone they're the leader, 525 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,800 and you give them three of something, an odd number, 526 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,600 with an even number of people, the leader always takes. 527 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:59,640 Well, it's a bit like, my father once went out for tea with somebody 528 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:04,160 and two cakes were delivered - one was very small, one was very large. 529 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:06,960 And the chap just leant over and took the large one. 530 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,160 And my dad said, "If that had been me and I went first, 531 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,920 "I would have taken the smaller one." And he said, 532 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:15,000 "Well, you've got it anyway, so what are you complaining about?" 533 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,040 - That's so logical. - It is. - That's brilliant. 534 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,120 But I think boys and girls have a very different way of doing this. 535 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:23,040 I was once at a party and they were handing out things on this slate, 536 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,240 they seem to do nowadays, with canapes, don't they? 537 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,680 And there were two small canapes on this piece of slate, 538 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:29,080 and there were three of us. 539 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:31,720 And all three of us went, "No, that's very kind, thank you," 540 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:34,240 and as we were saying it, a man walked past, 541 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:37,280 picked up one canape, put it on top of the other and ate them both. 542 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:39,880 Excellent. 543 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,440 So he ate the other one not just cos he's Alan Davies... 544 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:43,840 But because he's got "leader" 545 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:46,360 and he felt like somehow it was just put into his brain 546 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:48,280 that he was the leader and he would have that. 547 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,040 - It's not behavioural... - Sorry, Jeremy. 548 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:51,400 Behavioural science is... 549 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,840 I was looking forward to that biscuit. 550 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:54,960 Hand in your plates. 551 00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:58,160 It doesn't help that I forgot I'd got "leader" on my hat. 552 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:02,040 - Oh, you forgot you were the leader, that really doesn't help. - Yes, no. 553 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,200 I'll eat those as well, if you like. 554 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:07,720 Right, so, skimming on. 555 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:11,080 What did lucky old Edward VII use this for? 556 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:12,120 Oh, I say! 557 00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:15,520 - I say lucky, I mean, it's an extraordinary contrivance. - Oh, God! 558 00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:17,280 What do we know about it this? 559 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:19,000 - Ah, ah. - No, quite wrong. 560 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:20,800 He didn't poo on yellow silk. 561 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:25,360 - You thought it lifted up into a commode. - A commode, yes. 562 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:27,600 - Is it sexual, some kind of...? - It was sexual, yeah. 563 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,520 It's sexual and I'm not going to say it on television, frankly, 564 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,800 - I'll just be in trouble. - Well, no, you won't. I mean, it's... 565 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,240 - Well, I will a bit. - Yeah. 566 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:37,480 For what I've got in mind, if I said that... 567 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:38,680 LAUGHTER 568 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,200 I'll accept that then. 569 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:47,000 I guess a young lady sits on the top bit and he's not... 570 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:48,520 He's elsewhere. 571 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:50,720 Well, this is what we find hard to work out. 572 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:53,800 The Chabanais was a maison de passe in Paris - a brothel, 573 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,640 as we would say - and he had this constructed for him, 574 00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,840 it was called the siege d'amour, the seat of love. 575 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:03,040 And the idea was that he could service, pleasure, 576 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:08,080 - have his way with two prostitutes at the same time. - Oh. 577 00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:11,040 How this worked I'm not quite... I say at the same time, I mean that... 578 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:12,400 With his extra penis. 579 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:14,920 It does make you worry. 580 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,120 The King's penis. 581 00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:19,400 - Behold. - Two birthdays, two penises. 582 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:21,840 It's got stirrups at the top, so there's clearly... 583 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,400 It has got stirrups. Her legs could go, or his... 584 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:26,920 Is this why Queen Victoria didn't talk to him? 585 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:29,840 - I think it might well be. - "What have you got there now, dear?" 586 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:32,880 "Ah, Your Majesty." 587 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:35,720 Dirty Bertie, as he was known, quite rightly. His name was Bertie. 588 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,240 Do you know that wonderful story, 589 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,880 - he had a long-standing affair with Lillie Langtry? - Yes. 590 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:41,240 Probably it's not true at all, 591 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:44,120 but it is said that he was very cross with her one day 592 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:47,040 and he said, "I've spent enough on you to build a battleship." 593 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,640 And she said "You've spent enough in me to float one." 594 00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:51,680 LAUGHTER AND GROANS 595 00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:55,720 So, what did the Ancient Greeks use this for? 596 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:02,520 - Yes, go on. - Is it that this? 597 00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:04,040 Ah, no, it isn't. 598 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,920 You're not seeing all of it, which is rather unfair of us. 599 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,680 You just seeing the head. It then goes on quite a long way down. 600 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:12,320 - Is it sexual as well? - Something protrudes. - Is it sexual? 601 00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:15,360 - It is, isn't it? - Is it? - There you are. - There you go. 602 00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:19,040 - Oh. - Well, you can't... - Well, it doesn't look like much fun. 603 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:20,720 He got his bollock shut in the lift. 604 00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:21,960 LAUGHTER 605 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,720 There are very few left in good condition, I have to say. 606 00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:27,520 Well, somebody's pulled that one's arms off. 607 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:29,360 LAUGHTER 608 00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:31,160 APPLAUSE 609 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:32,920 It's the only way he'll learn. 610 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:40,600 The only way he'll learn not to play with himself. 611 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:44,440 These were called herms, as in Hermes the god, 612 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:47,400 and these were little pillars - or large pillars in some cases - 613 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,000 with a phallus on them and they were rubbed in oil 614 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:52,440 and then, as you passed one, you'd give it a good fondle... 615 00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,920 There you are, another one there. ..to give you good luck. 616 00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:56,840 - And where is it from, darling? - Greece. 617 00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:58,840 The great period of Greece, if you like. 618 00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:01,080 In fact, during the Peloponnesian War 619 00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:03,360 in about 415 BC there was a terrible incident 620 00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:05,280 known as The Mutilation of the Herms 621 00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:07,800 when they were at war with Sparta, the Athenians, 622 00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,120 and every single penis had been hacked off. 623 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:12,920 And they blamed this on the disastrous expedition to 624 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:15,520 - Sicily a little later. - Well, it changes... 625 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,160 That period of history, the discovery that the penis 626 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:21,280 has anything to do with reproduction changes everything. 627 00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:25,240 There's no natural reason to suppose that the predisposition to 628 00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:28,440 pop it in a snug hole somewhere, which is what all humans 629 00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:30,840 and animals...we can observe animals doing, 630 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:33,320 and humans have the same predisposition, the idea that, 631 00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:36,280 nine months later, the thing that pops out of you is connected to it 632 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:37,480 is not a rational one at all. 633 00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:39,440 Until the Greeks, nobody had worked that out? 634 00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:42,400 Plenty of cultures hadn't worked it out at all until they were told. 635 00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:44,760 In fact, you get mostly godless cultures prior to that 636 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:46,000 where the woman is revered 637 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:48,200 cos she's the one who is producing the new child 638 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:52,120 and the men suddenly go, "Oh, it's something to do with me!" 639 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:53,840 And that ruined the world, actually. 640 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:55,000 LAUGHTER 641 00:29:57,360 --> 00:29:58,520 Very good. 642 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:02,120 Now, what's the worst thing you can do with a gympie-gympie? 643 00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:05,200 Gympie-gympie? 644 00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:06,920 Remove her leaf? 645 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,720 Well, that would... Yeah, she would be upset. 646 00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:11,280 It's wipe your bottom. 647 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:14,040 You've missed your Spend A Penny chance. 648 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:16,640 Does it make it poisonous or do something dreadful to you? 649 00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:17,840 I think poison is... 650 00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:20,160 It's kind of poison, but it's sort of worse than that. 651 00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:22,240 Is it full of bugs that crawl up your bum? 652 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:26,440 Imagine a stinging nettle turned up to the absolutely unbearable max. 653 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:28,480 Why would you wipe your bottom with it? 654 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:31,040 Well, because it looks a bit like a leaf that would be safe to. 655 00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:33,720 - Oh, a dock leaf type thing. - Yeah, a dock-leafy sort of thing. 656 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:34,760 It's from Queensland 657 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:37,200 and it has one of the most vicious stings in nature. 658 00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:40,240 A brush against it feels apparently like being burnt with hot acid 659 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,600 and electrocuted at the same time. 660 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,640 According to one account, a soldier in the bush 661 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:47,640 in the Second World War was caught short and picked the wrong leaf 662 00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:50,560 - and found himself in so much pain that he shot himself. - No! 663 00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:51,880 - AUDIENCE GASPS - Exactly. 664 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,080 That is a serious... I mean, just the agony of it. 665 00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:57,920 One of the first mentions is from 1866, a surveyor reported 666 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:01,280 that his pack horse was stung, got mad and died within two hours. 667 00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:04,640 Les Moore, a scientific officer with the Queensland government, was stung 668 00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:08,840 across the face, ended up looking like Mr Potato Head, apparently. 669 00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:10,800 I still think it can't be as bad 670 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:13,280 as the toilet paper we had at boarding school. 671 00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:15,520 I know what you mean. Izal and Bronco. 672 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:18,040 I used to write home to my mother on it, airmail letters, 673 00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:19,360 that's how bad it was. 674 00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:21,680 - Yes, it was crispy tissue. - Is that that shiny stuff? 675 00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:24,240 Nothing would stick to it, it was like grease paper. 676 00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:27,600 You'd think, "I've definitely had a poo, but there's no evidence." 677 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:29,840 LAUGHTER 678 00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:33,120 It wouldn't come off on it. It seemed to serve no purpose. 679 00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:34,360 Shall we move along? 680 00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:36,480 Yes. Let's do that. 681 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:38,920 So, it was the Spend A Penny round after all. 682 00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:41,840 If you're caught short in the bush, don't use a gympie-gympie, 683 00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:43,400 you might end up shooting yourself. 684 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:45,560 Now, which football team is the worst in the world 685 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:47,000 at losing major trophies? 686 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:48,600 The worst in the world, 687 00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:51,280 so it's a team that presumably has never won a game. 688 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:53,720 - It's not that. They've won quite a lot of games. - Oh. 689 00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:55,720 They've even won trophies. 690 00:31:55,720 --> 00:31:58,600 - Have they had the trophies stolen? - But then they've lost them. 691 00:31:58,600 --> 00:31:59,720 They've lost them. 692 00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:01,480 - Aston Villa? - Very good. 693 00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:02,560 Well, there you go. 694 00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:04,480 JEREMY: We're back in Birmingham again now 695 00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:06,840 and you're being rude, aren't you? By knowing so much. 696 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:08,040 How do you know that? 697 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:10,360 He does a sports programme, he's a football lover. 698 00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:11,720 - Yeah. - Ah. I must listen. 699 00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:18,080 But in the 1964 FA Cup Final, 700 00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:19,480 which was won by...? 701 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:20,520 West Ham. 702 00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:23,440 Yes, you can see Bobby Moore there. Who was their manager? 703 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:27,080 At that point? Er, 1964... 704 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:29,280 Would have been, not Ron.... 705 00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:31,800 - It was Ron. - It was? - Ron Greenwood, yeah. 706 00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:34,480 He took it home by Tube, discreetly covering it... 707 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:36,600 LAUGHTER 708 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:38,080 ..wrapped in a cloth. 709 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:40,000 That lady, she's got her eye on it. 710 00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:43,840 I was talking to Jackie Charlton once. 711 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:47,120 The centre-half for England when they won the World Cup in 1966. 712 00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,240 His brother, Bobby, of course. 713 00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:52,280 And Jack Charlton said that after the World Cup final, he said, 714 00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:54,280 "Myself and Alan Ball and a few of the lads, 715 00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:56,000 "we headed to the Talk Of The Town," 716 00:32:56,000 --> 00:33:01,040 and he said, "I woke up in a couple's house in Dagenham who I've never seen 717 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:05,400 "before or since, and the first thing I did was get my jacket and go... 718 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:08,160 "Cos I still had the World Cup winners' medal in my pocket. 719 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:11,880 "We made a few excuses and went." So it's not unusual in that period. 720 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:13,600 I love the fact Bobby Charlton 721 00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:16,200 used to have a cigarette at half-time in every match. 722 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:19,840 There's a wonderful ladies football team called the Dick Kerr Ladies 723 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:22,120 and the Dick Kerr Ladies existed for years and years. 724 00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:25,080 During the Second World War, they were the most popular football team 725 00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:27,000 and there was a woman who used to play for them 726 00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:29,360 who smoked Woodbines while playing. 727 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:30,920 LAUGHTER 728 00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:33,800 Well, Ron Greenwood had good reason to be worried, 729 00:33:33,800 --> 00:33:34,840 and that's the point. 730 00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:37,160 Football trophies do have a history of going missing, 731 00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:39,880 and Aston Villa seem to have been more to blame than anyone else. 732 00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:43,720 In 1895, their FA Cup was stolen from the window of a sports shop 733 00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:49,440 in Birmingham and, 63 years later, a man called Harry Burge 734 00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:52,320 confessed that he had been the man who had stolen it, 735 00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:56,320 - and he had melted it down and made counterfeit half-crown coins. - Wow! 736 00:33:56,320 --> 00:33:58,880 The second major trophy to have been mislaid by Aston Villa 737 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:02,360 - was the European Cup in... What year did they...? - 1981. 738 00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,520 Yes, they mislaid it in '82. Two members of the... 739 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:07,440 - 1982. - It would have been, yes. 740 00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:08,880 Two members of the team decided 741 00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:11,240 to take the cup to a darts match, where it disappeared. 742 00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:13,840 And many years later a man called Adrian Reed 743 00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:15,440 was identified as the culprit. 744 00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:17,000 He took it to a local police station. 745 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:18,360 But it didn't end there, 746 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:20,920 cos the police decided to have a football match for it. 747 00:34:20,920 --> 00:34:22,920 So they kept it, so that they could brag 748 00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:25,040 about being the European Cup winners. 749 00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:29,200 And the FA Cup gets damaged so much every year 750 00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:31,680 that it has to get repaired every single year 751 00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:33,760 because it gets bashed about in the bath. 752 00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:37,720 - I love they've got a pot of tea by the bath. - Yes. 753 00:34:37,720 --> 00:34:40,480 A bottle of milk. A bottle of milk is very nice. 754 00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:43,520 You always used to see them. Quite often you'd see them drinking milk. 755 00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:45,960 It must have been this early sponsorship thing. 756 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:49,560 But always after the FA Cup... I just remembered this now. 757 00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:53,440 In the post-match interviews, they'd be standing holding a pint of milk. 758 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:57,000 - The last thing you want. - Probably sponsored by the Milk Board. 759 00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:58,600 The Milk Marketing Board. 760 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,680 So Aston Villa may not have a great record of winning trophies, 761 00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:04,240 but they have a rather impressive record of losing them. 762 00:35:04,240 --> 00:35:05,320 Speaking of losers, 763 00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:07,640 it's time for the lucky dip that is General Ignorance. 764 00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:09,200 Fingers on buzzers, please. 765 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:12,120 And don't forget that tonight the lowest scorer will be the winner. 766 00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:14,000 Which day is added to a leap year? 767 00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:17,360 Yeah? 768 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:18,840 February 29th. 769 00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:21,320 Yeah, well done, absolutely. No, it isn't. 770 00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:23,920 Right, well, it is. 771 00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:28,760 I'm standing my ground on this one. 772 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:31,440 They squeeze into the middle of February 773 00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:34,480 and add an extra 24th, so the 24th becomes the 25th, 774 00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:36,600 25th becomes 26th, 26th becomes 27th, 775 00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:39,640 27th becomes 28th, 28th becomes 29th. 776 00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:40,920 The reason for that is that 777 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:43,160 the Roman calendar was divided into three. 778 00:35:43,160 --> 00:35:45,560 The Kalends, the Nones and the Ides. 779 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:48,400 And when it came to discovering, which they did, 780 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:54,280 that a year was actually not 365 days but 365 days and a quarter, 781 00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:58,560 they added it into one of those calendar series. 782 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:01,680 Now you may say this is just ridiculous, they added 29, 783 00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:05,440 but they didn't, and in fact the proof of this is that in Denmark, 784 00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:09,400 the day on which a woman is allowed to propose to a man 785 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:12,120 is the 24th of February, not the 29th. 786 00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:13,760 That's the reason. Yeah. 787 00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:16,960 There's an extra day in the middle of February that, apart from Denmark, 788 00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:18,240 nobody else has noticed it. 789 00:36:18,240 --> 00:36:20,440 Well, the Catholic church did until the '70s, 790 00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:21,640 it was St Matthias's Day. 791 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:25,480 - So vicars were going, "Ah, it's the secret day today." - Yeah. 792 00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:27,440 St Matthias's day was the 24th February, 793 00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:29,080 but on leap years it was the 25th. 794 00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:30,360 I was with you, Alan, really. 795 00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:32,800 - But it's good, because he got his extra points. - He did. 796 00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:36,280 - Yeah, you see, don't forget that. - Lucky bastard, as it turns out. 797 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:39,680 So the day you add for a leap year is actually February 24th. 798 00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:42,480 In which year did World War II begin? 799 00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:44,960 - Oh, yes? - 1939. 800 00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:46,720 Well now, there, well done. 801 00:36:46,720 --> 00:36:48,480 Coming up on the rails. 802 00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:50,840 Yes, absolutely. Overuse of the whip. 803 00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:52,760 I just wanted to make sure it's working. 804 00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:54,840 Yes, you're still winning. Yeah? 805 00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:56,680 - '39? - He just said that. - I know. 806 00:36:56,680 --> 00:36:57,920 It doesn't work twice. 807 00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:00,800 I was just waiting to hear why it wasn't 1939. 808 00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:03,320 Well, that's a very Anglo-Franco point of view. 809 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:07,040 Certainly it's when the British and the French joined the war, 810 00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:10,320 but before then the Germans had been at war with other countries 811 00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:12,640 and the Chinese had been at war with the Japanese. 812 00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:15,000 That was a very global sort of event, it spread out, 813 00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:17,840 and of course there were alliances and other such things. 814 00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:20,720 So you could argue it was '37, you could argue it was '35, 815 00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:23,760 you could say the Spanish Civil War with all the International Brigades 816 00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:26,280 that went in, that was the beginning of the world conflict. 817 00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:28,880 But could it strictly speaking be the WORLD war at that point? 818 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:31,160 - I mean, how many countries does it take? - I don't know. 819 00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:33,560 It certainly is nothing like the entire globe. 820 00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:36,400 - Austria-Hungary is probably not enough. - No. 821 00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:39,360 My father was an MEP along with Otto von Habsburg who, 822 00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:42,120 had things been different, would've had much more power. 823 00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:45,160 My father was watching the football in the common room at the Parliament 824 00:37:45,160 --> 00:37:47,000 and Otto came in and said, "Who's playing?" 825 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:48,640 My father said, "Austria Hungary." 826 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:50,080 He said, "Oh, against whom?" 827 00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:53,200 LAUGHTER 828 00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:55,960 So Britain joined World War II in 1939, yes, 829 00:37:55,960 --> 00:38:01,440 but it had been going on since at least 1937 and arguably since 1935. 830 00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:04,200 Could you beat a T-Rex at arm-wrestling? 831 00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:05,400 Yes, easily. 832 00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:07,760 - KLAXON - Yes, easily. 833 00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:10,960 Well done. Even the word "easily" you got. 834 00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:13,000 LAUGHTER 835 00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:16,800 Either that's the fastest typist in the world or I was bang on. 836 00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:19,360 - A couple of points for both words. - Very good indeed. 837 00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:21,840 No. It may be that, in relation to its body, 838 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:24,720 the T-Rex's arms look rather spindly and puny. 839 00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:26,080 In fact, they are enormous 840 00:38:26,080 --> 00:38:30,120 and powerful they are able to lift the equivalent to about 400 lbs, 841 00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:33,760 whereas the average human being would be about 150 lbs. 842 00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:37,360 - Plus I did once lose an arm-wrestle to Boris Johnson. - Did you? 843 00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:40,320 Lost, can you believe that? I thought he was all blubber. 844 00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:41,800 He is a horse of a man. 845 00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:44,600 - He is, he's Turkish, he's got Turkish blood in him. - Hugely strong. 846 00:38:44,600 --> 00:38:47,040 Low centre of gravity. 847 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:48,520 LAUGHTER 848 00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:51,800 We were in a Turkish bath at the time. 849 00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:54,720 - So, you were in a Turkish bath... - I wasn't in a Turkish bath. 850 00:38:54,720 --> 00:38:57,640 I was just arm-wrestling him over who had vomited most 851 00:38:57,640 --> 00:39:00,280 in an F-15 fighter jet. How manly is that? 852 00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:05,320 Yes, I went in a Jaguar, and Hugh Laurie went in one as well. 853 00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:07,640 And Hugh is the butchest man you've ever met - 854 00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:10,840 he's just extraordinarily athletic, natural athlete. 855 00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:13,880 And we each got on this aeroplane. 856 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:17,040 He looked at me, the squadron leader, as he belted me up 857 00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:19,800 and said, "Hmm, yeah, oh, OK." And I thought, "Of course, 858 00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,520 "I'll be the one who throws up and Hugh would be flying beside 859 00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:24,120 "and look at me and go, 'ha-ha'." 860 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:27,600 Hugh threw up for the entire journey and I was completely fine. 861 00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:29,040 But the bad bit was when we landed 862 00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:30,600 and I said to the squadron leader, 863 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:33,480 "When you were just belting me up and you looked at me and you went, 864 00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:35,560 "Erm, yeah, OK," what was that about? 865 00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:37,400 He said, "Oh, I didn't want to worry you. 866 00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:40,800 "If we had had to use the ejection seat, 867 00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:43,160 "your kneecaps would have stayed behind." 868 00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:45,840 LAUGHTER 869 00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:48,760 - My legs were just... - Exactly the same. - You would have the same. 870 00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:51,400 Exactly the same in a Hawker Hunter. I would have shot out 871 00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:55,760 and the lower half of my legs would have remained in the plane. 872 00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:59,600 It's a bomb underneath you. It's just... Not a chance. Anyway. 873 00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:00,920 God, I was sick. 874 00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:03,240 I was supposed to be dropping a laser-guided bomb 875 00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:05,720 and I had these three screens and you have to... 876 00:40:05,720 --> 00:40:07,880 This was a dream. 877 00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:11,320 I kept vomiting all over the screens and so I missed 878 00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:15,280 not just the target but all of North Carolina with my bomb. 879 00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,880 I have no idea where it landed, to this day. 880 00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:20,120 I was sick a lot into their machinery. 881 00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:23,320 Well, despite having mimsy arms, 882 00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:25,720 Tyrannosaurs were very strong indeed. 883 00:40:25,720 --> 00:40:28,800 What is the length of an Olympic swimming pool? 884 00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:32,240 50 metres. 885 00:40:32,240 --> 00:40:33,720 100 metres. 886 00:40:33,720 --> 00:40:35,120 50 metres, no. 887 00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:38,200 It is counted as 50 metres, but it isn't 50 metres. 888 00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:39,560 It's 50 metres. 889 00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:40,640 LAUGHTER 890 00:40:41,720 --> 00:40:46,240 According to the Federation Internationale Natation - 891 00:40:46,240 --> 00:40:49,200 - de Natation, "of swimming"... - Oh. Those bastards. 892 00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:53,760 Olympic swimming pools are over-sized 893 00:40:53,760 --> 00:40:56,000 by a centimetre at each end. Why? 894 00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:58,680 So you don't bash your ankles when you do that spin-turn thing. 895 00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:02,520 No, it's not that. What do you need in order to have an Olympic race? 896 00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:03,800 A winning tape. 897 00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:06,200 Well, you need a lap counter and you need something that 898 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:09,560 makes sure that the guy has completed the lap, or the girl. 899 00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:14,120 - A sensor. - The sensor pad. In each lane you need one of those. 900 00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:16,680 - Which is a centimetre at each end. - They have to touch it. 901 00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:18,280 What about peeing in the pool? 902 00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:20,880 Is that considered a bad thing by Olympic swimmers? 903 00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:23,400 Oh, it is bad. It's very bad, isn't it? Because... 904 00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:25,000 Pooing is right out, but... 905 00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:30,840 It does something with the chlorine, it mixes with the chlorine. 906 00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:33,160 Well, Olympic swimmers are perfectly happy to do it 907 00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:35,560 - and perfectly happy to admit that they do it. - No! - Ugh! 908 00:41:35,560 --> 00:41:38,080 And Michael Phelps, the greatest Olympian of all time 909 00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:40,920 in terms of his medal haul, old bucket-hands himself... 910 00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:42,440 Old Pissy Phelps. 911 00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:45,000 LAUGHTER 912 00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,320 He says, "Everybody pees in the pool, 913 00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:49,440 "it's kind of a normal thing to do for swimmers. 914 00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:51,160 "When you're in the water for two hours, 915 00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:53,400 "we don't really get out to pee. Chlorine kills it." 916 00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:56,120 - Two hours?! - What two-hour race has he been in? 917 00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:58,000 They do actually practise. 918 00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:01,280 Well, the fact is, an Olympic-sized swimming pool is actually 919 00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:03,200 two centimetres longer than you think. 920 00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:04,800 And full of piss. 921 00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:07,440 And indeed, almost entirely full of urine. 922 00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:10,480 How old do you have to be to go on a Club 18... 923 00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:14,760 Oh, that must mean that we've come to the end of the show. 924 00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:18,200 Let's look at the scores and see who's tonight's lucky loser. 925 00:42:18,200 --> 00:42:20,520 Well, well, well, well, well. 926 00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:23,720 The clear, outright and extraordinary winner, 927 00:42:23,720 --> 00:42:26,120 with an amazing minus 23 928 00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:27,880 is Danny Baker! 929 00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:29,560 Hurray, thank you. 930 00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:31,240 APPLAUSE 931 00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:35,920 Thank you. Thank you. Couldn't be more proud. 932 00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:38,840 In second place, with a very, very impressive minus five, 933 00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:40,200 Jeremy Clarkson. 934 00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:43,600 Is that good or bad? APPLAUSE 935 00:42:44,720 --> 00:42:47,520 The wrong side of the ledger with plus three, Sandi Toksvig. 936 00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:48,840 APPLAUSE 937 00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:56,240 But the joker in a pack of 52 cards, 938 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:59,000 yes, plus 52 for Alan Davies. 939 00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:00,320 APPLAUSE 940 00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:10,960 - The blue whale. - Blue whale. - The blue whale was a very bad, bad call. 941 00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:14,600 That's all from Sandi, Danny, Jeremy, Alan and me. 942 00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:17,680 And I leave you with a last word from actor Edmund Gwenn. 943 00:43:17,680 --> 00:43:20,320 When asked if dying was tough, he said, 944 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:23,640 "Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy." 945 00:43:23,640 --> 00:43:24,840 Good night.