1 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:37,520 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 2 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:41,000 good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI. 3 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,280 Tonight, we look through both telescope and microscope 4 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:48,040 at the Quite Interesting world of Little and Large. 5 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:51,120 Joining us tonight are the gigantic Phill Jupitus... 6 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:55,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,560 ..the massive Richard Osman... 8 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:00,080 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,800 ..the titanic Lucy Porter... 10 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:06,960 ..and - oh, my gosh, 12 00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:10,680 he's so teeny-weeny I could squish him - Alan Davies. 13 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:13,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. 14 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,920 Now, let's go large on your little buzzers. 15 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:20,400 Phill goes... 16 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,320 MUSIC: Big Spender by Shirley Bassey 17 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:23,440 # Hey, big spender 18 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,240 # Spend 19 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:29,480 # A little time with me. # 20 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,960 Big Spender. Richard goes... 21 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:34,160 MUSIC: Big Bad John by Jimmy Dean 22 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,240 # Big John, big John 23 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,040 # Big bad John... # 24 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:41,200 Lucy goes... 25 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:45,560 MUSIC: Big Girls Don't Cry by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons 26 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:49,760 # Big girls don't cry... # 27 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,240 And Alan goes... 28 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:57,360 MUSIC: Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini by Brian Hyland 29 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:03,680 Lovely. Now, during this L series of QI, we have a Spend A Penny joker. 30 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:05,960 SPEND-A-PENNY JINGLE PLAYS 31 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,600 TOILET FLUSHES 32 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:12,800 You should use it if you think one of the answers in today's show 33 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,960 is of a lavatorial bent. 34 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:19,600 So, what's the largest native land animal, hmm, 35 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:23,800 that you'll find all year round on Antarctica? 36 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:29,040 I don't think there are any land animals on Antarctica. 37 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:30,400 Humans? Human beings? 38 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,040 - Oooh! - KLAXON 39 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:34,400 I did say... 40 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,920 The line between clever and stupid is so... It's so thin, isn't it? 41 00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:40,320 I did say "native". Obviously there are humans. 42 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:42,520 - Oh, I beg your pardon. - Yeah, there are natives. 43 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,520 - Is it a penguin, a big penguin? - Oh! 44 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:47,280 KLAXON 45 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,880 I mean... Right, OK. 46 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:53,760 So it's not that, because I made the evil siren go off. 47 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:54,960 Would it be whales? 48 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:56,760 A whale isn't a land animal. 49 00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:01,720 - A seal? - If the water melts really quickly it is. 50 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:04,120 I will give you a clue. You've already said penguin... 51 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:07,160 It's a flightless animal, but it's not a big mammal. 52 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:10,840 Given that it is big and little and large, is it very wee? 53 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:13,760 It is actually very small. Although it's the largest. 54 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,600 Is it krill? 55 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:18,120 - I just like saying "krill." - I like saying "krill" too. 56 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,720 - Is it a mosquito or something like that? - It's an insect. 57 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:23,040 You're in the right direction. It's like a mosquito. 58 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,800 Mosquitoes are like... If you go to Scotland, what do you get? 59 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:28,800 - A ladybird. - Midge. - Midge. - Midge, midge. It's a midge. 60 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:31,760 It's a...bug? A midge? 61 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:35,880 Belgica Antarctica. The Belgian, as you might say, midge. 62 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,160 There it is - it's wingless, flightless, it's a midge 63 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:41,880 and the point is, it's native to Antarctica. 64 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,600 There are all kinds of animals, like humans, like penguins, 65 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,120 that spend a bit of their time in Antarctica. 66 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,080 Penguins only 25% of their time, 67 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,240 75% of their time, they're at sea. 68 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:52,760 They're not a land animal. 69 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,840 "Arr, but we're married to the sea. 70 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:57,880 - "Penguins, we love the life." - They do. 71 00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,600 "Away from our nagging wives 72 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:02,160 "with their beaks and their wings, 73 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,360 "sitting on eggs. Arr!" 74 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,520 There they are. Ah, bless. 75 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:09,520 What is it about them that is so endearing? 76 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:11,160 They're delicious. 77 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:13,520 LAUGHTER 78 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:16,880 Mmm, that's good eatin'. 79 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:19,240 Talking of humans not being native to Antarctica, 80 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:22,680 there's a story the other day about the American scientist who's there, 81 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,600 and he decided to turn Tinder on - 82 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,760 - you know Tinder, the dating app? - Oh, yes? - Oh. 83 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,680 And he got a date with a woman in a tent 45 minutes away, 84 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,160 - who was also a researcher. - You're kidding me! 85 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,880 - That's hilarious! - That would be great if she came up and he went, 86 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,160 "Nah..." 87 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:40,360 Grindr, however - all penguins. 88 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:43,080 But if they were to mate, say, have a child, 89 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,080 raise that child there, suddenly... 90 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:47,760 That child would be endemic or native to Antarctica. 91 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,880 Yeah, and by the time this goes out on Dave, everyone will be like, "What about the..." 92 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:56,120 - Yeah, you're right. - Yeah, what about the Tinder baby? - The midge. 93 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:58,800 They've got wifi, that's the best thing about that. 94 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,920 - Yeah, wifi on Antarctica. - That's good going. 95 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:04,200 - Yeah, it is impressive. - I bet the penguins are all hooked up. 96 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,800 "They're all the same." 97 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,960 LAUGHTER 98 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,720 Their version of Tinder is called Pick Up A Penguin. 99 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,680 LAUGHTER 100 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,080 Very good. So, now... 101 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,520 Identify the world's biggest gasbag. 102 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:21,240 LAUGHTER 103 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:24,400 Oh, Lord. John McCririck. 104 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:26,680 John McCririck is a very good answer. 105 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:28,840 An actual bag of actual gas? 106 00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:32,320 That would probably be the best way to go. 107 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,160 Without hinting too much. 108 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,480 I presume something like the Hindenburg, an airship. 109 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,160 An enormous airship, perhaps. 110 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:41,680 Well...kind of like an airship, yes, though in fact even bigger. 111 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:45,080 This is the biggest such device ever constructed by man. 112 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:49,000 Is it the one that Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden is involved with? 113 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,760 How extraordinary you are. 114 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,960 No. 115 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,360 But I am very impressed that you should know of that. 116 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,840 I met him about five years ago, 117 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,880 he said he invested a huge amount of money, 118 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,320 and it's about 200ft, or 300ft long or something, 119 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,520 it's absolutely enormous. There's pictures of it, 120 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,920 it looks like an arse, the way it's built. 121 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,560 - That's it. - Oh, there you go. - It does. There it is, like an arse. 122 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:11,240 It's in a hangar that's so big it has its own climate. 123 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,520 - Yes. - It has clouds and all sorts of things. - Yeah. - Why, oh, why, oh, why? 124 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:17,080 Did he do it? Well, because, for commercial reasons... 125 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:20,720 - Oh, it goes 100mph. - Yeah, it's like properly quite impressive. 126 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,520 Have they sorted out the whole, you know, Hindenburg... 127 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:27,640 - fiery-death element? - No, they decided not to worry about it. 128 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,280 It can carry 50 tonnes, 129 00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:32,160 it can stay in the air for three and a half weeks. 130 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,720 But the difference between that and the Hindenburg is? 131 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,360 - Do you know what the...? - It's not full of hydrogen, I take it. 132 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,360 The Hindenburg and the earlier airships were full of hydrogen, 133 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:44,720 - which is incrense... Incrensely... Incrensely flammable. - Yeah. 134 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,800 Anyway, not just incredibly or intensely, 135 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,760 - but "incrensely." Yeah. - Well, that's... Which is why it blew up. 136 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,360 That's why it blew up, because it was incrensely flammable. 137 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,640 What have I told you about reading Jabberwocky 138 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,080 before you present shows? 139 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,280 It makes it "intedibly" dangerous. 140 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:03,280 So, yes, that was a really good interruption, as it were. 141 00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,040 - Is this a naturally occurring gas-bag? - No, it isn't. 142 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:10,120 It is the biggest ever bag of gas created by human kind. 143 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:11,600 Does it have a purpose... 144 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,040 So it has a purpose other than storing the gas? 145 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,800 It had a purpose, in as much as it broke three records, 146 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,520 which are better remembered than this record. 147 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:22,200 What are the three records you might think of, 148 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,040 in terms of a balloon? 149 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,600 - Height, distance... - Yes, height, distance... 150 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,400 - ..and number of deaths. - There were no deaths. 151 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,200 There were no deaths in this case. 152 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,000 Is it loudest pop? 153 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,920 Not... 154 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,000 Most excited child? 155 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,520 Who... Who jumped out of a really high balloon? 156 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,400 - Oh, the... - Felix Baumgartner. - Yeah. 157 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:45,240 - GERMAN ACCENT: - Felix Baumgartner is the right answer. This is the... Ja. 158 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,960 So, Felix Baumgartner - there he is. 159 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:51,760 - He fell from a greater height than anyone has ever fallen. - Right. 160 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:54,400 He achieved a greater speed than anyone has fallen, 161 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,880 - which made him the first man ever to what? - Break the sound barrier. 162 00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,520 Break the sound barrier, unaided. 163 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,400 And it was the highest balloon ascent ever. 164 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,560 Those are three records - 165 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:04,680 the highest balloon ascent, biggest freefall... 166 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:06,840 - Do you know what else it was, Stephen? - What's that? 167 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:08,360 It was "incrensely" dangerous. 168 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,320 Incrensely... It was incrensely dangerous! 169 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:14,920 But it was the largest balloon ever constructed. 170 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:18,480 And let's have a look at how bigot it was. It was... Bigoted? 171 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,080 It was "bigoted" than the Statue of Liberty. 172 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:25,200 It was more bigoted than the Statue of Liberty? 173 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,720 - What is the matter?! - What is going on?! 174 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:29,960 It is a famous bigot. 175 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,520 Get... Just get rid of this one, get another one in. 176 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:37,040 "Give me your poor, your tired and tell them to piss off." 177 00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,280 What they'd call it in Carry On world is 178 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,280 the "Statue of Diabolical Liberty". 179 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,680 Anyway, it is gigantic, 180 00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,880 it's almost as tall as St Paul's Cathedral, 181 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,760 but taller, as you can see, than the Statue of Liberty, by a few feet. 182 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,200 But the comparison with the Hindenburg is interesting, 183 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:54,120 which is one... Do you know the Hindenburg? You mentioned, I think, 184 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,400 - didn't you? - Mm-hm. - There's the Hindenburg. 185 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,760 And the Hindenburg burst into flames catastrophically in New Jersey, 186 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:03,600 at the Lakehurst Naval Air Station. There it is. I mean, just awful. 187 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,160 It was so sophisticated inside, incredible. 188 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:07,600 That is, that is sophisticated. 189 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,600 Yeah. And they even had a cigarette lighter, 190 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:13,040 although it was hydrogen, one of the most flammable gases there is. 191 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:14,720 - All smoking! - But it was chained. 192 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:17,360 "Cigarette? Cigarette?" "Yes, please." 193 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:18,960 "I like to live dangerously..." 194 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,480 "What's that smell? Can anyone smell gas?" 195 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,000 LAUGHTER 196 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,480 "Don't be absurd." 197 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:29,040 The cigarette lighter was chained to one place, 198 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,800 so you could go up and light your cigarette. 199 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,680 But everyone wore special shoes 200 00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:36,760 that didn't create friction and static electricity 201 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,040 to create a spark that would set it off, 202 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:42,680 but something went wrong. In the movie, it's supposedly sabotage. 203 00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:46,480 So there you are. What use is a blue whale at a birthday party? 204 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:50,400 Alan, I'll give you a chance here. We know how you love blue whales. 205 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,040 LAUGHTER 206 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,560 It's not a blue actually, we should have offered you a blue, 207 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:58,240 but in fact that is a hump. It's a humper. 208 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:02,440 - That's not real, that photo, is it? - Oh, yes. Oh, yes, Alan's a diver. 209 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,680 A blue whale at a birthday party? 210 00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:08,000 - Well, they take up a lot of room, you'd need a big hall. - Yeah. 211 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,880 It's good, I think you're getting there. 212 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,760 Yeah. That's good encouragement, thanks, Richard. 213 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,480 That's OK. 214 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:18,000 Think it would be fun for the kids to get inside, couldn't they? 215 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,840 - Play around. - True. - Bouncy castle? 216 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:23,760 - Bouncy arsehole, did you say? - No... 217 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,200 I didn't, but by all means. 218 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:27,840 Oh, bouncy castle. 219 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:32,440 - Bouncy castle. - Oh, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean, yeah. 220 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:36,120 "Yeah, I'd like to... I'd like to hire a bouncy arsehole, if I may." 221 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:39,000 LAUGHTER 222 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,360 Oops. 223 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,800 No. List things that you need for children's parties. 224 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:45,080 - Well, my kids... - Cake, I was thinking candles. - Yeah. 225 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:48,840 - Candles is one. - My kids love ambergris, so... 226 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,160 You're quite right, ambergris does come from a whale. 227 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:53,440 It would be a natural for a blue whale. Right, cake... 228 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,080 - Pass the parcel. - Pass the parcel. 229 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,880 - Balloons? - Yes! - Balloons! 230 00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,400 - Balloons. - A big whale balloon. Whales filled with helium. 231 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,720 Why would a blue whale be useful at a children's party? 232 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,480 Because it can fill up, it's got the largest breath in the world. 233 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,800 Yes. Because, in one breath, 234 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,960 a blue whale could inflate 235 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,280 1,250 balloons. 236 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:14,360 - Wow. - OK. - That's a spoilt child. 237 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:15,800 I agree. 238 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,240 I take that point, but I'm fairly sure it's never happened. 239 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:20,800 No, no. You're right. 240 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:24,720 Yeah, and also, logistically, it would be almost impossible. 241 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,680 I would like... Whales live to be very old as well, don't they? 242 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,680 - Oh, yes. - So I would like one at my birthday party 243 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:31,240 to make me feel both young and slim. 244 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:34,400 Yes. Whales aren't particularly slim though, Lucy. 245 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:36,480 No, but I would, next to a whale... 246 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,800 Oh, I see, next to a whale. Yeah, sorry, I'm so stupid. 247 00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:41,040 I'm not asking for much of a compliment, Stephen. 248 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,200 No, no. I'm sorry! 249 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,400 - Just...you know? - I do apologise. 250 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,880 You're not going to be able to get next to the whale, 251 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,800 because he's in the balloon shed, pumping away. 252 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:54,240 - HE GRUNTS - One. 253 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,840 - HE GRUNTS - Two. 254 00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:00,800 Just going, "Those dolphins have it easy, don't they?" 255 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:04,760 I'm going to give you some bags now and ask you to blow these up. 256 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,480 Now, you may say, that's easy enough. 257 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:11,080 Ah, time for the controversial auto-erotic asphyxiation round. 258 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:13,680 Oh, don't, that's so rude. 259 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:15,840 - There you are. - Here we go. - That's terrible. 260 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:19,480 I'd just like a belt and a tangerine now. 261 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,880 So you're blowing up. 262 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,680 What you're doing is, you're trying to blow up... 263 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,200 - All right. - Look how clever she is. 264 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,800 How did you do that? 265 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:34,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 266 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,880 I'll show you here. It's called the Bernoulli effect. 267 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,240 - I can't even do that, Richard. - OK, watch this. 268 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,400 One blow. 269 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,800 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 270 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:56,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 271 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,720 So there you are. 272 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,920 Just one blow from a distance, like that, which you did. 273 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,520 So you get the points there, Lucy, that's very impressive. 274 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,840 So put them away nicely. You can put them away now. 275 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,520 But that's the Bernoulli effect, which is rather impressive. 276 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,320 You can try that at home, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. 277 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:16,320 Go to the little cupboard under the sink, boys and girls, 278 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:20,640 - where Mummy keeps all those little bin liners... - And her gin. 279 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,520 Yeah, don't put them over your head. And just do that little... 280 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,600 - HE BLOWS - ..effect, and then Mummy and Daddy 281 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:29,960 - will be very impressed. - "Stephen Fry told me to do it, Mummy!" 282 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,200 LAUGHTER 283 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:36,320 Now, who said, "The most beautiful girl or woman in the world 284 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,320 "would be a matter of indifference to me, 285 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,960 "but tall soldiers - they are my weakness"? 286 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,280 You did. 287 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:46,360 KLAXON 288 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:51,120 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 289 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,360 Oh, yes. 290 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,880 Oh, yes. 291 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,960 - That was very pleasing. - It was, wasn't it? 292 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,160 Was it someone who had a tall soldier 293 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,880 pointing a gun at them at the time? 294 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,640 You'd think so. 295 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:07,080 This person was obsessed with tall soldiers, 296 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:10,400 - tall people generally. - Was it my PA, Kelly? 297 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:13,720 She would be. 298 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,520 She is literally... All she wants in the world, if you know anyone, 299 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,640 is a ginger squaddie - that's all she wants. It's all she wants. 300 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,560 - But a tall ginger squaddie? - A tall ginger squaddie or, failing that, 301 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:24,800 a ginger roofer. So if you know anybody... 302 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,920 All right, you heard it here first. 303 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,600 I do have a... I have an inkling about this, 304 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:33,360 but I can't remember... It was a squadron... 305 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:35,040 Potsdam? 306 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,960 Ah, brilliant! Absolutely right. 307 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:41,520 Yeah, there were the Potsdam Giants. Yeah, absolutely right. 308 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:46,120 It was King Frederick Wilhelm I of Proist, 309 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,040 or Prussia, who was the father of Frederick the Great. 310 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,240 And he became King in 1713, 311 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,320 as you all know. 312 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:57,080 And he was obsessed with tall soldiers. 313 00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:00,000 - And he would kidnap them, he would recruit them... - It's like your PA. 314 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,880 He would get them from any country that wanted to be in with Prussia, 315 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,880 which was just growing as a power. 316 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:07,320 He himself was only five foot five. 317 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,880 So he wasn't very tall. But he just got them from all over the place. 318 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,400 In fact, one of his tallest was a seven-foot Irishman 319 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,240 called James Kirkland, 320 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:18,000 who was a hero of the Regiment of Potsdam Giants. 321 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,360 And he paid fathers for tall sons, 322 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,920 he paid tall women to have sex with tall men 323 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,960 so they could have tall sons. He was, and if he was... 324 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:29,640 He sounds like my kind of guy, I've got to say. 325 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:33,640 If he was unhappy, he'd get two or three hundred of his giants... 326 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:36,280 Ho, ho, don't finish this sentence. 327 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:39,440 No, no, no. Preceded by tall, turbaned Moors, 328 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,000 with cymbals and trumpets of the Grenadiers' mascot, 329 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,320 an enormous bear, to march for him to cheer him up. 330 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,720 And they'd do this through his bedroom if he was ill. 331 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,960 - To march for him? - With a bear as well? - How big was his bedroom? 332 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,480 It must have been, well, enormous. He was an emperor. 333 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,280 He wants big men and a bear, marching to strict rhythm, 334 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:58,560 which you can find in Old Compton Street, most Fridays. 335 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,680 - You're right. You're right. - PHILL BEATBOXES 336 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,920 You'd think he'd want them to do tall stuff. 337 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:06,000 - Like reach up to high shelves? - Yeah, stuff off shelves or something. 338 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,800 Yes, that's true. Plucking. 339 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,320 What's the point of having them just walking up and down? 340 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,800 I don't know. He had his particular thing. 341 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,880 The reason I've heard of this is because 342 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,680 when I got together with my husband, someone made this reference, 343 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,320 because I'm four foot eleven and my husband is six foot five, 344 00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:21,720 - which is like... - Hmm, Justin. 345 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,280 It's like, yes, in the bedroom it's like a ventriloquism act 346 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,560 that's gone really seriously wrong. 347 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:30,040 - You know, a horrible image, I know. - Or so right! 348 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:31,280 Well, yes. 349 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,960 There's a... Well, Frederick would have loved it, obviously. 350 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:37,520 - Yeah. - What does he make you do while he's drinking a pint of water? 351 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,840 LAUGHTER 352 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,080 I'll bet it's not the alphabet. 353 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,000 Oh! 354 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:47,800 Now. 355 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,080 So, and almost 100 years, 356 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,040 this regiment was part of the Prussian army. 357 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:53,880 Was that because they live longer? 358 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,120 No, I don't mean each individual member - 359 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,480 though they did live longer. 360 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,680 Do they get gradually shorter? 361 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,360 - It was a... - "I used to be tall." 362 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:10,280 Yes. King Frederick William of Prussia liked a tall soldier. 363 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:14,440 But why was Sir Billy Butlin such a little devil? 364 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,240 - Hmm. - Oh, holiday camps. 365 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,800 Butlins holiday camps. Minehead, Scarborough, Filey. 366 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,960 - Skegness. - Skegness, yeah. - Were the chalets little? 367 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,800 - No, but Billy Butlin himself... - Was he tiny? 368 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,880 He was. And if you think about the age he is, 369 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,600 - you might be able to work this out. - Second World War? 370 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,000 - No. - First World War? 371 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,160 The First World War, that's the generation he was. 372 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,600 And in the First World war, 373 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:40,600 they had something to make people fight, which was called? 374 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:41,880 Bromide. 375 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,320 No. It was a law. 376 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,520 - Conscription. - Conscription, yes. - Conscription. 377 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:49,240 But one of the things that could get you out of being conscripted 378 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,960 - was that if you were? - Tiny. - If you were small. 379 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,600 Did he pretend to be bigger to...? 380 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:57,360 No, he, as it were, 381 00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:01,840 fell under a particular desperation that the British Army... 382 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,320 Did they start a short army? 383 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:06,720 Yes, they literally did. 384 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,560 Lord Derby, the Earl of Derby said, 385 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,920 "Now, hang on, there are a whole load of short people, as it were, 386 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,240 "getting under the wire. 387 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,200 "And all these tall people are fighting and dying for us, 388 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,080 "we want more people to die for us. 389 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,600 "There simply aren't enough people dying. 390 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,280 "And all these short people are living. 391 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,600 "So we're going to have a short brigade." 392 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:29,360 And they were known as the "Bantams." The "Bantam Brigade." 393 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:31,000 I know, they were... 394 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,000 Presumably it would be quite good, 395 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,720 you could play on the opposition's... 396 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,760 - You know, the opposing army's sense of perspective? - Yeah. Exactly. 397 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:41,000 - In some way you're like... - "Those soldiers are really far away." 398 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,240 - Yeah, that's right. - "We have ages. They won't get here for days." 399 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:48,440 "They are no danger to us... Argh!" 400 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,360 These were men under five foot three 401 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:53,280 and Billy Butlin was one of them. 402 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:56,120 They became known as "The Devils", in fact, the "Devil's Dwarfs", 403 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,920 - because they were so... - Oh, my God! 404 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,520 ..their reputation for brawling and mischief. 405 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,560 They were very, very aggressive. 406 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:07,560 Here they are, being inspected by a splendid man with a moustache. 407 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:09,040 "Well done, well done." 408 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:11,960 German shin injuries up 75%. 409 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:15,560 LAUGHTER 410 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:19,640 "All our legs are being shot away from us, we do not know why." 411 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:21,400 Surely they should have just put them 412 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,840 - on each other's shoulders in a long coat. - Oh, yeah. 413 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,160 The most famous of them was called Henry Threadgould, 414 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:28,520 who was only four foot nine. 415 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:30,800 And he was believed to be the shortest soldier 416 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,680 ever to have served in the British Army. 417 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,080 There he is, next to quite a tall Scottish soldier. 418 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:36,520 But that's a short chap, 419 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:40,120 but chirpy and cheerful and ready to lay down his life for our country. 420 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:43,480 - I hope he doesn't shake hands with him. - Hey, now. 421 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:44,760 That's given my husband and I 422 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:48,920 a whole new avenue for bedroom role-play. 423 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:52,840 - "You be Henry and I'll be a Scots Guard." - Yeah! 424 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,280 Well, there you are. 425 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,800 So next time you go on a Butlins holiday, you can say, 426 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:01,160 "Well, thank you, Billy, for putting your life at risk, 427 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,760 "despite the fact that you weren't as tall as most soldiers." 428 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,000 And he survived. 429 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,720 He survived, in order to create these holiday camps. Yeah. 430 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,760 - With tiny beds. - With... 431 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:14,160 Now, bearing in mind the Potsdam Giants and the Devil Dwarfs, 432 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:17,480 what do you make of these? 433 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:20,720 - Alan? - Oh, now... - Yes, absolutely. 434 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,400 Strap on your feet to make you taller? 435 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:27,800 Can you pass those to Phill? Thank you. Alan, these are for you. 436 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,960 - I'm sort of guessing I'm not going to need any. - You're not. 437 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,840 Lucy, these are for you. 438 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 439 00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,920 - Oh, I feel... - Whoa! - Whoo! 440 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,560 There's a Naomi Campbell moment coming on here, isn't there? 441 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,680 Actually, we're going to do a little experiment. 442 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,880 There's an artist called Hans Hemmert, 443 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:49,000 and in 1997, he created a piece, an art project... 444 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,400 - I've seen this. - Have you? - Hmm. - It was called Level. - That's right. 445 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:55,440 And the idea was that he made these things 446 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,000 so that everybody was six and a half foot tall. 447 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:03,200 Essentially two metres, being a European. So, you're six eight? 448 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:06,720 - I'm six seven. - Six seven. You're five eleven. 449 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:09,120 I'm six four and a bit. You are? 450 00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:11,720 I'm six foot, but I've got creepers on, so I'm six one. 451 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:15,520 - Six one at the moment. And, darling? - Four eleven. 452 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,040 See I now can't see Lucy. 453 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,640 No, you can't actually see her at the moment. 454 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,840 They are half my height, that's it. 455 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,240 So, rather than get you to wear these, 456 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,960 we've actually given you blocks, 457 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:30,320 so we're all going to stand up to show what this art work revealed. 458 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,240 What you have to do, Richard, 459 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:36,040 - is duck down to be the same size as Alan. - All right. 460 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:39,160 I have to go on tiptoes to be a couple of inches taller. 461 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,680 - And you have to stand on your block. - Come on, girl. 462 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:45,360 - Which one am I, this one? - Yeah. - Phillip will help you up. 463 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:47,680 LAUGHTER 464 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:51,840 And we're now all the same height. It's an artwork! 465 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:56,600 APPLAUSE 466 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,560 Isn't that astonishing? 467 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,520 You see what that's like, Lucy? 468 00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,240 This is the happiest I've ever been. 469 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:05,520 You tire of it, you tire of it, I promise. 470 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,600 - You're so far form the desk when you want to write something down. - I know. 471 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,400 When you want to pick your tea up, you've got to go all the way down. 472 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:13,960 - I know. - It is hard with us, because, you know, 473 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,800 you have to move things onto higher shelves as children get older. 474 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,200 I can't reach the cleaning fluids in my house now. 475 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,800 I'm like a Borrower, it's ridiculous. 476 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:25,560 - So, let's sit down. - Careful now, health and safety! 477 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,960 Whoa! 478 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,440 The one thing when you are six seven, or you're very tall, 479 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:33,440 is you endlessly get asked to be on police identity parades. 480 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,280 - That's exactly what will happen. - But you do. At least once a week 481 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,720 people say, "You don't have 15 minutes, do you, sir?" 482 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,720 I think because they don't have a ready pool of people to do it. 483 00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:44,800 - That's bizarre. - And a lot of tall people commit crimes. - Yes, they do. 484 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,240 - Oh, yeah. - I'm an example. - And we get away with it, too. 485 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:51,800 - I think what it is, a lot of short people report crimes. - Yes. 486 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:54,720 - But you can see... - "He was huge!" 487 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:57,000 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 488 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,480 "How tall?" 489 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:01,440 "At least six foot six or something. He was huge." 490 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,320 "A giant of a man, he was." 491 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:05,920 Anyway, the idea was an artwork called Levels, 492 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,720 which was something to do with the idea that people from business 493 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,840 and meetings and everything else should all be the same size. 494 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:15,440 Anyway, what are the GIMPS searching for? 495 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,960 LAUGHTER 496 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,680 That's a Travelodge curtain! 497 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:22,800 LAUGHTER 498 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,800 - It definitely is. - I love that you recognise is. 499 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,320 Anyway, that's their curtains. 500 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,800 It's impossible to tell, with the old zip done up. 501 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,880 "You don't know where the station is, do you?" 502 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,040 Is it an acronym? 503 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,480 Aaah... 504 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:43,720 "Great, Giant, Italian Men...Posturing Slowly." 505 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:45,480 Great is right, "Great." 506 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,720 Is the MP "Magnetic Pulse"? 507 00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,960 - No, but I love the way you're thinking. - All right. 508 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,080 Is it searching for extraterrestrial life? 509 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:55,280 It is searching, but it's searching for something much closer to home 510 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:59,680 - or, indeed, wider in the universe. - Parking Space! PS, "Parking Space." 511 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,640 It's a Great something and the S is a "Search." 512 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,520 So it's a Great something something something Search. 513 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,480 - It's using computers. - Michael Parkinson? - Since 1996... 514 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:09,920 Mum Porn. 515 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,800 It could have been a man-porn search, that's not that difficult, 516 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,920 but in 1996, from 1996 onwards, 517 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:18,600 a lot of people have devoted the time of their computers 518 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:20,280 to run a little programme 519 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:23,600 which helps search for something very rare and extraordinary 520 00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:26,560 - which mathematicians have always... - Prime numbers! - Prime numbers. 521 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:30,080 - Prime numbers. - I got it before you! - Yes, you did. - You just got in there. 522 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,400 - The Great Internet Mersenne Prime Search. - Yeah. 523 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:37,000 A Mersenne prime number is a very particular kind of prime number. 524 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,080 What is a prime number, if you can just...? 525 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,200 One that's divisible only by itself and one. 526 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,840 Is the right answer. So we start with 2, 3, 527 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,960 5, 7, 11, 528 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,440 13, 17, 529 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:48,920 19, 23. 530 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:52,960 But they go into numbers with thousands of digits, don't they? 531 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:56,400 They've found like a million-digit prime, haven't they? 532 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,200 Oh! Well, 17 million. Way over 17 million digits. 533 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,640 But, the thing is, there's no system behind it. 534 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:06,240 And great mathematicians like Erdos, the great Hungarian mathematicians, 535 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:09,720 have always tried to find some system behind it and, to this day, 536 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:12,160 computers are battling away trying to find it. 537 00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:15,040 - Literally a needle in a haystack, isn't it? - What's a Mersenne prime? 538 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,080 A Mersenne prime is a very particular prime. 539 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:20,680 It's two to the power N, ie, two to the power anything. 540 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,320 So 2 squared, 2 cubed, 2 to the power of 4, 541 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,280 2 to the power of 5, minus 1. 542 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:28,320 So 2 squared is 4, 543 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:32,120 minus 1 is 3. That's a Mersenne Prime. 544 00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:36,280 5 is not a Mersenne Prime, but 2 cubed, 545 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:40,880 which is the next power up, is 8, minus 1 is 7. 546 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:42,520 That IS a Mersenne prime. 547 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,000 And the longest prime number as yet discovered, 548 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:47,680 while I'm speaking, 549 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:53,200 is 17,425,170 digits long. 550 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,800 That's not the number itself, that's how many digits it is. 551 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,600 AUDIENCE: Ooh. You're right to ooh. 552 00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,560 You're right to ooh and, to some extent, you're right to ah. 553 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:03,800 You'd be annoyed if your bill came to that in a restaurant. 554 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:08,440 And that is a Mersenne prime, which is what's so fascinating about it. 555 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:12,640 I'm excited now about maths, in a way I've never been. Thank you. 556 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:15,040 Good. Well, there you are. That's it. 557 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,880 GIMPS is searching for ever-bigger prime numbers. 558 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:21,440 Now, back to the Front. This is the Goliath. 559 00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:23,080 Where did the driver sit? 560 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:26,680 It didn't have one. 561 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:30,080 - Is the right answer. - Come on! - Yes. Quite right. 562 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:35,320 APPLAUSE 563 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:39,480 If we zoom out, we can see that it is... 564 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,160 - Is it what's his name, Butlin? - Yeah. 565 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:43,800 They are quite small tanks. 566 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:47,480 "Wahey! Come on, the Boche!" 567 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:52,800 It appears to have a Tommy there, with his rifle slung. 568 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:54,760 "I say, Sir, what on Earth are these?" 569 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,560 "I've got no idea, keep smiling." 570 00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,960 Well, you're right. They wouldn't know what they were. 571 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,720 They've just discovered them, because they're not British. 572 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:05,680 - In fact, it's the invention of? - The Hun. - The Hun, the Boche, Jerry. 573 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:08,600 It's an automatic, or at least remote-controlled tank, 574 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,760 which is actually a mine, known as Goliath. 575 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:13,680 And they contained a bomb 576 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:17,600 and you remote-controlledly drove it into an enemy territory 577 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:18,760 and blew them up. 578 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:21,320 Do those soldiers know they contain bombs? 579 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:24,680 - I think they'd disarmed them by this time. - Oh, OK, good. 580 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,760 But in terms of miniature weapons of this kind, 581 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,920 the Americans really beat the Germans in quite a disgusting way. 582 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,200 Do you know the Davy Crockett? 583 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:34,880 Is it going to be a miniature sub? 584 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:38,080 It's worse than a miniature sub, it's a portable launcher... 585 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,720 Is it a suicide-bomber racoon, with a...? 586 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:44,000 It's a portable launcher that could be mounted on a jeep. 587 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,200 - And what do you think it carried? - ALAN: Bubble gum. 588 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:49,440 "Bubble gum!" 589 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:51,680 Oh! 590 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:53,360 A lavatory? 591 00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:57,760 - I like the idea, it's good that you're thinking. - No. - Poo. - No. 592 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,160 It was worse, it was a small nuclear bomb. 593 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:03,640 You could actually carry a small nuclear bomb. 594 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:08,480 75 lbs only, and in case you wanted to know what 75 lbs was, 595 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:10,840 it's the same as an 11-year-old boy, 596 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,920 five racing bicycles, 597 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:14,840 100 cans of beer, 598 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,400 300 apples, 599 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:19,520 or 262,500 bees. 600 00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:21,400 LAUGHTER 601 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,320 That's like the worst-ever conveyor belt on the Generation Game. 602 00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,240 LAUGHTER 603 00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:28,160 That's so true. 604 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:32,120 I'm glad you said that, cos I always wonder what things are in bees(!) 605 00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:35,240 - It's my favourite unit. - Over a quarter of a million bees, yeah. 606 00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:38,240 There you are. 2,000 were deployed in Europe, between '61 and '71, 607 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,040 to deter the Soviet forces. 608 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:43,000 The nuclear yield could be switched between 10 and 20 tons, 609 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:46,360 which is a huge amount, in terms of a nuclear yield. 610 00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:49,120 - And were these things used? - No. Fortunately. 611 00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:50,680 They also, in special forces, 612 00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:54,400 had something called the Special Atomic Demolition Munition, 613 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,040 or SADM, rather bizarrely. 614 00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:58,560 Which could be carried in a backpack. 615 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,960 - And these were backpack nukes. - What?! 616 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,000 Yes, I know, it's weird, isn't it? 617 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:05,760 On battle fronts ranging from Eastern Europe to Korea and Iran. 618 00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:08,160 Although small, each one of them was more powerful 619 00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:10,960 than the atomic bombs dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. 620 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:14,080 - You would be like, "Bagsy not carrying that one." - Yeah. 621 00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:16,880 But lots of them were carried but, fortunately, none were used, 622 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:21,280 - as far as we know. - This show has really changed since WikiLeaks. 623 00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:23,840 We've got so much more information at our hands. 624 00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:26,440 Thank you, Edward, again. 625 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,280 It is astonishing, isn't it? Absolutely amazing, as you say, 626 00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:32,120 soldier carrying an atomic bomb with more power... 627 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:35,640 - He looks like he's just set his off and it's ticking. - Yeah. 628 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:37,760 I think we've sort of put that together, 629 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,400 because we don't actually have a shot of one with. 630 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:42,440 But that's a soldier with a backpack. 631 00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:45,680 - What soldier? - Anyway, what's the best way to get shit out of a tank? 632 00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:47,600 LAUGHTER 633 00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:49,400 Two in the front, two in the back. 634 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:51,400 Fire it out of the barrel? 635 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:54,720 - Fire it out of the barrel is the right answer. - Oh, really? Blimey! 636 00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:58,880 APPLAUSE 637 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,320 That's a war you don't want to be in, isn't it? 638 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:03,640 You could have waved your little loo thing, 639 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:07,920 - cos it is a lavatorial answer. - Which the Russians used to do with T34s. 640 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:10,720 How did you know that? That's rather sick of you. 641 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:13,920 The T34 is the bus from Twickenham to Kempton, isn't it? 642 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:17,200 LAUGHTER 643 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:22,400 And you can sling your shit out of the side of it any time. 644 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:26,800 It was a man called Aleksandr Georgievich Semenov 645 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:30,520 of St Petersburg, who was granted a patent 646 00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:34,760 for his Method of Biowaste Removal from Isolated Dwelling Compartment 647 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:38,080 of Military Facility and Device for Its Implementation. 648 00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,680 I tell you what, they should stick an I on the front of that, 649 00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,960 - they'd sell a million of them. - LAUGHTER 650 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:47,600 In plain English, it got rid of a tank crew's excrement 651 00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:50,440 by firing it out of the barrel at the enemy. 652 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:52,080 And he described it thus... 653 00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:55,560 - RUSSIAN ACCENT: - "The military psychological positive effect 654 00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:59,240 "takes place: comprehension of the facts of delivering 655 00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,240 "and distribution on enemy equipment and uniform, 656 00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:05,360 "as well as the opportunity of informing other soldiers 657 00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:07,440 "and the enemy about it." 658 00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:10,440 In other words, covering the enemy with shit is good for morale 659 00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:12,560 because it's funny. 660 00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,240 AUDIENCE GROANS IN DISGUST 661 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:17,160 I love the fact that got a way bigger... 662 00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:22,040 the idea of being hit with poo is much worse than the nuclear bomb. 663 00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:24,720 - But it is really, isn't it? - It is, yeah, I'll go with that. 664 00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:26,920 The 20 seconds after you've been hit by that 665 00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:30,160 is worse than 20 seconds after you've been hit by a nuclear bomb. 666 00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,480 You're vaporised, exactly. Or just, what do you do with that? 667 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:34,720 You vomit, you just... 668 00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:36,760 It's horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible. 669 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:39,280 - Beautiful story. - It is a lovely story. Thank you. 670 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:41,040 And I'm happy to share it with you. 671 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:43,800 Now, what did the chap on the left here have 672 00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:46,400 that was twice as big as the chap on the right? 673 00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:48,680 SNIGGERING 674 00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:52,120 - I don't know. Are these chaps inventors, Stephen? - No. 675 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:53,840 Is it to do with their beards? 676 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:56,840 No, they're both very, very, very famous, they're both 19th century. 677 00:31:56,840 --> 00:32:00,440 - Are they philosophers? - One of them won a Nobel Prize, the other didn't. 678 00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:03,080 Oh, is it Nobel Prize cabinet? 679 00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:05,920 LAUGHTER 680 00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:11,280 APPLAUSE 681 00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:13,880 You are faster than the speed of light tonight. 682 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:18,400 No, it's not that, but it could easily be. 683 00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:21,160 You definitely deserve points for that. The one on the right 684 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:24,720 was hugely fashionable for a time, and his name is Anatole France. 685 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:27,160 And he won the Nobel Prize for Literature. 686 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:29,680 The one on the left was a great literary figure, 687 00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:32,240 still much more highly regarded as a literary figure 688 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:35,400 - than the one on the right. - Is it Twitter following? 689 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:39,080 Neither of them, to their eternal shame, has a Twitter following. 690 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:42,000 How do you win a Nobel Prize for Literature if you don't Twitter? 691 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,360 It seems inconceivable, doesn't it? I know. I know. 692 00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:46,960 The one on the left... His initials, though, are to do... 693 00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:49,360 Slightly to do with Twitter, his initials are IT. 694 00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:50,920 Is he Russian? 695 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,120 Yes. So if it's "I", it's got to be? 696 00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:56,640 - Igor. - Ivan. - "Ivan" is the right answer. 697 00:32:58,000 --> 00:32:59,680 Month In The Country? 698 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:03,000 - Turgenev? - Fathers And Sons, Ivan Turgenev is the right answer. 699 00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:06,720 So, you have Ivan Turgenev and you have Anatole France. 700 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:09,240 One had something that was double the size of the other. 701 00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:10,920 Is it right hand or left hand? 702 00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:14,400 - No, but you're right to be physical, it's about their bodies. - Cock. 703 00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:17,240 - Maybe cock... - Well, everyone's thinking it, we might as well 704 00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:20,120 get it out in the open. KLAXON 705 00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:22,040 Oh! 706 00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:26,840 APPLAUSE 707 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:28,480 - No? - It's quite fun to sit here 708 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:31,120 when the word "penis" just flashes behind you. 709 00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:34,080 The number of times that's happened to him. 710 00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:36,080 - It's not. - Brain? 711 00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:37,680 "Brain" is the right answer. 712 00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:40,120 You bring back a little... A few points to yourself. 713 00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:43,680 - Oh, come on, it must match up. - Well, that's the thing, is... 714 00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:46,760 You can't lose more for saying "cock" than you get for saying "brain". 715 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:49,040 You know that a klaxon... 716 00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:52,400 Yeah, Turgenev's brain is twice the size of Anatole France's - 717 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:56,680 or was - and Anatole France won the Nobel Prize and Turgenev didn't, 718 00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:59,520 not that that's anything to do with it, but it is quite surprising. 719 00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:00,920 Because, generally speaking, 720 00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:03,920 it's held that brain size is to do with intelligence. 721 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:07,080 Although there are manifold exceptions. 722 00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:10,800 But in the case of Turgenev and Anatole France, well, 723 00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:13,840 Turgenev's brain was 4lbs 6oz. 724 00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:18,360 And France's was 2lbs 4oz, almost exactly half. 725 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:20,880 Can you feel the weight of your brain? 726 00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:23,760 - Is that a thing? - Yes, I can. - If you've got a heavier brain... 727 00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:25,360 Yeah. It's really upsetting. 728 00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:27,520 I can't feel anything. 729 00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:30,200 LAUGHTER 730 00:34:30,200 --> 00:34:32,080 Size isn't everything, it seems. 731 00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:35,840 However, just how small can you feel? 732 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:39,920 Er, right. So is this the... Your ability to feel tininess? 733 00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:42,160 Hmm, it is. Well spotted. 734 00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:44,080 A human hair is pretty small. 735 00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:45,920 Hairs are small, yeah. 736 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:48,880 You can't feel that if it's resting on your hand, 737 00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:51,200 but if you put it between your fingers, you can. 738 00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:53,360 - Pollen, can you feel pollen? - Ooh, ooh... 739 00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:56,400 - It depends what you're feeling it with. - Yes. - Look, I'm doing this, 740 00:34:56,400 --> 00:35:00,320 - I can play the tiny violin. - You're using your fingertips, which are your best feely things. 741 00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:02,600 - Oh, OK, fingertips. - It was only in 2013 742 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,320 they started to do experiments, really, to try and find out. 743 00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:08,360 And they used a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very 744 00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:12,000 smooth surface to try and get the friction, the friction. 745 00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:14,880 And it's absolutely extraordinary what they discovered. 746 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:17,840 And that is that we can feel, with our fingers, 747 00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:21,480 something as small as 13 nanometres high. 748 00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:24,280 Which is to say, the size of a single molecule. 749 00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:27,480 Which in itself would be ten times smaller than a bacterium. 750 00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:30,080 Fortunately, we can't feel bacteria, 751 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,640 cos that would drive us crazy, because they're everywhere. 752 00:35:32,640 --> 00:35:35,720 We used to do that game at parties, where you had to feel molecules, 753 00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:38,440 but you had to wear a big pair of gardening gloves as well. 754 00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:41,120 Which is impossible. 755 00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:44,880 Human fingers do this by sensing vibrations from the friction, 756 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:48,360 and it is absolutely astonishing. And you can test it, 757 00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:51,080 because you can put something on a surface that's smooth 758 00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:53,880 and put these tiny things and say "stop" when you feel it. 759 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:55,960 How smooth is smooth? 760 00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:58,720 Yeah. Are we talking, like, Magic FM? 761 00:35:58,720 --> 00:36:01,360 - That's too smooth. - Too smooth? - Yeah. 762 00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:05,120 Let's butter your back, Stephen, and get some molecules on there 763 00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:07,160 and have a good old feel. 764 00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:10,520 The research team created invisible wrinkles of 16 different heights. 765 00:36:10,520 --> 00:36:14,640 The smallest detectable ones were 7,000 times thinner 766 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:18,480 than a sheet of paper. There you are. It makes you wonder, though, 767 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:22,120 why we can never find the end of a roll of Sellotape. 768 00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:25,200 - Hey... - How is that? 769 00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:28,480 Anyway, you'd be surprised just how small people feel sometimes. 770 00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:31,560 Now, fingers on buzzers please, cos it's time for General Ignorance. 771 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:35,080 Where is the second biggest film industry based? 772 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:38,160 - # Big girl... - Yes? - # 773 00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:39,840 Nigeria. 774 00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:42,160 - Oh, is the right answer! - I was going to say that. 775 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:43,800 Were you going to say that? 776 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:46,160 APPLAUSE 777 00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:48,640 Very impressive. 778 00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:51,720 - And so it is called, of course? - Nollywood. - Nollywood. 779 00:36:51,720 --> 00:36:53,960 Nollywood is the right answer, absolutely right. 780 00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:56,600 Bollywood is the biggest. Nollywood is the second biggest. 781 00:36:56,600 --> 00:37:01,000 Nollywood was founded by Kenneth Nnebue, in 1992, 782 00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:06,360 when he bought in a huge number of VHS cassettes from Taiwan, 783 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:08,720 and he figured that he could sell them better 784 00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:10,840 if he put something on them, cos they were blank. 785 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:15,240 So he quickly made a film which was called Living In Bondage. 786 00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:17,880 And it was about a man who achieves power and wealth 787 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:19,320 by killing his wife, 788 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:23,120 but she comes back to haunt him and destroys his happiness and sanity. 789 00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:26,320 And it sold three quarters of a million copies. 790 00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:30,640 So immediately people started to... You know, to follow his bandwagon, 791 00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:34,480 and this extraordinary studio system - 792 00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:36,400 well, it's not really a studio system 793 00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:38,120 because it has so few facilities - 794 00:37:38,120 --> 00:37:42,040 but it's incredibly successful, they turn out 30 films a week. 795 00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:44,280 - They churn them out, don't they? - They really do. 796 00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:47,520 We once made a TV show in Nigeria, and we turned up... 797 00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:50,040 It was a quiz show, we turned up, there was a field, 798 00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:52,960 they built a studio, brought everything inside it, 799 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:55,840 we filmed it, they then dismantled the whole thing 800 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:59,600 - and we all went home. - Really? - Yeah. - For one half-hour TV pilot. 801 00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:02,080 - Was that Pointless Nigeria? - It wasn't Pointless Nigeria! 802 00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:05,320 Wow, that's amazing. 803 00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:08,400 Now, which country's armed forces' official march 804 00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:11,080 is about a tramp by a pond being accosted by a farmer 805 00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:13,640 because he's stolen a sheep in his lunch bag...? 806 00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:16,240 - # Big bad John. # - Australia? - Oh! 807 00:38:16,240 --> 00:38:19,400 - KLAXON - What a shame. - It sounds a bit like it, though, doesn't it? 808 00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:23,200 It sounds exactly like it, because it is an exact translation of...? 809 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:25,320 - Waltzing Matilda. - Waltzing Matilda. 810 00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:28,640 But Waltzing Matilda is not an official march in Australia. 811 00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:32,440 But it is the official march of... a country's military. 812 00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:34,760 Oh, it's one of the African countries, isn't it? 813 00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:38,440 - It's not, bizarrely. - It's one of the Asian countries. - No, it's not. 814 00:38:38,440 --> 00:38:41,120 - So, way deep down there in South America? - South American? 815 00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:44,040 - No. But that's the right area, except not south. - Caribbean. 816 00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:47,480 - No. - Central America, Nicaragua, like Honduras-type place? 817 00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:49,440 I want to say Panama. 818 00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:51,720 Belize, I'm going to say Belize. I'm going to say... 819 00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:54,680 - If you get it, when I've done 15, I'm going to... - Belize, Belize me. 820 00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:58,040 - El Salvador. - Costa Rica. - No. Go big. 821 00:38:58,040 --> 00:38:59,760 - Mexico. - Mexico. 822 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:01,480 - Even bigger. - America. - America. 823 00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:03,560 The United States of America, amazingly. 824 00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:05,960 - Get out of town. - The 1st Marine... Yeah. 825 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:09,160 - The 1st Marine Division, there they are. They have... - Tall soldiers! 826 00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:12,360 - Yeah. The 1st Marine... - "I love you. March for me!" 827 00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:14,880 I love she's just... She's just not all... 828 00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:17,240 She's come out of the wrong door. 829 00:39:17,240 --> 00:39:20,320 - Well... - That's my PA, Kelly. 830 00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:22,320 LAUGHTER 831 00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:23,720 "Hats off!" 832 00:39:23,720 --> 00:39:26,680 Yeah, the 1st Marine Division used Waltzing Matilda, 833 00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:30,120 because of their relationship with the Australian Army in World War II. 834 00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:34,120 But there's no Australian military force that uses it officially. 835 00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:37,080 - Of course, they can play what they like. - They were trying to have it as 836 00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:39,480 their national anthem. But it was out-voted, I think. 837 00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:41,160 - By? - By Advance Australia Fair. 838 00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:43,520 - AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - "Advance Australia Fair." 839 00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:47,440 Which is one of the official marches, the other being God Save The Queen. 840 00:39:47,440 --> 00:39:51,360 And there's also the British Royal Tank Regiment's Slow March. 841 00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:54,640 So, the fact is, if you hear Waltzing Matilda coming at you 842 00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:56,040 in an official capacity, 843 00:39:56,040 --> 00:39:58,440 it's Americans attacking you, not Aussies. 844 00:39:58,440 --> 00:40:00,840 Or our own chaps, but very slowly. 845 00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:03,080 When a chicken lays an egg, 846 00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:05,520 which end comes out first? 847 00:40:05,520 --> 00:40:09,120 Oh, God. Not answering. 848 00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:10,920 # Big girls... # 849 00:40:10,920 --> 00:40:13,840 - The big end. - Yes! That's right. You see... 850 00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:16,080 Oh, shut up! I was going to say that! 851 00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 852 00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:21,080 We can actually, erm... 853 00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:25,680 We've actually got a glove which sort of reproduces an oviduct - 854 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:29,240 you know, a little egg-laying tube, so you can try and... 855 00:40:29,240 --> 00:40:30,840 What happens is, in utero, 856 00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:33,760 the egg is little-end down and then it turns round. 857 00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:39,640 Yeah, very good. 858 00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:42,440 I'm going to start campaigning for epidurals for chickens. 859 00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:45,800 There you are, you can let the big end out, can you...? Ooh. 860 00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:48,960 - Oh, no, this is so sore. - Are these hard-boiled, because this is... 861 00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:51,720 - Oh, well done, there you are. - Oh, I've laid one. 862 00:40:51,720 --> 00:40:53,000 Oh, dear. 863 00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:54,640 It is a rubber egg, as you can... 864 00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:56,560 WHACK! WHACK! 865 00:40:57,800 --> 00:41:00,200 That's why you're not a hen gynaecologist. 866 00:41:01,160 --> 00:41:04,240 But you should have... Have you got a real egg down there? 867 00:41:04,240 --> 00:41:05,920 I've got a real egg and a cup. 868 00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:08,440 Now, now be careful with the real egg. Point it over the cup. 869 00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:12,000 - Why, are they fragile, Stephen? - Well, no, they're not fragile, Alan, 870 00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:13,920 and if you obey this picture 871 00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:15,720 and put the egg in your hand like this 872 00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:18,960 and squeeze as hard as you like, you shouldn't be able to break it. 873 00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:23,000 - What have I got to do? - Squeeze. 874 00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:25,560 Hard as you can, to break it. But you can't, can you? 875 00:41:25,560 --> 00:41:28,320 - No, I cannot break it. - Very, very strong. And that's the thing, 876 00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:31,000 eggs are very... You can try it at home, ladies and gentlemen. 877 00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:34,640 If any of you had done it, I would have married you, goddamn it. 878 00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:36,240 How do they stamp them, Stephen? 879 00:41:36,240 --> 00:41:39,920 Well, they've got a little thing inside their little hymen. 880 00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:44,000 A little printing event, that goes on, just as it comes out, 881 00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:45,560 getting its best-before date. 882 00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:49,040 - That's clever. That's very clever. - Yeah, yeah. 883 00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:53,080 The cartridges to refill a chicken are really prohibitively expensive. 884 00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:55,840 LAUGHTER 885 00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:58,800 - Well, yes, you've rather revealed my trick... - Oh, they're great. 886 00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:02,720 Meanwhile, on the chicken farm, Barnes Wallace... 887 00:42:02,720 --> 00:42:06,680 And so, having spent a little time having it large with you all, 888 00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,200 it's time to look at the scores. 889 00:42:09,200 --> 00:42:11,840 Well, it's extraordinary, it's wonderful, it's terrific 890 00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:14,920 and it's marvellous because, in first place, by quite a margin - 891 00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:16,880 that's to say by QI standards - 892 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:18,800 it's Lucy Porter, with 8 points! 893 00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:23,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 894 00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:26,000 In second place, 895 00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:28,320 5 behind, with plus 3, 896 00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:30,440 is Phill Jupitus. 897 00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:34,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 898 00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:37,480 And, surprising, given the depth and breadth of his knowledge, 899 00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:40,360 with minus 16, in third place, is Richard Osman. 900 00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:42,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 901 00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:44,320 We did rubbish. 902 00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:47,240 But, bringing up his all-too-familiar rear, 903 00:42:47,240 --> 00:42:49,520 with minus 27, is Alan Davies. 904 00:42:49,520 --> 00:42:56,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 905 00:42:56,920 --> 00:43:00,240 So, it's thanks from Lucy, Phill, Richard, Alan and me. 906 00:43:00,240 --> 00:43:03,360 And I'll leave you with the last words of Nostradamus, 907 00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:07,200 as he lay dying, probably making what was his only accurate 908 00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:10,160 and only unambiguous prediction. 909 00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:13,160 "Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here." 910 00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:14,320 Good night. 911 00:43:14,320 --> 00:43:17,360 APPLAUSE