1 00:00:28,787 --> 00:00:32,547 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:36,066 --> 00:00:38,826 Bonsoir, guten abend, guten abend, guten abend, guten abend, 3 00:00:38,826 --> 00:00:41,026 good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:41,026 --> 00:00:43,106 good evening and welcome, willkommen, bienvenue, 5 00:00:43,106 --> 00:00:47,826 nache a QI, where tonight, at long last, it's the Long Lost show. 6 00:00:47,826 --> 00:00:50,345 Let's meet the long-trousered Jimmy Carr. 7 00:00:50,345 --> 00:00:53,585 APPLAUSE 8 00:00:53,585 --> 00:00:56,625 The long-suffering Claudia O'Doherty. 9 00:00:59,545 --> 00:01:02,185 The long-awaited Suggs. 10 00:01:05,145 --> 00:01:08,824 And a lost cause, Alan Davies. 11 00:01:13,504 --> 00:01:16,504 And now for some long-form buzzers. Jimmy goes... 12 00:01:16,504 --> 00:01:21,544 GONG REVERBERATES 13 00:01:21,544 --> 00:01:24,623 That is long-form. 14 00:01:24,623 --> 00:01:26,543 - I'm not finished. - Thank you. 15 00:01:26,543 --> 00:01:27,863 Claudia goes... 16 00:01:27,863 --> 00:01:34,023 SUSTAINED ELECTRIC GUITAR NOTE 17 00:01:34,023 --> 00:01:36,023 It's going to be a very long show. 18 00:01:36,023 --> 00:01:39,503 Sometimes we shorten the cues - you'd be surprised. Suggs goes... 19 00:01:39,503 --> 00:01:43,062 OUT OF TUNE SAXOPHONE PLAYS 20 00:01:43,062 --> 00:01:44,702 I thought as much. 21 00:01:47,182 --> 00:01:49,102 HITS DEEP NOTE 22 00:01:49,102 --> 00:01:50,582 That's better. 23 00:01:50,582 --> 00:01:51,742 And Alan goes... 24 00:01:51,742 --> 00:01:57,021 FLY BUZZES 25 00:01:57,021 --> 00:01:59,501 LAUGHTER 26 00:02:03,461 --> 00:02:05,301 Ah, ooh, bitter, very bitter. 27 00:02:05,301 --> 00:02:08,661 Now, we haven't been going long and already I've lost a lavatory, 28 00:02:08,661 --> 00:02:12,781 so if you spot it, let me know by playing your Spend a Penny. 29 00:02:12,781 --> 00:02:14,700 Spend a Penny and if you're right... 30 00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:17,980 TOILET FLUSHES 31 00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:19,300 ..there'll be points. 32 00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:23,300 If you're wrong, there may be deductions, it's up to me to decide. But that's your joker. 33 00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:28,260 So, how could living in a tiny flat stop you from losing your marbles? 34 00:02:28,260 --> 00:02:30,659 - CLAUDIA'S BUZZER - Yes, Claudia? 35 00:02:30,659 --> 00:02:32,259 If you had a very small house, 36 00:02:32,259 --> 00:02:36,219 you wouldn't be worried that there was a killer in the next room. 37 00:02:36,219 --> 00:02:39,059 That's something that I worry about in my house. 38 00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,659 - Do you? - Yes. 39 00:02:40,659 --> 00:02:44,179 But if it was small, very small, one room, I would be fine, 40 00:02:44,179 --> 00:02:46,619 I wouldn't be scared at all. 41 00:02:46,619 --> 00:02:50,618 - Wouldn't you need a Jodie Foster-style sort of safe...? - A panic room. - The panic room. 42 00:02:50,618 --> 00:02:55,138 - Well, the whole house is the panic room. - Oh, well, I guess it would be. - If it's a small flat, yeah. 43 00:02:55,138 --> 00:02:58,938 - I guess it is, isn't it? - Yes. So how many points do I get for that? 44 00:03:00,578 --> 00:03:04,017 - I think you may have come in with a rather optimistic frame of mind here. - OK, right. 45 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:08,337 Do you think you watched too many horror films where it's always the phone call came from in the house? 46 00:03:08,337 --> 00:03:10,617 - They're calling from inside the house. - House. - Yeah. 47 00:03:10,617 --> 00:03:14,457 Well, if they're not in the house, they can't get you. Your horror movies sound fine. 48 00:03:14,457 --> 00:03:16,537 There's so many genres and sometimes 49 00:03:16,537 --> 00:03:20,497 - there's the cabin in the woods genre, high school ones, different kinds. - There's camp ones. 50 00:03:20,497 --> 00:03:24,976 - Camp ones, exactly. I mean, not camp in the sense of... - No, no. 51 00:03:24,976 --> 00:03:27,016 But camp horror would be quite fun, wouldn't it - 52 00:03:27,016 --> 00:03:31,296 "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, you gave me a start!" 53 00:03:34,416 --> 00:03:36,336 I think you've created a genre right there. 54 00:03:36,336 --> 00:03:39,495 I think I may have done. I think I may. 55 00:03:39,495 --> 00:03:41,455 Oh, something just stabbed me in the back! 56 00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:46,375 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 57 00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:51,175 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. 58 00:03:51,175 --> 00:03:54,694 Let's come back at the same time tomorrow. 59 00:03:54,694 --> 00:03:57,294 What are you doing in the woods? Well... 60 00:04:00,694 --> 00:04:02,094 Behave, all of you. 61 00:04:02,094 --> 00:04:04,494 Now, let's return to the question, which was, Suggs...? 62 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:06,654 It was why would you be less likely to 63 00:04:06,654 --> 00:04:08,414 lose your marbles in a small flat? 64 00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:10,934 Apart from the fact if you're playing marbles, 65 00:04:10,934 --> 00:04:13,773 - there's less distance for them to go. - That's a very good thought. 66 00:04:13,773 --> 00:04:16,133 It's actually, we're actually being figurative here. 67 00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:18,533 It's a very common thing that happens, when you've gone 68 00:04:18,533 --> 00:04:23,013 into a room and you've forgotten what you've gone into it for. You know. 69 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:26,533 I've had that in...I had that at the Hammersmith Apollo once. 70 00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:30,852 Walked out on stage and went, "What have I...? Oh, jokes, right. OK." 71 00:04:30,852 --> 00:04:31,972 Shit. 72 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:34,732 I have a good thing I do so I don't do that, though, 73 00:04:34,732 --> 00:04:37,612 which is, if I'm looking for a thing, so I don't forget what that thing is, 74 00:04:37,612 --> 00:04:41,612 I just start saying the thing, so I just go, "keys, keys, keys, keys." 75 00:04:41,612 --> 00:04:45,211 - That's right! - And then I find the keys. Pretty cool. You're welcome. 76 00:04:45,211 --> 00:04:47,411 There was a study at Notre Dame, Notre Dame - 77 00:04:47,411 --> 00:04:50,371 as they call it in America - University, which discovered 78 00:04:50,371 --> 00:04:55,651 that the key thing that makes you forget is crossing a threshold. 79 00:04:55,651 --> 00:04:57,651 In other words, going from one room to another. 80 00:04:57,651 --> 00:05:01,091 If you have a one-room flat, it's unlikely to happen. 81 00:05:01,091 --> 00:05:02,970 I don't want to stick on the horror theme too much, 82 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,530 but if there's a vampire, then, and they're planning to kill you, 83 00:05:05,530 --> 00:05:08,250 - and they have to be invited into the house, by tradition... - Yep. 84 00:05:08,250 --> 00:05:12,370 ..and they cross the threshold, is there a chance when you invite them in, they go, "I forgot why came in." 85 00:05:12,370 --> 00:05:15,810 Indeed. Not only that, if they're chasing you from one room to another, 86 00:05:15,810 --> 00:05:18,170 "why did I come into the kitchen?" 87 00:05:18,170 --> 00:05:22,329 ALAN: "Bite him in the neck, bite him in the neck, bite him in the neck..." 88 00:05:22,329 --> 00:05:25,249 - "Blood, blood, blood, blood." - That's exactly it. 89 00:05:25,249 --> 00:05:27,209 There's something that happens in the brain. 90 00:05:27,209 --> 00:05:29,489 It may be an evolutionary thing when you move from one 91 00:05:29,489 --> 00:05:32,849 sort of landscape - from a thicket to open country as it were - 92 00:05:32,849 --> 00:05:35,408 the equivalent of a threshold, that for some reason, you no 93 00:05:35,408 --> 00:05:38,448 longer need the same tools to cope with that particular environment 94 00:05:38,448 --> 00:05:41,848 or habitat, and so you, you know, we somehow seem to forget it. 95 00:05:41,848 --> 00:05:44,328 But, I mean, for instance, if you were in B&Q, 96 00:05:44,328 --> 00:05:47,888 that's one big room, isn't it? I mean, you don't cross any thresholds. But... 97 00:05:47,888 --> 00:05:51,048 True, when you go in there, you do forget everything you were meant to... 98 00:05:51,048 --> 00:05:54,527 - I meant to get those Rawlplugs and the other things... - You forget the day. 99 00:05:54,527 --> 00:05:58,287 - The butt plugs. - The reason why you're alive. - Where the car is, - who you're married to. 100 00:05:58,287 --> 00:06:00,847 Why you haven't killed yourself earlier. 101 00:06:00,847 --> 00:06:03,007 Oh, Suggs, Suggs! Let's not go down there. 102 00:06:03,007 --> 00:06:06,367 No, but I'm just saying, it is one big room. I mean, it is a big room, isn't it? 103 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:10,166 Yeah. Well, yeah, crossing a threshold makes you lose your thread. 104 00:06:10,166 --> 00:06:14,126 What's the world's longest living thing? 105 00:06:14,126 --> 00:06:16,086 SUGGS' BUZZER 106 00:06:16,086 --> 00:06:17,806 Suggs? 107 00:06:17,806 --> 00:06:20,046 A giant redwood. 108 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:22,326 Good answer. Not correct, but good. 109 00:06:22,326 --> 00:06:24,086 They do live a very, very long time. 110 00:06:24,086 --> 00:06:25,925 And it's not a klaxon. 111 00:06:25,925 --> 00:06:27,565 - There was a clam. - A clam? 112 00:06:27,565 --> 00:06:30,885 A clam that some scientists killed last year, that was 500 years old. 113 00:06:30,885 --> 00:06:33,285 That some scientists killed? Yeah, it was an accident. 114 00:06:33,285 --> 00:06:37,205 But they were like, "Guys, great news, we've found the oldest thing in the world!" 115 00:06:37,205 --> 00:06:41,405 "We killed it, but it's really old." 116 00:06:41,405 --> 00:06:43,284 And it was over 500 years old. 117 00:06:43,284 --> 00:06:46,604 This is well over 500 years old. Possibly immortal. 118 00:06:46,604 --> 00:06:48,284 Is that picture a clue? 119 00:06:48,284 --> 00:06:51,044 There is some there, I think, well, you can see... 120 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:53,044 Shall we have a klaxon? Do you want a klaxon? 121 00:06:53,044 --> 00:06:54,284 What are you going to say? 122 00:06:54,284 --> 00:06:55,524 Brucie. 123 00:06:55,524 --> 00:06:58,164 KLAXON 124 00:07:02,163 --> 00:07:05,163 The biggest thing in the world, got to have a bit of fun. 125 00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:08,603 - Obviously if you're watching this... - Love, respect, everything. 126 00:07:08,603 --> 00:07:11,723 He loves the show. I invite him on, and he just, kind of... 127 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,603 He said, "look, I never went to any school, I don't really know anything." 128 00:07:14,603 --> 00:07:18,402 - He knows loads of stuff, he's brilliant to hang out with. - I know! He's fantastic. 129 00:07:18,402 --> 00:07:22,162 The problem with asking him to do things is he lives in a house with a lot of rooms. 130 00:07:24,242 --> 00:07:28,682 Just off one of the halls in Wentworth, I think, is where he lives, isn't it, cos that's... 131 00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:32,802 - Lichen! - Yes, is the right answer. Lichen. 132 00:07:32,802 --> 00:07:36,961 But no... Nothing to do with the lavatory, but we don't count that as playing it. 133 00:07:36,961 --> 00:07:38,841 It is lichen, lichen, there it is. 134 00:07:38,841 --> 00:07:40,881 How many forms of life make up lichen, as it were? 135 00:07:40,881 --> 00:07:43,761 Well, I don't even understand the question - how many forms of life? 136 00:07:43,761 --> 00:07:46,761 Well, you know, sometimes you get symbiosis, which creates what 137 00:07:46,761 --> 00:07:49,481 seems to be one thing but is in fact made up of other things. 138 00:07:49,481 --> 00:07:51,960 - Okey doke. - Things living together, symbiotic. 139 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,400 And this is two organisms, it's fungus and algae. 140 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,560 - Fungus and algae. - Yeah. - Living together. - Yeah, that's right. 141 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,960 - Is it, we're making the worst ever sitcom? - Well, one provides... The fungus... 142 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,120 They're living together but they don't get on. Oh, they're so very different. 143 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:07,359 Fungus the Bogeyman and Algy, Algy from Biggles. 144 00:08:07,359 --> 00:08:09,519 I've got Ebony and Ivory in my head now. 145 00:08:09,519 --> 00:08:13,119 - Fungus and Algae. - Well, the fungus provides a cosy environment 146 00:08:13,119 --> 00:08:16,359 and the algae has the equipment to photosynthesise, and they live 147 00:08:16,359 --> 00:08:19,359 happily together on stones and in incredible environments. 148 00:08:19,359 --> 00:08:23,239 - That's the oldest thing? - Well, there's a 9,000 years old one in Lapland, 149 00:08:23,239 --> 00:08:26,118 probably the world's oldest living thing, as far as we know. 150 00:08:26,118 --> 00:08:27,278 They're everywhere. 151 00:08:27,278 --> 00:08:29,998 They're the dominant vegetation on 8% of the world's surface. 152 00:08:29,998 --> 00:08:33,678 Not just they exist there, they are the dominant vegetation. They can be very tasty. 153 00:08:33,678 --> 00:08:37,038 There's a...Pete Townshend, you know, you remember Pete Townshend. 154 00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:40,917 - Indeed. - No, I don't mean Pete Townshend. That can't be right. 155 00:08:40,917 --> 00:08:44,917 Go in another room, see if you can remember. 156 00:08:44,917 --> 00:08:46,877 - Pete Waterman. - Aha! 157 00:08:46,877 --> 00:08:49,557 Pete Waterman. Two very different animals. 158 00:08:49,557 --> 00:08:51,237 They are, very different. 159 00:08:51,237 --> 00:08:53,757 That's a very different set of jokes in my head. 160 00:08:53,757 --> 00:08:58,396 - I've got very little in that category. - Neither of them are - acceptable. 161 00:08:58,396 --> 00:08:59,556 SUGGS: Dear, oh, dear! 162 00:08:59,556 --> 00:09:02,276 So, Pete Waterman, his hobbies. 163 00:09:02,276 --> 00:09:04,676 Model railway collecting. 164 00:09:04,676 --> 00:09:06,716 - Model railways, very good. - Yes, yes. 165 00:09:06,716 --> 00:09:09,636 - Where might you use lichen or...? - All over his face. No, sorry, no. 166 00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:13,636 - I don't know what I thought there. - There's a kind of lichen that's - known as Caribou Moss, 167 00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:16,755 so it's a moss-like lichen. And that's it there. 168 00:09:16,755 --> 00:09:19,555 And it's used by model railway enthusiasts for what? 169 00:09:19,555 --> 00:09:22,515 - Grass. Oh, who put that... To create grass. - Not grass. - Bushes. 170 00:09:22,515 --> 00:09:24,635 - Bushes and trees. - SUGGS: And little furry green wigs. 171 00:09:24,635 --> 00:09:27,355 Hang on a second, can we take a moment to look at that photo and ask 172 00:09:27,355 --> 00:09:28,795 what the hell is going on there? 173 00:09:28,795 --> 00:09:31,834 That feels to me like a zoo with an enclosure that's just gone... 174 00:09:31,834 --> 00:09:33,954 Stick 'em in together. 175 00:09:33,954 --> 00:09:37,914 There's been some budget cuts, they can work it out. 176 00:09:37,914 --> 00:09:39,914 You can't put them in with them! 177 00:09:39,914 --> 00:09:43,794 - It's so wonderful. Yes, you can. - A lot of those guys need water. 178 00:09:43,794 --> 00:09:47,793 - Well, it's very near the coast, as you can see. - How is that near the coast? 179 00:09:47,793 --> 00:09:50,713 It's slithering down, all the little waters running down to the sea. 180 00:09:50,713 --> 00:09:53,753 Look at the poor fat fella at the back. 181 00:09:53,753 --> 00:09:56,353 Look at him. He's just stranded there going, well... 182 00:09:56,353 --> 00:09:59,153 - It does look a bit odd... - Hang on. 183 00:09:59,153 --> 00:10:01,833 "Hello, this feels wrong. Hello? 184 00:10:01,833 --> 00:10:04,832 "I shouldn't be in with the deer. Hello?" 185 00:10:04,832 --> 00:10:07,272 The photographer is giving his usual lie, which is - 186 00:10:07,272 --> 00:10:09,512 "Just one more, just one more." 187 00:10:09,512 --> 00:10:13,472 "Hello? The deer have drunk all the water!" 188 00:10:17,592 --> 00:10:19,552 They are reindeer. 189 00:10:20,592 --> 00:10:23,911 FAINT GROANS 190 00:10:23,911 --> 00:10:26,711 Come on, that's bloody good! "Rain-deer." 191 00:10:26,711 --> 00:10:30,671 But lichen, "liken, litchen," however you want to say it. 192 00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:33,671 it comes from the Greek, leikhein, to lick, 193 00:10:33,671 --> 00:10:36,271 as limpets they lick rocks, it seems. 194 00:10:36,271 --> 00:10:37,830 That's how people interpret it. 195 00:10:37,830 --> 00:10:40,510 There seems to be no clear consensus as to whether it is lichen. 196 00:10:40,510 --> 00:10:43,550 - Or cane toads. - Or cane toads, exactly. 197 00:10:43,550 --> 00:10:46,310 But as the great performance poet Rory Motion put it, 198 00:10:46,310 --> 00:10:50,110 "You call it liken, I call it lichen, let's call the whole thing moss." 199 00:10:50,110 --> 00:10:51,750 AUDIENCE GROAN 200 00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:54,270 Now what's... 201 00:10:54,270 --> 00:10:59,629 What's long, begins with L and gets you sleepy, horny and pregnant? 202 00:10:59,629 --> 00:11:01,949 - Suggsie. - Lunch. 203 00:11:04,069 --> 00:11:05,509 Well, that's pretty true. 204 00:11:05,509 --> 00:11:08,589 How do you know the pet name I've got for my penis? 205 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,108 That's just terrible. 206 00:11:12,108 --> 00:11:13,708 Is it Larry? 207 00:11:13,708 --> 00:11:15,588 Is it Larry? 208 00:11:17,108 --> 00:11:19,828 "Meet Larry." 209 00:11:19,828 --> 00:11:22,028 I would think it's probably Lancelot. 210 00:11:24,228 --> 00:11:27,068 Oh, my goodness! 211 00:11:27,068 --> 00:11:31,547 Well, it's actually called Lancelot, because of all the boils. 212 00:11:31,547 --> 00:11:34,907 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 213 00:11:36,067 --> 00:11:39,667 Hey, they booked me - what were they hoping for? 214 00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:41,667 So it's horny, sleepy...? 215 00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,827 Horny, sleepy, pregnant, yeah. 216 00:11:43,827 --> 00:11:45,706 Is it, it sounds like Rohypnol. 217 00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:46,786 No. 218 00:11:46,786 --> 00:11:48,386 Lying down? 219 00:11:48,386 --> 00:11:50,786 Lying down would kind of make you feel all those things. 220 00:11:50,786 --> 00:11:52,346 This is a foodstuff. 221 00:11:52,346 --> 00:11:54,946 - That makes you pregnant. - Leeks. 222 00:11:54,946 --> 00:11:56,946 Leeks, good, good, you're in the right area, 223 00:11:56,946 --> 00:12:00,906 - you're in the vegetable garden. That's where I want you to be. - Legumes? 224 00:12:01,985 --> 00:12:03,745 - Lettuce. - Lettuce. 225 00:12:03,745 --> 00:12:06,665 - Lettuce is the right answer. - What? - Lettuce. 226 00:12:06,665 --> 00:12:11,985 Ooh, look at that. Phwoar! Oh, Stephen, oh! 227 00:12:11,985 --> 00:12:13,825 This is a family show, take it away. 228 00:12:13,825 --> 00:12:16,745 Imagine if those Inuits were here now, eh - forget the lichen, 229 00:12:16,745 --> 00:12:18,545 - let me at that. - What? 230 00:12:18,545 --> 00:12:22,704 I would ride that like a stolen bike. 231 00:12:22,704 --> 00:12:24,504 You're bad. 232 00:12:24,504 --> 00:12:26,344 Who gets horny looking at lettuce? 233 00:12:26,344 --> 00:12:28,104 Are you now pregnant? 234 00:12:28,104 --> 00:12:31,864 Hippocrates, the father of medicine, 235 00:12:31,864 --> 00:12:35,863 as was known, his name lives on in the Hippocratic oath, which is, 236 00:12:35,863 --> 00:12:39,583 "Oh, fuck, I've killed him again!" 237 00:12:39,583 --> 00:12:41,863 Again? 238 00:12:41,863 --> 00:12:45,463 - I've killed another. - I've killed another, that's what I meant to say. 239 00:12:45,463 --> 00:12:48,703 Hippocrates lived on an island which was that shape. 240 00:12:48,703 --> 00:12:50,863 And it was called the island of Cos, 241 00:12:50,863 --> 00:12:55,022 but the island was named after the lettuce, because Cos was the Arabic for lettuce. 242 00:12:55,022 --> 00:12:57,222 Cos, it was the Arabic for lettuce. 243 00:12:57,222 --> 00:12:59,702 ♪ Because, because, because, because, because! ♪ 244 00:12:59,702 --> 00:13:05,142 - He described its opiate qualities, as did Beatrix Potter, in Peter Rabbit. - Soporific? 245 00:13:05,142 --> 00:13:08,662 - Soporific was exactly the word she used, very good. - Indeed. Yes. - Points for that. 246 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:12,381 And they very nearly ended up in Mrs McGregor's rabbit pie as a result of falling asleep. 247 00:13:12,381 --> 00:13:15,181 Anyway, yes, lettuce is slightly soporific-making. 248 00:13:15,181 --> 00:13:17,221 However, it's been bred less and less so. 249 00:13:17,221 --> 00:13:20,181 But wild lettuce in really strong quantities. 250 00:13:20,181 --> 00:13:23,621 Rather than, Claudia, it making you feel sleepy, it makes you feel...? 251 00:13:23,621 --> 00:13:24,941 Horny. 252 00:13:24,941 --> 00:13:27,860 Horny. Horny. Horny and bouncy. 253 00:13:27,860 --> 00:13:31,220 - Right. We'll see. - And therefore it's a kind of stimulant, which is 254 00:13:31,220 --> 00:13:33,900 tropane alkaloid, which is the same as is found in cocaine. 255 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:37,180 And so it can give you a bit of a kick. 256 00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:40,220 I'm getting down the greengrocers. 257 00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:42,819 Well, they did try and sell it in America under names like 258 00:13:42,819 --> 00:13:45,659 L'Opium, with an L, and an apostrophe - and Lettucene. 259 00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:48,139 But most were made from ordinary garden lettuce. 260 00:13:48,139 --> 00:13:51,419 It has to be wild lettuce that you find. And it shouldn't be fed to rabbits, 261 00:13:51,419 --> 00:13:53,259 cos it upsets their tummies, actually. 262 00:13:53,259 --> 00:13:58,179 Peter Rabbit went back to the garden of the farmer who'd put his own father in a pie. 263 00:13:58,179 --> 00:14:04,058 - Yeah. Mr MacGregor. There's kind of revenge in there. - Don't go down - there, he put your father in a pie. 264 00:14:04,058 --> 00:14:08,938 - Yeah. What he should have said is, - SPANISH ACCENT: "Hello, my name is Don Peter Rabbit. 265 00:14:08,938 --> 00:14:11,138 "You killed my father, prepare to die." 266 00:14:16,258 --> 00:14:19,537 Big lumps of lettuce in one hand, a shooter in the other. 267 00:14:21,857 --> 00:14:25,257 Victorian picnickers wrapped lettuce around what, for picnics? 268 00:14:25,257 --> 00:14:26,977 - Their penises. - Meat? 269 00:14:29,297 --> 00:14:31,657 That's, if in doubt, it's going to be a knob. 270 00:14:31,657 --> 00:14:35,096 - It is a knob. The word knob is used with this substance. - Butter? 271 00:14:35,096 --> 00:14:38,496 Yes! That's absolutely right. They'd wrap it round butter to keep it cool. Yeah. 272 00:14:38,496 --> 00:14:39,736 Yeah, there it is. 273 00:14:39,736 --> 00:14:43,136 - What do they wrap round their penises? - I don't know. - Butter. 274 00:14:43,136 --> 00:14:46,416 And don't new mothers put cabbage leaves in their bras to 275 00:14:46,416 --> 00:14:50,775 - cool their cracked, sore nipples? - Yep. 276 00:14:50,775 --> 00:14:53,695 - I didn't know that, is that true? - Yeah. 277 00:14:53,695 --> 00:14:57,055 Cracking... Cracking of the nipple is not a laughing matter. 278 00:14:57,055 --> 00:14:59,895 - No, I wouldn't want... - Not a laughing matter. - Oh, ouch. 279 00:14:59,895 --> 00:15:02,975 And it doesn't make the baby any less hungry. 280 00:15:02,975 --> 00:15:05,935 And is it any easier if you express into a machine, or is that worse? 281 00:15:05,935 --> 00:15:07,054 Well... 282 00:15:09,854 --> 00:15:11,574 I don't know all the details. 283 00:15:11,574 --> 00:15:12,774 No. 284 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,734 You agree to do two-thirds of the nappy work, 285 00:15:16,734 --> 00:15:19,974 quite a lot of the driving round in a car when it's screaming. 286 00:15:19,974 --> 00:15:22,694 I just remember the "Argh, ooh, argh!" 287 00:15:22,694 --> 00:15:25,293 But it's a great way for new mums to express themselves. 288 00:15:25,293 --> 00:15:27,413 Quite. 289 00:15:27,413 --> 00:15:30,853 You're really groany today. 290 00:15:30,853 --> 00:15:32,773 Just a joke. Relax. 291 00:15:33,973 --> 00:15:37,253 Anyway, lettuce is good for all sorts of things, 292 00:15:37,253 --> 00:15:39,213 except rabbits, apparently. 293 00:15:39,213 --> 00:15:41,932 What's the world's longest experiment? 294 00:15:41,932 --> 00:15:44,612 QI. 295 00:15:44,612 --> 00:15:47,212 That's certainly possibly the world's longest failed experiment. 296 00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:52,012 I've definitely had a couple of double physics on a Wednesday afternoon that dragged. 297 00:15:52,012 --> 00:15:53,932 Hmm, I know what you mean. 298 00:15:53,932 --> 00:15:56,172 This is really quite long for one experiment. 299 00:15:56,172 --> 00:15:58,131 If I tell you when it started, 300 00:15:58,131 --> 00:15:59,851 it may give you an idea of how old it is. 301 00:15:59,851 --> 00:16:02,651 It was started in 1840, at least that's what we think. 302 00:16:02,651 --> 00:16:06,131 It may actually have begun 15 years earlier than that. 303 00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,011 And is it still, it's not still going? 304 00:16:08,011 --> 00:16:09,211 It's still going. Yeah. 305 00:16:09,211 --> 00:16:12,771 - Is it on animals? - I think they've got to just call a day on that, haven't they? 306 00:16:12,771 --> 00:16:15,690 Just, that homework is going to be late, is all we know for sure. 307 00:16:15,690 --> 00:16:19,930 - Oh, is it curing the common cold? - No, if I said it was a pile, does that help you? 308 00:16:19,930 --> 00:16:22,610 Oh, is it? It's not like continental drift or something, is it? 309 00:16:22,610 --> 00:16:25,050 No, the word "pile" - what does it mean in French? 310 00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:26,170 Oh, pile. 311 00:16:26,170 --> 00:16:28,170 Pile. Yes, in English how would we say that? 312 00:16:28,170 --> 00:16:31,489 JIMMY DOES FRENCH IMPRESSION 313 00:16:31,489 --> 00:16:34,969 Yeah. Battery, the French call the battery a pile, a pile, a heap, a stack. 314 00:16:34,969 --> 00:16:38,329 And this one is in Oxford, in a scientific laboratory 315 00:16:38,329 --> 00:16:40,249 and has been there since 1840. 316 00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:43,449 And as you can see, below it are two domes and a clanger. 317 00:16:43,449 --> 00:16:46,849 And when one clanger hits a bell, it causes a charge to make it go 318 00:16:46,849 --> 00:16:48,288 and hit the other one. 319 00:16:48,288 --> 00:16:50,608 It's rung ten billion times since it was started. 320 00:16:50,608 --> 00:16:52,888 Oh, it's annoying for the neighbours, isn't it? 321 00:16:52,888 --> 00:16:55,048 Fortunately, it's incredibly quiet, 322 00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:56,728 because it's inside a double bell jar. 323 00:16:56,728 --> 00:16:59,608 But the actual battery won't run out for 350 years, they think. 324 00:16:59,608 --> 00:17:03,528 Really? Is someone periodically taking it out and doing that with it? 325 00:17:03,528 --> 00:17:05,487 No. It's not like static electricity. 326 00:17:05,487 --> 00:17:07,727 Are they licking it? How are they keeping it...? 327 00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:11,287 They're not quite sure exactly what it's made of, because he didn't make notes. 328 00:17:11,287 --> 00:17:13,007 He wasn't like... Dr Jekyll. 329 00:17:13,007 --> 00:17:17,207 - You have to. - I know. - Aim, method, apparatus. 330 00:17:17,207 --> 00:17:19,447 Yeah, I know, you're supposed to keep good notes. 331 00:17:19,447 --> 00:17:22,366 But this was a reverend doctor of experimental philosophy, 332 00:17:22,366 --> 00:17:24,766 which is what they called physics in those days. 333 00:17:24,766 --> 00:17:26,926 He didn't keep those kind of good notes. 334 00:17:26,926 --> 00:17:30,326 350 years. Could these people get in touch with Apple? 335 00:17:30,326 --> 00:17:33,846 Because my phone runs out like about every hour. 336 00:17:33,846 --> 00:17:35,886 I don't think you need worry, there's some good 337 00:17:35,886 --> 00:17:38,525 scientists in Israel who've come up with an extraordinary, 338 00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:41,965 almost you might call biological battery, which they've demonstrated 339 00:17:41,965 --> 00:17:45,845 the concept by charging a phone in 45 seconds, fully charging it. 340 00:17:45,845 --> 00:17:47,765 Really very impressive. 341 00:17:47,765 --> 00:17:50,125 It will be ready to go to market in a couple of years. 342 00:17:50,125 --> 00:17:52,565 I'm very impressed with 350-year battery life. 343 00:17:52,565 --> 00:17:55,964 It is damn good, but it's a tiny amount that's needed in order to operate. 344 00:17:55,964 --> 00:17:58,484 They could have done something more interesting with it. 345 00:17:58,484 --> 00:18:01,964 - I mean, say what you want about the Duracell bunny, it's fun to watch. - You're right. 346 00:18:01,964 --> 00:18:03,724 It has a lovely clang and it goes, you know, something. 347 00:18:03,724 --> 00:18:06,964 The Guinness Book of Records, however, gives as the longest experiment 348 00:18:06,964 --> 00:18:10,004 something that is happening down under, which started in the 1920s. 349 00:18:10,004 --> 00:18:12,963 Which is a lot more recent, 120 years more recent. 350 00:18:12,963 --> 00:18:15,523 - FLY BUZZES - Yep? - Is it... Is it Neighbours? 351 00:18:23,043 --> 00:18:26,603 A grotesque social experiment that went horribly wrong. 352 00:18:26,603 --> 00:18:29,962 Turned out to be a documentary all along. 353 00:18:29,962 --> 00:18:32,762 And Madge was created. 354 00:18:33,962 --> 00:18:37,842 Professor Thomas Parnell of the University of Queensland has shown 355 00:18:37,842 --> 00:18:40,522 that apparently solid materials can flow like liquids, 356 00:18:40,522 --> 00:18:45,242 and he chose pitch, which was used when hot as a sort of tar-like substance, 357 00:18:45,242 --> 00:18:48,241 but when it's chilled down it becomes incredibly brittle. 358 00:18:48,241 --> 00:18:51,481 If you hit it with a hammer it would shatter into thousands of pieces. 359 00:18:51,481 --> 00:18:55,361 But he wanted to prove that it was liquid, so he suspended some over a funnel, 360 00:18:55,361 --> 00:18:57,761 and at room temperature it's moving very slowly, 361 00:18:57,761 --> 00:19:00,321 it's about 100 billion times more viscous than water. 362 00:19:00,321 --> 00:19:02,480 The pitch drop it is called, the experiment. 363 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,200 Now, unfortunately, this really is... 364 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:07,320 I think they use that in McDonald's milkshakes. 365 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:11,080 I have a feeling they have a little bit of it in there, cos sometimes it can be quite... 366 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:13,680 And the brain freeze that goes with it, exactly. Yeah. 367 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:16,960 It has actually dropped nine times in 87 years. It's once a decade. 368 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,639 It's exciting, isn't it? Are there many people still watching? 369 00:19:20,639 --> 00:19:25,199 No, the first eight all happened at a time when nobody was watching. 370 00:19:25,199 --> 00:19:29,799 And the eighth was being recorded by video camera, but it malfunctioned at the critical moment. 371 00:19:29,799 --> 00:19:35,359 And the ninth drop in 2014 snapped off because the apparatus was being adjusted, so it doesn't count. 372 00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:36,878 So that's a very long experiment, 373 00:19:36,878 --> 00:19:40,318 but one which really, unfortunately has never been observed, which is a pity. 374 00:19:40,318 --> 00:19:43,238 - When will they stop it? - I don't think they will. I think... 375 00:19:43,238 --> 00:19:46,718 I mean, I don't want to have a go at Queensland, but I don't think there's a lot else going on. 376 00:19:46,718 --> 00:19:50,438 I think, let's just stick with this. Cane toads, that's a big problem. 377 00:19:50,438 --> 00:19:54,157 - Cane toads, you can lick a cane toad. - Yeah. What do you mean you can lick a cane toad? 378 00:19:54,157 --> 00:19:58,597 - You hallucinate. - Do you? - Yeah, if you lick the back of the cane toad. 379 00:19:58,597 --> 00:20:01,437 Who found that out, how many toads had they licked? 380 00:20:01,437 --> 00:20:03,717 "This one's good!" 381 00:20:03,717 --> 00:20:06,557 I was told when I was a boy that if you took the wax from a dog's ear 382 00:20:06,557 --> 00:20:09,876 and rubbed it on the engine of a motorcycle, 383 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:15,076 it would melt and go up into you and give you incredible hallucinations. 384 00:20:15,076 --> 00:20:17,836 I tried it and it didn't work. I think someone was... 385 00:20:17,836 --> 00:20:21,476 I think you were hallucinating when you dreamt someone told you that. 386 00:20:21,476 --> 00:20:25,436 I think someone was pulling my leg. You know how it is when kids go, "apparently..." 387 00:20:25,436 --> 00:20:29,635 I just love the idea of you with a Q-Tip and a dog going, "Come on. Come on. 388 00:20:29,635 --> 00:20:32,395 "Here, boy. Daddy needs to get high." 389 00:20:32,395 --> 00:20:34,995 You must have done that when you were a kid, surely. 390 00:20:34,995 --> 00:20:37,075 I don't know about the earwax from dogs, no. 391 00:20:37,075 --> 00:20:41,315 There was a certain... It was drying banana skins and smoking that, it was pretty unpleasant. 392 00:20:41,315 --> 00:20:45,554 And then of course I joined a rock and roll band, and things changed quite dramatically. 393 00:20:45,554 --> 00:20:48,994 Yes. You sobered up completely. 394 00:20:48,994 --> 00:20:51,714 So, excellent. Yeah. There you go. 395 00:20:51,714 --> 00:20:53,554 That's the Clarendon Dry Pile, 396 00:20:53,554 --> 00:20:56,274 the world's longest scientific experiment. 397 00:20:56,274 --> 00:21:00,513 It's been quietly ringing bells in the City of Dreaming Spires for 174 years. 398 00:21:00,513 --> 00:21:05,233 What use is half a copy of the Daily Telegraph? That's a very pleasing photograph. 399 00:21:05,233 --> 00:21:08,153 Makes your butt look good. Look at that, that looks good. 400 00:21:08,153 --> 00:21:11,873 Yes, it does, doesn't it? That is a fine, fine pair of nates. 401 00:21:11,873 --> 00:21:15,833 Footballers used to put magazines down the back of their socks, 402 00:21:15,833 --> 00:21:18,912 in the days when you were allowed to tackle from behind. 403 00:21:18,912 --> 00:21:22,672 - Well, that's interesting. So to stop them getting hacked. - Where they got kicked in the legs. 404 00:21:22,672 --> 00:21:26,952 - Is it, well, they used to put newspaper, fish and chips were... - Yes. - ..sold in newspaper, 405 00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:29,792 and it was because it was the cheapest way to get a clean wrapper. 406 00:21:29,792 --> 00:21:31,952 Absolutely, but I'll draw a line now, 407 00:21:31,952 --> 00:21:34,071 because you'll get it just by default. 408 00:21:34,071 --> 00:21:35,991 It's the Spend A Penny question. 409 00:21:35,991 --> 00:21:39,671 - The lavatorial answer. - So half a copy of the... - Daily Telegraph. 410 00:21:39,671 --> 00:21:42,591 - Wow, that's a lot going on... - I know what you're thinking of, 411 00:21:42,591 --> 00:21:46,191 you're immediately thinking of essuyage, of wiping, aren't you? 412 00:21:46,191 --> 00:21:47,511 That's not the answer. 413 00:21:47,511 --> 00:21:52,030 I'm thinking of something else. At football matches when I was a kid, when people stood, 414 00:21:52,030 --> 00:21:55,110 there was, I think more than an apocryphal side of the fact that 415 00:21:55,110 --> 00:21:58,550 when something warm ran down the back of your leg, there was a fella, 416 00:21:58,550 --> 00:22:01,430 two people behind you peeing in a rolled up newspaper. 417 00:22:01,430 --> 00:22:03,630 So you got past the person in front of you. 418 00:22:03,630 --> 00:22:07,469 He got the blame, but it was the bloke behind him who was actually peeing. 419 00:22:07,469 --> 00:22:10,189 You're too squashed in to do anything about it, 420 00:22:10,189 --> 00:22:13,669 but it wasn't that, obviously, and it wouldn't have been the Telegraph at the Chelsea Shed. 421 00:22:13,669 --> 00:22:17,149 - No, I don't think so! - That's where it all went wrong. 422 00:22:17,149 --> 00:22:21,349 It was used until the 1970s as a test, as an index, to test? 423 00:22:21,349 --> 00:22:24,708 - Oh, if it could flush away. - Yes? - The length of time spent on... 424 00:22:24,708 --> 00:22:29,828 - Not that, that's a very good... - But if you put it down the toilet, flush that away... - If you could flush it. 425 00:22:29,828 --> 00:22:32,828 A lavatory had to be powerful enough to be able to flush down half 426 00:22:32,828 --> 00:22:34,268 a Daily Telegraph. 427 00:22:34,268 --> 00:22:36,588 - That's quite a lot to flush away, isn't it? - Yeah. 428 00:22:36,588 --> 00:22:39,028 - It's a lot to flush, isn't it? - It is, it is. And it's... 429 00:22:39,028 --> 00:22:41,667 Hell of a lot of shit in the Daily Telegraph. 430 00:22:41,667 --> 00:22:43,947 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 431 00:22:43,947 --> 00:22:45,467 - Very good. - Boom, boom. 432 00:22:45,467 --> 00:22:48,107 Ha, ha, nice one. 433 00:22:48,107 --> 00:22:51,267 - Not a unanimous round of applause, I noticed. - Not unanimous, no. 434 00:22:51,267 --> 00:22:54,307 They now use a synthetic sludge stimulant. 435 00:22:54,307 --> 00:22:56,507 - SUGGS: What, to read? - No! 436 00:22:56,507 --> 00:22:58,866 - Christ! - No, that would do it. 437 00:22:58,866 --> 00:23:01,786 - It's in the Daily Mail. - Yeah, that's the Daily Mail. 438 00:23:01,786 --> 00:23:06,026 - No, it's... - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 439 00:23:08,986 --> 00:23:10,506 It's synthetic sludge stimulant, 440 00:23:10,506 --> 00:23:13,586 a mixture of yeast, water, seed husks, peanut oil, 441 00:23:13,586 --> 00:23:17,225 miso paste and shredded tissue, otherwise known as fake poo. 442 00:23:17,225 --> 00:23:20,505 Unilever developed it for their Domex Toilet Academy, 443 00:23:20,505 --> 00:23:21,625 which is in India. 444 00:23:21,625 --> 00:23:25,905 They hope to be able to install 24,000 new lavatories in India, 445 00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,945 for World Toilet Day, 2015. 446 00:23:28,945 --> 00:23:33,184 It's a very important thing though, a third of the world's population don't have a flushing toilet. 447 00:23:33,184 --> 00:23:37,584 Absolutely. In India, a staggering 90% of Indians own a mobile phone, 448 00:23:37,584 --> 00:23:39,584 but only 50% have flush loos. 449 00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:41,624 - Yeah. - Priorities, and it's all priorities. 450 00:23:41,624 --> 00:23:44,544 According to insurance claims, a staggering 800,000 mobile phones 451 00:23:44,544 --> 00:23:48,703 - are accidentally flushed down the loo in Britain each year. - At least they don't have that problem. 452 00:23:48,703 --> 00:23:50,303 Quite, exactly. 453 00:23:50,303 --> 00:23:53,823 - So... - They just needed a packet of vegetarian sausages, take it from me. - Really? 454 00:23:53,823 --> 00:23:57,143 - That would probably be the closest poo replica you can find. - Yes. 455 00:23:57,143 --> 00:24:00,863 - But they're absolutely delicious. - I'm sure they are. 456 00:24:00,863 --> 00:24:03,423 So let's go to the Victorians, who are, of course, as always, 457 00:24:03,423 --> 00:24:05,382 more ambitious when it came to the loos. 458 00:24:05,382 --> 00:24:08,422 George Jennings, he was the man. His pedestal vase. 459 00:24:08,422 --> 00:24:10,822 He flushed down, to show its capacity, 460 00:24:10,822 --> 00:24:12,462 ten apples, four pieces of paper, 461 00:24:12,462 --> 00:24:15,222 a flat sponge and an apprentice's cap. 462 00:24:15,222 --> 00:24:19,342 Swept away in a single flash at the public debut of his pedestal vase. 463 00:24:19,342 --> 00:24:21,621 It's like The Very Hungry Caterpillar. 464 00:24:23,701 --> 00:24:28,541 He install the first-ever public lavatories for the Great Exhibition in 1851. 465 00:24:28,541 --> 00:24:33,621 It was a great success and the loos had 827,280 visitors. 466 00:24:33,621 --> 00:24:35,741 How would they know it was that number? 467 00:24:35,741 --> 00:24:40,020 - Counting. - Goodness me. - To count everyone who goes - to the loo is just ridiculous. 468 00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:42,060 But there's another thing you can count. 469 00:24:42,060 --> 00:24:45,620 The amount of water you use? the right of loo roll you use? 470 00:24:45,620 --> 00:24:47,740 - Penny! - These were the first public loos. 471 00:24:47,740 --> 00:24:51,820 - You paid a penny. - Spend a penny! - They count the pennies. 472 00:24:51,820 --> 00:24:55,539 They counted the pennies and it came to 827,280. 473 00:24:55,539 --> 00:24:59,539 And for that penny you got a clean seat, a towel, a comb, a shoeshine 474 00:24:59,539 --> 00:25:01,939 and a nice hole in the partition, just in case. 475 00:25:01,939 --> 00:25:04,579 Er, no. No. 476 00:25:08,979 --> 00:25:11,938 So, anyway, that was the beginning of the euphemism "to spend a penny." 477 00:25:11,938 --> 00:25:14,578 There it began, and still it goes on in some families. 478 00:25:14,578 --> 00:25:18,178 What would you do with the world's longest corkscrew? 479 00:25:18,178 --> 00:25:21,738 Undo the world's most convivial bottle of wine. 480 00:25:21,738 --> 00:25:24,298 - Well, exactly. That's perfect. - Obviously. 481 00:25:24,298 --> 00:25:26,818 I would make, I would make a sex toy for pigs. 482 00:25:26,818 --> 00:25:28,458 Oh, that's very good. 483 00:25:28,458 --> 00:25:31,577 - Because you know about the fact... - The pig's got a little corkscrew... 484 00:25:31,577 --> 00:25:34,897 - ..a little curly corkscrew of a knoblet. - Not just pigs as well. 485 00:25:34,897 --> 00:25:37,217 - Oh, is it not for taking out plugs... - Ducks. 486 00:25:37,217 --> 00:25:39,897 LAUGHTER 487 00:25:39,897 --> 00:25:42,457 Have you been looking for someone who goes the other way? 488 00:25:42,457 --> 00:25:43,897 As it were. 489 00:25:43,897 --> 00:25:46,376 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 490 00:25:49,976 --> 00:25:51,336 Oh, dear. 491 00:25:51,336 --> 00:25:53,576 - I love it when it's a genuine... - I know! 492 00:25:53,576 --> 00:25:56,856 So, this is a helical structure. It's not really a corkscrew, 493 00:25:56,856 --> 00:25:59,016 but it's the longest that occurs in nature. 494 00:25:59,016 --> 00:26:00,496 And I have one. 495 00:26:00,496 --> 00:26:03,455 I mean, I say I have one, I don't have one growing about my person, 496 00:26:03,455 --> 00:26:06,855 I have one on my person, as it were, now it's on my person. 497 00:26:06,855 --> 00:26:10,615 I can't believe you're being so blase about this, you've killed a unicorn! 498 00:26:10,615 --> 00:26:12,255 - LAUGHTER - Yeah. 499 00:26:12,255 --> 00:26:16,015 - You're a monster! - Oh, JK Rowling gave me permission. 500 00:26:16,015 --> 00:26:17,855 Um, it's not a unicorn, 501 00:26:17,855 --> 00:26:20,294 though some believe the unicorn myth sprang from this... 502 00:26:20,294 --> 00:26:24,094 - Is it the narwhal? - Narwhal! Absolutely right. And... - Very good. 503 00:26:24,094 --> 00:26:26,454 - I'm pretty sure that's made up. - Yeah. - What is a narwhal? 504 00:26:26,454 --> 00:26:29,214 - This guy. - There it is. - What? - I know. Isn't it astonishing? - No way! 505 00:26:29,214 --> 00:26:32,774 You think it's been glued on by someone at the Natural History Unit in Bristol, 506 00:26:32,774 --> 00:26:34,774 but it is a real creature. 507 00:26:34,774 --> 00:26:38,733 It's a whale, and the word narwhal means dead body, 'Nar' in Norse, 508 00:26:38,733 --> 00:26:41,533 because it's a rather grey, unappetising-looking flesh. 509 00:26:41,533 --> 00:26:45,133 But what do you think it is? Do you think it's horn, or tooth, or what? 510 00:26:45,133 --> 00:26:48,853 - I imagine it's hair, always hair, isn't it? - In this case it isn't, - it is actually a tooth. 511 00:26:48,853 --> 00:26:52,453 It's a tooth without enamel. It is a single tooth that bursts out of it. 512 00:26:52,453 --> 00:26:53,812 I mean, it's phenomenal. 513 00:26:53,812 --> 00:26:56,932 And nobody quite knows, A, why it's corkscrewed 514 00:26:56,932 --> 00:26:58,412 and what it's for. 515 00:26:58,412 --> 00:27:00,772 The assumption people make, because it's on the male, 516 00:27:00,772 --> 00:27:03,932 must be that it's for fighting other males for the right to mate. 517 00:27:03,932 --> 00:27:06,572 But nobody's ever observed two... Oh, well, hang on... 518 00:27:06,572 --> 00:27:09,132 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 519 00:27:12,131 --> 00:27:14,331 No. They rub them together as a bonding thing, 520 00:27:14,331 --> 00:27:16,531 it's not fighting, they don't hurt each other. 521 00:27:16,531 --> 00:27:20,691 - Rub them together as a bonding sort of thing? - Yeah. - That's right. - They've been to private school. 522 00:27:20,691 --> 00:27:24,331 Keep telling yourself that, Stephen, I don't know who you're fooling. 523 00:27:24,331 --> 00:27:26,530 SUGGS: It's the only way they ever get to chew. 524 00:27:26,530 --> 00:27:28,450 They get a grape between them and kind of... 525 00:27:28,450 --> 00:27:31,930 - They're very much the Ken Dodd of the oceans. - They are, aren't they? 526 00:27:31,930 --> 00:27:33,930 They actually eat their food by hoovering it up 527 00:27:33,930 --> 00:27:35,610 and just inhaling it, virtually. 528 00:27:35,610 --> 00:27:38,010 They're not krill eaters, like a lot of the larger whales. 529 00:27:38,010 --> 00:27:40,090 The most common form of death, which is strange, 530 00:27:40,090 --> 00:27:42,650 cos you might think they could get out of it with this, 531 00:27:42,650 --> 00:27:44,049 is they get trapped under the ice. 532 00:27:44,049 --> 00:27:47,529 Massive entrapments can sometimes kill as many as 100, which is very sad. 533 00:27:47,529 --> 00:27:49,809 And they're called sassats, these entrapments. 534 00:27:49,809 --> 00:27:53,009 You'd think maybe they could get them down and poke up. 535 00:27:53,009 --> 00:27:55,129 - Exactly, twist open a hole in the ice. - Yes. 536 00:27:55,129 --> 00:27:57,689 But it's fascinating that a creature like that, you know, 537 00:27:57,689 --> 00:28:00,648 we think we cover the world with our natural history documentaries, 538 00:28:00,648 --> 00:28:02,648 there are whole channels devoted to it, 539 00:28:02,648 --> 00:28:05,248 and people go out in boats and they're quietly watching. 540 00:28:05,248 --> 00:28:07,768 But we still just don't know what that's for. 541 00:28:07,768 --> 00:28:10,568 That's...I think it's nice when there's a mystery about animals. 542 00:28:10,568 --> 00:28:16,168 We're very grateful to Raff Fells, who lent us his snooker cue, and... 543 00:28:16,168 --> 00:28:19,447 - Maybe they are just attractive to the female whales. - It may be that. 544 00:28:19,447 --> 00:28:23,127 - Yeah, it may just be that. - It may be like, ooh, I like your one. - Yeah. 545 00:28:23,127 --> 00:28:28,807 - It must be awful when you have to give birth to a boy one. - Ooh! 546 00:28:28,807 --> 00:28:33,527 - I think it grows. I hope. - Let's hope it grows afterwards. 547 00:28:33,527 --> 00:28:38,166 Yes, anyway. What has a long tail and loses long jumps? 548 00:28:38,166 --> 00:28:39,966 SAX PLAYS 549 00:28:39,966 --> 00:28:43,286 Oh, dear! Seems to be getting worse. Yes? 550 00:28:43,286 --> 00:28:45,806 The conga. The human conga. 551 00:28:45,806 --> 00:28:47,806 Of course, you are famous for your congas. 552 00:28:47,806 --> 00:28:51,805 Not the conga. But a particular person 553 00:28:51,805 --> 00:28:55,605 who had long hair and lost a long jump. It's that simple. 554 00:28:55,605 --> 00:29:01,525 My little boy said to me this morning, he's two, he came up to me and he goes, "I'm a dog." 555 00:29:01,525 --> 00:29:06,405 "I'm a dog." And I said, "Can you wag your tail?" 556 00:29:06,405 --> 00:29:08,844 And he said, "I haven't got a tail." 557 00:29:08,844 --> 00:29:12,004 I said, "You haven't got a tail?" He goes, "I'm not a real dog." 558 00:29:14,004 --> 00:29:15,924 I like the way he thinks. 559 00:29:17,484 --> 00:29:23,244 - They have trained him well. - I do love him so. - Aww! 560 00:29:23,244 --> 00:29:27,963 - It's animal kingdom? - It's in the animal kingdom, it's human, I'll give you that. 561 00:29:27,963 --> 00:29:31,963 - And it had a long tail? - Mmm. Which made them lose the long jump. 562 00:29:31,963 --> 00:29:35,443 - The tail... The tail lands in the sand. - Yes. 563 00:29:35,443 --> 00:29:40,083 - And makes your jump shorter. - Exactly. What sort of tail would that be? 564 00:29:40,083 --> 00:29:42,962 - Ponytail. - Ponytail. Yes, and there she is. 565 00:29:42,962 --> 00:29:48,442 She made a fantastic jump in the World Championship in 2011. It was 6.9 metres. 566 00:29:48,442 --> 00:29:52,322 She was from Belarus, her name was Nastassia Mironchyk-Ivanova. 567 00:29:52,322 --> 00:29:54,962 And there you can see exactly what happened. 568 00:29:54,962 --> 00:29:59,321 A great jump, and that tail counts, I'm afraid, so she came fourth on that basis. 569 00:29:59,321 --> 00:30:00,841 Still a good jump. 570 00:30:00,841 --> 00:30:05,921 It looks to me, that photo on the left, it looks as if she is treating that sandpit like a cat would. 571 00:30:10,081 --> 00:30:13,241 But long jump doesn't seem to have changed much. 572 00:30:13,241 --> 00:30:16,960 Run along, you bounce off the wooden or whatever it is made of these days, 573 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,480 and you fly through the air and you jump. 574 00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:22,920 Can you think of any innovations that might have been tried? 575 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:25,480 It used to be, in the first Olympics, it was a standing jump, wasn't it? 576 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:27,200 It was the standing jump, yes. 577 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:32,359 But in terms of long jump, they did try a rather obvious innovation to make them go further. 578 00:30:32,359 --> 00:30:34,319 SUGGS: Marshmallows. 579 00:30:34,319 --> 00:30:37,319 JIMMY: Custard would be interesting, wouldn't it? Custard. 580 00:30:37,319 --> 00:30:41,399 It was the jumpers themselves who tried it. They were banned by the International Athletic Federation. 581 00:30:41,399 --> 00:30:44,399 - Springs. - No, that would be good. 582 00:30:44,399 --> 00:30:48,558 Springs, I like that. Very Beano, somehow, isn't I? Very comic. 583 00:30:48,558 --> 00:30:50,198 Steroids. 584 00:30:52,318 --> 00:30:55,398 What did Dick Fosbury do to the high jump? He revolutionised it. 585 00:30:55,398 --> 00:30:58,998 - He jumped over backwards. - He jumped over backwards, it caused the Fosbury flop. 586 00:30:58,998 --> 00:31:01,398 - Were they jumping forwards? - Exactly. 587 00:31:01,398 --> 00:31:02,678 They dived. 588 00:31:02,678 --> 00:31:04,678 They tried to somersault in the air, 589 00:31:04,678 --> 00:31:06,917 like someone who has just scored a goal. 590 00:31:06,917 --> 00:31:09,997 And they found that that got them further. 591 00:31:09,997 --> 00:31:12,397 Unfortunately they tried kind of off-season, 592 00:31:12,397 --> 00:31:16,837 - and the International Amateur Athletics Federation... - Landed on their heads. 593 00:31:16,837 --> 00:31:21,956 ..saw it happening and ruled, in rule 185.1C, as you well know, 594 00:31:21,956 --> 00:31:27,276 that an athlete fails if he employs any form of somersaulting whilst running up or in the act of jumping 595 00:31:27,276 --> 00:31:29,716 because they thought it was so far off the original. 596 00:31:29,716 --> 00:31:31,796 And in fact they would have done that to Fosbury, 597 00:31:31,796 --> 00:31:35,396 if Fosbury hadn't been smart enough to save his flop for the actual Olympic Games. 598 00:31:35,396 --> 00:31:38,915 He was awarded a gold medal, so it was too late for them to change it. 599 00:31:38,915 --> 00:31:42,115 So if you turn up now with giant marshmallows tied to your feet, on the day, 600 00:31:42,115 --> 00:31:43,955 there's nothing they can do about it. 601 00:31:43,955 --> 00:31:45,875 On the day they can't touch you. 602 00:31:45,875 --> 00:31:47,875 Anyway, what human endurance record 603 00:31:47,875 --> 00:31:51,435 - gets broken every eight months? - Pregnancy. 604 00:31:51,435 --> 00:31:53,515 LAUGHTER 605 00:31:53,515 --> 00:31:55,195 Just stop and think now. 606 00:31:55,195 --> 00:31:57,394 How is that an endurance record? 607 00:31:57,394 --> 00:32:00,514 Every eight months, on average, the world's oldest person... 608 00:32:00,514 --> 00:32:03,554 - Dies. Or something like that. - Brilliant Claudia, absolutely right. 609 00:32:03,554 --> 00:32:07,034 Every eight months on average, yeah, the world's oldest person dies. 610 00:32:07,034 --> 00:32:10,154 At the moment they may be the oldest person in the world somewhere in, 611 00:32:10,154 --> 00:32:12,513 I don't know, Kazakhstan, or somewhere. 612 00:32:12,513 --> 00:32:14,673 - There are certain places... - It's normally Japan. 613 00:32:14,673 --> 00:32:17,353 - Well, Japan is... - It's always Japan. - ..Japan, Costa Rica, 614 00:32:17,353 --> 00:32:19,833 nearly always near the sea. Sardinia is another place. 615 00:32:19,833 --> 00:32:23,513 - Bournemouth. - Bournemouth, maybe. - LAUGHTER 616 00:32:23,513 --> 00:32:26,953 Who's that? Do you remember her? She is a very extraordinary exception, 617 00:32:26,953 --> 00:32:29,352 who stayed the oldest person for a very long time. 618 00:32:29,352 --> 00:32:32,432 She died in 1997, aged 122 619 00:32:32,432 --> 00:32:36,112 and 164 days, so 122 and a third and the rest. 620 00:32:36,112 --> 00:32:39,872 She was a smoker and she hogged pole position for more than two years. 621 00:32:39,872 --> 00:32:42,672 She died in '97, she knew van Gogh. 622 00:32:42,672 --> 00:32:44,112 And Bruce Forsyth. 623 00:32:44,112 --> 00:32:46,871 - LAUGHTER - And Bruce Forsyth, of course, - absolutely. 624 00:32:46,871 --> 00:32:48,191 She was a fabulous figure. 625 00:32:48,191 --> 00:32:50,431 She said, "the only wrinkle I have, I'm sitting on." 626 00:32:50,431 --> 00:32:53,071 LAUGHTER 627 00:32:53,071 --> 00:32:56,671 But terrific, terrifically humorous and extraordinary woman 628 00:32:56,671 --> 00:32:59,111 and her name was Jeanne Calment. 629 00:32:59,111 --> 00:33:02,391 And that's exactly where she lived, around Arles. Extraordinary. 630 00:33:02,391 --> 00:33:05,030 Lots of olive oil, obviously. That seems to be good. 631 00:33:05,030 --> 00:33:07,990 There are parts of the world where people seem to live unusually long, 632 00:33:07,990 --> 00:33:10,390 they're called "blue zones" and you can see them there. 633 00:33:10,390 --> 00:33:13,990 Loma Linda, Nicoya, Costa Rica, Sardinia, Icaria, 634 00:33:13,990 --> 00:33:16,950 which is where Icarus is said to have dropped into the sea, 635 00:33:16,950 --> 00:33:18,270 and Okinawa. 636 00:33:18,270 --> 00:33:21,589 All of them by the sea, so maybe seafood is a good thing, 637 00:33:21,589 --> 00:33:24,029 and omega 3s which come from, sorry, am I in the way? 638 00:33:24,029 --> 00:33:26,429 - I'm just checking Australia. - Oh, no, I'm afraid... 639 00:33:26,429 --> 00:33:28,549 - Doesn't look good, does not look good. - No luck there. 640 00:33:28,549 --> 00:33:30,389 They say it's less dairy, don't they? 641 00:33:30,389 --> 00:33:33,189 Good red wine, good, sort of, ordinary red wine. 642 00:33:33,189 --> 00:33:36,508 - I'll tell you where a great place to live is, the sea. - Yes. 643 00:33:36,508 --> 00:33:39,148 LAUGHTER 644 00:33:39,148 --> 00:33:41,428 - It really feels like... - That's very blue. 645 00:33:41,428 --> 00:33:43,548 - ..it really feels like you could last there. - Yeah. 646 00:33:43,548 --> 00:33:45,988 - Highly blue. - Dry land seems to be holding us back. 647 00:33:45,988 --> 00:33:49,348 Is it genuinely a scientific fact about bringing booze home from your holiday 648 00:33:49,348 --> 00:33:51,468 that makes it taste different when you get home? 649 00:33:51,468 --> 00:33:54,227 - I know, it does. - The most delicious old plonk 650 00:33:54,227 --> 00:33:57,947 when you're sitting on the beach, you get it home, and your neighbours' teeth fall out. 651 00:33:57,947 --> 00:34:00,907 - It's so true. - There's like, there's only a couple of tastes, 652 00:34:00,907 --> 00:34:03,747 but there's a million different flavours, because it's the nose, 653 00:34:03,747 --> 00:34:07,667 and what you're smelling when you're on holiday is the beach and there's other things around. 654 00:34:07,667 --> 00:34:09,227 It's particularly true of cold wine. 655 00:34:09,227 --> 00:34:12,546 And you've got your feet up and you're relaxed and lovely, and it's beautiful, of course. 656 00:34:12,546 --> 00:34:15,386 It's very cold and you're hot, and when it's cold you taste less of it. 657 00:34:15,386 --> 00:34:17,026 Chilled Retsina is a perfect example. 658 00:34:17,026 --> 00:34:21,466 I do remember being on holiday recently in southern Italy, and this delicious chilled rose. 659 00:34:21,466 --> 00:34:24,146 And I said to the fella after much pidgin Italian, 660 00:34:24,146 --> 00:34:26,306 "What is this? It's absolutely fantastic." 661 00:34:26,306 --> 00:34:28,225 He went to his missus and he came back and he went, 662 00:34:28,225 --> 00:34:29,745 "it is wine, signore." 663 00:34:32,545 --> 00:34:36,865 Stupid English pig. What do you think it is? 664 00:34:36,865 --> 00:34:42,625 I was with a couple in Ischia, and they said, this wine is liquid sunshine, they said. 665 00:34:42,625 --> 00:34:45,984 "What's it called?" And they looked at it, Lachryma Christi. 666 00:34:45,984 --> 00:34:48,944 They turned to me and they said, "What does Lachryma Christi mean?" 667 00:34:48,944 --> 00:34:50,584 I said, "It means the tears of Christ." 668 00:34:50,584 --> 00:34:53,024 They went, "My goodness, we shouldn't be drinking this!" 669 00:34:56,344 --> 00:34:59,224 This ought to be valuable. 670 00:34:59,224 --> 00:35:01,463 Bloody hell, he was upset! 671 00:35:03,263 --> 00:35:07,383 He must have been gutted. Did they lose at home? 672 00:35:07,383 --> 00:35:09,783 Anyway, sorry. Very strange. 673 00:35:09,783 --> 00:35:11,583 So, anyway, there we are with age. 674 00:35:11,583 --> 00:35:14,783 Someone breaks the world's oldest living person record every eight months, 675 00:35:14,783 --> 00:35:18,102 which brings us stumbling into the long lost land of General Ignorance. 676 00:35:18,102 --> 00:35:20,022 Fingers on buzzers if you would, please. 677 00:35:20,022 --> 00:35:24,262 - What is cryogenics? - Where they freeze someone's head, right. 678 00:35:24,262 --> 00:35:27,222 - No. - KLAXON SOUNDS 679 00:35:27,222 --> 00:35:29,702 - Ah, you see? Thank you. - No problem at all. 680 00:35:29,702 --> 00:35:32,862 My problem with that is, OK, you get an incredibly wealthy guy, 681 00:35:32,862 --> 00:35:34,821 like your Walt Disney, and you go, 682 00:35:34,821 --> 00:35:39,901 OK, we're going to freeze your head so they can find a cure for what killed you. 683 00:35:39,901 --> 00:35:41,381 Brilliant idea. 684 00:35:41,381 --> 00:35:44,461 Will they be able to find a cure for being decapitated? 685 00:35:45,621 --> 00:35:47,301 So, what is cryogenics, then? 686 00:35:47,301 --> 00:35:50,860 Cryogenics is the study of what happens to things under extreme cold, 687 00:35:50,860 --> 00:35:53,740 almost approaching absolute zero, but it's not 688 00:35:53,740 --> 00:35:57,180 what happens when you freeze people in order to wake them up again later. 689 00:35:57,180 --> 00:36:00,740 Does anyone know what the actual freezing of people is called as opposed to cryogenics? 690 00:36:00,740 --> 00:36:03,940 - Winter. - Cryonics. - Cryonics, well done. Winter, very good! 691 00:36:03,940 --> 00:36:08,099 - Cryonics is the right answer. - Thank you. - Clever you. 692 00:36:10,659 --> 00:36:13,099 So, don't confuse cryonics with cryogenics. 693 00:36:13,099 --> 00:36:15,819 Though it must be said, if you follow the OED online, 694 00:36:15,819 --> 00:36:18,379 they keep up with usage, and in science fiction 695 00:36:18,379 --> 00:36:22,179 they use "cryogenically frozen" to mean cryonically frozen. 696 00:36:22,179 --> 00:36:26,538 But to be precise, because there is a real study, cryogenics which is very important 697 00:36:26,538 --> 00:36:29,338 for superconductivity and other things, and that's cryogenics. 698 00:36:29,338 --> 00:36:31,898 - Also fish fingers. - And for fish fingers. 699 00:36:31,898 --> 00:36:33,738 So, good, excellent. 700 00:36:33,738 --> 00:36:37,178 Can you name a famous person who is kept in cryonic preservation? 701 00:36:37,178 --> 00:36:38,778 GONG SOUNDS 702 00:36:38,778 --> 00:36:40,378 Walt Disney. 703 00:36:40,378 --> 00:36:43,137 KLAXON SOUNDS 704 00:36:43,137 --> 00:36:45,457 You were doing so well! 705 00:36:45,457 --> 00:36:47,977 He was. He definitely was! 706 00:36:47,977 --> 00:36:52,377 - Everyone knows that! - Quite a few people believe in cryonic preservation, 707 00:36:52,377 --> 00:36:53,897 but Walt Disney. I'm sorry. 708 00:36:53,897 --> 00:36:57,857 You need to do that in a more Scottish voice. Once again, more Scottish. 709 00:36:57,857 --> 00:37:03,536 SCOTTISH ACCENT: Quite a few people believe in cryonic preservation, but Walt DISNAE. 710 00:37:03,536 --> 00:37:06,616 APPLAUSE Good! 711 00:37:09,496 --> 00:37:13,136 No. He died of lung cancer in 1966 and was buried at Forest Lawn Cemetery. 712 00:37:13,136 --> 00:37:18,535 And his daughter was astonished by this bizarre urban myth that Walt Disney was cryonically frozen. 713 00:37:18,535 --> 00:37:20,655 She's going to be even more astonished 714 00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:22,575 when he's thawed out and comes back. 715 00:37:22,575 --> 00:37:24,215 Ta da! 716 00:37:24,215 --> 00:37:27,695 There is... Probably the most famous person that was cryonically preserved 717 00:37:27,695 --> 00:37:30,335 was Professor James Bedford of the University of California. 718 00:37:30,335 --> 00:37:32,694 Pretty much the father of cryo-preservation. 719 00:37:32,694 --> 00:37:35,374 We'll have to agree to disagree on the definition of famous. 720 00:37:35,374 --> 00:37:37,294 I know, he's famous in one community. 721 00:37:37,294 --> 00:37:38,814 He's not Miley Cyrus, is he? 722 00:37:40,494 --> 00:37:42,094 Who? 723 00:37:48,693 --> 00:37:50,853 January 12, 1967 he was frozen, 724 00:37:50,853 --> 00:37:55,773 and amongst the cryonics community, January 12 is known as Bedford Day. 725 00:37:55,773 --> 00:37:59,733 That was his name. So he's famous amongst that particular group of people. 726 00:37:59,733 --> 00:38:02,213 Which is not huge, I grant you. 727 00:38:02,213 --> 00:38:06,932 Cryogenics is the study of very cold things, freezing dead people is cryonics. 728 00:38:06,932 --> 00:38:10,172 What colour is the dark side of the moon? 729 00:38:10,172 --> 00:38:13,412 Well, you can't see it, Stephen, so no-one really knows. 730 00:38:13,412 --> 00:38:15,092 Oh, that's not true at all. 731 00:38:15,092 --> 00:38:18,292 The dark side of the moon is the part which is dark when it's... 732 00:38:18,292 --> 00:38:20,892 That dreadful Pink Floyd album that won't go out of the charts. 733 00:38:20,892 --> 00:38:22,771 - That lasted.... - That thing, yeah. 734 00:38:22,771 --> 00:38:25,811 ..a very long time, sold 50 million copies and counting. 735 00:38:25,811 --> 00:38:28,691 But you can see a horned moon or a new moon, 736 00:38:28,691 --> 00:38:30,851 you can see the sliver and then the dark bit. 737 00:38:30,851 --> 00:38:32,651 It reflects, what does it reflect? 738 00:38:32,651 --> 00:38:35,411 It is light, we'll show you a bit of horned moon here. 739 00:38:35,411 --> 00:38:37,011 There's a horned moon 740 00:38:37,011 --> 00:38:41,530 and there's a shine on it that comes as a reflection of the Earth. 741 00:38:41,530 --> 00:38:45,250 So, it's actually a kind of blue, but it's not really blue, 742 00:38:45,250 --> 00:38:48,210 it's turquoise, according to the Mauna Loa lab, 743 00:38:48,210 --> 00:38:49,970 the observatory in Hawaii. 744 00:38:49,970 --> 00:38:51,850 So it has earth-shine, which is turquoise. 745 00:38:51,850 --> 00:38:54,410 That's what the colour of the dark side of the moon is. 746 00:38:54,410 --> 00:38:57,409 - In case you wanted to know. - It's lovely. - Very nice. 747 00:38:57,409 --> 00:38:58,609 At least, I say "the moon," 748 00:38:58,609 --> 00:39:00,409 but how many moons does the earth have? 749 00:39:00,409 --> 00:39:02,929 - Oh, God! - Yeah... - LAUGHTER 750 00:39:02,929 --> 00:39:06,729 BUZZER Most definitely only one. 751 00:39:06,729 --> 00:39:09,289 - Oh, dear. Oh, dear. - Of course. KLAXON SOUNDS 752 00:39:09,289 --> 00:39:11,889 - It had to be that. - Of course. - Yeah. 753 00:39:11,889 --> 00:39:15,328 - It is THE moon, I think I'm with him. - They've changed it. 754 00:39:15,328 --> 00:39:16,968 - KLAXON SOUNDS - They call it... 755 00:39:16,968 --> 00:39:18,528 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 756 00:39:21,168 --> 00:39:23,088 SUGGS: The one and only moon! 757 00:39:23,088 --> 00:39:26,768 - Well, there are moons around, around other planets... - The moon in June, all them songs. 758 00:39:26,768 --> 00:39:30,767 - They're all about "the moon." - There are lots of orbiting objects, - aren't there? 759 00:39:30,767 --> 00:39:33,167 - Some of them are far away. - Lots of orbiting objects, yes. 760 00:39:33,167 --> 00:39:35,967 We gave an argument there were hundreds, last time, to confuse you, 761 00:39:35,967 --> 00:39:40,207 but there's another argument which seems compelling and interesting, which is that there are none. 762 00:39:40,207 --> 00:39:43,247 Which is to say that the moon is not a moon. 763 00:39:43,247 --> 00:39:45,087 - The moon actually qualifies... - Christ! 764 00:39:45,087 --> 00:39:47,646 We've discovered it's turquoise and now it's not there. 765 00:39:47,646 --> 00:39:49,846 - LAUGHTER - No, it's there, 766 00:39:49,846 --> 00:39:52,206 but it maybe qualifies as a planet. 767 00:39:52,206 --> 00:39:53,566 A wanderer, a planet... 768 00:39:53,566 --> 00:39:56,286 Well, the Clangers lived on it, didn't they? We know that. 769 00:39:56,286 --> 00:39:58,206 - Soup Dragon and all that. - That's true. 770 00:39:58,206 --> 00:40:02,366 In order to be a planet, the International Astronomical Union, in 2006, laid down definitions. 771 00:40:02,366 --> 00:40:04,565 These were the ones that booted out Pluto, I think. 772 00:40:04,565 --> 00:40:06,525 - So, it has to orbit the sun... - Right. 773 00:40:06,525 --> 00:40:09,605 ..it has to be massive enough for its own gravity to make it round. 774 00:40:09,605 --> 00:40:13,325 It has to have cleared its neighbourhood of smaller objects. 775 00:40:13,325 --> 00:40:15,565 The moon comfortably fulfils the first two. 776 00:40:15,565 --> 00:40:18,125 On the third it makes more sense to say that the Earth and moon 777 00:40:18,125 --> 00:40:20,444 TOGETHER have cleared their neighbourhood. 778 00:40:20,444 --> 00:40:22,444 The Earth certainly hasn't cleared the moon, 779 00:40:22,444 --> 00:40:25,084 so they are a binary system, like binary stars. 780 00:40:25,084 --> 00:40:28,164 - Like lichen. - Yeah, exactly, exactly. 781 00:40:28,164 --> 00:40:31,164 So, there is a genuine possibility some people... 782 00:40:31,164 --> 00:40:33,004 LAUGHTER 783 00:40:33,004 --> 00:40:35,444 And the sun's gravitational effect on the moon 784 00:40:35,444 --> 00:40:37,123 is more than twice that of the Earth's. 785 00:40:37,123 --> 00:40:39,643 So we don't have nearly as much gravitational effect. 786 00:40:39,643 --> 00:40:41,443 There is a good reason to suspect 787 00:40:41,443 --> 00:40:44,683 that we are actually in possession of a fellow planet. 788 00:40:44,683 --> 00:40:46,843 All them songs binned, eh? 789 00:40:46,843 --> 00:40:51,923 You're a musician. There's a gap in the market. Write a song called The Little Planet Out There. 790 00:40:51,923 --> 00:40:53,442 ♪ Out tonight, the planet... ♪ 791 00:40:53,442 --> 00:40:55,122 Come with me with my planet, Janet. 792 00:40:55,122 --> 00:40:58,322 You know? Come on. The moon in June, and the planet with 793 00:40:58,322 --> 00:41:01,882 Janet Street Porter. 794 00:41:01,882 --> 00:41:03,522 It goes round the earth, though. 795 00:41:03,522 --> 00:41:07,562 - The earth orbits the moon as well. - What? - Yeah. - Does it? - Hmm. 796 00:41:07,562 --> 00:41:10,441 - I know. Go use an astrolabe... - LAUGHTER 797 00:41:10,441 --> 00:41:13,041 So we've been consistently inconsistent about this, 798 00:41:13,041 --> 00:41:16,521 but tonight we're saying that the Earth doesn't have a moon at all. So there. 799 00:41:16,521 --> 00:41:20,041 That was a slightly mean question to end on, so let's have a liquid lark. 800 00:41:20,041 --> 00:41:23,801 I've got some liquid here in the form of our very own QI water, 801 00:41:23,801 --> 00:41:26,321 as you can see. And what I'm going to do is pour some, 802 00:41:26,321 --> 00:41:29,000 I'm going to not use the sporty... Oh, God, I can't even open it. 803 00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:32,400 I'm going to have to use the sporty bit, there we go. Mmm. 804 00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:35,520 - There we go. - That's as much exercise as you get, is it? 805 00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:37,920 LAUGHTER Oh, so sporty. 806 00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:40,680 What we do is we flatten this card on it 807 00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:42,000 and we turn it upside down 808 00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:44,159 and I want you to try and do this if you can. 809 00:41:44,159 --> 00:41:46,999 And, Oh, God, please work, please work, please work, 810 00:41:46,999 --> 00:41:49,679 please work, please work. There you go, holds up. 811 00:41:49,679 --> 00:41:51,239 Hurray. 812 00:41:51,239 --> 00:41:53,599 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 813 00:41:53,599 --> 00:41:57,319 So you should, you should be able to try that. Whoa. 814 00:41:57,319 --> 00:42:00,878 - Terrific, terrific fun. - Yeah. 815 00:42:00,878 --> 00:42:02,758 This could not possibly end in tears. 816 00:42:02,758 --> 00:42:05,878 - No, no, try it, honestly. - It could go on and on. 817 00:42:05,878 --> 00:42:09,238 You just, you just turn it over... 818 00:42:09,238 --> 00:42:11,238 There you are you see, it does work! 819 00:42:11,238 --> 00:42:13,598 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 820 00:42:16,078 --> 00:42:18,757 Hang on, so, hang on. And... 821 00:42:18,757 --> 00:42:20,397 - Yay! - Hurray! 822 00:42:20,397 --> 00:42:22,477 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 823 00:42:22,477 --> 00:42:23,757 Wahey! 824 00:42:27,037 --> 00:42:31,397 And do you want to know something really extraordinary about this? 825 00:42:31,397 --> 00:42:33,437 Watch. This should work. 826 00:42:33,437 --> 00:42:34,956 SUGGS: Oh, leave it out. 827 00:42:34,956 --> 00:42:36,516 GASPING AND APPLAUSE 828 00:42:36,516 --> 00:42:41,116 - JIMMY: Shut up! Shut the front door. - How about that? 829 00:42:41,116 --> 00:42:44,156 - That's pretty amazing, isn't it? - You're actually made of magic. 830 00:42:44,156 --> 00:42:45,276 LAUGHTER 831 00:42:45,276 --> 00:42:47,476 - Go on, let's have a look. - Not bad, is it? 832 00:42:47,476 --> 00:42:49,516 SQUEALING AND APPLAUSE 833 00:42:52,875 --> 00:42:54,755 That's why we gave you these! 834 00:42:54,755 --> 00:42:56,115 Whoa! 835 00:42:56,115 --> 00:42:57,915 LAUGHTER 836 00:42:57,915 --> 00:43:01,155 - Well, hang on a second. - Oh! - What happened there?! 837 00:43:01,155 --> 00:43:04,435 - I know you know JK Rowling, but how is that done? - So, 838 00:43:04,435 --> 00:43:08,914 on that water-bombshell, at long last... 839 00:43:08,914 --> 00:43:13,314 ..at long last it is time for the scores. 840 00:43:13,314 --> 00:43:14,874 And it's pretty exciting. 841 00:43:14,874 --> 00:43:18,714 - In first place, it's Claudia with plus nine. - Oh, my goodness. 842 00:43:18,714 --> 00:43:21,874 WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. 843 00:43:21,874 --> 00:43:22,994 In... 844 00:43:22,994 --> 00:43:25,593 ..second place, 845 00:43:25,593 --> 00:43:27,353 with minus eight, is Alan Davies! 846 00:43:27,353 --> 00:43:30,953 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you very much. 847 00:43:30,953 --> 00:43:33,033 In third place, 848 00:43:33,033 --> 00:43:35,033 with minus 16, it's Suggs. 849 00:43:35,033 --> 00:43:37,153 APPLAUSE 850 00:43:37,153 --> 00:43:39,313 Which means our runaway loser, 851 00:43:39,313 --> 00:43:41,592 with minus 37, is Jimmy Carr. 852 00:43:41,592 --> 00:43:44,272 - And this is why! - APPLAUSE 853 00:43:44,272 --> 00:43:46,152 END OF SHOW JINGLE 854 00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:55,112 So, it's goodnight from Claudia, Jimmy, Suggs, Alan and me 855 00:43:55,112 --> 00:43:57,792 and I'll leave you with the last words of the great hotelier, 856 00:43:57,792 --> 00:43:59,391 Conrad Hilton: 857 00:43:59,391 --> 00:44:02,791 "Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub." 858 00:44:02,791 --> 00:44:05,471 Those were his dying words. Goodnight. 859 00:44:05,471 --> 00:44:08,511 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 860 00:44:08,511 --> 00:44:10,791 WHISTLING