1 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:31,120 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,440 Good evening, guten Abend, bonsoir, 3 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:38,720 and welcome to the QI L series. 4 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:44,160 Now, what does the loneliest whale in the world sound like? 5 00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:47,560 HE WARBLES 6 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:50,280 HE CONTINUES 7 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,560 HE SHRIEKS 8 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,000 Somebody feed him! 9 00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,760 It's not even close. 10 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:04,520 I don't know what that sounded like, I never want to hear it ever again. 11 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,880 Your wife is a very lucky woman. Do you know that? 12 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,400 Yeah, this particular whale, there's one, 13 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:13,640 we don't actually know what species it is, 14 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,480 because no-one's found it, but people have heard it. 15 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:17,960 And it's very unusual 16 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:21,160 because it's the highest-pitched whale that's ever been recorded 17 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:24,120 by hydrophones, the microphones you pop down into the depths. 18 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,040 But how do they know that it's lonely? 19 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:28,560 - Because it's never been answered. - Ah. 20 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,720 But maybe it just likes spending time on its own. 21 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:32,200 It might do, there are theories. 22 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,800 Maybe it's like singing in your kitchen in your nightie? 23 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:36,960 Also, how do we know, if we've never seen it, 24 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,360 how do we know that it IS a whale? 25 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:41,720 It might be a couple of dolphins mucking about with a big shell. 26 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:43,960 - Just... - HE WARBLES 27 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,760 "They're coming, they're coming!" "No, nothing. No." 28 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,680 There's a whale over there I think, but, then... 29 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,080 HE WARBLES 30 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,880 - No, I think... - That's the shell. - That's the shell. - It's a conch. 31 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,480 Ooh! 32 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:57,400 Ooh! 33 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,200 - I didn't think "conch" when you did that. - Oh, dear! 34 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,160 - Are you suggesting that I'm... - I'm not suggesting anything. 35 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:05,760 Are you suggesting I'm somehow pleasuring a whale?! 36 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,160 - LAUGHTER - No. 37 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:10,360 The sperm whale's penis is about three metres long. 38 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,120 Yeah, you'd need a bigger mouth than even you have got. 39 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,240 LAUGHTER 40 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:17,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 41 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,080 LAUGHTER 42 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,000 - Isn't it great how we're all so keen to be involved? - Absolutely. 43 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,480 - I'll have a go at that! I'll have a go! - Hang on a second, 44 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,640 if we're all getting involved, I'll start here, 45 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:32,280 have it all the way along the front. 46 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:34,800 Here, you hold it like that, right, and then. 47 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:37,840 - Right, here you go. - LAUGHTER 48 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,640 - Right, there we go, there we go! - THUDDING AND LAUGHTER 49 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,400 Heave ho! 50 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,160 Heave ho! 51 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:45,640 It's going to blow! 52 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:47,800 Oh, dear, dear, dear... 53 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:51,320 A whale at a birthday party? 54 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,800 - Well, they take up a lot of room, you'd need a big hall. - Yeah. 55 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,600 I think you're getting there. 56 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,960 Yeah. That's good encouragement, thanks, Richard. 57 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,480 That's OK. 58 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:04,560 Think it would be fun for the kids to get inside, couldn't they, 59 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,920 - play around. - True. - Bouncy castle. 60 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:09,160 - "Bouncy arsehole", did you say? - No! 61 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:10,960 LAUGHTER 62 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,440 I didn't, but by all means... 63 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,320 Oh, "bouncy castle". 64 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,880 - Bouncy castle. - Oh, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean, yeah. 65 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:19,320 UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER 66 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:22,480 "Yeah, I'd like to hire a bouncy arsehole, if I may?" 67 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,800 LAUGHTER 68 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,080 Oops. No. List things that you need for children's parties. 69 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,840 - Well, my kids... - Cake, and I was thinking candles. - Yeah. 70 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,960 - Candles is one. - Right, cake... - Pass the parcel. - Pass the parcel. 71 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,840 - Balloons. - Yes! - Balloons! - Balloons. - A big whale balloon. 72 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:39,280 Whales filled with helium. 73 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,720 Why would a blue whale be useful at a children's party? 74 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,320 - Because it's got the largest breath in the world. - Yes! 75 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,000 Because, in one breath, 76 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:50,880 a blue whale could inflate 1,250 balloons. 77 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,720 - Wow. - OK. - That's a spoilt child... 78 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,640 I agree. 79 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,800 I take that point, but I'm fairly sure it's never happened. 80 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:02,360 - No, no. You're right. - Yeah, and also, logistically, 81 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,440 it would be almost impossible. 82 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,680 Whales live to be very old, as well, don't they? 83 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,280 So, I would like one at my birthday party 84 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:10,960 to make me feel both young and slim. 85 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,480 Yes. Whales aren't particularly slim though, Lucy. 86 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,040 No, but I would, next to a whale... 87 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:18,440 Oh, I see, NEXT to a whale. Yeah, sorry, I'm so stupid. 88 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:22,240 - I'm not asking for much of a compliment, Stephen! - No, I'm sorry. 89 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,480 LAUGHTER Just, you know...? 90 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:28,640 Who has the world's largest love handles 91 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,800 - and what do they use them for? - Eric Pickles. 92 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,440 KLAXON BLARES 93 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,520 - Oh, dear! - What?! You're joking! 94 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:38,200 You are joking! 95 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:41,880 You see. 96 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:43,920 Blue whale? 97 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,280 - Not the blue whale. - Sorry, so it's not the blue whale but I'm close? 98 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:49,480 - You are. - A barnacle. 99 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,480 LAUGHTER 100 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,080 Stay with cetaceous creatures. 101 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,840 - Stay with a mammal. - So, it's a whale, it's a type of whale. 102 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:57,600 That lives in the sea. It's a whale. 103 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,720 - It's a whale. And it begins with a B. - Blue whale. 104 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:04,280 - LAUGHTER - Have another look, Stephen, because I'm pretty sure I got it right. 105 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:06,600 There are other kinds of whale that begin with a B. 106 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,520 - Bull whale. - Well, there's the bow head. - Bull whale. 107 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,720 - Big whale. - Big whale. - What's the famous and expensive kind of caviar? 108 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:14,640 - Beluga. - Beluga whale. - Oh, beluga whale! 109 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,080 Beluga whale, yes. There one is. 110 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:20,120 Look at it, that one's going, "Hello!" 111 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,840 - It's lying on its side. - "Hello!" 112 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:25,880 "Hello! 113 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:28,240 "I'm a beluga whale, you know!" 114 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,080 LAUGHTER 115 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,120 "Ayoo!" 116 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,440 "This is all I can do!" LAUGHTER 117 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,600 He's very chirpy. They have no dorsal fin and, amazingly... 118 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,680 "I haven't got a dorsal fin, you know!" 119 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:44,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 120 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,760 "Wo, ho, ho, hooo! 121 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,240 "I don't feel the cold! I don't feel it." 122 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,720 They don't, because of their blubber. 123 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,640 "It's all in the blubber!" 124 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:01,320 And they have midriff blubber, which they can control. 125 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,800 "Feel my love handles, baby! Hello!" 126 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:08,000 They control their love handles with special muscles, 127 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,600 so that that's how they move around and that's how they, you know... 128 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,480 - "That's how I roll." - That's how they roll, exactly! 129 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,840 Exactly right. 130 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:20,360 APPLAUSE 131 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:26,640 I had a terrible experience, I was at a cricket match 132 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,440 and at a major cricket ground that I won't name, 133 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,160 you'll see why in a minute, and I was talking to a woman 134 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:36,000 who was married to a leading cricket executive, who I won't name. 135 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:41,840 And she was...full-figured, and we were having the cream tea. 136 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:44,560 And I said to her, because she was the wife 137 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,560 of a major cricket executive, 138 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:49,520 "I bet you've had a few cream teas in your time." 139 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,080 LOUD GROANING 140 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,280 Oh, no! 141 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:55,600 I meant because her husband worked in cricket was what I meant! 142 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,080 And not because she was a fat... 143 00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:59,360 - No, not for a second did I mean that. - Oh, dear... 144 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,160 - How did that play out, after that? - Yeah. 145 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,720 I thought I could say, "Not because you're...", 146 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,480 - then I thought, that's going to make it worse... - No, quite. 147 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,560 - So, I decided to hold... - Yes. 148 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,720 - I thought I'd just leave it... - Stop digging. Yeah. 149 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:16,480 - And move somewhere else. - And walk off, because that's the best thing, 150 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,600 insult someone about their weight, and then run away immediately. 151 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,400 - But I was... - Luckily, cricket is such a fast-moving sport, 152 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,640 you weren't stuck there for the day with her. 153 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:26,520 LAUGHTER 154 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,480 Now, if Johnny and Jason got naked, covered their legs... 155 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:31,960 LAUGHTER 156 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,920 - Wow! - It's pretty good, isn't it? 157 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:39,440 APPLAUSE 158 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,880 - I know. - I can't even see that now. 159 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:48,120 I can't wait after the show to open wedding gifts together. 160 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,560 Be still, the beating hearts of the nation! 161 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,960 If they got naked, covered their legs in lard 162 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:57,120 and put their hands on each other's shoulders, 163 00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:59,560 what could we expect to happen next? 164 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:03,040 I would guess, Ofcom would get involved. 165 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:06,800 - LAUGHTER - Something-com. Yeah. 166 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:10,320 It's a red wine that we are about to trample the grapes for 167 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,040 that you can also fry with. 168 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,120 LAUGHTER 169 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,680 I like the idea that Lancashire wine... 170 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,320 - Yeah, it's the first kind of sipping lard. - Frying wine. 171 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:25,640 - Yes, that's right. - You can have a glass and do your chips in it also. 172 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,000 Available in every Yates's Wine Lodge. Ooh. Yeah. 173 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,360 There'd be a rush, like at Christmas when Jamie Oliver said to use goose fat, 174 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:34,120 except this time they'd be using comedians' dripping. 175 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,440 You'd go, "Do you know what? These potatoes taste a bit funny." 176 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:40,480 Twice-fried Johnny dripping. No, we're in t'North and... 177 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:42,120 - You're all right? - Yeah, I'm all right. 178 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,080 You sound like you've swallowed your tongue. 179 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,840 - NORTHERN ACCENT: - It's a pursuit in the North-West, right. 180 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,080 - It's not shin kicking? - Yes, it is shin kicking. 181 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:51,120 - Ah. - You knew about shin kicking. 182 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,680 - I did, my uncle was one. - Wahey! 183 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:55,640 APPLAUSE 184 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:56,880 Very good. 185 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,760 - Is that a blade? - What ? - Yes, it is. 186 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:06,160 You stand there and take it in turns to kick each other in the shins 187 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,680 as hard as you can. And it's the first person to burst into... 188 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,560 Do you know what they cry if they give up? It's rather wonderful. 189 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:15,600 - You'd think it would be, "I give in" or, "Oh, stop it, no." - "Stop it." 190 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,400 "Go on with your bother!" No. 191 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,160 LAUGHTER 192 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,280 - It's... - "Stop kicking me shin, you bastard!" 193 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:24,040 It's not that. They shout, "Sufficient!" 194 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:27,160 LAUGHTER 195 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,760 That's the cry. 196 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,320 APPLAUSE 197 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,120 Oddly enough, that's my climax call. 198 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:35,360 Sufficient! 199 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,120 LAUGHTER AND GROANS 200 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,760 The ability to do two things at once. 201 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,120 We can ask the audience and you, 202 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,120 it's easier for the audience because of the way they're sitting down. 203 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,680 All you have to do is revolve your right foot clockwise. 204 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:54,320 That's easy, isn't it? 205 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:57,560 And then, with your right hand make a six. 206 00:09:57,560 --> 00:10:00,640 Is your foot suddenly going anticlockwise? 207 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:03,280 - Oh, wow! That's weird! - Oh, I don't like that. 208 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,840 - Isn't that extraordinary. - What was it? What foot? 209 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,440 - Right foot. - Oh, yeah. That's weird. 210 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,480 - Right foot clockwise. - Yeah. - And then do a 6. 211 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,440 - You have to think about it. - You really do. 212 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:14,480 - Oh! Oh! - LAUGHTER 213 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:15,960 That was instant. 214 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,880 You really have to think about it, 215 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:20,240 to the point where you nearly break your foot off. 216 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:23,000 LAUGHTER You forget what's clockwise. 217 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,600 You start going up and down and not... 218 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:29,520 Argh, argh, no, no! I'm absolutely fighting it! 219 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,800 - You're in agony. - But I couldn't do the 6, I couldn't finish the 6. 220 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,280 I just did a C. 221 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:37,280 Yes. Exactly. It's a bitch, isn't it? It's really fascinating. 222 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,640 I'll remember that one. People say, "What do you remember from QI?" 223 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,560 - And I remember nothing! - Even if you watch your foot. 224 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,320 - Yeah. - This is, I mean, this isn't great television, 225 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,200 what I'm doing at this moment. 226 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:51,520 You can raise your foot, put your foot on the desk if you want to. 227 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:55,560 Right, so, glad I wore my natty socks today. 228 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:56,960 Yeah, they've very natty. 229 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,200 LAUGHTER 230 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,960 Argh! 231 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:06,040 Now what is the name for people having jobs 232 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,240 that come after their names. So, if you were a baker, say. 233 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:11,960 Yes, exactly. I don't know the term. 234 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,720 - My dad was a clerk. - And your dad, exactly, that would do it. - Yeah. 235 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,000 It's called nominative determinism. 236 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,480 It's called nominative or onomastic determinism, 237 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,600 because you're determined by your name. 238 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,400 I've always been interested by this, 239 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,600 because there was a family many years ago 240 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,400 and they were called the Gauntlets. 241 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,520 And they christened their son Victor. 242 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,560 - I knew Victor, he ran Aston Martin. - Exactly. 243 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,560 He was DESTINED to run Aston Martin, 244 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,680 simply because his parents had christened him Victor. 245 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:38,680 If they'd called him Stan, 246 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:40,320 he would have been a plumber. 247 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:41,880 You see it all the time, 248 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:46,640 where somebody called Fotherington Major Fortescue, 249 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,520 has always got a sandwich shop in Fulham. 250 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:54,520 Whereas somebody called Ron Twat is a builder from somewhere. 251 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,360 And it's very simple names tend to, it's, and it does... 252 00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:01,040 - I know Ron Twat. - Do you? Bloody good builder. 253 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:04,880 Surely Ron Twat should be a gynaecologist, surely that's... 254 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,360 Now, you can see... 255 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:07,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 256 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:11,880 Ron Twat... 257 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,560 This is a thing that's happened to me. 258 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,840 - I'll share, cos I'm amongst friends. - All right. 259 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,280 I went to the doctor, had terrible, like, 260 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:24,080 - it was almost like welts, in a sort of a... - Did you say "whelks"? 261 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,840 - Welts. - Welts. Not whelks. - It was a red... 262 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,360 No, welts with a T, not with a K. 263 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,760 I thought you said whelks, as in cockles and... 264 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,800 There was, you know, whelks, 265 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,800 I was bothered by Cockneys! 266 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:38,600 All the time I had chimney sweeps around me, I was batting them off. 267 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,560 # Feed the birds! # 268 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:46,440 - Went to the doctor, and I thought I've got some sort of.. - HE MOUTHS 269 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,800 "Sexually transmitted disease." 270 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,600 Went into the doctor, he went, "Pants are too tight." 271 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,560 - That's what he said. - LAUGHTER 272 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,760 So, you were kidding yourself that you were a medium 273 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,600 and in fact, you were an extra-extra large. 274 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,240 I've done it, I've been there. Yeah. 275 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:04,080 And you do get welts, you get awful webbing marks, you get... 276 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:06,920 - "Webbing"? - Yeah, the, you know, the webbing of the... 277 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:10,040 You need to just loosen that banana hammock and let it fly. 278 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:13,000 I got the larger... I went for the larger pant, 279 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,000 - and since, trouble-free. - It's been simple. Yeah, I know. 280 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,960 What a wonderful thing. So, there you are. 281 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,400 LAUGHTER 282 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,280 Now, suggest some lethal uses for a laptop. 283 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,720 - Oh, some lethal... - Smart bombs, guiding smart bombs? 284 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:31,520 - Yeah. - Drones. - Hitting people over the head. 285 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,120 "Dammit, Chloe!" Yeah. 286 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:36,640 - Yeah. - That was like he was in the room! 287 00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:40,200 Thank you. I just happen to have been working with him, that's all... 288 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:45,000 - Oh. - Oh, please. - Is he nice? Please, tell me he's nice. 289 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,240 He's an incredibly nice guy. 290 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,560 He really is, everyone adores him on the set. 291 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:51,680 - Kiefer, - this is. - Kiefer. - Kiefer, yeah. - Kiefer. - Kiefer. 292 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:55,280 - Oh, Kiefer! Oh, yes! - Yeah. Anyway... - (What's he talking about?) 293 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:58,280 - He's always on laptops. - I don't know what you're talking about. 294 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,960 - My favourite one is when he talks about... - 24. - Oh, 24, oh! 295 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:04,840 - When he talks about parabollocks. That was... - Parabolics! - "Where are the parabolics?" 296 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:07,760 I'm like, "Are you saying 'pair of bollocks'?" That's how it sounds. 297 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,760 really over-the-top London though, like, 298 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:14,400 - "Chloe, I forgot my Oyster card! - LAUGHTER 299 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,760 It is all shot in London. 300 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,840 "I'm at Spitting Fields!" 301 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:21,480 "There are engineering works! 302 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,080 "I'm on a bus replacement service! 303 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,960 "Follow me on the satellite! 304 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:29,080 "The driver hasn't got a clue where he's going! 305 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:33,600 "What's the best way from Kensal Rise to Ladbroke Grove?! 306 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,360 "You can't use the Harrow Road!" 307 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,120 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 308 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,960 How did the ladybird get its spots? 309 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,760 Did it use to not have spots, then? Is that what you're saying? 310 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:51,720 Well, no, it's not really those spots, 311 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,840 it's other kinds of spots that it gets. 312 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:57,520 Their life is one... not one, long sexual orgy, 313 00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:00,560 but they are very highly sexed creatures. 314 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,920 They're beetles, the order of Coleoptera... 315 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,920 Is that like notches on their bed post? 316 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,600 Is that what that is? Like, "Look how many I've had." 317 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:11,080 Not those spots. They shag so thoroughly, energetically. 318 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,840 - "Thoroughly"? - Yeah. 319 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:15,520 I love a good thorough one! 320 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,800 - Oh, yeah... - I do, I love it. - "What shall we do this evening? 321 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,600 "Oh, it'll be thorough tonight, love. I tell you." 322 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,880 - Oh, good, I like them! - "No stone will be unturned. 323 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,680 "Every nook and cranny will be catered..." 324 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:28,400 I love that you call them stones. 325 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,520 "How was it for you, darling?" "Thorough." 326 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:31,920 LAUGHTER 327 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:36,200 In May... In May up to 50% of all ladybirds will be at it. 328 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,360 And they'll be at it for a long, long time. 329 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:41,080 The males don't really mind what they shag, I mean, 330 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:45,160 they'll get on another male, and then, they'll get on a dead female. 331 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:48,160 Some of them can orgasm quite extraordinarily. 332 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,160 I'll give the details, it's impressive. 333 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,240 LAUGHTER 334 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:54,880 Yeah. 335 00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:59,960 They have nine-hour mating sessions. 336 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,880 A ladybird orgasm can be 30 minutes long. 337 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,320 - Standard. - Yeah. 338 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:07,640 And they can have several 339 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,720 in one of their nine-hour long mating sessions. 340 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,760 So, they have several 30-minute orgasms. 341 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:14,760 Is that nine hours straight, or do they stop for snacks? 342 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:17,920 No, as I said, not only straight, sometimes it's on a male. 343 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,240 Oh, straight in that sense, yes. No, they might stop for snacks. 344 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,560 Stop for an aphid. But because of this, 345 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:26,320 they are riddled with sexually transmitted diseases, 346 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,400 I'm afraid, which can make them sterile, 347 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,120 and they get lice and spots. 348 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,040 You see. Other spots. 349 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:36,240 If they can't tell the sex of other ladybirds, but I guess, it is, yeah. 350 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,440 But the male is called a ladybird, too. 351 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,840 - Yes, it's confusing, I know. - It's not called a manbird. 352 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,280 - No, it should be. Or a gentlemanbird. - A gentlemanbird. 353 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:44,840 Well, no wonder they're confused. 354 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:46,320 Well, exactly. 355 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,560 So if one ladybird, like a male ladybird 356 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:51,560 gets on another male ladybird, 357 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,440 does the first one after a bit just go, "Oh, sorry, mate." 358 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,520 I think so, yeah. They do, yeah. 359 00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:00,240 Or are there, are there gay ladybirds that just love it? 360 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:04,400 - Gay-dybirds! - Gay-dybirds. - Brilliant. 361 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,640 APPLAUSE 362 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:13,400 Now, what suggestions do you have for the last line of this limerick? 363 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,920 There was an old person of Chile 364 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,880 Whose conduct was painful and silly 365 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,600 He sat on the stairs Eating apples and pears... 366 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,240 Firing pips out of his willy. 367 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,600 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 368 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,400 Very good. I don't think that can be improved upon. 369 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:37,400 It certainly wasn't improved upon by the author of that limerick, 370 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,960 - who was? The best... - George Orwell. 371 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,840 - Edward Lear. Eric Blair. - Eric Blair. - Was it a Lear? 372 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,480 Edward Lear, as Victoria rightly said, popularised the form, 373 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,720 but he had one fatal flaw in his limerick writing, 374 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,200 - which was, do you know? - He didn't know the word "willy". 375 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,760 - Was the last line the same as the first? - More or less the same. 376 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,440 - Is it, "That boring old person of Chile?" - Basically it is. 377 00:17:55,440 --> 00:18:00,120 Yeah, as you will see, it is "That imprudent old person of Chile." 378 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:04,400 I think you'll all agree that Alan's version is a lot better. 379 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,880 Yeah, firing pips out of the willy is a lot funnier than that. 380 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:10,880 Yes. That's exactly what I mean. On the other hand, less Victorian, 381 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,720 he was sort of around the latter half of the 19th century. 382 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,800 - That is an entirely pointless thing to write down. - It is. 383 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:20,120 - It's not painful and silly, , to be imprudent. - No. 384 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,880 - It's painful and silly to put the pips in your willy... - It is. 385 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,440 And fire them out. LAUGHTER 386 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,080 I think we're all with you, Alan. 387 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,520 But he hasn't thought of a painful and silly thing to do... 388 00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:30,840 He hasn't thought it through. 389 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:33,440 ..that's related to apples and pears and being on the stairs, 390 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,240 he just says he's imprudent. But there's nothing in that... 391 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,680 There's nothing imprudent in the previous four lines. 392 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,280 There are other versions you might be able to finish. 393 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:43,960 There was an Old Man with a gong 394 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,600 LAUGHTER 395 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,160 Who bumped at it all day long 396 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,760 But they called out, "O law! You're a horrid old bore!" 397 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,000 "Pull up your trousers, you're doing it wrong." 398 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,320 LAUGHTER 399 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,240 What, so it's going to be "You're a horrible old bore, 400 00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,320 "you silly Old Man with a gong." 401 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,680 - Basically, yeah. - This guy's shit. - He is! 402 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,400 - LAUGHTER - You can see his original. - These are like Lil Wayne lyrics. 403 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,680 "So they smashed that Old Man with a gong." 404 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,840 - They smashed him with the gong?! - Yeah. 405 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,680 Why did they do that?! 406 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,520 Because he was a horrid old bore. 407 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:17,320 - Well, just take the gong away, there's no need to... - Yeah. 408 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,600 Once you've got the gong from the old man, the problem's solved. 409 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,200 He's not going to annoy you with the gong any more. 410 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,520 There's no point... To smash him with the gong 411 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,800 is a greater crime than to hit the gong 412 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,600 regardless of whether he does it all day long. 413 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:31,880 Also, move away, 414 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,400 go out of earshot where you can't hear the gong. 415 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,320 - There's no excuse for assaulting. - Your outrage is commendable. 416 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,000 Well, let's try another one. 417 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,800 There was a Young Lady of Poole 418 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,800 Whose soup was excessively cool 419 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,520 So she put it to boil By the aid of some oil... 420 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,840 "It was a recipe from Heston Blumentool." 421 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:50,360 Hey! 422 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:52,160 APPLAUSE 423 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:55,200 Very good. 424 00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,480 Could you pass that to Jimmy? 425 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,080 - Jimmy, open your present, it's very exciting. - OK. 426 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:05,040 It's actually rather a traditional present for a young person 427 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,320 to get at Christmas, or at least was in my generation, 428 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,640 - it probably isn't any more. - Thank you. A young person 429 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,680 - seems like a stretch now, I'm 41. - Yeah, yeah. 430 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,840 The only way I'm young now is if I die. 431 00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,040 Or compared to me, yes, that's true. 432 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,880 - Yeah, that... - Now... - Well, you... 433 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,920 And what I'm going to ask you to do is stand up, 434 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,080 on a box, or at least as high as you can. 435 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,760 - Well, I mean... - Now, you see, that... 436 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,640 Well, I didn't get you anything and I think my gift's better. 437 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,520 No, don't. You know the principle of siphoning liquid, 438 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,720 where you put a tube into a petrol tank and you slightly suck 439 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,960 and then it's got to be higher than the bucket that you siphon into. 440 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,680 - Sure. - You can siphon a chain. So stand as high as you can. 441 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:43,440 - And you see there's an end coming out of the beaker. - As high as I can, hang on. - Out of the cup. 442 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,640 - Shall I go on the desk? - If you feel comfortable on the desk, that's great. 443 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:47,920 Yeah, why not, why not? 444 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,320 And if you could just jerk out the leading... 445 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,240 - LAUGHTER - Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! 446 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,400 - What do you need me to do? - Now, I'm disappointed. 447 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,280 - Stephen, tell me what you need me to do. - Pull yourselves together. 448 00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:59,960 - Jerk it out. - Just jerk it out? - Yeah. - Just jerk it out of the top. 449 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,240 - Jerk it out. - You'll see a rather astonishing effect. 450 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,920 - It seems to defy gravity, in the words of Wicked. - Jerk that out. 451 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,960 Yeah, out, up and down. And as high as you can. 452 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,920 - Oh! - Wow! - Woh! 453 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,120 Look at that, that's amazing! 454 00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:13,480 CHAIN RATTLES 455 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,640 Dude! 456 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:15,880 ALL EXCLAIM 457 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,560 Wait a minute, it's going up, it's going up, it's going up. 458 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:20,960 - Oh my... - Oooh! - That is just... - Oh, it's magic! 459 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,120 Whoo! Hey! 460 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 461 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:27,280 That was fantastic. 462 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:33,520 Right, to get you in the mood, here are some foods for you to try. 463 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:36,160 - You should have some on your, on your little prop tables. - Ooh. 464 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,600 You've got chocolates there, Josh, you've got a potato, Alan. 465 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,200 LAUGHTER 466 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,600 - What have you got, Tony? - Well, I don't... - Oh, champagne! 467 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,600 It looks like champagne. It could be anything. 468 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:47,160 Probably Cava, knowing our budget. 469 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:49,120 You could have had a wee in here for all I know. 470 00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,520 You wouldn't want it to fizz though, would you? 471 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,760 No, you wouldn't though. 472 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,320 Put your finger on top to stop it overflowing. 473 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:00,120 - That's what I always do on the loo. - Yes, it is. 474 00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:03,400 - I think it's fresh and edible if you want to eat it. - Well, I hope it's fresh. 475 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,040 Drop it in the champagne, it's quite delicious in champagne. 476 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,680 - Oh, am I allowed? - I'm allergic to champagne, literally... 477 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,120 - Are you? - Yeah. I can't drink it. 478 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:12,640 - Oh, darling, it must be simply terrible for you. - It's not. 479 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,280 LAUGHTER 480 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,440 Christopher Hitchens rather wonderfully said, 481 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,560 "The four most overrated things in the world are lobster, champagne, 482 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,240 "anal sex and picnics." 483 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,520 LAUGHTER 484 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:24,840 But you don't like champagne. 485 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:27,760 What a night that would be! 486 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,000 LAUGHTER 487 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:33,400 Anyway, so by all means eat yours. 488 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,640 But what do you think they have to do with our theme? Chocolate... 489 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:39,720 - They're sexy foods. - Yes. - Aphrodisiacs. - Aphrodisiacs. 490 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,240 Aphrodisiacs, they're considered to be aphrodisiacs. 491 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:45,640 Oysters have long been considered it. Potato? 492 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:47,760 Yes, Alan, a thousand times, yes. 493 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:49,160 LAUGHTER 494 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,800 Well, do have a piece of chocolate. Do sip your champagne. 495 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:54,440 And do, by all means, have your oyster. 496 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,160 I mean, I do love oysters, 497 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:59,080 but one time I did get poisoning on a Valentine's Day... 498 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:00,760 CRUNCHING 499 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:04,120 - On Valentine's Day, as well? - Oh! 500 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:07,240 - Oh, don't! Are you eating your potato raw? - Is that allowed? 501 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,600 LAUGHTER 502 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,120 Oh, oh. 503 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:14,520 OK, here she goes, here she goes, oyster down. 504 00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,080 - It's bigger than I'm used to. - Hey! 505 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,800 SHE SWALLOWS 506 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,560 - How? - Really nice. 507 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:23,520 I'm definitely going to tape this episode, I can tell you that. 508 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:25,920 - Try your chocolate, I think... - Oh, they're very nice. 509 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,640 - That was delicious. - It might have rose petals or violets. 510 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:32,040 - Are you all right, Alan? - I feel horny. - Look out, Josh! 511 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,400 LAUGHTER 512 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,320 It's worked, bloody hell, two bites! 513 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:41,240 LAUGHTER 514 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,760 Perhaps the most impressive invention in recent times, 515 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:45,160 for your lavatorial wants... 516 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:46,880 The helicopter. 517 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:50,480 Well, the Gotta Go Briefcase, it's Japanese, of course. Yeah. 518 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:53,240 - LAUGHTER - That is great! 519 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:56,320 How much better do you get than that? It's just simply superb. 520 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,280 It's got everything you could possibly want, 521 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,080 including a newspaper to leaf through 522 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,960 if your easement is taking a bit of time. 523 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,480 I've always felt really sad when I leave a toilet, like, 524 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:08,400 "Oh, we've become such good friends. I wish I could just pack it up and carry it away." 525 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,960 - Yeah. - Now I can! - It's got a generously equipped sealing lid. 526 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,680 You can quietly and discreetly go about your personal business 527 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,360 anywhere you please, with a fold-out leather privacy panel, 528 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:18,160 which tucks away neatly to the side. 529 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,040 Yeah, it looks like it hides you completely, that panel(!) 530 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,520 "What's that suitcase just sitting there?" 531 00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:24,880 LAUGHTER 532 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:28,000 - It's got a vanity mirror. - I like the leather finish! 533 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,680 Yeah, refillable hand-sanitising dispenser. 534 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:32,360 Maximum weight capacity is 80 kilos. 535 00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:35,080 "Exceeding the recommended weight will void all warranties." 536 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:37,240 - 80 kilos?! - Yeah. - 80 kilos. - "And may result in..." 537 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:39,280 Are you going to get an elephant to shit in it?! 538 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:40,760 I know. But it is quite heavy. 539 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,480 How are you going to get 80 kilos, 540 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:43,920 I weigh less than 80 kilos. 541 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:45,560 It does seem extraordinary. I know. 542 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,160 I really need to get the... I'm going to exceed the limit! 543 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,880 LAUGHTER 544 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:52,120 "It may result in rupture of waste tank, 545 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:55,440 "possible bacteria contamination of briefcase contents 546 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:56,760 "and massive stench." 547 00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:58,360 So, you don't want to do that. 548 00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:00,600 I'm assuming you haven't emptied it for a year. 549 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:02,440 Presumably, you would have two suitcases 550 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:04,960 when you turned up to meetings. And everyone would be like, 551 00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,280 "Derek, why have you got two suitcases?" "No reason." 552 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:09,400 And then he'd just hide behind the leather panel. 553 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,480 If you accidentally went, I've been through the figures and... Oops! 554 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:13,840 LAUGHTER 555 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,760 Massive stench! Massive stench! 556 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,480 - Oh, dear. - "How is the meeting going?" 557 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,400 "Oh, it was going fine until I got the bog out." 558 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,280 Alternatively, you go the other way, 559 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,880 "Thanks for letting me use your toilet briefcase." 560 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:30,640 "Oh, I don't have a toilet briefcase." 561 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:34,240 I ought to say that the 80 kilos includes the person sitting on it. 562 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:36,720 - So I think I would... - Oh, right. - I would break it, 563 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,840 - I've a horrible feeling. - Maybe they... 564 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:41,320 That changes everything. 565 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,120 LAUGHTER 566 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,920 - I'm going to make a lava lamp... - Have you got one? 567 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,840 ..for your edification, pleasure and entertainment. 568 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:52,440 I have here a little tube, this is actually a tube 569 00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:55,120 that usually contains tennis balls, 570 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:58,640 and this is a mixture of vegetable oil and water. 571 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,120 And I have here a little syringe. 572 00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:03,960 Quite hard to mix, by the way, those two things. 573 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,840 - Yeah, they are, because... - They separate, don't they, David? 574 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:09,320 - Yeah. - Yes. - LAUGHTER 575 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,160 Hello? So, you pump the colour in. 576 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:12,920 And I'm going to use Alka-Seltzer 577 00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:16,640 or any effervescent hang-over cure pill will do. 578 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,440 - And I... - Are you going to say, "Don't try this at home"? 579 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:20,680 Well, you can, actually. 580 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,360 Honestly, it's not going to explode. And cue light. 581 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:26,440 - Was this how they... - Wahey! There we go. Pop it on. 582 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,680 - And then, as the... - Oh, it's a beautiful thing. 583 00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,120 ..effervescent works, it begins, yeah, 584 00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:33,880 there we are, beginning to get the effect. And you've, 585 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,440 there we are, the colour's now beginning to come into it. 586 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:38,480 And you're getting a sort of lava lamp there, 587 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,080 obviously, professionally they're made more permanent. 588 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,960 A lava lamp, ladies and gentlemen. 589 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:45,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 590 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,560 But you've all got the equipment, as it were, 591 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,520 so you can make one yourselves. 592 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,160 - Oh, so exciting. - Aren't you lucky? - Yeah. - It's so exciting. 593 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,800 - We've begun with a thrilling excitement. - Put this in first. 594 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:57,720 - What do we do with that? - We inject colour in. 595 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,080 You've all got different colours to make it thrilling. 596 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,840 Don't put too much of the effervescent hangover cure... 597 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:05,440 - Oh, Jesus. - Oh, I put all of it in. - Did you? Oh, no. Did you? 598 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:07,800 It's a slightly manic lava lamp, it's sort of... 599 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,640 Don't put too many pills in. 600 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:12,200 - Just put a little of the... - No, put loads in, it's brilliant. 601 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:15,400 - Yeah, just a little, just put a little in, yeah. - Look at that, man! 602 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,800 - Look at your bullshit lava lamp. - Mine has dried. 603 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,240 LAUGHTER 604 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,840 - Ours is so brilliant. Look at that! - Won't it explode now? 605 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,080 - Hopefully. - I can... No, no, you don't! 606 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:25,240 - No! - You're no fun. 607 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,520 Stick another one in, ours has gone mental. 608 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:30,800 I'm a responsible adult, there has to be one on this programme. 609 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:33,840 - Look at all the little balls. - I've got rather oily... 610 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:35,480 This reminds me so much of school, 611 00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:37,880 when you said, "Don't put all the Alka-Seltzer in," 612 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:40,600 and then Alan said, "We're putting it all in," as a result. 613 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,360 And I've gone along with him, and now I'm frightened. 614 00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:44,720 You're the one in trouble. 615 00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:46,440 LAUGHTER 616 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:52,880 ALL YELP 617 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:54,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 618 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:56,040 going to blow? 619 00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,960 - Sir?! Sir?! - Sir, sir! Sir! 620 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,760 - All right. - Sir! Sir! Sir! - All right. - You wanted it to explode. 621 00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:05,600 Sir did it, sir did it! 622 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:08,200 - David Mitchell, you made me laugh. - I can smell something. 623 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,720 - Sir, can we all do that, sir? - You made me laugh, David. 624 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,480 - He was laughing at my colour. - I've told you before... 625 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:14,640 You're in trouble! 626 00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:17,800 It's not funny, there's nothing funny about making people laugh. 627 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:19,160 LAUGHTER 628 00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:22,840 Oh, hang on, there may be. But dear, oh, dear, I've got oily hands. 629 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:26,120 Mitchell's taken the lid off, sir, it's not sealed. 630 00:28:26,120 --> 00:28:29,400 This is not how it was supposed to happen at all. 631 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:30,720 LAUGHTER 632 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:32,800 I love how broad Stephen's remit is! 633 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:34,640 LAUGHTER 634 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,640 The industrial... 635 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:39,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 636 00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:41,240 That's terrible. 637 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:44,360 And we all know why Alan has industrial-strength tissues. 638 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:46,600 LAUGHTER