1 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:33,840 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:39,840 Goooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:44,480 where this week we're under doctor's orders as we dissect a Medley of Maladies. 4 00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:45,960 Joining me in the waiting room, 5 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:51,040 with a 1984 edition of The People's Friend, we have Dr No, Lucy Porter. 6 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:54,960 APPLAUSE 7 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,320 Dr Strangelove, Matt Lucas. 8 00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:01,560 APPLAUSE 9 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,840 Dr Zhivago, Ross Noble. 10 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:08,040 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:09,760 And Dr Snuggles, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:16,200 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,480 So, buzzers please, nurse. Lucy goes... 14 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:24,600 DR ZHIVAGO THEME TUNE 15 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,160 For the ignorant nonsenses amongst you, 16 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:32,320 that was Dr Zhivago's theme tune. LAUGHTER 17 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:33,600 Matt goes... 18 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:37,400 DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME TUNE 19 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:41,000 For those under 80, that was Dr Finlay's Casebook. 20 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,560 So Ross Noble, he goes... 21 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:49,160 DR WHO THEME TUNE 22 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,240 Hmm, no, I don't know what that was. And Alan goes... 23 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:57,400 # Oh, doctor, I'm in trouble 24 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,120 # Well, goodness gracious me... # 25 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,640 Oh, more of that. 26 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:05,760 - Yeah, Goodness Gracious Me. - Can't get enough of it. - Well, there you are. 27 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:08,640 So, come in, lie down, pop your feet in the stirrups 28 00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:11,160 and let's see what the trouble is. 29 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,280 What did Typhoid Mary die of? 30 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:15,440 Oh, don't...start! 31 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:18,720 LAUGHTER 32 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,720 DR WHO THEME TUNE Yes, Ross? 33 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,840 Was it a lack of circulation to her toe? 34 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,320 That is a possibility. 35 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:29,680 Yeah. Is it typhoid? 36 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:30,720 - Oh! - One! 37 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:37,280 Her name, as the label around that toe said, was Mary Mallon, 38 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:41,040 and she was known as Typhoid Mary. 39 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:44,040 What did she die of? It wasn't typhoid. 40 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:48,720 Er...why am I interrupting you? I don't even know. 41 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:49,760 - That's QI. - Yeah. 42 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,840 There was nothing wrong with her. Boredom, she'd had boredom from... 43 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:57,080 - Car crash. - That's what I was going to say. - Waiting to get typhoid and never getting it. 44 00:02:57,080 --> 00:03:00,120 - Boredom. - She had typhoid. She didn't suffer from typhoid. 45 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:01,400 But she never had symptoms. 46 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,840 Yes, thank you. Thank you, Lucy Porter. 47 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:07,880 - You're welcome, Stephen Fry. - She didn't have the symptoms, as Typhoid Mary, 48 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:12,440 round about the turn of the century was a cook in New York. 49 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:15,480 - An Irish immigrant. - As the name would suggest, Irish. 50 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:20,200 Yeah. And she had typhoid, but no symptoms, she wasn't ill. 51 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,040 She was immune to it, to all intents and purposes. 52 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:26,640 But, she was able to give it to others, and she did. 53 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,680 30, 40, 50 people, possibly. 54 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:34,320 It must have been freezing in that ward with all that snow. 55 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:35,480 That's normally on the... 56 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:38,240 It's taking... It's taking his mind off the fact he's being 57 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,840 attacked by an octopus, at the back there. 58 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,640 Something with trailing legs. 59 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,680 Presumably they're, they're all lying there going, 60 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:50,120 - "Sorry, what did you say your name was? What Mary?" - Exactly. 61 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:54,600 - "Glad to sharing a ward with you." - Well, the sad thing is that she was not a nice person, 62 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:56,160 by any way of looking at it. 63 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:59,240 All right, Stephen, she's dead - come on. 64 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,120 Well, the thing is, she worked in households as a cook 65 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:06,080 and people would die of typhoid in the household where she cooked, 66 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,040 and she would mysteriously leave and take up a job in another one. 67 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,720 - So she knew that she was a carrier. - Oh, she was a carrier. 68 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,080 Because she was put into quarantine, and then she could go free 69 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:18,320 as long as she never worked in service again, didn't cook. 70 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:22,480 Within weeks, she got another job as a cook, and she tried to 71 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,520 hide from the authorities, and so she ended up, the last two 72 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,440 decades of her life in quarantine 73 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,800 and she died of pneumonia, in fact. 74 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,160 Ah. 75 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,600 How did she pass it on? Saliva, fluids, body fluids. 76 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,080 Oh, because she was, yeah, she had typhoid. 77 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:38,440 - She went... - BREATHES OUT AND MIMES COUGHING 78 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:41,800 Yeah. But she actually coughed, anything like that. Yeah. 79 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:44,960 - She didn't have to wee in the soup. - And so her name has become synonymous. 80 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:48,040 I don't know about it, I thought it was waterborne. Or was that cholera? 81 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,120 Well, it's spread by the... 82 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:53,280 The germ in question is salmonella typhi. 83 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,440 The salmonellas. 84 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,280 I thought you said that it's spread by a German. 85 00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:02,920 I thought you said, just one German, walking around the place. 86 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:04,720 Is that the fella there, is it? 87 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,080 There it is, yeah. 88 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:09,840 - Yeah. - Unpleasant-looking. Why is it called salmonella? 89 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:12,880 Salmon, that's salmon it's from, so it's fishborne. 90 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:19,080 They were named by a bacteriologist called Salmon. 91 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,680 - Oh, of course. - Dr Daniel Salmon. 92 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:21,760 Of course. 93 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,600 Who also died of pneumonia, as it happens, not of salmonella. 94 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:29,120 Well, I'll tell you what, I'm looking at that, I'm never going to eat Wotsits again. 95 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,680 Now, what's the most deadly thing 96 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:37,840 you can find in a doctor's waiting room? 97 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:41,480 - And you can look at that picture. - Oh, a copy of the Daily Telegraph. 98 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,960 LAUGHTER 99 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:47,320 I'm guessing, looking at that example, 100 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:51,080 is it the tiny baby bear which has crawled out 101 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,640 from inside that plant there? 102 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:58,920 Oh, is it going to be that lethal water carrier thing in the corner? 103 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,280 Hang on, right next to a lamp?! Water next to electricity? 104 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,760 That's a Health and Safety nightmare! 105 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:08,440 - POSH VOICE: - These people are seconds from death, why? 106 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,320 You've got a fire engine there, you'll be fine. 107 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:15,280 - Oh, yeah, yeah. - That's true. - On an electrical fire?! Are you mad?! 108 00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:17,280 LAUGHTER 109 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:20,960 - Come on! - Does she take the pen and stab everyone in the waiting room? 110 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,240 - That's another... - That would be dangerous. 111 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,120 - Actually, Ross got it straightaway. - Shut your face! 112 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,320 - It's the bear. - I knew it was the bear. - The bear? - Yeah. 113 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:32,280 - Why is it the bear? - Ha-ha, the murderer is in this very room! 114 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,560 Well, you can't trust bears. Bears are shifty. 115 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:37,280 LAUGHTER 116 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,800 - Can I say that isn't ACTUALLY a bear. - Ah. 117 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,680 - It looks like a bear. - Well... 118 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,880 If it were a bear, it would be far and away 119 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,480 the most dangerous thing in the room. It's... 120 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,160 I'd say to you, "prove it"! 121 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,320 It's a soft cuddly toy. 122 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:54,680 - Covered in germs! It's a carrier of diseases. - Yes. 123 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,200 It's Bear Mary. 124 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,520 LAUGHTER 125 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,880 - Big bear's bear, you're right. - Typhoid bear. 126 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:03,400 - Typhoid Beary, yeah. - Yeah. Typhoid bearer. 127 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,440 Did you see what she did there? 128 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,200 Typhoid Bearer, eh? Ha-ha! 129 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,320 Because a bear can't... 130 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:11,000 A bear can't shit in the woods... 131 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,640 A bear can't be cut... A bear can't... 132 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,480 I don't know if I can really say this, because it sounds odd, 133 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,640 but a bear can't be wiped down. 134 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,120 - LAUGHTER - You've tried! 135 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,880 Well, I mean, it can obviously be wiped down. 136 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,640 You've wiped a lot of bears down. Come on, Stephen. 137 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:29,040 LAUGHTER 138 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:32,200 APPLAUSE 139 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:42,200 Not as hygienically as, say, an abacus, is that a Barbie or a Sindy? 140 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,040 - I'm not really... - That's a Sindy. - That's a Sindy. - Sindy... 141 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,640 You've got to wipe them down every 45 minutes. 142 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,520 - Lego tower... Her legs go all the way up. - The doll, of course... 143 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,320 - You can chuck in the machine, can't you, your teddy bear? - I do. 144 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,040 - You can do what? - Chuck it in the machine. 145 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,800 - Chuck it in the machine. On a hot wash, on a boil. - You can, you can. 146 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:02,160 So, are we coming to the conclusion that Pudsey needs to die? 147 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,160 LAUGHTER 148 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,600 That's how he lost his eye, because somebody... 149 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,800 No, he just needs to be boiled. Not killed, just boiled! 150 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,640 Not too boiled. 151 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,040 That would be the best opening to Children In Need ever, 152 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,200 if it was literally cut to Terry Wogan, 153 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,920 he was just there going, "Ah, good old Pudsey!" 154 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:20,080 HE YELLS 155 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:23,360 "Give me the money or Pudsey boils." 156 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:27,080 There is something very eerie when you put kids' toys in the machine 157 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,720 and wash them and then you just see their little faces 158 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:33,360 - pressed against the glass. - Aah, and the children sit... 159 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,400 Because you say to the kids, "You next, yeah." 160 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:38,280 The children sit there watching them going round and round. 161 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,160 - Now we know why it's called Winnie The Pooh. - Hey, you're right! 162 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,920 His real name is "Winnie The Filthy Shit". 163 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,360 LAUGHTER 164 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,840 Oh, dear! 165 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:49,240 Thank you very much. 166 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,440 APPLAUSE 167 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:56,920 13.5% of "hard" toys 168 00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,560 in GP's waiting rooms... 169 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,200 - Don't google that, whatever you do! - LAUGHTER 170 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,800 - Don't google "hard toys"! - No. 171 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,680 Don't google "wiping down bears". 172 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,960 LAUGHTER 173 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,400 Basically, it's a nightmare, isn't it? 174 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:15,800 Certainly not "Winnie The Filthy Shit". 175 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:19,520 She's a lovely girl, but she should never have started that website. 176 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:22,480 You don't want to see... Not while you're eating, anyway. 177 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,880 A shocking 90% of soft toys 178 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:31,240 had serious moderate to heavy bacterial contamination. 179 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:32,880 That's what I want to leave you with. 180 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,680 LAUGHTER Magazines... 181 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:38,480 Why do you think that the magazines 182 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:42,040 in doctors' waiting rooms are so dull, so uninteresting? 183 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:44,480 Because people steal the good ones, presumably! 184 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,160 Is the right answer! 185 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:47,920 CHEERING Very good! 186 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,280 APPLAUSE 187 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,280 It's as simple as that. 188 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:55,320 - Yeah. - Yeah. - Well, I'm not the only one, then. That is good... 189 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:57,480 LAUGHTER 190 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:00,600 I would never buy Now or Chat, but if it's there... 191 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:05,160 Yeah. Nobody steals New Statesman or The Economist. 192 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:06,280 You might be able... 193 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,640 Where do we stand on the gentleman's literature... 194 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,760 in the booths... 195 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,920 at a place of...fluid deposits? 196 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,680 LAUGHTER 197 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,720 - The sperm banks? - That's the word I'm looking for. 198 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,800 - Are they taken away? - What I'm saying is, is that, you know, 199 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,960 - when they provide the... - HE MUTTERS 200 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,600 ..where does that stand in the... You know... 201 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,240 Like, on the filth scale, what are we...? 202 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:32,720 LAUGHTER 203 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,960 Because I've only done that once 204 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,080 and there wasn't literature. 205 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:40,160 Strictly speaking, it wasn't a sperm bank, but... 206 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,440 LAUGHTER 207 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,960 Hang on, no, no, I... It was a regular doctor... 208 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,120 It was the sperm building society. 209 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:50,560 - It was a... - It was a regular doctor's? 210 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:54,240 - It was a... No, wait... - You went to the doctor's for a wank? - Yes! 211 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,920 No, no, no. 212 00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,760 What happened was, I used to live right out in the bush, 213 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,680 - right out in the countryside, right, miles away, right. - Yeah, good! 214 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:06,440 LAUGHTER 215 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:09,800 - And I needed to do the... - Were you on a register? 216 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,960 LAUGHTER 217 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,480 I am now! But the... 218 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,760 No, but we lived too far away. 219 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,560 By the time you've done the deposit in the beaker... 220 00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:21,640 - Your sperm have died. - Exactly. By the time you drove in. 221 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:22,800 So, my wife just said, 222 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,520 "Hey, why don't we just go to the regular doctor's 223 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,280 "and then you nip into the... and then have..." 224 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:30,320 and the only thing that was in there was, 225 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:33,880 you know on a lady's sanitary bag, 226 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,360 - they have a picture of a woman in Victorian costume? - Yes. 227 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,080 LAUGHTER 228 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:42,320 There's very few things that I'm happy to admit in public, 229 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:46,120 but I can't look at Mary Poppins in the same way now. 230 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,680 LAUGHTER 231 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:52,040 - I fully, to the... With the... - You didn't do it in the bag? 232 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:53,600 LAUGHTER 233 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,560 - What I'm saying is... - Yes? 234 00:11:55,560 --> 00:12:00,080 What I'm saying is, when a gentleman goes to a sperm bank, 235 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:04,000 - and they provide you with... - No gentleman goes to a sperm bank, sir! 236 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,320 LAUGHTER 237 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:09,240 They provide you with a copy of Smash Hits, The One Direction Special... 238 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:10,800 LAUGHTER 239 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:11,880 Yeah. 240 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:14,440 - That's... Yes. - Or whatever, yeah. 241 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:18,600 I believe that's why Harry Styles's hair goes like that. 242 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,560 - Something about Harry. - Right across like that. Yeah. 243 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,520 APPLAUSE 244 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,680 So, there we are. 245 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:32,960 The most dangerous thing in a waiting room is a cuddly toy. 246 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,240 Which bits of your bodies could you do without? 247 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,400 I'm going to give you an example of a human body. 248 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:41,760 So, that you can possibly... That's for you two. 249 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:45,000 - Kidney, you can lose a kidney, can't you? - This is for you two. This is... 250 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,640 That is one of the most macabre 251 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,000 Bobbleheads I've ever seen. Look at that. 252 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,880 LAUGHTER 253 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,120 - "Good afternoon." - Woohoo! 254 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,840 - Shall we take out the bits we think? - Yeah, take out the... 255 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,240 Take out the bits we think? 256 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,640 Take out a bit that you think we can do without. 257 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:03,040 - You're taking out the entire intestines. - Stop it. 258 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,720 LAUGHTER 259 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:09,240 There goes the liver. There goes one lung and another. 260 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,400 I don't know what that is, but it's going. 261 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,840 ALAN GROANS 262 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:19,880 - You got that right. - He died. It's died. - That's one dead human. 263 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:22,480 Are you offering me a lung? Half a brain. 264 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:25,440 No, I was just trying to make a pork pie. 265 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,800 LAUGHTER 266 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,080 Oh! 267 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,680 Fine, it's fine... 268 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,280 There it is! 269 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,360 What have you got there? A kidney. 270 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:38,520 A kidney. That's what I was looking for! 271 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:42,000 It's not good surgical practice to get rid of everything else 272 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,840 - between you and the kidney. - I couldn't get to the kidney! 273 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,680 And now, I can't get it back together again. 274 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,600 - I'm going to say... - Nurse! - Right. 275 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:54,640 I'm going to say, if you're a man, you don't... Do you need a nipple? 276 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:57,480 It's a very good question, as to why men have nipples at all. 277 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:00,680 They look hot when they're pierced, but apart from that. 278 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:03,320 I don't really know why else you would need one. 279 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,520 Well, the fact is that, there are lots of bits you can do without. 280 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,440 - Tonsils, obviously, you knew that. - Appendix, you have those out. 281 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,960 Appendix, you knew that. What else have you come across? 282 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,680 You've given me a kidney, which is good. 283 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,200 I can't get it back together again. 284 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:18,080 - Gall bladder you could give me. Sinuses. - Head. 285 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,720 - Sinuses? - Yeah. - You don't need a face. - Appendix. Testes. 286 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,320 I mean, obviously, we LIKE having testes, if you're a man, 287 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,280 but you won't die if they're taken away. 288 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,920 - Mine hasn't got any testes, sir. - Uterus. - Uterus, ovaries, 289 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,200 - all that shebang. - You can lose the ovaries. 290 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:34,640 - Basically, all you need is a neck. - Yeah. Half your brain can go. 291 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:37,520 In fact, there's an operation, a hemispherectomy. 292 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,360 - Well you've done very well with that, haven't you? - Thanks, yes. 293 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:42,560 LAUGHTER 294 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,560 - Congratulations. - Thank you very much. 295 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:46,960 APPLAUSE 296 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,920 - If you remove... - Oh, hang on, hair! What about hair? 297 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:53,080 Yes. And what do you reckon, Matt? 298 00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:56,440 LAUGHTER 299 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:03,160 Well, I don't know why you're asking me. 300 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:06,520 - What happens if I were to remove four fifths of your liver? - Yeah. 301 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,560 It would grow back. 302 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:11,560 Yes, that's the thing about livers, they do, they regenerate, 303 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:12,720 you get that back. 304 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,800 - Teeth, obviously. - Bladders can also be regrown, amazingly. 305 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,600 The bones in your leg, the fibula and tibia, 306 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,320 the fibula isn't load-bearing, 307 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,160 so you could lose that and you'd still be able to walk. 308 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:27,160 Really? I'll have that out. I'm going to do it. 309 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,640 Can you name one of the most famous people on earth 310 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:34,360 who has gone without a lung since he was a teenager? 311 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:37,360 - He, so, it's a he. - Justin Bieber. 312 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,440 Possibly more famous than Justin Bieber. 313 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,680 Barack Obama. No, I can't. I don't know. 314 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,840 Hang on a minute, more famous than Justin Bieber? 315 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:49,600 - Harry Styles? - Argentinian. 316 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:52,360 "I don't know foreign people, what's all this about?!" 317 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,400 - There's only one truly famous Argentinian. - "Well, I don't know 'em, 318 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,680 "I don't know, I tell you, I don't watch that show." 319 00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,600 - Pele. - Diego Mara... - Diego Maradona. 320 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,480 Diego Maradona's the only one I know. 321 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,560 - No. The Pope! ALL: - Oh. 322 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:05,920 - Oh, yes, he is quite famous! - Pope Francis, there he is. 323 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:08,400 - The Pope, yes. - Yeah. - He's only got the one lung? 324 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,640 He's gone happily without a lung for a long time. 325 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,600 What happened when they were picking him 326 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,960 and all that smoke's coming out of the top... 327 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,960 Oh, I bet he was wheezing up that bit, wasn't he? 328 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,720 Going "Hey! You're the Pope!" 329 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,720 He's going, "Oh, oh, me lungs! Oh, me one lung's playing up, mate!" 330 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,520 Was he born with one lung, or did he have it removed, he lost it? 331 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:28,360 As a teenager he had one removed. So, good. 332 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:30,600 - Can you pop your bodies away. Did I just say that? - Yes. 333 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:34,000 - Put your bodies away. - And we just reacted as if that was normal. 334 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:37,600 There's your kidney. OK, so, Alan, I've got a question for you. 335 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,200 It's quite complicated in a way. 336 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,960 If you had kidney failure... 337 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,160 Right. 338 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:47,360 I would willingly, happily, gladly donate a kidney to you. 339 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,600 LAUGHTER 340 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,160 There you are... 341 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:55,160 I don't like the way they're looking at me, I must say. 342 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,560 - So, you've got one of my kidneys, I'm glad... - Thank you, Stephen. 343 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,040 There's no greater cause. 344 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,640 That would leave me with one kidney, obviously. 345 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,640 How many kidneys would you have? 346 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,720 Well, I presume that I've lost one, 347 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:11,040 one's failed, and you've given me one, so I've got two. 348 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:13,120 KLAXON BLARES Oh! 349 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,000 - It's a strange thing... - 14 years! 350 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,720 ..in the world of renology, 351 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:25,360 is that when someone has a kidney transplant... 352 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,920 - Yes. They take them both out. - The old one stays in. 353 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:32,080 - Oh, does it? - Yes. So you'd have three. - Oh. - Very odd, isn't it? 354 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,400 - That's greedy, isn't it? - It's greedy, it seems it. 355 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:37,200 There's a case of a man who had repeated transplants 356 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,120 and he has five kidneys inside him. 357 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:42,200 - Enough for a pie, isn't it? - He's almost a stew. 358 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,440 LAUGHTER 359 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,000 Oh, I wish I was wearing a hat, 360 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,680 I would have taken it off to you for that. 361 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,320 Here's another handshake. 362 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,200 Well, there are many body parts that anybody can do without. 363 00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:00,960 What's wrong with 80% of medical students? 364 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,960 They're so tired from pole dancing all night... 365 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,320 LAUGHTER 366 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,000 ..they can't focus. 367 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,240 They're exhausted from complaining about being tired. 368 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,400 Well, medical students do get a hard time of it, 369 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,920 they get very tired, but they have a condition. 370 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,400 I'm going to say 371 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:26,600 that they imagine that they're ill a lot, because they... 372 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,920 It's what I have, where you read about stuff, and you go, 373 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:32,480 "Oh, my God! Totally got that! I've got totally got that!" 374 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,920 Yes, hypochondria is what it's all about. 375 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:38,880 And medical students tend to believe they have the disease of the week. 376 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:43,040 Each week, they learn about some extraordinary new condition 377 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,240 and they believe they have it. 378 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:48,280 And vets get that as well and they think they've got myxomatosis. 379 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:49,600 LAUGHTER 380 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,600 If you were a vet, then you'd end up just loving your ball. 381 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:54,560 LAUGHTER 382 00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,600 "Oh, he loves his food, don't you, Doctor?" "Yeah!" 383 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,240 "Stop licking that, Doctor, stop licking it!" 384 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:05,760 "He doesn't mind, he likes it!" 385 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:09,440 LAUGHTER Yeah, it's called Medical Student Syndrome, 386 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,840 and it was first identified in 1908, 387 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:13,360 so it's well over 100 years old. 388 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,560 If they read about Medical Student Syndrome, 389 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,600 they will also believe they've got that. 390 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,720 - They'll think they've got everything. - Even if they haven't, 391 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:24,560 they will then get it. So, it's long been recognised. 392 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:27,040 The worst case scenario is always death. 393 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,440 It could be, you may just have a headache, 394 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:32,000 - or it may be a terminal brain tumour. - Yeah. 395 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,400 We just don't know. Good day. 396 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,440 When you smell something that isn't there and no-one else can smell, 397 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,880 Like, "Can you smell burning rubber or burning hair?" 398 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,520 And they go, "No. Oh, you might have a brain tumour." 399 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:44,400 - Yeah. Or you're pregnant. - Or your head might be on fire! 400 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:45,920 Oh, yeah. 401 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:49,040 "I can smell burning hair." "Yeah, you want to put that out, mate." 402 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,000 Yeah, possibly. 403 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,640 Who might be having sex 404 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,040 on your face 405 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:56,320 right now? 406 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,320 LAUGHTER 407 00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,920 Kim and Kanye? 408 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,600 - In your dreams! - They love it! 409 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:08,680 Who is having sex on your face right now? 410 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,760 - Bacteria. It's usually bacteria, go with me on this. - Mites. 411 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,520 Mites, you said mites. Mites was the right answer. 412 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:17,440 - Mites. - Mites. 413 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,640 - Well, it MIGHT be. - Let's... Hey! 414 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,040 - Mites, maybe. - Let's consider this. 415 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:26,240 There are mites that live on the human face. 416 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:28,880 They, unfortunately... 417 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,640 They're disgusted already, don't go any further! 418 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,440 Only 14% of them are visible to the human eye, 419 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:37,320 - most of them are not. ALL: - 14%?! 420 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,640 - Yes. - Visible? - Yeah. Listening very closely. 421 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,720 What, just... "I like your moustache!" 422 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,440 And then it starts curling up like that. 423 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:45,840 HE JABBERS 424 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:49,240 Not that visible, I mean, they're really, really tiny. 425 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:52,480 They're very small. They have no anuses. 426 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,120 Oh, thank God for that! 427 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,920 No! 428 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,560 I don't mind the intercourse, it's the shitting I can't stand. 429 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:01,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 430 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:05,760 Unfortunately, Alan, the fact they have no anuses means 431 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,360 that when they die, 432 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:11,720 a whole lifetime's waste is deposited on your face. 433 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,200 LAUGHTER 434 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,720 That's what happens. 435 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,920 Is this 14% waste you can see? 436 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,840 No. But what percentage of human... 437 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,320 That's a lovely tan you've got there, Stephen. 438 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,680 LAUGHTER 439 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,240 You may be right. 440 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,520 But what percentage, tracking that waste, 441 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,560 voided at the death of the mite, 442 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,640 on account of its having no anus, 443 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,760 what percentage of human beings 444 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,920 has been calculated to have mites on their face? 445 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:47,800 - Oh, I know this. - Yeah? - But I'm not going to tell you. 446 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:51,920 Oh, I'll guess at either 12 or 86. 447 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,880 - Any other thoughts? - High. - 0.1%. - High. - 91%. 448 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:57,880 No, the answer is 100%. 449 00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:02,600 - Oh... - We all have these mites on our faces. 450 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,480 LAUGHTER All of us, all of us. 451 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:08,680 And there's nothing... You can't wash them out, 452 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:12,400 - they're perfectly happy to have water... - Her Majesty the Queen? - Yes. 453 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:15,000 - Her Majesty the Queen has... - Royal mites. 454 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,400 ..has anus-less mites wandering about willy nilly on her face? 455 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,920 Jawohl! German mites! 456 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:22,320 Unbelievable! 457 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:24,200 Her Royal Highness?! 458 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:27,520 Yeah, I know. Hard to believe, isn't it? 459 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,560 But there it is, we all have mites on our face, 460 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:31,880 but there are also, some people believe two thirds 461 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:36,280 and other scientists believe 98% of us have eyebrow mites. 462 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:39,160 Although one of us here, 463 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:43,160 one of us here won't have eyebrow mites. 464 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,960 Matt might not have eyebrows. 465 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,440 So, he doesn't, so he doesn't! 466 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,560 I don't got no eyebrows, cos... 467 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,880 Mum says it's cos I'm special. 468 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,600 LAUGHTER 469 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:58,080 - Well, you are special. - I am. - You are. 470 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,080 I lost my hair when I was six. 471 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,880 Was it traumatic? Did you bang your head or something? 472 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,640 - Well you know, Duncan Goodhew fell out of a tree. - Yeah. 473 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:09,320 Well, it was my head he landed on and my hair... 474 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,560 Hey! No, because. 475 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,600 Why? I think it's an overactive immune system, 476 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:16,600 that something happened, 477 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,880 then something inside me said, "Right, we don't need no hair!" 478 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:23,160 - Like I'm not... - And treated your hair as a foreign invader. 479 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,040 Yeah, maybe it was just a warm day, 480 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:27,880 and we didn't have the window open, I don't know. 481 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:29,680 Maybe you're just a super-evolved human, 482 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,280 because we don't really need hair and we're all going... 483 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,080 No, we do, this country's cold! 484 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,240 LAUGHTER 485 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,360 We do, we do. 486 00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:41,160 I suffer, I do suffer. 487 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,160 Well, I would say, I mean, I feel your pain, 488 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:47,240 but I would say that I'm quite a hairy-chested man, 489 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,600 and with small children, when you're holding a small child, 490 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:55,000 they like to grab a hold of the chest hair and then just lean back. 491 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,280 LAUGHTER Ow. You don't want that. 492 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:01,440 And it's when you've got a beautiful little face just there, 493 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:04,800 - just looking at you and you go... - HE SCREAMS - ..into it. 494 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:09,160 - Apparently, that's not good for raising a child. - Right. 495 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:12,640 - You're trying to make me feel better? - Yeah. - Well, you didn't, 496 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,120 because I'm gay. I don't have children, I'm very lonely. 497 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:16,800 AUDIENCE: Ahhh. 498 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:18,880 All right, then, well here's the thing, 499 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:21,400 - we'll work out a time-share thing. - OK. 500 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:26,640 - I will make you a chest wig out of my own chest hair... - Yes. 501 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:28,320 - And glue it onto you. - All right. 502 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,200 - And then allow my children to rip it off. - OK. 503 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,720 I'm all about equality, I want you to feel the pain 504 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:37,280 - of having your tits ripped off by a small child. - All right. 505 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,800 And I will arrange for a whole group of men 506 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,880 - to come and have sex with you. - Marvellous! 507 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,400 APPLAUSE 508 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:51,000 Wow! Marvellous. You were there, ladies and gentlemen. 509 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:55,440 Now, which of your organs most resembles an elephant's trunk? 510 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:57,440 Come on. 511 00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,040 LAUGHTER 512 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:00,360 Oh, God. 513 00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:03,360 - Go on, who wants it? Alan, Ross, me? - No, no, no, no. 514 00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,400 - Who wants it? - Go on, you go on. 515 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:09,000 I'm just trying to think of the most humorous way to phrase it. 516 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,520 Yeah, well, no, it's not. It's not penis. It isn't. 517 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:16,120 - Of course, it isn't. Well... - Isn't it? Nose? - Can your penis do that? 518 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:17,840 An elephant's penis... 519 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:23,240 It may, there may be it's a dangling, pendulous appendage, your penis, 520 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,520 and so is a trunk, but really, 521 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,160 truly resembling in structure. 522 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,720 That's not one there, is it? Down the bottom there? 523 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:31,040 It's swinging, yes. 524 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,200 - That's it, that's the... - He's got tusks down there... 525 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,560 - There's a lot going on... - Stephen, move out of the way. 526 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:39,920 The, yeah, no, the elephant can... 527 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,560 - It has a... - Yeah. 528 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:43,960 Good God! 529 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:48,000 - Yes, all right. All right, class. - It has a... 530 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:51,520 Very amusing. There's an animal that has organs of generation, 531 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,520 let's laugh at that for a long time. 532 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,600 - Hmm. - Yeah, but it is quite funny. - It is funny, though. 533 00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:58,160 LAUGHTER 534 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,960 HE GIGGLES 535 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,760 The elephant, this is... 536 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,360 And this is true this, 537 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:08,920 - the elephant is the only mammal that has a chin. - Yes. 538 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,720 Well, what about humans?! 539 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:13,440 LAUGHTER 540 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,800 Well, yeah, obviously, apart from humans. 541 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,480 - Apart from humans. Bruce Forsyth. - He's got two. 542 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,640 Exactly, if he was an elephant. Imagine that. 543 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,120 But what is it about the trunk that... What is...? 544 00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:25,120 We have an organ that is like the trunk. 545 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,880 Is it the "prehensility", is that a word? 546 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,680 African elephants have almost like lips 547 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:32,960 which can pick up a blade of grass, 548 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,640 prehensile kind of little bits there, 549 00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:38,920 but the actual tongue itself is interesting, it's a muscle. 550 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:41,920 - Oh, hang on, so what about the lip? - I mean, the trunk. 551 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:44,440 - Ah, have you given us a hint? - The trunk is... - Ah, the tongue! 552 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:47,200 - The trunk and our tongue is the same. - Ah. - So what about...? 553 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,560 Our tongue is also a muscle. It's a muscular hydrostat. 554 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:54,760 The reason the trunk can take on any shape is because it's all muscle. 555 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:58,760 And mostly water, which you wouldn't think of a muscle, but it's true. 556 00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:01,200 And water can't be compressed, of course, 557 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,960 liquids cannot be compressed. 558 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:04,560 I've had a Capri-Sun 559 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,240 and they've got that packet, 560 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:09,720 - and they carry it around. - You can put them under pressure, but they will burst out. 561 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,760 So, that means like, so you can pull a muscle, so does that mean 562 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,720 that sometimes an elephant will be flicking away and... 563 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:16,840 And pull his tongue. 564 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:19,960 And he'll go, "Ow! I've cramped-up me trunk!" 565 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,960 - It's a horrible thought. - And they have to rub a bit of Deep Heat. 566 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:26,200 You have to go some to pull a muscle in your tongue though, don't you? 567 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:29,040 Well, while on the subject of muscles, 568 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,520 which of us here has the strongest muscle? 569 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:34,560 Well, it's bound to be the lady, isn't it? 570 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,280 I don't look like that. 571 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:40,040 - Yeah, for the birthing. - Yes, so, which muscle would it be? 572 00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:43,280 Pelvic floor? They're always going on about the pelvic floor. 573 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:44,600 LAUGHTER 574 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:48,760 - It's the uterus. - Oh, the uterus! - The uterus is a muscle. Yeah. - Yes. 575 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,040 And of all the muscles in the human body, 576 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:54,520 it exerts the most pressure, pound for pound. 577 00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:59,000 The amount of force that it exerts is the equivalent to a long bow, 578 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,720 - so if you imagine someone... - Good God! 579 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:04,120 Pray God, I'm looking under the desk going, 580 00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:06,120 "Don't have a long bow under there, please." 581 00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:07,440 I am not prepared to do that! 582 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:10,240 Is that why when my wife went into labour she put an apple on my head? 583 00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,280 LAUGHTER 584 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:18,000 Well, the jaw can exert pressure which is extremely high 585 00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:22,000 and 500 pounds per square inch, roughly, which is enormous. 586 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,160 And the gluteus maximus is the largest muscle in the human body, 587 00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:29,280 the buttock muscle. But it is the uterus that wins the prize. 588 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:31,680 Now, you mentioned the gluteus maximus, 589 00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:33,600 the arse muscles there. 590 00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:35,880 This is a true thing, right. 591 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:41,920 It is physically impossible for the human buttocks to break an egg. 592 00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:44,520 - LAUGHTER - That is true. 593 00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:47,040 That is absolutely 100% true 594 00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:49,960 and I've tried it, and... 595 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:54,520 - And the beautiful thing... - You put it in the crack in the cleavage? 596 00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:55,880 As much as you want. 597 00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:59,160 He's not allowed to work in kitchens any more. 598 00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:01,920 And he keeps going back like Typhoid Mary. 599 00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:06,440 Yeah, if you put the egg between the buttocks, 600 00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:08,720 and then it doesn't matter how hard you squeeze, 601 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:10,160 impossible to crack the egg. 602 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:12,240 Now, here's the thing, I know that to be true, 603 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:14,880 there might be people watching this who question that. 604 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:16,800 But I like to think all over the country... 605 00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:20,800 People are now introducing eggs into the area. 606 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:22,520 Heading for the kitchen, 607 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:24,360 "Is Noble lying or not?" Hmm. 608 00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:27,080 I mean, if you've got somebody lying there, you put an egg there, 609 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:28,880 if somebody else is there to go like that. 610 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,800 Ah, but then that's not the muscle doing it. 611 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:33,760 - Ah, OK, yeah. - That's the point. 612 00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:36,720 It's the muscle, can you by a twitch, a pulling in? 613 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,760 - Exactly. - I'm doing it now. 614 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:42,480 - LAUGHTER - I think the worry would be... 615 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:45,360 Underneath... Oh, that Cadbury's Creme Egg is gone. 616 00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:46,560 LAUGHTER 617 00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:48,880 That's probably melting rather than... 618 00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:51,840 The worry is that you do it and the egg could go right up. 619 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:54,560 - That's a worry? - You see, that's interesting. 620 00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:56,160 LAUGHTER 621 00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:57,400 APPLAUSE 622 00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:58,680 Sorry. 623 00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:06,200 So, yes, your tongue is a muscular hydrostat, 624 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:08,360 like an elephant's trunk. 625 00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:13,080 What's the difference between "post-orgasmic illness syndrome" 626 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:15,240 and "floppy trunk syndrome"? 627 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:16,840 GIGGLING 628 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:21,520 It was a mistake to choose the blue costume, wasn't it? 629 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:26,520 - Those pink ones are floppy trunks, technically. - Yes. 630 00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:28,800 He needs a bra, doesn't he, that fella... 631 00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:33,320 - It's show-casing the medal lovely though, isn't it? - Yeah. 632 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:35,160 LAUGHTER 633 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:37,440 Are these human conditions? 634 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:39,680 In the case of floppy trunk syndrome, 635 00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:42,520 I can tell you that it's not a human condition, 636 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:44,720 - you'll be pleased to know. - Is it an elephant? 637 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:47,080 It is a condition that affects elephants, 638 00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:50,040 a very unhappy condition, affects African elephants. 639 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:52,640 They can't do anything, without that, can they? 640 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:54,120 No, they absolutely can't. 641 00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:56,440 It just seems to lose all power and it flops 642 00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:59,640 and they often push it over their heads to keep it out of the way... 643 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:02,840 - What, flick it away? - ..to stop it trailing on the ground. 644 00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:06,320 And then the lady elephant says, "Don't worry, it's happened before." 645 00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:08,480 - Yes, leaf through these books. - Doesn't matter. 646 00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:11,840 And they have to half immerse themselves in water just to drink. 647 00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:14,240 They can't eat properly, they get emaciated 648 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:15,840 and they're very often put to death 649 00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:18,400 as a kind of mercy killing, because there's no cure for it 650 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:20,800 and there's no understanding of where it comes from. 651 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:24,560 There must be some kind of erectile dysfunction technology 652 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:28,440 - that could help. - I suppose, it's a muscle after all, therefore... 653 00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:31,680 What you don't want is it suddenly shooting straight up. 654 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:33,360 LAUGHTER 655 00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:34,720 That's equally useless. 656 00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:38,840 It's true, that is just hopeless. 657 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:42,480 "Equally useless" is a very good phrase. 658 00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:44,200 It can't get out from the tree. 659 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:45,960 LAUGHTER 660 00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:48,120 So that's your floppy trunk syndrome. 661 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:49,960 What's your post-orgasmic illness? 662 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:53,320 - I presume that does affect humans rather than... - This is human, yeah. 663 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:55,800 Is it those feelings of revulsion that you get after... 664 00:31:55,800 --> 00:31:57,120 Yes, yeah, absolutely. 665 00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,960 Where you're just saying, "I don't even care what is, 666 00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:03,960 - "I don't know the name, I just want them to leave." - Yeah. - Yeah. 667 00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:08,120 You can say, "Just here, please, driver," and get out. 668 00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:11,000 This is a worse version. These are the symptoms. 669 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,920 After sex, flu-like symptoms, 670 00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:17,120 rashes, itching, exhaustion and concentration difficulties, 671 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:18,160 Alan. 672 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:21,280 I'm sorry? 673 00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:22,880 It happens to men 674 00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:28,800 and it's believed to be a result of being allergic to your own semen. 675 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:30,160 Ah. 676 00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:32,960 Not because you've drunk it or tasted it, 677 00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:35,680 though let's face it, which of us hasn't? 678 00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:37,200 It's... 679 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,920 Oh... Oh, dear. 680 00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:41,920 Did I mis...? Did I misjudge? 681 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:46,160 Stephen, Stephen, my mum's sitting just up there. 682 00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:48,720 - Oh! I'm sorry. - She told me not to do this show. 683 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:50,920 I am so sorry. 684 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:54,160 See if you can guess the cure for being allergic to your own semen? 685 00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:56,680 Introduced onto your skin or anything like that, 686 00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:58,800 it caused the problem. 687 00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:03,080 To solve it, because you know, like, if you're like allergic to cats 688 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:07,240 - and you slowly bring a cat closer... - Yes. - Is it the same thing? 689 00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:10,840 - Yes. - Do you just...? - Yes, it is. - You stand on your head and, well...? 690 00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:12,560 Well, you don't have to do that, 691 00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:14,840 - you ask a doctor to do it for you. - Oh, God, no! 692 00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:18,720 Multiple subcutaneous injections of your own semen. 693 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:22,640 Well, I've injected into others, but not into myself. 694 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:24,200 Oh! 695 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:25,360 I would... 696 00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:27,960 How dare you?! Your mum's in tonight! 697 00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:29,960 Oh, yeah, sorry, Mum. Sorry. 698 00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:32,200 I'd be less comfortable injecting into myself, 699 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:33,560 I don't think it would reach. 700 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:35,480 Right, yes, absolutely, completely. 701 00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:39,120 Oh, don't go coy, now, Stephen Fry! You brought it up! 702 00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:42,480 Why, on this picture of sperm, have they blotted out all the faces? 703 00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:44,200 LAUGHTER 704 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:46,200 Good question. 705 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:48,520 Well, that seems to be the problem with multiple... 706 00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:51,200 Oh, post-orgasmic syndrome. 707 00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:54,440 LAUGHTER 708 00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:56,760 I imagine the effort, the physical effort. 709 00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:59,560 Another unfortunate allergy is suffered by Ian Wragg, 710 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:01,240 spelled W-R-A-G-G, 711 00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:03,120 a Yorkshire magician, 712 00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:05,920 - who is allergic to the rabbits that he pulls out of the hat. - Aah. 713 00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:10,160 Well, why doesn't he pull out cocker spaniels, or kittens or... 714 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:12,880 That must be brilliant though, seeing his show. 715 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,200 Because the top hat, if he puts his hand in, 716 00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:17,120 his hand comes out twice the size. 717 00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:22,560 He doesn't even need to pull the rabbit out. 718 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:24,760 - "Look at this, kids!" - HE YELLS 719 00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:29,800 We had a lady who came in to work on Little Britain, 720 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:33,400 an animal handler, and she was terrified of... 721 00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:37,000 Is that for bringing in David Walliams? "Here he is!" 722 00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:41,080 - HE GROWLS - "Oh!" 723 00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:42,560 It was... 724 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:45,880 I'm diplomatically not laughing, but I'm laughing inside. 725 00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:50,200 And this animal handler was terrified of mice 726 00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:51,920 and she had mice on the show. 727 00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:54,240 - She was like... "Ugh, ugh!" - No? - Yeah. 728 00:34:54,240 --> 00:34:57,800 And I just thought, "Pick another job, there's a lot of other jobs." 729 00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:00,480 - It's ridiculous. - Yeah, I know. - That's very funny. 730 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:02,320 I once worked with an animal handler who, 731 00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:04,240 he had a parrot on his shoulder 732 00:35:04,240 --> 00:35:05,760 and he was chatting away 733 00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:07,400 and then every now and again, 734 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:09,960 the parrot would just steal his hearing aid. 735 00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:12,440 LAUGHTER 736 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:15,280 And every time he did it, he looked at him as if to go, 737 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:17,680 "Oh, my parrot's just stolen my hearing aid." 738 00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:20,760 And then he had to try and get it back off the parrot... 739 00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:22,520 "The parrot's got it." "What?" 740 00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:24,920 "The parrot's got it." "What? Oh..." 741 00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:27,920 - Well, there you go. - "I've got it... What?" 742 00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:30,840 That's one of the worst things an elephant can suffer from, 743 00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:33,040 it's floppy trunk syndrome. 744 00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:35,120 Who has the best teeth in the world? 745 00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:37,760 - I really like this question and the answer. - The Bee Gees. 746 00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:40,920 - Bee Gees, they have good teeth. - John Bishop? 747 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:44,440 - I'm looking for a nation, I'm looking for a people. - Americans. 748 00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:47,240 KLAXON BLARES Who did you say, Americans? No. 749 00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:48,640 No, I didn't say that. 750 00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:51,640 Is it Scandinavian, it must be the Scandinavians... 751 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,520 - No. - Oh, no, it'll be... - The English. - It'll be the... 752 00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:57,880 - Yes! The British. - Yeah! - The British have the best teeth in the world! 753 00:35:57,880 --> 00:35:59,240 CHEERING 754 00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:02,640 It's true. According to... 755 00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:04,520 We win again! 756 00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:05,960 According to the OECD, 757 00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:09,920 the Organisation of Economic Co-operation and Development, 758 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:11,880 - international body. - Well remembered. 759 00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:14,400 They looked at all the different nations of the Earth 760 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:17,880 and they found that, according to fillings and decay, and so on, 761 00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:23,120 that British children had the best teeth on Planet Earth! 762 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:25,920 Did they just go to one particular school in Notting Hill? 763 00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:27,640 I don't think so. I think it was... 764 00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:30,560 Yeah, they said that's because we've got less fillings, 765 00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:33,160 it may be because we don't go to the dentist at all. 766 00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:35,600 - "Fewer" fillings. - Fewer fillings. 767 00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:38,600 - Ooh! Stephen... - I was just being silly. 768 00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:40,520 - Knock knock. - Yeah, who's there? 769 00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:41,920 - To. - To who? 770 00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:43,400 No, it's "to whom". 771 00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:45,600 LAUGHTER 772 00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:47,880 APPLAUSE Yes, touche! 773 00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:49,920 - Yes. - Tou-bloody-che! 774 00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:51,160 Yes. Yes. 775 00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:53,800 - Oh, I love that. - LAUGHTER 776 00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:57,840 But, actually, you could argue that the best teeth in the world 777 00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:01,400 - are in fact not human, but the limpet. - The limpet. 778 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:04,240 - What's so great about limpets' teeth? - They get them stuck in a rock. 779 00:37:04,240 --> 00:37:05,680 Yeah, they're on their tongue 780 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:09,520 and they're the strongest biological matter on Earth. 781 00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:12,320 Incredible power. To give you an example... 782 00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:14,520 - "Limpets' teeth"? - Limpets' teeth. 783 00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:18,600 Now how do they compare, on the scale, bees' knees, limpets' teeth? 784 00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:23,920 Where are we on the scale there? 785 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:27,680 Well, it's about hanging things from spaghetti. 786 00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:29,720 - Right. - Right. 787 00:37:29,720 --> 00:37:31,800 The "bees' knees", I have to tell you, 788 00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:34,160 is just an American way of expressing 789 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:38,520 when immigrants from Italy and other places said, "It's the business." 790 00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:39,840 It's the "beesness". 791 00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:41,320 - Oh. - Became "bees' knees", 792 00:37:41,320 --> 00:37:45,640 So, it's not really anything to do with the knee of a bee, as such. 793 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:47,800 Oh, what about, "It's-a the dog's-a bollocks!" 794 00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:50,160 LAUGHTER 795 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:53,720 But their teeth strength is the equivalent of 796 00:37:53,720 --> 00:37:56,480 a single string of spaghetti 797 00:37:56,480 --> 00:38:01,280 holding up 3,000 half-kilo bags of sugar. 798 00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:04,880 - Or 1,500 kilo bags. - LAUGHTER 799 00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:06,400 Aaah, right. 800 00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:08,840 So. Moving on. 801 00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:12,880 And now, as is our general practice, 802 00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:16,240 it's time to prescribe a dose of General Ignorance. 803 00:38:16,240 --> 00:38:17,840 Fingers on buzzers. 804 00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:21,080 What did Gabriele Falloppio call these? 805 00:38:22,760 --> 00:38:25,320 DR ZHIVAGO THEME TUNE Yes, Lucy? 806 00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:26,880 "My bloody tubes." 807 00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:28,600 "My bloody tubes!" 808 00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:31,680 He didn't call them tubes. DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME TUNE 809 00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:34,120 Are they those, what do they call it, Beats? 810 00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:36,960 Those headphones, the Beats. 811 00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:38,640 LAUGHTER 812 00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:41,840 - Fallopians by Dre. - Yeah. - Dr Dre. 813 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,120 Fallopian tubes, we think of. 814 00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:47,040 - Yeah. - But Falloppio... - He called them something else. 815 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:51,200 He thought, when he identified these shapes inside the lady person... 816 00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:52,760 A lady's pipes. 817 00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:55,000 Yeah, he thought they reminded him of what were 818 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:57,360 in those days rather long musical instruments 819 00:38:57,360 --> 00:39:00,240 with an end like a trumpet's bell, these were tubas. 820 00:39:00,240 --> 00:39:03,760 And so he called them "tubas". 821 00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:05,960 And if you have a tuba, 822 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:09,960 if you have a word ending in A in Italian, 823 00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:12,560 how do you pluralise it? What is two "tuba"? 824 00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:14,080 - Tube. - "Tube." - Tube. 825 00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:17,280 Tube. With an E on the end, spelled T-U-B-E. 826 00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:22,040 So, when it went around the world as his "tube", his "tubas", 827 00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:23,560 people saw the word "tube". 828 00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:26,160 - But, in fact, he had called them "tubas". - Gosh! 829 00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:27,560 So now, when a lady breaks wind, 830 00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:30,080 she can say, "I'm sorry, "it's just my fallopian tubas." 831 00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:31,440 - ALAN PARPS - Just the old tuba. 832 00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:33,720 - HE PARPS - Sorry about my tuba. - Her tube. 833 00:39:33,720 --> 00:39:36,400 That's quite interesting, a reasonably interesting piece. 834 00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:38,720 - That is quite interesting. - Quite interesting, yes. 835 00:39:38,720 --> 00:39:40,440 He also gave the world the condom. 836 00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:43,400 He was 16th century, so it was in 1540s and '50s. 837 00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:46,120 - What were they made of, then? - I will show you. This. Linen. 838 00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:47,600 Oh, is it the old pig's bladder? 839 00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:50,440 - Would you like to play with a condom? - What, is that a real one? 840 00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:51,840 No, that's not a real one. 841 00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:54,760 No, made by our director's wife, as a matter of fact. 842 00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:00,160 HE PUFFS 843 00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:02,640 I love blowing up a condom, don't you? 844 00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:04,200 Falloppio was very... 845 00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:05,240 Didn't answer. 846 00:40:05,240 --> 00:40:06,480 ..ahead of his time. 847 00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:08,040 A condom for you, there you are. 848 00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:09,920 He was very ahead of his time. 849 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:14,440 He reckoned that the use of these would save a lot of deaths 850 00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:16,720 and infections from syphilis. 851 00:40:16,720 --> 00:40:18,520 And he actually gave... 852 00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:22,680 1,100 men, he gave condoms 853 00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:24,840 and none of them developed syphilis. 854 00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:28,040 Not one of those men got pregnant. Very good. 855 00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:30,680 - And I'll tell you what, keep you warm, wouldn't it. - Yeah. 856 00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:34,520 - Yeah, it's... - Not right for the woman, because it's quite abrasive. 857 00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:37,520 - Well, yes. - Well... - LUCY GIGGLES 858 00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:41,520 Yes, I don't know. Oh, Lucy! My! 859 00:40:41,520 --> 00:40:44,240 Well, it seems that a fallopian tube 860 00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:47,760 should really have been a fallopian tuba. 861 00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:52,120 So, which of these couples is most likely to catch a cold? 862 00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:57,080 Couple on the left, because you get more of it from contact with hands. 863 00:40:57,080 --> 00:41:00,240 - You're right. - Yeah, because then you scratch your eyes and you... 864 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:02,320 - That's exactly the point. - Yes. 865 00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:05,200 Mucus and the nose, and people who do that who've got a cold. 866 00:41:05,200 --> 00:41:07,280 They get left everywhere on door handles. 867 00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:10,360 They shake hands with someone. But saliva is not a problem, 868 00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:12,520 as far as cold transmission is concerned, at all. 869 00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:14,720 - Really? Saliva, what you can't, oh...? - No. 870 00:41:14,720 --> 00:41:16,760 You can osculate as much as you like, 871 00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:20,840 you can give it good French and you won't necessarily get a cold from it. 872 00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:23,480 - You may get another disease, but... - Who's that? I've seen her. 873 00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:25,720 - What's her name? - It's Dame Vera Lynn. 874 00:41:25,720 --> 00:41:28,840 In the blue, I've seen her. Oh, um, on the stamp, that's it. 875 00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:32,040 Look at her face, covered in mites! Look at it! 876 00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:34,120 LAUGHTER 877 00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:35,320 Disgusting! 878 00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:38,720 You disgust me, Your Majesty! You disgust me! 879 00:41:38,720 --> 00:41:42,760 Look at Dame Vera Lynn there, you could eat your dinner off her face! 880 00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:44,880 That's why we won the war. 881 00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:47,760 - She's let the country down with those mites. - Yeah. 882 00:41:47,760 --> 00:41:49,880 Look at Terry Wogan leaning forward going, 883 00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:51,400 "Oh, Jesus, I poked his eye out, 884 00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:53,240 "I put him in a pan and boiled his head!" 885 00:41:53,240 --> 00:41:55,040 LAUGHTER 886 00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:57,560 Anyway, this could go on for ever, but it mustn't. 887 00:41:57,560 --> 00:42:00,600 It mustn't, and it won't, and it shan't and shut up! 888 00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:02,680 So, you're more likely to catch a cold 889 00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:06,600 from holding someone's hand than tickling their tonsils. 890 00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:10,280 Here's an easy question, what's a hip fracture? 891 00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:12,080 It's cracking the hip bone? 892 00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:14,800 Is it not really a fracture and that's why you're asking us...? 893 00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:16,400 KLAXON BLARES 894 00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:19,000 - A fracture of the hip. - Oh, I see. 895 00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:21,840 - A hip fracture is not a fracture of the hip. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 896 00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:24,000 It's weird to say this, but it's true. 897 00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:27,160 A hip fracture is a fracture of the femur, of the long thigh bone, 898 00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:30,080 - there. - OK, but, what if you actually fracture your hip, you'll... 899 00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:31,400 That's a pelvic fracture. 900 00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:34,960 But what if you actually fracture your pelvis? We could go on... 901 00:42:34,960 --> 00:42:37,640 - I know, I know. - It's a different name for every one! 902 00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:40,240 I know, it does seem mad, it's a question that was designed 903 00:42:40,240 --> 00:42:42,920 simply to get points out of Alan and it worked, and so... 904 00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:45,120 God, well, no wonder the doctors are going mad. 905 00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:47,520 Yeah, it is a bit peculiar, I grant you. 906 00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:49,800 And we now come coughing and spluttering 907 00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:55,200 to the most heavily doctored part of the whole evening - the scores. 908 00:42:55,200 --> 00:43:00,560 Oh, my. Well, in first place, with not a cough, not a tickle, 909 00:43:00,560 --> 00:43:02,440 clear skin, free of mites, 910 00:43:02,440 --> 00:43:04,600 on 9 points, it's Lucy Porter. 911 00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:07,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 912 00:43:07,440 --> 00:43:08,840 I thank you. 913 00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:11,040 I know. 914 00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:13,520 In second place, almost as healthy, 915 00:43:13,520 --> 00:43:15,280 it's Ross Noble on 7 points! 916 00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:18,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 917 00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:23,480 On -5, with a tickly throat, 918 00:43:23,480 --> 00:43:25,800 and not looking too well, 919 00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:27,360 it's Matt Lucas. 920 00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:28,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 921 00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:29,960 Thank you. 922 00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:37,320 And groaning and wheezing 923 00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:41,520 at death's door on -44, Alan Davies. 924 00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:44,400 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - What?! 925 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:54,680 So, it only remains for me to thank Matt, Ross, Lucy and Alan. 926 00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:57,800 I leave you with the words of Rodney Dangerfield. 927 00:43:57,800 --> 00:44:01,200 "When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother." 928 00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:03,200 Goodnight.