1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:11,200 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,760 Goooooood evening! 4 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,760 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 5 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,080 and welcome to QI, 6 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:44,600 where tonight we're on parade for all things military. 7 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:48,240 Here to do battle are the flag-waving Jimmy Carr. 8 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:52,280 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,920 The sabre-rattling Sheila Hancock. 10 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,880 APPLAUSE 11 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:01,440 The war-mongering Jeremy Clarkson. 12 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:04,000 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:07,960 And the ambulance-driving Alan Davies. 14 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,480 APPLAUSE 15 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,480 Now their buzzers are suitably belligerent. 16 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:16,760 Jimmy goes... 17 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:20,600 MUSIC: Theme from The Great Escape 18 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:25,360 Sheila goes... 19 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:29,560 MUSIC: Theme from 633 Squadron 20 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,200 Jeremy goes... 21 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:35,320 MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Wagner 22 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:39,960 And Alan goes... 23 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:42,640 March! March! March! March! 24 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,200 March! March! March! 25 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:46,800 Nice! 26 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:51,680 What was unusual about Britain's war with Finland in 1941? 27 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:54,960 Jeremy? 28 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,440 Well, not a shot was fired. 29 00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:58,800 Oooh... 30 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,240 No, it was the only time, I think, 31 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:03,040 that two democracies have ever gone to war with one another. 32 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,280 KLAXON 33 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:09,400 - That's a hell of an alarm. - Yeah. 34 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,920 - Does it know what we're thinking? - Yes, definitely. 35 00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:13,560 How did you know that? 36 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,840 Welcome to my world! 37 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:20,760 11 years ago, Jeremy Clarkson, you said, on this very programme... 38 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:21,840 That that was true! 39 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,240 ..that the 1941 Anglo-Finnish War was the only one 40 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,400 fought between two democracies. 41 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:30,320 Yeah. Well, have we declared war, since the show, started on France? 42 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,640 No, there had been others before. 43 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,480 A viewer named Otto Lowe has written to us... 44 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,160 - Otto? He'd know! - ..to point out that we were wrong. 45 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:40,680 So we're retro-actively taking points from you today. 46 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,720 LAUGHTER 47 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,800 You had a slightly bad start to the year, but now it's got terrible! 48 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,600 LAUGHTER 49 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,800 - I'm really sorry. - It is 11 years ago I mentioned it! 50 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:55,040 There was the fourth Anglo-Dutch War of 1780 to 1784. 51 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,520 - The Football War of 1969... - What was that? 52 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,160 ..between El Salvador and Honduras. 53 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,040 - Football War? - The Football War. 54 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,680 Had Honduras kicked a football into their...? 55 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:05,400 LAUGHTER 56 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,400 It only lasted ten hours, it must be said. 57 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,440 Was there a half-time? 58 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,760 LAUGHTER 59 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:12,880 Well, I'll go back to my original answer, then, 60 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,000 which was not a shot was fired. 61 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,040 I'm afraid that's not true, either. 62 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:19,920 13 people were killed in the Anglo-Finnish War. 63 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:24,800 The British attacked a port called Petsamo on 30th July, 1941. 64 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:28,480 I still think it's the only proper war fought between two democracies. 65 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:31,200 Oh, give in, Jeremy, give in. 66 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,320 LAUGHTER 67 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,640 If you'd gone home after the programme and looked it up, 68 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,080 then you'd have known. 69 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:40,400 I did look it up before I mentioned it 11 years ago! 70 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,160 LAUGHTER 71 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:45,600 Well, Wikipedia has got more accurate since then. But, erm... 72 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,520 LAUGHTER 73 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:52,680 The fact is, despite its reputation, the Anglo-Finnish War of 1941 74 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:55,400 is not the only time two democracies have fought each other. 75 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,760 Now, if I can be serious for a moment. 76 00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,960 More than 100 million people were killed 77 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,760 in wars during the 20th century 78 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,480 and the total number of people ever killed by wars 79 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,680 could be as many as one billion. 80 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:11,840 Einstein described war as "a cloak that covers acts of murder." 81 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:16,320 And Antoine de Saint-Exupery called it "a disease, like typhus." 82 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:19,840 With all that in mind, here is my question to you. 83 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:22,480 Why did Hitler have such a silly moustache? 84 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,720 LAUGHTER 85 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:27,440 Thank God for that! I thought I was on the wrong show for a minute. 86 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,160 It all got very serious. 87 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,760 I'm sure you'd agree with my description of war, Sheila? 88 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,240 I would, absolutely. 89 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:36,360 This is a difficult show for me to be on because I'm a Quaker pacifist. 90 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,560 So I'm not an ideal person on the thing. 91 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,000 Were you born a Quaker? 92 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,640 No, I wasn't. I was "a Quaker by convincement," as they call it. 93 00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:45,240 - Is that what it's called? - Yeah. Yeah. 94 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,920 Because my family, the Fry family, were very early Quakers. 95 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:50,440 - Of course they were, yeah. - It's a very admirable thing. 96 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,880 - And the pacifism is taken very seriously, isn't it? - Yes. 97 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,200 Well, it's a lovely thing until Hitler comes along 98 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,080 and then it's not much use. 99 00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:02,360 Well, if we'd have done something about it before Hitler came along, 100 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:04,720 - then maybe we would have... - Shaved his moustache off! 101 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,640 And I think the reason he had that moustache 102 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,000 is he was probably a fan of Oliver Hardy. 103 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:13,760 Ah, well, it's certainly true that they were popular in the '20s 104 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,320 and increasingly in the '30s among... 105 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,920 - Well, Charlie Chaplin, of course, is best known. - Exactly. 106 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:22,320 But, supposedly, Hitler changed from 107 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:25,040 what was a relatively bushy moustache... 108 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,960 You may have seen a famous photograph of him as a gefreiter, 109 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,440 a corporal, in the First World War. There he is on the left. 110 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,480 But there are a couple of stories. No-one's quite sure which is true. 111 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:37,360 There was a fellow who served with him, Alexander Moritz Frey - 112 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:39,600 Great Uncle Alexander - 113 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:43,160 he was in the same regiment in the First World War as Hitler 114 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:46,280 and he said that Hitler trimmed it into the familiar toothbrush 115 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:49,720 in order to fit into the gas mask properly. 116 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,880 Frey's account is controversial, apparently. 117 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:54,600 He went on to become a satirist and fantasy novelist, 118 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,600 starting a family tradition. 119 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,160 And so... 120 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:01,160 But here's a point about Hitler. He's judged very harshly by history, 121 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,360 but he did kill Hitler. 122 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,760 LAUGHTER 123 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,560 APPLAUSE 124 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,120 That's... I can't take that away from you, Jimmy. 125 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,520 - Credit when credit is due. - That's true. 126 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:20,080 Some historians believe that Hitler only adopted the 'tache in 1919. 127 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,800 And his sister-in-law, who lived in Liverpool... 128 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,440 What, she had one as well? 129 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:25,680 LAUGHTER 130 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,760 She may have done. Do you know what her name was? 131 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:30,760 - Muriel. - Almost, as it were. 132 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,160 Scouse Adolf. 133 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,000 - Bridget Hitler. - Bridget Hitler...? 134 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,120 Yeah, that was her name. Bridget Hitler. 135 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:38,040 - Bridget Hitler?! - Is that true? 136 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:41,680 Yes. She was married to Alois Junior, who was Hitler's half-brother. 137 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,600 And they had a son, William Patrick Hitler. 138 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,040 Billy Hitler! 139 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,840 William Patrick Hitler went to America 140 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,560 and won a Purple Heart in the Navy. 141 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,200 Changed his name, I presume. 142 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,920 Eventually, to Stuart-Houston, I think. 143 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:58,160 And he claimed he wanted to forget anything to do with his uncle, 144 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:02,080 but he named his first son Alexander Adolf Stuart-Houston. 145 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,080 LAUGHTER 146 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,120 Aren't there still, in the American phone book...? 147 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,320 I know there's a weird fact, 148 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,480 it's quite interesting, might work on this show, 149 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:13,080 where there's still, I think, nine people called Adolf Hitler... 150 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:16,080 - Really? - ..that were obviously born before he came to... 151 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,800 Oh, watch it, because in 11 years they're going to ask you a question. 152 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,600 LAUGHTER 153 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,160 - Oh, Jesus! - You'll be, "Arrgh!" 154 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,360 You're simmering about that, aren't you? 155 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,200 I'm not a sore loser, but... 156 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,400 Yeah. 157 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:32,320 Anyway, yes, Bridget in her memoirs said that he came to visit Liverpool 158 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,080 and that she told him that he should trim the ends of his moustache 159 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,600 to make it less bushy. 160 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,720 But as she put it, "As in most things, he went too far." 161 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,720 LAUGHTER 162 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,240 That's put him in his place. 163 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:45,280 Hey, take it easy, Bridget. 164 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:46,680 Yeah, I know! 165 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,360 Yeah, and speaking of things going a little bit too far, 166 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,800 here's a question on mutinies. 167 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,000 Everybody remembers the mutiny on the Bounty, 168 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,760 but give me the name and rank 169 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,880 of the man who was overthrown and cast adrift in an open boat? 170 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,520 - Christian. - Fletcher Christian. Wasn't he the one that...? 171 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,360 KLAXON 172 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,680 Is this just the BBC still getting at me? 173 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,800 LAUGHTER 174 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,600 APPLAUSE 175 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,240 You were about to correct Sheila, weren't you? 176 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,800 I was about to say, no, Fletcher Christian was the one who... 177 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:19,920 The mutineer. 178 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,080 ..did the mutinying, but Captain... 179 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,520 Was he a captain and was he called Bligh? 180 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:27,800 KLAXON 181 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,400 He was called Bligh. He was called William Bligh. 182 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,640 But he was a lieutenant commander. 183 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:34,520 I thought it was Marlon Brando. 184 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:36,760 KLAXON 185 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:38,320 Oops, what happened there? 186 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,920 Yeah, he was a commanding lieutenant on the Bounty 187 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,920 and there was a mutiny, and what was the mutiny about, 188 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,120 what was the prime cause of it? 189 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:49,160 - They couldn't get Netflix. - LAUGHTER 190 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,600 - You would think they could... - Was there a shuffleboard incident? 191 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:56,560 - They could flick their net to catch... - Bligh was being too strict. 192 00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,080 Well, they had been in Tahiti, 193 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:01,440 where they had enjoyed the hospitality of Tahitian women. 194 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,240 Beautiful food and fabulous climate and they just loved it so much, 195 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:08,200 and Bligh insisted that they all get back on the boat, 196 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,800 to get back to their duties. 197 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:12,560 Do you remember what the duties of the Bounty were? 198 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:16,920 - They were collecting flowers, or something. No, some food. - Yes! 199 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,560 - Breadfruit. - Breadfruit, that's it. 200 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:23,160 Because they thought that may be the magical food for the British Navy. 201 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:26,160 But they were really resentful at the idea that they had to get back 202 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:29,280 to their duties and they eventually cast him adrift in an open boat. 203 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:31,560 And they gave him just a sextant and a pocket watch 204 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,960 and, miraculously, he made it all the way to Timor. 205 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,480 It was a remarkable feat. 206 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:38,040 But Bligh seems to have had problems commanding people, 207 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,040 because he was made Governor of New South Wales 208 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,760 quite a few years after the mutiny, and they mutinied. 209 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,400 There was a military putsch to kick him out. 210 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,080 - He obviously had the knack. - He had a bit of a knack. 211 00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:51,120 - So this guy had a knack of upsetting people he worked with. - Yeah. 212 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:52,800 All right... 213 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,800 LAUGHTER 214 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:01,840 Yes, other mutinies - describe the Mutiny of the Monkeys. 215 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:05,560 Mutiny of the Monkeys? 216 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,440 It seems to be that the one in the middle is going to an England match. 217 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:11,560 Peter Tork had had enough. 218 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,560 Oh, The Monkees! Very good. 219 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:15,760 - See what I did there? - I do see what you did there. 220 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,400 He wanted a go on the hat, 221 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,760 and the one who always had the hat wouldn't let him have the hat. 222 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:23,360 Anyway, the gig was cancelled. 223 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:28,480 The one who had the hat, his mum invented Post-It notes. 224 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:32,040 Yes, which came about because they were bad stickers. 225 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,480 - Yeah. - Yes. 226 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,200 They were actually a failure, 227 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,320 because they didn't stick properly, then they thought, hang on a minute. 228 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,160 They should have used superglue, 229 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:43,080 because that never sticks anything to anything. 230 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,720 - It doesn't! - I've lost the thread of this conversation! 231 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,360 LAUGHTER 232 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,160 Yes, you may not be alone, Sheila! 233 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,360 Somehow, they were talking about... 234 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,440 You see, it was the Mutiny of the Monkeys, showing pictures of monkeys, 235 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,120 - they were talking about the pop group... - I was there with that. 236 00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:59,520 One of them... Who wears the hat, Mike Nesmith? 237 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,800 His mother invented Post-It notes... 238 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:06,120 - Or was it Tippex? - It was in fact Tippex. - Was it Tippex? - Yup. - Oh! 239 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,240 Oh, well, you got a free Post-It note fact, anyway. 240 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,600 Yeah, very true. 241 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:16,520 So, no, we are in the world of primates here, actual monkeys. 242 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:17,760 Mutiny of the Monkeys? 243 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,240 Well, it was called the Monkey Mutiny, it was in 1890, 244 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:23,120 a British vessel called the Margaret, 245 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,720 which travelled from Durban to Boston 246 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:29,960 and it contained a consignment of 400 cockatoos, 12 snakes, 247 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,640 two crocodiles, some monkeys, a gorilla and an orang-utan, 248 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,640 to be delivered to an American zoo. 249 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,760 Almost immediately, things started to go wrong. 250 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,360 I think I've seen a documentary about this. 251 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:42,880 Is it called The Life Of Pi? 252 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:48,440 - More or less, yes! - Sorry, that actually happened? 253 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,160 - With the tiger, yes. - So, come on, what kicked off... 254 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,280 They were on a boat... 255 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,360 Well, the rats ate the grain, which was intended for the cockatoos, 256 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:59,640 - so they all died. - The cockatoos? - 400 cockatoos, dead. 257 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:00,960 Food for the crocodiles! 258 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:04,160 Yeah, there was a storm, the snakes and the crocodiles escaped, 259 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,080 so, the crew barricaded themselves into their cabins 260 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:10,120 and wouldn't go out, but then, fortunately, the crocodiles 261 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,480 and snakes fought each other until there was only one 262 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:16,720 crocodile left, and eventually some cargo fell on it and it was killed. 263 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:19,000 So, the truth could then come out... 264 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,760 And they all got new shoes. 265 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:25,200 Then, the monkeys escaped and climbed the rigging, 266 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,560 then they were swept off to sea and drowned. 267 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:31,640 Where were the human beings while all this was happening? 268 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,960 - Shitting themselves! - They had hidden themselves 269 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,200 in their cabin for a lot of it. They were scared. 270 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,920 But by the time they did get to Boston, there was a gorilla, 271 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:42,880 three monkeys and four parrots left, out of that whole consignment. 272 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,240 That is why Boston Zoo is shit. 273 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,160 - That's the survivors' photo, then! - Yes, exactly! 274 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:55,040 Anyway, so, a mob of monkeys caused a mutiny on the Margaret. 275 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,560 What's a better way to get out of the Army than shooting 276 00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,120 yourself in the foot? 277 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:02,160 Putting your underpants on your head and pencils up your nostrils. 278 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,200 KLAXON 279 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,200 APPLAUSE 280 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:14,240 AS ROWAN ATKINSON: "And remember to say...uh-bibble. 281 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:17,160 "You must say...uh-bibble." Erm... 282 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:21,200 - Anyway, are we talking about now, or in history? - First World War. 283 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,600 - Is it to say you were homosexual? - Well, yeah... 284 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,680 After the war, there was the conscription, 285 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,920 - the war was over... - Oh, national service. 286 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,560 You had national service, and I know one or two actors 287 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:34,640 who pretended they were gay to get out of doing conscription. 288 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:38,000 I've known more actors who pretended they were straight, but there we are. 289 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:42,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 290 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,480 You are right to be in the area of sexual behaviour, shall we say. 291 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:49,680 Because there was this idea of a "Blighty wound", 292 00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:50,960 where in the First World War, 293 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,960 you'd shoot yourself through the foot in order to be invalided... 294 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,280 Chop your cock off. 295 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:58,200 Well, any of those, if you were discovered doing them, 296 00:13:58,200 --> 00:13:59,960 would be a shootable offence. 297 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,960 - It was considered desertion. - Cheesegrate it off. 298 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,480 - AUDIENCE: - Ooh! 299 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:05,720 Ooh! 300 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,200 If you haven't tried it, don't judge. 301 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,080 Sorry, so, did people really shoot themselves in the foot? 302 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,560 Did that happen a lot? 303 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:17,200 Not a lot, because they would just be accused of cowardice and desertion. 304 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,400 - So, there was another way. - Running away. - Fraternise? 305 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:25,080 - Well, a very particular kind of fraternising. - Pursuing an officer. 306 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:29,840 - You do get leave, even in Flanders... - Sex change. - Sorry? 307 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,120 No, you don't have to go that drastic! 308 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,160 Bestiality. 309 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:42,600 - Oh, that would be all right. - Necrophilia. - Eugh! 310 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:46,360 Look, come on, you're on leave, you go to Rouen or a Le Havre... 311 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,640 - Oh, sexually transmitted disease. - Yes! 312 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:52,600 Sexually transmitted disease is the answer. 313 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,200 What did you have to get in a brothel to get out of... 314 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:01,320 Well, venereal disease, usually it was the pox or the clap, 315 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:02,800 syphilis or gonorrhoea. 316 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,480 And you were five times more likely to have a venereal disease 317 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:08,040 - than you were trench foot, on the front. - Then why didn't... 318 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,400 Forgive me for asking, but why 319 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,160 didn't everybody simply go to a brothel 320 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,920 in the hope that they could get a dose... 321 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,280 - They just about did, that's my point. - It would be tremendous! 322 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:17,960 But it was quite well treated, 323 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:21,680 and there didn't seem to be any utterly terminal or terrible 324 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,480 form of venereal disease, so, you would get your few months off, 325 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,840 and that for something, for that war... 326 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:29,680 Then you could go home and see the wife. 327 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,680 - Yes... - "All right, love? 328 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,160 "Nice to see you, but we've got to rest this up..." 329 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:38,200 There were 75,000 prostitutes in Paris alone, 330 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,520 less than 10% of whom were licensed. 331 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:45,960 According to one contemporary report, 171,000 British troops visited 332 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,360 brothels in a single street in Le Havre in just one year. 333 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:50,920 Makes you proud, doesn't it? 334 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:54,520 During the German occupation, it was an offence for a prostitute 335 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,080 to give a German soldier a venereal disease, 336 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,640 and the offender could be imprisoned to keep other men 337 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:02,560 safe, but as soon as they started retreating, towards the end of 338 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,760 the war, they released all the women with venereal disease, in the hope 339 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:09,560 that the pursuing enemy would catch the clap, essentially. 340 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:14,520 - Dear, oh, dear. - They really were marvellous times, weren't they? 341 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,520 - War is such fun. - Isn't it? 342 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:17,680 Robert Graves, 343 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,200 who wrote probably the best memoir of the First World War, 344 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,800 Goodbye To All That, the poet, 345 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,800 he said there were no restraints in France, "These boys had money 346 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:27,760 "to spend and knew that they stood a good chance of being killed 347 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:31,520 "within a few weeks anyhow. They did not want to die virgins." 348 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:35,320 And that kind of says it all, I think. Oh, dear! 349 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:39,200 - So, yes... - I was told this show would be fun! 350 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,280 Everybody said, "Do QI, it's fun!" 351 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:47,040 Well, catching the syphilis IS fun, at least. It's all the rest of it. 352 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,160 It's proving your point about war. 353 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:54,000 Yes, soldiers in World War I could get off by... by getting off! 354 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:57,760 Which of these was originally used for military purposes? 355 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,680 - The bumper car. - Not the bumper car, in fact. 356 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,040 - The Ferris wheel. - Not the Ferris wheel. 357 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:06,080 - The merry-go-round. - That thing that goes round, for sea sickness. 358 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:09,120 Well, there we are, we've all gone for something different. 359 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,480 That's rather pleasing. 360 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,000 And the only one that's correct is the merry-go-round. 361 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,560 Which was originally used for that purpose of war training. 362 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:20,360 You would sit on the horse and a servant would have a ring 363 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,720 and you'd have a lance and you would go round and round 364 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:26,120 and you'd try and get your lance through the ring 365 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:27,520 to practise your accuracy. 366 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,240 I mean, that's surely bullshit. No? 367 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,680 LAUGHTER 368 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,440 No. A merry-go-round was invented to... 369 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:36,600 - That can't be right. - A carousel, it was called a carosello and... 370 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,080 So the original was sort of like a tennis ball machine. 371 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,760 Yeah, kind of, yeah. 372 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,560 Call Of Duty is better, isn't it, really? 373 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,760 But while we're on the subject of fairgrounds, 374 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:48,360 there had been a particular problem in the Boer War, 375 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:50,760 where they'd noticed that the British were not very good 376 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:52,920 at aiming and firing rifles. 377 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,560 So they passed special laws. 378 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,840 - One of the basics, really, isn't it? - Yeah. 379 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,240 They passed special laws 380 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,760 that allowed fairgrounds to have rifle ranges, 381 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,720 so you could fire rifles, live ammunition. 382 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,560 - Sorry, there's live ammunition in the fairground? - Yes. 383 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:08,480 - Have you never gone to one of those? - But it's always like a little cap. 384 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:09,840 - Tin pellet. - Yeah, a pellet. 385 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:12,840 I mean, mostly, you get the pellets, but what is allowed, in law, 386 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:15,840 even to this day, is live actual ammunition, proper ammunition. 387 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,200 - In a fairground? - Yeah. - Really? Gosh. 388 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:19,240 Wow... 389 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:20,400 - Really? - Yeah, really. 390 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,440 What, a 7.62 mm... 391 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:24,720 Up to .23. 392 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,360 - It is frowned upon if you bring your own gun. - I was going to say. 393 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,760 I just want to make it absolutely clear for Jeremy. 394 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,040 If I turned up with my AK, I'd get all those balloons. 395 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,960 But a .22 would work. So you could have that. 396 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,640 It would be quite good to turn up at a fairground with an AK-47 397 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,920 and go, "I think I'll be taking that bear home." 398 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,600 LAUGHTER 399 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,680 "Someone needs a cuddle." 400 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,040 Have you ever fired an AK-47? 401 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,320 Er, not in anger, Jeremy. 402 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,280 No, somebody put it onto automatic 403 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,320 and quite literally stood me in front of a barn door 404 00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:56,840 and I missed it. 405 00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,480 LAUGHTER 406 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,200 - Is that...? - As we all would. 407 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,160 It just flies around like a mad thing. 408 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:04,760 Of course, the man that did that isn't here to tell the story. 409 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:05,920 LAUGHTER 410 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:07,800 Very unfortunate incident. 411 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,960 It never breaks down and it never hits anything. 412 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,880 - And what, it just flies... - It just does that. 413 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,440 And then rushes about in your hands. Terribly dangerous. 414 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:17,200 Well, that explains all of the series of The A-Team. 415 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,160 LAUGHTER 416 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,720 So it is actually realistic, the idea that, you know, 417 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,480 no-one got shot, ever. 418 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,480 Nobody could possibly get shot with an AK, 419 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,320 not unless you weren't aiming at them. 420 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:30,680 If I aimed at you, most of the audience would be history. 421 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,000 LAUGHTER 422 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,880 Well, that's you. Not everybody. 423 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,880 I mean, if they knew how to handle it. 424 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,440 No, it's pretty much everybody. 425 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:41,360 Unless you're a burly Russian shot putt enthusiast, 426 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,760 then you could probably hold on to it. But I couldn't. 427 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,480 - I fired a machine gun in Vietnam. - Really, did you? 428 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,160 Did you hit anything? 429 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,000 I hit the end of the field. 430 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,040 LAUGHTER 431 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,280 A field's reasonable. 432 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,760 But they'd got all these old weapons from the American war 433 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,600 and you go up and you buy bullets. 434 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,040 - "How many bullets do you want?" - Oh, my goodness. 435 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:00,280 I think I bought ten bullets. 436 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,560 And they put it in and then you squeeze the trigger 437 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:03,920 and they've gone, like that. 438 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,760 You think, "Oh, I wish I had more." 439 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,000 That's the evil of guns, isn't it? It triggers something. 440 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,280 Sheila, you're a Quaker pacifist. Have you got any good gun stories? 441 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:15,400 LAUGHTER 442 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:16,760 I'm not allowed! 443 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,720 Oh, dear...! 444 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,680 It would be so good, though, if you went, 445 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:23,800 "Yeah, has anyone ever had a go on a bazooka?" 446 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:27,640 That's what we were told, that you could bazooka cows and things, 447 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,560 but I didn't get the chance to do that. 448 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,080 - You're a vegetarian! - We had a... 449 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,200 LAUGHTER 450 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,600 You see, this is what guns do, isn't it? 451 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,160 Vegetarian of the Year. 452 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:43,160 The other thing that I learned about was that they used cattle... 453 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:44,600 Erm... 454 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:47,960 Oh, no, that was a stand-up routine I did. That's not true. 455 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,840 LAUGHTER 456 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:53,600 APPLAUSE 457 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,520 I think you're beginning to blur the lines. 458 00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:00,080 It's come to something when I'm struggling to remember a fact 459 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:01,680 and it's something I made up myself. 460 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,240 LAUGHTER 461 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:06,840 Anyway, one important skill for a soldier is map reading. 462 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,880 But why are maps so difficult to fold? 463 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:13,240 Well, because now they're on your phone, so you've got to break it. 464 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,240 Well, we've got some ones that aren't on a phone. 465 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:19,240 My father was a navigator in rallying and he could... 466 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:20,440 Oh, was he? 467 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:23,240 He could fold one in the passenger seat of a Mini Cooper 468 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:26,000 - in the dark at night. - Did he pass that skill on? 469 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,200 - This is torture, you know? - So whenever I go to fold up a map... 470 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,600 - Genuinely, this is my idea of hell. - Of hell, yeah. 471 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,000 It is hell. 472 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,200 That's right, because there are...severe problems. 473 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,120 So there they are. 474 00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:41,320 I mean, I'll tell you, probably the best idea 475 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,960 - is not to unfold it in the first place, Stephen. - Yeah. 476 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 477 00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:46,760 Hey, well done! 478 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,400 That's impressive! 479 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,160 That is 12 seconds. 480 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,120 It's like anything with maps, my father was a navigator. 481 00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,120 And I know what all the symbols mean. 482 00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:01,280 Sheila, we've missed our turn! 483 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:02,560 Concentrate! 484 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,400 Right, I'll race you. 485 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,960 Oh, oh, we'll cheat... 486 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,160 You're sort of doing what I do there, I think. 487 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 488 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:14,320 Oh, Sheila! 489 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,360 My car is just full of those. 490 00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:21,360 Pyongyang. Pyongyang. 491 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:25,480 - Haven't you got a satnav? - Where would we be without satnav? 492 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,080 Hey...! "Where would we be?" 493 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,440 Elstree. Probably at those studios, I don't know. 494 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,640 Come on, everyone, make an effort. 495 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:34,480 LAUGHTER 496 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:38,680 The fact is, most maps have got nine folds one way and two the other, 497 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:43,120 which means that there are 2,048 different ways of folding them. 498 00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:44,680 - Two to the power of 11. - Really? 499 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:48,240 A man called Miura, who was an aeronautical designer, 500 00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:50,560 was doing solar panel foldings 501 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:53,080 and he came up with this way of doing it... 502 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,080 And all you have to do is that and it folds. 503 00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,640 You just push the corners together. 504 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,320 And it doesn't matter what you... 505 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,640 - And what's more... - It wouldn't work. 506 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:06,680 - Sorry? - It wouldn't work if you gave it to me. 507 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,360 - Stephen, could you... - Well, I'll give you one. 508 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:13,200 The one that you've got there, is that a map of Mars? 509 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,240 You've got one there. 510 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:18,320 And you just take the top-right and bottom-left corners, 511 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:19,960 - or any other way. - That way? 512 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:21,800 It's so folded, it just does it by itself. 513 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,000 - Take the corners and push them together. - Oh, my God! 514 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:25,960 That's it! Jeremy, you've done it! 515 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,560 APPLAUSE 516 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,480 - But this man is the greatest genius who ever lived. - Isn't he? I know! 517 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,160 - It's fantastic. - Who is he? 518 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:39,760 He's called Miura, he's a... 519 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:42,720 LAUGHTER 520 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,320 Good God! 521 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:47,200 Of course, what you don't realise, he was trying to make a crane. 522 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,160 LAUGHTER 523 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,200 Koryo Miura his name is, and they are very handy. 524 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,600 I would have been so fucking pleased if I'd invented that. 525 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,400 LAUGHTER 526 00:23:57,400 --> 00:23:59,640 Well, there are other things you can do with folding. 527 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:02,160 I've got some tissues here. And if we... 528 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,240 - Oh, what are we doing now? - Oh, origami! 529 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,880 You're each... If I can give you each a tissue. 530 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,640 All right, so I'll pass... 531 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:09,680 OK. 532 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:12,600 There we are. Pass it down. Oops...! 533 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,040 - What are we doing with the tissue? - And I'll have one here. 534 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:17,120 OK, so what are we up to? 535 00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:19,680 - What you're trying to do is scrunch it up... - Oh, yeah, OK. 536 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,520 - ..like this in your hands. - Yeah. 537 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,200 - And you scrunch it up. And then... - Stick it right up your bum! 538 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:25,280 No! 539 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:26,720 LAUGHTER 540 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,200 You try and think of an animal... 541 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,960 Like, I'm thinking of an animal. 542 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,280 I'm thinking of a sort of swan or something like that. 543 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:34,720 - I've really scrunched mine up. - I'm thinking of a swan. 544 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:37,160 - Like that, can you see my swan? - Do I have to think of a swan? 545 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:38,640 There you are... 546 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:42,760 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 547 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:48,960 There we are. 548 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:51,600 Tiger. I've got tiger. 549 00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:54,960 - I've got absolutely nothing at all. - Oh, well. 550 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,800 I thought of a badger, but it got run over. 551 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:59,480 LAUGHTER 552 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:01,320 Excellent! Well done, all. 553 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,400 Now, an army is said to march on its stomach, 554 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:09,960 but what is the most morale-boosting thing you can find in a meat pie? 555 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:15,880 - Cocaine? - No! - Well, motivation wise, it would do wonders. - Well, perhaps. 556 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:21,720 - A Greggs steak bake. - People, people. - Yes, people! - People in pies. 557 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,520 I'll tell you the story behind it and you might think that 558 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:27,640 there probably was never quite such a morale-boosting pie. 559 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:31,720 It was Philip the Good, and Philip the Good was the ruler of Burgundy. 560 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:35,280 - There we are, then, red wine... - And in 13... 561 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:38,320 56, probably, I wouldn't be surprised... 1454... 562 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:42,000 - LAUGHTER He, um... - Good save! 563 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,720 He held a feast for knights 564 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,200 and squires and pages and lords and so on. 565 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,960 It was a PR stunt to promote a crusade that he wanted 566 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,240 to hold against the Turks. They had taken Constantinople. 567 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:55,720 Anyway, he had a feast, it was called the Feast of the Pheasant, 568 00:25:55,720 --> 00:26:00,040 and it included a meat pie which contained 28 musicians... 569 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:02,000 Oh! Alive? 570 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,360 ..who played throughout the meal. Yes, alive! It was a vast pie. 571 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:09,480 A Manneken-Pis, which was urinating rose water, 572 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:13,520 a castle that squirted orange punch into its moat, 573 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:17,880 and a lion chained to a pillar, that protected a statue of 574 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:21,440 a nude woman who served mulled wine from her right breast. 575 00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,520 It sounds like a party at Elton John's house. 576 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:30,160 Well, in this case, after this enormous pie, a giant came on, 577 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:34,200 with an elephant on a leash, the elephant had a castle on its back 578 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:38,000 and the castle had a dishevelled nun, whose hands were held in 579 00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:42,920 prayer, and she implored Philip to go on a crusade to save Constantinople. 580 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,080 - A dishevelled nun? - Apparently dishevelled. 581 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,960 He immediately leapt to his feet, made an oath to retake the city 582 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:52,200 and all his guests, caught up in the excitement of the pie, which had so 583 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,560 boosted their morale, that they said they would go on the crusade, too. 584 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,760 And that's why it's always a good idea to invade the Middle East. 585 00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:01,680 Well, actually, they were very fortunate, because they didn't 586 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:05,440 - go on their crusade, despite the morale-boosting pie. - They didn't go? 587 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:09,080 No, they didn't, because Charles VII of France, who was the King, 588 00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:11,960 said that he thought it was a terrible idea. 589 00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:17,760 - So, they had the pie for nothing. - I'm fascinated by this dishevelled nun. 590 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:21,800 Yes, well, the word "dishevelled" is used in Chaucer, you may remember... 591 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:24,760 - I don't remember, Stephen. - No, fine... 592 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,480 - Did you know him at all, Sheila? - No. 593 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:34,760 - He uses the word hevelled. - Hevelled? - "The man's head is cleanly hevelled." 594 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:39,080 So, dishevelled means uncombed. So, the nun was uncombed, it seems. 595 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,800 Though it's often used of clothes as well now. 596 00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:44,840 Yeah, Philip the Good, he certainly knew how to throw a good party. 597 00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:48,520 What's the worst thing you can find in a Morrison Sandwich? 598 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:51,640 Well, Morrison was Food Minister during the war. 599 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,520 - Ah, you've got straight to it. - Herbert. 600 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:56,600 - He was in charge of sandwiches, was he? - No. Well... 601 00:27:56,600 --> 00:28:00,000 He was, in fact, in charge of home defence. And he came up... 602 00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:01,880 Making sure no-one got in and took them. 603 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:03,720 - Home Guard? - Not the Home Guard, exactly, 604 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:07,840 but he came up with a home defence idea, which was a type of shelter. 605 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,040 - It was for the more deprived families and they... - Not the Anderson? 606 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,400 - It was indoors. - ..they were given free. It was indoors. 607 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,160 Indoors, as opposed to the Anderson shelter, which was outside. 608 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,880 - Exactly right. - Which I spent my life in. 609 00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:21,080 And a dear friend of mine was in one of those 610 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,360 - and her house took a direct hit and she survived. - Yes. 611 00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:25,760 One of the things we wanted to say 612 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:27,760 is that it was actually not, as it might seem, 613 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:29,240 a rather unsafe contrivance. 614 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:32,320 - But it actually worked really, really well, it seems. - Yeah, it did. 615 00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:34,600 But there was one problem. Sometimes, the top bit, 616 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:37,200 which was solid metal, and the bottom was solid metal, 617 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:39,160 sometimes, the top bit just crashed down 618 00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:42,480 and the person was caught in what was then called a Morrison Sandwich. 619 00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:44,480 - Wow! - Oh, gosh! - But it was considered safer. 620 00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:46,920 And it was also quite loved, unlike the Anderson shelter, 621 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:48,840 which was pretty hated, is that right? 622 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:50,440 Well, I quite liked it, actually. 623 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:52,960 You used to sit, be outside and you could watch, 624 00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:56,320 you always had binoculars and you could watch the dogfights going on, 625 00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:58,600 - you know, in the Battle of Britain and... - God! 626 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:00,240 And you felt kind of safe down there. 627 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:02,080 The only thing was that you were frightened 628 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:03,840 that you'd be trapped in the shelter. 629 00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:05,440 I sleep with my hand over my head, 630 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:07,080 because there was an escape hatch 631 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:09,600 at the back of the Anderson shelter with a spanner 632 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:11,000 that you would use to get out. 633 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:14,440 And I used to sleep like that on my bunk, and I still do. 634 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,720 I sleep with one hand over the head. 635 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:19,040 You could probably sleep somewhere else now, Sheila. 636 00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:21,040 LAUGHTER 637 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:23,120 This one on the left... 638 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:26,960 This one on the left, it's actually a weight test. 639 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:29,120 It's being tested for how much it can take. 640 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:31,320 And, as you can see, it's a fair amount of weight. 641 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:33,920 There was one in my uncle's garden, I remember. 642 00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:35,440 What, an Anderson shelter? 643 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:39,040 - There is one on my farm and it's just full of pornography. - What is? 644 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:43,440 - Pornography? - It's just full of Men Only, Mayfair... All from the '70s. 645 00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:45,360 Is that where you keep your collection? 646 00:29:45,360 --> 00:29:47,400 That used to be a thing, though, didn't it? 647 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:50,560 Whenever you'd walk through woodland, I remember as a teenager, 648 00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:52,640 there would be pornography lying around. 649 00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:54,920 - In the hedges. - In the days before the internet. 650 00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:57,600 There was just porn lying about in the woods. 651 00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:01,880 Does anyone else remember that? Is that just me? It's a thing, right? 652 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:03,800 - No! - No, it is! 653 00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:06,640 You used to walk through the woods and there would be porn lying about. 654 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:08,880 Everywhere. I was never able to get 655 00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:11,920 to the sweet shop without encountering pornography. 656 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:17,320 Well, this is very odd! Why in the woods? Why in the woods? 657 00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:19,880 I think that's when, possibly, people went and bought some 658 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:22,720 pornography and thought, well, I'd better not bring that home. 659 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:24,920 Then they'd drive home and leave a single shoe 660 00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:27,600 - in the central reservation, which is the other thing. - Yes! 661 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:30,440 And unravel their cassette tape. There we are... 662 00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,160 That's everything done now for the day. 663 00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:38,640 Cassette tape, single shoe, strong pornography in the wood. 664 00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:42,080 What a strange world you live in. 665 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:46,480 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 666 00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:50,520 Anyway, yes, Morrison Sandwich... 667 00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:53,280 Morrison's sandwiches, as opposed to Morrison Sandwiches, 668 00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:54,800 which were people caught there. 669 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:56,840 There's a Morrison's sandwich, and, of course, 670 00:30:56,840 --> 00:30:59,280 they're delightful, fresh and charming and I wouldn't want 671 00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:01,360 to suggest anything about them that was unpleasant. 672 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,880 - You've never had one in your life, have you? - Well, no, but... 673 00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:05,520 LAUGHTER 674 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:06,880 I know they exist. 675 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,800 APPLAUSE 676 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:12,560 So, yes, Morrison Sandwiches could be deadly, 677 00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:15,680 but Morrison's sandwiches are, of course, delicious. 678 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:17,800 LAUGHTER 679 00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:21,480 How do all-female military battles differ from all-male ones? 680 00:31:21,480 --> 00:31:23,840 They all tidy up afterwards. 681 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:28,480 So sweet! 682 00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:33,120 - Female battles? - I don't think humans have ever had an all-female war. 683 00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:34,760 No, I wouldn't have thought so. 684 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:37,920 The Amazons were supposedly female soldiers, but they fought men. 685 00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:40,240 The reason there has never been an all-female war 686 00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:42,560 is there's plenty of me to go round, I think. 687 00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:45,840 They might have to bail out. 688 00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:47,520 Oh, lawks! 689 00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:51,440 - So, we are not talking about human beings, in that case. - Oh! 690 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:53,360 - Oh, an animal war. - An animal war, 691 00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:56,240 - conducted purely by females of that species. - Mosquitoes. 692 00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:59,280 - Is it the praying mantis? - Not mosquitoes, but... - Rabbits? 693 00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:00,880 - You were right with insects. - Bees? 694 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,880 - Bees! - A bee war. - Bees went to war? 695 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:08,480 - Yes, bees' war on other hives, other colonies. - Lady bees? 696 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:11,480 - Yes, Australian stingless bees... - The Queen bee? 697 00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:14,160 The Queen is the one who doesn't fight, 698 00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:16,440 but all the other females, who are sterile... 699 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,000 - Are there other female bees? - Yes, but they are sterile. 700 00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:21,640 They launch a turf war against another colony. 701 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:24,160 The main attack method is to bite the leg or wing. 702 00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:25,880 But because they have six legs, 703 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:29,200 they can keep going until they have got no legs left. 704 00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:33,760 - These are not British bees...? - No, Australian. - Oh, right! 705 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:36,680 - British bees would never... - Yes, yes! 706 00:32:36,680 --> 00:32:39,720 They would leave them at home, making honey! 707 00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:43,920 - British lady bees, exactly. - British bees wouldn't bite legs off. 708 00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:46,160 So... LAUGHTER 709 00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:50,600 - When the victory... - There are some weird animals in Australia. 710 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:52,520 There are. 711 00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:54,760 The colony that wins, they install their Queen 712 00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:57,680 and kick out all the others, who are left to die, 713 00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,640 - because they can't survive unless they are in a colony. - Oh, charming! 714 00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:02,240 Yes, it's all rather grim. 715 00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:03,840 In Scouting For Boys... 716 00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:06,360 Sorry, your hobby...? 717 00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:08,200 It is a strange title. 718 00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:11,920 It is, of course, by the founder of the Scouting movement... 719 00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:13,240 Baden Powell. 720 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:16,160 What does one think of a man who can say something like this? 721 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:20,600 He said of bees, "They are quite a model community, 722 00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:24,960 "for they respect their Queen and kill their unemployed." 723 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:30,080 - Does he say that? - Yup! 724 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:35,000 What begins with M that you could shoot with one of these? 725 00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:37,960 Those guys are tiny! 726 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:39,520 LAUGHTER 727 00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:41,280 A mallard. 728 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:44,080 A mallard is very good, absolutely. You recognise what that is? 729 00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:47,080 - It's a punt gun. - It is indeed a punt gun. 730 00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:50,040 APPLAUSE 731 00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:51,920 - There's a few punters in. - Yeah...! 732 00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:54,800 You're good on guns, aren't you, Jeremy? 733 00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:58,400 Well, I shot one of those, but I shot a clay pigeon with it. 734 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:02,800 And proved that a man can actually fly. 735 00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:05,000 LAUGHTER 736 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:06,720 So don't tell me you weren't on a punt? 737 00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:09,760 No, I wasn't on a punt and there's a sort of momentum thing goes 738 00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:12,360 and you get it going and then you just can't stop it. 739 00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,000 And I was airborne for 20 minutes. 740 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:16,520 LAUGHTER 741 00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:18,840 That's one of the reasons they have them on punts is... 742 00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:21,080 - I mean, the boat goes backwards. - That's the point. 743 00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:22,800 You could fire that in Norfolk 744 00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,760 and you would wind up in Stavanger three weeks later 745 00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:27,440 doing 300mph. 746 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:29,960 More or less true. But also, more distressingly, perhaps, 747 00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:31,520 if you like waterfowl, 748 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:34,440 one shot can destroy up to 50 at a time. 749 00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:36,920 - So you could have... - So is it shot like a shotgun? 750 00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:39,200 Yeah, it's just a huge amount of blast. 751 00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:41,560 I mean, I know you're a vegetablist, which is fine... 752 00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:42,760 LAUGHTER 753 00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:44,640 What I don't understand about these 754 00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:47,960 is that if you actually hit a duck, it vaporised it. 755 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:49,280 LAUGHTER 756 00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:51,520 And apart from licking the lake or the grass... 757 00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:53,440 LAUGHTER 758 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:55,880 ..there's no nutritional value from an atomised layer. 759 00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:57,320 You're pretty much right. 760 00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:03,440 Seriously, why do they have such a great big gun for it? 761 00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:06,920 - Well, it was used in the United States of America, of course... - Ah! 762 00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:09,040 ..in the early part of the 19th century. 763 00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:10,520 But even the Americans realised 764 00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:13,160 they were going to deplete their waterways just too much. 765 00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:16,640 So, by 1860, it was banned. You couldn't use it any more. 766 00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:19,320 - And then they use hand grenades now. - Yes. They do, yeah. 767 00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:22,360 I got picked up, this is another gun story, and I apologise, Sheila, 768 00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:24,960 but I got picked up by a man once at an airport in Phoenix 769 00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:29,440 and he was a big noise in the NRA and we had very little in common. 770 00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:31,200 And he drove along in complete silence 771 00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:33,840 and he just turned to me after about ten minutes and went, 772 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:36,360 "What is your personal preference of firearm?" 773 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:38,760 As a small talk. That was small talk. 774 00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:41,120 - "I don't really have one, mate." - And you said punt gun. 775 00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:43,480 "Punt gun, mate." 776 00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:44,760 Yeah, I should have done. 777 00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:47,400 I tried that earlier with Sheila. We didn't really hit it off. 778 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:48,520 LAUGHTER 779 00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:51,360 I almost want to go to a rifle range with you 780 00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:52,760 to see you with one of these guns. 781 00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:55,000 You're obviously hopeless at it. 782 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:57,840 LAUGHTER 783 00:35:57,840 --> 00:36:01,440 APPLAUSE 784 00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:05,440 The punt gun was used to massacre mallards, Muscovy ducks, 785 00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:08,480 mergansers and other mother-duckers. 786 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:10,240 From ducks to Drakes. 787 00:36:10,240 --> 00:36:12,160 What was the name of the fleet of ships 788 00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:15,840 that got its arse kicked in 1589 during the Anglo-Spanish War? 789 00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:18,040 The Spanish Armada. 790 00:36:18,040 --> 00:36:20,000 KLAXON 791 00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:23,480 - Oh, taking one for the team now. - Well, I knew that would come. 792 00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:26,200 - Yeah. That was 1588, the Spanish Armada. - Oh. 793 00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:28,360 - Is this the next year? - The next year. 794 00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:31,280 - They came back and had another go? - No, this is what's so interesting. 795 00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:32,560 This is the English Armada. 796 00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:35,080 What's interesting is we just don't teach this in schools, 797 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:36,880 but it's a far worse defeat on the English. 798 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:38,040 Was this Cadiz? 799 00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:40,840 No, Cadiz was singeing the King of Spain's beard, as it was called. 800 00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:43,760 - It was a success. - Cadiz is pronounced Cardiff, by the way. 801 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:45,440 IN SPANISH ACCENT: Cadiz. Cadiz. 802 00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:46,560 But if you say Cardiff, 803 00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:48,960 you're much closer to the way the Spanish say it. 804 00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:50,760 - As I've found out. - Oh, really? 805 00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:54,000 Just say Cardiff and they go, "Oh, si, si. That way." 806 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:55,640 You walked to it?! 807 00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:57,440 If you say Cadiz, they go, "Que?" 808 00:36:57,440 --> 00:36:59,320 But, anyway, it's nothing to do with Cadiz. 809 00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:01,360 Was it the one where we went and did too long? 810 00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:04,120 No, what's interesting about this is that the English had a plan. 811 00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:06,000 Having seen off the Spanish Armada, 812 00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:07,720 Drake, filled with confidence, 813 00:37:07,720 --> 00:37:10,160 thought they would really defeat Philip II of Spain 814 00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:12,480 and we would really finish the job. 815 00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:16,200 Instead of which, we lost 40 ships and it was an utter disaster. 816 00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:18,720 But they don't teach it in English schools. 817 00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:21,800 The Spanish Armada that is taught a lot and we celebrate 818 00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:24,280 was not really that much of a triumph, to be honest. 819 00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:27,000 We didn't sink their ships in the great battle. 820 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:30,400 The fire ships that Drake invented to send into them 821 00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:32,400 didn't destroy any Spanish shipping. 822 00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:34,920 So it was just not really that great a triumph. 823 00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:37,160 It was the wind that beat them, not really Drake. 824 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:40,320 But where... What... I've forgotten what the question was about 1589? 825 00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:43,360 What was the name of the fleet of ships that got its arse kicked? 826 00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:45,840 Oh, it's the name of the fleet of ships. I don't know. 827 00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:48,640 - It was the English Armada. - Oh, was it? Yeah. 828 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:50,960 - Yeah, well, I don't want to learn about that. - No! 829 00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:52,800 LAUGHTER 830 00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:55,040 - I learnt about HMS Victory. - Mm. 831 00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:59,760 And they used 60,000 trees to make HMS Victory. 832 00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:02,960 They would grow oak trees and when they were saplings, 833 00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:04,520 they would tie ropes round them 834 00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:08,040 so that branches would grow into bends, because they needed... 835 00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:13,040 To make the hulls and the keel, you needed oak in that shape, 836 00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:16,280 - so the growing of the oak was an extraordinary... - Amazing, isn't it? 837 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:18,880 Extraordinary expertise went into it. 838 00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:21,280 The year after the Spanish Armada, 839 00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,720 an English Armada was soundly beaten by Spain. 840 00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:25,720 But we don't really like to talk about it. 841 00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:28,480 That was something that people are generally ignorant about. 842 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:30,400 And here are some more. 843 00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:31,960 Fingers on buzzers, if you please. 844 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:35,600 I'll give you 100 points if you can name one of the countries 845 00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:40,640 where either the first or last shots of the First World War were fired. 846 00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:42,800 - Well... - It's worth it, for 100 points. 847 00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:44,800 - France. - KLAXON 848 00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:46,680 Germany, England... 849 00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:50,320 It's where that guy, the king, the man was shot in the carrier. 850 00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:52,080 - ..Austria, Turkey. - Where was that? 851 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,840 Well, that first shot in Sarajevo was not the shot of the war. 852 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:56,960 It's what caused the war later. 853 00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:58,680 Oh, you mean soldiers shooting. 854 00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:00,760 Once the war was under way, 855 00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:03,200 - the first shot that was actually fired in it... - Romania. 856 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:04,680 - The Isle of Man. - Denmark. 857 00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:07,000 - Jersey. - No. I'll tell you. 858 00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:08,440 It was Togoland. 859 00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:11,800 That was the next thing I was going to say. 860 00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:14,000 Where is Togoland? 861 00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:15,520 Next to Disneyland. 862 00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:18,880 It is now called Togo, but it was called Togoland then. 863 00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:21,960 It's the middle of the Pacific, isn't it? Somewhere a long way away. 864 00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:25,240 No, you may be thinking of Tonga or something. This is Africa. 865 00:39:25,240 --> 00:39:28,240 It was a German colony. And on the 4th August, 1914, 866 00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:30,800 the British Empire declared war on Germany 867 00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:33,040 and three days later it attacked Togoland, 868 00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:36,360 - Germany's small, but strategic colony there. - Is that Namibia-y way, then? 869 00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:39,960 No, it's much further up, near the Gold Coast, that sort of area. 870 00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,360 And Regimental Sergeant Major Alhaji Grunshi 871 00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:45,080 was the first to shoot back when the German-led police force 872 00:39:45,080 --> 00:39:47,480 shot the approaching British forces, colonial forces. 873 00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:49,920 - He was obviously better at it than Jeremy. - Yeah! 874 00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:52,240 - So he became... - Did he actually hit anything? 875 00:39:52,240 --> 00:39:53,960 He didn't necessarily hit anybody, 876 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:57,640 but he became the first member of the British Army to fire a shot in the war. 877 00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:01,000 Because I'd be the perfect armed guard for a Quaker meeting. 878 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:02,920 You would! You would! 879 00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:06,240 I'm loving everything that you're so bad with guns. 880 00:40:06,240 --> 00:40:07,920 - You missed again. - Yes, I have. 881 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:09,880 But the war also ended in Africa, in fact. 882 00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:11,640 The last actual battle took place 883 00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:15,560 on a golf course in Northern Rhodesia, which is now called Zambia. 884 00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:17,800 They stopped fighting eventually, 885 00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:20,040 but German troops fought on for ages 886 00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:22,600 in what is now Tanzania, Tanganyika as it was. 887 00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:24,560 And they surrendered on November 25th, 1918. 888 00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:26,320 If you shoot someone on a golf course, 889 00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:28,400 is it considered polite to shout "Fore!"? 890 00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:31,360 - You'd think it would be the least you could do. - Probably. 891 00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:34,360 So, yes, 14 days after the Armistice was the last shot of the war 892 00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:37,320 that anybody can find, which was in Tanganyika. 893 00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:41,320 So, yeah, the first shots of World War I were fired in Togo, 894 00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:42,880 the last in Tanganyika. 895 00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:44,800 And, finally, our last question. 896 00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:47,360 What happened to the last of the Mohicans? 897 00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:48,960 He had a haircut. 898 00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:50,880 LAUGHTER 899 00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:53,520 - Wild West show? - Well, what is a Mohican? 900 00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:56,800 - A hairstyle. - Well, aside from a hairstyle, yes. 901 00:40:56,800 --> 00:40:59,160 Well, it's an Indian. Native American tribe, is it? 902 00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:00,720 - Oh, no, wait... - You said what? 903 00:41:00,720 --> 00:41:03,320 Have I... I've gone and trodden on one of those land mines. 904 00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:05,400 Because you can't say Indian, can you? 905 00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:07,120 What do I say, Native American? 906 00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:08,560 No, actually you can say Indian. 907 00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:11,080 I found, doing a documentary all over the reservations... 908 00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:13,080 - I can say it? - ..they called each other Indians. 909 00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:14,720 I nearly got fired for that once. 910 00:41:14,720 --> 00:41:16,440 LAUGHTER 911 00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:18,400 APPLAUSE 912 00:41:20,360 --> 00:41:22,080 Things go around, don't they? 913 00:41:23,720 --> 00:41:26,360 The American Indian Movement is the premier political body 914 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,400 fighting for the rights of American Indians 915 00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:31,000 and they call themselves the American Indian Movement, AIM. 916 00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:32,560 It's a whole new world since I left. 917 00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:34,920 LAUGHTER 918 00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:37,600 There are two sets of Native Americans, American Indians, 919 00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:39,400 that have been known as Mohicans. 920 00:41:39,400 --> 00:41:42,200 They're the Mohegans, who live in Connecticut 921 00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:44,080 and run the Casino of the Sky. 922 00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:47,120 Yeah, the Mohegan Sun Casino, I've been there. 923 00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:49,480 - It's called Mohegans, is it? - Mohegan, yeah. 924 00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:51,480 And then the Mahicans or Ma-he-cans, 925 00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:53,840 also provide a gambling service for you 926 00:41:53,840 --> 00:41:56,480 at the North Star Mohican Resort in Wisconsin, 927 00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:58,960 known as "the Midwest's Friendliest Casino". 928 00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:00,120 Yeah. 929 00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:02,600 The guy on the right there is rubbish. 930 00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:03,960 He is. 931 00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:06,040 The worst Native American ever. 932 00:42:06,040 --> 00:42:08,200 - It doesn't work, does it? - Not joining in, is he? 933 00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:11,560 He's going, "No-one told me we were supposed to dress as Indians!" 934 00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:13,360 LAUGHTER 935 00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:14,840 "I look ridiculous!" 936 00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:16,440 LAUGHTER 937 00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:18,760 The Mohican hairstyle, which you've alluded to, 938 00:42:18,760 --> 00:42:20,520 is only called that in Britain. 939 00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:23,880 - What do they call it in America? - Something ridiculous. 940 00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:27,600 - They call it Mohawk. - A Mohawk! 941 00:42:27,600 --> 00:42:32,680 Yeah, but actually, neither Mohicans, neither the Mohegan... 942 00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:36,240 Whichever one you choose, none of them had their hair like that. 943 00:42:36,240 --> 00:42:38,520 Nor do Mohawks have their hair like that. 944 00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:41,680 It's the Pawnees who have their hair cut like that. 945 00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:44,720 But for some reason, Mohawk and Mohican is there. 946 00:42:44,720 --> 00:42:47,240 So, we haven't seen the last of the Mohicans. 947 00:42:47,240 --> 00:42:49,240 They're still coining it in their casinos. 948 00:42:49,240 --> 00:42:52,320 Ker-ching, ker-ching, chin-go ker-chook-chook-chook, ching ching. 949 00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:54,480 As Neville Chamberlain said, 950 00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:57,400 "In war, no matter which side may call itself the victor, 951 00:42:57,400 --> 00:42:59,600 "there are no winners, all are losers." 952 00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:01,640 And so it is with QI. 953 00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:04,520 But let's see who is the least losing of them all. 954 00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:06,480 Lord, oh, bless my blimey... 955 00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:09,360 Well, I have to say, it's a fantastic score 956 00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:11,440 for a first-time performance. 957 00:43:11,440 --> 00:43:13,560 Wow! Look at that! 958 00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:16,560 Quaking away at minus 2 is Sheila Hancock! 959 00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:19,680 APPLAUSE 960 00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:24,800 In second place, with minus 8, it's Jimmy Carr. 961 00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:27,520 - APPLAUSE - Minus 8 is good, that's great. 962 00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:32,480 In third place, going great guns, it's Jeremy. 963 00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:35,680 Minus 13. APPLAUSE 964 00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:37,800 Which means... How did you do that? 965 00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:41,320 And only just last is... 966 00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:43,480 Alan on minus 14. 967 00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:46,320 APPLAUSE 968 00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:53,720 That's all from Sheila, Jimmy, Jeremy, Alan and me. 969 00:43:53,720 --> 00:43:55,560 And I leave you with this deep thought 970 00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:57,280 of American humorist Jack Handy. 971 00:43:57,280 --> 00:43:59,680 "I can picture in my mind a world without war, 972 00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:01,160 "a world without hate 973 00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:03,120 "and I can picture us attacking that world, 974 00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:04,880 "because they'd never expect it." 975 00:44:04,880 --> 00:44:06,320 Good night.