1 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:29,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:32,120 WHISTLING 3 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,960 Well... 4 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,120 good evening, good evening, good evening, 5 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:42,320 good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, 6 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:46,160 which tonight is a melange of M places. 7 00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:49,240 Joining me on my metropolitan meander are, 8 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:51,560 the M-inent Sue Perkins! 9 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:54,920 APPLAUSE 10 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,520 The M-powered Sami Shah! 11 00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,000 APPLAUSE 12 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,960 The M-phatic David Mitchell! 13 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,520 APPLAUSE 14 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,000 WHISTLING 15 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:10,240 And...the frankly M-barrassing Alan Davies. 16 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:13,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 17 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:16,280 Their buzzers 18 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,800 celebrate some of the most magnificent Ms on the map. 19 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,080 Sue goes... 20 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:24,120 # When I was walking in Memphis... # 21 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:25,440 Sami goes... 22 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,080 # I'm going to Miami... 23 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,120 LAUGHTER 24 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:29,400 # Welcome to Miami... # 25 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:30,520 David goes... 26 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:34,560 # And the lights all went down 27 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,200 In Massachusetts... # 28 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,680 Yeah, the Bee Gees. And Alan goes... 29 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:43,160 # Glory, glory Man United... # 30 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:46,120 GROANING AND APPLAUSE Oh, don't you like that? 31 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:49,840 - Don't you like that? Oh, try again. - Oh... 32 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:51,920 # Hate Man United 33 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,280 # We only hate Man United... # 34 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:57,240 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING You see. 35 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:02,960 So, which of the following M-places is made up? 36 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,280 There they are. 37 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,240 Messak Settafet. 38 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,960 Er, The Mountains of Kong. 39 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,640 Meedhupparuraa... 40 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,280 LAUGHTER 41 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:13,800 Merv. 42 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,400 - # Miami... # - Yes, Sami? 43 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:18,600 I'm going to say Meedhupparuraa, only because... 44 00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:20,920 it has 'made up', literally, in its name. 45 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:22,880 ALARM 46 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:26,440 - Failure! - There's a logic there 47 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,200 and you're new to QI and I'd like to be merciful, 48 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,280 - but I'm not going to be. - All right, fair enough. 49 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:34,560 - DAVID: - But in a sense, all names are made-up, aren't they? 50 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,040 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 51 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,040 HIGH PITCHED: Welcome 52 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,480 to the logically ruthless world of David Mitchell! 53 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:46,520 LAUGHTER 54 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,240 Not that you sound like that, I'm sorry. 55 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,920 - But no, of course you're right, they are. - Yeah. - You're right. 56 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,560 But which one is not existing? But we have... 57 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:56,440 - The Mountains of Kong sounds like it's from fiction. - Kong. 58 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:59,400 That sounds totally made up. Mountains of Kong? 59 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,240 You're right. You're right. Though... 60 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,400 it was made up in a way that was utterly convincing for 100 years. 61 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,840 It's not like something from Flash Gordon, or something? 62 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:10,120 No, it's earlier than that. It was a cartographer 63 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,720 - who was a highly respected figure... - Mm. 64 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:15,400 ..who was just imagining them. 65 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,800 It was a chain of mountains all the way across Africa, 66 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,320 below the Sahara 67 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,960 and before what you might call 'darkest Africa', 68 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,440 sub-Saharan Africa, as we'd now say. 69 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:28,360 And this, right up to 1895, this was in atlases. 70 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:29,960 He was called James Rennell 71 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,920 and he was a very respected figure. 72 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,400 - And he... - Until someone... - Until he made it up. 73 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,760 Until someone went skiing in the Mountains of Kong. 74 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:37,800 LAUGHTER 75 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,680 - Well, the effect of it was that nobody... - Should be here somewhere. 76 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,520 The effect of it was that nobody dreamt 77 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:45,360 or thought of passing this barrier and going through 78 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:46,840 - to the rest of Africa. - Yeah. 79 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:48,680 They had obviously navigated the coast, 80 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,680 there was the slave routes, which were all the way further down, 81 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,360 but everyone thought from the north you couldn't get through. 82 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,920 Did he, what did he do, spill something on the map and..? 83 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,200 That's quite possible! 84 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,840 Oh, bollocks, I've just... I'll call it the Mountains of... 85 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,880 - LAUGHTER - ..Kong. 86 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:06,800 But who, who gets to name, who gets the honour of naming a thing? 87 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,480 - If you chance upon it, can you call it..? - Yeah. 88 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,040 Kong Mountains, or Jimmy Hill, or... 89 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:16,000 Maybe, in the case David Livingstone, you'd call it Lake Victoria, 90 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:19,480 after your dear queen and all that sort of thing. 91 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,840 - Difficult to name it after yourself, isn't it? - It is. 92 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,600 You have to name it after someone and so, 93 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,200 the thing to do, as an explorer, would be to get there 94 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:29,600 and then ask your assistant explorer if they can think of a name. 95 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:31,440 LAUGHTER 96 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:34,720 - You know, while reminding them how they got that job. - Yes. 97 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:35,720 LAUGHTER 98 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:38,080 "Oh, no, me? Really? Oh, you can't be..." Yes. 99 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,880 Well, he called somewhere Blantyre, 100 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,280 for example, which is where he was born in Scotland, Livingstone, 101 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,920 but you do run out, don't you? 102 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:48,640 It's a bit like the naming of waifs and strays, orphaned children, 103 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,760 at the Foundling Hospital in London. 104 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:53,040 It's a rather wonderful place to visit. 105 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:56,840 And there's a plaque with names of all these children who turned up 106 00:04:56,840 --> 00:05:00,200 who were orphans, or babies mostly, left by their mothers. 107 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,840 And after a while, the committee for naming them just got bored. 108 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,880 And so... Jessiah Table. 109 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,440 LAUGHTER 110 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,240 Charlotte Sky. 111 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:13,440 In a way, it's just awful! "Oh, I can't be arsed." 112 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,160 - John Thing. - Yes! 113 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,520 John Thing the Second. 114 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,800 - John Thing the Third. - John Other Thing. - Yeah. 115 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,640 Couldn't give a toss! 116 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:22,920 402. 117 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:24,680 LAUGHTER 118 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:28,760 But Meedhupparuraa exists in the Maldives. 119 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:31,360 That's an island in the Raa Atoll. 120 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:34,200 - Well, it won't exist for long, then. - LAUGHTER 121 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:38,040 - Because it's very low. - Yes, yes, absolutely, yes. - Very low. 122 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:40,040 A couple more coal-fired power stations 123 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,960 - and it'll be Meedhupparuraa again. - LAUGHTER 124 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,160 What about Messak Settafet? 125 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,440 - Fine tennis player. - LAUGHTER 126 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:52,120 Is it in Egypt? 127 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,760 Not actually in Egypt, 128 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,240 - but not so many million miles away. - Shropshire. 129 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,560 It's in the Sahara, is what I'm trying to say. 130 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,520 - In the Sahara. - It's in the Sahara, 131 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:05,720 and it is known as containing more tools than any other place on earth. 132 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,640 - Apart from "insert city." - Apart from Made In Chelsea. 133 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:12,280 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 134 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,800 You may say, "Oh, a lot of tools. Well, that's not very interesting." 135 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:21,120 But 75 artefacts per square metre, 136 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,560 it's almost 200 million per square mile. 137 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:27,440 - It's a staggering amount of man-made objects. - These things like hand axes? 138 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:30,040 - Yes. - That sort of old tools. - Yeah, all those kinds of things. 139 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:31,800 Over 100,00 years or so. 140 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,640 - Local sandstone was ideal. - Messak Settafet, 141 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:38,920 is that Saharan language, whatever it is, for Homebase, or...? 142 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,080 LAUGHTER 143 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:43,920 - It was the right kind of rock. - Clay Tools R Us. 144 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,840 They'd bought a lot of flint 145 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,400 - the day before the strimmer was invented. - Yeah. 146 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:49,720 LAUGHTER 147 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,520 According to Dr Robert Foley of Cambridge University, 148 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:55,320 the rock extracted from Africa by humans to make tools 149 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:58,000 over the last million years would be enough to build 150 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,240 three Great Pyramids of Giza 151 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:03,520 for every square mile of the entire continent. 152 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,640 Which is one way of expressing that there were a lot of them. 153 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,880 There was a lot more Africa 154 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,880 before early man turned it into tools. 155 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,400 - LAUGHTER - Well, it's still there. 156 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,720 - It's still in Africa, it's just now loose. - No, most of it's in museums. 157 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:20,280 Pyramids and pyramids are in museums 158 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,440 and in a big heap in Messak Settafet. 159 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,920 Probably the Mountains of Kong WERE there. 160 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:31,840 - LAUGHTER - They were just... - They just made tools out of them. - Yeah. 161 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,360 APPLAUSE 162 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,280 Very good indeed. 163 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,200 So, Merv. Where's Merv? Where was Merv? Where is Merv? 164 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,600 - Where could Merv be? - Usually fielding on the boundary. 165 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,640 - LAUGHTER So you're talking about... - Merv Hughes. 166 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,760 Merv Hughes, Merv the Swerve. Yeah. 167 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:49,960 No, it's not that. It genuinely was a place. 168 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,960 - Where's Merv? I don't know. - Well, it was a city. 169 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:57,000 Is that Merv... The earliest city is supposed to be Ur, isn't it? 170 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,160 - Yeah, that's just, they're like, "What shall we name it? Urgh!" 171 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,840 - - Exactly. - Argh! Eeeh! - - "Sounds good to me, yeah!" 172 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:06,560 - It's like the first stage of sophistication beyond Ur, 173 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,160 we've gone Ur, Argh, Eurgh and Eeh. 174 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:12,640 - You need then Merv, Brrf, Prrf. - LAUGHTER 175 00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:14,960 And then Seurgh. 176 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,680 Merv was on the legendary Silk Road. 177 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,600 - OK. - The great trading route. - Oh, all right. - Yeah. 178 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,320 - So China and India. - You mean in China and India and Pakistan. 179 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:27,320 - Exactly. Through your... - Yeah, it's in my neck of the woods, if you will. - Yeah, exactly. 180 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,560 Good old Merv, we used to go there for chai and beverages. 181 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:32,240 LAUGHTER 182 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,160 There's a guy there who makes an amazing naan. 183 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:37,360 LAUGHTER 184 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,800 Is it like Knutsford, like a services? 185 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:44,360 Naan, lovely, but surely chai is disgusting. 186 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:48,160 - Chai is tea! - Oh, chai's lovely. - It's hot, sweet milky. 187 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:51,720 - It's always sweet... - It's only your fault we have that! - LAUGHTER 188 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,480 - Have you ever asked... - There was no chai before the British came. 189 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,800 "..I'll have some chai, please, but without sugar." 190 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,200 Why would you ask without sugar? 191 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:02,920 - That's genuinely an insult which is, yeah, it's punishable. - Uh-oh. - LAUGHTER 192 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,200 I'd rather not get type 2 diabetes. 193 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,280 Stephen, he's only been here ten minutes and you've insulted him. 194 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:12,080 If you can't commit to type 2 diabetes, then you shouldn't have chai in the first place. 195 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,880 - LAUGHTER I've learnt that, painfully. - Fair enough. 196 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,040 Let's get back to Merv. 197 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:19,560 It was arguably the largest city in the world, 198 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:22,000 had a population of 200,000 people. 199 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:26,280 This is, we're going back from 1150s to 1200, that sort of thing. 200 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:29,040 - A bit quieter now, though, by the look of it. - Well, yes. 201 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:30,960 LAUGHTER 202 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:34,040 - Just a man and a donkey. - Ever since they built the railway! - Yep. 203 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,560 LAUGHTER 204 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:39,000 - Since they built the freeway. - He's sitting there like, "They'll come back soon." 205 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,240 That's what happened when they built the bypass. 206 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:44,520 The bottom fell out of the market for green stuff. 207 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,480 LAUGHTER 208 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:51,440 But it all sounds a bit George RR Martin, actually, 209 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:56,120 cos it changed hands between the Khwarazmians of Khiva, 210 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:57,680 the Ghuzz and the Ghurids. 211 00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,720 - And the Dothraki. - And the Dothraki in the end. LAUGHTER 212 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:04,800 In 1221, they surrendered to the Mongols, which was a big mistake. 213 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,120 Didn't everyone surrender to the Mongols around then? 214 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,840 - I would. - I don't think surrendering was the right word, though. 215 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,240 - They didn't have a choice in the matter as such. - Not really, 216 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,960 and the result was they were all massacred, every one of them killed. 217 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:18,600 - Disaster. - Yeah. - Except for that person. - The Mongols didn't understand the basics, did they? 218 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,000 - Yeah, the Mongols were not kind or polite. - Yeah, bad Mongols! 219 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,480 We might come to them later, who knows? 220 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:27,920 But the closest modern city to Merv is in Turkmenistan, 221 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,600 - and it's called Mary. - I like that. - It's a city called Mary. - Mother Mary. 222 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,960 - Why do you think it's called Mary? - Erm, why is it called Mary? 223 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,520 Oh, because Catholic missionaries, or...? 224 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:40,840 No, it's because they believe that's where the mother of Jee-ee-sus... 225 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,760 LAUGHTER ..was buried. 226 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,080 LAUGHTER BUILDS 227 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:48,680 - Anyway! - Why would the mother of Jesus have 228 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:50,880 gone quite such a long way to be buried? 229 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,600 It's a long way from Nazareth. 230 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,200 Cos she wasn't as much of a celebrity, then... 231 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,800 LAUGHTER 232 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,120 Nowadays, it would be no problem for her to sort it out. 233 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:03,280 You could get a sponsorship deal, Richard Branson would happily 234 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,080 helicopter her anywhere in the world to be buried, 235 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,480 - but in those days it's just a long trek... - It was. 236 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,960 ..with no-one really taking any notice of you. 237 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:13,840 - She's just another dead Mary, isn't she? - Exactly. 238 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:17,320 - Maybe it was just a random. Are they sure it's the right Mary? - Yeah. 239 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:20,880 - Well, it could be, because there was all kinds of Marys around. - Yes. 240 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:24,680 It was like Brighton, it was just full of Marys. 241 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,240 So - thank you for getting that, if you did - erm... 242 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,320 LAUGHTER 243 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:33,120 The Mountains of Kong aren't real, but Meedhupparuraa is. 244 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,680 Can you give me your best Mummerset accent? 245 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:38,640 "Mummerset." 246 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,840 THEY MUMBLE 247 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,720 You're hoping for an, "ooh-aar." 248 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:47,280 - Yes, that's correct. That's right. It's not difficult. - Oh. - Yeah. 249 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:50,480 - Another go. - So that's like a generic mumbling. - Yeah. 250 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,640 It's not even West Country, is it, Mummerset? 251 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:56,680 - It's sort of like a default kind of... It can be east and west or anywhere. - That's right, yes. 252 00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,760 You replace an S with a Z, like "zider," all that sort of thing. 253 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,640 F with a V - Vry, Stephen Vry. 254 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:06,520 Right, so for example, "I haven't seen Alan since Friday," 255 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:09,680 becomes, "Oi ain't zeen that Alan since Vroiday." 256 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,120 LAUGHTER 257 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,880 Why is it called Mummerset? 258 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:17,320 - Mummerset. - What is a mummer? What are mummers? - Oh, a theatrical player. - A theatrical clown. 259 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:21,120 - Mummers are... - Like a clown or something. - Actors. - Players. Actors. 260 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,480 And it's a word given to the generic West Country accent 261 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:29,000 that - most West Country people would say - bad actors 262 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,240 - give to a clown, a fool... - On BBC radio. 263 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,640 - ..a rustic, any kind of figure like that, in a drama or a film. - Pirates. 264 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,680 They say, "Ooh-aar, you can't come here." 265 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,240 - Pirates are bit West Country, aren't they? - Yeah. 266 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,800 "Aar. Aaaar." 267 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,440 So, how do you say, "Hay!"? 268 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,160 Like that! I don't know. 269 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:47,880 LAUGHTER 270 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,320 Hay! 271 00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:52,200 Hay bales! 272 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,840 Whooo! 273 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,800 - It's not unique... - Hay! 274 00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,880 LAUGHTER 275 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,280 - It's not unique to English. - He's delighted. 276 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,720 - I gather, Sami, that... - I've lost my needle ! 277 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,200 LAUGHTER 278 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,080 - APPLAUSE - Help me ! 279 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:15,480 But I gather, Sami, there is a generic Indian accent? 280 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:18,000 Well, OK, there is a generic Indian accent - 281 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,560 - PUTS ON ACCENT: - "Talking like this and everything's OK." 282 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,400 But I realised recently, cos I was doing a Pakistani character 283 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,800 in one of my stand-up shows, where I was talking about my relative, 284 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,200 and I put on a generic Indian accent, and I was like, 285 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,720 - "Am I being racist towards myself at this point?" - LAUGHTER 286 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:34,880 - PUTS ON ACCENT: - "How are you doing?" And I think, but I don't talk like that. 287 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,640 - So I don't know why I did that to myself. - That is fascinating. - Yeah. - LAUGHTER 288 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:41,360 Yeah, on the subject of accents and so on, 289 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:44,440 who was the first BBC newsreader 290 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:47,560 to have what you might call a regional accent? Do you know this? 291 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,480 - Uh... - It was a Yorkshire accent, as it goes. 292 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,600 - I don't know. I'm trying to remember one. - So from Yorkshire? 293 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,400 It was during the Second World War. 294 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,960 And the idea was, people thought - the BBC and the Government thought 295 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:02,840 that a local accent would be harder for a German impostor to put on. LAUGHTER 296 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,040 Because the newsreaders had to say their name. 297 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:08,800 So they'd say, "This is the six o'clock news read by Alvar Lidell," or whatever. 298 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,640 "Read by Wolfgang... Oh, oh!" 299 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,600 LAUGHTER 300 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,720 Exactly. Got you! Got you! Ha, ha! 301 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,040 And it was, "This is the six o'clock news 302 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:18,840 "read by Wilfred Pickles." 303 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,440 - Oh, Pickles. - Yeah, Wilfred Pickles. 304 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:24,400 Unfortunately the public reported that while they may believe that it was Wilfred Pickles, 305 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,880 what they didn't believe was a word he said. 306 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,200 IN A POSH ACCENT: "Because he didn't speak like this." 307 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,800 - IN A YORKSHIRE ACCENT: - "This was a lot of fuss about nothing." 308 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,840 "So we are winning the war in the Atlantic." "No, that's rubbish." 309 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,240 LAUGHTER 310 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:40,040 That's how it went. So actors, yeah, have this... 311 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,400 You're an actor as well as a comedian. 312 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,320 I did one stage play a while back, yeah. 313 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:47,560 - I believe it was Romeo And Juliet? - Yes. - And naturally you played... 314 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,120 I played Juliet, actually. 315 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,760 LAUGHTER 316 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:54,240 No, it was... The point of the play was to create awareness 317 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:57,800 about homosexuality and about AIDS awareness in Pakistan. 318 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,000 So we did the play and the goal was I would play Juliet 319 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,680 and we'd have a man playing Romeo as well. 320 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:07,000 But we did one night and then we got told not to do any more. 321 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,040 When you say told not to do any more, is that a euphemism for... 322 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,360 It's not a, "No, please don't do any more." 323 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,640 - It's not like that at all, no. - No. It's a, "Please don't do any more." 324 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,880 Well, I mean, they don't ever have to point it, because it's, um... 325 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:22,000 - Because they've got a massive sword. - Yeah, it's implied. - LAUGHTER 326 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:26,760 I don't want to make hasty judgements about Pakistan, I've never been, but you've got the Taliban. Hello? 327 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,160 - Yeah, but other than them it's nice. - LAUGHTER 328 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:32,360 - I mean, how do you go back? - Yeah, but Stephen, the naans, the naans! 329 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:33,960 The naans are amazing. 330 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,960 LAUGHTER 331 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,000 APPLAUSE 332 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:43,400 But seriously, how do you go back when you do things like this? 333 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:44,920 You stand up for gay rights. 334 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:47,640 You're not a gay man yourself, but you stand up for them, which is 335 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:50,560 completely, as it were, unnecessary, but a magnificent thing to do. 336 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,160 - How do you...dare? - What happens is you get the death threats 337 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,480 and as long as you're getting the death threats... 338 00:15:56,480 --> 00:16:00,200 - Oh, we all get death threats, don't we? - Yes! But we get them for silly things like, you know, 339 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,720 not being ever considered to be the host of a motoring show. 340 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,040 You get for doing really serious, humanitarian, 341 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,600 against-the-grain, political work. 342 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,840 Well, it's all just stand-up comedy at the end of the day, 343 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:12,040 so you're kind of wondering whether, like, is this another penis joke? 344 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,360 Like, you don't know how humanitarian it is. 345 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,360 So is there a thriving stand-up circuit? 346 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,080 There was me and another guy. 347 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,720 LAUGHTER 348 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,920 - And he's an undercover agent! - Yeah! 349 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:27,360 And he's German, it turns out. 350 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,360 No, the main thing I realised was as long as the death 351 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:32,080 threats are coming, you're safe. 352 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:35,160 It's when they stop coming, that means the people sending the threats 353 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,120 - are now coming over. - LAUGHTER 354 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,720 They used to say in the First World War, when you hear the 355 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,360 whistle of the shells, it's when they stop you're in danger. 356 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,400 - That's right. - God. 357 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:46,040 Well, Mummerset - exactly, it's mummers, 358 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:48,640 actors and their generic West Country accent. 359 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,600 Now, while we're in the West Country, 360 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,840 the highest point in Cornwall is called Brown Willy. 361 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,760 But can you name an M-word for the part of the body 362 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:59,120 that Brown Willy is named after? 363 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,000 - Hello. - I say! 364 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,440 LAUGHTER 365 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,800 - Massive man tool. - Massive man tool. - Massive man tool. 366 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:09,040 - Is it the middle? - Midriff, you mean? - Is it the pectorals? 367 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:11,880 - Mid...midr... No, just the middle. - The middle, general middle. 368 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,640 The middle of a person. 369 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:15,120 LAUGHTER 370 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,160 Can I just say about that man, he's spent so much time on his torso, 371 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,840 - and yet that hair. - Yeah. 372 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,400 LAUGHTER 373 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,280 And I say that with this, but you know. 374 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:26,840 - The Brown in Brown Willy actually comes from... - A bit of the body beginning with M... 375 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,600 - The mind. - Ooooh. - Oh, yeah. 376 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:33,440 - Aaah. - Is that body or is it...? Oh, I say. Well, that's interesting. - See what I did there? 377 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:36,000 - It comes from... - An internal organ beginning with M? 378 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,480 - The old Cornish word Bronn is the Brown bit. - OK. 379 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,720 - And that means breast. - Breast? - Breast. 380 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,080 Breast. 381 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,640 - LAUGHTER - Mammary glands. 382 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,960 - Yeah, exactly. - Does it make you feel more comforted to say it repeatedly? 383 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,960 - LAUGHTER Mammaries, exactly. - Breast, breast! 384 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:56,000 So yeah, and Willy was originally Wennili, meaning swallow. 385 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,560 - I mean the animal. The bird. - Right, sure. 386 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,000 LAUGHTER 387 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,720 There are lots of places in the UK named after mammaries. 388 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,160 Can you name one? 389 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,920 - Um... - Boob Town. - Boob Town! 390 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,240 LAUGHTER No, can you name a real one? 391 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:10,920 - Oh, sorry. - Great Tit-chfield. 392 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,240 The Mountains of Boob. 393 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,840 LAUGHTER 394 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:18,640 - LAUGHING: - The Mountains of Boob. - Well... 395 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,400 Press your buzzer. 396 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,680 # Man United... # 397 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,520 - Manchester? - Yes! 398 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,560 - Oh. - It was Mam-chester originally. 399 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,360 Mam as in mammary. Yes. 400 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:30,680 - And it's got "chest" in it as well. - Yeah! 401 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:31,840 LAUGHTER 402 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,000 It's an incredibly rudely named place. 403 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,720 - Full breasts, the mammaries and the chest. - Yeah. 404 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,600 - And there's Nippleton, as well, isn't there? - Yeah. 405 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,480 It's from the Celtic "Mam". 406 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,840 And you've got Mam Tor in Derbyshire. 407 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:45,000 Jugsford. 408 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,960 LAUGHTER 409 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,560 Racksbury. 410 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,880 Melonford. 411 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,800 - Great Titty. - Bazookaville. 412 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,040 LAUGHTER 413 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:57,440 Rackton. 414 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,760 LAUGHTER 415 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:01,160 Oh, dear, gracious. 416 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,200 The Paps of Anu in Ireland are named after the breasts... 417 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:05,720 LAUGHTER 418 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,520 And there's a Pap of Glencoe and a Maiden Pap in Scotland. 419 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,680 - There's Papworth. - Papworth, absolutely. 420 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,400 There's a hospital there. 421 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,560 - And what about Titty Hill in West Sussex? - What about it? 422 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,680 - It exists, but it's not named after breasts. - No, of course. 423 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:22,480 - What's it named after? - The other tits. - Sir Malcolm Titty. 424 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,600 LAUGHTER 425 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,720 It's so silly, it's funny. 426 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,080 His assistant named it when they both discovered it. 427 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,280 "What do you think we should call this?" "Er..." 428 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,000 - "I think we should name it after you, Titty." - "Titty Hill." 429 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:37,880 - LAUGHTER - "You found it, Titty." 430 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,560 "Well, we're not going to name it after you, Big Dick." 431 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,560 Silly Carry On lines. Oh, dear. 432 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:46,440 It's actually named after, I think you were struggling to say that, what it was named after. 433 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:49,040 - Oh, the birds? - The birds, the tits. - The blue tits. - Blue tits. 434 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,880 - Or the great tits. - Blue tits, great tits, yeah. Birds. LAUGHTER 435 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,960 - Brown Willy is the highest point of Bodmin Moor. - Of anyone's life. 436 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,560 LAUGHTER 437 00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:01,600 Anyway, how mad can a mango make a man go? 438 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:05,880 LAUGHTER Do you see what I did? There's a mango. 439 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:09,080 This is a story you either know or you don't, but it is actually 440 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:13,120 genuinely a fascinating story, and rather horrifically repellent, too. 441 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:15,280 So where a mango made a man go mad? 442 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,920 - It made a whole nation go mad, actually, this. - Is there something toxic about a mango? 443 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,960 Not toxic. It made them go mad in a fever of worship. 444 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,920 Oh, so they fetishised the mango? 445 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,800 They fetishised the man who gave them the mango. 446 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:30,200 - They made a god of a mango-bringing man? - Virtually, yes. - Right. 447 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:33,160 - Absolutely right. - Was it Del Monte, the man from Del Monte? 448 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:35,160 LAUGHTER 449 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:38,000 That would have been relatively sane, in a strange sort of way. 450 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:43,160 - To worship the man from Del Monte? - This was the largest nation on earth in the 1960s. 1968, to be precise. 451 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:46,640 - China. - China. - China. So who ruled China in 1968? 452 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,720 - Mao Zedong. - Mao Zedong. The hero of the people. 453 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,800 He received a crate of mangos from... 454 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,040 - The man from Del Monte! - The man from Del Monte. 455 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:57,120 - The man responsible was the Pakistani Foreign Minister. - There we go. 456 00:20:57,120 --> 00:21:00,600 - Do you know this story? - Oh! - Yeah, because the Pakistani mango is, 457 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:04,640 - no matter what the Indians say, the best in the world. - Yes. 458 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,880 And the fact that I haven't had a Pakistani mango in three years now 459 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:10,480 - is just a point of misery for me. - You really miss them? 460 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,600 Oh, my God, they're amazing. They really are. 461 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:16,080 If you try and eat a mango, usually they've been over-chilled 462 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:19,560 in Britain, so they're fibrous and that stone in the middle is too close 463 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,840 to the flesh, and you try it with your knife and it squirts over you. 464 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,760 What should you do? Should you just simply bury your head in it? 465 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,720 - There's no dignity. - Right, so you... 466 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:31,480 Mangos are like lobsters. You can't look cool and eat a mango. 467 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:34,000 Like, you decide, "I'm eating the mango 468 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,920 "OR I'm getting laid tonight." 469 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:39,480 - LAUGHTER - Those are the choices you make in life. 470 00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:43,280 Well, obviously, then, the Pakistani Foreign Minister in 1968 thought 471 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:47,040 he was doing a really smart thing by giving such a beautiful fruit, 472 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,520 a crate of them to the leader of the most populous nation on earth, 473 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:55,520 Mao Zedong, and he instantly re-gifted those mangos. 474 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:58,760 - This is where it gets weird. - Awkward. - Yeah. - He gave them to 475 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:01,760 the factory workers' peace-keeping squads, who called themselves 476 00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:05,440 The Worker Peasant Mao Zedong Thought Propaganda Teams. 477 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,080 - Catchy. - LAUGHTER 478 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:10,400 What's the big deal? He didn't like them, re-gifted them. 479 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,240 No story there. The crate of mangos was split up 480 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,560 and individual fruits were sent to factories, 481 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:19,480 where they were put on altars - so yes, you were right, worshipped - 482 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,280 preserved in formaldehyde, sealed in wax, 483 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:25,400 and in one case, boiled in a huge pot of water, 484 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,840 and one teaspoon went to each worker, of the water. 485 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:32,480 - So they didn't eat the mango? - No. It gets weirder. 486 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:35,600 - There were mango... - Just... - There were Mao mango... LAUGHTER 487 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:37,400 - Lots of M's here. - Sacrilege! - It is! 488 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:41,480 There were Mao mango medallions. Textiles with mango pictures on them. 489 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,160 Hundreds more mango artefacts - trays, mugs, fabric. 490 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:47,240 The state even produced Mango brand cigarettes. 491 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,560 Despite all this, most people in China, of course, 492 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,720 had never seen a mango. There was only one crate 493 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,520 to go round a billion people. 494 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:54,920 LAUGHTER 495 00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:57,800 One man who remarked that it was nothing special 496 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,200 and looked just like a sweet potato 497 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,560 was arrested as a counter-revolutionary... 498 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:05,000 - LAUGHTER - As he should have been. 499 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,800 ..put on - wait for it - put on trial, found guilty, 500 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,200 taken to the edge of town and shot. 501 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:13,440 LAUGHTER 502 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,560 - Sorry, sorry. - Now, come on! 503 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,440 - I'm just saying! Sorry. - APPLAUSE 504 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,320 There we go. It's pretty astonishing though, isn't it? 505 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,040 It tells a lot about human nature. It's very unfortunate. 506 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:29,480 What you want to do, you want to slice the side off and then score it 507 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,080 - with horizontal and vertical lines... - Oooh. 508 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:33,960 ..and then kind of pop it inside out... 509 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:37,960 - And then it's like a little hedgehog. - Yeah. - ..and then you eat the little squares. 510 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:39,280 AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPS 511 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,040 You can get a sort of clutter that shape. LAUGHTER 512 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,680 Round of applause for describing how to eat a mango! 513 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:47,680 The Mango Appreciation Society is in. 514 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,040 I'm very proud to be part of a show in which 515 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:53,400 - we can spend ten minutes discussing mangos. - Yeah. 516 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,120 - It's very pleasing. - Lovely. 517 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:59,280 Now, who gets best use out of a man engine? 518 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,200 A woman. 519 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,480 LAUGHTER 520 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:06,840 Can't believe that hasn't gone off! 521 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:08,560 LAUGHTER 522 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,680 - Do you want to know what the forfeit was? - No. 523 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:13,480 "You do, Stephen." 524 00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,440 LAUGHTER 525 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:16,840 Isn't that sick? I said, 526 00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:19,440 "No, no-one's going to say that!" And you didn't. 527 00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,320 - Yeah, we've moved beyond. - Yeah, exactly. 528 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:25,200 - Anyway, what do you get out of a man engine? - Is it invented by a Mr Man? 529 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,960 - Not a Mr Man, not like... - Mr Men. LAUGHTER 530 00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:31,120 - Mr Strong or... - Mr Inventor. - Roger Hargreaves. - Yeah. 531 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:33,520 - Mr Brilliant Inventor. - Mr Inventor. 532 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,160 But someone whose surname was Man? 533 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:37,960 No, it's nothing to do with that. 534 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,160 - What was the first engine? - Steam engines. - Steam. 535 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:43,400 - There was the Newcomen engine. - The Newcomen engine, where was that? 536 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:44,920 That was in the early 18th century, 537 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,960 it was for pumping water out of mines. 538 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,160 - Where were those mines? - Cornwall. - Cornwall? - Cornwall. Tin mines. 539 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:54,560 - Tin mines. - Trevithick, his engine, and Newcomen, as you rightly say. 540 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:58,080 So, you've got to get men down the mines to hammer away and get the tin. 541 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:01,360 And there, you can see, there's a ladder that goes a certain way down, 542 00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:04,880 but if you dig down, dig down, dig down, dig down, and then you've got a real problem. 543 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:09,280 The men have got to get all the way down to the bottom, all the way up to the top, and they'll be knackered. 544 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,680 - You're not getting good productivity out of them. So you need... - A lift! 545 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:16,080 - Yeah, but there's no technology for a lift. - Oh, shit! - You need a man engine! 546 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:19,000 - So all you have is a wheel that goes round, like that. - Oh, yeah. 547 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,520 That's what you have. It's very cunning, look at that. 548 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:24,280 - Watch the men there going up. - That's like two weird ski lifts. 549 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:26,920 - I bet there were never accidents doing that. - LAUGHTER 550 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,240 Well, given how many there are in coal mines.... 551 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:31,200 It's beautifully elegant, isn't it? 552 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,920 And is that when they invented the computer game as well? 553 00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:35,440 LAUGHTER 554 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,760 Well, that's to give you an impression of how it works. 555 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:41,320 It's actually rather elegant. As you can see, the flywheel or whatever you call it, 556 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:44,720 the wheel which converts into this downward and upward motion. 557 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:47,840 And obviously if you reverse, it'll get the men down. 558 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,600 I could watch that for days. 559 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:52,440 - Yeah. - I've actually gone into a hypnotic trance now, have you? 560 00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:55,880 As you can see, this one is simply run by water, it's not even a steam engine. 561 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,560 And then they get on a conveyor belt at the top. 562 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:01,200 LAUGHTER 563 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,160 APPLAUSE 564 00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:07,960 Yes, you're right. 565 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,240 It can't be, they hadn't invented that. It must be an ice rink. 566 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:13,880 LAUGHTER 567 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:15,680 - These days, mines are... - "Argh!" 568 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:17,760 "Argh! Argh!" 569 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:20,320 "Argh! Argh!" 570 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,400 LAUGHTER The Lemmings game. 571 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,840 Now, what are the three manly games? 572 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:29,280 Rugger, surely. 573 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,680 KLAXON 574 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:37,080 - Not rugby. - Spin the bottle? - Boxing. 575 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,200 - Boxing? - Oh... - No. - KLAXON 576 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,280 David, David, David, David, David... 577 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:44,000 - Is it going to be Tiddlywinks and... - Oh! 578 00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:45,840 KLAXON 579 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:48,080 LAUGHTER 580 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:50,720 APPLAUSE 581 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:52,640 That is miraculous, I have to say. 582 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,480 Greco-Roman wrestling. 583 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,800 It's a form of wrestling. It's not Greco-Roman - 584 00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:59,800 - it's very much of its own country, which begins with our... - M? 585 00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,360 - ..our guest letter, yes, exactly. - Mongolian wrestling. 586 00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:03,840 Mongolia is the right answer! 587 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:06,960 Oh, I'm bouncing back from the tiddlywinks fiasco. 588 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:10,320 Yeah, the Mongolians have these games in their biggest festival, 589 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:11,920 which is Naadam. 590 00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:14,160 So, as you can see, it's archery, it's horse racing 591 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:16,200 and it's wrestling in tight pants. 592 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:17,720 And that's what the Mongolians do. 593 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,480 - Those aren't pants, sorry. - Aren't they? 594 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:22,120 - They're underwear. - Oh, yeah! We have a linguistic issue here, 595 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:23,560 - you're right. - I'm... Oh, sorry. 596 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,520 Oh, so in England are underwear pants? 597 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,720 - Yes. - Yes. - That explains a lot of confusion I have. 598 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,360 LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH 599 00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,080 It's... What they're really wearing 600 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,120 - is some sort of cheerleader's outfit. - Yeah. 601 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:36,920 It's a sort of crop top and tight underpants and boots. 602 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:39,760 This is confusing for me, cos this is exactly what Mary Berry 603 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:41,560 is wearing in this season of Bake Off. 604 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:43,040 LAUGHTER 605 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,320 - And it's... - She's got a soggy bottom! 606 00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:48,080 - In that outfit, everyone has a soggy bottom. - Well, that's true. 607 00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:50,640 The thing is, although they're called the three manly games, 608 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:53,640 women can enter the archery and the racing, the horsing, 609 00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:56,000 but they can't enter the wrestling with men in it. 610 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,560 Is the jockey tiny or is the horse enormous? 611 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,200 LAUGHTER 612 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:03,000 A bit of both! A bit of both plus the effect of... 613 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:06,440 - Its vast head! - I think that horse is a donkey. 614 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:07,800 LAUGHTER 615 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,880 - Do you really? - It does look like a donkey. - Yeah, I think it's a donkey. 616 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:14,080 I don't think that person will win cos his horse is a donkey. 617 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:15,680 LAUGHTER 618 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:17,480 But this will interest you, I think. 619 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:21,440 The winner of the Naadam wrestling contest is given the title... 620 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,040 - Oh, there he is. Yeah. - Ooh, hello. 621 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:26,680 Did the man second back ever have his breasts used 622 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:29,880 to model a tor in, or a mountain in, Cornwall? 623 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:31,480 - Because it... - LAUGHTER 624 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:33,360 What is it with the clothes and the hats, 625 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:36,640 - what are they doing?! - Look, this is a culture long established 626 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,720 that murdered all the people of Merv. 627 00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:40,840 - Yeah. - LAUGHTER 628 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:42,840 - They make fun of their predecessors. - Yeah... 629 00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,040 When they turned up in Merv, and everyone went... 630 00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:47,200 - HE LAUGHS - We surrender and your clothes are funny! 631 00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:49,240 LAUGHTER 632 00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:52,680 In Mongolia, nothing's more manly than wrestling another man 633 00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:54,600 in a pair of tiny underpants. 634 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:58,120 What's the connection between margarine and marriage in Maine? 635 00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:01,600 - Oh... Is this like a sort of erm... - Is it an anagram? 636 00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:04,840 - It's about statistics... - Oh, is it about...people less interested? 637 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:08,000 Well, there's a man called Tyler Vigen of Harvard University, 638 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,600 who describes himself as a "statistical provocateur", 639 00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:16,560 - and he's found evidence that... - He sounds AWFUL. 640 00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:17,880 LAUGHTER 641 00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:20,480 He's really trying to sex up his dossier there. 642 00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:23,040 Can you imagine getting stuck at a party 643 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:25,360 with a statistical provocateur? 644 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:27,440 LAUGHTER 645 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:30,080 "Are you saying there are more schoolchildren who 646 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:31,920 "have pencils than don't?" 647 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:35,000 "Well... Prepare to be shocked!" LAUGHTER 648 00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:38,280 I'd say 75% of me thinks you're a total dick. 649 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:40,120 LAUGHTER 650 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:43,960 - Oh, I feel sorry for him now, you bastards. - No, there is a point to him. 651 00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:48,600 He discovered that the divorce rate in Maine since 2000 652 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:52,720 correlates with the per capita consumption of margarine in the United States as a whole. 653 00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:55,160 In other words, when margarine consumption goes up... 654 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,200 so do the number of divorces. 655 00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:00,240 - But that's a false correlation presumably. - Yes! That's the point. 656 00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:04,760 He actually wants us to understand that it's very easy for us to believe 657 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:08,880 that you get a set of statistics that say... 658 00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:12,440 "as the amount of free milk and orange juice went up in the '50s 659 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,160 "so did the literacy rate in Britain" - 660 00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:19,000 people go, "Oh, that just shows them orange juice and milk are very important to literacy." 661 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,440 It's bollocks. You have to demonstrate a causal relationship. 662 00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:24,680 This is what's known as a correlative one. 663 00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:27,240 And he becomes more and more ridiculous. 664 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,440 And that's why he's a provocateur, he wants to... 665 00:30:29,440 --> 00:30:32,880 - SOUNDS provocative. - Yeah. - It is, kind of. He discovered - 666 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:34,280 these are just "M" ones alone - 667 00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:37,640 the age of Miss America correlates to the number of murders by steam, 668 00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:39,760 hot vapours and hot objects. 669 00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:42,200 LAUGHTER The marriage rate in New York 670 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:44,720 correlates with the number of murders by blunt objects. 671 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:47,720 So the more people get married in New York, the more murders there are. 672 00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:50,000 That might actually be causative. LAUGHTER 673 00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:52,720 George Canning, who was Prime Minister of Britain for the 674 00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:55,200 supreme length of 119 days - 675 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:57,400 there he is, not the best-known Prime Minister - 676 00:30:57,400 --> 00:31:00,240 he said, "I can prove anything with statistics, 677 00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:01,760 "except the truth." 678 00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:03,360 Mmmm! 679 00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,200 That's when they got rid of him. 680 00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:06,960 LAUGHTER Yeah. 681 00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:08,480 They went, "Oh, God..." 682 00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:10,000 I was thinking the... 683 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:11,960 "Can't you be more provocative?!" 684 00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:13,400 LAUGHTER 685 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:16,440 Now - describe the morning glory of the rubber people of Mexico. 686 00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:17,480 ALAN LAUGHS 687 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:22,920 - Is there something amusing in that question? - Yeah. 688 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:25,680 - The morning glory of the rubber people. - The rubber people? 689 00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:27,160 Break it down for us. 690 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:29,200 What's morning glory? 691 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:31,120 Well, morning glory 692 00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:35,560 is a delicious vegetable enjoyed by many people in southeast Asia and often put in broths, 693 00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:37,480 and a massive erection. 694 00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:39,520 LAUGHTER 695 00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:44,240 - Yeah, a morning glory is indeed a flower, beautiful flower. Vegetable and flower. - Yeah. 696 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:46,280 The rubber people...? 697 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:48,360 - DAVID: - Are these where there are rubber trees? 698 00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,520 Well, it's the early people of Mexico, 699 00:31:50,520 --> 00:31:52,080 the earliest people we know of... 700 00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:54,760 - SAMI: - The rubber age. - LAUGHTER 701 00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:56,800 - The rubber age! - Iron age, rubber age. 702 00:31:56,800 --> 00:32:00,240 Well, it was for them a rubber age, exactly. These people. 703 00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:03,880 Because rubber was first cultivated in Mexico. 704 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:08,600 Not in Malaysia or Liberia any of the other places where it's grown, but in Mexico. 705 00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:10,640 And the people of that time... 706 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:13,160 Well, I only know the Aztecs... 707 00:32:13,160 --> 00:32:16,520 - Or the Mayans? - Well, the Aztecs gave them this name. They were called the Olmec. 708 00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:20,360 Between 1200 and 400 BC, so it was a long time ago. 709 00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:23,120 And then they tapped rubber, 710 00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:25,680 and made a ball out of it which they played their ball game in, 711 00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:28,200 which they called in their language "the ball game". 712 00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:29,440 LAUGHTER 713 00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:30,920 And they used one of those hoops, 714 00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:33,120 and versions of it are still played to this day. 715 00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:35,040 So it's really remarkable. 716 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:38,720 Because it was 3,000 years later 717 00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:42,000 that we in the West learned to do this same thing to rubber, 718 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:43,840 a process known as... 719 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:45,800 - Do you know what it's called? - Vulcanization? 720 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:48,280 Vulcanization, exactly right. 721 00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:50,280 Invented by Spock and the Vulcans. 722 00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:52,400 LAUGHTER Yeah, exactly! 723 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:55,840 It was a man called Thomas Hancock in Britain, and a better-known figure 724 00:32:55,840 --> 00:33:00,160 called Charles Goodyear in America - Goodyear tyres still obviously used - 725 00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:02,400 in 1844. 726 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:06,040 Yes, the Olmecs were making rubber a good few years before Goodyear. 727 00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:08,960 But now it's time for the earth-shattering round 728 00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:11,880 that we call General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, if you please. 729 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:16,120 What's the easternmost state of the USA? 730 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,080 # ..Massachusetts... # 731 00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:20,920 Well... Now... 732 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:22,200 LAUGHTER 733 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:23,440 I'm going to say Alaska. 734 00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:26,160 Is the right answer! Well done. 735 00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:27,640 APPLAUSE 736 00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:30,240 Yeah... 737 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:33,960 Maine sees the first sunrise on the continental United States, 738 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:36,400 but that's the line of longitude, 739 00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:37,920 and little bits of that 740 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:40,440 that look like just Russia and things are actually Alaska - 741 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:43,240 you see those islands at the bottom that curve round... 742 00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:45,200 - It's got the weirdest shape, Alaska. - Yeah. 743 00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:47,080 The very south of it, the Aleutian Islands, 744 00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:49,720 they cross the line of longitude, 745 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:52,680 so the bits that go right up to the line are the westernmost parts 746 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:55,440 but the bits the other side are the easternmost parts. 747 00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:58,000 So there are bits of it that are south of Russia... 748 00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,480 Yes. Absolutely, it's all very surprising. 749 00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:04,160 - Are they inhabited, any of those, do we know? - No, I don't think so. 750 00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:06,200 Most of them are uninhabited. 751 00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:08,280 Any old fishing villages or something? 752 00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:11,080 Millions of sea birds. But no, not many humans. 753 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:13,640 Alaska's state motto is North To The Future. 754 00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:16,560 Don't know what that means, but there it is. 755 00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:20,360 They all have mottos, these states - 756 00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:23,440 my favourite one is Kentucky. 757 00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:25,640 Kentucky's known really for two things... 758 00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:28,360 - Fried chicken. - Well, yeah, apart from that. 759 00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:30,320 It's called the Bluegrass State, 760 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:34,120 but it's bourbon and the Kentucky Derby, the race. 761 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:38,000 And somebody came up with a two-word phrase for Kentucky, 762 00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:41,440 which encapsulates both those things which I think is rather brilliant... 763 00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:43,040 Pissed Horses. 764 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,480 LAUGHTER That would do it... 765 00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:47,600 No, it's Unbridled Spirit. 766 00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:50,080 - Oh...! - Isn't that clever? - Very good. 767 00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:52,640 - That's genuinely clever. - No, that's great, 768 00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:55,560 that absolutely shits on North To The Future. 769 00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:56,720 LAUGHTER 770 00:34:58,360 --> 00:34:59,440 It's got to be said! 771 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:02,200 Cos if there's one place you do not want to head north from 772 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:05,320 it's Alaska - cos there's fuck all of the world there. 773 00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:06,720 LAUGHTER 774 00:35:06,720 --> 00:35:08,320 You want to go SOUTH. 775 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:09,800 - South to the future. - Yeah. 776 00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:12,720 North to the future, maybe, you'd say, from Argentina. 777 00:35:12,720 --> 00:35:14,320 Yes! 778 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:18,080 But Alaska - south. North, in denial of the rest of humanity. 779 00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:19,400 LAUGHTER 780 00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:21,880 - "Head into the snow and die." - "North to a massive tundra." 781 00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:24,000 Wishful thinking, exactly. 782 00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:27,560 Yes, East is East, West is West and Alaska is both. 783 00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:30,040 In which country was Mozart born? 784 00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:31,240 - Ooh. - Mm. 785 00:35:31,240 --> 00:35:34,480 The countries were weird then, most of the countries didn't exist yet. 786 00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:37,360 Places like you think it's always been a country, like Germany 787 00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:39,920 - and Italy, didn't exist then. - No, that's right. 788 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:43,160 - Was it the Mountains of Kong? - LAUGHTER 789 00:35:43,160 --> 00:35:45,320 - Well, obviously... - Was he born in Salzburg? 790 00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:46,640 Yes! Well done. Good points. 791 00:35:46,640 --> 00:35:49,080 - And was that like a republic? - It was indeed. It was a state. 792 00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:52,040 APPLAUSE Yeah, it was a Serbian state. 793 00:35:54,160 --> 00:35:58,240 But Mozart HATED it and he moved, as soon as he could, to Vienna. 794 00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:00,960 Called himself German, although there was no such country. 795 00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:04,200 In fact, he died way before there was such a country. 796 00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:08,480 He didn't make Paul McCartney's mistake of, you know... 797 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:10,280 outliving his cool. 798 00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:12,680 LAUGHTER No. 799 00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:15,000 - He didn't. - Yep. - Very, very true. 800 00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:16,960 APPLAUSE 801 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:22,000 So, there you are. Yes, Mozart was a Salzburger. 802 00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:24,600 Goethe, as it happens, was a Frankfurter, 803 00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:27,200 Mendelssohn was a Hamburger, 804 00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:28,960 and the Brothers Grimm were Hessian. 805 00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:31,440 So they all came from different lands. 806 00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:33,760 Who invented the aqueduct? 807 00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:35,760 - SAMI: - The... 808 00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:37,440 DAVID LAUGHS 809 00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:39,000 - Go on, Sami! - Romans. 810 00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:41,360 Oh! KLAXON 811 00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:42,920 Damn! 812 00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:44,600 You fell into our little honeytrap. 813 00:36:44,600 --> 00:36:47,480 - What have the Romans ever done for us? - LAUGHTER 814 00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:49,280 They built that beautiful one there 815 00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:52,800 - which the Pont du Gard in the Provencal region... - So who got there first? 816 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:56,440 The Etruscans, or someone who came before the Romans. 817 00:36:56,440 --> 00:36:59,600 - Even further before actually, you've got to go way back. - Adam. 818 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:01,280 LAUGHTER 819 00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:02,960 Too far back. 820 00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:05,920 - That's a bit too far back. DAVID: - The Babylonians? 821 00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:10,200 Always a good bet. The first ones that are known about to archaeology 822 00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:13,040 were quite simple little ones, little runnels that allowed water... 823 00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:15,240 - Assyrians? - ..like that, not great big... 824 00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:19,760 No, we're actually in Greek-ish land, the Minoan culture. Which is Crete. 825 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:24,560 And they were about the second millennium BC, so it was a long time ago. 826 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:28,000 And then also earlier was as you said Babylonian - 827 00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:29,640 Sennacherib, 828 00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:33,280 who was a big emperor of the time, celebrated in a Byron poem. 829 00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:34,680 Good hat. 830 00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:37,760 He built really impressive ones, he was extremely rich and powerful. 831 00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:40,040 It was about 691 BC. 832 00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:41,880 Ten metres high, 30 metres wide, 833 00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:45,320 made of over two million stones, his aqueduct. Was used to water his gardens. 834 00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:46,960 - (Shut up.) - Which many think were the 835 00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:49,920 - sort of the origin of... DAVID: - The Hanging Gardens. - Yes. 836 00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:51,840 Do you think that could possibly be true? 837 00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:55,720 Well, there is quite a lot of archaeology to support it, it's not just description... 838 00:37:55,720 --> 00:37:59,280 Two million stones? It must've taken 100 years to build. 839 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:03,240 Well, 100 million slaves probably - not that many obviously, but... Yeah. 840 00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:07,000 It was an 80 kilometre limestone aqueduct, it's a long way. 841 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:10,160 (80 kilometres?) Yeah. Just for a garden. 842 00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:11,920 - Just... - But gardens are important. 843 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:15,480 - Alan Titchmarsh has got a similar one in HIS garden. - LAUGHTER 844 00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:19,640 - HE MIMICS ALAN: - "But it's made of plastic guttering from B&Q!" 845 00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:22,160 "Decking. Lovely, lovely decking." 846 00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:24,480 It has to be said that those Minoan ones, 847 00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:27,480 the word "gutter" is more appropriate than the word "aqueduct". 848 00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:28,840 LAUGHTER 849 00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:30,560 I would not say I had an "aqueduct" 850 00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:33,120 round the edge of my house to collect the rainwater. 851 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:35,000 LAUGHTER 852 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:38,120 "The aqueduct's leaking again!" 853 00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:40,160 "Get out there and clear the aqueduct!" 854 00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:42,600 "Oooh...love." 855 00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:47,040 Now... Ooh, this is exciting! I've got some glasses of water for you. 856 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:48,440 - Ooh! - Yes, I know. Be very... 857 00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:50,400 HE STRAINS ..very excited. 858 00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:54,120 Oh, there we go. Here are yours, Alan and David. 859 00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:55,680 Now, before... Don't try them. 860 00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:59,280 Don't, for God...whatever you do, drink any yet! 861 00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:02,280 Until you know what you're doing. 862 00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:06,040 Ah, there we are. There's A, B and C. Can you see that? 863 00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:08,560 - Well, A has got something in it. - Yeah. 864 00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:10,200 There's some weird detritus in it. 865 00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:12,520 Yeah, that's either some very poor washing up... 866 00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:14,360 - LAUGHTER - ..or that's... - Dandruff. 867 00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:18,000 - Well, I'll tell you what it is. A is sea water. A is sea water. - Oh. 868 00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:20,640 - Oh, it'll kill you. - I'll tell you what B is. 869 00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:22,920 Fresh water, because there's bubbles in it. 870 00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:24,320 It's, er, treated sewage. 871 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:27,400 - All right, then. Ooh. - LAUGHTER 872 00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:29,280 That's why it's got bubbles in it! 873 00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:32,760 - Yeah, are you sure they're bubbles then? - And C is ultrapure water. 874 00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:34,320 - Right. - Can I have C? 875 00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:35,680 LAUGHTER 876 00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:37,040 Is that... That's your choice? 877 00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:38,240 - Oh, no. - Hey! 878 00:39:38,240 --> 00:39:41,840 LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH 879 00:39:43,720 --> 00:39:47,480 But, to be fair, we don't know whether Sue meant C as in C 880 00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:49,200 - or sea as in sea. - STEPHEN LAUGHS 881 00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:51,680 LAUGHTER Ah, you little devil! 882 00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:52,920 LAUGHTER 883 00:39:52,920 --> 00:39:56,360 But, yes, the point was to trap you into choosing ultrapure water. 884 00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:59,280 - Ultrapure water is too pure. - Oh. 885 00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:03,760 The kidneys have a real problem here, because we rely on electrolytes 886 00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:09,080 to power, energize our brains and the heart and other bits of ourselves. 887 00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:12,680 And if your blood is drained of all the particles, 888 00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:16,200 because the pure water is taking them away, through osmosis, 889 00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,880 then you will die if you have too much ultrapure water. 890 00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,120 I'm going to revise now. 891 00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:24,160 - Would that amount of pure water kill you? - No, no! That's fine, no. 892 00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:26,040 So what is the best out of those three? 893 00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:28,040 Well, what about sea water, what...? 894 00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:29,880 Well, sea water's got a lot of salt in it. 895 00:40:29,880 --> 00:40:31,680 Yeah, the kidneys try and get the salt out, 896 00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:34,040 and, in order to get the salt out, they have to use water. 897 00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:37,880 So you, actually, the effect of drinking sea water is to dehydrate. 898 00:40:37,880 --> 00:40:40,000 - Yeah. - Right. - So we're left with treated sewage. 899 00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:43,080 - Well, it's been treated, I suppose that's... - It has been treated, yeah. 900 00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:46,080 But someone told me that water that you drink from a tap in London 901 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:49,360 has been through nine people before it reaches the glass. 902 00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:50,880 - Is that true? - Yeah, it's not yet... 903 00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:53,760 No, it's not yet true at all. This is a sort of urban myth, that we all 904 00:40:53,760 --> 00:40:56,920 - like to think we're drinking... - It's been through cows and sheep as well. 905 00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:58,280 LAUGHTER 906 00:40:58,280 --> 00:41:00,920 - They're talking about it... - I'd like to know which nine people 907 00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:03,760 - they were, wouldn't you? - That is also very important to know. - Yeah. 908 00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:06,200 - In Windhoek, which is the capital of Namibia... - Namibia. 909 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:10,120 - Yeah, exactly. And there, they have a slightly salty water... - Points! 910 00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:12,080 ..because 25% of it is treated sewage, 911 00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:15,560 but only 25%. But it's perfectly OK. 912 00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:18,400 There's no excuse not do what this is, I believe, 913 00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:20,560 which is probably either Orange Country or LA, 914 00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:23,880 which is that they use treated sewage for golf courses 915 00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:26,520 and for irrigation and things like that. 916 00:41:26,520 --> 00:41:29,560 Treated sewage is getting popular, actually, around the world, 917 00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:30,920 so that seems a helpful thing. 918 00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:33,320 - But you ought to try. Why don't you try... - No, thanks! 919 00:41:33,320 --> 00:41:35,280 LAUGHTER No, I won't let you try the sewage, 920 00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:38,040 try the ultrapure. Cos it's not going to kill you, one sip, 921 00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:40,120 - just see if it is noticeably pure. - All right. 922 00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:41,160 Hm. 923 00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:44,160 ALAN BURPS 924 00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:45,920 LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH 925 00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:47,520 - SUE: - Oh, my kidneys! 926 00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:48,920 LAUGHTER 927 00:41:48,920 --> 00:41:51,440 - It's good. - I've messed up on this. - You can, yeah. 928 00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:54,880 I would say it does taste like water, but a little bit more boring. 929 00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:58,760 - LAUGHTER It's brilliant. - Maybe I'm just imposing that on it. 930 00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:01,880 - No, you might be... - It's not got that chlorine high note, has it? 931 00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:04,360 I don't expect a party in my mouth 932 00:42:04,360 --> 00:42:06,320 - with water, but... - LAUGHTER 933 00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:09,920 ..that was like a party in my mouth but with a statistical provocateur. 934 00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:11,840 LAUGHTER 935 00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:13,600 Well, I've got treated sewage in this - 936 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:17,280 and I wouldn't ask you to cos you might not want to but I'm going to have a... 937 00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:19,280 Oh, Jeez. LAUGHTER 938 00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:20,920 Does it pong? 939 00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:25,680 It's shitty but it's pissy as well. 940 00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:27,000 LAUGHTER 941 00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:29,360 Oh, you've put me right off. 942 00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:33,120 "That's lovely!" 943 00:42:33,120 --> 00:42:36,920 It's tap water. We couldn't get any treated sewage - we asked for it, 944 00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:39,960 I said I was up for drinking it but that's just tap water. 945 00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:43,760 - So it's only been through... nine people. - LAUGHTER 946 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:48,760 So, drinking pure water can kill you. You're much better off draining a glass of processed sewage. 947 00:42:48,760 --> 00:42:50,080 Good health to you all. 948 00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:54,440 And all that's left now are the scores. 949 00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:55,960 Oh, my gracious goodness... 950 00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:57,560 - Crash! - ..heavenly me. 951 00:42:57,560 --> 00:42:59,680 In last place, I'm afraid... 952 00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:01,480 but she probably knows it, 953 00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:04,120 by the fact that I've used a feminine pronoun... 954 00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:05,520 LAUGHTER 955 00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:09,160 ..it's Sue Perkins! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 956 00:43:10,280 --> 00:43:11,800 WHISTLING 957 00:43:14,240 --> 00:43:16,960 Fighting manfully into third place, 958 00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:18,280 Alan Davies! 959 00:43:18,280 --> 00:43:21,280 - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Thank you very much. 960 00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:28,800 In second place, a magnificent debut from Sami Shah! 961 00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:30,480 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 962 00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:37,600 Which can only mean that our clear winner, with minus four, 963 00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:40,440 is David Mitchell! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 964 00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:42,760 JINGLE PLAYS 965 00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:51,280 And that's all from Sami, Sue, David, Alan and me. 966 00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:54,560 Goodnight. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING