1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:13,040 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:36,160 APPLAUSE 3 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,760 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:42,160 good evening, good evening - and welcome to QI. 5 00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:47,360 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate Marriage and Mating. 6 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:51,320 To help me tie the knot, I've brought along a few mates - 7 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:55,880 the ministerial Bill Bailey... APPLAUSE 8 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,640 ..the matchmaking Greg Davies... APPLAUSE 9 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:09,360 ..the Maid of Honour, Jo Brand... APPLAUSE 10 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,880 Maid of Honour? 11 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:16,200 ..and the "Must We Really Invite Him?" Alan Davies. 12 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:17,880 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:25,080 So, let's hear your mating calls. Bill goes... 14 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:27,360 TOAD CROAKS 15 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,960 You'll recognise that, Bill, being an animal man. 16 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:33,000 Oh, should I? Is that an animal? 17 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:36,120 - It's an amphibian. - I thought it was a... 18 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,440 Oh, it's a frog of some kind? 19 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,200 It's a marine toad. 20 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,600 LAUGHTER 21 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:46,400 And Jo goes... 22 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,280 MOOSE CALL 23 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:51,760 I do actually go like that. 24 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,120 Well, that was a moose. 25 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:57,680 And Greg goes... 26 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,000 MONKEY CHATTERS 27 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,000 It's been a few years since I did that. 28 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,720 - That is a spider monkey. - Of course it is. 29 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,960 - Two animals for the price of one. - Wonderful. 30 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,200 So, Alan goes... 31 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,840 - MALE ESSEX ACCENT: - 'Hello, darling, you all right?' 32 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,000 LAUGHTER 33 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:21,080 And that's the mating call of... Where do you come from, Alan, again? 34 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:22,600 - Essex. - Yeah. There we are. 35 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,720 And then you have sex, that's how it works. 36 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,640 LAUGHTER 37 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,160 Everybody wins. Fantastic. 38 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:33,960 But what's the recipe for a disastrous marriage? 39 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,960 MOOSE CALL Oh, Jo? 40 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,000 Dead vicar? 41 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,360 It would be, you're right. 42 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,080 MONKEY CHATTERS Yeah? 43 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:44,200 Live vicar, lovely couple, escaped Bengali tiger. 44 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,120 Yeah, that would be tricky. 45 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,800 You've painted a word picture, Greg, there. 46 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,880 Let's think first about budget. 47 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,280 The price of the wedding? 48 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:54,880 The price of the wedding, yeah. 49 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:58,000 Isn't it about 20 grand now? To get... 50 00:02:58,000 --> 00:02:59,560 Yeah, is that a good thing? 51 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,880 - I mean does that affect the long-term... - Oh, I see. 52 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:02,960 So the more you spend 53 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,800 doesn't necessarily mean you're going to have a happier marriage. 54 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,960 It's actually the more you spend, the shorter the marriage. 55 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,440 - Oh. - Yes. - Oh. - Really? 56 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,840 - Isn't that extraordinary? - It IS extraordinary. 57 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:15,160 Mine should be over in a couple of weeks. 58 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,320 LAUGHTER 59 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:18,640 Cost a bloody fortune. 60 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,520 It was economists at Emory University, Atlanta, who discovered this. 61 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,880 They found an inverse correlation between money spent 62 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,480 and how long it lasts. 63 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:33,000 Those who spent less than 1,000 - which is what, ?700? - 64 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,800 had divorce rates 53% below average, 65 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,800 while those who spent more than 20,000 - 66 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,520 you were talking about that as a sum - 67 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,960 had divorce rates 46% above average. 68 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,760 What about numbers who attend weddings? 69 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:47,560 Is that a similar inverse correlation? 70 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,880 The more who come, the shorter the marriage? 71 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,920 - I presume so, because of the cost factor. - Expense, yeah. 72 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,920 Oddly enough, the reverse is true. 73 00:03:54,920 --> 00:04:00,160 The more people who witness the wedding, the longer it lasts. 74 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:03,000 So you've got to have a cheap wedding with lots of people. 75 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,240 That seems to be the key. 76 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,560 This is Randy Olson, a PhD student at Michigan State. 77 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,720 He found that couples who marry in front of more than 200 people are 78 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:15,000 92% less likely to get divorced than those who only have a few witnesses. 79 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,920 - So really you want to get married in Selfridges on Christmas Eve. - Yes! 80 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:21,680 Or maybe, if you want to have it cheap and cheerful, 81 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:25,080 but lots of people, maybe somewhere like McDonald's, you might think. 82 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,040 In Hong Kong. 83 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:31,080 For 900, you can get 200 guests at a McDonald's. 84 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:35,440 - McDonald's Happy Marriage. - It's a Happy Marriage, yes! LAUGHTER 85 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,320 You get a two-hour venue rental, 86 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,560 you get 50 McDonaldland character gifts. 87 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,840 You get two McDonald balloon wedding rings. 88 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,080 Yeah, but how many burgers do you get? 89 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,000 LAUGHTER 90 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,480 Come on, give us that info, 91 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,720 I'm thinking about getting remarried there. 92 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,560 It's a very simple ceremony, isn't it? 93 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,520 You point to the bride, "Do you love it?" "I'm loving it." 94 00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:00,160 - "All right..." - APPLAUSE 95 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:06,640 It's all over in five minutes. 96 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,440 Yeah. Put a ring on it. 97 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,840 Yeah, that's right. Oh, onions, lovely, put a ring on it. 98 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:12,240 Onion rings. 99 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:15,360 If you love it, put an onion ring on it. 100 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:19,000 Randy Olson from Michigan State, who discovered that we should be... 101 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,640 I can't get a picture of an erection 102 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,560 - with an onion ring on it out of my head. - Oh! 103 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,960 LAUGHTER 104 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,960 - I get that. - How do you get a thought out of your head? 105 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,040 What, like onion ring quoits? 106 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,480 LAUGHTER 107 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,960 I used to do a bit of stand-up about this thing that I found... 108 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,840 - About onion rings? - That sounds great. - That sounds brilliant. 109 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:44,880 What it was, we were doing a secret Santa, right, 110 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,120 and it was a ?10 limit. 111 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:50,840 And I went in... There was quite a good adult shop on the Essex Road, 112 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:54,720 and for under ?10 the only thing they offered was anal hoopla. 113 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,440 LAUGHTER 114 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,800 Anal hoopla consists of a stick, 115 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,400 - which goes, guess where... - Oh, yeah. 116 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:06,600 - And three hoops. - LAUGHTER 117 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,160 That's...that's the actual game. 118 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:13,200 It's an ice breaker. It's an ice breaker. 119 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,720 - If things have gone a bit flat, you know, in the bedroom area. - Come on! 120 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:21,360 - I mean, the tone of this show is SO difficult to get right. - I'm sorry! 121 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,520 I'm just... I'm recalibrating. 122 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:29,320 - All this anal hoopla. - Who would have predicted anal hoopla? 123 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:32,840 On the front of it, on the front of the packet is a cartoon drawing, 124 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:34,760 a bit like a saucy postcard. 125 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,120 Two people playing, 126 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:38,520 as if they couldn't get anyone to actually demo it. 127 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,720 - Oh, my goodness, yeah. - I dare say it doesn't work. 128 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:43,720 Where was this for sale? At the ARSE-nal football ground? 129 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:45,240 Wahey! 130 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:48,120 BILL SHOUTS GIBBERISH 131 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,760 - Thank you. - That's Klingon for, "Anal hoopla?" 132 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,040 LAUGHTER 133 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:59,240 SHOUTS GIBBERISH AGAIN 134 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,280 "No, thanks." 135 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,320 "Let's play Scrabble." 136 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:09,760 Now, what's the longest anyone has ever gone without sex? 137 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:12,840 I went for a whole panel show once, but I... 138 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:15,840 It's not over yet, Greg. 139 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:17,760 I can't see that happening again. 140 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,320 A bit of hoopla? You know... 141 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:26,600 I just think you get to a certain age and you're up for new experiences, Bill. 142 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,840 - Yeah, go on. - MONKEY CHATTERS 143 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:34,240 That's it, once you've been with a beardy, you never go back. 144 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,800 I don't know. Is it human? Are you talking humans here? 145 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,880 - No, we're not talking humans. - Of course not. 146 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,960 Something buried in the ground, like a lungfish for something. 147 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,440 - Is a tortoise? - Yeah. - I'm just trying to think of things 148 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:47,720 that live for a long time that could not have sex. 149 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,920 - Trees. - HE MOUTHS 150 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:52,840 - Well, no. - I beg your pardon? - I wasn't doing an impression of you. 151 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,680 - It's like... - I didn't think you were. But now I do. 152 00:07:56,680 --> 00:08:01,120 No, I had an aunt who couldn't say, "...ex", like that. "...ex". 153 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,760 I love aunts like that. A friend of mine, 154 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:07,440 his aunt was in hospital having an operation on her leg, 155 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:11,080 and the surgeon came round to check how it was and she said to him, 156 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:14,720 "It's the first time I've had my legs together for years." 157 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,520 - Of course everyone around the bed went... - SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER 158 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:20,720 Like that, and she had no idea what we were talking about. 159 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,600 Yes, but this is an animal. 160 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:27,240 What it is about is, when we say species have sex, 161 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,520 what do we mean by that? 162 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:30,720 - Actually... - Conjoin. - Conjoin. 163 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,560 Yeah. We're going back hundreds of millions of years. 164 00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,200 Dinosaurs. 165 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,560 - Yes, we're going back to that. - Shrews! Shrews! 166 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,920 We're under the sea. The first animal known to have sex... 167 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,240 - Barnacle. - No. 168 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:47,400 The first species to do it was a fish called Microbrachius dicki. 169 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,320 - Come on. - JO: - Microbrachius what? 170 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:56,360 - Dicki. - Dicki. - D-I-C-K-I. 171 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,600 - The old dicki. - The old dicki. 172 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,080 Microbrachius means small arms. Small arms dick. 173 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:03,640 - Small arms dick. - Dick small arms. - OK. 174 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:05,440 Dicky small arms. 175 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,320 The Microbrachius dicki, 176 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:12,680 380 million years ago was the first creature that we 177 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:16,960 know of to engage in internal organ sex. 178 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,840 - Penetrative. - Yes, penetrative, exactly. 179 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:22,680 Fortunately, it kept a diary. 180 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,560 They had bony protrusions running down both sides of their bodies, 181 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:31,000 and during copulation the male's bony bits stuck to the female's 182 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,120 like Velcro, which held them together. 183 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,680 - Aw. It looks quite sweet, though. - So, they had sex sideways. 184 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,400 But it didn't really catch on. 185 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:43,280 And the species' descendants then evolved to stop having sex. 186 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:49,320 No creature attempted to have internal sex again for between 187 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,120 20 and 40 million years, as far as we know. 188 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,600 I'm not sure how evolution works. 189 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,160 Will it have been one of these fish who just suddenly went, 190 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,880 "I think I'm going to try this today"? 191 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:04,480 Maybe it started with the lady one laying the eggs 192 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,440 and the man one fertilising the eggs, 193 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:11,120 and then one day he saw the eggs coming out and he decided to get ahead of the game. 194 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,840 To beat the others. I think you're probably right. 195 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:17,200 And those that did that passed on their genes more successfully. 196 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,480 Until it got further and further inside. 197 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,360 It looks like they're wearing blindfolds. 198 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,200 It's a bit 50 Shades, isn't it? 199 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,080 "What's that? What that?" "It's my male claspers." 200 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,000 Looks like it's been superimposed on an ice lolly. 201 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:34,520 - Yeah, happy face. - Yeah. 202 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:40,360 Anyway, animals first had sex 380 million years ago, 203 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:43,080 then give it a rest for around 30 million years. 204 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:46,160 Who's still having sex? 205 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,920 - Not me. - Not me. 206 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:51,200 - I'll tell you what, these toads. - TOAD CROAKS 207 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,320 - They're begging for it. - Begging for it. 208 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,120 - But are they having it? - Are they having it? 209 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,240 Who's still having sex? 210 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:59,240 What, long-term? Some animals lock together for ages, don't they? 211 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,240 Are we still... are we in the animal kingdom? 212 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:03,480 Well, Alan, you're in absolutely the right area, 213 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,480 in as much as you've spotted our phrase, 214 00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:10,080 "Still having sex," as being having sex in a still position. 215 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,640 Ah! 216 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:15,800 So it is the species that most has to be utterly motionless 217 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,680 when having sex that we could discover. 218 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,040 Is it nuns? 219 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,160 LAUGHTER 220 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,160 It's not nuns. 221 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,520 Prehistoric nuns. 222 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,760 - It's a moth. - A moth? - It's a moth. It's a moth. 223 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:34,320 - And so... - There it is. - Oh, right. 224 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:38,320 There it is, beautiful, beautiful moth. It's the gold swift moth. 225 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,920 And it's at its most vulnerable when mating. 226 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,600 Because it might move and exhibit ecstasy. 227 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:47,240 So what it does instead is keep incredibly still, 228 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,240 so that the bat doesn't spot the twitch, any movement. 229 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:53,600 But it has a wonderful repertoire of positions... 230 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,000 (sexual positions.) 231 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,560 - (Why are we whispering?) - Unique amongst... 232 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:02,480 - Because we don't want to disturb it. Look, there they are. - OK. 233 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:06,000 Do you know what, you went all David Attenborough, then. 234 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,400 As though we were sort of... (just about to watch it.) 235 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,520 - I think Stephen's worried about being attacked by a bat. - I was. 236 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:18,520 AS ATTENBOROUGH: On the left there is the standard, facing position. 237 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,400 And in the middle, an extraordinary upside down... 238 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,200 See the tiny moth cock. 239 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,960 Mr Moth and Kate Moth... 240 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,520 LAUGHTER 241 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,920 - Wahey! - Thank you. 242 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:34,120 But they are a marvellous species, I think you'll agree. 243 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,880 Yeah, the gold swift moth, 244 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:39,200 it has to remain completely still when having sex. 245 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,080 Now for something completely different. 246 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:42,960 Who's still having sex? 247 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:50,040 The, erm, gold...fish moth? What was it called? 248 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,840 - God, dementia already. - The swift. - Gold swift moth. 249 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,320 - The gold swift. - Oh, the gold swift moth. 250 00:12:57,320 --> 00:12:59,120 JAUNTY TUNE 251 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,760 - Well done. You get points for remembering. - Oh. 252 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,360 We are so impressed, because it's very rare that anyone on QI 253 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,760 can remember the question that's just been asked. 254 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,640 Oh, I was so close, I said goldfish moth. 255 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:09,840 You were close. I know. 256 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,920 - Is this a new thing, then? Master Of Memory? - Yes, that's right. - Wow! 257 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:16,880 - Yeah, well done you. - Will we get some slightly easier ones, like our names? 258 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:22,120 - Because my memory's terrible. - Mine's terrible. - Yeah, really bad. 259 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,440 Such a fabulously middle-aged new feature. 260 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:25,640 - Isn't it?! - I love it. - I know. 261 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:26,960 Master of Memory! 262 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:31,520 Well done for remembering something seconds ago. 263 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,440 LAUGHTER 264 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:37,880 FRAIL VOICE: Is it Neville Chamberlain?' Anyway... 265 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:40,600 - IN POSH VOICE: - One of those rave parties. 266 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:42,320 LAUGHTER 267 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,680 So, what was the question? 268 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:48,240 - Eh? What? - Eh? What, what? - What was the question? 269 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,720 Who's still having sex? 270 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:51,880 Yes, well done. You remembered that, good. 271 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,720 - POSH ACCENT: - I like a bit of kedgeree in the morning... 272 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,880 LAUGHTER 273 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,080 So, it's another question, who's still having sex? 274 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,240 Is it anything to do with that lady in the picture? 275 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:04,200 - No, the picture, as always, is a complete distraction. - She's washed her smalls. 276 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,760 Oh, I suppose that's what it is. 277 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,960 Old ladies don't wear underwear like that. 278 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,840 That one does. 279 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,960 - I think they're her husband's. - Do you? 280 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,520 LAUGHTER 281 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,240 So, who's still having sex? 282 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,400 - It's a fetish. - A cult. - Another animal? 283 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,160 A fetish about having sex with things that are still. 284 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:22,640 - Oh, oh... - Oh, I see. - Statues? 285 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:24,240 - Yes. - Oh. 286 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,880 - Absolutely right. - Is it? - Really? - Yeah, yeah. 287 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:30,640 And what's the Greek myth of someone who fell in love with a statue? 288 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:33,240 - Oh, thing. - "Thing," yes. 289 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,920 - Can we do better? - What's it begin with? 290 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:36,720 - It begins with, well, the... - Pygmalion. 291 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,040 The sculpture begins with P, Pygmalion, exactly. 292 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:40,760 Pygmalion is the sculpture of... 293 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,800 - Yes! Memory, memory! - ONE PERSON APPLAUDS 294 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,040 Thank you. That one person. 295 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,400 - APPLAUSE - Well, no, but... 296 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:53,480 Pygmalion made a statue of Galatea and he fell in love with it. 297 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:57,240 And in the myth, the gods took pity and breathed life into her. 298 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,160 But it does seem to be a genuine passion people have. 299 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,720 Even in Greek times, the first recorded case, Pliny claimed... 300 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,560 - And we love Pliny, don't we? - Yeah. - Oh, yes, yes. 301 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:10,640 Pliny claimed that Praxiteles' naked statue of Aphrodite of Cnidus, 302 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,920 - which is the first naked female statue of that time... - Yes. 303 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,640 Apparently she had a permanent stain on her leg from where 304 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,720 a sailor got carried away. 305 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,000 - Wow. - Ugh. 306 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,440 What you might call seaman stains. AUDIENCE GROANS 307 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,560 Seaman stains, yeah, well, it's true. Quite literally. 308 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,720 But Cleisophus was a man who tried to make love to 309 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,200 a statue in the temple of Samos. 310 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,560 When he found the marble very, very cold, he changed his mind 311 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:37,840 and laid out a piece of meat on the floor and made love to that instead. 312 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,680 AUDIENCE GROANS 313 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,520 - It's an incredible jump to make, isn't it? - It is, a species... 314 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:46,840 "Oh, this statue's not working for me, get me down the butcher's." 315 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,920 It is a bit odd, isn't it? That would make... 316 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:53,480 But surely a statue is only a kind of less giving blow-up doll, 317 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:57,120 - really, isn't it? Don't you think? - This is a really good point, Jo, 318 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:58,640 because you've absolutely... 319 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,760 APPLAUSE 320 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,800 Yeah, thank you. 321 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,440 Sex psychiatrists have - 322 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,560 sexologists as they like to call themselves - were early on puzzled by 323 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:14,680 the fact that this particular fetish seemed to die away in the 1950s, 324 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:18,200 until they'd considered that maybe it was replaced by the love 325 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,200 of blow-up dolls, as they arrived on the market. 326 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,320 So it is, whatever that fetish is, that desire to... 327 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:27,200 I suppose it's to... so often the case, men's control, 328 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,040 power and all that sort of thing, 329 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:31,480 that you can control and have power over something that 330 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:34,120 - can't answer back, that is inanimate. - Well, I saw... - Yeah? 331 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:38,800 I saw a picture in the paper the other day of a very lifelike woman robot. 332 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,920 And I must admit thinking to myself, it's not going to be long. 333 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:43,680 - It isn't, is it? - No. 334 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,360 Wait a minute, that was Theresa May. 335 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,520 APPLAUSE 336 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,640 It was recognised as an illness until the mid-20th century 337 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,560 when it was dropped because no actual cases presented themselves. 338 00:16:58,560 --> 00:16:59,720 What was it called? 339 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:02,360 It was called agalmatophobia. 340 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:06,640 Sorry, -philia, rather. Phobia is the fear of things. 341 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:10,200 - What's that, sorry? - Agalmatophilia. - Philia. - Yes, agalmatophilia. 342 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,760 - The proclivity of having sex with statues. - Extraordinary word. 343 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:16,240 OK, agalmatophobia is the fear of having sex with statues. 344 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,200 - Yes. Well, the fear of statues. - Oh, I see. Right. 345 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:23,400 Now, who married Big-Mouthed Margaret? 346 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:24,440 Denis. 347 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,760 KLAXON BLARES 348 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,800 Oh, thank you. Thank you for that. 349 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,840 Well, how can you know Big-Mouthed Margaret? 350 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,960 Was it Tiny-Todger Tony? 351 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,640 LAUGHTER 352 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:46,720 If I said Muckle-Mou'ed Meg, would that help? 353 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:50,720 Muckle being big and mou'ed being mouthed, Meg being Margaret. 354 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,200 Is it Rabbie Burns? 355 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:56,240 Well, no, but, astonishingly, you're in the right area, 356 00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:00,120 in as much as it involves a very - probably after Robbie Burns - 357 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:03,080 - the most famous Scottish writer. - Wee Willie Winkie. 358 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:06,080 The most famous Scottish writer after Robbie Burns. 359 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,160 - Walter Scott? - Walter Scott, yes, brilliant. - Bloody hell! 360 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,800 APPLAUSE Really good. 361 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,920 - You're on fire. - I'm on fire! 362 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,080 You are on fire. 363 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,280 Yeah, and there you can see William Scott and the woman herself, 364 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:20,880 Muckle-Mou'ed Meg. 365 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:25,160 And William Scott was Walter Scott's great-great-grandfather, 366 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:28,400 and he stole some cattle off a man. 367 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:33,720 And he was sentenced to be hanged, or to marry the man's 368 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:37,480 incredibly, apparently, ugly daughter, Muckle-Mou'ed Meg. 369 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,520 - I know, it's... - What sort of a court was this? 370 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:44,160 And William Scott said, "I think I'll be hanged." 371 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,600 LAUGHTER 372 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,800 But at the very last minute he changed his mind and he married her. 373 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,640 And they had a very happy marriage. 374 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:55,000 And because of it, they had Walter Scott as a... 375 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,600 Even Robert Browning wrote a poem on it, because they all 376 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,600 worshipped Walter Scott in a way that we don't any more. 377 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,000 Jane Austen venerated him, 378 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,960 particularly the European writers, Balzac and others venerated him. 379 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:10,720 Yes, William Scott said, "I do," to Muckle-Mouthed Meg. 380 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,360 And it's a good thing he did, or we wouldn't have Sir Walter. 381 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:17,320 But who advised dissecting a woman before marrying one? 382 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,760 I think my husband said something similar, 383 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,760 when we were a bit pissed one night. 384 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,440 Some great, one of the Victorian... 385 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,120 He was a great, and he was 19th century. 386 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,880 Oddly enough, I've mentioned his name today. 387 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,960 He was a great writer. 388 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,720 - Walter Scott. - No. 389 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,080 - Balzac. - Honore de Balzac. 390 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,320 - Pliny. - Honore de Balzac is the right answer. 391 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,080 - I just said Balzac! I said Balzac! - No, he did just say that. He did. 392 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,960 - You didn't say the first name! - All right, calm down. There he is. 393 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,280 There he is, I'd know him anywhere! 394 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,000 Did his fiancee hang herself? 395 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,760 - Bless him. - Well, his fiancee stayed his fiancee 396 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:54,240 for a very, very long time. 397 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:57,640 He fell in love with a countess, who said, "You can't marry me 398 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,480 "until my husband dies," because she was already married. 399 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,160 And it took 17 years. 400 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,680 Eventually they got married. 401 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,080 Five months later, Balzac died. 402 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:07,160 So, he didn't get much use out of her, 403 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,480 if that's the right word. 404 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,360 - I don't think it is. - No. 405 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,760 He wrote a book in 1829 called The Physiology Of Marriage, 406 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,320 in which he said, "A man ought not to marry without having 407 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:21,000 "studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman." 408 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,840 - So, I mean a dead woman, he's not... - Oh, that's such a creepy suggestion. - It is a bit creepy. 409 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:28,360 I guess it's so he knows what's... the bits, where they all go. 410 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:31,080 - And where everything is. - Really? 411 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,520 No, I hand my mother a cup of tea without knowing 412 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,160 the workings of her hand. 413 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,840 - That's a very good point. - It's not very romantic, is it? - No. 414 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,520 - "Darling..." - Well, I don't want it to be, she's my mother. 415 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,640 LAUGHTER 416 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,160 There's a lot worse coming, which I'm not going to read you, 417 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:48,160 - because you'll never read Balzac again. - Ooh, great. - Oh, please. 418 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,080 He said that "A man should weaken the will 419 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:54,320 "and strength of a wife by tiring her out under the load of constant work, 420 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:58,080 "so that she has no energy left to cause trouble." 421 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,600 - He deserved a big spank, didn't he? - He was an early founder of Ukip. 422 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,320 LAUGHTER 423 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:08,240 And, very weirdly, he said, "Never allow her to drink water alone. 424 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:11,000 "If you do, you are lost." 425 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,000 I mean, it's interesting, within a few sentences, 426 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,520 he is clearly just a fucking nutter, isn't he? 427 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:18,760 - Yeah. - He's having a laugh, surely. 428 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:22,040 I'd find him hard to forgive if he wasn't such a looker. 429 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,120 LAUGHTER 430 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:26,720 Do you know the Rodin sculpture of him, which is fantastic? 431 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,920 It's one of the great works of art. 432 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,920 - I've rubbed against it. - Have you? - No! 433 00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:33,680 LAUGHTER 434 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:37,840 Balzac drank 50 cups of coffee a day. I don't know if that excuses him. 435 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:41,240 There's a cup of coffee, in case you didn't know what one looked like. 436 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:43,280 He drank 50 cups of coffee a day? 437 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,600 Yeah, and when he found that didn't quite hit the spot, 438 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,720 he then took to eating the grounds, coffee grounds. It was really weird. 439 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,760 Well, I'm amazed he was as coherent as he was. 440 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:56,080 If I drank 50 cups of coffee I'd be jumping off buildings. Incredible. 441 00:21:56,080 --> 00:22:01,040 Well, Beethoven always counted out exactly 60 coffee beans 442 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,960 for every cup he drank. 443 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,800 Kierkegaard, on the other hand, the philosopher, 444 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:09,280 had 50 different coffee cups. 445 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:13,720 Whenever he wanted a cup of coffee - I really want to kill him so much - 446 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:17,320 he instructed his secretary to select one of these cups 447 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:21,920 and provide a valid philosophical reason for doing so. 448 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,480 He sounds like a right knob. 449 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:30,680 - "Invalid. Invalid reason." - "No, no." - "Take it away." 450 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:35,040 Anyway, Balzac thought that you should dissect a woman before marrying one. 451 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,760 What do monkeys spend their money on? 452 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,520 It depends on the monkey, doesn't it? 453 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:44,160 Your macaque will spend it on cigarettes and drink. 454 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,120 Your mandrill, DIY. 455 00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:48,560 LAUGHTER Clever! 456 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,240 Very good. Man-drill. 457 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:59,800 - Surely the macaque would spend it on lavatory paper. - Of course! 458 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:04,640 Oh, we're going that way, are we? Oh, OK. I see. 459 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:05,880 Food, I bet this... 460 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:09,600 Is this going to be some sort of experiment where they got rewarded 461 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:12,680 with something and they had to take it somewhere to get something else? 462 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:15,480 - Like sort of a monkey thing? - Well, they actually were taught... 463 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,360 they were taught the principles of money, monetary exchange. 464 00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:19,760 They were given silver discs 465 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:22,920 and taught that they could exchange them for food. 466 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,040 These are capuchins. 467 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,400 So called because of their colours, the creamy top... 468 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:29,000 - They really do look at a camera lens, monkeys. - Those do, yeah. 469 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:32,280 - You see those shots of loads of monkeys all staring at a camera lens. - Yeah. 470 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,480 If you've noticed, there's one of them who's not looking at the camera lens. 471 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,280 LAUGHTER 472 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,600 Quite notably, yes. 473 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,600 Unless that monkey has had a very unfortunate accident with a camera. 474 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:52,120 Or he's looking for a game of anal hoopla. 475 00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:54,200 Why are capuchins called capuchins? 476 00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,400 - Isn't it something to do with... - Cappuccino. 477 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,680 Cappuccino? Because they're coffee-coloured? 478 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,840 Because they are the same colour as cappuccino, 479 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:02,840 cream colour at the top, dark at the bottom. 480 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:04,520 - But that's why... - Monks. 481 00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:06,760 That's right, it starts with the monks. 482 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:09,000 APPLAUSE 483 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,240 What is going on today? 484 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:15,720 Something's gone wrong with me, I tell you, because normally... 485 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:19,080 Capuchin monks have a cream-coloured cowl and dark habit. 486 00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:22,040 And so the coffee was named cappuccino, 487 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:25,760 - because it was creamy at the top and coffee below. - Oh! 488 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,480 And similarly, capuchin monkeys have that colouring. 489 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:32,480 It's impossible to take your eyes off that one, I want to. 490 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,840 I just imagine what's going on in his head. 491 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:37,240 It is so severely inspecting, isn't he? 492 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:40,400 "Mate, you've got a problem back here, seriously." 493 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,800 "Something's just crawled into your arse." 494 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,440 LAUGHTER 495 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,120 Researchers at Yale taught capuchin monkeys that in exchange 496 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:49,560 for a certain number of tokens, 497 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:54,720 they could buy a certain number of grapes or little cubes of jelly. 498 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:57,360 Once they grasped this, the extraordinary thing was, 499 00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:59,120 they really got the whole concept. 500 00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:03,080 One of the monkeys used their new currency to give to a female 501 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:04,600 to have sex with him - 502 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,320 essentially a prostitute. 503 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:10,480 And the female would then take the disc and buy herself a grape. 504 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,560 So the money had gone, you know, through the system, as money does. 505 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:18,760 But there is a separate piece of research in 2005 which involved macaques, 506 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:23,280 that showed that they pay to look at porn. 507 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:32,520 - It's true. - Wow. - But the extraordinary thing is, only classy porn. 508 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:33,920 - Oh, that's all right. - Yeah. 509 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,280 They forfeited their usual reward, 510 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:43,200 which was a glass of cherry juice, for pictures of the faces and bottoms 511 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:48,560 of what are known as high-ranking females within the troop of macaques. 512 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:53,720 But they wouldn't look at pictures of the bottoms and faces of 513 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,960 lower ranked females unless they were GIVEN a glass of juice. 514 00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:00,840 So, they would give up their juice to look at the porn of the higher ranking ones, 515 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:05,040 but they had to be paid in juice to look at the other ones. 516 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:07,920 It's extraordinary. They're monkeys. It is not a moral thing. 517 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,960 Again, I know I say this a lot, but who is funding this? 518 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:16,160 What kind of twisted... 519 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,160 - "Go on, give them money..." - HE LEERS 520 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:23,840 Anyway, what uses can you think of for a parachute on your wedding day? 521 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:26,200 Dress? 522 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:28,400 Yes! It's that simple. 523 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:31,440 APPLAUSE 524 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:33,400 You're running away with it. 525 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:35,120 Well, normally I'm thick as shit, 526 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:37,800 I can't really understand what's going on. Anyway. 527 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:40,960 It was particularly in World War II, and parachutes were made out of...? 528 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,880 - AUDIENCE: - Silk. - BILL: - Silk, yes. 529 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,800 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, exactly. 530 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,800 And any spare, or ones that were found in fields, 531 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:52,200 were grabbed by grateful people to turn into wedding dresses. 532 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,840 There was a village in 1941 where a German soldier 533 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:57,520 landed in his parachute and he... 534 00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:00,400 Didn't have a swastika on it, did it? 535 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:02,640 No, no, fortunately not! Or if it did... 536 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:06,320 ALAN SINGS THE WEDDING MARCH 537 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,320 "I say, she's got a bloody swastika!" 538 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,200 LAUGHTER 539 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,040 "I think that's in very bad taste." 540 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:19,640 Even if they were, it was great, because that village 541 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:22,280 turned them into bloomers, you known, into long knickers. 542 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,240 Oh, that's all right, to have a swastika on your bloomers, though. 543 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:29,560 - Well, no-one would see. - I think it's positively encouraged, actually. 544 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:32,120 "There's something you don't know about me..." 545 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:34,000 LAUGHTER 546 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:38,800 But there you see a wedding dress, 547 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:44,600 and the majority of wedding dresses were not white until after the war. 548 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,960 White was a more common colour than any other, 549 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,920 but it still wasn't the majority. 550 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:53,040 Jane Austen's mother wore a bright red dress, for example. 551 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,600 And Queen Victoria had a white wedding dress, 552 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:59,720 and that was quite a sort of fashion statement that people copied. 553 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,040 But things didn't get really white 554 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,640 until the age of the washing machine and things like that. 555 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:07,000 Right, it was a luxury, afforded by the rich. 556 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:10,440 And even in the '50s, people expected to wear their wedding dress 557 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,480 again, it wasn't a one-off thing, as it is now. 558 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:15,240 But I'll tell you an interesting thing about Queen Victoria. 559 00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:16,360 - Yeah? - Yeah. 560 00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:19,400 When she died, towards the end of her life... 561 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,400 LAUGHTER 562 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:23,920 - No, it's gossip and I feel guilty about telling you. - Go on. 563 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:26,160 She won't find out. 564 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,800 She was wider than she was tall. 565 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:30,720 - Really? - So? 566 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:32,840 APPLAUSE 567 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:40,400 - I wore my wedding dress again, actually. - Did you? 568 00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:43,440 Yeah. I went to a fancy dress party as Alaska. 569 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:45,800 - LAUGHTER - Anyway... 570 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:48,280 Tell us about...more about old... 571 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:50,960 She was 59 inches tall, 572 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:55,000 - and she was 66 inches wide. - Wow! - Bless her. - Really? - Yes. 573 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:58,880 - But wide or in circumference? - In circumference. - Yeah, I was going to say. - Sorry, not wide. 574 00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:02,960 - She can't possibly have been... - No, no. Sorry. LAUGHTER 575 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:05,160 That's circumference. Yeah. 576 00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:07,320 - I don't mean width, but I mean... - "Here she comes." 577 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:09,000 All the way round was 66. 578 00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:12,520 - "We're going to have to knock through." - Yeah. 579 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:14,520 Can't get through any of the doors. 580 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:18,280 And that's how the Victoria Line was started. 581 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:21,520 She needs a pew of her own. 582 00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:26,200 The Albert Hall was just a cast of her body. 583 00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:30,840 This is her bust size, I'm talking about. 66. 584 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:33,280 - Wow! - 66 bust? - Yeah. - Crikey! - Good Lord! 585 00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:36,760 - She was very short. - Oo-hee, there's some lovin' there. 586 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:39,840 Her bloomers were sold, quite recently, for over ?6,000. 587 00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:43,200 Must have been an enormous swastika on there. 588 00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:45,920 - Almost certainly a swastika. - What do you think their waist was? 589 00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:48,120 Bloomers start at the waist, they're like pants... 590 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,000 - 80 inches. - Well... - XXXL. 591 00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:54,360 Yeah, they were XXX... There were lots of Xs, 56 inch waist. 592 00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:57,720 - 56. - 56. - I'm so sorry. I got it all wrong. It's 52. - 52. 593 00:29:57,720 --> 00:29:59,560 I completely exaggerated. 594 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:01,800 - And she was what, how tall? - 4'11". 595 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,000 - 59 inches. - 4'11". Aw. - Bless her heart. 596 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:08,200 - A tiny, little Queen. - Yes, she was! 597 00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:12,120 So, what uses can you think of for a half-naked Frenchman 598 00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:13,640 on your wedding night? 599 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,840 If it was the other half, hoopla. 600 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:24,520 IN FRENCH ACCENT: There is an half-naked Frenchman. That is Gerard Depardieu. 601 00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:27,640 He is about three times that size now, he is enormous. 602 00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:29,880 He's gone all Victoria, hasn't he? 603 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:32,280 He is a little bit tubbier than that now, it must be said. 604 00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:34,360 It is not actually a question about Depardieu, 605 00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:36,880 it is a question about an half-naked Frenchman. 606 00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:38,440 So, what are we talking about? 607 00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:41,680 Would you use him to give you a bit of a run out, first, as it were? 608 00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:43,480 Practice? 609 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:47,160 We're going back in this case to the 16th century, and we're thinking 610 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:52,920 about how a marriage can be shown to work, especially in royal circles. 611 00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:56,760 - Le droit du seigneur? - No, it's not that, that's one thing, but... 612 00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:58,600 Not the old blood on the sheet routine? 613 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:01,480 Well, the blood on the sheet demonstrates what? 614 00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:04,280 - Consummation. - Consummation. And without consummation, 615 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,600 a marriage is considered invalid, ultimately. 616 00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:10,000 - Without consomme... - Yeah, without consomme. 617 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:12,920 - So, if the man has not done his duty by the woman... - Done the biz. 618 00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:14,280 Henry VIII again. 619 00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:17,520 Well, exactly, and precisely, we are talking about Henry VIII's family. 620 00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:20,320 But it doesn't have to be on the first night, does it? 621 00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:22,680 It doesn't have to be the first night, 622 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:25,920 - but the first night gets it all out of the way. - Fair dos. 623 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:27,880 So, we are in royal circles here. 624 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:29,200 You mentioned Henry VIII, 625 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:31,600 and we're actually in the world of Henry VIII's sister. 626 00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:33,440 She was a Tudor, and her name was Mary, 627 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:37,160 but she is not to be confused with Mary Tudor who was Henry's daughter, 628 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,880 or Bloody Mary, as she was also known. 629 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:43,200 There she is. She married Louis XII of France. 630 00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:46,600 Louis XII had better things to do on the wedding night, 631 00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:49,520 so Mary went into the bedroom, she took off her clothes, 632 00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:54,680 and the Duc de Longueville pulled off his hose and his doublet 633 00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:57,800 and he laid a bare leg and thigh 634 00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:01,400 on the bed till it touched hers under the covers. 635 00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:02,840 HE YELPS 636 00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:07,520 All the people there - there was a crowd - applauded. HE APPLAUDS 637 00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:11,440 And that was consummation. Even though it wasn't even the husband. 638 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:13,920 That's how mad the period was. 639 00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:17,560 - He was proxy. - Ah, I see. - So that was a gig, then? 640 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:19,800 You could get that as a gig, to touch legs? 641 00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:24,200 Being the proxy? Yeah. The leg toucher. Leg toucher to royal brides. 642 00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:28,960 Yeah. You'd be in the taverns, "Yeah, I'm leg toucher to the Royals, yeah". 643 00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,720 - "I've touched them all, you know." - "Touched them all." 644 00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:34,760 I think they had to check them medically before they were 645 00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:39,440 allowed to do it, though, to make sure they didn't have any venereal disease, 646 00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:44,880 - cos they didn't want a poxy proxy. - APPLAUSE 647 00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:47,040 Thank you. 648 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:52,160 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 649 00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:53,800 Like after a walk on a windswept cliff, 650 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:56,960 but there was a beautiful cake at the end of it. 651 00:32:56,960 --> 00:33:00,920 Yes, Mary Tudor got a bit of a leg over, but it wasn't her husband's. 652 00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:05,320 Now it's time to enrol in the dreaded school of General Ignorance. 653 00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,880 Describe the sex chromosomes of the Queen. 654 00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:11,640 Xs and Ys. Ys. Two Ys? 655 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:15,000 - Erm... - An X and a Y. 656 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:16,160 TOAD CROAKS 657 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:18,240 One doesn't have chromosomes. 658 00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:21,720 One has a chromosome proxy, you know. 659 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:26,680 - Well, you've just given me very seriously male chromosomes. - Right. 660 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:30,320 - I was having a go, though, wasn't I? I was trying. - You were. 661 00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:32,040 I'm under pressure up here. 662 00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:35,040 - You've actually done rather well. - Have I? - Yeah. 663 00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:39,240 Generally speaking, human beings have how many pairs of chromosomes? 664 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:43,080 - One? Two? - We have 23, which is not as many as a potato. 665 00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:49,120 We have 23 pairs, and one of those pairs determines our sex, gender. 666 00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:53,760 - And if you are a female you're... - XX. - XX. 667 00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:56,040 - And if you're male... - XY. - XY. 668 00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:58,400 - And there are variations... - I thought it was YY. 669 00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:00,600 ..but generally speaking, we've got the Y. 670 00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:03,600 If you've got YY, what are you, then? 671 00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:05,360 Boy George. 672 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:07,320 LAUGHTER 673 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:13,200 - But the Queen has given birth to males. - And does that change you? 674 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:16,320 There is a little bit of two-way going on in the womb, 675 00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:19,960 up and down the placenta, as it were, and that is that if you have a male 676 00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:23,960 child inside you, it has XY chromosomes, of course, and a little 677 00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:28,120 bit of that XY chromosome will lodge inside the mother and stay there. 678 00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:32,280 A 93-year-old woman recently was found to have the XY 679 00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:37,760 chromosome in her head from a male child she had had decades ago. 680 00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:44,000 - Oh! - So the Queen will have, having had three male children, namely... 681 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:45,200 Er... 682 00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:49,760 - She's had Charles, Andrew and Edward. - That's right, very good. 683 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:51,680 Lucky, Lucky and Lucky. 684 00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:57,320 And somewhere there will be remnants of the XY chromosomes. 685 00:34:57,320 --> 00:35:00,200 Makes you more likely to like football. 686 00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:02,960 Prince Philip was in a school, children were showing him, 687 00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:06,560 saying if you inspect the genes you can tell the gender, 688 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,960 and Prince Philip said, "Can't you just pull them down?" 689 00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:17,080 Ah, bless him. Here's a card, isn't he? 690 00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:19,760 Totally. Here is an easy one. 691 00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:23,600 How many legally recognised political parties are there in China? 692 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:25,520 MONKEY CHATTERS 693 00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:27,480 - Yes, Greg? - One. 694 00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:30,960 KLAXON BLARES 695 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:33,400 - Oh, dear. - No, it's not one. - None. 696 00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:35,880 Ah, you see, you've played this game a lot. 697 00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:37,640 You think you can... No. 698 00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:40,200 LAUGHTER 699 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:43,480 - Two. - KLAXON BLARES 700 00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:47,400 We could have fun here, couldn't we? 701 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:49,680 There are actually eight other parties other than 702 00:35:49,680 --> 00:35:52,720 the Communist Party. Isn't that extraordinary? 703 00:35:52,720 --> 00:35:56,000 They are a multiparty state. There they all are. 704 00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:57,480 Day release from prison. 705 00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:05,160 So, what is the maximum number of children allowed in every family in China? 706 00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:08,240 - Oh... - Ah... - Ah! 707 00:36:08,240 --> 00:36:11,440 - Hold on. - Who is going to go? Do it, do it! 708 00:36:11,440 --> 00:36:13,880 TOAD CROAKS 709 00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:17,120 - Have a plump. One. - KLAXON BLARES 710 00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:22,560 - They had a policy. - They did have a policy. 711 00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:24,400 But it was never all the people of China, 712 00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:26,320 all the families of China who were affected. 713 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:31,280 For example, if you were an ethnic minority it didn't apply to you. 714 00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:34,880 Ethnic minority meant anyone who wasn't Han Chinese. 715 00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:38,800 36% of the population were subject to a one child rule, 716 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:41,000 but never the whole of China. 717 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:44,760 The average number of children a Chinese woman bears is 1.4. 718 00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:47,000 - That's weird, isn't it? - HE CHUCKLES 719 00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:49,160 What do you think it is in Britain? 720 00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:50,680 I thought it was 2.4 children? 721 00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:53,640 1.7. 1.8. 722 00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:56,000 - 1.9. - 1.9. - You were nearly there. 723 00:36:56,000 --> 00:37:01,240 And I'd be very impressed if you knew the country in the world with the highest birth rate. 724 00:37:01,240 --> 00:37:05,640 This country is in anagram of what Queen Elizabeth does. 725 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,960 - Niger. - Yes! 726 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:10,120 Wow! Very quick. 727 00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:16,200 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 728 00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:20,040 - Did he just ask you what she had for breakfast? - Yes. 729 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:22,160 Because I want to know what combination of things 730 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:25,120 she's had that make her brain work so well today. 731 00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:29,600 Yes, the Queen reigns, and it is Niger. "Niger". Seven is the average. 732 00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:33,280 - Good Lord. - Quite a burden for a woman in Niger. 733 00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:36,040 Now, name a monogamous bird? 734 00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:38,160 - Me. - LAUGHTER 735 00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:40,080 Swan. 736 00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:41,640 KLAXON BLARES 737 00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:44,480 Sorry, we just had to get you there. 738 00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:45,960 - MAN IN AUDIENCE: - Penguin. 739 00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:49,000 Penguin. Penguin from the audience. 740 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:51,600 Oh, does the audience want one? KLAXON BLARES 741 00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:54,880 APPLAUSE 742 00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:57,040 - That's what happens... - We've got a dumb audience. 743 00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:59,200 - Yeah, you see. - Not so clever now! 744 00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:02,040 LAUGHTER 745 00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:03,360 - ANOTHER MAN: - Magpie. 746 00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:04,960 No, it's a nun, it's a nun. 747 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:08,400 APPLAUSE 748 00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:10,360 Almost no birds are monogamous, 749 00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:14,160 even ones that are thought of as monogamous are not truly monogamous. 750 00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:16,720 They misbehave. They cheat. 751 00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:19,440 I mean, the only one we've come up with is the black vulture. 752 00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:22,240 - Where you do genetic tests... - Nobody... - Nobody will have him. - No. 753 00:38:22,240 --> 00:38:24,280 Ugh! 754 00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:26,320 A proud, handsome fellow. 755 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:30,360 - Or girl. - He is monogamous? - He is, yeah. - Not by choice. - Yeah. 756 00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:32,240 LAUGHTER 757 00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:35,240 No infidelity is found by DNA testing, 758 00:38:35,240 --> 00:38:37,040 whereas in almost all the other birds... 759 00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:40,520 Ducks are... They're dirty sods, aren't they? 760 00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:44,520 Swans have also...black swans in particular - one in six cygnets is 761 00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:48,600 the result of extra-pair copulation, what we would call extra-marital. 762 00:38:48,600 --> 00:38:50,040 - Yes. - Despite the love hearts 763 00:38:50,040 --> 00:38:52,520 and the beautiful romantic shape that they make. 764 00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:55,680 Other orders or classes of animal that are genuinely monogamous, 765 00:38:55,680 --> 00:39:00,000 apart from black vultures, are the flatworm Diplozoon paradoxum. 766 00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:02,520 When a male meets a female, they actually fuse together, 767 00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:05,040 so they don't really have any choice in the matter. 768 00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:07,800 So they remain faithful till death. 769 00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:09,240 And voles. 770 00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:11,560 - That's very sweet. Look at that. - Aw! 771 00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:12,880 How can you not love a vole? 772 00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:15,800 Everything eats them as well, it's such a shame for them. Yeah. 773 00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:21,400 - Owls in particular. - Yeah. - An owl can hear the heartbeat of a vole or... 774 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:25,000 - Or a shrew. - ..or something, from, when it's four feet underground, 775 00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:27,240 - when it's flying overhead. - I know, it's amazing. 776 00:39:27,240 --> 00:39:29,320 And they've got their concave face, the owls, 777 00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:32,760 it's like an echo chamber, and they can hear the heartbeat underground. 778 00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:36,840 - Isn't that amazing? They say they can, anyway. - Yeah. 779 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:38,800 "Yes, I heard it underground. Hmm." 780 00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,600 I was like that when I had my ears waxed 781 00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:44,120 and it was like that, you know, coming out of the surgery. 782 00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:47,760 "Oh, my God, I can hear a vole four miles away!" 783 00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:52,280 I saw an owl flying for the first time in my life this year. 784 00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:54,200 - And they make no noise at all, do they? - No. 785 00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:56,280 - And apparently they're really thick. - Are they? 786 00:39:56,280 --> 00:40:00,280 - They're not as wise as people have been going on about, are they? - No, apparently not. 787 00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:03,400 Barn owls are really stupid, they don't even know where they live. 788 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:05,760 They have to have the habitat built into the name. 789 00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:11,000 "Where do I live? Barn, barn! That's it. Oh, yes." 790 00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:13,960 LAUGHTER 791 00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:16,120 Well, voles are monogamous and charming 792 00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:19,040 and indeed their names are an anagram of? 793 00:40:19,040 --> 00:40:22,200 - Love. - Yes. Isn't that nice? 794 00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:26,440 Well, many supposedly monogamous birds have a little tit on the side. 795 00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:32,400 Who can marry you at sea? 796 00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:33,840 The captain of the ship. 797 00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:35,600 KLAXON BLARES 798 00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:43,040 A vicar who happened to be on the ship. 799 00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:45,120 Ship's entertainer? 800 00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:46,480 No. No, I don't think so. 801 00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:50,640 That would be great, wouldn't it? "Des O'Connor's marrying you." 802 00:40:50,640 --> 00:40:54,200 The thing is, a ship's captain can't, and never has been able to. 803 00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:56,480 - It's a total myth. - Oh. - Where's that come from, then? 804 00:40:56,480 --> 00:40:57,720 Why do I know that to be true? 805 00:40:57,720 --> 00:41:00,240 It seems to come from films, you know, all kinds of things. 806 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:02,560 The Amorous Adventures of Moll Flanders, it happens. 807 00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:05,240 - Look, Bill, there's your pipe character made flesh. - Oh, yes. 808 00:41:05,240 --> 00:41:07,440 - Oh, yes. It is, yeah. - Look at that moustache. 809 00:41:07,440 --> 00:41:08,840 "Good God! 810 00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:12,760 "I can't marry you, but I'm going to have a bloody good go." 811 00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:14,920 LAUGHTER 812 00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:19,520 "The things I can do with this moustache, 813 00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:21,920 - "you wouldn't believe, madam." - "Extraordinary." 814 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:25,520 "Ooh, oooh!" 815 00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:29,680 "You can actually play hoopla with this moustache." 816 00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:31,880 "And once I bring the pipe into play... 817 00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:35,200 "..you'll be begging for mercy." 818 00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:37,480 "Ooh, ho-ah!" 819 00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:41,280 The only country we could find where it is true that the captain 820 00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:43,360 - can marry is Japan. - Japan. - Yeah. 821 00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:46,000 But the couple has to be Japanese, as well. 822 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:48,840 - The captain can if the couple is Japanese. - All right. 823 00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:52,000 He's punching above his weight, that fella, isn't he? Blimey. 824 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:55,040 Aren't they the ones that were in McDonald's earlier? 825 00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:56,600 I think they do look like it, 826 00:41:56,600 --> 00:41:58,600 we may have just put the different backdrop on. 827 00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:02,920 - I think you have. - The horrible truth. I think it's right, yeah. 828 00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:06,320 A ship's captain is no more qualified to marry you than I am. 829 00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:09,440 So, to the scores. Oh, my actual. 830 00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:13,000 Well, in first place, the blindingly, anagrammatically, 831 00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:15,920 factually gifted Jo Brand with seven points! 832 00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:18,840 APPLAUSE 833 00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:20,720 Well done, Jo. 834 00:42:20,720 --> 00:42:23,560 Plus 7, that's a rare plus. 835 00:42:23,560 --> 00:42:28,520 In second place, what a debut, with minus 4, it's Greg. 836 00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:31,920 Well done, Greg Davies. APPLAUSE 837 00:42:34,040 --> 00:42:37,880 In third place, with a mighty minus 13, is Bill Bailey. 838 00:42:37,880 --> 00:42:40,360 APPLAUSE 839 00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:45,040 But never knowingly out-hopelessed, 840 00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:47,280 with minus 32, is Alan Davies. 841 00:42:47,280 --> 00:42:49,800 APPLAUSE 842 00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:57,800 It only remains for me to thank Greg, Bill, Jo and Alan. 843 00:42:57,800 --> 00:43:01,240 And I leave you with this wise old adage off a bumper sticker. 844 00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:02,880 "Marriage is like a hurricane, 845 00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:05,240 "it starts with all that sucking and blowing, 846 00:43:05,240 --> 00:43:07,120 "and, in the end, you lose your house." 847 00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:09,680 Goodnight. APPLAUSE