1 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:14,480 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:35,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,360 Good evening! 4 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:41,800 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 5 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:46,200 and welcome to QI, for the middle show of the M series, 6 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,480 which is in the middle of the alphabet, 7 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:53,360 where our theme is, well, not so much middle as muddle, to be honest. 8 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:56,240 But we have the magnificent Aisling Bea. 9 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:59,960 CHEERING 10 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,720 The mighty Danny Bhoy. 11 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,280 CHEERING 12 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:08,000 The magnetic Jimmy Carr. 13 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,760 CHEERING 14 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:14,120 And the miscellaneous Alan Davies. 15 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,240 CHEERING 16 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:22,320 And their buzzers are merrily multifarious. 17 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:23,600 Aisling goes... 18 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,800 - CHILD: - # Here we go round the mulberry bush 19 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:28,800 # The mulberry bush The mulberry bush. # 20 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,040 Danny goes... 21 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,680 - CHILD: - # This old man, he played one 22 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,520 # He played knick knack on my drum. # 23 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:36,560 Jimmy goes... 24 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:39,920 - CHILDREN: - # Three blind mice 25 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,200 # Three blind mice. # 26 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:45,520 It's like the soundtrack of a horror film. 27 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:46,920 And Alan goes... 28 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,400 - CHILD: - # My Bonnie lies over... # 29 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,920 - BANG ON DOOR - Will you go to bed?! 30 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:51,600 DOOR SLAMS 31 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:54,080 - Was that a gunshot? - I don't know. 32 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,640 The bit at the end, yes. 33 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:58,880 Well, the best place to start, I always think, is in the middle. 34 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:02,920 How do you know when a chimpanzee is having a midlife crisis? 35 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,720 Does it get a Chinese tattoo? 36 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,800 - Just on the back of his neck there. - A motorbike. 37 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:11,880 A motorbike? 38 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:13,520 KLAXON BLARES 39 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,360 APPLAUSE 40 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,560 Where does the phrase "midlife crisis" come from? 41 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,680 How long has it been in the language, do you think? 42 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,920 Do you think the Victorians used it? Do you think...? 43 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,160 - I bet it's more recent. I bet it's like a '50s... - Yeah. 44 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:34,240 Cos it was about buying sports cars and doing those kind of crazy... 45 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,720 divorcing your wife and going out with someone of 22. 46 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,360 It was actually 1965 47 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:42,280 that a psychologist decided on this midlife crisis. 48 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:45,440 He thought that only geniuses got a midlife crisis. 49 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:46,480 He used the phrase, 50 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:49,200 but he said it was something that happened to geniuses. 51 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:52,280 - But we... - It's not only us. It's not only us. 52 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:53,960 Is it, Alan? You get them too. 53 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,320 - Yeah. - Yeah. LAUGHTER 54 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,040 I went to my... 55 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,440 I went to my doctor and I said, 56 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,960 "I hate the West and I want all the infidels dead," 57 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:07,040 and he said, "Don't worry, you're just going through a midlife Isis." 58 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:10,480 LAUGHTER 59 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:14,920 Of course, they might be in the Olympics by the time this goes out! 60 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:18,480 That would be an extraordinary turnaround of fortune for them. 61 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:22,320 - I think, in the next World Cup, Fifa would take them. - What, Isis?! 62 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,400 - Yeah, of course. - Yeah, they would be in England's group. 63 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,240 Group of death! 64 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:32,120 That is supposedly a man in a midlife crisis. 65 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,880 If he's in a midlife crisis, he's going to live to 300, which is... 66 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:37,640 The awkward thing about midlife crises, 67 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,200 I've had some friends that have gone through them recently 68 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:43,000 and they've left their partners, gone out with much younger women 69 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,600 and they've bought sports cars, and the most difficult thing 70 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,240 is pretending to my other half that, 71 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,440 "Aw! That's terrible. Isn't it sad?" 72 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:55,240 "Aw, ah. God, he's had a disaster there. 73 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:58,520 "Yeah. No, apparently she used to be a dancer. Yeah." 74 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,600 Yeah. LAUGHTER 75 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,400 He's not... But is he happy? 76 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:04,440 Aw. 77 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,640 Yes. 78 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,960 He can't stop smiling. 79 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,440 He showed me some photos on his phone, it looks amazing. 80 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:16,160 Well, it turns out that chimpanzees, when they're young, they're high 81 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:19,200 and when they get to middle age, they kind of go down 82 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,920 and then up again, which is supposedly what a midlife crisis is. 83 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,880 Does it only affect the men, or does it affect the women chimps as well? 84 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,120 It seems to be a male thing, doesn't it? And I think... 85 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:28,640 Yeah. I hear that, sister monkeys. 86 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,520 Are those guys laughing at the ginger ones? 87 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,000 Well, the tests were done on the ginger ones, 88 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,040 or orang-utans, as some people prefer to call them... 89 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,120 - The ginger ones, yes. - ..and on the chimpanzees. 90 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,040 There are some well-known examples 91 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:45,640 of people in middle age doing extraordinary things. 92 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:50,600 - Henry VIII was 35... - Is he 35 in that picture? 93 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,720 I think, in that picture, he's a little older. 94 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:57,840 - His reaction to a midlife crisis was pretty extreme. - Well, it was. 95 00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:02,440 He fell for a younger woman when he was 35, called Anne Boleyn, 96 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:06,880 - and as a result, broke with... - Catherine of Aragon. - ..Rome. 97 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,040 Well, he broke with her as well, that's true. 98 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,000 He divorced her against the Pope's wishes. 99 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:14,600 Well, she didn't give him an heir, did she? It's her own fault! 100 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,880 LAUGHTER 101 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:20,160 She should have magicked him up a boy. She was a failure. 102 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,440 He had a boy, though, but he was a bastard, wasn't he? 103 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,360 - Couldn't be King. - No. - So, he had some messy break-ups. 104 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:29,120 He had messy break-ups, but 35, that was the year he really pushed it out. 105 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,720 You know, he broke with Rome, founded his own church. And... 106 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,120 Who else is there? Well, Jesus and Buddha. 107 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,920 Would you call Jesus's a midlife crisis? 108 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,440 - DANNY: - He died when he was 33, 109 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,720 - so when was his midlife crisis? - Well, in his 30s. 110 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:45,320 I mean, before he was 30, he didn't really do anything. 111 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,880 But what about Buddha? I mean, there was the weight gain. 112 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:51,120 LAUGHTER 113 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:54,480 - From Siddhartha to a big potbellied thing. - Yeah, I think that's the... 114 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,880 That's the middle-age thing, isn't it? 115 00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,880 You just get into box sets and... 116 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,800 a bit more takeout, twice a week, it's not good for you. 117 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,560 But he didn't become the Buddha until he was in his 40s, about 48. 118 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:07,160 - What was his name before that? Frank? - Maybe, well, 30s. 119 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,040 So there's still a chance for me, is there? 120 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,600 Well, no-one really knows what these things are about, 121 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,800 except that it does seem to be a pattern with men. 122 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:19,920 Now, what mania was started by a few myopic Merseysiders? 123 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:21,920 - # Mulberry bush. # - Weirdly, you know... 124 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:22,960 - Yeah? - No, keep going. 125 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,160 Does this buzzer stop Jimmy speaking? Try again. 126 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,480 LAUGHTER 127 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:29,000 Say something. 128 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,840 - I was just going to say... - # Mulberry bush. # 129 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,400 AUDIENCE CHEERS 130 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:34,920 There's some support for it. 131 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:36,920 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 132 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,720 I find the buzzers really disconcerting. 133 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:41,320 It does feel like someone's about to get murdered in the show. 134 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:45,400 - "Oh, go to bed!" - LAUGHTER 135 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,560 Those childish ghost cries. 136 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:49,160 # Mice. # 137 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,600 It's usually The Beatles. 138 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,000 - Hmm. - Isn't it? 139 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,400 Yeah, it's usually The Beatles. 140 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,000 - The Beatles is what you're saying. - It's usually The Beatles. 141 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,120 He's saying The Beatles. 142 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,640 - KLAXON BLARES - # Mulberry bush. # 143 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:06,960 Very good. 144 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,080 No, is the answer. 145 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:11,640 - Oh. - It was a mania, but not Beatlemania on Merseyside. 146 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,440 - Myopic Merseyside. - It involves something to do with M. 147 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,040 - Myopic is short-sighted, is it? - Yes. 148 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,120 - Partially-sighted. - So, what M could help you 149 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:19,960 with partial-sightedness? 150 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,520 - My glasses. - LAUGHTER 151 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,840 Yes. 152 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,920 Any particular type of ophthalmic instrument 153 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,840 - that would help, that began with M? - Monocle. 154 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,880 Monocle is the right answer. There we go, very good. 155 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,000 Yeah. 156 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,280 APPLAUSE 157 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,640 I only knew that cos there happens to be a monocle next to me. 158 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:47,200 It was a bit of a giveaway. 159 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,880 There you are, pop them in. 160 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,200 It was a fashion thing that seemed to sweep Liverpool. 161 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,320 I can imagine it taking off again, to be honest. 162 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,480 - You do look great. - You look very good. 163 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,200 - Ah, Jimmy! - LAUGHTER 164 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,360 - Oh, my goodness. - My old pal. 165 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:00,800 What are you laughing at? 166 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:06,120 Jimmy, you've never looked more like a ventriloquist's doll in your life. 167 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,360 LAUGHTER 168 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:12,440 So, Jimmy... 169 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:15,800 SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER 170 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,240 Oh, my! You really did look like Lord Charles there. 171 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,760 HE LAUGHS 172 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,240 I now feel slightly haunted. 173 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,880 Wow! Thank you for putting your hand there, by the way. 174 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,320 It was really...special. 175 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:29,680 Your hair is all up. 176 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,640 They won't fit because monocles had to be made to fit, 177 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:34,520 which is why they were expensive. 178 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:35,960 And because they were expensive, 179 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,240 they were associated with the upper classes. 180 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:40,800 And even when you wear them, 181 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:43,520 it's very hard not to look rather kind of like that, isn't it? 182 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,520 At what point in history did someone just go, 183 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,640 make that mental leap between, 184 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:51,120 "I've got it here and I've got a little bridge here. 185 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,920 "I could maybe just put another one..." 186 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:54,520 Well, it's funny you should say that. 187 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:56,640 Which came first, the monocle or the spectacles? 188 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,040 I'm going to say the spectacles. 189 00:08:58,040 --> 00:08:59,880 Yes. The spectacles, by hundreds of years. 190 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,800 - What? - When do you think the monocle came in? 191 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,160 1974. 192 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:10,200 No. They came in in the 1800s and they were instantly a success, 193 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,640 but they were expensive. 194 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:14,880 And we associate them with, I suppose... 195 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,200 - Oh, there I am. - DANNY: - Yeah. There you are, yeah. 196 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,640 I had all three of those. 197 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,840 - DANNY: - They knocked that up pretty quickly. - Yeah. 198 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,640 But something gave them a rather bad image 199 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,040 - in the 20th century. - Californian vegetables. - Nazis. 200 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,320 Nazis, and in fact... LAUGHTER 201 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,480 Californian vegetables. 202 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,200 Buy Californian vegetables. 203 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,320 - By Jove, they're awfully good. - LAUGHTER 204 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,120 - Yeah, they were associated with... - You do become instantly posh. 205 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,160 ..aristocrats, German soldiers and generals. 206 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,200 Ludendorff wore one, Krebs, various of those figures there did. 207 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:47,960 Ja. 208 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,520 Advance. 209 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,440 - They really did never stop... - No squinting. 210 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,760 - ..trying to look more evil, did they? - No, they didn't. 211 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,120 Well, what could we add to this? 212 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,360 I've got the, you know, the skull and crossbones, 213 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,160 I've got the weird look, I've got the steely eyes. 214 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,400 They're a very good fit. 215 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,720 I know, I'll put one spectacle lens over here. 216 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:05,560 - GERMAN ACCENT: - What about a monocle? 217 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:09,200 Zat would make us more evil. A tiny moustache. 218 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,600 So, who are the famous monocle wearers that you can name? 219 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,200 - Patrick Moore. - That's one. Good. 220 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,120 - Goebbels. - No, he didn't have one. 221 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:19,040 - Hitler. - Hitler! 222 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:23,240 It would have set him off lovely, but no, he didn't. He didn't. 223 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,480 Mr Peanut, from the peanuts. 224 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,840 Yes, that's right, the Planters peanuts, Mr Peanuts. 225 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,280 Can anyone think of any? 226 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:31,160 - AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT - Terry-Thomas, we had Terry-Thomas. 227 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:34,440 - No, I don't think he did. - Bad luck, you're out. 228 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:37,120 - Did Churchill ever wear one? - Churchill, no... 229 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:38,760 - Jesus? - Erich von Stroheim. 230 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:41,320 - Jesus?! - Jesus wore one. - Jesus! 231 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,440 Chris Eubank. 232 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:48,800 - Chris Eubank! - Of course! - It doesn't count 233 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:52,560 if you're driving a monster truck through Brighton at the time. 234 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,520 There was a very peculiar thing that started in 1902, 235 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,760 which was the New York Times, whether as a joke originally, 236 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:02,080 but it seems to have become one because it is so preposterous, 237 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:05,200 is they keep predicting the return of the monocle, 238 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,120 so in 1902, they said it was going to come back, 239 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:11,800 then in 1936 the reported that more than 20 British MPs had one. 240 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:15,760 1941, they found that monocle sales were up 50% 241 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,640 but then they dropped again because... 242 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,760 That was a pair of glasses, it turned out. 243 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:25,560 But the war, the association with Nazis then sort of dropped the sales 244 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,440 and then in 1970, the New York Times again 245 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:33,160 reported sales had risen by 50%, quoted a Bond Street optician. 246 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,760 If I ran an opticians, 247 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,800 I'd make them do the shop sign in a really blurry font. 248 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:44,840 Even as recently as 2014, the New York Times again reported 249 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:49,480 on a comeback in cities as diverse as Manhattan and Cape Town and Berlin. 250 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:52,880 I like that the association with Nazis made it drop, 251 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,360 - made it fall, the sales. - Encouraging, yes. 252 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,960 You mentioned the Beatles and, of course, there was a myopic Beatle. 253 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,800 - John Lennon. - John Lennon. 254 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,480 His glasses. 255 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:05,000 - LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: - I've never worn a monocle in me life, 256 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,480 it was only glasses, only ever worn glasses. 257 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,360 But he was very, very short-sighted, 258 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:14,000 so much so that if he didn't wear his glasses, 259 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,200 he would be qualified as blind. 260 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,200 That explains Yoko Ono! 261 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,840 AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS 262 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,600 Now! 263 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,840 APPLAUSE 264 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,080 Why am I clapping? That's dreadful! 265 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:35,160 Another great figure from the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame 266 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:38,160 - who died famously young... - Buddy Holly. 267 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:39,360 Buddy Holly, yes. 268 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,320 Oh, was he FLYING the plane?! 269 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,560 LAUGHTER 270 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:47,160 APPLAUSE 271 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:53,240 That's it, when they found the black box, it was just him going, 272 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,840 "Can I have a go?" 273 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:58,120 And the Big Bopper going, "No, Buddy! 274 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,960 "You're bli-i-i-i-i-i-ind!" 275 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:04,600 He couldn't read the top line of an eye-test chart. 276 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:08,640 He obviously famously wore glasses too, as many do. 277 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:11,400 But there you are. Now for a medical question. 278 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:18,360 What malady could you ameliorate by standing in the middle of Wales? 279 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,800 - Yes? - Er, Moby Dick. 280 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:23,720 Ha! 281 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,840 - Stand in the middle of whales. - Moby Dick! 282 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,400 Ah. 283 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:31,080 Oh, very good. Very good. APPLAUSE 284 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,680 - Very good. - Whales or Wales the country, though? 285 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,360 Well, you see, this is the thing. 286 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:36,600 Not whale, the giant mammal. 287 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,880 You kind of deserve a little point for your Moby Dick. 288 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,800 - Oh, do I? - Because I am actually talking... 289 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,920 If you stood in the middle of a blue whale... 290 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,280 I know you're obsessed, but it doesn't have to be blue. 291 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,040 Yeah, but let's say it's blue. 292 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,440 All right, blue. All right blue. 293 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,680 Because you know you can stand in one of those. 294 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:55,040 - You can? - They're huge. 295 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:56,520 Yeah. 296 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,240 They are quite big, aren't they? 297 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,160 Of course, they're not the biggest life form on earth, as you know. 298 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,720 Hell no! 299 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:05,040 Sorry, are we doing a "best of" show? 300 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,840 In some ways, it's the "worst of". 301 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,320 You two have had this conversation like a million times. 302 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,240 What's the question again, Stephen? 303 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,680 Yeah, what sort of amelioration for what sort of malady 304 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,240 could you expect, if you stood... 305 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:19,840 A cream, an ointment? Some...a balm. 306 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,120 No. No, this is...the act of standing, 307 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,280 it's not something that's just taken from a whale. 308 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,720 This is an example. This is in 1896 or thereabouts. 309 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:29,680 - This is an Australian... - Is that a dead whale? 310 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:33,400 A drunken Australian found a dead whale on the beach... 311 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,760 Just say Australian, you don't need to beleaguer. 312 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,760 - I knew you'd say that. - Is that him there? 313 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:43,280 Yeah, that's him. ..and decided to walk into the whale. 314 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:46,080 That looks like something from Embarrassing Bodies, doesn't it? 315 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:47,160 It does a bit. 316 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:50,160 - AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - "I've put on a little bit of weight." 317 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,880 - AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - "I've fallen into a bloody whale." 318 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,800 LAUGHTER 319 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,480 "I thought a blowhole meant something else. 320 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,400 "I feel like a bloody fool now." 321 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,360 "I'll look for a malady and ameliorate it." 322 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,760 Just the kind of language you'd use. 323 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,560 But no, he got out of the whale... 324 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:10,800 He got out, he stank. 325 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,640 ..and was amazed to discover... 326 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:13,840 He could walk. 327 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,640 LAUGHTER 328 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:17,760 - That his... - He was sober. 329 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,840 ..his rheumatism had disappeared. 330 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,440 We'd never have got that. We could have been here about a week. 331 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,880 I know. That's why I helped you out. 332 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:27,400 - Thank you so much. - So it cures rheumatism? 333 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,000 - Well... - But I mean, you can't get them at the chemist, can you? 334 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,840 No, you can't. It started a fad, though. People... 335 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,080 - Would go and stand in the middle of dead whales? - Yeah. 336 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,720 And whalers would leave a hole, 337 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,440 a little, sort of, area for people who would pay 338 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,240 and go and stand inside. 339 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:45,000 And the decaying blubber would act as a kind of poultice. 340 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,960 - Is there any kind of...? - I want to go now. 341 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,520 - No. - Total... - No evidence that it works at all. 342 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,080 But it was just one of those fads that they had in those days. 343 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,240 - What a fun fad. - A fun fad. 344 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,800 - These days we've got... - Imagine if the monocle people went 345 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,360 and they were standing there like, "Oh, I'm all for a fad now. 346 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,240 "Here I am with my monocle, sat in a whale. 347 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:02,840 "I'll do anything, me." 348 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,040 - But rheumatism, what is rheumatism? - I don't know. - No. 349 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,040 - That's a very good answer. - Aches and pain. 350 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,680 Yes, pain in the joints is often called rheumatism, 351 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:14,320 but it covers up to 200 different conditions 352 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,560 and rheumatologists are real doctors, 353 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,160 but rheumatism... There isn't one rheumatism. 354 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,600 There are all kinds of autoimmune things that happen 355 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,920 to affect the joints and the muscles. 356 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:28,000 And there are all kinds of things people take for it 357 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,880 that aren't necessarily any use. 358 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,640 Copper bracelets, for example. 359 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,880 You can pay up to ?200 for a copper bracelet. 360 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:37,160 There was a rheumatologist who said, "Yes, you can pay ?5 for one as well 361 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:38,840 "and you go just as green." 362 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,480 Well, yeah, that's it really. 363 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,920 Australians with rheumatism had a whale of a time. 364 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,080 What would you find in a medieval manhole? 365 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,800 Do they keep their favourite things in it? 366 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,040 Do they bury them in case of marauding pillagers? 367 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:59,040 Is it like a priest-hole? Like a hidey-place? 368 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:01,400 Well, you really would have to know about this... 369 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:05,960 - I've never heard the phrase "priest..." - Priest-hole? 370 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,920 - You don't have them in Ireland, of course! - Well, we kind of do, 371 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:11,960 - but we don't talk about it. - No, the priest-hole would be... 372 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,680 You would hide your Catholics 373 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,600 - in behind the fireplace in a secret little... - Priest-hole! 374 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:20,880 During the time of Queen Elizabeth, Catholics had quite a hard time of it 375 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,520 and people who kept their Catholic faith 376 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,960 had priests who came to minister them 377 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:29,520 and, in the bigger houses, they put little holes, sliding panels, 378 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:31,560 tiny places for the priest to hide 379 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,600 in case the army came round in order to arrest them 380 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,520 and to catch them in the act of being all Catholic. 381 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,560 - Yeah. - So those were the priest-holes. 382 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,240 - They'd catch them having loads of children. - Yeah! 383 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:44,240 Wow, I'd never heard of that before. 384 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:46,280 We're actually in the Germanic regions here. 385 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:48,800 Obviously, there was no Germany in medieval times, but... 386 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,360 Is it access to drains? 387 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:55,280 Ah, no. It's a legal issue. It's a rather bizarre one. 388 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,640 If a man wanted to take another man to court, 389 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:02,200 in Germany and in England, they used trial by battle. 390 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:03,840 This is from Game Of Thrones! 391 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,680 This is clearly from Game Of Thrones. 392 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,360 In England, if a man wanted to take a woman to court, 393 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,320 he couldn't use trial by battle. 394 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:13,680 But in Germany, you could, 395 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,920 but you had to dig a hole and be inside a hole 396 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,920 and tie one arm behind your back... 397 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:20,480 - LAUGHTER - Oh, yeah. 398 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,000 - No way! - ..and then you could fight. 399 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,200 - Yeah. - Yeah. - I like that. 400 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:27,640 - But what if you were fighting Brienne of Tarth? - Bring it back! 401 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,040 I feel like on this panel show, 402 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:32,040 I should be stood up like this and all of you should be down there, 403 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:35,640 - and I'm slashing around me jokes. - LAUGHTER 404 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,800 There were certain other rules as well. 405 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,640 The man would be given three clubs 406 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,880 with which he could, you know, try and hit the woman. 407 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,640 And the woman would have rocks and a slingshot. 408 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,680 - Now... - Did this actually happen, or...? 409 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:50,040 - Yes. Oh gosh, yes. - Really? 410 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,800 That should be surely be the other way on. 411 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,640 He should have the slingshot and the rocks, 412 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:54,840 if he's just stuck in a hole. 413 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,800 - Yeah, I know. It's strange. - She can stand back quite a way 414 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,720 - and just fire at him. - With stones. 415 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,000 I imagine then, I suppose, 416 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,240 you can get right down in your hole, can't you? 417 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:07,520 Yeah. And just go round like that, with a club. 418 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:09,520 If the man touched the side of his hole... 419 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,280 - Oh, that's... - LAUGHTER 420 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:13,440 You know what I mean. 421 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,840 If he touched the side of the hole, he forfeited one of his clubs. 422 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,160 - Right. - And then he only had two clubs left. 423 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:20,640 But it's important to remember, 424 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,320 whoever lost the battle would be put to death. 425 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:25,840 So this is quite a serious thing. 426 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,440 They've already sort of dug the grave, so it's all right. 427 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:29,880 - Yes, that's true. - It's not as bad. 428 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:31,880 - Pop them in there, fill it in, we're done. - Yeah. 429 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,080 - That's extraordinary. - Isn't it? - Yeah. 430 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:35,440 - Yeah. - Anyway... 431 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:36,960 That's what I love about this show, 432 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,000 that sometimes we can all just go, "Yeah, fine." 433 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,280 - Indeed. - Perfectly lovely. - That's quite interesting, yeah. 434 00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,480 Still on the medieval match-ups, 435 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:48,960 what brilliant new strategy was employed by the England team 436 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,560 in the European Championships of 1176? 437 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:56,720 Did they just do what they always do - 438 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,960 get a really easy qualifying group? 439 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,000 And Scotland got, you know, 440 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,200 - the Holy Roman Empire. - LAUGHTER 441 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,040 The Knights Templar and Spain. 442 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:10,080 And England...England get Lindisfarne. 443 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,000 Did they... Did they dig holes? 444 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:17,320 And they stood in the holes and waited for the other team to... No? 445 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:20,640 - KLAXON BLARES - Come on! 446 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,480 APPLAUSE 447 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,280 This is medieval again, 448 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:31,360 and it's early medieval, I suppose you might say. 449 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:34,240 It's not football, though, is it? It must be another... 450 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:36,680 - No, it's not football. - Jousting? 451 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,400 Jousting came later. 452 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,200 - What happened in early medieval... - They need more space for that. 453 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,240 ..was that. 454 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,360 I know, they do, don't they? It's rather crowded. 455 00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:46,400 They're not getting enough of a run-up. 456 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,800 Yeah. Before jousting, the two with lances, you know, 457 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,160 riding towards each other, 458 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:54,360 there was something, which was a French word 459 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:57,960 that we still use to mean a kind of fray. 460 00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,880 - It begins with M. - Menagerie. 461 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:01,840 Not a menagerie. LAUGHTER 462 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,040 Menage a trois. 463 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,720 A European menage a trois. 464 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,160 - Melee. - Yes! A melee is what it was. 465 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:13,800 Well done. 466 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,600 The original cast of Avatar in a melee. 467 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,840 And we're looking at the 12th century, 468 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,480 - and the great king then was... - Henry II. 469 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,920 - Followed by his son, Richard I, the Lionheart. - Oh, right. 470 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:32,800 And they liked this melee when Richard wasn't out at the Crusades. 471 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:34,840 - "I like it." - And... 472 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,960 "I do. It pleaseth me." 473 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,160 And they saw this very good trick and they copied it. 474 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,600 And that is, you tell them you're not going to fight today. 475 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,560 You know, "I won't do the melee today." 476 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:46,720 And they go, "Oh, OK." 477 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,760 And then they exhaust each other. And then you come with your lot saying, 478 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:50,920 "I think I will actually." 479 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,000 And they're all completely tired, and you win. 480 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,920 What do you mean they exhaust each other? 481 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,880 Well, because they're running backwards and forwards at each other, 482 00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:00,840 - running and running. - This is how I do a menage a trois. 483 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,560 I let them go for a while and then I come in late. 484 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,280 They stole the idea off Philip of Flanders 485 00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,200 and it seemed to work pretty well. 486 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,800 The sport is called melee and it's similar to jousting? 487 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,520 Well, the reason jousting then took on, 488 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:16,480 as you can see from the picture, this involves a lot all at once, 489 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,040 whereas jousting is cheaper. 490 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:19,640 - Ah, I see. - It's simply that. 491 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,760 It was so much cheaper to have that. 492 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,360 And you've got champions at the jousting 493 00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:25,880 who appeal to the ladies. 494 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,800 You know, the handkerchiefs and the favours 495 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:31,560 and the rather extraordinary elaborate form of romance. 496 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:33,800 It's kind of funny that that would appeal to ladies. 497 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:36,560 It's kind of like the version now for men for The Only Way Is Essex. 498 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:39,160 - That you don't actually know what someone looks like... - Yes! 499 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,760 ..because they've got so much fancy stuff and extensions on. 500 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,760 You're like, "Oh, he's gorgeous. Look at him! 501 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:45,200 "I really like the look of him." 502 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:46,800 Then he takes off his thing at the end 503 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,520 and you're like, "Oh, God! 504 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:49,760 "Maybe I don't like him." 505 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,280 Going round in a miniskirt with a massive pole in your hand. 506 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:53,920 - Yeah. - LAUGHTER 507 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:55,320 The chicks go wild. 508 00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:01,200 Well, the first rule of knight club was to cheat. 509 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:04,520 Now, for a question about moral turpitude. 510 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:08,160 What morally questionable activity will you finally be able to do 511 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:11,280 on the streets of Knutsford in 2015? 512 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,080 - Is the clue in the picture, Stephen? - Sort of, yeah. 513 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:16,760 Does it involve nuts? 514 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:18,000 No. Sadly not. 515 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:19,680 Does it involve bunting? 516 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:21,440 Nor bunting. And look lower down. 517 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,480 What is there particularly noticeable? 518 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:25,920 - Terrible shoes. - Oh. Look at them, oh. 519 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:27,720 - Very bad shoes. - Yeah. 520 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,120 - The road. - Pavement's... - Parking. Double yellow lines. 521 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:31,520 The pavement. 522 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,680 - What about the pavement? - It's small, very narrow. 523 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,680 It's a very narrow pavement. Thank you, Danny. 524 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:37,760 - It is a narrow pavement. - You can't have that. 525 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:39,720 There's a reason for the narrow pavement. 526 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,680 - Because... - Those two people are massive. 527 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:44,080 LAUGHTER 528 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,400 In the olden days... 529 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:51,840 - Yeah? - A certain class of person virtually ruled the roost in Britain 530 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:54,640 - and that was an aristocrat. - Oh, the bastards. 531 00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:56,440 Yes. Absolutely shocking people. 532 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,280 And you had to throw yourself into the gutter if one approached you. 533 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:03,760 Well, sometimes they had strong, stern and absurd moral views. 534 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,680 - And... - Oh, so they weren't allowed to walk... - Well, yes. 535 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,120 - If you imagine... - ..side by side? 536 00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:10,600 ARISTOCRATIC VOICE: "I'm not having the working classes 537 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,200 "next to each other in the street 538 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:15,640 "cos it can only lead to touching." 539 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:18,280 I know you think you're doing a voice, but that is how you talk. 540 00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:21,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 541 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:25,880 There's no difference. 542 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,240 Like a hair's breadth. 543 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:30,720 You are a beast. 544 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,400 Voicing the inner workings of the mind. 545 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:38,040 So, you weren't allowed to walk hand-in-hand with a lady? 546 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:39,440 You could just walk behind her? 547 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,920 - Basically, yeah. - I'm happy with that. 548 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,160 Well, Lady Jane Stanley, 549 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,880 who was the daughter of the 11th Earl of Derby, 550 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:49,960 - and she laid down this strict code of... - Single-file pavement... 551 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,560 - Single-file pavements. - ..in case they touched one another. 552 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:54,920 - Yes. She died unmarried, as you might expect. - Yeah! 553 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,720 She wrote her own epitaph, apparently, which is, 554 00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:03,120 "A maid I lived and a maid I died. I never was asked and never denied." 555 00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:05,440 I think that's not bad, considering she was dead. 556 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:07,000 Yes, quite. 557 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:08,120 Fair enough. 558 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:11,240 But perhaps the most famous prude of his era was a little later, 559 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,520 in the 1870s - a fellow called Anthony Comstock. 560 00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,880 Comstock was from New York 561 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:20,040 and founded a league against lewdness of any kind. 562 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:22,440 He saw it everywhere. He hated it. 563 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:26,320 He'd been in the Civil War, didn't like the swearing, apparently. 564 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:29,160 - Yeah, that's the worst thing about war. - Yes, I know. 565 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:32,040 Especially that Civil War, you know? I mean... 566 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:34,440 "They've blown my fucking leg off!" 567 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:36,680 "Now, now - language." 568 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,080 "I'm going to fucking kill you." 569 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:40,360 "Please, could you just kill me? Thank you." 570 00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:43,200 But the particular tragedy that struck him in 1873, 571 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:44,280 after the war, 572 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:47,960 was a friend of his - who was addicted to pornography - died, 573 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:51,440 supposedly having masturbated himself to death. 574 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:54,360 LAUGHTER 575 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:56,040 There's a lesson in there, Jimmy. 576 00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,280 I'm happy to report, Stephen, that cannot happen. 577 00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:02,480 You're just not trying hard enough, boy. 578 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,080 HE LAUGHS 579 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:05,640 I thought you looked pale, Jimmy. 580 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:07,480 Comstock believed that anyway. 581 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,200 Yes, he founded the New York Society for the Suppression of Vice 582 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,840 and for nine years in its height, from the '70s to early '80s, 583 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:17,760 the society was responsible for 700 arrests, 333 prison sentences. 584 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:20,160 So, almost a 50% success rate on its arrests. 585 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:23,720 And fines totalling 65,000, which was a heck of a lot then. 586 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:27,120 The seizure of roughly 65,000 articles as well. 587 00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:30,240 Articles for immoral use of rubber, etc. 588 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,200 LAUGHTER 589 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:37,760 I saw some ancient pornography once. Someone... There was a book... 590 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,640 Scraping the barrel that day, were you? 591 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:43,040 - "There's nothing left I haven't seen!" - No, no, 592 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:45,040 someone was writing a paper, at college, 593 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:46,560 on the history of pornography 594 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,480 and it was kind of the earliest pornographic sort of photographs 595 00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:52,480 and it was just a guy standing... leaning on a fireplace, 596 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:56,120 but clearly they had only had their photo taken in certain poses, 597 00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:58,520 so they thought, "Well, I guess that's how photos work," 598 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,400 so he had a pipe on 599 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:03,160 and all the usual porn stuff was going on, but... 600 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:06,000 I think it's rather wonderful. 601 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,520 Are you sure you're not describing the album cover 602 00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:10,200 of Bing Crosby's Christmas Hits? 603 00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:13,400 The X-rated version! 604 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,520 As late as 1927 they were still going 605 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:19,240 and they managed, reprehensibly, 606 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,320 to shut down Mae West's Broadway play, Sex, 607 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:24,600 and had her imprisoned for ten days. 608 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:25,640 Really? 609 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,160 There was the Comstock Law, which made it a federal offence 610 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:32,240 to send obscene matter - for example, contraceptives - through the post. 611 00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:35,800 It was finally overturned in '36 in the wonderfully named case of 612 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:40,120 United States versus One Package of Japanese Pessaries. 613 00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:43,360 LAUGHTER 614 00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:45,280 The US was always going to win that one. 615 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:47,600 It was, wasn't it? I think so. 616 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:51,280 I've never had...I've never had, in 14 years, 617 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:54,120 people eating sweets in the front row. 618 00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:55,840 What the hell?! 619 00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:57,840 And I can't think about anything else. 620 00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,520 LAUGHTER 621 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:11,240 Thanks, Jimmy. 622 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:13,920 You can have them back at the end of the lesson. 623 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:16,720 I feel really bad for those people, 624 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:19,680 because, obviously, you're just sat there watching an episode of QI, 625 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:21,720 and then suddenly the telly gets up... 626 00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:25,320 LAUGHTER 627 00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:27,000 ..and nicks your sweets. 628 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:31,480 "I didn't press the red button, what's going on?" 629 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:34,080 LAUGHTER 630 00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:38,360 Anyway, what did the French do with marmosets 631 00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:40,040 that normal people did with cheese? 632 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:43,440 LAUGHTER 633 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,720 - I have no memory of that whatsoever. - That's Alan! 634 00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:50,840 Oh, we all remember our student days. 635 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:53,640 Forget the marmoset. 636 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,440 - Right, forget the marmoset. - I say "normal people" do with cheese? 637 00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:58,760 - What do we do with cheese? - I put it on bread or crackers. 638 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,480 Put it in the back of the fridge for six months, then chuck it out. 639 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:03,160 Think laterally. 640 00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,360 Not the substance, not the food even. 641 00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:06,800 What else is there? 642 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:09,600 - Cheese. - Oh, not...not on some sort of, no... 643 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:11,160 - No, don't. - Oh, Jimmy. 644 00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:13,720 Not the substance. 645 00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,360 Not any substance at all. 646 00:29:15,360 --> 00:29:18,280 - Say "cheese". We say "cheese". - That's it! Thank you, Danny. 647 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:20,400 Thank you. APPLAUSE 648 00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:21,760 Very good. 649 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,640 So do the French say "marmoset?" 650 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:26,480 - They do. - They say "marmoset"? 651 00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:28,760 Well, they used to. I put it in the past tense. 652 00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:31,600 That makes me go, "Oh, no wonder." Cos that makes you go like this... 653 00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:34,520 and that's what all French people look like in photos, "Allo. Allo." 654 00:29:34,520 --> 00:29:36,080 We have a Frenchman in the audience. 655 00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:38,640 We have Vincent, who's come all the way from la belle France, 656 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:39,960 - from la Republique. - Bonjour. 657 00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:42,520 Let's just listen to him shouting marmoset in French. 658 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:43,680 Ouistiti. 659 00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:45,440 Ouistiti. Brilliant, thank you. 660 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,240 And the point is, we smile when we say the... 661 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,080 - Which titty? - Which titty? - Which titty? 662 00:29:56,080 --> 00:29:58,440 - Ouistiti. - This titty... - Which titty? - ..or this titty? 663 00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:00,640 - Which titty? - This titty or this titty? - Ouistiti... 664 00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:04,800 - Which titty? - Which titty will make you smile? - Which titty? 665 00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:07,120 It does make you smile, just saying, "Which titty?" 666 00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:10,960 If you stretch your face to say "ti-ti". 667 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:13,080 - Titty. - Titty. 668 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:15,120 - As you do to say cheese. - Little titty, big titty. 669 00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:16,160 Exactly. 670 00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:19,200 And other languages, of course, have other words, or used to. 671 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:21,640 I don't think it... But people Blue Steel now, don't they? 672 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:24,640 - They Blue Steel it. They don't... - Well, there is that, unfortunately. 673 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:29,200 But do you know of any other countries' words? 674 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,840 - Yes, the Danish... - Yes? - Yeah, what? Yeah? 675 00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:33,920 They say "orange". 676 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:35,880 Well, they don't say the word orange, do they? 677 00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:38,240 Well, I don't know what it is, but I remember someone... 678 00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:40,800 It's the Danish for orange. Do we have Danes in the audience? 679 00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:42,520 - There's one. - Oh. - You're Danish? 680 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:44,920 It sounds like apple, doesn't it? Say, if you could... 681 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:47,760 - AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Appelsin. - Yeah, there we go. - AISLING: - Appelsin? 682 00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:49,640 A pussy? 683 00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:51,240 - Appelsin. - Where titty, a pussy? 684 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:55,320 - Which titty? A pussy. - A pussy. 685 00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:57,920 - This is... Europe is filth! - Europe is filthy. 686 00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:01,600 And in various other languages, we have Serbian, 687 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:04,440 - I don't suppose anyone. Well... - I don't think they smile in Serbia. 688 00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:06,800 LAUGHTER 689 00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:08,920 Do we have any Slavs in the audience? 690 00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:10,360 No, we don't. 691 00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:13,560 "Little bird" in Serbian is ptica. 692 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:14,920 Tee-chee-tsa. 693 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:17,480 - Tee-chee-tsa. - It might be the same in Russian, I don't know. 694 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:19,840 - Iticheetza! - LAUGHTER 695 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:22,640 Iticheetza! Iticheetza! 696 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:24,000 Iticheetza! 697 00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:30,000 Honestly. Korean you might get, cos it's their favourite thing. 698 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:31,720 - Eating dogs. - AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Kimchi. 699 00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:33,560 - Kimchi. - Nuclear. - Kimchi, yeah. - Kimchi. 700 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:34,800 They love their kimchi. 701 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:37,520 Argentina and some other Latin countries 702 00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:39,960 is actually an English word they say. Or Scottish. 703 00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:42,680 A Gaelic word, I should say. 'Usquebaugh' means whisky. 704 00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:44,320 - Usquebaugh? - Yeah, whisky. 705 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:46,600 - Or water of life, isn't it? - Usquebaugh. 706 00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:48,920 Ah, usquebaugh is the same in Irish, in Gaelic as well. 707 00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:51,280 Except you put an 'e' in it when you make it English. 708 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:53,600 No, we don't put an 'e' in it, because that's really... 709 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:55,880 LAUGHTER 710 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:59,160 They did for one 48-hour period, yeah. 711 00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:04,200 Bulgarian is... We don't have any Bulgars in the audience, I'm sure? 712 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:06,840 - There's one! - A Bulgar! - You're joking, really? 713 00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:08,320 Is that what you say, a Bulgar? 714 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:10,320 You don't say you're a Bulgar? Bulgarian? 715 00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:13,120 - AUDIENCE MEMBER: - I am Bulgarian. - And what would you say if...? 716 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:16,320 - We say "zele". - Yes! Zele. Which means? 717 00:32:16,320 --> 00:32:18,640 - Cabbage. - Cabbage, yes. - Cabbage. 718 00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:20,640 Good, very good. 719 00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:27,320 The sad thing is that they've tended to die out. 720 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:29,560 Not because people do Blue Steel, as you were saying, 721 00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:31,840 but because the Americanisms and British even, 722 00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:33,280 they say "cheese" or "smile". 723 00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:35,480 People go "hmmm" and they just do it. 724 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:37,840 Isn't it sad? People saying smile, how awful. 725 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:39,360 No, I didn't... 726 00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:41,560 I always wondered why in old photographs, 727 00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:44,240 like early 1800s and stuff, they were never smiling, 728 00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:47,960 and it's because the exposure was two, three hours long, 729 00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:50,520 - so you can't physically... - Wrong! - Oh, is that wrong? 730 00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:51,920 Yes, but I'm glad you said it, 731 00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:54,560 because we were just going to come to that very thing. 732 00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:57,160 You're an absolute natural for this show! 733 00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,240 No, it is a common misapprehension. 734 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:01,640 By 1845, in the early daguerreotypes, 735 00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:05,280 it was only a few seconds, the exposure. One reason is... 736 00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:07,720 At least five of them look like they're dead. 737 00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:09,520 Well, they are regarded as serious. 738 00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,720 If you look at portraits in oils, you know, paintings, 739 00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:15,680 - Reynolds, Gainsborough and so on, they don't smile. - No. 740 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:17,480 The Mona Lisa smile? That one. 741 00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:20,240 Exactly, her enigmatic smile, it's what makes her a unique... 742 00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:21,760 That's very good, Aisling. 743 00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:23,680 The lady on the far right there, 744 00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:26,240 she was very good in the Wizard of Oz, wasn't she? 745 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:29,960 - Terrifying. - She was, yeah. 746 00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:32,000 To be honest, I wouldn't be smiling if my parents 747 00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:34,360 - had dressed me up like that for a photograph. - I know, no. 748 00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:37,960 But the word they said instead of "cheese" turned out to be "prunes". 749 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:42,360 - To make them look serious - prunes, prunes. - Prunes... 750 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:45,400 But anyway, what colour is a mirror? 751 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:49,280 Ah! Now, this is going to be a trick. Come on, Danny. 752 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:52,040 Is it the colour of whatever is standing in front of it? 753 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:56,400 - No, you fool! - It's perfectly reasonable. 754 00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:58,320 LAUGHTER 755 00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:00,240 It's a perfectly reasonable thing to say. 756 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:03,440 - It would certainly reflect back the colour of... - It's just glass! 757 00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:05,360 It's like a rainbow because it's glass 758 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:08,680 and it is the accumulation of light and... 759 00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:11,840 and all of the colours in a rainbow, but... 760 00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:14,720 This sounds madder, but I feel like I am right, but... 761 00:34:14,720 --> 00:34:16,600 "Oh, go to bed!" 762 00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:18,760 Silver. 763 00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:20,960 KLAXON BLARES Silver is not a colour. 764 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:26,320 - Silver isn't a colour. - Are mirrors made of sand, aren't they? 765 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:28,840 Well, they are made of glass, which is made of sand, 766 00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:32,120 and the silvered backing, whatever that might be that is used. 767 00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:36,320 - This silvery foil thing. - What? The what backing?! - Silvered... 768 00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:39,200 It's silver, but its colour isn't silver, silver isn't a colour 769 00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:41,800 because you can't make a silver colour on a computer using... 770 00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:44,560 - Just because it's not on your computer...! - Silver is not colour. 771 00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:46,640 - It's glass... - No? - Silver is not colour, no. 772 00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:48,720 - Oh, I love this show! - It is good, isn't it? 773 00:34:48,720 --> 00:34:52,000 It's all of the colours, it's like when the sun goes through a raindrop 774 00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,400 and a rainbow comes out cos... And all the colours... 775 00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:57,000 Yes, you're absolutely on the right lines. 776 00:34:57,000 --> 00:35:00,160 I mean, anything you see as a coloured object... 777 00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:01,680 Like a tomato looks red 778 00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:04,800 because it takes in all the colours of white light, 779 00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:09,240 - all the colours in there, EXCEPT red. And therefore, the red... - What?! 780 00:35:09,240 --> 00:35:12,200 - Therefore, the red reflects back. - But red... Sorry. 781 00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:13,960 The red is in there with all the others, 782 00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:16,400 but can't get through, as it were, and comes out... 783 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:19,240 - Don't let him into your mind. - It's like Scientology, the whole... 784 00:35:19,240 --> 00:35:23,120 - No, that's how it works. So, a mirror... - How do Skittles work, then? 785 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:26,280 Sorry? LAUGHTER 786 00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:28,840 Taste the rainbow! 787 00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,880 A mirror takes in all the colours, 788 00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:35,120 but there is one colour which slightly can't get in 789 00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:38,560 - and you can only see that all mirrors have a slight tinge of this... - Green? 790 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:40,400 - A vampire. Oh. - Yes, green! 791 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:42,600 Literally, I was just going to list the colours. 792 00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:44,360 Green is right and you can see it there. 793 00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:46,200 That is not coloured glass of any kind. 794 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:47,520 You see it best in the effect of 795 00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:50,160 a hall of mirrors - mirror on mirror on mirror - so you're seeing 796 00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:52,280 lots of mirrors together, you see this tinge, 797 00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:54,320 that gets stronger and stronger, of green. 798 00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:57,720 Now, that is just pure glass and pure mirror effect, 799 00:35:57,720 --> 00:36:00,400 but it seems green to us. 800 00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:02,920 So if you are looking slightly green in the morning, 801 00:36:02,920 --> 00:36:04,440 you can blame it on the mirror. 802 00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:08,880 Now, why might blocking the middle of a fire exit be a good thing? 803 00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:10,440 # Mulberry bush. # 804 00:36:10,440 --> 00:36:13,400 Cos it stops the fire from getting out. 805 00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:15,000 "Hold on!" 806 00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:18,440 So, if everyone goes for the fire exit at the same time, 807 00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:20,200 they would cause... 808 00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:22,000 It would get blocked by the mass of people, 809 00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:24,680 whereas if you had two lanes, it's like motorway traffic. 810 00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:27,720 - If you block the middle, they would go out sort of individually. - Yes! 811 00:36:27,720 --> 00:36:30,400 - And it would be better. - You are on the money, absolutely right. 812 00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:32,480 It's an extraordinary thing. 813 00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:36,840 - APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH - We are a team! 814 00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:38,480 They started it with ants. 815 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:41,760 I mean, they didn't start a fire, but they had a single exit for ants 816 00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:44,040 and they blocked the middle of it 817 00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:46,600 and they found that the ants were slower, 818 00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:50,240 but they all got out more quickly and it seems to work with humans too, 819 00:36:50,240 --> 00:36:52,320 probably for exactly the reasons you say. 820 00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:56,640 - Is that why they do those individual doors in airports? - Maybe it is, yes. 821 00:36:56,640 --> 00:36:58,800 Those ones where it says, "Keep moving," 822 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:00,640 as you walk towards the plate glass. 823 00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:03,680 But with aeroplanes, in order to have a certificate of air worthiness, 824 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:06,480 amongst other things like making sure the wings don't fall off, 825 00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:09,280 you have to be able to evacuate in 90 seconds. 826 00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:11,720 - No way! - Because that is the speed at which... 827 00:37:11,720 --> 00:37:13,360 LAUGHTER 828 00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:14,920 When you say... 829 00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:16,960 Stephen, when you say "evacuate", 830 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:19,360 it depends what they say over the tannoy. 831 00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:22,560 90 seconds is how long it would take a fire to engulf. 832 00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:25,960 - That's helping(!) - She is, yeah. - "Get off!" 833 00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:29,720 When you do evacuate, it's difficult to test, of course, 834 00:37:29,720 --> 00:37:31,720 whether you can get people off. 835 00:37:31,720 --> 00:37:35,320 - How do you motivate them to get off quickly enough? - Do they pay them? 836 00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:37,600 - Pay them. - So is it like the last guy off...? 837 00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:39,640 They basically give them a monetary incentive 838 00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:41,760 - to get off as fast as possible. - They get a refund. 839 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:44,320 Well, no, this is in the test situation, 840 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:47,000 you haven't bought a ticket, you've been asked to test... 841 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:51,400 - Oh, tests! - The tests. - "Get out in 90 seconds, I'll give you 20 quid." 842 00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,800 Are you saying you would be on a plane, it would be on fire 843 00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:55,880 and they go, "We'll give you ?20 if you get off," 844 00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:57,120 and you go, "Make it 30..." 845 00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:58,920 LAUGHTER 846 00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:02,280 "I'm holding out for more, love. It is getting warm, but it's worth it. 847 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:05,280 - "They'll put the price up." - Yeah, I'll be the last off. 848 00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:09,920 So, now it's time to run screaming into the disaster zone 849 00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:11,520 that we call General Ignorance. 850 00:38:11,520 --> 00:38:13,840 So, fingers on buzzers, if you please. 851 00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:16,360 It's Midsummer in the UK. 852 00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:20,880 To the nearest hour, what time does day become night? 853 00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:23,840 About 10, gets up again around 4? 854 00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:26,800 KLAXON BLARES 855 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:30,480 So I was going to say 1! 856 00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:32,200 You were going to say 1?! 857 00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:34,200 KLAXON BLARES 858 00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:39,120 - You'll take that one! - I'll take that one! 859 00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:42,040 Is it... I'm only saying this, there is no rationale at all, 860 00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:45,880 but is it noon? It's always something weird on this show 861 00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:48,880 and you go, "Oh, no, it's actually night-time in the middle of the day. 862 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:51,600 "You're all idiots, you've been doing it wrong." 863 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:53,680 In Midsummer, there is no night in Britain. 864 00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:55,760 There's no night. There's no night, Danny. 865 00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:58,360 LAUGHTER 866 00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:03,800 - It's constant twilight. - Oh, bollocks. It gets dark. 867 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:07,120 - Constant Twilight sounds like a really good indie album. - It does! 868 00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:09,280 Yeah, even as far south as Jersey, 869 00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:13,480 twilight lasts between June 8th and July 4th, without night. 870 00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:15,160 And how do you define twilight? 871 00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:18,960 Well, it's defined as the time after the sun goes down, but... 872 00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:22,240 When the vampires and werewolves fight! 873 00:39:22,240 --> 00:39:23,920 Who will she choose... 874 00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:26,640 while constantly looking like she has just farted? 875 00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:30,240 - How? - In the Twilight films. - You know Kirsten? 876 00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:33,360 - She looks as if she has just farted the whole time. - Shall I? 877 00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:36,320 You look like you could be one of the vampires. 878 00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:37,960 "Oh, my God, am I going to pick you? 879 00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:40,400 "You're so cold. Can I touch you? Are you even real?" 880 00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:42,080 That's exactly the whole movie. 881 00:39:42,080 --> 00:39:46,040 The whole movie is her choice between a half animal and a zombie. 882 00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:50,280 So Twilight lasts about... 883 00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:53,280 lasts about six hours if you watch all three of them. 884 00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:57,160 Twilight is defined as the time after the sun goes beneath the horizon 885 00:39:57,160 --> 00:39:59,760 but while there is still light caused by the reflection 886 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:01,680 of the sun's rays from the atmosphere. 887 00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:03,560 During summer nights, even at 2am, 888 00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:06,080 there is still a little bit of light from the sun. 889 00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:09,920 When is the best time to charge your mobile phone? 890 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:11,960 At night. 891 00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:14,720 Well, good. Yeah, it might be. Any other thoughts? 892 00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:17,000 Oh, really? I thought that would go off! 893 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:20,680 - You can't do it on Midsummer. - No. - "There is no night, you fool!" 894 00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:24,160 When it's completely almost run out of battery. 895 00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:26,080 - KLAXON BLARES Oh! - Oh! 896 00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:30,960 If you've got an iPhone, it's every 15 minutes. 897 00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:33,000 LAUGHTER 898 00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:35,200 It used to be the case with an old phone. 899 00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:37,040 Nokia would go on for weeks. 900 00:40:37,040 --> 00:40:40,800 Yeah! Look at that beauty. Bring 'em back! 901 00:40:40,800 --> 00:40:42,360 That's like one of the most modern, 902 00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:44,680 "Oh, it's not like it was in the old days." 903 00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:49,320 These phones of that generation used what sort of batteries? 904 00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:51,200 - Lithium? - Lithium. - No, nickel is the point. 905 00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:53,960 And if you charged it when it was 20% full, 906 00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:55,960 it wouldn't remember the rest of it, as it were, 907 00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:57,320 it was called memory problem. 908 00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:58,520 So, you had to drain them. 909 00:40:58,520 --> 00:41:00,840 You had to use them completely, so that it would charge 910 00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:02,040 the whole battery. 911 00:41:02,040 --> 00:41:05,720 But we use lithium now and that isn't a problem any more. 912 00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:07,520 But here's a great thing about batteries, 913 00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:09,280 and I'm going to demonstrate this to you, 914 00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:11,120 and I think it'll be rather interesting. 915 00:41:11,120 --> 00:41:13,960 We're just talking about ordinary AA batteries here, 916 00:41:13,960 --> 00:41:16,600 whether or not they're charged or... 917 00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:18,600 They have a thumb thing on them now, don't they? 918 00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:21,040 - I would, I would use... - Well, they did the thumb thing, 919 00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:22,840 but they've got rid of that, haven't they? 920 00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:23,960 They never quite worked. 921 00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:26,160 It was supposed to shine a... go green or something. 922 00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:28,400 Yeah, yeah, go green and there was like a press thing. 923 00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:29,960 I would attach it to my nipple clamps 924 00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:32,360 and see if it gives me a buzz that I need. 925 00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:33,520 Here are two batteries. 926 00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:36,400 How can you tell which one is flat, as it were, 927 00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:37,920 which one is drained of power 928 00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:39,880 - and which one is still powerful? - Try it on you. 929 00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:42,280 - Some magnetic thing. - It's nothing to do with magnetism. 930 00:41:42,280 --> 00:41:44,520 I'm going to slip them through these copper sleeves 931 00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:46,560 so that they're both facing the right direction 932 00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:48,160 and should both fall at the same time. 933 00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:50,960 So you can count me down from three, two, one and drop, all right? 934 00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:53,120 The whole audience can join in. 935 00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:56,600 - ALL: - Three, two, one, drop! 936 00:41:57,800 --> 00:41:59,480 All right, let's have a look at that. 937 00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:02,120 In theory, an empty battery should bounce more. 938 00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:05,280 - AUDIENCE MURMURS - Oh! 939 00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:08,600 And that is the case that this is the one which has been drained. 940 00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:10,520 It's to do with the gel inside the batteries. 941 00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:13,440 And when they're drained, it's hardened and so it bounces more. 942 00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:16,360 Should we do an apology now for people breaking their mobile phones? 943 00:42:17,400 --> 00:42:20,040 Presumably someone is at home going, "Is this charged?" 944 00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:22,000 - You could try it with that. - Seems all right. 945 00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:23,520 There you are, isn't that good? 946 00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:25,840 - Couldn't you just buy new batteries? - LAUGHTER 947 00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:37,400 I just didn't think of that. 948 00:42:37,400 --> 00:42:39,720 Right. Yes, the best time to charge your phone 949 00:42:39,720 --> 00:42:41,440 is any time you can find a power socket. 950 00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:44,760 All of which brings us charging towards a battery 951 00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:49,040 of very extraordinary scores, which will amaze and astonish you. 952 00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:50,120 Not. 953 00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:53,880 So, in first place, what an extraordinary debut, 954 00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:57,320 Danny Bhoy on ten points. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 955 00:43:02,680 --> 00:43:05,080 In second place, 956 00:43:05,080 --> 00:43:07,000 half as good, but still brilliant, 957 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:08,480 five points to Jimmy Carr. 958 00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:10,520 I'm happy with that. I'll take that all day. 959 00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:12,480 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Five?! 960 00:43:12,480 --> 00:43:14,880 That's good. 961 00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:17,280 In third place, with -7, 962 00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:18,720 it's Aisling Bea. 963 00:43:18,720 --> 00:43:21,520 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yeah! 964 00:43:23,720 --> 00:43:25,200 Who does that leave us, I wonder? 965 00:43:25,200 --> 00:43:27,320 Well... 966 00:43:27,320 --> 00:43:30,800 -44 for Alan Davies! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 967 00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:41,280 Well, that's all from Aisling, Jimmy, Danny, Alan and me. 968 00:43:41,280 --> 00:43:42,840 And I leave you with these wise words 969 00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:45,960 from Pulitzer Prize winner, Anna Quindlen. 970 00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:48,560 "Life is not so much about beginnings and endings 971 00:43:48,560 --> 00:43:51,480 "as it is about going on and on and on. 972 00:43:51,480 --> 00:43:53,320 "It's about muddling through the middle," 973 00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:54,920 which I hope we've done this evening. 974 00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:55,960 Good night. APPLAUSE