1 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:35,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,480 Goooooood.... 3 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:42,840 ..rest ye merry, merry, merry, merry, merry, merry gentlemen, 4 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:44,720 let nothing you dismay 5 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:46,920 and welcome to the QI Christmas panto, 6 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:48,920 with an evening of Merriment. 7 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:51,600 Let's see who's under my tree. 8 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,600 It's Baron Hardup, Johnny Vegas. 9 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,960 And here's Buttons Bill Bailey. 10 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:07,120 Widow Twankey, Jenny Eclair. 11 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:13,240 And a horse's arse, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:21,480 So, let's hear your panto noises. 13 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,760 Johnny goes... 14 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:24,600 - BUZZER: - "OH, YES, IT IS." 15 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,000 Bill goes... 16 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,000 - BUZZER: - "OH, NO, IT ISN'T." 17 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:30,120 Jenny goes... 18 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,280 - BUZZER: - "HE'S BEHIND YOU!" 19 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:33,640 And Alan goes... 20 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,240 - BUZZER: - "WHY IS THAT MAN WEARING A DRESS, MUMMY?" 21 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:42,320 Good question. Have a sweet, dear. 22 00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:46,000 Right, now, I've sent you all a Christmas card and here they are. 23 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,640 I've got one for Johnny. And one for Jenny. 24 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,080 - Thank you. - One for Bill. And there's one for Alan. 25 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:56,120 - Thank you. - Now, my question is quite simple - 26 00:01:56,120 --> 00:02:01,520 whose card is most like the first card ever sent? 27 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:03,320 - Well, mine's like that. - Yeah. 28 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:05,280 - OK, well, I've got a robin. - You've got a robin. 29 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:09,880 - A lovely cock robin. - Cock - maybe. How do you know it's a cock robin? 30 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,960 Er, well, um... 31 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,400 I mean, I don't mean cock robin... 32 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:15,840 Is that what Batman said? 33 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,200 That's terrible. ALAN LAUGHS 34 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,960 - He likes that - you like that, don't you? - I like that. 35 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,560 He's very pleased with himself. Have another sweet. 36 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,200 - Sorry? - "How do you know it's a cock, Robin?" 37 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,480 I didn't actually... 38 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,080 "How do you know it's a cock, Robin?" 39 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,520 So you've got the robin and the robin is certainly 40 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,920 a traditional Christmas card picture and image. 41 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,960 - You've got a Roman statue? - In a Christmas jumper. 42 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,200 Which seems unlikely, though, of course, 43 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,840 - the Roman Empire had hundreds of years as a Christian empire... - No. 44 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:55,000 - But you still... - If it had been a Christmas toga, maybe, but no. 45 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,920 That's not the original Christmas card. 46 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,160 Well, fair point. 47 00:02:58,160 --> 00:02:59,560 You've got a little baby. 48 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,160 I'm struggling to think this is the original. 49 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:05,640 It's very close to my upbringing. 50 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:11,200 - But it's not... - "I saw this and thought of you." 51 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,120 Well, we saw that and thought of you, Alan. 52 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:14,760 There we are. It does look a bit like me. 53 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:16,080 It looks very like you. 54 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,200 I would say that is Alan Davies, there. 55 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,360 - In a production of Puss In Boots. - Puss In Boots. 56 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,520 In 1916. 57 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,840 So was that the very first Christmas card? 58 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,800 No, it wasn't, but we were just fascinated to see Alan in it 59 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:35,080 and to see that you were working in panto then 60 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:38,880 and wondered, you know, whether you had a good experience? 61 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,600 - Loved it. - You loved it, yeah. 62 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,880 It's demanding, cos it's five shows a day. 63 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,600 Yes, five. That's what they always say. 64 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,400 But financially, it's the best gig of the year, so... 65 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:50,520 And can I say, I don't think we're getting the best out of my costume. 66 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:51,880 Show the ladies and gentlemen. 67 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:53,280 Look, I've got a tail. 68 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:54,640 - Hey! AUDIENCE: - Hey! 69 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:57,240 And I've got...I've got feet and everything. 70 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,360 - But it's all out of sight below the desk, Stephen. - Yes. 71 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:04,560 It looks like you're just wearing a pair of large grey trousers, 72 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:06,240 for no reason at all. 73 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:09,080 They are retaining all the moisture, that's all I'd like to say... 74 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,240 - Is it a ventriloquist's donkey? - It is now. 75 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,440 - Oh, yeah... - "Happy new year." 76 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:16,560 - That's a scary-looking... - "Rubbish Stephen, more points." 77 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,600 You look like you're wearing boiler lagging. 78 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,960 - You do! You've been lagged. - I've been lagged. 79 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,320 All right, so yes, that was one Christmas card, it was 1916. 80 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:26,520 I vote the robin as the early one. 81 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:29,040 Robins were very early on Christmas cards. 82 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:32,040 It's probably the most common depiction of Christmas, isn't it? 83 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,680 Do you know why they were common? 84 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:37,320 - Why were they considered a symbol of Christmas? - Uh... 85 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,160 What it is, is that when the first Christmas cards were delivered, 86 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:43,120 they were delivered by postmen who wore red tunics 87 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:45,160 and were known as "red breasts". 88 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,160 - Oh, yes. - Robin red breasts. 89 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:51,280 And so the sight of the postman coming up the path in the snow... 90 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:52,680 ..was a harbinger of doom. 91 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,360 ..was a harbinger of doom, of doom / Christmas. 92 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,200 - A harbinger of postal orders. - Yeah. 93 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,680 That's the most commonly accepted theory. 94 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:04,160 What is also interesting is that in the last...20 years, maybe, 95 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:06,720 the number of robins on Christmas cards in Britain 96 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,560 has declined enormously. 97 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,840 Well, that's because that one looks like he's been doing Charlie. 98 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:15,320 No, that... 99 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,800 It just looks like he's been abusing drugs. 100 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:21,200 - BILL: - It does, doesn't it? 101 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:26,000 - JOHNNY: - He's the reason you can't get in a cubicle. 102 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,920 Only you would notice, only you. 103 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,880 I'm perhaps one of the last humans in Britain 104 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:33,520 who use cubicles to have a poo. 105 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:37,600 And at Christmas, the thought of a little robin red breast in there 106 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,520 - just going... - HE SNIFFS 107 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,800 - HIGH-PITCHED: - "I'll be out in a minute." 108 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,440 ..whilst I'm touching Christmas cloth. 109 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:46,720 Oh, gracious. 110 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,560 - BILL: - # "Touching Christmas cloth..." 111 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,080 HE HUMS TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS" 112 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,680 This is already going slightly out of control. 113 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,640 I think he's just... He's been at the Gold Top, that's all that is, 114 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,560 he's been at the Gold Top on your doorstep. 115 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:00,240 - Yes, that's right. - That's true, yes. 116 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:04,320 I think the first picture on a Christmas card 117 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:09,200 was a furious middle-aged woman scrubbing at a roasting tray 118 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,440 with a think bubble coming out of her head 119 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,480 which reads, "The ungrateful shits!" 120 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,320 It would be... it would be very accurate. 121 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,240 I'll just finish my robin point, which was reasonably interesting, 122 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,080 - at least to me, if no-one else. - Yes. 123 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:26,320 And that is, that over the last ten years, 124 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,000 the number of robins appearing in Christmas cards... 125 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,400 YAWNING 126 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,560 Over the last ten years, the number of robins 127 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:37,160 appearing on Christmas cards has declined by a quarter. 128 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,000 But the number of robins in Britain, as the real birds, 129 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,360 has increased by nearly a half. 130 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,360 - Exponentially. - Yeah. - Oh, right. 131 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:45,920 And the question of how you sex them, 132 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:48,560 - how you tell them apart, it's not easy at all. - No. 133 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:51,080 But it's something to do with the hairline they have there, 134 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,920 where the red turns into grey. 135 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,480 That one on the right is wearing Just For Men. 136 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,080 It's said that if it's a kind of quite strong V, 137 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:00,480 it's likely to be a female. 138 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:02,080 And if it's more of a U, it's a male, 139 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,080 but even ornithologists find it difficult. 140 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:08,200 - No, it's very true, it's impossible. - Yeah. So, we'll turn to Jenny. 141 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,280 What did Romans do at Christmas time? 142 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,800 Rome...? What did Romans...? 143 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:16,200 - Well, they would feast and fornicate and puke up afterwards. - Exactly. 144 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,360 Nothing's changed, really, over the years, has it? 145 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,920 - That's Christmas, basically. - That's Christmas, yeah. 146 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:25,600 - Christmas tends to happen... - Once a year. 147 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:28,960 Once a year. 148 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,760 - Thank you. - I'm trying to help. 149 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,200 APPLAUSE You are. 150 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,920 - She can't get points for that. - No points for that. 151 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,000 You think that's too obvious? It's not for me... 152 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,000 A perfectly legitimate point has been scored. 153 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,840 - Christmas is for life... - All right. - ..not just for... 154 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,120 Oh, hang on, no, no. 155 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,960 - There are midwinter feasts - Christmas is one. - Pagan feasts. - Yeah. 156 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,000 - And the Roman one was Saturnalia. - Saturnalia. - Saturnalia, 157 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,840 after the god Saturn. 158 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,800 - And there you can see... - Oh, the debauchery. 159 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,120 You can see him throwing up in the middle, in fact. 160 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,360 We did that in the stockroom at Argos. 161 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,680 At Christmas. 162 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:06,040 But the card that is closest to the first card ever sent 163 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:07,600 is Johnny's. 164 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,720 - Oh, the drinking baby. - Baby with a drink? 165 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,640 It was similar to the first card, 166 00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,560 which had a whole family with drinks, including a baby there. 167 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:18,280 - That's the original. JOHNNY: - Let me get this straight. 168 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,360 For years, I've thought that I was raised 169 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,880 in an unstable environment, 170 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,360 when actually my dad, every day, 171 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,960 has just been trying to promote the original Christmas card. 172 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,440 Yes, there you are, exactly. Exactly. 173 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,240 JOHNNY LAUGHS 174 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:34,080 It was designed by John Callcott Horsley, 175 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:38,360 Royal... Royal Acad... No, now I'm going to have one of these moments... 176 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,360 - Royal Acadamadition. - A Royal Acadamadition. 177 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,920 A Royal Academician. ALAN BABBLES 178 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,920 It was designed by John Callcott Horsley, RA. 179 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:47,160 And he... 180 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:49,920 - Very good. - Nice. - Safe. 181 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,960 And, as you see, it depicts a family 182 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,440 all toasting Christmas and the New Year, 183 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,080 including the toddler, there, in green, in front, 184 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,640 and there's on the left a sign of feeding the poor, 185 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,240 and on the right, a sign of clothing the naked, 186 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,720 - all the good things you should do on Christmas. - Ah, yes. 187 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,680 - If you see any naked people, clothe them. - Yes. 188 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,560 Do not approach them. 189 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,800 No. So there we are. 190 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:17,680 Now, the Queen has a Christmas message, as do we. 191 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:22,120 In fact, as we approach the end of series 13, 192 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,400 it's time for us to reveal that every episode of QI, 193 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:28,080 every single one, since the very first, 194 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:32,640 has included a secret message which nobody has spotted. 195 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,960 Where do you think it's hidden? 196 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,680 Is it on your face? 197 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,480 Have you just encrypted 198 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,800 some of your delightful laughter lines into some...? 199 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,000 Perhaps it's in Klingon. 200 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,880 HE SPEAKS KLINGON 201 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,920 - Merry Christmas. - It's not on my face. 202 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:55,000 Is it in the credits or the theme tune? 203 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,040 - Theme tune. - The theme tune? - Ah! - The theme tune. 204 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,560 - BILL: - What? No! 205 00:09:58,560 --> 00:09:59,960 Yes. It's in code. 206 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,760 - What sort of code do you think it might be in? - Morse code. 207 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:06,240 - Morse code is the right answer. - No, really?! - Yes. Yes! 208 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:09,360 JENNY LAUGHS, APPLAUSE 209 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,840 It was composed by the prolific Howard Goodall, 210 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,480 whom people will know from Vicar of Dibley and Blackadder 211 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,560 and many other theme tunes, as well as serious work, 212 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:26,560 and his colleague, Simon Nathan, decoded this, 213 00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:29,240 and this is what it actually says. 214 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:31,800 And that is actually a decoding of the... 215 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,000 HE KNOCKS ON DESK ..the long and the shorts, 216 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:37,080 the minims and the crochets, if you like, in musical terms. 217 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:42,240 And it does come out as www.alan0andstephenhero.com. 218 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,520 And that...that is... 219 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,480 I know, I'm sorry. I didn't... 220 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,280 APPLAUSE 221 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,800 - BILL: - He never told you. - No... 222 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,360 Years, you've been, like, in the stocks. 223 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:03,760 Oh. Poor Alan. 224 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,160 Well, I didn't know it until I was told either, Alan. 225 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:07,240 It's not my... 226 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:09,040 - A STUDIO LIGHT BLOWS Oh! - My God! 227 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:12,800 - What happened there? - What the hell was that?! 228 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,480 - It was a light. - BILL: - Was it a lamp? 229 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:16,520 - It might be a lamp. - No, no, he's got a bad ankle, 230 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:17,800 I'm just taking him out. 231 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,320 I can't afford to keep him. 232 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:24,120 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 233 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,480 Wow. 234 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,800 I absolutely shat myself. 235 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,800 ABSOLUTELY shat yourself? My God. 236 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,400 So where were we? Where were we? Where were we? 237 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:39,440 Oh, we were with this, www.alan0andstephenhero.com. 238 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,400 - Yeah, let's move on from that. - You might find, ladies and gentlemen, 239 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,440 including panelistas, 240 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:46,400 that that is a real URL, 241 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,880 a real web address, that you can find a little QI Easter egg in 242 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:50,960 if you visit it. 243 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,440 Wow, if you've got nothing better to do with your lives. 244 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,080 I think it's a jolly exciting thing to do with your life. 245 00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:58,320 Yes, it is, of course. 246 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,040 - BUZZER: - "OH, NO, IT ISN'T..." 247 00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:02,760 So this... 248 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,400 - BUZZER: - "OH, YES, IT IS." 249 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,360 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I knew there'd be trouble. 250 00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:15,040 I mentioned to you that that hidden code was discovered by Simon Nathan. 251 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,920 He's in the audience. Where are you? 252 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,160 - Is he wearing an anorak? - There he is, over there. 253 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:21,200 He's not wearing an anorak. APPLAUSE 254 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,400 Well done. Thank you very much. 255 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:26,080 There you are. 256 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:31,480 - Other TV shows have also hidden Morse code inside them. - Have they? 257 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:32,800 Yeah. Do you know of one? 258 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,800 One quite well-known example, pretty obvious when you think about it. 259 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,040 - Loose Women. - BILL: - Morse. 260 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:38,880 - Morse. - Of course. - Morse, yeah. 261 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,680 The composer, Barrington Pheloung, liked to... 262 00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:44,560 - Never! - That's his name, yes. 263 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:47,640 Barrington Pheloung, nice chap. Very nice fellow. 264 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,760 He used to hide the name of the murderer very often 265 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,160 in the opening... 266 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,760 HE HUMS BEAT ..there. 267 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,600 Yes. Wasn't it like this? 268 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,840 - Hang on, I've actually, look, look... - Oh, hello. 269 00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:00,000 Right. It was like this, wasn't it? 270 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,360 HE PLAYS NOTES 271 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,240 - Yes. - He'd tap it out and then when the murderer appeared, he went... 272 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,080 SINISTER MUSICAL STING 273 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:10,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 274 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,640 And you went, "That's him!" 275 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:17,840 They never understood why everybody could guess the murderer, could they? 276 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,840 Another one which used Morse might surprise you. 277 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,280 It had titles that came over 278 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:25,240 as a sort of ticker-tape kind of thing at the end, 279 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,960 with a piccolo giving the tune of a famous sitcom. 280 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,640 BILL WHISTLES 281 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,680 - Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. - Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. 282 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,320 - That one. - That one. - Exactly. - I'll stop whistling now. 283 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:39,680 That was brilliant, you're right, that was the tune. 284 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,840 And there's a building that gives off Morse code, 285 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,440 a very famous building in Hollywood. 286 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,560 - How? Tapping it? - Well, it's got a light flashing at the top. 287 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,440 - It's not sound. - Oh, I thought it was... 288 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:50,760 Because of course, Morse code can be visual as well. 289 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,000 There it is. Capitol Records. It's like a stack of discs. 290 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,600 And it flashes out this message here, 291 00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:59,000 "Hollywood", in Morse code - very simple. 292 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,880 But in 2013, it changed to announce Katy Perry's new album Prism 293 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,560 and its release date came out in Morse code. 294 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,320 Nobody noticed. 295 00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:13,840 Not like the demographic of Katy Perry's fans, not... 296 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:17,920 They're not really into Morse. I'm just...just saying, just saying. 297 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:19,280 Bletchley and Katy Perry, 298 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,920 - there's no real cross-over, is there? - Not really. 299 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:25,280 There's 200,000 fans sitting there with carrier pigeons. 300 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,680 "If only I'd known it was Morse." 301 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:35,160 In 2004, Morse code added its first addition since World War II, 302 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:38,040 which is di-dah-dah-di-dah-di. 303 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,560 See if you can guess what it is? 304 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,360 It's an addition to the Morse alphabet. 305 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,080 It's going to be a hashtag or an @ sign. 306 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,520 It's an @ sign, well done. 307 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,080 Exactly right, so that people can spot e-mail addresses. 308 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:50,400 Samuel Morse invented Morse code, as you probably know. 309 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:54,160 But do you know anything about him, other than that he was the inventor of Morse code? 310 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,760 He had another job, which was rather interesting. 311 00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:02,760 He was a painter and he liked, or was commissioned, to paint... 312 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,360 - Dot-dot-dot, dash... - ..to paint paintings... 313 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,120 Dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot... 314 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:11,560 He wasn't a pointillist, but he was commissioned to paint paintings. 315 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:14,520 It seems very odd, why would he be commissioned to paint paintings? 316 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,560 Whoa! There's a fly on my hand! 317 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:20,520 Argh! 318 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,360 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 319 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,400 Oh! 320 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,160 Oh...! 321 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,560 You've killed it, Alan! 322 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,800 - I never thought I'd get it in a million years! - How could you?! 323 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:34,640 It was just looking for somewhere to sleep 324 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,880 - and you just killed it, you...you brute! - I'm so sorry. 325 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:40,280 Never mind. Merry Christmas, everybody. 326 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,000 Samuel Morse was a painter 327 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,920 and he was commissioned to paint paintings. 328 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,880 - Paint paintings. - Because he lived in an era 329 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,320 when there were no catalogues. 330 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,360 - Of course. - Of museums, for example. So he painted... 331 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,840 - The Argos catalogue. - He painted one famous... 332 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:58,600 He painted one famous painting, six foot by nine, 333 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:03,360 of the most well-known exhibits at the Louvre Museum. 334 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,880 So you could see them if you hadn't visited it. 335 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:09,600 You can see the Mona Lisa, down there, famously. 336 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,760 - The best-known of... - He was quite good, wasn't he? 337 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,520 - Yeah, he was. - So as a sort of copyist... 338 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,720 Yeah. To give you an idea of what was in the museum, 339 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:19,440 the best-known ones there, if you didn't have a chance of getting to Paris, for example. 340 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,880 So next time you think of Samuel Morse, 341 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,280 - you can think of that as well as the dots and dashes. - Oh. 342 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:27,960 I will - I'll think of him as...as a public spirited... 343 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,400 - I think that's genuinely interesting. - Thank you. 344 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,040 - Yes. - That's all we hope for. Good. 345 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,400 So by that logic, he invented the internet? 346 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,000 - He didn't. - He didn't? - No. 347 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,400 - BILL: - Wait, the fly's coming back to life! 348 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:49,960 Hold that thought, though. 349 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,200 I have to hold these thoughts, I have nothing else. 350 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:53,880 No, they're good thoughts. Thank you. 351 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,840 Anyway... We'll move on, we'll move on. 352 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:57,160 And we may come back to that. 353 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:58,960 I very much doubt it, but we may. 354 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:05,400 Describe the plot of, or sing a song from the popular musical, 355 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,160 "The Bathrooms Are Coming". 356 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,960 # The bathrooms are coming 357 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,840 # Thank God, I need a shit! # 358 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,240 - Nice. - Bill, can you do me 359 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,200 CISTERNS Are Doing It For Themselves? 360 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,520 Oh, very good. APPLAUSE 361 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:27,280 # The bathrooms are coming Lock up your pipes 362 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:30,760 # The bathrooms are coming Where are your knives? 363 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,960 # Kill, kill, kill them They'll be coming 364 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,680 # Kill them, kill them 365 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:38,480 # The bathrooms are coming for your lives... # 366 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,280 AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG 367 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,720 # They're coming for your souls... # 368 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,520 # I've had it installed now 369 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,680 # And there's nothing to pay till September 370 00:17:55,240 --> 00:18:00,440 # I'm on an HP high 371 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:05,080 # And ain't no debt collector ever gonna bring me down 372 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,200 # Water may be very hot 373 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:13,120 # Don't let the grout go mouldy on me... # 374 00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:15,080 APPLAUSE 375 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,040 It was country and western. 376 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:20,680 BILL PLAYS A TUNE 377 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,440 If you're going to do country and western, it'll be... 378 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:27,800 # Fixed shower head, driving me wild 379 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:34,520 # Can't find my crevices no matter how hard I tried 380 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:38,040 - # I'm going to put my leg up... # - No, don't! 381 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,760 - # Pull my junk to the side... # - Oh...! 382 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,920 BILL PLAYS AN END NOTE 383 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:48,720 Thank you. 384 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,880 Well, that was a big surprise, thank you very much. 385 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,560 Do you know what that might be? The Bathrooms Are Coming? 386 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,440 - The Bathrooms Are Coming? - Written by a Broadway musical composer. 387 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,880 But not for Broadway. 388 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:02,200 - Was it a bathroom company? - A commercial or something? 389 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,640 Yes. American Standard, they were called, 390 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:08,600 and this was one of many, many, many industrial musicals, 391 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:11,480 which had their heyday in between 1950 and 1980, 392 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,160 30 years of exciting musicals 393 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:17,520 for conventions of various companies and their salesmen, all over America. 394 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,960 And they would write specialist musicals just for the salesmen, 395 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,600 just for the conventioners, not for the members of the public. 396 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,680 But they had big budgets and they were written by Broadway, 397 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,240 serious Broadway composers, who hid their names, I think. 398 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,240 - Yeah. - But that's an example of one, The Bathrooms Are Coming. 399 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,440 An original musical, presented by American Standard, as you can see. 400 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,240 The Sound of Selling. 401 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,880 B F Goodrich's 1966 sales meeting musical. 402 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:41,960 Isn't that exciting? 403 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,600 - The Saga of the Dingbat. - The Saga of the Dingbat? 404 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,800 - This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. - Isn't it? 405 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:49,760 - Truly astonishing. - Mental, innit? - These were huge. - What's going on? 406 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,800 Well, when it started in the '50s, by about 1955, 407 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,560 - America... - ..had gone mad. 408 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,440 ..made two-thirds of the world's goods. 409 00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:00,240 Two-thirds of manufacturing industry in the world was American. 410 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,400 Was this at the height of, 411 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,440 "This week's show was brought to you by Lorimar cigarettes..."? 412 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,720 - There was all that sponsorship going on... - Yeah. 413 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,120 ..on the Ed Sullivan Show and things like that, yeah. 414 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,640 - So wait, hang on, if you want to hang on a second. - Excellent! 415 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,320 # If you've a hankering for knowledge 416 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,560 # But can't be arsed with college 417 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:21,200 # Then this is the show for you. # Something like that, I don't know. 418 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:22,240 Yeah. That's the one! 419 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,640 That's the QI show. APPLAUSE 420 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:28,480 # This really Quite Interesting show! # 421 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,080 - Something like that. - Yes, The Quite Interesting Show. 422 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,160 We've got our own musical. APPLAUSE 423 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,080 Thank you, Bill. 424 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:40,080 # Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan 425 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,920 # Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan I'm aghast! # 426 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:46,000 - LAUGHTER - # And he's won! No, he's last. # 427 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,040 You know. 428 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,520 We could, we could do this, I don't know, 429 00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:53,400 - like funded by some kind of light bulb company... - Yeah. 430 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,360 - LAUGHTER - ..and put it on ice. 431 00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:57,720 - Yes. - Yes! 432 00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:59,320 Don't need to skate properly - 433 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:02,120 just skate out, deliver your lines and skate off. 434 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:07,520 - QI on Ice. - On Ice. - Q Ice! - Just, just... 435 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:10,880 Stephen, don't look at your cards, think about it just for a second. 436 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,280 - Please! - Quite pleased with that - Q Ice. 437 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:16,680 We've got reality shows filling arenas, QI on Ice. 438 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,920 - Do you think that would work? - I think so. - No. 439 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,400 I would... Wouldn't you pay to see yourself...? 440 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,400 Would I pay to see myself on ice? 441 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:24,640 - Skate out... - LAUGHTER 442 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,320 - BILL: - In a horse costume! - In a horse costume! 443 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,840 - No, I will not part with any money under any circumstances. - Come on! 444 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:31,880 So... 445 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,080 QI on Ice, just think about it, just overnight, 446 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:37,960 don't write it off straight away. 447 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,400 I'll put it on... on ice. 448 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,040 LAUGHTER So... 449 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:43,880 Here are some lines from musicals, 450 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,840 in this golden era of the industrial musical, as it was called, 451 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,280 and you have to tell me who the company was, really. 452 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:52,880 - Go on. - "I can sell a wiener! My school..." - Sausages! 453 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,480 Yes, wieners are sausages. 454 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,000 - But it goes a little further, you see. - Oh, I see. 455 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,880 "My school supplies are cleaner! I sell candy!" 456 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:03,520 - So, OK, can sell a sausage and candy? - Wal-Mart. 457 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,320 - Wal-Mart. - You're in the right area, it's a very well-known brand, 458 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,360 sells things, from early in the morning to quite late at night. 459 00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:12,640 - 7-Eleven. - 7-Eleven is the right answer. That was a good clue! 460 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,920 - Well, you know... - That was a bit of a hint, wasn't it? I was helping you. 461 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:19,080 This one you won't necessarily know the name of the company, but it's, 462 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:23,360 "Any cola tastes so much colier. Holy water is somewhat holier." 463 00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:25,800 - They weren't trying, really, then, were they? - No! 464 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:26,840 LAUGHTER 465 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,360 - Something that contains liquids. - Very much phoning it in! 466 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:32,000 - It's the Scott paper cup company, that's what it is. - Oh, right. 467 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,920 This one is weird, because it makes Mad Men 468 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:37,960 look positively modern in its attitude towards women and bosses. 469 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:42,680 "Though our boss never beats us, for that he'd never do 470 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:47,240 "It always looks as though he does 'cause we are black and blue. 471 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:50,000 "With ribbons! Ribbons! Ribbons! Ribbons!" 472 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,720 Typewriters, typewriters, isn't it? 473 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:54,160 - Monroe Calculators. - Oh! - Yeah. 474 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:57,640 "I really enjoyed my appendectomy. Loved my hysterectomy." 475 00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,440 LAUGHTER 476 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:02,960 - Um... - BUPA? 477 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:08,240 - It's Surg-O-Pack, who are disposable surgical implements and so on. - Right. 478 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:12,040 - Implying that you sort of did it yourself, really, sort of... - Yeah! 479 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,080 Exactly. "I gave myself a lovely hysterectomy." 480 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,600 Yes, I draw it on - how hard can it be? Yeah. 481 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:21,440 Well, there you are. Industrial musicals were made to motivate. 482 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,800 Whose music do cats like best? 483 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:30,480 Um, is he, that cat, listening to Purr-ple Rain perhaps? 484 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:32,120 GROANING Purr-ple Rain! 485 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:35,760 You've made a cat joke! I liked it. No, no, good. 486 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,320 It looks like he's in Old Smokey, 487 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:40,600 - he looks like he's in an electric chair being... - Oh! 488 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,320 LAUGHTER 489 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:45,200 Sparky, I think, rather than Smokey, wasn't it? 490 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,080 They're electrocuting that cat. He's not listening to anything. 491 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:51,840 - Is it jazz? - Is it...? No. Well, not jazz, actually. 492 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:53,920 Perhaps unsurprisingly, 493 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:57,840 cats are not that interested in human music of any kind. 494 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:01,000 - They're pretty much indifferent to it. - Really? - Yeah. 495 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,360 But they do like music specially composed for them. 496 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:06,280 - Do they like birdsong? - Cat music is... 497 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:10,640 Well, it sounds like mouse and bird and indeed cat sounds. 498 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,400 SOFT MUSIC PLAYS 499 00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:17,680 - These are cats enjoying themselves, are they? - Yeah. 500 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:20,160 - Wow. - Not being tormented? 501 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,840 No! No cats were tormented in the making of this sequence. 502 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,120 - If you listen to the music... - It's quite lovely. 503 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:26,880 PIANO TINKLING 504 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:30,400 - It has slight calls and slight birds and purring things. - It's got hums. 505 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,280 Yeah, cat noises in it as well. MUSIC CONTINUES 506 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:37,520 Yeah, but is it true that cats don't meow to other cats, only to humans? 507 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:38,960 BIRDSONG ON MUSIC 508 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:40,560 LAUGHTER 509 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:43,600 - I don't know. - I'm being genuine! I was told this. - No, I'm fascinated! 510 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:45,720 - I don't know. - I'll go along with that! - Yeah, yeah? 511 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,760 I've had cats and then, you don't see them meow. 512 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:50,040 - They just kind of hiss, they just grunt. - Yeah. 513 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:51,680 Their body language says enough. 514 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,320 - They hiss if they're fighting. - They go up very close to them 515 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,240 and going, "Yeah, you get the food, I'll go out the back." Yeah. 516 00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:00,200 They're just whispering and hissing and all sorts of other noises. 517 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:01,960 Yeah, but it's only with humans 518 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:04,880 - that they go, "Meow." - Yeah. - "Meow." - You're right. 519 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:06,600 Younger cats are more receptive 520 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,800 to that sort of music than middle-aged ones, 521 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,760 and, some like it so much, they rub their faces against the speakers. 522 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,400 - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw! - They get very, very excited by it. 523 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,920 - The same cat music composer... - Well, we've all done that! 524 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,760 ..is working with the Smithsonian National Zoo 525 00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:24,040 - on cotton-top tamarins... - Aw! - ..who like silence more than music. 526 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,240 - How do they get the funding? - Yes! 527 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:27,800 LAUGHTER 528 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:31,040 But isn't...? Shouldn't there be a cut-off point where you're suddenly 529 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,080 going, "Oh, the cat doesn't like my music, I'll change my music." 530 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:37,240 And then, you go, "Well, the cat can't work my cooker." 531 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,880 - I'll devise a cooker that the cat can use. - Yeah. 532 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,960 And then, essentially, you end up living in the cat's house. 533 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:44,000 LAUGHTER 534 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,960 And you're sitting there on a bed of dead robins, 535 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:52,560 wondering why they don't feature on Christmas cards any more. 536 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:56,760 Isn't there a point where we should maintain the human/pet relationship? 537 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,800 You're right, you've painted a nightmare scenario there. 538 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:02,640 Well, I just don't know how big the roof will be. 539 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:05,920 No! No none of us, none of us does. LAUGHTER 540 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:09,200 - Um... - When you come home and you go through a flap, 541 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,720 you know it's gone too far. 542 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,160 LAUGHTER 543 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,440 Anyway, cats prefer their own music 544 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,320 to Atomic Kitten or Cat Stevens. JENNY LAUGHS 545 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:21,560 Now time for a short interval. Who wants an ice cream? 546 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:24,520 - Yes, please. - Me, me, pick me. - Oh, there we are. Yeah, go on. 547 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:25,720 There, take a couple. 548 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:28,360 - We've got some left over, of course. - Thank you very much. Wow! 549 00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:32,120 - There you go. - Johnny? - Oh, yes, please. Thank you, my love. 550 00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:34,840 Chocolate, I've got chocolate, I don't really like chocolate. 551 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,480 - I've got raisin, I don't like raisin. - Do you want to swap? - Yes. 552 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:39,560 - No, I'd like vanilla, please. - Oh? 553 00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,120 - LAUGHTER - Do you like chocolate? 554 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:43,520 - Do you want to swap? - Yes! - You can have another flavour. 555 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:46,480 - I've got strawberry. - That'll do me! - All right. 556 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:48,200 - Oh, you already had a bit! - Yes! 557 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:50,440 LAUGHTER 558 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,160 How else would I know I didn't like it!? 559 00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:56,240 - Well, do what I did - just sniff it and lick it. - Don't do that! 560 00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:01,680 - People who sniff... - Don't take a lump out! 561 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:05,280 You must have very warm hands, cos this is already melted! 562 00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:07,600 I'm having a hot flush! 563 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,200 - APPLAUSE - It's one of my super-powers! 564 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:12,440 - Mine's turned into a slushy! - Yes! 565 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:15,000 You're going to a dinner party and they've forgotten to get 566 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,680 the ice cream out of the freezer, just hold it against my neck! 567 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,720 - LAUGHTER - And it's spoon soft in seconds! 568 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:22,840 - Well, there's barely any... - THEY BOTH SHOUT 569 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:25,360 LAUGHTER DROWNS THEM OUT 570 00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:27,920 - Right... - I don't want to do this in front of Stephen. - No. 571 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:31,040 But the next time we're having ice cream, just... 572 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:33,240 LAUGHTER 573 00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:37,080 - Don't have her on my team! - Do you have any HRT-flavoured ice cream? 574 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:40,880 - No, this is delicious. Thank you very much. - Good. 575 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:43,520 This is what I think life will be like in a nursing home. 576 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:45,560 LOUD LAUGHTER 577 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:47,160 APPLAUSE Anyway... 578 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:48,960 What flavour have you got?! 579 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:51,520 - Bingo! - So what was the biggest nuisance 580 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:55,120 - in the Victorian theatre? - I like peas! I had a fly in mine. 581 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,720 - What was the biggest nuisance...? - I've got to tell this. 582 00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,280 What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre? 583 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,440 - No... - What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre? 584 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,400 - APPLAUSE - Please! 585 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:10,000 SHOUTS: What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre? 586 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:13,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 587 00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,440 Yeah? 588 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,080 Any thoughts? 589 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:21,760 Ice-cream? 590 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:24,400 - I, genuinely... - Don't worry, you don't need to press them. 591 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:27,480 - Was it people interrupting? - That was one of them. 592 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:31,200 Was it the infamous female flasher 593 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:35,920 who'd invade a Victorian stage without her bloomers, 594 00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:37,880 and she was called Fanny by Gaslight. 595 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:40,160 - Was it her? - It wasn't that, no. 596 00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,880 Was it things going wrong, like machinery? 597 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:45,560 Well, those were all bad things, they are bad today, 598 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,360 but what is actually still one of the worst things that can happen? 599 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:50,800 - People eating sweets. - That's bad. - Was it a bulb breaking? 600 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:51,960 If you're in the audience, 601 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:54,480 what is one of the most annoying things for you, not just... 602 00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:56,480 Cholera. 603 00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:58,160 LAUGHTER 604 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,960 Being stabbed in the neck by someone. 605 00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,640 You're stretching, Bill. It's good that you're thinking. 606 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:05,960 TB. 607 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:07,240 Rickets. 608 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:08,520 LAUGHTER 609 00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:11,760 If you stayed in for a very long time. No, what it is... 610 00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:14,800 Let's imagine, for example, the Victoria Theatre, in London. 611 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:19,640 - Yeah. - It had 2,200 people. When it came to the interval? 612 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:21,280 - Oh, the lavatories? - The lavatories. 613 00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:23,800 - How many lavatories do you think it had? - Four. - Two. - One. 614 00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:26,880 - One lavatory. - One lavatory, 2,200 people. 615 00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:31,640 - This is an issue, isn't it? It's not good. - Nothing's changed. 616 00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:34,040 Well, things were even more problematic up north, 617 00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:37,840 certainly in the Theatre Royal in Newcastle, in the Victorian era, 618 00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:42,800 where they actually installed lead lining on the floor of the balcony 619 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,920 because urine was dropping down on to the people in the stalls, 620 00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:48,560 because people just peed where they sat 621 00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:50,160 cos there was nowhere else to go. 622 00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:52,160 - GEORDIE ACCENT: - Lovely, lovely Geordies! 623 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:53,640 LAUGHTER 624 00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,640 Now, now, careful, careful. Just be careful, that's all I'm saying. 625 00:29:56,640 --> 00:30:00,720 - Aye aye, we'll piss on't floor! - It's pretty grim. That was in 1837. 626 00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:03,720 That was a serious problem and it's still a problem today, is it not? 627 00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:06,280 - I think particularly for women? - Absolutely. 628 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,040 - Sometimes you just have to invade the men's. - Yeah. 629 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:10,960 We always hear of these Japanese funnels 630 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:14,120 - that are supposed to allow women... - The Shewees. - ..yeah, to stand up, 631 00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:16,760 - but they haven't caught on. - I just go for the side swipe. - OK. 632 00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:18,240 LAUGHTER 633 00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:22,960 - Am I going to be able to picture this? - It's sort of a dance move... 634 00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:25,080 - and a relief. - Oh, yes. 635 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:27,880 But I'm not going to demonstrate it now. 636 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:29,600 This is a nice programme. 637 00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:32,120 But is not the male urinal, couldn't you not... 638 00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:35,920 I mean, is that usable as a lady? 639 00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:41,280 I can't see what is wrong with just going sort of like that. 640 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:43,800 - A squat, like that. - Yeah. 641 00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,200 Or you could hold yourself up between two parked cars. 642 00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:48,160 LAUGHTER 643 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:49,960 Yes. 644 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:52,680 Not that I've ever done that! 645 00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:57,320 Weren't the girl guides taught to pee standing up, as a form of... 646 00:30:57,320 --> 00:30:58,720 Self-defence? 647 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,960 LAUGHTER 648 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:04,040 What changed then were intervals. 649 00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:06,960 Intervals came more or less in time to coincide with the desire 650 00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:08,520 of people to, you know... 651 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:10,600 They had what they called the Broadway Bladder, 652 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:12,720 which is supposedly 75 minutes, 653 00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:17,560 which is the maximum, averagely, that people can go without having a pee. 654 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:20,480 And cinemas often had intermissions in our childhood. 655 00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:22,080 Do you remember any particular ones? 656 00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:24,320 - Zulu, I saw Zulu... - Zulu had an intermission. 657 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:27,080 ..and it was very frightening and there were masses of Zulus 658 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:29,760 - coming over the hill, and then they had a break... - Yeah. 659 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:32,680 - ..and when we came back, wasn't quite so frightening after that. - No. 660 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:34,320 Well, the one I remember best was 661 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:37,440 where there's a car going along some green towards a cliff 662 00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:40,280 and then suddenly they're going, "Argh!" as they go over the cliff, 663 00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:43,000 just going straight down and then it just goes - Intermission. 664 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:45,520 And my brother and I were absolutely, just terrified, 665 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:48,360 and we had our choc-ices and our Kia Ora orange drink, 666 00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:51,880 and all these other things, and came back, and then it picked it up from 667 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:54,600 there again, the car goes down and then suddenly it flies. 668 00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:58,200 # Um Chitty, um Chitty, Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang, we love you. # 669 00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:00,560 And it was just the most heroic moment in all cinema 670 00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:03,080 and we went back again and again and again. 671 00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:06,320 - Nothing will ever recapture that moment. - No? - So wonderful. 672 00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:08,120 I was happy then, you know. 673 00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:09,600 LAUGHTER 674 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:11,960 And now this. This! 675 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:15,800 - Aah, that's a lovely story. - Thank you, yes. - And quite interesting. 676 00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:17,240 Yeah, well, we hope. 677 00:32:17,240 --> 00:32:19,160 Other films, The Godfather, Sound of Music, 678 00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:21,360 they all had intermissions too. Really big movies. 679 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,120 Hitchcock said, "The length of a film should be directly related 680 00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:26,240 "to the endurance of the human bladder." 681 00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:29,720 - About seven minutes with me, then. - Oh, dear. 682 00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:32,160 Now, who's the worst person to sit next at a silent movie? 683 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:33,800 ALAN BURPS 684 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:35,560 Alan Davies. 685 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:38,120 I rather bolted my ice-cream. I'm very sorry. 686 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:40,120 You did, didn't you? Disgusting! 687 00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:41,600 STEPHEN TUTS 688 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:45,640 - Alan, have you? Did you? Could you? - No, I just, I slightly belched. 689 00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:48,800 - Would it be someone telling you the plot? - Someone talking? 690 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,840 - Telling the plot, yes, kind of. That is very annoying. - Yes. 691 00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:54,760 How were plots laid out in silent movies? 692 00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:57,240 - Obviously there was no dialogue as such. - Cards? - Cards. 693 00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:00,200 - Cards were showed. - Cards would come, these captions, which would... 694 00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:03,160 - Oh, reading out the captions. - Reading out the captions. - Memoing. 695 00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:06,120 The number one annoyance in the days of silent movies, apparently. 696 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:07,680 There were various others. 697 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:10,200 They were very concerned about how people should behave 698 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:11,840 so they put out these things. 699 00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:15,200 And the cinemas themselves had these cards at the beginning, telling 700 00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:19,160 people, as you can see - "Loud talking and whistling not allowed." 701 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:21,240 "Please applaud with hands only." 702 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:22,880 LAUGHTER 703 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:25,960 I suppose it means don't cat-call and don't, you know, stamp your feet. 704 00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:28,480 Or slap your buttocks together or something. 705 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:32,280 And "Madam, how would you like to sit behind the hat you are wearing?" 706 00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:34,480 - That's another issue. - Yes. 707 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:36,920 So people would actually go, "Look out!" 708 00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:40,720 - and would all shout, "Look out!" - Yes, probably, exactly. Annoying. 709 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:44,000 - Yeah. - But then watching films in America is great, though, 710 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:46,760 in New York particularly, because the whole crowd get involved, 711 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:48,480 and they all shout. 712 00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:51,480 I went to see Lord of the Rings in New York. 713 00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:54,880 Just the best experience, cos in the fight scenes, 714 00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:57,280 people are shouting out, "Kick that Orc's ass!" 715 00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:58,840 LAUGHTER 716 00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:01,360 - "Go get it! Damn!" - It's true, they do. 717 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:03,320 - "Damn you, that Orc!" - It's fantastic. 718 00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:06,440 Well, there are certain other bits of cinema etiquette which 719 00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:08,200 now are very common, which is 720 00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:11,440 if you happen to know how a film turns out, you're not 721 00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:14,280 supposed to tell anybody on social media, or at least if you do... 722 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:17,720 - No spoilers. - ..and you blog or review, you put in capital letters? 723 00:34:17,720 --> 00:34:19,480 - Spoiler alert. - Spoiler alert. 724 00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:22,040 And yet, there's a thing called the Spoiler Paradox. 725 00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:24,920 - Do you know about this? - It's more fun if you know what's happening? 726 00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:26,240 It's more fun if you know. 727 00:34:26,240 --> 00:34:28,200 If you actually know how a film turns out, 728 00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:31,280 you are more likely to enjoy it, quite appreciably. 729 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:34,880 The films I like the most are the ones where you've no expectation, 730 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:37,280 you haven't been tainted in advance in any way 731 00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:38,920 and then it all unfolds before you. 732 00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:43,560 - I think I prefer that. - I forget anyway. People tell me stuff. 733 00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:46,640 Anyway, make sure you mind your manners at the movies. 734 00:34:46,640 --> 00:34:51,080 Now, Christmas comes and goes, but one thing that's never 735 00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:54,360 out of season is General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please. 736 00:34:54,360 --> 00:35:00,240 It's a moonlit Christmas night in the city, and you can see just fine. 737 00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:02,400 But then the moon goes behind a cloud. 738 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,200 What happens next? 739 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:06,080 - BILL'S BUZZER: - 'Oh, no, it isn't!' 740 00:35:06,080 --> 00:35:07,920 You turn into a wolf. 741 00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:09,600 LAUGHTER 742 00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:12,680 - Wouldn't that be when the moon came out? Or maybe not. - Yes. 743 00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:14,600 Oh, yeah. 744 00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:16,920 That's right. That's why it's not working out for me. 745 00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:20,160 - The moon goes behind a cloud. JOHNNY'S BUZZER: - Oh, yes, it is! 746 00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:21,840 Does it actually become brighter? 747 00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:24,880 Yes. Very good. Spot on. 748 00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:27,760 APPLAUSE 749 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:31,840 Extra extra points if you can tell me why? 750 00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:33,880 There's already light bouncing off the earth. 751 00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:35,720 Ah ah ah ah ah, yes. 752 00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:37,360 I mentioned we were in the city there. 753 00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:39,600 London is burning huge amounts of light. 754 00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:42,680 If the moon goes behind a cloud and the clouds are covering the sky, 755 00:35:42,680 --> 00:35:47,200 then the light bounces back from the clouds and it increases, 756 00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:49,560 it magnifies the light by a considerable amount. 757 00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:53,400 Whereas if it's a completely cloudless night, even with a bright 758 00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:57,840 big full moon, that's less light than you get in the reflection. 759 00:35:57,840 --> 00:36:00,320 And this has been found to be true even in the countryside. 760 00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:02,760 Ice-cream makes you intelligent! 761 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:04,680 LAUGHTER 762 00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:08,840 The brightest area was in Schipliden in the Netherlands, 763 00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:13,000 where the sky was 10,000 times lighter than the darkest night sky. 764 00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:16,240 Tomatoes were grown there and the greenhouse lights were on. 765 00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:19,360 - Good lord. - Too incredible for words. 766 00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:21,480 Right, time for some Christmas music. 767 00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:26,520 What did the boys in the NYPD choir sing? 768 00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:28,320 - BILL'S BUZZER: - 'Oh, no, it isn't!' 769 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:29,640 Galway Bay. 770 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:31,040 KLAXON 771 00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:33,280 - D'oh! - Don't you know by now? 772 00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:35,800 Oh, I thought I'd take one for the team. 773 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:37,600 Firstly they can't have done, 774 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:40,400 because there is no NYPD choir at all. 775 00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:43,560 The NYPD people they brought in for the video were the pipe band 776 00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:46,160 in fact, of the New York Police Department. 777 00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:48,840 And we're talking about the Pogues' Shane MacGowan singing 778 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:51,320 Fairytale of New York, the great Christmas single. 779 00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:54,120 - Yes, the greatest Christmas song. - Ever. - Brilliant, yeah. 780 00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:56,600 - It's a very thin competition now, isn't it, really? - Eh? 781 00:36:56,600 --> 00:36:58,040 It's pretty thin competition. 782 00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,160 Well, it's Mistletoe and Wine and that. 783 00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:02,040 LAUGHTER 784 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:04,600 So the pipe band came in and they didn't know Galway Bay. 785 00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:06,800 - Right. - They were supposed to sing it. 786 00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:10,680 And so instead they sang the Mickey Mouse Club 787 00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:12,520 and it was slightly slowed down 788 00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:15,360 and it fitted to the words of Galway Bay, apparently, 789 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:17,600 so you couldn't tell. 790 00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:21,320 But there are more points if you can tell me, Shane MacGowan's band, 791 00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:22,560 The Pogues, of course, 792 00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:25,960 - why is it called The Pogues and what does that mean? - Oh, I know this. 793 00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:29,000 Oh, we revised it. I knew it would come up! 794 00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:31,320 No, I DID once know this. 795 00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:34,760 Well, it's Pog mo thoin. That means "kiss my arse". 796 00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:38,520 - That's it. That's it. - Kiss my arse in Irish. Rather pleasing. 797 00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:41,840 I had one night out with him and my thumb has never been the same again. 798 00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:43,680 I can't bend it properly. 799 00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:47,480 I'm just picturing a night out with Johnny Vegas and Shane MacGowan. 800 00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:50,720 - That is something. - He was reading a book on architecture 801 00:37:50,720 --> 00:37:53,680 and I was just in a foul mood and we got drinking together. 802 00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:58,680 - Good times! - And I, yeah, I fell and I couldn't get up. 803 00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:02,160 I fell in a little gully and my head was trapped, 804 00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:04,600 so I just laid there for three hours going, "Help!" 805 00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:05,920 LAUGHTER 806 00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:08,080 And then I fell asleep after saying, 807 00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:11,880 "Some kind of neighbours you are," in my sleep. 808 00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:14,520 - Well, that's absolutely amazing. - Yeah. 809 00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:18,680 Now, on which bank holiday is it most likely to snow? 810 00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:20,720 Easter Monday. 811 00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:22,320 Is the right answer. 812 00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:23,640 No!!! 813 00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:25,080 APPLAUSE 814 00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:27,360 Yes! Come on! 815 00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:29,400 Very good. 816 00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:32,640 Bloody hell. I'm impressed. 817 00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:34,080 Absolutely. 818 00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:37,600 Statistically it is more likely to snow at an Easter bank holiday 819 00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:39,840 than it is over the Christmas, even though it moves. 820 00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:41,840 Well, the weather here is rubbish, isn't it? 821 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,680 I was out with the old man on a hot June day 822 00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:48,080 and there were lots of people driving in their open-top cars 823 00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:50,280 down the King's Road, as they would. 824 00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:53,040 And the old man, who knows everything, said, 825 00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:55,560 "Do you know that there are only six days a year 826 00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:58,600 "where people with open-top sports cars could put their tops down." 827 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:01,560 - Wow. - That made me feel better... - And that was one of them? - Yeah, yeah. 828 00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:04,200 There's so few good days in this country, 829 00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:07,120 and so that's why I thought it was quite likely to be on Easter Monday. 830 00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:10,720 That's true, cos we, as a nation, we, per capita, 831 00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:15,120 own more convertible cars than any other country in Europe. 832 00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:17,080 - No, that's so hopeful! - Durrr! 833 00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:20,240 - Optimistic. - Oh, bless us. - Driving with an umbrella, yeah. 834 00:39:20,240 --> 00:39:26,240 Yeah, December averaged 3.9 days of snow and March had 4.2. 835 00:39:26,240 --> 00:39:29,840 You are more likely to see a white Easter than a white Christmas. 836 00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:33,280 Can you give me a line from the world's first panto? 837 00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:36,640 Go on, go on... 838 00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:38,000 He's behind you. 839 00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:39,960 KLAXON 840 00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,120 - Yay! - Oh, you MADE me do that! 841 00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:44,760 - Why did you do that? - It's your buzzer, isn't it? 842 00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:46,320 She did so well on Easter Monday 843 00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:49,240 and you've just sabotaged it out of spite! 844 00:39:49,240 --> 00:39:53,880 Anyway, no, first pantoMIME, what were pantomimes originally? 845 00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:57,040 - Oh, silent. - They WERE silent. - They were mime. 846 00:39:57,040 --> 00:39:58,880 Yeah, unlike mimes, oddly enough. 847 00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:02,640 The pantomime was a character in a Roman play, who represented 848 00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:05,760 all kinds of mythological things and he never spoke. 849 00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:07,360 - Wow. - Terrifying. 850 00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:09,760 You'd be hard pressed to shift tickets for that, though, 851 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:11,280 wouldn't you? 852 00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:12,720 LAUGHTER 853 00:40:12,720 --> 00:40:16,400 My God, look at that. That's an Ood and Lady GaGa. 854 00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:20,000 Well, isn't it Zoidberg from Futurama? 855 00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:23,440 Nothing screams "festive" like a shin-kicking contest 856 00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:29,040 between two people for whom life has gone very wrong. 857 00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:32,880 The first pantomimes were silent and only had one person in the cast. 858 00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:35,080 So let's take a look at the scores. 859 00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:37,160 Oh, my actual actual. 860 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:39,520 In fourth place, a brilliant first appearance, 861 00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:42,720 and actually an incredibly high score by any QI standards. 862 00:40:42,720 --> 00:40:45,560 - On minus two it's Jenny Eclair! - Did quite well. 863 00:40:45,560 --> 00:40:48,520 APPLAUSE 864 00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:54,320 In third place, with minus one, Bill Bailey! 865 00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:56,600 APPLAUSE 866 00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:59,400 I still don't understand why. 867 00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:03,240 When two giants meet at Christmas, who can it be? 868 00:41:03,240 --> 00:41:05,080 Who's the winner, who's the winner here? 869 00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:08,080 In second place, with eight points, it's... 870 00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:10,640 Johnny Vegas! 871 00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:13,680 APPLAUSE 872 00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:17,640 Oh, my stars, the winner on 11 is Alan Davies! 873 00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:19,840 APPLAUSE 874 00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,640 QI JINGLE PLAYS 875 00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:27,160 So, that's all from Jenny, Johnny, Bill and Alan, 876 00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:30,040 but before we go, I have one more trick up my sleeve. 877 00:41:30,040 --> 00:41:33,080 Right, let's see. 878 00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:37,000 Now, here's the box in which I keep my luggage. 879 00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:40,240 There we go, like so. 880 00:41:40,240 --> 00:41:42,400 Let's see. That's... 881 00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:48,640 Now, in my luggage I keep a very Christmassy item. 882 00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:52,280 It's what everyone should keep in their luggage, really. 883 00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:54,240 It's a big surprise. 884 00:41:54,240 --> 00:41:57,000 APPLAUSE 885 00:41:57,000 --> 00:42:00,120 - Do you need a hand? - Thank you. 886 00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:01,800 There you go. 887 00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:03,440 Splendid. 888 00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:06,280 - Oh, hello, Scott? - I have a surprise for you, Stephen. - Oh, no. 889 00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:10,080 My name is Scott Penrose. I am the President of the Magic Circle, 890 00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:12,080 and if you're a member of the Magic Circle, 891 00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:14,360 you have to have taken a test. 892 00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:17,000 And throughout this series of QI, you've been doing various 893 00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:20,800 - magical experiments, so it's with a great deal of pleasure... - No! 894 00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:23,160 ..to announce that Stephen Fry is now formally 895 00:42:23,160 --> 00:42:25,000 a member of The Magic Circle. 896 00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:27,840 Oh, my God! APPLAUSE 897 00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:29,960 MUSIC: Magic Moments by Perry Como 898 00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:05,160 Merry Christmas, everybody! 899 00:43:05,160 --> 00:43:08,640 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE