1 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,360 APPLAUSE 2 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,040 STEPHEN WAILS 3 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,480 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening. 4 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:41,360 Welcome to QI, which, tonight, 5 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,880 is a menagerie of animals beginning with M. 6 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:46,800 Let's meet our man children. 7 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:50,520 The mammalian Romesh Ranganathan... 8 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:51,920 APPLAUSE 9 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,040 ..the marsupial Bill Bailey... 10 00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,400 APPLAUSE 11 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,920 ..the microscopic Sue Perkins... 12 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:05,400 APPLAUSE 13 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:09,760 ..and the missing mink Alan Davies. 14 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,080 APPLAUSE 15 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:18,120 So, let's hear it for the monkeys, please. Sue goes... 16 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,800 MONKEY SCREECHES 17 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,640 Stop, stop. 18 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:25,200 ..Romesh goes... MONKEY GIBBERS 19 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:26,400 LAUGHTER 20 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:27,520 ..Bill goes... 21 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,280 MONKEY SHRIEKS 22 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,240 - Which, you do, actually, don't you? - I do, yeah. 23 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:34,920 ..and Alan goes... 24 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:37,080 # Hey hey, we're the Monkees 25 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:40,000 # People say we monkey around... # 26 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,520 So, it's a menagerie. 27 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,360 Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager 28 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:44,880 managing an imaginary menagerie. 29 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:47,480 - Very good, well done. - Thank you very much. 30 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,440 What's...? What...? What just happened? 31 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:50,640 LAUGHTER 32 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,760 We're imagining an imaginary menagerie manager 33 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,360 - managing an imaginary menagerie. - Boom! - Wow. 34 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:59,360 - APPLAUSE - That certainly is impressive. 35 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:04,240 It's a menagerie. Animal collections. 36 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,480 That monkey's really staring you out, Stephen. 37 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,120 LAUGHTER 38 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:09,880 All right. Now, do an impression, 39 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,280 if you can, of a moose on the pull. 40 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,640 LAUGHTER 41 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,560 A moose on the pull? OK. 42 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:18,080 ROMESH ROARS 43 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:21,680 - Very good. - Probably. That will enter into it. - When it goes... 44 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:23,120 "Are you a parking ticket 45 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,920 "cos you got fine written all over you-ooh?" 46 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,200 LAUGHTER 47 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,760 - Is that a genuine pick-up line? I love it. - I think it might be. 48 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,680 - "Fine" written all over you. - I'm not actually sure what... 49 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,320 It's not really the sound. It's actually a physical...maybe. 50 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,240 - It's a physical impression. - Did you do that? 51 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,160 A male moose would do that...? 52 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:43,840 Does it go up...? 53 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:46,120 Does it go up on its rear legs and... Eh? 54 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:47,800 LAUGHTER 55 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:52,360 Eh? See anything you like, moose lady? 56 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,120 LAUGHTER 57 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:57,000 - Or moose gentleman. - LAUGHTER 58 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,160 So, what order of mammals is a moose? 59 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:01,720 It's an elk, isn't it? Or a deer? 60 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,400 Well, an elk is simply the European name for what Americans call a moose. 61 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,480 - I've seen one. - I've seen one. 62 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,440 LAUGHTER 63 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,640 - I went to Canada and I was staying in a cabin... - Yeah? 64 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:14,080 ..and I woke up in the morning, and I looked out the window, 65 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:17,160 and it was right outside the window. They're almost entirely silent. 66 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,680 - Yes. - They're so stealthy, you wouldn't think... 67 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,120 - I mean, they're huge - they're like a horse... - Oh, right. 68 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,840 ..but they hardly make any sound at all, and they creep about. 69 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:27,200 Frankly, they're unnerving. They're surreptitious. 70 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,360 - Surreptitious. - I'm amazed it makes any noise... 71 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,040 Would be more like this, then? Would be more like sort of...? 72 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,360 Don't look. Look away. Pretend you're a moose 73 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,960 - at a disco or something. - LAUGHTER 74 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:42,480 - Fancy a bunk-up? - LAUGHTER 75 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,480 Is it something like that? 76 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:48,160 APPLAUSE 77 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,080 "Fancy a bunk-up?" 78 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,720 - It's a moose. - He said, "Fancy a bunk-up?" 79 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,240 You haven't chatted anyone up since the '70s, have you? 80 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:56,920 LAUGHTER 81 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,680 I sort of feel sorry for animals... 82 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,880 Like, well, moose. ..because they haven't got... How do you...? 83 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,400 If you're going on the pull, as a moose, 84 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,440 how do you stick out from the herd? 85 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,720 If you're a human and you're struggling on the pull, 86 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:11,720 you can get, like, a snazzy haircut or, like, a cool jacket. 87 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,760 - Do you know what I mean? - LAUGHTER 88 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,680 So, the moose does something else. 89 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:18,640 - BILL: - Ah! It goes on Tinder, is that right? 90 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,800 LAUGHTER 91 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:25,280 There's an equivalent of tundra... Tinder. 92 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:28,640 Is there? Tundra Tinder, I like it. Tindra. 93 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:30,640 What are they, as an order of mammal? 94 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,640 - They are... - Deer. - Deer, they are deer. 95 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,280 What the deer's mating season? 96 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:37,400 - The males called it... - Rut. - They rut. 97 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,280 One of the things they do in their rut, the males, 98 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,360 is they dig a hole... 99 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:46,040 - It's the equivalent of wearing a smart jacket. - OK. 100 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:49,200 ..and they urinate into the hole, 101 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:52,440 and then they pull all the... 102 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,880 - pissy mud, let's call it... - Sexy times. - Yup. 103 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,200 ..all around their legs and all around their bodies. 104 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,040 - They cover themselves in urine-soaked mud. - Dirty. 105 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,320 And they go a little distance from the hole and they sit down. 106 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:04,800 They wait for the female to come - 107 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,560 who, as a female would, would go, 108 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:08,360 "I like the smell of this." 109 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,680 LAUGHTER 110 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,800 - It's muddy and it's... - Pissy! - ..slightly pissy. 111 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,440 Just a little touch of piss. 112 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,760 And they get in there and cover themselves in that mixture 113 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:19,680 - and then mating happens. - And then he says, "Fancy a bunk up?" 114 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,120 LAUGHTER Yeah. 115 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:25,240 But before that, they've got to go through the other rutting procedure, 116 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:28,320 which is why they've got antlers, and that's fighting with other males. 117 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:31,640 So, after they've fought with the males and won, 118 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,440 then they have the honour of pissing in the mud. 119 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:38,040 - Is that their prize? - It's nature's way of telling them... 120 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:40,960 I would just take a dive if I was in that situation. 121 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,120 If that's the reward, you know, mate, I don't fancy pissy mud today. 122 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,960 I'm just going to go down. 123 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,040 Are there any female moose that aren't necessarily drawn in 124 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,120 by the toxic, heady brew of urine, 125 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:54,040 mud and some slightly wonky antlers? 126 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,680 If there are, unfortunately they'll probably die out 127 00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,480 because the only ones that mate are the ones that go in for this, 128 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,600 - and they pass on their genes. - What does it smell like? 129 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,160 As bad as it sounds, I fear. 130 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,720 Are you moose-curious now? 131 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,320 LAUGHTER 132 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:12,920 I am moose-curious. 133 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,920 I want to smell your mud...moosey boy. 134 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:22,960 Then you can get extra points if you can do what a moose can do, 135 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:26,400 and that's have each eye moving independently of the other. 136 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,320 - No, I can't do that. - I actually thought 137 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:30,760 you were going to say, "Urinate in a muddy hole." 138 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:34,200 I can do that. I don't know if you can see, but... 139 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,960 like that, you go... 140 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:42,080 What's your mud pissing like? 141 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,880 Am I doing it? 142 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:48,240 You don't want to do it. What's the plural of moose? 143 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:51,800 - Moose. - Mooses. - Moose, yeah, although it's actually a Cree word, 144 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,080 a Cree Indian word, 145 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:57,000 and the real plural should be "moosuch", which is rather good. 146 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,440 One moose, two "moosuch". 147 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:00,080 Sounds quite Yiddish. 148 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,680 - Moosuch! - Moosuch! - I like it, good word. 149 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:07,720 Anyway, to impress the females, a moose on the pull 150 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,600 really has to splash out a bit. 151 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,160 The moose is the world's largest deer, 152 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:16,360 but how might a tiger help an old deer get home? 153 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:21,680 Do they organise licensed minicabs for free after midnight? 154 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:25,600 - This is a set-up, isn't it? - It is, we don't mean an old dear like that. 155 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,800 It's not actually an old lady. 156 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:31,000 And we can't mention... If we say zebra crossing, then there's 157 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:36,040 - going to be attraction going off... - You are far smarter than we are. 158 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,840 LAUGHTER 159 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:40,680 I fooled the klaxon, finally! 160 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:43,360 Yes! 161 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:49,880 - It's a dream, isn't it? - It is a dream. 162 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:54,440 - So, it's the word "deer" and the letter M. We've had moose. - A musk. 163 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,560 It may not... Even you... 164 00:07:56,560 --> 00:08:00,120 - Muntjac. - ..a fine zoologist, you may not have heard of this. 165 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,040 No, muntjac is not it. 166 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:06,760 - It's Chinese deer that for 1,200 years... - It's Chinese, dear. 167 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,720 Chinese. 168 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:13,040 - Eh? - He said it's Chinese, dear. - Chinese, OK. 169 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:18,040 - Is it Wednesday? - No, Chinese. 170 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,640 Oh, I like lager. 171 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,160 He'll have chow mein, he likes it. 172 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:27,120 INDISTINCT 173 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,600 I like lager. Do I like lager? 174 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,120 - Yes, dear. - Thank you. 175 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:38,120 It's been extinct for 1,200 years. In the wild it's been extinct. 176 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:41,280 - Oh, right. - But it was saved actually by the Europeans, 177 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,160 - particularly the British. - Mink. 178 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:46,920 I was saying things that begin with M. 179 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,120 Is it a Chinese word? 180 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:52,400 - Well, it probably originally was. - Mao Zedong deer. 181 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,800 A good try. A bloody good effort. 182 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:02,000 - Do you know...? - It tells the other deer to really think about their failings. 183 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,880 LAUGHTER 184 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:07,000 It's milu. Milu is a type of deer. 185 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:11,360 1,200 years ago, it was made extinct in the wild. 186 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:16,240 Because the Chinese the antlers were an aphrodisiac. 187 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,360 - Oh, course they did! - Here we go. 188 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,320 This poor deer was indeed rendered virtually extinct. 189 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:25,160 A few European travellers smuggled some out of China, 190 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,080 including the 11th Duke of Bedford, 191 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:29,760 who put them in a park in Woburn Abbey, 192 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:32,720 - and they've more or less thrived. - Or is it throve? 193 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:36,000 And...by the time you got to 1985, 194 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:39,560 it was decided that maybe they should be reintroduced to China. 195 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:42,120 Oh, dear! 196 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:45,160 The primary problem was they didn't know which part of China 197 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,960 - they came from, there was no record. - No, of course not. 198 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:52,240 - Well, it's very diverse as well, Chinese habitat. - Hugely diverse. 199 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,040 So you've got to get it right. And they knew that the milu 200 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:59,640 liked squashy, marshy places, they swam very well. 201 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:03,440 And they had wide feet. And it suggested a marshy environment. 202 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:07,320 And then they thought, well, maybe we should see which animals 203 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,800 they have a little atavistic memory of. 204 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,240 And they played sound tapes to them, 205 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,120 of different animals, a whole list of them - 206 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:19,080 crows, dogs, tigers, leopards, wolves, bears and lions. 207 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:24,320 And the one they responded to the strongest was the sound of the tiger. 208 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:27,560 So, they found an area of China where there were tiger fossils, 209 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:31,480 because amazingly there are virtually no tigers left alive in China 210 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:33,880 because their penises are aphrodisiac. 211 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:37,480 - Yes. - That's right, but you have to kill them first. 212 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:42,480 And they found the fossils and a marshy place and they put them there. 213 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:43,720 Who was responsible? 214 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,040 Is this the Chinese government responsible for this? 215 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,840 I think it was a cooperative thing between Woburn Abbey and China 216 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,480 to bring them back. 217 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:55,800 Because their record on animal welfare is a little bit shaky. 218 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,920 So I'm amazed that it's going through. 219 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:02,360 - Now, you were a maths teacher, weren't you? - I was, yeah. 220 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,320 You'll love this. 221 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,520 OK, could you divide 355 by 113? 222 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:09,120 I can't. 223 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,040 - Is that the question you're asking? - We relied on you. 224 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,560 No, it's actually a Chinese number called milu, same word. 225 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:17,680 Probably pitched utterly differently. 226 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:20,800 And it's the Chinese version of pi. What we call pi. 227 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:24,080 It's not quite as accurate to as many places. 228 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:26,240 It's easily remembered, actually. 229 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,760 You say how would you remember 355 divided by 113. 230 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:30,680 If you take the 113 and put it in front, 231 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:35,360 you've got the first three odd numbers in pairs - 113355. 232 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:38,360 And the answer, as you see, is pi. 233 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:41,520 - It proves it because it's in chalk. - It does, doesn't it? 234 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,320 Did you use chalk as a teacher? 235 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:46,720 No, actually. We had these interactive whiteboards. 236 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,600 You're so young! 237 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,360 It's so exciting, kids can come up 238 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:54,120 and press the buttons on the screen, but it takes so long to plan that. 239 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,240 So I switched off all the functionality 240 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,680 and just use it as a regular whiteboard. 241 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,960 I remember when I was at school, you'd get the whiteboard rubber 242 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,960 thrown at you, like a discipline tool. 243 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,480 My teachers liked the blackboard rubber 244 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,160 because they could throw it at you and draw blood. 245 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:12,840 Land it on the desk in front of you so you get covered in chalk dust. 246 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:14,880 It's rather unfashionable now, apparently, 247 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,600 violence towards children. 248 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,120 You say it's unfashionable - it's illegal. 249 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,240 Health and safety gone mad. 250 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,320 You say that, we had a situation where there was 251 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,600 a kid in one of my classes being very difficult, so we called 252 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,400 their parents in and said, "Listen, your kid's out of line. 253 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,800 "I think you've done a bad job of bringing him up." 254 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,680 No, we didn't say that... 255 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,520 You internalise that. 256 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:41,600 And then he said, "Can't you just hit him?" 257 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,840 And I said, "Well, we're not allowed to do that." 258 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,600 And then he said, "What if I gave you a letter..." 259 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,040 LAUGHTER 260 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,200 "..that said you were allowed to hit him?" 261 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:55,160 Would it work with the European Court of Human Rights? 262 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,160 "I've got this." 263 00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:58,760 It's in crayon. 264 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,640 - I've got a free pass. - Well, there you are. 265 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,760 We don't really know what the milu's milieu was, 266 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:06,880 but we think it involved tigers. 267 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:10,480 Where would you find the world's most dangerous moustache? 268 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,120 - LAUGHTER - Oh, look at Selleck there. 269 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:17,480 Aren't they all dangerous? The reason I'm saying this is because 270 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:22,000 I've been told that beards and moustaches are a haven for... 271 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,600 - They carry bacteria. - ..disease and bacteria and stuff. 272 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:28,240 I've started shampooing mine. I use an elderberry shampoo now. 273 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:31,560 - Elderberry? - Yeah, and then I...I... 274 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,000 LAUGHTER 275 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:37,720 - And then I use a mango and vanilla oil. - Oh, lovely. - Post shower. 276 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,920 Do you get a lot of fruit-eating birds collecting round here? 277 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:46,000 Is it a beard or moustache you're saying is dangerous? 278 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,480 I wasn't saying, it was Romesh. 279 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:50,720 But at the start it was - is a moustache dangerous? 280 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,880 Sorry, that's the question! 281 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:56,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, good lord! 282 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:01,000 Is it...is it...? 283 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:05,840 Can I just point out that this bit of Hitler's moustache, is that...? 284 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:07,920 That's a shadow. 285 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:11,240 - Did he cut a bit off there or is that a shadow? - LAUGHTER 286 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,480 - That's what tipped him over the edge. - It was, yes. 287 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,880 - He was shaving and... - So, we're criticising Hitler now, are we? 288 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,480 - Yes. - LAUGHTER 289 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:22,240 The more I hear about him, the less I like him. 290 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,320 Of course, we're in a menagerie world here 291 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,440 so this moustache is not belonging to a human being. 292 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:28,680 - A shark. - Is it a horse? 293 00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,880 A moustache on a shark, that's dangerous. 294 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,480 Is it the moustached lizard? 295 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,960 - LAUGHTER No. - Is it the Terry-Thomas gecko? 296 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,640 Komodo dragon. 297 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,120 You could go dragon. It's not a dragon, it's not an iguana. 298 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,960 - It's actually... - The KOMODO dragon. 299 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,240 Ba-doing, ba-doing! 300 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:43,800 A gecko. A leaping lizard. 301 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,080 - ROMESH: - The Selleck frog. 302 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:47,840 Amphibious. 303 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:50,000 - The trampolining, amphibious... - Frog! 304 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,280 - Other one. - Toad! 305 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:52,960 - Is the right answer. - It's a toad?! 306 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960 It's a toad. It's the moustachioed toad. 307 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,880 - Moustachioed toad. - The Emei. 308 00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:59,040 - Wow. - Look at that, that is seriously dangerous. 309 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,040 Look how he's gelled it up. 310 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,600 LAUGHTER 311 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,120 Those studs... Again, we're back in the rutting world. 312 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,320 - Oh, God, look at that. - ..tear into fellow males 313 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,080 so that you can get the right mate. 314 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:13,760 And then give the worst snog of all time. 315 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:19,040 - Well, it lives in China. - Of course it does. Not for long. 316 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:22,120 And in the mating season... 317 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,520 The moustache has medicinal properties? 318 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:29,000 - And in the mating season, it builds up its forearms... - Oh, yeah? - Right. 319 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,640 ..partly for combat, but also for mating - 320 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,880 for the grasping the female. 321 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:38,080 And then it grows this moustache and then they fight a male rival 322 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:41,840 at the bottom of the river stream over a particular female - 323 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:45,200 and they aim for each other's stomachs to rip at them. 324 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,640 Really, it's nasty business. 325 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:51,160 90% of toads involved in this kind of combat are injured, 326 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:52,480 so it's a really pretty... 327 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,800 God, it make you grateful to be a human, doesn't it, sometimes? 328 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,040 - Yeah. - Really? That's your life? 329 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,880 Underwater stomach ripping? 330 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:04,600 Being intestinally jarred by someone's weird, pointy moustache. 331 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:06,600 - Not for me. - When they then get the female, 332 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,720 they fertilise the eggs the female has laid, 333 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:11,360 they get a little rock and they have to stay on the rock 334 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,640 or another male might challenge them for the rock 335 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,640 and fertilise the spare eggs and then, when they are hatched... 336 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,760 - It sheds its horns. - ..it sheds its moustache... 337 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,120 - Its love horns. - ..and goes around clean-shaven. 338 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:22,560 Oh, wow. 339 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:25,400 - Wow. - The Emei. E-M-E-I. 340 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,000 - Emei. - Yeah. 341 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:29,120 But there are other moustachioed animals, 342 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,200 some of them quite extraordinary. There's the Leucauge mariana 343 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:36,600 female spider, prefers to mate with a male with hairy front. 344 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,880 A hairy front! 345 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:42,600 - With a moustache, exactly. - Nobody wants hairy mandibles. 346 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,400 A whiskered front, exactly. 347 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,760 If a male tickles a female with its little whiskers, 348 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:53,680 it is more likely to continue mating and to produce a genital plug. 349 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,440 - Oh! - A genital plug? - A genital plug. 350 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,840 Is that something... An advert for your genitals? 351 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,960 I could keep my genitals a plug, they're pretty good. 352 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,280 Let's all Google that now. 353 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:08,760 "You're here to plug your genitals, come on." 354 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:12,920 Just see what comes up if you put "genital plug" into a search engine. 355 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:17,160 A genital plug is when the female, after mating, then produces 356 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:22,160 this bung at the end of its entrance to stop other males from mating, 357 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,760 so that it guarantees the successful male will pass on its genes. 358 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:28,640 - Is it nature's chastity belt? - Kind of, yes. 359 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,840 Afterwards, a male spider that tries to mount her and mate 360 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:34,360 will find it's rebuffed by the genital plug. 361 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:37,440 - Oh, nothing hurts more than a plug! - Exactly. 362 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:40,880 As you know, the whole aim of a male is to pass on its genes. 363 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,800 - That's what it's all about. - Not with a genital plug, it won't. 364 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,920 - No, exactly. - Now available from Tesco. 365 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:51,080 Because scientists are interesting creatures, arachnologists, 366 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:54,720 I suppose, they tested to see how useful these hairs were on the male 367 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,240 by shaving some of the males 368 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:59,720 and the shaved males aroused less interest in the females. 369 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,960 Who's funding this research? 370 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,400 LAUGHTER 371 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:04,880 You are! 372 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:09,680 This must be Lottery winners who are going, "Yeah, shave a spider. 373 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,840 "Brilliant. That was brilliant." 374 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:16,360 Surely, on an evolutionary level, 375 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:20,120 surely the lady spider would want to get as many men as possible. 376 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:25,120 What the female wants to do is to attract the strongest, bravest, 377 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:26,920 - biggest of the species. - Yes. 378 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,640 Because the eggs can only be fertilised once. 379 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:33,360 But you'd want the spider that goes, "Bung? That's nothing to me!" 380 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:36,400 That's true, actually, that's probably true. 381 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,360 ALAN MAKES POPPING NOISE 382 00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,200 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 383 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:45,440 No, no, no. I think it's probably more like... 384 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,920 HE SQUEAKS 385 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:52,400 - A little pucker. - I know. - Exactly, but not straight out. 386 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,680 In a few million years, that will happen. 387 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,640 That the male spiders will evolve... 388 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,880 She can't wait that long with a bung in her. 389 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:02,640 "I'm sorry, love, I've got a plug in, I'm sorry." 390 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,640 A Glade plug-in. 391 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,200 A Glade plug-in! 392 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,600 - Well, you won't get... - That's where they got the name from. 393 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,400 There's another spider with a moustache, 394 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,160 and that's the brown huntsman. 395 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,160 It has a luminous white moustache, or yellowy white. 396 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:23,840 - Which is... - Ginger. - What do you think its purpose is? 397 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,960 - Is it a draught excluder? - Arachnid hatch. 398 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,520 Well, there are two things animals have to do. 399 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:32,680 - Sex and eat. - Food. - Eat. - This one is food. 400 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,720 - Does it attract things? - Moths, because it's luminous. 401 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,120 Oh, I see, right. 402 00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:39,960 So, the moth sees that little luminous moustache 403 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,120 and ignores the hideousness... 404 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:45,360 - LAUGHTER - ..of the rest of that creature. 405 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:48,360 It looks like the worst thing I've ever seen in my life, 406 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,120 "but, oh, it's glowing! 407 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:52,280 Well, it is night, you see. 408 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:56,720 - Ah. - So, by the time the moth is close up, it's too late. Grrr! 409 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,080 But it's a horrible last few seconds for that moth. 410 00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,880 It's the realisation, "Oh, shit!" 411 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,400 Now, we all know there are perfectly good reasons 412 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,160 for shaving a toad or a spider, 413 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,040 but why would you want to shave the monkey? 414 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,720 MONKEY SHRIEKS 415 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:14,280 LAUGHTER 416 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,120 Do you know it? 417 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,680 To find out if it was the Antichrist. 418 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,440 LAUGHTER 419 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,720 Have the 666 or related number, according to... 420 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:27,240 Is it some sort of, like, monkey stag do? 421 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:31,280 - Well... - He goes to sleep and they shave him completely. 422 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:34,120 - And then he'll wake up and go, "Ha-ha-ha(!)" - It's not that. 423 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:37,920 SLOWLY: It's like this with extreme slowness and laziness... 424 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,440 - Sloth. - Are you a lazy monkey? 425 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:41,760 I would be languid... 426 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,920 - A langur. - A langur. 427 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,960 - Oh, hello. - Where do you find langur monkeys? 428 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,920 That one in the middle does not look lazy. 429 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,600 LAUGHTER 430 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,920 Psychotic? Yes. 431 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,840 - The word is langur. - Oh, OK. - That's what they're called. 432 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,040 Do they like Madagascar? Do they go there? 433 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,800 I don't think so. It's all lemurs, I think. They're India. 434 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,680 There's a lot of them. Such a lot that there's a real problem. 435 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,160 They're considered an infestation 436 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:11,320 and so Indian authorities decided they would try something, 437 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,240 which is... 438 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:17,160 - You shave the leader of a particular troop of langurs... - Yes. 439 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:18,600 - ..the alpha male... - Yeah. 440 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:23,800 ..and rather than him being expelled and another male taking his place, 441 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,800 - the group disbands. - Oh. 442 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,760 And that sort of solves the problem of the infestation 443 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,600 because they're a damn nuisance. Pests, they're considered. 444 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,800 I mean... In their own place, the jungle... 445 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,840 - They can be quite scary. - ..fantastic. 446 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:38,560 Amazing, leaping through trees. 447 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,520 Once they get habituated to humans, they pull your hair, they bite... 448 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,480 I've got a howler monkey bite here that still aggravates me. 449 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,400 "Oh, poor Stephen." LAUGHTER 450 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,600 - Were you trying to shave it? - LAUGHTER 451 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,680 For your own wicked purposes? 452 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:54,920 LAUGHTER 453 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,800 - Just horrible. - I like a smooth monkey myself. 454 00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:00,680 Take it away, take it away, this monkey's too hairy! 455 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,720 Oh, yes, bring him to me. I will shave him. 456 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:04,960 No, um... 457 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,200 - Oh! - MONKEY SHRIEKS 458 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,480 ALAN JOINS IN 459 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:12,960 In 2001, several large langurs were employed by the Indian government. 460 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,960 They were paid, in the form of bananas, 461 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,400 and they basically had to police the defence centre 462 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:22,000 where rhesus macaques were stealing food and paperwork, 463 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,640 - they were pulling women's saris off... - Paperwork? - Yes. 464 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:28,200 - Very anti-bureaucracy monkeys. - It was the Ministry of Defence complex. 465 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:29,800 And so...they were small. 466 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,600 So they got the big langurs to police them, essentially, 467 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:35,920 and they did. They pushed them out to the post office. 468 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,720 LAUGHTER 469 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,640 And they've worked there ever since. 470 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,760 Doing paperwork. 471 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,760 The thing is, the baboons in Cape Town, 472 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,400 they have to have monitors because they're protected, 473 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,640 so they can't actually take them out and put them on a perch. 474 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:52,480 No, it's illegal to kill them. 475 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:55,400 It's like killing a cow, they are sacred... 476 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,240 in the Hindu religion. 477 00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:00,480 The God, Lord Hanuman, apparently, is the monkey god. 478 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,400 But they're a damn nuisance, so it's very difficult to know what to do 479 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,720 but shaving seems a good answer. Well, there you are! 480 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:09,680 What's quite interesting about this macaque, while on the subject? 481 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:16,040 Oh, this is the one that took the picture of itself, is it? 482 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:17,960 Yes, the selfie macaque. 483 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:21,000 - The macaque selfie, yes. - Well done, absolutely right. 484 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,280 This is a macaque type of monkey in Indonesia 485 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,120 that a British photographer took. 486 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,840 Or he did, or did he? That's the question. 487 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:30,320 Ah, so who owns the copyright of the photo? 488 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:35,360 - That's the question. The US court decided... - I'm glad it went that far. 489 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:38,720 I mean, that surely is a vindication of every legal system. 490 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,400 It's a British photographer, David Slater his name is. 491 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,160 But the Copyright Office said that to be copyrightable, 492 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,240 a work must owe its origin to a human being. 493 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,320 And they've decided this wouldn't. 494 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,520 But of course it does owe its origin to him 495 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,960 because he set a camera up on a tripod, got the exposure correct, 496 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:58,960 and it so happened that the macaque pressed the button. 497 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:02,280 But to say that therefore he doesn't have copyright over that picture 498 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,520 - seems a bit extraordinary... - So every time they use that photo, 499 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,960 they were suggesting he consults the macaque? 500 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,520 Well, it's supposedly uncopyrightable 501 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:13,520 because copyright law only applies to humans. 502 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:17,760 But that's human technology, so that's that guy's phone or camera, 503 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:21,800 - so surely he should have the copyright. - This is our feeling too. 504 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:24,960 Which is why we have chosen to pay him for the rights 505 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:28,080 to the photograph, as you normally do on television. 506 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:29,800 If something's copyright, you pay... 507 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:32,960 So, someone said, "We're not paying you, you didn't take it."? 508 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:36,520 - Some have said that and he's annoyed about it. - He did a good pose, though. 509 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,760 He did, a terrific pose. 510 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:42,120 The chap on the right's about to actually take the camera 511 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:44,080 and that will end it all. 512 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:47,920 Anyway, how do you titillate this ocelot? 513 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,080 - Aww! - AUDIENCE: Aww! 514 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:51,920 Oh, you can't, surely... Do you? 515 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:53,920 It's probably vicious, though, isn't it? 516 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,360 I mean, these things will have your arm off, won't they? 517 00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:58,360 Well done for not saying the famous thing of 518 00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:00,480 - "How do you titillate an ocelot?" - Which is to...? 519 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:04,520 Oscillate its tit a lot. LAUGHTER 520 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:06,040 You don't do that. 521 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,600 This is tree ocelot, 522 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,080 which actually is better known by another name 523 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,280 which begins with our themed letter. 524 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:13,640 There it is. Beautiful animal. 525 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:15,440 - Oh. - Oh. - I've played with one... 526 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,280 A kitten one. ..they're absolutely extraordinary. 527 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:21,240 - They're called Margays. - Margays. 528 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:22,880 Margay. M-A-R-G-A-Y. Margay. 529 00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:24,120 - HUSKILY: - Margay. 530 00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:27,200 And they are a tree ocelot because, as you can see from that photo, 531 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:30,160 - they are tree-dwelling. - Have you shaved it, Stephen? 532 00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:31,880 LAUGHTER 533 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:35,280 They are almost unique amongst the cat family in that, 534 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:38,720 not only can they climb trees headfirst... 535 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,320 They can fell them with axes. 536 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:42,600 LAUGHTER 537 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,440 They can descend trees headfirst - 538 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,880 which no other cat, except the cloud leopard, can do. 539 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,080 - God, look at that. - There they are. - He's rappelling. 540 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:51,560 - He's rappelling down... - He is, isn't he? - Look at that. 541 00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:54,720 And they do this by revolving their ankles 180 degrees. 542 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:57,120 - It's astonishing. - Oh, that is fantastic. 543 00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:59,840 They really are extraordinary and so poised in balance, 544 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:01,840 but there are not many tree-living cats. 545 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:03,800 - Are their ankles...? - Margays? - Yep. 546 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,160 And the fact that other cats can't is the reason... 547 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,440 The cat stuck in the tree business. 548 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,240 They are stunning. 549 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:13,080 They live in central and southern America. 550 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:14,440 They can imitate... 551 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:16,960 The really rare thing about them, no other cat can do this, 552 00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:19,040 - they can imitate... - Paul Daniels. 553 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:20,360 LAUGHTER 554 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:23,200 - They can imitate... - All the characters from Coronation Street. 555 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:24,880 They can imitate Bruce Forsyth. 556 00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:27,040 HE IMITATES BRUCE FORSYTH 557 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,400 They imitate the calls of wild monkeys. 558 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:30,960 Jimmy Carr laughing. 559 00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:32,520 LAUGHTER 560 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:35,080 The pied tamarin is the famous one there. 561 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,280 - Look at that. - What is that... 562 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:40,680 head...submerged in fur? 563 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,640 That's a really cute body 564 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:46,360 - attached to the most hideous head I've ever seen. - LAUGHTER 565 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,480 Is that another selfie? 566 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:52,200 That's a selfie stick that it's holding. 567 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,800 It's a pied tamarin. I don't think it usually looks quite as... 568 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:57,760 Well, odd as that. 569 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:00,480 - A small little... Like a tree monkey? - Yep, exactly. 570 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:05,240 Yeah. Cats get stuck in trees because they can't get down again 571 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:08,400 - or they lose confidence. - They make such a fuss about it, don't they? 572 00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,520 Miaow! Miaow! 573 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,960 Get down, you twat, you did it yourself! 574 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,200 I throw things at them. 575 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:19,680 When they fall through the branches, scrabbling away, hilarious! 576 00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:23,680 And when they eventually hit the ground, they'll style it out 577 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:26,800 as though they meant to do that. "I wanted to get down, actually." 578 00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,400 In our beloved capital city alone, 579 00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:32,200 the fire brigade has a lot of trouble. 580 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:36,160 In 2012, they were rescuing a treed animal every 14 hours. 581 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,440 A waste of public funds. 582 00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:41,960 - Pretty much, isn't it? - They should do it with a big stick, just jab 'em. 583 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:44,800 - A lasso. - Half of them are cats, but they've also had 584 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,680 a chimpanzee trapped in a chimney in Tower Hamlets. 585 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:52,360 A puppy with its head stuck in an exercise machine in Hillingdon. 586 00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:54,560 A puppy's got to work out. 587 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:59,640 A kitten with its head stuck in a bongo drum in a flat. 588 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:01,440 Jazzy! 589 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:07,200 - I'd love to see that. I would love to see that. - A beatnik kitten. 590 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:09,080 Miaow! Miaow! 591 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:12,200 "You've got to get it out, it's cruel." "No, not for a bit." 592 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,920 Anyway, now, for a question about migration, 593 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:20,680 I'm going to ask you all to take out a map 594 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,600 that you should find beneath your desks. 595 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:24,200 - Oh, yeah. - There you are. 596 00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:27,040 And you've got some drawing to do on the map. 597 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:31,760 I want you to draw the extraordinary annual migration 598 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:34,160 of the North American blue grouse 599 00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:39,320 - as accurately as you can. - Right. North America. OK, so anywhere...? 600 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:41,360 Not Alaska, then? Is it Alaska? Could be Alaska? 601 00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:44,120 The point is that I don't tell you until... 602 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,840 - LAUGHTER - I've got a feeling... 603 00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:49,760 that they want to get to another bit of North America, 604 00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,840 - but they go the wrong way... - LAUGHTER 605 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,400 ..and they end up going all the way around the world 606 00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,040 - and landing on the other kind of... - OK, there you go. 607 00:28:58,040 --> 00:28:59,440 Florida for the sun 608 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:02,040 and then to the Carnival in Rio 609 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:03,920 and then to Sydney... 610 00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:05,600 By way of Cape Town, is it? 611 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:07,680 So they go to all the Mardi Gras? 612 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:10,480 Well, they go to all the Mardi Gras. They're just mad for it. 613 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:13,680 And then up here, where there's, like, 614 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:15,880 a cheese-rolling in Britain, they like that. 615 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:17,360 LAUGHTER 616 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:19,000 And then they're just knackered. 617 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:21,160 and the ones that are still alive, back home. 618 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:23,040 It's a fantastic route. 619 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:24,840 I just think that sort of 620 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:28,760 they go... just on a trip round South America 621 00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:31,560 just to have a look - might as well make a day of it. 622 00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,080 - I reckon they go about a mile to the next village. - Yeah. 623 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:36,760 Well, I think what happens is they start off 624 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:39,960 and they overshoot, and they end up going completely round, 625 00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:42,000 not hitting any landmass at all, and they think, 626 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,640 "We'll give it one more go," and they end up in Colchester. 627 00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:48,520 They've no idea, but, for millennia they've ended up in Colchester. 628 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:51,400 And yours... Show the ladies and gentlemen. 629 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:53,200 LAUGHTER 630 00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:56,880 APPLAUSE 631 00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,080 Oh, dear. 632 00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:07,520 Well, wouldn't it be funny if you were right? 633 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:08,880 You're trying not to smile. 634 00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:11,240 - You're trying not to. - I don't want to look at it. 635 00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:13,960 - You like it. - I don't like it. I don't like it. 636 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,480 "Do I like these? I don't like these." 637 00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:19,840 - It's funny. - I don't like it. 638 00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:21,600 - OK... - I don't like it! 639 00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:23,720 Stop that. OK. 640 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:25,840 Incredibly, 641 00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,600 closest to the truth was Alan. 642 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,760 LAUGHTER 643 00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:33,000 APPLAUSE 644 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:35,760 Hold on. 645 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,840 Not...in your drawing 646 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:41,680 - but in the remark you... - My first idea that they leave America, 647 00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:43,720 go round the world and land in America again? 648 00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:46,640 - No. In the remark you just made to Bill. - What? 649 00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:48,120 "I reckon they just..." 650 00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:50,240 Go about a mile to the next village. 651 00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:51,720 Yes! 652 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:53,440 It's even less than that. 653 00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:57,040 Its extraordinary migration is 300 yards. 654 00:30:57,040 --> 00:30:58,640 LAUGHTER 655 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,520 APPLAUSE 656 00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:05,720 My kind of bird. 657 00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:08,480 I love the thought of them packing their cases... 658 00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:11,280 - Leaving a note for the milkman. - Are we nearly there yet? 659 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,240 "Unplug the telly!" 660 00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:16,040 Every spring, it goes down to its breeding grounds 661 00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:19,160 and then, in the autumn, it schleps all the way back up the hill again. 662 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:21,920 - That's... - Does it take a long time? 663 00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:24,960 On foot, by the way. Not even flying. 664 00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:28,160 I mean, they are massive, aren't they? Based on those footprints. 665 00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:29,640 LAUGHTER 666 00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:31,640 Enormous. Yes. 667 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:36,120 The name for the insatiable urge to migrate is Zugunruhe. 668 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:39,080 It's German for movement and restlessness. 669 00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:42,440 - GERMAN ACCENT: - Zugunruhe! - LAUGHTER 670 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:46,480 But anyway, where does a marsh warbler go for singing lessons? 671 00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:51,080 - A marsh warbler...? - Marsh warbler. - Do they copy other birds' songs? 672 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:52,800 Is it one of those? 673 00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:56,000 - Take a lot of points. - Come on, points. 674 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:59,440 APPLAUSE You're absolutely right. 675 00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:03,440 Mimicry. 676 00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:07,400 Usually, you think a bird learns its musical repertoire from its parents 677 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:09,320 and almost all birds do. 678 00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:10,760 The marsh warbler doesn't, 679 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:13,480 because its parents stop singing before it hatches. 680 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:17,240 It's got 31 European and 45 African species 681 00:32:17,240 --> 00:32:19,040 in their repertoire. 682 00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:21,880 So, they sound like all the birds of Africa and Europe to us. 683 00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:23,920 And they can switch from one to another...? 684 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:27,520 Yeah, because they're just imitating all the different ones around them. 685 00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:30,400 Do they have the own distinctive one, or is just a composite? 686 00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:33,600 No. You can never tell it's a marsh warbler by listening. 687 00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:35,240 We can hear one. 688 00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:38,720 MARSH WARBLER SINGS 689 00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:42,400 We might have a bird expert in saying, "Ah, it is imitating the..." 690 00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:46,080 If you got a marsh warbler in and you just played it... 691 00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:48,880 Taylor Swift or something, would it start...? 692 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:50,040 LAUGHTER 693 00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:51,920 Because that's your go-to thing, is it? 694 00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:54,600 I've got a marsh warbler, I want to see what this can do. 695 00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:57,640 - Let's get some Taylor Swift... - LAUGHTER 696 00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,880 Swift, oddly enough, great birdies. 697 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:02,880 Taylor Swallow. 698 00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:05,080 BILL CHUCKLES 699 00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:07,320 LAUGHTER 700 00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:11,480 No, you're going into dangerous territory there. 701 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:13,240 Dear, oh, dear. 702 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:15,320 That's excellent. 703 00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:17,040 "Taylor Swallow." 704 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:18,880 LAUGHTER 705 00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:22,040 I'm going to play you a bird song right now... 706 00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:24,680 I had a dream about that the other night. 707 00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:27,160 LAUGHTER 708 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,760 - No need. - I'm going to play you a bird song. 709 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:31,240 - BILL: - No need for that. 710 00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,920 BIRD SONG What's this? 711 00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:36,200 BIRD SONG 712 00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:39,200 "Help me. Help me! 713 00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:41,320 "He's shaving me again." 714 00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:42,640 LAUGHTER 715 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:45,480 - So, we've got it over there. - "You can't park here." 716 00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:47,320 That quite close, "Can't park." 717 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:49,360 - Illegal item in the bagging area. - Morepork! 718 00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:52,160 - Got it. Morepork! - Morepork. - Morepork. 719 00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:53,680 There it is on the left. 720 00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:57,120 It's also a Tasmanian owl but it's called a morepork. 721 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:00,480 - I thought you had just translated what that meant. - Yeah. 722 00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:01,840 LAUGHTER 723 00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:05,000 He said, "More pork." Correct. He's asking for more pork. 724 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:07,800 - He's asking for more pork. Yes. - LAUGHTER 725 00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:10,040 And we've heard the marsh warbler. 726 00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:12,920 The monotonous lark is so-called cos it's monotonous. 727 00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:14,760 A monotonous lark. 728 00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:16,960 "Come on, we're going on a monotonous lark." 729 00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:20,960 - LAUGHTER - "We're going on a narrow-boat holiday in Norfolk." 730 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:22,440 LAUGHTER 731 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:25,240 THAT is a monotonous lark. 732 00:34:25,240 --> 00:34:27,000 I went on one of those. 733 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:30,280 "Oh, that'll will be fun. Let's go on a narrow-boat holiday," 734 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:32,680 and everyone was taking turns doing the engine. 735 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:34,440 Cut to a couple of miles later, 736 00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:37,960 everyone downstairs drinking wine. Me upstairs... 737 00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:40,080 HE MIMICS ENGINE 738 00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:42,560 ..for three days. 739 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:44,320 Three days like that... 740 00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:46,680 HE MIMICS ENGINE 741 00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:48,320 "Do you want a glass of wine, Bill?" 742 00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:50,440 "No, no, I'm fine up here. I'll be fine." 743 00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:53,160 - HE MIMICS ENGINE - Worst weekend of my life. 744 00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:57,880 I just want you to know that nothing involving Norfolk is ever monotonous. 745 00:34:57,880 --> 00:34:59,160 LAUGHTER 746 00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:01,000 - The marabou stork... - Oh, yeah. 747 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:03,560 ..is often given the label, 748 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:05,680 "the ugliest bird in the animal kingdom..." 749 00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:08,680 - That's not fair. - OK, name an uglier one. 750 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:11,480 - All right. - Don't make me say it. 751 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:14,920 No! LAUGHTER 752 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:17,440 - Edwina Currie. - Oh! 753 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,520 Avian... 754 00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:21,880 One of the reasons it's considered so ugly is... 755 00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:23,600 SUE LAUGHS 756 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:28,080 Edwina Currie, really? I wouldn't have gone straight there. 757 00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:32,200 - It was a good choice, wasn't it? I went through a couple. - It was safer. 758 00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:33,680 It was like you had it... 759 00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:35,880 "Don't make me say it - Edwina Currie." 760 00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:39,440 And I DIDN'T make you say that. 761 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:42,520 The reason the marabou stork is considered so ugly, perhaps, 762 00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:45,640 is not just its appearance. It's because of its behaviour. 763 00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:47,280 It's peevish. 764 00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:50,040 Well, it squirts its excrement onto its legs, 765 00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:51,840 such that... They are black, 766 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:54,760 but they become white because they get dried on, caked on... 767 00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:56,920 That's laziness, isn't it? 768 00:35:56,920 --> 00:36:00,120 If Montgomery Burns, from The Simpsons, was a bird... 769 00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:02,880 - That would be! You're right. - That would be it, yeah. 770 00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:04,960 It dumps on its own leg... 771 00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:06,760 - AS MR BURNS: - Poo on my legs, excellent. 772 00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:08,840 LAUGHTER 773 00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:11,120 They'll eat just about any creature, living or dead, 774 00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:12,880 along with faeces, scraps, carrion, 775 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:15,600 human rubbish including shoes and pieces of metal. 776 00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:17,480 They're pretty dodgy creatures. 777 00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:18,680 LAUGHTER 778 00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:21,360 Marsh warblers just make it up as they go along. 779 00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:22,760 ALAN LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY 780 00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:24,560 Now for a question about metamor... 781 00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:26,400 LAUGHTER 782 00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:28,160 What happened while I was reading...? 783 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:31,520 I had my back turned to you and I was looking at the blackboard. 784 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:33,120 Honestly, sir. Nothing, sir. 785 00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:36,560 No, sir, Davies showed me a picture of a penis, sir. 786 00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:38,760 LAUGHTER 787 00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:40,800 - He showed me that, sir. - Sir, sir. 788 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:43,840 - That is not a penis. - Sir, sir, look at Bailey's drawing of a penis, sir. 789 00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:45,200 I never drew a thing, sir. 790 00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:47,760 What's wrong with his penis if he draws one like that, sir?! 791 00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:49,320 He drew a penis on the world. 792 00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:51,680 He drew a penis on the world! 793 00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:54,000 That's got... That's illegal, isn't it? 794 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:55,360 LAUGHTER 795 00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:56,480 Oh, Lord. 796 00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:59,200 LAUGHTER 797 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:02,360 Now it's time to stumble blindly into the morass of General Ignorance. 798 00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:04,000 Fingers on buzzers. All right. 799 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:07,040 Where does a mosquito go to concentrate? 800 00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:09,840 SQUAWK Yes, Bill. 801 00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,280 - A blood bank. - LAUGHTER 802 00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:14,640 Very good. APPLAUSE 803 00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:19,560 - Library. - Library? Oh, no, Sue! KLAXON BLARES 804 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:24,680 Of course, the word "concentrate" can mean different things 805 00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:26,320 and we mean a concentrate... 806 00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:29,120 - Where's the greatest concentration... - Oh, I see. 807 00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:30,400 ..of mozzies? Where? 808 00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:32,400 - A marsh. - Near rivers and things. 809 00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:35,880 - Yeah, well... - Swamps. - Where? 810 00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:38,480 - Africa? - KLAXON BLARES 811 00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:39,600 Not Africa. 812 00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:44,520 Scotland. Mediterranean. 813 00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:45,960 Loads of midges in Scotland. 814 00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:47,720 Midges, yes, but these are mosquitoes. 815 00:37:47,720 --> 00:37:49,400 - Specifically mosquitoes. - Portugal. 816 00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:51,560 It's that quantity, you don't get that in Africa, 817 00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:53,720 - you don't get that in... - Where's that? - ..Panama, 818 00:37:53,720 --> 00:37:55,400 you don't get that in south-east Asia. 819 00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:56,880 You get that only in the Arctic. 820 00:37:56,880 --> 00:37:59,000 Oh. The Arctic. Oh. 821 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:00,720 In Alaska and Manitoba. 822 00:38:00,720 --> 00:38:03,440 Where there's virtually nothing alive with no blood anywhere. 823 00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:05,480 I've never seen... I've been to Alaska lots 824 00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:06,720 and never seen a mosquito. 825 00:38:06,720 --> 00:38:08,760 - Well, you have to be there at... - The right time. 826 00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:10,320 Or wrong time, really, yeah. 827 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:12,080 There's the beauty that is Alaska, 828 00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:13,720 and the standing pools of water 829 00:38:13,720 --> 00:38:15,520 are perfect for mosquito breeding. 830 00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:18,720 Yes, the densest concentrations of mosquitoes in the world 831 00:38:18,720 --> 00:38:20,280 are in the Arctic. 832 00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:22,440 Including all the animals, 833 00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:25,480 on average, how many legs does an animal have? 834 00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:27,920 What's the average number of legs that animals have? 835 00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:29,960 - Oh, you... That's tough... - All living things. 836 00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:31,920 - ..because you've got to balance... - Three! 837 00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:34,080 - ..a millipede... - KLAXON BLARES 838 00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:35,920 LAUGHTER 839 00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:39,040 My guess is that most numbers will be in the system. 840 00:38:39,040 --> 00:38:40,240 LAUGHTER 841 00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:43,480 APPLAUSE 842 00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:52,640 I mean, there are billions of things like ants, aren't there? 843 00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:55,320 There are. Insects. Gigantic. They have six. 844 00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:56,920 That must bump the average right up. 845 00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:59,320 There are huge numbers of mites and they all have eight. 846 00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:01,360 And then you've got millipedes and centipedes. 847 00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:03,360 - But lots of them have none. - Worms have got none. 848 00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:06,280 - Stick with that thought. - So, worms have got no legs. - Slugs have none. 849 00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:07,640 One! One leg! 850 00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:09,920 - That's it. - That the closest we've got. 851 00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:11,840 I'm afraid it's not... KLAXON BLARES 852 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:14,440 - LAUGHTER - Is it no legs? 853 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,880 Well, it's... 0.01 is the average. 854 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:18,400 Because there's that many worms. 855 00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:20,320 - Because... - Is this cos of fish? 856 00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:23,400 No, it's because of nematodes. 857 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:24,720 ALL: Oh. 858 00:39:24,720 --> 00:39:26,120 Yeah, they're a sort of worm. 859 00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:27,560 There are ten to the power of 22, 860 00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:29,080 which is a vast number, on Earth. 861 00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:30,360 What is that?! 862 00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:32,000 100 times more than there are mites 863 00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:34,600 and 1,000 times more than there are insects. 864 00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:37,240 There's a parasitic nematode that lives in the human eye... 865 00:39:37,240 --> 00:39:38,720 Oh! My God. 866 00:39:38,720 --> 00:39:41,120 ..and it can grow to seven centimetres long, 867 00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:42,480 - which is... - What?! - ..serious. 868 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:45,120 AUDIENCE GROAN Wahey! 869 00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:46,840 - No, we don't want to see that. - Come on. 870 00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:49,240 How can you tell if you've got a nematode in your eye? 871 00:39:49,240 --> 00:39:50,840 Would you feel it wriggling around? 872 00:39:50,840 --> 00:39:53,960 Would it be wiggling...? Would you see it moving, for example? 873 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:57,960 - You'd hear it talking. - If it's like that, a friend would see it. 874 00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:00,760 A friend would say, "Oh, just a sec till I get the corner of my hanky, 875 00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:02,720 "you've got an... enormous worm in your eye!" 876 00:40:05,520 --> 00:40:06,720 LAUGHTER 877 00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:14,920 - Yes. Hypocrite. First cast out the nematode in your eye. - Yes. 878 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:17,720 Judge not that you be not judged. 879 00:40:17,720 --> 00:40:19,880 Yes, so many animals are completely legless 880 00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:22,400 that the overall average is about 100th of a leg each. 881 00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:24,600 Finally, a question about macropods. 882 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,440 How many legs does a kangaroo have? 883 00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:29,200 Oh, don't say any numbers. 884 00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:30,800 Don't say any numbers. 885 00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:34,000 LAUGHTER 886 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:36,400 Do you know my favourite bit in Toy Story? 887 00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:40,040 - Go on. - It's the dinosaur that's got little arms, right? - Yeah. 888 00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:41,680 And he doesn't want to see something - 889 00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:43,760 something terrible is happening - and he goes, 890 00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:45,360 "Somebody cover my eyes!" 891 00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:48,000 LAUGHTER 892 00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:51,240 That is a brilliant moment. 893 00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:53,440 I love that bit. 894 00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:56,400 Two. Two. 895 00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:57,880 KLAXON BLARES 896 00:40:57,880 --> 00:40:59,760 LAUGHTER 897 00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:02,200 It won't be nought or four either. 898 00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:04,640 "How many legs...?" 899 00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:06,600 How many LEGS has it got? 900 00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:10,040 2.5. 901 00:41:10,040 --> 00:41:12,080 Well, you won't like this answer, but... 902 00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:15,120 Simon Fraser University in Burnaby, Canada, 903 00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:17,600 corralled red kangaroos through a chamber 904 00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:19,800 which measured the downward forces. 905 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:22,680 They discovered that kangaroos put their front legs on the ground 906 00:41:22,680 --> 00:41:24,400 and move their back legs forwards 907 00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:27,200 at the same time as they push their tail onto the floor 908 00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:29,280 and use it to propel themselves forward. 909 00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:31,560 The team found that the amount of force from the tail 910 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:34,160 was as great as that from the other four limbs combined... 911 00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:36,600 - So it's five? - ..making it effectively a fifth leg, 912 00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:39,240 so not just a fifth leg, but the most important of the five. 913 00:41:39,240 --> 00:41:40,560 Yeah. 914 00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:42,160 It's a tail, though, isn't it? 915 00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:45,200 It is a tail, but it's a kind of limb. 916 00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:46,960 Well, if you'd said limbs... 917 00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:49,000 # Hey hey, we're the Monkees. # 918 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:51,120 - Yes, sir? - Five. 919 00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:52,640 LAUGHTER 920 00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:55,240 - No, no, you can't have that. - No, he can't. He can't. 921 00:41:55,240 --> 00:41:57,200 He can't have that. 922 00:41:57,200 --> 00:41:59,440 Absolutely not. 923 00:41:59,440 --> 00:42:02,800 Minus 5 for rank standing impertinence. 924 00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:05,680 The point is, you could cut off - not that you should, obviously - 925 00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:07,720 a kangaroo's forearms or arms 926 00:42:07,720 --> 00:42:09,520 and it could get around perfectly happily 927 00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:11,600 and you could cut off one of its rear legs and even 928 00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:13,280 it could still hop and get around - 929 00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:15,160 but if you cut off its tail, it couldn't... 930 00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:17,680 - You'd be a sadistic bastard. - LAUGHTER 931 00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:19,880 Which scientist conducted that experiment? 932 00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:21,160 LAUGHTER 933 00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:23,600 Kangaroos have almost five legs above average, 934 00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:27,320 which brings me to, miraculously, the scores. 935 00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:29,280 - BILL: - Oh, no. - Oh, dear. 936 00:42:29,280 --> 00:42:30,640 Oh, my good night. 937 00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:35,440 Well, nobody managed to push through into a positive number, I'm afraid. 938 00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:38,320 But our least successful on minus 28... 939 00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:39,480 Aww. 940 00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:42,960 I know why, and it's... Oh, Sue Perkins. 941 00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:45,480 - SHE LAUGHS - "I know why." 942 00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:46,560 APPLAUSE 943 00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:53,200 In third place, on minus 8, is Romesh. 944 00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:56,080 Oh, yes! APPLAUSE 945 00:42:56,080 --> 00:42:58,920 APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH 946 00:42:58,920 --> 00:43:01,760 And please don't fall off these dizzy heights. 947 00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:04,800 Alan Davies on minus 3. CHEERING 948 00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:08,080 - APPLAUSE - Pretty pleased with that. 949 00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:12,680 And our super soaraway winner on minus 1 is Bill Bailey. 950 00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:14,520 CHEERING 951 00:43:14,520 --> 00:43:15,840 APPLAUSE 952 00:43:21,640 --> 00:43:25,360 So, it's goodnight from Romesh, Sue, Bill, Alan and me. 953 00:43:25,360 --> 00:43:28,120 You have been magnificent, and I want you to stay that way. 954 00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:29,840 Many thanks, and goodnight. 955 00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:31,400 APPLAUSE