1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,520 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:34,240 APPLAUSE 3 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:37,160 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 4 00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,760 good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, 5 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:43,120 and welcome to QI. 6 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:48,040 Tonight...we are musing on the medieval and the macabre. 7 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:52,840 Joining me in the Dark Ages are King of the Castle, David Mitchell! 8 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:56,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:59,000 Queen of the May, Julia Zemiro! 10 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,200 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,760 Lord of the Manor, Matt Lucas. 12 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:07,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:10,040 And a knight on the tiles, Alan Davies. 14 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:12,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:20,160 And their buzzers are all very much connected with middle age. 16 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,560 David goes... 17 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,600 MONKS CHANTING 18 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,360 LAUGHTER 19 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:28,080 Julia goes... 20 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,680 MONKS CHANTING 21 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:34,520 It's the Middle Ages, all right. Matt goes... 22 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:36,800 MONKS CHANTING 23 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,480 And Alan goes... 24 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:44,960 Dear Sir, why, oh, why, oh, why must we always have endless monks 25 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,720 chanting on the BBC? 26 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:48,760 LAUGHTER 27 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:56,600 Which of these did they not have in the Middle Ages? 28 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,480 - Oh. - Swee... No. 29 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:00,240 LAUGHTER 30 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:02,000 - Iron maiden. - Well... 31 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:05,960 - They didn't have Iron... - I am aware there is a group. 32 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,280 LAUGHTER 33 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,440 The most medieval thing seems that thing with the spikes that you put 34 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,840 someone in. That'll be the thing they didn't actually have then. 35 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,200 You are absolutely right! 36 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,760 APPLAUSE 37 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:27,680 The iron maiden, as you say, that sort of sarcophagus with spikes, 38 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:32,200 they weren't even thought of, or imagined, until 1793. 39 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:36,280 Oh, I was going to say, I thought they were invented by Paul Daniels or someone. 40 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:39,280 The Spanish Inquisition, must be the Spanish Inquisition. 41 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,240 They weren't used in the Spanish Inquisition 42 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,360 because they weren't invented until 1793, which was... 43 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,600 LAUGHTER 44 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,280 My favourite one from the Spanish Inquisition... 45 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:52,600 was they put a pole up your anus, 46 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,400 and they do it in such a way that it 47 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:58,000 avoids all of your vital organs and comes out by your shoulder. 48 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,960 And then just leave you there for people to look at. 49 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,600 LAUGHTER 50 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,640 I like the first part of that. 51 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,840 LAUGHTER 52 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,760 Actual poles, not a Polish gentleman, it is 53 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,880 - an actual pole. - LAUGHTER 54 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,760 Less keen, less keen. 55 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:20,600 - I thought an iron maiden was a chastity belt. - No. 56 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,160 They call that a chastity belt. 57 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,440 LAUGHTER 58 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,680 So, they didn't ever exist? 59 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,360 Well, in 1793, 60 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:33,880 an archaeologist by the name of Johann Siebenkees gave an account of one, which was a hoax. 61 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:38,800 And then 100 years or so later, a guy called Matthias Pfau, had one 62 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,240 installed in Kyburg, his Swiss castle, as a visitor attraction. 63 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:45,080 It became the prototype for all the other iron maidens that were 64 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:47,200 used in museums and movies. 65 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:49,760 So they hadn't really been used as a method of torture. 66 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,360 No, that's what I mean. They were just a hoax for centuries. 67 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,920 - IN COCKNEY ACCENT: - "Here's one for you. Here's one for you." 68 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,280 - What a weird hoax. - LAUGHTER 69 00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,040 Actually, if you think about it, 70 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,880 what they wanted to do in the Middle Ages is find a way of killing 71 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,720 people as gradually as possible, which is essentially... 72 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,880 Because it is going to kill them immediately, 73 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,240 and you don't even get to see it happening. 74 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:12,520 And they don't recant their heresy or whatever it is they were guilty of. 75 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:16,440 Yeah, they hadn't invented Perspex until 1974. 76 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:18,800 It would be a dead giveaway they weren't medieval 77 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,600 if they had a Perspex front. 78 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,520 LAUGHTER 79 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,320 Made by the people who brought you stripper heels. 80 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:27,080 LAUGHTER 81 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:30,920 If we go back to my little manuscript word cloud, 82 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,600 maybe the other ones didn't exist in medieval times. 83 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,480 There wasn't much cardboard about. 84 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,920 If there were greeting cards, they wouldn't have been... 85 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:41,360 - Not big readers, either, not many people could read. - Exactly. 86 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,800 But in fact, there were single sheet woodcuts 87 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:47,280 found from the mid-15th century, with pictures on them, 88 00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:50,000 wishing the recipient a very good year, even. 89 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,400 - It seems a rather modern idea. - Sorry... 90 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,120 LAUGHTER 91 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:59,160 But those banderoles with the little bubbles were very popular. 92 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:02,200 And they would say things, not, "Sorry you've been unwell," 93 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:04,880 but things like, "A very good year." So they did exist. 94 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:08,760 What else might have existed, or did exist, in that era? 95 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,680 Sweet-and-sour sauce, definitely. 96 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:14,360 Yes, they called it sour-sweet, in fact. Aigre-doux. 97 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,480 And they used vinegar and sugar, cinnamon, orange, onions. 98 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:19,560 Whatever they could get their hands on. 99 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,320 Didn't they use onions to sweeten things? 100 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:25,200 Onions do contain more sugar than sugar beets, 101 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,000 as long as you cook them. 102 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,720 - Hence the caramelised...you know. - They are a bit oniony, though, as well. 103 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,400 LAUGHTER 104 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,760 They can be sweet, 105 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:38,320 but you wouldn't want too many puddings being that oniony. 106 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:42,080 It's true, they're not that sweet. Because if you ever go to the freezer 107 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:45,960 and you go for a Mini Milk, and you've left a bag of onion rings 108 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,400 next to the Mini Milks in the freezer... 109 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,840 LAUGHTER 110 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:53,280 It doesn't taste too nice. 111 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:56,120 The Mini Milks taste a bit oniony. 112 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:59,400 IN AMERICAN ACCENT: What I do when I, you know, 113 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:03,960 slow roast a belly of pork is I take 114 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:07,160 an onion, a large onion, 115 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:11,000 and the juices from the pork go down, and the onion roasts, 116 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,840 and it is so sweet, it is... I swear you'll believe 117 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:18,400 you're eating...a Haribo..Har... 118 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,400 LAUGHTER 119 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,360 - Haribo? - Are you possessed at the moment? 120 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,240 LAUGHTER 121 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:31,240 We'll find a medieval cure for it. 122 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:34,800 During the Spanish Inquisition, they put a Mini Milk up your arse... 123 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,920 LAUGHTER 124 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:41,000 - What is a Mini Milk? - What is a Mini Milk? 125 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 126 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,600 Oh, dear. 127 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:50,280 Is it one of those sweets that looks like a tiny bottle of milk? 128 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:53,720 - No, it's an ice cream on a stick, basically. - It is basically... 129 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:56,400 When you want a Magnum and your mum won't buy you a Magnum, 130 00:06:56,400 --> 00:07:01,000 - you get a Mini Milk. - And you keep those with onion rings? - No, I didn't! 131 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,800 LAUGHTER 132 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:06,640 I have separate shelves. You've got to keep sweet... Put me on camera. 133 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,120 - You've got to keep... - LAUGHTER 134 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,840 You've got to keep sweet and savoury separate in freezers, 135 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,400 guys, come on! 136 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,240 LAUGHTER 137 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,720 Mini Milks are nice. They are like, I don't know, if you can't get a Sparkle, 138 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:22,600 - get a Mini Milk, I don't know. - What's a Sparkle? - Oh, dear. 139 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:26,520 - What's your ice cream of choice? - I used to like Mivvis when I was a boy. 140 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:32,640 - That's the point! Now I'm an adult! - Right. - I eat olives. 141 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:34,480 And I eat cheese. 142 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,360 LAUGHTER 143 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:40,880 - This has all gone very weird. - You started it. 144 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,960 We are a long way... I want to live in the Middle Ages now, 145 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,320 because they seem to have grown-up food. 146 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:47,800 LAUGHTER 147 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,680 Question from the floor, Mr Fry. What is a prefab? 148 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,680 Oh, don't you have those in Australia? 149 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:56,240 - I don't know. - It means a sort of modular building that is made outside 150 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,680 the site and then brought to it and assembled. 151 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,040 It is associated with low-cost housing. 152 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:05,280 - The Duchess of Cambridge grew up in one. - Did she? 153 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,680 No. 154 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:09,600 LAUGHTER 155 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,360 Because she grew up on an estate. 156 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:16,680 I just like the fact that people think she was common as muck. 157 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,840 - William the Conqueror had prefabs, didn't he? - Did he? 158 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:23,320 Didn't they bring prefab castles over with... 159 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,280 Not the Normandy landings, the other way round. 160 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:30,160 The Hasting landings. They brought... 161 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,400 Because all the plug sockets are different here, 162 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,000 and they wanted their own... 163 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,600 LAUGHTER 164 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,080 An example of prefab housing that we have is the Vikings, in fact, 165 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,400 who, when they invaded Orkney, found there was virtually nowhere to live, 166 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:48,200 and so they came back with supplies, on longboats, of prefab little houses. 167 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:52,920 And that's presumably where Vikings got the idea of flat-pack... 168 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:54,880 LAUGHTER 169 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:59,560 Have you noticed that the current Vikings have decided 170 00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:03,320 - it should be described as "ickier", not IKEA. - It is ridiculous. 171 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,240 - As in, "more icky"? - "More icky", yes. 172 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,960 There is a voice-over now that goes on about "ickier". 173 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,040 - Strange. - Oh, they can fick off, then. 174 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,240 LAUGHTER 175 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,720 APPLAUSE 176 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,280 That leaves us, I think, with official commemorative merchandise. 177 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,240 Would that be if you went to... 178 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:27,240 They used to be very keen on seeing a rotting old bit of a saint. 179 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,960 Very much so. If you were medieval, there was 180 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,360 one saint who was more or less contemporary, who was a martyr. 181 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:37,160 And they would stop off at this cathedral where he was murdered, 182 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:41,080 - famously. Who would that be? - Thomas Becket. - Thomas Becket. - Points! 183 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:46,160 - Points! - Points! Solid points. In the 12th century, Thomas Becket was killed by Henry II. 184 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,880 And they immediately tried to sell his blood, 185 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,760 and that ran out rather quickly, so they diluted it. 186 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:57,880 But also they sold little swords, little simulacra of the sword that 187 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,200 had stabbed him, and you could buy one of those. And it was official. 188 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,960 - It was, as it were, stamped. - It's still got a shop in the cathedral. 189 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,360 Exactly. 190 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:11,160 The Middle Ages, in fact, featured lots of very useful inventions, 191 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:14,040 but tell me, what has been called "the wickedest, silliest, 192 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:18,200 "most insane and most disastrous book in world literature?" 193 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,360 - The Liar by Stephen Fry. - Ah! 194 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:22,160 LAUGHTER 195 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,160 - It probably is. - Mein Kampf. 196 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,400 That would be a very sensible guess. 197 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:29,560 And in the interests of balance, The Da Vinci Code also. 198 00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:32,360 KLAXON 199 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,680 APPLAUSE 200 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,560 These self-help books. 201 00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:41,800 The books that say, 202 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,120 "If you just change the way you think, you'll be fine." 203 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,760 I mean, you know, everyone has got a mood board for something. 204 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,480 So, maybe there was a medieval mood board of some kind. 205 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,360 You're right to mention the medieval era, 206 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:56,800 - because it was a book of the 15th century. - Foxe's Book Of Martyrs. 207 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,720 No, that was a little later. But let me give you its title. 208 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,560 Malleus Maleficorum. MeleficARUM, I beg your pardon. 209 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:05,120 That's the point. If you know your Latin, that means... 210 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,680 Malleus, does it...? If you take the US off 211 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:11,760 - and put a T... - Mallet. - Mallet. Hammer. Malleus is hammer. 212 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,960 Timmy Mallett's autobiography. 213 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,640 LAUGHTER 214 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,280 Sorry, I'm bringing the tone down, I know. 215 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:23,720 Is it... Mal... Is that like "the bad-doing hammer" thing? 216 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:26,040 It is "of the". That's genitive. 217 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:27,880 Come on, boy, that's genitive. 218 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,560 LAUGHTER 219 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,400 So, it is "the hammer of...the bad-doing people." 220 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,440 But the "arum", not "orum", tells you it's bad... 221 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,280 - Doing women. - Yes. 222 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,800 - Bad-doing women and their hammer! - No. 223 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:44,560 The hammer of. I want to be the hammer of them. I want to beat them down. 224 00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:49,760 - The crazy Witches of Eastwick. - Witches. - Witches. - You said it. You said it. We got there. 225 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:53,680 - We're supposed to hammer them? - The hammer of the witches is what that means. 226 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:57,600 - So it's not... They don't own the hammer. - No. - We own the hammer and we hammer away at them. 227 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,680 I am more confused than when I talked about Mini Milk. I... 228 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,320 LAUGHTER 229 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:10,200 We had a Latin parsing essay in which The Malleus Maleficarum turned out to mean The Hammer of Witches... 230 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:16,760 - Wow. - ..the way to beat witches, and this was a textbook about how to destroy 231 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:21,040 and find witches. It was strange because it was mid-15th century. 232 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:25,520 In the mid-15th century, the Church banned belief in witches. 233 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,680 So this wasn't a time of witch burnings or anything of the nature 234 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:33,800 but the very nature of the success of the book meant that a slow 235 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:38,600 movement grew in which witches should be found, burned and tortured. 236 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:42,320 This book was therefore called the silliest, most wicked book written 237 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:46,080 because it made appalling claims about women, that for example, 238 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:49,880 - that they dispossessed men of their penises. - As if(!) 239 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,400 LAUGHTER 240 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:55,280 They would take their penises, put them on a tray and the penises would 241 00:12:55,280 --> 00:13:00,920 wander around of their own volition eating...eating oats and corn. 242 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,800 LAUGHTER 243 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,800 - Not maize corn. - With a simple pecking motion. 244 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,760 LAUGHTER 245 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:09,400 Or with a suction. 246 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,160 - How would they do it? - There's a theory. 247 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,840 Do you know the theory about the witch's broomstick, 248 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:16,880 about how it might have developed? 249 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,680 Yeah, they put it up your anus... 250 00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:20,560 LAUGHTER 251 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,600 It's funny you should say that 252 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:26,560 - cos, yes, they put them up their anus. - What? 253 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:31,920 You may say, why would a woman stick a broomstick up her botty? 254 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:35,120 I'm so glad we're having this conversation. 255 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,040 LAUGHTER 256 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:41,840 But anyway, the point is there is a substance that has been accused, 257 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:45,160 if you like, throughout history, of being behind a lot of episodes 258 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:48,040 of mass hysteria and hallucination and so on 259 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,320 and the substance is called ergot. 260 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:53,480 - Have you heard of ergot? - No. Where can you get it? 261 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,440 You can get it if you live near a field of rye. 262 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:59,840 Where rye grows. It is a fungus that grows on rye. 263 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:04,560 Its spores can be breathed in and it is not unlike lysergic acid, 264 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:08,080 which is the L of LSD, and it causes weird trips. 265 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:11,360 Now, with any drug there are different ways of ingesting it. 266 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:15,080 - Intranasally, orally... - Or on a broomstick up your arse. 267 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:18,440 ..intravenously or in a suppository form. 268 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:22,600 - Right. - So one way would be to take it and to grease up your... 269 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,280 LAUGHTER 270 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,640 - I'm not making this up. - Grease up your pole with ergot. 271 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:31,000 Grease up your pole and scatter it with bits of ergot and then, "Whoo!" 272 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,320 LAUGHTER 273 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:36,960 And you only... You feel like you're flying. 274 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,080 LAUGHTER 275 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,080 That's basically it. You then get your... 276 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:44,840 What does that mean? How much ergot are those kids at Hogwarts getting through? 277 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,280 LAUGHTER 278 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:52,320 - It's not appropriate to encourage that kind of drug taking in the young. - It isn't. 279 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:55,320 And there is another theory that it was actually intra-vaginal 280 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,280 - rather than intra-anal... JULIA: - Lovely(!) 281 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,840 ..so that it was covered on the broom and then it went smoothly up. 282 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:03,240 I can't see anything smooth about this at all. 283 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,040 LAUGHTER 284 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,200 - I don't know. - Owww! 285 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,840 Do you want to apply it, do you? Do that yourself?! 286 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,280 You'd be a great gynaecologist, though, Stephen 287 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:16,240 cos because you're very calm the way you're explaining everything. 288 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:17,360 LAUGHTER 289 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:22,080 Let's get more decent here. What did old Mummy Pettigrew do? 290 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:28,800 - Wow. - Is there a clue in the picture? - No. The picture is there to deceive. 291 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:34,800 - The key is in the M word, this being the M series. - Was she a Mother Superior of a nunnery? 292 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:38,440 - No, she wasn't. - No. - Was she a Morrissey fan? 293 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,960 - This could take a long time, couldn't it? - Yes, it could. 294 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:45,440 - Madonna.... - I'm assuming she wasn't a dead Egyptian. 295 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,880 Ah, no, SHE wasn't. 296 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:51,520 - All right, Mummy Pettigrew - not female. - Oh, right. 297 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:57,240 If I was very interested in beetles, you might call me Beetle Fry, 298 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:00,360 and if I was very interested in mummies, you might call me Mummy Fry, 299 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:01,840 so, Mummy Pettigrew... 300 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,280 ..was a Mr Pettigrew who was obsessed with Egyptology. 301 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:05,560 - On the money. - Ah. 302 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,320 And here you are, exactly, and there is a picture of him. 303 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:09,800 He was quite well-known. 304 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,320 He was Thomas "Mummy" Pettigrew. 305 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,840 He was a 19th-century anatomist, and what he would do, 306 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,200 he would issue invitations, 307 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:19,120 cos this was a period in which mummies were coming into Britain 308 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:22,320 from all over - mostly Egypt, obviously, but North Africa, too, 309 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:25,560 and other places where mummification was what happened. 310 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:27,960 - We went and robbed the world. - We robbed the world. 311 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,720 It was a pretty awful kind of cultural violation that went on, 312 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,240 - there, I'm afraid, but... - Not like the British to do that, 313 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,120 - through history, is it? - Americans, too, 314 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,600 - and it was... - French, also. - It was a big deal in America, 315 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,360 - and France almost invented Egyptology. - All right, hang on. 316 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,680 Well, all the countries of Europe, essentially - 317 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,200 the powers, as they were known in the 19th century - 318 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,800 loved Egyptology, and these mummies would come in, 319 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,960 and rather than unrolling them carefully in the British Museum, 320 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,800 these were public events and Pettigrew was the chief of it. 321 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,040 You would pay to see a mummy unrolled for the first time. 322 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:00,920 You had no idea what you'd see inside. 323 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:04,120 - That'd be amazing. - And there were hundreds of them coming in, yeah, 324 00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:06,480 and the more you paid, the closer to the mummy you got, 325 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,280 - and some of them were so popular that... - People were betting. 326 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,800 "Will it be a dead body? Will it be a robot?" You know. 327 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:16,000 - Yeah, or someone going, "At last!" - Well... 328 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,600 There was an Egyptologist called George Gliddon, who, in 1850, 329 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,640 proudly unrolled, before his paying public, a princess. 330 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,360 IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Cos he'd been able to read the hieroglyphs 331 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:27,800 and tell that this was important - a princess. 332 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:31,560 He unrolled the mummy and this huge, great todger poked out, 333 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,880 so it was quite clear he wasn't exactly right. 334 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,880 It was clear that he wasn't yet dead. 335 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,680 And there was one occasion where the Archbishop of Canterbury was 336 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:42,760 pushed out cos the press of people was so great 337 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:44,280 that he couldn't even get a view. 338 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,440 These were very popular events, 339 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,600 and one of the greatest fans of them was the Duke of Hamilton, 340 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:50,920 who loved these things. 341 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,440 He became very obsessed, 342 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:56,280 and asked Pettigrew that he might be mummified, himself, when he died. 343 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:59,480 Although he looks younger in that picture than Pettigrew, I suppose... 344 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,400 Was that him with his wife? 345 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:06,640 Well, anyway, when he died, he was duly mummified 346 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,000 - by Thomas "Mummy" Pettigrew... - Yeah. 347 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,840 ..and they rather got the proportions wrong of the sarcophagus 348 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,840 in which he was going to be placed as a mummy, 349 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:16,040 and so they had to cut his feet off. 350 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,040 Did they put his feet in a little shoebox? 351 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,920 - Yes, probably. - I'd like to be mummified. 352 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,320 I mean, obviously, 353 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,640 - once I'm dead, but I would... - Yeah, I was going to say. 354 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,800 It'd be good, cos I'd look like the Michelin man, 355 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,680 cos you know... It'd be nice. It'd be nice. 356 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:33,600 Let's see if we can guess where the northernmost mummies were found. 357 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,760 That's not eccentrics like the Duke of Hamilton, 358 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,200 who asked to be mummied, 359 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:41,280 - but proper mummified creatures according... - Wigan. - Erm... 360 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,120 No, a little further south than Wigan, but certainly north. 361 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:46,400 - Kent. - No, north... 362 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,640 Nottingham. 363 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,920 Ian McNeice. I think I'm right in saying Michael Parkinson. 364 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:53,960 - Barnsley. - Barnsley is right. That's right, Barnsley. 365 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:58,320 Now, why would there be found ancient mummies in Barnsley in 300AD? 366 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,800 There was no room in the car park in Leicester. 367 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,920 Good. 368 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:07,320 No, who was stationed and garrisoned in Britain? 369 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,160 - Oh, was it Egyptian Romans? - The Romans? 370 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:12,040 - North African, yes, who observed mummification... - Right, yeah. 371 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,520 ..and they are the furthest north 372 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,720 - of any mummied remains. - They were in the Roman army? 373 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:17,240 - Yes. - Stationed here? - Absolutely. 374 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:18,720 They mummified folk? 375 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,480 Either as conscripts, or, you know mercenaries, I don't know. 376 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,400 Were there, sort of, British legionaries in Egypt 377 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,280 who played bagpipes? 378 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:27,480 Maybe. 379 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:30,400 So, we went all the way to Egypt and ransacked the pyramids 380 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,480 and then we had some in Barnsley? 381 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,520 It was a bit of a surprise. 382 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:39,640 Can't ransack Yorkshire, though, can you? They won't have it. 383 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,200 Was it a certain class of people only that were mummified? 384 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,320 - Was that the, like...? - No, actually, one of the most beautiful things 385 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,640 you could see when you go up the Nile, if you do, 386 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,320 is, there's the Valley of the Kings, 387 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,200 but behind it is the Valley of the Artisans and Artists, 388 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,240 and they're the most touchingly extraordinary ones because they were 389 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:59,680 the artists and artisans who worked on the great tombs of the Pharaohs. 390 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,280 I guess, if you had the art, you could do it yourself. 391 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:05,600 - IN NORTHERN ACCENT: - Hilda, get to t'mummy. 392 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:09,600 Enough. Mummy Pettigrew was very much a mummy's boy. 393 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:11,760 Now, for a mile-high question - 394 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,880 how do you get a whole row of seats to yourself 395 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,920 on a Virgin Airways flight? 396 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,080 Oh, if you're really fat. 397 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,000 That would... Yeah, I think they might be able to get rid of an arm... 398 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,520 but I don't think they'd let you on if you were any fatter. 399 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:28,120 - No, but, like, really fat. Oh, I see what you mean. - Die! 400 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:30,840 - Is the right answer. You'd have to die. - Oh... - Die. 401 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,160 We asked. 402 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:35,000 APPLAUSE 403 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:39,080 You can't... I mean, you can't make people sit next to the dead. 404 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:40,720 That's... That's the truth, isn't it? 405 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,720 Basically, I think that would be what it was, 406 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,680 and if you're flying, say, from London to New York, 407 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:47,520 if you're near enough, and someone dies, 408 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:50,360 you'd turn around and all the other passengers would be going, 409 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:54,480 "Oh, really! Please, have some consideration." 410 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:57,320 But once you've passed that point of no return, as they call it, 411 00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:00,560 then there's nothing you can do, except go on to New York. 412 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,200 But what if the plane's full? 413 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,600 - Well... - Do they keep a row for the dead, just in case? 414 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,920 And, in which case, if they keep a row for the dead, 415 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,400 - what if two people die? - There's always a row at the back... 416 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,480 Exactly, if there's an outbreak of sickness. 417 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,840 - ..and the crew use it for having a kip. - Oh, that's true. 418 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:17,280 - What it means is the crew will then have to be awake. - Yes. 419 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:19,320 The dead bloke - that'll piss him off. 420 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,800 Does it happen a lot, though? 421 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,520 Oh, now, this is what's interesting. 422 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,680 British Airways have about ten deaths a year in flight. 423 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,200 Well, that food is just... 424 00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:31,760 And amongst the 36 million passengers, 425 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:37,120 so if you extrapolate out to the rather amazing 3.5 billion passengers 426 00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:41,760 that fly every year, that means there must be around 1,000 deaths a year, 427 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,200 and different airlines have different ways of doing it. 428 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,760 Singapore Airlines have a corpse cupboard. 429 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:49,920 I don't know why it's funny, but it is. 430 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:53,560 - So no-one need even know there's a dead person. - "Oh, I'm sorry." 431 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,560 - It's all so Fawlty Towers, isn't it? - Yeah. 432 00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,520 If I ever die on the plane, 433 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,400 I should like to be stored in the overhead lockers. 434 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,120 - For the rest of time. - Brilliant. 435 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,600 British Airways, though, you get a good deal if you die, 436 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,320 because you go to first class. 437 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,040 - Yeah. - Excellent. - Yeah. - At last. 438 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,800 One long established steward said, 439 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,160 "Many years ago, we used to give them a vodka and tonic, 440 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:19,160 "a Daily Mail and eyeshades, and tell the passengers they were fine. 441 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:23,120 "We don't do that any more." Yeah, I think... 442 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:25,160 It's bad enough being dead 443 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:28,760 - but having to hold the Daily Mail?! - The Daily Mail! 444 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,040 Oh, trash! APPLAUSE 445 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,640 The Daily Mail and other newspapers, not just the Daily Mail, 446 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,400 when they talk about their circulation, 447 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:45,360 they are also including the newspapers that they give away 448 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:46,760 - for free... - Oh, really? 449 00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,000 ..and so I don't think the airlines or any of those 450 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,560 kind of institutions actually pay for the newspapers. 451 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,040 - Oh, really? - So it's mainly... 452 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,840 - The Daily Mail is mainly dead people on aeroplanes. - Yes. 453 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:56,920 But they are... 454 00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:00,720 The dead are very, very right-wing. 455 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,360 Oh, that is true. 456 00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:03,480 All right. 457 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,560 When do you think - I'll give you five years either way - 458 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,680 was the first airline stewardess? 459 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,440 I think 200 years before the first aeroplane, 460 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:15,520 and I think it was a weird pointless scheme by a futurologist, 461 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:20,080 who just went up and down a field with a trolley, 462 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,000 asking the cattle, "Drink, sir?" 463 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,360 - 1962. - '62? 464 00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:27,840 1958. 465 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,240 - '58. - I'm going much earlier. 466 00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:30,880 I'm going to say 1924. 467 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:32,240 Ooh, you're so close. 468 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,040 It's 1930. 469 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:36,120 - There she is, Ellen Church. - Aw... 470 00:23:36,120 --> 00:23:39,920 The very first. She wanted to be a pilot but she wasn't allowed. 471 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:42,080 She and her colleagues, who were all nurses, 472 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:44,360 were known as "sky girls", in those early days. 473 00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,760 That was United, as you can see - United Airlines. 474 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:51,760 Their duties included screwing down loose seats - 475 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,920 not loo-seats, loose seats - 476 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,200 - helping to fuel the plane... - Wow. 477 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,120 ..and pushing the plane into its hangar at the end of the journey. 478 00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:03,760 - All that and flogging the perfume, as well... - Yeah. 479 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:05,680 ..and the scratchcards, 480 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:09,160 and going up and down with a bin liner saying, "Is that rubbish?" 481 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,440 I don't think they sell scratchcards on aeroplanes. 482 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,880 Not on the ones you go on, Stephen, but, yes, they do. 483 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:17,920 I would say a scra... a lottery card on an aeroplane, 484 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,760 you do not want to sell something when your chances of winning 485 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:25,720 are so much less than your chances of dying on that aeroplane. 486 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,360 So, good, now, 487 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:31,360 how would this man make your mouth water? 488 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:33,280 Oh, old Captain Saliva. 489 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:36,920 Is the stick relevant? 490 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,160 Well... Hmm... 491 00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:42,400 - By making... - Hit you in the nuts with his walking stick. 492 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:45,320 Maybe if I told you his name, it might help. 493 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,160 Hang on, now dogs have appeared - walking sticks and dogs. 494 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,520 - His name was Ivan... - Doggie-stick. 495 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,440 ..Petrovich... 496 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,840 - Pavlov, as someone shouted in the audience. - Pavlov. 497 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,240 - Oh, Pavlov's dogs. - So how would he make drool appear? 498 00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:58,560 By ringing a bell. 499 00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:00,520 Wrong! BELL RINGS 500 00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:01,600 You said it. 501 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,400 Thank you for saying it. 502 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:07,720 - Aww. - Your fault, "Pavlov." - You see, it's so unfair. 503 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:11,000 - You led me astray there. - Would he make a pavlova? 504 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,960 - Did he invent that as well? - No, that was Anna Pavlova. 505 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:17,240 Anna Pavlova, yes, exactly. 506 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,520 They'd feed the dogs and they'd do something, well, 507 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:21,160 they'd ring a bell, wouldn't they? 508 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,320 And then the dogs would think the food was coming 509 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,720 and then they would get all excited. 510 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:30,200 That is what we think of when we thought of Pavlov and his dogs. 511 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,520 They were trained to recognise particular bells. 512 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:35,440 When he rang the bell, they would start immediately to salivate 513 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,200 because dogs salivate when they're about to eat because it helps 514 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:43,520 them digest but the weird thing is, he did everything except ring bells. 515 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,720 He did things that showed the extraordinary 516 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,480 sophistication of dogs' hearing. 517 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,400 They could distinguish between rhythms of 518 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,280 96 and 104 beats per minute, 519 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:55,720 so if he gave 104 beats per minute on a metronome, 520 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:58,880 there would be no food, 96, there would be food. 521 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:02,880 A day later he would go 96, they'd drool. 522 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,720 He tried also ascending and descending musical scales. 523 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:06,920 If a scale was going up, 524 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:09,760 they're going to eat, it was going down, they weren't going to eat. 525 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:12,680 All that and he could've just rung a bell. 526 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,240 Followers of Pavlov used bells but he didn't. 527 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:19,080 Is this a sort of victory of the journalist who reported it? 528 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,800 "It's like he rang a bell?" "No, no, there's a metronome." 529 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,240 "You know, basically he rang a bell." 530 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,440 And then they just reported it as a bell. 531 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:30,480 But do you want to know the weird thing? 532 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,240 Yes, I do, I want to know the weird thing. 533 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:37,120 In 1904, he became the first ever Russian to win... 534 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:40,000 the NO-BELL prize. 535 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,400 GROANS 536 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,760 APPLAUSE 537 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:49,440 I've always wondered why it was called that. 538 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:53,280 He became a Nobel laureate for his contribution to medicine, 539 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,280 particularly to digestion and so on. 540 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:59,320 And he decided to sell gastric juices of dogs 541 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,000 and I suppose his name was helpful. 542 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,280 And he felt that these would help people as 543 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,440 a digestive cure of some kind. 544 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:08,640 So you would drink the gastric juice of a dog to help your own 545 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:09,720 gastric business? 546 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:14,280 He would stick a catheter in a poor dog, up into its tummy to milk it 547 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:17,720 of its gastric juices and, yeah, he sold them. 548 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:21,000 We've got a picture of a dog giving his all here. 549 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,600 GROANS 550 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:24,640 It's only a drawing! 551 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,840 So, if you think Pavlov rings a bell, you're barking. 552 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:34,040 Now, Matt, what's dense, slimy, lives at the bottom of the sea 553 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,720 - and is called...? - David Walliams. 554 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:38,800 LAUGHTER 555 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:41,480 APPLAUSE 556 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:50,360 He's a very strong swimmer, isn't he? 557 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,600 Oh, dear. 558 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:55,920 Matt, what's dense, slimy, lives at the bottom of the sea 559 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:57,120 and is called Matt? 560 00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:58,840 - David Walliams. - Wa-hey! 561 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:03,640 And called Matt? Is it just a mat? 562 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:05,240 Oh, yes. 563 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:09,560 - Yes. - It's a mat. - So I AM clever. 564 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:12,960 Is it some kind of sea vegetable? 565 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:17,080 It's...it's...it's sea life, sea matter that's cohered. 566 00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:18,800 - Algae. - How big would it be, the mat? 567 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,760 Huge, huge, hundreds of thousands of square miles. 568 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:25,040 Certainly the biggest we know of, it's about the size of Greece. 569 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:27,160 - There you are, you see. - You see. You ARE clever. 570 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:30,960 It's not in Greece or near Greece, it's off the coast of Peru and Chile. 571 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:33,080 Oh, look at David Walliams. 572 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:37,080 Stop it! 573 00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,520 No, don't stop, carry on. 574 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:42,280 It's microbial. It's a whole load of microbes. 575 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:46,280 So many of them that they can create this matter that's thick and... 576 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:49,200 - Mat matter. - Mat matter, exactly. 577 00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:53,120 Don't say anything bad about them because we owe the photosynthesis 578 00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:57,160 and the oxygen-rich nature of our own atmosphere to these. 579 00:28:57,160 --> 00:28:58,680 We couldn't live without them. 580 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:01,720 I've been served that in a motorway service station. 581 00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:06,000 They eat hydrogen and they breathe nitrates. 582 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:09,600 And they live in streams and lakes as well as the ocean. 583 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:11,840 They're very, very exciting and here, 584 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:14,160 I know you like wonderful information, 585 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:17,840 the total weight of microbes in the ocean is equivalent 586 00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:22,360 to 240 billion African elephants. 587 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:24,400 AUDIENCE MEMBER SQUEALS 588 00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:27,040 LAUGHTER 589 00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:30,520 The good thing about that is that really helps me visualise that. 590 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,240 - That was very, very helpful. - Let me help you more, then. 591 00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:37,760 35 elephants made of microbes for everyone on the planet. 592 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:41,520 So each of us have got 35 elephants made of microbes surrounding us now. 593 00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:44,000 - We're rich! - 35, that's a lot of elephants. 594 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:48,640 The time has come to rule out lifting all that in one go. 595 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:50,440 Right. 596 00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:52,000 You learn a lot on this show, 597 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:57,320 I never knew that the ocean was made up of 35,000 billion elephants. 598 00:29:57,320 --> 00:29:59,560 I've really been educated. 599 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:01,720 No wonder elephants are endangered 600 00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:05,040 when you think of the number who have been drowned. 601 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,680 To create a mat at the bottom of the sea. 602 00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:12,640 That's probably why the trunks... They were trying to evolve snorkels. 603 00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:14,920 LAUGHTER 604 00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:17,400 APPLAUSE 605 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:21,920 Oh, dear. 606 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:25,040 I can see that I've not really explained myself very well. 607 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:26,880 And now for something slightly mucky. 608 00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:31,360 Alan, have you ever had your dirt hole burgled without your knowledge? 609 00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,920 LAUGHTER 610 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:42,320 Do you know what? I'm not going to answer that. 611 00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:43,960 Fair enough. 612 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:47,200 I'm actually writing to Points Of View now in this book. 613 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:53,360 It's a question to do with the macabre side of human life, muck. 614 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:58,600 Oh, is this something like, in some context, excrement has a value? 615 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:00,600 Yes, where there's muck... 616 00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:02,880 Yes, they need it for fertiliser or whatever 617 00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:05,640 and so people would sell their, erm, you know, their shit. 618 00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:07,520 So obviously other people would steal it. 619 00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:09,840 Which gave it a value, and if something has a value, 620 00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:11,920 there will always be some who wish to steal it. 621 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:13,600 Is this in medieval times or now? 622 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,680 No, actually, it's not medieval, it's 18th and 19th century. 623 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:19,320 - I think the question is flawed. - How so? 624 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,360 Because if I'd have had my dirt hole burgled without my knowledge, 625 00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:24,280 I wouldn't know about it, would I? 626 00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:30,120 Touche. You're absolutely right. 627 00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:33,200 - So I don't know. - Is the right answer. - Possibly. 628 00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:34,600 "Possibly." Yup. 629 00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:38,120 So people kept their rubbish in holes that could be collected. 630 00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:39,680 It was a bin collection. 631 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,480 The dustman and the dustcart were actually often collecting 632 00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:46,000 dust as well because it was simply dirt that people had swept up 633 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:49,320 and poured into a little hole or into a bucket in a hole, 634 00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:51,920 the dirt hole, because everything was recycled. 635 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:54,840 Even family pets, when they died, had a value. 636 00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:58,680 White cat, sixpence, multicoloured cat, fourpence. 637 00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:01,560 In those days, the Flying Dustmen, as they were called, 638 00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:03,000 the people who came to collect it, 639 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:07,600 they were paid to get it rather than you paying rates to have it removed. 640 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:09,800 There was hardware and software. 641 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:11,600 Software would be things like a dead cat 642 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:14,920 and the hardware was broken crockery, oyster shells, things like that, 643 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:16,840 which road builders could use. 644 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,840 Anyway, from muck to mugshots. 645 00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:23,720 What heinous crime was committed by Baby-Face Bertillon? 646 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:26,160 He stole the faces of babies. 647 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:29,320 And then wore them himself. 648 00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:33,160 I don't know if you're a Sherlock Holmes buff. 649 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,880 - I... - I'm quite buff but... 650 00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:37,640 no, not so much with Sherlock Holmes. 651 00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:40,520 Sherlock Holmes talks about the Bertillon system at one point. 652 00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:42,080 It was a famous system. 653 00:32:43,160 --> 00:32:46,320 And it did involve, really, what you're looking at. 654 00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:49,600 - Mugshots. - Mugshots is the right answer! 655 00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:53,160 So Bertillon took a photograph of his young son, 656 00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:55,720 hence the Baby-Face Bertillon. 657 00:32:55,720 --> 00:32:58,280 And what he did there was he exhibited his technique, 658 00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:02,560 which may seem obvious to us but what are we looking at? 659 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:05,120 Taking a front and profile. 660 00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:09,320 He realised that ears were very, very good ways of identifying people, 661 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:11,680 and so you couldn't just have a full-on 662 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:13,760 but a side view is very important. 663 00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:16,920 And, over the years, the French police 664 00:33:16,920 --> 00:33:21,960 and the British got huge collections of pictures of criminals. 665 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:24,200 And these became the rogues' galleries, 666 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:25,880 the mugshots that are famous 667 00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:28,360 in films and TV shows where some witness says, 668 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:30,160 "Oh, I'd know him if I saw him." 669 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:32,240 "Hey, show him, show him the mugshots." 670 00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:35,160 You know. And the witness would go through the book 671 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:39,080 and each book would be... LAUGHTER 672 00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:42,200 That was days after I'd had my dirt hole burgled. 673 00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:44,360 LAUGHTER 674 00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:46,240 Was it by Hugh Grant above you? 675 00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,640 Hugh Grant's trying to look cross there. 676 00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:54,440 And the crime that Bertillon's son had committed was nibbling all 677 00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:56,040 the pears in a basket. 678 00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:01,960 Trying one and putting it back. Yeah. My little boy does that. 679 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:04,680 - It drives me mad. - Which, to a Frenchman, is a grave sin. 680 00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:05,960 Sorry, is it a euphemism? 681 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,520 Maybe it's a euphemism, have I missed something? 682 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:12,640 "I admit I nibbled all the pears in the basket. 683 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:14,160 "And she bloody loved it." 684 00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:19,520 That's terrible. Anyway, yes. 685 00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:23,640 Francois Bertillon was the notorious Paris pear nibbler. 686 00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:26,920 And talking of delicious things to eat, one last medieval question. 687 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:30,720 How many uses can you think of for a monk's earwax? 688 00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:34,160 - Oh, it's endless. Candles. - Candles, yeah. 689 00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:36,600 - JULIA: - Polishing wood. - They might have done. 690 00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:38,920 - DAVID: - That definitely sounds like a euphemism. 691 00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:41,040 Yeah. 692 00:34:41,040 --> 00:34:42,360 I meant it... 693 00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:45,040 - DAVID: - There's not much else to do in a monastery, is there? 694 00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:46,400 Polishing their own wood. 695 00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:48,440 What have monks handed down to us mostly? 696 00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:50,800 - Bibles. - Bibles and manuscripts, illustrated... 697 00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:53,080 Spent their lifetime writing, copying them out. 698 00:34:53,080 --> 00:34:55,080 - Doing lines, basically. - Yes. 699 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:58,400 There we are, there's a picture of a happy monk doing his illuminations. 700 00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:00,400 And that side of it, the painty side of it, 701 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:04,680 they used a substance called glair - G-L-A-I-R - 702 00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:11,080 and it tended to get bubbled but they found if they added earwax to it, 703 00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:14,760 they could get a really smooth, beautiful lustre and sheen 704 00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:16,680 to the illustrations they were doing, 705 00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:18,880 which have lasted us down the centuries. 706 00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:21,880 How do you think of that, though? To go, "Hmm, there it is." 707 00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:26,520 A thing you might try at home is you could take a pint of foaming beer 708 00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:31,680 and then pop earwax into the head of your foaming tankard 709 00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:34,200 and the bubbles should collapse. 710 00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:36,960 If you're watching TV, don't listen to this man. 711 00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:42,640 I think you're right. 712 00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:44,720 It would be better if it was the other way round. 713 00:35:44,720 --> 00:35:47,520 You had a flat liquid and then you put a bit of earwax in it 714 00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:49,520 and then it went, fzzeee! 715 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:52,120 Chuck some sodium in your beer. That should do it. 716 00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:54,400 And which orifice does sodium come out of? 717 00:35:56,800 --> 00:36:00,400 They left other little things for us, little maniculae, little hands 718 00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:03,600 that pointed to certain sections of the text in the Bible. 719 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:05,080 You can see one on the left there. 720 00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:06,880 Well, if you've read The Name Of The Rose, 721 00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:08,640 they left clues everywhere, all sorts. 722 00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:11,480 Yeah. And octopuses as well, you can see an octopus at the top there. 723 00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:13,240 They, for some reason, liked octopuses. 724 00:36:13,240 --> 00:36:17,320 Is that a person with a huge sort of trumpet up his bottom? 725 00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:19,440 - It's something odd, isn't it? - Yeah, it is. 726 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:22,960 I don't know what they're doing there. They're praising the Lord. 727 00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:26,600 ALAN MIMICS A TRUMPET 728 00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:29,000 - It's so boring in those monasteries. - Exactly. 729 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,880 The old fart trumpet was the favourite... 730 00:36:32,920 --> 00:36:36,360 I was going to say on a Sunday but perhaps not. 731 00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,680 HE MIMICS A FART TRUMPET 732 00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:40,560 "Dinner!" 733 00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:45,000 They used to leave little remarks like, "Oh, God, it's cold in here," 734 00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:46,320 or, "I'm so bored." 735 00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:49,400 Round the Bible. Just like schoolkids on their desks. 736 00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:50,760 Exactly like that. 737 00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:52,960 So why are they fighting snails? 738 00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:57,680 No-one is quite sure. But it's a common feature - knights vs snails. 739 00:36:57,680 --> 00:36:59,120 They seemed to like... 740 00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:01,840 Some people may think it was a symbol of the struggle of the poor 741 00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:03,400 against the aristocracy. 742 00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:06,080 I think people shouldn't watch this show any more. 743 00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:10,840 Do you think they had loads of snails in these cold, 744 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,160 damp monasteries and there were snails everywhere 745 00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:15,360 and they were hoping a gallant knight would come 746 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:18,280 and help them deal with the snail infestation problem? 747 00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:20,600 Possibly! STEPHEN LAUGHS GASPINGLY 748 00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:23,560 Which means it's time... LAUGHTER 749 00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:26,840 ..to place various intimate parts of you into the thumbscrew 750 00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:29,680 of general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please. 751 00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:33,200 Where are most missionaries positioned? 752 00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:37,360 MATT'S BUZZER 753 00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:41,720 I'm going to guess that most of them are in Utah where 754 00:37:41,720 --> 00:37:44,920 the Mormons tend to kind of congregate 755 00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:48,600 because they haven't yet been assigned their places to go to. 756 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:51,000 Interesting, interesting answer but I'm 757 00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:54,200 talking about which is the country that receives the most incoming? 758 00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:57,200 - DAVID'S BUZZER - Well, I'm not talking about that. 759 00:37:57,200 --> 00:37:58,600 LAUGHTER 760 00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:01,120 I'm talking about them before they've gone. 761 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:04,440 So I'm not asking you where the most missionaries come FROM, I'm asking... 762 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:06,560 I know but... 763 00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:09,160 I'm trying to get a point. 764 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:12,840 By you answering the question that I haven't asked. 765 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,080 My guess is China. 766 00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:17,000 Ah, it's a possibility. I mean, it's not... 767 00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:19,080 Well, it IS a possibility but it's not a fact. 768 00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:22,040 - Is it in Africa? - It's not Africa. - Is it England? - No. 769 00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:25,240 - JULIA: - Is it South America? - England is much, much closer. 770 00:38:25,240 --> 00:38:27,920 - South America. - Not South America, not SOUTH America. 771 00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:30,320 - Central. - Not Central... - North America. - North America! 772 00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:33,760 - America, United States. - Well, I think you'll find Utah is in America. 773 00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:36,680 APPLAUSE 774 00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:43,760 But I specifically said, "Where are the most 775 00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:46,200 "missionaries who've come from outside one country?" 776 00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:49,640 - I know, but I didn't choose to answer that. - Argh! 777 00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:52,640 I've got to give you points, you deserve them for sheer tenacity. 778 00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:54,920 The fact is, we don't quite know why missionaries... 779 00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:57,680 Some think they just want to go to a very rich country, 780 00:38:57,680 --> 00:39:01,440 others think these missionaries believe America has lapsed into sin. 781 00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:04,200 You're absolutely right in one way, certainly, which is 782 00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:06,520 that America produces the most missionaries. 783 00:39:06,520 --> 00:39:09,080 I've gone, I'm passed it. 784 00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:10,520 For me, it's gone. 785 00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:12,040 32,400 missionaries went to 786 00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:14,560 - the USA from other nations. - No, not interested. 787 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:19,240 - Whereas 127,000 go out of the US. - No, it's too late, too little too late. 788 00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:23,480 - And I think he's a Mormon. - No, we're not looking. 789 00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:29,680 In 2003... 790 00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:32,040 ALAN CHUCKLES 791 00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:34,480 ..in 2003 the residents of a Fijian village... 792 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:36,560 - Don't listen to him. - ..apologised... 793 00:39:36,560 --> 00:39:37,760 LAUGHTER 794 00:39:37,760 --> 00:39:41,280 ..apologised to the family of an English missionary who had, 795 00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:45,480 in 1867, been eaten by their ancestors. 796 00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:48,280 Well, again, too little too late. 797 00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:51,960 It's not known why the missionary was killed. 798 00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:54,160 Because he looked bloody tasty, I should expect. 799 00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:55,640 SAME AUDIENCE MEMBER SQUEALS 800 00:39:55,640 --> 00:40:00,040 The villagers said that they had been suffering bad luck ever since eating 801 00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:03,960 the missionary and hoped it would change their fortunes to apologise. 802 00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:06,880 A year later, there was an earthquake. 803 00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:08,360 Maybe they should have... 804 00:40:08,360 --> 00:40:12,360 I wouldn't apologise for anyone my ancestors had eaten. 805 00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:15,520 - I don't think it's my fault. - No, exactly. 806 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:17,560 And I wouldn't expect a descendant of mine 807 00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:20,680 to apologise for anything I'd eaten, either. 808 00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:23,880 I think what you eat, it's you to apologise, no-one else. 809 00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:26,960 Ridiculous for having pan-generational responsibility 810 00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:29,120 for ancestors' diets. 811 00:40:30,720 --> 00:40:33,920 But they thought it brought them bad luck, they were superstitious. 812 00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:36,880 So they weren't really sorry at all. 813 00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:38,920 If they thought it would bring them good luck, 814 00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:41,120 they'd probably eat another one. 815 00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:45,160 OK, more missionaries go to the United States than anywhere else. 816 00:40:45,160 --> 00:40:48,000 Do an impression of someone in the stocks. 817 00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:49,120 "Fuck off, fuck off!" 818 00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:54,480 It's like that, isn't it? 819 00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:57,840 - Ah-ha! Points to Mitchell. Yes, absolutely. - That the pillory. 820 00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:00,840 That's a pillory or fuse, as they were also known. 821 00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:04,080 - That's stocks. - Oh, stocks are feet, are they? 822 00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:06,000 I'm into public shaming, though. 823 00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:08,240 If you've done something bad people can go, 824 00:41:08,240 --> 00:41:09,960 "Oh, don't do it again," and then you go, 825 00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:12,600 "Oh, that was awful, I won't have friends if I do this again." 826 00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:15,120 And then you go back into society. I don't think it's so bad. 827 00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:17,680 You're very right. They could be quite forgiving. 828 00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:20,040 Sometimes people had flowers thrown at them. 829 00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:21,880 Daniel Defoe, when he was in the stocks 830 00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:24,600 because he defended the church, people threw flowers at him. 831 00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:26,360 Those aren't stocks, so... 832 00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:29,680 No, he wasn't in the stocks there, 833 00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:31,720 he was pilloried, I think is the safest way to... 834 00:41:31,720 --> 00:41:34,760 People threw horrible things at you, big heavy things, 835 00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:37,400 - and actually you could die. - Yeah, no, absolutely. 836 00:41:37,400 --> 00:41:40,440 Some people took great lengths to protect themselves as a result. 837 00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:43,560 There was a gentleman here, Charles Hitchen, who was convicted 838 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:47,680 of attempted sodomy and he went into the stocks wearing a suit of armour. 839 00:41:49,360 --> 00:41:51,280 What happened to successful ones, 840 00:41:51,280 --> 00:41:54,560 ones that managed to bring it off, as it were? 841 00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:01,880 Presumably you have to pay a lot for that when you were in the stocks. 842 00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:05,160 The stocks weren't for your head and arms, just for your legs. 843 00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:06,520 And, with that, 844 00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:10,560 our mosey through the medieval macabre must come to an end. 845 00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:13,880 We have scores. Mercy, mercy me. 846 00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:19,200 Well, in joint first position, with minus six, 847 00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:21,000 Matt and Julia. 848 00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:24,080 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 849 00:42:25,720 --> 00:42:28,440 APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH 850 00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:30,760 In third place with minus ten, 851 00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:32,040 David Mitchell. 852 00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:34,760 APPLAUSE 853 00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:41,040 But the witch we shall be burning this evening is 854 00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:43,760 Alan Davies with minus 25. 855 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:45,880 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 856 00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:55,000 Well, it only remains for me to thank, Matt, David, Julia 857 00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:59,600 and Alan and the last word on the Middle Ages comes from Bennett Cerf. 858 00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:02,200 "Middle age is when your contemporaries are 859 00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:04,040 "so grey and wrinkled and bald 860 00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:06,240 "they don't recognise you." 861 00:43:06,240 --> 00:43:09,720 Good night. APPLAUSE