1 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:13,760 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,520 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:36,320 Goo-oo-oo-ood evening. 4 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:39,800 Good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, 5 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:43,360 where tonight we're doing the Monster Mash. 6 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:48,880 Let's meet the nameless horrors that lurk in our monstrous shadows. 7 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,600 The malformed Josh Widdicombe... 8 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,640 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,840 ..the mutated Phill Jupitus... 10 00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,920 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,400 ..the misbegotten Sara Pascoe... 12 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,320 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:11,640 ..and the complete monstrosity Alan Davies. 14 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,680 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:20,880 IN MENACING VOICE: Now, let's hear your scary noises. 16 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:22,280 Sarah goes... 17 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:25,040 WOMAN SCREAMS 18 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,440 Josh goes... 19 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:29,320 MONSTER GROWLS 20 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,560 Phill goes... 21 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:33,160 WOLF HOWLS 22 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:38,400 And Alan goes... CHICKEN CLUCKS 23 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,440 LAUGHTER 24 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,440 Too terrible to contemplate. 25 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:47,480 Let's start with a monster mix-and-match. 26 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:51,560 Here are some cards you'll find under your desk. 27 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,760 - The fronts and the backs. - Oh! 28 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,160 And we want you to see if you can make 29 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,960 some kind of monster - and name it if you can. 30 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,840 - Oh, right. - Name it? - Mm. 31 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,520 - OK. - You've got bottoms, Alan... 32 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,480 - I'm a classic bottom. - I'm a classic top. 33 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,440 ..and Josh has got tops. 34 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,520 - What have you got there? - Alan Davies has got gorgeous legs. 35 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,920 - LAUGHTER - Hey... 36 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,720 What you've created there is a human. 37 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:22,080 - I'd say it's borderline, Stephen. - Too terrible to contemplate. - Yeah. 38 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,880 - Here we go, here we go, all right... - OK, OK. 39 00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:26,440 - You don't know what I've put, then we'll look in a minute. - OK. 40 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:27,600 - Ooh. - OK. - There we go. 41 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,120 Ah, a lionfish. 42 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,480 Now, that's interesting, cos the lionfish does exist. 43 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,480 Unlike the merlion that we have created... 44 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,440 Ah, the merlion is a very good... 45 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:39,000 ..which would sing on the rocks by the coast of Africa 46 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,480 and lure deer to their deaths. 47 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,720 Well, Alan, there you've got an ant... 48 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,440 An ant cow. 49 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:47,720 Yeah, we've got the... 50 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:49,880 Basically, what you've got there is 51 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,120 an ungulate that will ruin a picnic. 52 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,840 Well, we can go through some of these. 53 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:57,000 - Certainly a lionfish exists. - OK. 54 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,960 There's a bounty on them, if you catch them in the Caribbean. 55 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,240 They destroy the habitat - they're so successful 56 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:05,280 there's almost nothing that can get them, and they can eat everything. 57 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,920 - Try making one to order. See if you can make a Minotaur. - OK. 58 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,440 - Minotaur... - Oh, Minotaur... 59 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,680 - So, it's... - Bull's head. - Bull's head's on there. 60 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,320 - Chap's bottom, isn't it? A Minotaur. - Yeah. - Rather than a lion? 61 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,440 There we go. 62 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,960 No-one's quite sure whether it should have... 63 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,560 the human top with a bull's bottom, but... 64 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:25,880 - We've made a Minotaur. - Oh, yeah. He looks really muscly. 65 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:29,160 That's not as scary as I thought it was going to be. 66 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,280 - I'm going to say pop your cards away. - Oh. 67 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,080 I've just made a mermaid, Stephen. 68 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,280 You've done a lovely mermaid - well done. 69 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:37,120 That's definitely one that was available. 70 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,000 There are all kinds of things available - 71 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:42,120 the myrmecoleon, which is also known as a formicaleon. 72 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,920 - This is a lion head and an ant body. - What?! 73 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:49,200 In medieval bestiaries, they were very sure that that existed. 74 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,120 They held it to be bigger than an ant. 75 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:55,920 Basically, it lived in a little pit and pulled in things. 76 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,640 - How big was it? - A bit like a large ant. 77 00:03:58,640 --> 00:03:59,840 Oh, like a large ant. 78 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,760 I feel like someone who had a very low pain threshold is the person 79 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:06,720 who was like, "No, promise you, it was a lion what bit me but it was very small. 80 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:08,320 "It came out of a tiny hole." 81 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:11,600 Yeah, well, they do exist, antlions. Americans call them doodlebugs. 82 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,560 - They live in a pit and they pull in anything that falls in. - Wow! 83 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:17,800 Mermaids and mermen, obviously, are the human body with a fish tail. 84 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,440 People think, you know, sailors fall in love with mermaids 85 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,760 and how can they consummate their relationship? You know... 86 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,280 - Fertilise the eggs, Stephen. - Exactly, it's very simple. 87 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:28,200 She lays her eggs on a rock or something 88 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,520 and you fertilise them - what's the problem with that? 89 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:33,760 The sailor has to sail back to his waters where he was spawned 90 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,440 and take the mermaid with him. 91 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,920 So, he has to go back to, I don't know, Dorking... 92 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,880 Yes, that it might be. 93 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,840 ..find a pond, pop his new fishwife in there. 94 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,400 - JOSH: - Fishwife! - She lays her eggs 95 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:50,160 and then he has to be arrested for indecent public exposure 96 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:51,800 at a boating pond. 97 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,400 And one that you get points for because it does exist 98 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:55,880 is the merlion. 99 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,680 Yeah, which you came up with - a merlion - 100 00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:00,280 - which is the lion head and a fish tail. - Yeah. - Really? 101 00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:02,080 Yeah, the national symbol of Singapore. 102 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,360 - Is it? - Oh...thank you, Singapore. 103 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:06,200 Yeah. They give you those points. 104 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,160 - The hippocampus. - Hippopotamus. 105 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,080 Thank you for replying with another animal. 106 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,920 LAUGHTER You're doing very well. 107 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,720 Hip-po replacement. 108 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,160 But...hippocampus is... 109 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:22,240 The hipster campus is, it's... 110 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,280 - runs coffee bars in Shoreditch... - LAUGHTER 111 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:26,600 ..in a very effeminate way. 112 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:27,800 Well, as you probably know, 113 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:29,560 it's part of the brain, the hippocampus, 114 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:31,640 but why is it called the hippocampus? 115 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,720 - The shape of it. - Is...? 116 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,120 It's the shape of a seahorse. 117 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,360 But a hippocampus, as a mythical beast, 118 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,320 - had a horse front and a fish tail. - Oh... 119 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:43,200 And so did they think that before they found the seahorse 120 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:45,840 or they thought there were two separate seahorses? 121 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,560 No, there are seahorses in the Mediterranean, so I suppose... 122 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,680 Let's find out sometime - not now. 123 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,320 LAUGHTER 124 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,040 That is surely the opposite of what this show is about. 125 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,240 I panicked, all right? I just panicked. 126 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:01,840 People love seahorses because 127 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:04,840 it's the male who gestates the babies, isn't it, with seahorses? 128 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,160 Which is always so lovely. 129 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:09,280 I've dived amongst them and I was just shocked by how small they are. 130 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,480 You must have... 131 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,480 - They are tiny. Well, I've seen them in the London Aquariums. - Oh, right. 132 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,920 They have a very long thin tank that they go up and down - 133 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:16,960 it's quite sweet. 134 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,560 I assume that's what they want to do, 135 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,280 - otherwise it feels a bit unfair. - Would be cruel. 136 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,960 They have to just go up and down. 137 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,800 - They're very horse-like as well in the way they feed... - They race. 138 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,160 ..they browse in the weeds. 139 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:29,880 They browse in the weeds, looking... 140 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,720 They have little stalls and they all get in. 141 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,720 LAUGHTER At the races. 142 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:37,760 There's always one that doesn't want to go and they have to take him off. 143 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:41,080 So, no matter what monster you imagine, 144 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:44,240 you can be pretty sure that someone else made it first. 145 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,240 Here's a monster that someone made earlier, 146 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,760 but what is it and what's it made from? 147 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,760 - Oh.... - Oh, my gosh. 148 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:54,360 - Is it carved? - Mm... - Is it made from bone? 149 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:58,320 It's a type of mermaid that was very popular in the 19th century. 150 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,040 - It's called a Fiji mermaid. - Ooh... 151 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:02,800 People would come from miles to see it. 152 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,120 It was shown off at carnivals, 153 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,160 and it was made from fish and household bits and pieces. 154 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,680 For a long time, people thought it was made by 155 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,480 the addition of a monkey's head with a fish. 156 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:17,120 And this particular one was acquired by the Wellcome Collection in 1919, 157 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:20,120 and then later by the fabulous Horniman Museum. 158 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,600 - Do you know the Horniman Museum? - Yeah, I live near there. 159 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,800 - Do you? - It's in Forest Hill. It's brilliant, yeah. 160 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,120 It is an incredible place. 161 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,760 A genuine museum of curiosities of the most fascinating kind. 162 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,480 - I've been there too - it's great. - It is good. It's a fine place. 163 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,480 You just saying that cos I said I've been there? 164 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,520 - LAUGHTER - I go every week. - Largely, yeah. 165 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:38,120 Cos when you said you went to the aquarium, I didn't jump on it. 166 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:39,960 Like, "Oh, yeah, I've been." 167 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,480 I let you have your time in the sun. 168 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:43,760 "Time in the sun." 169 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,520 - When you say household bits and pieces... - Yeah. 170 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:49,080 ..what, like... 171 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,080 LAUGHTER 172 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:52,480 ..sticky-backed plastic? 173 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,200 - Well... - Fairy liquid bottle? 174 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:57,920 You'd be surprised to know that recent CT scans 175 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:01,640 and DNA tests have been done on this fellow, and they revealed 176 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,040 that no monkeys were harmed in its making, 177 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,560 but it is a fish and the rest is made from 178 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,360 fabric of a wooden frame 179 00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,320 supporting a papier mache head 180 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:12,960 - with a fish's jaw. - Wow. 181 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,040 So, kind of household. Papier mache is usually bits of newspaper 182 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,360 or paper, isn't it, mashed up? 183 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:19,640 - SARA GASPS - Oh, wow! 184 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,080 There we go. 185 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,840 Now, look. You see, now... 186 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,920 So, were they supposed to be scary creatures? 187 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,600 It is quite scary. 188 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:31,400 You can picture it scampering in your bedroom or something. 189 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:35,120 They were a lot sexier once they added the hair and the shell bras. 190 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,240 Exactly. But you'll be pleased to know that 191 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,560 this is a result of the CT scans, 192 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:44,280 which were made by the Horniman Museum for us, 193 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:48,400 and Dr James Moffatt of St George's University in London 194 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:52,280 translated the CT scan data into 195 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:56,160 - this 3-D printing of the original. - Wow! 196 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,440 So, this is a 3-D printing. 197 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,360 - Isn't it good? - Yeah! - Yeah, we like that. 198 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,600 APPLAUSE 199 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,600 And you can see how detailed it is. 200 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,640 Even the little holes and flaws in the fish tail. 201 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,360 Have you been to St George's Hospital? 202 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:09,640 It's really excellent. 203 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,920 LAUGHTER Now... 204 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,600 I'm not going to play this game. 205 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:16,440 Ergh! Ergh! 206 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,000 I genuinely jumped. 207 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,240 LAUGHTER 208 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,480 You've seen them on Dartmoor, haven't you, Widdicombe? 209 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,720 - What are your monsters called? - We've got... On Dartmoor? - Yeah. 210 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,440 We've got the Hairy Hand. Are you aware of the Hairy Hand? 211 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,160 - Which is a... - No. 212 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,840 - PHILL: - You get it when you're about 15. 213 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,640 LAUGHTER 214 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:42,880 The Hairy Hand is a disembodied hand that would appear from nowhere 215 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:48,240 - if you were driving along the B3021... - Pissed. 216 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,120 ..and it would steer you off the road. 217 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,480 - But there's... - "Officer!" - "Officer!" 218 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:57,480 IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "And it smelt of cider, didn't it?" 219 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:01,200 "It dropped its pint on me, and then it drove me off the road." 220 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,320 One of the people that claimed 221 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,120 he'd been steered off the road by the Hairy Hand, 222 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:09,880 he described it as invisible. 223 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,000 LAUGHTER 224 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,320 Oh, bless him for trying. 225 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,800 There's the old curse about the Monkey Wishing Hand, 226 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,400 - which it seems is where that's coming from. - Oh, yeah. 227 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,680 What's that? What's that? 228 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:27,280 It's a dead one of those. 229 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,360 LAUGHTER 230 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:32,520 What's that? What's that? 231 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:33,840 What's that? What's that? 232 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,040 It's a herd of those. 233 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,000 I've got loads of them. 234 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,880 APPLAUSE 235 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:45,440 Now, the Horniman Museum, 236 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:48,240 which gave us access to the original of this... 237 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,640 Probably went there before Sara. 238 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:54,000 ..it was all arranged by a man who's in the audience tonight 239 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,680 from the Horniman Museum, 240 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,920 and it's Paolo Viscardi. Can you give us a wave? 241 00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,880 There you are. Thank you very much, Paolo. 242 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:02,000 APPLAUSE 243 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,080 Grazie. 244 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:09,680 Who do you recognise more, me or Alan? 245 00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:12,040 - Who's been more often? - Yeah. 246 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:15,240 So, Jenny. Do you know about Jenny Haniver? 247 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,760 No. Jenny Agutter. 248 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,640 Jenny Agutter you know about? That's good. 249 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,320 Let me add another Jenny to your list of Jennys. 250 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:23,360 Let's see some pictures of Jenny Haniver. 251 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,800 - Was she on the front of a boat? - Whoa. Oh! 252 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,640 Lord, that's Doctor Who. 253 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,720 That's a box of props from Doctor Who. 254 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,640 It does look like it, doesn't it? 255 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,160 It's the Ku Klux Klams. 256 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 257 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:39,720 Can you guess what they are? 258 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,960 - You burn one cross... - Fish. - They're fish. 259 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,840 - They are flatfish. - They're skates. Skate. - Oh, skate. 260 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,240 Rays or skates would be carved in these shapes - 261 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,120 it was known as Jenny Hanivers. 262 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,920 Mostly sailors from Antwerp who seemed to do this - 263 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,640 it was their specialist art. 264 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,600 Other sailors did scrimshaw, you know, 265 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,680 and they did Jenny Haniver. 266 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,200 Very odd, but they exist, 267 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,320 and you can see that they exist, because they're there in a box. 268 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,360 LAUGHTER 269 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:07,280 Discarded, unwanted. 270 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:10,040 The ones in the middle that look like they're wearing glasses 271 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:11,480 - are the best ones. - They are. 272 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,520 If they started singing, you'd shit yourself. 273 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:16,480 LAUGHTER 274 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,040 # Doo-doo doo-doo dum... # 275 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:20,120 HE SCREAMS 276 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:25,080 Now, describe the mammoth moles of Siberia. 277 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:30,280 - They're huge and they live underground. - Right... - Yeah. Next. 278 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:36,080 - Consider the word mammoth. - Woolly. - Mammoth. - Where is it from? 279 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,160 - What language might it be from? - Welsh. - Russian? 280 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,200 - No, but it's that... Almost... - Cornish? - Is it kind of Celtic? 281 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,880 Baltic/Nordic. They consider themselves Nordic people. 282 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:46,920 Norway. 283 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,640 LAUGHTER 284 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,560 They really, really ARE Nordic. 285 00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:53,680 These people, most people wouldn't think of them immediately as Nordic. 286 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:56,920 - They'd think of them as Baltic. - Latvia, Estonia... - Yeah, Estonia. 287 00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:00,240 - Is it? OK. - The wonderful country of Estonia. - I've never been there. 288 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:01,560 Sara, have you? 289 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:03,400 LAUGHTER 290 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,600 I've got a lifetime membership card. 291 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:08,200 I can go for free as many times as I like. 292 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,720 Lovely gardens. 293 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:13,920 Well, they have a language that is very 294 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,200 separate from the languages of their neighbours. 295 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:20,320 It's Finno-Ugric. It's related to Finnish and Hungarian. 296 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:24,680 And the word "mammoth" is one of the theirs and it means "earth mole". 297 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,200 Does it? 298 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:27,400 It means "earth mole". 299 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,600 And the reason is that it was thought... 300 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,840 When mammoths were discovered they were always underground, 301 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,840 and they thought they lived underground and were killed 302 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,680 by breathing air by coming up and maybe that's what killed them. 303 00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:40,720 And so that's why they got the name mammoth. 304 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:44,000 But when were the last mammoths, do you think, in thousands of years? 305 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,760 - 1940s. - Very cold. - 1940s! 306 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,440 LAUGHTER 307 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,440 - 200,000 years ago. - 10,000 years ago. 308 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,520 I would say three million years ago. 309 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:56,560 It's more recent than you might think. It's 4,000 years ago. 310 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,480 - Really? - There was a herd of them in... - Essex. 311 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,680 ..Wrangel Island in the Arctic. 312 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:05,760 So when they were there in a herd the Great Pyramid of Cheops 313 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,240 - was already 1,000 years old. - So it was civilisation? 314 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,800 - So they overlapped with man, very much so, yeah. - Wow. 315 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,200 But there is a company called Revive and Restore 316 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,720 that is looking to re-introduce mammoths. 317 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,960 They think they can take some genes, 318 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:23,400 do some gene juggling with Asian elephants and create a mammoth. 319 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,960 It's a very extraordinary thought. 320 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,120 Aw! Bless. Asian elephants with the small ears. 321 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,720 Yes, just before they have their genes juggled. 322 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:37,160 "Aw! Come into the lab now. I've just got to cut your ovaries open." 323 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:40,200 It's genome editing is what they call it. 324 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:43,720 We're hoping they would need to live in the tundra 325 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:47,520 and one of the reasons we hope that is that they'll reintroduce 326 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,400 certain grasses, the way they eat and the way they move. 327 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:51,680 They move the seeds around. 328 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:55,520 Yeah, and the permafrost there where they used to roam is really, 329 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:58,240 really beneficial to the environment. 330 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,800 It contains two to three times as much carbon as the world's rainforests. 331 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,360 - That would be amazing. - Yeah. 332 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:07,000 That could be good aside from the fact it would be delightful to think of them anyway. 333 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,240 If they're free and out on the tundra that's amazing. 334 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,160 I thought they would just be breeding them to put them in captivity, 335 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:13,960 so we could go, "Oh, you're back." 336 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,000 They're going to put them in one of those tubes like the London Aquarium. 337 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:18,520 They could swim up and down. 338 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:22,040 No, there's a man called Sergey Zimov who has created 339 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:25,720 an experimental preserve in Siberia that he's called Pleistocene Park. 340 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,120 - Wow. - So could you do that with other...? 341 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:31,120 Is it possible that this will become a thing that will happen? 342 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:32,320 - T Rex. - I guess it is, yeah. 343 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,520 I think it's a question of when rather than if. 344 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,600 I think it would be a foolish person to say it could never happen. 345 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,000 If there's human will behind it, 346 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,680 and it's not illegal, and it's not... 347 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,680 Maybe not velociraptors. 348 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,360 No, we've got a warning there 349 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,880 - cos you see what they do in a kitchen. - Yeah. 350 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:51,360 - Less bother in a kitchen than Gordon Ramsay. - Well, that's true. 351 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:56,040 - JOSH: - Do you reckon in 4,000 years they'll be trying to recreate Gordon Ramsay? 352 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,040 - PHILL: - Wow! - JOSH: - For a dare. 353 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,360 - They'll think... - PHILL: - Imagine herds of them 354 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,280 sweeping across. Hear their cry. 355 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,960 "Fuck!" 356 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,280 "Why don't you grow some balls?" 357 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:12,760 "What's this? It's a stupid person sandwich." 358 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:13,960 Lawks! 359 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:18,520 Now, what kind of animal does this skull belong to? 360 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:22,640 - Toothy. - Well... - He's very toothy. - ..looks dinosaur-y to me. 361 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:25,840 Well, you can certainly tell that it's not herbivore, 362 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:27,400 it's not vegetarian, can't you? 363 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,600 - Is it...a killer rabbit? - Sabre-toothed tiger? 364 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,240 Is it a sabre-toothed tiger? 365 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,280 - No, it's a bit smaller than that. - Is it a tiny mouse? 366 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,960 LAUGHTER It's a little bit bigger than that. 367 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:41,040 It's a species we've mentioned already... 368 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:43,120 - Is it a mole? - It's a mole! - A mole! Is it? 369 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:44,640 That's a mole. Well done. 370 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,600 APPLAUSE Well done. 371 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:53,000 The species, not surprisingly, is called the star-nosed mole, and... 372 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,600 It looks like that guy from Futurama, doesn't it? 373 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,360 - It does. Zoidberg. - Zoidberg. - Yeah. 374 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,800 IMITATES ZOIDBERG: Well, when you look like Zoidberg... 375 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,000 LAUGHTER 376 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,120 It's a wonderful mole. 377 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:08,800 They live underground, and we don't have much to do with them, 378 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,800 but they're equipped with special powers. 379 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,840 For example, they can smell in stereo, 380 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,800 so they can tell when something is coming, from which direction. 381 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,920 So they'd be very useful in a lift, wouldn't they? 382 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,280 They'd be able to say, "It was you. It was you. 383 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,160 "Don't lie - it was you." 384 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,560 And they have toxins with which they paralyse 385 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,640 and stun the worms that they eat. 386 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,200 Why would they want to do that if they've got the worm anyway? 387 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,440 - So they can eat it later. - So they can eat it later. 388 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,480 - So they find it and go... - They have larders. 389 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,280 - .."tasty, but lunchtime." - Exactly. Deferred pleasure. 390 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,320 - Pop it in their larder. - Eurgh... 391 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:42,520 - But they're... - That's amazing. - PHILL: - Christ! 392 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:46,480 Yeah. They need a lot of sustenance because they do a lot of work. 393 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,120 They do extraordinary tunnelling. 394 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:51,920 They can dig 150 feet of new tunnels a day. 395 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,960 Now, given their size and weight 396 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,040 that is the equivalent of a human moving four tonnes - 397 00:17:57,040 --> 00:18:00,760 about 1,000 shovel loads - every 20 minutes. 398 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,760 Why didn't we get them to do the Channel Tunnel? 399 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:06,000 - LAUGHTER - It would've been amazing - and cute. 400 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:10,160 Yeah, about 400 of them - Crossrail, done in a fortnight. 401 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:13,520 - LAUGHTER - We're missing something. Huh? 402 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:14,920 APPLAUSE 403 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,720 They're very territorial and solitary, though, 404 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,280 and the females mate... 405 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,880 and as soon as they've mated, germinated, ovulated, whatever things females do, 406 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:27,040 erm... 407 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:28,640 LAUGHTER 408 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,200 It's complicated! 409 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,680 It's complicated. 410 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,520 Once they've done that, 411 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:37,720 their gonads then put out enormous quantities of testosterone, 412 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:41,880 - so that they become very aggressive and territorial. - That's amazing. 413 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:45,200 And they then go back to a solitary life like a male. So they become sort of male. 414 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:48,360 - Did you know that hyenas... female hyenas have penises... - Yes. 415 00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:50,600 ..that they have to give birth through. 416 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,640 - Ooh... - Yes. 417 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,960 - Oh, an audible gasp! - They're fake penises, though... 418 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,360 - What ARE they laughing at?! - They're not real penises. - They don't work like one. 419 00:18:58,360 --> 00:18:59,680 HE CACKLES LIKE A HYENA 420 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,600 LAUGHTER 421 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,320 So their body has to basically put them to sleep to give birth, 422 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:08,360 - they have to release so many relaxants to be able to do it. - Oh... 423 00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:12,600 - I know. Incredible. Isn't that amazing, though? - Yeah. Phenomenal. 424 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:17,120 Anyway, now, name all the members of the Monstrous Regiment of Women. 425 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,440 Beryl? 426 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,920 - Linda... - Jean. 427 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,560 - ..Shirley. - Angry Sue. 428 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,640 - LAUGHTER - She's the leader. 429 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:30,360 Have you heard of The Monstrous Regiment Of Women? 430 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:34,120 - The First Blast Of The Trumpet Against The Monstrous... - Oh! 431 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:36,360 - John Knox. - Yes, John Knox. I knew you would've... 432 00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:38,200 The First Blast Of The Trumpet Against 433 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,640 The "Monstrous", notice, Regiment Of Women. 434 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,440 So, I've read that, and it's bad that I couldn't remember 435 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,480 the Monstrous Regiment... It seems like it's kind of the main part. 436 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,400 - LAUGHTER - It seems like... 437 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,880 Actually, what it is is a slight change in the language, 438 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,960 and "monstrous" doesn't mean "monstrous" as we would say it - 439 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,680 - it means unnatural. - Mm. 440 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,360 And "regiment" doesn't mean 441 00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,600 the whole load of them marching on, these women - 442 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,240 - it means "regime". - Right. 443 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,040 And he was a Protestant, 444 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:06,840 and he was angry at the fact 445 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,320 there were two Catholic women on the thrones... 446 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,280 - Oh, of course. - ..of England. Who might they have been? - Mary... 447 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:15,160 Which Mary? They were both called Mary. 448 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,720 - The Two Marys... - The Two Marys. 449 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:18,480 LAUGHTER Exactly. 450 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,960 This has now turned into a story from the Bunty - The Two Marys. 451 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:25,520 - There was our Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary - Mary Tudor. - Yeah. 452 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,800 The one who burned the Protestants. 453 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:31,280 And in Scotland, it wasn't Mary Queen of Scots, 454 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:35,160 it was her regent, who was Mary of Guise. 455 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,880 - Cheery bunch. - Yeah, a cheery bunch. 456 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:40,520 - I feel like that's the same Mary in different outfits. - Yeah. 457 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,680 You know when they do, like, those style challenges on This Morning 458 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,200 - and it's before and after? - It is, isn't it? 459 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,840 "She used to just wear monochrome, but look at her now!" 460 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:50,680 LAUGHTER 461 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,640 So, Knox, who was a very keen Protestant, 462 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,800 didn't like these women on the throne. 463 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,600 He was angry about it and wrote this thing. 464 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,880 But on the subject of Mary Queen of Scots, 465 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,720 do you remember who her husband was, by any chance? 466 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,440 Darnley, his name was, her husband. 467 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,360 He was murdered. He was actually blown up. 468 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,600 This is a very extraordinary story. 469 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,640 One of the presumed architects of the explosion 470 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,360 was a fellow called Archibald Douglas - 471 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:18,000 a pair of his shoes were found at the scene of the crime. 472 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,960 ALAN GIGGLES 473 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,480 "Where's your shoes, Archibald?" 474 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,440 - LAUGHTER - "Oh!" 475 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,800 - You've always got to take your shoes off before a dynamiting. - He got away with it. 476 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,320 But he later gave an account of Mary's reaction. 477 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:34,680 - So, this is Mary, her husband has been blown up. - Mm-hm. 478 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:38,560 "She sent for a number of light ladies and women 479 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,880 "to come to Holyroodhouse 480 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:45,200 "and participate stark naked in a ball." 481 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,440 "Then they had cut off their pubic hair 482 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:53,280 "and had put it in puddings to be eaten by the male guests, 483 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:54,520 "who were sick." 484 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,680 LAUGHTER 485 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,720 Is that what you do when your husband's blown up? 486 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,000 Was she just trying to, you know, like, 487 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,600 trying to get back to normal life? 488 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,840 LAUGHTER 489 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,360 - "Let's just carry on as we were." - That's right. 490 00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,440 "Get your pubes and put them in that pie." 491 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:12,280 "It's what he would have wanted." LAUGHTER 492 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,240 Actually, I think this might be quite clever. 493 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,560 Probably, if your partner is killed in a horrific way, 494 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,920 all anyone is ever going to talk to you about is, 495 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,880 "Aw, what happened to your husband?" 496 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,520 But now, no - "Why did you have that pube party?" 497 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:28,000 What? Why? Are you joking? 498 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,440 It's all the detail we have. 499 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,400 "Two things, Mary - number one, condolences. Number two..." 500 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:33,920 It's all the detail we have, sadly, 501 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,480 but the actual person who took the rap for the murder - 502 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,000 he was hanged, drawn and quartered 503 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,800 on the basis that he was the one who discovered the scene, 504 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,040 which seems a bit unfair - 505 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:43,600 his name was William Blackadder. 506 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:45,240 Oh... 507 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,400 HE IMPERSONATES GENERAL MELCHETT: It's true. 508 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,200 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 509 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,120 Oh, stop it. Don't. 510 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:54,320 There you are. 511 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:57,360 The Monstrous Regiment Of Women was just a couple of Marys. 512 00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:58,960 Which is nastier - 513 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:03,320 a Foetid Parachute or a Hairy Nuts Disco? 514 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:07,200 - OK... - I'll tell you who doesn't like a hairy nuts disco - Mary. 515 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,560 LAUGHTER Exactly. It's so true. 516 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:13,000 Presumably, she has that sort of in bowls... 517 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,640 You have hairy nuts as a sort of amuse-bouche. 518 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:19,000 Basically that would be a party 519 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:23,080 - with people just walking around, going... - HE RETCHES 520 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,760 HE CONTINUES TO RETCH 521 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,880 Making a PUBIC nuisance of yourself. LAUGHTER 522 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:32,280 They ARE cocktails? 523 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,360 - Are these cocktails? - They're not cocktails. 524 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:36,200 They look exactly as if they would be... 525 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:40,960 In Japan, there is a disco where the women don't wear underwear 526 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:44,040 and they are on a floor above, and it's glass, 527 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,560 and they dance and the men pay more to be underneath. 528 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:48,600 And I was telling my friend this and she went, 529 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:52,280 "They couldn't do it with men cos it would look like everyone was waving at you." 530 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:54,320 LAUGHTER 531 00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:56,720 Isn't that romantic - people like, "Oh... Don't worry." 532 00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,480 "No, no, it's OK, carry on." 533 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,680 Foetid Parachute might be a slight clue 534 00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:03,520 inasmuch as the shape of a parachute might be. 535 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,880 - JOSH: - Oh! - Oh, jellyfish! - Jellyfish! 536 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,240 - That's the one thing it could've been... - Mushrooms! 537 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:12,200 ..the other one is mushrooms. Yeah, these are fungi or fun-gee. 538 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,600 Extraordinary names for new species that occur all the time, 539 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,560 and there are some incredible names. 540 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,000 Pink Disco - that's normal and nice. 541 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,120 Greasy Bracket... 542 00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:24,800 "Punched him in the greasy bracket." I don't know. 543 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:26,800 Powdery Piggyback. 544 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,160 IN A MENACING VOICE: Shall we play powdery piggyback? 545 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:33,360 White Brain, Jelly Ear, Verdigris Navel, 546 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:35,160 LAUGHING: Fragrant Funnel... 547 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,920 I'm sorry. I'm sorry! LAUGHTER 548 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:41,960 Cinnamon Jellybaby, Witches' Butter, Slimy Earth Tongue. 549 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:45,720 Alan Rickman's Fridge Gunk. Let's just start making up mushroom names. 550 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:49,800 These are also all bands that have had a John Peel session as well. 551 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,600 Hot Lips, Twisted Deceiver... 552 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,480 Barbara Cartland's Shoe Tree. 553 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:58,080 ..Bog Cannon, Gassy Night... 554 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,800 - JOSH: - I've had one of them. - ..and the Hairy Nuts Disco. 555 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,120 So how often are they finding new fungi? 556 00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:05,880 Amazingly, amazingly. Let me tell you a remarkable story. 557 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,160 This is in September 2014 - not very long ago. 558 00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,960 A couple of mycologists - 559 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:12,720 as they call fungus experts - from Kew Gardens 560 00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:18,320 analysed the DNA of a supermarket packet of porcini mushrooms. 561 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,880 They found three species unknown to science. 562 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:25,400 LAUGHTER Perfectly edible... 563 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:26,800 Was there any horse in it? 564 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:29,280 LAUGHTER 565 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:31,120 The scientists named them in Latin 566 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:35,120 White Beef Liver, Delicious cattle Liver Fungus and Edible. 567 00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:36,560 Wow. 568 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,280 Do you know, the worst thing is throughout that I was thinking, 569 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:42,320 "I wonder who's been to Kew Gardens more - Sara or Alan?" 570 00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:44,080 LAUGHTER 571 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:48,440 So in terms of fungi as a whole, 1,200 new species are added a year. 572 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,680 - Wow. - 1,200 a year? - Amazing, isn't it? 573 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:55,720 - They may account for up to 25% of the Earth's biomass. - Wow. 574 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:58,440 - So are they really adaptive? Is that's what's happening? - Very. 575 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:00,920 - And can be aggressive - that's why we've... - Like moles! 576 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,240 - We should get them in a fight. - Yes! 577 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,280 - Mushrooms versus moles! - LAUGHTER 578 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:08,280 They can be very aggressive. Although they don't exactly move, 579 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,960 they do spread themselves huge distances underground. 580 00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,320 I still think I could beat one in a fight. 581 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:18,200 - Some would beat you in a fight if you tried to EAT them. - Yes... 582 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:19,720 which is how I fight. 583 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:22,320 LAUGHTER 584 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,360 Well, there you are, you see? 585 00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:27,720 The Trichoderma fungus bumps into another species 586 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:30,360 and grasps it with its hyphae, its thin tubes, 587 00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:32,560 and squeezes the food out of it. 588 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,200 So it basically takes the food from another species. 589 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:38,120 "Meanwhile, in the Swan Vesta reject room...! 590 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:40,160 LAUGHTER 591 00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,440 Other fungi launch gas warfare - 592 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:45,000 the Sulphur Tuft produces chemical agents... 593 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,680 Chemical warfare?! 594 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,960 - Yeah. Against each other. - Oh, my God. - Yeah. 595 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,080 Mushrooms are quite small. They used to be huge. 596 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:55,840 They used to be the biggest kinds of non-animal there were. 597 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:58,160 When trees and plants were just three foot tall, 598 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:00,720 they were much, much bigger - and much more phallic. 599 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,800 - Really? - Apparently. 600 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,400 Planet of the Cocks. 601 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,800 LAUGHTER 602 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:09,760 Anyway, if Frankenstein's Monster came to dinner, 603 00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:11,920 what would you give him to eat? 604 00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:13,720 Electricity, I would give him. 605 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:16,000 Electricity? To keep him alive? 606 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:17,880 That's what he was brought to life with, 607 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:19,520 so that's what I would feed him. 608 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:22,880 Just finger in the plug socket, or... 609 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:26,040 - JOSH: - Have you got an adaptor? 610 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:29,880 In the novel, Frankenstein, Or The Modern Prometheus, 611 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:33,680 the Monster speaks and is intelligent, and brave, and kind. 612 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:36,280 And also eats. 613 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,720 - Who wrote it? - Mary Shelley. 614 00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:41,560 - Mary Shelley, who was the wife of... - She was very, very young... 615 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:43,520 - Percy. - Percy Shelley. - ..when she wrote it. 616 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:46,440 She was young. Percy Shelley and she were two of the most 617 00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:49,200 notable pioneering vegetarians. 618 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:50,760 Ahh. 619 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:54,240 And they wanted to express that feeling in the creature, 620 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:56,280 in the Monster, as it's called. 621 00:27:56,280 --> 00:28:00,400 A simple humble diet of carrots, vegetables, 622 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,160 and gallons of laudanum. 623 00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:05,920 So Frankenstein's Monster didn't eat any meat? 624 00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:07,720 He actually has a speech in the novel, 625 00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:09,280 "My food is not that of Man. 626 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:13,200 "I do not destroy the lamb and the kid to glut my appetite. 627 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:16,160 "Acorns and berries accord me sufficient nourishment." 628 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,880 - Aw, that's amazing. - He could do better than acorns and berries. 629 00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:20,600 He could have a quiche, for example. 630 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:21,720 LAUGHTER 631 00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:25,720 It's weird to think of Frankenstein's Monster having that in common with Piglet. 632 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,760 "I like haycorns." 633 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:32,040 But that's how we know he was such a kind, empathetic character. 634 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:33,480 Because he lived with a bear. 635 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,680 I was talking about Frankenstein's Monster. 636 00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:38,040 LAUGHTER 637 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:40,960 When Shelley died... Do you know how Shelley died? He was very young, 638 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:43,120 - as Keats was. - On a boat? - He died in Italy, didn't he? 639 00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:45,200 - On a boat, quite right. - I was right, yeah. 640 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,600 It sank, the Arial, and his friend, Captain John Trelawny, 641 00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:50,600 scoured the Italian coast to find his body. 642 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:53,440 And when they burnt his body at the cremation, 643 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:57,160 the heart seemed to stay whole, and so Trelawny grabbed it, 644 00:28:57,160 --> 00:28:58,920 pulled it out, burned his hand terribly, 645 00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:02,240 and gave the heart to Mary, who kept it for 30 years. 646 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:05,440 Some people now think it was probably the liver, not the heart, 647 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:08,240 and it... Who knows? But it's rather touching. 648 00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,600 Byron's liver would have gone off like a bomb. 649 00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:12,160 LAUGHTER 650 00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:18,800 Right, yeah, Frankenstein's Monster was a vegetarian, fair play to him. 651 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,640 Alan, what horrors are under your bed 652 00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:22,200 and how can you get rid of them? 653 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:25,480 LAUGHTER 654 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:28,280 Be honest with us. Share. 655 00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:30,760 Don't over share, but just share enough. 656 00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:32,880 The Bogeyman, everyone's always scared of. 657 00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:34,880 The Bogeyman. And how do you get rid of it? 658 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,000 Is there a way? 659 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:39,480 Er, fire. Burn him, smoke him out. 660 00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:41,000 LAUGHTER 661 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:42,680 A futon. 662 00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:44,480 LAUGHTER 663 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:46,640 Well, there is... 664 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:49,400 Yeah, we have a divan base with drawers. 665 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:52,200 No Bogeyman. 666 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:56,440 The point is you can buy a spray that you tell your child 667 00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:58,440 will get rid of the Bogeyman. 668 00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:00,400 - Oh, really. - Great, lies in a can. 669 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:01,920 So, yeah, you can get the spray. 670 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:04,640 And we've got some, I think it's under there somewhere. 671 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:06,280 You can spray away the monsters. 672 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:07,720 Yours is... LOUD HONK 673 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:09,680 Yes, that's the loud... That's another way. 674 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:11,200 What if you like monsters? 675 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,360 - If you like them, don't... - I'm not going to. 676 00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:16,480 - You like monsters? - I think I'm open to them. 677 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:20,640 I remember being a bit afraid of what was down the bottom of the bed. 678 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:23,640 Indeed, and there are evolutionary psychologists 679 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:26,480 who believe that the child's resistance to bed 680 00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:28,000 is actually very sensible 681 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:31,120 and is part of the in-built thing of not wanting to sleep 682 00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:34,080 alone in the dark where there are genuine monsters, 683 00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:37,360 animals and all kinds of things, and it's been inherited. 684 00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:41,000 But in Hungary, they have a monster which is most peculiar. 685 00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:42,440 It's called Rezfaszu bagoly, 686 00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:44,720 though I'm sure it's not pronounced like that. 687 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:48,120 But what it means, in English, is "the copper-penised owl." 688 00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:52,120 - He is a giant owl... - I'm glad you've shown me his face. 689 00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:54,040 LAUGHTER 690 00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:56,120 He's a giant owl and he has a copper penis, 691 00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:58,360 - and he'll get you... - When you say "copper penis"... 692 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:00,360 - Yeah, I mean a penis made of copper. - Thank you. 693 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:02,880 Not a tiny policeman with balls. 694 00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:04,120 LAUGHTER 695 00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:05,800 That would be scary, though. 696 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:07,080 "Evenin', all." 697 00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:10,840 The really scary part is he's a threat to children, this creature. 698 00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:12,320 - Oh. - That's the point. 699 00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:15,880 This is what's disturbing, is that the copper-penised owl 700 00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:18,520 will get you if you don't do what your mother tells you. 701 00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:20,160 What does it mean, "get you"? 702 00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:21,680 Oh, my gosh. 703 00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:24,400 What sort of mother would say that to a child? 704 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,960 If you don't behave, the copper-penised owl 705 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:29,480 will come and get you. 706 00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:31,920 Imagine that, you're lying in bed at night and you hear... 707 00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:33,280 IMITATES OWL 708 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:35,760 LAUGHTER 709 00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:37,600 Oh, my God, it's tarnished! 710 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:40,400 There is some research to show that people who play 711 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:42,000 a lot of computer games 712 00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:45,720 can sometimes develop the ability to take control of their nightmares 713 00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:47,200 and fight back within them. 714 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:48,960 - Wow. - Yeah, it's rather good, isn't it? 715 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:50,720 Take it to the next level. 716 00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:52,320 Take it to the next level. 717 00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:55,560 Now, how do you keep a blue man happy? 718 00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:00,640 I once auditioned for the Blue Man Group. 719 00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:04,480 - Did you? - I auditioned for everything that was in The Stage, 720 00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,080 which is a newspaper for out-of-work actors, 721 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:09,400 and I did not read that advert properly. 722 00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:12,480 And not only do you need to be a man to be in the Blue Man Group, 723 00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:14,760 but you also need to be over 6'5". 724 00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:16,800 - Seriously? - And I was in the queue thinking... 725 00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:18,280 "I think I've got this." 726 00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:22,560 "I'm really special amongst all these people." 727 00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:24,560 So is it... What is the Blue Man Group? 728 00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:27,160 - Like that, completely painted blue. - They're a huge success, 729 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:29,040 - enormous. - There they are! 730 00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:32,640 - They started in New York. - I didn't get it, if anyone was wondering. 731 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:35,280 They have five running just in the United States. 732 00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:38,200 And whenever you're in any city in the world, you see 733 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:40,200 a poster for the Blue Man Group. 734 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:43,720 - Tourist fodder, because they're not dependent on language. - Exactly. 735 00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:45,640 That's a very good point. 736 00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:49,040 But these blue men are monsters in the world that we're in. 737 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:50,920 Not the Smurfs, then. 738 00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:54,040 These are the Blue Men of the Minch, 739 00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:57,480 Between the north-west coast of Scotland and the Hebrides. 740 00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:02,480 And the Blue Men of Minch, they're also known as Sea Kelpies. 741 00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:05,720 Oooh. Ooh, he's a charmer. 742 00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:07,080 Yeah, isn't he? 743 00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:09,360 And they used to lure sea folk. 744 00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:11,600 They're always luring, aren't they, monsters? 745 00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:14,520 It creates storms. But they had a really unique line 746 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:16,840 in allowing you to be saved. 747 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:20,120 And that is they would shout out two lines of poetry 748 00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:24,520 and if you could shout back two which rhymed, that pleased them, 749 00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:25,920 they would let your ship go. 750 00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:28,160 There was a young man from Dunoon... 751 00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:32,840 Like an improv game. 752 00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:35,440 That's right. We have one example from Scottish mythology. 753 00:33:35,440 --> 00:33:37,280 Perhaps you could supply the reply. 754 00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:40,360 The chief of the Blue Men called out thus to a ship's captain - 755 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:43,200 "My men are eager, my men are ready 756 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:45,160 To drag you below the waves." 757 00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:48,120 "One's called Steve, one called Zeddy..." 758 00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:49,600 LAUGHTER 759 00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:51,240 "The other three are all Daves." 760 00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:53,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 761 00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:57,040 Very pleasing! 762 00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:01,000 I think they would have been insane not to let you off with that. 763 00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:04,440 In fact, the rather dull one that saved the skippers of that ship 764 00:34:04,440 --> 00:34:05,800 that was attacked was, 765 00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:07,960 "My ship is speedy, my ship is steady 766 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:11,280 If it sank, it would wreck your caves." 767 00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:15,440 - Rubbish. - I like to think that it was like a proto version of The Voice. 768 00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:17,880 They were all in chairs the other way around 769 00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:19,880 and they shouted the rhymes. 770 00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:21,640 And, like, "Yeah, that rhymes." 771 00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:24,720 If they just said to me, "My men are eager, my men are ready 772 00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:26,560 "To drag you below the waves", 773 00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:28,760 I'd never have thought, 774 00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:30,680 "They want me to rhyme with this." 775 00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:31,800 LAUGHTER 776 00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:33,360 I'd see that as a threat. 777 00:34:34,680 --> 00:34:37,200 Maybe that's what hecklers have been wanting all along. 778 00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:42,040 - What, a rhyme... - Yeah, rhyme back. 779 00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:47,720 The theory is they were blue because they'd painted themselves. 780 00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:50,760 And Latin for to paint is pictum, 781 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,560 as in picture and depict... 782 00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:55,200 - and... - Picts. 783 00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:58,320 Picts, exactly. They were Picts. The Picts and the Scots. 784 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:00,680 There were Picts in woad, possibly on kayaks, 785 00:35:00,680 --> 00:35:03,600 who were aggressive and did indeed colonise Scotland, 786 00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:05,080 so maybe that's who they were. 787 00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:07,640 "Angus, can you hear lions singing?" 788 00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:10,480 LAUGHTER 789 00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:12,800 "Sounds awfully nice." 790 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:15,880 Wellll, if you don't want to sink in the Minch, 791 00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:18,080 think of something that rhymes... 792 00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:19,840 LAUGHTER ..at a pinch. 793 00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:21,240 Um, yeah. 794 00:35:21,240 --> 00:35:22,560 Ah, it's a cinch. 795 00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:25,000 So, now it's time to descend into the dark 796 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:28,360 and fetid nest of nasties that is General Ignorance. 797 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,960 First, some real sea monsters. Fingers on buzzers. 798 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:33,200 Why do great white sharks bite people? 799 00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:35,240 WOMAN SCREAMS Yes? 800 00:35:35,240 --> 00:35:37,120 It's to keep themselves in the news. 801 00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:38,920 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 802 00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:41,160 That's probably why. 803 00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:44,760 It's so good and so true. 804 00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:46,840 Is it cos they think they're something else? 805 00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:49,520 It's a pretty good answer, yes... 806 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:51,920 People say it's because the shadow of a person, 807 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:54,080 especially if they're surfing, looks like a seal. 808 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:56,240 No, you see, the thing is when... They do eat seals, 809 00:35:56,240 --> 00:35:58,560 but when they eat seals, it's a frenzy, it's a torpedo - 810 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:00,720 they dive in, and there's nothing left. 811 00:36:00,720 --> 00:36:03,160 But when they attack people, they just take a bite, 812 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:05,400 and they usually then go off. 813 00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:08,360 So it's generally believed that it's a kind of curiosity. 814 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:09,840 - "What is this?" - Oh, God. 815 00:36:09,840 --> 00:36:11,840 So it's like at a party with a vol-au-vent? 816 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:13,240 Yeah, basically. 817 00:36:13,240 --> 00:36:15,840 They just think, "I'll just take a little bit off it..." 818 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:18,560 - Oh, no, no. - "..and see if I like it, see what it is." 819 00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:20,200 That's generally believed by... 820 00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:23,440 Going over to his mates going, "Don't try that - it's horrible." 821 00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:26,000 "Don't put it back on the tray. Don't put it back on the tray. 822 00:36:26,000 --> 00:36:28,040 - "Put it over there." - "You've started it now." 823 00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:31,400 Curious rather than predatory is the way their behaviour is. 824 00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:33,640 Wrap it in a napkin, put it in your pocket. 825 00:36:33,640 --> 00:36:35,880 If you're a human and you lose half your leg, 826 00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:38,440 - you don't, obviously, think of it like that. - No, no. 827 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:40,240 But the point is if they wanted to kill you, 828 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:41,560 they are such ferocious... 829 00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:43,760 "I hope that's sated your curiosity!" 830 00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:47,920 So, yeah, sharks like to have a nibble 831 00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:50,320 before they decide whether or not we're worth munching. 832 00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:52,040 Who has the biggest face in America? 833 00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:58,120 - Oh, is it... - MONSTER ROARS 834 00:36:58,120 --> 00:37:00,040 ..one of Mount Rushmore? 835 00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:03,640 Ah... Dang nabbit. SIREN RINGS 836 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:06,600 No, I said "one of". 837 00:37:06,600 --> 00:37:08,560 - Is it a clock? - No, it's not a clock. 838 00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:11,600 - Good, good... Very smart. - OK. 839 00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:15,160 - Where's Mount Rushmore? - Dakota. - South Dakota is right, yeah. 840 00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:18,200 And this particular huge face 841 00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:22,400 which is bigger by far than either of the four Presidents there... 842 00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:24,640 But you can get a point for naming them. 843 00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:26,960 - Washington... - Washington. - ..Lincoln... 844 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:28,200 and the other two. 845 00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:33,880 - McKinley, no? And... - Jefferson... - Jefferson and... 846 00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:37,120 - ..and Teddy Roosevelt. - Oh! Oh! - Oh! 847 00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:39,040 Oh, we can all do that at the end, Josh. 848 00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:42,440 - LAUGHTER - I knew all of them! Just on the... 849 00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:43,920 Oh, Horniman Museum! 850 00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:48,320 I'm not going to lie - I was going to go Obama, so... 851 00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:55,920 15 miles away from Mount Rushmore is the biggest face in America. 852 00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:59,680 - 15 miles? - Which is an ongoing work, also sculpting a face. 853 00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:01,520 Oh, it's the Indian head thing. 854 00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:04,560 Yes, it's the head of a Lakota Sioux Indian chief 855 00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:06,240 who was a hero to his people. 856 00:38:06,240 --> 00:38:09,400 It's being done by one person who's been doing it for about 20 years. 857 00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:12,040 Ancient Polish guy - I've met him. He's extraordinary, yeah. 858 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:14,720 - It's going to be much, much bigger than them, isn't it? - Yes. 859 00:38:14,720 --> 00:38:16,600 87 feet high, is the face. 860 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:19,360 And do you know the name of the Indian brave? 861 00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:22,040 He won, for his people, the battle, 862 00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:24,040 of which was only a battle - they lost the war... 863 00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:26,720 - Sitting Bull. - Sitting Bull. - Crazy Horse. 864 00:38:26,720 --> 00:38:28,960 - Steve. - # Ow! # - "Steve!" 865 00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:30,240 Crazy Horse. 866 00:38:30,240 --> 00:38:32,760 - There it is - there's the face. - Oh, he's beautiful. 867 00:38:32,760 --> 00:38:35,320 He beat Custer in the Battle of Little Bighorn. 868 00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:37,600 Yeah, but they never found Roobarb. 869 00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:39,640 LAUGHTER 870 00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:42,960 Lordy, lord. 871 00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:46,080 HE SINGS ROOBARB AND CUSTARD THEME MUSIC 872 00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:48,400 But if you go sideways on, he's on his horse. 873 00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:51,600 - IMITATES CUSTARD: - Look out, there's a big Indian after you. 874 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:54,920 - So, there's one guy who's done this? - Yeah. - Amazing. 875 00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:57,280 - And he's still doing it. - That's why it's taking so long. 876 00:38:57,280 --> 00:38:59,680 - When did he start? - Do you have to buy the mountain 877 00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:01,720 first, or do you just do it on somebody else's? 878 00:39:01,720 --> 00:39:03,880 Cos I'd be pretty angry if that was in my garden. 879 00:39:03,880 --> 00:39:06,560 You know, the really impressive thing is 880 00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:09,000 that he's done it with sandpaper. 881 00:39:09,000 --> 00:39:10,240 Is he going to get to the end 882 00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:14,080 and then they're going to realise he hasn't got planning permission? 883 00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:15,400 "Put it all back, my friend." 884 00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:17,880 "You have to rebuild the original mountain as it was. 885 00:39:17,880 --> 00:39:20,160 - LAUGHTER - "We want it all back." 886 00:39:21,680 --> 00:39:24,680 - There you can see how it should look. - Oh, wow. 887 00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,160 That's the real thing in the background. 888 00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:28,600 It's a noble endeavour, 889 00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:30,600 but, goodness me, it's taking him a long time. 890 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:32,160 I don't know if he's using dynamite, 891 00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:34,120 cos that's what they used in Mount Rushmore. 892 00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:37,240 They used dynamite to four inches' worth of accuracy. 893 00:39:37,240 --> 00:39:39,120 - Really? - You know, all the little features - 894 00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:41,520 the nose and everything else. Unbelievable. 895 00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:44,400 It was going to be Lewis and Clark, the explorers, 896 00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:45,800 you know, who opened up the West, 897 00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:48,320 and it was going to be Chief Red Cloud and Buffalo Bill, 898 00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:51,240 but then they decided it should be presidents 899 00:39:51,240 --> 00:39:53,680 just to get on the right side of politics, I suppose. 900 00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:56,440 There's Buffalo Bill. Obviously, Lewis and Clark on the right. 901 00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:59,120 And you know what you do after a good dynamite? 902 00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:00,760 Pube party. 903 00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:03,360 LAUGHTER 904 00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:05,800 That must have been the biggest pube party of all time. 905 00:40:05,800 --> 00:40:07,640 It was massive. 906 00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:12,880 Anyway, name the largest single man-made structure on the planet. 907 00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:15,520 - Oh... Oh, yeah. - Not falling for that one. 908 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:17,880 No way. No way! 909 00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:21,000 Is it going to be a 50-mile long tunnel or a bridge 910 00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:22,360 or something like that? 911 00:40:22,360 --> 00:40:25,400 What we've got out of the way, cos it's hanging here like a worry, 912 00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:27,400 is it's not the Great Wall of China. 913 00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:30,200 - Oh, OK. - Yeah. - Try a continent where it might be. 914 00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:32,360 - Europe. - OK. - Europe is not where it is. 915 00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:34,560 - Asia. - Australia. - Nor Asia, nor Australia. 916 00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:36,120 - North America. - Nor North America. 917 00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:37,960 - South America. - Nor South America. 918 00:40:37,960 --> 00:40:40,480 - Antarctica. - Antarctica. - Nor Antarctica. - Arctic. 919 00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:43,520 - Africa. - Africa! Thank you. 920 00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:45,520 - Hey! - Bloody hell, I'm glad... 921 00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:47,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 922 00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:52,080 I really, really hope Ban Ki-moon isn't watching this. 923 00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:55,440 "Africa! Africa!" 924 00:40:55,440 --> 00:40:59,120 - So, is it Egyptian? Is it North...? - It's Nigeria, in fact. - Oh. 925 00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:01,120 It's the Great Earthworks of Benin. 926 00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:03,520 The Great Earthworks of Benin! 927 00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:06,520 LAUGHTER 928 00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:08,080 It's also called the Walls of Benin. 929 00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:10,480 - The Walls, of course, Benin! - Defensive earthworks... 930 00:41:10,480 --> 00:41:12,960 The Earthen Walls of Benin in... 931 00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:15,120 ..dug by the Edo people. 932 00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:18,280 - 10,000 miles in length. - Miles of it. 10,000 miles... - 10,000 miles? 933 00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:21,120 ..of defensive earthworks by the Edos. 934 00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:23,800 - 10,000 miles in length. - How could I forget(?!) 935 00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:27,640 - Four times longer than the Great Wall of China. - OK. 936 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:28,800 Puny little wall. 937 00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:31,960 Consumed 100 times more material than the Great Pyramid of Cheops. 938 00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:36,760 Took 700 years and an estimated 150 million hours of digging. 939 00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:39,720 Severely damaged by... HE CLEARS THROAT 940 00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:44,360 ..the British...when we sacked and burned Benin in 1897. 941 00:41:44,360 --> 00:41:45,840 Aren't the British brilliant? 942 00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:48,920 "Yes. Well, they just wouldn't do as they were told." 943 00:41:48,920 --> 00:41:50,800 LAUGHTER 944 00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:54,080 "There's only so much gentle persuasion we've got time for. 945 00:41:54,080 --> 00:41:56,440 "Sack and burn them. Fuck the earthworks." 946 00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:01,240 More or less exactly what happened. 947 00:42:01,240 --> 00:42:04,880 And then we twisted the knife by not remembering Africa existed. 948 00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 949 00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:09,320 - What did they build it for? - Defences. 950 00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:12,840 - Keep out the British, I'd imagine. - Keep out the British! 951 00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:14,680 Didn't work very well, unfortunately. 952 00:42:14,680 --> 00:42:17,160 "Here come the white folks. Dig, dig!" 953 00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:18,520 Of course, you could argue that 954 00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:21,880 the Eurasian road network is a bigger thing, 955 00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:25,800 cos it covers Portugal all the way to Siberia. 956 00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:28,560 - You can drive across the whole lot. - It's all connected by road. 957 00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:30,720 - You know... - So, who do we take this up with? 958 00:42:30,720 --> 00:42:34,280 The Guinness Book Of Records? Or do we go to Nigeria? 959 00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:37,120 They'll go, "I think in fact we got something bigger, actually." 960 00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:38,960 And further twist the knife again. 961 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:42,800 The monstrous Walls of Benin were the biggest thing ever built 962 00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:44,760 until we monstrously knocked them down. 963 00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:47,640 All of which brings us to the monstrous scores. 964 00:42:48,640 --> 00:42:51,080 It's remarkable. PHILL AND SARA LAUGH 965 00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:52,800 I'm going to start... 966 00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:56,000 You've all done, may I say, remarkably well. 967 00:42:57,080 --> 00:43:00,360 In last place, with a score that sometimes could be a winning score 968 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:02,600 of minus seven is Josh Widdicombe. 969 00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:05,480 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 970 00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:10,600 In third place, with minus two... 971 00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:13,480 Ooh! It's Sara Pascoe. 972 00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:16,280 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 973 00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:22,320 No! Tell me it ain't so! 974 00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:25,880 In second place, with plus five, Alan Davies! 975 00:43:25,880 --> 00:43:28,520 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 976 00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:32,000 How close it was, 977 00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:36,880 because the winner by a whisker on six points is Phill Jupitus. 978 00:43:36,880 --> 00:43:39,880 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I don't understand it. 979 00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:48,280 That's all from Sara, Phill, Josh, Alan and me, 980 00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:52,160 and I leave you with these words from Andre Breton. 981 00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:56,280 "The man who can't visualise a horse galloping on a tomato 982 00:43:56,280 --> 00:43:57,840 "is an idiot." 983 00:43:57,840 --> 00:43:59,640 Thank you. 984 00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:02,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE